People Take Action In These “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
22. AITJ For Complaining About My Brother's Friend Joining Our Siblings-Only Road Trip?
“I have three siblings who I haven’t seen much of in the last three years. We decided to plan a sibling road trip through Europe as we used to take road trips with our parents all of the time when we were younger.
My older brother made most of the arrangements and as far as I was aware it was only supposed to be the four of us.
At our first stop there was an unwelcome face, my brother’s best friend, waiting for us. My siblings informed me he would be joining the rest of our trip since he was an honorary sibling. I was the only person who hadn’t been told beforehand which contributed to how upset I was at having him included.
I complained, in front of him, that he shouldn’t be here because he wasn’t a sibling and I said I wouldn’t have come if I knew he would be there. It caused multiple arguments with my siblings who were all defending him.
My older sister said I was just upset he was there because we had been intimate which made things awkward and caused another argument between my brother and his best friend.
At one point I threatened to leave early if he was going to stay.
I only stopped complaining and threatening to leave at the next stop because my younger sister started crying because I was ruining the trip.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Why are people in the comments ignoring the core issue? If it is a “sibling” vacation, why is some person they once were intimate with coming along?
Cue Alabama music. Jokes aside though, if it was meant to be a sibling-only vacation, then yeah, it completely makes the other siblings the jerks for not informing OP. And it sounds like everyone but OP knew he was going to show up, that’s weird as heck making plans behind someone’s back, especially since one sibling seemed to know the possible reason why they felt so uncomfortable with them.
And then that sibling (king trash award) goes ahead and informs everyone! Does that honestly sound like a fun trip to anyone to have to be in OP’s shoes in this situation?” Ok_Cryptographer3142
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You agreed to go on a trip with a certain group of people.
If someone else is joining, you should be informed. Heck, even knowing that the car was going from having 4 people to 5 people, you should be informed. He clearly is not “an honorary sibling” because if he was your sibling, he wouldn’t have been intimate with you.
You stopped complaining because you were in Europe, with an entire trip in front of you, and no real way to leave without wasting all your time and money. Being essentially forced into a decision you did not want is not the same thing as having a choice.
They all owe you an apology. And chances are, they won’t be getting another sibling trip with you.” ImaginaryAnts
Another User Comments:
“Unfortunately, it seems that OP was always destined to be the 5th wheel on this “family” trip. Her feelings and opinions were never part of anyone’s planning and when she balked, they all tried to make it seem that she was the unreasonable one.
Her older brother wanted to go on a trip with his best friend whom he knew made his sister uncomfortable so he conveniently didn’t mention it to her. Her sister didn’t do anything but betray a confidence in public and her sniveling younger sister claimed that the trip would somehow be spoiled for the others if she stood up for herself?
I get the feeling that the only reason she was included was because they claimed it was a family trip and couldn’t justify not including her. Now that they’ve let her know how they feel, they will blame her and feel justified in not including her in any future “family” gatherings.
These people all owe OP a massive apology that will probably never come. They will rug sweep and act like they didn’t betray her or just exclude her in the future. The truth hurts and she has to figure out how to accept it.” UsefulPossibility
21. AITJ For Being Upset With My House Sitter For Pulling Out My Garden Plants?
“My (35f) husband (35m), 3 kids, and I went on an almost 3-week road trip to visit family.
We had a house/pet sitter highly recommended to us. We know her family, she’s our age, single, and loves animals.
Her rate was very good and she seemed like a perfect fit.
I told her when we left she could pick all the berries she wanted (we have a huge huge huge raspberry patch, strawberries, blueberries, etc) and take them home so they weren’t wasted, and she said she loves being outside in the garden.
She messaged me about a week into the trip to ask a question and mentioned again she loved being in the garden and spends a lot of time gardening at her parents’ (she’s in an apartment).
My veggie garden didn’t get weeded or tilled this year due to an unexpected flood and subsequent reno in our basement.
So I said if she loved gardening feel free to weed that space (veggie garden) and I’d happily pay her $20/h to do so. I gave her specific instructions on where the strawberries were in there (they are kinda overgrown) but also said don’t stress if some get pulled out with weeds, and beyond that just pull it all out.
We got home 2 days ago and pulled up to the house. Right away my husband was like …. Uhhh babe, do you see anything wrong?
I look and realize my entire front garden against the house is bare… just dirt. Now I admit, it looked crazy when we left. It definitely had a lot of tall weeds, but 75% of it was mature iris’ of a few varieties, and black-eyed Susans…and I let them look insane till they self-seed then do a fall cleanup.
Iris are very clearly plants, not weeds… even after they are done blooming. To replace all the plants she pulled out will cost $5-600… and that’s not even replacing with big mature ones.
I am pretty livid. In the moment I didn’t say anything.
I was exhausted from travel and too mad to be kind in what I would say (She was home when we arrived back). I just paid her and said thanks. She said she did the front garden instead because the mosquitoes were so bad in the back (they are).
But I feel like I have to say something.
My mom said I should leave it and call it a learning lesson on not giving anyone permission to garden for me… but I think she needs to understand that you can’t just do that!
Especially with no asking or clarification, and in literally a totally different area than someone says!
I had cell service the entire trip, we’d been in communication throughout it so she knew I did.
So I’d like feedback…and if you know a nice way of phrasing my message let me know.
We live in a tiny town where everyone knows everyone…
I think the biggest reason I struggle with messaging her is that I was given the plants by a neighbor, so I didn’t actually pay for them…and I’ve been contemplating changing things up in front… but I would have relocated plants not tossed them.
I definitely won’t recommend her to anyone, as beyond the garden there were a number of other things I was not happy with when we got home.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m sure she wanted to help but you had discussed the backyard, not the front.
If I was working in someone’s garden I’d want to have a discussion about what was planted and what to remove. I think it’s fine to say something to her. Maybe you don’t want to charge her full price for the plants but since she wasn’t in the backyard where you gave permission, it’s fair.
If your friends recommended her, it shouldn’t be a problem with them.” pnutbuttercups56
Another User Comments:
“Even if you don’t tell her she is going to wonder why you are upset with her the next time you meet. I think she at least needs to know why there is a problem, but it should probably be done tactfully.
You told her she could work on the garden. She thought she was doing what you wanted and just didn’t know enough about plants to do it right. You could tell her that you are thinking of replanting some of the flowers and ask her where she put the iris bulbs that were removed. Maybe you can get some of the bulbs back.
If not, she will at least know what she did. It must really hurt to lose so many flowers, but I don’t think it would be right to ask her for reimbursement. It may have to just be a lesson learned not to let anyone mess with your garden unless you are sure they know what they are doing.
No jerks here.” NoWalk5669
Another User Comments:
“If it was me, and I’m not a gardener in any sense of the word, I would have asked her “What type of plants do your parents have in their apartment garden?” That would have given me an idea of what she is familiar with.
My impression is that if the “garden” she is helping with are all in boxes, then she really doesn’t know anything about raised bed gardens (I don’t either, but my husband does and he would have been right next to me to help me learn and understand what to do).
If she indicates that she really knows nothing about bed gardening, I would ask her to reimburse me for some of the cost of that garden because she was told which one she could weed and she should have left all of the gardens alone if the mosquitos were a problem.” [deleted]
20. AITJ For Not Wanting To Join My Partner's Frequent Dining Out Habit?
“I loathe eating out and love eating at home, during family gatherings, etc…
my partner on the other hand is the complete opposite, he’s pretty much a gourmet, and eating out is a hobby for him.
We have been struggling with this for a while now. He eats out several times a week, while I prefer staying home during those occasions.
Yesterday he brought it up and said he was feeling neglected. He wanted me to accompany him in these outings much more often and was feeling slightly bad because I wasn’t getting involved in this even though I know it’s a huge hobby/interest for him.
It is absolutely true we pretty much only eat out together during special days, holidays, or rare dates.
We talked about it and I told him we could eat out a couple of (not necessarily two, but not weekly either) times per month. He didn’t agree and wants me to eat out together at least once a week, but honestly, I’m not up for it.
In the end, we never reached an agreement.
He thinks I’m being too inflexible and selfish, while I think he’s being selfish himself by trying to get me into something I absolutely despise.
Am I being the jerk by refusing to compromise any further?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ no one person is meant to meet all of another’s needs. If this is something you’re not willing to compromise he needs to find someone that can go out to eat with him at these places and try new foods/new restaurants. Trying to meet your partner’s needs all-encompassing only leads to resentment anger and frustration and ultimately ends the relationship.
If he can’t meet the need on his own and you can’t meet the need, he needs to find a friend or a family member who has the same hobby as him. However, you guys might need to find a hobby that you share together that shows/represents quality time.
Maybe that’s the disconnect in your relationship right now is you guys don’t have something where it’s quality time together and he’s trying to bring you in on this hobby. It might not be that it’s the hobby that’s the root cause it might be he feels a lack of connection and quality time.
If quality time is an important love language of his you’re going to have to make concessions otherwise your relationship is not going to be successful. Just like if let’s say your love language is acts of service or words of affirmation, just doing it to him is not going to get your needs met.
You need to communicate how you want love and this might be his. If you can’t meet that then you need to move on. If you’re not willing to compromise and give your partner the love and the way they understand and accept it, not to say they can’t grow to begin to accept the other four languages, but you need to be able to honor their priority one.” MJSP88
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here: I think the 2 of you need to talk more & see if there’s room for a compromise where you still have experiences that you like and neither feels like they have to do something they hate. What is the attraction to him of these outings?
Is it the food? The ambiance of being in a restaurant with waiters, other diners? The experience of getting dressed up & going somewhere? On your side, what’s your objection? Cost, being in a restaurant with other people, the tendency to overeat, lack of interest in the food, the amount of time it takes?
If you can each be more specific, maybe there is room for a compromise. For example, if the food is the main attraction for him, and your main objection is that going out seems like a bad use of your time, maybe you could order takeout and eat it at home.” YMMV-But
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I never eat out. I never eat at other people’s houses either. I might eat pastries or cake or something but otherwise hard no. The reason for this is I don’t trust other people with my food. I have mushrooms allergy and most of my family tried to trick me into eating them since I was a kid and I kept saying they stink and I hated them/smell made me sick (never did get me to actually eat any luckily).
As an adult I took the test and lo and behold, it’s an allergy. You might have different reasons but so many people get food poisoning eating out, I never understood where this trust comes from. I cook, I eat. If I go out I am very picky.
And distrustful. It’s just not enjoyable for me. Tell him your reasoning. Surely there’s something that makes you hate eating out. It could be anything, from doubting food quality to hating the thought of people watching you eat.” Ok_Mood_5055
19. AITJ For Insisting On Sitting In The Movie Seats I Paid For?
“Tonight I (18F) and my friend (17M) went to see Thor: Love and Thunder tonight. I bought special tickets in 4DX (premium format) for me and my friend to see the movie.
Keep in mind that the minute the tickets went on sale at around 9:30 am on June 17, I went to pick my spot, but I had picked the exact middle so my friend and I could get the best viewing experience.
It was 7:30 and the movie trailers were starting so my friend and I were in a bit of a hurry to get in our seats.
When we sit in our seats we see this family of around 5 sitting beside each other, and one of them is in our seats that I paid for. I told them that they were in our seats and showed proof on my phone. They asked if we could reach a compromise by sitting on the far right so they could sit next to each other.
I told them that it wasn’t fair because I was on the far left and it had a bad angle of the screen. In my opinion, it would cause a lot of neck strain.
They finally gave up and moved their seats to the ones that they paid for.
The movie then started afterward and my friend and I had a great time. I told the family that I was not trying to be a “Karen”, but I paid for these seats for me and my friend and therefore had the right to use them.
Was I a bit of a Karen? Be honest.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The whole point of being able to book your seats in advance is so that you can decide whether the available seats are acceptable or book tickets for a different showing if you don’t like what’s available.
It’s avoiding the inconvenience of 10+ years ago when you wouldn’t know if you could get good seats until you’d already hauled yourself over to the theater, bought your tickets (and any snacks or whatever), and walked into the theater.” KaliTheBlaze
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It happens sometimes in movie theaters. If they wanted to sit together, then they should have booked them together; even if it was a later showing. Besides, who cares if they get to sit together? You’re not supposed to talk during movies anyway. This happened to me when two of my friends and I went to see Eternals.
One of my friends was in the washroom, so we went to our seats and someone was there. I told them that they were in our seats. They moved over to make room for two of us until I said that we have three tickets, and again, they’re in our seats.
And the imposter (lol) looks at us and is like “You have three?” like we needed to justify taking the seats that I paid for. She had to sit somewhere else because she didn’t book it with her friends. I had zero guilt. I booked the tickets, and we shouldn’t have to compromise because they planned poorly.” kaitlinmarshall07
Another User Comments:
“NTJ it’s your seat. Just like all the AITJ posts about plane seats. If you paid for and picked your seat it’s yours. Again, similar to the plane seat disputes, these kinds of disputes would be best on auto recommendation of NTJ.
I will also add, who cares if a family sits next to each other in a movie? Are they planning to talk during the movie and ruin the experience for others? Do they want to be creepy and cuddle? Seriously, what is the benefit of sitting next to each other in the theater unless they were small kids and the parents wanted to keep an eye on them?
And even in THAT case, the parents were stupid for booking seats where they couldn’t do so.” ElectroStaticSpeaker
18. AITJ For Leaving The Movie Theatre Due To Loud And Disruptive Audience Members?
“Last night my partner and I tried to see Jurassic World Dominion and from what unraveled we didn’t make it fifteen minutes in. It was a pretty empty theatre with pockets of couples here and there. Directly behind me was an adult couple (male/female) who would not stop talking.
To ensure they were hearing each other, they spoke over the volume of the movie. I looked back and said “Guys, please,” and they stopped. The female apologized. I kid you not, not five minutes later, this guy in our row is talking on his phone loudly.
My partner asks him to stop and he responds with “What is your problem?” So I interject and say “You are talking on your phone and we are in the middle of a movie.”
“I don’t care. What is your problem?”
His words were filled with venom.
This dude wanted a problem. I could feel my blood boiling so I called him an absolute idiot and he stopped.
I am now twisted beyond relaxation. I suffer from Complex PTSD and I’m working through my triggers. This dude triggered me. I started running through scenarios in my head when he started talking again (because he would have) and I was afraid it was going to escalate and lose control.
Clearly, I could not focus on the movie.
So I remember Mr. Miyagi’s “no be there” rule and decided to leave with my partner. We told the manager, got our money back, and they offered to go in and talk to the guy but we told them he was hostile and it will only escalate and it is better that I’m not there for that because I’ll spiral and do something reckless.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and very healthy of you to remove yourself from the situation had someone else begun interrupting the movie. You were just doing what the other guests watching the movie wanted to do. You just gotta remind yourself people are jerks and genuinely have no consideration for others, it’s a culture thing.
Glad you got a refund though!” Melissacarranza
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – PTSD or not, that couple was being incredibly rude. “Don’t talk during the movie” is the number one rule of being in a theater, next to “don’t trash the place” and “take your screaming child out into the hallway if they’re upset.” My own anecdote is from the time I went with my partner and sister to see the first Sonic movie.
There was a man and two girls (maybe a dad and his daughters) in the row behind us and a few seats to the right. At some point the dad fell asleep, which is fine, it’s a kiddie movie and my dad’s done that before too.
Then the dad starts snoring, LOUD. Loud enough that all three of us turned around to stare daggers into the dude until his girls woke him up. We didn’t hear a peep after that.” one_angry_custodian
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, however, the manager shouldn’t have asked you, just thanked you and apologized that that wasn’t the experience they want their patrons to experience and to please come back.
(Maybe throw in free tickets or concessions) but he should have gone in there after you left and watched to see if the behavior continues and then removed the person, that’s their job. His 1 ticket versus the many unhappy patrons wouldn’t be worth it for them as a business.
I used to work in a movie theater when I was in high school. On the rare nights I had off during the weekend, I’d grab a friend and go to the movies since my ticket +1 and a small popcorn and 2 small drinks were free, and being a teenager who didn’t like going to see the newest movies for free!
People would chat in the movies sometimes when I was there watching. I’d go up and mention that I worked there and there’s no talking during the movie, if they’d like a discussion they can go out to the lobby with whoever they were conversing with.
But people pay good money to come here and watch in silence not listen to them. I’ve only gotten a few smart comments and I reminded them they’re welcome to leave or bring it up with the owners who are in the lobby. Who would then reinforce the no-talking during the movie rules.
Might I have been a jerk, yes. Did I care? No. If it bothered me, it definitely bothered other patrons.” fun2bsmwcgrl
17. AITJ For Being Upset About How I Found Out About My Niece And Nephew's Autism?
“My family (me, husband + 4 kids) is extremely close with my husband’s sister’s family (Cara & Tom (30s), Connor (9) and Emma (7)). We live in the same town, our kids go to the same school and we see each other every week for meals, play dates, watch each other’s kids’ sports, etc. I would consider us best friends and we share lots of personal stuff (good and bad).
A few years ago, we received a bulk family email from Tom with a little video Connor had made about his autism. The email said that he’d made the clip and shared it with his teachers and class last week and that they thought we (my husband and I + a dozen other close family members) might like to see it.
The thing is, we had no idea he was even being tested. My husband and I felt a little put out by hearing the news this way but wrote a supportive message in reply and that was that.
Last week, we received an almost identical message and video from Emma.
Except this time, we did know because our son is in the same class as Emma and told us that they watched a video about Emma’s autism in February. We have been doing all our usual catch-ups all year and had heard nothing.
AITJ for feeling disappointed to be told about the diagnoses this way?”
Another User Comments:
“Um…how else did you expect to be told? Through casual conversation? Getting tested for disabilities is very strenuous and can take a toll on a family. I understand your SIL tells you all good and bad, but when it involves children in the family, sometimes that can take a toll on the marriage as well.
What if the diagnoses were so difficult that the marriage started failing? Sometimes news comes in multiples…so assuming that they “only” had to share that their children were diagnosed on the spectrum probably wasn’t the only thing going on in their lives. Not only that, but the news involved the children, and the children deserve to have a clear understanding of their diagnoses FIRST before anyone else.
Due to their ages, what if it took a while for the children themselves to know/feel comfortable with their diagnoses? I used to HATE it when my parents shared news about me before I had a clear understanding of what was going on. Your in-laws have respect for their children, which should quickly triumph over whatever expectation you have to get “the news” quick and in a hurry.
YTJ.” AUDMCJSW
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. What exactly is it about the method of telling that you object to? The fact it wasn’t personalized? That sounds like it could get pretty exhausting pretty quickly, especially if people have questions, which makes a video addressing the basics a great option.
Or that you weren’t first in line? Maybe Cara and Tom wanted to get things straight with the doctors and school first, and the video came up in the course of that discussion and just seemed easier. Or maybe you’re not as close as you think you are, which is okay to be disappointed about but isn’t going to be helped by making their family news about you and your reaction.
How do you even feel about Connor and Emma’s autism? Do you classify it as “bad” stuff that should be discussed in depth with the other major life updates? If so, that might provide a clue as to why you weren’t the first choice of confidantes.
If it’s just another thing about them as far as you’re concerned, then take the news in that spirit and keep treating them how you’ve been treating them.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Think about it this way: No one was trying to keep you in the dark here.
The parents let their kids (the actual autistic people) make the decision of how and when people learn about their disability. Self-advocacy is a very important skill for disabled people to learn, and part of that is navigating how and when to inform others of your disability and how it affects you.
As well, the way they told you is much less stressful for the kids than in-person conversations. Many people react in ableist ways toward autistic people. If your reaction wound up being a bad one, the kids wouldn’t have to see it and immediately know you think poorly of them.
You are not the center of this discussion. The kids are. They deserve to have control over how much of their personal information you or anyone else gets to know. All that said, NTJ for having feelings, but you would be the jerk if you made the kids or their parents feel bad about this.
Keep it to yourself.” WildAphrodite
16. AITJ For Refusing To Miss Work To Babysit My Brother For Less Pay?
“I 15f have a brother 10m. My brother and I don’t really get along because we have nothing in common. We still love each other but we don’t hang out at all.
So my stepmom wants me to take 3 days off work to go to my mom’s and watch my brother so she can have kid-free time.
She never asked me. She just called my job and told them I can’t work those days. When my job asked me about it I told them I could work. She never asks me to watch my brother she just does. (My brother and I don’t live together and I watch him at our mom’s).
I don’t want to watch my brother because I will be missing at least $150 from my check if I take those days off.
I told my stepmom that I will be missing money if I don’t work. She said she will pay me $20 for the 3 days I watch him.
I said no because nothing about this benefits me and only her. I asked her why my mom couldn’t watch him and she said she has work and can’t afford a sitter. I then said that’s not my problem and I’m not responsible for a kid I didn’t make.
So she said if I don’t watch him to never ask anything of her again.
So AITJ for refusing to watch my brother?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s not your problem, as you say. And step-mom was a study in presumption to contact your work without asking you first—sounds as though you have a pretty good job, too.
Then she insults you by offering a fraction of what you’d make at work. As for step’s threat, only you can decide whether it merits a reversal of your decision. But you are def not the jerk here.” Justafukingegg
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Where is your dad in this situation?
Why don’t you live with your mom? Does your mom even care that your stepmother is trying to force you to miss work and lose money? What kind of job are you getting $50 a day from at age 15?!” NowWithMoreChocolate
Another User Comments:
“$20 for 3 days??? Okay listen.
I’m a babysitter, I look after 4 kids and I get $40 for roughly 7 hours. Even that is ridiculously cheap. I just charge low because I’ve known the family for years and I adore the kids, plus it’s not my main source of income. If your stepmom wants a sitter she ought to look into what a sitter actually costs.
$20 for 3 days is just insulting to even read. Where I live $20 will get you a little over an hour of sitting. Yeah. So honestly if your stepmom couldn’t afford me then she can probably only afford high schoolers still doing $5 an hour. Good on you for not accepting that OP.
Know your worth. NTJ.” theivyangel
15. AITJ For Telling My Young Sister-In-Law She's Going To Be An Aunt Before My Wife Could Explain It?
“I (29m) was just told yesterday by my wife Selena (27f) that she’s pregnant and it’s exciting, she sent me a photo of the test to confirm. I asked her who I could tell and she said nobody. The thing is, three years ago we took in her little sister Mandy (8f) after their mom passed away (their dad already passed).
It was only Mandy and me home at the time and she was on my laptop playing games in my room. The thing is, it’s a Mac and I have an iPhone and because they’re linked, Mandy saw our conversation and the photo of the test. So she came running to me with the laptop and asked if it was true.
I hate lying to her so I admitted it but that Selena wanted us to be quiet about it for now.
She started asking me a lot of questions about what the baby would mean, if it was a boy or a girl, why we wanted one, what she would be.
So, I told her that she was going to be an aunt and she was going to be the best aunt in the world. Something about that scared her and she kept saying ‘no’ over and over again. So then I told her that she should be excited to be an aunt because now she can be the boss sometimes.
She kind of panicked at that and yelled at me that she didn’t want to be an aunt and then ran to her room. I tried to talk to her but she locked it.
When Selena came home from work, Mandy raced out of her room and into her arms and started bawling really badly.
Like to the point where she would hyperventilate. Like she wouldn’t stop crying and hugging Selena, barely calmed down enough to eat, and then just started crying again. Selena had to sleep hugging Mandy in her bed and actually took today off from work to stay with her because she started crying again as soon as she woke up.
I’m at the office today, but before I left, Selena was mad at me and told me that I never should have told her to be excited and should have waited for her to come home to explain things. I don’t think I was wrong to try and explain it to her because I never thought she’d react like this.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It makes sense that your wife would be upset because her sister had a panic attack, but it sounds like an honest mistake that she found out. You didn’t deliberately tell her without your wife being there. But there’s no way I’m saying that an 8-year-old with dead parents is a jerk for getting upset over a big surprise.
I’m 99% sure that a) she was worried that this meant she’s being replaced or b) she is scared that something might happen to her sister in childbirth.” mr_mini_doxie
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. No, you shouldn’t tell anyone, even a child, what their reaction should be to news, but I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt here because it seems like you were just trying your best to deal with a tough situation on your own as it played out.
You should apologize to Mandy for telling her how she should feel and tell her that her feelings, positive or negative, are valid. It might be a good idea to try to have a family meeting to talk about how much you both love Mandy and how a new baby in the family won’t change that and arrange therapy to help Mandy come to terms with this new family dynamic.” uhhuhwut
Another User Comments:
“Gently, YTJ. Your wife asked you to keep it to yourself. Where you found you couldn’t because Mandy saw, I understand the secret initially being shared. But this isn’t an adult potentially getting excited about a baby. This is a child you and your wife are raising.
If there was EVER a time to work as a team to share this news, it would have been with Mandy. Your wife has been attending therapy with her and knows her better than you do. This was potentially the most delicate conversation about this pregnancy you both needed to have and you went off blind and on your own.
NTJ for sharing what already had been shared but you are the jerk for not giving her other caregiver a chance to weigh in on how to do it best. You clearly love Mandy but she’s still tiny. You and your wife are a team and because you didn’t opt to wait a bit, you hurt your team and Mandy.” blonde_locks
14. AITJ For Not Wanting My Narcissistic Mother-In-Law To Move In With Us?
“In my previous married life, my then-MIL checked every box of being a covert/vulnerable narcissist – always a victim, never taking responsibility, always in crisis to hold attention on herself, passive-aggressive and manipulative in her behavior, etc. She raised my then-husband and his brother as a single mom, which led to some truly unhealthy dynamics among the three of them.
A couple of years ago, after some self-created housing drama, MIL asked my then-husband if she could come from out of state to live with us. (To be very clear, there was nothing remotely urgent about her situation – she had a perfectly fine place to live and was physically capable of taking care of herself.) Knowing her personality and the type of ongoing turmoil she thrives on, I gave a firm “no” but offered a compromise of finding her a place of her own near us and helping her get settled in.
My husband said he agreed with me but then reported back to his mom that I (not we) didn’t think it was a good idea for her to move in with us, making me the bad guy.
A couple of months after this discussion, I had to travel for work.
I called my then-husband one night from the hotel and he again brought up the idea of his mom moving in. I gave the same answer as before, to which he replied he was “ashamed” of me and my selfishness. The call did not end well, and we did not communicate at all the following day.
The day after that, I texted him while on my way to the airport to let him know I was on my way home. His terse response was “ok, and oh, by the way, mom is here now.”
He moved his mom into our house when I was out of town and didn’t let me know until I was on my way home.
(At first, he said he thought we’d agreed in that angry phone call that she could move in, then later said he was just too busy to let me know any sooner. Months later, in the midst of an argument, he finally said he didn’t bother to let me know because he didn’t want to deal with any of my “drama”.)
I held it together for the rest of the Uber ride, but as soon as I stepped into the airport and got him on the phone, I was in tears trying to make sense of what I was coming home to. Turns out, he had me on speaker phone with his mom sitting right beside him, and he scolded me for making HER feel bad because I wasn’t happy about her being there.
The next few months played out exactly as I had predicted. Anytime they were alone, she would tell him all the (imaginary) ways in which I had mistreated her and hurt her feelings. Meanwhile, she treated him like her golden child who could do no wrong, which only emboldened him to regress to an unbearable level of immaturity and irresponsibility.
I quickly became a third wheel in my marriage, we eventually divorced, and last I heard, he and his mom are still living together.
I still firmly believe in setting healthy boundaries, even for family. He liked to tell me that “everyone” agreed that he did the right thing to take care of his mom (again, she did not need caretaking).
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Chiiiiile, by NO MEANS are you the jerk. Your husband and his mother DEFINITELY are. Consider this a lesson learned and a bullet dodged. That man was already ‘married’ to his mother when he met you. I lived through a very similar situation to yours.
The only difference is, my husband actually realized that everything that I said about his mother was true, when her mask started slipping. He apologized profusely to me and we made amends when he was able to show me that his perspective of her had changed. He barely can stomach her now, because she continues to push him away with her antics.
He’s very very LC while I’m essentially NC with her. I’m so sorry that your ex wasn’t man enough to separate from his mother, but on the bright side, it frees you up to find the person who will treat you the way you deserve.
Hang in there. While it sucks for you now, it does get a little better each day.” TheRipley78
Another User Comments:
“NTJ there is a YouTube channel called Growing Up Crazy, it’s a woman recounting her experience taking care of her narcissistic mother her entire life.
Your ex has probably been groomed into being his mother’s caretaker his entire life and your life would’ve been a nightmare. I have a brother who is a manipulative narcissist and I plan on going NC as soon as I can, these types of people are exhausting.
Be proud of yourself that you got yourself out and never feel bad for abandoning abusive people.” CircaInfinity
Another User Comments:
“Good God, no, you’re NTJ. And congratulations on getting out of that toxic situation! I actually do feel bad for your ex, because I was that person once upon a time.
It took me a lot of therapy and watching YouTube videos on narcissism to heal myself and learn to stand up for myself. Becoming an adult is extra hard if you were brought up by a narc. I bet you make a much happier choice with your next man.” fire_goddess11
13. AITJ For Refusing To Interact With My Sister's Partner After He Crossed Boundaries?
“My older sister, Jessie (24), has been with her current partner, Nelson (23), as of a year ago. I’m 21 and I go to university a couple of hours away from where my family lives so I didn’t meet Nelson until a few months into their relationship.
Over video calls and the like, my family gradually revealed information that he disclosed to them, relating to his own family and personal issues that led to him having an array of mental illnesses. Well, the day comes when I finally meet Nelson, and he seems to be an alright dude.
I was even a little impressed because he had swayed my younger sister, Vanessa (14), into reciprocating physical affection, especially since she’s not a hugger.
As for me, I have had a series of traumatic events in my life that are responsible for my depression and anxiety, but my relationship with my family is pretty solid.
I seem well-adjusted to anyone who doesn’t know me. However, in the five or so months that Nelson got to know me, he soon approached me to ask why I was depressed. For all the reasons listed above, he said I had no reason to be, but that he would be there in case I needed to talk.
Nevertheless, I have hard boundaries with disclosing my mental health to people I hardly know, so I refused his offer, and he somehow took it upon himself to inform Vanessa of my “bad influence” on her.
I was a little peeved to hear that he had privately messaged Vanessa and ranted about how she had changed ever since I came home.
That I was toxic because she is more closed off around him when I’m around, and that my supposed depression was a result of me trying to gain attention while I’m away. However, I was more upset at the fact that he felt the need, as a grown man, to approach a teenager to rant about his insecurities.
At this point, my mom intervened and the issue was put to rest.
Since then, he has not apologized and I have chosen to not interact with him, simply because I don’t entertain people who attempt to start drama in my family when there is none.
My parents tell me that I shouldn’t be so closed off, since my sister really likes him, and he’s coming to live with us soon. But I don’t feel comfortable given how he felt the need to intervene in our family less than a year into their relationship.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I also think it’s a little odd that he’s praised for getting a 14-year-old girl to be physically affectionate towards him and sulking that she’s now spending more time with you and thus he’s getting less affection from her.
It’s also completely inappropriate that he’s messaging a 14-year-old about his issues. I genuinely can’t understand why your parents are letting him move in.” No-Crew-1641
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He crossed your boundaries, made you uncomfortable, and belittled your struggles, while at the same time talking nonsense about you to your sister (aka, causing unnecessary drama).
I wouldn’t want to interact with him either after that. Just be civil and respectful when he’s around, but you shouldn’t force yourself to interact with him more than you want to.” andreaali04
Another User Comments:
“Ok NTJ. Now OP, you need to get your younger sister an advocate, no one in your immediate family, someone who your family will listen to, and get your younger sister to talk to them about this guy.
Especially the fact he is boundary-pushing as well as showing very disturbing signs of control. Tell your younger sister you are always going to be there for her no matter what anyone does to her, especially when they ignore her boundaries. Good luck OP, and be ready for the glass to fall and smash.” OriginalDogeStar
12. AITJ For Wanting To Hire Only People Who Understand English For Safety Reasons?
“I am a 31-year-old guy who works for a company that takes on cleaning tasks of two types, heavy duty, and light duty.
I am the person who trains new people (and we get a lot because most just want the job temporarily or they realize they hate it) which means I train a lot of people. This involves construction sites, neglected and overgrown yards or abandoned homes and jobs with obvious hazards (biological, germ, weight, and those things) to a limited degree.
(If a sick person enters a space, we can sanitize with some exceptions). We have things like heavy lifting, heavy chemicals, and hazard gear that must be used correctly at all times. There is a lot of communication, teamwork and two-people lifts, and use of machines.
The Light Duty crews enter homes or small offices and do simple cleaning: vacuuming, dusting and bathrooms and sometimes dishes. This requires speaking to clients. Telling them what they can do and what needs to be discussed beforehand and when they aren’t comfortable with something… They are to refuse jobs with excess weight, too much garbage, or bodily fluids.
But if they don’t speak or understand English well enough, they can’t answer questions or explain things to clients.
Recently, a serious injury occurred because the person in question did not understand an instruction to wait for someone to help him lift a heavy item.
He needs surgery and will be off for a while. This isn’t the first time this has caused problems because they don’t always understand vague instructions like if it’s raining, do thing but any other day do that. I suggested new workers need to prove they can understand basic English, mainly on job requests so we know they can understand the training.
My coworker says I’m blinded by my privilege because I’m a native English speaker but I just want the people I train to be safe and trained properly.
I love that our population is growing and that we get so many new people here to learn from and make our country more diverse and beautiful BUT my goal is to properly train my crew to do their jobs safely, correctly and that is my main priority at work.
But someone has gotten hurt and I won’t let it happen again. The language barrier gets complaints from clients too and some jobs are misinterpreted or not done right. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You should tell your coworker that it’s not that you’re blinded by privilege by wanting people to understand the safety instructions necessary to do the job without injury, you just want to prevent somebody from being blinded by harsh chemicals or other accidents that could occur if they don’t understand the instructions which is a liability to the company and to the person who is not able to understand what they’re supposed to do.
This has nothing to do with privilege whatsoever. Your coworker is an idiot sorry to say.. no I’m not, he’s an idiot!” Orphan_Izzy
Another User Comments:
“It is not discriminatory to require an employee to be able to understand instruction nor communicate effectively with colleagues and clients.
You have a safeguarding duty towards your employees which cannot be met if such communication is not possible. You are not discriminating on the basis of ethnicity, culture, or background. Your concern is purely safety. NTJ.” Agreeable_Part_1718
Another User Comments:
“Short answer: YTJ. Work out other ways to minimize the miscommunication potential. Some examples include translating instructions for different clients, encouraging clients to nominate a multilingual representative for instructions, and encouraging improved English with classes for your staff.” tosser9212
11. AITJ For Telling My Fiancé Our Problems Aren't His Sister's Business?
“My fiancé (32m) and I (28f) have had our ups and downs and recently decided to try couples counseling because we needed the help since we weren’t getting through to each other.
A big problem I have is that he won’t communicate with me, anytime there is a problem he shuts down. I excused this as just who he was and so he deserved my patience while he worked on doing better. I’m working on not forcing issues.
(Doesn’t excuse it, but I would force us to talk about the problem because I can’t stand the tension.)
I felt like things were going great until we ran into an argument and I tried to talk about it. He immediately went silent treatment on me, that itself is frustrating because I’ve yet to see him make the effort to try and compromise with our communication issues like our therapist told us.
I told myself to give him time to calm down and push himself to talk.
Two days later and he still wouldn’t talk to me about it, we only talked about household operations basically like who is doing the dishes or taking the dog for a walk.
I became furious though when he left his phone on the counter and his sister sent a text. It said, “you two need to work this out but she’s being sensitive and far too needy like I’ve told you before when she does this.”
I told him it’s ridiculous to be called needy for wanting to address problems and yes I admitted I was most hurt that he had no problem talking to his sister about our issues but could never talk to me… AND THEY’RE NOT EVEN CLOSE!
They only started talking regularly about a year and a half ago.
He said I’m being toxic and trying to stop him from having a relationship with his sister and that there’s nothing wrong with venting to her.
AITJ for telling him that our problems are not his sister’s business especially if he won’t even talk to me first or at all?”
Another User Comments:
“INFO. Impossible to tell from what you have said. And I suspect that neither you nor he could give enough info for “the internet” to make a reasonable judgment. Is he shutting down because he feels like he can’t talk to you, even tho he can talk to other people?
Or is he shutting down because that’s his habit with everyone? I suspect this is complicated and needs to be worked out in therapy, not here. And put the marriage plans on hold.” kn0tkn0wn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. DUMP HIM. you will ALWAYS have problems with someone who isn’t able to communicate to solve disagreements that arise.
The silent treatment is toxic AF. Please learn from my experience and get the heck outta there otherwise what happened here will continue to occur. Staying with him will cause just the shell of who you are to remain. You’ll be afraid of disagreeing with him out of fear of him acting like and saying this.” aeryn97
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You guys need some ground rules for fighting. One to two-hour cool-down period. Then try texting the issue out. He gets his space and feels more in control of his words. You get the lines of communication open to start working on a solution to the issue.
The benefit of this would be a clear dialogue to show your therapist and each other to hold the other person accountable for their words. No “venting” to an outside person unless it’s the therapist. At least until there’s trust built up from both sides that you are both giving an accurate account of the situation.
No personal attacks. One problem at a time. Use “I” statements. Avoid “always” and “never”. (I feel like I am doing more chores. Not “You never take out the trash.”) But from an outsider’s perspective, it seems like he’s already checked out of the relationship.
And he’s not able to give you the support that you need. You need to ask yourself if this relationship is really worth it.” Llyndreth
10. AITJ For Not Taking The Blame For My Cousin's Illegal Substances?
“I 29 (f) got a call from my cousin 36 (f) to come pick her up and drop her off at her partner’s house.
Unknown to me, she had that illegal substance on her person. We got to her partner’s house and it’s getting raided by police. We immediately were told to pull over to the side and I, freaking out, did.
My cousin quickly pulled the illegal substance out of her shirt and said here take it!
I was panicking and saying no!
She said take it! They know I’m with him, if you don’t, I’m going to be going back to jail.
I freaked out and jumped out of my car. Doing that obviously caused suspicion and the cops approached us and I blurted out that she had illegal substances on her and tried to make me hide it.
My cousin immediately got arrested and I was so freaked out I was crying.
I didn’t have to go to court because she confessed and that cleared me. But it’s what’s happened afterward. I’m being called a coward and a snitch by my family and I should have covered for her, because now there is no chance she will ever be able to get her children back from the system, and if I got caught with the stuff it would have been my first offense and I wouldn’t have had as harsh a punishment as my cousin.
It’s making me feel guilty.”
Another User Comments:
“People are calling you a snitch for complying with the law? Pretty much your whole family is backing your cousin? Huge, huge NTJ. Never give your cousin a ride in your car again. Never give anyone else who might put you in the same situation in your car.
Sounds like it’s time to start building your own informal “family”, and leaving this toxic collection of humanity behind. Do it before they drag you down into their vortex.” billlevansatmariposa
Another User Comments:
“Wait a minute. I need to get this straight in my head… Your grown 36-year-old cousin, with a substance dealer partner and kids already in the system, had you driving her around (unbeknownst to you) with substances on her person?
…and then this grown adult, 4 years from a 40-year-old person, had you drive to the substance dealing partner’s house in the middle of a raid, got caught with substances, and wanted YOU, the driver of the vehicle, to take the fall for this? … and she’s upset because her irresponsible behind got herself arrested, lost her kids for real for real this time, AND is angry at you for not taking the fall for her dumb behind AND the rest of the family AGREES WITH HER??!?!
Let me tell you, if this is not a sign from God, the Universe, the ancestors, and whomever else we need to call on get your crap together and escape from your toxic behind family, chileeee… if you don’t start putting yourself and your safety first, being a jerk will be the least of your problems. NTJ.” happylukie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. “I’m being called a coward and a snitch by my family and I should have covered for her because now there is no chance she will ever be able to get her children back from the system, and if I got caught with the stuff it would have been my first offense and I wouldn’t have had as harsh a punishment as my cousin.” First off, if your cousin cared about her children she wouldn’t have illegal substances on her in the first place.
Second, it doesn’t matter if it would have been your “first offense” you would ALWAYS have that it on your record. Substance possession is a serious offense and it will impact your life FOREVER. Additionally, with the way she tried to give it to you, you would’ve also had a “distribution” charge as well.
Your family is extremely toxic and manipulative. For them “FAMILY” only matters when it benefits them at the expense of others. Blood is thicker than water because it can carry the deadliest disease known to mankind.” Careful-Listen2277
9. AITJ For Not Giving My Fiance The Reward For "Finding" My Lost Dog?
“I (29M) have a dog (3F) that I adopted when I graduated from college. I got settled into a nice apartment and saw her ad online. She is a lab mix and very friendly. She loves anyone that she meets. My fiance (34F) and I have been together for a little over 2 years.
She is not a huge fan of dogs but does tolerate mine.
I had to go away on a work trip and fiance insisted that she would watch my dog while I was gone. I gave her some food and a leash. I let her know that she must have her on a leash when outside.
I go away on my trip and get a text that my dog has run away. I come back and my fiance is in tears saying she took her out and she slipped out of her collar.
I quickly put up flyers and posted something online.
I was giving $100 as a reward. The next day, I get a text message from someone that they saw a woman drop a dog off at the local nature trail and they had her at their home. I went to pick her up and gave them the money.
I texted my fiance that we needed to talk. She came over and I started laying into her. She then asked for the reward as she had known her location all along.
I refused to give her any money and shouted at her to get out.
She is blowing up my phone begging for forgiveness and her sister is texting me calling me a jerk and a jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What the heck so the fiancee lied to you in an attempt to get $100 or get rid of the dog or both?
That’s scary. If she needed money then communicate that. If she is trying to get rid of the dog, which is what it sounds like, that is nasty and controlling behavior to force you and your dog into that and to just leave the dog out on a trail?
GET OUT NOW WHILE YOU STILL CAN and before you have any other reason to stay in a toxic relationship. It’s unlikely that behavior stops with just the dog and even if it is just the dog then it’s just going to escalate in attempts to get rid of the poor dog and you aren’t able to trust your fiancee alone with the dog anymore.” Lurus01
Another User Comments:
“The number of times I see posts here (I’ve seen dog, cat, spider, and snake so far) where the partner didn’t like the animal and waited until they were out of town to dump them is TOO MANY. It makes me afraid to live with anyone and go out of town.
It is NEVER okay to do this. Omg wth is wrong with people? It’s a swift and immediate EJECT from the relationship for me. NTJ.” Consistent-Hunt5466
Another User Comments:
“WTF? She abandoned your dog. Your dog could have been killed. It could have been taken by someone who refused to give it back.
And now she expects money? If she knew the location the whole time she should have told you. You can’t trust her now, especially not with your dog. NTJ.” ComprehensiveBand586
8. AITJ For Using Sign Language To Avoid Conversations While Sick?
“I’m not a very religious person, I am a Christian and live in a relatively upper-middle-class area. A while back I learned sign language to talk to a deaf friend of mine but eventually forgot after they moved away.
Recently, some missionaries of varying religions have been coming by my house and asking me to join their churches. The first 10 or so times it was fine, but now I’ve been feeling under the weather and I just want people away from me as soon as possible.
So I picked up sign language again to communicate with my sore throat and to get them to go away when they thought I couldn’t talk to them.
I was telling this to a friend across a call the other day and he said I’m a huge jerk because I’m belittling people who are actually mute or deaf.
I didn’t intend that but I realize it could’ve come off that way, was I wrong to learn sign language to not have to talk with people? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I’d really like to know what definition of “belittle“ we’re working with here.
Also, if you’re in the US, don’t assume that all Deaf people are also mute. My experience is that very few of them are, and I was taught in Deaf Culture class while studying to be a sign language interpreter that they hate being called mute.
As a side note, my parents put up a “no religious pilgrims“ sign at their door. It was ugly but it worked.” Isawonline
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but also why are you answering the door? Feeling under the weather or not? If I’m not expecting anyone, I don’t answer the door.
Not even for the delivery person, or mail person or anyone. I think it’s strange to open your house to strangers—delivery folks or whoever leave notes or messages if they need to reach you for whatever reason. Don’t answer the door and you won’t have to deal with them anymore!
Solved.” FishingPitiful
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I’ve had similar problems of people repeatedly trying to convert me to their fandom when I’ve been out walking or doing yard work. It gets old. A lot of times the usual approach of politely declining repeatedly wasn’t enough to get them to back off.
I don’t blame you for trying that approach. I speak more than one language and when I speak a non-native one, it’s not me pretending to be from that language’s country of origin. If someone assumes that someone using a language means they’re automatically from a certain place or part of a certain group, that’s on them.” paul_rudds_drag_race
7. AITJ For Leaving A Gathering After My Friends Tried To Trick Me Into Drinking?
“I (23M) am a recovering heavy drinker. I haven’t had a drink in a bit over a year. Being sober is very important to me and I don’t want to ever drink again.
Anyway, my friends from high school invited me over to one of their houses, I was conflicted at first but I hadn’t seen them in a while so I said whatever and went. I found out they were drinking when I showed up, which I expected and didn’t really mind because I’m at the point where I’m comfortable going to events with booze.
Anyway, they kept asking me if I was gonna drink and I told them no and explained why but they didn’t get it. Eventually, after they realized I wouldn’t change my mind they shut up about it for a bit.
I asked my friend who was hosting if he could grab me a water so he came with a Poland spring bottle.
When I opened it I didn’t hear the cap click so I got sketched out and I smelled it and it was booze. I told him that was so not cool and just got up and left. I got a bunch of texts saying it was “just a joke” but I ignored them.
When I got home I told my partner who’s also in recovery about it and she said I should never hang out with them again. I thought that might be a little far but I think they were very in the wrong.
They seem to think I was the jerk for apparently overreacting though?
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. These people are NOT your friends. This is NOT a joke. This could have put you back at square one. This was NOT an overreaction. They were very MUCH in the wrong. Your partner is right. You should NOT hang out with them again.
They will take this as a personal challenge to get you to drink again. They have nothing to lose and you have EVERYTHING to lose!” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When I was in the Marines, I came home on leave and decided to see some friends from HS.
Now a little bit about me: I smoked A LOT in HS, all my friends know this, and they also knew I dabbled with other substances from time to time. But I cleaned up my life for military service. I was homeless when I joined, I had nothing, but now I had the chance to better my life and all I had to do was stay clean.
At the party, I was invited to do substances and politely declined…then same thing. First, it started with peer pressure, “Come on everyone’s doing it you HAVE to!” Then it escalated, someone tried to trick me into it (“I swear it’s just a brownie!”) and I up and left. What they did was messed up, just like these “friends”.
I only spoke with one of them again. Amazingly, it was the guy who had initiated everything, but I spoke/hung out with him again because he apologized profusely and promised to respect my boundaries in the future, a promise he has kept. My advice for you?
Avoid them. They don’t care about you. Even if they were just doing it because they were tipsy, they need to be able to respect boundaries. If you talk to anyone from that party again, only do so with an apology and a promise from them that they will respect your boundaries.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely not the jerk. There are many reasons why people become heavy drinkers and even more reasons why people stop drinking and recover from this. I am not a heavy drinker so do not have the experience of recovering from it, but I am a smoker and have tried to quit many times.
I don’t know if it’s the same but in my attempt to quit I get to the point where I am comfortable being around others smoking and do not need to, but if someone were to offer me one I would not have the willpower to say no. You had great willpower to not drink when they attempted to trick you into drinking it and I would not take that as a joke.
That is wrong on so many levels and they should all be ashamed of themselves.” Fun-Two-1414
6. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For My Mom's Shopping With My First Paycheck?
“I’m 15 and just got my first job, I got $30 as it was the first day and I was only working about 2 hours. Anyway, I was planning on spending my money this afternoon to get new stuff for my room, bedsheets, a clock, and some decor.
As I was going to the shops my mum asked if she could come with me, saying she needed to get some stuff too.
So she came with me and we went around, I got my things and was looking at clothes with her. As we got to the checkout she put her stuff down and expected me to pay for it, I asked what she meant.
She looked at me like I did something wrong and said “you should spend it on me since it’s only your first pay, you don’t deserve the money anyways since I got my friend to get you the job”. I looked at her dumbfounded and said no, telling her I’m paying for my own things as I earned the money, and she got all upset at me, she had to end up paying for her stuff with her own money as I did mine.
Now we’re home and she’s not talking to me and is still mad at me for this. I know she’s my mum but she has more money than me and can pay for her own things, and I don’t think I should have to pay for her things whether her friend got me the job or not.
Am I the jerk for this?”
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ! Your mom is still supposed to provide basic things for you and you don’t owe her anything, especially when she acts like that. I am so tired of parents thinking they should be rewarded for doing the very basic for their kids.
She chose to birth you, you didn’t force her to have children. I read your comment about wanting to get her something as a thank you… I agree with the other commenter that you shouldn’t because it won’t mean the same thing anymore. She will most likely tell you it isn’t enough or gaslight you about it.
But you should tell her that you were going to get her something really special with it, but you aren’t now because of the way she is behaving. Honestly, it sounds like you are the adult in this relationship. You are really smart to make sure your money is not accessible by her.” JeanJean84
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and congratulations for the first job! Her comment about how “you don’t deserve the money anyway since I got my friend to get you the job” is ridiculous. As a thanks I would maybe gift the friend something for the opportunity but that’s it.
Nothing for the mother. If she were nicer I would have suggested maybe a lil coffee date between mother and child as a show of appreciation but reading her response and seeing your comments about how she’s not nice she can have dirt. At this point, I think it’ll be best to continue doing your own thing or think about slowly gaining more independence now that you have your own money.
It won’t be much and you’re still quite young but it’s a start. I don’t know if you rely on her for transport to places either or if you can commute publicly. Her behavior is appalling. It’s your first time earning your own money!
You should be prioritised when it comes to your money not her. Do be careful though. I don’t know what it’s like to live with a manipulative family member so as much as I’d like to give my advice, use it as a vague guideline.
I hope your situation improves OP.” -pls_hold_my_hand-
Another User Comments:
“I see that you have gotten your own bank account. I’d recommend you get a second one, with another bank and hide the card well. Never tell your mum about this one and transfer money across regularly.
Depending on if your mum snoops, withdraw cash and physically walk it to the other bank and deposit it. Have a ready excuse, like “$50 is just enough for a movie ticket with snacks and lunch at the food court.” Then google movies so you know the plot.
Basically, anything disposable, don’t say you bought a book or clothes or you will need evidence. NTJ. It is your money. As you are earning now, you may be required to pay some expenses or board, but your mum can’t just randomly demand all your money.
Oh, and another thing, everyone expects kids to be bad with money – play on this. Act clueless and always be ‘broke.’ Never brag about your money. But do your best to learn as much about money and how to splurge occasionally while still saving most of it.
The real world is harsh, and the bigger cushion you have when you hit it, the better.” saran1111
5. AITJ For Choosing To Bury My Late Wife In My Family Plot Instead Of Next To Her First Husband?
“My wife died three months ago suddenly after 9 years of marriage. I was in charge of her funeral arrangements. We had one daughter together (f8) and her two kids from her previous marriage (m16 and f14) that I adopted.
I had discussed her burial spot with my stepchildren and told them I wanted her buried in my family plot where I intend to be buried one day.
My stepson said she would’ve wanted to be buried next to his biological father and her previous husband who died 12 years ago. My stepdaughter said she didn’t care either way. I didn’t want to disagree with my stepson on something like this so I looked into the cemetery where her previous husband was buried but found out there was only one adjoining plot next to his grave and no plot adjoining the adjoining plot, meaning that I can’t be buried there one day.
I told this to my stepson, that I can’t bear to not one day be laid to rest beside her. I know she loved her previous husband deeply, but she loved me as well. And I’ve only ever loved her and only ever will.
He didn’t agree and said she had always hoped to be reunited with her previous husband. We were at complete loggerheads over this but in the end, it was my call and I made it. He was so upset with me and still is.
He earlier said he needed time to get past this and now says he needs me to apologize. My stepdaughter thinks we shouldn’t be having this fight because it doesn’t matter what happens to anyone’s body once they die. I want to apologize to him but I don’t think I’ll mean it.
Even now I think it would’ve pained my heart so much if I’d listened to him.”
Another User Comments:
“Have you considered that she could be buried next to her first husband and after your death, you could be cremated and the ashes buried in the same plot?
That is what my husband’s family did when his stepdad died and there was no room for another grave in the family plot. The cemetery was willing to put a flat marker where his ashes were buried since the plot already had a tombstone for my husband’s mom.
His dad is also buried in the family plot, but when the plots were purchased, the family hadn’t taken into account that his mom might remarry after his dad’s death.” Leading-Knowledge712
Another User Comments:
“No one is a jerk here. This is an impossible choice.
The boy was 4 when his father died. He had absolutely no idea that’s what his mother would have wanted. He was 7 when you both got married, assuming that his father was out of the picture before the marriage. He’s going off the flawed logic that “duh my mother wanted to be reunited.” Take it with a grain of salt because an angry 16-year-old will say anything to hurt you to force your hand.
Apologize, if you choose, simply for the fact that not everyone can have their way. Sit and discuss further options. Ask him why he feels so strongly about this and maybe see what underlying issues may be there. But don’t apologize for enforcing things. She gave you the power to choose for a reason.
Don’t doubt the wife because of a grieving child.” Voyd991
Another User Comments:
“As a mom, I’d want my kids’ wishes honored first. That would actually be really important to me bc I’ll be gone, but I brought them into this world and now they’re suffering and grieving.
I’d want to lighten that load for them before anyone else. That’s just me and that’s not everyone, so it really depends on who your wife wanted to be heard the most since you don’t know what she actually wanted for herself.
I’m not going to vote bc I’m obviously biased, but I understand that it’s not that way for everyone so I want to leave space for your wife in case she would’ve viewed it differently. I’m also not saying my way is the right way, there is no correct answer beyond what you believe is true to your wife.
If you knew your wife well though, you should know the answer. Was being joined with you more important? Or would she want her children to feel heard specifically (even if it’s only important to one of them)? Or would it be most important to her that you two find a compromise?
Think about your wife and you’ll figure it out.” Glitch427119
4. AITJ For Refusing Financial Support From My Ex While Pregnant?
“I’m 22 weeks pregnant with my ex’s child. We broke up before I was pregnant and I made the decision not to reconcile once I found out. Everybody around me has been trying to convince me I’m making a huge mistake and that I need my ex’s support but I’ve been mostly ignoring them.
My ex has been trying to give me money and move me to a nicer place since he found out I was pregnant. I’ve told him no multiple times but he keeps trying to convince me. My parents are on his side and have told him about things I don’t have that they all think I should have.
At first, I thought my parents were buying me these things but now that I know the truth, I’ve refused to accept any more gifts from them or let them in my home.
I had a huge fight with them and my ex recently because I feel like they’re all treating me like a charity case and ignoring the fact that I’m an adult who can look after myself without his help.
When I said that to them, though, they all got angry and defensive. They said they cared about me and the baby and that’s why they were helping and I was overreacting. My parents kept defending my ex which upset me more and more.
I ended up telling my ex that money can’t buy forgiveness, which is a sore spot for him. Now he’s upset with me and so are my parents so I was wondering if I’m at fault here.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. However, if you’re giving birth to your ex’s kid, then he is financially obligated to help with the kid.
And you should hold him to that. It isn’t the decision of your parents for you to forgive your ex. They’re overstepping here. They should be focused on being supportive of you, not trying to stress you out by encouraging you to do something you don’t want to do.
If they care so much about you and your pregnancy, they shouldn’t be harming you and your pregnancy by adding to your stress levels. And maybe you should tell them so, or point it out since they seem to not have noticed.” jammy913
Another User Comments:
“NTJ however, you need to take his money. Just do it as part of a court-supervised child support order with appropriate custody/visitation terms (appropriate to what you desire and the court approves. If you really really don’t need the money then put it into a savings for the child for school or whatever.
Or even split it and put some in an emergency fund and the rest in savings for the child. doing this is the adult and responsible thing. You don’t want to risk that he’ll try to get custody (so you do it first) or that something might happen and you lose your job etc and need the support but it takes months to get it or he can use it then to get custody.
Go now, ask for say full custody and he can have something like Sunday afternoon visits for 2 hours to be decided once you have the baby on a reasonable napping schedule but not before the child is 3 months old. no overnights will be discussed until the child is at least 2 years old (or whatever).
But you’ll be open to discussing longer weekly visits when the child is 1 (or whatever).” Annual-Contract-115
Another User Comments:
“You don’t have to hold an all-or-nothing mentality about it. Formalize a monthly support agreement in liquid assets, as in money. Put it away as savings for your child’s college fund.
If your parents want to be nosey, tell them that’s what you want, not gifts. You can accept the money for your kid and not for yourself. Do not move into a place where he pays rent or accept gifts in lieu of money, especially if it was controlling behaviors that caused the breakup.
You do not need to feel indebted or obligated about it. It’s his kid too, he is fulfilling his duty as a parent. It’s good for you to have a rainy day fund in case of emergencies, don’t cut off your nose to spite your face because you’re hurt and angry.
You will be glad that you have it when you need it. You might be pushing your family away due to what happened to you, you will need them around when you have a baby, so don’t alienate them. Don’t punish your kid because of his wrongdoing, your kid deserves financial stability.
NTJ.” SpiritualLuna
It's not clear whether you dumped him because of controlling behaviour or because of infidelity, but it sounds like he is willing to manipulate everyone else to get his own way, so make sure you are aware of all the law around separated parenting so he can't mislead you into obeying him.
3. AITJ For Not Thanking A Man Who Held The Door Open Too Early?
“I (35f) was walking down a long corridor. I am pregnant so I walk a bit slower than usual. I saw a guy in front of me holding the door open for me for no reason.
I had to run 30+ meters to get to the door so he didn’t have to wait. Now I am breathless, smiled (nervously) and walked past him, as he gestured. He said ‘why not a thank you?’
I am now confused… Well, I didn’t ask you to hold the door, I can perfectly do it.
I had to rush and you created this situation for both of us… And now asking for a thank you! Women can open doors by themselves. My hands were free. Am I being a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I had a guy pull a similar stunt recently.
He walked super slowly and blocked the door, then held it open for his friend and me. Got mad for not being thanked when I wasn’t even through the door yet. I got a weird vibe, so I didn’t choose to engage with him directly.
Men often do this to get an excuse to talk to women, then they get upset if the woman doesn’t fall all over them. You don’t have to talk to a strange man, for any reason. That’s just a basic personal safety principle, to only engage with strangers when you feel comfortable.
He’s just messing with your head to make you feel like you owe him attention. Pay him no mind.” Secret-Mammoth7179
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Yes, some of us do want to just be left alone in public. We do not want to be forced to engage with people in awkward, weird ways where we’re expected to be grateful for the choices those others made.
This is definitely a situation where the guy was being weird for holding the door when you were that far away, and his snark was just obnoxious. If you can’t understand a smile as a thank you, you need to get lessons on how to be a decent human.
OP, I don’t know if this is your first child, but if it is, start schooling yourself to allow awkward situations to be awkward. You will run into tons more moving through the world with a baby, and developing the ability to make others own the weirdness they create via their expectations of you or your child is key to being a supportive parent who helps their child set appropriate boundaries with others.” jaded-introvert
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I was once running from my car to the mall. I was freezing and had my hands stuffed in my coat sleeves heading for the automatic doors so I didn’t have to take my hands out. I was about 2 meters from the door and noticed a guy holding a door open, but my hands were freezing and I didn’t want to take them out to grab the door.
I’m already heading to the automatic doors and the guy called me a stuck-up witch. I was too shocked to say anything. It was freezing, it was winter and I was already heading to the automatic doors. I didn’t notice him until I was just about to go through the door.
On the flip side, I’ve waited to hold a door open for someone, but I never expect a thank you, some people just give a simple nod of their head.” Feisty_Advisor3906
2. AITJ For Not Wanting My Partner To Travel With A Guy Interested In Her?
“My (20M) partner (21F) is on an exchange program for 6 months so it’s an LDR. While she was there, she met this guy who’s also on an exchange program and after a few interactions have shown an interest in my partner.
It could honestly have been mistaken for banter but honestly, even my partner thinks he has a slight interest in her and he has even joked about chasing her.
Now the issue is, my partner wants to go on a trip with him because all of her roommates won’t be at home for a while and she wants to travel around the country instead of being alone at home, or else she feels like she has wasted this opportunity provided by the exchange program to be able to travel around so often.
She doesn’t want to be alone at home and she can’t travel alone because it can be quite dangerous (and I agree with her). The guy wants to travel during this period so he offered to travel together with her to another country for a week.
I have commitments in my home country so I can’t travel with her during this period either.
So AITJ for not letting her go on this trip? I trust her but I do not trust the guy at all. I don’t think anything will happen from this trip as well but it makes me feel uncomfortable.
Am I being insecure here? I understand that from her POV it is just a trip with a friend, and she really wants to go on a trip before the exchange program ends.”
Another User Comments:
“This post triggered me. Ages ago, my ex (partner at the time) worked with this guy who traveled all over the place and he ended up booking a cruise to the Greek Isles for him and a buddy.
That buddy bailed and through conversation, he offered the other pass to her. She was super excited about the opportunity, and I couldn’t afford it at the time, so even though I also didn’t love the idea, I didn’t want to take that away from her.
Turns out there was no buddy. This guy had designs on taking her all along and lied about the accommodations (one large bed instead of two, the whole thing). In the end, my partner made bad choices and we’re not together anymore for that very reason, on top of the fact that she lied about it for months afterward.
The point here is that you need to be open, honest, and communicate. Trust me, if she has no interest in this guy, nothing will happen, and if it does, it’s because she had an interest already. But you can’t tell her she can’t live her life.
She doesn’t owe that to you.” Forsaken_Bat_5729
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, all these people calling you a jerk and telling you you don’t own her (you don’t, but that’s not relevant here because you aren’t acting like you do) are missing the fact that this is a guy who even she admits seems into her.
How would anyone be okay with that? Also, from what you said, you aren’t actually forbidding her from going or telling her so, just voicing your incredibly reasonable feelings that it makes you uncomfortable, as is your right. It is also her right to go anyway, and in the event that she does- I would seriously reconsider your relationship.
Yes, you are still your own free person in a relationship, but you are also not free to walk all over your partner’s feelings when they are within reason. I don’t see how you’re being unreasonable here.” 13carbon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but honestly, this is a no-win situation.
You don’t want to control her, but she’s also not taking your feelings into account. She told you this guy has a slight interest in her. Ask yourself why she told you that? Was it for full disclosure (honesty) or to see your reaction? I’m sorry, but a person in a committed relationship, wouldn’t go on a trip with someone of the opposite sex, knowing that person has an interest in them, if they too didn’t have some kind of attraction.
You say you trust her, but not him. Do you really trust her? If you did you wouldn’t be here. Sorry, but she can either take trips alone, find a group to travel with for safety reasons, or be a big girl and stay at home alone.
We all do it.” WillLoveCoffee4Ever1
1. AITJ For Revoking My Sister's Access To My Peloton Account After Her Financial Situation Improved?
“Earlier this year, my sister had a miscarriage and to help her get through it I offered to let her use my Peloton account (~$40 a month). She was unable to afford an actual peloton bike, so we found her an “off-brand” so she could use the app but still get exercise and cope with her recent loss.
Fast forward 4-5 months later her husband has gotten a much higher paying job, and she is now feeling better and putting herself on the job market again.
I got a call yesterday that they had Peloton people at their house and were putting together the Peloton tread (for those unfamiliar about $2300-2500).
She then asked for my info so they could program my account info into the tread because, as she told me “if I don’t have to pay $40 a month, I don’t want to.”
In talking to my husband we were both pretty irritated that she had assumed it would be ok if she assumed it would be OK if they used our account without asking first.
Later in the day, I noticed she was able to hook up my account to her new tread. I texted her to vocalize the concern I had (the assumption it was ok to use our account/ that we would continue to pay despite the fact that circumstances had changed), and she shot back with the fact that she bought the tread and now couldn’t use the account.
So…. Am I the jerk for offering my account when she was in need/couldn’t afford it but now “taking it away” given her circumstances have changed?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, as someone who pays for accounts yet no one ever returns the favor I know how you feel.
It’s frustrating paying for something and instead of getting like her HBO Max account info, you get nothing. She should have said she would split the cost with you so it would be a win-win for both of you. I’m so sick of paying for everyone’s accounts.” Nellie–
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I don’t get why you don’t just share, it’s not like it costs you anything, do you think this company doesn’t have enough money or something?” RedMarsRepublic
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Why doesn’t she get herself on a marketplace and look for a cheap or free exercise bike?
Peloton is a scam anyway why pay 40 a month when you can just get a normal one and use it for free.” joemorl
