People Puzzle Us With Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
21. AITJ For Not Wanting My Brother To Wear Crocs To My Semi-Formal Wedding?
“My (24m) wedding is coming up this week.
I have for the last 6 months had a website up with example pictures of semi-formal dresses, which is the dress code for the wedding. These pictures show dress shoes with slacks and button-up shirts for people who don’t wear dresses.
I learned today that my mother (44) bought my brother (13m) Crocs to wear to the wedding because he had no dress shoes.
I thought it was fairly obvious that Crocs are not dress shoes, and I let her know that I would not want him to wear them, but to get nicer shoes, even offering to take him out and help him pick and buy new ones.
This made my parents really angry, with my adoptive father saying that I have it mixed up who controls who and that I can’t be telling “his wife” what to do with “his son.” Is it unreasonable for me to expect my family to dress nicely for my wedding?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, for the 13-year-old, you can buy heaps of comfortable shoes that would look acceptable with semi-formal clothes, not the Crocs. As a parent, I can understand not wanting to buy dress shoes for a 13-year-old because those would be worn once and kids’ feet grow incredibly quickly so in a few months those shoes will be small.
But you can get nicely looking dark sneakers without visible branding or light-colored details. Those will not draw attention in photos and would look decent for a kid attending the wedding.” It_s_just_me
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The website thing is a little extreme but clearly, you have indicated the dress code for the wedding, which is very common.
It’s weird that your parents think that Crocs would be appropriate for a semi-formal occasion. Do they simply not attend many social events? Like would they let your brother wear Crocs to a friend or colleague’s wedding and not their other son’s?
Because, based on your adoptive father’s comment and your mom’s reaction, this sounds like disrespect. They don’t respect your choices for your wedding because they still view you as a child. So it’s not an occasion in which they feel like they need to adhere to social norms. It’s not a burden on them because you offered to buy the shoes for your brother.
So they simply want to control the situation at the expense of your feelings.” Ordinary-Housing-859
Another User Comments:
“I’m on the fence here. Maybe everyone’s a jerk here. On the one hand, I don’t understand why it matters so much. You’ll be busy at your wedding making the rounds with your partner, dancing, eating, and drinking.
On the day of, how much will his shoes actually matter? Is the energy and the argument worth it? This could very well end up just being a funny story that you look back on. On the other hand, I understand that you went through the trouble of advising guests of the dress code and even extended yourself to buy items that will help him adhere to it, which is more than fair.
I don’t understand why the rest of the family is so against/offended by this. Again, what’s the big deal? Ultimately, in the grand scheme of the wedding celebration, there are simply more important things going on (in my opinion). Both sides are making a mountain out of a molehill.” ViscVal
20. AITJ For Stopping My Conversation When My Wife Leaves The Room?
“If I’m talking to my wife and she leaves the room I stop talking until she reenters the room. I’ve told her I think it’s rude to walk away when someone is talking to you.
She will then start talking about something else. I’ll tell her I wasn’t finished speaking. She says, well, you stopped talking.
It’s very frustrating. I don’t think I should have to follow her around to talk to her. She says I should learn to finish what I’m saying and not stop in the middle.
Our house isn’t big. I know she’d be able to hear me. It’s just the way I was raised. I don’t talk to people through walls. I speak face to face.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I understand your frustration. But it’s a little more nuanced than that – for both of you to consider.
Is one of you actively and in the middle of trying to get some tasks done? Does the leaving the room happen only after your wife has said her piece and now that you are the one who is trying to respond? Is it a lengthy conversation?
Is the topic an important one? Plain and simple, if your wife needs to get something done, she should let you know – Hey give me a minute to put the water to boil and I’ll be right back. If you see that she’s in the middle of cleaning the house and you decide to tell her a funny anecdote, then you should wait till you are not holding her up from the task she was already on (it’s like interrupting a previous conversation.) Your wife should have sympathy for your frustration and should actually care that you are frustrated and want to minimize your frustration.
She should also explain to you what staying in the room is costing her, and you should want to understand what makes her want to move and problem-solve together.
For example, if it’s costing her time to take care of something she was doing or if it’s that she doesn’t like to feel like she is being held in one place, or that your conversations can be overly long – the solutions to minimize frustration for both of you is different depending upon the reason.
Of course, if it’s just that she dismisses your feelings – well, then she’s not being a very good partner. It’s not always one answer all the time. Sometimes I need to tell my husband something, but I also know he has a short window to accomplish a few tasks.
I follow him around to share the info while he multi-tasks. Other times, I just wait to talk. Sometimes I’m the one who needs to move on to other activities. I listen as long as I can, then let him know I need to go or I ask him to give me a minute for something time-sensitive before I return to hear the rest in peace.
The key is that you both should be considerate of each other’s needs. Good luck on the two of you finding common ground with this.” swillshop
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to go against the grain here and say no jerks here – your wife is busy with some tasks.
I know it isn’t a difficult obligation for you to get up and move rooms for some instances if you perhaps have chosen to talk to her while she is busy. I like to multitask – I’m not being rude, I’m simply (for example) folding laundry and would also like to talk to you.
You could be easier on your wife and don’t take it so personally that she’s multitasking – however I sympathize with the frustration of not feeling properly listened to. My mother often does this – completes every other task while treating me talking a bit like background music, where she’s not really engaging or properly listening and it makes me feel kind of invalidated. Why don’t you guys just talk about this?
You try to accommodate her if she perhaps is completing chores or something and move into the rooms she works in if she is doing it methodically, and she can try to do us a bit more time on engaging with your conversations.” goatshepherd20981
19. AITJ For Banning Smoking At My Place After A Guest Used My Drinkware As An Ashtray?
“I’m not a smoker, so I don’t know what the smoking etiquette is.
I host board game sessions at my apartment regularly, and a friend of a friend went out on the balcony for a smoke throughout the day.
At the end of the evening when he was leaving, he asked me where he could clean out the ashtray. By which he meant one of my little cappuccino Nespresso glasses. It looked to me like he left some coffee in it, and then was tipping his ashes and discarded butts into the glass all night.
My initial reaction was one of disgust because it’s a glass I would use regularly, and even though he offered to wash it, he didn’t ask me for anything to use as an ashtray beforehand. I tried to keep my host composure, since he is a guest, but told him maybe he shouldn’t smoke the next time he came around.
I was just so overcome with disgust at that moment.
Later on, chatting with my other friends, they didn’t think it was a really big deal since after it was cleaned, it’s as good as new. One compared it to as gross as letting a pet lick a plate clean.
Another said that was just what smokers do, nothing inappropriate. Was I the jerk for being grossed out and telling a guest he can’t smoke at my place (even on the balcony) anymore?”
Another User Comments:
“Former smoker here. This is very much AGAINST smoker’s etiquette.
You don’t ash into a cup that people drink from. Believe me, smokers won’t ash into their own cups at home unless they’re disgusting slobs. You either ask for an ashtray or you ash into an aluminum can or glass bottle of something you were drinking from, if available.
You don’t ash into people’s good china. That’s gross.” JadieJang
Another User Comments:
“As an outside-only smoker on my own premises, I say NTJ. I would never dream of putting out a smoke in someone’s good cups, and would be angry as a hornet if someone did that at my house.
That’s nasty, and it’s so easy to say ‘Hey, I’d like to step outside for a smoke. Is there a place you would prefer me to dispose of ashes/butts?’ Now, I will say that sometimes you hit blowback from folks when you are super staunch about anti-smoking (not critical here, just stating how I’ve seen it go).
Some folks get angry if they aren’t allowed to light up outside at all, and some folks don’t like the idea that it clings to their clothes when they smoke in their cars/own homes, etc. The bottom line is your house, your rules. The game can be hosted elsewhere if needed, right?
Or, if you are okay with the balcony smoking, you can always invest in a small cheap ashtray. Just make sure all the butts are wet before you put them in your trash and take the trash out after so your house doesn’t stink!” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all, his ENTITLED behavior was just supremely gross! Assuming he KNEW he couldn’t smoke in your home he SHOULD have stepped outside (NOT on your balcony) to smoke. I have smoked for 37 years and I would NEVER use someone else’s personal possessions as an ashtray!
I have taken a smokeless ashtray with me if I’m going to visit non-smoker’s homes. Your friend’s friend was RUDE, presumptuous, entitled and probably shouldn’t be invited over again! That MAY seem extreme but if he’s entitled enough to help himself to one of your belongings WITHOUT asking, what ELSE has he helped himself to?
Best wishes and many blessings! Hope your next game night is a blast!” JipC1963
18. AITJ For Wanting To Move Out Of My Manipulative Parents' House?
“I (22f) have my mind set on moving out of my parent’s house. They are manipulative and narcissistic. They also guilt trip us (me and my sister (19)) into things that we don’t want to do. They seem like they definitely want to control us and the lives that we are trying to live.
This has been going on for almost 12 years. The whole time that I have been living in this house, I have had to say and do what they want me to just to avoid arguments. If I state my opinion or how I feel, they would immediately shut me down and bring religion into it saying things like “if you do this, you’re going against god and it shows that you don’t care about us.”
I don’t know if moving out is a little extreme in this situation but even when I try to have a civil conversation with them, they just yell at me. I’m planning on leaving sometime today since I have packed my things and have a place to go.
AITJ in this situation?”
Another User Comments:
“Dear heavens girl, get out of that toxic mess of a household and find out who you are and who you want to be. As an adult you get to choose this, oh yes you do! Some things to watch out for… Do not tell them beforehand as they will try to stop you.
Just go! They will try every kind of manipulation to get you back under their control and that will push your buttons. They know where your buttons are because they installed them. Might be best to have no contact for a while, possibly a long (LONG!) while.
They will probably use your sister to try to get you back under their control and might even fill her head with a bunch of nonsense, so just know and be prepared. That’s what narcissistic manipulators do. Hopefully, she’ll find her way out as well.
You will probably have missteps in your new independent life, but that’s what youth is for. It doesn’t mean you’ll be better off back with them. You are an adult and get to choose your life, so choose it! Be well and best of luck to you.
Please update! NTJ.” Blue-Being22
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Leave as soon as you can safely do so. Make sure you have all your documents, birth certificate, diploma, social security card, etc secure; probably store them off the property. Close any bank accounts they have access to as soon as you’ve left. I mean right away!
Have your own money, no credit cards in their name. Consider a women’s shelter if you have no resources. If there’s any way to take your sister, you should. But make certain she’s not going to give away your plans.” InternationalKick126
Another User Comments:
“OMG, they are horribly manipulative and try to emotionally blackmail you for not doing everything they want.
You should get out of there as soon as you can. And from the day you turn 18 on you don’t have to give them reasons as to why you want to move out. You are an adult and are free to move out and get on with your own life.
You will be much much happier.” [deleted]
17. AITJ For Not Wanting To Sign A New Lease After Transferring Schools?
“I’m a university student who signed a lease for next year with my current roommate, Jacob. However, a few months after signing the lease I decided to transfer schools.
As I wouldn’t be living there, I started to look for a subleaser. Jacob’s friend, Tom, said he was looking for a place to live and wanted to sublease. A week later, the leasing company had some mishaps with the unit we signed for. They told us they’ll void our contract and provide us with a different unit (and therefore a new contract).
This was convenient for me because I would be out of the equation and would have nothing to do with the new lease.
Everything was going along as planned until Jacob texted me to tell me that there was some drama between him and Tom, and Tom would not be signing the lease.
Jacob is asking me if I’d like to sign the lease.
As I won’t be living there and will immediately just look for a sublease, it doesn’t make sense to me to sign a lease. But if I don’t, I’ll be leaving Jacob high and dry.
WIBTJ if I just didn’t sign the new lease?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s Jacob’s responsibility to find a different roommate. DO NOT SIGN THAT LEASE!!!! The Gods are giving you a GIFT!!!! Do not screw yourself by signing that lease!!! Because you will end up being responsible for a place that you aren’t even living in!!!!
Do not ruin your credit this way!!!” Southern_Hamster_338
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s not your responsibility anymore. It’s different when you already were on the lease, it was your responsibility to find someone to sublet since you were still on the hook financially. But even then, it has nothing to do with Jacob.
But now that your lease was voided, it’s even less your responsibility. Jacob is a grown human. Have him find his own roommate.” pryzzlicious
Another User Comments:
“Do NOT sign that new lease. If they’ve voided your original one thank your lucky stars. When your name is on a lease you are responsible for payments.
If things go south, regardless of any verbal agreements you have with Jacob, Tom, etc, you could have the Rentor coming after you for payment even if you didn’t live there. NEVER sign a lease unless you fully intend to live there for the listed time and/or have funds to make payments in the event you don’t live there.” [deleted]
16. AITJ For Feeling Resentful That My Family's House Is Now Clean After I Moved Out?
“I (21f) have a complicated relationship with my family, especially my mum. We moved to our new house when I was 14/almost 15 and it’s only now being ‘properly’ done up. What I mean by that is:
1- our main bathroom is finally being renovated (previously it was functional but no tiles, paint, etc. It had been completely stripped)
2- ALL the carpet in the house has been replaced
3- the kitchen is having its final touches (painted, shelves installed, hinges being replaced, etc).
My siblings also all switched rooms which came with full makeovers. And they’re taking the cleanliness of the house seriously.
My brother actually cleans the bathroom on the top floor despite it being his chore since we moved in.
For context, when I was living at home, I insisted on walking outside of my room with slippers because there was always some weird liquid or goop on the carpet from my sister playing, or cat mess in the hallways because my mum refused to get our cats spayed and they didn’t have their own food/water bowls until I moved out at 18 (we had one litter box on the top floor but the cats were having some behavioural issues and would fight when they saw each other so one cat ‘took over’ the top floor and the other would just do his business downstairs in the back hallway).
The house was dirty, and despite my mum constantly cleaning, she never actually addressed any of the core issues. But now she is. The house looks (and smells) 10x better. And my mum has implemented a ton of stuff to help keep the house clean.
However, I’m feeling a lot of resentment because my siblings got a properly furnished/decorated, clean home whereas I got a broken down one that smelt of cat and dog mess. And I’m aware that my siblings also grew up in the same broken-down home as me, but they now get to reap the benefits of this new home.
I am also the eldest and was responsible for a lot of the chores by default while they would openly refuse to help out. The horrible state of the house was why I never moved back home after uni.
A few days ago, I arrived home for Christmas and my mum was going through the rules for the house to keep it clean.
I made a comment about whether my brother actually does his chores now and my mum says ‘yes of course he does! He’s been a great help and he takes his cleanliness seriously!’
Something about this really upset me because my brother would literally mock me until I was crying because I would get upset that he would refuse to clean the bathroom or vacuum.
I think I shut off after that because my mum asked me what was wrong and I said ‘I don’t know… I guess I feel weird because the house actually feels like a home now’. We talked a bit about it and later, I heard my mum crying in her room talking to her friend about what I said.
Money was never an issue with renovations, by the way.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It’s normal to resent growing up in a house that was dirty with a family that refused to help you try to make things better. It’s also totally fine to tell your mom about those mixed feelings and have an adult discussion about the ways that your childhood was less than perfect.
Part of parenthood is coming to terms with your own failures. No matter how hard you try, you’re never going to be perfect. It’s normal for your mom to be upset upon realizing the ways that she failed you, and that’s for her to deal with, not you.
Maybe there were reasons that she is just now getting her act together, but she still has to deal with the fact that she made your childhood and adolescence more difficult than it needed to be. In terms of your siblings, I would encourage you to remember that three years is a really long time for a child or teenager.
They’ve likely done a lot of growing up and maturing in that time, which is why your brother is willing to do his chores now.
Also, it makes sense that they would be more willing to keep up a nice house with their mom’s encouragement than to try to get a really dirty house into shape with their sister’s encouragement.
One is easier than the other, AND one has parental support whereas the other only has a sibling (aka the enemy) trying to nag you into it. I do think you should consider seeing a therapist to talk about all of this. I don’t know why your mom has made this change, but it’s normal to feel sad and hurt that she wasn’t able to make it for you.
Speaking with a therapist might help you come to terms with it so you can have a more positive relationship with your family in the future. (Or so you can feel good about keeping the distance you’ve established – both are valid options!)” piscespossum
Another User Comments:
“The oldest sibling from a chaotic household that grew up with terrible, unsanitary living conditions, then watched things change for the better when parents decided to be adults, but only in the years after you left home? Same… Same…. Burnt pancake syndrome is what my adopted family calls it.
The first of the batch always gets burnt if folks aren’t actually prepared and mentally ready to make a batch. The problem is that parents can learn to be better for the rest of the batch, but that won’t unburn the firstborn. A lot of the time, we the kids, dwell on this for ages and build a castle of resentment, rage, and despair.
Thinking our parents never loved us enough to actually try. We have to remember, they had no idea what they were doing and were likely dealing with undiagnosed mental illness and a past full of repressed trauma that they have never and likely will never deal with.
Loads of parents like to pretend as if it wasn’t that bad, or say you misremembered, or just ignore that trauma altogether. That was how they were raised. That isn’t an excuse it’s a statement. Now is the time to address what effect their decisions and lack of awareness and coping skills have had on us as their children.
Most times, they will blow it off and revert to their bad coping mechanisms in this conversation. That’s okay. You addressed it. You got it out of your mind and into the open air. Maybe that’ll get them to open up and tell you the story of their lives, if not, you still tried and it won’t eat you up.
Some therapy and some time is all I can say after that. I still can’t believe how different it was for my younger sibs, I still hold resentment, but therapy helps a lot. Low contact helps more, but we are getting there slowly.” OggyOwlByrd
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And I give you kudos for talking to your mom about it. Talk to her now with compassion. Do you think she was suffering depression or some other malaise that kept the house so dysfunctional when you lived at home? It feels like something positive happened, she finally got support, and it unfortunately happened too late for you.
I hope you talk to her more about it and gain perspective that helps you heal from that sad time at home.” Kathartic19
15. AITJ For Buying My Sister Chocolates Instead Of The Posters She Wanted For Christmas?
‘I (18NB) am getting my sister (15F) a chocolate box for Christmas this year because for years now she has not bothered with my gifts at all, Christmas or birthday. Usually, she gives me stuff she’s been gifted in the past like bath bombs or makeup which I can’t use due to skin irritation and also feeling gender dysphoria when I wear makeup.
She is well aware of this as I politely tell her when I open the presents. She doesn’t have a job and therefore no income which she uses as an excuse despite the fact our parents give her quite a bit of money to buy people gifts for Christmas and birthdays.
Last Christmas, she got our stepsister the dress and book she had asked for whereas I got an eyeshadow palette that I had seen her using the week prior and a notebook I had given her for school which she hadn’t used. I thanked her for it but later reminded her that I couldn’t use the makeup.
She shrugged and said, “well at least I got you something”.
What upsets me the most is our dad has a whole thing about us getting gifts for relatives that have a lot of thought and meaning. I say us but it seems this rule only applies to me.
I get her the things she asks for every birthday and Christmas. I pay attention when she mentions wanting something in passing and make sure to get it for her when her birthday and Christmas come up. She doesn’t.
A few weeks ago, I did my Christmas shopping and I knew she wanted two specific posters for her room but decided because she has made little to no effort for me, I would get her a box of chocolates from Hotel Chocolat.
I got a type of box she has said she likes in the past though just because I didn’t want to be an utter jerk.
This evening (the 22nd of December) we were having dinner and my sister mentioned she was going out tomorrow to do last-minute Christmas shopping.
I said “are you actually going to get me something you’ve never owned this year?” as a joke which I realize I shouldn’t have. She said “what’s that supposed to mean?” and I mentioned how she never puts effort into any of my gifts where I always do.
Then I said “well, as I always did” which was a bit of a jerk move on my part. She asked me what I meant and kept demanding to know what I got her for Christmas despite me telling her it would ruin the surprise.
Our dad chimed in and demanded to know what I got her so I said “a chocolate box from Hotel Chocolat”. She went off at me saying that she didn’t want a chocolate box, she wanted posters and I responded “you never bother with my gifts, why should I do the same?”
My dad is saying I need to go out tomorrow and my sister is calling me selfish and ungrateful. I feel quite childish and have apologised to her but she doesn’t care. I just want to know AITJ for getting her a chocolate box for Christmas?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your dad is being hypocritical. My family is like this, always favoring my sister whenever I call her out for treating me badly. I don’t speak to any of them anymore as an adult. Even though your comment was emotionally reactive, your action to give the chocolate is reasonable, especially because you still bought something new and something you remembered she liked. Don’t get another gift, and ignore their ridiculous comments.
I’m sorry your sister is acting that way. Giving those posters at this point would be enabling her behavior to treat you badly and giving in to your dad trying to enable her and punish you for her bad behavior. Keep your head up, you’re kind and it’s ok to enforce boundaries.” RedPandasAreCuties
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your dad needs to step in here, this isn’t your problem! She’s 15 years old, if she wants gifts that badly why hasn’t she gone out and gotten them herself?! You’re not selfish or ungrateful at all. It sucks when you don’t get what you want for Christmas but it sounds like maybe now is the time to sit down with her and say “look I know we’ve had a little bit of trouble getting along this year” (which seems to be true) so if you really wanted something specific why didn’t YOU go out and get it?” TeaMaleficent4935
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Tell your dad he is a dirty hypocrite and should make his precious platinum butt and thoughtless daughter get me a real present and not make me get her one when she has the gift her selfish self deserves! Or if you keep picking her side you can choose between getting gifts the same way your precious platinum butt and thoughtless daughter do or I can put your hypocrite butt in Shady Pines when you’re old!
Which is it going to be wicked hypocrite, Daddy? As for sister just get her awful gifts from now on! Tell her you will keep doing so until she gets you a real gift and make up for the awful gifts in the past, and tell her they have to be picked out by her and paid for by her and not wicked hypocrite daddy!” Mrhcat
14. AITJ For Criticizing My SIL's Habit Of Returning Gifts?
“My SIL has a tendency to exchange gifts that are given to her or her family if they don’t meet what she expects.
One year she asked for a makeup set I used because she liked how it looked on me, then when I splurged and got her one she said it was too complicated for her to use so she returned it and got a credit.
Another time I bought her son sweatpants and shirts that she said he needed. I went to Target and got a few pairs.
When he opened them he said thank you, but she later said he doesn’t wear stuff from Target because it tends to be cheap quality and breaks easily and she wanted the receipt to exchange them. I didn’t save the receipts because honestly they are just children’s clothes and I was sure they would fit, so I didn’t bother.
She said they’d probably take them back anyway and that I shouldn’t get clothes from there in the future because they aren’t any good.
Due to numerous instances like this, my husband and I started giving her son money instead and agreed as adults not to gift each other anymore.
I hate gifting money only as it seems thoughtless, so last year I thought I’d include a shirt from his favorite store. I got him a color I thought would look good on him (like a dark orange). He got the gifts and thanked us for them and seemed happy.
My SIL later asked for the gift receipt because he doesn’t wear that color, usually black, blue, or gray. I had enough and said I chose that color because I thought it would be nice for him and that if he didn’t want to wear it he could buy what he liked with the money.
It irked me though that she was criticizing a gift and when we were driving home in the car later with his mom in the back, his mom mentioned it too, and how her daughter can be so particular. So I agreed but added that it’s very rude to criticize gifts in front of the person gifting and that I was taught to appreciate the thought.
MIL got quiet and seemed upset with what I said so maybe I overstepped? Was I being a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“A little bit YTJ – when you say you were taught to appreciate, you implied that your MIL failed to teach your SIL manners which I imagine made her feel bad.
And that’s pretty unfair in my opinion, because SIL is an adult, your MIL didn’t do anything to you, and in fact seemed to be trying to acknowledge that her daughter wasn’t being kind to you. Instead of just appreciating that she recognized that her daughter wasn’t being gracious, you turned it on her parenting skills for some reason.
You should take it up with your SIL since she is the person who is behaving badly.” SnooPets8873
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – it seems like she’s waiting for a quieter time and not saying it as soon as the gift is opened (that’d definitely be rude).
But I hate when people don’t give gift receipts so things can be returned/exchanged. I can understand when you think you nailed it and then hear you didn’t, but it shouldn’t be taken as a personal insult or anything. Yes I think SIL might be being a bit overzealous with the nephew clothing thing, but once the gift is given you can’t control how it’s used. My parents would always tell us to let them know if we didn’t like something so they could return it, then would get salty when I did because I wasn’t appreciating it.
I then started to leave the stuff in my room instead (clothes with tags still on and such) and then would get in trouble for not giving it back in time because instead it just sat in the closet for like 2 years before I threw it into give away bag and why didn’t I tell them sooner they could have returned that if I wasn’t going to wear, etc. ALL gifts I give either have a gift receipt attached or they’re aware I can get a receipt for them if I wasn’t able to get a gift receipt for it.
Obviously I hope they like what I chose for them, but if not then I’d rather they exchange it for something actually wanted/used.” InfamousFlan5963
Another User Comments:
“YTJ (most likely). Not saying SIL is pleasant either, because personally, if a gift doesn’t work for us, I say nothing and just give it away or return as possible.
Sucks if I can’t exchange. And a reason I am in this vote is also your comments. Your MIL wanted pajamas so your husband got her a VS card?? Like I am sorry that is a weird gift for pajamas. A Macy’s gift card could have solved the same desire and been less weird.
You purposely chose a color you didn’t know your nephew would wear because YOU thought he would look good in it. So, it’s possible he didn’t love the color or didn’t think he would wear it. But… honestly, it happens a lot with my oldest where clothes are given that are not his cup of tea.
Nobody wants to include a receipt so they get stored for a sibling or gifted/donated.
Now, if he didn’t get a say in that, I may need to adjust my judgment of your sister, but in my upbringing, clothes came with gift receipts (unless they were clearance) for a reason.
Including a receipt has decreased I have noticed but still. So I don’t disagree with you on the whole complaining to the grifter but it doesn’t sound like you’re mad just about that but rather that she doesn’t keep your gifts. Honestly, I think the way I read this influences my opinion and I can admit I may have added a tone that wasn’t intended but your additional comments just reinforced my first take.
And maybe he told you he liked it to be polite, regardless of his genuine opinion of if he would wear it. And being polite regardless of opinion is what you are asking her to do, isn’t it? And if not… You claim you don’t care if she returns it.
So what is the issue? Do you want her to pretend to like a gift so you get that rush of you did a good job or do you want her honest even if it steals your rush? Like maybe think about why it bothers you.” Cyarsonix
13. AITJ For Not Inviting My Brother's Ex To Family Christmas?
“This is about my brother “Carlos,” his former partner “Gia,” and our current mutual friend “Alex.” Alex and Gia have been friends for most of their lives.
We all ran in the same circles during HS, which is how I became close friends with Alex, and Carlos and Gia started seeing each other.
We’re all in our mid/late 20s now. Carlos and Gia broke up because of arguments over marriage, work decisions, etc. It was basically just a case of a couple whose life plans weren’t aligned anymore.
This year for Xmas, Carlos requested that Gia not be invited because he’s gotten a new partner and feels it’s a bad precedent for the ex to be there. It wasn’t my business to say anything since my parents are the hosts for Xmas this year and were fine with it.
I practically forgot about it until Alex got involved.
Alex said I need to either convince Carlos to re-invite Gia or get my parents to veto Carlos’s request. She said Gia’s family isn’t great and ours was the best family Gia’s known, so it isn’t right to suddenly push her out.
Alex said things like how I was choosing Carlos over Gia and family is more than DNA.
I told Alex I wouldn’t be doing that. Gia is a nice person but the fact is she’s not my family and we only really talked because she was Carlos’ partner/Alex’s friend.
Gia may not get along with certain members but she still has her own family to have Xmas with. Plus, I’m not even the one hosting this year so it’s none of my business to say who should/shouldn’t be invited.
That was earlier this week and Alex is still upset and giving me one-word answers.
I know Alex is defending a friend but I also feel it’s not my place to say who can/can’t come to Xmas when I’m not hosting it and really am not close with Gia regardless. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not only does Gia not like her own family, but she also broke up with your brother.
Seems like if she doesn’t want to be with her one family, she should also not want to be near your brother. Alex can always take Gia to Alex’s place unless she doesn’t want Gia there either. Maybe she is trying to pawn Gia off on you guys, otherwise she might have to take her to her own parents.” LifeAsksAITA
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Welcome to life, Alex. When people break up, if there is no marriage or children to tie them to the family, it doesn’t matter if they want to keep the family without the romantic relationship. That ship sailed. Unless the family itself wants to keep you.
In this case, they don’t. Op’s family is not responsible for Gia’s holiday warm and fuzzies. It’s perfectly reasonable that the brother, who is moving forward with his life, doesn’t want his ex to celebrate with his family.” groovymama98
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s not like they are divorced and have kids, Gia may have been a part of the family for a time, but they broke up.
Gia (and Alex) need to get that. Plus if I were Carlo’s new partner I would be super uncomfortable knowing an ex would be invited to your partner’s family Christmas dinner, like are they still hoping they get back together? I mean there’s no reason your family members can’t still remain friends with her and maybe go for a coffee or something, but not to a family dinner IMO.” M312345
12. AITJ For Calling Out A Judgmental Christian At A Group Gathering?
“The guy that is the subject of my outburst, I’ll call him C, is a bit obnoxious in my opinion.
C is not a bad guy by all means, we just differ, and I am not a fan of his comments sometimes. Granted, these comments aren’t like offensive comments (not racist, homophobic, etc.), just judgmental. So usually, my response when one of these comments happens is to roll my eyes and walk away.
C knows it annoys me, but we are not close friends and don’t spend a lot of time together, so we generally just ignore each other or are civil if in a group conversation. What is also important is C often brings religion into discussion and is very open about being a practicing Christian.
I am not implying he pushes his views on people, just that it is a common topic.
I was at a friend’s house for a group get-together. The evening was calming down and we all decided to watch a game that was on for a bit.
A commercial came on the TV and it was about donating to an organization that helps homeless teens. C made the comment (paraphrasing, but I think I am pretty spot on with what he said): “What a waste of money! Maybe these kids should stop running away, just bratty teens that don’t want to follow the rules at home.” That made me snap, so I blew up at him (not yelling, but I was a little loud) “You have no idea why those kids are homeless!
Maybe their whole family is homeless, maybe being out on the street is better than home due to some sort of abuse, or maybe they were kicked out by bad parents. Who are you to judge them? Oh, and aren’t you Christian? *pause to give sarcastic facial expression* And aren’t you taught ‘love thy neighbor’?
The One who is supposed to judge is not you, but (points to ceiling) Him, right?”
To his credit, he did not get mad or walk away but engaged in some defensive comments and we had a brief back-and-forth. Neither of us got loud or too upset, but got nowhere and ended it with ‘whatever, dude’ in the end.
The rest of the evening was awkward and a bit tense with the group, most just watched the game quietly until the night was over. So later as I was putting my cup in the sink and getting ready to go, there were a few others in the kitchen.
I said I apologize if I made anyone uncomfortable with my ‘outburst’, but Christian hypocrisy is a real peeve of mine. They said it could have been worse but they would have rather I ignored the comment like I normally do.
Thoughts group, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You were very mild, I am an atheist and cannot stand “Christians” of the type you describe. I once told a work colleague who was being judgemental about a colleague that “I don’t believe in god but my values are closer to Christianity than yours are.” This judgemental woman was always preaching piety and yet condemning this unmarried mother.
She was a rarity because being “loudly” religious in the UK is seen as rather gauche.” Responsible_Blood789
Another User Comments:
“I think everyone would’ve been fine if you had just stopped at “Who are you to judge them” without bringing up the whole god and Christianity thing.
Especially since he didn’t bring it up first. The whole love thy neighbor and pointing the finger up to the sky saying it is His job makes it feel less like you were calling him out on his remarks about the kids and more about Christianity.
Also, you said you guys went back and forth a bit, but you don’t really say what it was being That being said, I think that the first response calling him out on his callous remarks to homeless teens was appropriate so good job on that.” loggedoutbymistakeF
Another User Comments:
“People misunderstand what it means to not judge another. It means don’t judge their salvation, that is not up to you. It does not mean don’t judge one thing better or worse than another, in fact Christians are called to make these judgments where appropriate.
So, you and he have different opinions on some things. If your paraphrase is accurate, I also disagree with him, but that is not hypocrisy, Christians can be as misinformed, obnoxious, or wrong as anyone else. Christian means one very narrow thing, and Christians are all at different places in living out their beliefs or their level of maturity.” terraformingearth
11. AITJ For Being Annoyed At My Coworker's Public Pregnancy Announcements And Miscarriages?
“I have this coworker who I’ve worked with for almost 4 years. In general, she is not a great coworker because she does not always pull her fair share of the weight, and tends to be dramatic with a victim mentality. She has personal issues with eating disorders and is generally unhealthy according to what she shares with our team.
She is also the type of person to make a big show out of everything she does, even the most mundane things. Like she puts on the office Christmas party and has to make tons of posts about every little detail — none of us care.
Since we have worked together, she has unfortunately suffered through multiple (5, I think) miscarriages. Obviously, that is heartbreaking, and I would never wish that on anyone. However, I can’t help but feel annoyed by her behavior when this happens.
Each time, as soon as she finds out she’s pregnant around 6 weeks, she makes a big announcement to the office and talks about her due date, all of the details, and spends a great deal of time with our manager trying to coordinate all of her 40 weeks worth of appointments.
She also has really severe morning sickness which she will announce to the whole office multiple times per day, each time she gets ill, and pretty consistently leaves a mess in the bathroom.
Each time she has miscarried, she makes a large announcement as well and takes off work for several weeks for recovery.
Of course we all feel terribly for her, but I can’t help but wonder why she makes such a big deal out of it so early each time if she knows that she has this traumatic history with pregnancy. It’s honestly becoming a distraction at work, and as much as I would normally be empathetic, I find it difficult to go through this rollercoaster of emotions with her each time it comes up.
I think I feel this way because it’s a heavy emotional load at work, where I normally try to separate personal feelings as much as possible.
Does this make me a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for feeling it, but yes if you said it to her.
I’ve lost 6 pregnancies, so I’m probably living in the city she’s heading towards. It never gets less devastating. There is never a feeling of, “Oh, this again.” There is an ever-increasing feeling of failure. Of frustration. Of fear. You mourn each like it were the first, and then get to mourn them all together, too.
Why is she telling all of you? I do not know. She’s getting something from it, probably some feeling of excitement initially and consolation after? I don’t know. But, you can and should remove yourself from those conversations. If she ever asks, give some partial truth, “I know this is harder for you than anyone else, but I’m overwhelmed by all of the talk of loss.
I need to separate myself to be able to work.” Blood clotting issues cause a lot of repeated early pregnancy loss, I hope her Drs are checking for that.” CheckIntelligent7828
Another User Comments:
“Probably shouldn’t say anything to her yourself but you’re NTJ. I’ve had two coworkers over the years who would constantly trauma dump all of their emotional baggage from their life like I was their therapist and it gets to be too much.
I got to the point where I would just very obviously tune them out and barely acknowledge that they are speaking and they would just keep going and going. I’m typically very polite and it takes a lot for me to get to where I could even do that.
Protect your mental health but don’t be hasty and say something dumb to the wrong person and get yourself fired. Company could be on fairly sketchy ground with discrimination if this isn’t handled the right way. If you don’t have a trusted manager or hr person to talk to, you might just have to try my method.
Good luck.” FloridianPhilosopher
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but if she has had so many pregnancy losses she is most probably celebrating each to validate to herself that she has a chance this time. I did ask a woman when she announced that she was pregnant at 6 weeks why so early for the announcement and she said that she had miscarried previously but as she had not told anyone didn’t feel that she could mourn and have people understand as it was so early on, but once she had announced it the baby would be celebrated and she would be able to mourn openly and have support.
Thankfully everything went smoothly and a happy healthy baby arrived. Everyone is different in how they handle things. Her announcing her pregnancies and losses could also be triggering for other workers who have gone through the same but suffered in silence.” rowdyfreebooter
10. AITJ For Making My Husband's Surprise House Guests Relocate?
“My (36F) husband (37M) has two friends in town that I have only met twice.
They were in town for ten days, and he told me they were staying somewhere else. Friday morning, just before I left for a trip, I was surprised when he told me they were staying at our house for the weekend. I wanted to be a good host, so I cleaned up and put out fresh sheets and towels.
He told me they were moving to the other place on Sunday. This morning, when I was on my way home, he told me that they were now going to stay at our house for three more days.
I work from home. He doesn’t. I have big deadlines this week, and it is not a good week to have house guests.
After this morning, I was also concerned that when Wednesday gets here, he’d tell me their stay is extended again – through the end of their trip. After I told him all of this, he had them move to the other location, blaming me for it.
I feel like this could have all been figured out if he had just talked to me, but now I look like the villain to his friends, who are people I barely know. I feel that he presented me with an impossible choice of getting my work done or sucking it up and dealing with surprise house guests all week.
It has caused a huge fight, and I don’t think it was fair. I’m also embarrassed with respect to them and do not want to see them again while they are on this trip. AITJ for saying that they needed to relocate?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It was extremely inconsiderate for him to okay them staying at your place without checking it out with you, beforehand. The time to ask is BEFORE they leave on their trip, not once they arrive at your home. And they are the ones who should feel embarrassed, not you.
Their behavior was disrespectful. Let them all sulk, together. They were wrong. You did the right thing. It’s your home, your office, and it’s not a hotel. Tell your husband that, to avoid any repeats of this in the future, you expect him to let you know FAR in advance if there are any visitors coming through town.” Aggressive_Cattle320
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have a husband problem. You acted reasonably, he did not. Do you think they actually planned to stay elsewhere or was he lying to you from the start? Did something change between their plan to come to town and his last-minute declaration that they would be staying there?
(Which was last minute to reduce objections, but not so last minute that he would have to get things ready himself. Sounds like maybe your household has an unfair, sexist division of labor?) Does your husband pull this kind of nonsense in other areas, or is there something special about these particular visitors?” NapalmAxolotl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband is the jerk. You need to have a chat with your husband and tell him as far as you are concerned, 1) guests, like pets, are a “two yes, one no” situation. Both of you must agree in advance, or no guests 2) same for extending the stay of guests.
Ask him to walk you through what happened. My guess is they said they were staying somewhere else, then “oh hey, can we stay with you 2 nights?” then “oh hey, can we stay a few more days?” then you’re right, it would be through the end of their trip, and your husband didn’t have the courage to say “sorry, we weren’t planning on overnight guests, but I’ll be happy to meet up with you at….”” Constant_Host_3212
9. AITJ For Not Giving My Partner Extra Money For Uber?
“My partner doesn’t pay for anything as I cover 100 percent of our bills and everything that she wants. But for the past couple of months, I’ve been thinking that she doesn’t understand the value of money, or that she’s entitled because I’m most likely going to say YES whenever she asks for something.
I’ve even told her that I think she doesn’t understand the value of money due to her spending habits.
So she and her friend decided to plan a dinner date for her friend’s birthday and I paid for her nails and hair to get done, I then gave her $100 for dinner at the Cactus Club, she then basically asked me for 100 more for an Uber there and back which I don’t usually mind.
But this time it got to me because of how she asked for it, it was almost like everything I did for her this week and the past week didn’t matter at all. I had to ask her if she thinks money grows on trees because of how quickly she’s willing to let it go.
I decided not to give her the extra 100 for the Uber there and back because I strongly believe that if you have true friends around you then it shouldn’t be an issue for them to pick you up and drop you back at home.
She shed a few tears and said that “I’m with someone who’s getting tired of helping me” when that’s really not the case here. Was I wrong for not giving her that extra 100?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because you chose a partner who is not able or willing to support herself (or maybe you thought that would be fun and you could pull rank on her because of money and always get your way?) Now it’s not so fun and you resent the monster you created. Walk away and try being with a fully self-supporting adult.
It’s fun!” TyrionsRedCoat
Another User Comments:
“I have been reading so many posts of men paying for everything in the house and wife/partner throwing tantrums about money. Come on, people, why are you guys behaving like a Bridgerton character? I have good news for you: women work, have careers of their own, make their own money, they can darn well be a co-provider in the household and pay for their own nails and cabs.
Stop treating your grown women like a teenager, letting them live for free and giving them allowances like their daddy. They need to grow up.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“You’re doing you both a disservice by just agreeing to everything she may want. You’re NTJ for wanting to cut back a bit, but if you’re still wanting to see if this can work, give her a budget to stay within.
Don’t just internally have a vague budget that you’re going to get irritated if she doesn’t stay within without communicating that to her. Monthly, weekly, whatever. Having an unlimited supply does tend to devalue a resource. If she has her own income, consider that when deciding how much you’re willing to subsidize.
If she doesn’t, does she have a valid reason for not, or a plan to eventually have an income of her own? If she gets nasty about needing to plan on staying within a certain amount, I would maybe reconsider this particular partner.” FullMoonTwist
8. AITJ For Asking A Parent To Not Park In Our Reserved Spots?
“The place I work shares a parking lot with a daycare. We have three reserved spots that we pay for.
Otherwise, parking is a nightmare. I came back from lunch this afternoon and two of our three reserved spots were taken.
Right after I parked a guy came out of the daycare with a grumpy-looking toddler and started getting into one of the cars parked in one of our spots.
I asked him to park somewhere else next time. He responded that his kid had a fever and needed to be picked up and that he had been inside for 30 seconds. I said this has nothing to do with your kid, we pay for these spots because we need them.
He just got in his car and left. Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you paid for it, you get it. We used to own a condo with a small parking lot that had just enough spots for the condo owners.
Those spots cost at least 10k a piece to own. One time, a friend of one of the other owners gave us trouble because “it wasn’t cool” that we couldn’t just let him use it for a few hours. We messaged the owners who were hosting that guest and the owners told him to get out of the spot ASAP.
It was a 5 unit building and they didn’t want to mess with the peace that we had all enjoyed since living there.” magicmom17
Another User Comments:
“Playing devil’s advocate: I wouldn’t say YTJ and I certainly understand your frustration if this happens a lot. I’m just putting myself in his shoes… he probably had to leave work, deal with figuring out what they’re going to do with a sick kid, got there and couldn’t find a place to park, knew he would only be a minute and probably was a little moody.
Imagine how much better you and he would have felt if your response had been something along the lines of ‘Oh, I definitely understand. However, we do pay for these spots and they are reserved for us. Thank you for your understanding. I do hope your child is feeling better soon!’ There was a spot open and available to you and he was leaving and opening up another spot.
A little compassion doesn’t hurt.” Keeper_of_the_Secret
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I have two kids in two different elementary schools and neither gets bussing, so I spend a stupid amount of my life walking my kids to and from school. People become absolutely deranged when it comes to parking anywhere within like a one-block radius of a school.
It’s always the most dangerous part of the walk because parents just don’t care. They block private business parking lots, private drives, crosswalks, accessible ramps, and buses in both directions of traffic. No amount of signage seems to discourage it. Both schools have large public city-owned parking lots within a 5-minute walk that people ignore in favor of gridlocking the neighborhood streets.
It’s truly baffling. All of that is to say that they will never stop using your spots if you don’t call them on it when they do.” personofpaper
7. AITJ For Snapping At My Mom After Her Friend Ruined My Hair?
“I’m Z, 17 M. I have been struggling with self-image for quite some years now and the only thing that helps me boost my confidence is my hair, I am aware that I am not handsome nor pretty by any means and I made peace with that fact.
I have black curly medium-length hair that is down to my chest, I take really good care of it and it’s just my way of expressing myself and who I am. I take great pride in how my hair looks.
However, whenever I have gone to a hairdresser she always went against my wishes and made my hair look ridiculous (the reason why I kept going to her is because she has been my mom’s friend for over 30 years and she has been doing my hair for more than 10 years).
These past few years I decided to put an end to it and kept cutting my hair at home, it’s been almost 2 years since I went to any hairstylist.
Today, I wanted to try a new hairstyle that is more fitting for straight hair, so I decided to ask my mom if we could go to her friend’s salon to see if she could straighten it for me and cut my dead ends.
She agreed and when we arrived everything was fine, the casual chitchat about school and work. Now, a little disclaimer, I am a very nonconfrontational person and very sensitive. when I showed her the style I wanted she said she could do that, so I trusted her even though I had a gut feeling this was gonna end up bad.
When she cut and styled my hair I couldn’t help but cry because she had ruined my well-maintained hair with random chops and now it looked absolutely disgusting. She and my mom tried to argue saying “It looks fine. You’re overreacting as always!” but I wasn’t in the mood to hear any of that, I just grabbed my coat and left. I sat in the car and waited, when my mom came out she was very angry with me and scolded me for “embarrassing her in front of her friend after everything she’s done for me.” I snapped and said “Your friend has done nothing else other than ruin my confidence all these years, she can’t do her darn job, every time she touches my hair I have to go home and cut it myself to be able to step out in public!” and this upset her and she hasn’t been talking to me since.
I don’t think I’m in the wrong, but I don’t know anymore. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Gonna have to go YTJ on this one, friend. You literally requested this woman. With the express knowledge that she doesn’t do your hair how you like. You don’t get to do that then be upset that she doesn’t do your hair the way you like, And you darn sure don’t get to snap at your mom about it.
I TOTALLY get loving your hair and I love that you do! And you have a right to care about your appearance. But you need to learn some more effective communication skills because your “Non-Confrontational” nature isn’t actually avoiding confrontations, it’s just making you bottle your emotions in the moment and then having them explode out on the wrong person.
Apologize to your mom, and explain, using effective communication skills, that you would really like to find your own hairdresser and if need be, will pay for it yourself. I would then recommend trying out a men’s hairdresser. They will probably understand what you want and how to treat your hair.” kharmatika
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s the jerk here. In no particular order: YOU knew that this woman wasn’t the stylist for you before you went in. You literally stopped going to her because she can’t do her job. Stop going to her. At this point, going to her means it will turn out bad….and you know this.
So this one’s on you for not learning your lesson and going back to what wasn’t meant for you and exploding on your Mom and the hairdresser. MOM and HAIRDRESSER (HD) “overreacting as always” when the HD never got it right is a reaction that you deserve some grace for.
What you asked for is not what you got. As a HD they should know not to speak like that to clients, no matter the relationship you may share. Her customer was not happy with the service provided and they should have offered some solutions….or just said no to doing a style they weren’t equipped to handle.
Overall, I believe that you need to go speak with your mother and apologize. “Mom I apologize for embarrassing you in front of your friend and snapping on you in the car. I stopped going to HD two years ago because they never styled my hair the way I wanted it to look despite showing pictures.
And I should have known the case would be the same today. I realize the part that I played in this. Despite my reaction, I do love you and I am sincerely sorry for my actions. Moving forward, I’ll look for a new stylist so this doesn’t happen again.”” EJ_1004
Another User Comments:
“The ability to cut curly hair is a special skill. My husband had Harpo Marx-type curls and his hair is an expression of his personality. When he would get a cut, it was always kind of hit or miss, but it did grow back.
Finally, I met a hairdresser who explained she did something like cut into the curls. I’m not able to explain it as I cannot do it myself, but his hair came out with the same sausage curls evenly around his head he went in with, only shorter.
He stayed with her until she moved on. After that, when looking for a stylist, I would always start by asking if their shop had anyone who specialized in curly hair. If “everyone” there did, we would move on, as they didn’t realize it is different than cutting straight or wavy hair.
That said, I don’t understand why you went back to a woman that you already knew was unable to cut your type of hair correctly.” Timely_Throat8732
6. AITJ For Taking My Car Back From My Ex?
“My partner of 2 years and I broke up recently.
She moved into my house about a year ago and has been driving my car to get to school since May and I have been riding my bike since my work’s closer (she paid 0 for either of these things). She broke up with me late one night.
We had been having some disagreements and said she wanted to move back into her parents’.
I said no problem but after tomorrow since you’re not my partner I want my car back and offered to give her rides to school until she figured out a new situation.
She said I was just doing that as a way to control her and we have talked a bit post-breakup and every time she brings up how taking the car away was revoking kindness.”
Another User Comments:
“You loaned it out of kindness to a loved one.
She doesn’t want to be in the relationship anymore, so she doesn’t have any claim on your love or kindness any longer. You’ve gone above and beyond in offering lifts for her till other arrangements can be made. I’d say she’s benefited very well from the arrangement up to this point.
Time to take your life, and car, back.” whocaresgetstuffed
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She was the one breaking up with you and she still thinks she’s entitled to your car? Tell her to ask her parents to bring her to school, you are not in a relationship anymore so you have no obligation towards her.
You told her you could drive her to school until she finds another way and she took it badly so nah, she doesn’t deserve any kind of help. Leave her thinking of a solution by herself, she’s not a child.” _Openyourheart_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you are not controlling her or taking back a kindness.
She is manipulating you. You allowing her to use your car is a partner perk. Just like you paying for dinner, her wearing your hoodie, or the two of you living together. Since she is no longer your partner, she no longer gets partner perks.
Tell her you are taking your car back today, so she needs to make it available to you today. Do it in a text so you have proof you told her. If she doesn’t make it available to you today, report it stolen tomorrow. Do not let her manipulate her with baseless accusations anymore.
Don’t offer to drive her anywhere. Make a clean break. Her choices, her consequences. The audacity of her to think she can dump you and still use your car is outrageous.” SpinIggy
5. AITJ For Uninviting My Brother From Christmas Because He Didn't Bring Gifts For His Partner's Kids?
“Christmas with my family is huge. Between me and my step-siblings we have 6-8 kids… all between the ages of 3 and 11.
My stepmother always buys them enormous, huge, obnoxious gifts. If she were to give them each a live pony – nobody would be surprised. For example …one year, all of the kids got an X-Box with Games, next year, they all got one of those motorized little cars to drive, etc. It’s over the top.
But she likes to spoil the kids at Christmas, so… no big deal.
My brother is “on the outs” with my dad and he wasn’t going to come to the family Christmas Eve party this year. At the very last minute — the afternoon of Christmas Eve when we’re about to have our big family party — he tells us that he’s coming with his partner and her 3 kids.
Her kids are 4, 6, and 9.
So I texted my brother and I said ‘You need to bring their presents that you’re planning on giving them tomorrow (Xmas Day) with you, so they have something to open.’ He said… ‘No, we are already on the road, and the kids are going to open their gifts from us on Christmas morning.’ I was like… ‘Dude!
You can’t bring her 3 kids to watch our 8 kids open up tons of ELABORATE expensive gifts while they get nothing!’ (Remember…if my step-mom and my step-sister and I knew these 3 kids were coming, there would have been plenty of gifts for these 3 kids, but my brother didn’t plan on coming.)
My brother then said to me… ‘Don’t worry about it, we already explained to them that their Christmas is going to be tomorrow and not to worry about what presents the other kids are going to be opening up tonight.’
Remember… her kids are 4, 6, and 9.
In my brother’s head, these 3 kids are just supposed to sit there and watch our 8 kids opening up an obnoxious amount of GRAND presents… While we adults might be able to scrape up a doll or toy car or two for each of them at the last minute.
So, needless to say, my stepmom is so angry at my brother for doing this that she told him not to even come. I agreed with her.
He’s on the road driving from Wisconsin (it’s a 3-hour drive) …so, he turned around and went back home.
He hasn’t spoken to any of us since (this happened Christmas 2023).
Am I (we) the jerks for un-inviting my brother and his partner and her 3 kids to our family Christmas celebration?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have such respect for you for pointing out how wrong this was!
We have actually had to make the call to stop doing Christmas with my spouse’s family because they get their biological grandkids elaborate gifts and expect the step-grandkids (ours) to open dollar store-type stuff and it’s supposed to be okay… To be clear, they are my spouse’s step-grandparents.
Although they’ve been part of the family since my spouse was a child. I absolutely will not stand for a difference in kids to be made, especially right in front of them. We told the family that all would have been fine if they’d done it privately after we left. But I’m not going to have my kids wonder why their cousins consistently get extravagant gifts and they get dollar store toys that aren’t even age-appropriate, all opened at the same time.” Strange_Jackfruit_89
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He is a jerk. But I think you should have treated this as his kids his problems. I don’t think a different choice makes you a jerk, but being turned back was not all that great for those kids either. Either way, when people are selfish enough, it might be simply impossible to keep a relationship with them.
Brother sounds egoistic and self-centered. Kind of explains why he can’t communicate with the dad either.” unsafeideas
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I could only repeat what others already said. You have made the right call. My husband and I grew up in a mosaic family; even with the biggest consideration, there were bitter moments around presents.
Small children don’t understand why they do not have anything to open. Even if you stop at the petrol station and pick up plushies is better than nothing but parents need to come prepared. I have seen many times that men are very oblivious about presents and gift giving.
My father allowed his third wife to weaponize Christmas and gifts – we do not talk anymore. …and yes, these bad memories stay with you forever. All the bad birthdays and Christmases taught me not to carry on with this nonsense.” Scientist_283
4. AITJ For Walking Out On My Roommate's Surprise Birthday Celebration For Me?
“I (22f) have never celebrated my birthday. I have a few friends and they all know this, so the most they would do on my birthday is send me a sweet text and that’s where it ends. They respect my wishes to treat it like any other day.
Recently I’ve made a new friend, I’ll call her Sam (23f). We’re roommates, and that’s how we become friends. Sam has a pretty different view from mine when it comes to birthday celebrations, and I don’t mind partaking in them, as long as they aren’t for me.
We had a discussion a week before my birthday about what I wanted to do and I dismissively told her nothing. She didn’t take the hint though and started pressing on why I didn’t want to celebrate myself. Now I’ve had pretty dark thoughts from when I was young… and I have been dealing with depression and anxiety.
She knows this.
I gently told her that I wasn’t happy to be here, so I wasn’t going to celebrate the day I was born. This is by no means the whole reason. She took that as a sign to continue pressing on about my birthday and why I didn’t want to celebrate it.
I then firmly told her to stop pushing it and left the room. I thought that was the end of it until yesterday, my birthday. She woke me up singing to the top of her lungs wearing a party hat, holding a cupcake in her hand.
At that point, I was pretty irritated but I did manage to force a smile of appreciation. When she was done I told her I appreciated the gesture but asked her to just drop it. She promised she would, but when I walked into the living room an hour later, it was all decorated, complete with cake and candles.
I just stormed out and went to my other friend’s house. Now my friend and her friends are texting and harassing me calling me ungrateful, mean, and other names I won’t even mention here.
The friend that I’m staying with says Sam was wrong for not respecting my boundaries but I was dramatic for just walking out so now I’m just asking myself if I’m the jerk for that.
So, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Something I’ve learned is that most people won’t understand another person’s trauma unless they’ve been through it themselves. Sam has never experienced what you have, or what I have, or the reason I have a ; tattoo. I’m sorry, she’s being pushy and rude and forcing her nonsense on you when she shouldn’t.
And no, you were not wrong to walk out, she was wrong to stomp all over your boundaries and not listen to you. You handled it better than I would have, I’m afraid I would’ve slapped the cupcake out of her hand, bare minimum. Nobody wakes me up early and loudly and lives to talk about it.
Was she “trying to be nice”? Maybe. Or maybe she didn’t take the time to actually stop and think about the issue and she caved in to the pressure our society provides for stupid things like this so they can sell more junk. Take a few deep breaths and do whatever it is that you do to make yourself feel a little better.
Go have a coffee or whatever. I’m sorry. But big time NTJ.” Remote-Physics6980
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That was a massive boundary stomp. The best that can be said for her is that she might have thought she was doing a good thing, but the truth is the celebration she organized was for her because she likes birthday parties, not for you.
She ignored your clearly expressed wishes, not once but multiple times. I have no idea how the logistics of moving out might work for you, but if it can be done simply, maybe you should consider it. Tell the friends who are calling you ungrateful that Sam’s actions in steamrolling your boundaries were nearly inexcusable, and that if they value having any friendship with you in the future they need to drop the subject NOW.
You’re not ‘ungrateful’ and you’re not ‘dramatic’. You were in distress. Tell them that what Sam did wasn’t thoughtful and it wasn’t cute; at another time in your life, it could easily have been dangerous to your health. Sam messed up about as seriously as she could have, and you are still considering whether you want any further contact with her.” _s1m0n_s3z
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Sam didn’t mean to hurt you, she probably thought if she foisted love onto you then you would enjoy the experience. She seems to be the mother hen type. You did the right thing in walking out of that situation – there is no other way for someone like Sam to realize the importance of listening to the requests of others and of maintaining appropriate boundaries.
I think you should write down something like what you’ve written here and give it to Sam. It will help her understand better than a face-to-face conversation would, I think.” PhilosophicalWarPig
3. AITJ For Demanding My Antique Lamp Back From My Friend?
“I (45F) have a dear friend “Lauren” (43F). We grew up together, and she was a bridesmaid at my wedding 20 years ago.
Several years ago my husband and I had a great opportunity to work and live abroad for a few years. It required that we sell our house and most of our belongings, and put the rest in storage.
One item I did not want to let go of was a beautiful antique crystal lamp that belonged to my late grandmother. It holds many important memories for me. Unfortunately, our storage unit was so full that I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to squeeze it in without giving up something else we wanted to keep.
I mentioned this dilemma to Lauren, and she jumped in with an offer to hold onto the lamp “for me”. She said it would look gorgeous in her living room and she would be proud to display it there until we got back. I was thrilled!
Well, our time abroad recently came to an end and we are now back in the US. We bought a new house, collected our belongings from storage, and are in the process of furnishing it. I asked Lauren for my lamp back, and she got all upset and said that she understood it was a GIFT!
I reminded her that it was a family heirloom that she promised to keep “for me” until I got back, but she insists that’s not how she remembers it. She said she adores this lamp, it’s the “focal point” of her living room decor, and that if I demanded it back our friendship would be over.
I’m heartbroken. She is one of my oldest friends, and while she can be quirky, she’s never done anything like this before. I don’t want to lose her friendship, but I also don’t want to lose a treasured family heirloom! It’s also worth quite a bit of money – it appraised at over $2000.
To be clear, I am 100% confident that I did NOT tell her it was hers to keep. Given our life-long friendship, I thought it was safe to leave it with her. I can’t even fathom why she thinks I gave it to her. We are not rich, I would never give a gift that expensive to anyone!
To make matters worse, I told my sister about all of this, and she hit the roof. That lamp holds memories for her too, and she was livid that it might be lost to our family. I’ve always intended to pass it down to my own daughter.
So last week I told Lauren I wanted the lamp. She burst into tears and accused me of putting “material things over friendship” but said she’d give it back, although she keeps coming up with excuses why she’s been too busy to either bring it over or let me come by to get it.
Now I’m wondering if she’s right. Is a life-long friendship more important than a lamp? AITJ for demanding it back, hurting Lauren’s feelings and making her think I don’t care about our friendship?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The only person putting material things above your friendship is Lauren.
She’s the one who issued the ultimatum. She’s the one who would rather have her aesthetic house with the lamp than you as a friend. She’s the one who convinced herself you’d let her keep a beloved antique, despite the fact that she literally only has possession of it because you wanted to keep it.
Her own logic/story is full of holes and she knows it. That’s why she’s going nuclear. When was the last time you were at her house? Have you seen the lamp recently? Are you sure it hasn’t been broken or sold? Or is she just really so deluded that she built her room around an item she doesn’t own, and has been showing off “her” antique for years?” Natural_Garbage7674
Another User Comments:
“OP, something that has not been touched on that will be a likely default on Lauren’s behalf, is that she will do everything to play the victim in your social circles and paint you as a pariah since she’s already threatening you with throwing away a 20-year friendship over a lamp.
In today’s social media-obsessed world, she’ll come out as the one who has been who’s been wronged. Only you know whether or not she would resort to this tactic, but if she’s being this dramatic to end your friendship over “the lamp,” then be aware of what other petulant antics an erratic person would do who doesn’t get their way.” NumbersGuy22
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Lauren didn’t misremember. She knows very well that this was a temporary thing, but she hoped it was otherwise, and over time convinced herself that she was going to get to keep it. She’s the one who put your friendship on the line over the possession of the lamp – that concept came from her.
If she valued your friendship more than the lamp, she would’ve just been sad about the ‘misunderstanding’ but returned the lamp out of consideration for your deep feelings about it. But No, she went right to the false narrative, the denials and the threats – and now she’s starting the dodging and the avoidance.
If you don’t get that lamp soon, she’s going to ghost you altogether. She’ll convince herself that you’re the bad guy, choosing the lamp over her, and go no-contact – and get to keep the lamp.” TrainingDearest
2. AITJ For Not Wanting To Take Our Baby To Daycare On My Days Off?
“I work a 2 day on/2 day off, three-day weekend on/three day weekend off schedule at nights.
On days I’m off, I tend to our newborn (almost 5 months old) at night so my wife can rest.
However, my wife can never seem to get up on time and asks me to take our baby to daycare for her. Mind you the daycare is 20 minutes away in the direction she’s already traveling.
She has a work vehicle that she’s allowed to use to transport our baby, but she insists I take him because she’s always running late. AITJ for not wanting to spend our gas and mileage on our lone vehicle when she’s already heading that way?
I’d understand it if she was late rarely, but it’s almost always. And then I get accused of doing the bare minimum.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for a couple of reasons. Working nights means that your wife is spending long stretches of unsociable hours with the baby.
That means if the baby has a bad night she’s in that alone. Can’t call a friend or a family member at 3 am to vent. Her partner isn’t there so she can tap out either. You only get the baby ready on the days you’re not working meaning she’s also getting the baby ready on the days that she’s just spent the entire night alone.
Yes it’s very tiring to come off a night working but most people don’t immediately go to bed after their shift. Unless you’re coming in the door and immediately crashing out, you’ve got time to help. You’re both working – why does she have to do all the childcare on days she’s working without support if you’re also working?
There should be a daycare schedule where 3 days a week she does the school run and 2 you do. Lighten the burden a little on your wife. I know logistically it doesn’t make sense since she’s going that way too but sometimes marriage and parenthood is about supporting your partner even when a different decision is more “logical.”” BartokTheBat
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ, if you’re talking about mornings where you’re not working and did not work the night before, because there’s a lot more than “transport” that goes with getting the baby to daycare. It’s more than just gas and mileage.
It’s preparing the baby, remembering the stop, remembering taking the baby out. If you’re home anyway, why can’t you take the baby? Also, your phrasing also makes you a bit of a jerk – “take the baby FOR her.” “Tend to put newborn … at night so my wife can rest.” It’s your baby too, right?
You tend to your newborn because that’s your responsibility, not to do your wife a favor. You need to reframe your thinking. Work or not, the baby is both of your responsibility. Is your wife only tending to the baby on her days off?
Only on evenings when she did not work that same day and/or doesn’t have to work in the next few hours? If not, you’re being a jerk. You didn’t say you don’t wanna take the baby because you’re exhausted, need to sleep, etc. It reads as if you don’t want to take the baby because you THINK it’s a responsibility that should fall on your wife.
And that’s wrong. Families have different needs. She might need more grace in the AM just like you get grace when you’ve worked a night shift (it sounds like).” Mother-Huckleberry99
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for not taking baby on your off days. I am still bitter at my ex-husband for pulling this type of thing 12+ years ago.
My ex worked very part-time and from home, I worked FT out of home and was the breadwinner. When my oldest was a baby I was expected to drive my son 20 minutes past my office to his parents’ house 3x a week, because I was already heading out so he did not see the need for him to take him.
Despite his parents watching our son for the purpose of my ex having the day free. Forget that. Still bitter. With my 2nd at least the childcare was on the way but I was still expected to get the baby up, pack the bag, and get him to daycare.
Then this guy had the gall to claim SAHD status in divorce to try to get more custody and child support from me. My response to the mediator was “we sure did pay a lot for surrogate care for him to be a SAHD.” Needless to say, we are 50/50.
So yes, on your days off YTJ.” grandoldtimes
1. AITJ For Not Letting My Sister-In-Law Bring Her Dog To My Cat-Filled Home?
“I have three male cats, and they’re all very skittish. They’re indoor cats and don’t cope well with stress, especially when it comes to dogs. If they hear barking or sense a dog in the house, they hide for hours and sometimes won’t come out for the rest of the day.
My sister-in-law recently asked if she could bring her dog to a family gathering at my house. I explained that my cats get extremely anxious around dogs and said it wouldn’t be a good idea. She got upset, saying her dog is “part of the family” and very well-behaved, so it wouldn’t bother my cats.
I suggested she leave the dog at home or find a pet sitter for the evening, but she accused me of being unreasonable and prioritizing my pets over her. Some family members think I should just “lock my cats in a room” for the day to accommodate her, but I feel like that’s unfair to them since this is their home.
I feel bad for upsetting her, and think the rest of my family is annoyed with me but I don’t think I’m wrong for wanting to keep my cats safe and comfortable in their own space.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and it’s absolutely reasonable to prioritize your pets over her.
They live in your home. On the reverse side, is she not prioritizing her own pet over your needs and comfort? Her argument can go both ways. I urge you to stop having the discussion with anyone from this point forward. The fact that she’s drawn other people into the debate is another dealbreaker.
“I’ve made my decision and it’s not up for discussion” is all you need to say. You can also tell outsiders that they are not part of this issue and you don’t want to hear their opinion on the subject because it’s none of their business.
No one is entitled to hear your reasons. Saying no is enough. “That doesn’t work for me” is another complete sentence.” CPSue
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your cats’ home. Your sister-in-law is being unreasonable and is putting herself over you and your cats.
It’s unfair to lock the cats in a room for them to be scared for ages as they know a dog is in the house, which they will still smell for a very long time after the dog has left. Lots of dog owners say “my dog is so well-behaved”.
Forgetting to account that the dog is well-behaved for their owners in their own home. It’s not always the same in a different environment with other people and animals. Even if the dog is well behaved, the cats are still scared.” malemember87
Another User Comments:
“So your sister thinks her one dog is a part of the family, but your cats aren’t part of the family even when they’re in their own home? And your sister doesn’t get to speak on behalf of your cats by saying they won’t mind.
That’s just utter nonsense. Your house. Your cats. Your rules. Your decision. If she insists that the dog come along, why can’t the dog be the one locked in a room?” RocMills
