People Are Determined To Hear What We Have To Say About Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
17. AITJ For Keeping Secrets From My Fiancée's Brother?
“I recently became engaged, and I want to have a really good relationship with all of the new family members I’m going to gain.
However, there’s a conflict between me and my soon-to-be brother-in-law. I’m not sure which of us is right, so I’ll lay out the facts and let you decide.
My beautiful fiancee (Freida) has a brother (Rudy) with a son (Finn) who is fourteen.
I first met Finn shortly after I began going out with Freida. He is interested in my field of work and she asked me to let him interview me for a school project. This was about a year ago.
Finn sees me as something of a role model, which is new for me. I am an only child with no young cousins, so I am not used to being a mentor figure.
Finn sometimes confides in me about his adolescent struggles.
Rudy is older than me by a fair margin, and he is old-fashioned in many ways. He’s also quite judgemental. Finn talks to me about problems he feels like he can’t discuss with his father, including a crush he has on another boy at school.
Recently, Finn and Rudy had an argument, and Finn repeated some advice I gave him. Rudy confronted me by text later, asking if I am having private conversations with his son. I said Finn is going to be my nephew, and we talk sometimes, but not about anything serious.
Rudy said this was inappropriate and that going forward, anything Finn tells me needs to be passed on to him. He also wants me to tell him if I know any secrets Finn is keeping from him.
I denied knowing anything, which I feel guilty about. I have always considered myself to be an honest person. There’s a difference between not volunteering information and claiming not to know it. Furthermore, keeping secrets from a man about his own son does feel gross.
However, I also don’t want to betray Finn’s trust, as I think I am the only man in his life he feels comfortable going to for advice. I think he needs that. While he is also close with Freida, I don’t think most boys that age want to ask a woman about many of the common experiences of that age.
Am I being unfair to Rudy by keeping secrets from him?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It is important for Finn to have a trusted adult to talk to. Rudy has created a relationship with his son that is unhealthy and made it so Finn does not feel comfortable opening up to him.
If you were to relay information that Finn has told you, it will destroy the relationship the two of you have and could make it impossible for Finn to trust any adult. As long as he is not in any danger/illegal situations it is none of Rudy’s business what information you are trusted with.
If Rudy is so concerned about Finn not opening up to him maybe he should consider counseling sessions for him and Finn to work on building their relationship together.” Purple_Dalmatian
Another User Comments:
“Parents aren’t always in the right and kids need perspectives, feedback, someone to vent to, and/or support from adults other than their parents from time to time.
Aunts, uncles, older siblings, teachers, youth leaders, counselors, coaches, and older siblings of friends are all candidates for being that someone. Rudy is wrong to call it inappropriate and his conduct indicates he is being way too controlling -or at the very least, has lost perspective.
NTJ for keeping Finn’s confidence -so long as it is in his best interest.
If Finn is gay and Rudy is homophobic, it is in Finn’s best interest to not say anything. If Rudy misinforms Finn, it is in Finn’s interest to have the right information.
If Finn lies to Rudy and says he’s with you when he’s not -that’s a safety and legal concern.
Being a confidant to Finn does not make you anti-Rudy.” Sweet__kitty
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Closeted and questioning youth really need, and benefit from, healthy and supportive connections with adults. There’s a reason he hasn’t told his dad; betraying his trust would not only open him up to conflict with his dad but would also teach him that he can’t be vulnerable in sharing his identity or seeking support for it.
If Rudy wants to know about his son’s life, he needs to ask, listen, and show that he is a safe person to open up to.” Jwalla83
16. AITJ For Keeping My Inheritance From My Ex's Dad?
“I (30) dated my ex Jane for about 7 years.
During that time I got pretty close to her (divorced) parents, especially her father Dan. My dad passed away when I was young and Dan played somewhat of a parental role/role model for me which I really appreciated. I broke up with Jane about 4 months ago because it was clear our futures no longer aligned.
A few weeks ago Dan passed away which I was and still am very upset about. It turns out that he updated his will about 1 year ago and actually left me about 150k. We were going out at the time.
I had no clue he did this. In the will I wasn’t referred to as his daughter’s partner, it just named me. He also left money to Jane, her siblings, his own siblings, and some to charity.
After his passing, this all came out and I was very surprised that he left me something but I was grateful. It’s not a ton of money but it will be enough for a nice down payment on a house and some savings.
Since it came out though, Jane and her siblings are absolutely mad and are demanding I give the money back to them and deny what was left to me. My friend is an attorney who works with inheritance and says I’m absolutely in the clear.
He said if it mentioned me as Jane’s partner, they might have somewhat of a case but because it didn’t I’m totally fine. I have some mixed feelings on keeping it but it will be a huge help to me so I am leaning toward keeping it.
AITJ if I do?
Appreciate everyone’s feedback. I feel better about my decision to keep the gift. I apologize to anyone who was offended by my calling it ‘not a ton of money’. I just meant that it’s not enough to retire on or live largely.
I am extremely grateful for it. To answer a common question, no I was never unfaithful to Jane, we were not engaged, and there are no children involved. About 3 months had passed between our break up and his passing.
We had not connected at that time because I wanted time for everyone to cool off. I was hoping to reach out soon, his birthday was last week, and before his passing that’s when I was going to reach out and wish him a happy birthday and hopefully catch up.
I was never expecting any inheritance from him but I am very grateful.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – the will is a legally backed expression of what to do with the deceased assets. He wanted you to have that money, irrespective of the relationship.
If it depends on you being with his daughter at the time of his passing, then why did he not combine yours and hers into one amount or reference you as a couple in the will?
he also didn’t change it after you split up, right up to death – that shows the father figure was still very much part of him.
Legally, but more important – morally – you are in the clear here.
It was his written expressed wish. I’m sure the family was left a lot more. People do weird things when inheritances are concerned. sorry, you are experiencing that.” 313378008135
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
He put it down for you, by name, as something specifically for you.
You are indeed in the clear legally. Morally it’s a little more grey – yes he wanted you to have it. But you only broke up four months ago and he may have planned to update the will due to that – no one can know.
I don’t think his family are jerks for being upset – $150k is a lot of money. And you’re not family – it’s reasonable for them to assume their dad would have changed the will again and removed you from it since the relationship is over.
I don’t think either side of this is being a jerk. Personally, as tempted as I would be I don’t think I would be able to keep the money knowing that I removed myself from the family.
It was such a fresh breakup that I would understand that he hadn’t had the time to change the will, and even though he named me I don’t think I would be able to keep it in good conscience.
Depending on the family, I might return it directly. Or I might donate it to a good cause.” Ohcrumbcakes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Putting your child’s SO in your will isn’t a common thing.
That’s because everyone knows significant others don’t always last. Even when people get married, it’s not a common thing for their in-laws to include them in the will, and that’s, symbolically, and legally, a more (presumably) lasting relationship than a significant other.
He knew you & Jane may not last, you weren’t married even after 7 years, so it’s significant that he put you in the will. Even more significant he purposely left you the money unrelated to Jane, if he wanted it to be for you and Jane he would’ve just left it for her.
He wanted you to have that money irrespective of your relationship with Jane. I think you’d be honoring him by keeping it.” NonaOrganic
15. AITJ For Getting Mad About Being Woken Up?
“I get up for work at 4 am, most days of the week, and this morning was one of them. Last night my wife had to close at her work and didn’t get home until 10:30 pm.
Our toddler was having a hard time going to sleep so was still awake when my wife got home, and we eventually got her down around 11 pm.
With only five hours until I had to get up for work, I went right to sleep and was woken up ten minutes later with a question about the dog.
‘Do you think she needs to go out to go potty again?’
‘No, I took her out less than an hour ago, she’s fine.’ I went back to sleep.
Ten minutes later I am woken up again ‘Are you sure you locked the door when you came back in?’
‘Yes.’ I try to sleep.
‘Can you check?’ She’s watching the new Netflix show about Dahmer on her phone. It is obvious now to her that we are going to be in trouble.
I check the locks, and guess what? They are locked. I go back to sleep.
Ten minutes later I am woken up again. ‘I think the dog needs to go out.’
I can hear the dog loudly drinking water in the other room.
‘She doesn’t.’
‘Oh but she’s walking around. Can you take her out real quick?’ Of course, my wife can’t. Someone might see her in pajamas.
Now I am wide awake again.
‘Fine,’ I say a bit more forcefully than it probably needs to. I throw on a shirt and sweatpants and spend 15 minutes walking around while my dog sniffs, and doesn’t go to the bathroom.
I come in, lock the door, let the dog off her leash, and go to bed.
‘What took so long out there?’ My wife is still watching the Dahmer special.
‘She didn’t need to go.’
‘Oh that stinker, did you lock the door behind you when you came in?’
‘Yes.’
‘Can you go ch-‘
‘No I will not go check, It’s ALMOST MIDNIGHT AND I GET UP IN FOUR HOURS.
Let me sleep!’
She hasn’t spoken to me since then, but then again she’s probably not awake yet.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like your wife was having anxiety getting settled in after a long workday, and was so focused on ‘touching base’ with you that she lost sight of how your sleep was already shortened.
I hope you two can calmly talk about each of your sleep windows due to your different schedules. Too little sleep and broken sleep are not adequate for the rest and recovery your body needs.
Your health will suffer from long-term sleep deprivation. If you can agree that each of you has a reasonable stretch of time to be completely ‘off duty’ for sleep during a peaceful conversation, it will be easier to gently remind the other next time that it’s time you’re “offline,” and need to be undisturbed.” curious382
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I was expecting some kind of complaint about being woken by the toddler and you shouldn’t have to deal with it blah blah, but not being woken by your wife to ask you stupid petty questions and to do things that she 100% could have done herself!
Not sure if the door is locked, get up and check it, think the dog needs a wee, get up and let it out!
If she is freaking herself out with TV programs or documentaries etc, then she needs to stop watching them, but I suspect it was more that she was being lazy.
There is no excuse for her disturbing your sleep like that, especially when she knows what time you need to be up (not that she should be doing this even if you weren’t due to get up until much later).
I would suggest waking her up at 4.30 am and asking her to do stupid stuff, but that really depends on how petty you feel like being.” Sunflower_dream85
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Ask her why your word or opinion isn’t enough.
Why isn’t she trusting you?
Also, why is she watching some scary documentary in bed while you are trying to sleep?
She should know to not watch those things when close to bedtime if she gets anxious.
IS she very insecure about anything else? It could be she sees you as a soundboard. Just bouncing her thoughts and ideas on you to check if her thoughts are valid and/or correct. I’m in no way suggesting what she says is OK to do when you are in the middle of trying to sleep, you know…
It could be in that direction. IF she is awake and grumpy about the situation. Explain why it is irritating she does all of that and maybe ask why she was so anxious/insecure about it.
Then it could lead to ‘maybe don’t watch those documentaries close to bedtime if it keeps us both awake at night.’
She could’ve done/checked that all before she went to bed. Peace of mind before entering the bedroom you know… No more videos, no more thoughts about tonight or tomorrow.
That’s the thing I always do before going to bed. Before entering the bedroom, all the worries of the day and tomorrow are left at the door. (except emergencies of course)” ToastAbrikoos
14. AITJ For Not Wanting To Take My Baby To My In-Laws?
“I (31 F) recently had my baby who is now 11 days old.
My MIL has been driving me crazy. Although I am very grateful she has offered to help, My MIL insists on these crazy opinions and advice on how I should be taking care of my baby.
Pretty much her advice is exactly what the doctors tell you what not to do. She insists on having a baby sleep on his side and not on his back, something about his soft spot falling off if I pull the pacifier or baby bottle out of his mouth too fast, having baby overly bundled up even though its like 80 degrees out, having a pillow and bumpers in his crib with a lot of blankets.
It’s crazy how she has all these opinions but finds no issue with us bringing the baby out when he’s only a few days old! My inlaws live with a ton of people at their house and it gets overwhelming plus I am still healing from postpartum.
When the baby was 7 days old I had an appointment for myself so I asked MIL if she can watch him, which she did. When I came back I found out a few people had come over and were holding my baby.
One person I didn’t even know!
MIL also wouldn’t let me leave right away even though I was very exhausted and just wanted to go home. I got really angry. I try to tell my husband that his mom is being a bit overbearing but I don’t think I am getting my point across because I don’t want to come off as possessive over my baby and ungrateful.
Today I put my foot down because they planned a bbq at their house this coming weekend because grandpa wants to meet the baby. I don’t feel comfortable and it’s already overwhelming thinking of everyone that wants to touch the baby.
I told my husband that if the baby gets sick he will be the one staying up with the baby. Saying this he backed off on wanting to go to his parents. AITJ for wanting to keep my baby at home and not wanting to take the baby to my inlaws?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your MIL is on a whole other level, but your husband annoys me the most. Only with the threat that he’ll have to deal with the baby if they get sick from being passed around like a parcel, does he back off about wanting to see people.
It’s his b****y baby. He should be looking after them while they’re sick anyway.
And you can be possessive over your child while they’re a newborn. They’re your child, nobody else but you and dad gets to decide what’s right for them.
You’re still healing, your baby isn’t even 2 weeks old. I would hold off being around loads of people until at least 6 weeks, and only people who you allow can come to the house, and they’re only allowed to hold the baby with YOUR permission.
I had to laugh at her saying the soft spot would fall off. That was the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard in a while.” Gumgums66
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your priority is your baby first, you second and everyone is a distant third.
You’re a new parent. You’re learning about how to handle and take care of your new person. You are still hormonal. You’re still healing (you’ve barely started). You’re going through a lot.
As for the advice and pressure you’re getting from your out-laws: tell them that they can only do that once they take a ‘New Baby Care’ class.
Insist on it. You’re going to get pushback from everyone. I pushed back too (I raised 2 babies blah blah blah). My son and DIL insisted. Tell them to flat out ‘No class. No Baby’. Then follow thru.
My son and DIL required everyone to take the class when my grandson was born. Honestly, it was the best thing they could have done.
There have been vast amounts of research on babies and their care done since I had my children (since your Outlaws and your own parents had children).
Since my grandson was born too. A lot of things that were recommended, even required, back then have been determined to cause illnesses, and physical problems and even contributed to SIDS. You mentioned several in your post. As a matter of fact: SIDS rates have dropped dramatically with the adherence to the current recommendations.
Enjoy your little one and being a mom.
Blessed be.” halfwaygonetoo
Another User Comments:
“First of all: be possessive. It’s YOUR baby! YOU make the rules and YOU make the decisions. Your MIL should not have invited (strange) people over while watching YOUR baby.
Let alone holding YOUR baby.
Due to hormones, the world in general can be overwhelming after giving birth. What makes it extra hard is the fact that your MIL does not respect your boundaries.
About the bbq: When grandpa wants to see the baby, he can come over to your house for a while.
It sounds as if your MIL just wants to show off with YOUR baby. People get mad when a stranger touches their new car, but it seems to be normal for people to touch your newborn.
No way.
Your reaction is exactly how it should be. Don’t touch my child! People have to respect that. And if they don’t, too bad but you’re not welcome.
NTJ!” JacquelinefromEurope
13. AITJ For Feeling Used When My Dad Asked To Let My Stepbrother Stay At My Place?
“Me (23) and my partner (21) stay in a 2-bedroom apartment. My stepbrother is my age and is trying to get a nursing contract in my city for 13 weeks.
He has asked if he can stay at my place 2 nights a week for these 3 months. We have never hung out alone before, and he never texts me outside of my birthday to do anything (our parents send us reminder texts about upcoming birthdays).
We have one of those estranged relationships because my stepsister and brother don’t really make an effort to talk to me. It’s the same way on my side. We’re all just two different types of people.
I’m more of a homebody and they like clubs and shopping. I rarely talk to my stepmom. When I visit she travels a lot for work so she is always ‘tired’ and spends most time locked up in her room.
It’s been like this for 4-5 years.
My dad calls me to tell me that my stepbrother wants to take this nursing contract and wants to know if he can stay at my place to save funds for gas he will spend driving back and forth to his hometown.
For one, he used my dad as a proxy for his needs because he knows me and him have no connection. Two, a few months back when I and my partner wanted to visit for two days, my stepmom told my dad that she was not ‘comfortable’ with me and my partner being in one of the guest rooms together.
Well, I am not comfortable letting my stepbrother stay here when I and him really don’t know each other. I feel used and weird about the whole situation. My stepmom is always helping her kids out but never helps me out.
They always get free handouts because she ‘doesn’t want them to spend money.’ I get nothing. No help from them. So I told my dad I don’t like the idea and felt used. I told my stepbrother, ‘it’s a bit of an ask’ and that I ‘would think about it.’
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If he takes a travel nurse contract, it comes with a living stipend that he is supposed to use to cover his costs to pay for housing. He is required by the IRS to duplicate expenses in exchange for getting that stipend tax-free.
So, he should use some of that $$ to cover a rental. He might want to rent your spare room, otherwise, he can do what everyone else does and go to FurnishedFinder and get housing.’ Algebralovr
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
It’s fair to ask. Even by proxy as you don’t actually know whether your dad has taken the initiative in that regard.
On the other hand, you do not have an obligation and can simply say no. Without that making you a jerk.
It really depends on what kind of relationship you’d want with your stepbrother and what you’d feel comfortable with.
It seems you have some resentment towards him mostly built upon how your stepmother behaved. This might be a possibility to build a relationship without her in the mix.
Again though, that would be your (and your partner’s ) decision.” Themi_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re feeling used because you are being used. Your father married someone who prioritizes her biological children very clearly, and the father has no problem with that.
In fact, he is willing to act as the intermediary, attempting to use his position as your father and thus a sense of authority, to push you into giving his stepson your space. And given how hard they are pushing, I’m also thinking they wouldn’t even pay you for that.
I think what you need to do though is end the conversation. No, you aren’t going to make space in your home for a stranger who you have no relationship with, especially because this stranger is very willing to get your parent involved to try and force your hand and get what they want.
It shows blatant disrespect and there’s no way this would be a good living situation even if you needed a subtenant. End the conversation with your father and clear the air that it injures you that his wife clearly favors her children and gives them things, and your father on his part does nothing for you.
In fact, he just presents himself as a person trying to gain even more for her children.” JCBashBash
12. AITJ For Telling My Stepdad That I Don't Mind If His Family Doesn't Come To My Graduation?
“I’m (F) about to graduate from university this year and I’m really happy about it.
This is not the US, so I’m graduating from my major directly (not saying what for privacy reasons), my mom has been married to my step-dad for 10 years now and he has 3 kids from a previous relationship, I’m not really close to them, but I used to spend weekends and half the holidays with them.
My dad (who was also remarried but I wasn’t close to my step-mom and her kids either) passed away 2 years ago. I was a total daddy’s girl, he was my fave person in the world and I miss him dearly every day.
I also love sushi, neither of my parents liked seafood and my mom refused to eat or take me to sushi places because ‘I had to******* up for her’ while my dad did the effort, so we always went to a small place near his home.
He promised me that for my graduation he’d take me to this big sushi place in town (high-end and expensive) just for the laughs, I looked forward to it every year until he passed. I already knew that my mom wouldn’t take me, so I made the plan myself just to close that chapter of my life with my dad.
I invited both of my step and bio families (grandparents, two uncles each, and my step-parents and their kids) and I’m paying for the whole deal (expensive, yes, but I’ve been saving and I can afford it).
My mom said NO, that neither she nor her family would come and my step-dad said that we should rearrange all the plans to cater to everyone, he also said that two of his kids developed seafood allergies and it’s not possible for them to come.
I said bummer, but anyway I wasn’t gonna change my plan and they’re welcome to not come. Both my step-parents and my mom knows WHY I want this restaurant, and my step-dad said it was insensitive of me because I was putting ‘dead man’s wishes’ above my living family, I just shrugged and said that whatever he said was pointless to me and we might be able to do something the next day, but my plans will NOT change and they can either come or not, I don’t really care.
My mom has been sending me texts, calling me spoiled and a brat, but my grandparents (HER parents) told me not to listen to her and that they’re looking forward to seeing me at my dinner.
My mom also sent me some other restaurants so we can both ‘compromise’ and my step-dad offered to pay for the dinner, but I keep saying no. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, this is your graduation (congratulations by the way that is a huge accomplishment).
Your father had something special he wanted to do with you to celebrate that event and is unfortunately no longer with you but you still want to honor that special event and the relationship you had with your dad.
You invited both sides of your family to enjoy this special moment with you (with them knowing the significance of this specific place).
Now, this would be a different situation if you completely excluded your step-dad’s kids who have seafood allergies but you didn’t you said they could celebrate somewhere else the next day.
You are being completely reasonable here to want to have that moment you and your dad had looked forward to for many years. You told them they didn’t have to come and that you wouldn’t be upset because you know it’s not their thing and they can’t bring their kids.
However, your honoring the wishes of a dead man over your living family is complete nonsense. He clearly has no respect for your emotions and you have every right to go enjoy your night with your dad’s memory and some sushi.” TinyInconsiderable
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is a day about YOU and giving you closure with your beloved father that you lost. They’re the ones being selfish and acting like spoiled brats, not YOU. You wouldn’t expect someone to have a flavor of cake at their birthday they didn’t like just because everybody ELSE liked it, you wouldn’t expect someone to wear a wedding dress and have a wedding cake she hated because other people liked it more than what she wanted. Your stepdad and mom are being selfish jerks and can get bent.
I hope you enjoy your sushi dinner with your grandparents, maybe bring a framed photo of your dad with you and ask if there can be an empty chair at the table you’re at to put his photo in or something else in his memory.
If your parents can’t ‘******* up’ for ONE day – a day that is celebrating a huge accomplishment for you – then they can go get stuffed somewhere else. Preferably with a cactus. That is on fire.
And full of ants.” Dark_Moonstruck
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Also, it kinda amuses me that stepdad doesn’t seem to realize sushi places often have stuff other than seafood. Most of the sushi restaurants I’ve been to will also have stuff like tempura or noodles or chicken or veggie sushi, and unless the kids are so severely allergic that they can’t even be around other people that are eating seafood, they’d probably be just fine.
I mean, I guess if you’ve never actually been to a sushi place, that might be an easy assumption to make, but in this case, it shows a complete unwillingness to even look at a menu first before knee-jerk rejecting it.
Though even if this sushi restaurant was all seafood, no exceptions, this is your graduation, and you’re paying. They can either celebrate with you at your chosen venue or stay home. Simple as that.” RespectTheGreenHats
11. AITJ For Yelling At My Pregnant Sister For Eating My Dinner?
“I (f18) live with my mum and stepdad, and my older sister Lily (f24).
Lily is around 6 months pregnant with her first baby and moved back in after her partner dumped her.
After a long day at uni lectures, I came home and made myself dinner. After putting it on a plate, I left it in the kitchen whilst I went to the toilet and I got distracted because the family dog needed to be let outside to go pee.
By the time I got back to the kitchen, Lily had eaten my dinner. I told Lily that was my dinner and she just stared at me in silence. I went to go make some cup noodles and told Lily this was annoying.
Lily said she was hungry and said she was eating for two, and told me to shut my mouth.
I started yelling at Lily and told her she should be apologizing after eating my dinner, and that maybe she should learn how to cook for herself if she’s so hungry.
Lily started screaming at me like a demon to the point where I didn’t understand what she was saying and grabbed my cup noodles and threw them out the window, leaving me dinnerless and cup noodles.
Lily stormed out and went into her room.
I told my mum and stepdad what happened as they were very confused by the commotion. My mum told me I escalated the situation by yelling at her and by my comments and I should apologize to Lily, and that she’s probably just hormonal. I don’t think Lily is owed an apology, I think she was just being a jerk, but what do you guys think.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I’ll say this as many times as needed: I am a woman, I have been pregnant, and I’ll never understand what is up with so many people giving pregnant women a hall pass to act like absolutely despicable human beings, just because of their condition.
No amount of hormones makes you lose your ability to reason. Your sister chose to act on her impulses (whether they were motivated by hormonal changes or not) and that’s a deliberate decision. Also, we don’t actually ‘eat for two’, any doctor can tell you that, so she can quit that bull.
She ate your dinner, didn’t apologize for it, then screamed at you, then ruined your second dinner.
You don’t owe her any apologies whatsoever. She owes you three.
Enough with this perpetuating this whole stereotype about the crazy pregnant lady!
Maybe then some women would stop abusing it to do whatever they want.” Jolly_Tooth_7274
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As a woman who’s been through multiple pregnancies, I can tell you that hunger doesn’t completely overtake your brain to the extent that you can’t resist eating other people’s food.
You need more food than you might have before, but you’re still capable of thinking 1) this isn’t my food, 2) where/how can I get myself some food? You’re also still capable of feeling guilt/remorse after you do something thoughtless to someone.
She absolutely should have apologized for eating your food at the very least. She just thought she’d play the ‘pregnancy card’ and that nobody would ever shame a pregnant woman for eating something.
People don’t get this way (or at least do my stay this way for long) without someone around to enable them, and it sounds like your mom is filling that role.
She and your sister are both jerks.” thats_not_mustard
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Hormones don’t excuse selfish entitled behavior and even if hormones cause an overreaction you apologize instead of doubling down.
While women are obviously hungry during pregnancy, it isn’t an excuse for essentially stealing food that anyone would know was intended for the person who plated it.
I am sure there was food in the house for her to eat if she wasn’t hungry even if she didn’t want to take the time to cook it.
She is a 24-year-old woman who is acting like a 6-year-old child.
Presumably, she can either cook or forage around for food that can be eaten easily – sandwiches, cheese, cereal, etc. And she should act like an adult and possibly go to the grocery store and buy food that she can prepare easily.
How is she going to handle feeding a child if she can’t manage to feed herself.” Jujulabee
10. AITJ For Not Wanting To Get A Matching Thing With My Stepbrother?
“This is about me (16m) and my stepbrother (14m). We’ve been stepbrothers for 7 years now.
His dad married my mom. He’s an only child. I have a brother who died when I was 7, along with our dad. We were tight. He’d been so close to me. We were only a year apart and when we were small our dad bought us these nice matching watches and we’d grow into.
They had been inscribed with brothers forever and our names. He never got big enough to wear his. It destroyed me and mom when they were gone. She met her husband at a grief group.
He’d lost his parents who were the only support he and his son had. He was an only kid himself and his ex left him when their son was born. My mom kinda rushed her marriage, for me at least, but I know she was also chasing the feeling of having her feet on the ground again.
I know she felt lost without a dad and my brother.
My stepbrother bonded a lot more with me than I ever have with him. He’s alright. I don’t love him but I accept that he’s part of the reason my mom smiles again which is good.
There’s only one brother I have ever loved or truly cared about though and he’s gone.
My stepbrother knows about the matching watches. He brought them up before, asked about them, and said we should do our own brother-matching thing.
I never liked the idea and hoped he would forget about it. A couple of months ago he told his dad he really wanted to do something like that with me, to cement our bond as brothers.
His dad talked to my mom and she asked me. She said it seemed like such a lovely idea. I told her I wasn’t interested. We talked about it a lot, multiple times. She asked if there would ever be a time I’d be more open to it or if there was something any of them could do to make it something I would want.
I told her how I felt. She was sad. I think both for my stepbrother but also for the future she had hoped we could all have together (I know her dream was that we’d be close and he could give me another close sibling bond).
She never pushed anything on me though.
About two weeks ago my stepbrother told me he’d seen these cool shell necklace/chain thing and thought we could do the inscription thing on those and make them our brother thing.
I told him I wasn’t really into that. He went to tell his dad that what they bought wouldn’t work because I wouldn’t like it. Then he came back to me and asked what I’d like for us instead.
I told him I didn’t want to do a brother thing with him. That it was nothing against him but it was something special that I had with my brother and I wouldn’t do it with anyone else.
He didn’t like that and stormed off. Then his dad found out I had said that and he told me I didn’t need to hurt his son’s feelings and could I not have done it for my ‘baby brother’.
I kicked him out of my room. My mom came home to her husband mad and none of us talking. The two of them are still mad at me and my mom is so upset.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, except maybe a little bit your mother’s husband.
You’re not a jerk for not seeing stepbro in the same light as you saw your brother.
Stepbro isn’t a jerk for being a 14-year-old kid upset and withdrawing after having to face the fact that his ‘cool older brother’ doesn’t want to have that dynamic with him.
Stepbro’s dad is being unfair to you but also sees his son hurting, badly, because you wouldn’t do something as ‘easy’ as wear some silly trinket to keep your stepbrother’s hair (even though there’s so much more to it than that).
But adults aren’t perfect – he may not fully understand what it would mean to you or maybe empathizing too strongly with his son to clearly hear what you are trying to tell him.
Light jerk, but give it some time.
You are probably right about your mom grieving the family she hoped you all would become – I’m glad it sounds like she understands your stance even as she wishes it was different.
All in all just a sucky situation. Best of luck finding a dynamic that all of you find satisfying.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your stepbrother wants to bond with you but just isn’t realizing that trying to force a recreation of the watches is painful for you because you want to keep that bond with your late brother.
Maybe talk to your mom again about how meaningful the watches were to you and how painful it is to you that your stepfather and stepbrother keep forcing the issue. Your stepbrother may not understand how you are still grieving the loss of your brother but your stepfather is old enough to know better.
Maybe you can brainstorm something completely different that you can do with your stepbrother that would make him feel better without stepping on your history with your brother. Maybe have the parents take you both to an activity once a month for ‘brother bonding day’ or something.” Key-Bit1208
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. The best I can suggest here is that you try to spend time with your stepbrother. The necklaces are too similar to the watches and don’t feel authentic.
So. What do you and your stepbrother have in common? Is there an annual tradition you could create with him of something you both like? Fishing? Camping? Arts & Crafts Fair? Concert? Trick or treating?
Bake Christmas cookies?
If it’s only annual, maybe a holiday thing so that you could still do it when you come home from college. One day a year for a few hours is not such a big commitment.
And he’d feel like you have a special tradition just the two of you.
It doesn’t have to be a love story. You don’t have to be BFFs. But can you spend time with him alone?
Without your parents. Appreciate your relationship for what it is instead of comparing it to what you had with your brother.
I understand it’s hard, but try to imagine from his point of view – he knows you and your mom wish you had your brother back and he’ll never be able to replace him.
As a kid, I wonder if he felt pressure to do that (even if it was unintentional). I think he just wants to know you care. And you care enough to post here. So maybe consider my idea.
I’ll absolutely never say you’re a jerk if you don’t. But I hope you’ll consider it. So sorry about your brother.” SingleAlfredoFemale
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
What you had with your brother was special and you’re very lucky that you have a very sentimental keepsake.
Your stepbrother trying to replicate that is never going to work out. But, he’s young and I guess he sees how much the watch means to you and thinks that you and he could someday have the same.
He won’t mean it in a malicious way, like trying to replace your brother. I think he probably doesn’t understand the grief. How could he, he hasn’t been through it.
If you look at things from your step brothers perspective, you are the brother he’s always wanted, he was an only child before this.
and now that he has you, you’re pushing him away. Which is why he was pushing for a matching something or other.
Maybe you could sit down with your stepbrother and try and explain things to him.
Like, it’s not that you don’t care about him, it’s just that replicating something you had with your brother feels like you’re taking away from something that was/is so special.
Maybe one day you can find your own thing with your stepbrother.” heymallorie
9. AITJ For Evicting My Nephew And Niece?
“I (M38) let my nephew (Nick, 20) and his sister (Sadie, 18) move into my old apartment to stay rent-free and focus on college. This isn’t a new thing because I’ve always been close to them and helped them and their parents (my brother and his deceased wife) a lot.
This situation started when my wife and I found out that my wife’s pre-existing health issues had made her infertile. This was so devastating for the whole family, not just us.
My wife told me about a series of calls she received via our landline.
She said the caller would just play a recording of baby noises and phrases like ‘mama’ every single time. We’d get at least 4-5 calls a day and I’ve listened to the last two of them.
all had the same baby sounds. We figured it was someone mocking my wife’s fertility issues but didn’t know who it was because we’d told a lot of people about it.
I told this to my friend about it, and he was able to identify the caller as my nephew Nick and then my niece Sadie.
I was in shock and it took me some time to actually believe what I was told. After it was confirmed, I just had a breakdown and went over to the apartment and confronted them.
They denied it til I threatened to evict them. They said they did this as a prank that was directed at my WIFE, not ME and they thought it was to get her to laugh or something.
I called them idiots because not only my wife didn’t laugh, but she cried her eyes out every time we got those awful prank calls. I told them I want them out of my apartment and gave them eviction papers.
They freaked out and started pleading with me til I left.
They had my brother call me later to ask about what was going on. I told him and started apologizing on their behalf saying they were kids just messing around not realizing what they were doing.
he went on about how evicting them will affect them and him since he’s struggling with his own situation. I said I know he’s a widower, he’s struggling but my decision will stand. He started begging me to let it go and promised to have Nick and Sadie ‘grovel’ with apologies but I refused.
Now my parents got involved saying the kids’ dad is choosing to have nothing to do with them if they get evicted and said that the kids look up to me and I shouldn’t let what happened to ruin the relationship we have.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! You can’t convince me that those young adults (NOT KIDS) thought that would be something that would make either of you happy. And they admitted to targeting your wife specifically which is also weird because it’s a struggle you’re going through as a couple wouldn’t you need the ‘smiles’ too?
And why just play sounds and not speak unless you’re worried your familiar voices would incriminate you and do it multiple times across DAYS? I’m sure everyone saying ‘but they’re kids’ would find it absolutely hilarious if somebody were to call your niece and nephew with voice clips of their mother… or would that be the line?
I can’t stand when people get slapped in the face with direct consequences for their nonsense and somehow people justify crying foul on their behalf. Oh and my last bit of evidence they knew they were dead wrong doing what they were doing is that they would’ve admitted it outright if it wasn’t intended to be malicious… My b***d is approaching boiling and I don’t even know either of you.
I wish you and your wife nothing but the best going forward.” z00k33per0304
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. 20 and 18? They are adults, not kids.
Adults staying in an apartment they don’t own, as a favor.
This action was so very cruel, and they repeated it for days, and never once thought of how it was cruel.
Refusing to change your decision is the right thing to do. They are adults, who did something wrong, and should be held accountable for it.
They did a very cruel thing, and have damaged several relationships with this behavior. They have broken all trust between you two and them. All the consequences of their actions are their own fault.
It’s reasonable to stand by your decision.
I’d send a written notice, or tape it to the door, too. Just in case they try to pretend they didn’t understand.
It’s reasonable to tell your parents that you won’t be discussing them again, not for now, maybe not for the next year, maybe longer.
This is fresh pain, on top of fresh pain. You and your wife need space to process it all. You don’t need to hear about them or what they want. They made a cruel choice to act; the consequences are theirs to pay, not yours to solve for them.
If these adults want to apologize, they can do it by letter. That doesn’t mean you will read it, or that your wife will read it. It could take a long time before you would want to read anything they might have written.
That’s also reasonable because they just broke the relationships and all trust.” blueberryyogurtcup
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, oh really they look up to you huh? I generally try to emulate those I admire and those I’ve met tend to do the same.
Do you spend your Saturdays tormenting helpless people or something?
Seriously it’s a nonsense excuse your parents are giving and both of them are adults so they know well that actions have consequences and the worse the action the worse the consequence.
Well, they chose to do something that no one with even an Iota of empathy would consider anything other than absolutely cruel and malicious.
The difference between bullying and a prank is whether or not everyone is laughing.
The fact they kept it up for multiple days 4 to 5 times a day likely cranks it all the way into harassment territory. Evicting them is being nice compared to what could be done.
For reference at least here:
‘Calls the victim repeatedly, and there is no ‘purpose of legitimate conversation’. Initiates communication repeatedly at inconvenient hours that invade the victim’s privacy. This can be in person or over the phone, a computer network, a computer system, electronic mail, or any electronic communication.” this is the definition of harassment over such means and could absolutely lead to things like fines, jail time, and criminal records.’
Considering you’re just making them find their own housing like every other adult who doesn’t have or decides they don’t need a support network has to I’d say you’re being very kind in your response.” StrykerC13
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… but pretty much your whole family is.
Play stupid games, and win stupid prizes.
Your nephew and sister are more than old enough to know how cruel and hurtful their behavior was.
Honestly, I can’t tell if it’s just monumental stupidity or borderline sociopathy. I know most adolescents cannot relate to how devastating infertility is, but it is absolutely appalling and unacceptable behavior to your family who is literally giving them a massive leg up in life.
If you feel inclined – this is actually a potentially pivotal learning moment for Nick and Sadie. Tell them you are looking for them to understand that apologies don’t immediately mean you get forgiven… there’s a process of atonement and restoration that needs to take place.
What this looks like is up to you, but I would ask them what they think true remorse looks like in a month. In 6 months? In 3 years? Ask them to outline how they are going to work to regain your trust. They might start by looking up examples of restorative justice.” Independent-Length54
I urge you and your wife to some therapy. And think about fostering and adoption. You deserve some happiness in your life.
8. AITJ For Not Trusting My Grandma To Look After My Son?
“My mum (39) is currently giving me trouble for not trusting my nan (60) with my son.
Basically, my nan is a heavy drinker and has been since I can remember. Most if not all my memories with her she is wasted/drinking/involves drinking in some kind of way.
I can literally remember going to the shops with her and her asking me to bend down to get booze for her when I was a kid, I spent a lot of time at my nans because my mum was working/out with friends.
I was with her pretty much every weekend/school holiday. There were a lot of pros where my nan lived and she would always buy me sweets so as a kid it was pretty easy to ignore the drinking and just pass it off as her being a fun grandparent.
My nan suffers pretty badly from depression and has medication for it but because she drinks so much it doesn’t have the desired effect.
Recently I have been in need of childcare and my mum suggested my nan whilst we were on a phone call.
I was unaware that I was on speakerphone and my nan was in the room when she suggested my son being looked after by my nan. I said quite plainly ‘I don’t trust her’ and then nan started getting all moody over the phone as did my mum so I hung up.
Hours later my mum texted me saying I upset nan and it was wrong of me to say that I didn’t trust her. I explained to my mum that I don’t trust her because of her drinking habits and the things I saw/experienced as a kid and that I don’t want that for my son.
This caused an argument between me and my mum because apparently, she didn’t like that I said nan had a drinking problem. My close friends and some family agree that she isn’t the safest option for childcare because she is so unreliable and can go from stone-cold sober to absolutely wasted with one glass of wine.
I don’t want my son to have a childhood like mine and to look back in 15-20 years’ time and realize that actually it’s an incredibly toxic situation and could potentially leave him with the same bad memories I have.
Long story short: AITJ for not trusting my heavy drinking grandparent to look after my son?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I’m going to be an unqualified armchair psychologist again…
It probably won’t change anything or make it any better, but I think your mum might be angry because she interprets your stance as you saying she was a bad mother.
I.e. you say ‘I won’t leave my child with grandma because I didn’t like being left with grandma’ and your mum hears ‘you were a bad mother for leaving me with grandma’.
She’s not necessarily wrong, and that might even be your opinion, but I thought I would say it in case you want to be on good terms with your mother again.
Re-explaining how horrible it was with grandma might not get you closer to being on good terms, because in your mum’s mind if she ever admits you are right about that, she is admitting she was a bad parent to you.” ttnl35
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mum did a terrible job of putting you in the care of someone who was unable to actually care for you. You are breaking that cycle by putting your child’s needs ahead of everything else.
Great job! Continue to do that because nan feels that her problems can be solved by drinking and as long as that’s her mindset nothing will be more important to her than that. Your son deserves better.
You are giving him better.” SnooBunnies7461
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Good on ya for standing up for what’s best for your child. We don’t let ANYONE watch our kids. Because it seems that everyone we know nowadays is either a heavy drinker or on some kind of illegal stuff.
Luckily I’m able to be a stay-at-home mom so we have the luxury of not needing a sitter. Even if you didn’t have past experiences, you made the right call by not letting a heavy drinker be responsible for your child.
And let them be butt hurt. She wouldn’t have anything to be mad about if she wasn’t drinking heavily. And your mom is obviously complacent because grew up with it and allowed her child to be subjected to it as well.
So definitely don’t expect her to understand.
When she doesn’t even acknowledge the fact that she put you in that horrible situation as a child. As an adult I can’t stand to be around wasted people, I couldn’t imagine making a child put up with it.
You are a great parent and trust your gut. You are doing the right thing. And if that means hurting some feelings to keep your child safe, then so be it. That just shows that your child is a priority over everything.
And that’s a great thing.
ETA: Family doesn’t mean anything when they just say that to manipulate you… That’s just people’s scapegoats to get their way. Real Family wouldn’t push you to do something you aren’t comfortable with in the first place.
Don’t EVER let someone walk over you just because they are family.” spainhour
7. AITJ For Allowing My Daughter To Skip Detention?
“I (38m) have 5 kids with my wife (38f), recently an incident that revolves around my oldest (13f) has caused tension.
On Wednesday, my daughter was in gym class and they were playing basketball, the teachers assigned the kids to groups using random numbers, and my daughter was playing with a bunch of athletic boys, it was 3 on 3, practice for a little tournament they’re doing in class (these aren’t permanent teams).
My daughter asked the boys on her team and the other team to go easy on her, as she didn’t want to chip her nails because right after school she was getting on a plane to go to my sister/her aunt’s (27f) wedding.
The boys on both teams were trying really hard though and started to yell at her because she wasn’t trying, the boys on her team pulled her aside and said they’d give her tips, but she said she didn’t need any because ‘P.E isn’t a real class anyways’, she then sat down, at that point the boys were mad at her and told the teacher she wasn’t doing her work, he gave her detention for not doing the work.
After gym class had ended, she texted me telling me what had happened, she said that she hates those boys because ‘they act as police for the gym teachers’ and liked getting the non-athletic kids in trouble for not doing their work.
I get that in other classes when you don’t do your work you get detention, so I understand the punishment, but I also agreed with her it was petty of the boys to do that.
My daughter was then asking what to do because by the time we would pick her up from her detention, we would be extremely tight on time for catching the plane. I was supposed to pick her up from school immediately after it ended, but we already had the car packed. I had taken the day off, I planned to pick up my wife from work and then pick up the kids from the bus stop.
I told her she could skip detention because my sister’s wedding was more important. She went home on the bus and I picked her up from the bus stop.
My daughter texted me from her school saying she had just been called to the office and her detention was extended to 3 days for skipping, I called the school and explained to them what had happened, but they didn’t budge on my daughter’s punishment.
When my wife found out about this, she was furious at me, she said actions have consequences and that if we missed the flight or the wedding due to my daughter’s detention, that would’ve been enough of a punishment to change her ways.
She also said I was being too lenient on my daughter and I need to ‘toughen up’. She said the boys were in the right and that I should stop coddling our daughter into believing she was right, but I told her I worry if we don’t believe her, she won’t trust us later in life.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for the sentiment that PE is stupid, but as others have said, you should have called the school yourself to postpone the detention, as once it’s given, the school won’t just rescind it.
However, I agree that most subjects in school are a total waste of time that won’t serve the student in the future, and PE is probably the most superfluous. But HS is a time for the student to learn how to give each subject the least amount of effort to pass it with a reasonable grade, and for PE that means pretending to be sick, pretending to be hit in the face when a ball hits her hand and start crying, etc.
When she saw that the boys are being hard on her, she could have used this to her advantage and avoided the teacher’s wrath. It’s your job to teach her that not everything is worth her time and the diplomatic solutions to avoid them without appearing to be the jerk, these are basic life skills.” nirbateman
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – The best course of action would have been to advise your daughter to talk to the admin immediately to explain the flight situation and see if she could serve the detention on another day.
This would have been a great learning opportunity in taking responsibility, speaking up for herself in a respectful manner, and accept the consequences of her actions in PE.
The second best option would have been YOU calling the school on her behalf to request she serve the punishment on another day.
But instead, you advised her to no show up without any communication and expect everything to be okay. How exactly did you think that would go? That is not a lesson you should be teaching your daughter!
Honestly, to make it up to her you should see if you could serve the detentions with her (if your work schedule allows) or serve your own ‘detentions’ at home in the evenings in solidarity with her since you played such a large role in this.” agentofshield__
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. PE doesn’t teach useful skills and mostly promotes aggressiveness and pointless competitive behavior. It should be dropped in favor of classes that actually teach diet and safe exercise routines. There also shouldn’t be a grade for it.
You are her parent, if you say don’t go to detention because we have another event, that needs to be explained to the school and the school needs to accept it.
This is one of the reasons a lot of people stop taking school seriously is because students have this huge tide of real-life issues and school is overlording to justify admin salaries.
If she didn’t do any assignments, she gets an F, not detention.
Your wife sounds like a jerk and frankly not very realistic. If you guys had missed flights for three people, oh it would make your daughter behave better?
No.” slendermanismydad
Another User Comments:
“I mean. NTJ for saying to skip. YTJ for not calling the school and explaining beforehand and setting up a different date for her detention to occur. You basically left it to look like she is just bailing on her punishment to the school and then trying to cover up for her after the fact.
If you had explained and organized an alternative beforehand then likely never would have been an issue. Additionally, while schools can legally keep kids for a time after school if you tell them no they can’t then they cannot and will have to look into alternatives like lunch or free period detentions.” Longjumping_Low1310
Also, it was reasonable for her to ask the boys to cool it a bit, but come on they're middle school/freshmen boys. If daughter had a problem with them she should have told the teacher, asked if there was a different activity for her to do that class period like gathering up the balls or whatever.
This whole situation could have been avoided if anyone in your family had COMMUNICATED. Tell the teacher, tell the school, something! If schools forgave punishment for every excuse given after the fact then there'd be no point in detention at all.
6. AITJ For Refusing To Be A Makeup Artist?
“My younger BIL (28) is getting married on Friday evening.
It’s just the ceremony and a more intimate family dinner, not the full reception.
My husband, our son, and I are flying on Friday and arrive maybe half a day before the wedding.
Today my MIL says that she went out to buy a new foundation for her and my SIL and they can’t wait for me to do their makeup for the wedding.
I am not a make-up artist. Yes, my makeup looks nice but that’s because I know my own face. Yes, I did my SIL’s makeup for her graduation but that was a one-time thing.
Yes I have done MIL’s makeup before but it’s always been when I have offered and if we were running late (it takes her a long time)
I said I wouldn’t be doing that.
I pointed out that we are landing very close to the wedding, I have an infant to settle and look after and I will need to rest and freshen myself up, I sent them IG handles for some makeup artists in their area and suggested they look into finding someone who can do something short notice.
MIL refused and said it was not the reception so she doesn’t want to pay for someone and as a family, I should help out. I told her I wouldn’t be doing that and she’s perfectly capable of doing her own face.
She keeps texting me saying I’m being obstinate, but am I really?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Firmly state you’re not doing it and if she won’t stop badgering you, you’re not obligated to attend the wedding.
I feel like weddings show people’s true colors. Truly self-centered and unpleasant people always crack and are the ones who demand everyone bow to their wishes. They also think a wedding entitles them to act like a psycho because it’s a ‘special day’.
This isn’t a special day – it’s a wedding and you have rights. You absolutely have the right to do whatever you want and that includes not being forced to offer a service.
Don’t submit to this woman’s demands.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but as it’s his family, I would have your husband step in here and text his mom, sister (I presume that’s who you mean by SIL, and not the bride-to-be), and brother (the groom, to pass along to his wife-to-be) to let them all know that just to be clear, you will not be doing anyone’s makeup at this wedding but your own so they need to plan accordingly.
This is both so they can reroute their crap to him instead of you, but also to make sure all the key players have been told that you are not doing their makeup. I suspect your MIL has told the bridal party that you’re the makeup artist for the day and is not passing along your refusal to them in hopes she can make you cave by Friday.
This is a ridiculous ‘plan’ by your MIL for a number of reasons, not LEAST of which being that even if you had agreed to do it (and you are right not to), what happens if your flight is delayed or canceled?
There’s not a lot of wiggle room for you to get there and still do your own makeup, much less anyone else’s.
Stand firm – your MIL is the one being obstinate here, not you.” hannahsflora
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No means no. And if anything it would make me want to do it even less if they assumed I was going to be doing free labor at a wedding that I am a guest at.
This isn’t even your family. It is a BILs fiances makeup. Like, how well do you even know this person marrying into your husband’s family? I cannot even imagine being assumed to do something for a random extended relative that doesn’t even know me well (since you live out of town) and doesn’t even have a phone call relationship with me.
If you even remotely had a relationship with this person, this subject would have come up at some point before now. Also, having issues with MiL isn’t new for most of the world. Just show up exactly on time to the wedding and turn your phone off.
You already said no about makeup, they are going to have to be adults and do their own makeup like you are doing for yourself.” rainbowpainterbear12
5. AITJ For Wanting My Partner To Have Matching Plates?
“I have been with Mia and she’s my world. Mia has OCD and likes to eat off matching plates and cutlery. She finds patterns too distracting and it upsets her.
My sister hosts Thanksgiving and has a bunch of different theme plates. None that match well. I told her I want bring Mia but I was wondering if she could use different plates or even paper plates of one color.
My sister’s personality trait is to be that quirky vintage thrift girl and her husband is kind of a hipster d****e. I told them how to make my SO feel welcome in the family and that having paper plates isn’t that big of a deal cheap white plates.
The argument was heated and it got to Christmas and my mom who hosts Christmas said she’s not giving up her Christmas plates either. It came down I know my SO’s anxieties and OCD would be triggered in this noisy chaos that our holidays are.
I told my mom and sister that I would spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with my SO and both said that was best. I was upset by their response to not making her feel welcome. I didn’t think asking for paper plates was that big of a deal and I know many people that do that on the holidays.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It’s reasonable for you to ask if Mia’s mental illness can be accommodated and reasonable for your sister to decline to change holiday traditions that are meaningful to her and others in your family.
There may be ways around this (maybe Mia’s therapist could help her get ready for the event and the expectation that only the set she brings will be matching), but you won’t find them by insisting that your family’s traditions are ‘no big deal’ or need to be tossed out to welcome your new girl.” ElegantAnt
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She and you are responsible for her mental health issues. Your extended family is not. It would be one thing if they intentionally tried to trick her somehow to provoke her, but they didn’t do that.
Your sister has a design motif for her home and it is her house as it is for your mom when she does Christmas.
You are fine in asking, but it would not be likely that they would agree, and asking these ladies to give up their china for paper plates is a huge deal. China is used maybe 1-2 times a year and the women who are into this really get invested.
You were way out of line and your SO needs to get some directive counseling so she can handle this situation as it will come up again and again. Again both of you are responsible for her mental health.
Your job as a partner is to help her be the best she can be and losing it over China is not being the best she can be.” riverfan2
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ, just young & naive.
(if you were closer to 30, then you would be the jerk) I appreciate how much you are trying to make things nice for your SO, but in the end, it won’t help her. This is something she will need to deal w/if she’s going to participate in life, & a good therapist plus, perhaps, the right medications, are what I hope will help her to that point.
I do know people with OCD who have worked hard & don’t act on their compulsions any longer (if they even have them – some say they’ve lost many or most of them!). So, yay! There’s hope for her to not have to live such a tough/onerous life.
I hate to say this because I know how much this is a struggle for her, to have this mental illness (I’ve spent my life advocating for people with mental illnesses), but you do need to have a long, hard think, deciding if you want to spend your whole life accommodating her OCD.
Sounds romantic, sweet, & kind right now, but in a number of years, it can get exceedingly wearing, to say the least. She could end up controlling you & any children you may have – even if she’s not a controlling person per se, or even if she doesn’t realize that her disease affects her family to the point where they can only live certain ways in order to conform & comply with her compulsions.
Too many people stay in really tough relationships because they’re already there. Someone can be just a lovely human being, but it doesn’t mean s/he is a match for you. You’re young, so you have plenty of time to date different people until you find the type of person you’re compatible with.
If it is this young lady, then I wish you the best! If it’s not this young lady, then I wish you the best!” Farmer1508
Another User Comments:
“You’re not a jerk for asking. That’s fine.
And they’re not a jerk for declining, that’s also fine.
Sounds like you escalated the situation to make this a new major demand on the family that it spread into another holiday. Not to mention the inherent disrespect you have for your sister and BIL and their hobbies and interests.
We’re moving into an ever-more accommodating world, it’s wonderful. We’re catching on to concepts of awareness, mental illness, and need never before matched in human history. However, not all accommodations can be met, and not all requests need to be met.
Your partner needs to figure out how to navigate in a very chaotic world, with the chaotic mess of holiday seasons, and other people’s places. Full-blown OCD can be really hard to manage and be comfortable in places.
Triggering can have negative results. Your concern is valid, but you’re going to find non-conformity in a lot of places. Develop habits to protect this.
One, grounding rituals are super important for someone with OCD when it’s getting triggered. Two, medication can go a long way.
Three, you both can develop small habits when visiting and being around other people. Pack cutlery and plates for you both, understand you may excuse yourselves during meal time, or that she may need to bail to calm down for a bit.
Making a demand on a family as you have isn’t a request, but explaining the need can go a long way. YTJ” 4_Legged_Duck
4. AITJ For Not Agreeing To Use Our Joint Account To Pay For A Shed?
“When my husband G (29M) and I (31F) were going out, my cousin passed away and I came into a large inheritance.
It was enough to pay off my student loans, get a newer car, and invest in some stocks, and I still had funds left. I decided to fulfill my dream of owning acreage for a peaceful getaway from the city.
I ended up finding a gorgeous 60+ acre plot of land for a very reasonable price within two hours of where we live and best of all it had a little house on it. We ended up moving in while we were still going out.
The house needed a lot of work, so I hired professionals to do most of the remodeling (rewiring the house, replacing the roof, updating the plumbing, etc.) and then I and G did the easier tasks (replacing the flooring, painting, replacing broken windows, etc.) to save funds.
I paid for all the materials to remodel the house and never charged him any kind of rent to compensate him for his time (which allowed him to use the extra funds to pay off some of his debts and put some funds away).
It took about a year, but we got it done and the house was/is adorable.
We have been married for a couple of years and yesterday he was talking about how he wants to have a storage shed built on the property because I am pregnant and the room we used for storage is going to be the nursery.
I encouraged him to rent a storage unit instead, but he did not like the idea because, in the long run, it would be cheaper to invest in a storage shed and just take the funds out of our joint account.
I then offered to pay for it out of my personal account (which has the leftover inheritance money).
We contacted a local professional and started the process of having it built. Then a few days ago, he asks me why I insisted my money was used to pay for it.
I said that it was my house, and he should not have to pay out of his pocket to maintain it. He retorted saying that it was our house, he helped remodel it, he has lived in it for more than 4 years, and we will be raising our child in this house.
I reminded him that I bought the house, paid for all the work to be done, and I pay the property taxes. He then got mad and said something like ‘so I don’t get to have a home that is mine.’ I thought about what he said for a moment and reminded him that he came into this marriage with a large savings account and told him that it would be enough to pay for a down payment and said he could get a mortgage, rent it out, and let the tenants pay it off so he would have a house if we divorced. This seemed to annoy him more because he went into another room and he is still ignoring me.
Then I got a call from my father-in-law, and he told me that he spoke with G about the situation and said that I was in the wrong and that all property between a man and wife is shared and dividing things into his and hers is harmful.
Then today, I spoke to my brother about it, and he thinks I am ‘putting my assets above my husband.’ So, AITJ?
Edit: We both signed a prenup before we got married. Also, he was compensated for his labor and time.
The funds he has, which I suggested he invest in a house, were saved before our marriage because he lived with me and I paid all the bills.
Edit 2: I live in a community property state.
If he contributes anything to the property financially, he has a right to it if we divorced regardless of the prenup.
Edit 3: I had a heart-to-heart with my husband and we both discussed our feelings on the matter.
I reminded him that unlike me, he grew up in a stable, financially comfortable home and I explained that my motivations did not come from a lack of love for him but anxiety from my mother and my financial struggles after my parents divorced. He said that although he knows that it was important to me to legally be the owner of the house, our conversation about the shed left him feeling like he has no control over our family home and that he is a temporary guest instead of my husband.
Ultimately, after talking it out, we agreed that the best course of action is to purchase a second home together with our joint funds and make that our primary residence. My house and land will be used as a weekend getaway instead of our primary residence.
While I am a little sad that I will spend less time on my property, I am very happy that we found a compromise that allows me to protect my assets and gives him more of a feeling of connection and equal ownership of our marital home.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This isn’t Disney and life is not a fairytale. Commitment and making the best effort to maintain a long and healthy marriage is all well and good, but like my mom always says ‘Love does not take away intelligence’.
You’re protecting your assets and is not like it is out of the blue. The fact that there’s a prenup about it shows that it was known that the property would be fully yours regardless of if you guys are together or not and he agreed to honor that legal document when he married you.
Letting him invest now invalidates that and makes him entitled to half of it in case of a divorce, which is a pretty common thing; relationships fail sometimes and that’s a fact.
I’m a romantic at heart but also a realist, one doesn’t invalidate the other.
Why does it matter to him that the house is fully yours? He wanted a shed, you want to give him the shed. If he’s confident in your marriage, then it doesn’t matter who owns the house.
My take is that he wants to invest because he does sees divorce as a possibility, small as it may be, and wants to be entitled to half of your estate in that case.
My advice; keep protecting your property and don’t let the bleeding hearts in some of the other comments make you feel bad about your choice.” lluthien27
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You have a prenup. If he paid for the shed it would invalidate that prenup.
His ‘so I don’t get to have a home that’s mine’ comment is what gets me… he knows it is not his.
It was part of the prenup agreement to which he agreed.
You pay all land taxes, bills, etc for the house. There is nothing to indicate a change in circumstances besides the fact you got married and now he is sad it’s not his when he’s known all along unless he thought marriage would change your mind.
He has come out of this ahead. He has no rent so he was able to pay off all his loans. You bought him a car. He doesn’t pay for anything to do with the house or land.
Do you come across as a bit uncaring in your delivery, yes? But you are wise to still able to protect your assets as he wants to obviously take part. He went and dobbed on you to his dad to guilt you.
He has a huge savings account that he can get a loan and buy a property himself which he hasn’t because he wants to claim yours. Some people are happy splitting everything during marriage and others aren’t.
You aren’t and he can’t be mad since he knew the agreement going in.” Status-Pattern7539
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
While it may have come across as cold and unfeeling to him, the house and property are yours.
It would be different had he contributed to the funds for the home or land. Yes, you and he are married now, but you purchased this land and home prior to the marriage. Yes, you were together but you were not legally husband and wife at that point.
Your funds have purchased the home. Your funds have renovated the home. Your funds have maintained the home.
While I’m sure there are kinder ways that perhaps it could have been phrased, you weren’t wrong.
Maybe a bit blunt, but he seems a bit dense so maybe blunt was needed. He definitely has options: he could purchase his own home as you mentioned. He could be grateful to have a loving wife who provides for you both and your baby.
He can get mad and bitter and petty. He could even reach out to an attorney to better know his rights or even opt for a divorce if it bothers him. That’s up to him.
I hope for the best for you in this situation. I know it can be frustrating. It might not hurt for you to also reach out to an attorney just for clarification on legal standing in your state should something come up.
Some of the other posters have given some interesting feedback with regards to community property in a marriage/divorce, and it never hurts to get more info.” Digital_Collectress
3. AITJ For Not Welcoming My Brother-In-Law's Fiancé To Our Home?
“I (29) female have a so far happy relationship with my husband (26) and his family. When his brother started going out with his now fiancé, she was nice and we all made an effort to make her feel welcome.
Fast forward a year into their relationship and things aren’t so peachy, we have had her over at our house many times for dinner and most times I’ve not even had a ‘hello’ from her let alone a thank you.
When she is at our house she will just sit on her phone all night and pretty much ignores everyone. She has been so rude to me on multiple occasions and it’s more than clear she doesn’t like me.
Which I’m not bothered about, I don’t expect to be liked or loved by everyone but I do expect respect when I’ve never done anything to her.
My husband even asked his brother about this because again, she made it quite obvious she doesn’t like me.
But he said nothing was wrong. Her attitude towards me continues to be the same and quite frankly I’m fed up with it, I don’t want to start an argument because I know that’s not going to help and my husband loves his brother so I don’t want to cause any trouble there.
So I’ve said to my husband that I don’t want her coming into our home anymore, I don’t want to be disrespected in my own home. My husband said he won’t because it was going to upset everyone and that I should be the bigger person.
But it’s getting really hard to keep my mouth shut, so am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for not wanting to be disrespected in your home but your husband needs to talk with his brother about why his fiancé is disrespecting you; your husband needs to be standing up for you instead of placating his family to make things easier for him.
Honestly, until he does so, I’d make myself scarce or unavailable whenever she’s in my home; make other plans that get you out of your home while she’s there. I know that won’t fix the problem but if your husband wants to placate then let him deal with his family on his own.” Few-Entrepreneur383
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I don’t think you are in the wrong for not wanting her there but it is also your husband’s home. This is a situation where both of you need to find a compromise.
I would suggest you either both go to your BIL/SIL’s house for dinner if you don’t want to be disrespected in your own house or you directly seek out a conversation with your SIL to put this issue to rest. Maybe she just can’t stand you either and just goes along with BIL to appease him.
In this case, you could reach an understanding that you both are uncomfortable around one another and that either BIL comes over to your husband and your house or you both go over there where she can retreat to another room/avoid you.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You have absolutely every right to be treated politely and with respect, especially in your own home. I personally was raised with the motto, that you don’t have to like everybody and can even hate people, but you still have to treat everybody with respect and be polite.
From what you said in your story, you have been the bigger person numerous times before, when you didn’t speak out to keep the peace, so there always comes a point where being the bigger person might just simply be an option any longer.
That being said, you should really ask yourself whether that’s a hill to die on for you, so to speak. Because actions have consequences. And your insisting on your BIL’s fiancee not being welcome in your home, might drive a wedge between your husband and his brother, and your husband might come to resent you.
So make really sure that her disrespecting you is something you absolutely cannot tolerate, and if it really is just her ignoring you at your house rather than actually being nasty to you or calling you names I would honestly recommend you******* up and trying to limit the time you have to spend in each other’s company to a minimum.
This might sound unfair, but then again life is unfair.” Temporary-Deer-6942
2. AITJ For Not Wanting My Niece To Have The Same Name As Me?
“I (f20) have an older sister Julia (f29). Julia is pregnant with her second child, and it’s going to be a girl, and due any day now.
Julia and her husband recently told me over text that they are going to name the baby my name but spelled slightly differently.
My name is Crystal, and they want to name the baby Krystal.
I thought it was strange and asked them why, and they just said they liked it. I wasn’t sure how to feel about it and after talking to a close friend I decided I really didn’t like this.
I asked if they could make it a middle name, as the idea of sharing a first name with my niece made me uncomfortable. Julia told me to get over it and move on, which I thought was unwarranted. I said the situation is weird and I don’t want my niece to have basically the same name as me.
Julia got our parents involved and they told me to stop pestering Julia and just be happy for her.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You have a right to your feelings and she has the right to name her daughter whatever she wants.
You should stop pestering her about it. Your sister needs to be prepared for questions on why she named her kid after you but changed the spelling. People might find that strange. Or family who is used to her name may continually spell it with a C.” murphy2345678
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like they were notifying you because they were hoping to get your enthusiasm for the idea out of flattery. They should have been asking your approval to even have their kid named after you.
Cuz it doesn’t matter if it’s spelled differently, they are naming their kid the same name as you it’s weird.
I absolutely second the idea of you naming a dog Julia. Like if names mean nothing in your family then human Julia will just have to suck up that she has to share her name.
Also, your parents are wrong for being flying monkeys.” JCBashBash
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
They can name their child what they want, and you can be annoyed by it. Because ultimately, this is not really offensive, it’s just annoying.
That being said, I would immediately make a post on social media all about how amazing it is that my sister is naming her child AFTER ME, and how she loves me so much, and you are so honored your BIL considers you so much more important to him than any other family member, etc etc. They can say ‘we like the name’ til they are blue in the face.
Pretty much everyone else is going to run with the assumption they named the child after you.
See how much they really want to be held to that for the rest of their lives….” ImaginaryAnts
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Sorry, but while it’s the name your parents gave you, you don’t have exclusive rights to the name. And trying to dictate to your sister and her husband what they should name their daughter is only going to isolate you not only from them but the rest of the family as well if you keep this up.
I suggest you apologize to Julia and get over this entirely.” User
1. AITJ For Bringing My Partner To My Mom's Thanksgiving Party?
“in 5th-7th grade, there was this girl named Sarah that made my life miserable to the point where my mom would still use her as an example of the stereotypical personification of a spoiled child for years, needless to say, my family hated her, and about 5 months ago I moved back my hometown because I wanted to live near my dar who is getting pretty old and I want to help him and my mom out.
then by coincidence I ran into Sarah at an event and we started talking about school and other things, she’s now a med school graduate and has done pretty well for herself, she apologized for everything that happened back then.
We basically laughed at the dumb cringe-worthy middle school drama and we ended up spending a night together and after some time I took her out on a proper date and it was amazing, needless to say, I’m really happy and into her, can’t say the same for my mom though.
My mom has been calling her a snake and making snarky remarks whenever I bring her up, saying that people don’t change and she’s gonna double cross me eventually I just have to wait and see, I got into an argument with my mom over this because no matter how much I tell her that I’m happy in this new relationship she keeps doing this and it was starting to annoy me.
Then one time I went out to dinner with my parents, and my mom said I should ‘be with one of my more attractive friends.’ And that I haven’t given any other girl in my hometown a real chance so I don’t know what’s out there.
Then yesterday (thanksgiving) I invited Sarah to join us as my sister also invited her fiance as well.
My mom was overall nasty and rude to her the whole time and kept giving both me and her dirty looks and being mean in small ways, for example, my mom told her to sit in the back instead of pulling another chair up to the table and she made snarky comments about how Sarah was dressed more than once.
After a while Sarah took me to the back of the house and asked me if we could leave and I did, I said goodbye to everyone and so did Sarah including my mom, mom called me afterward and we argued about it, she blames everything on Sarah like always, but genuinely she hasn’t done anything bad and I told my mom she should apologize and she said she won’t, my mom is just being childish and I don’t get it.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
But not because you’re genuinely a jerk, you don’t seem like one.
What you did here, however, was to essentially set your partner up to be mistreated by your mother.
Imagine how that must have felt for Sarah.
You did this in rebellion against your mother and I respect that, hon. I really do, but you put Sarah in an incredibly uncomfortable position while doing absolutely nothing to change your mother’s mind.
Your mother isn’t going to change her opinion because she is presented with new information on this subject.
After all, she has a fixed idea of what she thinks of Sarah.
You’re not going to change her mind. If she does change, it has to come from her.
All you can do is set a boundary with your mother.
Every time she says something mean about Sarah? You up and leave.
Until she can behave like a decent person without Sarah even being present, you need to keep Sarah away from that woman.” Y************s
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom is being childish and petty. Not only were her actions disrespectful to Sarah, but they were also disrespectful toward you. She doesn’t need to like Sarah, nor does she need to approve of the relationship – she does however need to be polite when you bring someone to family functions and stop making snarky comments to you about the relationship.
Bottom line is that you’re an adult that can make your own decisions, whether your mom likes them or not, and she needs to learn to accept that.
If it were my mom, I’d tell her she owes Sarah an apology, and let her know that she would not be seeing me again until she agreed not only to that, but also to respect my decisions as an adult and be cordial to my partner.
Your mom is under no obligation to forgive Sarah’s past actions, but she certainly needs to learn to live with her adult children’s decisions about their personal lives.” painteddpiixi
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
I think it’s great that you’ve found a way to forgive Sarah, but it doesn’t mean your mom has to.
It’s not easy for any parent to know or see that someone is mistreating their kid, whether it be an adult or another kid.
I’m sure it hurt your mom to know that someone was bullying you for ~2 years and she couldn’t do much about it. Yeah, Sarah was a kid, but at that age, kids know right from wrong and on some level, she knew she was bullying you.
It seems reasonable of her to distrust Sarah.
However, the way she treated Sarah was outrageous. She doesn’t need to be making snarky comments about Sarah to you, nor does she need to be openly rude to Sarah’s face.
So your mom is definitely a jerk in that regard. If your mom is unwilling to move on, then the least she could do is keep her negative thoughts to herself, because it means a lot to you.
YTJ for bringing Sarah to an event where you knew she was unwanted. Even if you think your mom is being ridiculous, it’s her house, and she hasn’t been shy about not liking Sarah for most of your life.
Wouldn’t it have been reasonable to suspect she wouldn’t appreciate Sarah’s presence and thus take it out on Sarah?” ldp1640
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You knew how your mother feels about Sarah, yet you brought her anyway.
Your mother was not a gracious hostess and couldn’t set her feelings aside. I would say your mother is the least of the jerks in this story, as she vividly remembers the pain Sarah caused her child and is still angry about that.
Yes, people can change, but if you want both Sarah and your mother to be in your lives, Sarah is going to have a lot of work to do. She was the one who caused all of the drama, even though it was years ago.
She needs to make amends. Also, you should apologize to your mother for making Thanksgiving awkward.” No_Pepper_3676
