People Ask For Our Thoughts On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
19. AITJ For Not Getting Up To Help With My Sons In The Middle Of The Night?
“Recently my wife told me that she was tired of being the only one to get up in the middle of the night if our sons (1- year-old, most common, and 3-year-old, not so common) need something.
And she’s right she is the only one that gets up.
Here’s the kicker, my wife snores horribly. To the point I have begged her to go see her doctor because I’m worried about her health and sleep apnea. She refuses saying that snoring is in her family, they are all fine, etc, etc. So our nightly routine is we lay down and I immediately bury my head in pillows with one smashed against each ear to drown out her snoring.
So with this arrangement, I don’t hear our sons crying at night but obviously, she does so she gets up. I’ve asked her to wake me but she doesn’t, stating, ‘I’m already awake the damage is done I’ll take care of them’ and her getting in and out of bed doesn’t wake me up.
This all recently blew up when she mentioned that she was tired due to waking up with our youngest and I told her that it was technically her fault since she refused to even see if her snoring can be fixed.
So am I the jerk here?
And yes the way I sleep isn’t good, I know I wouldn’t hear a smoke alarm and have slept through a wake-up alarm.
Info: we have talked about sleeping in separate rooms with a baby monitor so we can both get breaks but our couch is torture to sleep on and the other bedroom is for the 3-year-old. Tried sleeping in there but that didn’t work because daddy is in there? Sleep be screwed, it’s playtime!
I’ve tried to problem-solve with her but she absolutely refuses to entertain the idea of a sleep study.
The pillows don’t totally drown anything out but do make it quiet enough to sleep through, haven’t actually tested the smoke alarm part.
To state that I’m just using my wife’s snoring to manipulate her so I can be lazy is just plain rude.
There’s no ‘ignoring a screaming child.’ Any parent out there knows they can fuss and lightly cry loud enough to wake you up before they scream.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Does your wife stop breathing in her sleep? If so, record it a few nights in a row and play them for her.
My dad snored like I do: like you’d imagine a hippopotamus might snore. He lived into his 80s, but he definitely had sleep apnea. I know this, in part, because I just did a sleep study and I have sleep apnea.
Sleep apnea is no joke. It messes up all kinds of body systems, and I wish I’d been diagnosed earlier.
Here’s why your wife is the jerk. Imagine she had some clear signs of diabetes. You mention them and she gets mad, refusing to go to the doctor and find out. The symptoms continue, and she still won’t get treatment. She starts doing less in your relationship because she’s low-key sick all the time.
Eventually, she’s so tired she crashes her car and passes away.
Keeping ourselves as healthy as we can is a commitment we make to our partners and kids. Your wife is intentionally neglecting her health, and it’s already affecting you. Later, it may affect you more drastically when her heart gives out or she falls asleep at the wheel.
Sleep studies are SO EASY; order her a kit off Lofta.” FamousOrphan
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
She needs to seek help with her snoring. I have sleep apnea and it is no joke how it can affect you. It’s very inconsiderate of her since you sleep together.
But these are also your kids and you should really do your part to help care for them.
That’s really a separate issue from her snoring.
For the record, sleep studies are super easy and you can do them at home now. The equipment was shipped to my house, I wore it for a few nights and sent it back. I now have a CPAP and I sleep great with very minimal snoring!” LIMBOUSxBLOODxTONGUE
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wife needs to get a sleep study done. However, it is probably very frustrating for her to be the only one getting up with the kids. However, if she chooses not to wake you up to help, that’s her own choice. Get a better couch, buy a comfy sofa sleeper, and get something comfortable to sleep on.
That way you can alternate nights. One of you gets the bedroom and an uninterrupted night’s rest while the other sleeps on whatever you get and takes care of the kids should they need something. Then the next night switch.” Chocolate211507
18. AITJ For Not Throwing Out My "Racist" Collection After My Partner Demanded Me To?
“I collect and make plastic models of various war machines and keep them in one of my rooms. It’s a hobby for me and I’ve been doing it since I was 18. My partner of 9 months recently demanded I throw out about half of them because she thinks they’re racist and fascist. I have around 40 tanks and planes models from various countries of the world like the Soviet Union, the USA, Israel, and Germany, and she demanded that I throw out all the German, Japanese, and Israeli ones.
I really don’t have any political motivation behind these models, and I keep them as a hobby, but there is a cultural difference between me and my girl so maybe it’s not acceptable.
I am a Japanese guy, and she is an American woman, and I heard Americans are really serious about racial stuff.
I try to tell her that it’s my collection I work hard on and I just like planes and tanks appearances, and not the politics behind them, but she says she doesn’t want a racist partner and she will break up with me if I don’t throw them away. We had a long talk about this stuff for like 3 hours and I still am not going to throw it away, so she got angry and left my house early.
I love her but I don’t think I’m willing to throw away something I work so hard on for years, at the same time, I am not sure how acceptable these kinds of model tanks and planes are. I am wondering how acceptable these things are internationally and if she was in the right.
AITJ?
Edit: I talked to her on the phone about it to try and make a compromise but she doubled down and said I have to paint the models completely orange, even the ones that she did not have a problem with. I obviously refused and now she’s really mad and saying I don’t love her and accusing me of being unfaithful.
I’m honestly about to break up with her.
Edit 2: She destroyed them.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Those aren’t racist at all. Volkswagen isn’t racist either even considering the circumstances it was founded in. The only thing that would be in poor taste would be making an exact replica of the concentration camp trains. The rest of the machinery is pretty much apolitical.
Considering you are Japanese, by those standards it could be considered that US tanks and models are racist because they hurt a ton of innocent Japanese civilians (disclaimer, I don’t think the machines were the issue).
Americans often seem to be centered too much on race and labeling everything (no one can be just an American if they are a POC).
I would be careful however if she gets to be alone with those models, even if you are in the other room of the house, she could potentially try to throw them into the trash and damage them in the process.” Slow-Bumblebee-8609
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your collection is a representation of physical objects, not the ideology that humans used them in real life.
Collecting them doesn’t make you racist at all unless you did it just because it represents your point of view (which you already clarified that it doesn’t).
I agree that many Americans give a lot (sometimes way too much) of importance to race and culture. Besides, eliminating objects that represented a period of history just because it was morally wrong is kind of trying to hide/not accepting that it happened.” andreaali04
Another User Comments:
“Ironically, she’s the one being a little racist here. Every country is guilty of some wrongdoings. Some definitely more than others, but the level of egregiousness probably varies personally to each country according to who had the event inflicted upon them. America’s done some pretty screwed-up stuff, and the people here may never truly realize the full extent of the damage we’ve caused.
That being said, they’re just models. Harmless. And you have a little bit of everything from everywhere, so your collection is balanced because it’s the planes you like – not specifically the people who flew them. I consider your collection a bit like a museum. It isn’t glorifying ideology; you’re just showcasing different bits of history and technology.
Me? I collect swords. It’s definitely an eyebrow-raiser for some, especially since I’m a girl.
If she won’t budge, break up with her. It ain’t worth it. She’s ignorant. Get with someone who respects your interests.
NTJ.” littlehappyfeets
17. AITJ For Asking Someone To Stop Smoking On The Street?
“I am a student living in a city that has been dominated by students for literally centuries. I share a home with 5 other students, apart from a tiny shared kitchen, shared bathrooms, and a patio, the only private place I have is my room, on the ground floor – street side. It is tiny, like all dorm rooms (a bit less than 12m²), and only has one big window.
During studying, I have this window open as much as possible, since the air here gets stale pretty quickly and I love the fresh air for studying, especially last week during heavy exams period.
My next-door neighbor is new since this year and has the habit of going outside on the street to smoke at least 3 times a day.
Literally, a couple of seconds after I hear her come outside, my room starts to fill up with the smell of smoke and it really makes me nauseous. I have tried to endure it, I have tried closing my window really loud so she would take a hint and a couple of days ago I asked her flat-out if she wanted to smoke on her patio (I have been there with the previous neighbors, it’s really tiny but still outside space) or a bit further away from my window.
It got a bit heated, I was tired, I was low from my exams and I just had enough of her attitude.
She said I should just close my window for the time she is outside, that she just stands in the doorway (her doorway is right beside my window) and isn’t going to get fully dressed every time, as well that it is a street so I can’t dictate what people do there.
Problem is that I am not always there when she is smoking, f.e. when I am cooking, and when I return the smell lasts so long and is so heavy. Also, it’s not like she has regular hours, the smoke always surprises me, it is just really annoying to have to endure this when I am already at a low point with my exams. I know I had no real right to ask, but I just saw it as decency.
I’m not asking her to stop, just to stop doing it right in front of my room.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, they’re smoking outside. I know it can be annoying but as an ex-smoker in the U.K. there’s literally limited spaces for people to smoke and people most certainly wouldn’t be telling me I couldn’t smoke outside.” GreatScotRace
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ, just because you can’t dictate what other people do on the street or in shared spaces outside.
As a former smoker, my neighbor moved in and asked me to stop smoking on our shared front patio area (the only covered area) because she likes to open all her windows, and I basically told her to shove it.
Now, as someone who has quit smoking for the last year, I can smell smoke from a mile away and it is not nice. So I understand both sides.
Ultimately, you just can’t dictate what others do, and making a big deal out of it might cause her to become spiteful.” Perfect-Year
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Sorry, but the real world doesn’t cater to your whims. If she was blowing smoke or flicking her discarded smoke butts into your window it’d be a different story, but as it is she’s not doing anything wrong (besides the health effects of long-term smoking, of course, but that’s a personal decision). You’ve just got to******* up, an unfortunate aspect of apartment living.” One-Stranger
16. WIBTJ If I Told My Partner I Hate His DIY Furniture?
“My partner has picked up a hobby of making furniture. However, he is still a beginner and isn’t very good at it. I want to encourage him to do something he loves, the problem is that he keeps gifting me ugly furniture. Most things look unfinished and are clunky. He has no concept of dimension.
One example: I mentioned I was looking for a leaning bookshelf, so he built one (without me asking) as a Christmas gift. It looks nothing like the ones I showed him. But the shelves are too high and I can’t reach them. You also can’t see the books, because the shelves look more like drawers and are too high.
He also doesn’t let me paint anything because ‘the look of wood is prettier’. I’m also a bit hurt because all his gifts are either appliances or furniture, and all of them are ugly.
Now we are looking for a place together and he wants to build everything from scratch. I tried telling him that that wouldn’t be cost-efficient (wood is expensive here) and would leave us without furniture for a long time.
He has no problem in telling me that things I like (smeg appliances or pink decor) are stupid, should I tell him that I hate his homemade stuff?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you are going to live there too… But I do think you would have to compromise. Like with any other thing you would disagree on.
It is going to be his house too so it should be 50/50.
You can tell him that you support his hobby, but don’t think it’s up to that standard of having it in your house. Some people are just not good at seeing what they made is crap. (but you don’t have to tell it like that.)” Doctorwhovian22
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner is being a turd. Not just for outright insulting the things you like, but for making you things that you don’t like and expecting you to use them as he prefers. And not letting you paint something that he gave to you is straight-up nonsense. It’s your gift! My partner does woodworking, and whenever I ask him to make something (table, pencil holder, etc), he always asks about my preferences – type of wood, design, final stain/color.
Because he cares and wants me to like it.
Talk to him, something like: ‘I appreciate you’re excited to make stuff for the new place, but it’s going to be my home too. Whatever you want to make for yourself or others is up to you. But I want to give input on the things you’re making if they are for me, or if they are for us and we’re both going to use them.
Because when you give me something without considering my tastes and needs, I feel like you’re not listening to me, and that hurts.’ I’m sure neither of you wants him to expend time, effort, and resources on things that will not be loved. YouTube is full of great woodworkers – offer to watch with him so he can learn from pros.
Also – lumber is so expensive now!!! Building everything from scratch when he’s still learning – that’s madness. You’ll end up with ugly, expensive mistakes. Check your local estate auctions or freebie websites for lumber sales.” Nerfherder7794
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As an amateur woodworker, this is a hard but necessary lesson. You need to have the humility to know your early projects are often going to be baby crap and learn how to balance being proud of your newly acquired skills with the understanding they are still beginner skills.
Also if you are living in a place together it needs to truly feel like somewhere BOTH of you live and have input and it sounds like he’s not willing to compromise, while you are, which is what really makes you NTJ.
Can you try to find examples of wood furniture you do like and say, can you try making things like this?
If he absolutely refuses to budge, then the core issue here is not that the furniture is ugly. It’s that he’s stubborn and his ego won’t let him accept that his precious art is actually crappy beginner furniture. Don’t make it about the furniture. Make it about wanting to feel heard and like you’re working on building a home together, not just stocking it with your stuff vs his stuff.” robintheyounger
15. AITJ For Going "Mommy Mode" With My Partner's Son?
“I (20F) have a partner (25) with who I have been together for about a year. About halfway in, a friend of mine told me my partner had a son.
I laughed about it later with my partner and he froze up and admitted to me that he did indeed have a son at 22. According to him, the mother lied about being on birth control and so he didn’t use protection, thus his son S was born. He had no interest in seeing the child and only paid child support.
While I was upset he waited that long into the relationship to say anything, I decided to stay with him.
Fast forward to now. He has been more distant from me, saying a few insensitive comments about situations and in general not agreeable. I tolerated it because he has done so much for me and my disability and for me to be upset when he has done so much would seem hypocritical to me.
I was talking to his sister, F, and she told me my partner’s 3YO autistic son was coming over the next day. I was surprised because my partner had not mentioned this to me at all. I was excited, though a bit upset. I raised my two youngest brothers every other weekend while living with my awful father when I was 12, I did many babysitting jobs growing up, and some with autistic children.
To clarify, I myself am autistic.
The next day comes. I don’t call myself mommy, I call myself by my nickname and try playing with him alongside my partner. However, no matter what I do with S, my partner is telling me ‘no, don’t do this, don’t do that, stop hovering over him,’ etc. I give up at one point and go to our room where F brings up S to me to play with.
I end up carrying S up and down the stairs because he finds it fun, and after I get exhausted I tell him that daddy should hold him and I’ll get his stuffed animal, and we’ll go nap time. S agrees but my partner is annoyed. Tells me to move away from the stairs, and yells at me that I’m going to let his son fall and that I need to let him do what he wants with his son.
That was my breaking point, and I left to stay with my mom for a bit.
When I came back to where he and I are staying currently, I initiated a talk. He claimed the insensitive comments weren’t insensitive and just common sense, that he was stressed with working 80+ hours a week and now has a son to deal with and he doesn’t have to tell me he’s stressed, and that I made him mad going mommy mode because I apparently stepped over his boundaries.
I apologized if I came off that way and I would never step over a bio parent’s decisions. I explain again I am autistic.
I’m thinking about the mommy mode now, and now I don’t know if I was the jerk for how I acted with his son who he’s clearly now stressed with, or if I was actually being good to his son but it’s him being moody.
EDIT: Whenever my partner did ask me to stop doing something, I would without argument. He never told me about his son coming over and I wasn’t able to discuss it with him because he was at work, and promptly fell asleep when he got home. Communication is very important to me. And to people saying I was trying to take over the parenting role on purpose – I really, really was not.
I tried taking care of him like he was a child and playing with him, that’s all. Obviously, me stepping away and doing nothing was not a choice since S was brought up to me to play and deal with, by F, my partner’s sister. (My partner soon followed after her to lay down on the bed with me).
EDIT 2: His mother, his mother’s partner, his sister, and I all live in the same house. The son was brought over at the request of the grandmother for my partner and his son to start forming a relationship.
EDIT 3: I am so bad at this. After being confronted, he said he was trying to find a way to tell me about the son and was planning on doing so, and apologized and pleaded with me to stay with him.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But he is showing a lot of red flags: not telling you he has a son 6 months into the relationship, him controlling everything you do with the son and when you go take a moment to yourself he brings him to you to take care of, and then criticizing you again for taking care of the son yet again, he wants you to bear the results of his stress while not needing to tell you he is stressed…
It doesn’t matter if he was working 100 hour weeks, it doesn’t matter if he had a horde of children. There are no excuses for this level of disrespect, or lack of communication, and for treating you as if you were a serf and he was the high lord of the castle.
He is using you, and by making you feel like you owe him something, he is stepping all over you.
This isn’t going to be a matter of him only acting this way with this particular child because you are not the bio mother, this is going to be a pattern that will be repeated in all aspects of your life.” Slow-Bumblebee-8609
Another User Comments:
“Your partner might be narcissistic.
He might have been kind to you once but it is not hypocritical to request that he keep doing that.
YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS.
I was with someone for 10 years who catered to my disability and was also a jerk at times.
After leaving that relationship I realized I was a thing that he never appreciated and used to feel better about himself. Left me with nothing and the best 10 years of my life gone, invested in something only good for him.
That was when I saw the level of bad morals and the fact that some men will prey on autistic females like you and me because it enables their sense of control to have a disabled person dependent on them, but also because we allow it as we tend to have less support than others and grow to normalize what they’re doing wrong.
THIS IS NOT GOOD, DEAR. YOU ARE BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF RIGHT NOW. Whatever he did for you has now gone overboard.
Now let me tell you about narcissistic people. Narcissistic people do not have a rich emotional inner world, they feel things that they cannot explain to them because they do not have the words for it.
Instead what they will do is project that onto others.
‘I feel bad because of you/someone else’, when they feel good they feel good because of themselves not because of others.
That is the reason he will never appreciate you.
Instead, they use partners as a way to feel better about themselves, and when they feel bad about themselves be the punching bag.
THIS WILL ESCALATE.
He clearly is reflecting his parental insecurities on you, using you as the punching bag.
WHY WOULD YOU BE WITH SOMEONE LIKE THAT? If you didn’t know fine, you stayed because you didn’t know better, but if you stay now knowing that you are being taken advantage of that is on you.” vipassana-newbie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner was not watching HIS child. You helped out. He may be stressed, but that’s not the way to go about it. You two need to sit down and discuss boundaries regarding your relationship with his son. Every situation is different.
I didn’t know my husband had a son until 2.5 months after we started going out.
His ex and son had moved to Kentucky and he had very little contact. Since we’ve been together, he’s made the move to file for 50/50 custody and it was granted.
When his son is here, we help each other out. His son has started calling me ‘Mama’ (his ex doesn’t care, he calls his stepdad ‘daddy’).
I love that kid like he’s my own. I take him places, nap with him, and hold him whenever he wants me to. He thinks of me as his second mom, which nobody has any objections to. Not because I swooped in, but because I provided basic care and when we were all more comfortable, stepped into a motherly role while he was here.
But we discussed boundaries. And we still do. I triple-check to make sure what I do is okay with my husband and sometimes his bio mom.
First, you need to figure out if this is a situation you want to be in. You didn’t know he has a child until recently. He doesn’t seem to take care of his child when he is there.
And your partner doesn’t seem to appreciate you stepping in to help provide basic care. Secondly, if you want this, set up a time with your partner to discuss boundaries and rules. These need to be crystal clear.” smithtimestwo
14. AITJ For Asking My Sister If I Could Stay With Her After My Wife And I Fought?
“My wife and I are 19, we married in October. While both sets of parents were pretty shocked by the marriage thing, they came around, I didn’t have any fights with anyone, and, it was really cool that everyone was chill about it after a while.
Last weekend, my wife and I had our first huge fight and she told me that she needed space to think everything out. I said I’d sleep on the couch, which wasn’t good enough, she wanted me out.
My older sister, thankfully, lives very close to my wife and me. We can walk 10 minutes and be at her apartment building.
This was all sudden and I just couldn’t think of anything to say/send beforehand, so, I showed up in her lobby, and had the front desk guy call her down.
I told her what’d happened and said I just needed somewhere to stay tonight because my wife was pretty mad and that the next morning, I’d fix that whole situation.
My sister said no, and told me to go home and figure out the mess I’d caused and deal with it. I tried again to let her know it was a one-night thing & I’d sleep on the couch, be gone before she was awake. She again said no. She then told me I was being rude and pushy by showing up and asking for this favor.
I explained that this wasn’t pre-planned by me, this was an unforeseen thing that I was currently dealing with. Spent the night at a nearby hotel.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re young. You got married. You’re still learning. You have to figure this out. Your sister also isn’t the jerk. Hopefully, she had the best of intentions by pointing you towards dealing with this on your own.
You need to sit down when things are calm with your wife and figure out alternative ways to handle heated arguments without one of you needing to leave the marital home unless she volunteers to get out since it’s her own idea. She can even pitch a tent in the backyard if she needs space.
If you can’t come to an agreement on how to argue healthily – therapy time!! It’s a required skill for any relationship to be able to hash stuff out in a reasonable and respectful manner. Bc, there will be a lot of stuff.” Affectionate_Froyo70
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You should have accepted your sister saying no the first time she said it.
You do not have a right to crash at her house, not even for ‘just one night.’
Your wife should not have demanded you leave a shared home unless you were being violent, and then she should have made a discreet call to law enforcement to have you removed.
You should not have left the shared home.
This is not how marriage works. You sleep in another room, after telling the other person that you are not leaving the shared home and talk calmly the next day.
Honestly, this sounds extremely immature, and I got married at 19 and we didn’t have this issue. The home was for both of us, even if we were enraged over something.
Kicking the other out is not ever acceptable over a disagreement that isn’t abusive.” TibbleTabbs1114
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I can see how your sister would be annoyed (I assume you didn’t even text her and ask first), but it is not a big thing to ask of your sister. That being said, it sounds like you married each other way too early (people should live together for at least a year or two to handle these problems before marriage.
You can’t sleep somewhere else every time you have a fight).” einat162
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. This is between you and your wife. Both of you got married really young and didn’t know how to deal with a fight. She does not tell you to leave your house if you both had a fight (unless there was infidelity or illegal stuff involved).
If she needs space, she can move out herself, go for a ride, get coffee, and go for a hike. Basically tons of stuff to cool down and think about the fight.” ThinkerWhoTinkers
In fact, the wife is the real jerk in this situation.
Unless OP was being violent, she had no right to kick OP out of THEIR house.
She should've let him sleep on the couch, she's got plenty of room in their bedroom for her to "have her space".
What she did was selfish and it showed that in tense situations she's unwilling to compromise.
13. WIBTJ If I Let My Brother Fix Up The House But Not Sell It?
“My (27f) and my brother’s (20m) grandmother passed away a few months ago. So things kinda got thrown into chaos in our family.
I am the inheritor of the house, there is no disputing that, it has always been in our grandparents’ will that the amount gets split between the rest of the family but the house is mine, with the stipulation that my siblings always have a room there to stay and that if I ever sold the house I split the amount with them.
To be honest, the house is kinda run down, it was already old when my grandparents bought it over a decade and a half ago and I fully admit it, my grandmother and I are/were hoarders, not to the point where you need to do a reality TV show on it but the house does need clearing out and maintenance on it that I simply am not able to do due to lack of abilities and funds (Currently looking for a job in a bad market).
At the wake for my grandmother, I overheard my mother and brother talking and there were mentions of him clearing out the house and moving in which I am perfectly fine with long as we can figure out a fair way to split the utilities and council tax. I’ll be glad to be living with another person as it’s been lonely with just me and the cat.
Later on, during that wake (That happened right after my grandmother’s funeral) I ended up alone with my stepfather (my Brother’s father) and he started talking a LOT about fixing up and selling the house despite me asking him politely to drop it and making it clear I’m not interested.
Last week my brother came by to have a quick look at what needed doing to the house and insulted me by saying point-blank that he expected me to be living without heat and hot water.
After that, he talked about clearing out the front bedroom for him to take over sometime in the future and about some fixes to be done to the house, and the possibility of selling it. I told him bluntly ‘No, I have no plans whatsoever to sell the house.’ He tried to backtrack by saying that it’s a long-term plan and I rebutted that for me it isn’t a plan at all.
I’ve talked with my dad’s side of the family and they’re disgusted, pointing out that if I sell the house I wouldn’t really have anywhere to go, there’s no one on their or my mother’s side who could take me in as they don’t have room and if I do split the amount with my siblings (Which they’ve pointed out isn’t actually legally binding it’s just something my Grandparents wish for me to do) then I wouldn’t have enough to buy a new house or even a flat so I’d be stuck renting or trying my luck with council housing.
They’ve said I’ve already made myself clear so if my brother wants to keep clearing and fixing up the house thinking he’s going to get the funds from selling the house, that’s on him. I’m not obligated to keep telling him I’m not interested and that I might as well accept his help.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You’ve clearly told everyone that you’re not planning on selling at all. If he chooses to ignore that and do work on the place while living there, that’s his choice and problem. As others have suggested, it would be wise to have a proper rental agreement with him, or anyone else, if they’re moving in.
Also possibly add to it that if he chooses to put his own time and/or resources into it, it doesn’t entitle him to any share of the house, as you haven’t hired him and made your position on not selling the place clear.” -BananaLollipop-
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You all need to put all your cards on the table and be absolutely clear about what’s happening here.
If this is all just a verbal agreement and your brother invests a lot of time and resources into fixing up the house, he may later have grounds to say he either has a share in the house or you owe him payment for his work.
You must make it clear that you’re not selling, and you must get any agreement in writing before you allow him to do any work on the house.” WebbieVanderquack
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your grandmother is! It’s fine if she gave you the house but she can’t dictate what you decide to do with the house after it’s signed over to you! What happens if your brother or yourself get a SO/partner and don’t get along? You’re supposed to be uncomfortable in your own home to make room for him or any other siblings.
When will this stop? I would talk to a lawyer and ask if this is even legal that you have to give them any funds if you ever decide to sell on your own terms. And don’t let him move in without an end date! Let him know that he pays for utilities and council taxes, and if no mortgage applies to help him save for the next home he is not to move in with any other people.” Mom_2_gurlz
12. AITJ For Charging My Sister Interest When She Borrows From Me?
“My (20F) older sister (29F) borrows from me all the time and currently owes me $9500 which she’s paying off with $50 a week (she’s paid off $600 so far in $50s and is considering paying it all off by end of this year to just get it over with and because I’ve been getting annoyed with it lately because of how she has been acting) and she also owes me $1600 which she’s gonna pay off within a month when she gets paid.
So the first $9500 was lent to her in lesser amounts over about 5 years cause she needed funds for bills, wanted to redecorate the house we live in, and also borrowed a few thousand for her car.
I got the funds from half saving up a ton and budgeting like crazy because I really like having savings and the other half were funds my mum gave me on my 18th birthday.
For the last 5 years, I didn’t charge interest or anything but a few months ago I got annoyed that she hasn’t paid it back yet and so I made it that all future funds she borrows she has to pay interest (she doesn’t pay interest on the $9500 but does on the $1600 she recently borrowed, the interest I charge her is %10 extra when she returns the funds).
She thinks I’m a jerk for charging her interest since I’m not even gonna use it and instead just have it sit in my bank account as savings so she doesn’t see why I need it back so soon. We just argued and she said ‘You’ve never lent me out of the kindness of your heart’ which I got angry about because I never charged interest or pressured her about paying me back on the $9500 for like 5 years and on anything else she borrowed before a few months ago.
I don’t charge interest to earn off of her but instead to sway her away from using my funds although I do openly show that I like the interest because I’m always low on funds since I’ve been trying to save up the last 6 months while I’ve been in school (helps with stress).
Both my siblings think I’m a jerk for being petty about finances, wanting it back so fast, and charging interest and so I’m starting to wonder if I’m the jerk because I shouldn’t be lending them if I’m gonna be annoyed about it and because I’m charging her interest.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Lending rules in life (especially if you like having a safety net): you do not lend to anyone if A) you know that you won’t get it back, B) you don’t intend to get it back, or C) you know the person borrowing will cause a problem.
If your sister doesn’t like the interest then she can stop borrowing from you once she pays you back in full along with the interest.
Stop lending her, you’re not a bank or her parent, you have your own crap to pay for, oh, and if you find yourself lending out again, get whoever it is to sign how much they are borrowing and the terms and conditions that go with it. Lending and borrowing can get ugly because human nature is ugly when it comes to money; you should cover your butt if anything legal comes up.” outstanding_move_ko
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your sister is a jerk for basically using you as a piggy bank. But to charge interest on your own family member doesn’t look good either. Unfortunately, when it comes to lending to family and friends, you should be prepared to lose it because enforcing collection on a loan gets ugly when family is involved.
You’re not a jerk for lending, helping out your sister, wanting to be paid back, etc. But attempting to charge interest will make you appear like a jerk and definitely give people something to gripe about and resent you for it.
I think working out a payment plan will be good. Maybe see if there’s an app that allows your sister to make recurring payments so the repayment is done more seamlessly.
Definitely get something down in writing. Maybe instead of charging her interest from the get-go, write in a late payment clause (like a $100 late fee kicks in if she doesn’t repay X amount in a year).
I saw a meme just the other day about how some uncle messaged everyone in his family asking for funds, and when the poster replied offering to lend some to the uncle, the uncle said he doesn’t actually need anything but this way, he gives off the impression he’s poor so family members won’t ask him for anything into the future.
You could consider doing that to put pressure on your sister to repay and curb future borrowing requests.” cedarnotes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… it’s a weird flex to charge interest… not really my cup of tea. My approach to this has been to put a cap on how much I lend to someone. Nowhere near 10k.
But since it’s a different currency… let’s say 20% of my monthly income. Once you reach that cap… I don’t care if you are dying on the streets or starving due to your own budgeting issues…. I will not lend any more. This sometimes makes people angry and they stop altogether but… I find it works best for me.
For me, 10k is a very large amount. And also 5 years is a very large period. Especially since… debts should be decreasing not increasing… I have no idea why you would keep giving her help for car trouble while she doesn’t pay for the renovations she wanted.
Instead of charging interest… maybe just… put a stop to this.
No more lending till the full sum has been returned. You could put it in a savings account or stocks or something to argue that the funds are not available as it is invested. Or you could say that you want the payment available on quick notice in case you want to buy a house (this one was my choice).
Good luck… and screw the siblings… they’re the jerks for making demands about your income.” justMe482
11. AITJ For Leaving The Heater On At Night?
“My two best friends and I moved in together in October and everything went relatively well, as you’d expect (or at least hope). But then one night, as I went to the movie theater with my girl, I asked one of my roommates (little otter) to turn on the heat in anticipation of my return.
We usually only do this as a last resort, but it was already freezing and I didn’t see that changing as the night grew (c)older.
Instead of turning on the heat, which is meant to heat each room separately, little otter turned on the stove, which sits in a corner in the living room (1st floor) and ‘supposedly’ does the exact same thing for the whole house (4 floors total).
My bedroom is on the upper floor, includes a balcony that stretches the entire length, and is otherwise poorly isolated.
Upon coming home, I noticed the heat wasn’t and hadn’t been on for the duration of my absence – 3 hours give or take, including the ride home. So I instinctively turned up the heat, in an effort to secure a good night’s sleep.
The room temperature barely differed from the cold outside, which had to be around the freezing point at that time… after laying in my bed for around 10 minutes, I overheard said roommate going downstairs to turn off the heat, stating that I was exaggerating. I then invited him to lay next to me so he’d understand my ordeal, which he promptly refused.
We argued about it for a couple of days, only to find everyone (or at least the ones he asked) shared his opinion. Mind you, I’m someone who sleeps with a table fan from March onwards, and is usually not bothered by the cold, though I’ve developed somewhat of a sleeping disorder within the past year.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – As someone who lives in a place that goes down to negatives, with roommates, sometimes you really do need to have the heater on for the night. No matter how many layers of PJs or thermals you have, it can be uncomfortable. I understand the cost of living has to be discussed and covered by everyone.
So think of a solution that will work for everyone: Buy a personal heater for your room, or discuss paying a higher percentage of the share if the heating is for your room only.” ninjabat_screech
Another User Comments:
“Well expecting the stove to properly warm up a room on the 4th floor is obviously nonsensical.
But leaving the heat on all night because outside is at the freezing point also seems over the top to me.
I say this as someone from the subtropics who grew up in a place with non-insulated wooden houses, which nevertheless hit freezing or even below on winter nights, and we never had heating in our rooms. So I’m not sure you’re as unbothered by the cold as you think you are.
It seems your house has overruled you, and you can’t turn the heat on for the whole house clearly when no one else wants it on. Get a space heater for your room and pay the bills for it.
YTJ because you can’t turn the central heating on when no one else wants it on.” Left-Car6520
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Not only is it a reasonable request, but it also costs more to constantly have the heat turned on and off to change the temp by 5 degrees or more – it makes the system work harder and longer, so it’s ‘wear and tear’ on your utility systems as well as costing extra.
From the time it gets cold to when it is comfortably above freezing, the heater should be set between 55-60 at the minimum – this will also ensure your pipes don’t freeze and burst!” gratefulnothateful11
10. AITJ For Wanting To Get My Autistic Grandson A VR Headset?
“My grandson is 5 & autistic. He has a hard time with many daily social skills.
He has issues with ‘over vs under’, ‘next to vs into’, understanding simple directions like the steps to build a play pizza (placing things in order). Tonight I got my son’s oculus quest 2 out for my grandson to try. To my surprise, he caught on to a game where he was driving Santa’s sleigh & as he landed on rooftops he had to pick up the gifts to throw down the chimney.
He had a blast and was so excited that he could do it. It was really fun watching him up and active and engaging in something that he was thriving at! He totally got it! I told my daughter I wanted to buy him one & she immediately shut it down!
I was trying to explain to her they have a lot of building social skills games that he could really benefit from and that I was researching it online and it’s something that parents are incorporating by teaching their children things like walking through a grocery store to look for certain items to place in the cart (with moms walking them through it while watching it on their laptops and directing the child as to what to ‘shop’ for without the drama of being in an actual store).
Another game makes pizza by making the dough and then adding toppings and making drinks where they had to get a cup out, add the ice, and then the drink. Simple things, but thinks he doesn’t yet grasp. My daughter is adamant that he can’t have ANY video games. I understand that and if I were trying to sit him in front of an Xbox then I could totally see that, but this is something that keeps him up, moving about, and interacting in educational social settings, and more than anything else, it’s something that he took to immediately and was VERY excited that he could understand what the goal was!
His parents wouldn’t even acknowledge to him that he was doing a great job and praise him for his efforts!
When it was time to put it away, he got very upset and before I could really even explain to him that we would play again tomorrow his mother got very angry that he was throwing a fit and snapped at me that this is the reason he’s NOT getting one.
I felt horrible because we were having a lot of fun and his parents saw nothing beneficial to it at all. It’s hard to find things that grab his attention and I just feel like under proper supervision and limited screen time he would gain a lot of skills in so many games offered for his age that are backed by parents of autistic children.
I offered to keep it at my house but she isn’t hearing it (they’re temporarily living with me until they get their new house built). I’m so frustrated because I try to honor their wishes, but I think she’s overreacting and it’s doing him a great disservice by not allowing him to engage in ALL different types of developmental play that he can access and most importantly, succeed in!”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. He’s really too young to have one tbh even though I agree it sounds like something he might benefit a lot from in a few years, and his parents sound… not the most understanding of his condition. Keep gently advocating for him and taking an interest in what lights him up though, he’s very lucky to have a nana like you, and if you have one at your house he can still play very occasionally.” GlitteringHappily
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. My daughter is 7 and has autism. She had a lot of problems with understanding when it was time to stop an activity and move on to another and requires a lot of timers and such and even gets to ask for 1 more min for example. But it was something we worked on in therapy and before we got to where we are now, where she’s almost meltdown free, we had some horrible meltdowns.
Some in public over leaving a mall play area, or leaving an area of a cat shelter where they let her help socialize kittens, or even involving Pokemon Go or other games she would play on her tablet.
You don’t mention if your grandson is in therapy, and while I agree it’s a good idea and can help, if he has issues with moving from one activity to another, like getting upset it was time to stop, it could be a valuable teaching tool.
But it’s something his mom needs to understand and work on with him as well as you. Otherwise, it’s just going to cause more problems.” ShinyShadowGligar
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Ultimately, since it’s her child, it’s your daughter’s decision to get him one. You made a solid sell on why the boy should have one (you even sold me, a random mid-30-something internet stranger, on why it’s a good idea!) But if she’s not interested, you made your sell and that’s about all you can do for now, unless she asks for your suggestions in the future about ways to help the boy.” Sperheoven_Krispies
9. AITJ For Getting A Teacher Fired?
“I (16F) go to a private school. And there, I had a teacher who I was close with.
I’ll call him John (34M).
He was an English teacher, and he helped with my English speech and assignments a lot. From there, I started hanging out with him a lot, and we ended up having a pretty good friendship (?).
I was in a club that he hosted, and we usually chatted there under the guidance of ‘English Learning’.
One day, I was really hungry, and with another member who was a part of the club, we jokingly suggested to John that we go to a convivence store and buy some snacks. He agreed, and although we were surprised, we didn’t want to miss the chance and we all went to the store. We all bought candy and ate them in his classroom.
A few weeks later, he got fired.
Lately, I’ve overheard a rumor that the reason he got fired was because he took a student to a store during club activities times, and that it was deemed irresponsible.
I told a friend about it, and she told me that it was my fault and that if I hadn’t suggested the idea, he wouldn’t have been fired. He was a popular teacher, so I feel really bad.
I’ve been thinking about this lately, and I’m unsure if it’s really not my fault.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You are definitely NTJ here, and it is not your fault that the teacher got fired. I am sure the school has a policy against what he did, and he was certainly aware of that policy.
You, on the other hand, had no way of knowing about that policy and simply accepted his offer. Now, the interaction between this teacher and you and your friends may have been perfectly innocent, but those rules are in place for a reason and he knew that.” Erised2022
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If that’s the reason he was fired then he knew the rules.
Teachers can’t take students off-campus for non-school-related activities. Even in school-related, they’d need permission from a parent. This may seem strict but that’s a rule for a good reason. It’s also why teachers don’t hug students they probably aren’t allowed to unless it’s like at the graduation ceremony or something.” pnutbuttercups56
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and you’re feeling guilty based on rumors.
There’s no way to know what actually happened and why he was fired.
AND as is the case with any adult and child, it is THE ADULT’s responsibility to know and follow rules and ensure that nothing dangerous or inappropriate occurs. If taking students to the store is a fireable offense (allegedly) he should have said no to you.
Period.
This is not your fault and don’t let people make you feel bad due to rumors.” thewildlifer
8. AITJ For Making Breakfast Way Before My Kids Wake Up?
“Usually on weekends my husband and I make more elaborate breakfasts compared to weekdays when it’s like cereal/fruit to-go. Recently my kids (14M, 16F) have been complaining that by the time they wake up the food is cold and unappealing.
My husband and I wake up at 5 AM and after our morning jog and breakfast prep, everything is usually hot and ready to eat at like 7 AM. My kids wake up at 9 AM. I told them to either wake up early or******* up and eat cold/microwaved pancakes or casserole.
They say I’m in the wrong.
I personally like to get the cooking done early on so I can start my house chores and don’t like to on an empty stomach. I don’t care when they wake up on the weekends, it’s just an inconvenience for me on top of my already long list of chores/responsibilities I need to complete that day, to wait until they do get up.
It’s a favor in the first place and I don’t think they have a right to make a fuss about it, they’re free to remake it themselves when they get up. AITJ?
Info: I don’t leave aside extra cold food to shame them or force them to eat it. They still want to eat the leftover food over cereal etc, but want me to make it later so it’s fresh and hot.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
I’m a morning person like you. But I do see where your kids are coming from. No teen wants to wake up at 7 am on weekends, and I don’t think they’re even wired to do that at that age. They need their sleep. So if you’re going to do something nice for them on the weekends, it would kind of make sense to do it at the time that they actually wake up.
My family and I would have ‘big breakfasts’ together on Sundays, with all the indulgent breakfast stuff you can imagine. I really cherish those memories.
All that being said, I see where you’re coming from as well. You seem to keep a super busy life, and shifting your schedule to interrupt your busy day doesn’t sound like it would work for you.
Your kids are teenagers. They’re more than old enough to make themselves a hot breakfast, and if they want one they should do it.
Kind of feels like it doesn’t make sense to do it at all with this dynamic.” fzooey78
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. This comes off as passive-aggressive like perhaps you resent that your kids are getting a couple more hours of (much needed) sleep?
You’re missing out on bonding time with your kids. You’re also not setting an example where togetherness is prioritized within the family. Teenagers have different circadian rhythms than adults do, they simply need more sleep.
Your kids have communicated that they are unhappy about this. What they probably feel is rejected and hurt that you won’t prioritize a nice meal together as a family.
What are you teaching them? Be considerate of others’ needs UNLESS it’s inconvenient for your schedule? This isn’t a #girlboss move, it’s just awful. You’re a mother. Be better.” canteskuya
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are making a more complex breakfast on the weekend because that’s when you have time to do so. You are making it when you do because it isn’t fair to ask you to wait until your kids wake up so you and your spouse can eat.
If pancakes or casseroles can’t be kept warm in the oven until the teens get up, then they can easily be warmed up and is still much nicer than the weekday cereal.
Your kids are old enough to be making choices for themselves. You don’t ask them to get up early. They have the freedom to get up at 7ish and eat when it is fresh off the griddle or to sleep until 9 and make a choice to eat reheated food (which is perfectly fine and not sufficiently sub-par to warrant complaint) or make themselves something else.
They are at an age where you should be able to expect them to feed themselves breakfast any day of the week. You are doing something nice by making a fancier meal on the weekend. They can be happy to have it and eat it when they choose, or they can make something else for themselves.” Next_Implement_6648
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, but in the nicest way possible.
I can understand you having a routine and doing things in a particular way. It’s nice that you cook for the entire family and don’t expect your kids to be up at the crack of dawn on the weekend.
On the other hand, who wants a cold breakfast?!?
Is there a compromise where you could do another chore early and make breakfast a little before 9 am? I also agree with other comments about letting the kids make it themselves, especially as a way to teach them to cook.
I think if y’all compromised on something that worked for everyone this wouldn’t be an issue.
This can also be a good experience to teach the kids how to have conversations to resolve issues, a very valuable life skill.” soapbox_shawty
7. AITJ For Telling My Friend That Nobody Likes Him?
“A few weeks ago my friend and I got into an argument over me apparently taking a limited edition figure he spent 6 months saving to buy. Just keep in mind before this argument even happened we were talking about a mutual friend moving around things in his house. Anyway, my friend started blaming me over and over again for stealing from him even when I was responding with evidence that I didn’t and trying to explain it might have been our other mutual friend.
After around 15 minutes of him constantly blaming me, I lashed out and said, ‘please shut up nobody likes you, you’re a loner and you’re a piece of crap, now will you please leave me alone. I said I didn’t do anything and you’re not even listening to my side of the story!’
He blocked me on everything and our friends are taking his side and not talking to me.
I also might lose a mod position I worked very hard to get and had for over a year, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. The friend sucks so much for accusing you despite you pleading your innocence repeatedly. The other friend sucks for possibly stealing/lying. But what you said was utterly destructive and can not be taken back/forgiven that easily.
I just last year ditched a friend who straight up from nowhere when I just tried to listen to her life situation and be supportive said ‘I don’t even know why I still talk to you.’ After 15 years of friendship – well, now she got what she wanted because I’ll probably never ever talk to her again, at least haven’t since.
Words can destroy relationships in an instance.” GutentagCharlie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He accused you of stealing. And kept accusing you. If he’s like this with everyone, I’m sure nobody likes him.
You’re not obligated to spare the feelings of someone who’s willing to drag your name through the mud with baseless accusations.” KhaosDancer
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Him for repeatedly accusing you, and you for what you said – which clearly isn’t even true since your friends are siding with him on this issue. Calling someone a ‘piece of crap’ is a serious insult that was not justified in this argument. He was missing an extremely valuable item, his emotions were high, and he clearly had some reason to suspect you at the start.
He wasn’t right to keep pushing it after you gave whatever proof you had, but this is not the type of thing that makes someone a piece of crap.” wrightiam
Telling someone no one likes them can cause serious damage to their mental and emotional health.
And clearly it's not even true, since everyone in this friend group shunned OP.
Everyone needs to cool off, then if possible, sit down and discuss things like rational level headed adults.
6. AITJ For Asking My Family To Be Quiet While Eating Dinner At A Party?
“I am a senior in high school and I live with one parent. My grandparents are our neighbors. Sometimes on weekends, our house can get busy when my sister and the other parents visit along with my grandparents, but I can manage that as long as they don’t bother me too much and are not too loud early in the morning.
What I can’t stand is when we have other guests (usually our extended family). I’m not a people person and I need my alone time so I get annoyed when someone else visits us but I try not to show it. Usually, I just keep quiet and talk only when spoken to because I can get unpleasant when speaking my mind about certain topics so I decided it’s better to stay quiet.
After a while, I excuse myself and go to my room for the rest of the night.
Last Saturday was the day we had guests and I was moody and annoyed. I again tried not to show my annoyance. The dinner table was set and we all started eating. The whole time I tried not to flinch at the sounds of people chewing and I tried to ignore people talking with full mouths so hard but after some point it became unbearable.
Then I decided to do something about it. I cleared my throat and said, ‘Can you guys please keep quiet while eating, it’s not pleasant to hear nor see everyone talking with their mouths full and I would like you to eat first, and then you can talk all you want.’ After that everyone went quiet but I felt the tension in the air that remained until I excused myself and went to my room.
Later, when the guests left my father told me that I was very unpleasant, that I made everyone uncomfortable, and that now the whole family thinks that I’m not well in the head. I was confused since I tried my best to sound polite but apparently, I sounded passive-aggressive. My sister and mother also agree with him and say that I should refrain from being my usual jerk self at least when the extended family visits.
I honestly don’t know if I’m a jerk for this because I wasn’t mean to anyone, but everyone in my family thinks differently and I would like to hear some objective opinion on this.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. The specific purpose of a dinner party is to eat and chat at the same time. Mannerly people are skilled at speaking in between eating, so no one speaks with a full mouth.
(If they aren’t mannerly, I could see how this would be annoying, but still not ok what you did).
You’re a child of the household, not the host or homeowner. You should have quietly excused yourself and left the area. Asking a whole group of people to eat in silence isn’t going to cut it.
You do sound as if you have some sensory or emotional issues – hopefully, you can get that addressed via your school or some other way.” Unit-Healthy
Another User Comments:
“Yea, you have something going on with you, mentally in some way. That isn’t quite normal. Now sometimes I do need quiet like if it’s a bad day or I’m overwhelmed with things, have a headache, or whatever.
But that sounds like an actual medical/mental illness/chemical thing. Like everyone said, sensitivity to sounds all the time is a sign of autism, etc and you need to get checked out. I get that your family doesn’t believe in it but maybe sit down and talk to them about what sounds do to you.
Some people have this hypersensitivity to sounds and it causes this kind of reaction that you really can’t control. I’m going with ‘everyone sucks here’ because it isn’t ok for you to respond like that but also your family needs to get over their archaic views of someone having an issue like this.
There are all kinds of therapies and stuff. If your family won’t help you, as soon as you can and are able you need to get yourself help. There is a huge, wonderful world out there and it would be a pity that you wouldn’t get to experience it, it’s also very loud sometimes.
Hang in there, try to talk to them, if all else fails earplugs, can help.” Knox_7304
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Yes, it was rude because dinner parties are not just for eating. They are for enjoying other people’s company and being together and talking.
So, even though you asked politely, you were asking to take away the most valuable part of why everyone was gathered together.
It’s kind of like someone going to a concert but being asked to be blindfolded. Yeah, they can still hear the music, but a big part of the concert is being able to watch the show! It would be ruined if blindfolds were required, they might as well not even go.
I realize that ‘for you’ it is not enjoyable to be together and eat and talk.
And you don’t feel like it would be acceptable to excuse yourself and avoid the situation. The best thing you can do is to make things easier for yourself while explaining them in a way that your family can accept.
For example, one of the commenters suggested saying you have an earache and you read that earplugs help.
Something like that. Figure out what would help (maybe not hearing a lot of the sounds, maybe playing some music in the background, maybe sitting in a certain spot) and find a reason for it that would be acceptable to your family, then do the thing that makes it easier and explain it in an acceptable way.” Grateful-Butterfly
5. WIBTJ If I "Re-Gift" My Brother's Christmas Present Back To Him?
“My (30F) brother’s (28M) birthday is going to be this Saturday and I’m thinking of giving him back one of the Christmas presents he got me to eat with his friends.
Let me say that not all of my brother’s gift was bad. He got me a bag of my favorite Japanese lychee candy, some milk chocolate, and… a box of BeanBoozled. For those (like me) who are unfamiliar with this, BeanBoozled is a box of colorful and ‘flavorful’ jellybeans.
Like, one peach-orange jellybean can taste like… well, peach, and the same peach-orange jellybean can taste like vomit. Or a yellow-ish jellybean can taste like buttery popcorn and another jellybean of the same color will taste like a rotten egg. You get the gist of it: one tastes good, the other has a nasty taste.
I don’t think he bought me this on purpose. We’re not North American, so this type of candy is not common where we live. And I get that it can be a funny thing to eat at a party or something amongst friends (it even came with the little roulette), but the problem is… I’m a picky eater.
When I was younger I would get really sick and throw up the whole day to the point of needing my parents to drive me to the hospital so they could give me fluids. No doctor discovered what it was, I would just start throwing up during the day until nothing was left in my stomach and I couldn’t hold anything down either.
It happened maybe 4-5 times a year when I was little and it got better as I grew up (the last time I had something like this was 2012 and before that, I can’t even remember). Also, when I started throwing up, there was no other way to make me feel better, I had to go to the hospital to get fluids, otherwise, it just wouldn’t stop.
I guess my picky eating habit came from that. I didn’t (and still don’t) like to be out of my comfort zone when it comes to food because even after all these years I’m scared of throwing up. I even despise the smell of vomit, I can’t stand it.
So eating a jellybean that can taste like vomit is a hard no for me.
But I also don’t like to waste candy, especially because it’s imported and my brother paid for it.
WIBTJ if I gave it to him to eat with his friends during his birthday party?
Note 1: I won’t be gifting him just this, I’ve bought several imported snacks and candies for him (just don’t know if they’ll be delivered on time, but he’s aware and doesn’t mind).
Note 2: I only ate the blue jellybeans because the good one tastes like berry blue and the bad one tastes like toothpaste so it… Not that bad.
Edit: maybe I worded it wrong. I’m not saying that I’ll put a ribbon on it and give it to my brother as a gift. More like giving him the beans to share with his friends, as he did with the Korean Tako Chips that I gave him for Christmas.
He didn’t like it and said I could have it (and he’s a massive chip eater, he’s notorious for ending bags of chips in less than a week every time we go to the supermarket). Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately, I wasn’t too fond of the Tako Chips as well), my dad got to it first and ate it all, so… Yeah.”
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ if you re-gifted them to the person who gave them to you. If you don’t like them just get rid of them. They’re actually a super common gift all over the world, and I think you’ve put too much thought into why you can’t eat them. I’d just throw them away or give them to a friend, but do not give them back to your brother.
It is pretty rude to give a gift back to the person who bought them for you, and I genuinely feel like you are not a rude person…based on this post anyway.” the_bribonic_plague
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ, just throw the box of nasty jelly beans away. Or if you do give it to him, just tell him you can’t eat them, but thought he and his friends might get a kick out of it.
Don’t regift him an opened box of candy without a disclaimer. Give him a real present, even if it doesn’t cost much. It’s the thought that counts.” couldbeyouornot
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If you already have other gifts for him and he knows they may arrive late just give him the gifts you already got for him, in absolutely no circumstance should you ever regift a gift back to a person who originally gave you the gift.” Youjiveturkey56434
4. AITJ For Lying About When I Took A Photo?
“My best friend (or ex-best friend) likes to get photos of me when we’re not together, I personally hate taking them, it can be triggering due to my upbringing but she insists on new photos all the time. Sometimes, I just can’t, so I recycle photos that aren’t that old, that she hasn’t seen before.
It saves me from getting in trouble for not sending her photos and I don’t have to go through the anxiety and panic of facing a camera.
Needless to say, she found out and she cut me off real quick (I don’t blame her). She told me I ruined us by lying and I told her that her constant pressure made me feel cornered enough to get sneaky.
I’m not happy with what I did but it was getting exhausting to keep up with demand.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s not normal for friends to pressure each other into doing stuff they aren’t comfortable with – insisting on new photos of a friend all the time isn’t normal. It really isn’t normal.
And cutting someone off just for sending an old photo is very strange.
This sounds like a friendship you just don’t need. Find a proper friend who likes and accepts you for who you are without trying to pressure or change you.” bluep3001
Another User Comments:
“Split decision on this one.
You did lie to her and that sucks.
If you’re going to end up arguing anyway you might as well argue over the truth. You should have politely said no and explained why. If it resulted in an argument then so be it.
Your reason for lying is understandable, however. Your friend has no right to demand anything of you, especially when it’s something you don’t want to do.
Everyone sucks here, but I can understand why you did what you did.” Generic-Thing
Another User Comments:
“NTJ NTJ NTJ
She is ignoring your boundaries.
You do not owe her pictures (or anything else at this point).
I’ve been pushed by a needy person to the point that I lied just to get them off my back, and I promise you, you’ll feel a whole lot better if you just walk away, rather than constantly trying to meet her unreasonable demands.” plm56
I'm cam and mic shy. I had to do some work to be comfortable for my daughter's wedding, so I get it. It stinks but it's an accepted part of some events, which is why I did the work. YMMV so NTJ.
3. AITJ For Not Letting My Son Quit Football?
“Currently, my son (14m) is really interested in music. He spends hours every night at home practicing with his guitar and has joined a local theatre group that meets twice a week.
Other than school, his only other commitment is football. He has been playing since he was nine and he is now playing every game in the season, whereas previously he had been a reserve.
He’s met great friends through football and lots of his friends from school play as well. Being on the team gives him the opportunity to travel to compete in different tournaments, teaches him teamwork and commitment, and it’s the only thing that keeps him active as he doesn’t enjoy PE in school.
However, my son has recently decided that he wants to quit football to focus wholeheartedly on his music.
I’m proud of his passion and ability, but do think that he would be remiss to give up football at this stage. Yes, it does take up two nights of his week, but he would be a lot less active and a lot less social if he did not go. I have told him that he should wait out this season and then if he doesn’t want to join the Under 16s squad next year, that is his decision, but he is very annoyed with me and thinks I am only forcing him to play football because he is a boy, which I am not.
My sister, who has two sons, thinks that I am indeed the jerk here as her son (12m) has quit multiple sports/clubs before he found his love of tennis. I do not like the idea of forcing my children into anything that they don’t want to do, but I do feel that there are more benefits to him participating than just sitting in our garage with his guitar all night.
Can any other parents relate to this? Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“The only benefit you mentioned that he’s not getting elsewhere is physical (even that’s debatable as theater can be quite physical sometimes). Teamwork, commitment, social skills, etc, are all things he can get through theater and music. YWBTJ if you try to make him stick with something he doesn’t enjoy.
You aren’t the jerk for having him finish out the season since he made a commitment to the team unless he expressed a desire to quit before the current season and you pushed him to do it anyway. In that case, he didn’t make a commitment, you made one for him. Is he physically active outside of sports or gym class?
Does he do physical activities with any of his friends? If so, just let him be. If he’s not and you’re worried about him getting enough exercise, just tell him that you want him to do something physical for his health, but let him choose.
He might decide he wants to do martial arts, a different team sport, weight lifting, dance (which would be very beneficial in theater and music both), or anything else.
It’s not wrong to require he choose a physical activity for health reasons, it is wrong to require it to be the one you want. Without further info, I’m going with ‘no jerks here.'” crazymamallama
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – But it was a close call.
I think you’re being kind and rational, but I was gently and repeatedly nudged into sports as a kid and I pretended to like it because of all the pressure the world put on me to be good at it.
Also, I had ZERO concepts of what a long-term time commitment was until I was 16 or so, I was so miserable playing sports that time ground to a halt and I just dreamed of doing something artistic the whole time. I know in theory everyone gets something out of sports, but I was secretly/quietly bullied for being sensitive and developed some serious issues that lasted well into adulthood from it.
On the surface, everyone was enthusiastically kind to me, but I was getting beat up in the locker rooms every day.
I’m sure it’s nothing that serious with your son, but don’t underestimate how oppressive that world can be. I highly recommend asking him how much he truly enjoys football, and whether he’d be willing to still commit to exercising in some other fashion.
You’re smart to want him to stay active and not put all his cards in careers that might seem unreliable, but at the same time, he’s at an age where he’s trying to find his people, and he may be starting to know where his people are. Give him a little more credit. Childhood is short.
He might benefit most from learning what he loves.” Kerplunkoid
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It took me so long to fully understand that I really wanted to be making music for the rest of my life. My #1 biggest regret in life is the fact that I never learned how to play piano or any instruments when I was younger, and that my parents have always discouraged and blown off anything I wanted to do.
Whether that was gymnastics, dance, making music, drawings, etc. I know this is biased because this directly relates to me, but in my opinion, I think you should be completely supportive of what your son wants to do with his life and how he wants to spend his time. If he wants to make music 24/7 and focus on that instead of other things like sports, please let him.
If he wants to be good at making music it takes hours and hours and hours and hours and just really, YEARS to make good music and to be successful and build confidence. I understand you may not be super knowledgeable about how the industry works which is okay, but I would recommend you let him pursue that full time.
Especially because it can REAAALLLYY pay off in the long run.
Please don’t force him to do other things he may or may not like just because you think it’s good for him socially and physically. I know you want what’s best for him and I get it, but forcing your children to spend time doing things they aren’t as passionate about or things they aren’t passionate about at all REALLY sucks.
It’s a waste of their time. And it makes them believe you don’t care about what they’re passionate about. I think he can learn and experience what you want him to go through by doing other things. Being active is healthy for everyone but I’m sure you can figure out other things like maybe making him go on a run or something.
If you want him to be more involved with things socially then sign him up for guitar/piano/vocal lessons.” isaacamaraderie
2. WIBTJ If I Told My Friend I Was Upset With Her Even Though She'd Just Given Birth?
“Back in November, I was supposed to attend my best friend’s baby shower. Unfortunately, my grandfather passed away and I had fallen behind in school and I just wasn’t able to make it.
I was upset for days. At that point in time, I had discussed with her that I would like to come visit her, her husband, and the baby on President’s Day weekend. I work in a public school and take master’s classes at night so I have a very limited schedule and very limited time off.
She said, as of right now she loves that idea but she isn’t sure if after she has the baby she’ll feel the same way because of the health crisis and the concerns with out-of-state visitors flying in. I said I completely understand.
Fast forward to the beginning of January our third best friend reached out in our group chat saying that she would like to come visit after the baby is born.
Our friend responded that I was coming on President’s Day weekend and it would be great if she wanted to join in on the visit. I made sure to bring up the notion that she may or may not be comfortable with us coming after the baby comes and the other visitor and I agreed to book refundable flights.
I had later decided that because she was nervous, I would drive the 6 hours instead of risking being on an airplane and then visiting a newborn.
Our friend gave birth on Wednesday night.
Last night, we received a text saying that her husband’s brother and his family had just booked tickets to come to visit them the same weekend that we have been planning without asking them first. She went on to say that it would be too overwhelming for that many people to be in the house and basically said that we can’t come anymore.
The three of us have been friends since high school – over a decade – and this is the first of us to have a child.
I am so heartbroken! I won’t be able to come out for another visit until the end of April and I just feel completely disregarded. I want to respect her current situation and not add any more stress to her life as a new mom but I also feel hurt.
I’m a blunt person who believes in shameless communication. The whole situation doesn’t make sense. Who books a flight (across the country – coast to coast) to see a newborn without asking the mother first? I feel like I’ve been pushed out the door.
WITBJ if I told this new mother that my feelings are hurt.
I couldn’t sleep last night and I cried about it on the way to work. I had a really tough year last year and this group of girls is restorative to my soul. I was really looking forward to meeting our new best friend and spending time with my girls. The other friend is also upset but she was able to go to the baby shower and has more flexibility in her schedule although she doesn’t want to visit without me because she feels it will be more special if we are all together.
The other friend is more upset with the husband saying that this was his doing.
I want to do the right thing but I just feel so sad.”
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ if you said something.
She didn’t do this TO you and she clearly can’t make her husband stand up to his family.
When I think back to the first days of my baby I was so overwhelmed and it’s a blur, throw in a mix of hormones that were out of control and maybe some PPD and it was a great time.
If my good friend had come up and told me I hurt them due to no fault of my own I would have taken that to heart and I don’t know what it would have done to my mental health.
You are her close, loving friend, it’s time to act like it! Make plans for the next time she is up for it and really get her input, it seems like a lot of visitors happen to her without her control.
You can be different. Pay for some suppers or a gift for her and be there to listen to her.
Also, I suggest therapy for yourself. You say a couple of times you get upset to the point of crying over multiple days and you clearly need someone to lean on for support. It ain’t this friend right now but you need some coping help.” Puzzleheaded-Cap-431
Another User Comments:
“NTJ as of now (the jerk being the brother and his family), but YWBTJ if you bring it up right now when tensions are high all around.
She canceled the plans due to something being sprung up on her and her husband, with no respect for their say. She could have told them not to come, but she was probably feeling too tired and worn to potentially start a fight with them, and telling them they could not come could have devolved quickly.
It’s completely understandable that you are feeling rejected, especially since you have had this plan set for months, but YWBTJ if you brought it up right now, considering the whole stress of the situation. Wait a few weeks, until they are a bit more rested, and then have a heart to heart about the situation.
You don’t need to say that you are okay and happy about being snuffed right now if she asks if you are okay with not going, the best would be to say ‘don’t worry about this right now,’ and then pick up the conversation later on. If you bring it up right now, this has the potential to devolve into a bit of argument due to you being hurt and her being overexerted.” Slow-Bumblebee-8609
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ.
Your friend is stuck regardless. And unlike many posters who are assuming that the BIL and his family take precedence over your friendship (that’s very dependent on the family and the friendship) or assuming that the BIL and the family will assuredly be doing all the house chores, etc and lightning the friend’s load (maybe they will but given that they booked plane tickets without talking to the family first makes me suspect they won’t be super-duper helpful) I’m not certain that the BIL visit will be all rainbows and unicorns.
However, what’s done is done. Sharing your feelings with your friend on this will only add to her stress and guilt.
Your feelings are completely valid however this is one of those times when sharing those feelings with your friend won’t help anyone. Maybe you’ll feel better short term but it will resolve nothing and add to her stress.
Trust me – she’s got enough stress right now.
Use that weekend to meet up with your other friend. Pamper yourself. Have fun.
I think a lot of this is pressure and guilt you have because you had to miss the baby shower. I think that hit you really hard along with your grandfather’s passing (my condolences), school, job, etc. You’re juggling a lot of glass balls right now.
Be gentle with yourself.” Advanced-Extent-420
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – but I wouldn’t tell the new mum that you’re upset about this. If you are as good friends as you say, and it sounds like you are, she already knows and is most likely upset and annoyed about this as well.
There’s a good chance she would rather have her friends come round, but she can’t say no to a family that does as you describe. She has asked you not to come because she thinks you will understand her situation.
Also, add to that the first couple of weeks with a newborn, the mum is soo tired, the baby is soo fussy and everyone is still getting used to a new dynamic.
Going a little later means that you will have more one-to-one time with both of them, and the baby will be slightly older and more ‘with it’ compared to a small thing that looks dangerously easy to break. I can see why you’re upset about this, but I don’t think it’s been done to hurt you.
Maybe in the future, it will come up in conversation, but I probably wouldn’t raise it. I hope you get a chance to see them soon.” pandalover001
Take comfort in the fact that she thought you were good enough friends to understand her dilemma and help her not have to make hard choices even more difficult. Your time will come, just not now. Cut her some slack.
1. AITJ For Not Hiring A Nanny For My Granddaughter When My Daughter Is Off From School?
“My daughter (17F) has a 1-year-old daughter. The father is not around. We sued for child support and won, but he has never paid a dime.
It was very important to not only my daughter but for myself and her mother that she finish high school, then go to college. Therefore, we made a deal. We will cover childcare expenses and everything related to the child (diapers, clothes, insurance, etc) until she graduates from college. In exchange, our daughter will focus on school and care for her daughter when she is home.
Due to panorama concerns, my wife and I decided that a nanny would be better vs putting her in daycare exposed to other kids. The nanny is a very sweet woman, who in the past has offered to watch our granddaughter for extra hours. We always tell her that won’t be necessary.
My daughter usually leaves for school right before the nanny arrives, so I stay with my granddaughter for 10 minutes.
Today when the nanny came, we were talking about potentially bad weather that might close the roads for tomorrow. As she doesn’t work Fridays (my wife is home and watches the baby), I said I’d pay her for the week now, including a full day on Thursday. She said we could just pay her on Saturday.
I was confused and she said my daughter had asked her to work. I told her, my daughter did not hire her. She doesn’t choose the hours. We do. Two, unless our daughter needs to study or something, we won’t be needing her.
I waited until my daughter came home to talk to her about it.
She said that her friends were going to a party. She feels overwhelmed from school and caring for a baby. I told her I understood but this was our deal. She started to cry and said that all her life is school and baby. I hugged her and told her that this was the bed she made and she was lucky to have the arrangement she does.
If she wants to earn her own money, she can get a part-time job and pay for childcare in her free time. That just made her more upset.
My wife agrees with me but our daughter is very upset and thinks we should cave just this once. AITJ?
Edit: My daughter was offered three choices upon getting pregnant.
Abortion, adoption, or keeping the baby with the arrangement seen here. She refused to consider anything but keeping the baby.
We have also offered recently to help her find a family for the baby.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You are doing a wonderful thing for your daughter and granddaughter, more than many people would do.
(If parents are underage, I think there should be a law that the grandparents pay child support, so I think the father’s parents should pay child support. You are, so why not them?!)
It’s understandable why you wouldn’t want to pay for extra nanny time for the daughter to go to a party. You’re already doing so much.
But I also understand the daughter. Socializing isn’t just for fun, it’s intrinsic to being human. Without knowing how much socializing she gets to do normally, I can’t really judge too easily. I don’t think you should have to pay. And it doesn’t seem fair for you to have to watch the baby more than you already do.
On the other hand, most parents do get to go out sometimes, with a family member watching the baby or a paid babysitter. If she got a part-time job, then she’d have to pay for a babysitter for that and probably wouldn’t even make enough to cover the cost. (Work a part-time job at $8/hr and pay the babysitter/nanny $15-25/hr does not pan out.)
I was a single Mom at age 21. One of the biggest things that had a detrimental effect on me and my son is that I thought I wasn’t allowed to have friends or a social life, so I didn’t for the first 4 years of his life. And I went a little bit mental. All my married sisters had asked the grandparents to babysit their kids sometimes so they could go out, but I never did.
Does your daughter have a sister or cousin or niece who could watch the baby for free once in a while – not enough to take advantage? That’s how it works in most families.” twitchydigits
Another User Comments:
“NTJ This may be unpopular, but I agree with you and your wife. What clinched this was that she went behind your back on this.
She might have asked you about having a night off to have fun, that’s a reasonable request. But she didn’t, she tried to sneak one by you.
17 and the mother of a 1 year old, she still has a lot of growing up to do. Adults talk and tell each other what’s going on, she’s a child raising a child.
Talk to her, work out something so she gets to be a teenager at least once or twice a month. These are not easy times we’re in.” CaliforniaJade
Another User Comments:
“This child is one. Since there is zero discussion of other incidents, it sounds to me like this is the literal first time this has come up where she wanted to do something outside of being a mom and a student.
In a YEAR. Twelve entire months of her teens where she has done everything you ‘require’ without any time off at all.
And this thread as a whole actually believes this is a reasonable response? Your child makes a bad decision by not discussing something with you and your response is to suggest she give her baby away??
How can you help raise a child for a year and think that is an option? How do you raise a baby and have zero emotional connection? Imagine the trauma that that completely innocent baby would experience. This is so, so gross.
On that note, how do you raise a child for 17 years and feel such utter contempt for her doing the best she can?
Yes, when you have a baby you have to grow up fast. But having a baby too young doesn’t magically change the fact that teenagers are impulsive and do not have the fully formed frontal lobe that helps people make rational, logically thought through choices. It’s not like she left her baby with a stranger to go party.
She arranged childcare with the trusted nanny and probably didn’t even fully consider the cost aspect.
The superiority from people who probably made the exact same choice that she did and were LUCKY enough not to get pregnant is just… wild.
YTJ.” ayellvee
Another User Comments:
“I can see your side of things, but you really need to remember that she’s still a kid herself.
She’s taking the best possible path forwards by being responsible and finishing school with plans to go to college, outside looking in that’s HUGE.
I’ve got a teenager that’s in the same age range, and personally, if this were my kid I wouldn’t be caving in this time because it gives the impression that I can be pressured into giving in, but I’d DEFINITELY be making sure that they get a chance to be a kid every now and then.
She’s only a kid once, and though she’s made some massively life-altering decisions it would be wrong to completely deny her the opportunity to be a teenager while she still has the chance.
50/50, you’re NTJ yet, but you could easily become the jerk.” NTCHBL
Also, she's willing to give her daughter up after a year? That worries me more than anything.
