People Are Unsure Of Where They Stand In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
16. AITJ For Revealing The Truth To My Partner's Twitter Followers?
“When I met my partner three years ago, things were a little weird about her. She didn’t like going out, which I was fine with because I’m introverted myself, but she did like getting all dressed up for selfies. I later found out some of these were NSFW but she closed down that account after we officially started seeing each other.
About two years after we started seeing each other, I asked to see her DMs on her still active account because it was growing quite a bit. I was absolutely disgusted. The number of inappropriate messages she was getting was ridiculous.
Yes, she ignored outright awful ones, but I noticed a lot that started off as compliments but then started getting weird. Yes, she always said she had a partner and yes she did always end them when they got inappropriate but that’s not the point.
It was not okay.
I made her tweet out that she was seeing someone, her NSFW account was never coming back, and that these disgusting men needed to stay out of her DM’s. I thought everything was going fine until about a month ago.
I asked to see her DM’s again because one of her selfies had brought in a new round of followers.
It was the exact same thing.
I asked if she had deleted the tweet or something and she said no. It’s just old so no one can really see it without scrolling through a lot.
I told her she needs to be retweeting it or put it in her description, and she said that was ridiculous. How is reminding the world you’re not single especially when most of your followers are men despite being a “makeup/selfie” account ridiculous?
Well, here’s where it turns south. You have to understand my partner isn’t quite as she seems. She’s a master of the “fat girl angle” from her time as a chubby scene kid and has been using those skills to hide the fact that she’s gained 80 pounds since we’ve been together.
This is fine because I prefer women to be around 230-250 anyway so she could keep going for all I care but I doubted all these stans on her Twitter felt that way… so I made my own Twitter account.
I tweeted out a few photos of us hiking last summer (which she has lost around 20 pounds since but not super noticeable) saying “remember when we went hiking? love u” as well as some candid shots of her at the stove with captions like “love it when my girl cooks me dinner” all tagging her.
She is absolutely furious and has been for the last 2 weeks or so. I’ve explained to her that I did nothing wrong but share my life with the world just like she does. I have to assume she understands this and that’s why we’re no longer fighting.
She’s just kind of in a mood.
Was telling my friend what happened and he said I sounded “controlling”. He’s a bit of soyboy though so I brushed it off but now it’s bugging me a bit.
Anyway, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Your friend who thinks you’re controlling is a “soyboy?” If that’s what you call someone who respects the autonomy of women, you’re not really going to understand what you did wrong but you did wrong.
Also, as far as the idea that you didn’t do anything wrong by posting pics of your life together–you know why you did what you did.
You used pictures of her body to repel men, which is objectively humiliating for her. Those are your motivations and it seems like on some level she knows it. Just because there’s technically nothing wrong with wanting to show your life together, that’s not what you’re doing–that’s just your cover story.
So you’re also gaslighting her by saying anything else.” BaddestPatsy
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I generally avoid jumping straight to calling people insecure, but realistically she did nothing wrong. She deleted her nsfw account when you started seeing each other, she doesn’t respond to nasty messages, she accepts compliments, but makes sure they know she’s in a relationship.
I don’t know her motives for wanting to keep up this account (whether it be for business, fun, self-esteem, etc.) but she can post whatever makes her happy. You clearly saw that she wasn’t being unfaithful by making her show you her dms (which would have been my first instinct to break up on the spot) so I don’t really know what your issue is.” thechaotictrash
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for blaming your partner for how crappy men act online. Newsflash: men have always done this and will continue to. It’s rough enough being a woman online without having her partner betray her. She deserved a more secure partner than you.” Cytrinex
15. AITJ For Helping My Half-Cousin Contact Her Biological Father?
“I (43M) was recently contacted on a genealogy site (one of those that requires DNA samples) by someone who was my half-cousin (50F).
She told me she had recently found that the man she believed was her father was not a biological father and had done a DNA test to try and track him down, and I had been flagged as a half-cousin – my father was the brother of her father.
My father only has one brother, and she had his name, profession and general region already via her own mother who admitted the youthful affair. She asked to call me and I agreed.
She was nice as far as I could tell, and just wanted to try and readjust to her new reality of having a new biological father and whether there were any family issues she should know about.
Her son had a genetic issue that could have only come from her biological father. She wanted to know a few facts – whether he had been in a relationship at the time (he hadn’t), whether he had children who could be hurt by any revelation (there were, but they were also all 30 or over, I gave some generic details of that side of the family.
No names, no personal details), and how best to get in contact him and minimize any drama. She informed me she had an address and phone number (via a company my uncle used to be director of, and it was current and correct), and wanted me to confirm it or not before contacting that number.
I decided to be fully honest. I gave her a full and truthful account of that branch of my family as far as I was concerned – my uncle has a bunch of dark secrets that I in no way know anything about, but they don’t sound very nice, his wife is frankly terrifying beyond anyone I’ve met in my 40+ years, and I would in no way expect it to be a satisfying resolution for her.
I recommended that she write a letter directly to him, and give him the option to contact or not via a phone number. She followed this advice and copied me in on the letter. I would describe it as tactful and sensitive.
The next I heard of this was from my aunt. The first time she had contacted me in 25 years. She accused me of trying to destroy her family. She apparently had opened my uncle’s mail, and phoned my half-cousin and warned her to stay the heck away.
She then phoned me and demanded a full explanation, and I told her what had been passed on, and told her that I felt that given this new member of our family already had their contact details there was no harm in giving some basic background.
She then phoned my mother and demanded she instruct me to break off all contact with my half-cousin (not sure about the reasoning behind this one – I’m a grown-up, you make requests like this to my face or not at all?)
My uncle and cousins know nothing about this, both because my aunt blocked the communication, and I personally don’t care about that side of the family enough to get involved, but as always there is lingering doubt, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It seems like you directed her to do this in the least disrespectful and most tactful way possible. I think no matter how your half-cousin tried to get in contact with her biological father or whether you told her some details or not, there’d be some sort of blowup.
In some defense of your Aunt, I can’t imagine how’d I feel if I found out my husband had a previously unknown 50-year-old child. Not really your fault though and she should’ve directed all that anger towards her husband.” Kurrlly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You actually tried to make a difficult situation as respectful and sensitive as possible. You didn’t betray anyone’s privacy and this woman is your cousin and you did right by her. Hopefully, you guys can forge a relationship.
Well done for being thoughtful and kind.” Kjtl
14. AITJ For Not Wanting To Live With My Brother?
“I (30, F) am about to move into an apartment that my parents purchased. They were selling a piece of property and wanted to reinvest the money from that sale into a property. I will put monthly rent into an account with the hopes of buying them out one day.
I did all the work to find a realtor and look at properties that met their specifications.
My little brother, Alex, (24, M), moved to the same city about six months ago. He just graduated from college this past spring. Part of the reason my parents were even willing to make this investment in property is because I’ve been living in this city for a decade, financially independent for 7 years.
They said that it was important to them that I’ve shown I can stand on my own two feet before helping me with an investment like this.
They also asked that I find a roommate who can pay the market value in rent, as it’s a two-bedroom apartment.
For the area, that number is rapidly increasing. I currently have a roommate who we’ll call Matt (32, M), who I had promised his current room in my apartment for at least a year, as I had no idea this plan was in the works.
He’s been living with me for about nine months and we’ve become friends – he’s also very close mutual friends with two of my closest friends, which is how he ended up moving in here. I told my mom that I would ask Matt if he wanted to move with me, so I wouldn’t be reneging on my offer, putting him out, and because we live well together and he can afford the rent.
He accepted.
Fast forward to yesterday – my mom finally told Alex about the apartment and he got very upset that they are getting me an apartment and not him. He asked to live in the second bedroom, and my mom told him that was between him and me.
He called me at work and asked if he could move in with me – I told him I’d already offered the other room to Matt. He blew up my phone saying he’s entitled to live in “the family apartment” and it’s crazy that I would prioritize someone who I’ve only known for nine months over him (he’s currently kind of miserable in his living situation).
Beyond the fact that I’ve already offered it to Matt and would feel super crappy rescinding that offer, I don’t really know how I’d feel about living with a younger sibling. That’s a huge amount of shared intimacy and privacy – I don’t necessarily want my little brother privy to every person I bring home or every argument I have with a significant other, not to mention not wanting to be the person asking him to do the dishes, clean the bathroom, etc., which would 100% default to me.
He’s incredibly upset that they’ve offered something to me and not to him, which while I kind of understand, we’re in very different places in life. I’ve been settled in this city for a decade, it’s where I need to be for work, and even from a property investment standpoint, they know I’ll be here long enough for the apartment to accrue value even if I can’t afford to buy them out.
AITJ for not wanting him to move in with me?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If this agreement between you and your parents is so that you can become established before house prices get too high then allowing your brother to move in would mean you are sharing the apartment financially because your brother can claim equal part from his rent.
They can set him up with the same benefits after he proves he is capable of living on his own.
Better to benefit from a roommate paying towards the balance than to share the apartment permanently with your bro.” The_Thugmuffin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He may be in a crappy living situation, but his life choices aren’t your fault. Should the room open up later on down the road that is another discussion. However you already made a verbal agreement with your other roommate.” shadowbluboo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – All your reasons for not wanting to live with him are valid. He’s not entitled to live with you. Good on your mom for letting the decision up to you.” jeffsang
13. AITJ For Not Wanting My Wife To Hang Out With Her Friends?
“I****0) am very against my wife (F41) making the sudden decision to go to Bonnaroo this year with a group of our friends. This has never been a festival that has been of any interest to either of us, until she started hanging out with a new friend group who are mostly 10-15 years younger than us.
I want to stress that I am not controlling, and allow her to pretty much do as she pleases as long as it doesn’t seem overly risky/dangerous.
My wife allows herself to be influenced by those around her under the guise that they will watch out and take care of her.
This has come back to bite her in the behind several times, but luckily I’ve been close by and I’m pretty close to a teetotaler now (no drinking; occasional illegal substance use).
In the past year, she attended a concert with these new friends in a different city, and I learned about a week after the fact that quite a bit of elicit illegal substance use occurred, including psychedelic illegal substances.
I’m mostly ok with this as we both experimented with these things in our youth, but I was hurt that it was originally hidden from me and only came out after one of the friends commented about it.
So when the Bonnaroo idea was presented to me, I originally said let’s discuss it further and closer to time to purchase tickets.
I wasn’t happy about it at all, but I felt that maybe if I let it go for a month the idea would blow over. It hasn’t. The topic came back up and we had a nasty argument over it.
I tried to explain that it’s just too much of a risk, and I’m not going to drop what I’m doing to drive 9+ hours to come to the rescue this time. I tried to explain that I’m concerned for her with camping in 100+ heat, no real personal hygiene facilities, and the knowledge that she will pretty much start drinking when she arrives and then engage in pretty much any use her friends are doing.
That a typical hangover for her is almost 48 hours of recovery now, and that she won’t be able to take a nice shower and rest in a climate-controlled environment. And that she hasn’t camped in any heat over 65 degrees since she was a teenager.
That our friends have issues controlling their own behavior, and that at parties I have to be the adult and notify their significant others when there’s an issue with over intoxication.
None of this was met with anything other than “I don’t understand why you don’t trust me” and she decided that she would give time for both of us to calm down and talk about it again at a later time.
Well, it’s been a few weeks and my mind hasn’t changed at all and it won’t change. We will get into this again tomorrow, and I’m sticking to the “I don’t support this at all, and it’s going to create a rift in our relationship if you can’t respect that” mindset.
So, AITJ? Am I looking at this and being irrational?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, but mostly because of the way you’re talking about your wife as if she is a child. She’s right – you don’t trust her, and you don’t give any reason why.
But it is a bit strange that she is hanging out with people much younger than her, but it’s also not like she’s 30 and they’re 18. Everyone is a mature adult here.
Have you had a conversation with her about why she wants to go to the festival?
Has she invited you? There might be underlying issues that are leading your wife to act this way, or she might just want to go to a festival with her friends and have some fun. Either way, you’re treating your wife like a child and not your partner, so I can understand her frustration.” cicero-the-chickpea
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – You’re treating your wife like your child and not your partner! It’s a huge problem that you don’t even trust her enough to take care of herself and her health. Telling her “I’m going to be really upset if you get yourself into a bad and avoidable situation” is reasonable, putting your foot down so-to-speak about her going is 1000% controlling behavior.
I’m with her – why don’t you trust her? I understand why she hid the use from you the first time if this is your reaction to your grown, adult wife wanting to go to a music festival with her friends.” beantownregular
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
After reading comments and the post, it’s very clear you are only looking out for her best interest and she is being woefully irresponsible when she does go out. That being said. I think your only decision is to back down AND make it very clear that you will not leave work to rescue her if there’s an emergency due to poor decisions on her part.
It’s harsh but your wife is doing stupid stuff and you’re rescuing her from the consequences.
Simply tell her I don’t think you should go because of a, b and c but ultimately it’s your decision and I’m not going to stop you but if you get into trouble because you’re blackout or high I’m not leaving work to fix it.
Have fun and be safe.” kalkiki
Another User Comments:
“ESH – first, these two statements are mutually exclusive: I want to stress that I’m not controlling” and “I pretty much allow her to do…” If you think it is your place to ALLOW your partner to do anything, then you ARE controlling.
Neither one of you gets to ALLOW in a healthy relationship- she is your partner, not your child. Second, you talk about not being able to rescue her if she needs it, I get where you’re coming from, it seems good and noble, but… has she actively asked you to do this for her?
Maybe she doesn’t want to be rescued or watched by you. I have to believe she didn’t tell you about the last concert and taking for a reason. Third- she sucks too. She sounds like she’s acting like a child, so maybe that’s why you seem to be treating her like one?” fibchopkin
12. AITJ For Keeping A Secret From My Sister?
“Okay, so I (27f) have 4 sisters (I am the middle child). We grew up in a very toxic environment, so our relationships with each other are very back and forth between good and bad, and now as adults, we have moved pretty much all over the country, and don’t get to spend much time with each other apart from holidays.
Still, I view this as a good thing because I feel like for the first time in my life I have a good bond with all of my sisters and things are very drama free right now because we have space from each other.
An issue arose when my youngest sister, ‘Ana’ (20) posted a picture of her and her new partner on social media. I immediately felt sick to my stomach because I recognized the guy to be someone I had a little fling with in the past (if you could even call it a fling).
I met this guy, ‘Cal’ (30) about 7 years ago. He was a friend of a friend and was really interested in me at the time. We got frisky one time and we hooked up. For weeks after that, he tried to pursue a real relationship until I finally told him that if we start seeing each other it would be a really toxic relationship and I wanted something different in my life (I was really wild and self-destructive back then) and he left me alone after that but I have heard from mutual friends that he used to bad mouth me every chance he got.
And now he’s apparently seeing my youngest sister.
I felt like it would be bad taste to bring up the past immediately to my sister so when I talked to Ana after seeing the Instagram post, I tried to just tell her that I thought their age difference was a little inappropriate but she just brushed me off and told me not to worry about her.
I tried talking about the relationship with my oldest sister and she said that she doesn’t like the idea of Ana seeing a 30-year-old but she kind of expected it after what Ana’s ex did to her. Her ex-partner posted revenge photos of her when they broke up and it resulted in Ana losing her job and most of her friends.
It honestly traumatized her and is a major reason why I don’t want to say anything about Cal. I told my older sister that I knew Cal in the past and that I’m not too sure about him as a person and she told me to mind my business and stop trying to cause drama, which is obviously not my intention but I’m scared that no one will see it that way.
So, basically, the way I am looking at things now is just that I don’t not like this guy and I obviously do not want him to see my sister but if I say anything they won’t believe me and my relationship with my sisters will fall apart again and she will stay with Cal either way.
So considering everything that could happen I feel like there is no point in telling Ana but I still feel like a jerk.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – If she finds out from somebody other than you she won’t trust you anymore.
If you lied about the fling how will she be able to believe you if you say that it didn’t mean anything?
Plus, I don’t know this Cal guy, could he have found out she was your sister and tried to get revenge through her?
(Now I don’t want to point fingers, just maybe look into it for your sister’s safety and well-being?)
And finally telling her just gives her all the information to make the best decision. If she showed pictures of you to Cal and he didn’t say anything it could be a red flag for her.
If you have old conversations with mutual friends about Cal badmouthing you it could back you up.” -Alula
Another User Comments:
“No one’s a jerk — I think your concerns are very valid. The first and foremost is the age difference, which frankly will be a challenge if this relationship evolves.
A 20yo and a 30yo are in two very different places in life with respect to mental maturity, financial stability, personal and professional development, and even pastimes. All of those things compounded will eventually be an issue. Not to say it’s kind of gross and a bit inappropriate as you pointed out.
Second, you probably can’t care less about Cal and most likely he doesn’t give a about you either, but for the sake of honesty with your sister, it may be a good idea to tell her and be abundantly clear that this guy was not relevant in your life but that you do not want her to find out from someone else.” Looking-for-advice30
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ if you don’t say anything. I would 100% want to know if I was hooking up with one of my siblings flings and she’s going to find out. Unfortunately, you’ve already kind of backed yourself into a corner in terms of commenting on the relationship so I would keep it unemotional and just the basic facts without delving into your relationship with him.
Just say I’m sorry for commenting on the age thing, I actually just felt really awkward because we had a fling in the past and I didn’t know how to tell you but it was years ago and I’m happy for you both.
You can bring up the issues you had later or she can ask him or you about it if she cares to.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“YTJ if you don’t tell her.
You need to tell her in the most non-emotional way possible.
She needs to know what she’s getting into.
‘Ana, I know I mentioned the age difference, but that’s not the real reason that I have concerns. This is embarrassing for me, but Cal and I had a brief fling in the past. I wasn’t in a good place at the time.
I don’t know who he is as a person now, but he did bad mouth me a lot at the time. Whatever you choose to do is your business, and I’m glad our friendship has gotten to the point it has, but I want you to go in with all the information.
I love you and want what’s best for you.'” bmoreskyandsea
11. AITJ For Wearing Noise Cancelling Headphones?
“I’ll preface this by saying I (34f) have complex PTSD coupled with extreme hypervigilance and social anxiety, among other things. I wasn’t always like this, I actually used to be a social butterfly who loved going to new places.
But it’s so bad my hands have started shaking, I drop things making a mess in public… it’s embarrassing. I’ve gone out and sat parked in the parking lot for thirty minutes just telling myself to get out of the car and do what I need to.
But inevitably, I end up leaving or if I manage to get out of my car, I can make it (depending on the crowd levels) 20 minutes max before I start panicking.
But I’ve figured out over the last ten years that this has been going on that there is one thing that helps me stop focusing on everyone and everything around me.
Music playing through noise-canceling earbuds. Instead of freaking out and watching everything and everyone around me instead I’m in my own little world and can do what I need to do. When I go out by myself in public, I wear them everywhere.
It’s improved my life in some ways.
However, I’ve always had people kind of making comments about how I’m rude or disrespectful for wearing them. This morning I went to the grocery store and had them as per usual so I could make it through the shopping trip without having a mini panic attack.
The line was rather long so I tried to just focus on the cashiers so I wouldn’t hold up the line. You know watching for hand motioning signals that kind of thing.
Because I had my earbuds in, I didn’t hear this woman in her forties step into the line behind me until she tapped my shoulder hard and I spun around grabbing my cart.
I mean she scared the crap out of me and I had to clench my fist to avoid any physical reaction on my part. She started talking and of course, I couldn’t hear her so I held my hand up and said hold on a minute ma’am as I took my earbuds out.
I noticed she’s only holding like two items while I’ve got a cart full. And she starts berating me saying how rude I was (I look way younger than I am) for wearing headphones out in public. That I was a jerk for not showing common courtesy and decency to engage with others in public.
I got really angry (I have complex PTSD…this may make me the jerk) I told her to back off I wasn’t hurting anyone. If I don’t want to talk to anyone I don’t have to. So either get in front of me and go or screw off, either way, I don’t care.
She, of course, went in front of me but kept making her comments about how rude I was and how dare I speak to anyone like that. I got home and told my partner. He says I wasn’t a jerk in any way, shape or form, but my aunt who’s a nurse that I talked to said I was for letting her get the best of me.
And I do feel bad for losing my cool and maybe I am in the wrong here.
Edit: Because it’s already come up, yes I see someone and have for years. I take medications that are prescribed however I’ve stopped taking the prescribed antianxiety meds because I have a horrible reaction to them where either I’m a zombie who stares at the walls all day or I start crying for no reason, and can even become irrationally angry for no reason whatsoever.
So yeah.
Edit 2: Let’s clarify a few things: I only wear them inside stores or vastly populated areas like malls, or the few occasions I have to take public transportation. I don’t wear them while driving if I’m out in an open area like crossing the streets I turn down the music if not completely off and turn off the noise-canceling function.
My problem is I am overly vigilant and reactive to other people. I’m too situationally aware. This turns it down from like a level 10 vigilance on the flight or fight scale to a level 5. Also, turn them off when I get to the clerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Screw that, you don’t have to listen to everything and everyone. You shouldn’t be in constant discomfort just so that when some entitled woman decides to tap on your shoulder, she immediately gets your full attention.
I have CPTSD as well. It’s mostly under control, with the exception of hypervigilance. I cannot turn it off, and the only thing that helps is, exactly, noise-cancelling headphones with music playing. I do get into the odd uncomfortable situation because of it, but gosh darn it, at least I can do my shopping without feeling like I might have an anxiety attack.
This is hard, and in my case, this could be as good as it gets. I will wear headphones till my dying day if that’s what I need to to get through the day.
Your first responsibility is to yourself.
Take care of yourself, do what you need to. There will always be entitled jerks who want unreasonable things. Doesn’t mean you owe it to them.” Morigyn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Having my headphones in at the grocery makes me have a lot less anxiety, too.
For a long time, I really wanted to wear them in there but was worried someone would think I was rude (not because I wasn’t engaged, but because maybe I was in the way or something and couldn’t hear someone, etc).
But then I realized it was dumb to worry about this imagined anger and now I wear them. Sometimes, when I’m feeling more anxious, I wear sunglasses, too. Maybe I look dumb or disconnected, but it calms me down in a bright, loud, busy place.
I don’t blare music or anything, so I’m not oblivious to, say, a row of carts rolling right for me, but I wear and enjoy them.” nojugglingever
Another User Comments:
“ESH. I understand your dilemma, but you need to maintain a slight awareness of those around you.
Being completely oblivious is not a good situation to be in. Maybe not use noise-canceling headphones so that a little of the outside world seeps in and you are aware when someone wants your attention. Realizing you have a problem that most people don’t understand or realize you have, you might want to temper your responses with information rather than obscenities.
The woman in the line was wrong. Very wrong. But, she’s the kind of idiot you need to become accustomed to being around in order to function in the world.” dmcdd
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m a cashier a lot of the time at work, and so long as peeps with headphones make a reasonable effort to help me help them through their purchase, I don’t really give a crap whether they’re wearing headphones, or are talking on their phone, etc. Have you got your loyalty card?
Your ID if you’re buying beer? Awesome. It’s fewer words I have to say for a minute. It’s downright exhausting being expected to make small talk with everyone, and having the occasional person who temporarily relieves me of that duty is totally refreshing for me.” Jupichan
10. AITJ For Getting The Babysitter Fired?
“FF is Family Friends, CB is Careless Babysitter.
So, We’re staying at FFs house because their wedding is tomorrow, and we’ve been here for about 5 days. FFs have 3 kids, who are extremely misbehaved and they’re a lot to handle. I’m also sick, so that adds even more difficulty to the situation.
For the majority of the time I’ve been here, I’ve been babysitting the three kids and my siblings by myself while FFs and my parents prepare for the wedding. The kids as I said are very misbehaved, and they prompt the other two to act up as well.
They scream, argue, cry, and generally don’t listen to me when I tell them to do anything. FFs have a gym set that they’re not allowed to climb on, and because they don’t listen when I tell them to get off, I have to run back and forth to actually pick them up off the equipment.
They get my brother, who has ADHD riled up as well, and then my brother encourages my sister to join in, so I end up having to control five misbehaving children who don’t listen to me whatsoever.
When FFs came home, I explained the situation to them and they said that they would get another babysitter to help me out with the kids when they go out for dinner.
I was incredibly thankful. They went out for dinner and CB showed up. The first thing she did was drop her bag in the middle of the living room and sit down on her phone. The kids were going wild as always but this time it was literally happening all around her and she was doing nothing to stop it.
This carried on the entire night, and not once did she step in to help. She actually found out that I was sick around halfway through the night because she came upstairs to use the bathroom while I was up there vomiting.
I kinda hoped she would start helping me after seeing that I was unwell, but she continued to ignore the chaos going on around her and ultimately left me to do all the work.
Nearing the end of the night, I asked CB to help me get the oldest child to go to sleep.
He wouldn’t listen to me at all. He just screamed at the top of his lungs and threw a tantrum on his bed. She told me she’d be up in a minute and that she was just face-timing her friend real quick.
I was angered and I knew she wasn’t gonna do anything, so I managed to get him to bed myself.
FFs come home, and talk to CB. They then pay CB $100 for “babysitting” their kids, and I got nothing. So before she left, I told them I had actually done everything, and added that she knew I wasn’t feeling well but still left all the work up to me.
She called me a jerk and told me that I only ratted her out because I was “entitled” and “wanted her money.” It has some truth to it I guess because I didn’t think it’d be fair if I was the one working my tail off but yet got nothing while the one who sat on her butt got paid.
They ended up asking the kids the next morning if CB paid attention to them, all of which said no. They apologized to me and called CB’s parents to tell them that she was fired. Now I feel at fault.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH – you suck for essentially tattling – and the parents didn’t obviously think it was a huge deal when you told them as she was being paid – because I can guarantee you that if they heard “she did nothing all night” – and thought it was an actual big deal they would have taken back the money.
I get the impression that they don’t trust your judgment if they waited until asking the children as well before making the call. I also don’t think they trust your judgment or trust you -because they didn’t pay you. No decent person (but I’ll get to them in a second) pays one babysitter and not the second – especially in front of the second babysitter.
That speaks volumes to me. You also suck because you didn’t call them and tell them their children were putting themselves in danger. THAT is an emergency. You also suck a third time because if you were so sick that you were upstairs, vomiting, unable to supervise and leave them with a competent person (your words – you reckon she was doing nothing at all!) then you should have called them and said you were too sick to continue your job safely.
You put the children in harm by not supervising and THAT is an emergency.
The babysitter sucks for the reasons you mentioned – assuming that all that is actually correct. I have my judgment reserved on her because again – the parents paid her still, they didn’t take you at face value AND they didn’t pay you anything… I’m a bit iffy on her.
The parents… Their parents and yours suck for raising children that have no respect for authority. Even if you’re a babysitter, most kids are still raised to know to listen to adults or accept the consequences when the parents return and listen to the babysitters report.
The parents (and yours) suck for leaving you with all those kids when you were sick. That was not good/fair at all. All the parents also suck for continuing to leave you with all the kids despite knowing you were not experienced/equipped/qualified/responsible enough to care for that amount of kids and behavior issues.” CopperTodd17
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is how unproductive but entitled people make it into the workplace. By people minding their own business and taking up the slack. Which then creates health issues for them by doing two jobs and the stress.
No. She needs to learn now that she gets paid to work. If they had cameras set up at their house, it would’ve been even better because they could’ve busted her in the act. If you weren’t there, those kids could’ve gotten seriously injured.
And on a side note, if one of my babysitting clients had contacted my mom, she would’ve made me give the money back. I know because it happened even though I knew the woman was lying. Claiming her house was a complete disaster.
That there were ants in the kids’ rooms. No lady, you just never clean.” Snowfizzle
Another User Comments:
“NTJ to you, but really, you’re the only one in this story that doesn’t suck aside from the kids (I blame their parents for them).
-
Your folks: If you are vomiting-level sick, your parents should have let you stay home and arranged for someone to check in on you, or else stayed home. Woulda sucked but that’s life. I’m guessing they didn’t so you could be free childcare for them.
-
FF: Your parents’ friends took full advantage of you. I don’t care if your parents said it was cool. I’ve had friends offer me their daughter’s sitting services free of charge and I always pay her. I don’t care how long I’ve known your mama, if you watch my kids, you get paid.
It’s extra crappy to me that after you told them you were struggling, they were willing to pay the other girl to help but not willing to pay you even minimum wage. Five unruly kids AND you’re sick?
You should have gotten hourly and hazard pay for that. Props cause I’m a 31-year-old woman with kids and even I would have noped out of that.
-
Lastly, the babysitter. But you already knew that. She got herself fired by not doing her job.
It will be full poetic justice if after this the babysitting pool dries up for a while and they actually have to handle their own kids.” murdocjones
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, why aren’t you getting paid? The jerks here are the kid’s parents for allowing the kids to act like that and not stepping up as a parent and parenting.
You should absolutely call that “babysitter” out. She sucked and didn’t do her job. But you absolutely should be getting paid.” CrystalMaee
9. AITJ For Getting Annoyed At My Partner Waking Up Before Me?
“My partner and I work at the same place and usually carpool/come home at the same time.
He wasn’t working today but I was.
He got excited about waking up and seeing me/maybe having a little nookie this morning so when my quiet watch alarm went off, he shook my shoulder hard and poked me for a minute and tried to wake me.
It startled me and I wanted to nap some more so I ignored him and hit the snooze for five minutes.
When my second alarm went off, I rolled over and asked him why he’d been inconsiderate. He took great exception with that and explained that he hadn’t been inconsiderate he’d just been so excited to wake me up and spend time with me that he shook me to get the morning started. He said words to the effect of ‘love and excitement to be with someone and to hold someone means that you can’t hold yourself back, it’s just how love is expressed and my huge love for you made me want to spend time with you before work.’
I listened to his explanation and told him that I understood but added that excitement is not necessarily an excuse because we all should be able to control our actions even if our feelings are strong, depending on the situation and whether our actions will cause a disturbance.
He says it shouldn’t cause me any distress and thought it would be fun. He then said he already knew what my getting ready plan was and how long it would take me to get ready and that he wanted some time with me.
He reiterated “fun time.”
He dismisses the idea that a different show of how much he loves me would be to put his needs second and allow me to get to work unflustered then we can have all sorts of exciting times after work.
He believes that my lack of words is the entire issue. I believe that there’s another issue as well: that he caused unintended distress – which I called inconsiderate – and he never apologized. He maintains that if he didn’t mean to cause any trouble, I should get over it as soon as I hear his reasonable explanation and not ever expect any sort of apology.
This is a recurring theme and I’m not sure if I’m wrong to expect any sort of consolation when he unintentionally upsets me. He could have used his knowledge of my quick morning routine to make a judgement call about whether this morning was the right time for fun.
He dismissed me and shut down the conversation because even though I agreed with him that using my words would have been a good solution, he sees it as a slap in the face that I had any other input after acknowledging his point of view.
Any suggestion of modification of his behavior is met with scoffs and comments that I ‘don’t understand.’
I recognize his excitement and I would welcome it on a day when work isn’t imminent, but today I wasn’t feeling it.
Sometimes we do wake up unexpectedly early and have a great cuddle but this is a new situation. Our mornings are usually pretty tight and my alarm was set to give me the right amount of time to get out of the house.”
Another User Comments:
“No one’s a jerk.
‘Maybe have a little nookie this morning.’
So basically he was feeling some type of way, woke up before you, wanted to hook up before the day started so he tried to get you up with enough time to do it before getting ready for work and you weren’t feeling it?
It’s fascinating how you wrote this; it looks like it was written by an English major who planned on turning this in as an essay.
No one is a jerk, this happens all the time between me and my partner.
I always get up first, I nudge her to see if she’s willing to wake up and get busy, sometimes she is, sometimes she isn’t. No need for a class-action lawsuit over this one.
I can’t believe you spent the time writing an A+ essay on this.
Sorry if I sound harsh.” shaftdinner
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I cannot be shaken awake, or whoever does it going to catch a fist to the jaw or end up with me screaming in their face (not anger, I wake up panicked when I’m woken up suddenly and violently.
I just start screaming for a minute). Heck, when I was a teenager I threw a knife at my dad (it was in my headboard cubby at the time) when he stood across the room and yelled my name. I felt really bad about that.
My wife knows this and knows that no matter how much she wants to spend time with me before one or both of us have to head off to work, it’s best to either wait for my alarm or wake me up in some other, gentler fashion.
He needs to take your wants and needs into account, not focus solely on his own.” GrailJester
Another User Comments:
“When a person bumps into another person accidentally the correct thing to do is say “I’m sorry.” Just because an act was not intentional does not mean no apology should be offered.
NTJ.
The waking you up bit sounds annoying as heck. The refusal to ever apologize because he has an explanation is, well for me, a line in the sand. If he never apologizes for bothersome behaviors and actions simply because he feels he has a good excuse, that to me is break-up territory.
It doesn’t have to be malicious on his end to warrant an apology, it just needs to have been annoying/hurtful/etc on the recipient’s end.” throwaway1975764
Another User Comments:
“Yeah, I think more info is needed here. It does sound like he is trying to apologize, but you aren’t having it.
Also, the alarm thing contradicts itself. First, your alarm went off, then you decided to sleep more. Then at the end of the post, you say your alarm is set at a minimum for you to be able to get to work.
Based on these things, one of you is the but I can’t tell who at this point. I understand wanting to sleep more before work, but I also understand wanting to spend time with your SO for a bit. It doesn’t really sound like he was trying to wake you, more of a since-you-are-awake type of thing.
But on the other hand, as a person who can’t fall asleep at night, then have to set about 6 alarms for myself in the morning, I understand not wanting to be disturbed like that right away. Maybe it’s just an issue of communication, or maybe it’s one or both of you not truly understanding the other person’s side.
Whatever it is, it needs to be worked out between the two of you in order for the relationship to work.” zombieslayer9389
8. AITJ For Not Telling A Friend What Another Friend Says About Them?
“I currently work at a law firm where I met two women, Lena and Ashe. Lena and Ashe have been friends for 15 years and when Ashe started working at the firm, it was Ashe that got Lena her job. I was already working at the firm before both of them (in the same department that Lena was hired to work) but something happened with my position that forced me to work in Ashe’s department.
I am naturally a pretty friendly guy (I go out of my way to buy breakfast for my friends in the office or keep a candy jar stocked) and became friends with both Lena and Ashe. I ended up being one of Lena’s best friends (because we talked a lot and I made her lunch a few times).
Lena ended up leaving the firm due to family issues (she’s married and has two kids) so I don’t really see her. We do message pretty much every day and talk about our days. Meanwhile, I see Ashe pretty much every day and we talk as much as any two people who work in the same department do.
Ashe has 3 kids and is engaged to her fiance, and they plan on getting married winter of this year.
Yesterday, Lena asked me if I was invited to Ashe’s wedding. I confirmed I was. Lena was upset that she did not receive a wedding invitation.
I bought up that they haven’t talked in a while (since the beginning of the year) and on top of that, Ashe and Lena’s husbands don’t really get along. Lena stated that Ashe has changed since they first met and does certain things that really gets under Lena’s skin.
Since both Ashe and Lena talk to me there are times that they say things about one another. I NEVER disclose what is said to the other person, but the way I understood the situation it felt like both parties were waiting for the other to step up and say something.
I ended up saying to Lena that she should contact Ashe and air everything she feels out. That she should decide if they’re going to be friends or not. Lena then asks me what Ashe said about her. I said I couldn’t tell her and pressed that they should talk.
The next day at work Lena reaches out to Ashe and Ashe asks me what I’ve said. I tell Ashe the same thing, that if there is an issue, you two need to sit down and hash it out. Tell each other everything.
I won’t say what she’s told me because me saying it might not have the right context and come out wrong. Ashe accepted it and is okay with my decision.
I get an angry text from Lena a few hours later saying that I’m not a good friend if I don’t disclose what Ashe has said to me about her, that I hurt her by doing this, and that’s not the type of friend that she needs.
I disagree. I believe that when you tell someone something you say it to them in confidence that they won’t tell that other person. After she said that, I responded and ended up unfriending her/cutting off communication. I’ve done a lot for her and it hurt she said that.
But I know I’m right.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There’s nothing good that can come from this situation and removing yourself from the one so insistent to know is probably best. I’ve always gone with the “it’s not my business what others think about me” and think it applies here.” newmrsky
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but may be a good future lesson to tell them to work out their problems before these conversations, not after.” Reddit user
7. AITJ For Filing Taxes Without My Mom?
“Early 20s, I go to college, I still live with my parents.
Now for the story: Over the past few months, I’ve been planning a trip.
It’s tax season. I still have a few things I need to pay for, for the trip that totals to about ~$1400. My W-2s came in the mail, I was ready to file when I opened the envelope but my mom insisted to wait.
My mom waits until the last minute for everything. I told her after she told me to wait, “I’m not waiting until April (she waits until late March-early April to file). When are you going?” She replied, “soon.” I’m like okay cool, this was back in mid-January.
End of January rolls around, I tell her I won’t wait too much longer. I have summer classes I’ll have to pay for, I have an amount that I absolutely can not spend. I want to dip into my savings to cover the rest of what I need, to put it back when I get refunded.
My partner and I traveled for V-Day, before I left I said something along the lines of, “Can you please file this weekend, I’ll leave my stuff, file for me, if you don’t file while I’m gone, I’ll file myself when I get back.” No response.
Before I left, all the typical mom stuff. I assumed she was going to take care of it while I was gone. She didn’t. Got back, nothing. Had President‘s Day off work, nothing. Didn’t go to work Tuesday, she went shopping and to the mall, nothing.
So I get home from a chill night out and start to file online, she walks behind me and asks what I’m doing, I said filing. She’s calling me selfish, among other things and said, “this is why you need to find someplace else to stay.”
I’m like why, that’s a bit harsh. But I stopped filing. I was going to get her to file on the weekend. Our tax broker had some legal issues and is out of commission, but I thought his office may still be open.
I call, the line is disconnected. This was the Wednesday afternoon I called. Fast forward to Thursday afternoon, I texted her to tell her I filed (I didn’t, I was at work and didn’t get around to it) and I filed as dependent to maximize her refund.
Like I said, I’m not in need, however, my filing as a dependent takes about $150 out of my pocket. I asked to just be reimbursed for it. No response. I get home last night we’re having normal conversation.
So I submitted before bed.
Fast forward to about an hour ago, she asks if I filed and I say yeah, I did them last night. All of a sudden, I’m the worst person ever, I’m selfish, I’m only thinking about me and my trip, everything negative.
But I’m saying, I’ve been talking to you this for a month and you’ve told me nothing. She’s also tacked on the, “since I’m the parent, if I tell you to wait, you still wait.”
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I am absolutely perplexed.
Sounds like you’re from the US. How on earth does her return depend on you filing or not filing before her?
Has she been secretly claiming you as a dependent to benefit from an additional personal exemption?
She may be surprised to learn that went away in 2017. But, there may be credits or else she’s counting on.
I suspect something shady is going on, and would ask for clarity as to why she insists she files first.” 1567Tor
Another User Comments:
“What the heck? Is this American tax? File as soon as you can so you get your return sooner and avoid late fees. Your tax shouldn’t affect her, but I don’t know about American tax. Here in New Zealand we use a Pay As You Earn system and end of year tax is all done automatically, you get an email telling you when your tax has been calculated and when you can apply for a refund, you apply, you get the refund, takes 20 minutes if you have to reset your password because you can’t remember it
NTJ.” Andrea_frm_DubT
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I don’t understand why you filing your taxes as a dependent has any effect on the timing of her taxes. I can understand the issue if you filed independently, but that is not the case.
Also, any tax expert will tell you to file for your refund as soon as possible for 2 reasons. 1. You are giving the government an interest-free loan – get your money back as soon as possible to stop the loan. 2. To reduce the likelihood of someone fraudulently filing for your refund before you.
Even if your taxes do affect hers you gave her ample notice.” SC_Hokie_Girl
6. AITJ For Getting Angry At My Dad?
“Today, I was in therapy and talking about my complicated relationship with my dad. I mentioned his father and my therapist got a bit confused because I told her the story of how I found out through other people, who had no idea we were family, talking about the news.
So she asked “the one (my dad’s name) that got shot?” And I was confused out of my mind. Long story short we didn’t figure it out.
Afterward, I called my mom and asked her some things about him. She kept on defending him and playing up this narrative of “he got sick and died.” I knew was a horrible man so I didn’t feel bad talking about him – if I didn’t respect him while he was alive, why respect him while he is dead?
I gave my parents the biggest benefit of the doubt when I assumed they wouldn’t hide that from me.
We got into an argument. She told me that I don’t need to know stuff about the past and I argued that I did and it was my history as much as theirs.
I started talking about the impact of childhood and I mentioned how if the parents are booze addicts the child also may become one later on. She asked, “then why am I not a booze addict?!” Which led me to figuring out another truth – my other grandad is an addict.
I don’t know my family well. We all hate each other, and I wish that wasn’t the truth. I’ve tried to fix it many times but I just end up being the one who is hurt. Every project about the family I would refuse to do because I had no idea and info about that stuff and because it broke my heart.
So when I got home, I searched my dad’s name and immediately broke down. The first things written about him are articles about his death. He was killed in front of his little child. I’m his grandchild. Because of this my principal apparently thinks that’s where my trauma started from and that she could help me.
She knew. I didn’t. When I told my friend, she was confused and asked “you didn’t know?” And I couldn’t breathe. She knew. I didn’t.
The whole country knows but I didn’t – and I’m supposed to be his family.
I can’t sleep and I’m barely forcing myself not to look at those articles. My friend said I should argue with my father and demand an explanation but I told her that it won’t change anything and it was better to stay quiet.
I’m mad. Livid. Fuming. Whatever you prefer. I don’t trust my family, this makes me trust them even less. I plan on making a deal out of it tomorrow. I don’t care about my granddad. He was a horrible man and I don’t support his actions.
I’m hurt that I wasn’t told. When reading through the articles I could picture the furniture, when seeing the street I immediately recognized it. I didn’t go there often and I didn’t care for him because I knew the stuff he had done but it hurt so bad.
AITJ for wanting to yell at my dad?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I understand being angry and hurt, everyone else knew but you, you ask about information only to get lied to, I’m sure some of it was to protect you because, who wants to tell a child that their relative was murdered especially if you were quite young when it happened. I would be upset if I was lied to as well but maybe also try to think about why.
That doesn’t fix anything or change it but maybe it’ll give you perspective and make it hurt less. Them getting defensive when you ask most likely does not help, so maybe you all just need to learn how to communicate with each other better.” BrooklynKidK
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But more than that, this sounds like it’s had a huge impact on you. Can you get in soon for an extra session with your therapist? Now that you have some information, and it’s affecting you so strongly (for which I don’t blame you one bit!), she may be able to help you get through the initial processing.
Maybe you could talk to her first and then decide how to handle other people?
Try to think in terms of taking care of yourself right now.” LunchtimeDana
Another User Comments:
“I’ll say NTJ. And while it’s a tough pill to swallow, I will say that it does seem that your parents may have done this to “protect” you.
Maybe they thought it would be better than you know the truth. I’m not defending them by any means. I would/will never lie to my sons. I would rather them know the truth about the real world so they can be prepared for it when they are ready to move out and face it.
All I’m saying is that whether or not it was a good decision, I do feel like it was done with good intentions. Maybe just keep that in mind before you have an epic breakdown. I think it was the wrong choice, but done with only your well-being in mind.” sparky1984X
5. WIBTJ For Asking My Partner To Fix His Snoring Issue?
“Long story: my partner (33M, let’s call him L) moved in with me (31F) about 6 months ago. He has a terrible snoring problem, but it was less noticeable because we didn’t spend every night together.
After around 6 months of seeing each other we decided that as L is spending so much time here, he might as well move in (he was here all the time and actively avoided his share house, so I figured it would be good for him contribute to the expenses).
For context, my apartment is nicer than his place, it’s closer to the city where we both work, and had recently been refurnished by me (new bed-frame & mattress, 55” TV, washing machine, fridge, etc).
L’s snoring has started to affect me.
I only sleep a couple of hours a night, and I’m permanently exhausted. Initially, I would try to get him to move or nudge him when I found the snoring intolerable, but then I just started sleeping on the couch.
The apartment is tiny and L snores like a jet, so he would still disturb me & I would have to get up and go wake him up, which would cause me to wake up fully and it would then take an hour or 2 before I’d fall asleep again.
We’ve been seeing a couples’ therapist occasionally & she’s suggested that L sleep on the couch and I take the bed (which I sort of feel I deserve as it’s my brand-new bed & I bought it specifically for extra back support).
L doesn’t complain & is fine on the couch (it’s a sleeper couch & pretty comfortable).
The snoring is still so loud (I get up & wake him at least 5 times a night) & I feel like I might have a breakdown.
I work in a very demanding corporate & get to work between 7-8am and leave 6-7pm (some good days where I get out earlier; L only needs to get to work at 9:30 & often finishes at 5). I’ve tried prescription sleeping pills, but they ensure that I’m not disturbed at night – I wake up feeling just as groggy & exhausted, often more so.
L has had a take-home sleep study to test for apnea, gone for another study (waiting on results like months later?), got special pillows, spoken to specialists, anything you can think of but nothing works.
To add to my annoyance, L has recently become obsessed with a book called Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker.
The book has told him that the apartment needs to be at a cool temperature to facilitate good sleep. The temperature that L has landed on is freezing & uncomfortable for me & I sleep in a hoodie and track pants.
Obviously, this further decreases the amount of restful sleep I get. And it drives me insane that he’s so invested in ensuring he gets even better sleep while I get by on four or five hours at most.
He’s gone to pick up something from his dentist that is supposed to help with the snoring, but I’m very much unconvinced. WIBTJ if I put my foot down & say that if there’s not a significant improvement in 6 weeks he has to find another place to stay?
I sort of feel like this might cause the breakdown of our relationship because I’m permanently tired and stressed and resentful.
Edit: I wear earplugs, have tried sleep headphones, and still wake up. I have discussed this seriously with couple’s therapist. L has been tested for apnea and has a negative result.
Waiting for the second study to confirm.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because I have been there and it’s hard! Dated a lovely guy for years, but sleeping with him was a disaster. I have severe hearing loss, dependent on hearing aids, and I needed earplugs and sleeping pills to get through the night.
I couldn’t imagine living with him, without seriously investigating his snoring. I suspect in my circumstances that consumption was a huge contributor, as that was what ultimately led to our breakup.
I don’t have any easy answers for you, but you definitely have my sympathy.
Good luck finding a solution, I hope it works out for you.” kindagrumpy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Everyone needs sleep. Did he ever try the breathing strips? Those actually minimize my husband’s snoring. If you don’t necessarily want to live together, you could keep maintaining separate places so you can sleep.
If you really love each other and are determined to live together, you could consider finding a two-bedroom apartment so you can comfortably sleep separately. Maybe you can have separate temperature control in each bedroom that way too. But he should be flexible on that one since he is causing the problem.
Ear plugs are another good suggestion and/or running white noise machines or fans in the separate sleeping areas to mask the noise.” Ckc1972
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The long-term damage caused by snoring and sleep apnea are significant. Also, it may be a struggle to get used to the CPAP but it’s worth it in the long term.
I did not have “classic” apnea symptoms, was not in the typical risk group, and functioned in what I thought was a “normal” manner. It took 6 months of arguing with my Dr to get him to even consider getting me a sleep study.
When it was all said and done, my sleep apnea was diagnosed as severe, with an average AHI (apnea/hypopnea index)of 12. That means on average, I was having recordable events approx 12 times per HOUR. I never ever went into REM sleep.
You are considered “unaffected” or under control with an AHI under 5.
I am not usually a fan of ultimatums, but this would be a deal breaker for me. Get a sleep study, or get gone. Your sleep matters too.” AnonTxHeathen
Another User Comments:
“ESH, your for not doing really doing anything about his snoring and changing the thermostat so drastically without checking in with you and you for not being really clear that this is an issue (with a capital I) you need to work on together fixing (and not just sleeping on the couch).
It sounds like you’re not really telling him how severely his sleep habits and snoring is impacting you, so TELL HIM. And then help him find a doctor to go to because jet engine snoring is alarming on a lot of levels.” design_dork
4. WIBTJ If I Stepped Down From My Friend's Bridal Party?
“The gist: Two of my good friends Adam and Mary have been seeing each other for about 10 years, and I was friends with Mary when she met Adam. They got engaged recently and I am incredibly happy for them.
They asked me to be a bridesmaid and I accepted. I am now having second thoughts due to mounting expenses and some other behaviours that have made me uncomfortable.
Background: I am recently divorced. Both Adam and Mary know this and have been supportive, and also took it into consideration when they asked me to be part of their wedding party in case I wouldn’t be comfortable.
I don’t think this is weighing on my decision but it’s probably relevant information. Mary and Adam are planning a medium-sized wedding for fall next year and are doing their best to minimize costs (weddings are expensive!). So far they have planned their wedding for a Sunday, held a wedding raffle instead of a stag&doe, etc. My problem starts with Mary wanting to do a whole weekend away in a nearby city for her bachelorette (this was the budget option… the first round of brainstorming started with a trip to Vegas, a week-long cruise, or a week at an all-inclusive resort in the Caribbean).
Unfortunately, out of the group of bridesmaids I was the only one to express concerns about my budget for the bachelorette (my personal cap is $500, thus eliminating any of the other options). We as bridesmaids are responsible for paying for: our dress ($350 plus alterations), our shoes (around $50), our hair and make-up (around $150?
I don’t wear makeup so just hair), bachelorette related expenses. This is already well over $1000. I will also need to take days off work for wedding-related things (at least 2 for the bachelorette, 1 for the rehearsal on the Thurs before, 1 for Mon after the wedding since it’s in a different city).
The straw that broke the camel’s back came yesterday when I found out she plans on us all doing a bridal party dance to start the dance floor. I do not feel comfortable with this idea. For additional context, I had been part of one for my best friend Julia when she got married almost 4 years ago and I am still scarred from that experience… to this day I switch the radio station when the song comes on and the thought of doing another performance like this is frankly panic-inducing.
I mentioned to Mary that I didn’t feel comfortable doing the dance, and while she said I could sit out, this is what happened at Julia’s wedding as well (I sat out for half the dance) and I still felt like I was “on the spot” and everyone was judging me for not participating.
I for sure won’t be participating in the dance, but I can’t help but feeling that she will have an easier time having the wedding that she wants if I just attend as a guest.
So, WIBTJ if I drop out of the bridal party?”
Another User Comments:
“At this stage, NTJ. I’ve been a bridesmaid twice (once for a longtime friend and once for my brother) and budgets are real. It’s not cheap to be in someone’s wedding. The long-time friend I stood for was actually angry when I finally looked at her the day of dress shopping for us bridesmaids (a whole crap show regardless) and said I’m sorry, but 400 dollars before alterations for a dress I’ll wear once is out of my price range.
She eventually found a dress we could all wear, but if standing for this friend is causing you that much stress, and since the wedding isn’t next month or something, just politely tell her your situation has become such that you don’t feel you’ll be able to support her as she deserves on her day and you’d be far more comfortable attending as a regular guest. True friends may be disappointed but will understand.
Also, who has a week-long bachelorette? I’ve been to a few, and the LONGEST was an overnight trip to a bigger city an hour away to get manicures/pedicures, a fancy dinner and then bar hopping. There’s no way I’d fork out for a whole weekend.” LabRat08
Another User Comments:
“No one’s a jerk – weddings are expensive and whilst I don’t agree with the mounting costs placed on bridesmaids for extravagant bachelorettes etc. it has become the norm so the bride isn’t TJ for wanting you to take part.
The budget alone is enough for you to gracefully bow out. Having to perform a dance sounds like to me so totally understand you not wanting to take part!
Mary has been nice offering to let you sit it out though, and might also be fine with you dropping out of the bridal party altogether if you frame it as you have above – that you don’t want to be the one stopping her having the bridal party/wedding experiences she wants or imposing on her plans due to your budget, discomfort with the dance etc.” Pookie103
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Just tell her ASAP. Her expectations are outlandish. Why is the rehearsal on a Thursday if the wedding is on a Sunday? I’ve never heard of that. Just explain your position. If it means that much for her to have you in the wedding, she should offer to offset some of the financial burden by paying for the dress and shoes she insists you wear.
If she doesn’t, then at least hopefully she’ll be empathetic enough to understand and respect your position. If she does neither, may wanna rethink your friendship. And as for the dance, this seems so narcissistic to me. It’s one thing if the bridesmaids decided on their own to do a dance for her but she’s commanding you dress up and dance for her.
Sounds like you’re her court jester while she plays queen for the day. It’s all so silly.” Slyvenhuffindor
3. AITJ For Kicking A Friend To The Curb?
“Background. My wife (30F) and I (30F) have a mutual friend group going back to high school. We went to a school that’s big on keeping in touch, alumnae events, etc. so we’re all still very connected.
One of our old classmates, Dixie (28F), went through tough times after college and sank into addiction.
Whenever we caught up with her, we would try to help. A couple of years ago we even got her into a residential treatment program. She left after a month and we hadn’t seen or heard of her since until ~five weeks ago.
Another friend, Molly, reached out on group chat and told everyone Dixie was in dire straits again. She had gotten treatment and was sober, but was having a hard time getting back on her feet. One friend offered to let her crash with them when they get back from a business posting, but Dixie needed a place ASAP.
After discussing, my wife and I offered to let her stay with us. Molly put us in touch, and a few days later Dixie caught a Greyhound to our town.
At first, it was great. Dixie was sober, and we helped her find a therapist and AA meetings to aid her continuing recovery.
It was amazing to see her healthier and happier than either of us could remember her being since high school.
Then the crap hit the fan. I found an empty liquor bottle in the kitchen trash — neither my wife nor I drink.
There’s typically no liquor in the house. When Dixie got back from a therapist’s appointment that day, we asked her about it, and she broke down and admitted that she had fallen into drinking again. We reassured her, tried to be understanding, got her to call her AA sponsor, all that.
For a few days, things were okay, but then I got home two evenings ago find Dixie asleep. I thought she was asleep, at least, but really she was passed out. There was a whiskey bottle sticking out from under the sofa.
My wife got home, I explained the situation, and while my wife woke D to once again have her call her AA sponsor, I went upstairs because I needed to take my meds.
Guess whose meds were missing (after a fresh refill two days before)?
I keep a small emergency supply in the bedroom, but I called my wife upstairs and told her what was up. We confronted Dixie again, and she went crazy. Throwing stuff, screaming at us. She did admit she had sold my meds to a guy she met at AA in exchange for booze.
She was still wrecking our place and screaming. One of our neighbors called the cops. We reported the stolen meds on top of the property damage, and they took Dixie away. Then, with her phone call down at the jail, she called us to come get her!
Naturally, we refused.
We let our friends on the group chat know about the stuff Dixie had pulled. They went ballistic telling us we were wrong, that we should have been more understanding since we’ve all been friends for years.
Hey, we’ve done all we can for Dixie. We’ve tried help, but now all trust is broken. Still, I feel like a jerk for not keeping on trying to save her. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
She sounds like she’s in a very rough situation right now, but that is not your or your wife’s responsibility.
You were both kind enough to give her a helping hand but she blew it for herself. You both made a sensible decision in not allowing her back, she’s unpredictable and you would not only be putting you and your wife at risk but her as well.
She needs more help and it is not your responsibility to look after her.” hazard4567
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. Even being an addict, she has no excuse for what she did to you guys. You absolutely did the right thing.
If you would have bailed her out then there would have been no reason for you to have her arrested. Would have been enabling at its finest.” memapski
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can only help someone as far as they will let you, and your responsibility to be their support ends when they start taking you for granted or abusing your trust (or you).
My best friend is in recovery, I won’t say how long or from what because they’re not my facts to tell, and I act as a sounding board/reinforcement/venting outlet for him. Of course, I do, he’s my best friend and I’ve known him a long, long time.
But if he came into my home and took advantage of my trust, that’s where my support ends and it’s on him to earn back my trust and friendship. If you have any further contact with this woman, let her know in simple, sympathetic yet firm terms that you hope for the best for her and understand her plight, but it’s now on her to fix herself, and maybe, one day, your friendship.” GrailJester
2. AITJ For Not Apologizing To A Mother?
“This happened at a water park last Sunday. I wanted my daughter to ride a slide for the first time, so we checked with the lifeguard and got a go for her to ride the smallest slide. So we had my wife slide down first to position to receive my daughter at the bottom, and I slid down with my daughter side by side on the slide next to it.
As I was shaking my head to rid of water, a lady walked over on deck and shouted to me while looking very annoyed, and walked away immediately. I didn’t hear her at first, so I called and stopped her, and asked her to repeat.
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Lady: (Aggressively with pointing finger) “Your wife gotta watch where she goes better. She almost bumped into my child, and I got it on video.” (Turns around and leaves immediately again).
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Me: (Completely thrown off) “Okay. IF that was true, sorry about that.”
I apologized since I couldn’t verify her accusation at the moment. I was focused on holding my daughter, and I wasn’t looking at my wife as she slides down.
After the lady left, my wife assured me that the kid was far enough away from the bottom of the slide and wasn’t even on the direct line of travel from the slide.
I also remember seeing her waiting to slide down until the bottom of the slide clears. Plus, she’s a kind of a person not shy to admit fault and apologize, so I trusted her.
Also, I understand a mom can be upset IF a child was threatened. However, unless someone was intentionally threatening my kid, I wouldn’t go ahead and rudely bark at anyone who might be genuinely making a mistake without knowing.
And why was she kept emphasizing that she got the scene on video? Is she going to press charges on us for “almost” bumping into her child?
So I approached and told her again.
Me: “Hey, I talked to my wife, and we don’t believe it was her fault.
IF you don’t like what just happened, you need to teach your kid to pay better attention to the surrounding.”
Lady: “Are you serious? He’s four! Screw you!”
Me: (Finally got full-blown ticked off): “Well, screw you too!”
As far as I see, her kid being four doesn’t change the fact that any kid playing in a pool should be taught to pay attention to safety and surrounding.
And IF that can’t be done because the kid’s too young, the parents should accompany the child for both safeties of the kid and other kids. So… where were you, lady?
The two parts I regret at this point are that I didn’t ask to see the footage, and I swore in the children’s pool area.
Next time IF someone aggressively accuses my family or me claiming they filmed it, then my first response from now on will be, “Let’s see it.” Also, I wish I could apologize to all those parents and kids who heard me loudly saying “screw off” about three times that afternoon.
I lost my temper about 5 [sec], and there’s my lesson learned from this.
So… AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH, you weren’t really that bad to be honest but IMO you instigated further…
You were totally fine until you approached her for the second time.
Until that moment she was the jerk. In my opinion, you should have let her live her life. Who knows what her perspective was and revisiting the issue would have very likely irritated her.” Wars4w
1. AITJ For Telling My Partner To Stop Picking Up Earthworms?
“There’s literally no way of writing this without it sounding weird but there you go…
My partner (26F) and I (27M) have been together for 3 months. She’s super cool and it’s all going really well, so I thought it was time to introduce her to my friends from school back home.
Now, some things to note about my partner: she’s quite petite, probably about 5ft, and she dresses like – I quote – a ‘kids’ TV presenter.’ She also gets very excited about things very easily. This means that she often gets read as being a lot younger than she actually is, which can be annoying but is also hilarious as she’s probably the most intelligent person I’ve ever met.
It’s an odd contradiction but I think it’s really cute.
When we got to my hometown, we decided to meet my friends at a local park which has a lake and a set of gardens. It had been raining the day before and the ground was still pretty wet, but we planned on walking around the lake with my friends, because we all live life on the edge.
We got there and everyone seemed to like my partner and they all got on well.
It changed when she noticed that there were lots of earthworms that had got themselves stranded on the wet pavement. My partner is a complete softie when it comes to worms and snails and she always saves them whenever she sees them.
It’s a personality quirk. She has a folder of photos on her phone of all the worms and snail ‘friends’ she makes and she carries a bottle of hand sanitizer with her at all times, just in case.
So as soon as she realized that there were worms that needed saving, she got right to work, and just knelt down right there on the ground in front of my friends and started picking up the worms, literally talking to them and saying stuff like (I wish I were kidding) “let’s sort you out, you’ve got yourself into a real situation here.”
My friends all started laughing then, and I honestly couldn’t tell if they were laughing with or at her, so I said to her “hey, do you think you could give the worm stuff a rest?” and she said “just let me pick up a couple more,” to which I said “Let’s pay attention to my human friends, not your worm ones, like adults do,” and that made her stop.
She looked kind of embarrassed and I felt bad, and then all my friends told her that we could have a worm rescuing session if she wanted, but she seemed reluctant.
My friends all told me later that they really liked her, and they thought the worm thing was cute, but she’s stopped showing me photos of the little critters on her phone now and I’m worried I was a total jerk and need to apologize.
The reason I’m not sure if I’m the jerk is that I told her to stop because I was worried my friends were laughing at her, so I said it to protect her, not shame her. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If you were worried your friends were laughing at her, your reaction implied you were more on your friend’s side than hers. If a friend said something snarky, that would have been a clear opportunity to defend her. This seemed more ambiguous because it’s understandable (likely even to her) to think most people would find a situation like that a little funny.
If she wasn’t bothered by their laughing, then I doubt she took their laughter personally and probably didn’t feel self-conscious until you shamed her and applied she wasn’t being an adult. I think it sounds clear that you are somewhat embarrassed by her behavior, and maybe this was a bad time to reveal that.
If it helps to have a little perspective from someone with a similar quirk, I’m weird like this but with spiders (talking and all), and have annoyed my bf at times by being overly concerned with “rescuing” spiders found in grocery stores and other weird situations.
He razzes me sometimes and suggests I look crazy at times but never has cast a “serious” judgment like that. I am aware people might think it’s weird, and thankfully he’s comfortable enough in his own skin to not care about other people’s judgments either.
That being said, I do think both parties need to be considerate of one another. I try to keep conscious of time and sometimes it’s just a bad time to bother chasing spiders (ie: being in a hurry), and he has taken my weird obsession as an opportunity to learn a lot about spiders.
It doesn’t sound like her quirk is a deal breaker for you, just something that gets annoying. Try and find a silver lining instead of asking her to change. If there is ever a situation that was truly inconvenient, maybe bring up the issue of time constraints with her in private, but now is not the time for that.
I think the biggest problem here is that what you said cast a judgment on her as a whole by insinuating she wasn’t an adult, instead of poking fun of the hobby itself. And you did so in front of your friends.
However embarrassed you might have felt in the moment, you humiliated her in front of your friends. In reality, your friend’s opinions of her shouldn’t matter, particularly about some little quirk/hobby. Your actions probably made her feel the opposite, especially if you told her that you said what you did because you thought they were laughing at her.
I’d guess the average female would expect her to have her back if his friends were being disrespectful towards her. Sorry to say, and don’t take this wrong, but it comes off as kind of… spineless (not sure if best word?) to embarrass/judge her on behalf of how you assumed your friends were thinking.
I understand it is not what you intended to do, but some apologizing is definitely in order to repair the damage done. I’m not gonna add a judgment here because I don’t think it’s helpful, but I do think you might need to work on communication skills because unfortunately, your actions are sending different signals from what you express your intent to be.” EatLemonsEveryDay
Another User Comments:
“YTJ but I’m sure you’ve got that message by now.
I just want to say, in case you see this, don’t feel too bad about what you did. Social pressure is extremely strong and it’s not always obvious what the right thing to do is, and even then, it can be very difficult to not instinctively cave in to it.
Also, you owe her more than an apology. You really need to tell her that you’ve had a long think and completely re-evaluated things and realize how wrong you actually were. And that actually, the fact that she picks up worms is why you like her.
This whole thing is your deal; not hers.
It’s you who has the weird quirk (being overly self-conscious about totally normal, if somewhat eccentric things). Picking up worms like that really isn’t as strange as you thought it was. And it’s certainly nothing to embarrass someone about.
It’s the kind of thing that makes someone a lovely person, and even if other people think it’s weird, them anyway.
But don’t be too harsh on yourself. Some of these responses were pretty brutal. And I just want to say that what you did is a totally understandable mistake for someone in that position.
Just something to learn from, but don’t beat yourself up about it.
And, if (just in case) you do find those things that she does to be slightly embarrassing and you find yourself subtly belittling her for it, then you shouldn’t be with her.” jfartster
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – She is who she is. It really just sounds like she’s very compassionate.
I can very much relate to her because I’ve always been a little “odd” on the inside. I do things that are a little outside of the box.
My husband honestly is a saint because he has never once made fun of me for my eccentricities. On the outside, I look a certain way that seems to be appealing to a lot of people. So much so that a lot of people don’t see anything other than the outer ‘wrapping’ and that’s essentially what my entire existence has boiled down to for them.
My SO has always supported my ridiculous side. He doesn’t GET it, but he supports it. When I show off some of my quirky arts he doesn’t get embarrassed. I can talk to him about them, a bit, and he nods and smiles.
I laugh, MOST of all, at my own jokes. He doesn’t get my sense of humor at all, but he shakes his head and smiles or laughs at me laughing.
If I couldn’t share all the parts of me that are the MOST embarrassing then what’s even the point?
If I have to hide myself, potentially forever… because he’s embarrassed of me then it’s not going to be a very fulfilling life.
You can do better. She sounds amazing, and if you like her or love her.. be supportive.
She’s not being malicious or petty. Eventually you’ll come to see that no one else really matters, their opinions don’t matter.” shenaystays
Another User Comments:
“No one is a jerk.
Are you positive, and I don’t mean “are you reasonably confident,” I mean are you positive that your partner is neurotypical?
I’ve dated a girl like yours before. At first, you think she’s just got a quirky, manic-pixie thing going on. It’s adorable, it’s fun, it’s not hurting anyone, and you just don’t think too much of it. Then you start hanging out around other people and suddenly notice that her weirdness doesn’t come with an “off” switch around people she isn’t super comfortable around, and her acting so odd around people she just met starts sending up alarm bells.
Everyone acts weird around their partner. My partner and I are in the same room right now and she just told the dog to maul me and she’d help, but I pointed out that the coroner would definitely notice human bites alongside the canine ones.
But when we leave the house and hang out with other people we both pretend to be normal so we don’t embarrass ourselves or each other. The complete lack of that feeling of self-consciousness around other people isn’t quite a red flag, but I’d call it a yellowish orange one that early in the relationship.” Dan-D-Lyon
