People Seek Validation Regarding Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

“One of my best friends has a fiance named John. He is a very smart and funny guy who I’ve always gotten along with, but generally has problems getting along with a lot of people.

He is constantly making inappropriate jokes, saying what’s on his mind without thinking about it, offending people, and challenging authority. I’ve always respected his honesty and crude sense of humor, but for these reasons, he has always had problems holding down jobs. I’ve worked at a group home for seniors with traumatic brain injuries for about two years.

One day, my friend (his fiancee) asked me if I could get him a job at my group home. I was hesitant because of his personality, but there were open shifts at the home and I felt like I needed to help him out. So, I got him a job.

Immediately he started to ruffle feathers. I work with 8 other people and every one of them hated John within the first two weeks. I still loved him as a friend, but even I couldn’t stand working with him. He was just annoying, constantly following people around and questioning things (normal for new employees, but his way of doing it was just obnoxious and intrusive).

The first part of this incident happened like this… one of his running jokes with me was about ‘b*******s’. We would both basically just say the word randomly to each other to get a laugh. One day, I was teaching him how to change a client’s diaper.

This was everyone’s favorite client (Henry). Henry had overheard one of us say the word ‘bumpkin’ and he asked what it meant. John didn’t say anything and looked at me to see if I would respond. I have a great rapport with Henry as I’ve worked there for two years, and he asked what the word meant so I went ahead and told him.

I said ‘A blumpkin is when a man has ‘a good time’ on a toilet.’ John seemed pretty surprised that I said this to a client and he said, ‘You can say stuff like that to them?’ I shrugged my shoulders and said, ‘Well, he asked what it was.

And he’ll probably forget about it in 5 minutes.’ Then we moved on and that was that. Henry did forget about it.

Then, about a month later, things had gotten worse with John and the rest of my coworkers/supervisors. I talked to him about this several times and he actually agreed that it would be best if he transferred group homes because of how bad his relationship with our manager was getting.

The week before he was going to transfer, he was standing around talking to me while I was brushing Henry’s teeth and getting him ready for bed. This night, our supervisor was a good friend of mine who had to work with John the most and was getting very frustrated with him.

While I was brushing Henry’s teeth, John came up to him and asked an inappropriate question. Henry was not amused by this question and just scowled at John. Henry usually doesn’t appreciate crude humor like this and wasn’t in a great mood this evening.

I gave John a look that said ‘Don’t push this.’ But, he did push it.

He asked the same question again and Henry became visibly upset. He slammed his fist down on his wheelchair and yelled something at John that we couldn’t make out. I told John that Henry had been in group homes with a traumatic brain injury since he was 18 years old, so the subject of the nasty is a touchy one.

My supervisor witnessed this entire incident from across the room but hadn’t heard what anyone had said. I immediately removed Henry from the living room and took him into his room to calm him down. As soon as I got in there, my supervisor came in and asked me what had happened. Without even thinking about it, I told her the truth.

The next day, John texted me and told me that she had told our house manager what had happened and that he was being investigated for verbal abuse and got put on paid leave. He then told me that I ‘better be ready to lie for him.’ I told him I was not comfortable lying, especially since I had already told my supervisor the truth right after it happened. John got very upset with me because I told our supervisor the truth knowing that she didn’t like him, and I should have known she would report the incident and he would get in trouble.

He’s right, I should have known that, but it wasn’t what I was thinking about. I was thinking about Henry. His other reason for being so mad is that I taught him it was OK to say things like that to clients.

It’s now been about six months since this happened. John ended up quitting before the verbal investigation even concluded. He has not talked to me since.

He unfriended me on social media and told me that I am no longer allowed in his house. This has ruined my relationship with my best friend. I do feel a little guilty for ratting him out, but it was not my intention to get him fired or hurt him in any way.

I was interviewed about all of this by HR of my company and also a rep from Adult Protective Services and I told them EVERYTHING, including the ‘b******n’ incident, which was extremely embarrassing. Even though six months have passed, I still think about this all the time and am greatly saddened by my loss of friendship with both John and my best friend.

Am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“I’ll go out on a limb and say yes, in a way you are, but not for the reason you think.

You’re the jerk for not saying no when it came to getting him a job he wasn’t suited for.

That’s when you should have said no and you acted improperly.

The second time you acted improperly is when you were going along with his jokes. You should have strongly lectured him that you went out on a limb getting him the job and he needs to be a different person.

Then, you played along with the jokes until you got caught, and then you decide to be stand-up about the whole thing?

This guy sounds like a world-class jerk, but you knew that already, and you still recommended someone who was unsuitable for the job to your employer.

That set up him and your employer. On the job, you played along when his unsuitability began to evidence itself again. When he got caught, then you decided to start making proper decisions.

You did the right thing in not lying, but by not saying no when you should have when you were asked to get him the job, and encouraging him in inappropriate behavior after he got the job, you ensured it would end exactly the way it did.” Subduction

Another User Comments:

“You are, unambiguously, not the jerk.

John is not merely ‘the’ jerk, he is ‘a’ jerk. In general. And all the time.

You pulled a favor for him and got him a job, in which he immediately ruffled feathers – this shows no gratitude or respect to you, the guy who got him the job.

He should have worried about making you look bad at work.

Then, he verbally abused a client. This is incredibly unprofessional, and a generally horrible thing to do. He absolutely deserved to get fired. In fact, not reporting him would be a jerk move, allowing him to continue in a job where he clearly is causing more harm than good.

To blame you for him abusing a client and ruining your working situation – in the job you got him – is the very pinnacle of idiocy.

Why this is flared as ‘too close to call’ is beyond me.” PitchforkJoe

Another User Comments:

“Never help someone get a job if you are not sure they are good workers.

When you recommended him for the job you were vouching for him. You put your reputation on the line for someone who didn’t deserve it AND that can damage your reputation. Next time, pass on recommending a friend.

You are not the jerk. John crossed the line in a big way.

What he did was wrong and we’re right to be honest. John should not be in this line of work and he is a pretty terrible friend. It is a hard lesson to learn, but this guy seems immature and bad news. It may hurt, but cut your losses and move past this.

You don’t need friends like this.” Viperbunny