People Are Stuck Wondering "Am I The Jerk?" In These Stories
21. AITJ For Not Sharing Who I Really Am Before Agreeing To A Mortage On My Parent's House?
“Throwaway account because some family members know my main account name on here. The details in the post should be enough to identify me if they stumble upon this post, but my sister has, in the past, looked up my post history and used it against me.
Back story
In 2009, my fiancée and I were renting an apartment when my grandmother went into a rehabilitation facility after a fall. My family was pretty sure she wouldn’t be coming back home, and they asked my fiancee and me to move in. They told us at this time that we would be renting from them under the terms:
– They would charge us a rental fee equal to the mortgage amount, no more and no less (so we were basically paying the mortgage but the house wasn’t in our name and we can’t claim it on our taxes)
– When we were ready to buy, they would sell the house to us at [Market Value – 10% – {however much we had paid in rent so far}]
– If something ever happened to them, they would leave the house to us in their will.
In 2011, we got married (yay!) and we were going to start saving up to buy the house. They told us at this point that they realized they couldn’t fulfill the terms of the “MV-10%-paid” plan they previously suggested, that they would lose too much moolah.
We would just have to pay market value. ($130k) We asked the price, they told us, and we balked. We said it was out of our price range ($80-100k) and we would be looking around.
We contacted a realtor, got preapproved, we were going through a first-time homebuyer class that, if completed, would pay our down payment and closing costs (up to $5000) on the house.
Once my mom found out, she got really worried. She said she wanted us to stay in this house.
A point relevant to the story that is important and complicates matters that I had neglected to mention to this point is that our house is next door to their house. We share a yard (and we’re not really outdoor people so their use of our yard is like 95% to 5% compared to our own), they have two sheds in our yard for storage, my father keeps a bunch of stuff in our basement and my mother keeps a bunch of stuff in our attic, so clearly they have an interest in not wanting us to move beyond just “I want my kid next door to me” Anyway, moving on…
We reminded them that we could not afford the house at the price they were asking for and were going to have to look elsewhere. Eventually, my mom told us to stop looking for houses; that they would do “whatever it takes to get you this house.”
The deal they were offering was: They would sell the house to us at $130,000, with a $30,000 gift of equity.
That GoE would be our down payment on the house, which would allow us to avoid PMI and would put our loan amount at $100,000 (which was within our price range). We accepted.
Going through the home buying process, our lender had a house appraiser come out and appraise it. The house appraised for 120k (10k less than what their appraiser said). They weren’t happy but still agreed to go through with the deal rather than have us look elsewhere.
In April of 2014, we became homeowners. Everything was going fine, until…
Recent events
Early last month I came out to my mom as transgender. I’ve felt this way for a while but had been scared to tell her. I was afraid they might kick us out of the house if they knew, which was why we wanted to move first. We accepted the deal on this house because it was a good deal; we wouldn’t have accepted it otherwise.
My mom has been taking it rough. When I first told her, she seemed fine, but she later said that she was in shock. Eventually, she asked me if I knew [that I was transgender] before they sold us the house. I said yes. She accused me of deceiving them and screwing them and ripping them off. I asked, “If I had told you when we were renting, would you have kicked us out?” She said yes.
She later rescinded that “yes”, said she didn’t mean it; she was angry. She apologized, but still insisted upon how we tricked/screwed/deceived her. I asked, “Would you have sold me the house if I had told you before you did?” She said no.
To this point, we hadn’t told my dad, yet. Whenever I brought it up, she shot it down, saying he should “go to his grave without ever finding out about this” and other such things.
Meanwhile, she was smoking heavily, and drinking heavily, and she repeatedly dropped hints that she might be doing other illegal substances but I don’t know if they were true or bluffing.
Last week and Sunday
Last week, she said she wanted everyone to sit down together and we were going to tell my dad. That was scheduled for the Sunday that just passed (7/20). At the table were my mom and dad, my dad’s pastor, my sister and her husband, me and my wife, my mother-in-law and her son (my wife’s brother).
I told him, to which he admitted that he knew, he had known for a month (My mom told him) and the pastor had been counseling him for the past month.
He immediately dove into the matter of the house, that they felt deceived, and that I needed to “make it right”. I told him “When we’re ready to move, I will sell you the house back.” “At the same deal we gave you?” “Yes”
He says “Good. That makes me feel better. That’s water under the bridge.” and we begin talking about me for a bit…
Eventually, though, it comes back to the house. He insists that we must sell it back to them before 12/1 of this year, otherwise they will have to pay capital gains tax on the income they made on the house if they do not reinvest it, and they will need that money to afford to buy the house back.
He says we can go back to renting from them, under the condition that “you don’t escalate the situation or try to throw it in our face.”
When pressed for details, he was basically saying that he doesn’t want to see me “dressed like that” or “acting like that.” I pointed out that I’ve been going out in public like this for the past three years and they haven’t noticed. The pastor chimes in by asking my father “What if you do run into him by accident, then what?” (still using a male pronoun for me) My father says “I can let it go, ONCE.” I ask “So what happens after once, then what?” And he just sort of deflects.
I asked for examples of “rubbing it in his face” that I wouldn’t be allowed to do, he doesn’t want to see “any rainbow stickers on your car” and was a huge stickler about when I said “sometimes I take the trash out at night in a skirt, but you’re usually in bed that late” to which he keeps pushing that I need to get changed if I do this, just in case he comes outside and sees me.
I tell them I can’t agree to these terms, and there’s a dispute where they insult me for ‘changing my mind’ (paraphrase) when I make it clear that I said I’d sell it back when we were ready to move and that I could not possibly come up with enough money to buy a house by December (even, and I’m being extremely generous, if I could come up with $500 a month in savings, every month, for five months, that’s still barely half of a down payment) short of winning the lottery.
I tell them we could be ready to move in 2-3 years, this is unacceptable to them, they’re pushing that December 1st deadline on me, HARD.
Events over this week
My mother called me on Monday to try to persuade me to change my mind and I declined. She called my wife and talked to her as well but didn’t get anywhere.
She called me again on Tuesday to try to persuade me again with no luck.
She says to me,”Your wife came to me in tears and sat there on my couch and PROMISED me you would make it right. Are you going to honor your wife’s promise or not?” I tell her I will need to talk to my wife.
My wife vehemently denies it. The following transpired in a separate room on Sunday, while I was still chatting one on one with the Pastor after everyone else had left the room.
“I was on the couch, she came to me and asked me to sell them the house back. I said we would, but I didn’t say when or how and I was NOT crying.”
You’d think this was one of those hearsay moments but as luck would have it, she and I were having some friends over after the family talk, and one of them showed up early and came next door (my mother let them in), so they were sitting right there on the couch next to my wife.
I called them and they confirmed my wife’s account of the events, insisting that my mom was full of crap.
At this point, my wife doesn’t want to talk to or see my mom, and my mother-in-law gets wind of it and is pretty livid, too.
On Wednesday, my mom calls my wife as soon as I leave for work. My wife didn’t answer, so my mom comes next door, lets herself in, and begins a conversation (less a conversation and more a “I’m going to talk and you’re going to listen”) with my wife.
Now, my wife is the sweetest person ever. If you were so inclined, she’d let you walk all over her and apologize for being so lumpy. She tells me, “It’s a good thing I was at the top of the stairs and she was at the bottom, cause otherwise, I would have slapped her.” In the seven years I’ve known this woman, only one other time have I ever seen her this angry.
My mother-in-law told me that my mom apparently left her a message. She played it back to me; it was a combination of snippets of truth, peppered with distortions of things I had said reworded into things I hadn’t, and ended with “I’m sorry my son is ruining your daughter’s life.”
The current situation
My parents don’t even want to talk about “the transgender thing” until I “make it right.” If I don’t sell them the house before 12/1, they probably won’t be a part of my life anymore, and if they will, it’ll be a wreck, considering I still have to live next door to them.
My sister has been remaining mostly neutral but she’s siding with them in that if I don’t give them what they want, she won’t want me around either. (Although she has added that “if you do give them what they want and they try to screw you, I won’t be talking to them, either).
Am I the jerk? So I deceived them by not telling them I was transgender before they sold me the house.
Have I basically made my bed and now I need to lie in it? Or are they being unreasonable by expecting me to sell it back so quickly? Who is the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“Your parents are the jerks here. You didn’t deceive them. If they sold that house to someone else could they demand that person sell it back if they didn’t like something they did?
That would never happen. It would be harassment. Get all their stuff off your property, change the locks, and if they won’t leave you alone get a no-contact order from the police. The taxes are not your problem it’s theirs. They have been taking advantage of you and your wife from the start. They should be controlling and manipulative. It can be harder to see when you are used to this behavior from them, but what they are doing is not okay.
I wouldn’t allow any communication until they can act reasonably. That may be a few weeks or that may be never. If they refuse to accept you for who you are then any heartache that comes from the situation is on them.” Viperbunny
Another User Comments:
“No. You’re fine. Your parents need to calm down.” ILoveDirtyMuff
20. AITJ For Throwing Out The Junk Food My Addicted Parents Keep Bringing Home?
“My parents are diabetic, morbidly obese, and addicted to food.
I’m the same, minus the diabetes. I’ve been trying for a while to eat healthily and lose weight. So have they, but yet every time they go to the store, they bring home junk food.
I understand that it’s hard for them, but it’s also hard to stay on track with my healthier lifestyle when there’s junk food all around me.
Plus, they’re getting older, so it is crucial for them to get healthy now.
A few weeks ago, they brought home 4 bags of donuts, and I emptied each pack into the trash. Am I a jerk for this?”
Another User Comments:
“Yep. You’re the jerk. If you want to make the commitment to work hard on improving your health and your diet, then that is your job.
If those who live with you want to support you by changing their lifestyle, too, that would be fabulous. But, it’s not for you to dictate to them, or to throw away their property.
If you felt that throwing the donuts away is going to help your parents, I can tell you that is very unlikely, because: (A) Making one snack inconvenient is not going to change a lifelong eating pattern, and (B) Losing weight is a personal choice one has to commit to oneself.
In most cases, having your self-righteous kid start preaching to you like he’s smarter than you and knows better is really unlikely to motivate you in the right direction.
Have a talk with your parents. Tell them what this means to you and ask if they want to support you and try to live healthier themselves. If they say “no”, do it yourself and lead by example, but don’t throw out their stuff.” flignir
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna go ahead and disagree with the majority and say that they’re the jerks (you may be a bit too, but…).
I’ll first make the assumption that you’re obese as a result of growing up in a household of food addicts. They passed their addiction on to you. By analogy, would I be angry if two boozers who made their kid a boozer kept bringing in booze when he was trying to quit?
Yes. Would I say I completely understand the response of throwing away said booze? Yes.
It may well be that they don’t understand that their habits affect you too. It may benefit all of you to have a conversation about that. “Mom, because you won’t try and quit this, you’re not only killing yourself but also killing me.” Statements like that might just be jarring enough to shift someone from contemplating a change to actually wanting to do it.
But really, I don’t know your family dynamic, so I couldn’t say what sorts of things would/could influence their behavior. Maybe start slow (no soda?) or diet as a team (you’ll be in charge of buying the food, your mom will cook it, your dad will count the calories?). I kinda like the latter.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to go with yes, but with a caveat.
I think step 1 should be talking to your parents and explaining to them you really want to eat healthily and buying junk food like donuts to discourage you. However, you have to emphasize you think they can eat whatever they want, just try to keep it away from you.
Your parents are allowed to eat whatever they want. It’s sad, but if they want to eat poorly despite their health, there is nothing you can do other than plead with them to stop.
You can’t throw their food out; that needs to be their decision or it won’t work. My dad and brother have struggled with the bottle. Dumping their booze never worked but empathizing with them did.” WeWantBootsy
19. AITJ For Choosing To Not Go To My In-Law's Wedding?
“I don’t get along with my in-laws very well. A lot of it comes down to us being from different cultures, but most of my well-intended mistakes have been interpreted as offensive.
I do get along with my aunt & uncle-in-law and they’ve attempted to stick up for me to my in-laws.
My cousin-in-law is getting married in a few weeks. I get along with her but I’m not close to her. I’ve been dreading the wedding because interactions with my in-laws are always very stressful.
A month ago, my mom was diagnosed with extremely aggressive breast cancer.
She’s stage 4 with type 4 lymphoma. While the doctors have a lot of optimism, there’s a very real chance it could be fatal. The doctors are rushing her into treatment before the cancer metastasizes. Her second chemo treatment, the “bad one” as the doctors call it, is the same day as my cousin-in-law’s wedding.
My mom lives 400 miles away; my cousin-in-law is local.
My mom is terrified of chemo.
I planned on being there for all her chemo treatments since I telecommute and my boss has told me to be wherever I need to be in order to take care of my mom.
Last night, my wife asked me what suit I plan on wearing to her cousin’s wedding. I told her I’m not going because the wedding is the same weekend as one of my mom’s chemo treatments and I need to be there for my mom.
My wife told me she didn’t use an excuse for my cousin’s wedding.
(AITJ) #1: I angrily replied my wife was being unfair because no one in her family was dying of cancer when my cousin was getting married.
(AITJ) #2: My wife replied my mom isn’t dying, just very ill, so it would be selfish of me to take care of her. I told my wife she was being a jerk and walked away.
I’m struggling with the ethics on this one. I believe taking care of sick family always comes first no matter whose side of the family is sick. Is that a wrong thing to believe?”
Another User Comments:
“Your wife is definitely the jerk here, and I might have just said your wife was wrong but when she said your mom was not dying but just ill, yeah she’s a jerk.
I really hope the chemo works but saying she’s just ill is childish at best.
I lost my mom to breast cancer 20 years ago. The night before she died, my sister urged me to spend the night because she had a feeling Mom didn’t have long. My husband at the time wanted me to come home because his back hurt and he didn’t want to take care of our small children.
So glad I stayed because my mom passed a few hours later.
Bottom line: I’m not trying to make it about me. I’m just saying your wife should realize why it’s important to be with your mom.” Diarygirl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think it’s easy to see that your wife is being the jerk in this situation. But instead of talking about how much of a complete moron your wife seems to be, I am happy leaving the first discussion at “you are not the jerk” and moving on to far more important things, like your wife’s motivation.
Chemo/death of mom > crappy in-law wedding….of course..but I think it is really in your best interest to examine why your wife made the opposite judgment.
It makes sense that there may be internal familial affairs that you’re not aware of, or for one reason or another, she thinks this wedding is super freaking important. I don’t think it’s enough to say she’s just a jerk.
I think the way to solve this problem is to present to her why you think what you think and ask why she thinks what she thinks…because something tells me it’s not just some stupid reason that she wants you to miss your Mom’s chemo for; or it is a crappy reason and she is a fat jerk.” airsuperiorityblue
Another User Comments:
“Your wife was the jerk in this case.
I know what having a family member who has cancer feels like because my aunt and cousin have breast cancer and my grandma died of breast cancer. It is best if you stay with your mom for as long as possible because her seeing you are supporting her helps a lot.” bowmaster17
18. AITJ For Making A Comment About My Son's Girl's Weight?
“A couple of years ago, my 19-year-old son got a new gf. After I met her, I told my son (let’s call him Tyler) that I thought Katie was really sweet and smart and looked like she liked to eat. Ok, I know that sounds bad, but Tyler’s previous girl Dakota had a borderline eating disorder and refused to eat in front of anyone, and it always bothered me.
I mean, if Tyler invites you over for a holiday meal, at least sit at the table and play with your food. I guarantee no one would notice, but they will notice you sitting on the couch sulking.
But I digress (and I had to) for the rest to make sense. About a year later, Tyler and Katie were hanging out here and he tells her what I said.
She looked kind of upset, and I know she thought I was making a comment about her weight, but I swear I wasn’t. I explained the whole Dakota situation, which she should’ve understood because she knew her and hated her with a passion. I apologized and explained what I meant. I thought we were good.
Cut to three months later. I’m at work and get a text from Katie’s mom: “You’re a freaking bully!
How dare you talk to an 18-year-old child like that. You told my daughter she was a fat pig!”
What? She texts back: “You’re a sad pathetic jerk picking on a child.” This goes on and on. I mean, I thought we were friends. This literally came out of freaking nowhere!
I tried to explain that I love to cook, and I love when people come over and they like to eat.
I really don’t give a crap that the girl weighed 200 pounds. Whatever. My son loved her, so I loved her.
So am I a jerk for saying a girl looks like she likes to eat?”
Edit: I forgot to mention that later on, Katie’s mom said she’d call the cops because I was harassing her. I was ignoring most of her texts but at that point, I texted her my address and said please, call the police.
Needless to say, she didn’t.
Another User Comments:
“Look, I’m sure you know that teenage girls are sensitive about their weight. You shouldn’t have made the comment. Given the history, it would be understandable for you to say, after you’ve eaten together, that you’re glad that she likes to eat. But to say she looks like she likes to eat is a comment about her weight, no matter how you meant it.
Of course, she’d be upset about it.
However, we all make mistakes, and it sounds like you reacted appropriately when yours was exposed. You apologized and explained. If the text from Katie’s mom came 3 months later, I’m guessing Katie had her own reasons for bringing that up, which may have had nothing to do with you. And her mom obviously overreacted — there’s nothing that justifies those texts.
So no, I wouldn’t say you were the jerk. If it’s a competition, that title has to go to Katie’s mother. But you’re not squeaky clean.” flippy77
Another User Comments:
“You’re both jerks, but Katie’s mom is just nuts.
Although I understand why you said what you said and all of that good stuff, she’s a young woman for Pete’s sake. Almost every young woman is concerned about their weight and how others see them and judge them.
Even explaining that you came from an Italian and Lithuanian family, it still comes off wrong. Would you like it if someone said you “looked like you ate?” No, because it’s commenting on your LOOKS.
That being said, I don’t think you handled the aftermath horribly. At this point though, I would stop trying to explain yourself to the families unless someone asks for an explanation, as it just makes you look like you’re not owning up to your mistake.
Just apologize to Katie (I would suggest your son as well), and don’t bring it up again unless she wants to talk about it. Ignore her mother and continue being nice. You may want to be aware of how you handle the subject of her and food in the future, as in, don’t mention her eating habits, etc.
Her mom went off the rails, I agree.
I’d like to think if my mom heard some partner’s mom called me fat she’d stick up for me too, just not quite so crazily.” chLORYform
17. AITJ For Showing A Vegetarian A Video About Hot Dogs?
“A few years ago I attended a science camp as per my to my parent’s wishes.
I made the best of it and made some friends, one of which happened to be vegetarian. He never pushed his views on anyone and was a very funny and friendly person. He was a cool dude.
At any rate, one day in one of the camp “classes” we were using iPads to talk about dinosaurs. The lesson ended short, so the instructor gave us permission to look up videos on YouTube for the remainder of class (only a couple of minutes).
We were partners and just kind of looked at each other with no idea what to watch. I asked him if he wanted to watch something, and he said he didn’t care, and I didn’t know what to bring up on such short notice, but then something came to me.
Previous to my attendance at the camp, a friend showed me this odd video about spiral cutting hot dogs.
Forgetting this kid was vegetarian, I brought it up and had him watch it, eager to see his reaction. He was rather indifferent, and it was only later I remembered he was a vegetarian.
When I realized that, it was already too late to apologize to him as camp was over, but I still felt kind of bad about it for some reason, despite him never mentioning the incident.
Was using the little time we had to watch that video a jerk move? Just curious to see what you guys think.”
Another User Comments:
“I’ve been a vegan for many years. I couldn’t imagine any vegetarian getting offended by this. Meat consumption is ubiquitous, and vegetarians are used to seeing it prepared and consumed. If they act offended they’re newly vegetarian or full of crap (or have extreme and uncommon views).
I’ve been in many situations where people will try to be overly sympathetic to my values: “They have really good wings here – oh, sorry I know you can’t have them/forgot you are vegetarian.”
Dude, I don’t care. I used to love hot wings. I used to eat the cartilage and crack the bones to get the marrow. You aren’t going to scare me, nor are you going to scare the majority of ethical vegetarians (nearly all of whom used to eat meat at some point).
I don’t choose to abstain from meat because I’m not a fan of the taste.
Not to mention, vegetarians become the butt of many meat eater’s jokes. Most are used to attempts to actually offend them. A minor faux pas isn’t going to do it (not that what you did was even a faux pas).
There are also veggie dogs and sausages that would definitely benefit from this preparation (I think I’m going to try it).
TL;DR: Most serious vegetarians have developed thick skin and are harder to offend than you realize.” veggiter
If he was offended, and big if, I'm sure it was not lasting trauma.
16. AITJ For Ending It With My Partner This Way?
“My guy (we will call him Rex) and I had been seeing each other almost 2 years. The first year, I was a senior in college and he had graduated a year earlier and co-founded a startup. Of the guys I’d dated, he was the most put-together, the most reliable, the most attractive, the LEAST argumentative (we never ever fought), and I felt had the most potential. At the end of the day though, I felt as if he didn’t “get me” like my other partners had, but as it was his first real relationship I decided not to give up on this great guy.
Upon graduation, I was offered a job 900 miles away. Rex had his company back home and couldn’t leave. I wanted to break it off right then and save myself the pain, but he and his sweet words convinced me we could make it work. Neither of us believes in soulmates so we thought if we put in the work we could make it happen. I moved, he stayed, and our long-distance relationship began.
And by LDR, I mean my chronic loneliness. I am not an outgoing person, I didn’t know a single person in the whole state, I walked into my empty apartment crying almost every day, and I clung to Rex for comfort. We alternate turns to take a flight and got to see each other maybe every other month. He truly tried to be there for me, but those happy weekends when he came down would only make me sadder when he left again.
He said what he could but I knew my depression was wearing on him and us. At one point he told me just to stop talking about sad things. I knew I had to turn things around, and luckily I was at a company full of young transplants like me, so I began forcing myself to go out on weekends. I flourished. I made friends, got to know the new city, and was finally smiling again.
The problem with this new life was that Rex wasn’t a part of it. He didn’t know the people I talked about and couldn’t relate to the culture I was now a part of. I live in an awesome place, and when I would tell him about the fun times I was having, I felt like I was rubbing it in his face. I felt completely torn; like I had to choose between a life of sadness with Rex and a life of happiness without him.
Fast forward to this January–I was laid off from my amazing job. I got a freelance gig to pay rent while I found a new job while all those friends I made moved away. By this time things were worse with Rex. Not that we were dysfunctional, but instead of growing closer as two people are supposed to do over time, we grew further and further apart.
I felt single 99% of the time. When he would visit, I would get annoyed at another person being in my space and it took me a while to warm up to him physically again. I couldn’t see marriage in our future (truth is I think I’m too young to see marriage at all), and I wanted to break off what was left of our relationship because we were both pouring so much emotion and effort into this thing.
I wanted to do it in person of course and the next opportunity was in February. My parents were supposed to be visiting before he got here, but their flights got messed up and my mother, father, and Rex all ended up staying with me that weekend. How could I break up with him in that situation? I decided to wait until the next opportunity.
Before that opportunity came, Rex’s cofounders kicked him out of his own company. It was a terrible situation, his world was crashing down, and I still considered him my best friend so I just didn’t have the heart to break up with him at a time like that. We always said when we were free, we’d be together again. I wanted to stay here and he didn’t want to go home or stay in a college town so naturally, he wanted to move here for me.
Even though he was hurting from his situation I knew I could not let him do that. How could I let him move his whole life for someone who wasn’t nearly on the same page relationship-wise? I also knew that since I had lost all my friends, we would cling to each other and not go out and meet new people. I flew back home, and I ended it.
I felt awful, and of course, he accused me of only seeing him “for his company.” Not even two weeks later, Rex’s best childhood friend took his own life. I found out on social media and broke down crying at work. I immediately called him and left a message just to know if he needed to talk he could. This great guy had just been betrayed by his company, his girl, and his friend.
We went through a couple weeks of texting/calling, that would go from friendly to “screw you” in a second. He left it at “I’ll reach out when I’m ready to talk to you again” and I left him alone.
I had told Rex that I wanted to be single for a while because I hadn’t been single longer than 3 months since I was 16. But life is funny sometimes, and I unexpectedly found a new guy who I just CLICKED with immediately.
He thought I was funny, he loved to dance, we could talk forever, and it made me wonder why I’d spent so many silent, danceless nights with Rex. As I said, I had felt single and alone for so long. But it was only about a month after the breakup so initially, I tried to hide it from social media to not hurt my ex.
However, he started posting pictures of his new girl and I assumed all was well again.
One of the last things Rex said to me was to let him know if my address ever changed. I’m going through a move to a new apartment now and texted him to let him know. He texts me back to let me know he’s in bed with his new girl talking to her about how terrible I am and how neither of them can fathom “what kind of person” would have done what I did.
He said I was mean during his hard times, even though I tried to be there for him as much as I knew how. He couldn’t believe I was seeing someone, even though he was doing the exact same thing. The text ended with “I could give a poop about anyone like you anymore.”
I know I should just move on and not care, but I am so hurt.
I’m the type of person that can’t deal with anyone being upset with me, it just kills me to the core. Just because I didn’t want to be with him romantically anymore doesn’t mean I stopped caring about him as a person. The timing in this whole thing was the worst it could have possibly been.
Was I in the wrong? Should I have let him move his life to a new city to support him in his time of need, knowing that I didn’t want to be with him?
What could I have done differently? Does he truly hate me, or was that just an emotional response? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Not the jerk. Wow, this whole saga was very sad. I can completely identify with and sympathize with your motives, so I really can’t see how anyone can call you the jerk. (And I don’t even get the feeling that you left out anything that would change my mind, which is usually what happens to me when I read these things.)
Breaking up is always hard to do to someone, and there never is a good time, so I really don’t find fault with the timing, particularly since the issue was made pressing by the possibility of him moving. I once decided to break up with someone only to find out her father died (young) before I made time to deliver the news. I waited a month, and then an uncle died, and I waited months more, and she lost her job…and months later we when I finally left I am sure we both wished I had done it when I originally wanted to.
The one issue I take with the whole story is that if it were a perfect world, and everyone was honest, open, caring, adult, and never selfish or neurotic, I would wonder why, when he wanted to move to your city, you didn’t just tell him how you thought things had gotten difficult between you. Therefore, if he moved closer, (and got his own place initially) it would be with the understanding that you are both trying things out…to see if things had gone bad only because of the distance and pressure.
Most people would choose not to move, but if he did, you may have found that things still work from a reasonable distance, or it would have been clear that breaking up was right for everyone.
But I don’t know HOW BAD things were for you, so this might be completely unreasonable. I only mention it because I think the fact that you weren’t looking to give it a shot when he had the freedom to do it, is what made him think you were probably in it for moolah the whole time.
I 100% believe you when you say that this is not true, but together with the timing, etc. it makes his suspicions understandable. Therefore, I say there were no jerks this time.” flignir
15. AITJ For Arguing Via Text Because I Want To See My Friend?
“I’m likely going to get some flak for arguing with someone over the phone, but the fact that I couldn’t speak with her face-to-face was actually the reason this whole thing happened in the first place.
This former friend of mine often met with me for lunch or coffee or whatever every so often, and we’d make a day of it, as we lived in towns roughly 100 miles apart. To do this, we typically arranged something via text message, which worked totally fine.
Anyway, the last time I saw her was in November, and admittedly she was, at the time anyway, busy with a number of commitments and problems that had come up.
However, I have my own commitments including a job and voluntary events, and she was totally aware of this, as well as being aware that I was also similarly going through a number of issues of my own. It cannot have been an issue of time as she had more free time than I do and a lot more money than me too, despite being on welfare benefits and getting things like a house (something I would so desperately love) pretty much given to her.
Then she meets me and whines about how terrible the house is or how she’s bored sitting in the house all day, knowing fine and well I’ve got to work for what little I earn.
Anyway, we agreed in November that we’d try and meet in December, just before Christmas. When this didn’t happen, I hoped that we could at least have a coffee before the New Year came round and I would be busy at work.
In both cases, it was always some excuse or another, and eventually, New Year came without me hearing a single word from her.
So come the middle of January I rang her and asked her what was happening. She promised me faithfully that in two weeks’ time (the start of Febuary) she’d meet me. This, like the other previous times, she told me she couldn’t meet me and it would be two weeks before she could meet me.
I told her that she should ring me in a week and let me know what was happening, as I’d had some holidays booked from work and so was freer than usual to meet.
I made a point of waiting until last week to give her some space, but when the usual promise of meeting in two weeks’ time got trotted out, I gave her an ultimatum via text.
I’ll bulletpoint the texts in paraphrased fashion:
Text 1: Look, all I’m asking for is a date. I’ve got my work and I’m also bored of getting messed around, bearing in mind I’m being promised you’ll meet me.
Her response: Yeah well I’ve got problems in my life and all I’m trying to do is be a good friend, and you’re making demands of me and being horrible to me.
Text 2: Well yeah, I’ve got problems too. Also, you did stuff wrong too, and you seem more interested in yourself than anyone, despite you calling me a friend.
Her response: Well this is all your fault, you seem to think your whole life is dependent on me. Just go and do whatever you want, I don’t care.
Text 3 (final text): Surprise, surprise, it’s my fault.
Act like an adult, not a kid, and actually realize that you’re not the center of my life and that you’re acting like it’s the end of the world because I actually want to know what’s happening in my life, bearing in mind you’re expecting me to spend good money on petrol and food.
This prompted a long, rambling phone call (which I ignored for the most part) about how she ‘wasn’t friends with me anymore and how she hated me.
Since then I haven’t heard a word from her.
So, who is the jerk in this situation?”
Another User Comments:
“You were both the jerk on this one.
Neither of you respected the other’s style of friendship and planning.
You expected her to behave in an almost contractual manner (notice your emphasis on promises) where she expected you to “play it cool.” Neither is really right or wrong, but the failure to respect the way the other one interacts is a problem.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“This whole problem started because you couldn’t find a time to get together with your friend, and now you’re not even friends. I’d say you were both quite jerk-ish, and you definitely both lost. I guess the problem is solved, though. And I guess you weren’t that good of friends anyway if you had to complain about meeting up with her, yell at her for not contributing to making it work, and seem more concerned about being the jerk than the fact that you just lost her as a friend.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Ehh ya you probably overreacted but I know how it gets when it seems like you’re the only one putting in the effort to see someone. I will say though in my experience this sort of happens with people/friends over the years especially when they move away or live further away. It makes sense it is hard to set something up that far away and sometimes seeing an old friend and doing something outside of your normal life can be difficult.
It happens, you can’t work people in sometimes. Sure she should have said that or maybe explained things better but some people just don’t operate that way. Such is life, you can’t always hang onto a friendship and a lot of the times when you do its not in the same way it used to be and you have to decide if you’d rather accept what the friendship has changed into or disregard it altogether.
That’s my experience at least.” chesterfieldkingz
14. AITJ For Re-Selling A Water Filter I Knew Didn't Work?
“A while ago I bought a water filter that is used for hiking or other outdoor activities. Its purpose is to make dirty or contaminated water drinkable. The filter I bought was from a very well respected manufacturer (Katadyn if anyone is interested) but this specific model had some major design flaws.
I sent in my filter because it had failed after a short time and got a brand new unit in return. Because I didn’t really trust this filter anymore, I got one from a different brand and sold the exchanged one on a small trekking forum. That was years ago and I kind of forgot all about it. Until I stumbled upon a travel report where someone had trouble with his water filter and eventually he and his friend became sick and had to cancel their trip.
He wrote that he bought the filter on the forums, so I checked and it was in fact the filter that I had sold to him…
So now I feel like a jerk because I knew the filter was trash and I still sold it. On the other hand, it was a brand new unit from a respected manufacturer that is still sold at most commercial outdoor stores.
Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m calling shenanigans, jerk. Its one thing to return a crappy product, it’s another to knowingly. First a crappy and unreliable product on people w/o telling them. The manufacturer made a trash product. You made a trash decision for a product that messed people up.
You are the jerk here.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Eh. The company’s the jerk for making a garbage product.
You didn’t know if you had a bad filter or if the product was bad…I’m hoping you didn’t. It’s natural to feel like a jerk in this situation because you sold them the filter.” You_R_Dum
OP Replies:
“The design flaws are that it easily gets clogged and then pressure builds up so (contaminated) water starts squirting out everywhere. If you’re not careful, this contaminated water can mix with your filtered water and if you drink that water, you might get sick.
I did not praise the product. I just listed its name and that it was an unopened replacement for a faulty unit I sent in.” notapantsday
13. AITJ For Being Given Help While Touring A New Country And Not Showing My Appreciation?
“Recently, I spent a good amount of time traveling around New Zealand. I had a tiny budget, so I was getting around by hitchhiking and sleeping in my tent most nights. One afternoon, I was picked up by a friendly older Kiwi.
It turned out his business is consulting for struggling hostels, so he very frequently meets travelers like me and picks up hitchhikers. He has traveled the country dozens of times. On the way to my destination, he went out of his way to take me to some cool thermal pools and pretty sights. It was great because I likely would have just passed straight by them if anybody else had picked me up.
He was going on a speaking tour over the next week. Shortly before arriving at my destination, he said, “It’s too bad you’re not going the other way with me next instead. I could show you this spot and that. And I could get you free accommodation in these towns.” Since he had been so friendly, and because I wanted to be open to fun new experiences and people, I decided spur of the moment to change my plan and keep traveling with him instead.
I stay in his hotel room with him that night. He got us both dinner with the food budget he had from his employer. He then suggested we buy some adult beverages and asks if I don’t mind paying since he got dinner. I had planned on giving up drinking at this point in my trip to save money, but I was happy to since he was being so nice and helpful to me.
I bought a couple of bottles that got polished off pretty fast. And he ended up sharing a lot a bunch of spirits that he had brought along, so he was definitely giving back more than he was asking. We probably stayed up till 2 in the morning drinking and had some great conversation.
The next day, we move on to the next city, and basically repeat the night before.
I buy a couple of bottles, and he very insistently makes me take a couple of shots. At this point, his personality is really starting to grate on me, but I figure it would be rude to leave early when he is expecting me to keep traveling with him for a couple more days.
Day 3, while we’re driving, he straight up calls me out for not being appreciative enough of him.
In particular, he said that I should be making more of an effort to buy food or drinks. He was mad at me that he had to ask me to buy the wine, and that I wasn’t pushing to do so myself. His reasoning is that I should be spending whatever I am saving by not staying in a hostel on things that we can enjoy.
He frequently hosts couch surfers and says that is standard practice when somebody provides you with a place to stay. But I actually spent more traveling with him than I would have without. And it seemed unfair to expect we should each contribute equally because I had almost no money and he had kept bragging about how much he was making from each of his speaking engagements.
This pretty much spelled the end of traveling together for me, and I hitched another ride while he was in one of his speaking engagements. He never responded to my message when I told him what I was doing.
Ever since I’ve been worrying about this general situation. I’m very stingy with what I allow myself to buy. So I’m also not usually buying stuff that I share with other people.
But when other people offer to share with me, I will often take it. I think I’m kind of a freeloader. Where’s the line where being frugal for myself becomes obnoxious to those around me?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m a Kiwi and I’m even confused by his behavior so I don’t think it’s a cultural misunderstanding.
I may be way off but sounds to me like he was trying to hit on you – sharing a hotel room with a hitchhiker he barely knew doesn’t sound quite right, especially as he had the means to get free or very cheap accommodation.
I think his annoyance with you stemmed from you not reacting to his advances.” Ninjaushn
Another User Comments:
“You might have hit a cultural convention. Often, this kind of thing varies from culture to culture, and although you might not have meant to be rude, I can see how it would be perceived that way by someone who has grown up with this kind of thing as standard practice.
Perhaps you could have done more research, but really I wouldn’t blame you. The two of you clearly had some communication issues, otherwise, it would have been more clear who was supposed to be buying what. A more open conversation on the subject would probably have helped, rather than that guy getting too angry and calling you rude.
It is important to recognize that people don’t always do things your way, and although he wasn’t clear about it, it’s not hard to see that he expected his favors to be returned. Maybe you should try to decline more free things if you know you’ve not got the means or inclination to pay them back.” RoonilaWazlib
Another User Comments:
“If he was grating on OP, there’s a good chance OP was grating on him. He might have been slow to notice this.” onsos
12. AITJ For Wanting To Ski For Two Days After My Friend Had A Meltdown?
“So a long-time friend and I planned a ski trip to a popular mountain a few hours away.
To make a long story short, when his pass gets rejected from the scanner on the second day, it turned out that the mountain only gave him a one day pass while I got the two day that we both thought we had.
He had the receipt and they did only charge him for the one-day lift ticket, so I’m assuming the ticket people just misheard him or hit the wrong button or something.
Obviously this would be a total pain in the butt for anyone, but you would have sworn it was the worst thing that had happened to him in the past year. He threw a fit in the lift line.
Me, being a little whiney wuss for some reason (probably too nervous about confronting a friend, especially with a 4-5 hour drive in front of us), didn’t really say anything. I kind of passively agreed with everything he was going on about as if I was only half paying attention. I somehow got dragged into his plan to go confront the service desk.
He did all the talking while I just kind of sheepishly sat there and presented my own lift ticket when he asked. They didn’t reimburse him.
Instead, he would have had to buy a second one-day pass which would have been about $20 more total than just getting the two-day pass in the first place. In a final act of angry principal, he refused to buy the ticket and starts heading to the car to leave. I guess he expected me to go with him but seeing as how I paid full price and wanted to ride the entire second day (this was at like 10:30), I told him that I was going to stay and ride.
He ended up staying in his car (he drove us) for a few hours while I stayed on the mountain. I did come back earlier than I would have otherwise, but I’m sure it was still boring as heck for him. One thing I will say though is that he had really been being a jerk for the entire trip. He had whined about everything from how far the restaurant was from where we were staying, to the people we shared the lift with to how much this mountain sucked compared to the ones he normally goes to.
If he hadn’t had been such a moron for the past two days I would have been willing to compromise or help him out in some way, but at this point I wasn’t feeling too generous towards him.
The ride back was pretty awkward.
Was I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re not a jerk in my eyes. You did pay a bunch to ride the 2nd day.
I’m surprised that the mountain was not willing to change his pass and also surprised that your friend was not willing to pay $20 more to ride the 2nd day even if it was the mountain’s mistake. Yes the mountain people were jerks but my time is important to me, so for $20 more, I would have paid the difference anyway. If I really felt crappy about it I would have broken something or stolen something from their premises to make up for the $20 difference if I had to.” PM_ME_UR_FACE_GIRL
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. He decided to act like a child, he could have swallowed his pride and changed his mind at any point but he didn’t. He chose to stay in the car rather than pay for the pass and have a fun day with you. I think it is pretty awesome that you continued on and made the most of your pass rather than indulge his petulance and let your money go to waste.” thequeenistheirslave
Another User Comments:
“Your “friend” sounds like a jerk. He was not only a jerk but a cheap jerk! The ski place was kind of a*******h too and should have given him the discounted price.”mooms
11. AITJ For Wanting My Child's Name To Remain Unique In Our Friend Group?
“I had my daughter in December. We named her after my great-grandmother, which means a lot to our family. It’s a less common name, but not completely obscure.
Part of the reason I picked it is that we don’t know anyone else (living) with the name and wanted to avoid having 5 of the same name in her class.
Two of my friends from high school married each other. Just this weekend their baby is born- and they use the exact same name that we named our daughter. I know both of them. They live around the corner from my parents, go to the same church as them, and I’ll probably see them at the same functions fairly often.
We have hundreds of mutual friends. We interact online quite a bit.
I’m pretty annoyed. Maybe it shouldn’t matter, but it feels like they stole our name.
TL; DR Two friends used same name as my baby, 6 months later. I’m ticked off. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No, as long as you’re not acting out over it. Just feeling ticked off doesn’t make you a jerk – you can’t control what your emotions are, and it’s what you do in response that matters.
If you were being nasty to them about it or demanding an apology, then that would be jerk-ish. Nobody owns exclusive rights to a first name. And they might not have even known that the name’s uniqueness was some of its appeal for you.” CandenceSpice
Another User Comments:
“Yeah. Maybe they had the name picked out for years before they even got pregnant, and they think that you stole their name?
Or maybe they heard the name you chose and liked it as well. It’s not your name, it’s just a name. I would not wait around for some sort of apology or acknowledgment. Even if they were inspired by your name choice, they did nothing wrong.” sadbbygrl
Another User Comments:
“Of course, you’re not the jerk for being annoyed. Naming our children is very important to us.
But maybe they just like the name. When you said exact, do you mean first and middle names? If so, that’s odd.
But anyways, about six months after I had my first son, my cousin and his wife gave their daughter a shortened version of my son’s name. Let me tell you, I was very angry about that but I got over it. I can almost promise you that you’ll forget about this.
And your daughter has the honor being named after her great-great grandmother, after all!” Diarygirl
10. AITJ Fot Wearing My Religious Wear?
“This will likely be slightly complicated. Here goes:
I’m Muslim, and originally when I began my present job, I was not wearing my headscarf (hijab) for a variety of reasons. However at the interview, I asked whether it would be possible for me to wear it should I choose to do so, and I was told that I could.
Skip forward to 6 months ago and we had a manager who I’ll call ‘M’. He was a really cool manager, and one day he asked me for a meeting. It turned out he knew little to nothing about Islam or hijab, and so he asked me if I could give him something of a schooling in my beliefs and also about hijab. I did so and he gave me the thumbs-up to wear it to work, as did the assistant manager P.
Enter manager P
M left, and was replaced by ‘P’, the current manager. One day, as I was coming in, she requested a talk two months ago with me. She wanted a talk with me about my hijab, and we went to the manager’s office to do so. She brought up the fact that I wasn’t wearing it all the time at work (which I didn’t for my own personal reasons).
I told her about my reasons, and also the fact that manager M had already discussed this with me along with P, and she cut me off, telling me that this wasn’t their decision to make and that he should have asked HR. I pointed out that I’d already asked at the interview about this and they’d also told me the same thing. She just cut me off and told me I wasn’t to wear it to work until HR had been contacted, which from what she was saying, was something she would do.
Meeting 2
Last week, I wore my hijab again, as I had guessed everything had been sorted out with HR by my manager, and if anything had been a problem, someone would have said something.
In this case, I went in and within 5min of me getting there, my manager phoned for me to go to the office. I knew automatically what this was about, and when I went in, I asked right off the bat whether she had contacted HR as she said in the last meeting.
She then told me that she’d actually said that it was me who needed to contact HR in that meeting (she didn’t, and I’ve got a good memory for this stuff) and then went on about how I was ‘defying her authority’ and all this.
Now I’ve searched through the company rules (took me close to 3 hours) regarding equality policies, dress codes and health and safety, and I can’t find how I’m breaking any rule in any way.
So, am I being a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Not at all. I’d say you should go to HR and tell them how this new manager has been treating you. This new manager can’t just change the rules as she pleases. This issue was already cleared up in the interview.” rainbowsandbutter
9. AITJ For Not Wanting Too Deal With My Mom's Intoxicated Behavior?
“Two weeks ago, I went to a party which was being held by a family friend.
I went, along with my mother, and I drove everyone there in my car. The event wasn’t that far from my house, about 5 miles away.
During the course of the night, my mother proceeded to get pretty inebriated. She’d begun with a couple of glasses of wine, which I personally didn’t give a toss about, but by the end of the night, she was very intoxicated, having consumed a lot of whiskeys, and was shouting and screaming and just generally being totally annoying.
She also proceeded to argue with two people at the party, annoying them, over some totally ridiculous thing she said (still not too sure what she said though).
So skip forward to the end of the night, around midnight, and it was time for people to leave. At this point, I told my mother that if she wanted to get home, she could get a taxi home, as there was no way on heaven or earth I was dealing with her idiotic behaviour.
If anything, I’m not that confident driving at night, and having a wasted idiot to deal with would only make things harder.
But this isn’t the first time she’s done this either. There was an almost exact same time when she did the same at a family wedding, having become similarly plastered despite warnings from various family members, including my uncle whose car my mother and I were traveling in, not to do so.
I choose not to go out with her socially because I know all she’s interested in is getting as wasted as possible. This is a 44-year-old woman and her attitude of getting wrecked as fast as possible is more fitting for a kid.
The next morning, I got a metric ton of grief from my mother, who demanded that I give back to her the money she spent on a taxi home, and she kicked off about how I’d ‘dumped’ her and how she was ‘just having some fun’ and how I was ‘being a jerk’ for leaving her.
I pointed out to her that I wasn’t responsible for her behavior and wasn’t there just to act like some glorified babysitter for her to act like an A-grade moron, given I wanted to enjoy myself too.
I should add as a last note that I am not against anyone drinking, and drinking isn’t really an issue for me. I personally couldn’t give a toss whether someone wants to drink or not.
What I do have a problem is stupid behaviour.
So, AITJ or my mother here?”
Another User Comments:
“It sounds like you made it clear that you would not tolerate this behavior and you did the right thing sticking to your guns. It sounds like she has a problem and that no one wants to tolerate this behavior. Don’t apologize or pay her back for taxi.
I would tell her point blank that while you are more than happy to drive her places you will not do so if she becomes inebriatedand abusive. She is an adult and if she chooses to behave that way then she is going to have to make other arrangements.” Viperbunny
8. AITJ For Not Trusting Irresponsible Friends To Take Our Wedding Photos?
“Back-story: I worked with the guy in this particular couple at a retail store. We had a pretty good friendship, but ultimately, I ended up going above and beyond quite often.
I have gotten up after 2 am on a couple of occasions to rescue him and his girl because they can’t drive (they still do illegally on occasion, hence why I would have to rescue them…one got caught and I have to take the other to jail to bail them out and drive them home). I even let them live with me for a period of time because they got suddenly kicked out of their place.
I don’t think I have been in a spot where I needed them in any type of emergency situation, but I don’t think I hold that against them.
Fast-forward to modern times:
My fiance and I hang with them about once or twice every two months. Not very often. I asked if they would be interested in taking photos for our wedding, to which they gladly agreed. We hadn’t talked pricing or anything yet, though I expected it soon.
Two months go by and not a word from them. I reach out and we hang out again, I bring up the wedding photos again with them. This time they have a “guesstimate” number. They say $1000 is normal, but they would only charge me $500.
My friend photographer has yet to graduate from film school and has never shot a wedding before in his life. My fiance and I discuss the offer and decide to try to work it down to $400 instead of $500.
We try to set up a time to meet at the venue to discuss photo opportunities. Anytime we are busy, that seems to be the time they want to meet up. As if trying to postpone going to the venue. I had to practically beg them to even go in the first place. The female didn’t think they should have to go at all.
We are now under a month from our wedding and still no set-in-stone photographer for our wedding.
We decided to check elsewhere. We found a photographer for $400, she set up a time to meet at the venue, sent a contract, and a questionnaire within a few hours of us responding. My friends had done none of this.
I text them to say that I don’t think we could afford their prices and that with a wedding coming up, things are getting hectic and it makes it difficult to plan open times to meet for us.
I get a 7 message text discussing how we will not find a better deal than them, and how they were trying to “help us out” and how they were putting their schedule around ours just to do this. Basically, calling me a jerk for not using their services.
I am quite upset now. I haven’t decided what to send back, it’s been 2 days now. I don’t even know if I want them in the wedding.
I feel I had helped them out a lot in the past and I didn’t ask for anything in return, I was offering my help because they needed it and the one time I need some help, they are being extremely difficult, rude, and unprofessional.
Their possible point of view:
They have a child, they also have no jobs in which they have steady paychecks.
They will babysit for some income and they will attempt to shoot music videos or housing walk-through and the like for a business they are trying to establish. Maybe they really are struggling for free time to do things like this. Why would you even say yes if you couldn’t do it in a professional manner? if they are trying to grow a business, wouldn’t this be a way to do that?)
Am I the jerk here? Should I try to have them shoot the wedding even though they are not professional at all?”
Another User Comments:
“Think of it this way: if you approached a professional photographer you had no ties with who never seemed available to meet at the venue except at times you could not then you likely would find another one and not look back.
Your “friends” may need the income but they are not doing the right things to earn it. They should consider submitting job applications to Comcast or maybe the federal government.
“how they were putting their schedule around ours just to do this.”
Apparently not.” JulesDash
Another User Comments:
“Nope, definitely not the jerk.
Friends should give excellent top-notch service and they failed miserably!
Don’t get upset, just send a text back that you are sorry they feel that way (and don’t feel compelled to provide further reasons – you’re a grown adult who can make a decision on your own without having to justify it to anyone.).” ZipZap21
Point out you all are friends and you don't feel right to be an inconvenience to them since they were having to do so much to accommodate you.
7. AITJ For Lashing Out At The Dude Who Burnt My Dog's Nose?
“A few days ago I was out walking my dog at the park. My dog stops beside a bench and begins sniffing around. I thought she was looking for a place to go poop and so I begin to look in my bag just in case she had some business for me.
All of a sudden, I hear her yelp, and she begins crying so I pick her up to console her. Then I look over and see that she burned her nose on a lit butt from someone smoking stuff. I automatically assume that it belonged to the man who was sitting on the bench so I tell him, “Hey buddy, why don’t you pick up your trash?
My dog just burnt her nose on that.” His response was, “Maybe you should pay attention to what your dog is doing.” Which made me a little mad. So my response, “The trash can is literally 4 feet away from you. Are you so fat and lazy that you can’t throw your trash away?” I then picked up the butt/bud, tossed it into the trash and storm off.
I now realize I could have handled that differently, and also that it may not have even been his. Or maybe I should have kept an eye on my dog. So am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“A person who didn’t drop a burning butt next to you most likely would have been confused or would have explained that it was someone else who just walked by (or whatever).
That they blamed you for not supervising your dog indicates to me that they were probably trying to avoid admitting their responsibility.
He didn’t apologize to you for his inconsiderate actions. It’s a park for Pete’s sake – leaving trash or dangerous things lying around is a butthead move on his part regardless of anything else.
Imagine if your dog took a crap on the footpath, you left it there, he walked into it, and then proceeded to say to you “Hey buddy, why don’t you pick up after your dog?” and you replied “Why don’t you look where you’re running?” – who would be the jerk in this case (and keep in mind that in this case nobody gets hurt).
Maybe the comment about being fat was unfair, but that part aside I think the rest of the reply was warranted. And when you are angry sometimes it’s hard to remain perfectly fair, especially when the other person has already demonstrated how little they care about fairness.” Buffalo__Buffalo
Another User Comments:
“If it was his butt, he’s a jerk, but if your response is the word for word, it was kind of harsh.
Also if you threw a still burning smoke in the trash, you’re a jerk for starting a trash fire in a park.” pileofdeadninjas
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think you were the jerk, but I think you easily could have been by how you started the confrontation. If it wasn’t his butt, then you would be looking like a fool. Plus, for all I know (and this doesn’t excuse throwing a butt on the ground), he could’ve been having a terrible day.
He stopped to grab his first pack of cigs in 3 months or something and someone gave him crap about it.
He lashed out about the dog probably because people let their dogs poop in parks without cleaning it up all the time and that’s pretty equivalent to littering cig butts.” Pseudocrat
6. AITJ For Getting Angry At My Partner Who Takes "Lazy Days" While I Work To Get Us A Place To Live?
“The background: I’ve been seeing my guy for 2 years and we are moving in together in the fall for school.
He currently lives with his parents in a city about 3 hours away from our university, and I live with mine on the opposite side of the country. He has been in a bad financial situation after wrecking his car, and his construction work hasn’t been giving him many hours.
Whenever I talk to him he is always talking about his “lazy days” where he smokes stuff and gets intoxicated and plays Halo all day.
Since I moved back to my city I’ve been working a full-time and a part-time job, and haven’t gotten time off to visit him like I did last summer. In order to lock down a place for us to live in September, I had asked him to check out places. I had looked online and emailed landlords, but he didn’t have a car to go down to check them out.
He got a ride once with his dad who goes down 2-3 times a week and looked at one place. I’m supposed to move out there in 2 weeks
The incident in question: A couple days ago I was talking to him on one of his “lazy days.” I was already full of attitude before I talked to him cause of work crap but I asked him why he wasn’t looking for places to live when his dad was down in our uni town.
He said he “wants a lazy day before he goes on his trip.” I asked him what trip he was talking about and he said he had decided to go on a two-week-long fishing trip with his buddy on his commercial tuna fishing boat. I flipped out and told him I was really worried about finding a place to live and now he’s gone for two weeks and I’m supposed to move out there in two weeks.
He said his dad could look at houses and he needed this trip to make money. I was yelling at him and telling him he was immature and that me and his dad were doing more to help us find a place than he did. He said he really needs the dough and he’s gonna make a lot as a deckhand. I said he was “a jerk and being really immature and had been lazy and irresponsible all summer and that I would just find a place by myself and he could find his own place or sleep on the street cause he’s too much of a baby to figure his stuff out.” He told me it works both ways and if I had come to visit him we could have found a place earlier.
More swearing and name calling back on forth until he hung up on me. Now he’s gone for ~2 weeks.
I know he needs the income, so am I the jerk ?”
Another User Comments:
“First, NTJ.
You’ve been seeing him for two years so I’m sure you have something in common, but honestly, he sounds and acts like a teenager. He’s trying to blame you for not coming earlier but you’re working your butt off.
Anybody that’s in a “bad financial situation” should not be spending a lot of days getting wasted and playing video games.
Has he ever done commercial fishing before? It’s tough work for somebody who’s never done it before, and as I understand it, your pay depends on your status. And he definitely should have told you about this trip.
Best of luck to you, OP!” DiaryGirl
Another User Comments:
“He’s the jerk but you are going to be the jerk if you stay with him.
The bottom line is that financially you are incompatible. Your work ethics do not align. You also sound a lot more mature than he does, in general. When you choose to stay with someone like that, the people around you, who love you, suffer. You should give yourself a chance to find someone who is in the same mental place/life phase as you and who is financially compatible
God forbid you have an accidental pregnancy with this type, your life would be hosed.
To sum it up, he’s the jerk for not having crap together and prioritizing this next phase of your relationship. But, you will be a jerk to stay with him knowing that financial incompatibility will always be a problem.” Dinosaur_Train
Another User Comments:
“I think everybody else in the thread is right about the dubious future of your relationship.
But they all seem to be glossing over your actual question about being mad about the fishing trip. Is there any real income involved in the fishing trip? Meaning, is it an actual opportunity to earn something when things are tight, or does he really just want to hang out on a boat with his buddy and HOPES to have a little cash when he gets back?
If it’s a vacation for a guy who’s already been out of work, then go ahead and be mad at him for being selfish and lazy, and I’ll call him a jerk. If it’s an actual opportunity, then he’s not really being selfish, but he did fail to put any real work into finding a suitable home before he had to leave on the trip, so you can still be mad at him for not getting his life together with respect to your home BEFORE the trip happened, and I’ll say he’s lazy and short-sighted and a bad choice for partner, but not a jerk.” flignir
5. AITJ For Feeling Angry That My Friend Wants To Meet My Fiance Before Deciding To Be My Maid Of Honor?
“This happened about 8 mos ago and my memory is not exact. I have felt bad about it ever since. I really want her involved in my wedding and hate to think about her not coming….
So im getting married next year. My friend (A) and I have been friends for nearly 15 years. I told her about it and asked if she’d like to be my maid of honor.
She told me that untill she met my fiance and talked to me about it she didn’t want to make a choice. Ok, no biggie. Let’s see if we can make plans. He’s only free on weekends, and he works late into the night. She is the opposite. She is unwilling to give up her free time during the weekend (which admittedly is very little) and when asked if she would be ok with just talking to me, she said fine.
So I tell her when I’m coming up next (I live two hours out of town) and ask if we could meet up.
We pick a day and she says she’ll text me when she’s free. At 5 pm, she texts me telling me she can’t meet today. I’m slightly irritated because I had other things that needed to get done but didn’t because I didn’t want to miss her.
I didnt let it show because I figured it wasnt all her fault. Her job keeps her late and the ride home is over an hour.
Anyway every day for the rest of the week I ask if she’s free. Every day she eventually says no. Saturday rolls around and she says no but we can tomorrow. Sunday in the am, I send her a text asking for a time and a place and I get no response.
Nothing. I ask again four hours later and still nothing.
Finally at 7 pm, she texts saying sorry but it’s not happening. I got angry. So I said, “A, I’ve been here a week trying to meet with you to discuss this. I don’t understand why youve put me off. We agreed on this. I don’t even understand why you need this to happen. My fiance is a good man.
Why would you doubt that?” I got a garbled response about how my fiance had nothing to do with it and how she just needed to know. Know what, I don’t know. But AITJ for feeling hurt that she doesn’t trust me to make romantic and life decisions on my own?
As a side note, while weve been friends for around 15 years, we have not been together all that time.
We are both individual people, and we know that. She didn’t like that I got a little irritated with her and hasn’t talked to me since. I’ve reached out twice I think with no response. But one of the times she posted that she was cleaning out her friend list and for anyone wanting to remain friends to post on the status. I did with a long-winded apology and ended with I hope we can be friends again.
I never got a response. Not even a like. Everyone else who posted got comments on their post or got a like. She didn’t touch mine. That hurt too…. but she also didn’t delete me.
I’m so confused about this that when I come across a post of hers that I really like or agree with or want to lend support, I dont know what to do.
I feel like if I push too hard to fix the relationship she’ll get upset and end it forever. But if I dont push hard enough things will never change. So… AITJ? And if I am what can I do to fix it?
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I would be honored if my friend asked me. I guess it requires a lot of work so she’d need to talk about it before making a commitment but I don’t know why she would need to meet in person.
It’s kind of weird the reason for her needing to meet was because of your husband to be I feel like that shouldn’t matter very much. Especially if she was going to be so difficult about it and not even be apologetic after. Honestly, she sounds like a horrible friend and not worthy of being a maid of honor AT ALL. Hopefully, maybe you have someone else.
Also if she has that little time I don’t know how she would plan a bridal shower/ bachelorette party assuming you wanted those, but I’m not sure of that. She just sounds unreliable in general.
Anyway, you’re definitely NTJ. Good luck with everything!” once-ler
Another User Comments:
“It’s pretty strange that she feels she needs to meet your fiance before agreeing. If you love him enough to marry him that should be enough for her.
I could see needing time to decide if she could afford to do it, it can take a decent amount of time and finances to be in a wedding, but she seems to want input on who you marry in order to accept a position in tour wedding. She makes this request and she can’t even set up a time to meet. She is wasting your time and hurting your feelings.
She isn’t a very good friend. I would choose someone you are closer with and who is a more caring friend. Congratulations on your engagement. I’m sorry your friend is acting like this.” Viperbunny
4. AITJ For Selling My Car At A Very Low Price After I Told The Buyer It Would Require Some Fixing Up?
“About 4 weeks ago I agreed to sell my old car to someone I’ll call R, who I knew via family members. He saw the car and liked it straight away, and was happy with my asking price of £200.
Everything went fine until this week, when I finally handed over the keys to the old car, having got the new one (yay!), and thought that was the end of it. Now at this time, we agreed that he would give me a deposit of £100, with me giving him a couple of weeks until he’d pay me the rest. This was fair enough as I know him well and knew he wouldn’t mess me around.
Then a few days ago, I got a call. R had taken the car for a look over by a mechanic and was banging on about how it was going to cost £X to repair Y and £X to repair Z. Now at the time he first saw the car, I had pointed out to him that the car was in need of some attention, and he had still chosen to buy it.
Similarly, I’d offered the car at a massive discount to offset the cost which would need to be spent on it in terms of maintenance, and this was again something I mentioned to him at the time.
Then there was the debacle over the tax disc. I’d initially wanted the car to be out of my hands a lot sooner than it did, and if it had, the tax disc wouldn’t have been something I’d have had to deal with, as the car’s ownership documents would have been transferred into the new owner’s name and so this would have been something they’d have had to do (costing another £100).
But because the car sold when it did, there was a massive amount of confusion about who should pay for the disc and when. Eventually I agreed to do it and paid, but that left me minus £100 I should have had.
I had hoped in this case that the £100 that R had given me for the deposit would ensure at least that I broke even after paying for the tax disc, but that’s when the other problem started. R phoned me and started dropping hints about how much the repairs were going to be and how he’d have to make a payment plan with the mechanic to cover it.
Now to my mind, anyone who owns a car has to take some responsibility for the costs of doing so. I couldn’t see why I should be flinging money at a car I didn’t even own any more. But he wouldn’t get off my case and so I agreed with him he could have the £100 deposit back towards the costs, but he would still owe me the rest.
So now I’m going to walk away from this deal with pretty much nothing because of this, and for a car that isn’t even my responsibility any more. So, AITJ or is R?”
Another User Comments:
“What can one expect in a £200 car? Here in Texas you are rolling the dice when purchasing cars that cost under $2000. You really should have disclosed multiple times that the car is being sold as is and that you cannot provide any warranty for it’s shortcomings.
The biggest problem is that you handed over the car without payment in full. A deposit is normally just used to hold a car for them until the rest of the cash can be paid. R is the jerk.” lonestarfisherman
Another User Comments:
“R is the jerk, but if you’ve already caved you can’t really go back on your word. He was aware of the problems and purchased it anyway.
You should have stood up for yourself and the original agreement.” Swtcherrypie
3. AITJ For Not Wanting Enable My Dad And Uncle's Bad Habits?
“I am still in high school, but growing up my life hasn’t been very fun. My parents divorced early and I lived with my mom from 6-13 in Ohio, whereas I had been in Texas before.
Anyway, when I was 13, I came home from school one day and my mom had been arrested for like the 5th time for doing illegal substances.
But this time was permanent. (I haven’t seen her since.)
After that, my grandma drove up to Ohio from Texas to get me, and brought my dad with her. Then we drove back, and I moved in with my grandma. My grandma is awesome. Anyway, I found out shortly after moving in that my uncle would also be living with my grandma. My uncle is 40.
He has “mental problems” as my grandparents describe it, so they use that as an excuse to put up with his bs, such as leaving messes everywhere, trashing my grandma’s car, never having a job, and they said he will probably never move out because he isn’t capable.
So that went on for about 2 years, and oh man I hated it. His blatant disrespect for how lucky he was made me so angry.
He was practically sucking financial resources out of my grandparents for free because he was lazy. Two years of rent-free life. That combined with the fact that he is an enormous jerk really makes me hate him.
After those 2 years, my grandma brings up that my dad, back in Dallas (I live in a very small town about an hour away) has been living on the streets long enough, so she lets HIM move in as well.
When HE moves in, he does the same thing as my uncle. Freeloading, whining, being ungrateful, and just generally being a drain and a pain in the butt.
Having to live with these two constantly makes me dread being home. It has made me really sour. I literally never smile when they are around, and I never speak to them. When they speak to me, I just answer with quick one word answers and try to end the conversation as quickly as possible.
My uncle still lives here, going on nearly 4 years (I’m 16.). My dad has been here for about 3 months, but he is no closer to moving out than he was when he got here. I am constantly reassured he will be gone as soon as he gets his first paycheck, but he doesn’t have a job and I’m not holding my breath. My grandma knows I am super unhappy with them being here, but she and my sister both say I am being a butthead. They say that my dad and uncle are family, and I shouldn’t hate them, that I should give them more chances.
My entire life all of my family, besides my little sister and grandparents, have been addicts, failures, and freeloaders, I never really learned to value family. I just don’t feel it. But I do feel intense anger towards both of these gents.|
Am I justified? Am I being unreasonable? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re not the jerk here. It’s frustrating as heck to watch people you love get sucked dry helping people who do nothing but take.
I would be upset too.” Viperbunny
Another User Comments:
“No. I can see where you’re grandparents are coming from. Having a dysfunctional family as well, there’s a fine line between enabling loved ones and trying to help them. It’s very difficult to find a good balance. I wouldn’t judge them too harshly. It’s a hard situation for them as well. But the thing is, that’s not your problem, and it shouldn’t be.
Just keep your head up and keep on the right path. Don’t end up in the same mess.” Reddit User
2. AITJ For Wanting To Get The Barista At Starbucks Fired For Short Changing My Ground Coffee?
“I always get a quarter pound of espresso because I like my coffee to be fresh.
The barista at my local Starbucks has given me less than a quarter-pound EVERY TIME he’s served me. A quarter pound is 112grams. On one occasion he gave me 30g, then I went back and he gave me 80g, and went back and he gave me 105g.
This has happened 4 times now (over the span of 6 months). And every time I confront him about it he gives me attitude and tells me that the scale is correct, and I end up having to argue with him.
Yesterday he refused to give me more (I weighed 102g). I know that their scale can be faulty, as I’ve been told by other baristas there … but this guy treats me as if I’m some sort of cheap jerk trying to screw Starbucks. It’s not even about the money for me. A quarter-pound of espresso is under 5$. I have left bigger tips than that for baristas….
It’s the principle of the matter and the guy’s attitude that bothers me, and the fact that I always ask so politely. He doesn’t realize that I am a Starbucks veteran (was a barista for 3 years) and that I have a very accurate scale at home that I use often and that I have a pretty good sense of weight/volume of ground coffee.
I’m on a warpath to get this loser fired. AITJ??”
Another User Comments:
“Just talk to the manager and make sure your issue is resolved. Trying to get someone fired is just a jerk move. Let your complaint be heard, and let the employer decide what to do. Specifically trying to get someone fired is absolutely being a jerk.
Plus when you say things like “I’ve left bigger tips than that for baristas” and “He doesn’t realize I’m a Starbucks veteran,” you sound like a gigantic d****e, and it makes it hard to believe you’re being as polite about this as you claim to be.” bilscuits
Another User Comments:
“I think both of you are jerks – he definitely should behave better towards his customers.
On the other hand
The difference of 8g on 112g of ground coffee is almost nil and it you can make the same amount of coffee from them (given 7±0,5g per serving).
That being said, you want quality coffee and go for Starbucks and take ground coffee and 112g of it?
I know it’s ad hominem, but duuude! That stuff is overpriced, not that good and this amount of coffee goes stale extremely quickly – in matter of minutes. And who knows when it was roasted. I would suggest looking for some roaster around you and take coffee from them and grind it at home before preparing.” MlekarDan
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You continue to patronize a place you are unhappy with.
You don’t like the employees and you don’t like the equipment, knowing the scale is off. Yet, knowing you don’t like the service, you go anyway. For what? Just so you can whine? You are so superior with your former barista BS – woah – everyone look at this jerk, who can feel a couple of grams difference like an illegal substances dealer. All bow down to you.
Ya, he’s a jerk, because he’s tired of seeing your butt. You know the Starbucks scale isn’t right so you don’t get to whine when you return to it.
If you are so freaking great, go measure your coffee out at Whole Foods. Or better yet, go buy a 10-dollar freaking grinder and grind your own beans up, you cheap idiot. JERK.” dinosaur_train
1. AITJ For Not Flushing The Toilet?
“I don’t like to waste ANYTHING. I drink 2-3 day-old coffee, put spaghetti sauce back in the jar etc. I don’t feel the need to flush the toilet every time I use it, I think it’s a waste of water. My SO and son are disgusted by this.
Last week my SO brought a coworker to our home to use the bathroom because the co-worker had to pee real bad. Whatevs. I’m reading upstairs. My SO comes running upstairs red in the face and angry. When I heard the toilet flush I knew why. “Why in the frig are you such a nasty witch!!”‘ He asked me this all huffy. “You must have had corn because it was all in the bowl (toilet bowl) among 2 feet of crap.” He was embarrassed and I didn’t say anything.
Why can’t my son and SO just flush before they use the toilet if it’s such a big friggin deal. And as far as the co-worker – I’m sure he has seen stuff before.”
Another User Comments:
“I think you’re pretty gross, but it’s your life. The problem is that you’re living with normal people who flush the toilet like normal people.
You should either a) flush the toilet when you take a poop like a normal person or b) find someone to date who also lives like you do.
I think your way of doing things is WAY off the norm, so you need to understand that people are going to be put off by it.” bilscuits
Another User Comments:
“You are in the wrong here. It really bothers your family, and yes, it is gross. It is about respecting the feelings of other people in your family as they have to live there too.” Viperbunny
Another User Comments:
“I understand not wanting anything to go to waste, but poop is supposed to be immediately disposed of. It’s a freaking biohazard. You are a jerk of unimaginable proportions for not flushing. Flushing the toilet is not a waste by any stretch of the imagination.” Jareth86
