People Want To Present Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories To Us
18. AITJ For Coming Home Early From My Partner's Parent's Thanksgiving?
“My partner and I went to see his parents for the first time this weekend. It’s Canadian Thanksgiving. We were supposed to stay Sat, and Sun and fly back afternoon Monday. I’m writing this Sun night already back in my own bed.
My partner’s parents greeted us at the airport and brought us home.
They then proceeded to ask me if I had substances in my bag and I was pretty shocked because who asks that? I said only Tylenol and they nodded and showed us to our rooms which meant I got the guest room and my partner was to sleep in his old room.
His parents were serving dinner and during dinner, I was asked to pay for my portion of the thanksgiving dinner ($30). I was pretty shocked and angry because who does that? I’ve never been asked to pay for someone’s ingredient fees when a guest is at their place.
I didn’t answer and then confronted my partner in his room and asked why I was asked to pay. He just says it’s something they ask of their friends as well, when they have a bbq they ask people to pay for their portion.
Honestly, I’m shocked they have friends. I reminded him he has eaten at my parents’ place dozens of times and was never asked to pay. He claimed if they asked he would have but they never did. Because it’s rude to do that to a guest!
But his mom came and got me and escorted me to my room. I was fuming and looking for tickets home and texted my partner to say I was going home tomorrow. He called me and begged me to stay saying his family already doesn’t like me for not agreeing to pay for dinner and I’m just making it worse.
I ignored him and rebooked an early flight (which was very expensive) and got a cab to the airport in the morning. I told my friends this who had confirmed they’d never been asked to pay for a meal while they were a guest. And if they were struggling why even invite me over?
Is this normal practice? Their house was pretty big I don’t think it was a financial thing for them.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, partly his parents, but honestly mostly your partner. Absolutely there are people who will split food costs between guests. This is NEVER sprung on people DURING the meal. It is discussed beforehand and your partner should have warned you and also PAID since he invited you.
He knew and didn’t bother to communicate that this is what his parents do. The room situation should have been discussed beforehand and you two should have discussed and decided if you were okay with separate rooms or if you wanted to stay at a hotel.
When his parents asked you about substances, he should have been the one to handle it by telling his parents that was rude to ask, and again, if there were things they are uncomfortable having in their home. HE should have been the one communicating that to you beforehand and telling his parents he would take care of it.
Also, the fact he was only worried about how his parents felt about you and not that his parents have made you feel so unwelcome that you left early speaks volumes.” Impressive-Werewolf8
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
First, I don’t know what the comment about substances was about…is it xenophobia (if you are an immigrant or visiting Canada from another country?
Is it something about your history or partner’s previous relationships? A race thing? Why would you have illegal stuff?) That is an odd and rude thing to ask your guests.
Second, nobody invites someone to Thanksgiving dinner and asks them for their portion of the food cost unless the other person is also hosting the meal. I’ve never encountered a culture where guests pay, in fact, most places have cultural rules about hospitality that would make it VERY offensive to ask your guests for payment.
Your partner’s parents are just rude cheapskates.
Finally, the whole escorting you back to your room thing… how old are you? That was disrespectful, rude, condescending, the list goes on.
They sound rude. A good partner would be mortified at his parents’ behavior and ask them to behave like normal decent people.
Time to end the relationship unless you are interested in a lifetime of this treatment.” Historical_Divide673
17. AITJ For Telling My Friend Not To Move My Chair Out Of Her Room?
“I (27F) bought my first house two years ago. It’s a relatively small house (1,200 sq ft.) but I’m really proud of it because I bought it all on my own. So around a month ago, my friend since childhood moved into my guest room.
She (26F) just got out of a bad relationship and she is new to my city. I told her she could stay with me (free of charge) temporarily while she settles and finds an apartment.
So today, she brought a standing mirror into the guest room.
No concerns on my end, until I noticed she moved the chair that was in the guest room into my office. She asked me about moving the chair into the office before doing so, and I explicitly told her no. My office is tiny as is (and even more so now that I’ve moved things around to accommodate her).
I work from home so having a functioning office is critical; with the chair, there is hardly room to walk around freely.
I just talked to her and said that the chair cannot stay in the office. She suggested moving it into the living room, but again, no space and it clashes with the existing decor.
She then suggested the basement. I live in a 100+-year-old house and have a dehumidifier down there, but it is very common for my basement to have some water in it after heavy rain. The chair has wood legs and costs $300, so I don’t want to risk standing water ruining the legs.
I tried to compromise and told her that if she wraps it up appropriately and can ensure it won’t get water damage, I guess she can move it down there temporarily. But she got very upset and said that I was being unfair and trying to micromanage how she uses her room.
I corrected her and said it’s my room. I said I was trying to be as accommodating as possible, but it’s ultimately my house and she cannot move things into my space without asking. She also said she’s already cramped enough as is, and I told her I lived out of the guest room for the first few months I owned this place before I could afford to furnish my primary bedroom just fine.
I feel like I’m already doing so much for her, and I’m not being ridiculous by asking her to please not move my stuff.
She started crying and now is refusing to talk to me, despite my begging her to please talk about this with me.
I’m trying to be a good friend, but I feel like this is my space and she isn’t respecting me. She also just lost a relative around a week ago, so I feel guilty now about upsetting her. AITJ?
EDIT: I told her she should move to my city after her breakup and she could stay with me until she found an apartment.
She IS paying half of the utilities (electric, water, and Wi-Fi) while she is here, which is usually no more than $300 total per month. But she is paying nothing in rent.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Sometimes when people are feeling powerless they get more uptight about the few things they can control.
In your friend’s case, I imagine the breakup and subsequent disruption probably made everything very chaotic. So I do understand her wanting to have the room the way she wants it while she’s staying there.
On the other hand, I get wanting to have your house a specific way.
You took time to lay out all the furniture in your home, and now your friend is rearranging things. You have already done so much for your friend, and this act seems to show a lack of gratitude and disrespect toward your possessions.
It’s natural for there to be some conflicts when moving in together, even if it’s only short-term.
I suggest you pause the logistics discussion to talk about how each of you is feeling, that may make it easier to actually decide where the chair should live without making it such a monumental decision.” RemarkableAlgae5200
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – It’s your house, you can do with it as you see fit, and any guests need to follow your rules.
It’s not a democracy and you don’t need to be what anyone else considers reasonable.
I strongly recommend you set some additional boundaries with her, specifically – how long she intends to be living with you rent-free. I also strongly recommend you learn what the landlord/tenant laws and regulations are in your city as they may well apply to your situation even though you’re not charging her any rent.
I’m not saying to throw the friendship away. But you’re NTJ here, and one of my favorite (yes very cynical but often true) sayings is – ‘No good deed goes unpunished.’ Protect yourself.” SyraxTheEnturbulator
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Right so no good deed goes unpunished, does it?
Do not allow her to give you the silent treatment in your own home, she pays no rent, and she isn’t supposed to be comfortable in that room but actively looking for other accommodations. It’s time to have a serious talk with your friend and tell her this arrangement is starting to no longer work for you, she needs to lock down other accommodations within 30 days or move back home, but you will no longer be hosting her stay after that.
If she doesn’t wish to engage in the talk with you, tell her outright she needs to move out within the week. You are no longer happy to host her in your house due to conflicts.” gemma156
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s being given a house room already.
Now she’s trying to encroach. True she’s grieving, but it would be quite an unusual response to grief to start demanding the redecoration of someone else’s home.
She needs to understand she is there as a guest. What is in the guest room is what she has to work with.
She is not free to rearrange your home or your possessions. Her refusing to talk to you and crying instead smacks of manipulation. She’s encroaching, she knows it, and she’s trying to wear you down.” MmeHomebody
16. AITJ For Telling My Mom The Effects Of Her Bad Parenting?
“So I (23 F) had another fight with my mother (62). It started with how I always defend my sister (30) when my mother talks badly about her. To be completely honest I do.
I hate how she bad mouths my sister and says things like ‘she is ruining my life’ and ‘your sister is a little jerk’. I always say things like well she is thirty and is starting her life away from you.
Well, that’s how last night’s fight started and it accelerated. It got to the point where the past was brought up and how she was a bad mother.
Fortunately, she accepts that for about 10 years of our life she was a horrible mother. But what she said to defend herself was she had two heavy-drinking parents who fought like cats and dogs, her mother died when my mother was 16, and she dealt with all of that on her own.
And if she could do that and move on then my sister is a little witch for not being able to move on.
I stopped her and asked if she thinks that she is truly ok from her past. She told me she moved on when my grandfather died. I told her that’s probably when my sister will too.
She told me what we experienced was normal and we are overreacting.
My response was that I remember when I was 10 and I was feeding my grandfather when she looked into the living room and laughed saying ‘it’s the blind leading the blind’ and walked away.
Or at that same age, I had to feed my grandfather and take him to the bathroom and wipe him. Eventually, start changing his diaper.
She quickly yelled back ‘wow you had to do something!’
I said that’s not my point. My point being was I was 10 and that’s not normal.
She said every 10-year-old goes through that. And it was in fact normal.
After that, I quickly gave up on the argument and agreed with her saying that I will keep defending my sister. She said it was not right for me to bring up the past and use it against her, so I apologized and said it was wrong of me.
But AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. It is not normal for a 10-year-old to be responsible for their grandfather’s care. Under no circumstances is that acceptable. Your mother was abusive and she’s not even remorseful about it. Instead of taking accountability, she is turning it on you.
I am so sorry you had to go through all that. Continue defending yourself and your sister from your mom. She needs to know that her behavior was and still is abhorrent. As soon as you can, please move out and start a life of your own away from her.” LawyerGirl21
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s really amazing the narratives that bad parents will concoct just so they can live with themselves and what they’ve done to their kids. What you went thru is not normal; you know it, she knows it, and everybody knows it.
Your mom is just completely invested in a fantasy that enables her to escape the guilt that would probably be crushing to her otherwise. So don’t expect her to ever give it up. You just have to go on and live your life and try to help your sister get away from her toxic self if possible.” KaiIsGone
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. However, you can’t change the past. I get that you’re angry. That’s a totally valid reaction. But your mother doesn’t seem to care, and nothing you do or say will change her mind. Find a therapist and work on letting it go for your own sake.
Your mother isn’t losing any sleep over what a bad parent she was, but it seems to be very much still bothering you. Letting go of the anger means your mother no longer has the power to hurt you.” HelenaBirkinBag
Because whatever it was they did, if you confront them with it, it didn't happen. Or, if it did happen, it wasn't that bad. Or if it was that bad, you're not the first to go through it and you won't be the last, so shut up about it. And they're never wrong. And since they don't ever remember that happening to you anyway, you're probably lying about it and then they gaslight you some more. So it's pointless and frustrating to engage them and not worth the effort, because you'll never get closure from them. You have to find it within yourself, and that takes years, with intermittent bouts of therapy.
The best thing you can do now, frustrating as it is, is either agree with your momster, or ignore her. The latter will chap her @*$ something fierce, because narcissists live to stir the pot, and will do just about anything to get a reaction from you. So deny her that pleasure by looking her right in the eye, smile sweetly, and say, "I'm sure you're right; I must be thinking if something else." And go on about your business. It's tough the first time or two, but when they get that disappointed look that says they were looking forward to yet another argument, you can smile to yourself and know you won. Do that often enough, and the narcissist will most likely go looking for an easier target and leave you alone. Either way, it takes the wind out of their sails very nicely and that's fun to watch.
And until you can get enough money put by that you can move out of the house, start gathering all your personal documents; birth certificate, social security card, passport, title to your car if you own one, and lock them up where momster can't get to them. Open a bank account and keep it secret from her; don't even tell her what bank. And start putting money into it now, for your escape fund. Even if it's only $10 a week, it will add up.
Good luck, take care of yourself and ignore momster as much as you can until you can get out from under her.
15. AITJ For Keeping My Relationship A Secret From My Parents?
“I (19F) am currently studying in Germany for my degree. I’m originally from America although I spent four years of my childhood in Germany. I really loved Germany when I lived there and I speak the language semi-fluently.
I’m studying for a degree in engineering, so I applied for school abroad, I told them that I was applying because Germany has a reputation for being good at engineering.
A young girl living alone in my culture is unheard of and my parents really struggled with the idea of letting me go. I have a very bad relationship with them so it wasn’t because they’d miss me, but rather they didn’t want people to talk about them.
Eventually, they let me go because I got into a good university.
However, I lied about the reason why I wanted to move to Germany. The real reason was that during my junior year of high school, I met a German exchange student at my job.
He was studying at a different high school, but we became very close and started going out, without my parents’ knowledge. We applied to the same universities and luckily got into the same one.
I posted an anniversary post with my SO on social media recently and turns out my mother follows me on a burner account with the name of one of my cousins.
My parents demanded an explanation and they are furious that I lied to them. They surprisingly don’t care that I’m seeing someone, but they are angry that I lied to them and they are now saying they don’t trust me to live abroad. I often nag at them as to how they are emotionally closed off from me and that I want to improve our relationship so they are saying that my hiding a three-year-long relationship with them goes against that.
I don’t think I was wrong as going out with someone before marriage, especially out of our ethnicity, is forbidden in my culture and I didn’t know how they’d react if I told them but I would like some opinions. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
I think it is natural for teens to sometimes keep secrets from their parents. As long as you are studying hard and doing well in school where you do it doesn’t really matter (as long as it is a good school and you didn’t give up a better school for a boy).
But it is also natural for parents to want to know when their kids are seeing someone and give guidelines and advice. As a parent, I expect to be involved in the process of choosing colleges and I would want to know all the factors that are present when making such a big life decision.” CalligrapherLow7113
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your parents are controlling and overbearing. They need to understand that you hid this as a result of them being closed off. You are their child… it is their job to uphold a good, healthy, open relationship with you if they expect you to show them any sort of respect.
You are an adult now. You are allowed to do whatever you want. My only concern is that if your parents are helping you financially they do have some sort of right to expect you to adhere to their beliefs so long as you want them to continue to help.
If you are financially responsible, just do you.
If I were you I would consider no contact until they are willing to put effort into repairing the relationship. But that’s just me.” Novel-Upstairs6544
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You hid information you had reason to expect they would react poorly to, primarily while you were a minor under their control.
A lie of omission, and one done to preserve your own emotional and/or physical safety. THEY made a burner account to monitor your activity without your consent. That’s an ACTIVE lie, as well as one that shows you were right to have reservations about how they’d react to you doing something they didn’t like.
Why is lying only alright when they do it?” inkpaperdream
You act like one and your parents accept you as one. Doesn’t sound like they do. I personally would stay in Germany. Good luck
14. AITJ For Demanding My Sister To Get Rid Of Her Stench?
“I am a female (56) with grown children and my sister is 59, single no kids, and is a hoarder. Our parents have both passed and I’m the only family she has. She lives in squalor and her hoarding is so bad that it makes some episodes of ‘Hoarders Buried Alive’ look tame in comparison.
We both survived severe mistreatment in childhood (I had years of therapy) so I understand why she is the way she is. If I ever try to coax her into therapy I’m met with fury, so I don’t bother anymore.
The hoarding is now making her stink.
Think deceased animals, rotting food, and cat urine all rolled into one horrible stench.
Last Easter, we made plans to have dinner together, and I told her I couldn’t go unless she promised to do something about her smell. She said she would, but she didn’t.
During dinner, she kept trying to get downwind of me by moving to the other side of the table when she noticed me retching. I talked with her about it afterward, and she said that she’s doing everything she can and doesn’t know what more she can do so that she doesn’t smell.
So I said that we’d make a plan. I suggested some things she could do about the smell like she could take her clothes to a laundromat and have a shower at the local Y before we meet, and she became furious and hurt. She said I was stripping her of her dignity.
Christmas is coming up, and she asked me if we can get together. I said no. She’s begged me not to turn my back on her. I said no. Now I’m a cold-hearted jerk. Am I?
Edited to add: I’ve exhausted all community resources with the city/county.
For years I contacted hoarding specialists, her doctors, you name it. The answer I keep getting is that she’s an adult and she can live how she wants to live. And that includes living through the repercussions of her choices. Unless SHE makes a change there is nothing anyone else can do.
And believe me, I have tried. She’ll continue to be charged for violating health orders and her house will be condemned and that will be that.
Edited to add 2: the deceased animals I am referring to are the rats and other vermin that have invaded her house.
NOT pets. I’ve offered to set up traps to catch and release them but all the experts say that it won’t help. They’ll continue to invade and thrive until the mess is cleaned up and the entry holes closed.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Your sister is experiencing mental illness. You are experiencing negative consequences of that. Neither of you is equipped to deal with the situation, and it may never be resolved. You have to accept that.
You’re certainly entitled to do whatever you need to take care of yourself, and if that means not being around her, then that’s what you have to do.
I would urge you to seek therapy for yourself, though. If nothing else, you may learn to feel less conflicted, then maybe even how to better interact with her without suffering the negative reactions that you are now.
In any case, please be careful what you say to her now.
I know you’re trying to set boundaries, and you don’t know what else to do, but anything that causes her shame will make her worse, not better.” Red-belliedOrator
Another User Comments:
“NTJ here at all. It’s reasonable to want those around you to smell like something within a standard deviation of humans, as opposed to a rubbish heap.
A house that’s full of dead animals and rotten food is a minor public health nuisance. OP, I know this is difficult, but your sister needs help and isn’t well enough to ask for it. You should call APS (Adult Protective Services) on Monday, tell them about the situation, and ask them to do a welfare check.
People are allowed to live in a certain amount of clutter, but when it descends to the level of dead animals and decaying food the health department needs to get involved. Nobody likes ratting out a family member, but in this case, you’re actually helping her by getting the authorities to intervene.
I hope this helps.” ClackamasLivesMatter
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Could you have her over for a few days and take that opportunity to wash her clothes properly and let her take a bath (I’m assuming hers is full of stuff already)? Even make it a condition of the visit that she has to surrender her clothes for washing and go straight to the bathroom for a long soak when she arrives.
If she declines, then it’s gone beyond hoarding; at that point, she is actively not taking care of herself and needs a mental evaluation for that, completely separately from the hoarding. Maybe if she gets inpatient treatment the council could do something about the house, as it’s in violation and she wouldn’t/couldn’t be expected to do anything in that situation.
If she brings up dignity again, I think you need to kindly say that no, you are not taking her dignity, her illness is, but you are ready to help her reclaim it if she wishes.” Useful_Experience423
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Get adult services involved now.
The smell you are smelling can also be the smell of gangrene or other skin infections.
Sometimes people need to hit rock bottom before they seek help. Right now she is using all the tools in her toolbox to manipulate you into being a part of her preferred reality.
Losing you may be the catalyst she needs to help herself.
I would tell her by phone that until she addresses the hoarding and her health/hygiene you will no longer be able to be part of her life because it hurts your own fight for mental health, and you will not hurt yourself so that she can continue to live in her delusion.
And that as soon as she gets the help you will welcome her back into your life with open arms.
And call Adult Protective Services now.” Momof3dragons2012
I would explain to her that her behavior is self destructive, and you can't stand either her stench or her refusal to take even basic care of herself. Then go no contact with her, and alert the city and get mental health professionals to intervene. Then leave everything alone.
Good luck!
13. AITJ For Making My Sister Buy Me Groceries?
“I went away this past weekend to Maryland and I asked my sister to come over and water my plants.
This is the only thing I asked: come over, water the plants, and leave. I never told her to help herself to any of my food. I am currently living paycheck to paycheck and can only buy what I need, I, unfortunately, don’t have the luxury of buying whatever I want.
While I’m away, she takes it upon herself to raid my fridge, pantry, and anywhere else for food. She does this the entire time I’m gone.
When I returned home, I went to grab something for dinner but found it completely barren. There wasn’t even enough milk for a full glass.
I called her and shouted at her, demanding why she ate everything in my house, but all she told me was to buy more groceries if it was that big of a deal. I told her it was a big deal and that it was MY food I paid with MY money.
Luckily, my family and SO are on my side. She doesn’t think she’s done anything wrong, but after demanding she pay for my groceries, she’s completely evading my calls and texts. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“It sounds like you need to find someone else to take care of your household responsibilities.
Your sister is leeching off of you while you’re gone. In fact, she should completely reimburse you for what she already ate.
You didn’t ask her to eat your food. You asked her to water your plants, but she took it upon herself to take advantage of the situation in order to steal your food.
That is awful, and I’m sorry she has done this. I would disown my sister if she did something like this. Honestly, I have to wonder if she’s possibly high or going through something else because that is really strange behavior.
You need to block her completely from your life.
She’s not entitled to your food and not intending to reimburse you for what she stole, and is, instead, completely evading you.
NTJ.” CyclonicHavoc
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Well now, since she has not paid for anything, and has taken advantage of your better nature, your parents need to understand that the trust that was there between her and you is gone.
That you will never trust her again with anything and this will affect any and all decisions you will make in the future, including who is invited to your wedding, or if you have a child. And she also needs to make sure she has really good friends, for the day she gets into trouble, chances are you will not be able or willing to help her out.
She either makes good and replaces the groceries or deals without you as part of a support system that she may need in the future.” JCWa50
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, tell her until she apologizes and pays for everything she stole you will be going no contact and that includes her not being invited to any family get-togethers.
That as soon as you can afford it you will take her to the claims court and you won’t leave this.
Work out a bill and give it to your parents to give her that way she can’t just ignore a text message.
Whilst also letting every family member or extended family member or friend know ‘she stole from you when you were on holiday now you are unable to feed yourself for weeks’. Why because that will cause her enough hassle that she may give in and it will also stop her from minimizing it.
She thought nothing of stealing and harming you so you have every right to make this a hassle for her.” Sweet-Interview5620
12. AITJ For Asking My Sister How Much Her Husband Paid Her To Marry Him?
“My sister, Laura, (mid-30s) has never wanted kids and until recently she’s said she doesn’t like kids.
She wouldn’t babysit her own nephews because she’s ‘just not a kid person’. Then 2 years ago she started going out with Michael. Michael is extremely rich (don’t know how much he makes in a year but he recently got a bonus that’s around 80x more than what I make in a year) but he has 6 kids, one was an infant when they started going out.
Nobody thought the relationship was going to last because of the kid thing.
Laura moved in with him, his kids, and their nannies last year, and they got married last month. Within the past year, she’s gone from not liking or wanting to be around kids to posting about them all the time on social media, trying to set up play dates between my sons and her ‘sons’, talking about adopting the kids, and mentioned that she and Michael are trying for a baby.
My boys and I were at her house for a play date last weekend and we were talking about life, the kids, and everything when she said she’s glad she waited to get married and that she loves her family. I half-jokingly asked how much Michael paid her to marry him and act like a mom to his kids because she’s said she doesn’t like or want kids since she was a teenager.
We got into an argument, she kicked me and the boys out, and she has our family calling me a jerk for disrespecting her and her husband. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Wondering about the change in decision from no children, to being the stepmother of children is a valid question.
However, the way you asked it, is a jerk move, especially when it was done where anyone, her stepchildren, and yours could hear and was wrong. And the words you used also was wrong.
You may want to apologize. People change, and it has happened before and will continue on.
Children will often say when they are young, they do not like a particular food, and then as adults, decide that it is the best thing to eat and like such.” JCWa50
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – people can change. Assuredly, their wealthy lifestyle (with nannies!) allows her way more freedom than the average parent, so it’s not all that unreasonable that it would lead to a shift in her perspective on how motherhood affects her life.
She likely only has to engage in the parts of parenting she enjoys, while she and Michael pay for others to handle the parts she doesn’t. I doubt Laura was thinking about this as a possibility when she said she didn’t want kids in her teens!
It’s natural that you’re cautious about the perceived radical change in opinion from your sister, and want to defend her from any possibility of being made to adopt a lifestyle that she didn’t want. If her circumstances hadn’t changed so drastically, her opinion changing this much would be a red flag.
But the circumstances are admittedly unusual, right?
It’s also natural that you’re somewhat jealous of the lifestyle that your sister has achieved. It’s hard to help that when someone so close to you has such wildly good fortunes. But suggesting that he bribed her is taking it way too far – you’ve jumped right past supporting her and landed on bitter and petty.
Did you misclassify your feelings and, without self-reflection, unwittingly lump your jealous frustrations on Laura?
I suspect that she’s sensitive about being seen as a gold digger or fake, even though she truly loves Michael and has come to love his kids as her own, and you hit that particular tender spot with your verbal sledgehammer.
Ultimately, your reaction doesn’t seem like it’s about her or the kids. It seems like a ‘gotchya.’
I think you owe her and Michael a genuine apology. You implied that their love and family were illegitimate, that she only loved Michael and his kids because of Michael’s wealth, and that she valued money over her own values.
Be quick and sincere about it, because the wedge between Michael & Laura and you will only grow if you allow the resentment to fester.” Kiss_My_Wookiee
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. So, she was telling you honestly about how happy she was and you decided to dump all over that.
What people decide to joke about says a lot about them. Your jealousy came through to your sister loud and clear and you insulted her and her family. You think your sister’s husband has to pay her to love and marry him? Is he that unlovable?
Or do you think she’s a gold digger? You think she’s not capable of changing her mind about children? Apologize and get over your problem with Michael’s money or you can kiss your relationship with your sister goodbye.” Sodonewithidiots
11. AITJ For Refusing To Have My Sibling's Kids Over?
“So I (29F) have 3 siblings, 5 years ago the first one started having kids and now I have 5 nieces and nephews.
I do like them, and they are sweet kids generally.
Now on to the situation. I have autism, and somehow seem to have difficulties understanding that anything with a face doesn’t have feelings. I know teddy bears aren’t alive, but when I see a teddy bear with a face I feel a strong emphatic feeling to save them and make sure they are happy.
This resulted in me now having a huge collection of teddy bears, specifically jelly cats – the ones with smiley faces. They all live on shelves in my office when they are not with me.
Now, my nieces and nephews have a hard time understanding they can’t play with them or even touch them.
When they are here for social gatherings in the family, they throw tantrums and destroy things in my home when they are told no. I keep the door closed to my office, but as soon as I turn my back they are in there. My siblings think this is a me-problem, ‘You shouldn’t own teddy bears if your nieces and nephews can’t even touch them, since teddy bears are meant for kids’.
So I told them I won’t allow their kids in my home or babysit for them if they can’t teach their kids to follow my rules when they are here. They can bring their own teddies (even though it also hurts me), but they can’t touch mine.
It literally hurts me to see them throw their teddy bears around, drooling on them and squishing them. I know this is a me-thing, and therefore I allow them to bring their own and just******* up. But I promised my teddy bears that I would never let anyone hurt them, and I intend to keep that promise above all else – including nieces and nephews.
My husband says that anyone who hurts my feelings isn’t allowed in our home, but I feel maybe he only says that because he is my husband. My siblings and parents think that I should just allow the kids to play with the teddies, so ‘the whole family doesn’t get split up over my stuffed animals’.
So am I the jerk for refusing to babysit and let my sibling’s children in my house, over some ‘stuffed animals’?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, even if you didn’t have autism and didn’t feel pain when someone did that to the teddies – they are not allowed to touch them.
It doesn’t matter what your collection is – whether it’s plastic spoons, dolls, jelly cats, pokemon cards, electronics, kids’ toys, or grown-up toys, whether it’s cheap or expensive. It’s your property. And no one is entitled to touch it, play with it, damage it, use it or take it.
That’s a line that cannot be passed. People’s collections and people’s property are non-negotiable.
Stick by the rule – they are not allowed to enter unless they do not touch your bear collection.
They are disrespecting you so badly. Because first it’s a collection and they are not toys and they are yours.
And second, you are feeling intense pain from their actions.
They are being awfully bad parents. Parents are meant to teach their kids not to touch, take or damage other people’s property. They teach kids they can’t take things from shops, they can’t take other kids’ toys, they can’t rampage through other people’s homes and open cupboards and rooms and fridges and take things.
They are failing as parents but also failing you so very badly.
Your husband is 100% right.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
This isn’t about teddy bears. The teddy bears actually don’t matter here. It’s about respect.
When you are a guest in someone’s home, you respect their home and the boundaries your host lays out for you.
Take you for example – when you go to someone else’s home, do you hug every teddy bear they have? Do you rearrange their stuff? Do you damage or destroy their possessions without their permission? No? I didn’t think so. That’s because you have respect for their home.
The problem here is your siblings. Not the nieces and nephews, the siblings. They are allowing their children to come into your home and play with things that aren’t theirs, which they don’t have permission to play with. They are teaching those kids that it’s okay to mess with other people’s stuff when they are guests.
And they are teaching those kids that having tantrums and destroying other people’s possessions is a good way to ‘get their way’.
You’re seeing the bears as human, so you’re worried that ‘choosing’ to keep your promise to the bears maybe shouldn’t be more important than humans in your life.
And in that sense, you’re right. But making the human more important DOESN’T mean allowing the human to mess with your personal possessions, or tolerate them intentionally destroying your possessions when you establish a VERY REASONABLE boundary (that’s mine and you’re not allowed to play with it).
So in this case, your husband is correct. I’d tweak his statement to be ‘anyone who doesn’t respect your home, isn’t allowed in your home’. And in that context, it’s not just because he’s your husband. Any self-respecting person would say that.
So I suggest you and he should set some clear expectations.
- First, get a lock for your office door. That way if/as/when the kids come over, they can be kept out of that room. Obviously don’t tell siblings where the key is.
- Second, give your husband a hug. He sounds like a great guy and very supportive.
- Third, along with him, set some ground rules for the house. For example, any visiting children are never allowed to play with your bears or go to the office, period. And any tantrum child who breaks your stuff will be expected (or their parent will be expected) to replace it or pay for it.
Then, together, communicate this to the rest of the family. Tell them that you are happy to host and babysit the children, but you expect the children to maintain a basic standard of behavior as any guest would when visiting another home.
This is how your parents raised you all and it’s the same level of respect you’d give any of them or any other home you are a guest in.
Use the word ‘bear’ as few times as possible in this communication – make it about respecting the boundaries of the host rather than about bears.” SirEDCaLot
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your house, your rules. It’s not an unreasonable rule either, the kids shouldn’t touch your stuff and your siblings should respect you.
That said, there may be a solution. Are the plushies only in your office? If so you could install a lock on your office room door.
If that’s not a solution, then you could try temporarily moving your plushies to a safe, cozy space for them in the basement or attic or somewhere the kids won’t look for the duration of the visit, and then back to the office afterward.
A lock would be a more honest solution, but this way you can pretend you sold the plushies. It’s easier for the kids and your siblings to get mad about being denied plushies they know are there than it is to get mad about being denied plushies that (they think) no longer exist. But I’d feel kinda scummy about doing that because I dislike lying, so up to you.” Mikomics
10. AITJ For Siding With My Mom Over My Fiancée?
“My mom was raised by my grandma’s ex-husband after my grandma abandoned her. When she was 17 her bio dad wanted to meet her. He claims he tried to see her when she was younger, but her mom’s husband used his wealth and connections to make that impossible.
My mom did give him a chance, but it did not work out well. She hates him. He isn’t too fond of her as she is so much like her stepdad/adopted dad.
I happened to connect with my bio grandfather a few years ago, and we have built a decent relationship.
He is invited to my wedding and I’m sure my mom isn’t happy, but she hasn’t said anything. She also isn’t happy because her stepfather is not invited, but that is non-negotiable as the man is a massive jerk to me and my fiancee.
The issue is we recently talked about family pictures and decided we would be including my bio grandfather as well as my mom’s half-sister, who she refuses to acknowledge in any way, as it feels right to us.
When my mom heard this she became very upset and said we were crossing a line as she was adopted (there is no legal adoption) and we are overriding that and pretending these people are family. It got heated and I let her know it is our wedding and our decision.
She did calm down and say we can do what we want, but she will sit out the pictures. I was ok with that, but my fiancee began yelling at her that if she isn’t in the pictures she can’t come, she was selfish, and as my mom, she is obligated to be in the pictures.
I shut that down and said my mom isn’t obligated to do anything and she is allowed to have her own boundaries. I told my mom not to worry, she is absolutely invited.
Now my fiancee is angry with me for siding with my mom, ‘not setting boundaries’ and ‘allowing my mom to snub our wedding.'”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – She can invite his mom and you can invite yours. Fiancée does not have veto power over invitations however it would be nice if both of you agreed. Ask your mom if you can get a solo photo of her at the wedding for the album or a picture of just the two of you.
There could be some serious reindeer games going on at your wedding so be prepared. Have a friend standing outside the venue with a cup of coffee or chocolate milk to trip and spill on mom if she shows up in white.” survival-nut
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You judge your mom for picking her stepdad over her bio dad but you’re picking the new family over your mom. Unless she abandoned you and is a trashy person why would you do that? Her bio dad abandoned her and you want her to pretend it’s one big happy family?
Your fiance sounds terrible quite frankly and is intent on driving a wedge between you and your mom. You’re picking all these people over your mom and I’d really like to know what she did to deserve this treatment cause from here you just come across as a giant jerk.” oc1526
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are handling this in absolutely the right way. It’s your and your fiancée’s wedding; so it’s your guest list. Guests may accept your invitation or not, as they wish.
If a guest comes to your wedding, they are expected to put aside all pettiness and focus on your happiness.
Otherwise, they should not come.
Guests may be invited to sit for pictures, whether posed or spontaneous. They should be allowed to opt out of pictures if they so wish.
Your and their choices are not ruining anything. It’s simply good manners. You’re having a wedding with a party afterward; you’re not filming a Cecil B.
DeMille blockbuster.” Individual_Ad_9213
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Just because there was no formal/legal adoption doesn’t mean that your step-grandfather isn’t your mother’s parent. You are probably the least sucky person in this situation but you do suck a little for drawing that distinction.
He did the work, he formed the bond, and he supported her as a parent; he’s her dad.
You’re quite within your rights to exclude one grandparent and invite the other on the basis of how they relate to you, and your photos should of course represent your choices.
You’re right to say your mother should have the right to sit out the photos but it does seem a bit childish to refuse to be in all of them rather than just opt to have the photographer take pictures of all the important people and have different groupings to reflect who will or won’t share a frame willingly.
Your fiancée is right to an extent that your mother’s attitude is making things difficult and causing problems that don’t need to exist.
However, your fiancée’s reaction is way out of line and she is by far the worst person in all this.
She doesn’t get to disinvite your mother over a dispute that you’re all trying to resolve and compromise on unless you also agree with that decision. And being angry with you over something that should really affect you much more than her is petulant and overdramatic and she should check her ego and remember that this is your celebration as well as hers before she starts throwing around orders like that.” redcore4
9. AITJ For Wanting My Bedroom Door Closed?
“All my brothers are 23+ but recently decided to go back to college, so while they’re finishing up they live with us (Me 19F, Mom 49F, Dad 40M).
In the beginning, I had no issue with this but now I do. My brothers all have partners and they’re all old and ya know, mature. Which leads to me not sleeping because they’re loud. I talked to my parents about this and they just brushed it off and said it’s normal for boys their age.
Pretty much telling me to******* up.
I try to close my door but my dad would come in screaming and would tear my room apart screaming about me having someone over. No, I do not have a significant other. I just wanna sleep without hearing anything.
I tried sleeping in my car but again my dad and mom would call the police and say I’m missing even tho I’m parked in the garage sleeping in my backseat. Recently tho my parents sat me down and told me that I’m no longer allowed to close my door.
They said they don’t want me to have anyone over cause I can get prego, again don’t even have a partner. I told them that won’t be happening and until my brothers can get a hotel room or learn to respect other ppl’s sleep I would be closing my door.
This led to a huge argument, my brothers got involved and told me that they shouldn’t have to stop doing the nasty because I can’t ignore it for a little while. I told them that was too bad for them cuz I won’t stop until they stop.
My mom started ranting about how what if a fire starts and they can’t get in or what if I get kidnapped, mind you my door isn’t locked just closed. I downright told them I won’t stop closing my door until we can compromise on something and until then it’s gonna be fighting?
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
They’re pulling out a lot of excuses and double standards to not give your privacy the same respect as your brothers.
The fact is, you’re 19, and while you do need to follow their rules while you’re under their roof, they aren’t treating you like you’re 19.
They’re not even respecting your right to have peace and quiet to sleep in your own home.
You shouldn’t be forced to listen to your brothers getting laid all the time. They can keep it down out of respect for others in the house, or they can go hook up at the partners’ house.
But I’m honestly just so floored that they refuse to get involved in your brothers’ personal lives whatsoever, but are so concerned with yours that they won’t let you close your door in response to their refusal to intervene. Absolute insanity.” finallyinfinite
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your Mom’s fire argument is invalid because a closed door will actually SAVE you in a fire as it creates a barrier and prevents the fire from eating the oxygen in your room.
That being said…the double standard is UNREAL!!! Your brothers could impregnate their partners!!!
Do your parents just think that your brothers will abandon their partners if they knock them up?! Like what?! If they’re so concerned then they should help you get birth control.
I’m sorry that your parents suck OP.” ScrevyRevington
8. WIBTJ If I Don't Put My "Toys" Away?
“I am a 40-year-old female who comes from a decent-sized family (4 of us kids in total). My husband (37M) and I have been married for 5 years and have no kids, despite trying.
To give my parents a break, we offered to host Thanksgiving at our place this year. All things told we are looking at about 16 people. I collect Lego (architecture stuff) and it’s displayed around the house as decor. My oldest sister has 4 kids (1 doesn’t associate with the family).
She will be bringing her son (28M), and 2 daughters (12f and 8f).
My 8-year-old niece has a very rare condition which includes seizures and autistic tendencies. While I know she has special needs, she is a very bright and creative child. But because of her complications, they tend to indulge her or cater to her to keep her ‘happy’.
Today my sister informed me if I have any ‘toys’ my niece can’t play with I should put them away. Not actually asked, more told. Because she doesn’t want to fight with my niece. My husband thinks it’s ridiculous and my sister should just parent her child for a change.
I admit my sister often thinks the rest of the family should watch her kids at family events. We put away my decorative dolls but the Lego is a large part of my decor, and I would like to show it off. WIBTJ if I refuse to put away my ‘toys’ and simply ask my sister to mind her kids?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I think that you and your husband fundamentally misunderstand your niece’s condition and needs. She could be a genius, but if she has a brain condition that causes a disordered regulation of impulse and emotion your sister can be the best parent in the world and not be able to manage your niece’s behavior.
The prevailing theory is to ‘meet the child where they are’. In behavioral crisis intervention, the first thing you are taught is to adjust setting conditions, meaning you don’t put your kid in an environment that is going to trigger them.
It takes professionals to develop a strategy, in controlled settings to expose the child to a trigger and work on their response.
Like, if your niece had diabetes you wouldn’t expect your sister to become an endocrinologist to be a good parent to her. Well, you shouldn’t expect her to become a Psychologist either to manage your niece’s neurodiversity. Your sister has to deal with the rest of the world judging her for her child’s medical condition.
I don’t think she deserves her family doing it to her. It would be a really kind thing to support your sister and put the legos away.” janeradar
Another User Comments:
“I guess it depends on what you’re going to do when something happens to those sets.
I have 2 autistic kids, and we don’t go to very many family events for exactly these reasons. It’s not actually very much of a family atmosphere for the parent who has to literally follow their child around constantly to make sure they don’t touch stuff they’re not supposed to or the like.
It’s cute that your husband thinks she should ‘just parent her kid’ like she’s not already.
No amount of redirection works with some kids, so what, should we just beat them into submission so they don’t touch your stuff? Does he also think autistic kids are just brats who haven’t been told no?
Did your parents ask for the break or did you just offer to host? If they didn’t ask, maybe you shouldn’t. I assume as grandparents their house is more adapted to their actual family and everyone would be more comfortable there.
You said so yourself at the end you just want to show it off, so does a huge and important family dinner come second behind your need to show off your decor?
I guess I’m lucky in the sense that my side of the family actually goes around and puts away things they know will be a problem so that everyone’s comfortable and functional, but my husband’s side doesn’t and they haven’t seen our kids in 4 years.
You do you, though. As long as everyone can see your cool Legos.
YTJ, of course.” These-Grocery-9387
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your house so you get to decide, but also if you don’t put them away, don’t get upset if they get broken. I work with kids with autism all the time and even parents that do parent them very well have difficulties managing them and keeping up with them.
Please don’t judge your sister so harshly for ‘not parenting’ her child. Until you live it 24/7 you truly have no idea what it’s like or how difficult it is. You REALLY have to pick your battles.
To you, you may see that your sister gives into everything.
What really may have happened was that there was a 30-minute argument about wearing shoes and another 15-minute argument about not having the right shirt clean then they had to take a different way to get to the location or make an unexpected stop which led to another meltdown.
By the time they arrive at the event your sister is emotionally exhausted and just needs (not wants, but really needs) to spend some time with other adults so she gives her child whatever will give her a few minutes of peace.” sparkling467
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ. You are a whole 40 years old, you can put away your most valuable sets for a night or two and forego the need to show off your home decor.
You clearly disapprove of how your sister handles her family, and if one is no contact, you likely have a good reason.
But thanksgiving dinner which you actively volunteered to host to give your elderly parents a break is NOT the battlefield to put your foot down and try a come to Jesus moment regarding your sister’s iffy parenting and show her up – all it does is put your niece in a terrible position and putting her in distress because the adults in her life have no idea how to communicate with each other, and they’re not the ones with a medical condition that makes that difficult.
Put your stuff away. Let the kid play with the Legos you’re happy to let her play with. Accept that hosting a family Thanksgiving means you are signing up for family drama.
As a side note: some autistic kids are good at understanding no, but some really cannot.
It’s not their fault if they do not have the literal cognitive abilities to do so or if they were enabled by bad parenting. Your sister may or may not suck as a parent but her request that you hide your important stuff is frankly the best thing to do.” mignyau
7. AITJ For Offering To Pay For My Best Friend's Burial?
“My (28f) best friend since primary school died. I have been in a horrible state mentally, and I am doing the best I can to cope. I am a web designer, and my husband is a chef. I do make more yearly, but only by a bit.
I was talking with my best friend’s husband. They were in a tough place, and her husband can’t afford to pay an extra 1k for burial instead of cremation. My friend would have wanted a burial, and it would make my mental state worse if she was cremated. Something about my best friend being ashes makes me feel sick, and it would feel like a part of me was torn apart.
I would feel a sense of closure that I would not feel if she is cremated.
I offered her husband to pay the extra cost for burial, so a bit less than 1k. I told my husband about this, but he was upset. He asked why I had to blow our funds for my ‘religious beliefs.’ Now I feel like a jerk and I don’t know what to do.
I would feel incomplete if she was ashes, but my husband is negatively affected by my grieving and now by this purchase. My husband said that I was not thinking rationally because of my sadness.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I think what needs to be considered is if your friend had a will and if this was stated in it.
It also depends on if your friend’s husband knows if she preferred cremation or burial because sometimes, people change their minds.
Because it’s also both of your funds, and there’s the clear for the burial, perhaps maybe try a kick starter of some sort, mutual friends and family that would be willing to help out?
I’m sure you could help with the majority, but maybe your husband is also being stiff because it may not be money you can afford, and if it’s coming from both of your funds, it is a valid discussion.” Daligheri
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! FIRST, I am so sorry for your loss!
Your husband lacks empathy toward your loss. It’s less than 1K and if you guys can financially afford it and still be comfortable, I don’t see why this is an issue. You should have talked to your husband first though, and because you didn’t, he’s mad that you made this kind of financial decision without him.
You need to ask yourself, long term could you live with yourself if you ignore your best friend’s wishes? Is there a way you can work extra hours or do private small jobs to earn the money so it doesn’t come straight out of your bank account?
You should stress the importance of this situation to your husband. It doesn’t even have to be over religious reasons.
You also should talk to your husband about how it makes you feel with the way that he has handled the situation but apologize for how you handled it on your part and the lack of communication.
If my husband had said something like that to me I’d been brokenhearted and pretty hurt. You aren’t me, I’m just putting myself in your shoes. More than ever you need your husband’s support right now and from what I read, it feels like you aren’t getting that.” Wtf_did_eye_do
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
It is a wonderful gesture but really it depends on how you handle your finances in terms of ‘largish’ expenditures and what your finances are like.
For some people, $1000 wouldn’t really be a significant amount for them to spend on something they felt was important whereas for other people it would really put a dent in savings – possibly take away all of their emergency funds and so definitely should not have been offered without a significant agreement form your spouse.
You don’t mention where you are located but my personal experience with funeral and burial expenses is that burial costs significantly more than cremation. All of my family chose to be cremated and the cost for all expenses related to cremation was about $500. A casket plus a burial site and all the expenses for the burial are much more than $1500 as cemetery plots and caskets/coffins are extremely expensive.” Jujulabee
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Not for the burial, that’s a very commendable thing, but negating to discuss it with your husband before deciding it. It would be one thing if it came from just your account. Then you can do whatever you want but it sounds like it’s coming from a joint account you and hubby share and despite what people here say, it’s 1k, even in a 2-income household that’s still a nice bit of change to fork out without discussing it with your spouse first.” Long_Squash1762
6. WIBTJ If I Rehome My Husband's Dog?
“I (28 Female) and my husband (29) recently brought our first house. As a congratulatory gift, my husband’s friend gifted him a 3-month-old Doberman, because my husband has wanted a dog for quite some time now but was never able to get one because we couldn’t have pets where we used to live.
Admittedly I was really on the fence when he brought her home because, I work 12-14 hour shifts at a really understaffed dialysis clinic and although my husband works from home, he’s constantly in and out of meetings. He assured me that none of that would be a problem, but here we are 3 months later and it has been a massive problem.
Although this little puppy is the sweetest, and extremely smart, she’s a six-month-old puppy… she’s super energetic and needs constant engagement and I’ve been the only one doing the best that I can. I take her for 2-3 mile walks before and after work, at all times I put out 6 puzzles for her to do throughout the day when I’m working so she can get some sort of stimulation because I know for a fact my husband is just going to say that he’s ‘too overwhelmed with work’ like he’s been saying the past 3 months.
I just feel so bad that she isn’t getting all of the attention and love that she deserves. I love this little pupper, but I think she should be with a family who can give her the proper love and attention that she needs, so I brought up rehoming her to my husband and he flew off the handle saying that I don’t have a right to give away his dog because she was given to him.
With all that being said, he still doesn’t give her the training, love, and attention that she deserves, so I looked into some families and found a wonderful family with 3 kids and a huge yard, and I’m planning on making arrangements with them this upcoming week to rehome her.
WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Oh… the minefield…
I am going to say NTJ. This is not some weird control thing, it’s not jealousy of a dog, this is he’s not living up to his word and the dog is suffering for it. You are also suffering for it.
It’s not fair to either of you. It’s also not his dog when he’s not doing basic care for it every day. It’s technically your dog. You’re carrying the burden to make sure the dog is walked, cared for, and stimulated throughout the day. This is tough.
He also brought the dog into the home without getting a firm ‘yes’ from you first, so he clearly lacks respect for you as a partner.
Dogs aren’t ornamental. He was in love with the idea of a dog. He didn’t actually want a dog.” LetThemEatHay
Another User Comments:
“Tough call. On the one hand, it’s probably in the pup’s best interest to go to a home that is better suited to its needs. On the other hand, not your dog, so not your place to make that decision. Even though you are providing a majority of the care, that is your choice to do so and doesn’t make the dog yours.
And giving the dog away could result in legal action against a totally uninvolved family.
6 months to about a year is the teenage stage for most dogs, and they are the worst during this time in my experience (worked as a dog trainer for several years).
They do often settle down quite a bit after that.
If your husband wants to keep the dog, demand he either take more responsibility for its care and training or recompense you for any time and work you put in. Or refuse to help. If he’s too overwhelmed with work, let the pup make a mess and interrupt meetings.
And make sure he cleans it up. It’s his dog, so it’s his responsibility. Pup chews something up, your husband pays with his own funds to replace it.
Your husband will either have to step up, and accept rehoming as an option, or conditions will get bad enough for you to have the pup removed due to neglect.
I know it’s hard, and might be worth sticking it out until the pup is older and hopefully settles down a bit. But Dobermans are a fairly energetic and intelligent breed and will find ways to amuse themselves if not properly trained and exercised. Like pulling siding off the house (true story).
Maybe another option to give is to have your husband agree to rehome the current pup and get another pup when your husband is not so ‘overwhelmed’ with work. Adopting or getting a breed you both researched and like Retrievers of all kinds are generally great dogs, smart and steady.
(Except when they are 6mo to 1yr. Then they are the biggest jerks. But they are lovely after that.) Then the dog could be ‘ours’ instead of ‘mine’.
So YWBTJ if you gave away a dog that’s not (or not completely) yours. But you have the dog’s best interests at heart.
There are other options to try first.” Shibaspots
5. AITJ For Not Leaving My Friend's Place?
“I (24f) moved abroad with my partner after graduating from university 18 months ago. One of my best friends from uni, Callum (24m) returned to start his Ph.D. and is living in a shared accommodation block.
I was visiting my family back home this weekend and had arranged a day to visit Callum and see my old uni town again, and had then planned to go to the airport from there (as it’s way nearer than my hometown haha).
Callum had offered me to crash on a blow-up mattress on his floor, and I very happily accepted rather than shell out on a hotel.
When I got to Callum’s, he had invited his friends in the block to hang out and I met his new girl, Hannah, for the first time.
They’ve been together a few months but we hadn’t had the chance to meet yet. I liked her loads at first and thought she and Callum were super sweet together – I’ve known Callum for ages and I’d never seen him this happy.
When the group started to break up for the evening, she asked me where I was planning on staying for the night.
I was surprised that she didn’t know and told her what Callum had offered. She then took me outside and asked me to please stay somewhere else that night as she felt uncomfortable with a female friend staying in his room. I didn’t really have anywhere else to go so I said that unless she could help me with a hotel room at this late stage, I couldn’t really go anywhere.
She then said that I was disrespecting her boundaries with her partner and that in any case now she was going to stay with Callum and it would be inappropriate for me to be there. She lives in the neighboring block so I asked her why she couldn’t just return there, and she said she had the right to decide which women get to share her partner’s room, ‘especially if it’s an old female friend who I don’t know if she’s had a history with him.’
To be clear, there is no history there at all on either side, and I told her this, but she said she had no way of knowing if I was telling the truth. Again, I refused to leave – we had arranged this ages ago and she couldn’t just undo that last minute unilaterally just because she was his SO – and with that, I went back inside and we said nothing more about it.
I stayed the night on the blow-up mattress and left really early this morning, I’m at work now and just got a text from Callum asking if we can call off this evening because he just got a text from Hannah saying that I disrespected her boundaries and that he needs to cut me off.
He’s one of my closest friends and I don’t want to lose him, so I’m wondering if I should apologize. My partner thinks that this is ridiculous and if anyone needs to apologize, it’s her, but at this point, I’m not sure. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It was certainly silly of Callum not to tell her.
But it was absurd for her to take you outside and demand you leave. That also suggests to me that she knows it was not justified, otherwise she would have taken it up directly with Callum.
Your response is perfectly fine – it was late and you had nowhere to go.
I’m not sure what you would be apologizing for. She’s the one who disrespected you by trying to kick you out of somewhere she does not live, and Callum, by trying to do this to you instead of speaking with him.
She doesn’t really have any claim on setting such ‘boundaries’ with you.
He should run a mile, but sadly if he decides to acquiesce to his partner’s demands there’s not much you can do about it. You can say ‘Sorry you’re in a difficult situation’ but it’s not like an apology to anyone here is going to stop her from trying to make him cut you off.” Left-Car6520
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, both of you should have immediately brought Callum into the conversation. You suck here because you just straight up said no to her and invalidated her concerns without addressing them, did you really expect this issue to just go away?
Of course, it was going to cause issues with their relationship and if you care about him then you should respect his relationship. She sucks because she should have also gone directly to Callum and her trying to cut off your friendship is uncalled for, however, if you had settled this before you spent the night she probably wouldn’t have had an issue with you to begin with.” Snowconetypebanana
Another User Comments:
“Callum screwed up by not telling Hannah that you were staying over. Her suspicions are very understandable considering the fact that he never told her ahead of time that you would be crashing at his place.
As mentioned earlier, Hannah having a problem with the arrangement is very understandable considering the fact that Callum never told her.
She should have discussed her issues with him and not you though.
It’s also very unreasonable for her to expect you to get a hotel on such short notice too. You didn’t work a hotel stay into your budget for the trip because you were going to stay at Callum’s place.
You may not have even pulled the trigger on the trip considering a hotel stay would have made the trip much more expensive. Hannah staying with him while you were there would be enough to ensure no funny business went down between you and Callum if that’s what she was worried about.
Don’t worry about not having Callum or Hannah in your life moving forward. You’ll be better without them. Hannah lacks the maturity to address issues she has with Callum like an adult with a brain. She also sounds like a control freak. As far as Callum, his shady behavior means that he really wanted to sleep with you which is why he offered for you to crash at his place.
He may not have made a move to try to seduce you but would have been all over you without giving it a second thought if you made any inclination that you wanted to shag (which would have fulfilled what he has fantasized about). He didn’t tell Hannah about your plans to crash at his place because he couldn’t keep a straight face while telling her that she has nothing to worry about.
He only acted like he saw you as a good friend and pretended to be a friend to you so that he could sleep with you. You don’t need guys like that in your life.
NTJ
You have plenty of time to make other friends too.
If you can’t, then there’s a whole other set of problems to address.” BillyJayJersey505
4. AITJ For Getting Upset With My Cousin For Not Accommodating My Daughter's Vegan Diet?
“I (50F) have a daughter (16F) who is vegan, she has been vegan for nearly a year. My cousin (51M) who we’ll call ‘Chad’ and his wife (50F) sometimes host family dinners and invite as much family as possible, even at one point inviting my Brother-In-Law to attend these dinners when the two had never met prior.
The problem is that within the 3 dinners my daughter and I have attended since she went vegan, only the first one had food she could eat. The last two have not had a single vegan food there.
Normally I would understand if they had trouble accommodating a vegan diet, but Chad and his wife were vegan from early 2020 to mid-2021.
Meaning they should absolutely have some knowledge of how to make a vegan dish, whether that be a side or the main dish. A couple of days ago we went to one of these dinners, and lo and behold, nothing she could eat. Last night, while calling Chad, I mentioned that he’s done nothing to accommodate my daughter’s diet.
He said that he shouldn’t have to go out of his way to buy expensive food and make something nobody else will touch. I then pointed out that he hosts these dinners himself and invites us both, and if he is inviting us why does he not want to make sure my daughter can eat?
He got upset with me, claiming I should be glad we were invited and not ‘pick at little details I don’t like’. AITJ?
ETA: We always bring our own food. I’m not asking for a special dish for her, but to just spare the butter and bacon grease on one vegetable-based dish so she can eat it.
My daughter and I also both struggle with cooking due to disabilities.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your cousin is also a jerk for his aggressive response. If you have dietary restrictions bring your own food. Would you be more upset if he didn’t invite you to the family event or invited but knowing there wouldn’t be the food you could eat?
Let’s say you are hosting a party. Guest 1 is dairy intolerant. Guest 2 has a gluten allergy. Guest 3 is allergic to peanuts. Guest 4 is a vegetarian. Guest 5 is a vegan. Guest 6 is a pescatarian. Guest 7 is allergic to legumes. Sure there may be a dish or two that you can make to placate some of these dietary concessions but why do you have to do the emotional and physical labor to make other dishes in addition to what you had planned.” Abject-Tooth7778
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
In the future, simply ask if there will be something being served that your daughter can eat. Get the answer beforehand instead of picking a fight with someone who is hosting the family. Make your agreement for going contingent on your daughter being accommodated. If he says there won’t be anything vegan, then simply say thanks but no thanks.
If he understands that your presence will hinge on this issue, it’s his choice to make whether or not to accommodate you as desired guests to his dinner. By confronting him in the way you did, you make this option much less likely to be the case.
And as the host, if he knows a guest has certain limitations, he should certainly try to make sure there are at least 1 or 2 things being served that your daughter can enjoy.
Normally I’d suggest bringing your own dish to accommodate your daughter as well but your edit makes it seem like that could be troublesome.
Maybe you get some takeout to bring with you that your daughter can enjoy.
All I know is that if I’m hosting, I’d want grateful guests, not angry guests who seem to think I should remember everyone’s eating quirks. If someone has a very limited menu of what they can eat but still wants to join, I’d expect them to bring something they can enjoy themselves, but that’s just my opinion personally.
I have foods I can’t eat because I feel sick just eating them. And if a dinner party only consisted of those kinds of foods, I can see myself eating nothing and being very unhappy. And I’d probably just pick up some dinner I could enjoy on my way home AND leave the event early.
Starting a confrontation isn’t really advisable in my opinion.” jammy913
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
First, if you invite people to dinner, you should be able to feed them. I take my guest’s dietary preferences into consideration and while a vegan/vegetarian/gluten-free person might not be able to eat everything I cook, they will have a full meal if I have invited them in (and knew about the preference before the meal).
Second, it isn’t expensive to cook vegan. Salad is completely vegan unless you ADD items that are certainly more than the cost of vegetables. A salad with tomatoes, cucumber, radish, nuts (okay those can get pricey), onions, and a simple dressing is not expensive. It is the cheese and meat that you add to the salad that costs more.
Same with vegetable side dishes – switch butter for olive oil and $3 carrots are completely vegan.
Third, they were vegan, they know how to make stuff vegan.
And finally, just stop going. Your cousin doesn’t want to accommodate your daughter, now you know that, so stop going and use that time to do something with your daughter instead.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“Sounds a bit odd on their part. I’d say everyone sucks here – you for continuing to take your daughter to these dinners because after the second time of her having nothing to eat you should’ve gotten a clue, and your cousin for continuing to invite you, knowing that not all of his invited guests can eat because he refuses to make a vegan dish for them, despite knowing how to make something a vegan could eat.
You could refuse his invitations from now on, or maybe you could offer to do family dinners on alternating dates, then you could do vegan dishes, which might give him an idea of what he could cook for the next dinner. Or you could be petty, invite him to dinner, do an all-vegan spread and see if he gets the point about being excluded.” Fearless-Golf-8496
3. AITJ For Not Driving My Classmates?
“Earlier this quarter, I started a field study course with my college where I would drive to an off-campus location for observation and work. It’s only about 20 minutes away from my house.
Upon signing up for the field study, my advisor asked if anyone could drive other students and receive a stipend for it.
I answered yes, under the assumption that the classmates I would be paired up with live relatively close to my house.
When reviewing the carpool list, I found out that literally every driver except me was paired with someone who lived close to them. My peers (4 of them) lived 40 minutes away from my house, and 45 minutes total from the lab.
After 2 days of driving around, I realized this was not going to work out. A very large chunk of my time was being taken up and the stipend didn’t completely cover my gas money.
In week 2, I told my advisor that I didn’t want to be a driver anymore.
She said OK, I refunded the stipend, and then my peers had to find their own transportation.
My peers didn’t show up to field study for a week and then when they finally did, they told me that they were paying $60 for an Uber to get here.
Of course, I felt bad that I could help them but ultimately didn’t. But I knew I would have a large headache being the driver.
Anyhow, it wasn’t a real biggie but now they’re ignoring me at field study. Luckily there are other people and partners I can work with, but whenever we’re forced into a project together, it’s really awkward.
I think they’re a bit bitter about me not wanting to drive them. AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You could have explained to your peers the problem and asked them to meet you closer to your house, but there’s no guarantee that would have worked or that they wouldn’t have claimed you were getting paid to pick them up.
But in the end, the system failed you by partnering you up with an inappropriate carpool and you ended it, not a jerk move at all.
I don’t know where you live but for $60 a day, one of them could probably hire a car and drive the rest and claim the stipend.
Then split the costs. But since they won’t talk to you they can’t hear that suggestion. Oh well.” Natural_Garbage7674
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but neither are they. They are angry because they were led to expect you to drive them and when you dropped out, no one in the school felt responsible for setting up an alternative.
Wouldn’t you be upset? It may be small-minded for them to be angry at you, but if there was no one else identifiable as responsible for arranging transportation, it is understandable. Eventually, they will get over it, but that may or may not happen before the end of the term.” Alteripse
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
The stipend covers some gas money and time if it makes sense. Effectively, because you were paired up in a stupid way, you were being asked to be a below-market-rate Uber. That’s just stupid.
You’re NTJ here.” GrandpaJoeSloth
2. AITJ For Selling My Carpet At The Same Price I Bought It?
“I (F35) share a big apartment (4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, big common room, and big balcony) with 2 friends (both M31) A & B.
My BFF (M35) and I bought the apartment from the start but he lives with his SO in another town. Cause of this almost all of the furniture and everyday items are owned by me and all of the bills stand in my name. Both of my friends have contracts and pay me rent every month.
1 – 2 months ago a common friend C (M26) wanted to rent the last room. He’s closer to the other two, but nice and pays on time.
I and my partner (M26) are moving in together on my family’s farm. I’m still keeping the apartment with my BFF and renting it out to the friends.
I’ve so far been considerate when wanting to take my furniture and other belongings. I’ve tried to fit it into their schedule, I’ve asked for minimal help with moving, and also made sure that C has replacements.
I am paying my part til I have moved out all of my stuff.
After a chat discussion, I brought up the hallway carpet. It’s made to absorb dirt and mud and is easy to clean, and fits almost perfectly in the apartment hallway. It would also fit almost perfectly in the hallway on the farm.
I said that I wanted to bring the carpet.
I was 95% certain I had bought it, since I buy everything for the apartment, but if they had any claims to it I was willing to listen. A wanted to go through our chat history to see if we had discussed it there and B’s reaction was ‘If you own that carpet I will buy it from you.’ Then he asked if I had a receipt.
I looked and found it, proving 100% it was my carpet. I sent it in the chat saying ‘Here’s the receipt. I’ve checked my bank account and none of you have transferred money to me equivalent of what the carpet cost, if you want it you can buy it for what it cost me.’ At that point I was basically like screw it, I’ll buy a new one, but I’m not gonna lose money.
(to be clear I had checked my bank account)
Still, A wanted to check the chat history to see what we had said.
I was fairly irritated at this point, and it didn’t get better when I was coming over to get stuff the next day and B said ‘Yeah, you can come over, just don’t take the carpet because we’re buying that.’ When I called him out on it, I first pointed out that he could’ve asked if I actually wanted to sell the carpet and not just told me that he would buy it, and then asked him why he felt the need to point out that I shouldn’t take it, he answered: ‘Just to say it.’
Then C asked why I wanted to take full price for it since I’ve also used the carpet after I bought it. I said I didn’t want to sell the carpet, I wanted to use it, but B decided for me that he would buy it, so then he had to pay the price I wanted that would compensate for me ordering a new carpet and driving and getting it at the postal service.
According to them, I’m a jerk.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s yours. You want to keep it because you will be able to use it in your new place. With their attitudes? I wouldn’t sell it at twice the replacement cost.
Take your rug (for which you have the receipts) and leave the name and location of the store from which it was originally purchased, the details so that they can purchase a rug with the same dimensions and durability, and if they continue to be whining, entitled jerks?
Decline to renew the lease when it is up for renewal.
These people sound exhausting and awful.” maddiep81
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – carpets depreciate in value and it wouldn’t be even worth close to what you originally paid for it. You should either have taken it with you or charged maybe 75% of its value.
That being said, it’s your carpet and you can do whatever you want with it.” Angelblade92
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’ve read the Little Red Hen and they seem to have skipped over the pages where she did all the work and have arrived at the end to declare that they should get bread cause the hen got it for free anyway.
Tell them they can have a brand new carpet for that price if they do all the work or they can pay for the carpet and be happy you did the work for them but in no way will you be accepting less than the cost of the carpet when it is much easier for you to use the one you already put time and energy into.” enonymousCanadian
1. AITJ For Disregarding My Daughter's Grief?
“I (m49) have 4 kids (f22, f19, m10, and f6).
‘Amy’ is my eldest.
Amy is a very good student but tends to slack off sometimes, regardless she got accepted into a very well-known school and we’re extremely proud of her. She received some aid and we said we would cover the rest of her tuition fees.
Last year Amy mentioned she was struggling with the coursework, I encouraged her to work harder but she wasn’t getting it and we were all worried about her grades slipping. She said a friend introduced her to ‘Jack’, a few years her senior who’d graduated from her major with top marks, and she would go to him for tutoring.
I guess it worked because she started doing better.
Jack died a couple of weeks ago. Amy has understandably been a little upset, and I and my wife have tried our best to comfort her. The issue that’s come up now is that Amy said she’s going to take this semester off to ‘cope’.
I was very surprised by this and don’t think this is a good idea, as she’ll fall behind which might cause problems later. Amy is insistent on this. I discussed this with my wife and told Amy if she takes the semester off, I won’t be paying for her tuition anymore.
She got mad, but I told her that she can’t take time off for zero reason and expect everything to go her way.
My wife agrees with this but my second daughter is also saying that this isn’t right.
Am I being the jerk with this?
ETA: Amy mentioned when I saw her on Christmas break last year that she and Jack had started ‘seeing each other’, but I didn’t think it sounded serious. Amy then told me, when I talked to her after his passing, that he’d asked if she wanted to move in with him and she was thinking about it, but again this was the first me or my wife heard of it.
Amy’s mom apparently knew.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Her friend DIED. She’s grieving.
Now, I can get why you think taking a whole semester off isn’t a good idea. There’s a risk she’ll sit at home, and wallow in her grief, and possibly that won’t help.
But you’re effectively punishing her for grieving, which is incredibly unhealthy.
But even if she does, it will not ruin her education or future. Would you prefer that she struggles at school to the point where she risks dropping out completely?
Have you discussed other options, such as going part-time?
Or spoken to the school about any extra support they can give, or if they can apply for mitigating circumstances/extra consideration around exams or coursework? Is there a therapist she could see to help her process her grief?
Please don’t punish her for grieving though.
It’s just asking for her to develop long-term unhealthy ways to deal with emotions and grief.” naynay2908
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Well, I do believe that is one of the biggest ‘Screw you, your feelings don’t matter, I don’t care what you need emotionally or mentally because I hold the purse strings’ I have ever seen.
Your daughter clearly at least felt that Jack was a friend. He was helping her with her coursework, which is not something most adults have the time or inclination to do. And now he’s dead.
I’m sorry, I need to repeat this, in case you haven’t let it sink in: He’s dead.
But you? You don’t care, do you? Not one little bit. Your daughter tells you she’s struggling with the coursework.******* up, buttercup. Try harder. Your daughter’s tutor, whom she was probably close to, passes away? No, of course not. That’s no reason at all to be upset, because you said so, right?
So dismissive. You are what I like to call ‘Cut off’ because as soon as she’s able, she won’t want anything to do with you. How callous to dangle those purse strings and tell your daughter that her emotional and mental well-being mean nothing to you.” LetThemEatHay
Another User Comments:
“I understand you are worried about her slipping but your reaction won’t help, like, at all. She is suffering and you are not helping. If you really want your daughter to have a good shot at this you need to make her feel she has you by her side and right now you are failing enormously at this.
That doesn’t mean you need to completely give in. Give her a time frame: she can drop a term but just a term and she needs to attend therapy to help her grieve. She needs to exercise and eat healthy during this time, this is not a period for getting crazy and partying, it is a time to take care of herself, to help her structure it in such a way.
Book some time to be with her that will help, maybe go for a daily walk with her and try listening and having a real conversation, try understanding instead of just telling her what she is supposed to do. She had Jack in her corner and she lost him.
Don’t make her believe she lost you too by taking out your support when she feels she is drowning. This is your baby, help her mourn, help her recover. Loving and supporting someone when they are at their best is not truly loving them. You need to love them and support them too when they are struggling and failing.
YTJ.” CIDEAL37
She's an adult and this is more significant to her than you realise. Support her with 1-2 semesters off, but on the condition she gets therapy to help her through it, and a job to help support herself.
Being given the time she needs to grieve, knowing you love and support her, as well as working retail or hospitality or whatever job (likely less $ and more physical than what she might have after finishing her studies) will all help her to successfully return to and complete her studies.
Otherwise you're a controlling jerk who cares more about himself and appearances than your daughter.
