People Show Empathy In These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
21. AITJ For Not Letting My Mother Take Half Of My Dad's Pension And Savings?
“In 2020 my father was diagnosed with dementia. After some deliberation, it was decided that I (being his firstborn) would become his LPA for both his health and welfare and his finances.
At the time of his diagnosis, he was employed and I managed to get him a nice buy out of his contract which I nestled away in a savings account for him. He is now of pensionable age and gets a full state pension as well as other benefits.
Dad is divorced but he and my mother have a “good-ish” relationship.
Recently Mum has started doing the cleaning for Dad and taking him shopping once a week which she gets paid for. However, Dad has been showing her his bank accounts and now mum feels she should be entitled to half of his pension and some of the lump sum he received. Mum always has some sob story to get money out of him whenever she goes around to clean.
Last week it was two new tires at £250 the week before it was £200 for shopping the list is endless and he always hands her over the money.
She is now also of pensionable age and gets her state pension but is left quite short at the end of each month.
I appreciate that Dad wants to help her out but am outraged that Mum thinks she is entitled to half of his pension and is demanding to know how much money he has in his accounts. My brother has now asked if Dad can pay half the airfare to get her over to Australia for Christmas I have said No. All my brothers and sisters are on my mum’s side and think that it’s only right for dad to look after her.
Dad having dementia at times is blissfully unaware of what’s happening. Although he is adamant he wants to help her out. I worry that down the line when he inevitably gets worse he’s going to be broke and not able to get even the basics he may need for his care.
I have said No she does not have half of his money nor is he paying for her to go to Australia I’m also on the edge of telling her I don’t want her cleaning for him anymore as every time she goes around he seems to end up worse off.
Am I the jerk for being the only one who thinks his money should be for him?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I’m sorry to hear about your Father, your family is not behaving in his best interests and that is saddening, they need to be reminded that he isn’t just some money tree they can use to fund their lives, just like he probably didn’t fund their lives before he was diagnosed” SeveralG7
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Let me tell you now. My Grandma had more than £90,000 when we had to put her in a dementia home. When she died around two years later, all of that money was spent on her care and my Dad had to rent out her old house and use the money from rent to supplement payments for her care.
Don’t give them so much of a tenner. You’re going to need every penny of those savings.” Bambino1991
Another User Comments:
“NTJ you need to get a copy of the divorce decree to see if this was addressed. Sometimes there is a lump payment at the time of divorce.
If there was she’s been paid. If it wasn’t addressed at all oh well she had a poor lawyer. Stop letting her in the house your mom sucks and is taking advantage of him for money. She’s probably taking things too. If you are in charge of everything do your job.
Check all of his accounts for beneficiaries including retirement and bank accounts. You need to make sure no one else has access to them. Since he has dementia remove any checkbooks, credit cards, or atm cards. He should not be able to just randomly give away money.
Demanding to know how much money he has? No way. You agreed to protect your father’s assets so do it. Lock that down.” 9smalltowngirl
20. AITJ For Defending My Wife Against My Parents' Pressure To Reconnect With Her Half-Siblings?
“My parents have been pressuring my wife for a while now to reach out to her older half-siblings to establish a relationship. My wife (27f) was an “affair baby”. Her half-siblings share the same mother as her but are aware of her status as the child from the affair.
She was 7 the last time she saw them but she remembers very clearly they did not like her or accept her. She knows this hasn’t changed because they maintain contact with extended family while also not attending anything she might be attending. My wife’s parents were married but it became a toxic marriage based on unfaithfulness and she’s no contact with them as a result.
My wife is pregnant with our first child and this trouble with my parents started when my wife admitted to wishing things could have been different for her and her siblings. My parents told her she should reach out because she never knew how they’d respond.
She told them she did know because they continued to keep their distance and not be around her. She accepted it and would not push or risk a very vitriol-filled rejection from them. But that she appreciated they (my parents) wanted the best for her.
My parents told her she shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss the idea. And they have brought it up roughly a dozen times since. I have told them to stop and reminded them that this is my wife’s decision alone and she should not be backed into a corner by them.
The last time was Friday night. My wife grew frustrated by the mention again and I told my wife we should leave because clearly, this wasn’t the right place for us to be at that moment. My parents said we didn’t need to leave and they were trying to support my wife.
I told them to forget the Hallmark movies and come into the real world where not everyone is desperately waiting to be reunited with family, where people can hold onto resentment and hate for decades and lifetimes, where people refuse to attend an event that another person might be at should be taken at face value and seen as a boundary instead of being treated like a cry for the other person to reach out.
I told them it’s not destined for a happily ever after when ignore clear signs and reach out anyway.
And to clarify my parents are HUGE Hallmark fans.
My parents sent me three texts right after we left saying I should have kept my sarcasm away from people who only wanted to help and support my pregnant wife.
We have decided a break is needed from my parents. But their texts about my comment to them have left me wondering.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You weren’t being sarcastic, you were telling them the truth. Pushing a point when someone has already said no is NOT supportive. I wouldn’t second guess yourself on whether you’re the jerk or not.
Their reaction is one of embarrassment, and the only escape they have from what you said is to make the conversation about the TONE with which you said it. Maybe if they listened the first however many times they brought it up, the ‘sarcasm’ wouldn’t have been necessary.
I also find it telling that they’ve taken a verbal dose of reality to be sarcasm, not sure what it’s telling off but that is just super odd (unless the tone was a little facetious/sarcastic. Even then, a bit rich they take it personally while ignoring how personal this whole situation is to your partner)” Aggravating-Thanks80
Another User Comments:
“It’s curious that people “who only want to help and support my pregnant wife” are so keen to push her into a relationship with people who have never helped, supported, or loved her in her life. They’re old enough to know movies with the emotional maturity of a teenager aren’t a mirror of life.
NTJ.” peonyhen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You need to train your parents as were they Pavlov’s dogs. Tell them clearly that you will now take a week’s break from them, and when you establish contact with them again, your wife’s family is off limits. If they mention the subject, you’ll cut contact for a month.
Third time – a year. Be firm, and protect your wife – your parents need to stay in their lane, or you need to remove them from your wife’s – and by extension your – life.” KeyFly3
19. AITJ For Making A Casual Joke About My Sister-In-Law's Clothes?
“I (23F) married my husband (27M) last year. We moved abroad, and I struggled to make friends since I didn’t speak the language yet. When my husband has time off, we visit his sister, who lives 12 hours away by train.
I’m autistic and awkward in social settings, but I’m kind and always try to engage with people.
My relationship with his sister (29F) isn’t close, but this time, I felt like we were getting along better, joking and talking more. My husband and I fought a lot, but we promised not to during this visit to avoid ruining the experience.
On the last day, we were getting ready to visit my sister-in-law’s old neighbors.
I dressed nicely but saw her in casual clothes, so I changed to match her. While doing my makeup, I saw her getting new clothes from the closet, so I joked to my husband, “Wouldn’t it be funny if she changed into something else now, maybe because she saw me in kind of a formal way and then I’d have to change again?” My husband said it wasn’t a nice thing to say and that I shouldn’t assume what she would do.
I explained that it was just a joke, but he insisted I wasn’t being kind. He left the room upset.
Later, he came back to tell me to hurry for breakfast. I explained that I wasn’t trying to insult his sister and that I did say the same about myself.
And that me and my friends used to do that all the time. He replied, “It’s okay to say that about yourself, but not about her.” When I asked if it was different because it was your sister, he got really angry, saying it was rude to call her “your sister” instead of using her name.
I corrected myself, but by then he was furious and stormed out.
Afterward, he came into the room, threw the folded laundry I had done onto the suitcase, and told me to eat breakfast. I wasn’t hungry and felt upset that he threw the clothes after seeing me cry.
He insisted I eat so his effort in making breakfast wasn’t wasted. I went, but I couldn’t stop tearing up. Even when we went out, tears kept streaming down my face for the whole road (1h)
he sent me messages while we were on the train saying how he hates me!
And he doesn’t want to visit his sister with me again and accused me of making things up about her and his mom (the stereotypical wife hates the in-laws) even though I’ve been nothing but kind and helpful to them ever since we got engaged. When his sister noticed something was wrong because I kept tearing up, I said it was ok.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Leave. Him. Now. It may be hard to see from the inside, but your partner is abusing you. You made a harmless and funny observation, and he goes off the handle. He is trying to manipulate you into submission, when he makes you question if you were in the wrong even after you clarified. This is a huge red flag and a common tactic among jerks.
Stay safe. Consult a friend or your family. And dump him. You deserve better” Juelmandens
Another User Comments:
“I’ve read your joke about 5 times now and I can’t figure out what is wrong. Maybe it’s lost in translation or I just don’t get it, but what did you say about her that makes him react like that?
I read a normal conversation, not HAHA funny but like regular talk spouses in between and you insult his sister by saying that?! I’m just lost tbh… Your husband seems to have… massive problems. If that scenario ends in “I hate you” messages I would say your autism is the least of your problems…
NTJ.” Master-Discussion539
Another User Comments:
“NTJ in any way. Holy. What you said was not insulting in any way, because it would have been funny if you and the sister kept changing clothes to match one another’s vibe. In my family/friend circle that would have led to it being a running joke where everyone coordinates their outfits.
We would get as much mileage out of that as we could. This leads me to this conclusion: Your husband was looking for a reason to be angry at you so he could mistreat you. He picked a really stupid one, probably because he was getting impatient and wanted to get started on abusing you.
You need to get out of this marriage. You are not safe.” SirenSingsOfDoom
18. AITJ For Turning My Older Son's Room Into An Office?
“I have two adult sons that are 10 months apart. They are now 21 & 20. They are half-brothers.
For over a decade I have lived in the same 3-bedroom house where they’ve each had their room.
The boys have always fought a lot and I specifically upgraded to a 3-bedroom so that when I had custody of both they would have their rooms to get away from one another.
My 20-year-old is in college in a different state. My 21-year-old moved out of his mom’s place at 18 to live with me full-time, before then moving out to live on his own a little over a year ago in a different city.
He did not go to college and works a full-time job. However, he’s still spent a handful of nights at my house since moving out.
Up until recently, I’ve left both their bedrooms as is. However, I work from home more now and my partner moved in with me at the beginning of the summer.
I decided to turn my eldest son’s room into my office but include a pull-out couch for my son or any other guests to use.
I texted my son to let him know, he still had a few belongings that I had put in the basement.
I told him he could pick them up at some point or I could keep them in the basement. He did not seem to mind at that time.
However, last weekend he visited me for the first time since I switched things around. In person, he seemed less okay with the whole thing.
His main issue was that his brother kept his room and I only changed his room. He says that I should turn my other son’s room into a guest room so that he and his family can use it instead of the couch. He says it’s unfair that he was singled out instead of his brother and thinks it’s because I prefer my younger son to go to college.
I told him that his brother still uses his room more than he does. My 20-year-old spent most of his summer break staying at my house, it is unclear if he’d want to use it again next summer. On top of that, he still has a lot of his belongings at my house as he only takes a limited amount of stuff with him to college.
He also spent more of his childhood living with me than my older son, so the bedroom has been his primary bedroom vs my older son who used it every other weekend. My older only left a few random belongings behind when he moved out, the room was mostly sparse.
I feel bad for upsetting my son, but I am not convinced I’m the jerk here. He’s an adult with his own home and he’s still welcome to stay whenever and however much he wants. It was a useless space and I turned it into one with a purpose again.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here your 21-year-old has his place your 20-year-old does not. That’s the deciding factor in my opinion. He’s in college dorms, not a permanent residence, and like you said on summer break he lives there full time. This is a problem of logistics that’s all.
That said the emotional impact is larger than the logistical difference so you should try to do something to compensate for that for your eldest.” TamerOfDemons
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I’m gonna be honest with you here it’s your house at the end of the day but I think most siblings would feel like you are picking a favorite by doing what you did.
If neither kid primarily stays there anymore it wouldn’t be unreasonable to change it into a neutral room for both sons. Making one sleep on a couch with an empty bedroom is a little messed up.” EnvironmentalWash906
Another User Comments:
“Er, this isn’t about the room.
This is about your older son feeling that you favor your younger son. You say your younger son has lived with you since he was a child while your son’s “primary residence” was elsewhere…..so is it possible your older son has always felt like a guest in your home and like it was never actually his home?
I don’t think this is a jerk situation, but, I think you need to have a chat with your son. Where you listen to what he has to say and get ready for maybe some uncomfortable truths, or if not truths, perspectives from your older son.” history_buff_9971
17. AITJ For Telling My Parents To Consider Not Staying With Me Due To Their Controlling Behavior?
“I (F31) live on another continent from my parents. We have a rocky relationship because my mother is controlling and throws fits when she doesn’t get her way. My dad is, unfortunately, an enabler and goes for “It’s your fault, you should apologize for upsetting your mother” every time.
Recently they came to stay in my 400 sqft studio apartment with me, despite me saying they might be more comfortable in a hotel. For cultural reasons (Asian family), my mom thinks that she needs to come rearrange my kitchen and cook food for me (she gives me no choice in this) and that I should be grateful and revert to the powerlessness of my childhood.
For example, she decides what I eat for every meal, I get questioned about when I’m leaving the house and when I’m coming back, etc.
I came home from work yesterday and the water was out without warning. I got slightly upset as my landlord has been guilty of doing this kind of thing before, without 24-hour notice.
As I was putting in the work order, I muttered under my breath about how annoying it was and I was frustrated. My mom started telling me to calm down, why do I always get so worked up about these things? I was already frustrated, so I said (calmly) “Don’t tell me to calm down.
I have the right to be upset about this. My feelings are valid.” I did not raise my voice. My mom hates it when I say things like this, so she responded by throwing whatever she was holding to the ground and giving me the silent treatment.
Before she started that she said, “Well, I have the right to feel many things too. How dare you talk to me that way”. Then gave me the silent treatment for the rest of the night, including refusing to eat dinner.
This morning, they left for a short trip but will be coming back to stay with me later.
As we were waiting for the taxi, I asked my mom (a little incredulously) if she was going to continue giving me the silent treatment when she came back. She didn’t respond. I said, “This is the one time I’m going to bring it up, I’m not going to keep asking about it.
There’s not much point in coming to visit me if you’re going to ignore me the whole time.” My mom then said “Fine, then we won’t stay with you when we get back. We’ll make alternate arrangements.”
My dad started laying into me about how it’s my fault because I was upset and I upset her yesterday by “throwing a tantrum” and now I was “trying to bully her into speaking to me”.
So I said “If you feel that way then maybe you should think about whether you want to stay with me when you get back.” AITJ for saying this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are an adult and able to live your life without your mother’s supervision.
She has no right to come into the home that you pay for and take over let alone behave poorly. Let them make other arrangements and the next time they come to visit make sure you send her a list of nearby hotels or VRBOs.
I get this is a cultural thing but times are changing and if your mother can’t accept that, then she can stay home or stay elsewhere.” Glinda-The-Witch
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Don’t let ‘cultural reasons’ dictate your life. You are not living in the past. You’re living in the present.
Don’t let dead people peer pressure you into allowing your parents to make you miserable. Don’t let your dad continue to enable your mother. Grow a spine and do more than kindly suggest they find alternate arrangements. Tell them the actual truth of their behaviors.” T3hi84n2g
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like you’re just setting reasonable boundaries in your own home, which is especially important given the size of your living space and the stress of having guests. Your parents need to respect your feelings and personal space. If they are making you feel uncomfortable in your own home, it’s fair to suggest they make other arrangements.
Your home should be a sanctuary, not a battleground for power dynamics from your childhood.” sophie_alive01
16. AITJ For Offering My Niece An International Trip Despite Her Mom's Disapproval?
“My 36(f) graduation gift to my oldest niece (18f) was to take her on a trip to a destination of her choosing.
I talked with my brother (her dad) before offering this and outlined my parameters for the distance/ length of stay I was willing to cover. In this conversation with my brother, I also told him he and his wife, my SIL, and their younger children were welcome to join but I would book myself and my niece independently (i.e. how I would book if I were traveling just us two).
My brother was cool with this plan and thanked me for giving his daughter this opportunity.
So my niece’s graduation came around and I wrapped a printout of a fake gift certificate to anywhere in the world – my niece was so excited and started throwing out a bunch of different places (Botswana, India, Peru) all of which I told her I was game for, she just had to pick her favorite.
Her mom (my SIL) cuts in and tells her she needs to think of places inside the US because I was not taking her anywhere abroad.
I was very taken aback by this because I cleared international travel with my brother. At the moment I told my niece that she and I would talk because I didn’t want to publicly undermine her mom but I also didn’t want to hold her back from the opportunities I plan to offer all my nieces.
For context, this is my oldest niece who is my brother’s only child. My sister has 3 girls and I told both my siblings this is what I wanted to do for all my nieces when they graduated high school and then all seemed happy about it.
My niece is very close with her mom and I have not bonded with her the same way I have with my sister’s kids (because they live twice as far(plus my sister FTs me often versus my brother) so I thought this would be a great opportunity for me to show her how much I care for all my nieces equally (I plan to do this for all my nieces).
My brother told me I should just pay for her and her mom to go on the trip by themselves since I can afford it (which I transparently can) but I feel like this is my SIL taking advantage of me. It would be one thing if my niece asked if her mom could come but she seemed very comfortable without her mom in planning and sending me links for activities just for the two of us.
My SIL has riled up a bunch of my relatives but honestly, I feel like this has gotten blown out of proportion. I don’t have kids so I guess I’m just wondering if I’m missing something here that makes me the jerk. I don’t think I am but all my relatives are messaging me saying otherwise so I’m very confused.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your brother should have told his wife, well before you offered your niece the gift, not to get her permission but just because you tell your spouse something like that!!! And then she could have chosen to reach out to you privately if she wanted to.
But REGARDLESS… you didn’t need either your brother’s OR your SIL’s permission to take an 18-year-old young woman out of the country. They can kick rocks. Your gift was generous and lovely. I would not cave to SIL’s demands. Tell niece that even if this trip doesn’t work out, you’ll take her on one someday when her parents aren’t so possessive of her time, as they’re having a hard time with her growing up.” SalaciousSapphic
Another User Comments:
“Your brother has some audacity demanding that you finance a vacation for his wife. The point of the gift is for you to share an experience with your niece. He should have communicated with his wife to ensure this wasn’t going to cause an issue (he should know what kind of woman he married), which he failed to do.
Your SIL is also disrespectful for demanding to go in your stead and trying to involve the rest of the family. I would stand my ground and tell them to take your original offer or leave it. NTJ.” pamelaonthego
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You ran it by your brother, and so you had no expectation or obligation to also have to run it by SIL.
It’s your brother’s job to have that conversation with her. Add in the fact that your niece is 18 and you are certainly not a jerk for how you handled this. SIL is having a hard time letting go and admitting her child is now an adult.
This is not on you at all. When I was 15 my uncle (who was and remains childless) took me to London. It was great, and my parents were totally fine with it. When I was 19 that same uncle took me and a 16-year-old cousin of mine to Rome.
That was even better. I say this to show that it’s normal and reasonable for you to propose this gift and any weirdness or problems that result are not your fault.” cascadia1979
15. AITJ For Confronting A Customer Over Gluten-Free Sandwich Controversy?
“I’m a 17-year-old female, and I used to work at our local Subway.
It was usually quiet, so only one person worked each shift.
This story happened during one of my evening shifts when I was working alone. It’s common for smaller locations like ours to have a sign at the front saying the “sandwich artist” is on break and will be back shortly.
From the break room, some cameras show the front, and I saw a couple with their kid (the parents were around 40, and the kid was about 8) standing there looking at the sign. They kept waiting, which was unusual—most people just go to McDonald’s nearby.
Feeling bad, I decided to quickly make their sandwich.
The woman asked for gluten-free bread. I internally groaned because gluten-free bread is tricky—it’s hard to balance, takes longer to heat, and is more difficult to work with. I grabbed the bread, and she asked for a recommendation.
I suggested the BMT, but she asked for taco beef instead. No problem—I made the sandwich and put it in the oven.
While the bread was heating, the kid started pulling on the glass, yelling, “Can we get a free drink? Mommy said we could!” When the bread came out, the cheese had fallen off (which is common with gluten-free bread), so I offered to add extra cheese for free.
She then asked, “Can you add more meat too?” Confused, since no meat had fallen off, I still obliged.
When I asked what vegetables she wanted, she said, “All of them.” I cringed because gluten-free bread is hard to close. As I added lettuce, she complained, “Shouldn’t there be more?” I explained, “Since you asked for all the veggies, I’m seeing how much fits.” She scoffed and mumbled something to her husband.
After 10 minutes, the sandwich was done. Then she asked, “Can we get this half off? It’s not gluten-free.” I was confused and asked, “What do you mean?” She replied, “The bread touched the table.” I explained I had disinfected everything, changed my gloves, and used a separate knife, but she raised her voice, saying, “You don’t want my son to get sick, do you?”
At that point, I might’ve been rude. I said, “If your child’s health is that important, you should always double-check before ordering. We follow protocols unless told otherwise.”
She looked stunned and stormed off, yelling, “I’m not buying that!” Her husband was nice, though, apologized, and said he understood.
I gave the sandwich to the guy fixing our fridge.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but please be kind to those of us ordering gluten-free food. Most of us do so because we have Celiac Disease or a gluten allergy. Nobody orders it if they don’t HAVE to, because gluten-free bread (or almost anything, for that matter) SUCKS.
It tastes like sadness, and it crumbles like the dreams you used to have of living a normal life. Trust me, we hate having to order the gluten-free sandwich way more than you hate making it!” SouthernTrauma
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- Great logic from the mom You better give me this sandwich for half the price because my son will get sick if I pay full price!
Didn’t you know that if you have a gluten allergy all you have to do is ask for 50% off and then all of a sudden that neutralizes the gluten! Are you an idiot? Everyone knows that allergies can be solved simply by paying less for the food you’re allergic to!
Psh… how dumb are you OP!! lol sorry about this but at least the guy fixing the fridge got a free sandwich out of it!” StaffVegetable8703
Another User Comments:
“She wasn’t willing to risk her son’s health but she would for a 50% discount? That is what she essentially implied. God, I hate dishonest jerks trying to get free stuff” Nosferatatron.
14. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be My Mother's Go-To Helper?
“I don’t want to help my mother.
My mom and I have always had a terrible relationship. She mistreated me when I was a child. I was sent to live with my dad, etc etc.
When I was 10, she had another kid, my brother, whom I love endlessly.
She was on substance use and the streets, so I (with the help of aunts and uncles) raised my brother. He thought I was his mom as he got older. Of course, he grew to know the truth, but anyway.
He is 27, lives with her, pays no bills, contributes in no way, and yes, works.
I am a mom of 2, freshly divorced, on disability (so I’m unable to work) and just getting my bearings.
I have come to understand that the person my mom used to be, she is no longer. I don’t have any hate or disdain toward her.
We have a good relationship for most parts. Amends have been made.
Here’s my problem. Every time she has a problem, she bothers and bugs me. She has a partner who just proposed and a grown live-in son. Why are you calling me for help when they are there?
For example: she calls me 8 times while I’m in class because she doesn’t feel well. I ask her for symptoms so I can help determine if she needs to go to urgent care. She complains and complains and I ask, do you want to go to urgent care?
She says yes, come get me…Ummmm, no “where’s your man and your son”, she replies that they’re in the room…THEN WHY ARE YOU HARASSING ME? They both drive; they are both competent. Why are you asking me to drive 40 minutes to take you 30 minutes away to urgent care when you have two able-bodied adults right under you?
Example 2: She calls because my brother had used all of the tissue and drank all of the water. I ask her if she’s said something to him; she responds no and asks me not to say anything. She then asks me to bring her some water and tissue.
No. Just no. Your grown son should be replenishing what he used. Why am I responsible for that? Why can’t one of them go get some or take you?
Example 3: Her Rx needs to be picked up. My brother works next to the pharmacy. She’s mad because I don’t offer to drive 40 minutes to pick up an Rx that’s 5 minutes from her home and 30 seconds from my brother’s job, which he’s at.
AITJ? I just want to say no. I don’t mind doing anything but utilize your resources, my gawd!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is called Learned helplessness. She doesn’t want to do anything and wants you to do everything. You’re her child, not her mother, not her caregiver, not her housekeeper, not her executive assistant.
As you said, she has a partner and an adult son she lives with. You need to set boundaries. The reason you have so many examples is that you’re also not doing a good job of setting boundaries. You should say stuff like “Hey mom I’m busy with my kids and taking care of them on my own.
I can’t keep hearing about what you need help with that you aren’t asking your partner and son to do. Please stop calling me when you need help when you haven’t asked them for help. I won’t keep answering calls if it’s always to just ask me to do things for you.
I don’t want to be the first person you ask. Please stop.” archetyping101
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Look up weaponized incompetence. It’s a method to control and manipulate. She doesn’t need to use it on her bf and her son, they’re already there. She is trying to pull you in too.
This is a form of emotional mistreatment. Put down some hard boundaries. Say no and stick with it. Grey rock her, if need be, or put her in time out. From having a mum like this as well: they only learn the hard way. She is an adult, she has two adults around her.
There is no reason why you should be the one to shoulder this. Edit: grammar” Fragrant-Donut2871
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Don’t take her calls when you’re in class. I read a recommendation for a son dealing with an intrusive mother to schedule a periodic phone call (e.g. once a week) and then block her the rest of the time.
You know she has two able-bodied adults right there to help her, so she doesn’t need you in an emergency.” Regular_Boot_3540
13. AITJ For Not Wanting To Share My New Pants With My Friend On Our Trip?
“I’m on a month-and-a-half long trip with my long-distance best friend of 15 years.
To sum up the trip very quickly: I’m an introvert who isn’t assertive or extremely decisive about specific plans (I’m very going with the flow) while she is an extreme extrovert who always has energy, and our dynamic on the trip has left me extremely unhappy.
We argue a lot about these things, I feel as though I’m doing everything in my power to make her happy and make the trip enjoyable but it’s at the cost of my happiness. At this point, no matter how beautiful the locations are, I don’t find myself enjoying the trip.
I’m dying to go home but we have 2 weeks left. She has points that I see and acknowledge but some things are difficult for me to change and now I’m simply drained and it’s visible that I’m not having a blast.
She has criticized me for many things, many of which I try to change because I’m aware that I’m an imperfect person. This recent fight started because she asked to borrow a certain pair of pants as we were walking around that I had just bought with the purpose of (they were cheap, it’s not about the price) wearing for most of the trip since I didn’t have many other pants and we are limited with laundry.
We started off traveling on beaches so most of my other clothes are beach clothes but now we are in cities. My response was “I prefer if not but you can if you need”. I don’t fit into many of her pants and I got worried that I would be lacking in clothes if she had accidentally stained them.
This erupted, with her claiming this was a giant red flag on my end, that I should have zero issue with giving her any clothes because that’s what she would do, and that this makes her view our friendship differently. We spiraled into talking about other issues in our dynamic and I seriously can’t do this anymore.
I was planning to come back to relax for the evening since I need to recharge my social battery but now with this fight, I can’t even do that. I’m drained.
Please let me know if my thought process during this fight was unreasonable.
I always let her borrow my other clothes, even if I don’t want to but I felt weird about this pair of pants. I’m usually a person who is protective over my belongings (like my laptop and stuff) but I’ve gone out of my way to be flexible and now I’m worried that I am in the wrong or the jerk for not just saying yes to letting her borrow them when she asked.”
Another User Comments:
“Maybe this is something that’s never crossed my mind as a guy because unless it was an emergency, there’s no chance a buddy would want to wear my clothes. It’s your stuff. You’re NTJ for not wanting someone to wear your clothes, especially new ones while traveling.
A multi-week trip with someone else, especially someone you’re not on the same page with, sounds exhausting.” cndnsportsfan
Another User Comments:
“To me, the overarching issue is you choose not to say what does and does not work best for you. I understand that you’re an introvert, but that doesn’t have anything to do with saying, “No.” The same goes for being easygoing.
Just because you are doesn’t mean that boundaries aren’t important. For example, why would you do things you don’t want to do and/or choose your friends’ happiness over your own? I encourage you to find a therapist to help you work through your issues (ie, sense of self, insecurities, how best to communicate, etc.) Because don’t you want to put yourself first in your own life?
NTJ” katg913
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, because you don’t have to share. I think you implied that you believe she WILL stain or somehow damage them. Also, you included a lot of unnecessary info, making me wonder if this is just another thing to fight about.
It sounds like she had the opportunity to buy her cheap pants. As someone who has traveled a lot, the two of you need to take breaks and do your own thing some days.” Away_Refuse8493
12. AITJ For Cutting Off Financial Support To My Parents After They Disowned My Nieces And Nephew?
“I 47F am the youngest and only female of 4 siblings. Growing up we had financial difficulties which inspired me to go to college and make something of myself to help my parents.
I succeeded and I am in a good position in my career. My brothers on the other hand didn’t go to college. Unfortunately, my oldest and youngest brother died leaving 3 kids behind.
I have helped my whole family including my only alive brother with things like a motorcycle to get to work.
I paid for his oldest daughter’s tuition and now she is a doctor. I helped him with rent and in times of need. I have helped my parents by paying off their mortgage, renovating their home 3 times, divided the house so they can rent the other half and have money for their everyday needs.
They both don’t have retirement money as I am from a 3rd world country and they worked independently never saving for retirement.
Now to the issue to make me take the decision. They are getting to the 90s and their health is deteriorating. On my last visit, I asked them to make a will as the house was under the 4 kids (me and my siblings), and knowing that 2 siblings are no longer alive I want to give my part and their part to their kids so they can have some money to jump-start their lives.
My parents then told me that they already transferred the ownership of the house to my (alive) brother and his youngest son. I asked them how come and they said I don’t have any financial need and that’s why they disowned me and my brother needs it more.
I agree I don’t need any proceeds of the house but my nieces and nephew do and what about them? They said they already made their decision and they were not leaving anything to the other grandchildren. I was heartbroken as I could only think of my dead brothers and how my nieces and nephews would react.
I asked how come I was not consulted on this decision and asked my brother if he knew and he said yes but there was nothing he could do. I told him there was plenty he could do like telling our parents it wasn’t fair or at least telling me of the decision.
Doing everything behind my and the rest of the family’s back was not correct.
Then I realized that 6 months back I gifted my brother and his wife the plane tickets to visit my parents as I knew they couldn’t afford it and that’s when they did the transfer of the house.
My parents and my brother even had a list of reparations they wanted me to pay on the house knowing that they already put the house under my brother’s name behind my back. Then, I told my parents and my brother to never call me to ask me for money for the house.
The money I used to send them now I was going to save for when my nieces and nephew were going to buy a house. I would give it to them in the name of my dead brothers. As they were gone but not forgotten.
I know my brother does not have enough money to help my parents or to keep up with the house expenses and was counting on me not knowing and keep sending them money. So AITJ for cutting any financial help to my parents after they disowned my nieces and nephew?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’ve been incredibly generous to your family your whole life, and it sounds like they took advantage of that. To completely cut out your nieces and nephew, especially after you’ve helped them so much, is just cruel. And to do it all behind your back?
That’s a major betrayal. Understandably, you’re heartbroken and angry. Your parents and brother seem to have a very narrow view of ‘need’. You’ve worked hard and earned your success, and it’s not fair for them to dismiss your contributions just because you’re financially stable. It sounds like they were counting on you to keep supporting them, even after they screwed you over.
Cutting them off financially might seem harsh, but it’s also a way of protecting yourself. You have every right to set boundaries and prioritize your well-being, especially after they’ve shown such disregard for your feelings. And it’s admirable that you’re planning to help your nieces and nephew in the future – that’s what your brothers would have wanted.” Purple_Turnip_452
Another User Comments:
“Very much NTJ. You mentioned the parent’s house was divided, at your expense. This means they do have an income, you were generous enough to provide. You have been more than kind and that kindness was used by the brother to be selfish.
Provide whatever you wish to your other nieces and nephews with no guilt. You are an amazing daughter, sister, and aunt and your sense of fairness in this situation is exactly right.” NoRazzmatazz564
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They are heartless, and in the end never really respect you because you are not a son.
They respect money more than you! Take care of your nieces and nephews, but help them with college, with the strict rule of passing all the classes with high grades. Then you won’t have to give them so much, they will be able to do more on their own.
I won’t guarantee them help for a full college ride. Tell them you will see, until then, they need to make the grades. That’s their job. Until then don’t welcome your parents and brother’s family into your house, they might go through your stuff to look for valuables.
They would. Keep your distance, and block their sad story.” Alfred-Register7379
11. AITJ For Choosing To Spend My Last Christmas As A Single Woman With My Fiancé's Family Instead Of My Parents?
“Me (F28) and my fiancé (M29) are getting married in February. He usually spends Christmas skiing with his family in France and I’ve been going with him 2 out of every 3 years since we got together.
Otherwise, I either spend Christmas with my parents alone or he stays and celebrates with me and my family (I am an only child). My parents don’t spend Christmas with other family because they all live in another country.
Last year, I spent Christmas with my fiancé’s family.
When I told my parents I wasn’t going to be home for Christmas this year either, my mother was devastated and said she wanted me home for my last Christmas as an unmarried woman and thought it was appropriate for me and my fiancé to spend it apart before our wedding in Feb.
My parents are very traditional and view my marriage as ‘giving me away’ and don’t expect me to go home very often after I get married. We are also considering a move to France next year.
The reason for me not wanting to go home is two-fold.
1) My parents do not let my fiancé stay overnight in their house, even in a guest bedroom. While we live close to my parents’ house, it feels hostile to kick him out after dinner on Christmas Day (they want me to stay the night at home with them).
2) I will be finishing my exams for my law degree in December and want to take a nice break away from the country.
I do see my parents’ point of view too. I am an only child, and I am always busy so never go home anyway, my parents’ marriage is crumbling and apparently, I am the only person keeping it together we also have 2 very old cats I am incredibly close with that likely won’t last longer past Christmas so it would be nice to spend one last Christmas with them.
However, my parents are very controlling, make up so many rules for the house every time we meet them and they aren’t particularly fun to hang out with.
On the other hand, my fiancé’s family is extremely welcoming, he has many siblings so Christmas is always so warm and fuzzy with lots of children and music and his father is also a lawyer so we have a lot to talk about.
I also love to ski and think it would be a nice way to cool off after my law degree. I can’t spend Christmas here and travel to France for New Year’s because the schedules don’t add up and the travel time will be too long.
My fiancé will need to be back for work on the 2nd of January.
AITJ for telling my parents I wish to spend my last Christmas as a legally ‘single woman’ away from my family?”
Another User Comments:
“I would recommend that you start a tradition.
Visit your parents Thanksgiving holiday weekend and you and your fiance stay at a hotel together and spend Christmas with his folks. If your folks won’t at least offer a guest room to your fiancé you should stay at a hotel with him and visit during the day.
When he leaves, you leave. Your folks can suffer the consequences of their rigid stance.” One-Childhood432
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t owe your parents anything, especially when they resort guilt tripping you into doing what they want. It sounds like they are rude to both you and your Fiance, and I certainly wouldn’t be going to a place where my partner is unwelcome at Christmas.
It sounds like you know what you WANT to do, but you’re feeling guilty about it because your parents are jerks. If you let your parents dictate what you do, you’ll resent them for it eventually. Choose the guilt of disappointing them over the resentment of hurting yourself to make them happy.” JimmyAintSure4646
Another User Comments:
“NTJ In addition to all the other points about how your parents are neglecting to welcome your partner, the expectation that you are supposed to live your life to protect *their* marriage is an unreasonable expectation for them, or you, to have.
You can’t be your parents’ marriage life support person. It’s not your place to try to do anything to fix or end, your parents’ relationship. Accepting any obligation in that manner is not healthy. If they’re putting that on you, even obliquely?
They’re even bigger jerks than I first gathered. -Rat” Ilostmyratfairy
10. AITJ For Skipping My Parents' Surprise Family Reunion The Day After My Wedding?
“I am getting married at the end of the month and we have a lot of family coming in from out of town from both sides of my family and my partner’s family.
My parents (dad and stepmom) decided that they would plan a “family reunion” the day after our wedding to take advantage of the fact that everyone would be in town. The way that they presented it to me was that this is really for everyone to get to meet my kids and my sister’s kid, whom they haven’t met yet, even though they will be seeing them at the actual wedding the day before.
They are expecting us to be at the party by NOON the next day, and wouldn’t take no for an answer. I told them that it is a lot to ask for us to be anywhere the day after the wedding, let alone assuming we would just be up and ready to go so early the next morning.
They left it at us just trying to make an effort to show up at some point, to which I said, “Maybe”.
There’s one HUGE detail that they left out when they told me about the party. It turns out that my parents decided that this “family reunion” was actually about my aunt meeting her long-lost adopted daughter whom she just got in contact with a couple of months ago.
So, it’s not at all about family meeting my kids, but for everyone to meet this new family member who will be coming into town the day before my wedding and staying with my parents. Mind you, my parents still have not mentioned this detail to me, but told my sister, which is how I found out about the true reason for the party.
My partner and I are furious that they would even consider planning such a thing the day after our wedding – the reason why people are in town in the first place. Not to mention the fact that we have so many other family members who are also coming from out of town that we would like to see as well.
It would be one thing if my parents threw a little post-wedding family get-together celebrating our marriage, but they decided to go with taking all of the attention off the wedding and putting all their energy into this get-together for someone I have never met and most likely will never have a relationship with.
So, WIBTJ if I didn’t go to this “family reunion”, even though many family members flew in from as far as California to the Midwest?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for not going, you and your partner should do what works best for you. Super shady that your parents didn’t tell you the true reason for the party, and I’d be angry as well.
The only thing I’d say is that I can slightly understand why it was planned for the day after your wedding if your family lives all over and rarely ever is all in the same place like this. But that’s no excuse for insisting/demanding that you be there or misrepresenting the true reason for it.
It’s not “for” you and your partner – don’t go if you don’t want to.” dresses_212_10028
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ for refusing to go to the event. The day after the wedding is time for you as a couple to spend as you choose.
That said, they’re not hijacking the wedding by having a family event the day after. If you weren’t planning wedding-related activities that day (and you’ve said you don’t want to be up and about doing things with people at that time) then it’s not at all unreasonable for them to make separate plans.
Your wedding is over at that point, it’s no longer about you.” MorningLanky3192
Another User Comments:
“WNBTJ if you decided not to attend the party the day after your wedding. Weddings are exhausting, and, understandably, you and your partner would want to enjoy a day of rest or time to yourselves after such a big event.
The fact that your parents planned a reunion around a long-lost relative, without consulting you, adds to the frustration, especially since the day after your wedding is still very much part of your celebration. It’s not unreasonable to decline to attend, particularly because the party seems to have shifted its focus from your kids to this relative you’ve never met.
You have every right to prioritize your well-being and the time you want to spend with your partner and other family members who came for your wedding. You can communicate this to your parents calmly and respectfully, explaining that it’s simply too much to attend another event right after your wedding.
Their expectation for you to be there at noon the next day seems a bit much, given the circumstances.” BabeDearAlice42
9. AITJ For Calling Out Family's Double Standards Towards New Wives?
“My brother recently got married and my family has been non-stop complaining about his wife because she doesn’t always dress right or say the right things in certain social situations.
We come from different backgrounds and she’s trying her darn hardest to adapt to being part of our family so everyone should just get off her case.
I think the reason the entire situation annoys me is that my cousin got married last summer and his wife doesn’t even try to fit in but because he’s the favorite grandchild nobody is criticizing her to her face 24/7.
My grandfather almost disowned him for marrying her but changed his mind at the last minute and still paid for their wedding and everything even though everyone thought she was unsuitable for him so I don’t get all of the hostility my sister-in-law faces when she’s trying her darn hardest to learn.
At the weekend we attended a dinner and my sister-in-law dressed a bit more provocatively than she should have. In her defense, she found out about the dinner last minute and wore the only thing she had with her that could work. My aunt just had to bring up how inappropriate her dress is and I could see my sister-in-law was embarrassed so I pointed out how my cousin’s wife doesn’t know how to dress or behave but nobody ever brings that up.
The cousin’s wife was wearing jeans and a t-shirt which wasn’t appropriate for the restaurant we were at. She was also just sitting quietly playing with her food most of the time and giving one-word answers whenever someone tried to engage her in conversation like a sulking toddler.
I didn’t say it loud enough for her to hear but my aunt repeated my comment loud enough to get my cousin’s attention. He got all aggressive and wouldn’t calm down so I had to leave the dinner early.
Everyone was taking my cousin’s side, including my idiot brother, but that’s because my grandfather was taking his side.
They’re acting like I said the most horrible thing when my aunt’s comment was far worse, in my opinion. My grandmother told me after that my cousin’s wife was the exception and not the rule so I shouldn’t compare my sister-in-law to her which I think is nonsense.
AITJ for calling out the double standards in the family?”
Another User Comments:
“The idea that someone who married into your family has to change who they are and dress how your older family wants is disgusting and deplorable behavior. If my spouse did not defend me and ensure the mistreatment stopped we would divorce. Everyone’s a jerk here just because the thought of generations of a family telling only the women how to dress makes me sick!” User
Another User Comments:
“I don’t understand why your family thinks they’re in any position to criticize anyone when they’re the trashiest humans I’ve read about, and that’s saying something! Mean, hateful snobs. Your intentions were well-meaning, but you ended up doing what you were defending your son from.
I know it was your aunt who made it so she’d hear, but I feel like that was her plan, and you played right into it. I hope the poor girl leaves and finds a man who will have her back and in-laws that aren’t venomous butt holes.” princess-mem
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here. You’re contributing to the drama. Yes, double standards are unfair. Yes, everyone should be treated the same. No, people’s complaints don’t have anything to do with reality. You have to realize that you have it backward. If they don’t like you, they will find any excuse to criticize you.
If she dressed perfectly, they would criticize her for making her cousin’s wife look bad. If she wore jeans and a t-shirt they’d criticize her for “copying her.” People make their judgments and choose their favorites for all sorts of illogical reasons. But they aren’t going to be persuaded to change their minds.
And they will criticize those they don’t like and forgive those they do.” 1962Michael
8. AITJ For Refusing My Dying Mother's Wish For An Engagement Party?
“My mum who lives in a different country from me was diagnosed with terminal cancer last year.
My mum (before she was sick) has always wanted me to get married since she found out I was in a relationship.
She is an Asian and a conservative Christian—just a lovely combination for a highly-controlling-and-having-absolutely-no-boundary type of parent. I am not religious anymore (my mum is not aware) and my partner is an atheist. We have been constantly pressured to convert my partner to Christianity (this is a whole other problem we’re facing).
She said she would only approve when my partner got baptized. We always have to shut off the comment by lying about going to church every Sunday and saying he would get baptized one day. Heck, from all the unnecessary pressure, we even planned to elope if we ever got married.
But the situation changed, recently my mum’s condition got even worse. The cancer is spreading even more and she is deteriorating. My partner and I are visiting her in my home country next week (which is in a couple of days), together for the first time.
When she found out two days ago, she immediately wanted to plan an engagement party. We haven’t even got engaged! Plus, financially, we cannot afford to pay for the ‘small’ party she wanted. When an Asian parent wants a ‘small’ party, you’ll be expecting around 50+ guests.
This issue has been creating lots of fights between my partner and me. My mum also used my siblings to guilt trip me and mentioned that they would help me find the engagement ring and organize everything before our arrival. Which is a big NO NO from me and my partner.
On one side, I am constantly grieving about my mum’s situation and wanting to make her happy. On the other side, I am trying so hard to stop being such a people-pleaser and stop letting my mum step all over me and my relationship. I honestly don’t want to go back home anymore.
We want our relationship to be about us and move things forward in our time. I would love to have my mum be part of our wedding. But I also don’t want to be robbed of the opportunity to get romantically proposed by my partner without any pressure and have the wedding of our dreams. Do we not deserve that?
After getting ignored when refusing through phone calls, I sent a lengthy text in a family group chat explaining why my partner and I wish not to be forced to have an engagement party so soon and even suggested some alternatives which we are comfortable with if they are willing to compromise.
They all have left me on read for over an hour now. Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are an adult and you are living your own life. Your mother does not get to make your adult decisions for you. Practicing things like, “With all the love in the world, no. We are not going to do that.” She probably wants to know that you are safe and settled before she goes, but there must be some other way to prove that to her.
You can be kind and gentle when you talk to her, but don’t let her push you around. I’m sorry for your impending loss, and have a happy engagement if you ever decide to do that.” Competitive_Cod_3843
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As someone who recently had their wedding ruined by their crazy mom, don’t let your family pressure you into this.
Value your peace, if you think this trip could be the last time you’ll see her before she passes make it your final goodbye, even if she doesn’t know that. You shouldn’t feel bad for not wanting something, and you certainly shouldn’t be forced into anything you don’t want.
Like others have said, marriage isn’t a thing to do just because. You become one and you need to know that you’re ready to become one with that person for the rest of your life.” BallFeisty9634
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But this is going to be so hard.
I don’t know how you negotiate this. Your Mom is dealing with a terrible disease, she does not even control her own body right now. And she’s shifted her focus to controlling you. My heart goes out to you.” Ok_Strawberry_197
7. AITJ For Letting My Neighbor's Cat In My House Despite Their Request Not To?
“About a month ago, a cat started wandering into my yard.
After a day or two, it started being friendly, and I bought it treats – mainly to have a way to distract it when I needed it away from my car so I could pull out of the driveway. After a couple of weeks, it even spent the night with me on my couch.
Fast forward to Labor Day morning – I find out it belongs to the neighbor’s adult daughter across the street. (We’ve never spoken to these people, until then). It wears no tags.
Well, it’ll come over a couple times a day. I’ll give it treats, play with it, I bought it food and will give it a small bit now and then.
When it comes in, it just walks around the house, curious. Sniffs, rolls around. Nothing more.
This morning, the owner saw it over here, so I picked it up and walked it across the street. She asked me to “not let it in the house this winter, because it’s an outside cat and they want it to get used to being outside.
It has an Igloo in the back, so it’ll be warm”. And I’d “much rather hear it from her, than her mother, who can be kind of a jerk”…..
I simply said OK, but internally I was screaming. No, it won’t be “warm”; not in the middle of an Oklahoma ice storm with -10 wind chills.
And if your elderly decrepit mother has a problem with it, she can hike her rear across the street and tell me to my face.
So, am I wrong in thinking that if it shows up on my property, to let it in my house and not let it freeze to death on my porch?
Because I’ll be darned if I’m gonna let that happen. In this town, we’re honestly lucky someone hasn’t shot the poor thing yet.
By the way, I looked up local code, and since it’s not wearing tags showing recent rabies or that it belongs to someone local, I could call animal control and report it abandoned as it is.
So………. AITJ for letting the cat into my entryway to warm up this winter, if it’s on my property and freezing cold, even though the neighbor asked me not to? AITJ for thinking if you don’t want people to do something nice for your animal, to keep it on your property and off of mine?
I don’t see why people want to be this way toward animals. It just blows my mind. Or that they’d have a problem with someone else being kind.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The absolute best thing you could do for this animal is to bring it into your house and keep him there.
Take him to the vet, get him checked and chipped, buy him a collar and tags, and keep him indoors-only. If the neighbors confront you then welp. OK has a lot of coyotes and cars, you haven’t seen anything but you liked having cat company so much you got one of your own. ” stillrooted
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’ve been in a similar situation, local cat hanging about my garden, very friendly. Turns out she actually was supposed to live with a family a street away who apparently couldn’t keep her in and always wanted out even in freezing cold and rain.
I’ve tried taking her back but gave up because she was always back before I was. She lives here now, though the family knows where she is. I’m glad you want to keep the kitty safe, bless you and yours.” Big_Surprise_1165
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! I believe all cats should be indoors. I hate seeing cats outside. When I see a cat outside, I want to take it home and spoil them. Plus, if it’s outside, wild life will harm it. In my county, it’s illegal to let your cats outside if they have all their shots and have tags.” pugmom83
6. AITJ For Telling My Friend She Drinks Too Much?
“I (26M) have a friend called Olivia (24F). We are really good friends and she also lives with my partner (27F). Naturally, I hang out with Olivia quite a lot, and this can range from a nice coffee and catch-up to going on a group holiday together.
But a big part of her social life revolves around drinking. She usually drinks quite heavily, at least once or twice a week, when she goes out, and occasionally with food during the week. All of our friendship group drinks, but everyone else knows their limits.
When she has only had one or two drinks, she is fine but when she drinks heavily she doesn’t realise when to stop. She will often get so intoxicated that she becomes quite a liability on a night out. Although she can still walk and talk, she gets to the point where she loses awareness of her surroundings, becomes incoherent, and makes very irrational choices.
Most of the time she can’t remember as she was so intoxicated.
One of these irrational choices is having arguments for no reason. This is exactly what happened this weekend when we went on a night out as a group of friends. In the taxi home, she rudely interrupted the conversation and made some offensive and personal comments, thinking they were relevant to the conversation we were having – these came out of nowhere.
When we got back to Olivia’s and my partner’s house, Olivia stormed off in a rage.
In the morning, I got somewhat of an apology from her. It turns out that she couldn’t remember anything that had happened and tried to say that she just gets like that when she’s had a drink and that she knows people who get much worse than her so it’s not that bad.
My partner and I thought it was a good time to tell her that she drinks too much and can’t handle it. I told her how she can get when she’s intoxicated that it happens often and that my advice, as a friend, was for her to keep an eye on how much booze she drinks so she doesn’t reach that point again.
In all honesty, I think we should have told her sooner.
Olivia has not spoken to me since then and some people think that I should have just minded my own business and not told her anything. A few people have said that she is just having fun.
I think it was the right thing to do.
AITJ for telling Olivia to drink less?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You spoke your concerns and she disagrees. Don’t hang out with people who are liabilities and are not working to change themselves. You will get caught up in their nonsense eventually, I know from experience.
Pick the right friends that vibe with the way you want to live life. Heavy drinking generally only gets worse with time unless it’s nipped in the bud. What you are describing is a heavy drinker who is young enough to think it’s just a party.
I’m not saying immediately cut them out of your life, but if they very clearly are not going to change their habits, your opinion of them will not either. You become the people who you surround yourself with.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Sounds like she’s in denial about her issue.
Drinking to the extent she does can very easily put her in bad situations, even deadly ones. If you and your partner have been present and have had to deal with how she gets when she’s intoxicated, then she made it your business. I was in a similar situation with a friend.
Where it got to the point we’d have to give extra tips and apologize profusely to wait and service staff because our friend was such a bad drinker. I told him ‘I love you, I love spending time with you, but I will not attend events, dinners, or parties with you anymore if you’re going to drink because you can’t control yourself once you start.’ It was awkward, he was hurt.
But at least when we go somewhere, he doesn’t drink at all. To be fair, I don’t order drinks either when he’s present. My suggestion is you and your partner get on the same page of where you are going to set the boundary, then talk with Olivia again and set them and enforce them.” redditeamos
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If she is ruining your nights out, then it’s only fair to set boundaries. It’s not fair to sideline any effort to do better because ‘that’s just the way she is’. All that does is double the amount of emotional work for you.
Have to choose the more responsible and peacekeeping option for both you and her just because she doesn’t want to try. It seems to her and some of her friends that her ‘just having fun’ is more important than others having fun as well.” GettingRealCozy
5. AITJ For Buying New Pans And Not Letting My Roommates Use Them?
“So I (25F) live with 2 roommates Lucy (23F) and Charlotte(27F). For a little back story I’ve been living with Charlotte for 4 years now and Lucy moved in a couple of months ago when our previous roommate moved out to go study in another country.
I like to cook and I have a way of how I want things to be done in the kitchen but because I live with 2 other people I know I can’t have a “ my way or the highway” mindset so I compromise on things for the sake of a harmonious household.
The only thing I ask of my roommates is to take good care of the pans we have (mind you we bought those pans 5 months ago). What I mean by good care is to not put them in the dishwasher and not cut straight on the pan which I think is a reasonable thing to ask.
The pans that we have are from Ikea but they have a non-stick coating which is why they shouldn’t be put in the dishwasher.
The previous pans also got destroyed because they were put in the dishwasher and were cutting on the pan and the coating was starting to peel off which could be because they were older pans.
So when we got new pans I asked them to please take good care of them and they did which I appreciated.
A month ago I left back home for summer holidays and stayed there for a bit more than a month. This is where the issue starts.
I came back and the pans were in the dishwasher and they had a bunch of tiny cuts on all of them( we have 3). This irritated me because, since I like to cook a lot, I want the utensils I use to be in good condition and 1 month they damaged the pans a lot.
So I brought up this issue to them and they said that they didn’t mind the state of the pans but if I wanted to we could buy new ones together. I don’t want to buy shared pans again for them to end up like this again.
So I bought new pans that are slightly more expensive and stainless steel on my own. Stainless steel pans need to be properly used taking care of. I told them I bought new pans but I don’t want them to use them because I don’t trust they will be taken care of properly.
(side note: when Charlotte and my previous roommate used to clean the pans by hand I sometimes had to clean them again because there was just too much grease left on them).
When I told them that Lucy understood my point of view but was a bit weirded out by this, but she moved on.
On the other hand, Charlotte didn’t understand and an argument broke out and she called me selfish and mad at me.
And then she said to me “So you’re gonna let us use the damaged ones and keep the new good ones to yourself?
We could have bought new ones together”. And I said no because I also wanted better pans. Charlotte doesn’t like to cook, just makes low-effort meals which is fine but I love cooking. She is still mad at me and makes snarky comments every time I cook.
So AITJ for not wanting them to use the pan? Am I being too anal about this? Because now the atmosphere of the apartment is just very tense and I can’t help to feel like it’s my fault.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If they want new pans after they destroyed the ones you already provided, tell them to go to Goodwill.
Lock your new pans in your room otherwise, they’ll use them without permission. If this can’t be resolved with your roommates being self-aware and apologizing, I’d recommend looking into different living arrangements for the future. Nonstick pans are already horrible for you, it’s disrespectful and obtuse they deliberately ignored your requests the minute you left. Their neglect of care could also lead to health issues if they continue to mistreat the nonstick coating (not your problem so do not feel bad).” lifetimes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ…. My daughter is constantly ruining my pans. There are now several items she is not allowed to use. Period. I paid for them. I don’t want them ruined. If she does use them, and mess them up…. she replaces them with her own money.
Yes, she’s my child, but she’s 19. An adult. When you ruin things, as an adult, you replace them. As an adult who’s bought my stuff, I can say who can use them.” Intelligent-Wolf-529
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I’d store my pans in my room.
Charlotte is always going to feel that way, so let it go. She doesn’t make any sense and doesn’t care. Let her have her feelings. It also doesn’t make any sense for you to contribute to group pans since you have done that twice and it hasn’t worked out.
“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.” sleddingdeer
4. AITJ For Painting My Nails During A Non-Interactive Work Meeting While My Mom Thinks I'm Slacking Off?
“I (F22) work from home as a software engineer.
I’m in the process of moving out but am currently at home while I wait for my lease to start. Twice a week, my mom (F53) also works from home and we’re both in the house in our rooms. My mom thinks that I’m going to get fired if I do anything that deviates from my job (e.g. spend more than 5 minutes in the bathroom, walk away from my desk to make another coffee or fill my water bottle, wash the dish I used for a meal, etc.).
I’ve had no issue with this attitude because I get where she’s coming from, but it’s extremely limiting, annoying, and borderline hypocritical because she will do similar things while working. Also, to add, despite being a new grad hire, I’ve worked extremely hard and my manager + coworkers have had nothing but positive things to say about my performance.
My final straw came today when I was in a team meeting at work. It was a department-wide call with no pressure to have a camera on, and no need for me to contribute. I was painting my nails and letting them dry while listening when she knocked on my door and tried to come in with food.
I was like “In a meeting, but thanks” and tried to get her to shut the door again, but she barged in with the food tray and saw me painting my nails and started to yell at me, saying my “head isn’t on straight” and how I “don’t understand I won’t have a job if I keep acting like this” and how she “was slaving away cooking for a child who can’t even think straight”.
Now, she’s threatening to not give me the car that she promised to give me + not help me out with moving, and I’m angry because she overreacted once again and is angry at ME. And the best part? Not even 20 minutes after she yells at me for doing my nails, I can hear the shower turn on in her bathroom during her working hours.
But she still insists I’m a jerk and know nothing about the real world. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I’d like to share my thoughts from someone who is a hiring manager, a PM, and also works in IT. NTJ. Your work is getting done and how you manage your remote time is up to you.
You were painting your nails during a call that didn’t require you to do anything but listen. As long as you pay attention, that’s fine. I usually use the time to hop on my treadmill while listening to those types of calls. During my lunch hour, I usually run to the grocery store, pop a load of laundry in, and come home and eat while getting back to work.
I get up frequently to get more tea. Nothing you are doing is wrong.” LowBalance4404
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My older parents also didn’t get WFH. I lived with my dad for a few months in between places while working as a data analyst for a software company, and he would freak out on days I didn’t go into the office.
He also thought our chat on Slack was unprofessional because people were dropping memes and gifs into it. It’s funny because he wants to work for these companies, claims it’s ageism that’s keeping him from getting hired, but won’t listen when I keep reminding him he’s just a bad cultural fit because he wants everyone to conform to the old way of professionalism.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but it sounds like maybe she’s having trouble with you moving and is looking to cause drama for you to pull back some of the stuff she offered to help you so maybe you’ll stay home. Just get out as soon as possible and keep moving forward.
Also, as an aside, as a software engineer, if your tasks are getting done on time and without any problems, no one is gonna give two cares if you get an extra coffee or go to the kitchen or whatever during the day.” anon_e_mous9669
3. AITJ For Insisting On Paying Only For My Own Food At A Group Dinner?
“Last night, my friends and I decided to try a new restaurant that one of my friends, Alex, had been talking about.
I wasn’t too excited about it because I’d never heard of it so I didn’t know what to expect, but I went along to hang out with everyone.
When we got there, I looked at the menu and didn’t see much that appealed to me.
I ended up ordering a small appetizer and a milkshake, while everyone else ordered full meals. When the food came, I didn’t like what I had ordered, but I ate it anyway because I was really hungry. Also, the food was very overpriced. The milkshake was about $8 while the fries were $6 so the total of what I ordered was $14.
When the bill came, it was pretty high since everyone else had ordered a lot of food. One of my friends said we should split the bill evenly, but I didn’t think that was fair since I had only ordered a small appetizer and a drink.
I said I would just pay for my food, while everyone else’s meals were much more expensive.
Some of my friends were okay with it, but a couple of them including Alex got annoyed. They said it was easier to just split the bill evenly and that I was being difficult.
I explained that I didn’t choose the restaurant, didn’t order much, and didn’t even like the food, so I didn’t think it was fair to pay more than what I owed. We ended up having to stay an extra 15 min because I had a card and no cash and they had to go to the register and have me pay only a certain amount.
There were a lot of people there so it took time. I was told we should have just split because now we wasted time but I still waited and paid my $14.
Now I’m wondering if I was being unreasonable because it was faster to just split the bill.
I know that a lot of friend groups split bills so I’m wondering if I was just selfish. I just didn’t want to have to play an extra $10 for no reason. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If people want to split a bill like that, it has to be known in advance.
I feel like when people know the bill is going to be split evenly, they always order more expensive items and the bill gets excessive quickly. To just lay it on like that afterward means that anyone who didn’t eat enough ends up paying for others’ share.
Essentially they wanted to split the bill on your back. If they wanted to make it easier, they should have organized it in advance. In the future, they’ll know better.” Sorchochka
Another User Comments:
“ESH. If either you or your friends had a strong POV for how payment should be done, you should have stated that from the beginning, AND explained that to your server.
Having to break out each check at the end of the meal vs doing it in the beginning is a ton of work and many restaurants will say no. I hope you tipped well.” FragrantZombie3475
Another User Comments:
“Mostly NTJ, but slight ESH just for complicating the issue with irrelevant grievances.
The only thing that matters is you want to just pay your share (which is completely reasonable). Having it be about whether you’d heard of the place before, enjoyed your meal, etc. just makes it seem like you want to pay less out of spite or something – which needlessly gives others in your group a reason to feel defensive about the whole thing.” LeatherKey64
2. AITJ For Enjoying My Childfree Vacation With Friends Who Have Kids?
“I (F38) just got back from a vacation with two of my longtime friends, “Kate” (F40) and “Mary” (F38). I’ve known them both since university, and we’ve always been close. The three of us had been planning this Bali trip for a few months, along with our husbands and their kids (they both have children under 5, while my husband “Jake” (M45) and I are childfree).
We agreed to split the cost of a four-bedroom villa three ways, and everything seemed fine at first.
Jake and I arrived in Bali earlier than the rest of the group because we had different flights. Once we got to the villa, we waited to choose rooms with our friends and didn’t mind when they both chose the ones with ensuites.
We had a great time during the trip—Jake and I did some couples activities (massages, hiking, dinners), but we also spent time with Kate and Mary and their families whenever it worked for everyone. To be nice, I even surprised them with massages to give them a break.
The only thing that made me uncomfortable was that whenever I ordered a drink (a cocktail before dinner, or a glass of wine with meals), I’d get comments like “Oh, you’re drinking again?” For context, I’m a social drinker and don’t drink often, but we were on vacation, and I didn’t think it was a big deal, especially since our husbands were drinking too.
I just ignored the comments so I could enjoy the trip.
On the last night, Jake and I made plans with the guys to go out, and Kate and Mary said they were staying in to pack. Jake convinced me to join him, and since it was the last night of our vacation, I didn’t want to stay in either.
We went out and had a great time. We got home at 1 am and I passed out straight after. The next morning was a bit chaotic with everyone packing and checking out, but we all made it back home without issue. We had booked business class seats back so we were separated during the flight and said quick goodbyes at the airport.
A week after returning home, I got a long text from Kate saying that both she and Mary wanted to reduce contact with me because I had “ruined their vacation.” They mentioned several things, like me drinking every night, that I wasn’t acting like a “girls’ girl,” that I booked different flights, didn’t hang out with them enough, and that I was selfish for not helping with their kids.
She even said I was just focused on partying and not acting my age. This message hurt me.
I cried after reading it, and I honestly don’t know what to think. I thought I was just enjoying my vacation, but clearly, they had a very different view.
I haven’t responded yet, and my husband has been asking what’s bothering me, but I don’t know what to say.
AITJ for how I acted during the trip?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They sound a bit jealous of your vacation experience. They had kids to take care of and they expected you to stick by their side, not drink because they couldn’t, not go out because they couldn’t, and they’re probably flabbergasted that you wanted to go out with the men instead of staying back with the women and children and pack.
I would respond and ask to speak in person if possible. Ask for clarification on what you did wrong and what they expected of you.” broccoli5
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Their kids are their problem, not yours. The fact that you were having a glass of wine with a meal was perfectly fine.
It sounds like they’re jealous that you were having fun and you didn’t have the extra responsibility of children. If they wanted that freedom on vacation they should have arranged for their children to stay home with family. I’d simply respond with “No prob Bob.
I had fun. Sorry, you didn’t. Maybe the stick up your backside is causing you some discomfort. You should see a Dr about that.” Country-girl7053
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your friends aren’t real friends if they are resenting your freedom. I have two kids myself, and the only person I expect to be splitting childcare with me is my husband.
I have plenty of child-free friends who I never expect to take care of my kids for me, nor feel entitled to them doing kid-friendly activities all the time. Why aren’t they asking their husbands to take the kids so they can have girl nights out with you?
I would have thought that’s like the obvious thing to do.” katebex
1. AITJ For Expecting My Husband To Unclog The Toilet Before Leaving For The Beach?
“To preface this, we have been having some marital problems so I’m unsure if I’m just upset about a lot of things going on or if this is a reasonable assumption.
So, I asked my husband if he wanted to go to the beach this morning. He said yes. Great. I was waiting for the laundry to finish so I wasn’t in a rush. He goes to the bathroom, the laundry finished around the same time and I say are you about ready to go?
He looks at me and says ya but the toilet is clogged, I need to find a plunger. I say ok if you can’t find a plunger sometimes (I know sorry gross, but) you can just mix it around a bit and throw out whatever you used.
So, I go back to what I’m doing and I assume he’s trying to find a plunger. We don’t have one in the apartment, we live in a building with a maintenance guy. So, I figured he had texted him to ask for one.
About 15 min go by and I ask if he’s found a plunger he says no he was waiting for it to drain and to try again.
I told him he’d most likely need a plunger. He tried to flush again and it didn’t work. Ok, no problem. I assume again he’s gone to find a plunger.
Another 15 min or so go by and I call out for my husband because it was kind of quiet.
I find him lying on the couch on his phone. I said oh did you text the maintenance guy for a plunger and he said no why would I do that, we’re going to the beach, aren’t we?
I said yes we’re going to the beach, but I didn’t think you thought it would be ok to leave poop in the toilet all day, I’m going to have to use the bathroom before we leave for the beach, like that’s gross.
Plus there’s the only mirror we have in that bathroom and I need it to put on sunscreen and get ready etc. At this point, he gets upset, tries to flush the toilet again, slams doors around, and leaves the house, presumably at this point to find/buy a plunger.
So, AITJ for assuming the toilet should be fixed before we go to the beach?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I’m a dude and I get that dudes are stereotypically kinda less neat but to leave poop in a toilet all day is just feral. No one wants to smell your festering poop.” Adventurous_Gene3507
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Wait hold on, but he was the first to say “I need to find a plunger.” Huh????” serpentmuse
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband low-key sucks.” Dukjinim.
