People Try Not To Seem Anxious In These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
19. AITJ For Snapping At My Partner For Continuously Farting In My Face?
“I (20F) have been with my partner “Nick” (24M) for over a year. We are very comfortable around each other. However, this means he has also quickly become comfortable farting around me.
Now, I get it, it’s a natural bodily function, but not only are they frequent and loud, but they also smell absolutely terrible.
It has also become a problem where Nick thinks it’s really funny to Dutch oven me or fart in my face. I hate this.
He has a poor sense of smell, but mine is pretty astute which means I have to deal with how incredibly rancid they are. They linger too. I have never really thought that farts are that funny and, not to sound dramatic, but I was tortured by my dad’s gas in a similar way growing up.
I have begged him several times to at least go into a different section of the room before he ‘lets one loose’. He will sometimes do it, but not consistently enough to match the frequency of the farts. I never thought I would be at my wit’s end because of something as silly as this, but it genuinely has become too much.
The other day, we were spending time on the couch together when he stood up and farted in my face and then laughed. I had already been slightly on edge from some stress I had been going through, and I regret to say that I snapped. As he was laughing, I snapped at him that it wasn’t funny, I had asked him several times to stop, and that he was continuing to disrespect me and it bugged me a lot.
He gave a half-hearted sorry, which he pretty much always does, and I told him that he clearly wasn’t sorry because he kept doing it. I told him it wasn’t about the farting, it was about the principal and the lack of courtesy, and how he doesn’t even try after I’ve asked him several times.
I did apologize for my sharp tone to him as soon as the conversation ended.
I have given him other options. I told him I could teach him how to cook so he doesn’t have to eat food that is clearly upsetting his stomach, but he says it’s too expensive.
I suggested he go to a doctor, but he reasons that it’s just farting and he doesn’t want to pay to get that checked out. Look, I have gastrointestinal problems too, but I have never farted as much as this man.
Later that day, while hanging out with one of his friends, he told them about how I had blown up at him over a fart, which I felt is an oversimplification of the problem at hand.
When he got dropped off, his friend made fun of me from the car window, saying that it was lame that I lost my cool over a fart and told me I needed to stop being so uptight. This was literally my first conversation with this friend and I felt so embarrassed and it made me feel like a jerk.
I consider myself to be pretty laid back about most things, so I don’t understand why I’m so worked up about this, possibly unreasonably so.
Any judgments are appreciated.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your relationship problems are not about the fart at all. It’s about the fact that he doesn’t respect your boundaries and doesn’t care to observe basic common courtesy around you.
He doesn’t respect your perfectly reasonable request and seems very immature. Maybe minor red flags but I bet if you thought about it, you’d find other things that seem small but add up. If this is a pattern of behavior…maybe reconsider the relationship” druidoom
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s avoiding accountability and is in the wrong. The question is this: why does he care more about lying to his friend so he can get the answer he wants, than he cares about his partner being upset? Like, why is stop so hard for him to accept?
Why is he so OK with you being disappointed in him? ” I had asked him several times to stop, and that he was continuing to disrespect me and it bugged me a lot.” – it shouldn’t require more than one conversation. It’s not unreasonable because it IS a sign of him disrespecting you AND gives you a reason to be distrustful.” Fairmount1955
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, He clearly doesn’t care about what you have to say nor does he think your opinion is valid. He is being a big bully towards you for his own selfish amusement. His actions speak louder than words. He is inconsistent with his false apologies not matching with continuous farts in your face.
He weaponized his friends into gaslighting you, if they are comfortable with being farted at, they should let your partner do it to them and see how pleasant it is. I feel bad for you. You deserve someone better and should reconsider this whole relationship.
You must put your mental health first before this jerk.” Cat_Impossible_0
18. AITJ For Wanting Alone Time With My Fiancé During Visits To His Home Country?
“I’ve (31f) been in an international relationship with my fiancé (41m) for over two years now. He’s a very social person so he has a lot of friends.
He also has a huge family (four siblings and over 100 first cousins). Needless to say, there are a lot of people who want to meet me when I visit him and because he comes from a community-oriented culture, I don’t think he understands my need to have as much alone time with him as possible when I visit.
I also have social anxiety so I get easily overwhelmed around strangers.
For example, on my last visit, one of his friends (who I never met) volunteered at the last minute to drive him to the airport to pick me up and drive us to the hotel.
I had no problem with them but when we got to the hotel, my fiancé offered to take us both to lunch. I was a little annoyed by this but I understood why my fiancé didn’t want to just shoo his friend away after he had just done him a favor.
The next incident happened a few days later when I wanted to go shopping in one of the historic marketplaces in the city. My fiancé hadn’t been there in years but his friend (the same one who drove us to the airport) used to work there so my fiancé asked him and his friend’s brother to go with us to help navigate the place.
I was sort of annoyed because I thought it would be a nice bonding experience for us to navigate the place together. My fiancé explained that some of the shopkeepers can be a pain to deal with and it would be much better to bring a more knowledgeable person along.
I acquiesced but when we got there, his friend and his brother were no help at all. He spent the whole time catching up with old coworkers and he and my fiancé ended up arguing about it.
The final straw came on the next to last day of my trip when a different friend of his expressed interest in meeting me.
We already had plans to have lunch in the downtown area but my fiancé said he could meet us at a local park when we’re done. I finally put my foot down and said I wanted us to have space and privacy. I was in his country for eight days.
Three of those days were spent with family members. I wanted the remaining five days to be just us. I didn’t want him to blow his friend off so I told him I would go along with this but asked that he not invite anyone else to meet me for the rest of the trip.
He agreed.
Now we’re planning my next visit and I asked him to restrict the visitors to just his siblings and his daughter. He was upset by this because there were a lot more people who wanted to meet me than the three people I met on my last trip and he turned them down because he knew I would be overwhelmed. I told him I appreciate that but my visits with his family are all my anxiety can handle while I’m there.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ It would be one thing if you wanted time alone, but you are controlling whom he may visit (family only) and forbidding him to see his friends. You wanted him to spend over half of the days in his country with just you.
That is selfish.” maccrogenoff
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You are in a relationship with a person from a culture that values a greater community. You have been there before so you know what it is like. If you wanted time alone with him you should have planned to meet away from his city where he wouldn’t be divided between your wishes and those of his family and friends who naturally want to meet you.” san_souci
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I think you are missing out on seeing a major incompatibility problem. There are so many reasons why this might not be a good match. You view it as important to spend time just the two of you, he doesn’t get why it makes a difference.
He seems like he likes to involve his friends in his life. Once you are no longer LDR, you aren’t going to be on vacation when you see each other. I think you will be irritated that he will still act like this after he moves to your city.
He will find friends and community and invite people along to meals.” Mysterious_Bridge_61
17. AITJ For Hating My Little Brother Because Of His Manipulative Behavior?
“I know how this sounds. It sounds entitled at first and I sound extremely ungrateful, but I can’t help it. I love him, but I absolutely cannot stand him.
My little brother, we’ll call him Mack, is nine. I (18M) and my brother came to my mom through similar situations, resulting in her adopting me at a month old, and gaining custody of him due to his bio parents having an issue with substance use after he was born.
So I get his parent’s problems, I really do. We both see at least one of our biological parents once every blue moon, and both of them tend to blow us off. The problem is, it never actually upsets him. He catalogs it to use against our mom every time something doesn’t go his way.
His biological mother took to saying he had all these different conditions, though we have been to the doctor and he has been told he has none of them. But still, his behavior gets excused and nothing else happens until he gets bad again.
About a week ago was the final straw.
She refused to let him take things from my older sister’s toddler and he absolutely lost it. He started screaming and throwing things at everyone else, telling us he hated us and putting words in our mouths in front of the neighbors. We’re both very lucky to get most of what we ask for, and I know that we are fortunate in that regard.
But he acts like my mother hates him. It’s quite the opposite actually.
When he wanted to do Boy Scouts, she sold things around the house to try to come up with the money for his uniform. He got mad at her when she didn’t immediately have it, and promptly decided he didn’t want to do it anymore.
I got a job at sixteen to help pay for his Christmas presents and he threw them all at us the day after Christmas because we couldn’t find one specific one.
From the time he’s been able to understand his words, he has told me he hates me, that I’m not his brother, or that I make him feel like doing bad things if I don’t cater to his every whim.
He should be able to walk to the kitchen to grab his food or pick his drink up off the floor when my mother asks him. He should be able to put his own shorts on. I’ve seen him do it when she’s gone. But when my mom is around, he acts like he can’t, and intentionally escalates things when she tells him he should be able to do something on his own.
We have to bribe him not to throw a tantrum if he doesn’t get something at a store, and he doesn’t listen to any of us, my dad and older siblings included. If we go to get groceries, he never picks out what he wants and uses it as an excuse to get his way ten minutes later.
I can’t stand him because of this. He always gets left to me when it’s all said and done because everyone else needs a break. It’s getting harder as he gets older, and I hate that I feel this way about him.
Am I the jerk for this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I don’t know what is wrong with him but he, you, and the rest of your family need professional intervention. His behavior might be considered a normal phase for a 2 or 3-year-old but not a 9-year-old. He is manipulating all of you, all the time; he knows exactly what he’s doing.” Sidneyreb
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You aren’t obligated to have positive feelings about someone who behaves terribly toward you. That said, he clearly has some deep psychological issues and needs help. Your responsibility is to treat him as kindly as possible under the circumstances. However, if he’s not likable (which he obviously isn’t) then how are you supposed to like him?
You can’t just flip a switch and make yourself like him when he’s screaming at you that he hates you and throwing things at you. So go easy on yourself and don’t feel guilty. You are stuck in a bad situation. Hopefully, you’ll be able to move out of this situation soon.
Meanwhile, your mom needs to figure out how to get him more help (family therapy, individual therapy, behavior therapy…)” Top-Pea-8975
16. AITJ For Pursuing A Career In Accounting Despite Wanting To Be A Doctor?
“I am 34 years old and sick and tired of trying to get my mother to understand how I had no passion to pursue a career path my father chose for me when I was younger.
As a child growing up, I wanted to become a doctor. My father taught in the same school I went to and he said the science teachers there are no good, the accounts and business teachers are excellent, so I should do accounting.
I always wanted to please my parents so I decided to forget about doing sciences and did accounting and business.
I hated it. When it was time to go to university, I did not want to further accounting and since I was good in math, I decided to pursue a major in Mathematics. I was told by my father I should become an actuary and it pays a lot of money.
I just went to university and had no passion whatsoever to complete that degree.
Fast forward to 2019, one of my former co-workers and I was having a conversation about her daughter who wants to pursue a degree in English. Her father doesn’t want her to do it, and my co-worker said she told her daughter, do not listen to your father, if this is what you want to do, do it.
She also added that she doesn’t want her to listen to her dad and do something she doesn’t want to do and in the end, she has no passion to complete it. That is exactly how I felt.
Last year I got the opportunity to work in an accounts department, and as I am getting older, I decided to choose a career path.
I realized I could complete ACCA level 2 within 18 months to 2 years. In my current job, a conversation came up about having degrees and I said to my coworkers, “As a child growing up, I wanted to become a doctor but my father told me to do accounting.
I despised accounting for years but the experience I gained last year, sparked my interest in pursuing a career in accounting, so I am going to do ACCA”. My coworker said, “Accounts is not your passion if you could only see how your face lights up when you spoke about wanting to become a doctor”.
The others agreed.
Today I was with my mom and my grandmother was there also. I was having a discussion with my mom about financial commitments. My mother came into the conversation, “If she was an actuary she would have been working for thousands of dollars”.
At this point, I am just settling to do this so I can increase my income. I explained what my former co-worker said and what my current coworkers said. I also stated it’s sad that she as a parent does not listen to how I feel and continues to invalidate my feelings.
I told her other people could listen and understand how I feel, but to this day, she can’t. She said I don’t care what you say, it’s because of your husband you didn’t finish that degree. How do I deal with that?
As I am doing ACCA level 1, I enjoy it but I can never share how I feel.
And never would.”
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ. *Mom, for 34 years I’ve been living the life Dad directed me towards. I dislike my career path and have no passion for it. It is my turn* **to live my life** *as I choose. I am sorry this offends you, but I don’t tell you how to live your life and would appreciate the same consideration from you.* Do whatever it takes to follow your dream, OP.
I have an aunt who wanted to be a doctor more than anything. It took a long time, as got a late start and she had 2 children, one of whom had very special needs. But she made it a good decade after most people do.” Dittoheadforever
15. AITJ For Letting My Husband Confront My Friend Who Was Upsetting Me?
“I (24F) have been married to G(26M) for a year and a half.
I have a friend called S(27F) who lives abroad, we only talk by phone. The other day after a small accident she tried imposing her views on my relationship and told me that I had to confront my husband; it didn’t go well and I told her to get over it.
I’ve known S for 4 years, we were close. Then 2.5 years ago I went through a phase where I isolated myself and didn’t talk to anyone for 6 months. It helped me get out of a bad mental state, but I didn’t warn her, and she was very upset.
We ended up staying friends because she said she cared about me but she never truly got over it, she’s a bit closed off when we talk and she never truly engages.
Every time I don’t send her a text for longer than a month she will send me texts like “So are we doing this again?
I’m not sure I can handle this anymore” and that overwhelms me. I have ADHD and I’m very introverted, I’m not the kind of friend who is very present. She knows it, I told her that if it’s too much for her I would understand.
She sent a text like this a week ago while I was going through a bad day, I had received a diagnosis of a neurological condition and lost it and got anxious because I didn’t understand what she truly wanted. My husband decided to send her a message because he was fed up with the situation, he asked me if he could use my phone and I said yes.
He was very blunt about it and told her that the way she was behaving was wrong; he wasn’t mean but he didn’t try to sugarcoat it, and he’s not a soft person. The worse he said was that sometimes she was being a pain in the backside.
S absolutely lost it and told me that it was unacceptable and that she couldn’t understand how I could be fine with it.
She said:
– my husband should never speak for me, that it was wrong for him to use my phone.
– that he humiliated her and that speaking in such a way to a stranger is unacceptable and that I should confront him for it.
– that my husband should’ve thought about her feelings and how he could’ve hurt her by saying those things. He should’ve comforted me if this was making me feel bad and not lashed out at her.
– that she hopes my husband is not like that with me because she can’t imagine how he must be with people he knows if he’s so harsh with strangers.
After hearing those things I told her that my husband didn’t think about how being honest could’ve hurt her feelings in that situation because what he cared about was me, his wife. I told her that what he said was justified and that even if I understood that she was sensitive and that I was sorry if she was hurt, I wouldn’t confront my husband for standing up for me.
She said she finds the fact that I accept this unbelievable and that I was wrong for not confronting my husband and standing up for her. I told her to get over it.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Nope, NTJ. Husband and wife are on the same page and the “friend” is trying to make trouble in the marriage.
It’s pretty obvious who’s the jerk and it isn’t anyone in your household.” Due_Laugh_3852
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Stop being friends with this girl. Your husband was 100% in the right to put her in her place, essentially protecting your mental health and feelings. His job is to protect you, which is what he was trying to do.
Your “friend” isn’t a friend. She’s controlling, narcissistic, and borderline abusive. You’ll be much better off mentally cutting her off, and finding better friends.” GoreGoddezz
Another User Comments:
“Everyone here is a jerk – everyone sounds very emotional. You are jerking her around quite a bit, which explains her frustration/rude text.
Your husband is acting as if the text was an attack, which it wasn’t, it was an expression of her own feelings of rejection. And she is making assumptions that are unfair based on the interaction, and telling you how to manage your marriage, which is not very useful.
I would google “rejection sensitive dysphoria.” It is a symptom of ADHD and can prevent people from maintaining healthy relationships.” Ananzithespider
14. AITJ For Wanting Nothing To Do With My Husband's Family After Their Behavior At Our Wedding?
“Me (F/47) and my husband (M/48) decided to get married on the 5th year anniversary of the night we met. We’ve now been married for over a year.
We knew my husband’s daughter was going to get married, and received her Save the Date, which turned out to be 6 days before our wedding.
I was a little upset at first, but she didn’t know our date so I got over it. Not really a big deal.
My husband’s daughter’s wedding was gorgeous, we had a great time. No drama with anyone, not even his ex-wife. I was super surprised when I saw my husband’s mother at the wedding.
She looked absolutely gorgeous, like a totally different woman! I even told her how beautiful she was that day.
At our wedding, my husband’s mother shows up in jeans and a ponytail, with no makeup. Honestly, looking like she just stopped by on her way to Walmart.
Like, we didn’t want pictures with her? But oh well. I got over it.
We also decided there were not to be any kids at our wedding. We invited my husband’s sister and her husband, invite was only addressed to them 2. Sister rsvpd all 6 were coming.
I was furious and told my husband to take care of that. He never did, because he avoids confrontation. All 6 came to the wedding, I got over it. The children are older children, but still not adults.
Husband’s Father did not come to our wedding due to his health.
I was totally fine with that. He’s miserable, and pretty much a jerk, but I do his grocery shopping for him, not his own daughter.
We received no gift, not even a card, from the husband’s mother, father, or sister. But they all sure did eat and drink at our open-tab bar!
Then Mother’s Day rolls around. We go to get our hanging plants, and I suggest to husband let’s get one for your mom, too. We take it to her. I immediately say to her upon seeing her Happy Mother’s Day! She says thank you.
Even though I’m a mother myself of a beautiful 23-year-old young woman who MIL has met. Not only that but also a stepmom to her 2 adult grandchildren. I was floored! So I got some distance. Upon leaving, I was like let me make sure she does this again so I wish her Happy Mother’s Day, and again her response was thank you!
I’m sure she had wished her daughter a Happy Mother’s Day. My husband had no clue how upset I was, but I told him all about it on the way home. His reply was so now you see why I don’t mess with my family.
We don’t see his mom much, but usually, for holidays like Christmas, she will take us all out to dinner or have us all over to her house. I told my husband, I’m out! Don’t even ask me to go, I’m not going.
And any gifts for me from her, if you go and don’t refuse them and tell her why, I will return them to her myself and let her know exactly why. And I’m definitely not inviting her to our house for anything. He was fine with that.
So, AITJ for wanting nothing to do with his family (excluding his kids)?”
Another User Comments:
“I get being annoyed by the wedding attire but your reaction to her not saying Happy Mother’s Day is pretty over the top. I don’t think you should cut off his entire family for that.
As for the presents thing, you’re both adults with adult children, presumably second marriages for you both and I’m guessing you have your lives together so I don’t think you should expect presents really.” CTMom79
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, honestly it sounds like his family may not be the best people but you are also overreacting to a bunch of stuff.
We didn’t expect any gifts or anything at our wedding, some people gave them and some didn’t. The happy mothers-day thing is a bit weird but also it’s really not a big deal. Overall it just sounds like they don’t take your relationship seriously for some reason.” firetothetrees
Another User Comments:
“I get the sense that there is a pattern of disrespect from your mother-in-law, but I don’t think your examples illustrate it very strongly. Dressing down at your wedding was rude, but much of your post is about your grievances with his other family members, not just with his mother-in-law.
The Mother’s Day incident is questionable – some people just aren’t super socially aware. Since her son (and you) were coming to her on Mother’s Day with a gift, she may have just been in “polite gift and visitor receiver mode” and not thought to return the wishes.
You’re within your rights to not be around people you don’t want to see. I’m just not sure the case you present here would be enough to push most people into going no contact.” thiswillsoonendbadly
13. AITJ For Refusing To Sign A Breeder's Contract To Purchase A Golden Retriever Puppy?
“I heard from a neighbor (N) of my parents that her friend had golden retriever pups that still needed homes because people had backed out last minute. N said they would accept around 750 (since they were 9 weeks old), which is the most I could pay for a pup and still have enough for immediate expenses such as registration fees, etc.
I messaged the contact, Wife (W). I asked if they had females, and if so what the price was. W said $2500, so I thanked her for the fast response, but that it was out of my range. W then asked what my absolute highest was and I told her 750.
W said she would talk to her husband (H) and see if that worked.
W responded hours later that they had a mixup and didn’t have a female, but had males at 750. I have a 3-year-old male and I don’t want another male to cause possible issues, so said no.
1 week later, W messages me saying they have a female because someone dropped out. At 10 weeks, the puppies should have been with the new families for 2 weeks, but I said yes because I have work RTO in 3 months, long enough to potty train. W then tried to raise the price, but I said 750 was my best.
W agreed again. W sent me a Questionnaire for references and other info, which I did. The next morning, W says H will send me a contract to sign before I go look at the pup in 4 hours.
Contract is 4 pages, legalese, with clauses such as W&H not liable for any health issues or problems associated with goldens after 2 days, regular contact with the breeder is a req, mandatory obedience classes, no breeding her, and clawback clauses with no remuneration if any of those were broken, with a WRITTEN IN CLAUSE that they could sue for $5k and all lawyers fees would be paid by me if they felt AT ANY TIME in the future that clauses were broken.
Got a contract 4 hours before I was supposed to go look. I told H I wouldn’t sign a contract, especially one with anything like that. H says we can take some out. I said that I would not sign a contract, and understand it might be a dealbreaker to not do it.
H calls me unreasonably and says they could remove SOME stuff. I reiterated that a contract was a hard no, but to let me know if that means no for them.
Finally, W reached out and said they would need a contract or wouldn’t sell, so I said ok, thank you for reaching back out.
I feel they kept moving the goalpost and hid the contract until I didn’t have time to have it looked at, and I didn’t want to sign at all (no one in my family has ever signed one for a pup, with 6 dogs in the past 40 yrs- including 2 papered goldens).
AITJ for even giving a price since it was a lowball, and then for not signing the contract after they dropped the price?”
Another User Comments:
“Signing a contract when a breeder sells you an animal is reasonable. It’s important to know if what’s in the contract is reasonable and acceptable to you.
The $5K clause might as well have been accompanied by large red flashing text saying “Do not sign this contract!”. Once you see that, even if they take it out, you know not to trust this contract. NTJ for refusing to (likely) be a sucker.” extinct_diplodocus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- you are buying the dog. What you do with your animal bought is none of their business unless you are an animal mistreater. Maybe you would also like to breed animals. NTJ- That is your business that you can do with an animal you have purchased. If you want to train your own dog, that’s your business.
You shouldn’t have to pay for obedience classes and be told what to do and how to train your own animal. Then threaten to sue you if they can’t control how you raise and keep or buy an animal. That’s not how that works.
So you buy the dog, you got two days to figure out the health issues, some don’t even show signs and some take time to show, have to pay for classes that you don’t have to legally get, and can’t train your own animal, you can’t breed and make your own money, how dare you try to make money off of your animal that they sold you, and oh if you do anything you want to do with dog that we don’t like we’ll sue you and have you pay our lawyer fees.
WHAT ???? They crazy ash. Hard no.” Lemonhead_Queen
Another User Comments:
“You can go to any pound or shelter in the country and adopt a dozen dogs tomorrow for basically free. Don’t sign a contract. Don’t give business to breeders who are just bringing more dogs into this world.
Just don’t do any of it. Find a dog, take them home, love them like family for the rest of their life.” Paragod307
12. AITJ For Wanting To Stop Financially Supporting My Mother And Sister?
“I have a sister that’s 4 years younger than me. Since childhood, she has always been given special treatment. Mum always told me that because my father didn’t like her she had a more difficult life and I’d never understand what that feels like.
I finished high school and found my own job. When I messed up I had to fix my own mess. My sister graduated high school and had college paid for while I had to work at the college to get my degree. Sis made it 1 semester and failed out because she was always too hungover to take classes.
I have always paid my own way, my sister has always had Mom paying for everything, even the booze that made her too hungover to attend class. I had to buy my own car, sister got given one. She is 42ish and never held a job long enough to support herself.
The longest she has held a job is 14 months straight!
I left the country, traveled while working, and did really well for myself. My family never contacted me or bothered to reach out. I married really well and my family was excited at all the possibilities my wealthy SO would bring to THEIR lives.
Long story short: Mom lives with us, rent-free. She doesn’t help with any chores because she breaks everything/does a terrible job of it. Mom pays for EVERYTHING for my sister while we support my mom. We pay for everything for Mom so she can support her sister.
Mom saves up all her money to pay for sis. She never had time to babysit my kid when she was younger, she had more time for everyone else but us.
Any major health issues that my sister has, mom pays for, I am never told about until I find out on social media.
“They don’t want me to worry about her” They don‘t bother telling me about it but I am paying for Mom to support my sister. I’ve spoken to Mom over the last 10 years of her living with us. RENT FREE! She doesn’t pay for food, she sits in her room and disrespects every rule in my home!
When I mention her rule-breaking she points to my daughter and says if my daughter can do it why can’t she! Every time I have asked my mother to be a part of our family(spend time with us, perhaps help out with changing sheets on beds or something) she does it for a month and goes back to her lifestyle of living as if she’s in a hotel.
I gave Mom 12 months to find her own place to live because I am tired of paying for the lavish lifestyle mom & SIS has. My Sister is insanely jealous of me and thinks I’m mean for not sharing what I have made. The only way I can make Mom stop supporting a 42-year-old deadbeat SIS is to kick Mom out and force both of them to take care of themselves and not be a burden to me.
Once mom has to pay for her own food, rent, car, and utilities I am convinced she would make her sister start living and caring for herself. I would like to sometime in the future stop living in horrendous debt, and having to support mom and sister!
AITJ?
My mom left my home country and got away from a LONG abusive relationship. I thought this would be a great opportunity for her to start a new life, establish herself, and find a place of her own. In the time she’s been here she has gathered a substantial bank account of her own so I’m not worried she will be destitute!!
I thought I’d have help with someone to babysit my child maybe once a month so I could get rest. This is THE ONLY grandparent my child has, I thought there’d be a connection. My mom never spent time with my child and now she’s a teenager, I had the same treatment as a kid..”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What you are describing is the classic ‘scapegoat’ and ‘golden child’ sibling relationship. Your mom has designated sis as the GC. That means she gets all of Mom’s love and support. You are the SG. You get whatever is left over.
Mom is simply using you. 1. You are free room and board. 2. This allows her to give her love and support to sis. She uses guilt, manipulation, lies, and other tactics to get her way with you. If you doubt this, look at the fact she compared herself to an 8yo as an excuse and think really hard about how whacko that actually is.
You cannot break the GC / mom dynamic. Neither will let you. This is compounded by the fact that sis, being enabled her entire life, sees your resources as her own and thus she is entitled to them. Your best course of action is to get them out of your life and let them figure it out.
It’s going to hurt, but they are adults. Keeping them around will only continue to degrade your mental health and drain your bank account. Bottom line: They don’t care about you. You are only a resource to be used for their own purposes. Nothing more.
I’m sorry.” [deleted]
11. AITJ For Removing My Groupmates' Names From Our Final Project After They Didn't Contribute?
“So, this happened last month or so and I’m graduating tomorrow, but I feel like I did my groupmates dirty. This was the last project of the year and I was grouped with what the teacher described as “the group that needs a lot of help”.
I was put there because the teacher probably thought I could help them, but honestly, I’m the last person who could’ve helped them. As much as I wanted to switch groups, I couldn’t. All the other groups were full.
Apparently, my groupmates weren’t informed. I only found out about that detail when I talked to them when Monday came.
Anyway, we made plans on what to do and they agreed to buy the stuff we needed. It was just things you could buy in one day, but, I don’t know why I thought it was okay for it to take two days since they could’ve bought everything in one go, but didn’t.
Anyway, once they got everything, I asked them to stay during lunch, but when we started the project making, they just watched me or chatted away while I did all the making. They didn’t initiate anything by saying, “Can we help?” or anything. They were just talking & watching.
Luckily, the other member who was always absent helped me with the technical parts. It wasn’t until the day before the deadline that was I aware that we needed to design the project and I was having a full-on breakdown which rarely happens to me.
I had to excuse myself to the bathroom twice because it was after school hours, getting dark and I was still working on the project alone while the two members just watched or ate. Basically, they were like toys with no batteries. I started panicking, and shaking, and I couldn’t stop crying because this was about the majority of our grade.
I told my friends the situation and they told me to remove their names because “buying ≠ contributing to the project especially since everyone contributed to paying”. Usually, I just sucked it up and included the names because I was scared they’d come after me if they find out.
I was there having a meltdown, but the two members still didn’t move even though I explained it to them a lot of times. My other classmates scolded them, but no use. I gave up and said that I’ll do everything myself and pass it.
The whole night, I was breaking down while I made the project work. The next day was picture day for graduation and I was there anxious, breaking down, and stressed and it did not end even when the next day came. I was so scared that even the small stuff made me cry.
It was a bad experience. I tried really hard to pull myself together.
I went to school with a project I lost faith in. I was disappointed in myself because I wasn’t able to finish it. It looked rushed. I went to pass it and told my teacher everything.
She said that the score in our group would be different since I did everything. I’m glad she understood and took it into consideration, but sometimes I would feel guilty. I just want to end this feeling of guilt and want to know if AITJ for doing what I did.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you all are at a time in your life where your actions WILL have consequences. Your group messed around and found that out the hard way. Kudos to you for stepping up and taking care of it so YOU could succeed. This is going to put you one step ahead of everyone else in the future.
Keep up the good work, OP, and enjoy your summer.” slap-a-frap
Another User Comments:
“NTJ your classmates were jerks, since it was the last year and the last project they didn’t want to do the work and left you alone to do everything. The teacher was a jerk because knew they were “the group that needs a lot of help” and instead of leaving them to figure stuff on their own left you alone to deal with all of them.” ElderberryOwn666
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Group projects are the worst! I have been in this situation so many times. If I have a problem with my group, I always make sure to report it to the teacher. I always say something like “I just wanted to let you know that I am making my best efforts however, I have a few concerns.” I list out my concerns then end by saying “Please let me know if you have any suggestions for me, otherwise I will continue to do my best!” Chances are, your teacher already knows.” happyhippietree
10. AITJ For Changing Movie Plans After My Cousin Invited Extra People Against My Wishes?
“I don’t normally resort to Reddit but I’ve been feeling a little bit confused about this all day. So as most of us
know, the two movies Oppenheimer and Barbie have started showing in cinemas and me (f16) and my best friend (f16), made plans to watch both movies.
Some backstory, I’ve not recently been hanging out with my friend that much as we both have some issues going on family-wise and therefore don’t have time or effort to hang out as much as we used to.
It’s also important to know that my friend is autistic and therefore can get overwhelmed when she’s with more than two people, so I’m there to do what I can to make her comfortable. The fact I was able to watch a movie with just her was very exciting and we enjoyed it a lot.
This morning we had planned to watch the Barbie movie and since she’s friends with my cousin (m16), we both decided he could come along as he also wanted to watch it. Me and my cousin are very close and have been through a lot of stuff together as we both grew up in a toxic household, so we’ve always been there for each other no matter what.
I am also very happy that they get along. After we decide what’s happening, a few hours go by and my cousin asks us if he can bring his friend. I said no as I had told him earlier that this was just for us three, and he’s also aware that my friend gets uncomfortable with people she doesn’t know.
After a little hissy fit about how he “doesn’t want to be the only guy there because it makes him look gay”, he agrees.
Not even an hour later he tells us that 4 of his friends want to go and he’s already told them the plans.
I become very angry and private message him saying how rude and inconsiderate he is, to which he argues back and says again how he doesn’t want to be the only guy when he goes see the Barbie movie with two girls. My friend got a little upset by this and I decided that I’d go with her at an earlier time to watch the movie, and not tell my cousin to avoid him showing up anyways (which he’s done before) The next day, my friend and I go out for dinner, watch the movie and come home and decide to have a sleepover.
8 o’clock rolls by and I get a bunch of angry messages from my cousin saying how selfish and horrible I am. Turns out he showed up with not 4, but 6 other people and was waiting for me for an hour. He ends up calling me and my friend a bunch of horrible names before blocking me.
I also got a message from 2 of his friends saying how rude I was for arranging plans with them all only to not show up. He says he was waiting for so long that he had to watch the final screening rather than the one we were originally going to watch.
My friend is very appreciative of what I did but I can’t help feel a little guilty for treating my cousin that way as he’s always had my back in the past. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He has established a track record of being extremely rude to you, inviting others when you asked him not to, and showing up when he’s not invited. He wanted to hang with the boys, that’s what he got to do.
If I were you I’d block him back, along with his jerk friends. Maybe you can reconnect if and when he grows up a bit. In the meantime,e you should not feel guilty. You should be proud of yourself for not tolerating disrespectful behavior.” NotThisAgain234
Another User Comments:
“Never support the actions of a homophobic jerk. NTJ, he needs to be dropped. He knows your friend can’t handle a lot of people, especially people she doesn’t know. You say no to one more person, and he doubles down by inviting a slew of people.
He gives you a disgusting reason why he simply can’t go to that movie with 2 girls. He has a history of barging in where he isn’t wanted, so you don’t tell him you changed the timing. He and the friends he lied to have a collective meltdown when you don’t show.
Why didn’t they just go on in? Or were they expecting you to pay for the lot of them? Block him and don’t invite him to anything else. Tell the flying monkeys you didn’t arrange anything for them, your cousin hijacked it and invited them after being told not to.
Then block them, too.” JewelCatLady
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your cousin pulled a very scurvy stunt on you–or, at least, tried to. You told him no extras, but he decided to sneak a crowd of them into the arrangement. It’s good that he blew an hour waiting for you, and you should tell him that never again will you include him in movie trips, etc. because of the way he acted. Tell him he cannot impose his will on you and you’d rather not know him anymore.
Because otherwise, he will seek always to do this again and again. Apparently, he needs to show you who’s the boss, who has the controls. You do not need someone like that in your life. If he thinks going to the movies with women makes him look gay then HE CAN STAY HOME.” RealbadtheBandit
9. AITJ For Yelling At My Parents Who Accused My Partner Of Using Me For A Green Card?
“Me(18M) and partner(18F) have been thinking about getting more serious in terms of marrying (Mind you this is years from now and we’re 5 months into our relationship). She was born in the U.S., but her mother was undocumented when she came to the local hospital. When she was born she was automatically a U.S.
citizen and Mexican citizen, meaning dual citizenship. We met in high school and started our relationship during the middle of our senior year. In the past, I’ve had several partners who, in the end, were either too promiscuous, unfaithful to me, too toxic or it just never worked out.
I’ve been told that relationships in high school are never the same as those in the “real world”. I agree with this for the most part, however, with my current partner, I see someone who I can share my life with. She is what most modern people lack in terms of being respectful, kind, smart, and overall a good person.
And that is a very rare thing to find at my age. People my age like to be unfaithful and hop from person to person.
We both know what we want to study and focus on. We both support each other in our endeavors. For instance, she is going away to college to major in psychology with a specialization in clinical and I am attending community college to become a firefighter paramedic.
With us being far apart we both know the outcome of long-distance relationships. It will be grueling, but we will make it work.
A few days ago, I talked about my partner with my parents. They asked if we both were going to take a break or ultimately break up and focus on our passions and/or regroup and start our relationship again after being done with schooling.
I said, “No, we’re going to ride it through and be together”. They unfortunately were not happy with that as they wanted me to have options and not have anyone hold me back. Especially my father. He was a bit upset with that because out of my 2 siblings, “I’m most likely to marry and have kids sooner”.
He was suggesting to have other girls on the side for when things go south. He in front of my mother suggested that I be unfaithful to her to “have more options”. By this point, I was very angry. I know my morals and would not dare to be unfaithful, because I’ve been on the receiving end of unfaithfulness in the past and know the feeling of it.
My mother on the side was only listening and not adding any response whatsoever. Then, my father made a comment saying, “She’s only with you to get a green card”. But the comment that my father made made me frustrated. I was very angry at both of my parents stating that they “don’t know anything about her” as she’s a dual citizen, and they don’t put as much effort to know her.
Including saying how they are, “awful people should both be quiet”. With that, my parents and I began shouting at each other. It ended when I found no use in fighting with them if they didn’t care at all and went back into my room.
I feel bad about shouting at them. We haven’t talked in days, and I feel a little guilty overall. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents seem to have a strong idea of what THEY want your life to be, including your familial plans and the kind of wife THEY would like you to bring home.
And do I smell some racist overtones here too? My partner was in a similar situation (we were high school sweethearts, and his parents absolutely disliked me before they even met me as my parents were divorced, and ‘would not contribute’ to our imaginary future children/careers).
We also had to do over a year of long-distance while studying. WELL… 12 years on we’re childfree, together, and living out our lives abroad and it’s FANTASTIC. Partner is in low contactwith his parents due to numerous other issues that came up, it’s the type of people they are.
They don’t care about his happiness, only ticking their own boxes. His sister, for example, has been written off due to being in a relationship with a person of color (as their babies would not be ‘normal’). OP, look out for yourself. You will have to live with your decisions, not them.
Do right by yourself and your partner and seriously consider the motivations behind the parents’ words and behaviors – I believe you will find that it is not your best interests they care about.” snekblerp
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Your parents are being racist. It might be rude to yell at your parents, but they were far more insulting to your partner.
To counter your dad’s abysmal advice: Don’t be unfaithful. Stick with the long distance, it might work out, it might not, but you can try. If you feel it isn’t working and you are attracted to someone else, break up before you do anything with the new person.
Don’t rush into marriage, or even engagement, you’ve only been going out for a few months. But that shouldn’t stop you from having a committed long-distance relationship” IlikethequietZeppo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are not the jerk for cussing out your parents who made a comment about your partner only wanting to be with you for a green card.
They were the jerks for being disrespectful, ignorant, and rude to you and your partner. They had no right to question your relationship, suggest that you be disloyal to her, or imply that she was using you for immigration purposes. They were not supportive, understanding, or loving.
They were not acting like good parents. You had every right to be angry and defend yourself and your partner. You did not owe them any respect or politeness after they insulted you and your partner. You should not feel guilty or bad about shouting at them.
They should feel guilty and bad about hurting you and your partner. I think you are a loyal partner.” DannSteeler
8. AITJ For Wanting To Extend My Vacation And Travel Alone To Amsterdam?
“My (29F) partner (33M) and I are traveling to England and Ireland in August. We’re going to my cousin’s wedding in London and an old friend of mine’s wedding in West Cork. Annoyingly, my friend is having her ceremony and her reception a week apart.
My partner has constraints on how long he can take off of work (10 days) so he’s flying back a few days after the last event.
Here’s where I might be the jerk. I want to fly to Amsterdam by myself for 4 days. Tickets are insanely cheap within Europe, around $20.
If I were to fly from Dublin to Amsterdam and back the price of the ticket from Dublin to NYC where we live would be $230 cheaper than flying home with him.
He is frustrated because I often am unable to pay him rent on the first (he owns the house we live in and I pay monthly) and feels like he has to chase me for money which I know is not cool.
For the last three months, I’ve paid rent between 2 and 8 days late. I understand where his frustration is coming from about this.
In this situation, however, I am about to be paid $4,000 for a job I’m working on. This will happen before the trip so I’ll be more than able to pay for my flights and two months’ rent.
My partner is asking that I save the money as I would be spending money on accommodation, food, etc while in Amsterdam as well as losing wages from the extended time off of work. He is saying that I should put the money aside for when we are able to take a trip together later on.
My argument is that my extending the trip does not negate the possibility of us traveling together at a different time in addition to not having any set plans on when we might go.
He is also saying that he feels obligated to go because of it being my family and my friend.
We often go to England and Ireland because of my family, I was born in London and all of my extended family are still in the UK and Ireland. He feels that he doesn’t have a say in this year’s vacation due to my obligations and while he’s happy to go to the weddings he wishes he were able to have more agency about what we’re doing this summer.
I originally was supposed to be going to Italy after the wedding with a friend of mine, but he would still have been flying home by himself. My friend ended up not being able to make it work, so this would be replacing that time.
He did ask before this how I would be able to afford to go to Italy and generally has frustrations about financial things. With the job I’m working on now, I’ll easily be able to afford the trip.
I don’t want to make him feel bad by going when he isn’t able to, but I feel like if I have the opportunity to do it, passing up on that would mean I am missing out on doing something that’s cool and pretty convenient.
I like traveling alone and haven’t been able to do so in years so that is another element of the situation.
So WIBTJ if I went to Amsterdam without my partner?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. The partner is the most realistic one when it comes to finances and being concerned as OP has shown on multiple occasions they can’t pay rent on time for unknown reasons.
OP should save some money and also take his feelings into consideration when it comes to travel plans. They don’t have to go everywhere together, but it sounds like there is already a lack of trust in the finance department and by doing this extra trip, OP may just add fuel to the flames.” olivejuicin
Another User Comments:
“On one hand, I fully support independent travel especially when there are cheap opportunities to do so. However, it’s really not cool when your partner has to chase you down for rent frequently and here you are using that money for non-essentials.
Can you guarantee him that you won’t be late on rent in the near future even if you go on this extended vacation? And, also guarantee that you’ll have enough to do a separate trip with him that isn’t always tied to visiting your family abroad?
If you can… then go for it. But if you miscalculate your finances, I think this will put further strain on the relationship.” Snackinpenguin
Another User Comments:
“Considering you’ve been late on rent several times I’m guessing you have no savings. This is not the time to go to Amsterdam, this is an opportunity to save your money so you’ll be able to pay your bills in a timely manner even when your income is inconsistent.
YTJ and don’t blame your bad financial choices on your ADHD” Only_Ad_3833
7. AITJ For Not Wanting To Pay My Ex Back After We Shared Our Student Loans During Our Relationship?
“My ex (20M) is taking me (19F) to court for money that I don’t think I owe him.
I want everyone else’s opinion on the matter.
Over the entirety of our 2-and-a-half-year relationship, we just shared our money as a household income. This basically just meant sharing our student loans as we were both in university. I got the maximum loan, and he got the minimum but I still shared my extra money with him.
I also get disability living money which I also contributed to the household. This didn’t bother me because I thought that that was just what mature relationships are like. But overall, this meant he shared about 5-6 grand of my money over the course of one year in university.
We struggled for money over summer break so he got an overdraft. I wanted to as well but couldn’t. We said that we could both contribute to it once we got our next student loans due to us sharing money.
About a month later we broke up and he expected me to still share my student loan with him and he couldn’t comprehend that people who aren’t in relationships don’t share money and he’d get all snarky stating that it wasn’t fair because he gets less money than me.
Even though that’s because he can get more from his parents, who are supportive of him before anyone asks. So that wasn’t a problem.
After this, he’d constantly harass me asking for money towards the overdraft even though I’d explained it to him numerous times.
He even asked me about money literally right as we broke up so I was in a vulnerable moment.
He stated that I’d said that same day that I’d pay the money which I didn’t, and I told him I don’t remember ever saying that but he would constantly try and manipulate me into thinking I did.
This made me fed up so I told him I’d send him £10 a month and no more because that’s all I could afford. This was purely just to shut him up. He said this wasn’t good enough so I stopped sending him money altogether if he wasn’t going to accept the only money I could afford.
Flash forward to now, he dropped out of uni and is taking me to small claims court tomorrow for £300 pounds because we couldn’t come to an agreement. I even stated to him that if his point of view makes him think I owe him money, if I used the same mindset then he should owe me the 5 grand he shared.
What’s worse is that he drives 8 hours a week to go to a sports club that costs a lot of money and has a job so he clearly can afford to do things whereas I am still in university, living off a disabled allowance and trying to find a job.
He knows I have money struggles so I think he’s just doing it out of spite.
What do you think? Do I owe him money or is he just being spiteful?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but this really a legal question. Since your court date is tomorrow, you need to be researching whatever law or legal principle your ex is citing as grounds.
Whatever you do, make the court appearance. I am in the US, but our legal system is derived from the UK and has a lot of similarities. Here if one party does not show up in court, the judge usually finds the one who does.
If your ex does not show up, make the case that he owes you thousands of pounds. Take bank records to show the money transfers.” theoldman-1313
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You will be paying interest on the $5k of student loans in your name that he used for many many years.
You should probably use the tactic that the debt is in his name so he should pay it in the same manner you are doing with your loans. It’s a pricey lesson but not the most expensive” AITASterile
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- but in future relationships, it’s probably better to each be responsible for your own debt unless you’re married or have an agreement in writing.
I know young love can be blinding, and it takes a few bad experiences to have the experience to say that though. If it helps, an agreement in writing never hurts when it comes to defining what you agree for and how you will share rent and bills when – whether with a roommate or a romantic partner.
They may not abide by it, but it is there for reference if you wind up in this type of conflict. I’m not a lawyer and can’t offer a legal opinion, but doubt your ex has much of a case.” Major_Barnacle_2212
6. AITJ For Asking My Partner's Family To Arrive After I Finish My Work Project?
“My (28F), partner (33M) family has asked to come to stay at the house we both own for Christmas this year, which falls on a Monday.
We usually spend Christmas with our families and mine has come to our home before.
I work for a high-profile company on a project that impacts millions in my country and I publish at the end of the year with the final papers going out on the last week before we break for Christmas.
I love my job and I am paid really well for what I do, I am highly educated and work in my specific field. Before, I would travel to and from the office, over an hour each way. Now, all staff work from home and are given a full setup by the company, they have closed locations because of this.
My partner asked if his parents could come on Wednesday afternoon to stay until the following week, throughout the Christmas break and a little longer. The problem is 2 fold, he works away from home and it is only me in the house when his family comes, he doesn’t do any of the shopping, cooking, or arranging of plans.
He doesn’t even put clean sheets on the bed. This all falls to me, I have asked and begged him to help – he will go to the shop but expect a specific list of ingredients and meal ideas, and he will ask If I can book activities or have ideas.
Secondly, when they come there is an expectation that I will be a great hostess because I am always am. Previously I have missed interviews, and key stakeholder meetings because he promised to be out of the house with his family by late morning. He doesn’t ask them to remove their shoes, even though our carpets are light grey and we don’t allow it.
Due to my work, I will be prepping to produce this paper for months before, the paper itself and the tables will need to be checked and rechecked and I need to be able to concentrate, which is impossible when you are not alone and have family responsibilities.
So for the first time, I have told him that his parents would need to arrive after 5 on Friday because I needed to work. His parents booked a hotel in our city for Thursday night (2 hours from their home). He blew up at me and accused me of being selfish, he said that I should go to the office and 2-hour commute is what most people do that his family should be able to come to his home whenever they want, and that I have no right to say no. His mother said that she was upset and didn’t understand why I was being like this.
I need to be able to concentrate on my work for this one week, which is a culmination of a year’s work and months of prep. So am I the jerk for asking him to tell his family to arrive after I have finished my project, I have also said that they can stay past New Year if they want.
Just not the weekdays before my project.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ after you have finished work on Friday then leave and go to your parent’s house for Christmas. Leave the lazy selfish man with the lazy selfish parents to fend for themselves. Do no shopping beforehand, no decorating, nothing.
Why are you tolerating such an unequal relationship? Why are you tolerating his incompetence in the domestic duties of the home?” pixie-ann
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- Your work is important and this is a major project. I find it interesting that your husband asked if they could come on Wednesday but when you said no he said you had no right to do so.
He just expected you to go along with it. It’s unreasonable for him to expect that his parents come when you don’t want them and also that you do most of the work that goes along with having them in your home. You are supposed to be partners and what you need right now because WORK is a quiet home for about 3 extra days.
You also need him to pick up the workload of having his parents around. He needs to step it up.” BeringC
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but your partner really needs to understand that HIS family is HIS responsibility. It should not require any extra work from you – his expectation that you should act as his family’s maid and entertainment organizer is way out of line.
This is in addition to the fact that you NEED to have peace and quiet to finish this very important work and not have to do all the prep for both of you. It doesn’t seem like he respects either you or your work and thinks you should really be the little wifey.
Is this how he treats you the rest of the time too? If so, I’d think long and hard about this relationship!” gromitrules
5. AITJ For Refusing To Bring My Partner To Help My Hoarder Mother Move?
“My (30F) mother (60F) is currently trying to move. Moving means selling a lifetime collection of books, clothes, memorabilia, furniture, etc. She’s also a bit of a hoarder so her house is full of things. Her wardrobe alone would fill a washing machine easily more than 50 times.
I am in no way exaggerating or making fun of her. This is relevant.
She called me a week ago saying that she wants me to inventory with photos and a description of every clothing item, furniture item, and book she owns. I’m not afraid of the task and I’m happy to help her so I said yes.
I’d have the whole summer to do it. She asked me if my partner would come and help. I didn’t want to make my partner take a 15-minute train trip to her house, work, and do nothing else (she doesn’t have a car, and neither do I, she lives in a village in the mountains where there is nothing to do, plus we would have to sleep separately since she’s super religious).
He also has a lot on his plate with work and with his parents being both ill. I said that I was sorry but since he was only coming to do something I could do alone, I wouldn’t bring him with me. I said I was happy to see her and help her though.
It’s the least I could do.
She took it pretty well and we ended up talking about something else. The rest of our call went smoothly. Two days ago a dear friend that was battling cancer died. I got the news, I called my mother.
Yesterday I went to my friend’s funeral. This morning I received a message from her. It’s a translation so it’s not verbatim but it’s as close as it gets.
“Don’t worry about helping me anymore… Thanks anyway… Let’s not enslave anyone since you made me feel like a jerk for asking you to come with your partner, as I always treat him like a son… You always have an attitude and make me feel inappropriate and inadequate… That’s not a problem, it teaches me to rely only on myself… Thanks anyway.”
I was fuming. I was shaking with rage as I was typing my response. Knowing what I was going through and knowing I never had ill intentions towards her, she had to shame me after not even one day from the funeral. So I told her this summer I won’t be seeing her and that I don’t want to hear from her.
She had to make me feel like a jerk for not bringing her more manpower. I also explained my partner’s situation with his parents, not that it was owed to her.
I ensured I would not get any more messages from her. I have never cut her from my life and I feel awful.
A lifetime of this is enough for me. I don’t think I want to see her again. Whenever she calls me it’s to ask me a favor. It feels wrong when she berates and shames me whenever I’m not useful to her. This feels no different from when I was a teenager living with her.
I’m sorry about the rant. I’m very sore about everything. All in a span of three days. I guess anyone would be in this situation.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m sorry – but a photo of EVERY item in her full house?!
WHY?! And, OMG! I can’t imagine the amount of work that would entail. It’s an absurd request and entitled of her to expect you and your partner to drop everything to do this for her. She clearly only thinks of herself. And now she can take on this ridiculous task by herself.
It’s a great idea to cut her off. It must be a huge relief!! NTJ” meadow_chef
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Your mother has some issues… she may even be a narcissist. She sounds very controlling and manipulative. She didn’t like the fact that the focus was taken off her by your friend’s passing.
In her eyes, she wants you to fawn over her and do her bidding… um no. I wouldn’t be cataloging her whole house either. She can do that herself… or better yet, get rid of all the stuff she doesn’t use. She won’t but she’s also likely mentally unwell with her hoarding.
She only likes you when you do what she says. There is no reason for your partner to go with you. He’s not needed to help you catalog. But she probably hates that he’s focussing on his parents and not her. I’d be cutting right back with your mother.
My guess is she doesn’t help you much and all she does is berate you when you don’t do what she wants.” KitchenDismal9258
4. AITJ For Not Letting My Son's Biological Family Visit Him?
“A little back story.
I have a son 7 years old. His father (we’ll call him DB) and I unfortunately did not work out. We split for good when my child was 2. At the time I was heartbroken because to me it felt like it came out of nowhere. He did not talk to me and tell me that he was planning to leave.
Instead, he bought a plane ticket to go live with family members that was more than 5 hours away. I also did not know about the plane ticket and it was booked on a day where he would be watching my son since he was not working and my son was not in daycare.
I found out about the ticket two days before he left. When asked what he was planning to do with our child, he advised he was going to take him but now that I know he would like to ask if he could take him.
Fast forward to now 5 almost 6 years later. He has not been back to visit my son since he left when he was two years old. He texted a whole bunch of nonsense about wanting to come and visit but things got in the way and he could not make it.
Each time there was a different excuse. I am now engaged to a man I met at work just 4 months after he left.
My son now calls him dad as this is the only man he knows. When DB found out about this through a video call with my son, he stopped calling to check in, I guess his ego got hurt.
He has gone completely M.I.A and has not even paid child support in about 8 months. I offered at our last meeting to drop child support if he would sign over rights so my fiancé could adopt him, but of course, he refused. Pride goes a long way.
Now his mother and sisters are reaching out wanting to see my son when they come to town and I said no and that I would not be introducing my son to inconsistent people. Not to mention my son is 7 and does not know that my fiance is not his biological father.
He would video call with him from time to time but my son was young at the time and just liked to show his toys to the person on the other end of the phone.
But when DB would say things about Daddy, my son would always run to my fiancé.
We had always talked about telling him but not until he was older or if his DB got it together and actually made a visit. I am being told that I am immature and need to grow up and they deserve to be in his life.
I have also been told that I need to vent and clearly I am still hurting if I am holding onto the past and not allowing them to see him. I am all for my child knowing his biological family, but the people reaching out have not seen my son since he was 5 months old and now want to enforce their title in his life.
AM I THE JERK?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are correct to protect your son from inconsistent people. A biological parent who is in and out does more harm than good. Your son has a dad. A dad who came into the situation and made an active decision to be his parent.
I would suggest going to court to get rights revoked or push for the child support payments.” cschmidtusa
Another User Comments:
“NTJ But you should cover yourself more in the event they try legal action. Don’t give them the opportunity to claim that you deny bio family from knowing their grandson etc. Instead, since you’re main issue is their consistency, tell them you have to protect their health and happiness, so you need to see a year or two of consistent behavior from them before they can meet.
Maybe send information about their family, history, culture, etc that you can use for a future scrapbook. Test them by giving them something to do regularly but isn’t interacting with them. If they do it, then you know they really want to know him. (maybe like sending a gift once a month, a book, something cheap but requires thought and effort on their part).” Otherwise_Turn_869
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The family of the sperm donor is not entitled to see your child – they have not contributed to his childhood or raising, and they have not been a support. They have also not held the biological father accountable for helping raise or financially support your son.
As some have said, you need to start the legal process of collecting child support, and getting legal full custody so that the sperm donor or family cannot come back into your life and up-end the stability that you and your fiancé have created. Keep protecting your son – but seek a lawyer and start court proceedings to have the sperm donor removed from your life.
If pride went a long way, he would be financially supporting his son – this is not pride, this is control. I would very be wary of why the family want to see your son, not that I want to invoke worry – but when it comes to custody issues, especially if he is threatened another man is being called dad, be cautious.” Jaylloyd24
3. AITJ For Refusing To Clean Up My Older Sister's Messes?
“I am a senior in high school and I live at home with my parents and my older sister who is in university (she’s 3+ years older than me).
My sister and I never got along and it always felt like she hated me. The way I summarize our relationship is during the first year, I was exposed and had to isolate in the basement. My parents were too busy to bring me stuff I needed so I would have to beg (literally beg) my sister to bring me stuff like food.
She would ignore my texts at first and then get really angry I was bothering her. Eventually, she threw some granola bars down the stairs and told me to be grateful after bothering her so much.
The worst part is that any time I try to talk to her or fight back is met with anger from my parents.
She has gotten better at how she talks to people but she still treats me the same.
Anyway, This weekend I wasn’t really home as I was hanging out and sleeping over at my friend’s house most of the time. On Monday (today), I got a text at 8 AM from my sister saying she left for work and that I needed to clean the entire ground floor of our house before our parents got home from the cottage (my sister and I were alone for the weekend at home).
This wouldn’t have been too much of a problem if it wasn’t mostly her mess. Her piles of clothes were all over the couch, dishes were left out everywhere, food was all over the sink, etc. I honestly am so tired of cleaning up her mess (literally and figuratively) that I snapped a bit.
I told her that she owed me one as I was doing all the cleaning and she hadn’t done any work or discussed this before (imagine more cuss words in there). She does stuff like this pretty frequently and she hates cleaning.
I texted my Dad hoping for some sort of support or actual repercussions for this but as usual, my dad turned it into a lecture on how I need to have more patience with her and to have a better tone.
This is not uncommon as every single time I have an issue with my sister it becomes how I could have acted better.
I basically told him I was tired of having to tiptoe around her temper tantrums my entire life and I’m tired of waiting for her to grow up.
We called and as usual, I felt unheard and brushed away. I can absolutely communicate, I have literally no problems like this with anyone else. My parents let her get away with stepping all over me and I’m so sick of babying her because of ADHD (she was recently diagnosed. Yes I understand it’s a struggle but it doesn’t change the fact that she acts like a mean-spirited, selfish person).
I was basically screaming to be heard by the end of the call as my dad kept talking over me.
I’m tired of having to be the mediator and just let things go but I hate having to act like her. I’m really on the fence about this.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Why don’t you try just NOT cleaning up after her? At your age, you don’t really need to fight about it. Just ignore her requests, let your parents experience the problem firsthand, and see how much patience they have then. If your parents get upset with you, just remind them that you are the younger child in the house and that their failure to teach your sister accountability isn’t kindness to either of you.
NTJ.” greeneyedkilla
2. AITJ For Confronting My Mom About Favoritism And Body Shaming?
“I (17F) got very upset yesterday when I was sitting in the living room quietly after having just woken up & heard my mom (47F) tell my grandma (70F) that my sister (22F) is the most beautiful child of hers. (I have 1 more brother). Before saying this she complimented all of us, saying “x has nice hands” and “y has a nice body”, but the last was a big statement that shocked me, so I turned to her and asked why she would say that & that it was wrong.
She told me to go away and brushed it off. We debated & in the end, she decided that I was wrong, and jealous, and had to accept that I’m not the best at everything. I even said, “I’m not saying what you said is untrue, I’m saying it’s wrong!” I teared up at her lack of remorse & she just laughed her backside off with her mom.
For a whole day, I avoided her, was cold to her, or even said things to make her insecure as well so she could see how it felt, I waited for an apology. Nothing. So today we were sitting around in the living room. My 2 aunts, grandma, and 2 cousins were there and I asked an aunt for her opinion on the situation, whether it was a jerk thing for my mom to do.
At firs,t the aunt did side with me but mom twisted the story and said that she complimented all the children (mind you, compliments that didn’t bring the other children down) and that I had no problem when she said I had the best body.
I explained to her that we have been telling her that the body comparisons make us uncomfortable and that it literally drove my older sis to have…issues, but my mom did not care so that’s why no one says anything about those comments anymore, because she doesn’t care.
When I argue or explain things I curse a lot and get very heated. My cousin says that I am really mad about my mom’s lack of good behavior, but I also am not perfect and am using profane language at this exact moment.
I asked how my saying “trash” offended or hurt you in any way. He says “It does. see? You have your way of being and others have their own”.
By the way, my family is Iranian and this behavior is honestly almost part of Iranian culture.
they asked why couldn’t I respect the culture if I was aware it’s a cultural thing & I said that just because it’s “your culture” I don’t have to tolerate mean words & that you wouldn’t accept someone disrespecting you literally physically just because “it’s their culture”.
Mom asks “So if you knew we all have the same culture and all tolerated this same treatment from our own mother why did you ask the fam for their opinion???” I said that it’s because of this culture that they’re all unhappy and get their faces botched & I shouldn’t have to go through that.
In the end, she said there’s no reason for her to apologize, she’s not wrong, I am. I said she never apologized and she tried to debunk that. I compared her to Dad and said I would hurt her the same way. In my opinion,n you can bring a kid up without bringing the other 2 down.
AITJ ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Just because it’s “culture” doesn’t mean it’s right. Sometimes culture just means people have been raised with and pass on bad behaviors Furthermore, a decent parent would not be ok continuing behavior that openly hurts a child, regardless of culture.” whichwitch9
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem like she’s someone who is interested in having a productive conversation about this, so save your energy. I would say, **”I love you the same, but I respect you less”** and then nothing else on the subject.
Move on with your life, knowing that people who spend time commenting on other peoples’ bodies and ranking them may not be in the best position to give advice- and if you wouldn’t take their advice, don’t take their criticism.” grey-canary
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here But I’m just going to focus on you, because mom is obvious, and you need to realize that you’re (I guess almost) an adult.
You will never have the exact same relationship with your family that your siblings do. Because you are a different person. Your family might just prefer your siblings, etc. it is time to become okay with that. And I think that’s where a lot of this anger comes from And you got heated and angry.
And started a family-wide argument. And made a much bigger deal about this than it needed to be in the moment” [deleted]
1. AITJ For Refusing To Babysit My Nieces And Nephews On Weekends?
“For background information, I (17F) and my two younger sisters (12+14) have been living with my older sister and her partner for about 2 years.
They have two kids together (2F, 1M), so in order to “pay her back” for taking care of us, we clean her house and babysit her kids. However, my older sister and her partner broke up recently so she’s been the only one taking care of us for the past 6 months.
She used to be a stay-at-home mom but now has to get a job to pay the bills since her partner moved out.
Now that she’s in school to get a license for microblading or something, she’s gone 3 days out of the week at school for about 6 or 7 hours.
This doesn’t include the times that she goes out on the weekend or during the week. My sisters and I really don’t have an issue watching the kids on her school days. But for the past week, we had to watch the kids for 4 days out of the week.
Because of this, we were a little overwhelmed/annoyed and hoped that our older sister wasn’t going out on the weekend, because none of us wanted to babysit her kids. She decided to go out this Sunday after having some friends at her house.
She left at 5:30 and said she’d be back by 8. But when she came home, it was 10 pm and her children were crying and screaming.
I was frustrated so I said that my sisters and I did not want to watch the kids on the weekends anymore.
She got mad and said she’s done a lot for us so we just have to suck it up for the summer because she deserves to enjoy her life and she said that she’s going through a lot.
I explained to her that they have a father who can watch them at the times that she wants to go out on the weekend because my sisters and I don’t care to watch them during the week.
I told her I didn’t want to watch the kids on the weekend so I could relax and have time to myself.
She said that their father doesn’t do that even when she asks, which I think she’s lying about because he has taken the kids for a night during the weekends twice (which is something I guess).
She then yelled in my face to go back to my mom’s because she was done dealing with me and that I, out of all people, should have some sympathy for what she was going through.
I feel like I may be the jerk because she’s basically been a mom to me and all my siblings for my whole life.
I feel like I should just suck it up and watch her kids when she asks me to which is what I’ve been doing. I also know my sister is going through a rough time right now after the break-up and just wants to hang out with friends.
But, I feel so overwhelmed after a couple of days of watching the kids and I feel like I’m wasting away the summer babysitting. I hardly have patience for her kids anymore and the fact that their father gets to do whatever he wants and not have to take care of his children really annoys me.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like you’re all in a tough situation, but your sister sounds like she’s using you and your siblings as a cop-out for a lot of her motherly duties.” oopssorrydaddy
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here.
Your sister is responsible for her children and should be the one taking care of them. She should not be dumping them on you and should get an official custody agreement with the ex. They aren’t your kids so are not your responsibility. You are also not her kids.
She could have handed you over to the state and been done with you but she didn’t. She took responsibility for three children when she was under no obligation to. This isn’t saying you owe her, but a little empathy is in order for her.
She is struggling right now and needs your help just like you needed her help with your mother. FYI: two nights in six months isn’t something, it isn’t even the bare minimum her ex is a deadbeat.” Awkward_Un1corn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your older sister is taking advantage of you all.
She doesn’t have to have you with her, but there is no need for her to rub it in your face. She is manipulating you by threatening to send you back to your mom’s when you both know it’s not a safe environment for you to be in.
While she may be going “through stuff” that doesn’t give her the right to force you to babysit and essentially abandon her kids to go out. Her kids need her during this time, too.” Wild-Home-4337
