People Request Feedback On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Situation
18. AITJ For Refusing To Share My Family Therapy Journal With My Family?
“Started family therapy with my dad and stepmom almost a year ago. The therapist is great. She does individual with me once a week and we see her as a group once a week as well. In session one, she gave us a diary each to write in every week and for us to discuss with her/the group if we want after.
I never share what I write with them. I do share with the therapist. We talk about it a lot. A couple of weeks back, I had filled the original diary she gave me so she found another one for me. My dad and stepmom wanted to hear what I wrote but I said I didn’t want to share it with them.
For context: I lost my mom when I was 8. Parents were divorced. Dad was with her at the time but I met her like 5 weeks after I lost my mom. Dad moved the relationship along really fast so I would have another mom. I told him I wouldn’t accept another mom. He told me I would see, that it would be so easy.
A little over a year later they had a baby together and then another and another and another. From the time the first baby was born they have mentioned adopting me, when I wouldn’t go along with that and they were told it was a no go without my being on board by some lawyers, they had her become my legal guardian and set it up so she would get me if dad died, and they have enforced that I must spend at least 6 hours of my week doing some bonding time with her, as a way to push past the distance I keep from her as a mother figure.
So in my diary, I have written how I wish my mom was there for stuff instead of her. How sometimes I close my eyes when something special is happening in my life and in my head I swap my stepmom out for my mom, and I imagine the conversation mom and I would have had or what she would say to me in the moment.
I write about that a lot. And how growing up without a mom sucks. How not having a mom as a teenager is rough as heck Then we discuss it. The therapist was mostly concerned with the upset I feel when I swap them out in my head and then have to face reality, so we’re working on that.
Anyway, my dad and stepmom, saying they were “concerned they were left in the dark about something important” rooted through my stuff, found the therapy diary and read the whole thing.
Then they got so mad. They asked how I could be so cruel. How I could dismiss her so easily. To say I grew up without a mom when my stepmom is right there, doing all the mother things. Then it became how that was important to share with them in therapy so we could fix it.
They ended up lashing out at the therapist and they are now refusing to use her services again.
They are looking for someone new. While I am public enemy number one.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Your dad and stepmom are really clueless.
If they hadn’t pushed and pushed all this time and tried to force a relationship, you’d have one now. Not a replacement for your mom, but your stepmom could have been important to you.
Instead, they pushed it to the point where you have no relationship with your stepmom and ruined the relationship with your dad.
People may disagree with me, but I am not convinced you need therapy.
Your parents are the ones who need to change, not you. They won’t.
It’s normal for you to miss your mom. There is nothing wrong with you. Your parents must don’t like it that you won’t do what they want.
Maybe you can find someone to talk to at school without your parents involved.” ResponseMountain6580
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, tell them exactly how you feel. That your mother was someone you treasured. I can’t believe your father only waited 5 weeks after your Mom died to make you move on! Ask your stepmother if she died and her husband did the same to her kids as they did to you and your mother, wouldn’t she feel it disrespectful to her memory?
Tell them they’ve continued to push you and single you out. That in 2 years, you’ll turn 18 and won’t have to pretend to be something that you aren’t. They don’t respect your opinions or emotions, then they won’t be involved in your life later on. They should have NEVER read your journal.” Interesting_Mind1113
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They can search until the cows come home but no competent therapist is going to condone what they did.
When they find a new therapist, the first thing you should tell them is exactly why you are seeing a new therapist. Immediately tell the new therapist they read your diary. I promise you the new therapist would want to know. If all else fails, study hard, move out for college, and distance yourself as much as you want to.” SaorsaAgusDochas
17. AITJ For Firing An Employee Who Kept Asking For A Raise?
Harsh, I’d say.
“As background – I manage a team of employees in a very specialized industry. The employee are hired on two-year contracts that are mostly automatically renewed. Salaries are fixed for the duration of the contract but raises are negotiated at the time of renewal. There are no non-competes.
I have one employee “Sara” who requested a meeting with me last week to discuss a possible raise. I informed her that it is a little early as her contract won’t expire until Jan, and I would be happy to discuss it in Nov. She told me she would like to discuss it now as her current salary does not reflect the amount of work she is doing.
So I set up a meeting with her on Friday and told her I will hear her out. To her credit, she gave well thought out presentation listing the average salary in her field, the extra responsibilities she had to take on, and the extra revenue she was able to generate, etc. In the end, she asked for a 19% raise to stay on.
This was a substantial jump but I thought she made some good points and, with inflation being what it is, I can sell it to the managing partner that we are locking down a good employee for 2 more years.
After the presentation, I told her I will just approve the raise and talk to the managing partner about starting her new contract early.
Since the only things we are changing are the salary numbers, we can have the new contract ready for her to sign by Tuesday. She seemed very surprised that I did not try to negotiate and looked a little shell-shocked that the meeting was over so quickly.
So anyways, I spent the entire weekend selling the raise to the partners and harassing legal to get the documents ready.
However, when I gave her the documents to sign this morning, she asked for another meeting to discuss salary. She informed me that after doing more research over the weekend, her pay is still not reflective of all the work she is doing. At this point, I got pretty annoyed and told her that we can discuss in two years.
I thought that was the end of it, but after lunch, she came to my office with three offer letters she received from our competitors – one in our city with a salary that is 2-3% higher, and two from other states that are 8-9% higher. She asks for the new salary to at least match the competitor in our city to stay.
At this point, I got very frustrated and told her that she is now free to work for our competitor because her contract with us will not be renewed. She called me a jerk and left crying, immediately telling all her co-workers that I fired her for asking for a raise, which obviously caused quite an uproar.
My wife thinks that I am the jerk because I could have just said no. She probably had the other offers for a while and was never going to actually leave.
she recommended that I offer her back the new contract.
Anyways, I am contemplating going back to the office tomorrow and offering Sara her new contract again. But I just felt like the relationship between us is ruined after this whole situation.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for me, let me explain.
Ex-HR here. I understood that your company is located in the US so I might be off about how your work culture functions.
BUT most European companies I worked with understand that wage negotiations are a bit like poker. You can bluff as long as you want but you can’t screw the other part by breaking an ongoing contract or a deal.
In your case, your employee looked for other opportunities and told you about other companies’ wages to gain more. And she has the right, like everyone in the company, to do so.
The fact that she told you about this shows that she wanted to keep working with you. If she didn’t she would have done it behind your back. But to her, it was evident that her wage was too low. So she talks about it to you again a second time.
The fact that it is inconvenient for you to talk about this again is irrelevant to her.
She doesn’t know that, as you explained, she can’t know that it will make you look foolish in front of your superiors (?).
It was your job to put a clear stop and to tell her that you had to negotiate for a long time the first raise and that it won’t be evaluated again until 2 years.
OK, you’re not firing her.
But she was in her right, she didn’t apply anywhere behind your back. And assuming that she came back to you because she thought you were an easy target isn’t rock solid evidence and it is harsh to not sign her again after having a deal for a new contract. You don’t break a deal for such BS. As I read you, you seem like a nice person but to me, you’re only looking at your side of the story and didn’t understand that employees are free to look for other opportunities even just to negotiate.
So YTJ.
Just my point of view, but maybe European work culture is too different.” YomikZeLombrik
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for not just saying no. There was no reason to fire her. She had offer letters and wanted to ask for the salary to be matched. That’s a reasonable ask. It’s weird and sloppy that that wasn’t the ask in her original proposal – is there any chance the offer came after your discussion?
I’m sympathetic that this is annoying, and if she received the offers before your original discussion, then she handled this poorly; but based on the raise you gave her and the info you shared from her presentation, she is a good employee who adds a lot of value. It seems like you reacted emotionally out of frustration, and not in the best interest of anyone involved.” Snoo5911
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This EXACT same thing happened to my fiancé.
His employee came to him and asked for a raise. My fiancé went to his boss, stuck his neck out, and negotiated for his employee to get more than what he asked for. When it was approved and he informed his employee, the employee refused and asked for almost double.
They ended the contract.
I think Sara thought that she’d have to fight for the raise and when you stuck your neck out and willingly gave it, she thought she could fight for more.” Caribe92
16. AITJ For Telling My Father To Sue Me?
“For context, my parents got divorced when I was around 7 years old. I was living with my mother my whole life while my father was responsible for paying child support. When I was a teenager (13) my mom and I moved to a different country which made visits to my father difficult. Ever since I’ve been living in this country he hasn’t texted me or visited me.
I was the one doing all the work. As I turned 16 I noticed how little he cares and stopped visiting him and texting him. He never cared enough to call me or even visit me. As I grew older I stopped having contact with him due to him being an irresponsible adult. He did remarry and now has 3 sons aged m6, m4, and m3.
My life hasn’t been easy because of constant bullying I’ve experienced since I couldn’t speak the language in the beginning of living in this country. I’ve been depressed for a very long time and in my last high school year I found out about my BPD. My mental health made it very difficult for me to graduate even though I had amazing grades in the beginning.
I couldn’t continue my education right away because of all that so I decided to take a break from school and work for a year. I desperately want to study at a university and have a good education but because I couldn’t graduate it’s been difficult to get into uni. I’m taking extra courses and studying those so that I’ll get extra cred and get into a good school.
Now that I’m 19 about to turn 20 my father finally reached out asking me about school and work. I was excited because in 2 weeks I’ll be visiting my country again and told him we could meet. My gut feeling told me something was off and I was right. He was outright telling me how it’d feel wrong for him to sue me since I am an adult now and that he’s planning on cutting off my child support.
His reasoning behind it was ”I have three children and it’s hard to keep up.” My heart sank that exact moment because he didn’t see me as his child. I got mad but kept my calm and explained how we can talk once I get there in 2 weeks. He kept on pursuing me and texting me every day since then which made me super mad, like he waited 2 years after I legally became an adult but he can’t wait 2 weeks to talk to me about it in person?
He told me his lawyer would be able to send me an email which I could sign so he wouldn’t have to sue me. When I read that email my jaw dropped. It said if I was to sign that paper I wouldn’t be able to ever get funds once I start the university and I how I’m throwing away my right to sue him again.
That was the last drop and I told him he needs to sue me because I’m not going to sign something like that. Now his lawyer is going to sue me and get police involved as if I’m a criminal. All this over child support when he never acted like a father to me?
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m guessing your parent’s child support agreement either says your dad has to continue paying support until you are like 25/graduate college, or that you live in a country like Italy where by law parents are still responsible for supporting their adult children (off the top of my head I recall a case where the adult child already had a couple of degrees, think law and medicine, and decided they wanted a Ph.D.
in a different field. The parent(s) sued saying they had done enough and they no longer wanted to support their adult child. The court found in the child’s favor) (And American reading this who are thinking about trashing the Italian system, stop. This is a cultural difference. There is an emphasis in making sure your children as set up for a happy life.
It’s also tied to the fact cost of living is so high that you can’t move out at 18 or 21 and get some independence. It’s not wrong, it’s just different).
Either way, or if it is something entirely different, your dad is bound to continue providing for you by the terms of the agreement/law, evidenced by the fact he is trying to get you to sign away your rights.
You already know your dad is a jerk. He ghosted you because it was easier than putting in the work of being a dad. He decided to have more kids knowing he would have to split his finances 2, 3, and then 4 ways. That was a choice he made. He does not get to take what is rightfully yours.
I’d stay off Reddit and social media with this, it’s all admissible evidence in most countries, and talk to a lawyer.
Have the lawyer tell your dad that all communication must go through the lawyer. He doesn’t deserve to have a conversation with you and the chance to manipulate you or trick you into surrendering your rights.” Letters_from_summer
Another User Comments:
“Hm, I’m not going to make a judgment, but I do want to play the devil’s advocate here, even if I do think he is a jerk.
I’m not certain what countries you live/lived in, but in the US child support usually extends to when the child becomes 18 OR when they finish their high school education, whichever comes LATER; I’m guessing this is the shoes that you guys are in?
I think what it comes down to is, he is a terrible father, or more accurately, he is NOT and HAS NOT been a father to you.
He will always be a jerk for that. However, if we look at the picture in that lens, he just is not part of your life. I understand that your mental health has made graduating difficult, but he did wait for two years where he continued to send crap before bringing this up, even if his methods are idiotic and toxic.
Since he has not been a part of your life and has not been privy to what your struggles and plans are, he does not know if you even plan to finish your education?
If you are also working now and have your income, I imagine your mother also has her financial burden alleviated a little bit such that the child support isn’t as critical as it once was.
If you are no longer part of each other’s lives, and he has already given child support for so many years, I don’t think it is a completely unreasonable ask, but again, he is a jerk for many reasons and he did pester and bully you regarding this decision like a jerk.” Ahnixlol
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. So he’s trying to sue you to get the support he paid back?
I can’t imagine any place where a court would let that happen. Plus the agreement is with your mother. So let him go ahead and try, right now he’s trying to bully you. Talk to your mom, maybe get her to explain the support agreement so you know what it says, but also let her know he’s trying to do this to you.” Brains4Beauty
15. AITJ My Giving Our Baby My Last Name Instead Of His Dad's
“So me and my partner had been together for only a year when I found out I was pregnant, this was a shock as I’d been on the pill consistently for six years! There were a lot of opinions, his mom and family were very strong believers that I shouldn’t continue with the pregnancy I come from a very religious family and was almost convinced by his family that termination was my best option.
Alas, I ignored his family and decided to continue, I realized that whatever decision I made it would always be me who’d have to live with it termination or birth.
Eventually, everyone was over the moon and excited about the new arrival. However, any argument I had with my partner would involve him saying “you’re pregnant with a baby and I didn’t want that!
I’m not ready for a family but you’ve done it anyway!” I always told him that if it wasn’t something he wanted, he was free to leave and I would never speak bad on him to the baby for it. Once he calmed, he would take back everything he said and tell me he loved us both and was just nervous but excited.
He never bought anything for the baby, never contributed to the things I bought, and only came to the private scans that I booked and paid for but nothing else. Labor day came, I was in labor for 40 hours, and eventually, he arrived into the labor room high. He told me that if I didn’t have the baby in the next six hours, he was going home because he was tired. He then sat in the corner chatting away about how he didn’t think he could stay because it was all too much.
Luckily, my friend was there because about an hour after he arrived, he left. I was devastated. I had to have an emergency c section. If you’ve had one you’ll understand, and if you haven’t, then you can imagine.
Regardless, he continuously asked me to make a forty-minute journey to see his family with the baby, and I refused, but he didn’t think it was fair that he had to drive to my house to see our baby and that I should be making the journey too… I was two weeks postpartum and had a medication list longer than my arm.
As time went on, he only came once a week and when he did come there was nothing towards me. He had started so much, he no longer found time for us.
Fast forward to the baby being four weeks old, I went to register the baby and considered my options; I thought since I’m the main provider, main caregiver, main source of everything, I might as well give Bub’s my name.
Otherwise, I’d need his permission for a holiday, schools, everything, and I didn’t trust he’d stick around. He was wild! He’s said that I’ve broken his heart and I’m truly evil for doing such a thing. He’s told me he cannot stay with me if the baby doesn’t have his surname… Personally I think love is love and a name is nothing, but I need to know, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you put him on the birth certificate you need to educate yourself on all of the laws for your state/area.
I just had a friend lose custody of her son and now only has visitation rights because she moved out of the jurisdiction with her son. She is not married to the father but he is on the birth certificate.
He hardly ever visited after they separated but as soon as she moved he filed for custody and claimed “parental alienation”. I am shocked that he was able to push the alienation narrative and get custody considering she breastfeeds her baby and was his primary caregiver. Alas, not everything is black and white when it comes to custody, he had aggressive attorneys and she was not aware of the laws regarding moving even though they are not married and it was still within the same state, just a different jurisdiction.” Either_Ad_405
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Since when does a deadbead dad feel entitled to having a kid with his surname? I understand there’s a tradition to do that when the couple is married, but when they are unmarried, all bets are off.
Years ago there was some urgency or motivation for getting married if there was an unexpected pregnancy in order “to give the baby a name” (the father’s surname).
That’s clearly not the case here. This guy is the most loserific of losers. He is entitled TO NOTHING. I’d also argue (because I’m old-fashioned, lol) that unless a couple both mutually agree ahead of time to not marry and mutually agree to give the child the father’s surname, that an unmarried mother BY DEFAULT gives the baby HER surname, not his.
If he doesn’t want to put a ring on it, then why in the world would he assume the kid gets his surname? Whatever for? He just donated some sperm.
Yes, there’s a “tradition” that the baby have the father’s surname, but that stems from the couple being married. He doesn’t marry the mom=no dad’s surname.” goldenpoppy818
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
‘You’re pregnant with a baby and I didn’t want that’ the way he says that is as if it’s your fault you got pregnant as if he wasn’t the one to get you pregnant in the first place. Then to basically tell you to ‘hurry up’ when giving birth by putting a time limit on you ‘because he’s tired’ how does he think you feel trying to birth HIS child.
How old is this man?? He’s acting like a boy in my opinion.
Keep the baby’s surname as yours. Let him leave. You and baby will be 100% better off without him.” bodybuildingbbe
14. AITJ For Arguing With My Mother-In-Law For Bringing Up My False Criminal Past?
“I 36 (f) and my other half 42 (m) got together at the end of last year. Within a month of that, being overworked as a front-line worker, he had a breakdown. He came to stay with me until he got back to himself. After a bit, he started we worked on him going back to work. He did, but it was still too much.
Due to the nature of his job, he handed in his notice. I’ve met mother-in-law twice, she lives 2 hours away. She knows we cannot travel, hasn’t bothered to be here for anything he needed her for, and when she does offer it, she just doesn’t follow through. That’s a bit of a background on my partner.
But I also need to give context to mine. I was in a traumatic relationship for over 6 years. A relationship which led to me being convicted of a crime I didn’t commit. This has since been overturned, and my ex was sent to prison. He is due to be released soon, and for our safety, my partner and I decided to move in together officially.
We even found a place! On Sunday night, my mother-in-law contacted my partner and told him she had stuff for our new home and would be coming up Monday to see us and drop it off.
She arrived at 9:30, came into the house, asked to use the bathroom. She said hi, being nice. She asked my partner to help her bring the stuff in.
15/20 minutes later, he comes in holding 2 paint trays and said he had something to tell me and didn’t want me to be upset. What happened was his M, SD and B were there. They wanted to talk to him about me. They presented him with a file with the news of my conviction; he already knew everything. He was there when my conviction was overturned. He knew it all, and he told them so.
That wasn’t enough. She told him that I was mistreating him and was there to take him home. He told her where to go. I was upset. She had accused me of being a bad person because my partner distanced himself from her for reasons. She came to my home. Not our shared home. Acted nice and then did that.
My partner was broken.
I decided to message her. I told her that if she had come and sat and talked to me, she would know what happened as I would have given her everything. I would have respected it, but she was sneaky. I also sent her a link to the articles she missed out in her “file,” which was the news of my conviction being overturned.
What she did do was forward my message to my partner who had already seen what I had sent. Messages start to arrive to my partner’s phone. His brothers, sisters, and teenage niece! All saying they love him and are there for him no matter what. This made my partner very upset. So he text his mom saying he didn’t want her to contact him and that he needed space.
She said she didn’t believe him and thought I had his phone. Messages poured into his phone, and I saw him break in front of me. He doesn’t want to be in the position to pick sides; I haven’t asked him to do so. Guess who has? I sent her a second message. I asked her why and that her actions have led to him feeling extremely low.
AITJ for arguing with her, or am I dealing with a monster in law? I just don’t want to cause more hurt by not trying to fix it if I am in fact the jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And I really, really hope that you and your partner have access to mental health care because this situation is one that is clearly already taking its toll on him and will inevitably not go away until he is in a position to be able to set and enforce boundaries with his family.” hannahkelli
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Half-truths and lies and gaslighting. That mother-in-law is your enemy. What does your partner think about all this? He is probably confused and overwhelmed and in need of therapy. Poor guy.” -Sabbatica-
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you were way nicer than I would have been. Block all of their numbers and consider trying to move to somewhere they don’t know the address.
If that’s not possible, get security cameras for the current place.” fleurdumal1111
13. AITJ For Refusing To Take My Step-Son To Disneyland?
“I (45) have 6 kids, and 1 of them is my stepson. His mom passed away when he was 3. I have been in his life since he was 2 (no there was no affair, she and my husband were never together.)
My stepson “Sam” is 15, and the rest are “Jessica” (14f), “Tom” (13m), “Sarah” (13m), “Tim” (11m), and “Jonah” (10m). Recently Jessica won a really previous award at school, as a reward she asked to go to Disneyland. We decided to make it a family trip and went to Florida for two weeks. One thing you need to know about Sam is that he has a lot of anxiety and gets easily overstimulated (he has been diagnosed with autism).
While most people dream about going to Disneyland for Sam it is literal heck.
So we left Sam at the hotel while we went. Sam was completely okay with this, the rest of our vacation we did things together as a family so we only left him for 1 day. I checked in with him throughout the day, he watched anime, went to the pool, and just had a nice relaxing day.
Honestly, he had a better time than me and my husband did, it was too hot, too loud, and too crowded plus the 5 kids. But all the kids had fun so that’s all that matters.
That night we went out to eat all together (with Sam of course) and my daughter posted pictures of the trip on social media. Not even 1h later MIL calls me screaming.
She said that Sam isn’t in the pictures, that people will wonder why he isn’t there and it looks bad.
My MIL doesn’t give a crap about Sam, she is the kind of woman who is obsessed with “what will the people say,” she also spends more time on social media than my kids always wanting to have the “perfect family” image, she also is ashamed of Sam’s autism.
We’re mostly LC with her. I told her Sam didn’t want to come and to but out, I know what is best for Sam, not her. Later I started getting calls from SIL and BIL saying why didn’t we take Sam, that he would have been fine, that people think we neglect him etc.
We’re back now and had a great time together.
But I’m still getting calls from the In-Laws, even a friend of mine says we should have either taken Sam or not gone. Sam is okay with it but I worry. Maybe I should have taken him? And I feel bad for telling MIL off like that. I don’t know what to do.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and oh my goodness, I want to hug you for respecting Sam’s feelings like this.
Please don’t allow your Mil or anyone else to change your mind even a little bit.
I’m not on the spectrum (as far as I know), but I am intensely introverted, and love nothing more than curling up in a corner with a book while the extroverts in my family bounce around. Suffice it to say I would’ve LOVED to receive the level of understanding you’re showing.
Could never understand why they were so bothered, I wasn’t hurting anyone!
It was not until I was an adult that I realized the problem was that I wasn’t behaving ‘normally’, and that makes a lot of people very uncomfortable. The good news is, again, you’re not actually hurting them. And you’re fostering a wonderful relationship with your son, who now knows he can trust you with his feelings.
Focus on that, it’s what actually matters.” Shoereader
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think the judgment is obvious at this point but I wanted to comment anyway. I’m autistic, and it’s really nice to see how accepting and accommodating you are to Sam. You’re doing an amazing job at balancing a neurodiverse family, this is the most heartwarming AITJ post from a parent of an autistic child that I’ve ever seen.
I was forced to do a lot of things as a kid that I didn’t want to, out of my family’s sense of “fairness.” All it led to was distress that caused meltdowns and increased my lifelong anxiety issues. I’m so glad that Sam has you as a parent and doesn’t have to experience that.
If your MIL brings this up again, maybe tell her that you’re acting in Sam’s best interest, with his consent, to accommodate his disability.
That’s what you’re doing, and you’re doing it very effectively and compassionately. Good job, keep being awesome.” Dermatobias
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – believe me, Sam was exactly where he wanted to be. My son also has ASD and high anxiety and we will go places and he will not come with us. He is happy we haven’t forced him to do something he doesn’t want to do and we are happy we got to do the thing we want to do.
Which will include going to theme parks sometimes. Everyone is happy and if anyone has a problem with it then it’s their problem, not mine.” Odd_Regular_991
12. AITJ For Letting My Daughter Have Lazy Days?
“I (36F) have a daughter (17F) and we have a good relationship. I would say in 6th grade my daughter has been carrying herself well. She has an after-school job, tries to buy herself her own things, makes As and Bs, helps around the house, etc.
When she started high school I noticed that her style switched up. She normally wore sweats, hoodies, sneakers, and oversized shirts.
She didn’t wear makeup and kept her natural hair out in different styles 89% of the year, only getting it combed on special occasions such as Christmas and her birthday. Now she wears skinny jeans, crop tops/small shirts, high heel boots/slippers, and a face full of makeup. I asked her if she changed her style up for high school and she just smiled and said yes.
So, I thought nothing of it. (Though half the time I saw her, she looked like she was trying to get comfortable in her clothes. Looking back, that’s exactly what she was doing.)
Well, about 3 months ago I overheard my husband (35M) talking on the phone saying how he told our daughter to start carrying herself better by wearing makeup, better clothes, and going to study groups.
I was honestly shocked. I didn’t think he’d do that since he had problems with his parents because they made him dress and act a certain way and he hated it. I didn’t confront my husband and instead went to my daughter. I asked her if her dad told her to start dressing like this and doing study groups.
She was silent and then said yes. When I asked her why, she said “He said that I need to dress a specific way, look pretty, and be smart if I want society to accept me”. I was furious and he told our daughter that. She shouldn’t need to fit standards to be accepted. She then said she found it hard to concentrate in class because she was uncomfortable.
I went to my husband that night and asked him about it and he didn’t deny it. He said almost the exact thing that my daughter said he said. “She needs to start dressing better and be smarter if she wants to fit into society” I literally blew up at him saying that he’s making her change to fit into today’s toxic standards of women.
He then said that he doesn’t want our daughter to be an “outcast” because of what others think of her. I then told him it only matters what she thinks of herself. He went to bed angry and didn’t talk to me for a while. I told my daughter that she can start having “lazy” days where she wears what she used to and doesn’t go to study groups unless she wants to.
She said she grew to like the crop tops and boots, but it’s just the small shirts, bottoms, and hair that bother her. So, every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, she wears sweats, boots/sneakers and the shirts she likes without makeup. She only goes to study groups on Wednesdays. She’s been visibly happier since she started her lazy days.
My husband recently found out about it and called me a jerk for telling her to be “lazy” and not care about her appearance or intelligence.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ. These aren’t “lazy” days, you are just giving her the freedom to make her own choices and chose what feels most comfortable for herself. That’s not lazy.
That’s just not being controlled by her father.
High school is hard enough without having your own parents also pressuring you to be something you aren’t and implying you aren’t good enough unless you meet certain standards. Please continue standing up for her and maybe seriously talk to your husband about educating himself. His mindset is outdated and controlling and when directed at your daughter, very misogynistic.
Maybe he is just parroting what his parents said to him, but he can learn to do better.” galaxysucculent
Another User Comments:
“Im going with ESH. Your husband is putting gross sexist pressure on your daughter to dress in certain ways, and you compromise by saying she only has to abide by his disgusting rules about half the time? She shouldn’t have to do this garbage any percent of the time.
She’s practically an adult. She should have pretty high-level authority over her outfits. The study group thing isn’t quite as big a deal, but it’s kinda unclear how she’s doing in school without them. If she’s doing fine then it is also a pretty weird demand. At least it’s not this dude demanding his daughter pretty up for him.” eggynack
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Please remind your husband gently that unless he changes his thinking, he’ll simply become an echo chamber of his toxic parent’s thinking.
Society will ALWAYS find a way to cast someone out. A few examples ;
Clothes are out of fashion
The it group doesn’t like you
You’re performing better than the average in class, creating envy and jealousy of the “teacher’s pet.”
Too fat/thin/tall/short/girlish/boyish
There are thousands of reasons why people are shunned, why people shun one another. You cannot gratify every single person in society. It’s just not possible.
What you can do, is arm your daughter with that knowledge. That there will always be the jerk out there who’ll try to demean her, break her dreams just because the jerks themselves are insecure about something.
Forcing your daughter into a mold of what is assumed to be most successful and popular, is NOT the way to go.
Ask your husband if he is prepared to lose his daughter’s love, respect, and any future contact if he becomes what his parents forced upon him.
It is up to HIM to break the cycle of parental maltreatment.” Shifting2Wolf
11. AITJ For Disabling The Tracking On My Car So My Dad Can't Track Me?
“So for context, my (M18) previous car’s transmission was busted and I needed a new car, preferably a hybrid or something electric as I’m going to be commuting to college and back, about 45 miles.
Now, to me, it seemed like my dad had his mind set on a Camry hybrid as a replacement after we’d gone out to a couple of dealerships to look for cars. Lo and behold, I’d come back from my shift at work the next day with a brand-new electric BMW in the driveway. I was completely shocked as I’d never thought he’d buy something that expensive, especially for me.
I’m not one to ask for anything because it makes me feel entitled. That’s why I got a job in the first place, so I can spend on myself. The next day I took the car out to my work in the morning and came back. My family had decided to go out to the beach when I got back home.
I quickly changed out of my uniform and got ready to go see a couple of friends. I got home about 30 minutes later and got a phone call from my mom asking me where I was. I assumed it was because she saw the cameras around our house of me leaving. I told her where I was and that was that.
Later I decided to go out with my brother and my friend to go eat and then meet up with some other friends. At one point we were at a charging station and I got a call from my mom again asking me where I was. It was an odd question, but at this point, I wasn’t starting to realize what was happening.
I lied and told her we were somewhere in the opposite direction of where we were at. I then hear my dad in the background yelling that I was lying and that he caught me. It turns out that my dad has also set up an account on the car that allowed him to track where it was. I was extremely upset and 20 minutes later I deleted my dad’s account from the car so he couldn’t track me anymore.
Later I get another call and it was just my dad yelling his soul out at me to get home immediately. I knew this was because he realized he couldn’t track me anymore as I’d deleted his account.
I used to do the same thing with my old car and never had a problem, but now that he could track me all of a sudden everything changed. I barely have any freedom as is and I thought that I might have some with this car but it was just the complete opposite.
When I got home I put the keys on the table and went up to my room without saying a word. I later got a notification that my account was deleted from the car. I honestly could care less because I had had the car for less than 24 hours.
The thing that bothers me the most tho is that he had no clue about being able to track the car when he first bought it for me.
The second he realized he could the car was no longer about me, it was about him. The fact that I got three calls shows he tracked me three times at least and I was asked where I was twice. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Did your parents purchase this car for you entirely? If so, I believe they’re probably entitled to set their own rules in order for you to use it.
However, these rules and stipulations should have been discussed and agreed upon prior to accepting the car. I do not think it’s right that he was tracking you without your knowledge and I think it’s kind of crappy that he took it away when you insisted on boundaries protecting your privacy. You’ve done nothing wrong here. You willingly gave up the car and I can see how you feel a bit violated in your trust in him.” DoloresMulva_
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you never should’ve lied about where you were at in the first place. once you figured out that you were being tracked you should’ve asked if that was a condition of having the car. you also did the right thing by giving the keys back because if your parents can’t trust you to be responsible.
Best of luck to you” harleyevo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I can understand doing a safety check WHEN you are very very late for example. But it should have been AFTER it was discussed with you and agreed on (the tracking).” PurpuraLiber
10. AITJ For Not Chasing After My Cousin's Toddler Because I Was Wearing Heels?
“I’m (22f) Indian, live in US.
My family and I visited India a few months ago and I quickly realized that one of my cousins (C,30sf) often handed her son (S) to other family members, who were happy to help out since he’s the youngest and whatnot.
But I also noticed that whenever C’s wearing anything fancier than jeans or pajamas, she never picks that kid up. C quite literally does nothing in those instances, doesn’t feed him or hold him or anything. It all lands on her husband or another family member.
The reason I went to India was to go to a wedding. My extended family was also part of this wedding so we saw each other a lot and the majority of the time everyone was dressed up.
Once after C asked another cousin (maybe 8f) to run after S, I asked her about it and she just said “It’s hard to deal with toddlers in a sari, especially if you’re not used to it and I barely wear one a few times a year.” Okay whatever, that’s fair ig.
So the event in question is this. We were at the main wedding event.
We were all wearing saris. This was maybe my 3rd time, ever, wearing one. We were all waiting around for things to begin when S starts to run off. I was standing next to my cousin and it was just the two of us in that area and she looks at me and goes “Can you go grab him?” This is where I might be the jerk.
I looked at her and went “Why can’t you?” and she responds with “I’m wearing a sari and it’s hard to control. My sari is more expensive than yours and I don’t want to mess it up, plus you can probably run faster since you’re younger.”
Could I have run after the kid? Yeah. But I didn’t want to. I was wearing heels and I don’t wear heels a lot so I’m not the best at running in them.
Plus, I’ve worn a sari like twice before, I was way more uncomfortable than she was. Also her reasoning of “not wanting to mess it up” really made me mad. Like she has a freaking toddler, she should’ve thought of that. I basically just said “Sorry no, I don’t want to run in this outfit, what if mine gets messed up?
Do it yourself.” She did, but not before calling me a jerk. The rest of the family found out and my mom laughed but no one else did and now, even though I’m back in the comfort of my house back home, I can still hear it being brought up when my dad talks to family in India.
So was this justified and just kinda petty or are these the same vibes as that kid who wouldn’t watch her sister’s baby when Sis was in the shower?
I can’t tell, some perspective would be great. AITJ?
Dialogues are not verbatim. this was spoken in my language so there’s also translation issues and also this happened a couple months ago but fall out is still there lol””
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ.
“My sari is better than yours, so if one were to get messed up by MY kid, I’d rather it be yours.” Get the heck out of here with that entitlement.
Your family can choose to cater to that ridiculousness. You can choose not to.” PaleontologistDry889
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It might have been a nice thing to do, but certainly was not a requirement. If the kid was about to get hurt, different story. Just because a parent is incompetent doesn’t mean the kid has to suffer. I saw another commenter mention cultural expectations, that is a consideration.
If you think you may have accidentally crossed some kind of cultural line it might be worth talking with your mom about what happened.” FrozenDuckFry
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- you are not her designated babysitter, if other relatives want to do it let them.. That’s her child and she needs to be responsible. Families always talk crap about other relatives behind their backs.
Ignore them when you’re back home, and by the next wedding, they would have forgotten about it and if not, so what. That’s her kid and she looks dumb complaining that someone else doesn’t want to chase her kid.” User
9. AITJ For Going Home During A Sleepover?
“Well me (14F), had a sleepover a few days ago. Some girl, let’s call her Jana, invited my friend and my friend insisted I come with her. I didn’t want to because the girl who was hosting the sleepover was super entitled and wanted everything to be about her.
We went and she immediately began to say her “room” rules. No touching her dog even if he came to us. No going to the bathroom without asking, No drinking bottled water from the fridge without asking, no waking up past 12 because she needs her “beauty sleep” and other stupid rules.
We sat and watched a movie for a while and then I went downstairs to get my bag.
When I came back I heard them talking badly about me, and my friend just stayed quiet. I listened a bit and Jana kept saying how she wanted me to leave. So I did, I put my shoes on and left.
My friend called me a while later asking where I was, and I told her I left. She sounded offended and asked why, so I told her I heard what Jana said.
She hung up on me, and yesterday at school, she ignored me. My mom told me I should have stayed and just ignore them, but I don’t know, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your friend probably hung up b/c when you told her what you heard, and she realized that you knew she didn’t defend you, she felt embarrassed & guilty.
Sometimes when ppl do the wrong thing, and they are emotionally immature, instead of admitting they were wrong, they make it seem like the person they treated badly is wrong as not to face they may be a bad person. Your friend knows she was a bad friend. And unless and until she grows up and apologizes to you, you’d be best to stay clear of yourself.
You didn’t do anything wrong. And your (ex)friend will not hesitate to throw you under the bus unless she acknowledges she did a bad thing and makes amends with you. I’m sorry that this happened to you and I hope things get better. I would’ve (and have) done the same as you. You didn’t owe anyone a goodbye, Jana didn’t even want you there and your friend didn’t defend you.” NonaOrganic
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If she was really your friend she would have defended you. She showed her true colors. Either way, this girl’s rules were insane. A dog comes up for attention and will usually demand it. If you had to use the restroom after 12 what were you supposed to do, hold it? What 14-year-old needs her beauty sleep?
Obviously, the parents are probably just as bad. I do understand the asking permission to get something out of the refrigerator though, that part is common courtesy. You might be better off finding new friends.” Vast-Writing-3389
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I wouldn’t be friends with this girl anymore. Friendships change a ton in high school (I’m a senior and have had a ton of friendships change on me).
Your friend doesn’t seem like a very good friend, you did the right thing. You removed yourself from the situation and that was the best thing you could have done. If she was quiet while Jana was speaking badly of you and then ignores you for being mature? that doesn’t seem like a friend you should keep around anymore.” Glass_Hxarts
8. AITJ For Leaving A 1-Star Review For A Locally Owned Salon I Didn't Go To?
“I (28M) live in a very small, rural town. We’re talking <5000 people, but it is adjacent to a college town. Given the size, most of the businesses around here are small and locally owned. Reviews go a LONG way as none of these places have a standing reputation of a franchise so people take reviews heavily into consideration.
I had heard good things about a hair salon in town (we’ll call it “Hair Salon”) and needed a basic cut, so figured I’d try this place out. I am not picky about my haircuts–on my days off of work, my availability is completely open and I don’t request a certain stylist, I will work with anyone available.
I called Hair Salon and a stylist answered. She was very sweet, and when I asked if they had any appointments available Saturday, she said the stylist who works Saturdays wasn’t there that day so I should call back when she is there to make the appointment and see what she has available.
So it is clear this place doesn’t actually have an administrative assistant or scheduling system, but rather the stylists know their own schedules and book independently. Ok, fine. I called back the next day and got sent to voicemail. I gave it a couple of weeks and called back yesterday, saying I could come in literally any day or time the rest of this week (I have some PTO I’m using up).
The woman who answered the phone today basically gave me the same answer as the first time I called but this time she took my name and said the stylist available would call me back. Spoiler–she never called me back.
So today I left a 1-star review on Google explaining that while I wished I had the opportunity to use the salon, I was never able to make an appointment, and explained the situation.
My reasoning is that businesses should want new customers, so making appointments should be the easiest part of the whole process! While I’d rather support small businesses, the reality is I could log onto Great Clips’ website today and book a same-day appointment instantly, and Hair Salon is making it impossible for me to use them. The owner responded to my review very upset and argued that the first day I asked for was Saturday and they only have one stylist on Saturdays, one of their stylists is on vacation, blah blah blah.
I just feel this whole situation could have been avoided if they had a scheduler and/or scheduling system, and I felt that was constructive criticism that could greatly improve their business. Now I am feeling bad, especially since the business (surprisingly) had all 5-star reviews prior to mine. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“So you’re NTJ, and this is why:
You’ve had first-hand personal experience with this business you’ve left a review on. You’ve actually made contact with them several times and you couldn’t get them to even try to give you their business, but there was still contact and “customer service” (or lack of, that should’ve been) being made. Like I said, it happened with you and your dealings with their business, and that review was specifically and directly related to your experience with them.
It would be different if you didn’t make direct contact with them and/or was going off of what somebody else said about the business and not your own experience. But from what you said, you had every right to leave a review.” Please_Do_Share
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am a stylist at a hair salon where we are all independent business owners who lease our chairs from the salon.
We are in charge of our own books. To prevent this exact scenario, we have access to each other’s books to book simple appointments. The stylist should have been able to book you for a slot a few weeks out when the next Saturday space was available. If that wasn’t possible because this particular stylist is picky about her books, they should have been clear about when she would be in and it is her responsibility to be very prompt in her responses since she won’t let others handle her booking.
This is the standard at every salon I have ever worked at that has independent stylists, even when I used to work at a space that still used paper books.” nonoglorificus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If it was just the one time that you called in Saturday and you left a review like that, I could see them being upset.
But you tried for actual weeks. Multiple weeks. To book anything. And you couldn’t even get through, let alone book something. That defeats the purpose of having a business. “I would have liked to have rated this from experience, but after multiple attempts to try to even get an appointment, I was incapable of even getting that far.” That’s a fair review.
And the owner is twisting it to try to make it ‘just that one time’. It wasn’t.
I mean, you could write back/call in and let her know that it wasn’t and that you’d tried to get an appointment repeated times and that was the crux, but you don’t owe her anything to help her make her business better if she’s not even willing to have a conversation and jumps straight to reacting.
Most smart business owners, particularly ones that go by word of mouth/reputation online, would apologize for your experience and offer to contact you to talk it through. Even if she didn’t do much after that, that’s the public response. Not ‘but wah.’” DNRmyDNA
I had a stylist who was frustratingly difficult to get ahold of on the phone. So I'd have to go to her shop and make the appointment in person. Which was annoying but I did it because I really loved the way she cut my hair and she was the only stylist available in town (and I also live in a very rural area, less than 600 people as of the last census and we're 30 miles away from the next). But had I had other options to go to, and if it were a new place I'd never been to, I would have absolutely be angry and left a bad review had I received the service above. Absolutely shameful.
7. AITJ For Lashing Out At The Principal In Front Of My Students?
We could all benefit by taking a deep breath and a few seconds to collect our thoughts before speaking our mind in situations like these.
“I (26F) am an English and Journalism teacher at a junior high. I was hired last year, and this year, I’ve been given a journalism class.
I wasn’t told I was going to have this yearbook/journalism class until the first day of school.
I was tasked with recruiting, building the curriculum, doing weekly newscasts, and creating the yearbook. I was shocked and a little excited because I enjoy doing these creative things anyways – I had been a part of both classes in high school and college. But my principal said that she’s known for a while and meant to text me over the break, but forgot.
So I was thrown headfirst into learning the 9th-grade curriculum and having to plan for a year’s worth of journalism classes that I could have been doing over the break. I’m flexible, I can do this even though it causes me anxiety.
Later on we get our students and they begin working on the yearbook. I take a two-week vacation (during which they did everything to prep for the yearbook) and I come back ready to hit the ground running.
During that time, my principal comes to tell me she wants the yearbook class to do a weekly newsletter on top of the newscast, yearbook photos, and other curricula that require grades. I say “alright” and put the idea to task. Another thing to fit into a 47-minute class weekly.
A few days ago, a student in my journalism class came to me in a panic.
She told me that the principal talked to her about doing a promotional video for the canned food drive and wanted the class to be in it. She added that the principal wanted them to film it and put it in the news. The student said the principal told her she was in contact with me about it. I looked at my email and phone.
No communication. I told her not to worry and sent the student on her way, but began to feel frustrated.
Today the principal throws the door open in my classroom and says “I need your kids for a promo! They’ll film it for the announcements!” I looked at her and frowned a little. Then she said, “I’m going to use your students.” I said, “No.” She said “Yes.” Then I asked her to step out into the hallway so we could talk about communication and timelines and how I can’t do everything last minute.
She said “I need you to be flexible” over and over again. Finally, someone called her on the radio, she got huffy, and told me that I wasted so much time being inflexible that she would have to find someone else to do it. I said, “That’s okay”. And she stormed off. My kids were glad I said no because they didn’t want to do it, but I felt like a jerk for doing it right then.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Oh, I was so ready to say YTJ BECAUSE you shouldn’t talk to your boss like that or some crap like that but you didn’t. They had unreasonable expectations. They had an unreasonable timeline. They were inconsiderate of your time, effort, and the work you have already put in. You didn’t tell your principal off, you simply told them “no”.
Which is reasonable. If it was that important to them, they would have gotten their crap together and talked to you about it first. Tell your principal “they are more than welcome to head up this project. That if they don’t have the time to do it, what makes them think that you do. Especially since they originally dropped the ball and you are having to make a curriculum, last minute when others got time to plan their lessons.
You love your class and you love what you are doing but you can not do what you can not do. That if they feel it’s important, they can take it on themselves”.
Hope your year gets better!” Automatic_Western_50
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – whenever leadership complains about inflexibility, it really means they’re livid that the staff member won’t be bossed about.
The prin tried to take advantage of your students and you put their needs first. If there’s any blowback on this, if the prin tries to pursue your unwillingness to comply, this is your first, last and only line of defense. The students don’t have the time and you’re putting their needs first. You’re best off having allies, find a colleague, mentor, or department head to back you up.
The “flexibility” argument is one of the most irritating leadership can pull. Adapting to circumstances is part of being a teacher, flexibility is best left to gymnasts and anyone who wants to stick their head up their own a**e.” goodie23
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m perpetually astonished by how much teachers end up taking on at the best of times, but this is absurd.
Forgetting the principal’s general lack of respect for both you and your entire profession, can she even just film the class without any prior notice? I don’t know where you’re located, but from what I understand schools in my area are absolutely not allowed to use photographs or videos of students without explicit prior authorization from their parents or guardians.
There are a lot of reasons, including protecting children from estranged violent family members or stalkers, and even maintaining the anonymity of those in witness protection.
Would her actions have violated any policies on that front? I realize it wouldn’t help you deal with her behavior and attitude in general, but if she’s been doing this in violation of any policies you do have in place, documenting this component specifically might give you another piece of ammunition in whatever file you may need to compile on her unacceptable behavior.” User
6. AITJ For Blowing Up At My Stepmother For Throwing Out My Stuff?
“I (20F) moved out two years ago for university and am still enrolled and studying, but decided a week ago to move back home to live with my stepmother (48F), and little sister (13F).
During those two years away from home, I had been living in a sharehouse near my university.
Nothing that happened there is terribly relevant, only that I decided to leave the sharehouse and move back home due to recently having a messy breakup with my ex who also lived there.
He still lives there but I couldn’t stand being around him so I decided to move back home.
Anyway, some backstory on how my stepmother has treated me.
My biological mother died due to complications while giving birth to my little sister, and I was very young when she died, but I still miss her so much. My father remarried VERY fast (not even a year after her death, I suspect that he had been unfaithful, but I have no evidence) to my stepmother. She moved in almost immediately.
Right off the bat, she didn’t seem to like me. I didn’t like her either, I was a child, I was grieving my mother, and I was furious that my father just went and replaced her with some random woman.
Right about up until I was a teen, she cooked for my sister and I, took care of me, drove me to sleepovers, etc. but wasn’t nice to me.
Eventually, she just suddenly stopped caring at all. She would cook for herself and my little sister, but never left a portion for me and would yell at my sister if she offered me any. She yelled at me often for little things.
My father was unable to do anything cause, well, he died in a reckless driving incident when I was 12.
It hurt like heck, even if he wasn’t a good parent.
My stepmother grieved and suddenly stopped being crappy to me. She even attended my graduation, would ask me about my day, and I began to start liking her.
As I said before, I left for uni at age 18, I kept in contact with her throughout and we’ve had a steady relationship.
I came back home a week ago, and when I returned, I found my old room empty. It had a bed and a nightstand, but nothing else. Drawings from when I was a child were no longer on the wall, old photos of my mother and I were gone, my awards from sports I did when I was younger, all gone.
I went to her and asked where my things were, and she calmly said that she tossed it. All. Of. It.
I angry cried HARD and couldn’t hold myself back from yelling at her. She never once asked me while I was gone if she could touch my things. In response to my yelling, she just said “if you really cared about those pieces of garbage, you would’ve taken them with you.”
I’m a mess of heartbreak right now. I’ve still been living and sleeping in my now lifeless bedroom, but I’m ignoring my stepmother and she’s doing it back. Sorry this was a long post, feel free to ask any questions. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I totally understand how you feel.
I moved out of the house I grew up in for a job that I had to relocate for (I moved RIGHT before) I couldn’t go back home and collect more stuff, and my mom always said “I won’t touch your room and it’s going to always be here”
So, I finally make it home a year later and my mom’s utterly decimated my room. She’s broken things that were expensive/meant a lot to me, and thrown out stuff that’s irreplaceable (my dead dog’s hair that I kept for a locket I was going to have made). She kept swearing up and down “everything’s there just look for it” but she’s the one who turned my room upside down!
I looked everywhere, and she said she’d look when she got home, but every time I asked she’d just hang up on me because it “made her too nervous”. So you know what happened? I’m done with her. I’m just done. She’s hurt me my whole life by disrespecting me and my belongings and lying to me. So I’m just done.
I’m sorry your stepmother has treated you this way but I guess you can just be done with her. She may end up kicking you out which will be something you have to deal with but I’d suggest just going NC because, for your own mental health, there’s no point.
My mental health has kind of improved since cutting my mom out.
It sucks because we were actually kinda close (despite her narcissism) but things I cannot replace are GONE because of her and her hatred for my stuff just EXISTING (The fur and other things that were irreplaceable were literally just on display on my dresser. She decided it all needed to be discarded/broken/packed up for reasons unknown.).” The-Moocat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, 100%! Due to one of my parents becoming mentally ill, I had to leave my Childhood Home and move in with my fiancé and in-laws. I was the family member who stayed the longest before I couldn’t tolerate living with this parent anymore. The house eventually became a hoarder house, and when I finally had access to it again a lot of my childhood toys and precious objects appeared to have been thrown out.
I was only able to salvage one of my childhood toys because it had been put into a separate storage area instead of my room. Now that I’m moving into my first-ever home with my fiancé, it still really hurts me to see that I only have a few reminders of the good memories I have my childhood. I am at the time still very angry about having some of the stuffed animals I had since I was little tossed, especially since the narcissistic parent decorate my room with only things that she liked, aka being an extension of her.
My heart hurts for you, I hope that you can make some new memories so that the ones stolen from you don’t hurt as much.” Fee-Natural
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It is perfectly normal for a college student to leave many, if not most of their possessions behind when they go to college because the shared housing students get is normally not large enough for all of a student’s possessions.
I didn’t even pick up all my stuff when I went from college to my first apartment. It wasn’t until he was getting ready to move that he told me to come to pick up what I wanted otherwise he was throwing away/donating the rest when he moved.
No parent should just throw things away without letting their child know so they can pick them up if they want them.” dublos
5. WIBTJ If I Refused To Babysit My Friend's Toddler So They Can Go Bungee Jumping?
“So, one of my (F 26) close friends, let’s call him Mike (33) has a 2 ½-year-old baby with his wife (33).
As I’m a good bit younger than him, he’s pretty much the only one of my friends who already has kids. He once opened up to me, that although he loves his daughter very much and is generally happy with his life, he does have the feeling of missing out on a lot of things now with a child, as he was kind of a late bloomer & very shy in his twenties, didn’t go out much, didn’t have too many close friends, married quite early etc., so I always try to include him when doing fun stuff with friends, although that means, that his wife has to stay home & watch their daughter.
For the past 2 weeks now, his wife suddenly started texting me a lot. It’s kind of random, bringing up topics about their romantic life & her personal issues with her dad etc. Although I’m a bit uncomfortable about that, I still try to answer her every day, as she doesn’t have many friends and I thought maybe she feels lonely. She then asked me, If I would like to join her & Mike on a weekend trip, & that she wants to surprise him with bungee jumping.
I gladly agreed, already thinking about how hilarious his face would look like, if I suddenly join them on a trip and then go jumping together.
Although his wife didn’t say anything regarding their child, I assumed their daughter would join us & her & Mike would take turns watching her, while we all jump. Yesterday, after we already booked the trip one week ago, she suddenly told me, after I laid out some funny plans to surprise Mike regarding me joining their trip: „I already told him that you will join.
Oh, and just that you are aware, I booked the tickets in a way, that me & Mike can go jumping together at the same time because I really want to experience that together with him, we didn’t do stuff like that since we got our child and I miss doing things like that alone with him, like you sometimes do with him & without me.
You will watch our daughter in the meantime & jump after, that’s alright, right?”
I was shocked. Obviously, I fully understand that she misses doing stuff alone with him, but I didn’t assume having to watch their daughter for like an hour completely alone (I have almost no experience with toddlers btw.). The way she worded it before we booked was, that in this particular location, 2 people can jump at the same time, so I assumed she meant that me & Mike/or her would jump first & then she’d / or Mike would jump after.
It now seems to me, like she wanted me to join the trip for the sole purpose of me being the babysitter. I really don’t want to do that to be honest and I’m also scared of doing something wrong with their kid. And part of me thinks I’m wrong/egoistic for that because without me Mike and her cannot jump together, which would make Mike surely happy, too.
But also, I don’t think it’s my responsibility to take care of her child, while I’m not a close friend of hers, not kneen on kids and feel manipulated to join. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Why would you assume you would jump with Mike, and not his wife?
You frame this as babysitting but it’s watching a kid for like…an hour and most of the time you would be with them.
You all go to the bungee location together, they get harnessed while you are right there, then you and the kid step back, watch the parents jump, then you watch the kid while they are going down and getting unhooked, etc. Unless I am missing something?
I think it’s very odd that you assumed you would jump with Mike and think that watching a child with their parents nearby for a short amount of time is “babysitting” and the SOLE reason you were invited.
But, I am not going to call you a jerk because if you aren’t comfortable doing that, then you aren’t obligated to do it. But I don’t think the wife is a jerk either because even I, a childless person, wouldn’t think what she is asking is overstepping, and she is also just asking.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! I can see why she’d want to jump with her husband but that doesn’t mean she should assume you’ll watch their kid while they do it.
Especially for something like bungee jumping where you have to sign a waiver like…. If anything unfortunate happened and someone was injured or st you’d be stuck taking care of the child while that is attended to. I would just politely but firmly say you don’t feel comfortable looking after the child by yourself. If they try to push it, just back out because it’s not worth it.
Mike’s wife seems like she might be a little jealous of you which is understandable but if it’s an open secret you’re not a fan of kids he’s kind of a jerk for going along with this plan even if it’s to please his wife.” breathofari
Another User Comments:
“Well, this sucks.
Here’s the thing: if I were you, I probably would******* up and watch the kid for an hour.
Heck, maybe it will turn out that you end up being a natural with kids, or just turn out to like the little bugger, and it will be a good experience. And maybe the wife didn’t realize she was manipulating you and the picture in her head about what was to happen was so clear to her that she didn’t realize it wasn’t what you were imagining.
But nonetheless, she did manipulate you. And it is not fair, and it’s not your responsibility, and you wouldn’t be a jerk for saying that you just aren’t comfortable with taking care of a kid and can you work out some other way to make this happen.
I would hope that you would choose to watch the kid anyway, but either way, you would be
NTJ.” IanDOsmond
4. AITJ For Not Accepting My Friend's Partner?
“So me(m20), my partner(21), and my best friend of 7 years (m19) moved into an apartment in January.
He didn’t have any savings at the time, so I spotted him for everything, $1,704. He was spotty on paying me back for a while and I thought it was just cuz he was going through some crap; we all do, so I tried to be considerate.
Fast forward a month and a half after we move in, I still haven’t seen a penny of what he owes but I don’t really care.
He starts seeing this girl(f18) (for reference, he was with this girl like 8 or 9 different times in the past, and she’d broken up with him). He starts buying her maybe $100 or so worth of maryjane every check rather than paying me back. I still don’t mind that much; it annoys me, but I let it go on because I trust him and I figure gell still pay me back eventually.
He then starts buying himself maryjane and smoking it in our apartment, I said it’s okay if it’s not often because our apartment is no smoking and he was hotboxing his bathroom. I asked him not to do it again but later on found out he and his girl did it while me and my girl were out at work.
We had a conversation about it and he said he wouldn’t do it again. We also had an apartment inspection coming up so that’s why I was strict about it
Fast forward 2 more months and him and his girl break up. He doesn’t leave his room at all and he smokes all day. I hear from a friend who told him he was glad they broke up because she wasn’t healthy for him, and he gets mad and dropped him.
She broke up with him because things are going too fast because he wanted her to move in cuz her parents weren’t treating her well. They break up for a few weeks and she leads him on the whole time while going out on dates and going to strip clubs, she was posting it on her story and was still having him buy her maryjane while breaking up.
A few weeks later, they get back together and she convinces him to move out to Alabama with her in October, which I find ironic after why she broke up with him, and he says yes. He’s told me many times small towns scare him and it would make him unhappy and I try to convince him it isn’t good to go.
He says he understands and then stops talking to me for the most part and lives with his gf
Fast forward a few months I haven’t really seen him but I end up in the hospital because of mental health issues, I was in the hospital for a while, but when I get out, he talks to me for a bit then leaves for 3 weeks or so to be with his gf and doesn’t talk to me, he comes back and I tell him I don’t like how his gf treats him and he doesn’t seem happy, he says he understands and leaves to be with her again.
then maybe a week or so later after I come home from work one night all of his stuff is gone and I text him and he says he’s moving in with her, he doesn’t talk to me anymore and he’s rude to my girl and I when we do interact. I’ve tried to be nice but now I don’t know anymore.
He still owes me $1,000. AITJ for not accepting his partner? I was told if I was a real friend I’d accept her as his other half.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But a lesson my dad always drilled into my head: “Never give something you intend to get back.” Give it with the knowledge you will probably never see it again.
It changes your boundaries with friends and also changes your perception of “worth.”” Background-Interview
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but what a mess… Your friend needs help and he is in a bad relationship. But he owes you a lot of bucks. DO NOT LET UP. Keep texting him for the bucks he owes. Don’t stop. Seriously. In this SPECIFIC case, do not take no for an answer.” Junelibee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Chances are, they’re going to break up again and he’s going to want to come back. Make him pay you as part of the deal if you let him.” LuluDistortion
Do they want judgement for going after the roommate for the money loaned? If yes then no, NTJ except for letting it go on so long. If it's just about the thing with the roommates partner, soft YTJ. While it's really great that you wanna look out for your roommate and help him out, after a certain point it just becomes nagging.
Anyone who has been in an abusive or toxic relationship can tell you that having someone constantly telling them they shouldn't do it, It's a bad idea, their partner is toxic, often just reinforces the things the partner has manipulated them into believing ("they just want to break us up, they can't see how much I love you, they're jealous, they want you for themselves, they're trying to control you" etc). So that's not gonna do any good and could even serve to isolate the victim further. Instead, voice your concerns once, and then just follow up by saying you're there for them if they need you (to a point, obviously don't let someone who consistently makes the same bad choice use you as a doormat, that won't help anyone).
3. AITJ For Threatening To Take My Mom's Dog To A Shelter?
“My mom recently got evicted from her apartment. This is maybe the 20th apartment/house she has been evicted from not to mention how many times she has lived with friends and been kicked out.
Ever since I was about 10 we moved almost every 3-6 months. As soon as I was able to, I got married and moved away.
My husband and I live a very stable life as far as housing goes but her situation never changed. Her last home was the longest she lived in any place on her own with her husband. They stayed there for a little over a year.
I love dogs, I have 3 and I am a hobby breeder (Goldendoodles). I rescued a pitbull from a winter storm this past February that is still with us.
My mama dog had a litter of 11 in May that just became old enough to get new homes.
My mom has burned all her bridges, so when she got put out and had no place to go she started sleeping on couches but mostly in her car. She has two dogs, one I gave her and one she has had for many years.
The one I gave her is still young and got away from her and ran away when she was sleeping at my sister’s (my sis was not happy- a whole other story).
About a week after she ran off I found her by a creek near my sister’s. This brings us to last week when my mom decided to go on a cruise with my sister and a few others (planned back in March).
She said she didn’t have a dog sitter for her older dog, her puppy is still with me. I misunderstood that to mean that she needed someone to come let the older dog out of the hotel room she was staying in 3 times a day. So I recommended she ask my nephew who lives with me if he could help out.
When she went on her cruise, I went on vacation to a different location with my family. I come back to her dog at my house. I immediately text her to say I think she misunderstood what I meant because I can’t handle any more dogs in my house. A message that she deliberately ignored and sent me a video of her on the cruise instead of replying to.
Fine, she comes back in town and I immediately tell her she needs to pick up her dog. She refuses. She argues with me about how two more dogs aren’t hurting me, how much I am just doing this because I hate her, she says that she doesn’t care that her dogs are using the bathroom in my house because my house already stinks (my dogs are all potty trained) and threatens to call the board of health on me for having all these dogs in my house (puppies are housed outside of my house).
The argument escalated to the point where I was just livid and telling her to come to pick up the dog or I would take her to the shelter. She called me heartless along with several other names, she still didn’t come get the dog though. She waited two more days to pick her dog up (I love dogs so I couldn’t bring myself to drop her at a shelter).
My sister thinks I went overboard but she wouldn’t even let the dogs in her house or backyard because she absolutely loathes dogs. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Mom is too. You shouldn’t have given her a puppy if she’s already having a hard time with one dog. If you love dogs so much you would have house-trained her dog while it was with you.
Additionally YTJ for breeding golden doodles. I loathe backyard breeders.
If either of your dogs were worth breeding you wouldn’t be breeding mutts with fancy names. You would be breeding purebred dogs.
I was also going to say anyone who loves dogs would never take one to the shelter. I see that you said you didn’t. I also note good breeders stand by their dogs for their lifetime and willing take back any dog a person is unable to care for.
You don’t sound like you are in any position to do that.” exotics
Another User Comments:
“Hobby breeder? So backyard breeder, huh? YTJ for treating living, sentient beings as a product to manufacture and make some bucks off of. There are responsible breeders, but based on your post you are not that. Responsible breeders have long (often times years long!) wait lists, take back puppies, have contracts, and serious vetting for potential clients.
You sound like a private puppy mill.” DowntownYouth8995
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Why would you give a puppy to someone who has a history of evictions and no stability? That’s irresponsibility on both you and your mom.” tcrhs
2. AITJ For Lying To My Parents About Which University I'm Going To?
“Essentially my parents set up a college fund for me when I was a little girl. They have been saving every year with the hopes that by the time I go to university I would have minimal debt.
This is very important to them. As I’m writing this the fund has well over 75k.
However, this comes with a condition, namely that I can only use the funds if I get into certain schools. These include MIT, Harvard, Columbia, Princeton, Caltech, or Stanford. Additionally, I can only use the funds if I enroll into a major that will be “financially profitable” such as CS, Engineering, or Premed. My parents were very insistent on this all throughout my childhood and told me if I wanted the funds I would have to get into one of these schools with one of these majors, otherwise, they would use the funds for themselves.
I guess they always expected me to get into one of these schools because I was never allowed to do anything but study. Every summer was spent interning for some company or participating in some coding or volunteering program. Hours and hours of AP classes that I didn’t really want to take. But I wanted those funds, so I worked hard.
Well, I didn’t get into any of the schools that were prerequisites to getting the finances, except for Princeton, where I was waitlisted. I ended up deciding on UMich Ann Arbor for CS. I told my parents I was planning on going there and, upon hearing this, were furious. They told me how I had wasted all their time only to end up at a state school and that they had worked hard for nothing.
So a while back they sit me down and tell me that since I failed to meet their criteria for getting the college fund, I will have to start looking for scholarships because they won’t be paying for my university. They called me lazy and stupid and a failure of a daughter.
Well, I lied to them and told them I got taken off the Princeton waiting list and was accepted. I told them I was going to reject the acceptance from UMAA and go to Princeton instead.
I forged an acceptance letter and everything. They got all of a sudden super happy, phoned all their friends and everything. They then accepted to give me the funds like they promised.
I fully intend to go NC with them as soon as I leave for UMAA. They’re probably going to figure out at one point that I lied. I don’t know how it’s going to go, all I know is that I have the finances.
But seeing them so proud, calling the whole family, and telling them I got into an ivy, it made me feel sort of sick, like there’s a pit in my stomach. I feel like I did a really bad thing.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“E S H in terms of their behavior, but I’m going to vote NTJ because you were basically forced into a position where your education depends on behaving badly.
Well, if they do that and they have brought you up to value education (as they should have, and clearly did), you’re going to behave badly; what else would you do?
In Judaism, there’s a concept of doing the lesser evil but still recognizing that it is evil and that you have to atone for it. That’s kind of where you are.
These are your parents, and your education is their place to fund as well as they can. I wouldn’t blame them if they didn’t have the finances, but I very well blame them for not merely putting conditions on it — not, in itself, a terrible thing — but stupid conditions.
Michigan is an excellent university, and you may well get a better education there than you would at some of the Ivies.
It has a reputation for teaching that a couple of the highest-prestige schools are losing, because they’ve been prioritizing research and admissions exclusivity. Add to that the fact that nobody, no matter how smart they are or how hard they work, can count on getting into the Ivies because there are literally more students with perfect GPAs and perfect test scores than there are spaces in their entering classes, and… well, if your parents haven’t bothered to do their research to understand how idiotic their particular requirements are, it’s not your job to suffer for their idiocy.
If they wanted you to respect their rules, they might have taken the trouble to make them worthy of respect.
I’m not sure how exactly your parents’ plan works — does the fund simply get handed over to you, in full, before the day you leave for university? I don’t know of anybody whose parents just hand over four years’ worth of college funds at one time; normally they pay the bills as they come in, one by one, which would ruin your plan.
So I’m not sure if this is something you can make work. But if you can, I’m not going to tell you that you have to shoot yourself in the foot in order to yield to your parents’ unreasonable demands. Yes, forging acceptance letters and lying in order to obtain funds are wrong, and frankly, if they want to sue you for the funds back sometime after they find out, they could probably do it, because they offered it to you only on conditions that you did not meet.
So recognize that for a whole variety of reasons, this may not be something you can pull off.
But if you can, I’m not going to tell you that you shouldn’t, under these particularly nasty circumstances. Do what you have to. But recognize that the lesser of two wrongs isn’t exactly right. It’s just what you’ve got.” VoyagerVII
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Unless your parents are complete idiots, they will figure this out sometime later this month. I’m surprised they haven’t figured it out by now, since I’m sure schools have started out sending bills for fall term which starts less than a month from now. I sure hope you’re a Michigan resident because $75k isn’t going to go very far for a non-resident who will be completely ineligible for financial aid after this year.
It won’t go very far for a resident either, for that matter.
With regard to financial aid, the only way students are eligible is if they submit a FAFSA application which is next to impossible without your parents’ cooperation until you’re 24 or meet one of the other fairly narrow requirements for filing without your parents’ financial information. Spoiler: having a big fight with your parents after absconding with $75k of their finances is not on the list.
Your parents sound horrible but this is a terrible plan.” YMMV-But
1. AITJ For Not Buying My Step Children School Supplies?
I don’t know if I would stay with this man.
“I (46F) am the stepmother of 3 middle school-aged children and my youngest who is 7M.
Last year my husband and I got into an argument when he decided to take funds out of our joint account and spread it evenly between the 4 kids for school shopping. The reason I got mad is because he didn’t actually buy the supplies, but just gave his ex change, and I later found that she used the funds for supplies for my 3 stepchildren, along with her other 3 children.
He spoke to her and she said she didn’t give a crap and that her kids weren’t going to go without. This conversation happened a bit over a year ago, and I set it in my mind to not let it happen again.
I opened a saving account right after without his knowledge and I’ve been saving MY finanes for school shopping in there instead of the joint account as I have been doing.
He doesn’t save at all and didn’t think to do that this year. So school shopping time comes around and he looks in the joint account, which is bare. He laments about what he’s going to do for school supplies and I said “you don’t have to worry about that for our son Bob, I have finances for his school shopping saved.” He says “good, give it to me so I can divide it and give my ex her share.” He was shocked when I told him no. I told him that if he wants me to buy supplies for our 4 kids, I would be glad to, but she’s not getting any bucks from me, just for her to pull that mess she did last year.
I didn’t hear anything for a few days until he comes home one evening and says that his ex went off on him and demanded funds for school supplies, so can I just give it to him. Again…no. Why does she feel that my children have to deal with less just because she has poor spending habits and poor choices in who she lays down with?
It’s not like I’m saying that I won’t share what I saved, just that I’ll buy the supplies for all 4 of the little people I’m responsible for, and she’s not getting the change.
The ex called me and asked me why we can’t do it like last year and I said because I save finances for school supplies for the 4 children I’m responsible for and that she should do the same.
She called me a petty b!t€h and my response to her was “I don’t give a crap because my kids won’t go without.”
Now my hubby, the ex, her baby daddy, and even my inlaws are calling me the jerk because I won’t share my school supplies fund with the ex, who I know is not going to use it for my stepkids.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
WHY is HE okay with this – her taking funds meant for his kids’ school supplies and her buying for kids that aren’t his? It isn’t his or your job to support her other kids. Is he that lazy and not wanting to deal with ‘drama’ and just lets her get away with whatever she wants?
I have a friend who had a child from a previous relationship. He got married and had 3 more children and his ex and her bf had 4 more children. My friend paid a generous child support for the 1 child he had with her – and she tried pulling this same stuff. Long story short she fraudulently filed for welfare benefits which automatically triggered child services to increase his child support (even though he had his child for 70% of the time) so he was supporting her children as well.
He threatened to turn her in and she dropped it and had to pay him back. But she also used his child’s social security number to take out credit in her name (at 7 years old). Yeah, it was a total cluster and a mess for years.
The point is – if she is doing this with school supplies you can bet she’s doing other stuff as well and you had better be informed and prepared when she does and have an exit plan.
Buy your child and stepchildren’s school supplies yourself and put their names on everything you can. The ex can get her children stuff on her own or apply at one of the many services that give away school supplies every year. We have many here that give kids backpacks full of school supplies. The resource is out there if she truly needs it.” 1moreKnife2theheart
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – this is the hill to die on. If your husband wants to support his ex’s children, he can do so on his own dime. They’re not your responsibility. You’re children are and you should be providing them with everything they need. You’re already being generous by providing for your stepchildren which you don’t need to do, they’re your husband’s and his ex’s responsibility.
Anyone calling you the jerk can provide her with the funds to pay for her kids’ things. They have 2 parents; they should not be relying on you to support them.
What exactly is your husband contributing to? He blows bucks like his ex and expects you to foot the bill.” a-_rose
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Don’t let down either.
She’s mad you called her out on her bullcrap. Take care of your kid and your stepchildren. Your husband needs to do better to. I have a feeling that he gives her finances for her other kids already. Also, expect for supplies to be taken from the stepchildren to the other children. She doesn’t care.” nifty1997777
Another User Comments:
“ESH You married into a blended family and now you are complaining when your joint resources are going to support that blended family.
You are truly the crap. It is your husband’s job to provide for those children and if you are married and hiding crap from him then that’s a huge problem. If he assumes you are taking care of that portion of the responsibility then correct him and say he has to do it, don’t wait until it’s time to buy the supplies.
You could have had an adult conversation when this happened last year but you didn’t.” Confused_gamer_time
