People Sob Over These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
23. AITJ For Defending My Polyamorous Relationship Against A Coworker?
“So I, (26M) have a loving relationship with 2 other men Lipith and Ianiker (I don’t know, I can’t think of any names), aka a ‘throuple’ or a triad, whatever you want to call it. I’m not here for judgment on that, my relationship is not the business of strangers to judge me for.
I love them both too much for words. I have this one coworker Stella (31F). I dislike Stella for a multitude of reasons, she’s annoying, she makes weird comments about everyone, and most of all, she was unfaithful to her husband. I detest infidelity, I think it’s the worst thing you can do in a relationship, and I don’t quite know how they stayed together after that, but then again, none of my business, she’s just a coworker.
Today I was talking to one of the coworkers I like about getting Lipith a present for his birthday. I was asking whether he thought it was better for me and Ianiker to get him separate presents or get him one big one, cause I thought he might like a motorbike.
Now my nice coworker was giving me suggestions when Stella decided to butt in and start asking why on earth I was in a relationship with 2 people. Now, I held my tongue about how she’d done that but in an unfaithful way and told her that it was because we all loved each other.
She started berating me and telling me how gross and wrong it was that I was ‘giving in to my lust’ (who even says ‘lust’ these days, jfc) Then I politely told her to ‘shut the heck up’ (okay not so polite but still) and how I wasn’t the lustful one, since she couldn’t even handle staying loyal to one guy.
And I wasn’t taking judgment from someone unfaithful. She went red and told me that was none of my business that she and he husband had gotten over that and that she would report me to HR if I made another comment like that.
I moved on and continued asking my nice coworker for advice but he told me I was a bit aggressive there and didn’t need to go for the throat.
I don’t feel bad since she started it but I get that I did kinda purposefully throw it in her face just to hurt her, which kinda jerkish.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I agree that polygamy is by far morally superior to infidelity, like, the point is love, LOYALTY, and commitment.
Where does she get off saying you guys are gross when she can’t even maintain a healthy relationship with ONE person, like….? Honestly, though that’s beside the point. It’s rude to butt into conversations, but PARTICULARLY to do so just to insult someone’s life.
She has no business doing that if she’s going to get offended when someone insults her back. Very childish. (I do think the smartest thing is to just avoid talking about your personal life at work, though. Take it from a queer teacher, it is a bit annoying and listen to everyone go on and on about their personal lives and keep yourself super censored, but a lot of people get irritable about other people’s business, and you never know if HR has people like that on the team.
Best not to even risk it, depending on the situation. I’m in the Deep South though, so that colors my perspective.)” No-Zone-2867
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I find it funny that someone unfaithful thinks they can advise on someone else relationship. Even if she didn’t have an affair she still doesn’t have the right to advise on your relationship when you didn’t even ask her.
She was extremely rude putting herself into your conversation. What you said to her wasn’t wrong because if she didn’t want you to comment on her relationship then she shouldn’t have commented on yours. You should go to HR first so they can know what happened and not her version of events.” CherryApple_Amazing
22. AITJ For Not Wanting To Take My Younger Sister To A Convention With My Friends?
“I (18 f) was recently invited to my town’s annual convention (similar to Comicon) by a handful of cosplayer friends. I don’t typically do that kind of stuff, but I figured it would be fun.
Well, when I ran the idea by my mom she immediately responded with “Sounds like fun! You’ll be taking your sister, right?” My sister (14 f) and I aren’t distant. We share a room and are generally pretty tight. But it was an impossible situation. See, even though I enjoy her company, Dragging her along would be awkward for all parties involved. My friends are seniors in high school (some are even freshmen in college!), and while they wouldn’t be unkind to her, I’m not sure how well they would mesh with this random, 14-year-old girl.
And vice versa-my sister is VERY socially awkward, and I genuinely don’t think she would enjoy herself because she’d spend the entire convention loitering in the back silently panicking.
EVEN FURTHER STILL I am friends with a large and diverse pool of people, and I am very…weary…of mixing friend groups.
Case in point, I did not have an 18th birthday party because I feared the potential repercussions of gathering all of my friends into a room (Irrational? Maybe, but I was nervous that they wouldn’t get along). This is all to say: the reason I was apprehensive about agreeing to take my sister along was NOT because I was embarrassed by her.
But my mom seemed to interpret my silence this way, and started to go off on me IN FRONT OF MY SISTER about how selfish I was, how “some siblings didn’t hate each other,” and how I was only ever looking out for “number one” (denoting myself).
I tried to de-escalate the situation by reassuring my sister that no, I didn’t “hate her” and proposing that maybe we could go together separately (the convention is multiple days long), but my sister was already in tears. I’m not sure how to navigate this.
If I decide to go with my friends, my mom will guilt-trip me for weeks; if I take my sister, no one will have a good time; and if I take my sister separately, she’ll think it’s because I’m embarrassed to be seen with her.
I have never resorted to using this subreddit before, but I am at a complete and total loss: AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ It sounds like you have an emotionally abusive and manipulative mom. You got invited to something by somebody else. you can’t just invite someone else along.
Why is your mom just assuming the worst from you when you didn’t say anything? SHE’S THE JERK talk to your sister separately from your mom. I have a feeling she wouldn’t even want to go.” MaskedMaidenxx
Another User Comments:
“OP, NTJ. I do think you should sit down with your sister, privately(without mom within earshot) and ask her if this is something she’d like to do.
Take it from there. Realize that you DO NOT have to take your sister to everything you do and that there is a big enough age gap between you two at this point in your lives that she isn’t old enough for all of it.
Help your sister to understand that too! I do think now that you are 18, it’s time to STOP telling your mom about certain things if you don’t want her to change the dynamics/itinerary of it to include your sister. I also think you have to understand that what your mom is doing is NOT a good thing.
YOU stated your mom will guilt trip you for WEEKS. This is not healthy. And she automatically jumped to the accusation that you hated your sister, IF FRONT OF YOUR SISTER. That is manipulative on so many levels.” LettheWorldBurn1776
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You were invited, which means you weren’t hosting this get-together.
Tell your mother it’s extremely rude to invite others without checking with the host first. Your mom is a manipulative person. You may love her, but she’s wrong. You are also allowed to have a life separate from your sister. This is especially true now that you’re an adult.” LadyLightTravel
21. AITJ For Not Wanting To Continue Caring For My Ex's Son, Who Isn't Mine?
“5 years ago my ex and I split up. She has a son from a previous relationship, and he was roughly 9 months old when we met. We were together for quite some time and had a daughter, she was unfaithful and we split. We decided custody out of court at the time would be one week with me, and one week with her.
However, she told me I couldn’t have my daughter if I didn’t also take her son and raise him (bio dad isn’t in the picture). Like a fool, I agreed out of fear of her taking my daughter away, as women are automatically custodial parents where I live.
So I raise him for the most part, never really bonding as father and son. Fast forward a couple of years, she gets married, and her husband adopts her son. She continues to expect me to care for him with my daughter. Recently she tried to take my daughter from me, and I had enough.
I called an attorney and got everything ready to fight for set custody that can’t be taken on a whim. I can tell her son doesn’t want to be here, I’ve asked her several times to sit him down and ask what it is that he wants, but she tells me I should be fighting for him, that I’m less of a man for even asking her that.
I just can’t do it anymore. I’ve spent so much time and money on a child who isn’t mine and who has zero bond with me. After all this custody stuff dies down I’m completely done with him. I feel as though I shouldn’t have done it from the beginning, especially after her husband adopted him.
I feel like that should have been his responsibility from that point on. She’s constantly worried about messing him up mentally but refuses to look at the situation and see that it’s not healthy, and tries to blame me for everything that goes wrong.
I just want my daughter so I can put all of my effort into her and raise her to be the best person I possibly can be. This whole situation has been a mentally exhausting rollercoaster for me for the last several years. Am I in the wrong for not wanting to continue caring for her son?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, especially if he’s making it clear that he doesn’t want to spend time with you. I feel sorry for your ex’s son. His bio dad ditches him, your ex shoves you into the role for several years, and now guy #3 is a legal dad so yes raising that child is his responsibility, not yours.
If your ex won’t listen to reason perhaps her husband will when you suggest family therapy for them. Concerning your daughter, court orders protect everyone and if you’ve got a years-long history of 50-50 custody/visitation then push for that in court.” Fantastic_Lady225
Another User Comments:
“Your ex blackmailed you pretty good there. I wish you had consulted your divorce attorney back then because I bet they’d have told you that her trying to blackmail you would put a serious dent in the judge’s view of her fitness for custody.
Do you have proof of any of this- like text messages or emails where she talks about blackmailing you? Not too late to put that info in front of the judge, but consult your atty first. All that being said though, I feel pretty sorry for her son.
His mother doesn’t want him or she wouldn’t keep trying to foist him onto you. That sucks for him big time. I hope her new husband treats him well. But *you* don’t have feelings for the boy- that’s too bad for him.
But if you don’t, you don’t. I want to say ESH just because of the lack of feeling from both of you for him.” Global_Look2821
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I feel for the kid and you. You both were put in a position where you both didn’t want to be. You are not responsible for someone else’s kid but your own.
If the boy didn’t want to be with you, he also has that right. If the mother isn’t taking responsibility then CPS needs to be involved. She’s not mother material she’s a woman who never wanted to grow up. ” Fried_Rice101
20. AITJ For Asking My Friend To Take Me Home After She Invited My High School Bully To Our Trip?
“I (17f) got invited out by my friend (19f) to go to a lake just north of the town we live in.
I hadn’t seen her in a while or went out at all really in a while so I figured it would be a super fun day trip I could enjoy with one of my closest friends.
Everything was okay leading up to the day of, we talked a lot about what we were going to do there, what we were going to eat, etc. Never did she mention another person attending.
She had plenty of time to tell me in case she did invite anyone else. (We planned this almost two weeks in advance)
The day finally came and I was so excited to go, she was the one picking me up as she did offer.
To get to the lake, one must go up the same route for about an hour. However, about 10 minutes after the drive started she made a wrong turn, I pointed this out to her because I knew she knew how to get there (we had gone together before) She told me she knew and we were just going to pick up her other friend.
I got a little irritated since I wasn’t previously aware of this but I rubbed it off for the time being. As we arrived at the friend’s house I realized who it was. This guy (20m) continuously bullied me when I was a freshman and he was a junior in high school.
He was also just rude and he isn’t my favorite person. My friend knew this too because I had told her why I didn’t like him.
I reminded her of this when we got there and she just brushed it off and acted as if I never told her anything about him.
This was super annoying to me because I know I did it multiple times. I told her I wasn’t going to go to the beach with him and asked her if she could take me home. She said it wouldn’t be that hard to spend a couple of hours with him and that I could still enjoy myself.
I persisted till she finally took me home, I haven’t heard from her since, I’m thinking of apologizing but I don’t know if I’m in the wrong. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and don’t apologize. She knew what she was doing and how that would make you feel.
Idk what game she was playing (it sounds like she may have been seeing the guy and wanted you to be cool with him but I could be keeping it a little too much) but it was the wrong game to play. Don’t message her with an apology and if she doesn’t message you, it was never meant to be.
Cut your losses and live your life” Ruthless_Reese
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if she wants to be friends with him that’s on her but after you told her about the bullying she should at least know not to invite him when you’re there it’s just respectful.
She either didn’t listen when you told her or just ignored it (she sounds like a not-so-great friend) I wouldn’t have been too upset if she hadn’t spoken to me. Not telling you was a jerk move and she knows it and she knew you wouldn’t be happy or she’d have just told you?
Get new friends, she sounds awful and selfish. What real friend invites someone she knows to bully her other friends?” CryptographerHot8184
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are not in the wrong. What an odd thing to spring on someone. Was she trying to force some sort of reconciliation?
That is not her call – nor his. I’m glad she took you home. What did she think was going to go down, trapping you an hour away from your home with a bully? You didn’t sign up for that. You were allowed to say no to that change of plans.
Never question your right to say no when you feel uncomfortable. Also, off-topic, but I think the expression you’re looking for is “brush it off”, not “rub”.” informantxgirl
19. AITJ For Cancelling On Trip Plans Due To Excessive Walking?
“To give context my friend knows a local here who planned a whole itinerary for us to see the sites.
My friend had warned the group that there’d be a lot of walking but we..didn’t expect just how much! I wouldn’t say I’m unhealthy, my partner and I go to the gym regularly and I love a good walk especially if there’s a view.
But my friend’s friend has been adamant about walking to every site instead of taking the metro and we ended up walking 20k steps on the first day and 30k the next, something we’re not used to. The trip was very fast-paced and a lot of us started to lag while my friend and her friend chatting it up way ahead of us.
Half of our group was tired and irritated from the first day and decided to do their own thing on the second. My partner and I decided to stay and see more sites with the main group. It was nice at first but we didn’t get to look around at our leisure because our friend’s friend was adamant we keep going ahead so we could see everything.
I tried buying numbing spray for my feet to keep on going but it didn’t help much. We tried asking for a break but they kept saying that we were close to our destination and couldn’t stop now. I told her later that day I wasn’t used to so much walking and she had said that her average steps were at least 30k so this was just an average day for her and that was that.
Now it’s today. I ended up having a mild limp from how sore my feet and calves were and I was extremely fatigued at the beginning of the day. I ended up canceling the plans my friend and her friend wanted to do so I could chill at my own pace and rest. Even later today I decided not to go to the game that my partner and I were invited to because I ended up sleeping in early instead.
My friend seems disappointed that we didn’t tag along today and I’m worried that I may have offended her friend who planned out the days we stayed in Paris. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, while cities like that may be walkable, it is not necessary that you should be walked 30K every day you are there.
It’s why there are taxis, subways, and trains in the first place. Your friend’s friend is the jerk especially your friend who wasn’t considerate that while yes, she can walk 30k and call that normal, it’s not necessarily normal for the others. Unless your entire friend group consists of folks who can proudly say 30-50k steps a day is what they do on a normal basis, then you may be the one that stands out the most. Honestly, you should’ve said that you’ll meet them at the next spot while you grab a taxi.
Why should you suffer and your partner suffer walking? It’s not a marathon, you guys are traveling to see the sights, and walking on the road and being rushed to go from one place to the other doesn’t make sightseeing enjoyable, at all.” ChilledGamer04
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – listen to your body. Cities like that have public transportation for a reason. Sort of unreasonable for them to expect everyone else to walk the entirety of the trip simply cause that’s their preference. When you plan a trip you’re supposed to do it with everyone in mind.
Doesn’t sound like your planner or friend did that. And the fact that most of the group seems to have bailed is super telling of how crazy the walking is.” louisianacat1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s unreasonable to expect every person in a group of people to have the same physical capabilities.
So two of them could walk 30k steps every day with the problem — awesome for them — but most of you couldn’t and/or didn’t want to. To the degree that some dropped out of the guided tour by the second day and you by the third.
If that didn’t clue your friend and her friend (the local) into realizing they’d need to rethink their approach/plan if they wanted you to join, I don’t know what would. And for her to then be upset at you? How *dare* you not be able to walk 30k steps a day for multiple consecutive days?
Also, that may not be the kind of trip everyone wants to have.” fallingintopolkadots
18. AITJ For Skipping My Sister's Wedding Due To Prior Commitments?
“Sister and fiancé (both early 40s) are getting married after many years of being together, first marriage for both, but they’ve been casual about this from the get-go. They decided to get married randomly after a conversation with friends prompted it, no proposal, wanted a courthouse ceremony, and just a party with their friends.
Our family has blown this up a bit. It seems to be moving now more towards a backyard wedding with friends and family.
Several months ago while they were discussing dates, my sister asked me what my availability was because I’m the only family that lives far away and I have 3 young kids, so I’m the most difficult to pin down.
We talked through my schedule and I gave her dates that were kind of like “no”, “maybe”, and “yes”. She said she was planning on those “yes” timeframes anyway so, awesome, this will be great.
Save the dates go out via email a few weeks later, and she set a date that was on my “maybe” weekends.
I called and asked what was up, she said she and finance also kicked dates around with friends, and this was the one that seemed to work for them so… they decided to do that. The “maybe” reason for me was related to other travel I had already scheduled. Trying to get back to my hometown with my whole family is no longer an option, now it becomes only some of us go, and not others, or we fly out on different days… it’s a mess to navigate.
She says “Hey it’s okay. I want you there, but I understand.” I talked to my spouse, and we decided it’s too much to navigate, too expensive to make it work, and we’re not going. My sister seems fine, she keeps downplaying mom & dad making a big deal out of this and says it’s not even a wedding… yada yada.
I’m feeling okay but my siblings and my parents are ripping me to shreds over this. They are piling on the heaviest guilt trips, accusing me of not caring about family and stuff like that. Like I should just cancel and eat the cost of other things I’ve already paid for (and can’t get refunded) and drop thousands of dollars to fly my family to this wedding that my sister scheduled to happen on a weekend when they knew I may not be able to attend.
So… AITJ for skipping this wedding?”
Another User Comments:
“When your sister went over dates with you you gave some “maybe” dates. That suggests you hadn’t finalized any plans or bought any tickets. You never informed her that a “maybe” date changed to a not date until after she sent out her save the date cards.
Even in your title you say she scheduled with on a date she knew you “might” not make it. According to the other comments I’m in the minority, but I think YTJ. You knew your sister was planning a wedding, which is a pretty important occasion.
You decided that making plans for a vacation to visit family took precedence over her hopefully once-in-a-lifetime wedding. Now you’re acting indignant because other family members are calling you out. In my opinion, YTJ.” lausim59
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It sounds like the weekend your sister chose hasn’t changed at all since you told her it was a maybe weekend for you.
You said it was a maybe but when she chose it you changed that maybe to a no. It sounds like the weekend should’ve been labeled a no. The only options you should’ve given were yes or no. She chose a date she thought she’d cleared with you and then you changed your mind.
The fact that the wedding isn’t a huge to-do doesn’t make it less important than anyone else’s wedding.” Weird-Jellyfish-5053
17. AITJ For Wanting To Uninvite My Infertile SIL From My Baby Shower?
“I (28F) am 29 weeks pregnant with fraternal twins (a boy and a girl).
I was lucky enough to get pregnant almost immediately after going off birth control. My SIL (38F), who I’ll call Jane, has fertility issues and has not been able to have a baby after more than a decade of trying and multiple rounds of IVF.
A few days ago, my family all came over to my house to hang out. I told them that I finished decorating my nursery and my mom, sister, and other SIL all wanted to see it so I took them in to see it. Jane looked unhappy when I mentioned the nursery and said she’d rather not see it.
She went out to the porch while we went inside. We stayed in the nursery for a while and eventually, Jane came in because it was too hot outside.
We were talking about babies (sister and other SIL both have young children) and Jane looked a bit uncomfortable with the conversation.
My sister said that I was really lucky to get pregnant with twins right after I started trying. After that, Jane started crying and left the room. We all went after her to talk to her and she said she felt awful having to constantly hear about our babies.
She went on a long rant about how she feels excluded because she’s the only one of us without a child now. She thinks our mom treats her like she’s less than my sister and other SIL because they have kids and now that I’m pregnant, we don’t talk about anything but kids.
She said it’s insensitive when we know that she’s infertile. She was like this for all of my sister and SIL’s pregnancy.
She insists on coming to all the gender reveal baby showers and birthday parties but spends all her time there wallowing in her misery and even starts crying sometimes.
I kind of want to uninvite her from my baby shower next week because I’m scared she’ll ruin the vibe. WIBTJ if I did that. I feel bad for her, but she can’t keep bringing negativity to all of our celebrations. I told my mom that I wanted to uninvite her and she said I shouldn’t because she’s family and we need to support her instead of excluding her even more.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but why not say to Jane you want to acknowledge how she might be feeling? That you want to invite her but wondered whether she’d prefer some 1 on 1 time before the baby comes. Perhaps a spa day or the theatre.
Something to tell her she’s important to you. When the baby comes it will be harder to give her that – you can let her know you wanted her to know she matters too before things have to change.” thisplaceispeanuts
Another User Comments:
“I’ve been in Jane’s situation (I’m now a mom to a 3-month-old baby boy).
God that was the hardest time in my entire life. It’s just a constant miserable sad desperate feeling longing for a baby that you are trying to have/can’t have. When I found out my SIL was pregnant I was happy for her but insanely sad.
INSANELY sad for myself. I almost don’t even like thinking about those times because I feel so bad for myself. I cried myself to sleep every night. It’s a helpless and hopeless feeling. There’s not much you can do other than try to talk about things other than babies.
Which is hard because you’re expecting! (Congrats!) sending you well wishes. I have no advice for you. I feel bad that you’re uninviting her. I wish she would make the choice herself to not attend” Oak3075
Another User Comments:
“YTJ if you exclude her- she said she feels excluded already.
And honestly, it is insensitive to always talk about babies in front of her- can’t you talk about literally anything else when it’s the three of you? As for the showers and such- she is torturing herself but I refer back to her saying she is feeling excluded. You sound upset that she exists.
Have some family events that don’t involve celebrating a pregnancy. And honestly: your mom or your brother should gently convince her not to go to the shower- for her mental health and your enjoyment.. But good luck with family relations if you uninvite her” Emergency_Radio_338
16. AITJ For Confronting My Friend About Re-Gifting A Used Product?
“At Christmas my friend and I exchanged gifts, one of those gifts I received was a body scrub. I didn’t think too much into it but at the time they said “I checked it’s vegan and cruelty-free” which is something I look for in beauty products so I thought “That’s thoughtful they made sure it was vegan and cruelty-free”
Fast forward to the present day, I’ve been using my other scrub before starting this one which is why I’ve not noticed this sooner. I went to use the scrub today and realized the product wasn’t full. About a quarter of the pot didn’t have product in it, I didn’t think too much of it as sometimes this happens but when I opened it there was no seal. Immediately I thought something was up, the brand usually has a seal over the pots when brand new.
I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt so tried a small amount on my leg. Immediately my legs started to itch and I had to lather the area in my hypoallergenic lotion to stop the itching. I have a few red marks from where the product made contact with my skin but thankfully it wasn’t on long enough to cause more serious damage.
I have sensitive skin and my friend knows this because I’ve lent them some products to help their skin and explained at length my issues in a bid to help them.
After the ordeal I took to the internet to research this product, what I found was the product I received on its own wasn’t available for individual sale, you can only get the smaller version in a gift set.
Then from called my mum (who just happened to have an unopened moisturizer from the same brand) and confirmed they were sealed down under the lid. So after putting all these pieces of information together, I’ve realized my friend gave me a used product from a gift set as part of my Christmas gift…
I’m horrified about this because they know I have sensitive skin and used products can cause so many issues! My mum said my friend was disgusting and I should tell my friend just how awful it is but I am more hurt they gave me something used.
So, WIBTJ for pulling my friend up about reusing gifts as presents?”
Another User Comments:
“You would not be the jerk. She’s tacky but…instead of calling her out, let her know you tried the product and it has been tampered with because you reacted to it.
After the fact, you noticed the seal was broken and some of it had been used. Thank her for the gift but tell her to be mindful to make sure anything she gifts people in the future hasn’t been tampered with because the same thing happened to the lotion she gave your mother.
And watch her squirm.” Peony-Pony
Another User Comments:
“My husband’s aunt is a re-gifter, and extremely well off. I remember one Christmas I got a beautiful beaded clutch that came with a few aspirin tucked in the inside pocket, from the last event she used it at.
I threw out the aspirin and still used the clutch. Over the years, my husband and I learned to just accept it as one of her (many) personality flaws (??…maybe quirks is the kinder way of putting it). They stopped giving us gifts once my husband’s grandmother died…which has decreased the amount of things we donate to Goodwill.
Don’t be rude. Just graciously accept the gift, inspect it for safety, and quietly discard it if it isn’t safe. Eventually, you can suggest that rather than exchanging gifts, you both select a charity to donate to.” ExpressionOnly2006
15. AITJ For Not Wanting To Sing At My Father's Funeral?
“My (25F) father (52M) told me yesterday that he wants my sister and I to sing for his funeral.
My sister and I used to go to singing lessons and perform at concerts when we were in school.
We used to sing with our mother all of the time. But quite frankly, since his stage 4 cancer diagnosis two years ago, I haven’t been singing much at all. I came home from work late at night and told my parents about my day then Dad told me that there was a song that he wanted my sister and me to learn for his funeral. Then asks if I knew any recording studios around (I have musician friends) Mum forwarded the song to me via text and prefaced it with “get tissues ready”
The song in question is “Dance with My Father” by Luthor Vandross. It’s a lovely song but I can’t stomach the thought of singing it for my father’s funeral. I am already barely coping with how sick he’s been lately and this is sending me over the edge.
I told Mum that I listened to the song and that I didn’t think I could sing it. I even commented that I’ve never seen him listen to Luthor Vandross in my life (he’s more a Dad rock kinda guy) but she just shrugged and said “Well he listened to the song and connected with it”.
Recording it instead of singing it live seems fine on paper. But I don’t want to put myself in that position of having to sing about my dead dad. Knowing myself, it’d be an emotionally draining experience to go through. I cry just thinking about it.
I cried listening to that song for the first time. Wrecked my mental health for the whole day.
I have no idea if my sister knows about this request. I’ve only spoken to my partner about how I feel about this. I don’t want to do it.
I’m already in a vulnerable and sensitive place with his chemotherapy not working, how sick he’s gotten in the last few months and now he’s talking about funerals. How can he so casually ask this of us? I don’t want my father to die, let alone sing about it.
I’m scared to tell him that I don’t want to do it, just sort of hoping Mum tells him what I told her.
WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I am so incredibly sorry for what you are going through. Many people don’t feel up to speaking at a funeral, much less singing.
You won’t be letting him down if you can’t do it. Put it aside. Tell your family you don’t want to discuss that now and are focusing on the present and time you have left. Don’t say you will do it- just say you want to put a pin in it because right now you don’t think you can.” Emergency_Radio_338
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through. I empathize with you in this situation. I lost my dad two years ago and my mother wanted me to give a speech at his memorial service, ten months after he passed. Like you, it was all I could do just to get through every day.
Choosing to sing/not sing at an emotional time is a personal choice. Not doing it doesn’t mean you love your dad any less, and it’s valid to look out for your emotional and mental well-being in this situation. I wish you and your family peace and strength through this journey.” AffectionateYoung300
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I don’t think you would be a jerk if you say no but I wonder if there is a compromise. Later on, you might regret not trying to fulfill his wish. Is there a meaningful song that you already know that you could sing instead?
I sang at my mom’s funeral. It wasn’t easy but I chose something simple and familiar so I was able to get through it okay. So maybe you could choose something easier to sing under emotion.” JennyGoldenrod
14. AITJ For Expecting Appreciation After Cleaning Our House Alone?
“My fiancee R (F25) has muscle fatigue in her legs, as well as ADHD. And I (F25) have jumper’s knee in both my knees, as well as autism and ADHD.
My love language is spoiling the heck out of my fiancee, it can get to a point where I push myself too hard just to show her I love her.
It was recently her birthday, I took her out shopping for the whole day, then we went to an escape room and dinner with our mutual friend (F25) we will call her A. Because of my autism I was socially drained, and because of my knees I was physically tired. R and I have been taking the past couple days to relax and recharge.
But 2 people with ADHD = a messy house. Our house has gotten pretty bad lately. Today R went out with MIL, who lives out of town. I was supposed to go with but I don’t like MIL’s partner. So I told R that I would clean the house instead of going with.
So I slowly cleaned and tidied up the house and folded laundry. When R got home, the first thing she said was ‘I was expecting the dishes to at least be done by the time I got home’ and just dropped her bags and food on the floor, AND she just left her shoes in the middle of the living room.
She didn’t comment on how ALL the laundry was cleaned and folded, or how I had vacuumed. Now we don’t live in a big place so when it starts to get messy it gets cluttered. I had also taken out the trash and recycling.
R is now asleep taking a nap before we go over to A’s place.
I feel like a slave just doing all this cleaning and then not getting any appreciation.
This also isn’t the first time that I’ve cleaned like heck and gotten no help or appreciation or anything but her lazing around. I asked her to help out more and I’ll admit I raised my voice at her and started to cry.
I was just frustrated.
Now I feel like rubbish for yelling at her. There’s more to this whole story but I just need help with today’s events. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But it’s not an equal relationship. My husband spoils me. I get all the snacks I want, whatever books I want, etc. I get massages, and he does chores and cooks.
HOWEVER. I spoil him. I pack him breakfast and lunch for work, I do most of the laundry and cooking, and I give him massages. Because he gives me the material things that I want, makes sure that we’re taken care of, and provides for me and our baby.
He makes sure that I’m happy and taken care of. And I make sure he’s happy and taken care of. If he’s tired, I take over all the household chores. If I’m tired, he takes over. Because we have a partnership.” Impressive-Owl5224
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You may be in the wrong for yelling, but it is unfair and frustrating to be the one doing most of the tasks and not even being appreciated. Your feelings are valid, just keep doing your best to communicate without raising your voice (I know it’s really hard sometimes).
You’re definitely not the jerk for wanting to share responsibilities more equally, nor for wanting acknowledgment for your efforts.” WhyAmIHere283
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but taking your fiancée out on her birthday isn’t “princess treatment.” It’s the expectation. You both need to figure out how to get your house clean.
Divide up chores. If you want to treat her like a “princess” and take on the majority of them, go ahead but you don’t get to expect anything in return. Most people just divide things equally, especially if they’re not physically or mentally capable of taking on more, which sounds is the case for both of you.” rghb792
13. AITJ For Not Inviting My Stepmom To The Movies With My Dad And Stepsister?
“This happened a few months ago and is done and over with, but I still think about it frequently because my stepmom and I never resolved it or saw eye to eye about this. I (19F) have had this woman (47F) in my life for about 3 years now.
My dad married her in October of 2022. My stepmom and I have always been super close and have always got along great. My dad is not the best father. He is completely there financially, but not emotionally. I would have to beg him to spend any time with me, and even when he did, he had no idea what to talk about with me.
We had a time where we were arguing a lot, and I was again, begging him to spend time with me. He came up with the idea of us going to the movies together that weekend. I asked my stepsister if she wanted to go also.
To be honest, I just asked her because I felt a little awkward spending time with my dad alone. After all, we never do. He never spends any time with my stepsister either, so I thought it would be nice to break any tension and have all of us be together.
When the time came to leave, I went into his room to ask if he was ready to go, and I saw my stepmom packing a blanket and drinks. I was confused and asked what she was doing. She said she was ready to go to the movies.
I felt pretty awkward and just said something under the lines of “I thought just me, stepsister, and my dad was going”. She got angry. My dad and I came up with the idea that we could all go, but my dad and I would sit elsewhere and they’d sit together.
She was not ok with this and didn’t talk to me for days. She said she was extremely hurt I didn’t invite her. I see why she could be upset, (because I invited my stepsister and not her), but she takes all my dad’s time.
They’re together constantly, and she knew about the ongoing fights my dad and I had about the lack of time spent together. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think she got the impression she was purposely excluded when that wasn’t your intent. Ask if you two can grab coffee and chat or go on a walk or something just you two.
Just explain that you hope you didn’t hurt her feelings you just wanted time with Dad and thought your step-sister might want time with him too. It also might be the perfect time to discuss how it saddens you that your dad doesn’t spend time with you or seem to show interest, it seems to upset your step-sister as well.
I hope you’re able to mend things as it sounds like you two have a good relationship aside from the misunderstanding. ” Over-green36
Another User Comments:
“I’m confused by this. You say you want to spend time with your dad, but yet you invite your stepsister and not your stepmom to go with you.
I know you said you didn’t want it to be awkward to be alone with your dad, but that line of logic still seems a little contradictory to me. I think you (whether intended or not) made your stepmom feel like you didn’t want to spend time with her.
And I can understand why that would make her upset. If anything, YTJ for letting her know that she wasn’t invited. It would have been much better to not say anything there and just have a family outing and plan something in the future for just you and Dad.” AuburnedYou
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. This was a major miscommunication between all parties. If you’re not comfortable with your dad alone, and everyone else in the house was invited, I can see why she thought she was too. But I don’t think you’re a jerk for wanting time with him without her.
I think you should apologize to her. While there are no jerks here, inviting everyone she is a bit of a jerk move if she doesn’t know why. If she’s a reasonable adult, she might appreciate that you wanted time for your father to focus on you and your stepsister there to make it less awkward.
But you shouldn’t assume she would know that inherently without discussion.” User
12. AITJ For Being Upset After My Friend Booked Her Own Hen Do After Asking Me To Plan It?
“I have been best friends with this person for 24 years, and last year she announced she was getting married. She hadn’t spoken much about the wedding and when all the bridesmaids met up, it seemed like one of them was already planning everything so I just assumed I was another bridesmaid which is fine.
Then I got a text saying “Oh you’re the maid of honor by the way” on a random day, I was a bit disappointed she didn’t ask and just assumed and didn’t make it seem special, but it’s her wedding and not mine.
Now what’s made me angry is the hen do, she wanted to spend 2 nights in central London with all her bridesmaids in a nice air bnb and everyone’s budget was £100 each for two nights… impossible right?
Anyway, I spent hours, days and months looking for something suitable, I even tried to convince them you won’t find somewhere suitable for that price but maybe more around the £150 mark… they still didn’t want to budge, so she called me up the other day and told me that’s still what she wanted to do but maybe we’ll try another city, so I was like okay I’ll try and find somewhere else that’s not a problem.
Well, I was still struggling as it was late in the year and her hen-do date was very specific so it was difficult, I posted a place in the group chat and said look I know it’s more expensive but it’s impossible to find something, what do you girls think?
SHE THEN basically starts gaslighting me and making me feel like this was my choice and she’s happy to do whatever… so I was like right okay, no one’s happy I’ll keep looking. I then wake up to a text in the morning saying “Hi girls I’ve booked a hotel for the hen do!” After she discussed it with another bridesmaid instead of the maid of honor who’s spent so much time trying to find her specifications?!
If she wanted me to find a hotel, I could’ve done this months ago instead of going on a wild goose chase trying to find something she asked for. We’re both grown adults in our late twenties, I have had an awful year so far and I haven’t had a lot of time for myself mentally, so it’s frustrated me regarding her sheer lack of awareness for anyone but herself.
I haven’t spoken to her since and she hasn’t spoken to me, but I’m so angry at the disrespect.
What do I do next? Just put it aside because it’s not about me, or say you shouldn’t treat someone like this.”
Another User Comments:
“ESH she sucks at communication.
But I’m not sure why it took you MONTHS…you hop on the Airbnb site, you see there’s nothing in the price range. You talk to the bride/bridesmaids about increasing the budget, finding a cheaper location, or getting a hotel. Should take a few days, maybe a couple weeks to get everyone on the same page, not MONTHS.
and, After months you still had nothing planned so the Bride took over. Just let her take it over. It doesn’t sound like you had booked any plans or anything (place to stay, restaurants, etc)” TravelingBride2024
Another User Comments:
“Did you ever think about the way she asked you that maybe you were not her first choice for MOH?
I have a feeling someone else may not have wanted to deal with her nonsense and backed out of that role. As for booking the hotel, she may have also been feeling desperate because nothing was booked so she grabbed a hotel just to have something.
If you think about it, you most likely would have been mad even if she reduced her requirements and had you book the hotel because either way, you had already put in the time trying to please her. I think you are more mad at yourself for putting in so much time for a lost cause.
Next time, don’t let things go that far. Stand up for yourself. It certainly isn’t worth being resentful of your friend or ruining a friendship. If you want to maintain the friendship let it go and move on but don’t let things in the future build up to that point.
NTJ” Helpful-Science-3937
11. AITJ For Wanting To Split Bills With My Partner Again?
“I (33f) and my partner (35m) have been together 3 years now. We are engaged and my daughter lives with us full time, he has 3 kids who live full time with his ex because he is a long-haul truck driver and the court won’t grant “me” custody since he isn’t at home all the time.
We are still fighting this because the kids are in a bad place and the 4-year-old is having to start therapy now after being kicked out of 2 daycares under mom’s care. All of the kids are under 6.
I was off work on disability when my partner and I met and when my disability payments were up my partner wanted me to stay home and be a SAHM so we could get custody of the kids.
When that didn’t happen I started to finish my degree that I was in progress with and have 1 year left on. We hit some financial trouble last September that I had enough to get us out of and then again around Christmas so I found a casual job working from home to get us by.
Well in March his ex took us back to court and managed to double his child support because she put the kids in a more expensive daycare and that made things even more difficult.
So he is changing companies to try to make more money and I’m still going to school full-time and working part-time.
2 weeks ago he turned around and told me I need to work at least 30 hours a week so we can pay bills and keep on top of things which I normally wouldn’t have a problem with but I took a condensed semester for school from May to June because he wanted me to be off for the summer with the kids.
He gripes at me that I don’t pay for anything and I spend money stupidly (I’ve spent $100 on Amazon in 2 months) but I’m also the one that buys all the groceries and the stuff the kids need without asking him for money.
Before my disability ended I covered all of the house utilities and internet and half of the rent, with my car payment, ins, and credit cards.
I feel like I’m being penalized because he has this crazy savings plan that relies on me working full-time while going to school and taking care of the house and kids on my own. So WIBTJ if I told him I wanted to go back to splitting the bills like we did before?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you need to separate your lives. You already can see you would get full custody of your daughter. He wants you to do all the childcare, all the household care, and work while he does nothing but work. Do you not see how lopsided that is?
And I guarantee if you got custody of his kids you would still have to work because all of your household expenses would go up. Stop wasting your time.” FunBodybuilder4620
Another User Comments:
“YTJ if you’re actively trying to take 3 kids away from their mother so they can live with someone who is not related to them and sounds like can’t afford them.
Outside of straight-up mistreatment, no judge is going to do that, and even then, with Dad never being home, they would probably prioritize actual family over you. Also, you sound not too bright. Your bf is expecting you to subsidize his kids and him getting another job paying more isn’t going to do anything other than make his child support go up even more.
There are no words to express how messed up this is. I’m just going to assume the relationship is good because he doesn’t have anything else going for him.” Disastrous-Current-6
Another User Comments:
“Split those bills. NTJ. Your bf is looking for childcare for his children and a housekeeper.
Being a partner doesn’t require that. Is he still interested in you if you continue to work part-time while you complete your degree? What happens if you decide to go to grad school? What happens if you decide to live in graduate housing for two to three years?
He’s not there most of the time. What kind of benefit is there to you to live there when he is gone all of the time? Why does he get to tell you how to spend your money? Don’t let that happen. Split those bills no matter how much he pushes.
See if he still wants to be in a relationship if you have your housing on campus or a small apartment of your own for undergrad. See how it goes if you are not providing childcare for his children and cleaning his house. Don’t be surprised if he is no longer interested or tries to guilt you into doing what he wants you to do.
Anyone who truly cares for you will want you to finish your degree (or degrees?) without working full-time, keeping house, and providing childcare.” WaldenWould
10. AITJ For Being Indifferent Towards My Womanizing Father Who Neglected Our Family?
“For context, my family and I used to be poor and so my dad had to go and work overseas. I grew up without really knowing my father since I only saw him through video calls and for at least 2 months (max) every 3 years. During all this time, my dad hasn’t been the greatest. He’s a womanizer and he doesn’t even try to hide it (the most effort he has made is to block my mom on social media so she won’t see the posts but duh, that didn’t work.) Obviously, this caused many arguments between my parents and as a child, I was confused about what was happening but I guess my mom doesn’t have that many friends to talk to because she would always show me my dad’s other women and how they go to lavish restaurants, have fancy meals and clothes while we struggled with food and bills.
Don’t get me wrong, my dad did send money but it was barely enough. A few years went by and when I was 7, everything just stopped for me. My dad got a new mistress and she was the worst. I got depressed because my mom showed me her conversations and even used me to chat with the other woman and when she learned that I got hospitalized because of too much stress, she told “me” that she wished that I was dead (my dad didn’t break things off even after that.)
Fast forward to now, my mom and I were having a conversation about my dad asking for money from my step-siblings and them ignoring him or giving excuses that they don’t have money to lend (I have 7 of them with different moms and I’m the second to the youngest.) She said that my half-siblings should’ve been grateful to my dad for being alive and it was mentioned in the Bible that we should forgive and treat our parents with respect I understand the respect part but I disagree with “being grateful”.
My mom got annoyed and opened up to me that my dad was hurt because I don’t talk much to him and that she doesn’t understand why I was giving my father the cold shoulder when he provided every materialistic desire I had. She told me how happy it made my dad when my friends talked warmly to him when they came to visit and that I should be like them.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but a married womanizer is. I worked with a guy from Egypt, who also sent money home, & didn’t visit his wife & kids more than once or twice a year. He managed to not be a womanizer.” Laurpud
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Providing for children’s basic needs might be difficult for parents, but why are children meant to be eternally grateful for that literal bare minimum? He’s lucky you’re just indifferent, as is your mom. The shenanigans from your childhood were wildly disrespectful (for him) and the fact that you were encouraged to be completely aware and involved also sucks.
If your mom wanted to foster enduring respect for parents, it would’ve paid off to remember that when she made you deeply aware of your father’s shortcomings at a super young age lol. If he wanted you to love him deeply, maybe he should have prioritized you over his various partners.” paper-Julien
9. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For My Daughter's Fourth Wedding?
“My daughter has been married three times. I love her but she has just terrible taste in men. She is a smart girl. University had, a good career, but then she turned 25 and decided that bad relationships were the way to go.
I was rude the last time she asked me for help with her wedding. I was maybe a little salty because my wife and I are supposed to be retired and enjoying life. Instead, we are raising my grandson while my daughter looks for her soulmate.
She has tried 4 times now. Thank goodness she did not marry the last clown. She has however found a new guy. The love of her life. And she came to me because I said I would pay for the next one.
I said it didn’t count because she never married the last guy.
She is now furious with me for “tricking” her into thinking she could have a nice wedding again.
I am just done. I want her to meet a good man and settle down. She does not need to marry everyone she falls in love with in my opinion.
Actually what she should do is forget guys and come be a good mother to my grandson.”
Another User Comments:
“Eh? You’ve done your part. You shouldn’t be paying for her weddings anymore. She’s living a fantasy of going through one guy after another and leaving her son to your care.
The first wedding should have been enough. You shouldn’t have made a promise to fund the fourth wedding. While you are allowed to change your mind, you could have brought it up long ago. Everyone sucks here.” DestronCommander
Another User Comments:
“Yikes. NTJ. My parents paid for my first wedding eons ago.
Divorced, re-married, and would NEVER have thought to ask them for a penny for the second. And honestly, having done both the big wedding and the eloping, the 2nd was more to my taste anyway. A simple family get-together was 1000 times less stressful and less expensive than a big wedding.
Your daughter isn’t interested in being married – she’s interested in having her big moment at a party.” Anxious-Ocelot-712
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your daughter for obvious reasons. She needs therapy, not another wedding. You for not standing up to your wife and resent raising your grandson.
He likely senses this. Also for your antiquated views that she needs a nice man in her life to settle down. And why on earth would you have offered to pay for any weddings, let alone “the next one” and then being childish with splitting hairs over “well technically you never married the last one.” You all sound like jerks.” nerdyviolet
8. AITJ For Not Wanting My MIL To Wear My Wedding Dress For Her Vow Renewal?
“I (24f) got married to my husband Marcus (25m) three months ago, it was wonderful and went off without a hitch.
My mother-in-law Rose (46f) and my father-in-law David (47) are going to get their vows renewed a month from now, they both said that my wedding inspired this. I was happy for them and thought it was a great idea, my parents did the same but on a smaller scale when I was 19.
However, a week ago Rose came to me with the request that she wear my wedding dress since she was forced to sell hers when Marcus was a kid and didn’t want to spend the money on a brand-new wedding dress. I was shocked and just told her that I would think about it.
I have thought about it and I honestly don’t want her to wear it. I want to preserve it for a future daughter or granddaughter and the dress would have to be altered to fit my mother-in-law.
I’m also afraid of it possibly getting stained or torn since Rose is clumsy and has ruined expensive clothes of mine or her own because of it.
The fabric is delicate and part of it is white, which is notoriously hard to get stains out of it.
Rose has been texting me about it, wanting to know my answer and I haven’t told Marcus about her request yet.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Her request is creepy.
Tell her no, and take your dress somewhere else for storage until after her vow renewal. You don’t have to give her a reason, that it would make you uncomfortable is enough. Do tell your husband and make it clear to him that your answer is no and that there will be no discussion about it in case he takes her side.
Her ruining your clothing should be treated as a separate issue. Ask her for reimbursement for the things she ruined, and don’t loan her anything.” My2Cents_503
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – this is a very strange request on her part. Firstly, that dress is YOURS, meant for your special occasion.
Her wearing it cheapens the meaning behind it (and the fact that it would need to be altered also is extremely entitled on her part). Secondly, I understand not having a lot of money to spend on a dress but surely there are other ways to find something affordable and suitable (consignment shop, thrift store, online, etc.).
Lastly, someone renewing their vows wouldn’t typically wear a standard, white wedding dress as they already got to do that. I’m wondering if she was inspired by your wedding or your wedding *dress because it sounds like this was her plan all along. Tell her that you’ve thought about it but that you want to preserve the memory of the dress as *your* wedding dress so you won’t be able to lend it to her.
If she argues, hold your ground. Her options aren’t your dress or nothing. She can figure something else out.” cbm984
Another User Comments:
“NTJ This feels like your mother-in-law was jealous of your wedding and is trying to hijack your experience. Has she demonstrated any other jealousy over your relationship with her son?
She’s acting like a vulture, and your dress is her next meal. If you’re planning to have children, tell her you’re saving the dress for your future daughter. Or for your future vow renewal.” AdOne8433
7. AITJ For Refusing To Adopt A Puppy My Husband Wanted When I Can't Care For It?
“So my husband (22m) & I (21f) ended up looking at a multitude of puppies today between the flea market and then our trip to a local shelter.
I like to see them of course and I love puppies as much as anyone else. But my husband and I don’t currently live together full-time.
I live in our house, about two hours away and he stays with his parents while he works because that’s just how things worked out for us and we have been making it work with minimal issues.
I decided to come down for the weekend with our dog as she has severe separation anxiety as a rescue. And it seems that this has made my husband miss her a lot and so he’s got puppy fever especially because her attachment to him has been transferred over to me as a result of the living situation.
We had been at the shelter looking at a particular dog and his dad said that his mom had the final say. Now don’t get me wrong the puppy we had been looking at was extremely sweet and would make a great dog with proper training & exercise & plenty of chew toys.
I did love him but because we couldn’t get ahold of his mother my husband asked me if I could take him home with me.
I told him no. And repeatedly told him no that I could not take home a new puppy when I would have no time to take care of it since I was gone all day.
Our dog already has to come to work with me. I can’t leave a puppy home alone all day.
This made him upset and he told me I had to be the one to tell the handler at the shelter that we wouldn’t be going through with fostering or adoption.
Now it’s not like he was rude towards me but it’s one of those things where when you’ve been with someone for 6+ years you know when they’re upset and can feel that being directed at you.
I feel bad because I know he just wants a puppy to love and train.
But I can’t take on that responsibility and I would feel far worse having to bring the puppy back to the shelter than simply saying no upfront and not feeling like I was guilted into adopting when I couldn’t provide what that animal needs.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Would hold off on getting another dog until you live together full-time and your husband has time to mature a bit more? He reads like a child being denied a toy rather than a grown man preparing to extend his family with another dog.
The responsibility would have fallen on you again and you were mature enough to stand your ground as you do not have the availability in your schedule to care for another dog.” Lola_leila
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I’m sure he’s disappointed, but how does asking you to take a puppy home 2 hours away do anything for him at all?
Most importantly, if you can’t properly take care of the puppy, how is it even remotely responsible for him to expect it? Hopefully, he just needs a little time to let the disappointment recede and the logic comes through.” SunshineShoulders87
Another User Comments:
“NTJ He’s the one who is a jerk for demanding you take on more responsibility.
His mature reactions to not being able to contact his other and get permission are to 1) wait until he can get permission(in this case different dog?) or 2) wait until you are both living in the same home again and can take care of dog(tho i bet that He’ll put that on you just as he did your current dog–why didn’t he get permission from his Mom to bring current dog to their home) what he doesn’t get to do as a mature adult-is pout like a CHILD about it.
Sorry OP, but I guarantee you would have ended up with another dog to care for that you didn’t have time to train. It would be chewing you out of house and home AND probably exacerbating your rescue dog’s anxiety.” MountainMidnight9400
6. AITJ For Prioritizing My Immediate Family And Calling My Aunt And Cousin Gossipy?
“My mom is going through some tough medical stuff that, in turn, affects her mental state. She’s not in the best brain space. She lives an hour and a half away from me, and I tried to go up there as much as possible to help, but I have a job (of course) and a family that I have to take care of on my own (I have a wife who is a housewife who takes care of both of the kids full time, an 18-month-old and a 14-year-old).
My mother tells me not to come to help her because she has my aunt (her sister) and my cousin (the aunt’s daughter) literally down the street from them, and they’ll help her. Cool.
A couple of days after that, my cousin called me complaining that I didn’t help enough and stating that I should lose my job to help my mother because my mother sacrificed a lot to raise me.
Although I can appreciate that, I told her that my priority is my wife and kids and providing for them; if I lose my job, being in NYC, it’s extremely competitive and difficult to find another one. We ended the conversation a couple of hours later, to which she exclaimed that she was “glad she talked to me” and that it was a good conversation.
Fast forward a couple of weeks later, my mother has been distant and resentful towards me, my wife, and our kids. This weekend, she finally revealed that my cousin told my aunt what I said, and my aunt told my mother that I said that “my family (not including her) was my priority” (insinuating that my mother isn’t a priority at all, and that she’s not in my family).
Naturally, this hurt my mother. So, when she told me that, I said that my aunt and my cousin were gossipy jerks.
Well, my Mother (being gossipy herself) went back and told her sister and my cousin that, and they told their male relative (my male cousin), and now he wants to “see me” (if you know what I mean) because I called his mother and sister a jerk because they are deliberately trying to ruin me and my mother’s relationship by twisting my words, strictly for their enjoyment.
That’s cool.
So, my question is AITJ and am I wrong for calling them gossipy jerks, or is everyone else wrong for being gossipy jerks?”
Another User Comments:
“I think this has devolved to ESH. You all played a game of telephone and lost. You shouldn’t call people names; especially when they’re misogynistic.
Learn to communicate and handle conflict like an adult. Talk to your mom directly about how she feels about the arrangement. If your cousin has an issue with how much she is helping your mom, she can set a boundary and let you know. If your aunt has issues or concerns with her sister’s care and your involvement in it, she again can set a boundary and let you know.
Then, once you know what they’re willing to do, you can decide how much you will/can supplement. All the while, everyone should be telling their piece to your mom since this directly impacts her.” friendlily
Another User Comments:
“Your mom saying that they are available to help doesn’t relieve them, though?
So, I don’t blame your cousin for being unhappy that they do the lion’s share of the work in support of YOUR mother. YTJ for that part. And if your wife and child are your priority what is your cousin supposed to think? Your cousin isn’t a home health care provider, is she?
You didn’t hire her to be available in your absence. Again, I get why your cousin feels you shirk your responsibilities to your mother. In your cousin’s rage and frustration, she told your mother that she isn’t your priority? It’s most unfortunate that you said that out loud then.
The truth isn’t gossip, in case you missed that memo. 360 degrees YTJ.” AndSoItGoes24
Another User Comments:
“Esh, your mom purposely moved close to her sister for them to help each other. It is not your fault your mom doesn’t want to stay with you while she recovers.
You can only do so much with her living two hours away. Your cousin is a jerk for one gossiping and two telling you to lose your job. You can’t help your mom if you don’t have an income. Was your cousin offering to pay your bills or house your family?
Your aunt and mom suck for gossiping. If your mom got told the full story then she a jerk for not understanding why you can’t lose your job. Why would she want her son and grandchildren not to have a home or food? That would be selfish of her.
I understand her getting upset about not being included in immediate family but she doesn’t live in your household. You are a jerk for calling them a jerk. Find a way that works for your household to help her mom. Don’t overload your wife too much to help your mom.
It will do you guys no good especially if this is a good chunk of time.” lilwildjess
5. AITJ For Being Upset After My Mom Threw Out My Diet Food?
“I (16F) have been on a diet for the last 6 months.
I only eat low-calorie foods and food/drinks marketed as diet/healthy food (although I think they might be a bit of a scam but whatever.)
I went to the fridge to get my salad and it wasn’t there, along with a few other things of mine.
I asked my mom about it and she said she threw all of my food away because she doesn’t want me dieting anymore. We got into a big fight and I called her controlling she was really upset and said she was trying to help me (?) and I didn’t appreciate her help.
I don’t understand what she’s talking about, I don’t get what the problem is with wanting to be healthy and look after my body. She’s told me before that she doesn’t think I’m eating enough but then she takes away my food? Like, actually, what the heck?
It’s so annoying too because I don’t want to eat high-calorie junk and that’s like most of what we have at home so I have to spend money on getting my food again but I honestly don’t trust her not to get rid of it all again.
My dad said I really upset her and he’s kinda mad at me now too. My mom has barely spoken to me and my dad keeps telling me that I was cruel and to say sorry to her. I don’t know if I’m in the wrong or not.
I thought it was normal behavior to not be happy when someone gets rid of your food.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“There are a few issues. Do you think your parents could have a point? What’s your BMI? Are you a healthy weight and do you have any other health issues?
But no, throwing your stuff away (even if well-intentioned) isn’t a very mature way of tackling a problem. It would have been better for your mum to approach you directly to talk through her concerns. The problem is I can sense your anger. And I think you all need to sit down and talk without the emotions.
Do you think they’re scared? Has your diet or weight loss been extreme? Can you see their point of view that that might be scary for them? I would calmly ask her to replace the food she threw away. It’s not ok for her to throw away your possessions.
But I really can’t tell if their fears are unfounded. Only you can really. And you have to be honest with yourself.” CarefulNow-
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You’re a teen trying to navigate that weird in-between period of life where you have a mix of adult and kid expectations on you.
Your mom is worried about you and, as your mom, is right to involve herself in your health and diet. 5’5 and 105 lbs is clinically underweight. Now, that’s a general guideline and some body types don’t fall within the norm. If you think that is you, ask your mom to take you to your pediatrician for a physical. It’s tough at your age because you’re gaining autonomy/maturity, but also, you may not always see the bigger picture the way your parents or doctor can and THAT can be an annoyingly tough pill to swallow.
And it is normal for a person your age to go through periods of weight gain/loss due to growth. I worry that you might be trying to achieve a physique that conflicts with your overall health. Your focus on low-calorie food in this post makes me wonder if you’re overlooking the importance of nutrition.
Connecting with a registered dietician could help you find the balance and set you up for long-term success as you approach adulthood. They may encourage you to adjust your diet and types of exercise to ensure you’re healthy but using exercise to positively/healthily achieve some of your physique goals.” MoMoJangles
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s the jerk. You shouldn’t be on diets at 16 unless you’re being supervised by a professional, let’s start there. And yes, many diet products are a scam, and I’d like to add that many low-calorie products are less healthy than their full-sugar counterparts, and a low-calorie diet doesn’t work unless you exercise as well.
Your parents, albeit they care about you, should be more concerned about you if your weight and/or physical appearance are an issue to you, regardless of whether they think you’re right or not because you could develop an eating disorder if you don’t deal with it the right way.
Is your mother controlling though? I don’t think she is (as I say, she cares about you), but she should have dealt with the situation differently, expressing her concerns to you before acting out like that. And your father is only entitled to be mad at you as well if he was present during your fight with your mum; otherwise, he’s the jerk as well for blindly choosing your mum’s side and not hearing your version of the story.” coolnickname83
4. AITJ For Refusing To Leave The House I Pay Rent For During My Parents' Vacation?
“I recently moved back in with my father and his wife due to hard times and now paying rent to live with them. So basically they had planned on going away for a holiday over the weekend with a few extra days and it was planned about a month before I got here and I’ve been here for 3 months.
About three weeks before they were to leave that’s when I was told about their plans and that they had house sitters coming to the house to watch it and I would have to leave/find a place for when the house sitters were here.
I asked why I couldn’t just stay and watch the house for them because I just found a new job and if I left to stay with my brother who was out of town and unaware of their plans (my father told me to go stay with him but didn’t ask him) I would miss out on 4-5 days of work and spend my savings on travel to even get to him so it would be a win-win if I could just stay here (I’m 24 and been living by myself for years and looked after dogs and other animals) due to the fact I would do it for free and well it just makes sense… Overall I was told no and that it was a special type of house sitter and they were traveling to come here from another country and were expecting to have the house to themselves and refused to discuss it with them or me anymore on the topic.
Fast forward 3 weeks and my brother didn’t reply when I asked (I may have procrastinated a little due to the fact I felt rude pushing myself onto him) and they live in a different town from where I came from so I don’t know anyone else so I have nowhere else to go/can’t because of money and a new job (who I just started with not even got my first pay yet) and now the house sitters are here earlier than I was lead to believe and now I’m being viewed as selfish for not getting out.
AITJ for not getting out of the place I pay rent and miss out on 5 days’ worth of work so they can’t get accepted into a special house-sitting “club”. I feel like they could have easily canceled when I got here 3 months ago.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ-So your parents kicked you out, even though you pay rent so they could appease some house sitters and join a house sitting club… I would say you were the jerk if you didn’t pay rent and you were just a guest, but you paid to live there.
They legally can’t kick you out even for a few days. You are a legal roommate at this point and not obligated to leave at all. I don’t understand their choices either. House sitting is expensive, and free is a steal. Just stay at the house to let the sitters know how redundant they are and a waste of money for your parents, lol.
You do need to start looking for a place of your own ASAP. Your parents care more about being accepted into this House sitting club than your housing situation and it sounds like they will kick you out again, legally or not.” OzmaofEmeralds
3. AITJ For Not Wanting My Little Sister To Play With My Childhood Collections?
“I am F21, and my little sister is 3. I collect things from my childhood such as Polly Pockets, and vintage Barbies, and when the mini Bratz thing first came out I was collecting those too. I also had the Barbie Peakaboo Petites which were my favorite thing ever as a little girl.
Now I am collecting what’s called Palm Pals, they’re little stuffed animals. I am kind of forgetful sometimes and this part is def on me but sometimes I leave them downstairs after getting them. My 3-year-old sister sees them, and I see her with them and I don’t know why but it fills me with so much rage and I have to collect myself in a different room.
I did have a lot of trauma during my childhood so maybe that plays a role in this but my mom forces me to let her play with them and lets her into my room to grab things that are mine.
I can’t find my Sunkissed Hello Kitty or my other Hello Kitty.
What annoys me more is that she will get ahold of them after my mom forces me to let her, and then leave them on the floor ignoring their existence. And then when I go to take it back after she doesn’t care about it anymore she sobs and cries and my mom forces me to give it back.
My mom has bullied me out of this hobby multiple times screaming at me to grow up. And I’ve since thrown away my collection of mini Bratz, Barbie Peekaboos, etc. I get 0 privacy, she’s always allowed in my room 24/7 even if I’m gone.
I know at 21 it’s like just move out or whatever but I literally cannot afford it I have to figure out every single thing in my life on my own. I don’t know, I guess I’m just wondering if I’m a jerk for not wanting her to play with my stuff.
For the record, my stepdad collects basketball cards and NBA paraphernalia. So why can’t I collect stuff that makes me happy?”
Another User Comments:
“Stop leaving your things outside your room. Get a lock for your door. If your mom won’t allow that get some storage bins that lock and put your collections there.
Sit down when you’re not angry and your mom has time and talk to her about how you feel. Maybe buy a toy for your sister that she *can* play with. Save your money as much as you can to move out.” KingBretwald
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for not wanting a toddler to play with your collection, but there are ways to prevent some of this. Using them as decor is probably not a great idea given your circumstances. You could lock away your collection in a secure storage container in the back of the closet and get some toys that don’t have sentimental or collectible value to leave out in the open.
Your sister won’t want to play with things if she doesn’t know they exist. She’ll be happy with the things that aren’t valuable to you.” SpiffyInk
Another User Comments:
“NTJ neither is your sister – she is just a little kid who doesn’t know any better, BUT your mum is the jerk here, people collect different things as a hobby and what you collect is harmless and makes you happy so there is nothing wrong with that, in fact, there is a multi-billion dollar business created around people doing exactly what you are so lots of adults collect old toys from their childhood and it’s pretty common, your mum should not let your sister in your room and if she picks up one of your collectibles then she should be saying to her ‘no honey that’s your big sister’s toy’, I am sorry you are going through this – try and stay strong” [deleted]
2. AITJ For Being Disappointed My Daughter Doesn't Want Kids?
“I know this is Caroline’s decision, and I told her that I’d always support her no matter what, but admittedly, knowing I’d never have grandchildren stung.
I’d always dreamed of having a large family, but I was only able to have one child, and now Caroline doesn’t want any of her own, so that dream is gone.
I’ve done my best not to let my disappointment show to Caroline because I don’t want to put any pressure on her.
It’s her body and life, and her choice comes before my wants. But I guess I seemed a little down because Caroline asked me if something was wrong.
Initially, I brushed off her concern and told her everything was okay, but I guess she mentioned something to her paternal aunt, Mabel because I got a call from Mabel demanding answers for why I’d been off.
Well, I didn’t want to lie. I admitted that I was a little disappointed by Caroline’s decision to be child-free and that I’d just need a little bit of time to get over it. Mabel wasn’t happy with this answer and accused me of trying to guilt-trip Caroline.
I asked Mabel not to tell Caroline what I said because it’d upset her, but I got an angry call from Caroline accusing me of “talking behind her back” and “judging her decisions”.
Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything to Mabel, but I didn’t expect this to blow up as much as it has or to make Caroline feel like I was pressuring her, especially since I asked Mabel not to mention anything to her.
I just want to know, am I the jerk here? If I am, I’m fully ready to apologize to both Mabel and Caroline, but I just don’t know what to think right now.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You are within your rights to be disappointed. You didn’t try and persuade her to change her mind.
You seem to understand and respect that ultimately it is her decision. So it is perfectly fine to be disappointed, just as long as you don’t take it further. As for your daughter and Mabel, they will get over it I’m sure. Just explain to your daughter that yes you are a little disappointed but that you respect her choice.
And Mabel should never have played messenger like that.” Disneylover-4837
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you appear to be supporting your daughter and recognizing her decision in this. It’s OK to be sad about it. It’s beyond belief how Mabel can conclude that you are “guilt-tripping” Caroline when you must have said to her that you respect the decision, although you’re disappointed (just as you have here), and told Mabel specifically to NOT speak to Caroline and that you just needed a little time.
Mabel is a jerk for appearing to want to cause drama. If and when you feel ready, I’m sure there’s an ‘adopt a grandma’ charity where families without grandparents can be matched with people in that age range – so you can have some youngsters to spoil, yet not be 100% responsible for bringing up :)” TeenySod
Another User Comments:
“Ehhhh No jerks here. As someone in your daughter’s shoes, it’s hard knowing that you’re letting your parents down by not having kids. And I get really upset sometimes because I know my parents would be AMAZING grandparents. I also feel bad about my mum’s surname dying out and our line of the family tree ending with me.
That’s a lot of pressure and a lot of grief. But I also know that that is not a good enough reason to have children, I’ve said that to my mum and she agrees even though it does hurt her. Every child should be brought into this world by someone who wants them.
And I don’t. It’s okay for you to feel sad/disappointed, and as you said you just need some time to adjust to the idea, you weren’t asking her to change her mind or even directly letting her know how you feel because you respect your daughter’s decision even if you don’t like it.
But I also understand that she’s upset and feeling judged even if you weren’t judging her.” Anxious_Reporter_601
1. AITJ For Asking A Guy To Prom Instead Of Going With My Best Friend?
“My ex-best friend and I were best friends for over 3 years before a few weeks ago. For the past few months before prom, my ex-best friend and I kept telling each other that we would be going to prom together since neither of us was getting asked by anyone anyway.
We didn’t exactly make a solid plan except that I was going to drive us since she didn’t have a car yet at the time.
Fast-forward to about a month before prom, I was starting to think about asking a guy that I knew to prom because I liked him and he was going to be sitting at our table anyway.
I asked my friend group for their advice on whether or not I should ask him (which included her) and nobody seemed to be opposed to me asking him. So I ask this boy to prom and he says yes! This made me super excited because the guy that I liked wanted to go to prom with me.
I told all my friends about how he said yes when I asked him, and everyone was happy for me except for her. I knew her mood was off so I asked her if she was mad at me and she said that she was.
Later that day I asked what part of it she was mad about and she started expressing how she felt as though we were committed to going together and that she felt that she wasn’t enough for me since I went and asked somebody else.
She claimed that I was a bad friend for “ditching” her for a guy. I repeatedly apologized to her and she kept going on being angry about it. It’s understandable to be mad about it, but completely ignoring my apologies and all attempts to have a mature conversation about it started to make me mad, too.
I am not sure if I’m the jerk here, because, on one hand, I did disregard the fact that we said we would go to prom together when I asked the guy. But on the other hand, she got so childishly mad at me and wasn’t even happy for me as my friend that the guy I liked said yes.
And we didn’t even really have set plans either. But I genuinely want to know AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for ditching your friend a month before the event. You say you liked the guy but thought about asking at the last moment. He is not your close friend, is he?
Apologizing is fine but that does not mean your friend is not hurt or she has to forgive you. Dismissing her feelings or not seeing the problem makes you the jerk again. Give your friend some time and maybe she will forgive you.” No-Sample-5262
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for thinking that an apology is a get-out-of-jail-free card. Do you think your apology took away her pain? Is she going to go to prom with your apology as a date? Too many people think saying you are sorry absolves you of any accountability and the other party is wrong for still being upset.
What have you done to remedy her bad prom situation? Hint—- nothing” OkPumpkin5330
Another User Comments:
“NTJ She could’ve spoken up about how you two had plans about going to prom together when you asked the group. She can be upset that the plan has changed about a month before prom, but it sounds like you two weren’t talking or planning it together either.
The silent treatment is childish, the only reason I can think she’s acting this way is that maybe she’s liked you and you hadn’t taken notice. Either way, you’re not the jerk.” Chee-shep
