People Think About Their Puzzling "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
17. AITJ For Letting My Sister Live With Me Thus Leaving Our Mom Alone?
“When I (29) was 6, my father threatened both my mother and me.
He constantly calls her a dunce and selfish when she doesn’t cook for him.
He insulted her mother (my grandmother) in front of the entire neighborhood and sulked whenever my gran came around. He has forced my mother to take out credit card loans (which he pays back for her) and now my mother suffers from high b***d pressure (often over 200 systolic) which he has admitted that he knows he is responsible for.
In fact, she is convinced that he leaves devices around the home in order to be able to listen while she is home alone.
We have discussed her leaving him and she has told me that she is approaching the end of her life and just wants companionship.
She has already spent 30 years with him and ‘no man will want a partially blind older woman who has two grown kids but no education’. Even if she does leave, she and my aunt both believe that he will try to stalk her or worse for ‘ruining his life’.
I don’t trust the police to keep her safe and I don’t blame her for not wanting to make that gamble – I wouldn’t myself.
My sister (17) has also had bad experiences with him. He has always told her that she is too stupid to be a doctor which is what she always wanted to be.
As she has gotten older he has made awful comments about her appearance that make her uncomfortable (apparently she is too skinny/too ugly so she ‘needs a good education as men won’t want her’). He refused to let her do athletics because of the ‘skimpy clothing’.
He tells her that her periods are not that bad (as his sister used to be fine on her period) and she is just curling up in bed with her hot water bottle for sympathy. He constantly compares her grades to mine.
He does not even let her choose what subjects she studies.
In summary, my sister does not want to live with him a moment longer than she has to, and as I have recently got my own place she has asked if she can come and live with me.
She has even put money from her part-time job into furnishing my place. I will never close my door to my sister and told her that she can live with me if that is what she chooses to do.
My mum has told me that the stress of trying to keep the family together is making her b***d pressure skyrocket.
She is terrified of being left home alone when she struggles to see and could collapse from high b***d pressure at any time. It feels like we are betraying her when it is finally our turn to support her.
When I told my little sister what my mother had said she responded with ‘What can I do? She chose to marry him, I never chose to have him as my father’.
Would I be the jerk for letting my sister come and live with me?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it really sounds like your dad is an abusive narcissist and your mom is an enabler. Good for you for taking your sister in so she can escape that very unhealthy situation. Your mom shouldn’t be using her high b***d pressure as a means to get people to do what she wants, that’s a bit manipulative, you are not betraying her.” shygazellepaw
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom chooses to stay in an unhealthy situation. That is a choice for her and her alone, and it is wrong for your mom to try to impose the consequences of her choice on her children.
That is, frankly, selfish.
Your sister does NOT have to choose to stay in that situation. She is not a jerk for leaving. You are not a jerk for giving her a place to go.
As a mother, I would want my child to leave for a better situation, not guilt them to stay with me because I am worried about the consequences of a choice I made for myself.” majesticgoatsparkles
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – this is a difficult situation but you are not at fault for providing your sister an opportunity to escape emotional mistreatment at your father’s hands. You shouldn’t feel guilty for escaping the situation either by moving out.
I would say try to spend time with your mom and your sister as much as possible out of the house, and hopefully, your mom will start to realize what an unhealthy living situation she is in.” Pretend_Exchange_369
16. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be Called "Dad" By My Ex's Child?
“I met a woman with a kid from another relationship, had a brief relationship where I got her pregnant, we break up a few months after the kid is born, now I visit regularly to see my kid.
We get on better as friends and have a reasonably healthy relationship, but throughout this time of visiting, it has come up on a few occasions about how her eldest son (6) wants me to be his Dad (his bio-dad isn’t in the picture).
I’ve always said that I don’t feel like a dad to him, but that I still care and will do my best to be a positive role model as much as she is willing to allow me, after all, she has the final say over how much ‘influence’ I have for her son.
Personally, I feel this is coming up more often from him due to him seeing what kind of relationship I have with my son (18 months) and he wants that too, which is understandable. His mum wants me to have him call me dad because she wants both her kids treated equally (read: exactly the same).
She’s using her past of having a mum with various partners at times treating her and her elder sister differently to inform how she wants her kids treated. She’s always pushed the label of Dad on me with him and has always made me feel like I’m the only one who is responsible for spending quality time with him.
My stance has always been that no 2 kids are always treated exactly the same, there will always be variations regardless of the parental situation, and that her eldest just wants something that someone else has (he’ll often do this with food, toys, etc.)
It does pull on the heartstrings to see a kid desperate for that affection, but I also can’t help how I feel, and that I’m not his dad.
So I put to you, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You don’t want him to call you dad, you aren’t his dad, and on top of that, you don’t seem to have the type of relationship with this child that would make it normal/appropriate/sensible for him to call you dad.
You just aren’t playing the role of ‘dad’ in this kid’s life. Having him call you dad could confuse him and give him unrealistic expectations for what type of relationship he will have/does have with you.” inheus88
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I feel for the kid, but what your ex is doing is making all of this worse.
You are NOT his dad, and by her insisting that you must take on both the role AND the name for her son, it’s just going to cause a bigger mess.
I would tell her – privately – that you care for her older son, but you are NOT his dad and you do not want to take on the name or the role for him. That you will (gently) correct him if he calls you Dad, and if it continues, you will mostly be spending time with your son alone.
Boundaries are needed here, and even though it seems mean to say, it’s better to enforce them now while both kids are still young than try to appease your ex with this only to have a really crappy situation to untangle when the kids are older.” hannahsflora
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have a responsibility to parent your child. The older child has a dad somewhere. It might be a good idea for her to contact him and see if he is willing to parent his son.
You are not in a relationship with the mother. It would not be right to expect you to be a father to her other son. It isn’t fair to the child to raise expectations. She needs to have a talk with her older son and explain that you are not his dad.
Why are you visiting and not having custody of your son on schedule? You need a shared custody agreement. Pick your child up to spend parenting time. When you visit it seems like you are visiting the family, not your son.
It could cause confusion for the older son.
It might be better if you limit your contact. Do child exchanges quickly, and do not socialize at these exchanges. Do not give false hope to the mother or the son. Don’t be manipulated or made to feel guilty.
Create boundaries and stick to them. You are not this woman’s partner so her scenario from her past doesn’t work.
I feel sorry for the little boy, but this is on mom. The only ones responsible for this child are the ones who created him.
People can choose to fill in a gap, but that is not up to the mom to force this on anyone.” ContentedRecluse
15. AITJ For Accusing My Sister Of Taking My Cat?
“I (24f) asked my sister Susan to housesit my house for 2 days and basically make sure my cats were fed. Long story short, Susan claimed my cat ran out the door under her feet and got hit. I grieved and was so depressed for a good week after, I’ve had my cat for 4 years.
The weird thing was though that my cat was usually scared of the outside.
Fast forward, I ask my sister if I can come by, and she makes up an excuse. She did this for 3 days. Finally, I show up unannounced and my niece lets me in, then excitedly asks me, ‘wanna see our new kitty?’ I say yes, and she shows me an exact identical cat to mine.
Definitely my cat. I call my cat by its name and she came running to me. The only difference between the cats was someone did a horrible job shaving this one’s face (it’s long-haired). My sister came in yelling that I couldn’t just walk into her house (even though I’ve done it a million and one times before.) I told her I wanted my cat back, and she denied it being mine.
I went home and did a lot of research and was looking into lawyers, and the evidence I needed. I then texted my sister today (I lied) and said I had a lawyer and I would be taking her to court for stealing my cat.
She sent me an angry text back about how if I took her to court I’d be a horrible sister and she has kids to think of and I don’t, and that my lovable cat made her want to get one blah blah blah the kids love their new cat.
I told her I didn’t care, she told me I was acting crazy over a cat and how she’ll never forgive me.
I’m not a delusional woman, the cat was IDENTICAL to mine, and came directly to its name.
I love the cat like it’s my child. My sister has done messed up things to me in the past, but I never thought she would do this. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
At worst, you are the victim of extreme coincidence.
Your sister should be able to clear this up swiftly, either by producing receipts or papers. If she rescued the cat herself, she should have taken it to the vet before letting her young child with it. There should be evidence to support her story.
But, you know what your cat looks like. An owner can distinguish between a cat and a cat that has similar features. If you are certain, then that’s that, you have no reason not to believe yourself, that you are not the victim of coincidence but more likely of theft.
Hopefully, your critter has been microchipped, or perhaps you have other vet records to lend more legitimacy to your claim.
Family doesn’t get a moral freebie.” SatisfactoryLoaf
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you likely won’t get the cat back even if you sue and win.
Cats are property. The most a court is likely to award you is the cash value of the cat. If it’s not an expensive breed, you’re likely to be awarded $100 or less, and she’ll still have the cat.
She stole your fur baby.
If I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t be worried about whether she might forgive me for taking my cat back. I would just take the cat and be done with it.” throw05282021
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
First of all, did you actually see his dead body?
Was he taken to a vet immediately after getting hit? Was his death reported, with proof to a vet or without proof?
If no to all the above and it was reported without proof, 99.99% chance that the cat is indeed yours.
It is VERY VERY rare for cats to be completely identical. Even mine, while an extremely common pattern/color has small defining spots between his nose and mouth, one of his legs, etc that’ll make identifying him extremely easy.
Also, I would discuss with a lawyer to write up a professional letter.
Also, talk with said lawyer if it’s possible to seek legal action IF she doesn’t return the cat.
Finally, drop contact with your sister. That cat is your family, what she has done is kidnapped someone important to you and wants to get away with it.
She has proven herself untrustworthy and MAKE SURE IT’S CHIPPED!” Key-Tie2214
14. WIBTJ If I Secretly Move Across The Country In The Middle Of The Night?
“I (20f) work in a warehouse making $20 per hour.
I live in a high cost of living and have a car payment. I live with my parents still because rent in my area is almost 2k for a 1-bedroom apartment. I can’t afford to move out and can’t even afford to have a roommate.
I pay rent $500 a month and my parents don’t care if I only have $200 a week for food gas and anything else I need they still want rent.
Recently I started picking up lots of overtime to try and get myself out of the debt I got myself into so I was not home a lot.
I paid my younger sibling weekly to take care of the dog that I own. The requirements were feeding him and letting him go potty. Apparently, this had not been done and my dad was forced to take over this job.
One night when I was out at dinner my father kicked my dog outside in the cold while he was still wet from a bath. We have no shelter or even beds outside. It is just a giant concrete pad.
I was told he is not allowed to come inside at all anymore no matter what. This was one of the major breaking points for me among many other things my dad has pulled.
I have supported myself since I was 17 for the most part.
I took care of myself, loaned him funds, and I have never borrowed from him. He recently threatened to kick me out for me leaving 2 items on the dining table for less than 20 min. He complained that I was not considerate of everyone in the house.
I am not here, I work, I only leave my room to cook food and I always clean all of my dishes afterward. I have turned into a glorified roommate. I can’t keep doing this same tango with him anymore, so I plan to go and live with a family member on the other side of the country.
I’m already trying to find a job. I am looking into remote work but don’t have much experience in anything other than customer service and I am trying to make a similar income to what I do know so I can pay my bills and get my own place where I live, but I am having trouble finding entry-level jobs.
I’m leaving in less than 2 months. I am leaving in the middle of the night without waking anyone hopefully. I fear that if they were to find out that I was leaving they would take any penny that I have to leave and keep it for themselves.
I don’t plan on having much contact with them if any after I leave. So AITJ for disappearing and not talking to them again?
Edit: My dog IS coming with me. I will never give him up as far as I can help it.
I know my timing for a pet is not ideal for some but I was under many different circumstances when I got him. I worked at a dog training center and he came with me to work every day. I had been there almost a year when I made the decision to get a dog and they had started training me to become a dog trainer.
2-3 months later I was fired for unknown reasons.
I have other bills as well as rent, I have never had an issue paying rent and I had offered to before. My main issue with rent is that he gave me less than a month’s notice and I had surgery and been in a car accident that took me out of work for 2-3 weeks.
It was a sudden expense on top of my not working.
I also have bad anxiety especially when it comes to money. So any sudden change to my budget and the way I budget sends me into a panic. I realize now that I am not as financially screwed as I thought but I also feel that I can’t afford to get paid much less.
I do have my own bank account but I worry if they found out they would try to charge me for various things, like rent. I don’t want the drama and I don’t want to involve the police because I don’t trust them.
As for me leaving in the middle of the night, it is my safest option. My dad is currently not working again due to health reasons. I know I might be a little bit of a jerk for not helping him in a ‘time of need’ but he did this to himself.
He put his body through a lot and is now having to accept the consequences. I don’t care that he has bills and isn’t working. While working he makes over 20K AFTER taxes a month. He also has funds in the bank from a recent investment sale, and he receives help from the government.
I want to leave sooner but I am trying to give myself the best chance of survival. My family that I am moving in with is willing to help me out with the money they have but I want to avoid that as much as possible.
I don’t intend to go over there and completely mooch off of them. I will pay rent and work to get set into my own place finally.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Make sure you collect and secure documents like your birth certificate and your Social Security card.
Open a bank account that only you can access (preferably at a national chain that’s different from the one your parents use). Get a pay-as-you-go phone, and create a new email account.
Do you have a local friend that can store important items you’ll want to take with you?
Start removing the small things from your house now, so the last day is basically the clothes on your back.
Leave a note, if only to make sure they don’t think you’ve been kidnapped.
You can do this.
Go live the life you deserve.” Shes_Crafty_4301
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ – If you haven’t already, set up your own finances they cannot access so they cannot try to drain your accounts. Make sure you know where all your important documents are, such as the title to your car, birth certificate, social security card, passport, etc. Use this time prior to the journey to make sure your car is good to go, can’t have a flat tire in the middle of nowhere and then realize your spare tire is dry-rotted and doesn’t hold air.
Look into getting a change of address now that way all relevant things don’t get lost in the transition, ‘Oh your insurance papers came and since you didn’t live here we threw them in the trash.’
Be sure any medication you might need is filled and the prescriptions are transferred to a local pharmacy.
Best of luck OP.” Sandtiger812
Another User Comments:
“Get your important documents, personal items, and the dog packed up, then leave and never look back.
Seriously, if you have someplace safe to go then you should go. If the people you’re living with are treating you poorly, you owe them no notice or explanation when you leave.
Just be smart and make sure you take everything with you that you want or need. Perhaps, if your relative is amenable to the idea, you can send some of your more precious items ahead of you to keep your packing light when you leave.
NTJ and good luck, I hope you and your dog make it to your relatives’ swiftly and without incident.” LarkspurSong
13. AITJ For Throwing Away A Cookie My Husband Intended To Eat?
“My husband’s mother baked cookies and gave us five more to take home. My son ate 2 of the 5, leaving 3 cookies left. My husband ate a lot at my MIL’s house before we left the same day.
Now I’ve been trying to lose the baby weight from our most recent baby and as such we have a rule. No sweets in the house. I have a binging problem and thus if we do want sweets we usually either make them from scratch or go out to get them when we want them and store them in designated areas in the house.
He’s free to store his snacks in his office/gaming area which isn’t even on the same floor. We have multiple spots for them that aren’t hard to reach, it’s just not sitting out in my face all day. I also told him earlier that I was trying not to eat many cookies that day because my progress was slowing down due to us eating out a lot.
I went out to shop for groceries because I wanted to meal plan, and my husband left the dishes for me to do when I got back. It was over an hour of grocery shopping and I was tired and hungry when I got back.
I started doing the dishes first and opened the cabinet that only stores our cups. And there are two cookies right there in front of me. I was mad because I had gone the entire day eating only one cookie, but the reasoning for not having sweets out in the open was clear at that moment because I ate one quickly and was about to start on the other.
But I decided to just throw it away because it was the only place of finality that meant I could not get it later and devour it.
My husband came up and I explained that he put the cookie in a terrible spot and I saw it and almost ate them both.
He said good thing I didn’t because he wanted the last one. And that’s when I said I threw it out. He thinks I’m a jerk for tossing it, I think he was a jerk for putting it in the dumbest location possible, knowing I was going to do the dishes and see it.
He literally just had to walk less than 5 steps over to the snack shelf and put it there.
So am I the jerk for throwing it away?
Edit: I know it’s food waste. Our house has lots of sweets and snacks.
In fact, I realized we still have chocolate chip cookies frozen in our freezer. No one is suffering from an inability to indulge themselves when they want to.
I think everyone deals with food in their own way. Mine was cemented in my head to be unhealthy at a young age so here I am.
Unable to control myself at times.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If the husband knows OP has a problem with binging (which is disordered eating behavior) then it’s also not hard for him to just move the cookie to his office/gaming area/snack shelf if he wanted the last cookie so badly.
As a person who also struggles with binging, I’d rather chuck one cookie in the bin to maintain self-control than eat it and trigger a binge. Binging is horrible and once a cycle begins it’s really hard to get out of.
It is literally one cookie. If you wanted a cookie so bad you’d hit the point of anger knowing someone threw it away to prevent a binge, that makes you a bit weird in my opinion.” Extension_Size8422
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You acknowledge you have an unhealthy relationship with food. You have honestly communicated this with your family. You have not banned others in your house from your triggers, but you’ve agreed on a system to help create distance between you and your addiction.
In this instance, your husband left it in plain sight. You were triggered. Your addiction was about to sabotage you, so you threw it in the bin. To be honest sounds responsible to me.
Let’s pretend OP was a heavy drinker.
Her family is aware and whilst liquor has not been banned from the house, the family has agreed to put the booze in specific locations to minimize the risk of triggering and relapsing. The husband puts the booze in plain sight.
OP feels her addictive urge to drink the booze… in that immediate urge to have it fueled by a very strong addiction, she quickly pours it down the drain rather than drink it. I can’t imagine anyone would blame her.
We’d applaud her. This is similar – she sounds like she has a food addiction and is doing everything she can to manage it. It’s not malicious, it’s taking control of her urge rather than being controlled by it.
Well done OP.
Keep up the good work. I hope you are also doing some work to address your unhealthy relationship with food.” mmohaje
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, sweetheart seek therapy as soon as possible, please.
Replace eating disorder with heavy drinking or any other addiction, her husband is a jerk for not offering solid support and keeping the sweets in his own designated areas.
Those saying she needs to ‘get a grip’ for Pete’s sake grow a heart.
If your partner won’t support you or compromise as she has asked, they are not a good fit.
If they think they shouldn’t offer the support they are not a good fit.
A partner chooses to be compassionate and willing to be there to support you, otherwise, they can choose someone that doesn’t need it or want it.
OP, I’d have a talk with your husband about his lack of thoughtfulness.
Even if it’s just this one time.
Because there’s no reason for him to get so aggravated over one cookie when he could’ve prevented it by keeping it in his area.” Willing-Round9851
12. WIBTJ If I Don't Want To Live With My Brother And Nephew?
“I (35F) am coming out of a 15-year relationship/marriage.
It’s been a rough year as my soon-to-be ex dragged this out as long as possible. I have been living with my dad, but I have finally been granted the ability to buy my own house.
This is mostly relevant because I was really looking forward to having my own space to do with as I wanted. Decorate, upgrade paint.
I have plans for the extra rooms (a workshop, most importantly).
My younger brother Nick (25M) wants to move in with me and bring his son/my nephew Z (5M). (Nephew would be part-time)
Mom is helping him with rent, but only if he lives in the rental that’s a few houses down from her.
She goes into his house to ‘tidy’ whenever she pleases, then scolds him about how dirty it is and complains to the rest of the family. (To be clear, his house is ‘lived in’ but not ‘disaster zone’ dirty).
Understandably, he decided that he couldn’t stay there now that he makes enough to remotely support himself.
(He was going through school and low-paying internship-level jobs before). What he can afford isn’t up to my mom and his existing standards for Z because Z would have to share a room with a 10-year-old (roommate to be a kid).
Nick put his notice at the rental by mom and planned on moving in with his New Roommate. But due to mom and Ex’s fussing he’s now scrambling for an alternative.
I suggested he move back in with dad. Dad lives in a 4-bedroom house.
It needs a lot of cleanup because dad’s house is a disaster zone dirty. Dad wouldn’t charge him rent (or he’d charge him and just save it to give back to him).
If he moved in with me, I would charge him rent and I would put it towards the mortgage.
But I don’t want him to move in with me. He has another option that, while not perfect, is completely workable.
WIBTJ if I say I want my new house to myself?
Update: After his latest message, I replied that I would prefer my own space but I would be happy to help clear out some of the garbage at dad’s.
I also reminded him that once I move out, the room I’m in (larger with an en suite) will be available. He hasn’t responded yet.
Update 2: He’s replied that it’s a crappy alternative and not a good place for them then asked when I’d have all my stuff out by.”
Another User Comments:
“Sorry to hear what you’re going through, and definitely NTJ. You’re going through something pretty awful and most people would want space to re-learn who they are and what they want in life.
Your brother and nephew living with you wouldn’t let you just be you, you’d basically become a sitter/landlord and have to deal with all that comes with that title.
As long as you’re nice and concise about what you want and NEED, YWNBTJ. Your brother has plenty of options, just doesn’t want to look at them. His fault, not yours.” Wayward_Wallaby
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You can be kind, but firm.
You’re not looking for a long-term roommate situation and he is.
If it was a thing where he needs a couple of weeks for something he has lined up to be available, I would’ve maybe considered it.
You didn’t buy a house for him to be your roommate.
You bought one for your autonomy and he’s too entitled to think he has a right to move with you because the other options don’t appeal to him.
Your brother and nephew have options. Your brother just wants what he thinks will be easier for him.
Please say no.” Fire_or_water_kai
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – he has several choices of which you do not need to be one.
There are small (and not so small) pleasures in living alone if only for a while.
Like not sharing a bathroom – I remember desperately queueing and waiting for it to become free! And being able to put something down and come back to it still there – no one’s moved it. Or deciding to run the washing machine late evening without someone complaining about the noise but still expecting clean clothes to magically appear!
Or playing music, eating toast in bed without complaints about crumbs, changing my mind 15 times about a paint color, or picking a plant for the garden, etc etc.
This is your time. It may only last for months, or years, but this is your chance to discover your likes and dislikes, preferences, must-haves, and what makes you happy vs stressed. It’s a time to heal from your past relationship.
No matter what/who subsequently comes along, this is a valuable opportunity to grow and become comfortable with who you are now before you move on to new relationships/jobs, etc.” dragonsfriend-9271
11. AITJ For Taking A Job Despite My Husband's Disapproval?
“I (25F) have been married to my husband (27M) for 2 years.
When we first got married, we moved to a different city for his job (in tech – he’s a software engineer). In our new city, I quickly found an entry-level job in the field I thought I wanted to work in (publishing).
However, I hated it – hated the office politics, and long hours with relatively low pay, and found the work monotonous. I stuck it out for a year and a half to avoid being a job-hopper and to see if I could make it work but then started applying to a variety of other jobs after nothing improved.
I had a few interviews but wasn’t getting too far in the processes until recently when I interviewed for an executive assistant job. The job seemed to be a great fit at every step – I really clicked with the executive I would be supporting, and liked everything about the company (which is stable and growing with no sign of layoffs like a lot of companies are going through right now).
The pay is great too – 50% more than my current job (would be going to 75K from 50K) with better benefits (more vacation, more robust insurance with lower cost). The new job would also be strictly 40 hours a week (with occasional paid overtime) as opposed to my current publishing job which often requires 10+ hour days and doesn’t pay overtime.
When I discussed this with my husband, he told me flat-out that although it’s my career, he disagrees strongly with this move. He says that I’m going to get permanently stuck in the ‘secretarial pool’ and that it’s not really a professional job that’s appropriate for our life plan, and that he’s going to be embarrassed by me and will think less of me.
(The job is to serve as the assistant to the CEO/owner of a marketing/advertising agency, which is also a field I am very interested in learning more about – I mean I suppose you could debate the ethics of marketing/advertising, but it’s not like it’s doing something illegal or for a company/exec with a horrible reputation.
There is also definitely a path forward as the CEO said that those who do well in the assistant role for a year or two will have opportunities for promotion to account coordination/management roles.)
I told him I was sorry to disappoint him, but I’m really miserable in my current job and need to make a change and this is the best offer I have.
Plus, I’m going to make more money for fewer hours so I’m not taking anything away from him or our household. So I accepted it and now he says I am a jerk and is barely speaking to me.
Anyway, AITJ for taking a job that my husband finds inappropriate and embarrassing?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and your husband is flat-out wrong. I have hired qualified executive assistants as PMs in software on a regular basis, and they also filter up into HR & marketing roles. I also know exec assistants that make ~300k/year.
It’s far from a dead-end career trajectory.
I think you need to spend a moment thinking about whether you want to be with a man that says he’s embarrassed to be married to you if you take a job that makes 25k/year more than you currently make.
That’s a serious, serious problem.
His love and care for you seem to be entirely contingent on how ‘impressive’ you are, and to me, that isn’t love at all.” imothro
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Husband may not understand that executive assistants are NOT ‘secretaries’.
They wield the authority of whomever they assist in their absence. They are very highly regarded and the salary range for an excellent executive assistant can be well into the 6-figure range.
Further, whether you as his wife are someone he is embarrassed with should not hinge on your job title, but how you apply yourself, develop your skills, and make good decisions as a person… whether that’s in your career, with your friends, or in your relationship with your husband.
It is a jerk move on his part to assign a correlation of your value to him to a job title – one which he doesn’t even understand.” whtbrd
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your husband is though.
When someone criticizes not the pros/cons for the person but what it means to them, RED ALARMING BELLS GOING OFF NONSTOP.
It’s narcissistic behavior, focus on them & how it affects their perceived image of them. You didn’t select the job for your husband. If you had done that, your husband would have divorced or ignored you. Roles reversed & he’s upset you didn’t do what he told you to do.
He’s going off and jumping to conclusions. Some people do decide to stay put in roles they love or are practical & feasible for them (benefits, hours, location, positive dynamics of the company, etc.). It doesn’t mean all get stuck.
Also, the ignorance from him is amazing. Budget analysts do NOT have the same role & title from company to company & industry. Executive, administrative & secretarial are the same. No 2 titles have the same descriptions & responsibilities. It could be managing the CEO’s entire secretarial staff, directors, or resources needed like a general contractor.
Many have 1 while others have several to handle round-the-clock coverage for global accounts. They can earn up to 6 figures. Administrative could be similar in nature to doing analysis doing specific unique reports.
Frankly, I met 3 women who were executive assistants to their bosses who were CEOs.
The CEOs trusted them they gave them more & more demanding work. In one situation, CEO owned an investment boutique & had her go through financial certification could buy sell stock, etc. then became VP. The other woman took on more of a role after the CEO had a heart attack, and made her president while he became COB.
The last woman became an executive assistant to a CEO of a telecommunications company managing various accounts. She came into her role through a friend of friends. Why unusual? She was a former mounted county police officer!
He’s jealous, selfish & controlling.
She’s not foolishly putting $ down on an MLM, working excessive OT for little pay, getting bullied, or even harassed. She can always quit if it’s not to her liking.
People grow & develop there’s no fixed rock or glacier to assume stays in place.
Your relationship should ebb & flex. He’s not flexing or allowing you to do anything different. That’s putting unnecessary tension on you.
Suggestion: review your relationship in the present, not the past.
What is he bringing to the relationship? Financial?
(Yes?) and/or Emotional? NO! There’s no empowerment or support. Who’s doing more of the criticism, you or him? Who expects things to go their way? How much effort are you both putting into this? 100% 50/50 or 70/30? 120% 80/40 or 100/20? Do both now share the same goals/objectives?
Do you trust him to stick with the plan or change as gets more promotions & money?” 501Venus
10. AITJ For Not Wanting My Wife To Go On Vacation?
“My wife and I have been having some marital difficulties of late. Part of this stems from my work travel schedule, and the demands of my job, and has resulted in us going to therapy. That hasn’t worked out because our therapist was… less than competent.
He actually made things infinitely worse by creating communication issues for a week by telling my wife not to respond if I contacted her while I was traveling and that he would message me that he would talk to me solo the next week… except he never did.
So I was texting my wife for a week with no response, and she thought he had asked me not to, so she thought I was messing with her.
So this week, when I returned home from travel, my wife was noncommunicative the first day or so.
We talked a bit the next night, sorted out the above issue (after which I fired the therapist) and she divulged under duress that she was planning to see other people. There was a lot more to the discussion, but given that, she talked about spending the rest of the week at friends’ houses.
I mentioned that I would need the car to go on what was our planned ski trip, indicating I would be going alone.
The following morning, she said she was thinking about just staying that night at a friend’s and coming back the next.
So I was optimistic that maybe we would work things out. Then she talked about going to visit her sister and using a friend’s car to do that. The ski trip and her sister’s house are in the same general direction, both several hours’ drive.
So, being an optimist, I said maybe she could just drop me off. She says something about ‘not being able to go on her dream vacation.’ Immediately, I got a funny vibe, but I let it go.
Well, tonight she calls after work, and has decided to spend both tonight and tomorrow at friends’, and then all day Friday doing personal stuff, and then come home to pack for the trip Saturday.
Clearly when she says ‘the trip’, she means skiing. She says that she’ll drop me off, go to her sister’s, and then maybe come up for a few days. I didn’t respond at all on the call so as not to fly off the handle.
After we hung up, I texted her that I did not want to spend all that time in a car with someone who clearly did not want to be around me, just for the sake of convenience, and that I would rent a car and she could take ours.
And that if she wanted to ski, I would send her the email with the pre-paid pass info. Without being explicit, I was implying that she would not be welcome to stay in the room. I wrote that I felt I was being used for the trip (that I paid for 100% and would cancel were I able to at this point) and that she would clearly rather be with anyone but me.
Am I the jerk for telling my wife not to come on our planned vacation?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’re picking up what she is putting down. She doesn’t get to cherry-pick. Either she is committed to your marriage, and the work required to repair it, or she’s not.
She can go see other people like she planned and you can ski like you planned.” Hapnhopeless
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. It sounds like you both have very poor communication skills when it comes to your relationship. My fiancée travels for work and while it is challenging we make sure communication and honesty are our top priorities.
It sounds like you are both playing a game and more concerned about who has the upper hand than actually communicating honestly and openly. If you really want things to work out between you 2 you could have taken the long car ride as an opportunity to fully talk through things.
You could have used the trip as an opportunity to reignite a spark and remind each other why you got married in the first place. Multiple times in your story you use words like indicate or imply, why not just be upfront and honest with what you are thinking instead of beating around the bush?
If it is more important to not risk feeling ‘used’ than it is to try to save the marriage and be a bit more vulnerable with your feelings then I don’t think this relationship will work.” The_ADD_PM
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
But either talk or call it quits.
Your therapist made things worse. Your wife saying she wants to see other people made things worse. Talk about it and make some sound decisions. This tit-for-tat and up-in-the-air stuff is no good for anyone.” LetsGetsThisPartyOn
Another User Comments:
“I mean, you mention that the problems started (in part) because of your work and your traveling taking you away from her, and now you’re telling her you want a vacation without her…
I get that the therapist messed things up more and put stuff in her head, and they should be reported. I also get that she mentioned wanting to see other people, though, from everything else mentioned, I can see how she got there.
Honestly, though, if you want this marriage to work, you both need to communicate and actually spend time together.
I’m going with ‘everyone sucks here’, but more you and the therapist than her since it doesn’t seem like she has actually done anything wrong.
She didn’t have an affair, she just communicated how she felt, and if she wants to see friends and family, it’s probably because the whole situation is making her feel crazy.” Queen_Sized_Beauty
9. AITJ For Screaming At My Impatient Husband?
“I (F53) am married to H (M62). We have three children, (M26), (M23), and (F21). Our oldest, Lee, lives at home with us as he is on the spectrum and cannot live on his own.
Our other children are both employed and live on their own although we are still very close to them, or at least I am.
The problem is my husband has no patience with our oldest son Lee. He does function as far as personal needs and I’ve taught him to cook.
He works part-time and has a program he attends a few days a week so he has some socialization. Lee is typically busy with his own interests and although I make it a point to play board games or chat with him or listen to the music he creates, he does enjoy his alone time.
Now, he has a special interest in the weather and as he constantly worries about snow and ice, he watches the weather channel religiously, as does his father. He does tend to ask a lot of questions about what the forecast is, what’s said on the channel, etc. His dad just has no patience for this and ends up screaming at him after the first few questions.
I do all I can to diffuse the situation but my husband ends up screaming at me and then I’m the bad guy for the rest of the day. Today was no different, Lee started asking questions, my husband started screaming and I just laid into my husband and told him to shut up and grow up.
Of course, now I’m at fault, being screamed at, etc.
Am I the jerk for telling my husband to just stop?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – you and your husband. The yelling was a problem, not the motive or intention.
I’m sure it’s really hard for both of you to find you’ll be caretakers essentially forever when child-rearing years are temporary for most and they can have a different type of life and marriage once the kids are grown.
You and your husband need to work something out so this unhealthy pattern of dad going off and mom coming to the rescue can end. Maybe you can consult with any autism resources still available to you since your son finished his education or even a few sessions with a therapist with experience in autism to help you come up with better plans.
Your husband and son potentially share a hobby (your son’s special interest). Even something as simple as your husband saying he needs a break from discussing the weather for the next hour, setting a timer, and giving your son the next five minutes to go over weather issues.
People on the spectrum are typically pretty good with rules and routines, so inventing new ones that will satisfy both and keep hubby from berating your son essentially for his special interest would be worthwhile.” Zorkanian
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, but you suck less.
Screaming is never an effective communication. I understand your husband is frustrated, but screaming at someone who can’t really help it if he asks too many questions is the wrong way to deal with it. Can they watch different TVs?
The responsibility is on your husband to act like a mature fully functional adult. Unless your husband is also neurodivergent and has similar issues?
Regardless, this can’t keep going on.” tatersprout
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here except for Lee.
I’m sure there’s a way the two of you can teach your son when he’s asking too many questions that don’t involve yelling. It can get annoying when your kids won’t stop asking questions. I can imagine it’s pretty annoying for the same weather questions to be asked every day for years.
That doesn’t mean he should be yelled at.
That also doesn’t mean you should start yelling at your husband. When I can tell my husband is getting frustrated I step in to help him and he does the same for me.
Yelling at your husband doesn’t make the situation any better. In your husband’s defense, I’d be pretty upset if my husband knew my son was getting on my nerves and instead of talking to our son to help me started yelling at me.” throw_away_800
8. AITJ For Saying That Being A Stay-At-Home Dad Is A Cakewalk?
“When my wife and I decided to start a family she expressed she wanted to be a stay-at-home mom so we made a plan and set everything up so that she could stay home during the early years. We had our first kid but she didn’t do too well being a stay-at-home mom and had a hard time with it.
We still wanted our kids to have a parent at home with them so we swapped out since her salary was close to mine. Two kids later I’m still the stay-at-home dad working reduced hours remotely. For me personally, it’s easier than any job I’ve had in the past, even the manual labor one but I recognize that that’s just my personal experience.
We’ve touched base on the issue a few times to make sure there’s no resentment, guilt, or discomfort on either of our parts.
One of her friends from her work invited us and other couples over for dinner. While there, the other couples were talking about childcare in general and some of the women started sharing their experiences of when they were home.
My wife was talking about how she had disliked it and mentioned our arrangement when one of the women said to me: ‘Oh I know you’re just itching to get back to having it easy.’
I responded that I already have it easy and that for me, being a stay-at-home dad was a cakewalk compared to my office job.
I didn’t see the point in agreeing with something that just isn’t true for me. On the way home my wife asked why couldn’t I have just agreed with the question and played along. I asked her if she felt bad or guilty that she had a hard time with it and she said no, so I told her to just forget about it then because there’s no reason for me to lie to make a bunch of other people feel better so long as it’s fine between us.
When she got home from work yesterday she had some attitude asking me if I had ‘another easy peasy day’ and telling me how all day she had to hear from her friends what a smug jerk I was for making light of their experiences by saying it was a cakewalk.
I get that for a lot of people it’s hard but I don’t see why I should have to lie about it or fluff someone’s ego for not feeling the same way.
AITJ?
Additional info: The scheduling, making appointments, taking kids where they need to be, grocery list, school stuff, making sure payments for bills came out, vehicle maintenance, organizing our date nights, finding babysitters, figuring out what needs to be done – falls on me.
She keeps track of dates important to her family, I keep track of dates important to us and my side of the family. I am very detail-oriented, I’ve done all of that throughout our relationship. We do grocery shopping together on the weekend.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are happy being a stay-at-home dad. Great! What that woman said about going back to work outside of the home being ‘easy’ is insulting to you, to your way of life, and to stay-at-home dads in general. It’s built on the idea that fathers find it difficult to take care of their children and prefer to leave these tasks to their wives.
This woman needs to think seriously about how she considers fathers and taking care of children.
However, your wife’s reaction is weird. You say you communicate about the equilibrium of your way of life, but is it possible she’s suffering pressure at work about going back to work instead of taking care of her children?” Booky_Cat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
We (men and women) all deal with things differently.
Let’s call it what it is, I’d pick taking care of my kid every day over manual labor (e.g., car mechanic, construction worker, etc.) 100% of the time.
I’m good at it, but if I had to choose between that and being a stay-at-home father, I’d be a stay-at-home father.
I happily choose to be peed or pooped on over a job where I am basically in a dangerous/life-threatening situation for half of my day.
I can clean up poop and pee quickly, but I can’t regrow a broken leg in an hour. Don’t even get me started on the back and joint pain that I’ll have for the rest of my life or working outside when it’s 100 or 30 degrees out.
No offense to anyone out there, this is just my personal opinion. Raising kids is hard, but it’s not the hardest job out there. I agree that it’s a cakewalk compared to my job.
Also, good for you man!
Enjoy them while you can. Sooner or later they’re gonna grow up and the opportunity to spend time with them will be gone. I don’t see the need to beat around the bush about how you feel. People don’t have to like it nor will they share the same exact experience.
It’s just what it is. And it’s okay.” frb936
Another User Comments:
“NTJ with a gentle ‘maybe it would have been more socially acceptable to read the room and not go so far’ vibe. I think you’re right, there’s absolutely no reason to outright lie to people and say that it’s difficult and you’re dying to get back to working a full-time office job for example.
Obviously, we’re all Monday morning quarterbacking here, but replying something like ‘actually, I really enjoy my role as a stay-at-home parent, and find that for me it’s much less stressful than any job I’ve had previously’ would have been received a bit better.
I think it may have been the ‘I already have it easy’ that set some of the coworkers off.
Either way, I think they need to calm down. Being a stay-at-home parent isn’t for everyone, just like being (insert literally any job or career or life choice here) isn’t for everyone.
In case it matters: I’m a woman who always dreamed of staying at home with my kids until they were in school, I lasted about 5 weeks on mat leave with my first before I was itching to get back to work.
My sister is a woman who never wanted to stay at home with her kids, but finances worked out that it made sense for her to do that, and now 13 years later I swear to you she would describe being a stay-at-home mom as a cakewalk for her.” NerdyNewt10
7. AITJ For Not Wanting My Brother To Change His Name To "Finn"?
“My brother is 14 and he came out this year.
I’ve always tried to be as supportive as I can, especially since our parents are really transphobic. I bought him a binder and a flag, I also yelled at our parents multiple times for stuff they’ve said to our family members about him.
Now on to the problem, I’m 26 and I have a 4-year-old I named Finley, he’s always loved my brother and I got my brother to explain to him what being trans was and he was great with it. My brother has been in between names for about 4 months, so since he came out to me he changed his name almost every week, this week he had messaged me saying he’s found a name he really likes and says he thinks it would stick.
When I tell you my mouth dropped, he messaged me that he was gonna call himself Finn. I didn’t get mad or anything so I messaged back ‘but Finley?’ Trying to point it out without sounding harsh but he messaged back ‘but it’s a completely different name, I don’t go by Finley I go by Finn, and Finley never gets called Finn’.
I honestly just got really uncomfortable and tried to tell him how much it was gonna confuse people including my son whose best friends always call him Finn, it’s only family who don’t. I’ve tried to reason with him but he won’t budge so we haven’t talked in 2 days and I’m kinda waiting till he announces he’s changed it again.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Just be patient with your brother. Being trans is hard. He might be trying to belong by picking a family-ish name.
Be patient and be there and have an open discussion, brother to brother, about why you feel weird about it.
You texted, but in this case, I recommend taking him out with you somewhere and talking about it.
YWBTJ if you make this a negative issue, YWNBTJ if you provide a kindhearted and considerate space to talk about it with your lil bro.
Also, he is 14. Lots of trans people go through several names before something sounds right.
Thinking that it’s only about attention is a really transphobic idea and it’ll be bad if you say that to your brother.
Just be there and talk through it patiently.
You’re a good big bro! Just keep it up in this awkward scenario.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As a trans guy, this is really weird of your brother to do. I would never imagine choosing a name that’s basically the same as a close relative’s.
I really liked a certain name, but it was the same name as my cousin who died, so I obviously didn’t use it because that’s super disrespectful – even if my cousin hadn’t been dead. It’s blatant disrespect to choose a name so close to a relative’s name.
There are so many names out there your brother could go with, so why pick one of the very few names that are going to make the whole situation uncomfortable?” SectionWeary
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Maybe this isn’t a thing in your family, but there are lots of families out there that have multiple members with the same or similar names.
In mine, multiple men are named Tom (even more have it as a middle name). My dad has three aunts with the same name, and my sister’s name is a variant of that name. My grandmother and I even have the same full name!
I can understand being taken aback by this at first, but truthfully, I don’t think having an uncle with the same name as him is going to affect your son as badly as you think. He will probably go to school with or work with someone who shares his name at some point, and it won’t be a huge deal. Having two people with the same name isn’t that confusing once you get used to it.
Also, based on what you’ve said, you have no reason to assume that your brother is trying to ‘steal’ your kid’s name. A lot of the trans people I know put a fair amount of thought into picking their names, so it’s quite possible that ‘Finn’ has real significance for him.
It might be worth reaching out to your brother to apologize and ask him why he picked the name he did. Even if ‘Finn’ doesn’t stick, he will remember the time he told you about a chosen name and you didn’t react well.” YourLocalBi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, when people have the same name in a family it is usually to honor that family member. The name isn’t chosen because it’s common or cool. I’m sure you put a lot of thought into your son’s name and it probably feels like your brother is scrolling through to see what fits best without giving it much thought.
If he is that fickle about his name, I can only imagine the roller coaster of gender identity. I would sit on this topic a bit. Your son would call him ‘Uncle’ anyway, so there isn’t confusion within your immediate family.
Maybe there is ‘Big Finn’ and ‘Little Finn.’
Having teens myself and teaching teens and young adults, I’ve seen several transitions socially, several try it out superficially because their peer group is doing it, a few decide it’s not for them after experimenting, a few begin hormones, and a few decide they prefer to be non-binary even after declaring a gender socially.
I see this flip-flopping all the way through college as they are still understanding themselves. Give him space.
My guess is that by the time your brother decides to make his new name concrete and change it legally, it will be a non-issue for you.
If he changes his name again later, you will be glad you didn’t make a bigger fuss. If he is doing this for attention, it’s still better to wait and not give it negative attention.
No matter what he needs therapy to deal with what is going on with your parents, and he may find on his own that a completely different name is best for him.
Also, I don’t think him choosing the same name is weird, but I get where OP is coming from and why it feels weird for OP.” Blessherheart0405
6. AITJ For Recommending A Skin Treatment For My Friend?
“I (23F) have suffered from severe hyperpigmentation my entire life. I’m a woman of color so after things like an acne flare-up or a sunburn, I’m left with severe dark spots/pigmentation for months.
About six months ago I decided I was fed up and began looking up more intensive treatments to tackle the issue. I found a treatment that was pharmacy medicine (meaning you need to go into the pharmacy and ask for it first).
It worked wonders.
My skin is a lot more even and smoother because the cream also exfoliates the skin too.
The issue arose when my friend, 23F, asked what I used and I told her. She is also a woman of color and is a lot darker than I am and suffers from the same level of hyperpigmentation.
Well, she went in and got it and I heard nothing but good things about the product and the difference it made on her skin. Then after three months, radio silence. I assume that maybe she stopped speaking about it because the treatment worked and she decided she didn’t need it anymore.
I was wrong.
She called me the other night and confronted me about being a colorist and bleaching her skin. She said that what I gave her was essentially a skin-bleaching cream (the key ingredient is hydroquinone which is found in a lot of skin-lightening creams).
That her skin had gotten lighter and how I planned it. That it was so hard for her to come and love her dark skin and I ruined everything.
And whilst I agreed that the ingredient is often used in illegal skin bleaching creams, this one is a pharmacy medicine and is a safe formula.
And on top of that, it is only supposed to be dabbed on the hyperpigmentation spots, not rubbed into the entire face. She told me that I misled her by not informing her about the ingredients and the instructions but I didn’t think that it was my job to tell her to do her research and look at the leaflet about how to apply the cream.
I asked a couple of mutual friends and they seem divided. They said that as I have medical training (I’m a recently graduated pharmacist), I should have told her and warned her about the cream. But in terms of what the pharmacy did when they asked me about the cream (Is this for you?
Is the problem hyperpigmentation? Okay, use for no longer than this amount of time.) I said all that to her. Others are saying that she should have done her due diligence.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It was your friend’s responsibility to know what she was putting on her face.
Since you are a new pharmacist, don’t give friends and family recommendations that could be considered ‘medical advice.’ That can cost you your license. Keep your findings to yourself and suggest that they consult a medical professional.
Cross your fingers that she doesn’t file a complaint against you.
Good luck.” QuinGood
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your friend ASKED & you answered. People need to do their OWN homework regarding things they put in & on their bodies. This sounds like a prescription medication – if your pharmacist gave you the low down then I’m guessing the pharmacist she got the cream from would do the same – basically, the instructions were provided to her and she didn’t bother to read/pay attention.
You weren’t sneaking in and rubbing it on her entire face when she slept.
I get where you feel conflicted – you sound like a nice person, a friend asked & you recommended this product, and now she’s got a problem but it was HER misuse of it that caused this.
Yes, you’re a pharmacist – but you were talking to this friend as a friend – NOT in a professional setting, even with that you told her what&how you used it.
This is like if a friend asked what you took for headaches, you told them you take 2 X as needed. Your friend buys X and unbeknownst to you ends up taking 10X a day for 4 months then yells at you because she’s got an ulcer.
It’s perfectly reasonable to feel bad about this situation but YOU are not a jerk for anything you did.” CarrieCat62
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your friend is deflecting because she has mixed feelings and a lot of shame attached to her skin color.
As you know colorism is real and very painful for many people. But you shared a product that you said would help with hyperpigmentation in discrete areas and she apparently misused the product. It’s unclear from your post whether you told her about it/how much but frankly, you’re not her doctor or her pharmacist both of whom are tasked with explaining the medication and any side effects.
Not you. Not your responsibility. Whether they actually did talk to her and she simply didn’t listen is another open question.
NTJ.” Dimension597
5. AITJ For Changing My Mind About Letting My Child Stay With My Mom?
“I (34m) agreed a month ago to let my son (8m) spend four weeks with my mother (58f) in South Carolina this summer.
My son and I visited my mother recently. My mom lives 4 hours away. It’s a different state, so not close, but not too far. Although I grew up religious (Evangelical Christian) I am no longer. I’m open about that fact with my family.
My son is exploring the idea of religion, which is fine by me because I know it can bring comfort. My mother is very religious. She’s had a rough life (much of her own making) and clings to religion like a lifeboat.
During our visit, my mom invited my kid to church. Son said yes and I said ok. When my son came back I asked him what he learned in church that morning. My son said he learned he needed to protect himself ‘from the evil people in the world’.
My mother clarified that the sermon was on guarding against doubt. I then asked my son ‘who are the evil people?’ And then he said, ‘Evil people are people who don’t believe.’
Well, my mom was quick to jump in to say ‘Wait, no no. That’s not what they said.’ I don’t know, but it was clear that’s the message he received. I didn’t say anything at the time because I didn’t know what to say, but I was not happy thinking my kid was being taught that I and people like me are evil for not being Christian.
A few days later I decided to rescind my approval to let my son spend a month with my mom this summer. I think it would be wrong of me to tell my mother she can’t go to church while looking after my kid.
She would either have to skip church for that whole month or leave my kid alone at her house for two or three hours each Sunday. My mother also has a track record of asking for forgiveness rather than approval and not telling me things.
She pretends I didn’t say anything, she didn’t understand, or that she forgot, or if those excuses don’t work, says ‘it’s not a big deal.’ So I think she would take my kid to church even if I said no to it.
I also justified my decision to rescind based on my mom’s partner. She’s broken up with him multiple times now because of his anger issues. But she keeps going back to him. I don’t want my kid around him without me.
My mom won’t stand up for herself around him. I know because my dad and stepdad were the same way and my mom’s choices exposed me to a childhood filled with emotional mistreatment. I don’t want that for my son.
Anyway, now my kid is sad. My mother is telling me I made her cry, I’m taking away her grandkid, and she can’t understand how I would do this to her. Basically, she’s calling me the jerk. AITJ?
Note: My mom is welcome to stay at my house this summer.
She’s welcome any time.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Sometimes making the right decision makes other people sad or even angry. And that is ok.
Letting your kid explore religion is great, but to be fully emersed in an evangelical religion for a month at 8yo is not a learning experience.
Learning experiences leave room for objective discussions, and that is not something he will get being with your mom full-time without you.
Your mother has a track record of staying in unhealthy relationships regardless of the impact on her or the children in her life.
She can choose to expose herself to that trauma, but you get to decide whether your son is exposed to it.
You messed up by saying yes in the first place. This was clearly never a good idea. But it is better that your son and mom are sad and feel like you went back on your word than to risk the potential harm to your son.” Forward_Squirrel8879
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I find your mom’s partner to be the biggest issue here, not the religious stuff. An unpredictable man and a woman without a spine around a child is a volatile mix. I’d make him the focus of the issue for now because he negatively affects your mother and will negatively affect your child if he isn’t walled out.
If you make the issue religion, she can just revert to the ‘oppressed Christian bullied for wanting to spread the Word’. But if you focus on your mom’s partner and the issues he presents, she’s gonna be forced to correct the situation or end up a distant voice on the phone to your child.
As a mother, she cannot belie you the fact that your child’s safety is the most important thing in the Universe, and if you don’t feel your child is safe in a home where a negative influence is allowed to come and go as he pleases then it’s not gonna happen.” DeaditeQueen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I’m all for letting son go to church and be a Christian if he wants, but if he somehow translates the sermon of guarding against doubt as all people that don’t believe in the religion that he has chosen to follow as ‘evil’ then perhaps he is not quite ready for follow the religion just yet least he ends up with radical ideas of what ‘faith’ truly is, especially if your mother has done nothing to correct his ‘misunderstanding’ about the purpose of the sermon until you asked him that question.
After all freely given faith and blind ‘faith’ are 2 different things and the last thing you need is for your son to one day leave you because you’re a ‘demon’ to ‘corrupt’ and make him ‘turn his back’ on the Christian religion.
Your mother inviting an awful man into a house and putting your 8-year-old child at risk is another viable reason to not let him stay a month in your mother’s care!
Although perhaps you should explain to your son and assure him that being religious is not wrong but treating people as ‘sinners’ for not following a religion is bad, everyone has a choice regardless of whether they wish to be religious or non-religious and both must be respected for their choices.
Be very clear to mark out that you’re not forbidding him from being religious if that’s what he wants in the future, but that just because someone doesn’t follow the same religion as everyone else doesn’t mean that they are ‘evil.'” Silent-Special-1869
4. AITJ For Tossing The Previous Owner's Furniture That Got Mailed Here By Mistake?
“My partner and I bought our first home from an elderly couple in January of 2022.
Initially, I kept in contact with one of them (let’s call her Barb) in the event that we might receive some of their mail or something. Contact was very occasional and was always something along the lines of asking if I received a package of hers or that she wanted to mail us a key that she found that went to the lock on our shed.
Months after we moved in, around early October, we received some dining chairs in a box addressed to Barb. A day or two later, a repeat of the exact same shipment arrived. I attempted to contact Barb but my calls would not go through.
A few weeks later, I came home from work and my partner (who frequently gets home before me) told me that he was starting to feel guilty about the situation and asked me to follow him to our garage. Apparently, packages containing furniture and decor had been coming regularly for weeks and we now had a garage full of boxes that were not addressed to us.
My partner had been storing the boxes and assuming the shipments would stop, but they continued.
We doubled down and tried harder to contact Barb with the help of other neighbors. We finally got in touch with her and she explained that she had lost her phone and that was why I was unable to contact her for some time.
I explained the situation to her, and she gave me permission to open some of the items so I could describe them to her. She then told me that she had not ordered any of the items.
It turns out that, prior to moving, Barb had a friend of hers help her order furniture for her new home as she can’t see well and was having trouble navigating the furniture website.
This friend used her own computer to order Barb’s things as a favor. I immediately became concerned that Barb was being robbed, and I urged her to contact her bank first and then her friend second.
Barb let me know days later that the charges were not fraudulent, it was a simple case of forgetting to change the shipping address, and the friend wanted to set up a time to come pick up her furniture from me.
I explained that I and my partner work a lot and I wanted to set up a time when I wouldn’t be home alone. I don’t know this person and I couldn’t lift half of the furniture by myself to move it anyway.
I began receiving calls from Barb and her friend day and night asking me to find the time to let them collect the items. After a few weeks, my partner and I finally had a weekend off together. I messaged both Barb and her friend with a day and time and received no reply from either person.
By the first of the year, still nothing. I began receiving calls again at the end of January after we had already gotten rid of most of the items since we had not heard back. I have not been answering the calls.
It has been over a year since we have lived here, and several months since we received the furniture. Am I the jerk here?
Edit: I was not home when any of the items were delivered, I work long hours.
I waited 3 months prior to getting rid of the stuff with no contact from Barb or her non-elderly friend. I did not have an address for either individual. The much younger friend is the actual owner and orderer of the items, not the elderly woman.
She failed to change the shipping address after ordering items of her own months after she helped Barb order furniture. The elderly woman was not out any money because of this, but her friend is and I understand that makes me a jerk.
Additionally, I did not sell any of the items. I gave some away and threw away others. Last, Barb is the one who has called me twice this month, I have not heard anything from the friend who is the actual owner of the items.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, do you not know anyone besides your partner, someone who could have come and been present when this poor elderly woman came to collect?
You worry about being unprofessional toward jobs, yet you treated this woman like trash.
Yes her friend made a mistake that caused a physically large inconvenience for you, but you sat on your hands while she tried, desperately it sounds, to work with you, and then you LITERALLY GOT RID OF HER BELONGINGS when she didn’t snap to immediately.
The gall.” tdtwwwa
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Without knowing exactly when the packages started arriving, I would say that you’ve had them on your property for 4-5 months. 4-5 months of free storage when storage rates (in my area at least) are not cheap.
The fact that you had to constantly call to get a hold of Barb and gave her a day/time that she ignored just tells me that she’s using you as free storage for her convenience.
The fact that she went all this time, before you got a hold of her regarding the furniture, without the furniture tells me that it wasn’t that important if Barb nor her friend who ordered them was concerned about their whereabouts.
Everything being sent has a tracking number. Either they knew and didn’t care, or they didn’t know and didn’t care.
Keep all records of your attempts and successful contacts with Barb. You’ll probably need them.” RndmIntrntStranger
Another User Comments:
“YTJ… why would your husband store boxes not addressed to him in the first place for weeks without telling anyone? Then upon realizing this, both of you force an elderly blind woman to try to arrange help with these packages around your own admittedly erratic schedule?
Then to just throw them out with no warning?
If they were that much of a nuisance, you could have arranged with Barb a storage facility. Most places let you have the first month for $1 or free even. Agree to pay for it for a month, mail her the key or give it to her younger friend and then let them deal with the technicalities.
Cancel the lease after the first month and it would have been on them to retrieve the items in that time frame. Most older people have fixed incomes, I can’t help but feel terrible for Barb as it comes off as you just wanting to keep her items and perhaps she gave up on getting the run-around from you.” QuietComplainer
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You became a jerk when you got rid of all the stuff. There were other solutions here, including, as others have said: leaving it all outside on a planned day for them to come and get it, scheduling it when just your partner is home, allowing them to pay for return shipping, and many other things.
Giving it all away was not a smart way to handle this. Definitely a legal liability concern now.” AdamOnFirst
3. AITJ For Wanting To Send My Husband's Daughter Back To Her Home Country?
“From the day we met, one of my husband’s primary goals was to bring his daughter Lidia to live with him here in America so she could have a better life and have an actual family with some level of stability and structure.
Lidia wanted to come live with us when she was little, but once she was about 15, her tune changed. We thought that it was because she was getting old enough to where her mother’s (lack of) rules and structure was less scary and more to her benefit, so we pressed on.
He finally won last spring shortly after she turned 17, and we brought her home shortly after.
It’s been a disaster. She doesn’t want to be here. She doesn’t know anyone here besides her father. There’s a huge language barrier, so she can’t really talk to us, let alone make friends here.
Those would be big enough issues on their own, but it’s nothing compared to the practical issues.
She’s supposed to have dual citizenship, but that either doesn’t mean anything or it works differently than any advice we’ve gotten. Back in her home country, she was a senior in high school and had already been accepted to several universities.
She had some kind of driver’s license. Here in America, all of that is meaningless. We can’t get her even a learner’s permit because her ‘paperwork isn’t right’. What’s happening with school though…
We had heard that the credit transfer would be behind, but every school we’ve talked to would put her as a sophomore at best. This not only means that she can’t graduate this year, but she’d be in high school until she’s 20(?!).
She could get a GED, but that’s looked down on by colleges here. We’ve looked into it online, but the online options are viewed about the same or worse than a GED. If we were millionaires, we could just donate to some school to just give her a degree, but we aren’t.
So by moving here, instead of graduating this year and going to college, she has to be in high school into her 20s or she can’t go to college at all.
There is an option of sending her back home to live with her mother’s friends to just graduate and get it over with and then come back.
She’d have to make sure she was back in class there before April, but she’d only have a semester to make up so she could feasibly graduate on time. A high school degree from her home country would equal out, so she could go to college here with no issue.
My husband won’t hear it. He thinks she’ll run away and never come back. He’s adamant that there has to be another option and that everyone is just ‘going off of emotion’. 20 schools, 3 lawyers, and tens of thousands of dollars later, I don’t think so.
I think this might be the only option and that we’re running out of time to take advantage of it. As much as I also want her here and want her in this family, this is the wrong time and we shouldn’t have pressed for her to come here in the first place.
We’ve been arguing for days over this, and time is running out.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Her tune changed at 15 because she’d established a life, and was looking forward to a future. And that future included living in a country where she speaks the language, graduating on time with the classmates she’s done her schooling with, and going to a university that teaches in her native tongue.
Also, when she turns 18, neither you nor your husband will have any control over her. She can return to her native country and establish her life there if that’s what she wants. Your husband isn’t even working off any form of logic here, he just wants to feel that he ‘won.'” PurpleMarsAlien
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – except the daughter.
All of these terrible outcomes should have been thought through before this girl got uprooted. Especially since it has taken so long for her to get there. There could have been professionals who could help sort out the issues she may have to face.
Schools should have been looked into. Someone to help with language issues, emotional issues from being completely isolated, etc.
Dad is acting more like this is a personal agenda than anything about his daughter.
You both had plenty of time to prepare but it sounds like you didn’t.
I feel bad for this girl.” Anxious_Plan5591
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
In the situation, you describe your husband is not properly considering the impact of his decisions on his almost-adult daughter. I won’t pretend to understand the legal aspects and why a high-school degree from that country is good enough to go to college in your country but an almost-high school education is not enough to get into the final year, but it doesn’t matter.
What matters is that this child will soon be a woman and she will remember who put her interests first and who put his own pride first. For the sake of your husband’s future relationship with his daughter, a relationship he clearly cares deeply about, and one he has missed for a long time, he needs to reset his expectations of who has a voice and listen to her.
Calmly, logically, and focused on her future. By trying to make him understand this, you are doing him a favor even if he didn’t realize it yet.
Good luck. It all sounds very tough. I hope the daughter can find an option that gives her a good education and good choices for whichever life she chooses to lead.” Rikutopas
Another User Comments:
“I am unsure, and the tone of your message makes it sound, or I should say, leads me to the conclusion that you never really wanted her to arrive. And that you haven’t really tried to break the language barrier.
I mean you had plenty of time to prepare. Your husband should have done advance preparation too. You could’ve made an effort to learn her language before she arrived. It’s been years right? So what have you really done to help her?
Just getting rid of her is not the answer. But you didn’t think it would ever really happen (her arrival) and now you just want her to leave.
But you need to remember that she is your husband’s daughter.
Never try to step in between your spouse and their child. It will not end well for you if you continue. See how you can help and if her going home is the best thing for everybody, so be it…
However, if getting her into college here is feasible, then there’s nothing wrong with that either. I think you’re just bent out of shape when she finally arrived. Am I wrong? Everyone sucks here.” lunaleeloo
2. AITJ For Wanting My Brother To Explain To His Nephew Why He Can't Come To His Child-Free Wedding?
“My (31M) son is five years old. About a year ago, my brother (34M) reassured my son that he could be the ring bearer at his wedding. This conversation occurred after he heard us talking about my and his dad’s wedding and was very offended that he wasn’t invited despite the fact that wouldn’t be conceived for another three years after the event.
My son really latched onto this comment.
Now, all these months later, my brother has proposed and is planning a wedding with his fiancée. When I told my son that his uncle was getting married, he was obviously overjoyed and immediately launched into bragging to his younger brother (who wasn’t born when the initial conversation took place and was just giving him typical baby babbles in return) that he got the be the ‘ring bear.’
I heard the proposal news from my mom and when I called to congratulate my brother, I also told him the story of how excited our oldest is. My brother went on to tell me that his fiancée is pretty adamant about a child-free wedding, so the promise he made might not be possible to be fulfilled anymore.
This was obviously hard for me to hear. Not only would this break my son’s heart, but this would also make my and my husband’s lives considerably harder. We’re currently living abroad and didn’t think we would have to find childcare for the time of the wedding.
Our only options now would be: Fly with our children and leave them in the care of people we don’t fully trust since all trusted family members will be attending the ceremony; leave both children with a trusted friend near our home and fly to the wedding (not ideal since, thanks to flexible work schedules, we were planning to spend a month with our families following the wedding… flying in for the celebration, flying home to pick up our children, and then flying back is too exhausting.
Them flying alone obviously isn’t an option.); or not attend.
My brother said he would try to get his fiancée to reconsider, but we spoke two nights ago and he said she’s putting her foot down. Admittedly, I was hurt over this on my son’s behalf.
I told him we would still try to make it, but it was unlikely that we could. I also told him that if he even wanted us to consider coming, he would have to tell his nephew himself that he was going back on his promise and why.
My brother said it felt like I was issuing him an ultimatum and making him choose between his family and his wife on what’s supposed to be the happiest day of his life and that I was being unfair. I said he shouldn’t have made promises he couldn’t keep.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You are not wrong for wanting him to explain it, and he is not wrong for the change in plans. This is actually a great opportunity for your son to start learning that sometimes plans change and things don’t work out.
And that it’s perfectly fine to be disappointed, but that unfortunately, these things happen sometimes.” PreferenceHungry8181
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your brother put you into a difficult position (kids 101 don’t promise them stuff cause they can forget it but they can also remember it forever and it’s 50-50).
If I were you, I’d skip their wedding. You and your husband can have a vow renewal ceremony instead, with two ‘ring bears’, do something cute, and invite friends and family that are close. Excuse yourself from your brother’s wedding explaining the situation to your family.” tatasz
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. The fiancee probably has her reasons. The brother shouldn’t be held to a promise he made before he ever planned to get married. Ultimately, it’s their affair and their decision.
You are of course free to try to convince/cajole them into an agreement, that doesn’t make you a jerk as long as you don’t fly off the handle at them.
As for whether you can attend or not, that’s up to you. Choosing not to attend for childcare reasons doesn’t make you a jerk either. Brother & fiancee knew that decision would preclude attendance by many people, and they seem OK with it.” RickRussellTX
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It is cute about your son dreaming of being a ring bearer before he was conceived and calling it ‘bear’ instead of bearer. All cute. It sounds like your brother hadn’t proposed at the time, did not have a fiancée or a wedding at the time, and made a comment offhand in response to hearing your son said he wanted to have been the ring bearer at his parents’ wedding.
It is fine for your child to be disappointed.
People are within their rights to have child-free weddings and it isn’t a personal affront to those with children or those for whom childcare arrangements are complicated. It is unfortunate to live abroad when a loved one is getting married or to be working out challenges to being able to attend.
People are also allowed to settle on specific plans for their weddings after the actual engagement.
It is fine to ask your brother if he would be the person to let your son down. In this situation, I don’t think it is a good idea to threaten or guilt your brother.
I’m a kindergarten teacher. Part of growing up and getting bigger is handling disappointment. I think you should manage yours and then work on helping your son manage his. Something about the tone of your story also makes me wonder if it’s possible that in fact, this is a bigger deal to you than it is to your son.
It probably was a bad idea to confirm to your son that he was the ring bearer before checking in with your brother about his specific plan.” memilygiraffily
1. AITJ For Living On The Second Floor With A Hyperactive Child?
“My child (4) was recently diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder. One of his traits is that he is ALWAYS moving.
Running, jumping, climbing, flailing, etc. The only time he’s not hyperactive is when he’s asleep or watching TV (and even then, sometimes).
We live in an upstairs apartment. I tried to get a downstairs one, but somebody took it, so I got stuck upstairs.
(This was before my son was diagnosed.)
One day, I come home and find a note from the downstairs neighbors saying, ‘I know you have a young kid, but he’s banging the roof at all hours, can you please stop.’
My kid goes to bed at 8:30, or 9 pm at the latest. So it’s within noise ordinance rules. He is at school or daycare a good portion of the rest of the time.
I have attempted to tell my kid to stop jumping pretty much constantly.
He listens once, then forgets and does it again 2 minutes later. Am I supposed to just tell him to stop jumping every two minutes for months? Trust me, I’d like it to stop too!
He’s autistic, so asking him to stop moving is distressing and can cause a meltdown that’s even worse than jumping.
Moving is how he regulates himself.
I take him outside as often as possible to let him run out his energy, but it doesn’t matter – he seems to have endless energy. I can have him run for an hour and he’ll still spend hours jumping.
Since I got this note, I spend way too much time being conscious of my son’s noise, which has increased my anxiety.
I even got him an indoor trampoline, so whenever he jumps, I tell him to jump on the trampoline instead.
With mixed results – sometimes he keeps jumping on other stuff anyway, and there’s nothing I can do besides keep on yelling at him or put him in a time-out, which I don’t feel is appropriate, since I’m punishing him for doing normal kid stuff that he needs to do.
For Christmas, I put a card on their door ‘thanking’ them for their ‘patience’ with my autistic son’s noise.
I feel that I’ve done everything in my power here – AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
I feel for you because it has to be tough, but holy cow, I am glad I’m not your downstairs neighbor!
This sort of noise once or twice a week could be handled, but if it’s daily? That’s torturous! Even though your kid’s in bed by 9 at the latest, that’s still hours of an insane amount of noise. I assume it’s probably worse for them on the weekends when they don’t have work to go to.
Home is meant to be a place of comfort and your kid’s noises are probably robbing your neighbors of that comfort, even if he doesn’t mean to.
I’ll admit, I’m really sympathetic to your neighbors as I’m quite noise sensitive, to the point I often wear earplugs around my own home to drown out the ambient noise of my family’s everyday sounds.
I’d probably want to stab myself in the ears if I lived under you. So I get the note.
I also see that you’ve been trying to do something to resolve the issue and aren’t just letting it go, but I think at this point, barring swapping apartments with the neighbor, you’re just going to have to live with them getting increasingly angry with this situation.” enidkeaner
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You say your kid was diagnosed after you moved in but also said you tried to get a ground-floor apartment meaning he was probably doing all the same things before being diagnosed. If you couldn’t have found a ground apartment there look for other apartment complexes because someone with a kid who spends hours a day jumping around shouldn’t be living on the second floor regardless of excuses.” GenericAwfulUsername
Another User Comments:
“Putting him in a timeout isn’t punishing him for doing stuff he needs to do, it is punishing him for ignoring you when you are instructing him to do the thing he needs to do in a manner that will make him fit in better with the world around him.
YTJ. Give your kid a time-out when he ignores you telling him to use the trampoline for jumping.
You are responsible for enforcing discipline and helping him adapt to accommodations. You provided accommodation, now you must enforce discipline. If you don’t he is going to be the kind of adult people hate.” iShakeAppleTrees
