People Demand Answers For Their Queries Regarding Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
20. AITJ For Making My Partner Leave For Helping My Daughter?
“My daughter is 16 and has been really struggling with an eating disorder. It’s more managed now but before it wasn’t, once I knew I took her to the doctor, a therapist, etc etc.
The doctor has told us multiple times to, yes eat what’s needed for nutrition but it’s best to monitor quietly so it’s not like I’m forcing her to eat and she’s eating because she wants to, not being forced, also because it won’t last If you force so I’m doing it that way.
I’ve been with my partner for about a year and met my daughter a little while ago and I guess they got close and my daughter told her that she had an eating disorder but from what I know nothing more nothing less.
My partner has been trying to help with this, and It would have to be affective helping if it wasn’t not forceful helping.
You know when you kind of force your helpfulness onto other people but not really in the way they need?
I do know when my daughter eats, she has meals that either she or I make and she eats those so when they are gone I can see.
The point being not to ask if she ate or not, because as the doctor said it’s a reminder and she doesn’t need to be reminded of what she has, and emotional support will do, asking her if she ate won’t.
The other day my partner continued to go to my daughter and ask her if she ate, at what time, and what she ate, this is bad but the worst is asking how many calories it was.
I pulled her aside and told her that she cannot ask those questions to her and that if she wants to help to please try to do it a different way, take her out, and socialize, they both like movies, books, shopping bowling, etc, etc. they have a lot of the same interests.
She seemed like she understood.
Until I overheard her asking the same question again, she went into my daughter’s room and asked her ‘did you eat’ my daughter said yea, then proceeded to bombard her with questions about what she ate and the calories, at one point she asked to see the food bowl so she could see if it was good in there.
I brought her out of the room and told her that she either needed to stop asking those questions or leave because those are in no way appropriate, kind, or helpful, and I shouldn’t have to ask you multiple times when she knows it’s not helping.
She got mad saying that I was neglecting her needs because she should know if she ate, I said I know she ate, there’s a reason she has meals in there. Even if she didn’t she has no right to ask her that, I explained how I knew before this so she was aware.
She started getting upset saying I was kicking her out for helping, she didn’t realize she wasn’t, but then still said it was Just helping my daughter, and it was clear she was not even close to even trying to understand that she was not helping that’s why I told her she needed to go.
I’ve told this to some family but they said that she didn’t know and I just needed to be patient. But how many times do I have to explain the same thing until she knows?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are prioritizing your daughter as you should be doing.
And as someone who has struggled with an eating disorder/currently working through it, such intrusive questions are very uncomfortable and might make one spiral.
Your partner needs to respect boundaries. And mentioning calories? It sounds like she doesn’t respect you or your daughter, and instead is trying to make it about herself so she can feel better.
Some people need to get told a few times to make themselves realize that what they are doing isn’t helping, but it seems like she doesn’t care.” Icy-Expression-6539
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You were very clear on the best way to help your daughter and even gave her suggestions on how to help further.
She completely disregarded your instructions which were also the doctor’s instructions and were potentially causing your daughter more harm than good.
The health and well-being of your daughter are more important than your partner’s feelings and her need to be ‘helpful’.
You did the right thing getting your daughter help and advocating and listening to professional advice and you’re doing the right thing by making your partner back off.” emotionallydented445
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. You are A) following the doctor’s orders, B) the child’s father and therefore the only authority when it comes to your daughter at the moment which leads to C) where does she get the audacity to completely ignore and override your orders (doctor’s orders) on how to manage your child’s illness?
How dare she say you are neglecting your child’s needs?
Too many red flags here, OP. Miss Know it All will sabotage any progress your daughter makes and undermine you when you are not around.
This is not about her ignorance, this is about her stubborn belief that she knows more than you or the doctors even after being educated and told by the child’s father to cease and desist what she is doing.
You should never have to repeat yourself regarding something like this.” User
19. AITJ For Not Giving Half Of My Small Business To My Sister?
“I started a small business in July of 2020 and about 8 months in, I hired my older sister to do some administrative work for me. She had recently had a baby and was not planning on returning to work but still needed a little money.
She asked if there was anything she could do to help the business and I said yes. Her responsibilities included answering some emails, organizing existing spreadsheets, and reaching out to other businesses (which was her background, but none of the reaching out led anywhere). She clocked in about 5-8 hours of work per week and I paid her $25/hour.
I still created the product for the client, answered follow-up emails from the client, handled the financials, and ran the social media and website.
About a year in, we decided to do a ‘rebrand’. We hired someone to make a new logo and I built a new website.
About 5 months before the launch of the rebrand, she asked if we could “get something in writing” (an employment contract) and also expressed an interest in owning a part of the business. I told her we could definitely get something in writing and I would think about the part ownership.
Three months later, I suggested a 70/30 split to which she disagreed. She said she was looking for a 50/50. I said I was definitely not comfortable with a 50/50 and the highest I would ever go would be 51/49. She responded with ‘what’s the point of being part owner when your decision would still be the final say?’ Again, I told her I would think about it.
2 weeks before the launch of the rebrand, I was talking to my husband and made the comment about having to give her 50% to keep the peace.
He advised me to write down my financial contribution to the company vs hers. Obviously, the financial (let alone time commitment) was staggering.
I presented her with a spreadsheet of tiers to buy into the company. 10% for free and then tiered payments all the way up to 49%. She was very angry saying that I had blindsided her, betrayed her, and even went as far as to say she built my business.
I’ve apologized for not bringing it up until the week before the launch, but she refuses to speak to me. She refuses to come to family thanksgiving or Christmas and it’s tearing my family apart.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she worked 8 hours a week and you employed her and paid her well.
It is insane to think she should own any part. Your husband was very smart about having you list out the financial contributions, I would also write out the amount of time worked you put in versus her, then I would show her and any family interested the evidence.
A 10% stake is a token of appreciation to your sister for her help, not really something she is owed at this point. Probably best to let her go with a nice severance package to keep the peace at this point though.” Awkward-Train1584
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
DO NOT give her any equity. Even the 10% is extremely generous. She was an employee. She did work for you and you paid her for it, it’s that simple. She’s trying to take advantage of you.
Honestly, it’s almost always a bad idea to get into business with family anyways, as you can see now.
Just tell her you thought about it and seeing as it’s already causing problems you don’t feel comfortable with having her involved in the business anymore. Your relationship might never recover from this as is but at least you avoid a further headache down the road.” myheadisbumming
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Would you give joe blog off the street who worked for you for 3 months 50%?
You paid her a wage.
You never promised part of the company.
She wants it so she can pull an income without earning it. Guarantee she slacks off once she got it.
She didn’t build the business. You did. She didn’t put any money into it, she took money from it. When building a company or business the owner generally goes without an income for months and works for free. She didn’t do that.
She did the bare minimum to earn a wage and is now trying to guilt and manipulate you into freely giving her something you worked for.” Status-Pattern7539
18. AITJ For Going Off At My Mom For Yelling At My Kid?
“I (22f) have a daughter (7f) who can’t handle loud noises this also applies to people raising their voices at her as she will cry, shake and bite her nails.
I have made sure everyone knows not to shout at her as it makes her anxious.
She was at my mom’s (45f) house today because my mom wanted to spend more time with her, I happily agreed and managed to remind her not to play any loud music or shout.
I came to my mom’s house to daughter crying silently in a corner while biting her nails, I was so angry and made my mom explain turns out that while she was there my daughter accidentally spilled her soup on the floor breaking the bowl which made my mom mad and made her yell, I walked my daughter to the car then she told me she was too scared to see her anymore.
I went into my mum’s house and screamed at her for making my daughter anxious and she told me that I was a major jerk.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your mother was given instructions and she didn’t follow them. She’s essentially traumatized and burned a bridge with your daughter over a bowl of soup.
That’s not a good reason to yell in the first place, let alone at a child who appears to have hypersensitivity to sounds. It was an accident made made by a literal child, what good is roaring going to do?
The fact that your mother called you a major jerk when she’s the one who caused the issue should tell you all you need to know.
Unless she recognizes that she was the one who caused the issue and apologises to you and your daughter, you should not have her around your child. If she gives you further grief just make it very clear she chose a bowl of liquid food over her own granddaughter.” AdamOfIzalith
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for 3 reasons. First, your child has a severe mental health issue going on and likely has been mistreated. You need a treatment team and a behavior plan for her. Failing to get a shaking self-injuring child appropriate care is awful, specifically, it is medical neglect.
Second, your child’s mental health needs mean she should never have been left with someone not trained and fully on board with implementing the behavior plan.
You failed your kid by leaving her with an adult who is not going to do those things. Finally, if screaming at someone for wrongdoing is so awful, why are YOU doing it?
That is hypocritical. You seem to have a rage problem. Get help for yourself and your daughter.” TiredAndTiredOfIt
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A single shout just from being startled would have been unfortunate if it still set your daughter off, but understandable. Yelling at a 7-year-old to the point where she is crying in a corner?
What?! A dropped soup bowl calls for guiding her away from the hot soup and broken dish, checking that she is okay (no burns or cuts), and then getting her cleaned up, reassured that accidents happen and you’re not angry and are glad she wasn’t hurt, and settled while you as the adult clear the mess away.
After which you find more food for the kid.” ISTFMM
17. AITJ For Not Wanting To Stop Buying Junk Food?
“I (F20) live in a spare bedroom with a nuclear family while I go to uni. I have a contract with the parents who own the house and I pay them rent.
They have two kids aged 9 and 6.
The mother, who we’ll call ‘Carla’ (F35) is one of those Instagram crunchy parents.
She’s obsessed with organic food and healthy living. Nothing wrong with that, plus it’s her life.
The problem is that I sometimes buy junk food and Carla has asked me to stop. She said that the children see my junk food in the fridge or freezer (I keep non-perishables in my room anyway) and want to eat it and beg her to buy them the same ones at the shop and that they’ve been throwing tantrums at meals times and saying they want food like mine.
Sure I could stand to live a bit healthier but I really don’t think that’s any of Carla’s business, and I think she’s being super unreasonable by asking me to just stop buying junk food for myself.
I refused to stop buying junk food and Carla made a ‘joke’ saying ‘oh, well I’ll evict you in a heartbeat if I find someone who won’t tempt my kids with garbage’.
She said that she’s doing me a favor and that I should just cut my losses and stop buying junk food.”
Another User Comments:
“You’re definitely not wrong to live and eat the way you wish, but also she’s entitled to cohabitate with someone who makes her life easier rather than more difficult.
It sounds like this kind of sprung on you after you moved in. As such, while she has now learned a valuable lesson about screening potential lodgers and perhaps even providing an in-room fridge (?) you’re technically NTJ in this situation. She can’t just change the rules on you after the fact.
However, she is definitely not a jerk for asking you to leave if she does. Raising kids is hard enough, and she doesn’t need to create more headaches for herself. The longer she can keep those kids eating healthily before they run amuck on their own (forming proper palate and metabolism) the easier it will be for them to remain healthy into adulthood.
So you’re NTJ, but she needs to screen her next lodger better after you leave. It wouldn’t be unreasonable for her to have people eat junk food in their own room, out of the common areas. Probably if she had asked you to do that in the first place you’d never have moved in.
She has now realized how important that is for her, and can make it a criterion moving forward.” Whats_Up_Coconut
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, once she agreed to rent a room and share communal spaces with a tenant in exchange for money, she gave up the power to control what’s in the fridge.
She can burn through tenants until she finds one she can control, or maybe she’ll eventually realize that paying tenants get to choose what foods they buy and eat.
You should have 1 shelf clearly labeled and she can say to the kids, ‘no, that’s not your food, that’s OP’s food, we don’t eat food like that’.
There are actual parenting techniques to help kids through those meltdowns when they’re told they’re not allowed what they want.” Braign
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are right. You should be able to buy and eat the food you want, and she needs to teach her kids that they can’t have everything they want.
She can threaten you with eviction, but to be honest, she’ll be threatening a lot of people with eviction in the future because she sounds too controlling.
Can you get a mini fridge for your room? Just an idea. That way her kids won’t be able to see what you have for food and thus she won’t have a leg to stand on.
I’d start looking for another place to live if I were you, though. I’ll bet you’ll do something else that she’ll want to evict you for. It’s just a matter of time.” flappergirl35
16. AITJ For Not Accepting Help From My Stepmom In Planning My Wedding?
“My stepmom has been married to my dad since I was 7. She was the other woman in my parents’ marriage and she was also supposed to be my mom’s best friend.
I didn’t know her very well pre-affair reveal. She lived in another city and apparently most of my life and all of my sister’s life she and our dad had been sleeping together. This is not something I was aware of as a kid. My sister and I knew we didn’t have parents who got along after the divorce, we could sense the tension, once or twice we had an idea mom hated our stepmom, but she never said or did anything directly in front of us.
The vibe was just there. It did not stop us from loving our stepmom.
We found out what happened when we were 17 and 19. We felt so bad for our mom but our stepmom had always been good to us, and dad was good to us, so we tried not to let it change things.
After my fiance and I announced our engagement on social media my stepmom wrote a post about how she dreamed of this day when I was born, how she had been so excited to watch her very first baby grow up and get married, how she and dad had talked about it before I could walk.
She tagged my dad, but she also tagged some friends who knew her back then and who were also friends with my mom. The post was distasteful and honestly was exposing that she had always planned to have the affair. It did change how I felt.
I told her to take it down and apologize, she told me she did not regret the post and why wasn’t I happy she loved me that much. I accused her of trying to rub it into my mom’s face that she had stabbed her in the back and won the love of my sister and me after betraying her with our dad like she did.
She told me it was 20 years ago and mom should be over it.
I decided not to include her in any wedding planning. She is a wedding planner as a profession and I know she would want to, but I am not happy with her post. Mom was so happy when I told her.
But when my stepmom wanted to know when she’d be dress shopping with me and what I wanted her help with, I told her I did not want her involved in any wedding planning.
She and my dad are saying I am overreacting and should not be treating her this way when she has been a good parent to me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is the problem with deceit: you forget where the deceit ends and the truth begins. Being your mom’s former best friend, your stepmom has obviously known you for a long time but her post reveals that she’s had a close relationship with your dad for even longer than you were led to believe.
It also shows that sometimes when you give someone an inch, they take a mile. You and your sister showed so much maturity and grace by trying not to judge your stepmom by the person she was then and instead focus on who she is now.
Instead of being grateful for that grace, she got petty and basically showed you that she has no regrets for what she did. I don’t blame you for keeping her at an arm’s length from now on.” Mother_Tradition_774
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I would be brutally blunt with her that her post woke you up to the fact that she planned to betray your mom from the very beginning and that she’s legitimately proud of being a homewrecking mistress and that you no longer trust that she has, or has EVER had, good intentions regarding you and that, if you had realized just how predatory she has been about your family, you would have cut her off years ago, so she can count herself lucky if you even invite her to the wedding.
If your dad gets on you about it, tell him that the opinion of an unfaithful man is worthless to you and he will also be lucky to be invited to the wedding.” ProfPlumDidIt
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The audacity of them saying your mom should get over it when 20 years later they are the ones trying to one-up her, publicly humiliate her, and have refused to apologize.
Holy wow.
Looks like you didn’t get the whole truth when you found out at 19. They’ve withheld some pretty disturbing and creepy facts from you about when this whole affair started and their plan for you (I blame your dad as well, unless she literally is a stalker and abusive, but understand that might be more difficult to deal with).
You’ve done nothing wrong by cutting stepmom out of this situation. It’s her actions having consequences.” stophittingthyself
15. WIBTJ If I Cause A Scene At A Costume Party?
“So I (20f) am going to my partner’s (21m) birthday party, I’ll call him L. It’s a costume party with a theme of heroes and villains. I decided to go as poison ivy.
Some other costumes include wonder woman, Bonnie and Clyde, etc
L has just informed me that his uncles will be going as Winston Churchill and H****r.
L loves his uncles, it’s a family event and his uncles are known to be… controversial however I think there’s a difference between controversial and making a joke out of genocide.
Also, it seems they think Churchill was a hero…?
I’ve never met his extended family and I don’t know how everyone else will react however I don’t really feel like getting to know the uncles. I let L know how I felt and that I wouldn’t be drinking because I know that the second I have the confidence to, I will want to confront them and that won’t end well for me or anyone else.
I don’t know what to do, to be honest, I want to yell and scream at them for being so insensitive and disgusting to make a joke out of something so morbid and at a FAMILY EVENT nonetheless. There will be children there too!
L says I’m taking it too seriously but I think that makes him part of the problem.
Edit to add: I did not mean that I would yell at his uncles, only that I wouldn’t be drinking and I would not interact with them at all. L thinks me not drinking is going to ruin my mood the whole night and therefore everyone will know I’m not happy about it and that will cause a scene.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, although you’re not even taking this seriously enough; you should refuse to attend entirely. This is absolutely insane, and the fact that your partner is okay with someone dressed as H****r at a party – especially his birthday party but really any party he’s at – is an incredibly serious red flag.
And even though ethics are obviously the most important thing here, I think you need to be aware that this could mess up your life – if I saw pictures on social media of someone I knew (or their partner, to be honest) at a party with someone dressed as H****r, I would distance myself from them and not trust them in the future.
This could even ruin your friendships and career.
I don’t know who else is attending this party, but I can’t believe your partner doesn’t realize that the presence of someone dressed like that at a party would make many guests feel not just uncomfortable, but unsafe.
Like, physical danger, get out of here immediately and never trust anyone at this party again kind of unsafe. Especially with the current rise of antisemitism, white nationalism, and fascist sentiments. I would even suspect that the H****r uncle even though saying he’s dressed as a ‘villain’ is doing this because on some level he wants to make people feel uncomfortable/unsafe.
I suggest having one last serious talk with your partner. And if he doesn’t understand the issue, you should be warning every potential guest at this party that this will be happening, and then refuse to attend.” charonthemoon
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
They are acknowledging H****r as a villain, and wanting to ‘yell and scream’ is such an overreaction you’d have the exact opposite of the effect you want.
The kids won’t know or won’t care who he’s dressed as. If they know, they’ll probably think ‘yup, bad guy’ or maybe even ‘tacky, but accurate.’ And move on. The ‘but think of the children!’ pearl-clutching is a self-serving melodrama because you want an excuse to be the wokest at the party.
All of that aside, you need to examine your relationship with drinking. Your partner doesn’t think you’re enjoyable sober, and you lose control to scream and confront people while intoxicated. All of that screams substance problem.” millac7
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The fact that you feel so strongly about this and the guy (and his family) thinks it’s funny is a significant difference in morals.
It’s probably time to reevaluate this relationship. You feel uncomfortable and your partner is discounting your discomfort. Even worse, the uncles seem to find exhibiting this type of ‘controversy’ entertaining. Think hard about what a future with a family like that is going to feel like.
To me, family should be comfortable.
If you decide to stomach this family for whatever reason, please find a way to destroy the H****r costume. The world is a better place with one less H****r wannabe.” TekkerJohn
14. AITJ For Following The Advertised Dress Code?
“So I and my buddies (all of us 21m) were bored on Saturday night. We live in a college town for context. We were drinking and then decided to wander around and see if anything was going on (sometimes there are open house parties or things you have to pay a couple of bucks to go to).
While walking we pass a sorority house and they are saying they’re having an undergarment party for charity. The sign said ‘leave your pants at the door and party’ and had graphics of men’s and women’s undergarments. We went up to the guy at the door and gave in five dollars each.
He told us the theme and we disrobed and put our clothes in one of my friend’s backpacks. For context two of us were in boxer briefs, one in briefs, and one in boxers. We all had dark-colored undergarments if that makes a difference.
The guy laughed and shook his head but sent us all right in.
Once inside we realized we were the only ones wearing like actual undergarments we normally would. The guys all had t-shirts and novelty boxers that went past their knees or long Johns or some even had a bathrobe.
The girls all wore sports bras and either men’s undergarments or gym shorts. We felt self-conscious for a second but we decided we have nothing to feel embarrassed about (we’re athletes) and would just enjoy the party. We saw some guys we knew who laughed at what we were wearing and then promptly forgot about it.
We hung out with them.
The girl who ran the party came up to us and said our outfits were inappropriate. I said they were undergarments and she said they were too revealing and making people uncomfortable. Since we paid she said she couldn’t make us leave but said it would be best. I supposed we could’ve suggested getting dressed again but it was literally an undergarment party so we didn’t want to.
Some girls gave us some dirty looks the rest of the night but we partied on. Now one of my friends feels guilty about it so are we the jerks?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You wore what was advertised as the theme.
It would be different if they said they weren’t comfortable and offered your money back to leave but instead they threw the statement out of ‘you paid so we can’t make you leave’, hoping to guilt you into leaving.
They may as well have advertised a lingerie party while wearing hoodies and getting cranky at the odd girl who actually turns up in lingerie.
The only thing that would change is if your private parts was visible.” Status-Pattern7539
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think you did anything wrong with the undergarment, and I think it’s a stupid thing for them to kick off over seeing as they chose the stupid theme, but I’d say YTJ for refusing to leave somebody’s property when asked and staying for the rest of the night.
From what I can tell they were strangers also, I don’t really understand why you were all so intent on staying there, to be honest.” Sailor-Gerry
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you want to have an undergarment-themed party AND charge people for it, then you better be specific if you only want long johns, long boxers, etc., and I’d have told the girl such.
No way am I leaving a party I paid to get into just because someone is feeling uncomfortable that I dressed according to the theme.” 295Phoenix
13. WIBTJ If I Kick Out Wedding Guests Who Brought Kids?
“I and my fiancée do not want kids at our wedding. And that shouldn’t be a problem, plenty of people put that on invitations all the time and it’s fine.
My fiancé (24m) and his sister (21) are the youngest in their family by a good 10 years, so no problem there. And my family doesn’t have a lot of kids either. My maternal uncle and his wife have 2 kids (7m and 5f), and my paternal aunt also has 2 (12m and 6m).
And that’s it. And again, normally I wouldn’t even have a second thought.
But in 2019 at my oldest cousin’s wedding, she also specified no kids, and both of my aunts very deliberately ignored this rule and just brought their kids anyway. I think that is so disrespectful and so rude.
I understand not being able to get childcare, but I know for an absolute FACT that these two could easily get childcare options. My aunt with the boys is divorced, and I don’t know her ex-husband well so he wouldn’t be invited anyway.
Why can’t he watch them? The boys are there every weekend anyway. And my other aunt is absolutely loaded, and they have a regular nanny for the kids because mom and dad work full-time. There’s no excuse. They’re doing it on purpose, not out of necessity.
So I plan to get the ‘no children welcome’ message out very early, so our friends with children can find accommodations. I have complete faith that they will respect our request. But there is something in my SOUL that is telling me my family is absolutely going to ignore me and bring their kids anyway.
They did it to my cousin, what’s stopping them from doing it again? So I’ve decided to make it a demand, not a request.
Here’s the jerk part. I feel so strongly about this that I’m 100% ready and willing to turn them away at the door.
I’m honestly planning on it at this point. My wealthy aunt’s kids are absolute nightmares. The most spoiled brats I’ve ever met. (I feel evil talking so negatively about a child but I know they would ruin the day). The two boys are actually pretty well-behaved and probably wouldn’t bother anyone, but It has to be all or nothing.
It’s not fair to just exclude some of the kids. But on top of all that, I think it’s just the principle. You can’t respect someone enough to follow one simple request on their wedding day? That bothers me enough to make a stink and go a little bridezilla on them.
I usually pretty much go with the flow of life, but this is a hill I’m willing to die on.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you are sure they will pull this they are already making it so there can be no drama-free option here (unless you allow them to run roughshod over you).
This being the case, I’d either hire a bouncer or two and tell them that families who bring kids in defiance of your very clearly stated wishes will without exception be bounced — or I’d just not invite those people at all in the first place, telling them that their behavior at your cousin’s wedding has shown that they refuse to respect people’s expressed wishes at their weddings and so you are forced to take preventative measures to prevent the same thing occurring again, this time at your wedding.
If there is going to be drama anyway it might as well be all on your terms and done so they can’t ruin the day itself. Let them wail and gnash their teeth before and after, while not ruining the wedding day.” jwjnthrowawaykfeiofj
Another User Comments:
“The fact that this is a problem blows my mind. One of the few areas where etiquette is (supposedly) still super important surrounds weddings. The only people invited are the people named on the invitation envelope. If you have a wedding and want to invite the children, their names are listed below those of the parents.
If you receive an invitation and your children’s names are not spelled out on it, they are NOT INVITED. Yes, this means you, chickadees.
For my daughter’s wedding, one woman actually added a granddaughter’s name as accepting, also, even though her response card only had the woman’s name.
OP you are NTJ. You and your fiance (and immediate families, perhaps) are planning and hosting an event. Nobody has the right to decide who should be invited to someone else’s event, no matter what it is. Anyone who decides to bring another person of any age who is uninvited is unforgivably rude.
Period.” Entire-Ad2058
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I would tell them (I mean everyone, not just the people who would bring the kids) you’re going to do this. Give them at least a chance to do the right thing and show everyone else you were trying.
They can and will play dumb or make excuses on the day to try to make you look bad. But if they bring the kids after you told them not only that you didn’t want them there, and that you would throw them out if they came with them… well.
Those are their consequences. Trust your gut. If you think they’re going to try to disrespect your wishes, act accordingly.” otsukaren_613
12. AITJ For Telling My Brother I'm Not Moving Back In?
“My mom raised the 4 of us (27F (Me), 25M, 19F, 17M) as a single parent, and she was always the ‘cool mom.’ Baking cookies, playing video games, etc. She always said I was ‘the responsible one,’ so I became in charge of checking homework, making sure everyone went to bed on time and eating their vegetables, basically playing bad cop to Mom’s good cop.
She told me multiple times that her plan was for all five of us to live under the same roof for all time, and that I would ‘be in charge’ of keeping the family together. I said ‘screw that’ and moved halfway across the country after college.
We went no contact for a few years, but I reached out a while back cause I do miss them. I’d call our current relationship strained but pleasant. We avoid heavy topics and talk once in a while. I heard from the youngest, Ryan, that he had moved into my old bedroom a while back.
Cool, I quickly forgot about it.
Ryan called me the other day asking if I could help him with college apps. I happily agreed, but when we went on the Zoom call, I saw he was in my room. Not the room I had used, my room exactly as I had left it years ago.
Same posters, same bedspread, even the cardboard boxes filled with old clothes clearly labeled ‘THROW AWAY.’ Frankly, I was freaked out. I asked Ryan why he hadn’t redecorated, and he said Mom won’t let him, that I’ll eventually move back into that room and he’d go back to his old one.
I was mad. I managed to get through his college questions and had to lie down. That night, I texted Ryan asking if he had a PayPal or something and that I would send him money to buy new stuff and to PLEASE get rid of my old stuff because I am not coming back, and that was his room now.
The next day, I called Mom and told her what I told Ryan, and that it was messed up that she let him live in my room without changing it. She blew up at me, saying I was a selfish jerk and that I can’t have it both ways: either I’m not responsible for the kids, and I should butt out, or I am responsible and I need to own up to abandoning them.
This has stuck in my craw ever since: I do think it’s super weird, but if Ryan’s been living like that without complaint, am I just getting involved unnecessarily?
I quite plainly said that I don’t want to be responsible for the family anymore, but here I am telling them how to live.
My partner says that he kind of agrees with Mom, in that I should just drop my relationship with my family because I’ll inevitably try to take responsibility for them when all that will do is cause pain on both sides. He also said I’m a bit of a jerk for telling Ryan all that without clearing it with Mom first because that will just make things harder for him.
I feel like I’m going nuts here. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s great that you were able to leave despite your mom’s efforts at parentification. It’s messed up that she’s placing the burden of raising your siblings on you and trying to gaslight you into believing that you abandoned them.
I understand the need for you to physically cut off your connection to that home, and that having your room be frozen in time could make you feel like a part of you is still trapped there; hence the desire to change it.
That said, you shouldn’t use your brother to accomplish that goal for you.
Because he still lives with your mom, he still has to play by her rules (though they are messed up). And getting him to disobey your mom’s orders (i.e., redecorating your old room) could get him in a lot of trouble. Besides, if he does get into colleges, he may be moving out of the home soon anyway, and the money for redecorating may be better used for his college expenses.” VioletIsNotPurple
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The reason this upset you is that it is a clear reminder that your mom has delusions you will move back home and because you love your brother and want him to be comfortable.
So you said your piece, and now you leave it alone.
Your brother knows you don’t care if he redecorates, and your mom knows you aren’t planning to come back. What they do next is up to them, and you don’t need to get involved in it anymore.
And by the way, there is a whole middle between ‘being responsible for family’ and ‘abandoning’ them.
I call my parents almost every night and offer my opinion on a host of things. I call my sister every few days and we chat about all sorts of stuff. I can offer my opinion and advice, and sometimes even push them to do what I think is best (usually this is like going to the doctor or talking to each other about an issue they are annoyed about).
That’s family. By offering my advice/opinion, or even telling them when I think they are wrong, I don’t become fully responsible for them. I’m sure you are working through your issues of being asked to be in charge of an entire household, but just know, you can call your mom out for crap, and offer advice – and money – to your siblings, without having to move in and take over their care.
My advice is to just keep talking to your siblings, and not talk to your mom as much as you can.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ by any stretch of the imagination. What I would do in your shoes (here’s my advice, you didn’t ask for it) – recognize that your mother is going to be mad at any solution which doesn’t involve you crawling back to play the role she’s assigned to you, and will use whatever alternative solution to make you the bad guy (because that, too, is the role she’s assigned to you).
In recognizing that, you can also recognize you have the freedom to make your own role, define yourself, and not let her define your relationships with your siblings. Just tune her out as best you can, and build healthy relationships with them (which you seem to be doing!).
So you can, absolutely, send your brother money to rent a U-Haul to take all the old stuff to the dump, and when your mother tries to throw her pity party blaming you, ‘that stuff was old and broken and I value my brother enough to want him to have stuff that suits him.
It was my stuff to do what I wanted with, and I did, and if you don’t value brother enough to want him to have suitable clothes and furniture, well, I do.’
She doesn’t want the role of the bad guy? Fine, but she can only paint it on you with your consent.” soayherder
11. AITJ For Putting My Mental Health First?
“My dad and my sister do not get along. I don’t know why, they seem to always trigger each other and they argue often, even though my sister moved out years ago.
Most times when they’ve had very bad arguments (screaming etc) they always come running to me and ask me to help them communicate with each other and make them see each other’s different views, and it mostly works out. Our dad is kind of… weird?
Though. Probably a bit narc honestly, he’s quick to turn everything into an attack on him, for some reason. I try to stay out of their stuff although I’ve had my arguments with dad too.
Anyway, I was at home taking a nap when my phone started buzzing.
It was my sister, blowing up my phone telling me about their latest argument. My dad apparently said something stupid about my sister’s ex and it all went downhill from there. When sis confronted dad by saying ‘why can’t you ever think before you speak?’ He answered, ‘now you know what you’ve put me through all these years’.
Yeah… I told sis that it was okay to tell me about it, but that I won’t get involved in their drama, and she was ok with that.
About 5 minutes later, my dad texted me, saying that my sister left and that she was upset, and asked me to talk to her and that she should probably need to increase her medication (she’s been taking antidepressants for years).
I answered that I don’t want to be involved in their drama and that they need to sort it out by themselves because I don’t have the mental energy to do so. He texted back ‘why are you so mean to me?’.
I texted him back and said that I am not being mean, I am just putting up boundaries, and that I told sis the exact same thing.
He answered ‘what’s wrong with you two? Why can’t you say things nicely? You could just have told me that you didn’t think I was right, but instead, you have to be cruel to me like this. I am so tired of you being mean to me.
In my world, people are nice to each other, especially family, and don’t assume the worst all the time. I shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells around you and I am saddened by how you choose to treat me.’
I answered: ‘I’ll have to stop you right there.
I refuse to be involved in your crap this time, I gave both of you the exact same answer because I’m sick of always being the one you both come running to whenever you’ve had an argument because I somehow got the role of a family therapist. The only thing I did is I put up a boundary and told both of you that I don’t have the energy to have that role anymore.
I didn’t pick sides, I just told you to solve your own problems because I feel awful right now, ok? I don’t have the energy to solve your bickering. Fix it yourselves if the family is so important to you because apparently, my mental health isn’t.’
Yeah… he hasn’t answered yet, but at least I suppose their argument is solved because I’ll soon be the bad guy over this.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re 100% in the right. You shouldn’t have to be a counselor or mediator for them. The guilt trip is ridiculous on their part.
Your mental health comes 1st. You’ve put up with the drama enough and I’m glad you set boundaries and put your foot down. If they don’t respect your needs and feelings, you should step back from them for a while.” Notlikeyou1971
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You are not responsible for the way others react to your boundaries. It seems like your sister was okay with it and your dad threw a temper tantrum. In my opinion, your dad needs a lot of therapy and counseling, especially if this is constantly how he communicates.
He’s been feeding off of you and your sister for years and as soon he’s been cut off from that energy and interaction, he views it as a personal attack.
It is not your job to keep the peace and make sure that everyone gets along.
Either he can solve his own problems, hire a professional to assist him in solving his problems, or deal with the consequences of walking all over your kids. My stepdad and I are similar to your sister and your dad and it took 8 years before I finally told him that he can either get himself together, or we will no longer be in contact.
Your sister seems like she’s been able to get herself together and act like an adult (for the most part) but your dad hasn’t. And I’m assuming that your sister is a teenager and that they live in the same house. After moving out, my stepdad and I don’t see each other nearly as often, therefore we don’t fight as much.
And it finally took us sitting down and having an actual conversation about it before we were able to communicate effectively. It’s been a lot better. If your sister needs help with this she is more than welcome to contact me about it. Best of luck to you and your family.” for_whyy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Everything you said was 100%. You set a simple boundary, your dad disregarded it by unloading his self-victimization onto you. It’s hard to tell from a singular instance, being an outsider, but if your dad does have narcissistic traits, you could try looking into how to handle them more effectively.
It would be more so for your own sake than his.” SummerOracle
10. AITJ For Ruining Christmas?
“I (28m) do not drink, smoke, or get high. Because of this, I’m often asked to do things like babysit or be a designated driver for friends/family (I’m always paid for it).
My extended family all live 13 hours north of us so I rarely get to see them and because of the global situation, this Christmas will be the first time I’ve seen them in four years.
The issue: I have an aunt who is basically on thin ice with my entire immediate and extended family.
She’s one of those ‘brutally honest/no filter’ types of people but cannot take what she dishes out. Since 2017, she will occasionally foster children but, not so much for their own benefit as it is just to make her look like a good person on social media.
She’s been repeatedly told they can’t come to family gatherings because everyone in attendance is usually drinking, including her, and she repeatedly tries to get other people to watch them for her. I received a message from her three days ago, I had her blocked but she apparently deleted the old account and made a new one.
The message basically boiled down to her asking if I can watch her kids during Christmas because she knows I don’t drink. I haven’t seen my family in four years and she knows this but she wants me to ignore them to watch her new foster kids.
I didn’t reply but instead, screenshot it and sent it to my dad, her brother. I’ve since learned that the entire family has cut her out for this and everyone is super mad at her actions and things are tense. No one blames me but I feel like there’s going to be drama come Christmas time and it’ll be my fault for causing it.
So, AITJ for potentially ruining Christmas?
Edit to add: she only does short-term foster situations, like when the kids are removed but waiting for relatives to be found. I think the longest she’s had some was one year, and that was due to the global crisis.
I should also add that kids ARE allowed to family gatherings. We’re just at a point where there are no young kids in the family, although there are two women currently pregnant. Her foster kids aren’t allowed because she keeps trying to have others watch them.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You didn’t ruin a single thing. She wants you to ditch Christmas with your family that you haven’t seen in almost half a decade to be a babysitter for her kids so she can have an excuse to prop herself up on a pedestal in front of your family and to get wasted again while she pawns her kids off on someone else.
Your aunt needs to grow up. She can watch her own kids if she can’t find anyone else to do it. Go see your family for Christmas and don’t feel any regrets about it. She ruined her own reputation with your family. You haven’t done anything wrong.
Don’t take the blame on anything for anyone who clearly has messed up priorities. That will never be your fault.” CyclonicHavoc
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ for wanting to spend your Xmas with family, but I feel like everyone is being a jerk to the foster kids.
They don’t get to celebrate with their foster family and get pawned off on other people, just reinforcing that no one really wants them. I don’t know if your assessment about why your aunt gets foster kids is accurate, but it would have been nice if the family embraced them and treated them like family as long as they are there.” OkCaterpillar7770
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – It is not ruined. Your family does not support her request and neither do you. ‘I feel like there is going to be drama…’ – based on her behavior there will likely always be drama. Time to set a boundary and stick to it.
Do not sacrifice time with your family. Do not watch the children; this is what you want.” DesertSong-LaLa
9. AITJ For Taking Back My Invitation?
“I’ve had a trip to Amsterdam planned with my best friend for months and I’m leaving tomorrow. She has lived there for a year and I’ve really been looking forward to seeing her. A girl I recently started hanging out with found out about the trip yesterday.
She also knows my friend and asked if she could join.
When she called me I was in line at the drive-thru and had to stop talking for a second to order. She was saying how her parents would pay for her last-minute trip and asked to join.
At that moment I said sure without thinking.
Her coming would be a huge inconvenience. She would have to find her own sleeping arrangements because there isn’t enough space at my friend’s house. We’d have to meet up with her every day and then try and work her into all of our plans.
My friend later called me and agreed that her coming wouldn’t be a good idea. I called this girl later in the day and explained that we’ve had these plans for a long time and that her coming along would complicate things. She then started screaming at me about what a jerk I was.
Am I the jerk for telling her she can’t come? I honestly can’t see how, and considering how she blew up at me I think it’s better she’s not included.”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You shouldn’t have said yes.
You should probably spend some time evaluating why you did – it’s not uncommon to have some people-pleasing tendencies and have a hard time setting boundaries. Those are really valuable lessons to learn.
If you couldn’t give the conversation the needed attention because you were busy you should’ve said that.
At a minimum, your answer should have been ‘I need to check with my friend first’ because they’re not just your plans. It was ‘really’ crappy to say ‘yes’ to this.
She shouldn’t have blown up when you said ‘actually this won’t work’ within 24 hours.
Especially if nothing has been booked. People make mistakes and sometimes have to admit they made the wrong call.
It’s reasonable for her to be sad and disappointed. She needs to express it like an adult – not by screaming and name-calling.” littlebitfunny21
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. New friend shouldn’t have invited herself last minute, but you shouldn’t have said yes without talking to your best friend – as I understand it you are traveling specifically to see your best friend and will be staying with your best friend, so she deserved the courtesy of a consult before you invited a new friend along.
Tell new friend that old friend wasn’t up to it, that your trip is focused on catching up. Of course, you can’t stop her from traveling to Amsterdam on her own, and should she do so if she really wants to go, you’re sure that you may be able to meet up one day for coffee, but otherwise will be focused on spending time catching up with your best friend.” Common_Shoe_4634
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, although more so the girl who wanted to join. She shouldn’t have tried to come at the last minute.
However, your being distracted is no excuse for telling her ‘sure’ you did not mean it. Why wouldn’t your reaction be ‘let me talk to (friend in Amsterdam)’.The friend probably was very disappointed and felt badly/excluded.
Although the girl was the jerk for cussing you out, but she probably perceived this as you doing this to be mean, since you basically said ok and then went ‘psych!'” Dcc456
8. AITJ For Not Wanting To Travel With My Newborn?
“We were invited to multiple family events that take place shortly after our newborn was born. Admittedly we were ignorant of how much work this is going to be and also all the risk of illnesses when they don’t really have an immune system in the first couple of months.
Before the baby was born we RSVP’d to a couple of these events, but we have since rescinded all of our all RSVPs because we don’t want to travel right now.
We’ve started to get the guilt trip from family and friends saying they want to see the baby and now they won’t be able to because we aren’t going to these family events anymore.
We have told the family that they are welcome to visit us but the number one complaint we hear is we live about 2 hours away from everyone and it’s quite a trip for them just to see the baby. They were also planning on seeing the baby at the events rather than making the trip out to see her at our house.
I think the biggest problem is we originally planned to attend these events and have since decided against it. This messed up the plans of other family members and now is preventing them from meeting our little one.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Any of these family members have kids of their own?
If so, they should know better. Traveling with a newborn is HARD. Not to mention that there are safety risks (especially right now with the flu and RSV running rampant). You just had your life completely turned upside down and you are still figuring things out.
Your extended family should be understanding of that. You aren’t a jerk for putting your family and your baby first. If they want to see the baby that much, they can come to you.” PlaysWithFires
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your first priority is protecting your child.
The global crisis is still in existence. Not only is it not safe to take a newborn to multiple events, but it’s also not practical. Having to log baby items back and forth, messing up the baby’s schedule over and over. Don’t even get started on the rest you’re probably not getting.
It’s very selfish of your family members to not realize that and instead of making the trip themselves to visit your newborn and yourself who just went through childbirth, they expect you to drive 2+ hours to see them when they are the ones wanting to see the baby.
Absolutely not in the wrong here. It is not like you’re living in a whole different country. It doesn’t require them having to board a plane to see you. You need to stay firm, set up boundaries early, and let them know if they would like to see the baby, they need to set up a time and drive to you.” Chantalle22
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You took the time to rescind your RSVPs to the events in question. That was the right thing to do. If these family members want to meet the baby while the baby is this young, they need to make the effort to come to you.
It’s hard traveling with a baby. There’s so much stuff you have to take with you, plus there’s the risk of the baby getting sick. The baby is too young for immunizations.
Maybe a good compromise would be a family zoom or Skype call. Or FaceTime, I think, if you use apple devices.
Your baby is too young to travel safely and they don’t want to drive for two hours to visit. They can meet the baby on a video call now, and then when you feel that the baby is old enough for safe travel, you can go see them.
Don’t let them bully you. Your baby’s safety and health come first. Congratulations!” ScoutBandit
7. AITJ For Being Annoyed When My Partner Invited His Friend To Join Our Date?
“On Saturday, my partner and I planned a date. We were going to the golf course and then to have dinner. I don’t really play golf but I enjoy riding in the cart, flirting with him, and occasionally chipping/putting.
So Saturday morning we made some drinks and headed to the golf course. When we get there my partner sees a friend of his, Chad, playing with some other people, so he waves at him and we say hey.
After this, we get a light snack and then start playing golf.
The round is going okay but my partner is getting annoyed that he isn’t playing so well. I’m still enjoying the sun and having fun putting and chipping.
About halfway through the round of golf, Chad pulls up in his cart. He and my partner start chatting and I hear Chad mention joining us and playing the back half again.
My partner agrees and gets back into our cart to move on.
I ask my partner if Chad is joining us and he says yes and asks if it’s a problem. I explain that I thought we were playing together and would prefer him not, my partner brushes me off and says we are still playing together a friend is just joining us.
The problem is we haven’t had a date in a while, Chad and my partner golfed together 2 days prior, and I don’t really enjoy hanging out with Chad as he’s kinda condescending and I get a little anxious around people I’m not close to. So instead of putting/chipping anymore, I just stayed in the cart and played on my phone.
We got into an argument after golf and canceled dinner. Now we are at a standstill where my partner says he didn’t do anything wrong and instead of having fun with him and his friend I ruined my own day and ignored them for my phone.
I’m annoyed he put hanging out with his friend before our date, but now I’m questioning whether I should have just tried to have fun with him and his friend. AITJ?
TLDR: My partner agreed to his friend joining our date, I’m annoyed he didn’t consider me first.
ETA: When I said ‘I don’t really play golf’ I didn’t mean I dislike playing golf, I just don’t really know how to play. My partner is teaching me but I’m at a very beginner level and still get nervous when other people are watching/judging.
Also, we are in our late 20s.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It was a date, not a hangout with friends. He asked if it was okay, and you said no, yet he still let Chad join. You were wanting quality time with your partner from the date, but he didn’t care/see that.
I don’t blame you for being on your phone as it no longer became a date when Chad joined.
He could’ve waited for another time, obviously, he’s golfed with Chad recently – and hasn’t been able to go on a date with you for a while.
Also, just because OP didn’t like golfing (edit: OP enjoys it, just doesn’t practice it), she still was having fun with her partner until Chad decided to join them. That’s still a date to do – a lot of dates are going somewhere to have fun and end it with a dinner/meal. She’s NTJ for a part of the date (eventually the whole date) being ruined because her partner let a friend join without OP’s permission.” KingPiscesFish
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I don’t think YTJ for wanting to have a fun date between the two of you but I do think it’s very childish to skip out to be on your phone and get so mad that you cancel your entire dinner scheduled for the two of you.
I think it would have been fair to express your concern and continue on with the day knowing you have something planned for the two of you later (your one-on-one date).” Avipony1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Golf is a perfect active date. It’s isolated enough that you have the illusion of privacy, you can have good conversations and you get to practice a skill.
Chad invited himself on a date. That’s tacky. You weren’t asked your opinion on him joining. That’s rude. Now your partner is blaming you for having an opinion on who you spend your time with and behaving according to your preferences. That’s jerk behavior.
Your partner does not get to do whatever he wants with no consequences.
Your partner made a choice. He is mad at the consequences of his choice and trying to manipulate you into never making him have consequences again. To me, this is controlling behavior. Just my opinion though.” Few_Improvement_6357
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Except for Chad, who probably didn’t know y’all were on a date since no one piped up to say so when he mentioned joining you.
Your partner sucks for not saying anything about a date and you also didn’t say anything to Chad about the date. You also suck at playing on your phone while they played.
My petty self would be over to Chad the moment he pulled up in his cart and once he said anything about joining and before my partner could say anything is when I’d say ‘well, we’re on a date’ and see what my partner does/says.
If my partner says it’s just the last half. If Chad said anything about the way I played, I’d remind him I’m a beginner and my partner is showing me how to play on OUR date that you’re cutting into, so you can zip it.
If Chad didn’t leave after that and kept playing but stayed silent, then when golfing is done I’d ask my partner ‘now can we continue our date ALONE for dinner’? And if my partner said anything to me about being rude I’d remind him that he let someone in on OUR date without informing the said person about the date and also it was a person who he played golf with just 2 DAYS prior.” GardenSafe8519
6. AITJ For Lying About My Pregnancy?
“My weight has been a lifelong struggle. I have been on the unfortunate receiving end of being asked if I’m pregnant when I wasn’t. It’s very hurtful, honestly, and I think people should know better than to ever ask anyone that question, and not just because they might insult a fat person.
Anyway, I usually answer that question with ‘nope, just a pizza baby.’ It’s awkward, and people have stammered and clearly felt embarrassed, but honestly, stupid games, stupid prizes, and all that.
Onto the story. A friend asked the question about 3 months ago. Thing is, this time, I actually was pregnant but had literally found out DAYS earlier.
It was way too early for me to feel comfortable sharing. In all my pregnancies I shared with close family at around 8 weeks and went fully public after the first trimester. So I ended up telling this person my standard ‘pizza baby’ answer. They were super embarrassed and it was very awkward, but we moved on.
Now I’m about 4 months along and most people in my life know by now. The friend who asked must have put 2 and 2 together and realized that I actually was pregnant at the time and is very upset with me, saying I lied to their face and in a way that embarrassed her.
They told some other mutual friends who are split on this, though my husband is on my side. So, AITJ for saying I wasn’t pregnant when I was, and making a friend feel bad for basically calling me fat?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because your health is nobody’s business.
But part of the issue seems to be that you keep letting them get away with inappropriate and invasive questions in the first place. You seem to have fallen into a routine of deflecting with humor because you are hurt, but then they aren’t being called out on the fact that they are overstepping the line.
Seems like it’s past time for you to gently let them know that you understand their intentions may be good, but you would appreciate your privacy being respected. If and when you have an announcement to make about your health, you will make it.
And then if they continue to disrespect you, it’s time to tell them not-so-gently.” Material-Profit5923
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, realistically you were 2 weeks pregnant at that point since the first 2 weeks of pregnancy are before you even ovulate so there is no actual pregnancy at that point. It would be entirely reasonable for you to have not even known you were pregnant 3 months ago when you’re only 4 months along now.
It’s absurd your friend is making a fuss about your medical information and when you choose to share it, but also something that happened months ago when it’s perfectly plausible you didn’t even lie to her and just hadn’t tested yet.” Tiffm09
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Even if you were or if I was in your shoes, I wouldn’t tell just in case the first trimester doesn’t go well… I know people who didn’t even inform their parents until the first trimester is over.
But also just being uncomfortable about sharing it is okay and you’re right.
If your friend refuses to understand, stop talking to them for a while just to let things settle. If they still refuse to accept your boundaries, it might be best to avoid contact. Maybe ask them why they are upset, but put yourself first.” CactusEar
5. AITJ For Declining To Be A Best Man?
“My friend asked me to be his Best Man, but I had to say no. He seemed genuinely hurt. But I just couldn’t do it. I’ve always been a shy, socially awkward guy and have never been good at talking in social situations.
Which is weird as my profession is as a DJ. But, my absolute worst nightmare is to stand up in front of a crowd, with all eyes on me, and give a speech.
I have literally had nightmares where I’ve had to do this. When I was at University, I had to take some kind of substances to be able to do any type of oral presentation.
It got so bad that my tutors just stopped asking me to do them. Which was absolutely fine with me.
But when my best buddy asked me to be his Best Man, all those feelings of dread came back. I said I would have to ‘Take a couple of days to think about it’.
Which I’m pretty sure to hurt him. Then his fiance started phoning me a day or so later, telling me that she doesn’t get why I’m being difficult. I just made up some stupid excuse about not being able to afford the kilt hire (I’m Scottish).
But she kept assuring me that it would all be paid for. Then I just told her the truth, that I’m absolutely petrified of talking in front of large crowds. She told me not to be stupid and just do it. The conversation ended and I told her no. The wedding was a few weeks ago and I never even went to the ceremony.
I was invited. But I just couldn’t handle it. I popped in for an hour or so to the night party but left pretty quickly. They’re now married and I’ve not heard from either of them since. So it looks like I’ve lost my Best friend and I don’t know if it’s my fault.”
Another User Comments:
“I’ve got a couple of thoughts.
First off, was there no communication between you and your friend about your phobia? I’m sure he would have understood considering how debilitating it seems to be for you.
Could the best man’s speech not have been handed over to another close friend of the groom?
I’ve seen many weddings where the bride and groom have more than one best man or maid of honor, so I’m sure you could have arranged something.
Skipping out on the ceremony entirely, though, OP? That’s pretty cold. You really should have gone, even if just as a normal attendee.
Why didn’t you?
It’s a shame to see what looks on the outside to be a pretty simple lack of communication lead to a complete breakdown of your relationship with your friend.
Incredibly soft YTJ. You should have worked harder to explain your situation, and to show up for your friend even if you couldn’t be the best man.
Try and see if it’s not too late to repair things with your friend. It would be a shame to lose someone who obviously held you very close.” miulitz
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You made it all about you. This was about your friend saying you’re my best friend and I want you there with me.
You couldn’t even do that much, especially since you didn’t even attend the actual wedding. Quit with the crap about all eyes on you during your speech nonsense. The vast majority of people feel the same way, and also don’t happen to hold a job that dictates that type of scenario.
It didn’t have to be a major long speech at all, you could’ve talked to him about it, even had it written down and just read it.” dart1126
Another User Comments:
“You’re definitely the jerk for not going to the wedding ceremony even though you were still invited as a guest. That was a situation in which you could have supported them and not been forced to speak.
I don’t actually think that you’re a crappy person because it seems pretty clearly like you have the kind of anxiety that qualifies as a real mental illness. But that said, you should have just popped a Xanax or whatever works for you and gone to the ceremony and cheered them on.
You might want to write them a long letter of love and apology and send them a really good wedding gift. They cared about you enough to offer to buy a kilt that didn’t even exist.
It sounds like once you made it clear that you were very serious, they stopped asking you.
He loved you enough to ask you to be his best man, but you weren’t present for the actual wedding ceremony. That’s a big deal. That’s the moment they got married.
I also understand why you lied, but I hope you understand why that made the situation worse.
Saying that you couldn’t afford it just made it a lot more confusing for them. I get why you did it, it was anxiety and probably a little bit of ego, but don’t do that again. It doesn’t make you a bad person, just learn from this.” User
4. AITJ For Giving My Cousin's Wife A Vacuum?
“My (40F) cousin (36M) married his wife (35F) five years ago, and in that time she’s been a welcomed member of our family.
She’s an academic and works as an assistant professor in a major city in the next state, although she doesn’t go to campus every day (she works from home the rest of the time). My husband (42M) and I stopped by their house a while to for an unexpected visit and were shocked that their house was a bit unorganized. It wasn’t horrible, but the floors could’ve been vacuumed and there were dirty dishes in the sink.
My cousin’s wife does most of the cleaning, but ever since she started her new job, she’s had less time for it because she’s always grading or teaching. My cousin doesn’t clean much because his dad is very traditional about gender roles and didn’t raise him to help his wife clean the house.
My cousin’s wife has done a good job of teaching him to do more around the house, but it’s been a long process.
When my cousin’s wife had a birthday recently, my sister (45F) and I decided to buy her a Roomba vacuum to help her keep the house clean.
My cousin had privately apologized to me after my last visit, for the house not being as clean as it could’ve been, so my sister and I thought that the Roomba would be useful for her. Well, apparently it wasn’t. She got upset at the implications that she was a bad housekeeper and that it was solely her responsibility to clean, instead of our encouraging our cousin to help her more often.
The thing that angered me was that my cousin’s wife donated the Roomba to Goodwill – if she didn’t want the gift, she could’ve returned it to me so my sister and I could’ve gotten our money back. I don’t think that I’m the jerk, because she could use the help, but now my cousin tells me that my cousin’s wife is still upset and won’t come to family gatherings.
The holidays are coming up, and everyone will ask where she is when she doesn’t show up. My cousin is mad because he’ll be in the middle and forced to explain her absence diplomatically. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Oh boy, YTJ big time.
First of all, with season changes, hectic jobs, and life in general things sometimes have to temporarily fall to the wayside in order to juggle the greater priorities.
You stopped by for an unexpected visit and you’re shocked that she was unprepared to receive visitors? I would understand concern if the house had piles and piles of stuff throughout making it impossible to move and creating a health hazard, but dishes in the sink and unvacuumed/unswept floors are nothing.
That’s just a normal, everyday life mess. Cousin’s wife also said she works from home – what do you think that means? That she’s just sitting around twiddling her thumbs waiting for something to do while collecting a paycheque?
Second, you say that your cousin’s father taught him traditional gender norms but it seems like your parents taught you the same.
Along with examining why you’re so judgemental, you should also examine what you’ve internalized and why you thought cleaning should fall to the woman in the family. Super weird cognitive dissonance on this front.
And finally: I’m glad she donated it. You deserved to lose money for reinforcing gender roles and suggesting your cousin’s wife isn’t doing enough.
Once you’ve gifted something you don’t get to choose what someone does with it.” aamfbta
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Nobody wants a vacuum for their birthday. Not even a Roomba unless they specifically ask for it. She contacted you privately and apologized for the house not being clean enough.
That means she was embarrassed and you made it worse with your gift. Once you give a gift it’s gone and no longer your possession to dictate how it’s used. Now, you’re allowed to be annoyed that she gave away an expensive gift you face gave her, but that’s not what you asked. Don’t buy women appliances for home as a gift solely for them unless you are 100% sure that’s what they want.
It’s not a gift for her it’s for everyone who lives there. Like your entitled cousin. Household chores are not gender specific. Would you dare buy a dishwasher for your cousin so he can get the dishes done quicker? No, I bet you wouldn’t.” One-Confidence-6858
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Why not give that Roomba to the lazy husband and ask him to pitch in? Oh, that’s right – because it’s rude to tell someone else how to keep house. This is the equivalent of buying her an apron and a feather duster for a present.
Not nice, very misogynistic, and you should be ashamed. Apologize to your family for her absence – argue with anyone who thinks you were in the right – explain why you were a jerk, and apologize to her by Skype right there and then.
Offer to leave and not come to any more gatherings if that is what she would like.
And get her a real gift. No whining about what you spent on the jerk Roomba non-gift. Someone that busy and stretched thin might like a nice dinner out (so she doesn’t have to cook) or a spa day. It takes no real thought to come up with literally anything else that doesn’t poke fun at the state of her home and cause her distress.” OtherThumbs
3. AITJ For Making My 16-Year-Old Daughter Get A Job?
“I (43f) have 5 kids, but only Rachel (19f), and Rose (16f) are important to this story.
My kids are homeschooled, Rachel finished her A levels at 18 like a normal school but Rose finished her A levels at 16, she is unable to go to university straight away like Rachel as they only accept 18+.
So instead of letting my daughter lie in bed all day, watching TV like she started off with (I let her have a month break because she’s worked hard) I got tired of it and told her it was time to get a job, it would look good for the university, and she can start saving up some money for the future.
She said she doesn’t want a job, she knows the university will want her as she has perfect grades.
I let her choose by herself for a month, but now I cannot deal with her lying in bed all day.
I sat down with her and we made her university application together, I pointed out she has no work experience (gently might I add), and then she started telling me to get off her back and she will get a job soon.
Rachel messaged me telling me that Rose is annoyed at me for always telling her to get a job, and how it is unrealistic to expect a 16-year-old to get a job.
I am concerned I am the jerk because she is 16, but I don’t think I am because she cannot expect to get into uni just because of her grades, she needs some kind of work experience as well.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, but there’s something here I haven’t seen anyone mention. Where are her friends? Where is her social life? Homeschooled kids generally have it a bit rougher in that regard, but you mention her laying in bed and watching TV for months without a single mention of a social hang in her calendar.
Encourage her to do something – volunteer, hobby, job, whatever – outside of the house because given the facts you presented, it seems your daughter might be well educated but woefully socially unprepared for university and life in general.
Most of what I found valuable about university was learning to navigate social situations, gaining independence, and having my mindset challenged by different people.
I can tell you, now being in the labor market, social and ‘soft’ skills matter even more than intelligence in most cases. I don’t know how it is in the UK, but in the US the vast majority of jobs in many sectors are acquired via reference and networking.
I’ve never even gotten responses from jobs I was vastly overqualified for after applying and been offered jobs I barely felt qualified for on the spot by someone I had met and made a good impression on.
I understand your concern that your daughter should do something with this time, but perhaps emphasize that it doesn’t have to be a thankless minimum wage job, but could be something she finds interesting, as long as she’s interacting with people outside the home.” losethemap
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. She studied hard and got perfect grades and her reward for finishing early and putting in all that effort to do it so efficiently she even has to wait to enter university is… to get a job? Sorry but your other kids got to be kids until they finished I’m assuming, so she doesn’t get that because… she… was to… good… what makes that a HARD YTJ.
Let her enjoy the fruits of her labor, if you don’t want her sitting around the house you should spend some time bonding and raising your kid so she doesn’t get lazy.” Public-Rutabaga4575
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Ask her what she plans to do for two years if she doesn’t want to work.
If she can come up with something that keeps her mind sharp and develops her study habits as she learns something she is passionate about, or that can provide her with useful knowledge or skills, that’s one thing, but if she plans to lounge about for a couple of years it would not be in her best interest to enable that.
Certainly learning what paid work is like will be a very useful experience for her and change her outlook.
What she can’t see is that two unproductive years of doing nothing and learning bad habits are going to hurt her in many ways. It’s not like she can just time jump to 18 and start university.
What she does in the meantime matters a lot and will change the course of her life.” jwjnthrowawaykfeiofj
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You are making her feel like her grades aren’t enough because there’s no listed job experience but grades were enough for Rachel because she took longer to learn?
Doesn’t make much sense and is very discouraging for her to want to continue doing well if it means being punished for finishing early.
I’d suggest repeating lessons on important subjects and maybe even some uni-level math and English assignments to keep her active in learning and retaining through the gap years, even if she goes to work it doesn’t take long for education to falter and regress, just like any skill things like writing and math need to be regularly practiced to keep up with their peers, it’s best to keep her on the school track if that’s the way you want her to go.” uselesstoil
2. AITJ For Not Giving My Jobless Wife More Pocket Money?
“We live in Europe.
The issue is the following: My (m27) in-laws halved the amount of money they give my wife (F23) each month and she wants me to make up the difference out of pocket.
For it to make sense I have to explain our finances.
I am a medical resident, my pay is super low frankly. But it doesn’t matter, because I have real estate properties and make a decent amount of passive income from rent. My wife does not work, because she is still in law school and her time is full between that and taking care of our son (2y).
So here is the situation. 20% of my income goes straight into our savings, which I will not budge on ever. About 40-60% goes into household expenses, this includes the nanny/housekeeper, food, gas, electricity, and my wife’s school expenses. The percentage varies each month of course but lately, due to the war all these expenses have risen, so it’s always on the higher side.
The rest of the money is split between my wife and me but not evenly and here is why:
Before we even got married my wife had an agreement with her parents: As long as she stayed in law school and kept her grades high she would receive a minimum wage from them.
So that she didn’t have to work and could focus on school. When we got married I promised to give her half of what her parents gave her each month. This way our monthly pocket change would be roughly the same.
This agreement has worked for the past 4 years.
Unfortunately this midterm her grades dropped. They’re not terrible mind you but her parents have high standards so until she can get her grades back up in February they said they’d half her monthly pay. I kept the amount I give her the same. Essentially she receives minimum wage now.
My wife has asked me to increase how much I give her to make up the difference. I refused, and I still refuse. My income didn’t magically increase in a month.
I pointed out that she had an agreement with her parents and me. That her decrease in her money is a result of her actions.
I upheld my side of the bargain. I told her she will just have to deal with a little less personal money for a couple of months until she can get her grades back up (I’m 100% certain she can do this).
She maintained this isn’t fair and that as her husband I should take care of her.
She said I could just lower how much I keep to myself or raise the rent since I already rent under the market price.
I told her I am not raising rent and leaving people homeless in these uncertain times, and that if I give her more from my own side I’d almost have nothing left for myself each month.
I really wish I could give her more, I do, but I can’t magically make more money, and I think I deserve a little for myself as well. In my opinion, her receiving minimum wage without working is enough.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
OP’s wife is a full-time law student, she doesn’t have a nanny and housekeeper, they both have a nanny and housekeeper to assist with childcare and housekeeping while both of them are very busy furthering their careers. Many students get financial help from parents while they are full-time students, but if that’s being withheld due to a drop in grades, then you two need to rearrange your household spending to assure that both of you are financially okay during this time.
The same financial rearrangements will occur when your wife starts her job full time and her income increases substantially, and it will happen again OP when you finish residency. One financial arrangement does not work forever especially when the situation is constantly changing. Please have a civil discussion with your wife and get off the internet.” aikattel
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Both of you depended on her parents’ original payments so that you could set aside 20% of your passive income for savings. You both have promising careers with potentially high salaries, so one rough patch should not be such a big deal. You should sit down with your wife and do a household budget you can agree on.
You are two young adults with more financial means than most people your age have and a family budget is not difficult.
Why did your wife’s grades drop and if it wasn’t significant, can you and her parents be more supportive? Decide if you are truly married and want to build a life together or if you are playing house while you complete your advanced degrees.” AdBeginning8030
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. Like you said, this agreement worked for her until her grades dropped and her parents cut the money they were sending her. That’s on her, not you. The selfish entitled attitude that she has by asking you to raise the rent in one of your rentals just to give her more money is absolutely ridiculous!
You don’t and shouldn’t feel bad about anything! You are paying all the bills if I’m reading this correctly, and you pay for a nanny/housekeeper and HER school expenses. So the money that she gets is hers to spend solely on herself.
Sounds like she has some growing up to do! Good for her parents too for sticking to their arrangements and holding her to a standard!” bromley325
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. And not because of the money question specifically. But because you guys knew she had to maintain apparently perfect grades to continue to receive financial help but proceeded to have a baby anyways.
Having a baby changed things. Home life is more involved and nobody adjusted to that. In your shoes, I don’t know if I would change the numbers anywhere. Another adjustment until the leftover money is equal probably. Because I don’t understand why people get married and then don’t see each other as equal players.
But that’s a me-issue and you don’t have to have that relationship equality. But if you knew she needed perfect grades for her parents’ continued support you should have wrapped it up double and not had any babies till she was out of school and had established her career.
Especially knowing you would not back her if her situation changed.” IThinkNot87
1. AITJ For Snapping At My Pregnant Wife?
“I (35m) and my wife (33f) are currently expecting our first child in December.
I live in chronic pain due to a slew of health issues, I also work a job where I’m on my feet constantly.
I can’t get a new job right now due to personal reasons, but I plan to as soon as possible.
My wife quit her job right after we found out we were expecting (we always planned this)
The problem is, she’s gotten really lazy. I understand pregnancy is hard, but it’s gotten to the point she won’t even make food or clean the house sometimes.
She’s been whining and complaining constantly since the moment she took the test. She sounds like a child. (I’m hungry I’m sore, my head hurts, I’m sick, I can’t take a dump, etc) I understood these things are normal during pregnancy so as much as it annoyed me, I bit my tongue.
The second I’d get home every night, she’d want me to do something for her.
She expected me to cook and clean as soon as I got home every night.
The straw that broke the camel’s back happened a couple of days ago.
I had just gotten home from a 10-hour shift and was having a flair-up.
I just wanted to have a bath and relax because I was in so much pain.
I told her I’d had a terrible day and to just door dash something. (I rarely let her do this because those fees are ridiculous so I thought it’d be a treat) but she said that she can only eat home-cooked meals and that everything else makes her sick.
This is where I might be the jerk.
I yelled at her and told her I’ve had the worst day and she needs to stop complaining and be an adult for once, she started crying. I immediately apologized over and over again but she left anyway.
A couple of hours later my MIL called me and called me a misogynistic jerk and a slew of other names. I hung up because I don’t need that.
Now the beans are spilled and all the women in our family are mad at me and my wife still won’t speak to me.
So am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“You are both suffering, both having health challenges that make you miserable, and both lashing out and taking out your pain and stress on each other. This isn’t a good thing, and life won’t get easier once your baby is born.
If anything, it will be tougher, and the consequences will be bigger because you’ll be parents with a child 100% dependent on you and your ability to be partners.
Both of you are no doubt seeing health professionals of your own on a regular basis. Can you discuss the overall situation with your own doctors, ask for advice, and see if they can refer you for couple counseling?
I don’t want to see all this anger and fighting once your child arrives.
I’m more inclined toward ‘no jerks here’ because you both have legit issues. I do think MIL is a jerk for meddling and name-calling, and your wife needs to put the leash back on her.” Rural_Bedbug
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You can’t ‘bite your tongue’ when a spouse is doing something that bothers you and then explode and yell at them without warning when they keep doing it.
If you have issues- use your words early, and respectfully.
Quite frankly a partner yelling at you can be scary, especially if it’s out of character for them or you are emotional. My hospital was constantly asking me about my home life because pregnancy is a dangerous time for a woman, it’s when you are most likely to be harmed, for Pete’s sake.
She is not acting like a supportive partner, and she might be being lazy, but she didn’t know you had an issue with it if you have just been ‘holding your tongue’.” ozziejean
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It seems to me that your wife treats this pregnancy as an excuse to be waited on hand and foot.
It doesn’t work that way – especially with a husband that has to deal with his own health issues as well.
There are plenty of women who have to go through pregnancy all on their own and therefore keep doing the typical household chores plus preparing for when the baby is there.
And why exactly did your wife have to quit her job right away – unless it’s an extremely high-risk job but I would guess they come with generous maternity/pregnancy leave?” Temporary-Deer-6942
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – this isn’t the pain Olympics.
Both of you are in pain and overworked (even while she lays about her body is working by stretching her bones and organs and creating a living being). You are both at your wit’s end and snapping and being less-than-supportive to each other than you should be.
It sounds like you two needed to workshop a solution before it came to this point, but it’s better late than never. Is there a family member or close friend who can stay with your wife for the rest of her pregnancy? They can help with any cooking or household chores she can’t manage so you don’t have a list of things waiting for you when you get home.
You both need to work together to come to a solution, it’s not you vs. her, it’s both of you vs. this bump in the road.” CrimsonKnight_004
