People Want Us To Speak Our Minds About Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
19. WIBTJ If I Take My Daughter To Visit My Family?
“My wife Jenna (28F) and I (32M) had our daughter Averlea 6 months ago. We’ve been together for 10 years and married for 3.
We both live out of state from our families and neither of us has the best relationship with them, though Jenna’s family has made a lot of effort to come and visit, mend bridges, and interact with Averlea since she was born.
My family (mom 52F, stepdad 55M, 3 younger brothers 17-21M) live an extra few hours away and are yet to meet her. It’s important to note that my mom and Jenna do NOT get along. Mom has always had something to say about Jenna and the older Jenna’s gotten and the longer it’s gone on the less Jenna has been willing to let it go over her head.
This has resulted in us spending the last 10 years doing separate holiday visits.
My plan this year was to drop Jenna at her parents’ place safely after the flight and then carry on the extra 3-hour drive with Averlea to mine, and then pick her up on December 23rd so we could spend Christmas Day as a family.
Jenna’s response was simply ‘No.’
In our house, no is usually a complete sentence, but I asked her why and her response was ‘we talked about this when I was pregnant. You never had my back with your mom so I don’t trust you to advocate for Averlea, and since she’s made no effort to be around her, I’m not comfortable with letting you take our baby into that environment without me, and I am not going to go somewhere it’s evident I’m not wanted’.
I brought up the fact that I want my daughter to know my step/parents and her side of the family and that Jenna was stopping that from happening, and how unfair it was to my mom given that her parents have been here at least twice a month since she’s been born and has been able to have that bonding time.
I told her I would drop her off and take Averlea anyway, or I and Averlea would fly into my parents’ home airport, but one way or another she would be meeting them this Christmas. That is when Jenna just cracked and broke. She started BAWLING and repeating how she ‘couldn’t believe I’d put her in that position’ and when I told this story to my best friend at the pub, even he raised his eyebrow and said that it wasn’t a good move.
Jenna has been sleeping on the couch and I’m beginning to feel awful and second-guess everything.
WIBTJ or am I right in standing my ground here?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your wife is absolutely correct – she had put up with your mom’s jerkery for 10 years.
10 years where you obviously didn’t have her back or your mother would have shut up and figured out a way to coexist by now. Your wife is definitely correct. You need to figure out a way to talk to your mom and say, ‘Now that my daughter is here, the rude comments and jerk behavior stop.
Period.’
Also, a 6-month-old is still pretty reliant on her mother.
Also also, I can’t believe your wife has been sleeping on the couch. You’re lucky it hasn’t been a hotel!! If I was her, it wouldn’t be the couch and it wouldn’t be me.
I’m honestly just shocked at the ignorance here. I can’t believe OP doesn’t realize his behavior and how completely messed up this situation is for his wife.” VulcanDiver
Another User Comments:
“Your family has made no effort to mend the relationship, and you admit your mother in particular treats your wife terribly.
That is why they should not meet your daughter on their own.
And why does your wife have to continue to look past this treatment? Why does your mother get to continue to speak badly about her?
‘It’s unfair to my mom that her parents have gotten to see baby’
YOUR MOM PUT HERSELF IN THIS POSITION!
You don’t get to treat someone like crap for a decade then surprise pikachu face when they don’t want their baby around you. If your mom wants to see the baby, she should try to make amends.
At this point, it’s clear they aren’t going to be best friends, but she does have to treat wife with cordial respect.
YTJ” StevieB85
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Jenna is right. Your mom is hostile to your wife and you don’t stand up for her. Of course, she’s not going to trust you that you can stand up for your baby either. I don’t understand why are you separated from Jenna during Christmas, why are you not traveling together and why is Averlea staying with you.
You need to set clear boundaries with your mom. If she wants a relationship with her granddaughter, she has to respect Jenna and apologize. Jenna’s family is actively trying to improve the relationship, that’s a huge difference. Your mom doesn’t care and isn’t willing to make things better.
From the way you talk about your mother, it’s clear you are enabling her behavior. You say you are in low contact with your mom, yet you have a million excuses why she won’t change her behavior. You made a promise to your wife when she was pregnant, doesn’t matter that you thought she’ll ‘mellow’.
Continue this way and you’ll find yourself divorced.” Labelloenchanted
18. AITJ For Making My Friend's Partner Leave A Wedding?
“My friend, Liz (32f), and I were invited to our friend Amy’s (33f) wedding. Amy has been talking about her wedding day for the 20 years I’ve known her. It was a destination wedding in Spain. I brought my partner as a +1, Liz brought her partner of 1 year, Joe (36M), and their 9-month baby boy, Ellis.
Amy is very child-free, and wanted a child-free wedding but made an exception for Liz because she’s her maid of honor.
Once my bridesmaid duties were done, I took a seat next to my partner and Joe. Amy’s culture involves the main of honor taking part in some really lovely customs, so Liz was still with her.
I was holding Ellis while Joe recorded the maid of honor & bride ritual. Ellis started fussing and crying and he clearly wanted a parent so I gave him to Joe, who put him in the pushchair. But Ellis carried on crying and Amy was shooting DAGGERS in our direction.
I told Joe it was best if he just stepped out of the hall with the baby while the ritual was taking place as it was causing disruption.
Joe told me to take the baby as he wanted to keep recording. I told Joe I’d be happy to record for him, but he really needed to be the one to take his baby outside and soothe him.
We kind of started whisper-bickering and he finally got annoyed and took Ellis in the pushchair. I took a video of the whole ritual, nothing was missed.
After the ceremony part was done, he sulked during the reception and Liz asked for my side of what had happened. I told her and she asked why I couldn’t just take Ellis out since I’m so good with him.
I told her I didn’t want to miss Amy’s wedding and she replied that I made her partner and son miss an important moment for her and now Joe was really annoyed and felt like he was ‘othered.’
Afterward, Amy sent a message to our group chat saying that she’d specifically said to PLEASE take the baby out of the hall if he cried and it shouldn’t have taken as long as it did.
Liz blamed me for not just taking him immediately and waiting for Joe to do it when I knew he was recording. Amy is kind of flicking between both arguments and isn’t sure whose fault it is, she’s just annoyed which is fair enough.
Edit: There was no agreement in place that I would be babysitting Ellis at the wedding. My partner and I had taken Ellis off their hands multiple times over the course of the week so that Liz & Joe could enjoy a date night/sightsee in Spain because I genuinely love Ellis and I’m good with him.
He was also a bit sickly that day and the day before and fussed more with me because he clearly wanted mum or dad.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. At all.
The fact that your friend is doubling down on her stance instead of calling her partner on his nonsense for not properly tending to HIS crying baby is wild to me.
She knows she’s wrong. She’s just used to yall bending to her needs and demands… If she does this long enough, you will have to keep the peace.
Show her differently. OK? Don’t cave on this and also, let her know you love her, but she is being wrong and strong here…
She had already hijacked the no-kids clause. Now she wants her baby daddy to be immune to accountability?! She’s really embarrassed and trying to deflect from the larger issue here. Her selfishness.” mindlessmandee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Liz knew that the bride would have preferred a child-free wedding and should have had a plan or hired someone to watch the baby at the wedding.
Liz and Joe are parents and I get he didn’t want to miss it, you offered to take over the phone and he could have watched it later, part of being a parent is you end up missing things because of the baby.
Perhaps since you helped out and the assumption probably was made you’d just step in.
If you communicated before, hey, I’m here for the wedding too, if the baby needs to be attended to, the parents are the ones that need to step up. I’m here as a guest and not a babysitter. But it’s wrong for them to assume.
The bride, once she allowed a child, there is the chance that something would have happened that would have interrupted, babies cry, or get fussy.
Ultimately, the parents are responsible and Joe put his wants over that of his child’s needs, the bride, and the rest of the guests.
They seemed to treat you as a babysitter, someone they could tell what to do when.” travelkmac
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Unless there was an agreement in place that you’d be the default babysitter, which there wasn’t, they are wrong.
Amy is the one who wanted a child-free wedding and made the exception for this one couple.
That’s on her. One parent was busy with the bride, the other was just a jerk to you. If Liz thinks that you made her partner and her 1-year-old miss out on a moment of hers (which you recorded,) there is a bigger issue here, it sounds like you were default expected to cater to their needs of babysitting.
Not cool on anyone’s part.” yesnomaybe123
17. AITJ For Reminding My Friends Of How Awful Their Husbands Were?
“I (28F) have been a part of a group of friends since we were 8 in school. We have been in and out of touch over the years since I was in grad school but now that I finally moved back to our hometown was very eager to hang out with them again.
Initially, we were all getting along quite well but my friends started becoming too insistent that I stop wasting my life and start looking for someone. I haven’t been in a serious relationship with anyone since my very first relationship, who I was with for over five years and broke up with when I was 21.
Long story short, I still have unresolved trauma.
My friends have all married their school or college SOs, who, in my opinion, are all horrible. Each of them has done things that I think are inexcusable (dishonesty, stealing, and borderline stalker behavior) but were all forgiven, despite not showing any signs of improvement.
I have made my opinion clear on them whenever anyone had asked but have still been very much a part of my friends’ lives.
Recently, two of my friends have gotten pregnant at the same time and have motivated others to actively try as well.
They got after me that I should quickly find someone and have kids of my own or I’ll fall behind. Since then, the badgering has gotten relentless. One time, when the rest of them were complaining about their husbands and/or in-laws, I chimed in, complaining about my mom.
This led to 15 minutes of ‘jokes’ about how I couldn’t understand their problems since I wasn’t in a relationship. Another time, I was ‘teased’ for having to uber home since nobody (aka no husband) was coming to pick me up. When I tell them to stop, I’m told then you should find someone.
The last straw was when I went to the mall with a different friend and found them all hanging out without me. I hadn’t been asked at all. I tried to play it cool, but my friend noticed them and went over to say hi.
They started badgering her (she’s in a relationship) to set me up with someone because I desperately need to stop being single. I tried to change the topic but they constantly went back to the same thing. I finally snapped and said that I would rather be single than be in a relationship for the sake of being in one.
They said I didn’t know anything about relationships since I’d been single for so long. I finally yelled that well you people have all set great examples of what horrible relationships look like. I don’t want to trade places with a single one of you.
This caused an uproar, and even my other friend said that I was very mean and I shouldn’t have been accusatory. She said I hurt their feelings and attacked their trauma points. AITJ?
Edit: 28 is definitely not young here to be getting married. Most girls are pushed to get married the minute they’re done with their education in my country.
Also, to add context I have been told that the problem is that I’m not making any effort to find someone. And yes I’ve told them to stop multiple times. Since the whole showdown, their moms have called mine and complained.”
Another User Comments:
“So… normally I’d say you’re the jerk but in this case?
NTJ.
If you’ve asked them and then told them to stop pressuring you to date, and they haven’t respected that boundary, then it makes sense you’d get more and more upset. So saying something like that in the heat of the moment is logical to me.
However, I think maybe you should find new friends. I don’t know where you live, but where I live 28 is like… the young end of when people start getting married. That is soooo weird to me that they’re pushing you like that.
So they don’t respect your boundaries, they’re being extremely weird about marriage and babies, and frankly, they don’t sound like they’re adults.
They sound like they’re stuck in a high school mentality, where they want everyone in their friend group to be the same. Married, babies, etc.
And also? What is this nonsense about how you don’t know anything about relationships? So that means they know better than you, an adult, about what is best for your life.
That’s infantilizing and extremely inappropriate. And just not true.
You’re the only one who knows what is right for you. And you’re surrounded by people in relationships all the time.
Honestly, it sounds like they’re unhappy with their own lives and they’re interpreting your choice not to join them in married bliss as you judging them for it.
Or they’re jealous?
I really have no idea but it’s gross.” GoldenGoof19
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s not your fault that they kept persisting at you to get in a relationship, just because all of them were in a relationship. Decent friends should not use relationship status to mock you incessantly.
I mean come on. They made jokes about you being single for 15 minutes straight on just one occasion.
Don’t worry about falling behind. Things happen at different paces and life is not a race. And sometimes people just don’t want to be in relationships. And that’s okay.
That should be accepted and not questioned.
And it’s one thing to make ‘jokes’ when they have good partners, but they don’t? Liars, stalkers, and thieves? No thanks. Trust me. You’re better off on your own than with partners like that. Good on you for putting them in their place.
They know you have trauma and actively ignore it.” CannotBeCalm
Another User Comments:
“Until it got to what you said I would enthusiastically say NTJ but even true things can be rude, but that’s one jerk move to their repeated history of it.
It’s ok to outgrow people who have different values from you.
Friends should want the person they care about to be happy and receive love but it’s not up to them to decide how that happens. If you don’t want a relationship or to jump into becoming a parent that’s totally valid and should be respected.
They sound like they are caught up in toxic cycles based around what someone is ‘supposed’ to be doing but there is no ‘supposed’ to in life. Live at your pace. There’s more to life than romantic relationships. Hold firm to what you deserve. Don’t take less than that.
Their lives are only going to get messier as they continue building on their traumas instead of sorting out their problems. How much of that do you want to be involved in? I recommend spending your time and energy on people who respect you and your life decisions and people whose life decisions you respect.” sassafrASK
16. AITJ For Not Letting My Parents Use My EBT Card?
“I received Snap benefits (Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program) just last Monday after a 30-day wait.
We live in a household of 5. Ages 30,25,4,3 and 2 months. My fiance brings in anywhere from 2000-2400 a month hours depending and I do not work due to the costs of childcare outweighing an additional check at this time. We currently receive rental assistance, Medicaid, and recently 600$ a month in EBT (electronic benefits transfer).
My father’s reasoning: He is currently working factory work making nearly double what my fiance brings in but he had 1 week of shutdown in November and is facing 3 weeks of shutdown at the end of December. His wife makes enough of social security to pay rent and her adult child stays with them and aids in utilities and buys his own food.
They are not eligible for assistance due to making nearly 50,000 a year just two adults.
My reasoning: My father requested to pay me $50 for $100 food stamps. I told him no as I am uncomfortable with that because it’s fraud and I can lose my benefits.
My father also has a gambling issue and is constantly buying ‘magical leaves’ nearly if not weekly. I am worried if I tell him yes he will continue to ask me when he is back working but spent too much of his money and needs to be bailed out.
I love my father dearly and I don’t want to see them without food so I offered a $100 gift card to a grocery store instead.
My father refused and was furiously telling me he was returning the toys he bought my children so he can use them on food and was canceling Christmas with us.
He would no longer attend Christmas dinner or see the grandchildren. He is convinced we are living the easy life due to our financial aid but we are in debt and struggle to pay our other finances as is. Who is the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He makes plenty of money to tide him over. He doesn’t need help from you, he needs to stop gambling and cut back on his smoking if he needs to.
There is no need for him to dip his hand into your pocket when you are getting benefits because you genuinely qualify for them (there’s a good reason he doesn’t).
Shame on him. You may love him, but that doesn’t mean you need to enable him. In actuality, you would end up hurting everyone by enabling him. Entitlement on his side and resentment on yours would build up.
Nip this in the bud now. It won’t get better if you give in to stop him throwing a fit now – caving would just mean slowly fostering a bigger problem between you.” jwjnthrowawaykfeiofj
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Those food benefits are because YOUR household doesn’t make enough to supply its needs. Your father’s issue is mismanagement, and we don’t generally give government aid for that because everyone is responsible for using their income responsibly. If you got caught, you’d lose the aid your family needs.
One is almost never the jerk for refusing to actively break the law to benefit someone else.
It’s appalling that he’s punishing your children because you’re rightly refusing to take food from their mouths to support his vices.” KaliTheBlaze
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You get the EBT for a reason and you are right to deny your father access to it.
If you are found out, you will lose your benefits. As you stated, your father might make a habit of asking/demanding this assistance from you while you can barely afford things yourself.
Your father gets an option and denies it which tells me he doesn’t want to use the money for food. Most people who are really in need of food will jump at the chance of getting a gift card with money from a grocery store.
His refusing to visit you and his grandchildren and returning their gifts is to force you into compliance.
Honestly, He is the major jerk at this point. He is now using your children as a weapon against you. Don’t fall for it.” nerothic
15. AITJ For Not Telling My Daughter That I Love Her?
“I (36m) did not have the best upbringing growing up. I’ve been let down, neglected, lied to, and discarded so many times that it took a massive amount of therapy to get to where I’m at now but events from my past still linger and can seep into my present life.
One of the most prominent things that I am aware of is my struggle with being able to form meaningful and lasting attachments with other people.
I can be friendly, hang out with others, and actually like a person, but it will take a significant amount of time for me to genuinely care for and form a personal attachment to them.
The way that I have always seen it is to not get too attached too soon because that person may end up leaving my life either through a lack of interest in staying in touch or just dying. Because of this, I ran through a lot of relationships saying things that I didn’t mean just so I could get the positive feelings that they gave me.
I can now admit that that was an atrocious thing to do and I no longer act out in such a way.
I am currently in a five-year-long relationship with my partner ‘Sarah’ (38f) who for some reason is able to love me in spite of knowing all my faults.
However, before I met Sarah I fathered a child named ‘Kara’ (19f) back in high school except I didn’t know that I did until a few months ago when she reached out to me through social media. When she first reached out I had my doubts as I A) didn’t see a physical resemblance between us and B) I had no idea who her mom was when she told me her name.
It wasn’t until Kara showed me some old pictures of her that something clicked and I agreed to submit for a DNA test.
I was shocked when it came back that I was her father but accepted that it was what it was and promptly gave Kara as much as I could about my medical history and always responded to her calls, messages, and agreed to her requests to in-person meetings as we actually only lived about a 3-4 car hour drive away.
Kara never had a dad growing up and was so excited to meet and hang out with me. I actually started to feel bad because Kara was clearly more into having a relationship with me than I was into having one with her. It’s not that I wasn’t curious about her or interested in getting to know her, I am, I just don’t have that instant love for her that she seems to have for me.
I’m also not saying that I won’t grow to love her, it’s just not gonna be any time soon. Recently Kara straight up asked me why I haven’t said I loved her yet and I didn’t want to lie so I told her about my attachment issues and the reason for them, but I am interested in trying because she seems like an amazing person.
I attempted to be as gentle as I could with this but I guess it wasn’t enough because Kara has been responding to my messages less and less, AITJ for not telling my daughter that I love her at the moment?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
It would have been cruelest to tell her you to love her if you don’t yet.
It might not be that alone which is putting her off though. She’s probably spent her whole life wondering about who her father may be and possibly built him up in her mind to be an epic figure.
Reconciling that with a normal flesh-and-blood man with human failings takes some time and she’s not bad for wanting some space to manage reality.
I have a friend who was adopted as a baby. She loves her parents but has always been curious about her birth mother.
They connected a few years ago and met up. And as it turns out, they don’t like each other. Birth mother has issues with my friend’s s*******y, doesn’t approve of her job (veterinary assistant – mother doesn’t like animals and thinks she should have been a nurse instead), doesn’t share any of her interests, etc. Friend finds birth mother high-strung and judgemental. They post birthday and Christmas greetings now, and that’s it.
It’s a hard thing to cope with when your lifelong fantasy collides with reality. If Kara is the amazing person you think she is, she’ll work her way through it. Keep the lines of communication open and just let things develop at a pace you both can live with.” stormywhethers321
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Lying to your daughter who you barely know is worse than not jumping the gun on saying I love you. This situation sucks for both of you – she grew up without a dad and is now ecstatic that she gets to build a relationship with you.
You fathered a child and found out 19 years later and are left to deal with the immense amount of emotion that brings up.
She’s always known about you so she’s had years to feel love for you, even if it was based on just her idea of who you might be.
Once she reached out she had a person to project that love onto, and she’s really lucky that you are open and willing to get to know her. Many dads in this situation wouldn’t be, unfortunately.
You just found out about her, under circumstances that were out of your control.
You don’t have 19 years of love stored up for someone you didn’t know existed.
I think an honest conversation (preferably in person) about your past, and how you’re feeling now is important. It’s not that you don’t want to love her, you just haven’t had the opportunity to yet.
Make sure she knows how excited you are that you have that opportunity now. I think over time this could be a beautiful relationship between the two of you.
Maybe therapy would be a good idea for both of you if it’s feasible. This is a huge life-altering change in both of your lives and talking it out with an unbiased third party trained in these kinds of things might be very helpful.” starryeyedd
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
And Kara is acting her age. Just asking why you haven’t said you love her tells me that she’s idealized the idea of finding you and nearly like she’s is that little kid that’s 3 or 4 and just wants to love their parent because they are their parent.
An older person may have developed different thoughts and had the understanding that this is essentially two strangers that have never met. She always knew you existed. You had no idea till you got that call.
There are different types of love as I’m sure you know.
You guys are still in the stage of getting to know each other and developing feelings that you’ll fall into (not romantic). In some ways, it’s nearly like a step-parent situation where you come into the child’s life when they are older but you just have a biological connection.
It takes time to build those other connections.
I’d probably suggest some therapy for you if you haven’t got any yet for your abandonment issues. You could consider finding one that specializes in people in your situation of supporting people who connect with parents/kids after years.
Kara will be disappointed but you haven’t broken her heart. She’s an adult. If it was a little kid you may have just lied. You have done a lot more than many parents in your position. Some want nothing to do with a child they never knew existed.” KitchenDismal9258
14. AITJ For Not Going To My Mother's Wedding?
“My mother gets married this month.
I (M29), and my wife (F29) live in another state 1,000 or so miles away from her. We have 1 child together (2) and my wife’s got 2 of her own previous relationship (7,8). We try to vacation in her state, which is where I grew up twice a year.
Let’s say every February and every September.
My mother and wife have a very rocky relationship. My wife still sends pictures to my mother even though my mother never reaches out to ask how our daughter is doing, which I find disrespectful. My mother saves the pictures and posts them on social media, to show she’s a good grandmother.
We were there visiting 2 months ago, we even went to my mother’s house, which my wife didn’t feel comfortable with, but did it for me and my daughter. My mother didn’t mention anything about a wedding, until after we left her house and went back to our hotel.
We received an evite over text.
We initially told my mom, we could make it. Turns out the wedding is on Dec 24th. Financially we can’t make the wedding, Christmas, hotel, rental, etc. it’s just way too much money. My two brothers aren’t going either.
I let my mom know, she told me; ‘ever since you’ve been married to your wife you’ve changed’. Which hurt me. I told her I’d been to her other two weddings, and that she’ll be alright.
I don’t have any kind of relationship with her current fiancé couldn’t even tell you his hair color.
My mindset is if you don’t care about my marriage or daughter, why should I put my family in a bad financial position just to show face?
AITJ for how I handled it?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Funny she chose the date she did.
Christmas eve, high travel costs, and grandchildren. Doesn’t tell you till a couple of months out so it’s difficult for someone who lives far away to attend. It’s almost like she did it purposely knowing her son’s probably wouldn’t make it. Right off the bat, she is the victim, your wife is the bad guy, and you changed.
It’s all about her, all the time.” McflyThrowaway01
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She sent an evite invitation. You responded that you can’t make it after all. Your reasons are valid and fine. She’s chosen a day that was very likely to result in people not being able to come, not just you, not just for money reasons, but because people have other plans that day.
Her response to your information that you can’t make it after all, being the day it is, was to be intentionally hurtful to you. She’s the jerk here, for being cruel to you.
I’d say she was upset that she couldn’t control you and make you comply, and she’s trying to blame this on your wife, instead of respecting that you are now an adult making adult decisions for your own life, because she’s wanting to still force your compliance, even if, and maybe intentionally if, it makes a wedge between you and your wife.
Many manipulative parents will blame the spouse when they lose control over their adult children because they don’t want to believe that their adult child wouldn’t just comply with all their wants.
NTJ. You made a decision that was based on the needs of your new family, which is a higher priority than the wants of your mother, for yet another wedding.
If she treats her partners like she treats you and your wife, you can start a fund in your savings to attend her next wedding.” blueberryyogurtcup
Another User Comments:
“I think you have two separate things going on here that you’re conflating – your mother’s relationship with your family and your mother’s wedding.
They’re not the same thing.
You’re hurt that your mother doesn’t express the level of interest in your family that you want her to. And it’s okay to feel that way. But, she’s also not obligated to be a grandmom or the grandmom that you want.
That’s life. Talk to her about it (if you haven’t).
Your other issue is how she treated you about the wedding. That’s really your question here. You’re NTJ. Not because of a tit-for-tat with how she is being a grandmom, but because of her lack of consideration in having you involved. She didn’t even tell you in person/over the phone/etc. You got a text.
And, even then, you made an effort to try to go, but it didn’t work out due to circumstances. Bad things happen sometimes.” Toht
13. AITJ For Not Telling My Brother That I'm Buying Our Childhood Home?
“When my dad passed away he left the house my brothers and I grew up into the 3 of us and our mum.
By then it had already been a rental property for 18 years so none of our family was living in it.
Over the last 5 years, my elder brother keeps complaining that he doesn’t have any money. In the last year, he decided that he wants to be bought out of the house we jointly own, but he wanted way above the market rate (£180k instead of £110k) for his share.
Mum, my younger brother and I offered him the market rate price only. He refused and secretly contacted a solicitor and sent us all notice that he would be forcing the sale if we didn’t give him the price he wanted.
We tried to compromise but he said that he didn’t care about the property, sentiment meant nothing to him and he just wanted the funds.
In the end, the 3 of us bought him out for a price between his asking price and market value.
He has barely spoken to the family since.
My mum started worrying that when she passes (she’s in her late 80s) the same issue will come up again.
So my younger brother and I suggested that we buy out her share leaving the 2 of us as the only owners.
The sale went through and when he came to my grandson’s birthday party my SIL must have told him. He’s furious and rang our mum screaming at her and saying that he’s been excluded from family decisions and we are purposefully cutting him out.
He told her that he won’t speak to her ever again unless I and my younger brother apologized to him in person.
I really don’t think we did anything wrong and if he’s guilting mum then he’s the jerk actually.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He ‘didn’t care about the property’ when he had a share in it. As soon as he sold his share, any involvement he may have had in it was non-existent. He’s just mad because he assumed that a third of your mum’s share would go to him and he could force you and your brother to buy that from him too.
Now you’ve beaten him to it, he’ll just get a share of the money rather than a grossly inflated price that screws you two out of your own inheritance.
Tell him to get lost.” mister_barfly75
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.
He already got more than his fair share of the money for this house and you’re right. He’s being a huge jerk and you’ve done nothing wrong.
In fact, you’re doing the smart thing by eliminating any chance that he’ll try to double-dip.
And if that house does have sentimental value to you, your brother, and/or your mom, you’re also doing the morally right thing by protecting it from his attempt to force a sale in the future.
Personally, as hard as it is, I would call his bluff here.
His presence in your life isn’t a gift to you. If he threatens to walk away, let him.” Adverbsaredumb
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: He sold his share. You, your brother, and your mom each had shared and then bought out his share. Your mom doesn’t want this to happen again because buying out his share at his price must have set her back a lot and probably doesn’t want to be involved in this situation ever again.
You and your brother bought out your mother’s share. You have nothing to apologize for he wanted out of the joint property he got paid now he’s mad that he couldn’t get a share again.” waynegeorge97
12. AITJ For Not Giving My Instagram Account To My Brother's Significant Other?
“So I (28f) have an Instagram account that I used to use to post my artwork on. I managed to get a little over 35k followers at one point but it has since dropped to 30k as it has been inactive for some time as a little over 3 years ago I lost interest in it and stop using it.
I haven’t logged in for over 2 years
The issue is with my brother’s (29) significant other Katie (26) who is a wanna-be influencer. She has about 6000s followers. But act like it’s a lot more.
It all started at our little sister’s (11) birthday.
I took a picture with my little sister and went to post it on my personal Instagram.
Which only has about 62 followers.
Its account is private and my followers are all family and friends.
Katie sees me and makes a comment about how I should build my brand more.
My little sister who dislike Katie was standing next to me. Brought up my art account and how I have more than Katie on it.
Katie look confused. And ask what she meant so I explain about my old art account.
Katie ask to see it so I show her the account.
Katie gave me a weird look and walked away and I thought that was that.
The next day she was over at my parents again.
She pulled me aside and starts asking about the account.
Namely how I managed to gain that following. I simply tell her the truth. I just started posting my art and people liked it. And my followers grew over the span of 5 years.
She ask why I stopped posting and I explain I lost interest.
She then went on to say, ‘Well if you’re not using it you should give it to someone who will.’
Confused, I ask what she meant.
She said I should give her the account so she can use it since I’m not. Saying it is a waste to have the account just sitting there.
I tell her no as I might want to start using it again someday.
She gets mad and talks about how it’s not fair that I have more followers than her on an account I don’t use. She said since I’m not using it I’m being selfish.
And basically in lesser words demand, I give it to her.
I again tell her no she can’t have it and she gets mad and walks away.
My brother calls me up later and tells me she had been complaining about me all day and he also ask me to give it to her.
I tell him no and that they need to stop asking.
My brother groans and repeats what Katie said.
Your not even using it why can’t you just give it to her?
I simply tell him no. It’s my account whether I use it or not.
He then accused me of doing this to pick on Katie and also accused me of showing her the page to rub it in her face.
He calls me the jerk for keeping the account when I know how much Katie wants to have a following.
I told him that I made the account I build the following and I decided what to do with it.
Now’s he mad at me because Katie won’t stop complaining and she is making his life miserable. I now wonder if maybe I’m the jerk here.
As of now, I have no plan to use the account. And maybe I’m being selfish in keeping it.
AITJ for refusing to give my brother’s SO my abandoned Instagram account with 30k followers?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if she wants to be an influencer (eye roll) then she needs to build her own follower base of people who are interested in what she’s doing.
Your audience does not translate to instant success for her. I’m an artist myself and follow other artists. If one of them switched to someone else doing ‘influencer’ crap, I’d unfollow immediately.
No is a complete sentence, but just to be petty, you should tell her that her interest in your account made you realize how valuable it is and that you should be using it, and then post one thing like every six months so it’s ‘active.'” Jerseygirl2468
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s not just a random account; it’s your artwork on your account. If you give control of it to her, she can claim it as her own. Where does that leave you? If you post it somewhere else, you’ll be accused of basically stealing your own work.
What if she decides to sell copies of your work from the account? What if you want to use the work for a future portfolio? She’s just looking at the number of followers, but the important thing about the account is that it is full of your original work.
She should also probably realize that one of the reasons that so many people followed you is because you put your original labor of love out there and people responded positively to it. Meanwhile, she is just another wanna-be influencer in a sea of thousands with seemingly nothing original to say.” Little-Sea-6868
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Unfortunately, Katie is entitled, demanding, and insane.
He then accused me of doing this to pick on Katie and also accused me of showing her the page to rub it in her face.
You said, ‘He then accused me of doing this to pick on Katie and also accused me of showing her the page to rub it in her face’.
You didn’t do anything. She asked to see it. You complied. Shaos (‘Katie-os’) ensued.
Then your brother says, ‘You’re not even using it why can’t you just give it to her.’
That would be like your brother building a house, then you telling him, you are not using the house at the moment, give it to me.
Your brother would rightly respond, I built the house, it’s mine whether I’m using it or not.
Katie has some major issues, not sure what is malfunctioning in her brain, but your account has nothing to do with her, your followers have nothing to do with her, and most importantly, she has nothing to do with your account.
She didn’t build it, the followers are following you because they like your art, and even if you gave her the account, there is no reason the existing followers would continue to follow Katie,
I hope your brother runs far and fast.” Gladtobealive2020
11. AITJ For Urging My Husband To Find Out Who His Biological Father Is?
“For my husband to enlist in the National Guard, he had to give a copy of his birth certificate. When we asked his mom to provide one, she sent a ‘keepsake’ type certificate. So we had to ask her to send the actual state-filed official document.
Once we received it we noticed that the name on the certificate was not her maiden name, and not the last name of my husband’s dad. My husband’s dad DID sign the birth certificate on the day of his birth. He was never told by his mother that she had had a previous marriage, or even really ‘dated’ anyone before his father.
She is the private type and likes to keep everything completely secrete (which I suppose is her prerogative). My husband already holds a fair bit of animosity towards his mom for being secretive, so he brushed this off as just another baggage item. Fine. OK.
Me being nosey was curious about the last name. When was she married? How long? So I got on the internet and did some record searching in that county. Well… turns out that the year my husband was born, she was still married to this other man (hence her last name on the certificate).
Only to be divorced that year shortly after his birth. What makes it more concerning is that 4 years later his mom filed to collect child support from this previous spouse. The man counter-filed for visitation and she dropped the charges and it was left at that.
I supplied this evidence to my husband. Of course, he was upset. We agreed that no matter what, the man that had raised him was his father, and nothing would change that. We love him to death and wouldn’t have it any other way. But you can understand that he was also very hurt by the fact that his mother had lied to him.
And even if it’s a possibility SHE herself may not know who the biological father is because of timing and the choices she made, it’s my opinion that my husband still has the right to know.
The reason I believe any of this pertains to me is that we are trying to have a family of our own.
We have been struggling with infertility and I just shudder to think that we don’t know if there are any predisposing health concerns on his paternal side, if his dad really isn’t his biological father. And maybe that doesn’t give me the right to push him to find out.
He doesn’t want to make waves in the family, but his mother always asks why he is so distant from her. And he just holds so much resentment for the whole situation, that it hurts to watch it continue.
So AITJ for continuing to bring it up, insisting he should try to find out what actually happened?
or WIBTJ for pursuing more information on my own? Is it my place?
Info – Initially found out in our 20s when we weren’t married. Has resurfaced due to applying for passports.
We currently have been left at ‘unexplained infertility’ after genetic testing of both me and my husband and several in-office procedures and a couple of failed IUI attempts.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
‘I just shudder to think that we don’t know if there are any predisposing health concerns on his paternal side’
Oh, please. I guarantee you don’t know everything lurking on your side of the family. And if you want to find out as best you can, that’s what genetic testing is for, which you can do without confronting any of the actual people responsible for that DNA.
This is not information that you need, and your husband does not want to delve any deeper than he already has. Let it go. Or if you absolutely must push him on something, ask him to go to therapy to figure out how he wants to handle things with his mom going forward, instead of continuing to dig on your own until you find a dad he isn’t and may never be ready to deal with.” mm172
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You shouldn’t have dug deeper after he accepted it was just another baggage item and didn’t show any interest in knowing. You could have figured something out that could have been traumatic for him.
Respect his decisions. It is his past and his family history, not yours.
You’re being nosy and prying where you have no place to. If your husband wants to know more he will look into it or ask you to. But clearly, you have asked him multiple times and he does not want to. So, let it go.” Suspicious_Lemon9960
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You’re just being nosy and using ‘future children’ as an excuse.
It’s very likely that mom and ex got divorced BECAUSE she was pregnant by another man. Makes sense if that man then signed the birth certificate. Later mom needed money perhaps and thought it would be easy to get child support from her ex.
Then when he didn’t roll over, she dropped it. Because she would have to explain why her ex was getting visitation with 2nd husband’s son.
Now, it’s possible that 2nd husband says ‘You told me he was mine, now you’re suing ex for support. What gives?’ and she decided she’d rather keep her 2nd husband than get child support from the first one, regardless of who was the real father.
But not likely.
So, you can try to find the ex-husband, but it is up to him or your FIL to provide a DNA sample if you really want to figure this out. Your future child can’t put down 3 grandfathers’ medical history.
And for real: What exactly do you plan to do differently if you find out that either of these men has a health condition?” 1962Michael
10. AITJ For Lying About My Financial Situation To Protect My Partner's Feelings?
“I (23m) am nearly halfway through a year abroad. As much as I hate to be like those meme stereotypes everyone talks about people who study abroad… it really IS a life-changing experience.
I’m really trying to temper my excitement because I know honeymoon periods are real when it comes to living in a new place, but I genuinely think the city I’m in now is where I’d like to spend my life. I’ve met so many incredible people and had experiences I’ll never forget.
I was supposed to fly home for Christmas and have had a plane ticket booked for months now. Even if I hadn’t, I would have plenty of money to pay for it. On top of the allowance I’ve been getting from my parents, I’ve been all but adopted by a family nearby where I’m staying.
I found the person I consider my platonic soulmate here, and I’ve been working for his father when I have the time – so I also make extra money from that – and staying at their place instead of the tiny school-provided accommodations. They invited me to stay with them for Christmas, and it started looking more and more appealing.
Experiencing the holidays there, especially New Year’s and my friend’s upcoming end-of-December birthday was incredibly hard to turn down.
So, I told my partner that the country turned out to be more expensive than I thought, my previous flight got canceled without warning and I got screwed over by the airline, so I won’t be able to make it home.
I broke this news to her a few weeks ago, and she’s been trying to come up with solutions ever since. I feel bad about lying, but I feel like the alternative would be breaking her heart by telling her that I’m not coming home by choice.
Last night, she called me and told me that she had started working extra shifts and had made enough money to fly me in herself. Obviously, I felt terrible, but I politely turned it down by saying I already made other plans after my original flight was ‘canceled.’
AITJ?
EDIT: I just got off a FaceTime call with my partner where I admitted to lying and explained that my priorities have shifted. I told her that after coming home for graduation, I would likely move to this new country permanently. It was a hard talk with some tears on her part.
She attempted to talk me out of these decisions, saying it was absurd to have made such a pivotal life choice in a few months. That felt unfair to me. I hadn’t necessarily gone into the conversation with the full intent of a breakup, but her not understanding me and the life I can envision here solidified that choice for me.”
Another User Comments:
“So you’re sneaking behind your partner’s back with a guy and vice versa and haven’t told either of them that you’re stringing both along because you like to have cake and eat it too. You’re just the worst of the worst, seriously.
You’ve basically set up an ideal situation for you where you have a foot out the door in both relationships and can bail if one of them falls apart. You’re such a jerk to everyone and I hope people catch on and abandon you. You don’t deserve that guy and his family nor do you deserve that amazingly kind partner.
YTJ to the fullest.” queenlegolas
Another User Comments:
“Clearly YTJ for lying about the whole Christmas situation.
But more so, it sounds like you’ve mentally already got one foot out the door of your whole life situation that existed before your placement abroad. Your partner clearly has a lot emotionally invested in the relationship if she’s working extra to pay for you to fly home.
If this is a long-standing, serious relationship, and she has expectations about it progressing to marriage eventually, you absolutely owe this woman an honest talk about the whole situation. Don’t string her along and waste her time on a relationship that you’re not committed to.” superflex
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Your partner sounds sweet, caring, and invested in your relationship. It’s time to own up that you lied before she works herself to the bone trying to generate solutions, going to your parents, or even taking it onto herself to fly there with all that extra shift money.
The truth is going to come out soon. No airline cancels a flight unexpectedly weeks in advance. Airlines like to overbook, they might have mechanical issues and pilot shortages but your story just doesn’t pass the sniff test.
A partner is someone you should confide in, not deceive.
It sounds like you’re emotionally invested in someone else and even not thinking of returning. Maybe consider how you feel about staying in your relationship. Otherwise, be best to leave so you can settle over there and she can find someone who respects and cares for her.” mitch3498
9. AITJ For Telling A Tall Guy At The Airplane To Upgrade His Seat?
“The flight between two major European cities costs about 60 euros. The flight time is 1.5 hours.
Me (32M) I am 5’10 and I check in to my flight the night before. I wanted a window seat, so I chose a window seat. It was not extra, but I had seen that the cost for extended legroom was about 20 euros.
This was a larger plane so each side of the aisle had 3 seats, so window, middle, and aisle. I didn’t feel the need to get more space because I intended to sleep and it’s generally sufficient space.
After takeoff, the person in front reclines their seat.
No problem, I recline my seat, but the guy in the aisle behind, but in the middle stops me. Tells me that he is too big and the chair reclines into his legs. This man seated in the middle is extraordinarily tall, and seated in the middle, so his knees extend into the space of both the aisle and window seats.
People on both sides of him now have their space invaded by his limps, and the entire row in front of him can’t recline their seats (despite the aisle in front reclining and invading their space). A total of 5 people around him have minor inconveniences because of his height.
I say ‘Yea no problem, I won’t recline my seat, but next time you can choose a different seat so as to not inconvenience 5 other people’. He explains that normally the attendants give him an aisle seat or upgrade him, but they couldn’t this time.
I respond that it isn’t the airline’s responsibility to give him a seat, and if he knows he doesn’t fit in a middle seat he could have chosen an aisle, as there was no charge to choose an aisle seat (I had seen the option the night before) or he could have upgraded for extended legroom seating for an extra 20 euro.
He says he didn’t have the 20 euros to spend (mind you he is flying to one of the most expensive cities in the world. I said choosing an aisle option is free, to which he says he didn’t have that choice and that I am being selfish.
I respond by saying ‘I’m not being selfish, I’m fine with having less space so you can be more comfortable, but pointing out that you’re the selfish one for not taking responsibility for others’ space and depending on flight attendants to put you in better seats.’
He thanks me for my opinion sarcastically, and I sarcastically reply that I’m just looking out for his best interests. We exchange fake smiles.
Honestly, what bothered me was the rent-seeking behavior and the principle of it. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Yeah.
YTJ here. You shouldn’t have gotten into an argument with him. I’m a tall person. I try to get seats with extra legroom on a plane when I can, but sometimes I can’t. Either not available or prohibitively expensive. I live in fear of somebody reclining into my knees.
It sounded like he wasn’t a jerk when he asked you if you could please not recline and explain the situation behind you. He didn’t need a lecture. He sounded like he was acutely aware of his options and did his best.
Just be a decent human being.
It’s a 1.5-hour flight, and having your knees crushed is a much bigger inconvenience than it is for you not to recline.
I mean, the real jerks are the airlines, but… not much to be done about that.” derango
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. The airline’s neglect in providing sufficient space for customers to be comfortable is not the fault of any customer.
To body shame, anyone for any reason is a jerk move, and that’s what you did to that man. Making presumptions about other people’s money and spending it for them is also a jerk move. Making such a big deal out of experiencing ‘minor inconveniences’ when it was such a short flight was a jerk move.
What you should have done was make the flight attendants aware of the problem and have them sort it out if they could. What you chose to do was make a big scene and embarrass another person who didn’t need you to tell him that he is very tall and impinging on other people’s space – he already knows that but there’s nothing he can do about it such a poorly designed space over which he has no control.” DameLizardville
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – You’re acting like this dude CHOSE to be 6’8” and therefore chose to make everyone around him uncomfortable… mainly himself. Then you ASSUME he had the same options to choose a seat you did and then went about lecturing him on his flying choices.
Don’t you think he would have chosen an aisle seat if he could? He could have had a different type of ticket that didn’t offer him a seat choice or maybe had to make a last-minute purchase due to a number of reasons, therefore, limiting his seat choices, but you decided to paint his story with your brush, and be a jerk about it.
It was a 1.5-hour flight, sorry you couldn’t recline and it was nice of you to not, but you could have withheld the lecture.” ReticentMe
8. AITJ For Ignoring My Boss's Texts And Calls While I Was On Vacation?
“I took my 1-week vacation last week. I didn’t have any plans to travel and wanted to rest at home. I already met my deadlines so I didn’t think there would be anything pressing that my team members couldn’t handle.
When my boss found out that I would still be in the country, she later mentioned in the team meeting that I would have to be on-call and work during my vacation.
In the past, my boss had blown up my cell phone and Teams when I was away sick or at an approved appointment because an issue occurred. My boss relied on me to advise and solve issues even though she joined the team around the same time I did.
I would always try to refuse but my boss would guilt trip or intimidate me into working.
While I was on vacation my boss texted and called me about an issue but I had enough and ignored it. My job is demanding since I put in 15-20 hours of overtime a week but it’s an entry-level position.
I don’t think they need me to advise and offer solutions but supposedly no one else in the company can.
When I returned to work yesterday, I opened my Teams to a great deal of missed messages and some deleted messages from my boss. My boss immediately called a team meeting to criticize me and told me that I abandoned my duty during an emergency.
That I let my team members down who had to work overtime and I show no care for my work. That I knew I was supposed to be on-call and ready to work since I was going to be home all week and blindsided them.
I feel that if I’m on vacation, I should be allowed to take a break. On the other side, I was at home all week and could have accessed my work laptop. All of the VPs work a few hours every day during their vacation.
(I’m not a VP as some commenters were confused.)
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you are on vacation. In most places, they aren’t allowed to contact you, go to HR mention the harassment when you were on vacation, and mention the petty harassment you received and how you were publicly reprimanded/ intentionally trying to humiliate you for professional boundaries if nothing is done keep pushing until something is you are under no obligation to work during your vacay or days off, burn out can be serious hence why legally they can only make you work so many hours a week and aren’t supposed to contact you during vacation.
It would be different if he called you once saying like ‘hey I know you’re on vacation we are having trouble here so when you’re back if we are still having the same issue we will need your help’ and maybe if he left 1 note on your work messages laying out the problem.
But what your boss did was harassment and bullying.
Also, keep all emails and call logs that he has sent you to save the messages on your work chat/email make sure to keep the paper trail take screenshots of everything, and don’t delete anything.
As proof for HR.” Newfie1313
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
This crap is why a lot of companies cannot retain good employees.
It doesn’t matter if you were across the world, across the country, or sitting in your house – your approved vacation time is your personal time away from work.
In your shoes, I’d try to go to HR – but I’m just guessing that it won’t get you far given how ingrained it seems to be in the overall company culture.
It’s definitely time to start looking for a new job.” hannahsflora
Another User Comments:
“I’d seriously consider emailing your boss, and CCing your boss’s boss, to ask for a meeting to talk about how you can make use of your paid leave, which is part of your compensation when your boss is unable to figure out the answers to questions in their own job without you there.
Stress that you understand how hard it is for your boss to need so much help, so your boss’s boss understands that either your boss is incompetent and you should have their job since you’re more qualified, or your boss is lazy and is making you do their work and then taking the credit.
Offer solutions, such as training your boss, or hiring a second person for your position to help do your boss’s job when you have a medical appointment or are on leave. But make clear that you cannot continue to do your boss’s job at your current compensation level and with no paid leave, and ask to meet to solve the issue.
NTJ” annang
7. AITJ For Getting My Family Into Financial Trouble?
“Last week SIL (F31; single mother) called me (F32) in a panic. She had had a couple of rough months financially and while waiting to be paid for some work she had made the choice to pay rent and groceries and so her car was about to be repossessed so she needed to borrow money.
I said yes and sent her the money because we don’t live in an area where public transport is a viable option. I called my husband (M37) right after and he agreed that sending her the money was the right choice. Now, normally this would not be a big deal at all, we are not rich but we do live within our means and usually have money for all the extras we want.
Where the problems come in is that we had a very large, unexpected (mandatory) expense at the end of November of around $1400, then on Friday our youngest (F1) got sick and needed medication, and my paycheck was about $400 short(payroll company had an issue and shorted entire company on checks, there is a makeup check coming but it definitely threw off our bill payment schedule).
I knew about these when I made the decision to send the money, I just thought that our finances being tight for a bit was better than SIL having no way to get to work and provide for her kids.
When all was said and done our finances turned out to be a lot tighter than I anticipated, I must have been off on calculations somewhere, and we’ll need to go without extras to avoid dipping into savings or needing to use our credit card.
We had to tell our oldest (M7) that a reward he’s been working toward for several months needed to wait since we don’t have the money right now. My stepmother overheard and must have told my dad because he called on Sunday concerned and asking if we needed help with anything.
I briefly explained to him the situation, leaving my SIL out of it, and now I think he’s actually more worried that we’re in trouble and thinks our slimmed-down Christmas present plans — a choice we had already been leaning toward since earlier this year — is caused by not having enough money.
So I’m wondering AITJ because I didn’t adequately look at our finances and now we’re stressed and worried that we’ll end up relying on credit cards this month?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here and NTJ. it seems like y’all were just trying to help, and it’s absolutely okay to ask your kiddo to wait a bit for something.
Just don’t make a habit of it!
Kids shouldn’t have to worry about money, and that is an important thing to communicate with your child. It is also important, to be honest with them! explaining the situation in simple terms, emphasizing the fact that you are choosing to put off something important to your child/only because/someone is in serious need, could even be a good teaching moment.
Make sure to tell your kiddo that this isn’t any sort of punishment and that helping people doesn’t always involve sacrifice!
Perhaps you could give the child something else they would consider a treat in the meantime, like… I don’t know, chocolate chip pancakes every morning for a week or something?
or being allowed to pick the music in the car every day for a week, something like that.” cupofspice
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ – Decisions were made and you are short. You have a strong grasp on how you and the family landed in this position.
This is a strength. The critical question is what will you do differently in the future… unless you want to repeat this. Don’t spend time beating yourself up; create a plan. Best to you.” DesertSong-LaLa
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you and your SIL both got caught with unexpected expenses – it’s called life and it happens and sometimes it sucks a bit.
Credit cards should not be your go-to move, but for an emergency, they are better than some joker doing business out of his car and charging 150% vig. Don’t beat yourself up too much, but use it as a learning opportunity. Maybe a good resolution for next year would be to start working on an emergency fund that’s tucked away for just this kind of situation.” Dipping_My_Toes
6. AITJ For Asking My Mom To Return The Laptop?
“I told my mom I wanted a laptop for Christmas that I could use for school and college work. She told me to look for the one I wanted, but I haven’t done it yet because I want to make sure and find the right one.
I looking for one that was around $500 or less with decent specs, a touchscreen, and was not too big/heavy. Earlier today though, she told me she bought one and it was already delivered, and she wanted me to open it to make sure it worked and everything.
When she showed me which one she got, however, it was a $1300 gaming laptop. I was surprised and loved that she got me such a good gaming laptop, but I also felt really bad. I already have a pretty good desktop pc to play games on, so I would almost never play games on the laptop.
It had a 3070 which is a pretty big upgrade to what I have on my pc, but I still don’t think I would play on it instead of my desktop. And when I read the reviews, It said the battery was bad (only lasting for about 3-4 hours when not gaming).
I felt bad because it was so much money, and I would only use it for taking notes, writing essays, watching videos, and doing other school stuff. I told her about all this and said that I appreciate it, but I would rather her return it and get a much cheaper but better laptop for what I am going to use it for than what she got.
She got pretty sad/mad and said she was just trying to get the best laptop for me and would return it and get whatever I want. She called me ungrateful quite a lot, but I just didn’t want her to spend that much money on that kind of laptop.
Anyway, I feel pretty horrible right now, and don’t know if I made the right decision.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if you explained your reasoning.
Coming from someone in IT who personally builds his workstations and custom orders his laptops, I completely understand where you are coming from.
A gaming laptop has no place in college, in my opinion. It’s heavy, the battery is used up in less than an hour, and for all that beef you gain no advantage in your school work (unless it’s the design/maybe comp sci). You also seem to have extremely realistic ideas about what you need for a school laptop.
That being said your mom, like all loving parents that know little about technology, obviously went above and beyond to support you. How you cross this bridge in my opinion is completely based on your and your mother’s relationship. Does she want to know more about what you need?
Or does she want to just forget about this whole thing?
Personally, in your case, I wouldn’t feel bad about it. You are trying to save your mom’s money while getting a better tool for your school work. If you truly explained it all to her like you did to us, she should not be calling you ungrateful.
If my son said ‘Dad thanks for getting me the Switch, but I really only need the Switch Lite’, I’d fall over backward.
You seem like a great person who has a good head on their shoulders. This will hopefully all blow over and it will be a distant memory well before you walk across that stage.
Good luck!” Independent_Top_8210
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ.
Your instinct to not want people to lavish you with unnecessarily expensive gifts is good, but the laptop is perfectly functional for what you need it for and your mom tried to go above and beyond to get you a gift you’d like.
Further, as you described it, you’re clearly looking for reasons to dislike the gift (a battery life of 3-4 hours is perfectly fine for note-taking in classes), which will make you seem ungrateful even if you genuinely do think the gift went overboard.” Milskidasith
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, because it doesn’t fit your needs and you were upfront about it.
That said, don’t get one that’s under $500. The odds of it making through 4 years of college are slim. The sweet spot there is more like 7-800. Even if the specs look good, almost everything under 500 is a checklist build rather than actually good value.
Talk to her, and explain your reasoning. Tell her you’re extremely grateful for her being willing to spend so much, but you’d rather find a machine that would work well for what you need, rather than just being more costly.” tinysydneh
5. AITJ For Going On A Vacation While My Partner Is In School?
“I (M43) have a partner (33) who decided to go back to school in 2019. We have been together for five years and we are planning a future together.
Well, she is kind of driven when it comes to school. I basically do not exist. We don’t have time for dates, meals together, not even to sit and watch a show.
Her first year sucked and then the global crisis hit. She was stuck doing school from her home office.
We barely saw each other.
Summer is great. That is when we get to see each other. And her winter break. But when she is in school she is monomaniacal. This year she is back in the classroom for her classes. We have had time for one meal since September.
So I decided to go see some friends of mine in New Zealand. I have been gone for a few weeks and I will be home before the day of her last test. So 27 days overall.
She sent me a scathing email today saying that she feels like I abandoned her.
We hadn’t had a conversation for four days when I decided to take a vacation. I pointed that out and she said she was busy with school. So I asked what she thinks she missed by me not being there.
She had no answer. She is usually studying until after I go to bed. And she is gone by the time I wake up.
She is mad at me for leaving for a month even though we would not have really spent any time together for the entire month.
She lives with me. I am not asking her for anything while she is in school. In fact, I am paying for her college.
We get our groceries delivered, and she does her own laundry. I am superfluous at the moment.
We will be spending the Christmas holidays together and then I will be off to work and she will be in school again.
She is calling me a jerk for leaving her.
But I literally would not have gotten any of her time if I were home.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but it does come across as she’s using you. She clearly doesn’t prioritize spending time with you (even if she’s insanely busy taking 20 minutes to have a quick meal is not impossible).
The fact that she couldn’t give you a single reason as to why you would be missed/what you are missing speaks to a bigger problem. You are paying for her entire life. It seems like she wants to keep you under control and close so you don’t realize what your relationship is actually like.
No ill intend but it very much seems like she’s just using you for money. Best of luck OP.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You don’t even talk when you are living in the same house and you don’t even see her.
What is she studying that requires so much time?
Even with medicine, people make time to catch up with friends and family and even have meals together.
If she’s so focussed on only school at the moment… what do you think is going to happen when she gets work. The pattern will likely be repeated.
Is this how you want to live? You may have some serious thinking to do as to whether you actually have a partner or whether you just live with someone who you right now are paying everything for and getting nothing back.” KitchenDismal9258
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Also, it’s incredibly abnormal for school to take that much time. What is she studying? Either she really isn’t cut out for college, or she’s avoiding you, or she has some kind of obsessive issue.
Either way, it sounds like she’s using you big time.
Even if it’s unintentional, she’d treated you poorly and showed no gratitude for the massive favors you’re doing her. You’re basically her ATM at the moment.
The only slight jerk thing on your part might be that it doesn’t seem like you communicated your plans to her very well ahead of time if she had to send you an email.
Doesn’t sound like she gave you a lot of chances though.” Solid-Technology-448
4. AITJ For Not Letting My Mom Invite 100 More People To My Wedding?
“So I’m getting married in April 2023. We are about to send out invitations and I asked my mom for a list of family and a few friends she would like to invite.
My fiancé and I already have a list of 135 people and said we only wanted an immediate family (grandparents, aunts/uncles, and 1st cousins). Our immediate families are included in our list.
My mom comes back with an additional 61 family members to invite and 80 (!!) of her friends.
Our venue max is 200 people, but we wanted to keep it under 150 for both budgets and only want people we both know.
I told her we will not be inviting all of those people, and that she has 20 additional spots. She and my dad threw a huge fit & told me if I was going to be like this, I should just get married in Vegas without anyone there.
Then they tried to guilt trip me saying I would hurt these family members’ feelings and can never repair the relationship… I’ve talked to my extended family maybe 3 times in my life. There is no relationship.
So, AITJ for putting my foot down and not letting my mom invite an extra 120 people to my wedding?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
First off, you and your fiance should only invite the people you want to invite. Full stop. Then there’s the logistics of ‘where would these people even fit?’ (Narrator: They won’t.) Then there’s the matter of the budget, which would increase by a very hefty amount.
There’s just no rationale here.
And so what if some extended family member’s feelings are hurt and you can ‘never repair’ a relationship that doesn’t even exist?
Stick to the 20 guests limit and tell your parents that if they want to party at a wedding with 120 people, they are welcome to renew their vows.” NomNom83WasTaken
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is your wedding and you and your fiancé have the right to decide who to invite and how many people to invite. It is not unreasonable to want to keep the guest list to immediate family and close friends, and to limit the number of guests within the constraints of your budget and venue.
While your mother may be disappointed that she cannot invite as many people as she would like, it is important to communicate your wishes and boundaries clearly and respectfully. It is not okay for them to try to guilt trip you or make threats in response to your decisions.” Silent-Shark
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But a frequent problem. You see these other people from the perspective of your relationship with them. She sees these people based on her relationship with them. You would be surprised what a parent might hear from their friends when their kids get married. But those things pass.
Of course, your party and your guest list. And you simply can’t add that many guests without changing venues. And, assuming mom and dad aren’t paying, there is the budget. And then there is equity with the other set of parents.” tropicaldiver
3. AITJ For Not Wanting To Share Our Family Ritual With My Stepsiblings?
“Since I was 4 years old my dad and I have this ritual where we go for a drive past the beach and end up going for pizza and milkshakes after and in the car we just talk and over pizza and milkshakes, we will plan if we have something coming up (we’ve planned gifts, where we’d go for Christmas, what movie we’d see, etc) and it’s something we have been doing for so long now.
It continued after my parents’ divorce when I was 7 and still happens today. My mom is fine with me getting back to her late because she knows how much this means to me.
Last year my dad remarried and his wife brought two daughters into the marriage who are 5 and 4 years old now.
A couple of weeks ago dad asked me if I would be okay with them joining us for the Friday ritual. I told him that I’d rather we keep it for just us, as father and son, and not have anyone else join in. He told me he understood but looked a little weird about it.
I asked him if he was bothered by my not being okay with it. He told me he was okay, he had just hoped I might like to, but no was my answer and we would continue as normal.
The day after dad asked me about it his wife wanted to know why I’d said no. She told me she’d asked dad to bring the girls and he said he would need to talk to me first, but then suddenly said he’d decided it should be kept between me and him.
She said she knew I was the one who said no and wanted to know the reason. I told her because it was my time with my dad and something we’d been doing for 12 years. She told me he’s not just my dad anymore and I should want to include my sisters.
I told her I didn’t and that she needed to not involve me in it.
The girls got upset when we did it last week then and their mom told me it was my fault and they had really felt left out and I should be ashamed for saying no to them joining.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s your special time with your Dad. He asked and you said no. He respected your wishes.
Your new step Mom did not. You need to talk to your Dad and let him know what she has been saying and doing to you.
I’m guessing she’s saying these things to you when your Dad isn’t around? That’s not okay and he needs to be made aware of that.
Also, he can pick another day and time to do an outing with his stepdaughters. There is nothing wrong with them spending time with each other.
Just like I’m sure at some point the three of you kids will have some activity or thing you guys do too. You can build new memories and activities and traditions without impeding and trampling on yours.” Help24-7
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, the stepparents in these stories always amaze me.
First, this is a vital time for a dad and son. It’s amazing that you two spend that kind of time together. Cherish it, it will at some point come to an end and those memories will be priceless. Secondly, they are young and cannot understand why this is important.
They are upset because they are getting told no and most probably because the stepmom has manipulated them into being emotional about it. She could have been chill and the kids wouldn’t have cared. Also kudos to your dad for standing firm and keeping your time private.” ajarre1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Even among non-blended families, good parents make an effort to spend one-on-one time with each of their children individually. Your stepmother shouldn’t just expect to be able to insert your stepsisters into a ritual you & your father have exclusively shared for most of your life; that’s completely unrealistic.
Since you do have these extra siblings now that you didn’t have before, though, it would be generous of you to let them accompany you both on occasion, maybe one week in three or every other week. It obviously means something to your dad that you accept your stepsisters, & given the age difference between you, it won’t be long before you go out on your own as an adult anyway.” Far_Anteater_256
2. AITJ For Telling My Sister To Go To Our Parents If She Wants Attention?
“My sister (19f) and I (22f) are not very close. I don’t remember a time when she wasn’t the sole focus of our parents’ attention. She was diagnosed with a lung problem when she was born and when she was 3 she developed a rare form of cancer.
This meant our parents focused a lot on curing it and they expected me to be on hand to entertain her, to keep her mind off of cancer, and to make sure she felt loved. There were times my parents scolded me for watching TV while she was sick because how could I take my focus off of her?
She would try to get the attention of everyone after a while. We were left out of a couple of family weddings when we were kids because the bride and groom didn’t want her and my parents to make her the center of attention on the day.
They already did that to my mom’s sister.
On her wedding day, my sister puked that morning and my parents decided to tell the whole family beforehand because we’d be late. Then they showed up at the church and mom went to the front with my sister and announced to everyone that my sister was okay.
My aunt was so mad at her for that. She then had my sister go up to them when they were exchanging vows and give them both a kiss. My aunt actually stopped talking to my mom after that event.
My sister is used to telling everyone she knows she had cancer, that she’s got bad lungs still and she’s probably going to need more surgeries in the future (because her liver or kidneys were harmed by her cancer treatments).
I admit to resenting the attention she gets. When I was 17 she asked me why I never pay the same kind of attention that our parents do and I told her that she’s not the only kid I know who survived cancer and because in the real world, people aren’t taking their focus off everything to focus on her or any other cancer survivor.
I told her it was rude to bring it up when someone else was celebrating or focusing on something. She asked me how it could be rude when people never tell her to stop. I told her people told mom and dad to stop, but they just didn’t listen and because she was a kid they wouldn’t say it directly to her.
I kind of walked away from my family after I moved out. My sister reached out to me recently though and wanted us to catch up. I was open to it but once she got here she started telling everyone about her cancer, she asked me to take days off work to spend with her because of cancer and boredom.
My partner was over and she pestered her for hours while I was at work and then called to complain to me that my partner wouldn’t entertain her. When I got home that night I told her if she wants to be the center of attention that she needs to go to our parents, because she won’t get that anywhere else.
She told me I was mean and I just resented her and it wasn’t fair.
AITJ for what I said?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You just told her the truth, and it sounds like you said it in a way that was direct and to the point without being mean.
From her point of view, I expect she does think it isn’t fair, probably from many perspectives.
She is hurt that you don’t want her around and how dare you to tell her that because mommy and daddy always told you to do whatever to keep her happy.
So she has expectations from the past. Time to make it very clear to her that her expectations are out of date and that as grownups you all can choose how to live your life now and you chose not to be told what to do by your parents.
That past behavior isn’t a predictor of the future and when you were beholden to your parents you did what they asked and that entertained her and now you are not and you don’t have to do that and therefore you are choosing not to cater to her needs.
It isn’t about fair and not fair, it is about making a choice and she can make a choice to rely on herself and not others, to choose to learn how to be an adult or remain as a child dependent on others. Just like you did.” Realistic-Airport775
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You feel bad because you were raised to feel bad if your sister was unhappy. It’s not going to be easy to release yourself from that upbringing. You are not in charge of how your sister feels. You don’t have to be supportive of her emotionally crippled self, but I am afraid you are going to feel enormous guilt about your decision.
Find a way to fully explore how you feel about your sister and your parents. No one is perfect, but the way your parents dealt with their fear of losing a child was to her and your detriment.” feminist1946
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – neither you nor your sister.
What you said to your sister, from the looks of it, seemed calm and concise. Your sister also didn’t overreact which was good, and I can see why she sees the comment as mean.
The problem is your parents, raising your sister in that way to be gaining attention because of her cancer.
You should try and connect with your sister more, teach her how to properly be with people, and not make cancer the center point of her life, like what her parents did to her.
Cancer is alright to talk about, but there’s a time and a place like you mentioned, and your parents’ actions removed that filter from your sister.” BltzGaming98
1. AITJ For Bringing A Homeless Man To My Workplace?
“At my place of work, we get free lunch.
We’re allowed to bring two guests in once a week (or max four times a month). There’s a homeless man who begs outside our workplace and I usually see him every morning and get him a coffee/breakfast and we have a cig and a chat before I start my working day.
This has been going on for over 6 months.
Since I don’t really have friends/family that are local, I asked if he’d like to come in and have lunch with me once a week. He took me up on my offer and for the past three months, he’s been coming into the office as my guest ONCE a week.
Last week on Thursday morning, he was waiting for me outside my office with two coffees and he told me that he’s secured housing and a job! Naturally, I was elated for him and invited him for lunch that day (making it twice in one week for the first time).
Yesterday, I got pulled by my manager and another senior manager who said that people had complained about me bringing a homeless man into the workplace. Some people bring their kids into the office for lunch (there’s a nursery nearby) and said I was posing a hazard by bringing an obvious addict into that environment and that it was incredibly unprofessional.
To clarify, my manager has had lunch with me and Rob a couple of times and really likes him, but she had to relay the message, especially because some people who raised it were very senior. I checked company policy and it didn’t say anything about who I could bring & I definitely stayed within the monthly limits.
The senior manager said that I was abusing the privilege and also making people uncomfortable as they have to sit in the canteen and eat with someone who smells really bad and could potentially be volatile due to obvious substance use and that making it two days in a row was what tipped a lot of people over the edge.
Initially, I thought I was in the right because I checked the policy, but after being told that I didn’t consider the feelings and safety of colleagues I’m feeling unsure. I know Rob wouldn’t hurt anyone, but the point was raised that I’ve known him less than a year and I’m giving him access to a workplace where there are also young children and “could I 100% guarantee everyone’s safety?”
I didn’t really have a counterpoint at that moment except one that sounded really juvenile and childish so now I’m wondering if I’m the jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“You can’t completely guarantee everyone’s safety in ANY situation. People are uncomfortable around homeless individuals and treat them inhumanely because of unreasonable prejudices.
Unless they can point out specific instances where Rob acted in a poor or dangerous manner, then they have no right to demand that he not come in for lunch.
Are they going to demand that everyone prove that they’ve known their guests for over a year in order to allow them entry?
Are they going to demand background checks and mental health tests of everyone prior to entry?
You did a wonderful thing by treating Rob with compassion and respect and that should be celebrated and emulated… not chastised because others don’t want to address their own prejudices.
NTJ” Key-Bit1208
Another User Comments:
“I think you’re a kind-hearted person whose intentions were good, but you goofed up here. You know that ‘guest’ means family and friends, not the homeless guy you share smokes with. This is your workplace, not a church potluck or soup kitchen, and you need to be aware of how your coworkers and the higher-ups are viewing your actions.
Lots of addicts claim to be sober, and you have no idea if he really is or not. Lots of homeless men and women have untreated mental illnesses severe enough to put them on the streets, so the danger factor is different than your angry mom.
He’s also not very clean and has a body odor at the very least. If he were begging outside your apartment/home, would you invite him in once a week for dinner? Soft YTJ.” columbospeugeot
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re not breaking company policy.
They either need to amend it to say ‘no homeless people,’ which is weird, or they need to cancel the policy all together. Or everyone could just mind their business. Besides, he’s not homeless anymore. Stick to your guns. You sound like a great person.
Don’t give up your friendship with Rob for people who aren’t actually your friends, or you’ll hate yourself. Keep your head up, square your shoulders, and calmly state he is the guest you have chosen to eat lunch with and you will continue to do so.
Besides, people are bringing their kids who are probably annoying. You work with a bunch of jerks.” MarialeegRVT
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your friend already came by once already that week per the rules provided by the company. You guys could’ve gone out for lunch but I feel like you were just thinking about yourself, how you and your friend could get free food off of the company’s dime, and no regard for how your coworkers would feel about bringing in a homeless person in the place of business.
I think your heart is in the right place, but you just need to be more considerate of the people you work with. The company is being nice by extending the courtesy to guests of employees, but I feel like situations like this is what makes companies put in place further restrictions.” Grumpy_Duck52
