People Request That We Make A Statement On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
21. AITJ For Defending My Pregnant Partner From My Mom?
“So, my (M19) partner (F18) found out she was pregnant about a month ago. We really thought about if it was a good idea to keep the child since we are both still young, but we decided to keep it.
On Sunday (last week), my partner and I announced the pregnancy to my parents. This week I realized that my mom (F*9) might cause a few issues during my partner’s pregnancy.
My mom is very Catholic, she doesn’t believe in a lot of ‘modern’ things.
Two days after we told them we were gonna have a child, my mom started being very obsessed with my partner. She was asking a lot of strange questions but I won’t get into that.
Ever since my mom found out my partner was pregnant, she has been making nasty comments about women who don’t nurse their babies with mother’s milk.
My partner was hurt by this because she is physically unable to nurse (long story).
My mom thinks it’s unnatural for women to not feed their own babies. I have told my mom that we shouldn’t worry about it right now since my partner still has a long way to go but for this whole week, my mom has not let it go.
I don’t understand what my mom expects us to do, my partner cannot nurse and that’s final. It’s never bothered my partner but ever since my mom has been shaming women for it in front of her, she’s gotten extremely insecure about it.
What upsets me is the fact that my mom knows why it’s not possible. When my partner was 16, she had surgery and I helped her wash her back and hair during the recovery period. We had been together for roughly 3 months at that point and I told my mom all about it back then.
I reminded my mom several times this week but she won’t let it go. Last night I flipped out on my mom after I overheard her ask my partner ‘Don’t you feel like a bad mom for not being able to ever have a real connection with your baby?’
I shouldn’t have been so rude but I told my mom ‘if you keep disrespecting her (my partner) you won’t have a connection with your grandchild because I won’t allow you to see the baby.’
She got really mad at me and told me to leave the house.
I slept at my partner’s house because my mom locked me out. It’s currently evening (of the next day) and I’m still not allowed to go back. I don’t regret what I said but I think I might’ve gone too far.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – this IS your hill to die on. I’ve dealt with people like your mother, and the SECOND you break and give in to her behavior/accept it, she will own you and that relationship.
In her eyes, it will be seen as reinforcement and justification for her actions and behavior towards the mother of your child and it will persist indefinitely. You need to put your foot down and stay strong. Set the precedent that things are different now and that she MUST be respected. Full stop.
Such mothers are OBSESSED with grandchildren, as long as you stay firm, she will give in and adjust once the child is born, at the very worst. Frankly, extended families don’t always get along, but it’s your job as a father now to do what’s best for your child and its mother.” Mr_Extraction
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, telling your partner she won’t bond with her baby, she is literally growing that baby inside her, what bigger bond is there? That child will know the sound of her voice, her heartbeat long before they meet her!
So dads cant bond with children cause they don’t nurse? Your mom is stupid!
And furthermore, if she is religious she should know what it says in the Bible about how God gave that life to her, he chose her to give this life, and nowhere did God ever say your not a mom, f you don’t nurse!
Your mom is basically being a bully and I’m pretty sure there are millions of people out there that were not breastfed and have an amazing loving relationship with their mom.
You are right and already being an amazing parent by protecting your child from toxic crazy people.
Congratulations to you both and best wishes for your future as a family.” Really1979
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your mom is. If it were me I’d cut her off now, your pregnant partner doesn’t deserve the abuse and I can see her being really toxic to your child on so many levels.
In addition, and because I’m spiteful, I’d check tenant rights where you live and if possible sue her butt for evicting you without notice. Take that moolah and invest it for your child’s future.” DankyMcJangles
20. AITJ For Kicking A Rude Player Out Of The Game?
“I (28m) have been running a D&D campaign for some friends and coworkers for a few months, Alex (34f) is a first-time player and one of my supervisors, Peter (22m) is a co-worker and long-time D&D player who mostly played older editions, Sara (25f) is a newer player and a friend of mine from childhood, David (27m) is an old friend and experienced player, and the problem player is Kevin (25m) who is a coworker and experienced player with some mental health issues.
I try really hard to spend equal time with every character when the party splits up and let everyone have an opportunity to shine in roleplay and combat, but Kevin kept stepping on other players’ moments. When Alex finally got into RP and had an impactful interaction with a campaign-driving NPC Kevin stepped in and talked over her at the NPC to get what he wanted. When Sara’s character finally came into its own in combat and got to do some cool stuff Kevin had to rules-lawyer flavor additions (like the color and shape of her magic) and argue with both of us about how she can’t do what she wants to do.
It happens fairly frequently on smaller scales, like pushing other players into having their characters do things they don’t want them to, talking over other players while planning things, and suddenly deciding that his character is present for interactions that he shouldn’t be present for to be involved in other players moments.
So I talked to the table in general about letting everyone have their moments in the sun, and it seemed to be a little better for a session, but it started to happen more again. I talked to Kevin one on one about it and he said that he was just afraid of feeling left out because he feels like everyone hates him so he has to contribute and prove his value to the team, but that he would try to be better.
And it was for a little while, but in the meantime, Alex and Sara had come to me individually to ask me to do something about it because they felt singled out.
In the last session, we had Kevin stepped on an important character moment between Sara and an NPC (non-player character) from her character’s backstory.
He just came up and blew up the interaction and tried to turn it into a combat encounter. I had to stop and tell Kevin that he needed to chill and let the other characters have their moment or leave.
So he got angry and packed up to leave. David and Peter were pretty mad at me too because they think I singled out Kevin because of his mental health, but I don’t think I did. I think I was just looking out for my other players.
We haven’t played since because Peter and David don’t think it’s worth playing without their fifth party member.
Am I the jerk for kicking him out of the game?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Whether Kevin is suffering from mental health issues or not, that does not give him an excuse to talk over your other friends who are also playing D&D and having their moment within the game.
Some sessions have more involvement with just one character while other sessions involve everyone, that’s just how D&D works. I guess if you really wanted to try and help Kevin feel involved, you could maybe tell him, ‘Okay first I’m going to involve this character, then that character, and then you get your turn’.
But obviously, that may not work as well because it all depends on what exactly you’re doing in the game and how long it takes.” MangledAndTangled
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Kevin is doing some serious meta-gaming and has quite a bit of ‘main character syndrome.’
Those backstory moments are so special in D&D, and can really pull each player in. Having a player constantly ruin those defining moments would be absolutely infuriating.
You’ve had players approach you as dungeon master to sort this out, and now you have.
You had clearly set out your expectations to the group and had spoken to Kevin about his behavior 1-on-1, this was the correct final step for you to take.” DuckInMyHeart
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you had other players coming to you and explaining that his actions were bothering them, plus you gave him multiple chances to fix the behavior.
Bad mental health is not a free pass to be a jerk.” Zayrik
You gave him a choice, he left. That is on him and if the other two have seen how he is and what he does and are simply alright with that than you might be dodging a bullet there with them anyway, you are ntj, you spoke him to him one on one, you explained and he didnt listen. You have done more than enough.
19. AITJ For Standing Up For My Sister?
“My sister (17F) is in her senior year of high school.
She has straight A’s, 3.8GPA. S he graduates in a couple of months. Yesterday my mom received a phone call from the dean saying that my sister needs to attend a 5-hour mandatory cyberbully course on Saturday. We were shocked because my sister is in the GSA club, she is in the social justice club, and she attends rallies and constantly fundraises for causes that matter to her.
She is the last person I’d ever expect to bully anyone.
My mom asked the dean what happened and he said that they found out she followed an Instagram account called ‘her school’s name_ rumors’ and it had over 700 followers, and it would talk trash about all the other students at her school.
My mom knew about the account, as she heard my sister and her friends talking about how messed up it was and who they thought ran the account. They followed it and wanted to make sure no one talked crap about them.
They reported it to Instagram but nothing happened.
My mom gets nervous about confrontation so since we were both on speaker with the dean (and thankfully sound the same) I took over. I said that ‘my daughter’ would not be attending the cyberbully course as she did not cyberbully anyone.
I said that she had brought the account up to her counselor before and the administration had obviously done nothing about it, so why should she be punished for something she not only did not play a part in but tried to stop?
I then asked if they made every student that followed the account attend this course. They said, ‘only the students whose Instagrams we could trace. Some students only have an initial, and their account is private so we can’t make all students attend.’ This proved my point further that if they weren’t going to make this a school-wide event, and just target the kids they could, that it was stupid.
I said it was unfortunate that the account was up for as long as it was, but my daughter would not be there Saturday.
About an hour later, we got an automated phone call from the school saying that next week students will be giving up their lunch periods to attend the cyberbullying course.
They’re allowed to eat during it but now it’s mandatory. My sister found out what I said to the dean and she said she should have just gone on Saturday and now everyone has to suffer. She feels bad, and now I feel bad.
Should I have just sucked it up and said ok?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The school is being ridiculous. Also, it shouldn’t be taking away lunch periods, therefore, punishing an entire school because they can’t locate the true jerks. If they deem it necessary to remind students bullying isn’t tolerated, they need an assembly.” Thart85
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you and your mother absolutely did the right thing. This is a much more reasonable solution for a school-wide problem, and a FIVE-HOUR course on a weekend is ridiculous. I think every other person who was identified and informed about the 5-hour thing is probably thanking you right now.” DisneyBuckeye
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They probably realized that you were right and decided it was better to have everyone attend as opposed to singling out the ones that they could trace. With that many (700! Ouch) anyway, sounds like the school could use a tune-up.” otternonsense7
18. AITJ For Banning My Brother-In-Law From My House?
“Whenever my husband is away, the frequency of my brother-in-law’s visits increases. In the beginning, I thought it was because I knew very few people in the area and he was keeping me company for the sake of my husband.
However, I’ve recently realized it’s because he’s ‘keeping an eye on me’ instead.
I had a male childhood friend visit me. My brother-in-law also visited while my friend was here and he started grilling both me and my friend about why he was there.
It was obvious what he was getting at and he almost had a fight with my friend.
I ended up getting frustrated so I told him not to come back to my house until my husband got back from his trip (which was two days ago).
He was angry and told my husband what happened but made it seem a lot worse. Now that my husband is back, he’s coming over again but my brother-in-law is treating me completely different from how he was treating me before this all happened.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and the bro-in-law sounds very sketchy. In my experience, people who throw around his kind of shade are unfaithful dogs. Casting doubt on you takes the focus off of his shenanigans.
Love your husband, be cordial but keep your distance from the creeper.
Smile, say hello, and excuse yourself to another room when he visits. And yeah, it’s a hard no when he shows up and you’re alone. Time will expose his game. Wait him out or risk being the jerk.
Make sure hubby understands that you’re uncomfortable being alone with the guy.
No need for a scene, unless BIL crosses a line. Then it’s game on. Unnecessary drama can be detrimental to your relationship with his family. It’s not worth it because he’s likely to be the ex-BIL someday.” boncotte
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This man-made you feel uncomfortable in your own home implied that you are a liar, and offended your guest to the point of it almost becoming a physical altercation. Does he not like you and wants to find something he can run and tattle to your husband about in hopes of breaking you up?
Does he have a secret crush on you and is hoping to make a move while his brother is away? Or is he just an idiot who thinks you’re a helpless little woman and you can’t manage to survive without a big, strong man to look after you?
Whatever his reasons for deciding to ‘keep an eye on you,’ he needs to knock it off. This is not normal behavior.” ChildofMerlin2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Could what he’s doing be considered stalking? He’s watching you while his brother is gone, inferring you’re having an affair, refusing to respect you or your authority over your own house, and treating you like possession of his brother’s.
He’s like… literally watching you, your movements, and keeping track of who visits you, and then deciding whether or not you’re allowed, visitors. That’s really, really creepy and really not normal.
You don’t feel comfortable with BIL around? That’s it.
End of story. He makes you uncomfortable, he’s not allowed in the house while your husband isn’t there. You do not have to be alone with him, and you do not have to allow him in. You’re not a prized goat that he needs to constantly check the tethers on, lest you chew yourself free and run off to merry goatdom.
Not only that, he’s lying to your husband and making it out as if merry goatdom is what you’re doing when you’re not. He’s deliberately making it sound much worse to negatively impact your relationship, and then acting differently when around your husband.” CalypsoContinuum
17. AITJ For Not Caring About My Brother's Game?
“This starts a couple of hours ago, where myself, my brother (we’ll call Sam), and my friend (we’ll call Jake) are chatting after playing a game together.
I’m sorta chilling between games while Jake is lightly intoxicated and talking with me about politics and some other stuff. Sam is playing Valheim on my private server where he’s currently exploring some tough areas on his own.
Anyway, I end up joining the server while still talking to Jake and quickly realize that there are no resources to upgrade my gear.
This has been a problem for a while: I’ll go out and get a ton of resources, and by the time I’m done I’ll go ‘right, time to upgrade my gear’ and the resources are all gone because Sam has decided to upgrade his gear first without telling me, and now his gear is significantly stronger than mine and I have to go gather all those resources again.
But anyway, I go out and start to get new resources. Jake is still talking to me about stuff and then offers to play a game with me, but I explain I’m already playing Valheim. Sam (who lives with me, by the way, and has all the time in the world to play games with me) suddenly starts yelling and screaming because apparently, he lost his game because he was distracted by Jake’s talking.
Jake gets put off by this and leaves the call, and I apologize for Sam’s behavior. Sam then gets upset because I’m not immediately helping him gather his gear (which, again, is on his corpse in a high-level area which I’m not prepared for because he’s rushed ahead without me and with all the resources that are needed to make me ready), and that I’d rather talk to Jake.
Mind you, while he’s screaming and slamming on tables, it’s currently 3:30 am and our father is trying to sleep. He’s the sole breadwinner in the house, has to wake up by 4:30 am to get to work each morning, and Sam’s room is right opposite his.
Anyway, Sam is calling me the jerk because I didn’t immediately drop everything including my best friend to deal with him and his gear in a game where said gear is not only replaceable but will still be there in 30 minutes.
I think he’s the jerk for thinking the infinite multiverse revolves around him and what he’s doing right at that moment.
Am I the jerk for not immediately helping him with his game or would I have been the jerk if I instead chose to help him in the game over trying to do damage control between my brother and my friend?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it sounds like he straight just took all your stuff, upgraded his stuff, and went and died. Just leave him to deal with it, though grinding in valheim is a griiiind. If it’s copper or iron though, just ignore him, it’s not like that won’t be fixed with an hour and a cart.” Razdiralec
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your brother sounds like a spoiled and entitled child. I’d honestly kick him off your server, grinding is already a pain in the butt without someone stealing all your hardworking. That’s just bad MMO etiquette.” The_Goddess_1813
16. AITJ For Not Signing A Waiver?
“At the end of February, a taxi hit my parked car and damaged the left side mirror. The driver left a note with all their contact information and asked me to work directly with them instead of insurance or their taxi company, so I did.
We have been in communication and it has been very difficult as the person has very limited English. There has likely been a significant miscommunication between us due to this. I got the estimate for the work, and he told me it was too high and to bring the car to be fixed at his friend’s house.
I said I would only use a shop for my safety and to ensure the work is done correctly. I asked him where he wanted me to get a second estimate, and eventually, he told me this one was fine and he would pay.
It has taken a few weeks to get him to pay the shop as he told me he was quite sick. With what is happening right now, that seemed more than possible to me. The cost is also quite high, $575, so I knew he may need time to pull together the funds.
It is my daughter’s car, and she is currently in college, so there was no need to immediately get the car fixed. He told me he was going to pay the shop yesterday. When he got there, he called me frustrated that I wasn’t there with a note signed saying this was all the amount I’d asked for.
I apologized that I misunderstood that he wanted me to do this. I told him I’d sign a note once the repair work is done. He asked me to talk to his wife who speaks better English.
The wife has now started accusing me of delaying getting this done with, of making her husband sick with worry, of not meeting them halfway while they are in financial difficulty and stress, and that I need to immediately sign a note that I won’t ask for more compensation.
She has said they got a repair estimate for $500-550 (without having my car), so if more work needs to be done they won’t pay and need to involve their insurance agency. It feels like a high-pressure manipulation. I continue to tell them I will sign a note once the repair work is completed, but not before.
And that I have no intention of asking for anything unless the repair shop realizes it is a bigger job than they initially estimated.
AITJ for insisting to wait to sign a note I won’t ask for more payment from a car accident until the repair on my car is completed?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – From what you’ve given you sound extremely kind and reasonable far beyond what you needed to be, and continue to stand your ground. Their situation is not your fault and it is an extremely reasonable request on your part to wait to sign a note until the car is fixed.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You should let them know they need to pay ASAP or you’re reporting this to your insurance and their taxi company. Don’t delay anymore. Also, make sure you document all your communications with them.” QuestingFeast
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but honestly with the way they’re acting, I would say screw it and contact their taxi company and insurance information and just go through insurance.” HogwartsAlumni25
15. AITJ For Avoiding My Brother's Partner?
“I (16m) have a twin brother who is gay. His partner, ‘Will’ (17m) came out this year and it did not go over well with his family.
For nearly three months now, my mother has let Will spend a couple of nights a week at our house as he can’t go back to his parents’. He spends the other few nights with family friends.
I can’t stand Will.
I feel bad for him and his situation, but that doesn’t make him any easier to live with. He’ll go out of his way to annoy me, deliberately waiting on the stairs to knock into me or ‘accidentally’ standing on my feet/hands.
He takes my clothes and food without asking and unplugs my laptop when it’s charging just to annoy me. He’s supposed to sleep in the living room, but he’ll come into my and my brother’s room in the middle of the night and torment me further.
Once he threw his dirty garments at my face while I was asleep. He has two older brothers and seems to enjoy not being the ‘runt’ anymore, but I can’t stand it.
My mother doesn’t do anything about it.
She says that she will, but she just politely asks him to stop or to give me my things back and doesn’t care that he keeps doing it. My brother defends him and my sister just tells me to ignore him.
Nobody in that house seems to care about my feelings.
For a while now, whenever Will comes over, I’ve taken my homework or a book to my mother’s sister’s house, which is a twenty-minute cycle from my house.
This week, I spent four days straight at my aunt’s house to avoid having to interact with Will. My aunt had no issue with this but my mother did. She called and texted incessantly, demanding I go home. When I did go home, she had a go at me for being petty, overly dramatic, and making Will feel ‘unwelcome’ considering his current situation.
She says everyone knows why I refused to go home and it’s making Will feel like he’s a problem. At this point, I don’t really care about how Will feels anymore but worry I might be the jerk because of that.
AITJ?
Edit: To the people telling me to go back to my aunt’s, my mother currently has the house locked up and my sister and I aren’t allowed to leave until this is resolved.
Edit: We’re on in isolation because my mother has basically blocked the stairs and is keeping me and my sister in our rooms. My brother is sleeping in the living room.
My sister is being punished because, while I was at my aunt’s, she became Will’s target. He tackled her on the stairs and she scratched his face. My mother wanted her to apologize but she refused and told them both to get lost. There is no proper counselor at my school, just someone who visits one Wednesday a month.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Even though Will’s obviously going through some unimaginably painful stuff, that doesn’t excuse his behavior. Instead of lashing out at him, you went over to your aunt’s house so that you could be in a safe and welcoming environment.
You did what you needed to do to make sure your boundaries weren’t continually violated, and if Will is offended that you left, then maybe he should reconsider the way he’s been treating you instead of continually playing the victim.
It’s understandable that he’s in pain and that he’s taking it out on you, but that doesn’t make it okay. And I’m sorry that your Mom keeps taking his side and gaslighting you. You haven’t done anything wrong.” st4rgazer02
Another User Comments:
“‘She says everyone knows why I refused to go home and it’s making Will feel like he’s a problem.’
She’s right. And it’s because Will is the problem. If she wants to resolve this, she needs to put on her grown-up hat and lay down rules for Will staying there, which include not being a bully to you.
Look, Will obviously has a tough situation going on. And it’s admirable that your mom wants to help, but not at the expense of her other children.
Perhaps put it to her like this, ‘If Will’s actions towards me continue, it’s going to put tension on my relationship with you, with my brother, and most certainly with Will.
In 5 years, you’re going to have someone not talking to you anymore because of this situation. Would you prefer it to be me or Will? Because if you cannot put boundaries down to make this behavior stop, it will likely be me.’
Honestly, Will needs boundaries and probably counseling. He’s lost his family over being who he is, which is traumatic and sucky. Does he realize that the same bullying he received from his abusive family is being directed onto you? That he’s gone from victim to offender?
And yes, I mean offender – he’s physically trying to intimidate you and could possibly hurt you.
NTJ but your mom needs a ‘get your head out of your butt’ talk.” Ladygytha
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom is too busy feeling sorry for Will that she enables his bullying and your other siblings do the same thing.
His situation doesn’t give him a pass to be a jerk. If I were you tell your mom that you want to live with your aunt and that Will makes you feel unwanted in your own house because he terrorizes you by picking on you.
I would also say that his situation doesn’t give him an excuse to treat you like dirt. You also need to tell her and everyone in that house that what Will is doing isn’t a joke to you, it’s annoying and disrespectful how he targets you specifically.” PuzzleheadedNewt4933
14. AITJ For Confronting My Awful Roommate?
“I (19m) am in my first year of college. I’m a pretty social guy but for the first semester of school, I was really struggling mentally and shut myself in a lot.
My flatmates created their own little group, kinda excluding me and another person in my flat. I didn’t really mind cause I had my friends outside and I thought I was on good terms with them. Turns out according to my other flatmate they had been talking a bunch of trash behind my back.
As well as hiding my stuff in the kitchen and no one telling me where it was. Apparently one of them even took my entire utensil drawer at one point.
I was also pretty sure someone had been entering my room when I wasn’t there.
I used to leave it unlocked cause I trusted them but that changed after. One night, after going out, I entered my room to find my guitar on my bed. I haven’t touched my guitar in months. In a moment of frustration, I went to the only flatmate in the house at the time and told him to stay out of my room and mind his own business.
After that, everything seemed fine until the same flatmate started leaving sarcastic notes around the kitchen when he was annoyed with something. I put up with it for a while but I finally got annoyed and went and told him that if he had an issue he could come and talk to me like an adult and stop acting like a coward.
He proceeded to call me super annoying.
This frustrated me cause all I did was mind my own business. They would constantly shout and scream at night and slam on my door. I wouldn’t complain cause I knew it was just a part of living with students.
Now that I’ve confronted him again I know they all talking behind my back again and pretending to be friendly. Other than him who never talks to me? I feel they are in the wrong but part of me feels that they wouldn’t talk badly about me if there wasn’t something wrong with me.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You deserve your own space and any entering your room uninvited is WRONG. Sounds to me like you need a healthier living environment. Good luck.” FunJunkieNH
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You have only confronted him.
‘I finally got annoyed and went and told him that if he had an issue he could come and talk to me like an adult and stop acting like a coward.’
Precisely! If they have any issue with you for whatever reason, that’s one thing, but a reasonable adult COMMUNICATES about it.
What are they doing? Going through your things, ignoring you, and then acting like you are a problem when you call them out? You need better roommates.” No-Jellyfish-1208
13. AITJ For Not Wanting To Go To College?
“My father, when I was 6 years old abandoned my mom, my bros, and me to be with his mistress. We got zero support from him. My mom was a mess as she couldn’t let my brothers continue with their college education.
My eldest brother had to join the military to support us. The other 2 brothers also had to get a job to chip in to pay the bills. It’s important to note that my brothers and I have a 10+ years age gap.
Since our father abandoned us we moved around a lot. We never had or rented a decent house that doesn’t leak when it’s raining or gets flooded. That has been our life in the past 13 years. Despite all of those things, I have remained an honor student.
I am now 19 and am supposed to be in my 1st year of college but I wasn’t able to enroll because my brother (3rd) was late in sending the funds to pay for my tuition fee because he ‘doesn’t feel like it.’ I mean he says he wants to but his actions say that he doesn’t.
I was devastated because school was the only thing I know I’m okay at but I had to shut up and******* up because I am aware that I am not his responsibility and I am not entitled to a cent of his money.
My mother is in no position to work because in our country individuals beyond 50 are not accepted to work. 2022 came and I decided that I am not going to College anymore and just working because I don’t want my brothers to pay for my education anymore due to the guilt I feel as if I am using their hard earnings for myself.
Earlier today, my mom and I had another talk about college. She is really pushing me to go to college and even said that I basically******* up and finish a course as brothers 1, 2, and 3 will chip in and pay for it.
I told her I don’t want to because they are unreliable and I don’t want to be disappointed. I didn’t tell her the truth about my feeling bad for using their saved-up moolah.
My mom then said that she would use her inheritance to send me to college and I said no because I want that moolah for her to be used as her funds to buy land and build a decent house so she doesn’t have to wake up at 12am when its raining and put basins and bowls on the floor to catch the water.
She said that I was being selfish and that my not being in college is her last straw and threatened to go MIA on us because she’s getting tired of what has been happening.
I know she’s being selfless but I don’t think it’s fair to guilt-trip an already guilt-filled person into doing something.
I am not being selfish I am just simply guilty of having to use their money for another 4 years, and if I fail? I don’t want to carry the burden of knowing that my mom spent her last cent on me and I failed her.
I already have too much going on.
So am I the jerk for refusing to go to college?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It sounds like everyone is trying for each other.
Talk to your mom honestly. Tell her that after 13 years of your brothers helping to support you, you are uncomfortable taking their money.
Tell her that after 13 years of her sacrificing for you, you want her to have some security.
And listen carefully to her. Does she feel that she failed your brothers and this is her last chance to give one of her sons the start he deserves?
Does she hope that your university education will let you support her so that her old age is more comfortable?
Talk to your brothers too, if you can. Tell them that you feel bad that they have spent so many years paying for your needs.
Ask them what they hope you will do. Ask them what they need from you.
You’ve all had hard lives; things won’t magically get wonderful for everyone. But if you talk honestly about your hopes and fears, your wants and needs, your desires and regrets, you will have a better understanding of what your options really are, and what those options could mean for those closest to you.
And you will be able to make choices that will not just reflect what you want now, but what matters to you long term.
Your father failed your mother. You are clearly thinking about your family, and what they want and need, not only about what you want.
I don’t think there is much risk that your mother will think you failed her if you continue on this path — no matter what happens with college.” Homer_04_13
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It’s a tough situation, but I think you should go to college if your brothers are willing to help pay for it.
So many opportunities will open up for you when you graduate, and you’ll be in a better position to help your mom. And you won’t fail if you go. With everything that’s happened, the constant moving and lack of money, you were still able to be an honest student.
You will succeed if you decided to go to college.” LeReineNoir
Another User Comments:
“I think it’s reasonable that you are feeling the way you are, but I encourage you to take a step back and reconsider the situation.
‘And if I fail?’
And what if you don’t?
You were an honor student, which means you are capable of putting in the work. You managed to get into college already, which means that you meet the requirements for attending. Going to college can also help you obtain the qualifications you may need to pursue a career that can help alleviate the financial burden that your family is currently facing.
If you put in the work now, you may be able to turn around and help your brothers and mother in the future once you are financially secure. Yes, you can still find a job without going to college and obtain financial security, but if going to college was your dream then please don’t give up on it so easily.
Talk to your family again and see what can be done, maybe even get a part-time job to help cover the cost of books/transportation, etc. to make you feel less guilty.
Best of luck!” Electronic_Trick_13
12. AITJ For Not Being Responsive When My Friends Need Emotional Support?
“My friend’s pet has been going through health challenges and they and their family have been worried sick.
The little guy is on antibiotics, prebiotics, etc. and understandably my friend is stressed. I try responding when I can and checking in, but it’s hard because we live in different time zones, our health organization is experiencing a type of emergency, and my work schedule keeps changing.
I’ve been working weekend and evening shifts as well to better assist the org — this isn’t an option btw it’s part of my contract. I have to come in and support in emergency situations. When I am able to respond sometimes it’s already the next day for my friend.
That’s how crazy apart our time zones are. The timeline also couldn’t get better…
I work in a healthcare setting and we have been slammed by an organizational emergency which means work-life balance has been absolute trash. I barely text anyone when I’m off work, I’m working even when I’m off the clock to support other staff, etc. I explained to my friend that I am pretty burned out and can’t be on my phone while at work.
And when I’m home I just want to flatline and veg out. They seemed to sympathize but kind of wrote it as an ‘I know you’re busy,’ while continuing to get short with me. It feels passive-aggressive.
I feel like they’ve been gray rocking me and freezing me out because I’ve been slower to respond, recently 4-5 days late which makes me feel awful and the jerk. Normally I take a day mostly to respond to them because of the time zones and my work schedule.
The support I am able to offer doesn’t seem to be enough but I don’t know what I can do to make it up to my friend.
Please be firm but kind.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: Your friend might be going through a rough spot but you have to take care of yourself.
Do what you can for them and if that’s not enough for them then too bad.” Grakulen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are doing your best. You have a life outside of your friend. And I mean I know it’s a pet and it’s sick, but pets don’t live forever.
We all know this. How much emotional support does a sane and rational person require in this situation?” Just-Collar-5517
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’ve been through this. Nothing will be good enough for people who want you to drop things for their problems but won’t consider that your needs include space and rest and boundaries.” yourbriarrose
11. AITJ For Telling My Sister-In-Law My Kids And I Are Not Going To Her Wedding?
“I (M34) and my wife (F33) have been together for just under 10 years (married 6) have 3 kids all boys (11-my stepson, 5-autistic, and 5 months). My SIL(22) wants my boys to be ring bearers.
Small backstory, my and SIL do not see eye to eye on anything.
I am pro-LEO raised traditionally and hold my values close. SIL is very liberal and has to be the center of attention. Previously when she graduated college she had a pool party and demanded that our kids be out of the pool during her thank you speech.
I bit my tongue due to her being intoxicated and my wife and I were going through a rough patch.
So my wife is helping her plan the wedding (great big sister) but she is not at the wedding party.
Weird but not surprising as my wife shares the same values as me.
Fast forward to last week, SIL and wife are talking about the wedding/reception. I overhear that she wants the kids in the wedding 11yr old have already said he didn’t want to be in any more weddings and SIL is insisting he does it.
I interject you can ask him in person and if he says yes it’s okay. The other boys are okay. They start taking venues and MIL suggested winery’s near our houses and get a loud NO from SIL.
SIL wants to do the wedding in the middle of nowhere in the desert.
I tune them out and we leave a few hours later. When we get home wife tells me SIL wants no kids at the wedding/reception.
I ask my wife what about our kids as they are at the wedding. Wife tells me SIL wants the kids at the wedding and not the reception.
AITJ for telling my wife if the kids can’t go to the reception we will not be attending the wedding?
SMALL EDIT: the ‘we’ refers to me and the kids, if she wants to go still I’m all for it.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You seem very controlling and way too obsessive about politics. Every chance you get you ‘other’ your SIL.
And you seem to have some obsession with knocking her down a peg every chance you get to the point you think ‘holding your tongue’ is mature. Real life is not a social media meme war. Grow up.
This is not your wedding and you have no place making demands.
Plus it would be extremely petty to skip a sibling’s wedding over her not changing her reception for your convenience and control issues. That’s a height entitlement mindset right there. Plus your wife gets an equal say. How are you unilaterally going to ban your wife from taking her kids to her sister’s wedding?
Kid-free receptions are perfectly reasonable. Why would you want your kids around dozens of wasted people including plenty of strangers anyways? The reception is an ADULT-themed PARTY where adult activities take place. That’s why they are often kid-free. Would you take your kids to a bar to hang out with a bunch of wasted strangers?
Probably not. A wedding reception is basically that in my opinion. It’s not a personal slight against you or your kids. Drinking and kids don’t mix and wasted weddings where adults can act inappropriately for children are not a great hill to die on as a parent.
Your kids would probably be bored anyways.” dogchick1985
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You for the rather irrelevant backstory.
Your SIL for trying to insist that (1) the kids be in the wedding whether they want to or not and (2) that the kids be in the wedding but not be welcome at the reception without making a plan (I’m not saying the kids wouldn’t prefer not being at the reception but if you are going to insist they be in the wedding, you need to make plans for them for the reception.
even if it’s offering to pay for childcare and fun activities.)
And you again for insisting that if the kids can’t go to the reception, the entire family won’t be going to the reception.
Ignoring your not-so-subtle judgment about your SIL’s wedding location and what you obviously view as her ‘all about me’ behavior.” rak1882
Another User Comments:
“YTJ in so many ways and for so many reasons but I will give you one little concession that the demands for the wedding/reception and its location present a problem but even then you are being a controlling humanoid.
Having the wedding/reception in the middle of nowhere in the desert and expecting the kids to be in the wedding but not at the reception automatically means someone has to leave after the wedding to look after them.
This requires some discussion with your wife about how this could be arranged. The boys may well have had enough after the wedding and therefore you could take them somewhere fun have a change of clothes in the car and do something fun with them before heading home.
I think you would enjoy this more than attending the wedding of some liberals that don’t have the same values as you. Although that is a rather limiting vision to have in life.
Everyone is entitled to their views (even you) but not everyone has to have the same views.
I probably have many ideas about life that you would hate but that does not mean I am not a worthwhile and valuable member of society. Same for your SIL and you.” W1ldth1ng
In addition, where she has her wedding is also her choice. You say it's "in the middle of the desert" but it's probably on a beach or the dunes in NC or somewhere significant and beautiful to her, but it's not what you would do and "she's a liberal" so its "stupid." It's not your wedding, get over it.
Finally, having no kids at a wedding is normal. Having kids at the ceremony but not the reception is also normal. Receptions are full of drinking and can go late into the night. They have to pay for the food which is likely not going to be eaten by kids because kids just want chicken nuggets. When kids get tired and hungry they cry and scream and can ruin an otherwise fun party. She would be a jerk if she didn't give notice that it's a kid free reception. But that's not mentioned, and it sounds like you have plenty of time to figure out childcare. Or better yet, you can take the kids home after the ceremony and skip it too, because it sounds like you wouldn't be much fun at the party anyway
10. AITJ For Holding Grudges For The Negative Awards That I Got?
“It’s my last year of secondary school and the yearbook nominations are really cringy, but a few of them are negative and I really don’t like them.
So I spoke to my head of year – who said that nobody had ever gotten offended at them before. Here are the categories that feel really iffy to me:
• Most likely to get together. This is a big no because of how invasive it is but also teachers get to see it and it’s sort of like having ‘here’s all the teasing that you’ve endured rubbed in your face whenever you look back on it’.
• Teacher’s pet. I get this a lot because I participate a lot in class, as a neurodivergent person, I really enjoyed answering questions in class until someone called me that and made me feel like I was doing something wrong.
It’s a massive killjoy and if I got this I wouldn’t show up at prom or leavers assembly because it really is having something negative rubbed in your face.
• Worst fashion sense. This is so toxic and I don’t think I even have to explain why.
People can wear what they want and having people vote on it feels really negative and just horrible in the same way that public shaming feels.
Am I being too sensitive and should I just******* up or is this reasonable?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Some people are comfortable with things like these, and some feel upset. It also matters whether it was really only for fun or mean-spirited. Think: ‘worst fashion sense’ category. Are we all laughing because one person is crazy about fashion, or are we laughing because a poor kid cannot afford clothes others have?
That makes a huge difference.” No-Jellyfish-1208
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This kind of stuff needs to go away in my honest opinion. The small-minded people who actually care about it are the same ones who are peaking in high school and that’s probably the only superlative they’ll ever get.
Speak your mind, make your feelings known, but be ready for nothing to change. Then march yourself right out of there and go have a fantastically awesome life without those jerks.” User
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I can see why you’re upset but I also think you’re overreacting.
A teacher’s pet is a very common one. Who cares if you get called a teacher’s pet? Most likely to get together is a little odd, but again, who cares? The fashion one is the weird one to me. But these are superlatives, they’re just for fun, no one takes them seriously and no one looks at their yearbook after a week.” SportsFan242
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I guess if everyone is in on the joke and it’s done in good spirit then it’s not a huge deal but I agree that it’s kind of weird to have these categories in the first place, and I feel like there must be other people at the school who find it tactless (also I can see some parents not having a positive reaction to it).
It would be so easy to reframe some of those categories to be not quite so negative (‘most unique fashion sense’ for example) so I’m not sure why someone would insist on making it an inflammatory thing.” chablismouth
9. AITJ For Not Inviting My Dad's Wife To Visit My Baby?
“My (32F) dad got together with his gf about 8 years ago (married 2 years ago).
I am close to my dad so I saw her whenever I was at his place, but she and I have never had a relationship. We are civil and have dinner/go places with my dad, but other than that have no contact.
If I can get away with not inviting her to something without being considered impolite, I will, because I don’t enjoy her company. I don’t gel with her as a person nor does she with me, but we have no issues.
My husband and I are going to welcome a baby girl via surrogate in three months and because we live in a different country, I am organizing with my parents when to visit the baby. My mother will be arriving a couple of days after the birth with my stepdad, and he will still for a few days and she will stay for a month to help out with the adjustment period (my husband is happy with this).
I told my dad that he is welcome to come as soon as he is able (after a couple of days I’m keeping it for just me and my husband) and that I don’t mind at all if he wants to come when my mother is here as they have a cordial relationship and we have the space, whenever he is able to take time off work/wants to come and stay for however many days.
However, I told him that his wife is not invited at this time, as with a new baby I am not in the mindset to be hosting, and just want family around the baby.
Dad was not happy. He feels that he and his wife are a package deal, and I feel that while this might apply to Christmases and other events where it’s appropriate for plus ones (I had her at my small wedding, for example), things are typically considered family-only are for people considered family by the person who is the subject of the event, and his wife is not family to me.
He said he is hurt she is being excluded but realistically, I don’t see it as exclusion, more that he has a family obligation that she doesn’t, much like events she attends with her own children.
Additionally, between my mother, my husband, my stepdad (in the first week), and the newborn nanny, I don’t want many more people staying in the house as it will become crowded. To top it off, who does my dad think is going to entertain his wife while he spends time with me or the baby?
I just don’t see it as sensible for her to come, but he’s very upset about it. I think he’s being sensitive. I understand that he wants her around but this isn’t about her or him. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. To be the issue is that you view your stepmom as someone who needs to be entertained. That means you see her as someone that will not be helpful during a period in your life where what you need is help.
However, I have to admit that your dad sees her as the baby’s second grandma. So this is really tricky. I think the answer is Dad and Stepmom staying at a hotel. When dad visits, it can be for brief periods.
Stepmom can come or not – but you can make it clear to whoever is in the home that no one is obligated to entertain her.
I would suggest that your Stepmom’s ‘grandparent’ name is going to be a thing.
Maybe not to her. But possibly to Dad. So figure out what you will be referring to Stepmom as to the baby now and give Dad a heads up so he can process it and move on. It doesn’t have to be formal – just an ‘it’s great that you and Stepmom will be coming that week so the baby can meet their Gramps and (insert)’ Whether it’s her first name.
Auntie. Whatever.” rak1882
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s your house and rules. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Why feel obligated to invite someone you are not comfortable with to be around you and your baby during a vulnerable time?
I invite my dad without his SO because I’m not close to her nor has she ever attempted to make me feel welcome at any point.
Make a decision on what makes you most comfortable and enjoy your baby!
Take it from a mom who had to deal with everyone’s opinion on what I should and shouldn’t do as a mother.” Dry-Gas6973
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’re expecting your dad to go on an international trip and excluding his partner of 8 years… of course he’s upset.
If you don’t want to host that many people at a time, it’s completely reasonable to say that it’s best they stay at a hotel or wait until your mom leaves. But while you don’t see her as family, she’s his and it doesn’t sound like she’s done anything to you.
Why does she need to be entertained? She’s an adult.” LightningLilac
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Please ignore all these people who think your boundaries and comfort level in your own home in the days/weeks immediately after giving birth to your first child come second to your dad’s wife’s feelings.
Sometimes people aren’t invited to things… oh well. I would feel beyond uncomfortable pitching a fit to be invited somewhere I’m not wanted during intimate familial bonding time. That’s just awkward.
She doesn’t have a relationship with you it’s beyond weird to expect that.
Your relationship with your stepdad is different in that it’s an actual relationship. This isn’t a party invite being handed out in an elementary school and so you don’t need one for the whole class. Your dad and his partner need to grow up.” votefawnmoscato
8. AITJ For Sharing My Account With My Friends?
“I (22f) recently got a call from my father who was annoyed about things my younger brother (6m) heard on my friend’s server for Minecraft. He saw that my account was active and decided to join.
He was on there for maybe 10 minutes with the headset just listening before asking my father questions about what they were talking about. When everyone realized a kid was playing he was kicked out from the server. My father assumed I was playing and exposed him to that stuff.
I tried to explain to him that my account was game shared so I’m not the only one who uses it. He wasn’t trying to listen or understand until my brother (19m) explained what game sharing is. He didn’t calm down and said I shouldn’t have people like that in my life when I have younger siblings and a young lady should only surround herself with decent people.
When I asked what they were talking about he said that doesn’t matter they shouldn’t be talking like that around kids in general.
When I asked my friend what happened he said they were talking about how one of the guy’s mom took away his meds saying his medicine is the reason he has anxiety, depression, and autism and he wouldn’t have them if he’d just stop using it.
Then they started making jokes to try and lighten his mood. When I explained what was going on to my dad he didn’t want to hear it and just told me to block my friends or my brother won’t play with me anymore.
I told him I’m not choosing and he could just text or call me next time to see if it’s me online or not. He said I’m choosing the world over family and hung up.
Later I found out from my other brother my father told the youngest I didn’t want to play with him and I’m choosing my friends over him which completely broke him.
Other than my brother (19m) and sister, everyone thinks I’m the a****e for not just blocking them and only playing with my siblings.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re not a jerk by having friends who are your age. Your little brother isn’t a jerk for jumping on the game either.
He should have left you to know he was going to join you though. But your dad is the jerk here for breaking your brother’s heart because he doesn’t like being looked at like an idiot and trying to control your life and make you feel guilty for being 22 with a life.
Your dad is a jerk in more ways than one.” lil-peanutbutter
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it’s your account, and you’re an adult. Your dad doesn’t get to weigh in on the decisions you make there. Unfortunately, he can restrict your 6yo’s brother’s access since your brother is a minor & lives under your dad’s care.
What’s awful is that instead of saying, ‘sorry, this isn’t something I want my kid exposed to so I’m restricting his access. If you are able to set up a space to play with him without your friends involved, we’ll consider it.
Let me know if I can help facilitate that.’ That would be the reasonable way for him to handle this… but blaming you and telling your brother that he can’t play bc you won’t kick your friends off the account is manipulative and petty.
Your dad is scapegoating you bc he doesn’t want to have to be the bad guy. Since you don’t live with him, he knows you won’t have the opportunity to stand up for yourself in front of your little brother.
Bad parents would rather drive a wedge between two of their own children – damaging your sibling bond on purpose – in order to avoid having to be a parent & being seen as too strict. That’s so vile.
In this situation, if I didn’t think a group of adults I didn’t know were appropriate online friends for my 6-year-old (fair), I’d instead offer to pay for an online Minecraft server account just for the family.
That way all the siblings, and any other family members who play MC could join in and have a safe space to hang out together. I wouldn’t expect one of my kids to boot all their friends out of their gaming community just so a 6yo could play sometimes.
It doesn’t sound like your dad games much, so that might be part of why he can’t see how unreasonable he’s being, but it’s frustrating that it doesn’t seem like he wants to understand. (I say that since your 19yo brother tried to mediate at first and it sounds like instead of trying to see your side of things, your dad just shut your 19yo brother down, too.) I don’t blame your 19yo brother too much for falling in line with your dad’s terrible take, though.
If 19yo lives with your dad, he probably doesn’t have space to rock the boat too much if he doesn’t want your dad’s scrutiny focused on him. But considering at least two of your dad’s kids are playing Minecraft, it’s a bummer he hasn’t made an effort to understand it a little better.” Ana_Rampage
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for what you asked about, though you’re a slight jerk for giving your younger brother access to a shared Minecraft server/chat channel that’s not actively kept kid-safe. The specific conversations you’re talking about don’t sound bad, but it’s really, really difficult to keep online gaming conversation among 20+-year-olds appropriate for a 6-year-old.
That requires some pretty active moderation, it sounds like that server doesn’t have it.” RainbowCrane
7. AITJ For Not Wanting To Talk To My Father-In-Law?
“I (23F) just got married in February after being together with my now wife (26f) for two years and I love her family. I am especially close to her younger sister (16f).
The sister and I hang out all the time and on school nights she had a curfew of 9 pm. I always make sure to bring her home early and we have to constantly check in with her mom and dad (who is actually her step-dad, my FIL).
One day, we went grocery shopping and ended up staying later than we thought. She called dad to say we might be late coming home, maybe another five minutes overtime. He already was upset about it and said that they would talk about it when we got home.
We got back to her house at 9:03 and as soon as we stepped in the door we got a lecture. I am an adult and don’t like being talked to like a child because it’s one of the main reasons I left my own parents and now resent my father, but that’s a different story.
Anyway, so I told him that we understand and he didn’t need to drag on anymore, even though this was an accident and the first time in two years that I hadn’t gotten her back in time to meet her curfew.
He got angry and took me back to talking to punish her more, saying for every minute she was late she would be grounded for a whole day. I don’t understand how a simple accident got this far and I was upset not only cause I was being talked down to but because I got her into more trouble by speaking my mind.
I haven’t talked to him since then because he hasn’t apologized for speaking to me like that and holding an expectation that he has for his stepdaughter over me when I’m not even his kid. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – I completely understand that his rule is ridiculous and he is so uptight. BUT, it is his rules and she has to abide by them. Being so unforgiving over 3 minutes does not bode well for their relationship, but it has nothing to do with you.
You don’t get to set their rules. You knew she was due home by 9. You should have had her home by 9. I hate it, but I still have to say YTJ even though he is a major one as well.” Impossible-Leek-2830
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She called to check in with him and let him know ahead of time that she would possibly be 5 minutes late. He’s being ridiculous and unreasonable. He’s the jerk. He should’ve just given her a warning at most and moved on.
He has no right to talk down to you in this situation. Even my strict parents didn’t yell at me for being 5-10 minutes late every once in a blue moon. Traffic happens or sometimes you lose track of time.” SirDidymusTheGreat
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. All of this is blown out of proportion. It was 3 minutes late with family. Shouldn’t be that deep at all. But it’s his kid, not yours. You should have respected that and just said ‘totally my fault bc I’m the adult.
I’m sorry,’ and left. Then if you still felt upset about the way he talked to you, you could have privately spoken to him once you both calmed down at a later date. And probably after discussing the situation with your wife.
This would have prevented SIL from getting in any more trouble and probably prevented this awkward tension between you and FIL.” SainttAugustine
6. WIBTJ If I Don't Invite My Hateful Uncle To My Wedding?
“I (20sF) am getting married to my partner of almost 6 years (20sNB). We are both queer.
I have a relatively strained relationship with my family because of a lot of complicated childhood stuff.
My bio dad’s eldest brother (60sM) has a severe mental illness that affects his cognition due to multiple psychotic episodes and has dabbled in incel adjacent/hyper misogynist ideas as part of what my grandma (80sF) has always justified as his ‘delusions’ related to his mental illness.
He has often been excluded throughout his life, and I care about him deeply as he has always been kind to me, despite lots of tension because of his often inappropriate behavior toward other members of our family, especially my aunt (50sF).
Over the past year, my uncle started writing very transphobic, racist, alt-right diatribes online. My grandma thinks this is a healthy outlet because ‘at least he’s not buying weapons and shooting up malls.’
A lot of my uncle’s rants end up calling for violence against trans and queer people, even if it’s not directly said that way.
I have tried to talk to him about it privately but he simply isn’t open to anything that contradicts his opinions. Last week, I shared a funny meme about a certain British transphobe who wrote Those Magic Books, my uncle very publicly got into it with me and a few of my trans friends saying that he disagrees with ‘trans ideology,’ he ‘believes in evolutionary biology not woke science’ & of course ‘that’s just his opinion, he has nothing against trans people.’
Before this, my partner and I were okay with inviting him to our wedding, chalking it up to his age, as other family members that I have a lot more conflict with generally are going to be invited. After this argument, my partner and I decided that we wouldn’t invite him and removed him from our guest list, because as queer and trans folks we, of course, have a lot of LGBTQ+ friends and don’t want to have someone who spent an entire day yelling about trans people on the internet to cause a scene/make anyone feel unsafe, including my partner.
This has caused a little bit of drama because some of my relatives think that if I’m inviting other family members with whom there have been conflicts in the past, that my uncle’s mental illness is to blame, it’s only ‘fair’ that I invite him too, and if we don’t, I would be the jerk and that I’m not being ‘understanding or inclusive’ if we don’t invite him because of his views.
I personally think that’s not a super great approach to mental illness overall. I have friends who have similar diagnoses and aren’t transphobic bigots, but also I’m very hurt by the things my uncle said and don’t think I WBTJ if I didn’t invite him but did invite people who haven’t recently said incredibly hateful transphobic things.
So, WIBTJ if I didn’t invite him over this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Mental illness does not directly make anyone transphobic or racist. That’s something that’s on him. As a queer person myself, I totally agree that someone who would make your partner and LGBT+ friends uncomfortable should not be coming to your wedding.
That said, if you like him but decide he shouldn’t come then I don’t really see the point in inviting people you dislike/have big issues with too. Doing that is also technically ‘being fair’ so that would help, if anything.” tiredstudent456321
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Even without context, it’s your wedding, invite who you want. WITH the context, you are DEFINITELY NTJ and under no obligation to invite someone who spews hate. The only people who should have a say about who you invite to your wedding are you and your partner, and if you don’t want to invite someone who spews transphobic/queerphobic bs every chance he gets, there should be no problem with that.
Also, his ‘views’? Calling for violence is not ‘a different perspective.’ This stuff about you not being ‘understanding or inclusive’ sounds super gas-lighty too.” sweet-tea-sippin
Another User Comments:
“First of all, just being older doesn’t mean he’s trans-phobic or racist or anything else.
He is those things independent of his age. I get annoyed when people automatically assume because someone is older that means they’re automatically some way. Just like you don’t want blanket assumptions made about you, you shouldn’t be making them about anyone else.
That being said, you get one wedding day in your life (hopefully) and you should only have the people there who you actually want to have there. If you fear his presence is going to cause upset, then he’s out.
That’s it. My husband had a friend he knew for 20 years. I tolerated her because of the length of their friendship. I hated how she treated him, though, and I often bristled when in her company because she treated him poorly.
He stopped noticing and wrote it off as her mental illness, etc. When we were getting married, I said she was not invited. The end. And she wasn’t. She was never a fan of mine, either, and I just didn’t want her there-didn’t want to have to worry that one of my guests was going to be a jerk and ruin my one special day.
You get to make that call, too.
NTJ.” melouofs
5. AITJ For Not Telling My Husband His Mom Has A Partner?
“My (32F) husband (35M) and I have been married for 9 years. I’ve become pretty close to his mom (62F), she only has sons and two of them live in other countries so I’m her only DIL/daughter nearby.
I also do most of the day-to-day stuff for my husband’s family like gifts and having his mom over, and a few years ago his mom invited me to join her book club so at this point I see a lot more of his mom than he does.
I also see a different side of her, to me she’s a dynamic independent person with a lot of really fun not always PG stories who loves lemon drop martinis with her friends. To him, she’s a dignified mother of 4 and a widow of almost 20 years.
And to be fair, she reinforces that to him as well, like ‘hehe don’t tell (husband) but…’ and generally being more formal in front of him and his brothers than she is when it’s ‘just us girls.’
Months ago, I learned that she was having some sort of romantic flirtation with a friend of my husband’s. My husband’s friend is 53 so closer to her age than my husband’s, but still my husband’s friend of 15 or so years.
She’s met him plenty of times, he was at our wedding party. He and my husband are more old friends than best friends if that makes sense. I saw messages between them and kind of raised my eyebrows at her and she was like ‘oh shh that’s nothing.’ It wasn’t inappropriate texting or anything direct, but clearly a romantic overtone.
I figured it was something between harmless flirting and genuine friends with benefits, but either way none of my business. 53M is really more my husband’s friend than a mutual friend, I don’t see much of him, and the last time my husband and me and 53M and my husband’s mom were all 4 in the same room was my daughter’s christening in 2019.
It’s not like we’re having them both over for dinner all the time.
Recently, my husband found out about the relationship (which is apparently closer to FWB after all) and in the process found out that I’d actually known for months.
He’s annoyed at me for not telling him. To me, it wasn’t any of his business or even mine, and for all I knew it really was just flirting.
His mom had never actually disclosed any romantic partners to me and certainly not to my husband, but she’s an adult woman with male friends and an active social life generally, so I always assumed she was doing what adult women do.
My husband clearly did not. And again his mom made an active choice not to share that part of her life with her sons and not even really with me, what I saw was accidental. To him, this is the first relationship his mom has had since his dad.
He’s mad at 53M too, of course, though I’m not getting in the middle of that. He’s also mad at his brother for NOT being mad at 53M.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It wasn’t your information to share. Your husband is the jerk for getting upset with his mother for living her life!
I mean, sure… none of us really like to think about our parents having intimate relationships (emotional or physical)… just as our children won’t want to think the same about us… especially if it’s not with your other parent. But they do… and they will.
Your husband needs to grow up and get over himself.” ringwraith6
Another User Comments:
“Going to go against the grain here and say YTJ. If she had a partner or a hookup buddy, that’s one thing, but the other person involved was an actual friend of your husband’s, and I do feel like that changes the situation a bit.
I’d be a little annoyed if my partner didn’t tell me that my parent was in a relationship with someone I considered a very good friend. I don’t think you’re obligated to spill anyone’s secrets but in this specific situation I would have disclosed it to my partner personally.” deqb
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here a little bit.
MIL shouldn’t be asking you to keep secrets from your husband, maybe with the exception of a surprise party or telling you ahead of time about a gift she got for him.
Your husband shouldn’t expect you to report back to him about every little thing about his mom he might not know. Why does he need to know? I wouldn’t want to know anything if my dad was having an FWB relationship, and if he told my husband I still wouldn’t want to know!
It’s my opinion that ‘personal’ life shouldn’t be a part of the family discussion… but it was his friend. So that just makes me go YIKES.
And you probably should have asked his mom not to tell you anything she didn’t want your husband knowing because it puts you in an awkward position like it is doing right now.
Because then you have to remember what you can and cannot say to him.
What I do is I tell my husband that sometimes my friends tell me things they don’t want him to know. So if they do, I will not share those things because they aren’t mine to share.
He accepts that. And I basically have no relationship with his mother besides detesting her.” jammy913
4. AITJ For Restricting My Wife From Buying Starbucks?
“My wife has recently got a taste for Starbucks and started going there once or twice a week last November. Recently she’s going every day and getting venti special drinks and doesn’t finish them.
It’s getting out of hand. She’s spending around 50 dollars a week and she doesn’t even finish the drink. I asked her multiple times to at least get the tall drinks or get an amazing coffee machine. I don’t mind spending the money on a good coffee machine cause at least we all get to enjoy it and it saves funds in the future.
She doesn’t want to and I’m getting really frustrated. She is a stay-at-home wife and our son basically takes care of himself. I can afford the drink but spending 200 dollars a month on coffee is just a waste.
We can do so much with that moolah. 2400 dollars a year is a vacation – that’s the way I think of it.
We got into an argument when I saw the credit card statement and she spent 300 dollars last month. I took her credit and hid it.
She says I’m overreacting but 300 dollars isn’t a joke. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You need a more serious conversation than money. And hiding her credit card isn’t really gonna help. There’s an app for that.
(And it has dangerous implications if she needs her cards for other things).
But she’s spending a ridiculous amount on coffee if it’s cutting into your ability to go on vacations and do other things. How does your budgeting work?
Do you each get a certain amount of ‘fun money’ per month? Do you talk about your purchases? Does she spend a lot more than you do on unilateral purchases?
And the ordering a venti every day, and not drinking it or sticking it in the fridge for the next day just sounds like an intentional slap in the face to you.” Usrname52
Another User Comments:
“A gentle ‘everyone sucks here.’ I think you’re both handling this wrong.
First of all, I’ll point out the obvious it’s just plain wasteful to order ventis if you’re not going to drink them.
So your wife gets a jerk judgment for refusing to compromise on that.
But you sound like you’re not valuing the work she does. ‘She’s a stay-at-home mom and our son basically takes care of himself’ sounds like you’re upset about the fact that she’s still a stay-at-home mom, even though your son is older now.
Have you discussed this with her? What work does she exactly do while she’s home? Assuming she’s doing a fair amount of cooking/cleaning/etc you should consider how much it would cost you to hire a maid or babysitter instead.
I would wager it’d cost a lot more than $300/month. So I’d ask yourself this: do you want to take on this extra labor? Or pay for someone else to do it?
Taking away her credit card is a jerk move but I understand why you felt like you’re backed into a corner to do it (still doesn’t make it right, though).
I would say this is a bigger issue than just Starbucks alone.
Edit: also, does she get a certain allowance to spend on herself per month? Do you? That’s another thing y’all need to keep in mind. You should both have a set amount you each feel is fair to spend on yourselves.” BonBonShark
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Yes, she has a coffee addiction and 300$ is a lot to spend on Starbucks in a month. Especially if she’s a stay-at-home mom and you guys are on a limited income.
But hiding her credit card was not the fixer here.
This warrants an adult discussion from both of you; about your wife and why she feels the need to have it every day if it’s an expense you can’t afford, and about finances and how much you can afford to spend on the ‘fun money’ department.
Maybe even create a checking account with a certain amount of funds that go to Starbucks for your wife to enjoy. Whatever y’all do it has to be a decision you make together, not just you OP.” Emmiburr
3. AITJ For Being Annoyed At My Talkative Daughter?
“So my oldest daughter is 14 and she’s very blunt. Not only that but she tends to ask a lot of hypothetical questions. So I was doing my hair in my kid’s bathroom, they have 2 mirrors in theirs. And my 14-year-old and 12-year-old were there with me.
And we’re all laughing and joking and my oldest goes ‘Mommy, what would you do if I were to spontaneously combust?’ and she and my 12-year-old laugh. But I wasn’t in the mood to answer her crazy hypotheticals so I said, ‘Sometimes I think you ask questions just to hear your own voice.’ She then went quiet.
My 12-year-old was trying to spark a conversation with her but she didn’t want to answer anymore. So my 12-year-old started talking to me, while my 14-year-old walked away. This was around Thanksgiving and my 14 was still 13 at the time.
She turned 14 in January. I then found out about two days later after I said that, that she was referencing some anime called ‘Fire force.’ both she and my husband watch it. My 14-year-old doesn’t ask questions like that anymore, and I’m not going to lie but I miss it.
She doesn’t ask a lot anymore either, if she’s asked a question she’ll respond. But if I’m in the room she won’t ask her own questions. So AITJ for saying what I said?
Edit: I’ve realized just how much of a jerk I truly am.
I apologized to my daughter earlier, and she said that although she accepts my apology, she wants some time to herself to think about the conversation that we had. This is completely understandable because what I said was completely out of pocket and the sentence should have never left my mouth.
I’m going to try my best to make it up to her and make her feel appreciated, and show her that she matters to me. Not only that but I’m still looking into specialists for my daughter’s hearing and am going to get her problem treated because I want my daughter to see that she’s important to me and I want her to be around.
I was raised on the saying ‘sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me’ and it’s absolutely not true. Sometimes words hurt more than sticks and stones ever could and my words definitely hurt my daughter.
So I’m truly disgusted that I told my daughter that when she was just trying to get some attention.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. And not the gentle one that some people here are suggesting. You’re a huge, cruel jerk, and I’m going to suggest therapy, not just an apology, because I had a mother who spoke to me like this, and she did a lot more damage than she had any idea, and if this is how you speak to your daughter then I suspect you have as well, and here’s why:
When your kid annoyed you with all her questions, and you were tired, and overwhelmed, and just wanted her to shush and leave you alone, you didn’t say that. You didn’t take responsibility for YOUR feelings as an adult, or even communicate that.
You didn’t say, ‘Hey, I’m sorry, I’m kind of tired right now and not up to lots of talking and questions, love. Can we talk about this idea later?’
Instead, you not only made it about HER when it was actually about YOU, you did it in an accusatory and humiliating way.
You in no uncertain terms told her that the questions that represented her genuine curiosity about the world and the expression of her imaginative thinking were POINTLESS and meaningless and that from YOUR perspective they were so stupid that they literally just represented her ‘talking to hear her own voice.’ I’m not sure you could have said anything more hatefully or specifically belittling.
You simultaneously shamed her for being curious and made her feel incredibly stupid like she didn’t have anything of importance or meaning to say, and like she was wasting your time and being selfish and self-absorbed for speaking at all.
Do you have any idea what that does to a teenage girl’s self-esteem, which is already really precarious? Adolescent girls are statistically already made to feel as though their voices are literally annoying (like in an actual auditory sense) and less important than their male peers.
And you just reinforced all of that.
In a nutshell, you told her that her voice and her ideas had no intrinsic value. That the only reason for her to share them would be ‘to hear herself speak’. Good luck undoing that without a therapist’s help.
YTJ.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Not because of what you said, anyone can unintentionally say something hurtful or nasty at the moment. YTJ because you saw that it hurt her feelings, you have watched it affect her interactions with you for six months, and you never talked to her about it or apologized for shutting her down.
Why would you think she would ever ask you those questions again when you made it so clear you didn’t want to hear them the last time she asked one? Tell her how you feel. Tell her you’re sorry that you hurt her feelings and that you really do like her crazy hypotheticals even if once in a while you’re not in the mood to answer.” TerrifyinglyAlive
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and I cannot stress enough how deeply worried I am about this little girl. According to you, she has:
- Developed acid reflux and then hidden it from you for seven years
- Was bullied for being fat to the point she was starving herself but managed to hide that from you for two years
- Has been having a progressive hearing loss that you only found out about in June but has not been referred to an audiologist by her pediatrician or through her school
And these are the things ‘you know about.’ How on earth are you not up at night terrified about what else you’ve missed?
I feel like somewhere along the line, your daughter learned that her problems are nothing but nuisances for you, so she holds them in and tries to solve them herself. You say elsewhere that you don’t snap at her about trivial things, but I’m willing to bet all the change in my pockets that you absolutely do.
Then there’s the comment about how you have to help her when she snaps because she doesn’t regulate her emotions well. Of course, she doesn’t, because a) she’s fourteen, and b) she doesn’t have any emotional support from her parents.
Please, please get this girl some therapy. She needs someone to listen to her problems and give her advice.” millihelen
2. AITJ For Not Helping My Mom Cook?
“I (22 F) live with both my parents and my brother. Because I am old enough I help with some chores in the house. I am responsible for some of them, not being asked to do that… I just do. My brother does nothing… honestly nothing.
When my mom asks him to do something he always denies it in a disrespectful way and he always escapes by doing nothing. My dad is retired and he is laziness itself. All day he is watching TV. Despite doing the groceries and putting dishes in the machine to wash, he does nothing (I repeat he doesn’t wash them, he is just putting them in the washing machine).
All the time my mom asked him to do something he complied and found a way out, just like my brother but not that rude because my mom could wipe the floor with him. My mum is caring for us.
She always cooks and makes the rest of the chores alone because my dad is useless and does nothing. I have never asked my mom to cook something specific. Honestly, I really don’t care. Neither at Christmas or Easter. For me, it is just fine if she makes basic things like chicken in the oven with potatoes and a salad.
You know, things that are made fast.
For every special event, like Christmas or Easter, she cooks a lot. Like a lot. Despite being never asked to, from me at least. The problem is that at every event she asks me to help her because there is a lot to do.
I am a very caring person. I like sleeping at 9:30 pm and waking up in the morning because I find this a good habit for me. My mum is chaotic. She started cooking sometimes from 6 pm to 12 o’clock in the middle of the night, despite her doing nothing in the first part of the day.
She is asking for my help at around 8 pm when I am getting ready to sleep and maybe reading a book or something.
I always deny her because 1. I have never asked for a special meal at those events 2. The time she cooks is very bad scheduled 3.
My brother and father are not helping with nothing in the house anyway 4. I despise cooking, like is the last thing on earth I do and I am very happy with my other chores. I don’t understand why she always asks me for help and keeps continuing to do the same complicated recipes despite my father not helping her and we never asked for them.
I think I am a jerk because maybe I am overreacting to this and denying her every time I ask for help. But I feel like it is very unfair for me to help with all the things despite my brother (M 20) doing nothing, and my father too.
INFO 1: I don’t pay rent to my parents
INFO 2: I make many things in the house every day. Washing clothes, drying, packing, making pairs, distributing, walking the dog, cooking food for the dog, feeding her… and others… maybe she could ask someone else because we are many in the house not only me…
INFO 3: I am at university. Masters with scholarships engaged in many contests and science articles. I am working hard in the future to become a university professor. Most of the time I study. My dad is retired and my brother is a musician who is neglecting his career just singing 2 hours a day and then spending all the time with his significant other.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You are 22yo. You aren’t a child. Your responsibility isn’t based on what other people do or don’t do. You should be out on your own doing all of it for yourself. Also, you complaining about your mother’s effort to provide a nice holiday is just super jerkish.
Her schedule for cooking a holiday meal is the complete opposite of chaotic. It’s quite typical to make dishes the night before and finish up in the morning. It’s so she can actually sit down with the family and enjoy the fruits of her own labor.
Otherwise, she would be stuck in the kitchen all day just for you lazy and ungrateful lot. Did it ever occur to you that it’s a labor of love? Also, if you are too lazy and unappreciative to help her I hope she starts telling you to go off and find your own meal. She won’t, but she should.
Grow up and move out and do it on your own then decide if you’re a jerk or not.” mamabear0513
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but there’s a lot going on here.
Your overworked mom is carrying a household of four people, two of whom sit on their butts.
Now, she had some hand in creating and sustaining a husband and son who doesn’t do anything but that sucks. It’s important that you pull your weight to live there.
Cooking usually isn’t just cooking. You could do quick and easy stuff for holidays and events, but for some people, this is an act of service to their families (whether or not they appreciate it, with the worst jerk being the ones who don’t help and then whine that their favorite labor-intensive food isn’t on the table!), or carrying on the tradition, or some link to their family past.
Your mom is likely trying to pass some of this on to you as a bond. This is the kind of thing where 20 years from now, you’ll be said because ‘why didn’t mom ever teach me to make grandma’s special Italian cookies?’ or whatever.
She’s trying right now and being turned down.
So, your mom’s drowning and reaching out to you, and you’re shielding yourself from the lazy bums but shutting her out.” Sea-Mud5386
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Showing your mother respect and being helpful is the least you and your father and brother could do.
But we aren’t going to talk about those two here, you added them to show that you’re not as awful because you do the bare minimum which probably doesn’t even help your mom out as much as you think.
She specifically asks for help when she cooks and you deny her because you’re inconvenienced even though you pay nothing to live there. She is the one inconvenienced with having to wait on you three by cooking all the time.” lil-peanutbutter
1. AITJ For Telling My Partner I Didn't Like The Food She Bought?
“I (24m) moved into a new apartment at the beginning of the month and my partner (24f) helped me out by buying me groceries. I didn’t ask her to do that but she insists on being helpful like that, and I do appreciate the effort.
She bought some bacon, milk, cereal, etc. She also bought vegan sausages because she doesn’t eat meat so she said it was for her to make for herself when she comes over.
The issue is that the other day I hadn’t bought groceries and had nothing to eat so I made her vegan sausages and I found them disgusting.
I messaged her and told her this and she got upset with me. I didn’t tell her not to buy them for herself or get upset that she bought them. I just thought I would let her know that I tried them and didn’t like them.
This upset her and she said they weren’t even for me to eat in the first place. Apparently, she complained about this to her friends and they think I was an a*s about this.
Am I in the wrong here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ you tried it and didn’t like it, I see no issue in talking about it. Just like you would at dinner ‘here try this’ ‘oh yeah I don’t like that’ and move on this is no different in my opinion.
If my partner eats my food and hates it I’d just tell him that’s what he gets for eating it and laugh. You gotta replace it now though. Girls are way too sensitive to stuff nowadays. Everyone is their enemy I swear.
(Yes I am a woman) Your partner isn’t a jerk for telling you he doesn’t like something you bought for his home. You should be keeping your relationship drama to yourself not all your friends at that point you’re just trying to get people on your side and dislike your partner.” Quirky_Cantaloupe_84
Another User Comments:
“Yes YTJ.
So you ‘didn’t ask her to do that’ but your lazy self used the thing she bought. Your lack of shopping for yourself isn’t her fault and you eating the vegan stuff she bought (AND TOLD YOU it was for when she came over) is entirely on you.
Why you felt so entitled to message her that you didn’t like it is beyond me.
She was trying to be helpful with the other staples she brought you for your new kitchen and this is how you respond. She even bought bacon for you, even though she doesn’t eat meat.
YTJ YTJ YTJ” Jintess
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As long as you replaced it or offered to, I don’t see what the issue is.
If my vegan partner left some of their stuff at my house and I’ve run out of food I’d probably try it and replace it with no one none the wiser.
As long as it’s something that is replaceable / you can just buy it at the grocery store and not something homemade or rare treat that’s hard to come by.
Honestly. I don’t get what the big deal is. My partner would have just shrugged and be like ‘you didn’t like it?
Means more for me lol’. It might be a bit wasteful in the event you threw it out and you told me in that way, then it probably would’ve annoyed me yeah. But if u replaced it, I don’t see the issue.
It’s not like you’re gonna make the same mistake and eat her food again, it was just once and you wanted to try it.” shzan1
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