People Ponder Who's At Fault In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

“My 7-year-old son was having a birthday party the previous weekend and a number of his friends and schoolmates around his age came over, along with their parents.

I have a male mastiff mix for context. I know people always love to exaggerate and say their dog is so loving regardless of whatever their dog’s true personality is. My dog is friendly towards my family and people he’s familiar with.

But he’s very aloof towards strangers. He doesn’t bark toward strangers but will have a low growl if he’s patted/touched without the proper introduction.

So anyway for the party, I decided the best solution was to have him kept upstairs on the 2nd/3rd floor, with a dog gate installed at the stairs.

The party will be confined to the first floor and the garden.

Halfway through the party, my son and his 2 friends wanted to go upstairs to see my dog. These 2 friends have come over to my house frequently and 3 of them have spent unsupervised time around my dog without any incidents for the past 2 years.

They are very aware of the rules and boundaries I’ve set. They can go play fetch and stuff with him but they are never to play with his tail or face or try to sit on him.

Another boy (let’s call him B) and his mum apparently heard that my dog was upstairs and wanted to head up too.

I said nope, sorry, my dog doesn’t play too well with people he doesn’t know and I can’t be around upstairs all the time. B’s mum insisted that it will be fine and her son loves playing with dogs etc. I cut her off and said nah another time, and directed them both toward the other toys/party stuff going on.

Less than 5 minutes later, I heard some barking and some screaming from upstairs. I run up to see B crying and his mum yelling at my dog and me. All sorts of accusations were hurled at me, including having a rabid dog, and an untrained dog and she said she was going to ensure my dog was put down.

I tried to ask the other kids (my son and his friends) what happened. So, it turns out that B and his mother came up on their own and while my dog was lying in one corner, he decided to go over and start pulling his tail, even though the other kids told him not to.

His mother waved them off and allowed B to continue. That resulted in my dog getting up, and barking at them as well as growling. I checked B for any injuries and found none. My CCTV recording showed exactly what my son and his friends had described and there was no contact between my dog and the boy at any point.

B’s mum brought him to the doctor anyway for a full checkup (no injuries found) and wanted me to compensate for that along with apologizing for the incident. I said no, and she would be lucky if I didn’t pursue anything about trespassing into my house’s upper floors.

So AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“As a person who has owned numerous dogs of a breed with a bad reputation, I cannot suggest strongly enough that, in future events, you ensure there’s a physical barrier more effective than a dog gate.

Such as a door that can be securely latched at the top of the door. For some odd reason, some people consider themselves to be dog whisperers, yet want to blame the owner when the dog reacts exactly as the owner said it would, and dog breeds with aggressive reputations often are immediately blamed for any incident even if the human acted in a way they were explicitly told not to.

Hence the latch being at the top of the door – a person (adult) has to willfully ignore instructions in order to access said dog.

You’re NTJ. Mom was the jerk for trespassing in your home and ignoring your instructions regarding your dog.

Would this have happened if your son and other kids had been kept away from your dog as well? Maybe, but less likely. Don’t ever invite Mom back to your home – if she’s so bold as to snoop in an area she was told to avoid, she’ll disrespect your privacy and belongings in any way she sees fit.” Annasittonrogers

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here, you had your guests over for a birthday party, then allowed some of the guests to have access to part of your house that others weren’t allowed in. You should have just said no to your kid and his friends who wanted to see the dog, any other time except during a party is fine to visit, but not then.

It’s rude to abandon guests when they come to a party for you, which is what you allowed your son to do. The other kid wouldn’t have felt excluded and tried to follow if you wouldn’t have allowed the party to split up and exclude him.

But that kid and his mom were wrong to not follow your rules, even though you didn’t handle the situation well.” ppl_n_r_neighborhood

Another User Comments:

“Absolutely NTJ. Any time a bully breed gets accused of aggression I prepare for the worst, because it is so, so easy for some stupid or vindictive person to get the poor thing put down.

But you took every precaution not to have your dog in that sort of position, and this chick still went ahead to bother your puppy?

If she knew a single thing about dogs or cared beyond like, ‘oh my baby is crying what a terrible dog’, she’d know his growling is the polite way of telling the kid to knock it off, with the impolite way being snapping.

Legally, don’t pay for anything, don’t even apologize. Any admission of wrongdoing, or perceived admission, can be used to escalate and possibly end with the passing of your pup. Honestly just don’t speak to her ever again. LOL. And make sure you save that footage.

Take note of the name of the doctor she visited if you can, who reported no injury to the child.” Azuilll

“I (F14) am autistic. I have a hard time understanding tone and I struggle to effectively communicate with allistic people.

This story started a couple of days ago in my fifth-period class. We were studying momentum and velocity if I’m remembering correctly. The teacher had just handed back our tests and I got 38/50 points. The girl sitting behind me says, ‘Nice work OP!’ and she started laughing when she turned back to her friends.

So I asked her if she was being sarcastic or if she was actually congratulating me. She didn’t reply and she and her friends just erupted in laughter instead. I told her I was serious and I was asking her a question which only made them laugh even more.

I finally snapped and yelled, ‘I’m autistic okay?! Just tell me if you’re serious or not!’

The girl stared at me in shock and her friends started laughing again, I’m assuming at her. A group of kids from a table nearby realized what was going on so they started yelling at the girl.

They kept telling her it wasn’t okay to make fun of anyone let alone the autistic kid.

The teacher, who had just realized there were screaming children in her classroom, gave the girl and the kids from the other table detention for being disruptive.

The girl got angry at the teacher and asked her why I wasn’t getting detention too. She said that I was the victim in this situation and I only yelled because I was taunted.

After that class, the girl followed me halfway to my sixth period before grabbing me by my backpack loop and pulling me into the girl’s bathroom.

She started going off on me about how I was an awful person and that I was a jerk for getting her detention. I asked her what she was talking about and how was it my fault that she was mean to me.

She said the only reason I didn’t get detention was that I ‘weaponized my autism’. She told me that I only mentioned I was autistic so I could misbehave without punishment and that I’m a massive jerk for that.

So, am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

She is the one who behaved poorly and earned her detention. I don’t believe you weaponized your autism in this situation. I think you were saying the reason you were asking the question.

Most people have a hard time understanding autism, as I am sure you are well aware of, and sadly, that lack of understanding results in a lack of caring.

From your description, this classmate seems like a bully who is used to getting what she wants.

The bathroom scenario goes well beyond teasing. It may be embarrassing, but making a scene at the start of that situation would, in my opinion, be a good idea. And I would also suggest reporting that behavior in the future.

No one should ever feel physically attacked.

I hope that as the year progresses your classmates learn to appreciate you and leave their bullying ways.” Rinault

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You didn’t weaponize anything. You were being bullied and your bully got in trouble and now she’s mad about it.

You do really need to report her pulling you into the bathroom like that. She needs to know she can’t get away with treating you this way, and you need to know that you don’t deserve to have people treat you this way.

By the way, this 40-year-old autistic woman would like to tell you that life gets a lot easier and there are fewer jerks as you get older. Middle School and high school were not my favorite times, but not all of life stays like that.” AdelleDeWitt

Another User Comments:

“10000% NTJ

I’m so, so sorry that the girl behind you did what she did. You are not wrong in even the slightest way possible, the only one who had provoked any kind of situation was her.

Yelling back in retaliation is not something that makes you wrong, you were just defending yourself from someone who was being mean. When she says anything about you being wrong or misbehaving, she’s completely wrong and is in denial of her own wrongdoings so she just makes something up out of thin air.

Don’t worry, everything is alright, and you weren’t wrong at all.” Aquarsene

“I (29m) and my wife recently had a baby boy. It was an easy pregnancy and he is now 2 weeks old. Since my son was born my sister (32f) has been very controlling towards us regarding how we parent. She’s been around every day since we got discharged from the hospital. I and my wife are clearly not in the mood for her, at first it was helpful but now it’s getting annoying.

A few days ago once again she came around. While my wife was feeding the baby my sister looked around for the formula we were using. We use cow & gate. She started berating my wife for using such an expensive brand.

My wife was clearly going to cry if she didn’t shut up. I may have overreacted a bit and told her to get out of my house. She started apologizing but I didn’t want her in my house.

I kicked her out cause my wife is still healing from her c-section and I don’t think she needs someone yelling at her in front of our son.

So AITJ?

Edit: She is unable to have children.”

Another User Comments:

“You are NTJ and you did the right thing by drawing a line and minimizing your spouse’s post-birth stress. Baby’s mum does not need that extra stress. The longer your sister is around, she is going to put unneeded stress on you both.

It won’t stop at how you both bring up baby. What will it be next? Her butting in over how you discipline your child or what school you enroll your kid in 5 years from now? Or 10 years from now she criticizes you both over the child’s after-school activities?

Or 17 years from now she berates you and your spouse over the kid’s choice of college/university and major? This is not okay coming from your sister

She needs to back off and stop trying to police you over how to raise a child.

Well done, papa OP! And congrats on being new parents.” KangarooOk2190

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your sister is way overstepping boundaries and has no right to tell you what to do as parents. Your wife is also recovering from birth and needs all the support and kindness she can get.

Well done to you for sticking up for her and yourselves as parents!

If your sister wants to visit again, make it clear that there are boundaries and lines that are not to be crossed. This is not her child and she is not the parent.

She may be trying to project her want of motherhood onto your child, but that is not your issue to deal with but hers.” Various-Bridge-325

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Good on you for being a rock-star husband! Your priority is the health (including EMOTIONAL) of your wife and baby.

Family wants to come into YOUR house and start being bossy and giving orders to a woman who had a baby TWO WEEKS AGO?! Sis can get outta there now! Your wife is tired, and physically drained and her emotions are all sorts of crazy not only from being tired and creating a new human, but her hormones are worse than being a teen starting puberty, they are all over the map and they make us all sorts of crazy and keep us from thinking clearly.

That’s why you are there! To help her and you are doing GREAT! Set boundaries with sis and keep them strong. Keep on being a great husband and dad. You got this dude! Pappa bear it up! No shame in protecting and shielding your wife from sister’s VERBAL ABUSE.” SageGreen98

“For many years, my partner’s parents have had us over for brunch, lunch, or dinner. They have a nice deck with an outdoor table and chairs and use it to eat or hang out.

Thing is, it has to be freezing temperature before they will concede and eat in the dining room. I’ve had to sit on that deck many times trying to eat my food while I”m shivering, even though I’m wearing layers.

Last week, we went over there for brunch mid-morning. The outdoor table was set with plates, etc. I had my layers on again, but I was cold. When we were outside, I noticed the thermometer read about 45F. The food got cold quickly, and I decided I had enough.

I told them as nicely as I could that I was too cold. The mom turned to the dad and asked, ‘Well, should we pack it in?’ The dad, scooping food into his mouth, said, ‘Nah, it’s not too bad out here,’ and kept on eating.

Nothing more was said, not even from my partner. Everyone kept eating. So I apologized sincerely that I needed to eat inside, gathered my plate, napkin, silverware, and glass, and went into the dining room. I finished eating before they were done, and since I was warmed up I went back to the deck while they chewed the cud and finished up.

I could feel the tension and no one talked to me. After we left, my partner berated me in the car for being rude.

I agree it’s not the best thing to do, but I had put up with this for a long time out of politeness and I think their behavior is nutty.

Sure, after years of this, I should know better than to go over there with my partner if it’s a cold day. I do it to be a good partner and ‘daughter-in-law.'”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, they should learn to be decent hosts, which they obviously fail at.

If they were considerate at all, they should have helped you, seen if anyone wanted to join you and of course, if they were more comfortable outside, welcomed you without issue. You were a GUEST, they obviously don’t know how to treat people.

I get you probably love the dude or whatever, but I’d seriously reconsider my relationship if your partner wouldn’t join you (I’d let it slide) except for the fact that he berated you. They aren’t your folks, you didn’t grow up in that house, and you’re not conditioned the way they are.

What jerks!” Ghic_Chic

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. There’s no point in hosting if you are blind to the comforts of your guests.

Your partner’s mom should have picked up on this and been gracious enough to find a solution.

Like maybe going inside with you to get some one-on-one with the woman whose life has intertwined with her son’s.

Basic read and I could be off base, but if your partner’s mom wouldn’t (couldn’t?) even in that small way stick up for you, and he berated you for basically wanting not to be miserable, maybe his dad isn’t the best role model for who you want to spend the rest of your life with.

You aren’t the ‘pretty little woman’ meant to be seen and not heard. We haven’t been there in a long time and never should have been.

Berating a partner for sticking it out as long as they could and then politely bowing out is not OK.

Pay close attention to how they treat you here and don’t be afraid to make some hard decisions.

Good luck, internet friend.” Reeyowunsixsix

Another User Comments:

“Holy cow, you are NTJ. I think it’s ridiculous that they expect their guests to abide by their strange tradition of eating out in the cold.

You were completely respectful with the way you handled it and the fact that you even went back out there to chat and they were still upset with you is an absolute joke. You are right, they are nutty, and if you’re going to be berated for not eating out in the cold, then you deserve a lot better and need to get out of this relationship.

You would be a jerk to yourself if you put up with this for any longer.” mpaiva97

“I (f21) was recently invited to a birthday party for my niece (f11). She’s the daughter of my sister, Ellie (f30).

Ellie’s always been your ‘health nut’ type of person, and for the last 3 months, she’s been sticking to an ‘all-natural carnivore’ diet.

She only eats unseasoned meat, eggs, or butter and anything else is unacceptable. More power to her because honestly, I could never do something like that.

For my niece’s birthday party, Ellie did a barbecue in their backyard. She made it very clear on the invites that all the food will be meat-based and even seemed to brag about it.

I’ve been a vegetarian since I was 12, and I’ve been a vegan for 2 years. I’m also kind of a picky eater, which I know can be annoying, it’s why I never eat out.

I messaged Ellie and told her I’ll bring my own food to the party.

Ellie got super offended and said that bringing your own food to a party is rude and told me I can go without food for a few hours. At this point, I’m pretty sure Ellie is just trying to be annoying because she knows I’m vegan.

I told her if she’s so dead set on me not bringing my own food to eat then I just won’t go.

Ellie told me I’m being petty and to just******* up, and that it was my niece’s party and she doesn’t need me ‘pushing my agenda’.

I called her ridiculous and told her if my eating my own lunch at a party upsets her so much she needs to evaluate her priorities. Ellie told me to go screw myself and said I’m just being sensitive.

I was so mad and ended up not going to my niece’s birthday party because it was clear that Ellie didn’t want me there and I didn’t want to cause drama in front of the kids.

Ellie is now mad at me for not going and said that I really upset my niece and that I’m a terrible aunt. I feel like I can’t win in this situation but I’m wondering if I was being a jerk and I just can’t see it.”

Another User Comments:

“Like you said, you were screwed either way. Calling and screaming at her for not providing you with a special dish to eat at your niece’s party would have made you a jerk. This does not. You were happy to make adjustments so you could go.

What does she care if you eat your own food? She was picking a fight just to pick a fight. I guarantee your niece isn’t that upset you didn’t go, and that multiple people at that bbq were complaining about the menu.

Could you imagine the fallout if someone threw a bbq for a kid’s party and only served vegan foods? People would be complaining for days. On top of that, your sister yelled at you and told you to go screw yourself.

She brought this on herself. NTJ.” CatmoCatmo

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. If the tables were turned she would not have been okay with only vegan food for lunch. The host should at least make/buy something for everyone to eat.

Or ask the person to bring something when the diet is very strict and the host is afraid of doing it wrong and causing harm to the person with a diet. You even offered to bring your own food so your sister did not even have to buy something.

It is called being a bad host when you make sure someone really is not able to enjoy or even come to the party. Saying you can go without food (while everyone else is eating) is just terrible.

Besides the meat diet does not sound healthy at all.

How can she only give this to her child and eat it herself? A body needs veggies and fruit. I hope her child is alright but I am a bit worried about the problems so much meat causes to a little child.” Pollythepony1993

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Your sister sounds like she has an eating disorder. (Orthorexia – an unhealthy focus on eating in a healthy way)

That aside, hosting isn’t an opportunity to treat people like hostages – dietary choices, allergies, and intolerances should be respected. Saying you have to eat what she cooks or you’re rude is nonsense.

Saying you just shouldn’t eat while everyone else does is being a bad host.

You following your own diet isn’t ‘pushing an agenda’ – framing your diet this way is frankly disrespectful. (As well as being a hypocrite, since she’s trying to force you to eat meat.) she called you sensitive, but she can’t handle someone else having different dietary requirements.

Your sister is being really controlling about food, and I’m concerned for her 11-year-old daughter.” Kettlewise

“My (43F) daughter (13F), Joana, attends our local middle school where she has a (new) friend (13F) who recently moved to the district, Jocelene.

Recently, Joana said to me, that—during lunch—when questioned by another friend as to why her father couldn’t drive her (Jocelene) to an event, Jocelene replied, ‘my dad doesn’t live with my mom and me.’

Well, recently, after Joana walked through the door, she told me that she asked Jocelene why she ‘didn’t have a dad’, to which Jocelene replied, ‘he lives in China due to my parent’s divorce.’ Then, Joana asked, ‘why did he dump your family instead of living near you?’

According to Joana, Jocelene didn’t seem to mind the question, though I’m still not proud of her wording or her (private) question, as she’s only known Jocelene for what seems like a week or two, and—due to such—I gave her a stern lecture and told her to try to be more respectful of someone else’s family-life, as some people may not be as open to telling her as Jocelene was, and that they could even feel insulted by her invasiveness.

Well, Joana essentially told me that I was being a jerk and that Jocelene didn’t even seem to care about her question(s), so—therefore—I was just ‘being unfair/mean’.

While I understand that she was likely just annoyed with me, I still feel that her thoughts are worth a minute’s consideration, and so I may as well ask for someone else’s insight on the matter.

So, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here. 13-year-olds make friends fast… And it’s a genuine question… Why did the dad move to another country abandoning his child? For all you know, Jocelene may have actually liked the question because it’s a question she herself really wants the answer to… And to hear it from someone else the same age as her… Validated her feelings.

Who knows.

I don’t think you did anything wrong by speaking to her about how such a line of questioning could be interpreted poorly… In fact, it was great that you did… But maybe a discussion was in order rather than a stern one-way lecture, especially if the outcome you were looking for was tactfulness and empathy.” amish__

Another User Comments:

“NTJ if you just explained that that may not be acceptable in some cases. I don’t think it calls for punishment since her new friend took it okay, but it doesn’t sound like you did punish her, so NTJ.

And her being 13, her reaction might be from embarrassment as much as anything else. It can be hard to be genuine about having been wrong at that age. I wouldn’t push this anymore unless she does something like this again.” RoanDragonKing

Another User Comments:

“Soft ‘no jerks here’.

Your daughter lacks tact… but she’s also like 13 so it’s very on-brand of her to be rude without realizing it and to rebuff your attempts to help her practice empathy. That doesn’t make her a bad person; that just makes her a typical teenager.

Likewise, you’re not being mean or unfair; you’re just being a typical parent, caught off-guard by how your teen can without realizing it be insensitive.

You weren’t wrong for your approach at all either, and it was quite generous of you to even take your daughter at her word that Jocelene wasn’t affected by the questioning.

My advice would be (if you do talk again to her later) to ask her to think of your suggestion more broadly because not everyone is going to react like Jocelene (again, taking her at her word) and be chill and unaffected by such an abrupt choice of words – and ask her what she’s going to do if someone meets her questions with criticism (framing tact to her as something she can use to protect herself instead of as a form of self-policing) or point out how what she’s saying is making them feel poorly about themselves.” addisonavenue

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You are just teaching your daughter manners, something a lot of 13-year-old children lack. You were not unfair/mean calling her out on her tactless behavior, you were being a mom and giving her a learning moment.

Your daughter just didn’t like being corrected, because she’s 13 and most likely thinks she knows more than she actually does.” Opening-Ad7491

“I (25F) have been looking after my mum (52F) and my oldest sister (35F) since I was 14 years old.

My oldest sister has always been reckless with money, and has no goals in life, I know she has past trauma but I honestly just don’t care.

Since I was 14, I have been working, giving all my money to my mum to support the household as she’s physically unable to work and my oldest sister loses every job she gets, she always seems to lose her job after a month or so because she turns up late all the time or just doesn’t go in.

My mum and she are always arguing as she comes home wasted (my mum is a Muslim and doesn’t drink) and she leaves bottles all over the place, near my mum’s praying spaces, etc. She’s always yelling about how hard her life is and that she’s a victim and she’s always helping us and we take advantage of her kindness (she’s taken my mum to maybe 10 hospital appointments in the last 20 years).

She cries that she’s depressed and we are stressing her out when we try to question her behavior and get her help.

I’ve had to be the breadwinner and worked throughout school and worked full time whilst studying for a full-time degree as well, without me, she wouldn’t even have a roof over her head, I have been paying for all the bills since I was a child.

She’s never thanked me, she’s never shown any gratitude that I’ve had to deal with every single financial issue in this house. I am now in a position where I can afford to move out into my own place and I’m leaving next month.

We currently live in government-supported housing and I’ve arranged for my mum to move into a one-bedroom flat and I’ve told my sister she has one month to move out as mum’s new place is only a one-bedroom and the local council won’t let her live there as it’ll be overcrowded. I have refused to tell her the new address and told her if she moves in with mum, I will report her for overcrowding the flat.

Since then she’s been telling all of our extended family that I’m making her homeless, kicking her out in the street, and that I’m the jerk. My family is now blowing up my phone telling me that I’m a bad person and I simply do not care, I have no sympathy for her and if she ends up on the streets, I truly do not care.

AITJ here?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your sister has gone long enough in her adult life to know that bills have to be paid. She’s gotten used to being a mooch and getting her way. Tell your family that if they’re so worried about her well-being and they don’t want her to be homeless then they can support her and let her move in with them but you’re done.

It’s admirable that you’re taking care of your mom and that you found a place for her. Make sure your mom understands that the apartment is for her and that if she lets anyone move in with her then you won’t pay for it.

That will be the next attempt to circumvent your decision. Your mom will fall for the guilt trip and your sister will be there before you can sneeze.” Kooky-Hotel-5632

Another User Comments:

“You are doing the exact right thing. You have spent your teenage years and adult years looking after both of them.

Although mum struggles it sounds like she understands the situation.

I’m sorry but your sister has been an adult for much longer than you but has done nothing but let you for 10 years act as her carer and keeper, and that can’t continue.

You should have been able to enjoy your young adult years and enjoy uni rather than attempt to balance education and full-time work.

Your sister has had plenty of opportunities to address the issues she has, and you have tried to help but no longer.

She has to stand on her own, get help for her issues and find a way to function or don’t that’s her choice.

I don’t mean to be horrible, however, if you have issues, but make no attempt to change or get help, you can’t play the victim card as after a certain point it’s not about the trauma that is having a negative impact but her own choices.

That doesn’t take away how hard it is to do, but so many people try day in and day out and find a way forward to some degree.

You have done the right thing for your mum, ensuring she has an appropriate place to live, as you are moving out, your sister is an adult and as such responsible for herself, she can do housing independently to say she is homeless and they will decide what support they can provide.

It’s good you have boundaries with your sister about mum’s living conditions and I’m sure you will follow through. I’m guessing that you are not able to withhold your mother’s new address from your sister.

As to the family who is being so negative about your action, given that they know the situation, they have absolutely no right to talk when they knew what you have been dealing with and it appears that they haven’t really helped even when you were a child.

At the end of the day, they allowed a child to take on the adult responsibilities that no child should have to do.

They should keep their mouths shut and if they are so concerned about your sister they can help her, provide accommodation, and see what she is like to try and support her.

So you are definitely NTJ, you are a strong and amazing person that shows just by what you have achieved just to get to this point, through your actions alone.

Know you are doing what is best for you and your mum and keep doing.” Possible_Laugh_9139

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

At a certain point, you can’t keep enabling this behavior from your older sister because one day your mom will be gone and she will be looking for you to support her. You deserve to have your own life and spend your own money on what you want.

It’s not your responsibility to support a grown adult. It’s best to do it now than later, your mom can have some peace and your sister hopefully can learn to be independent and stable. Let the rest of your family be mad because they aren’t lifting a finger to help this situation.” Silent_Syd241

“My fiancé and I went through a serious health scare where we weren’t sure that I was going to make it down the aisle. When my doctor gave me a clean bill of health, we immediately began planning for our wedding.

Because the wedding almost didn’t happen, one thing that really mattered to my fiancé and me was that we really got to experience the ‘magic’ of the wedding we almost didn’t have. One of those moments was a first look where my fiancé expressed that he really wanted to be surprised by my dress and have a moment to take it all in just the two of us (he said he’s always wanted to see me as a bride).

We made this very clear to everyone who went wedding shopping with me, and they all knew the reason why. I was super concerned about my MIL specifically because she had already previously forwarded inspirational images of my dress to my fiancé that I had sent to my bridal party for reference.

My fiancé was upset, they had a talk, and everything seemed ok.

Because my MIL said she did it from ‘being too excited’ and it didn’t seem malicious, I decided to extend an invite to the actual dress shopping with one rule: she had to give her phone to my maid of honor.

She agreed, but the day of, my mother saw that she took my SIL’s phone and sneakily took photos.

I told her to stop, and she got defensive, and we ended up fighting to the point where I asked MIL and SIL to leave.

I felt like they betrayed my trust and ruined what was supposed to be a special moment. My fiancé is on my side, but the rest of his family thinks I was being too dramatic over ‘one photo’. I think it’s bigger than just the photo and has to do with my trust, but now the two sides are split.

Was I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

The reason doesn’t really matter, if you don’t want someone taking a photo of you they have to respect that. Wedding dress or pajamas…

MIL already showed you can’t trust her so the request of handing in her phone was reasonable.

That your SIL helped your MIL sneak pictures of you is trashy behavior and your reaction was totally appropriate. That they refuse to see that it’s not about ‘one photo’ but that they care about your wishes or trust… and honestly, what person takes pictures of someone after being explicitly asked not to?

Where’s the respect for you and your feelings? They sound entitled, ignorant, and selfish.” Crazyandiloveit

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your reasons for kicking them out of the shopping are very good. But you could take away your health history, and the whole first look part of it, and still be good.

The ‘no photos’ rule alone, for whatever reason, or even no reason at all, is more than enough.

They broke the rule. They experienced consequences.

You are absolutely correct that this is more than just ‘one photo’. It is about your trust. It’s also about more than that.

It’s about a lack of respect for you and your fiancé, you know FMIL’s son.

It is fabulous to hear that your fiancé is supporting you in this. Hopefully, he is taking the lead in shutting down his family. Here are some thoughts on points for him to consider in doing so.

FMIL may be excited about the wedding. But her excitement is not more important than the excitement of both of you. It is your wedding, not hers. It ok for her to be excited. But it has to be excitement that supports your excitement and amps it up.

Not excitement that damps down yours.

What she’s tried multiple times now is actually stealing from you. Both of you. She is trying to steal that moment when your fiancé sees you in your wedding dress from you. But she is also stealing that moment from her own son.

(Emphasize that part with his family to no end.)

Further, it does not matter if what she is trying to share is a picture of you in The Dress or even just The Dress. Anything dress-related that she shares with her son is stealing that moment from him.

Maybe not all at once, but bit by bit.

Now, she might say she wasn’t going to share the photo with him. That’s nice. Then why was she trying to take the photo, then? Oh, for her memories… Which… Well, there’s a solution that could have fulfilled her desire for capturing the moment while still honoring your request. She could have asked for you to have someone like your MOH or your mom take some photos with their phone and save them to share after the wedding.

And that’s without even getting into her previous overstep and the lack of good judgment demonstrated there.

That she deliberately took action that she knew was against what you and your fiancé want says she does not care about either you or her son.

She only cares about her own self-satisfaction.

At this point, FMIL has a choice. On the one hand, she can admit that what she’s been trying to do is wrong and learn to respect your boundaries and expectations. Which will allow her to continue being made privy to details of the wedding.

On the other hand, she can continue her current path. Which will undoubtedly result in her learning everything on your wedding day, just like any other guest.

As for her supporters, well frankly this is neither their circus nor their monkeys (though they’re trying to be flying monkeys for FMIL), so they can leave well enough alone…

Because on the gripping hand, it is you and your fiancé’s wedding and you have the right to protect it from any of them ruining it before it even happens.” hard_tyrant_dinosaur

Another User Comments:

“NTJ for kicking her out.

You stated boundaries and they overstepped.

Also, a piece of free advice. Don’t get so wrapped up in creating special moments and making everything perfect that you forget to enjoy the experiences. Things will go wrong and that’s life but it will still be perfect.

But don’t forget to have fun and enjoy planning and the whole experience.

Plus it’s your wedding your rules. Do not let others try to guilt and manipulate you into doing things you don’t want to.” evillittleperson

“I (20F) have a freshman friend (19F) who is first generation and low income. Our school is majority wealthy.

She told me recently she’s worried that since the other 4 girls in her suite are all either upper middle class or in the 1%, she’ll be left behind by them.

I said the feeling makes sense, but in reality, the farther her friends are from her background the better it is for her.

Lots of first-generation low-income (FGLI) kids self-segregate and only befriend each other. They go to all the parties, lunches, and hangouts by the FGLI student organization and never make friends with people more wealthy and connected than them, which is one of the main points of college.

I can’t think of a worse thing you can do for upward mobility as a first gen low-income kid than deliberately befriending mostly people of your background.

I’m not FGLI, but I would’ve loved to be in her position as a freshman, being assigned a bunch of wealthy roommates.

However, she became upset by my statement and said I’m not understanding and she won’t fit in.”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

You indeed do not understand the struggle, how hard it is to follow her friends on nights out/weekends/breaks.

You also don’t understand that it’s not self-segregation but the ability to participate in extracurricular activities. It looks like you have no idea what her reality is like but you also seem to have a lot of strong opinions about social mobility.” napoleonthegreatest

Another User Comments:

“Oh yikes. I was FGLI and had an on-campus apartment with three middle-class gals. We went grocery shopping and they were like ‘let’s just share everything and split it evenly’ – my share was $125 dollars. Had to spend my graduation gift. I was almost hyperventilating in the store because they kept putting things like expensive organic snacks, dozens of $4 drinks, etc. in the cart.

I’d never shopped like that ever in my life, I’d never tried/didn’t intend to try the pricy stuff they were getting, I only had about $30 worth of items I’d actually chosen in the cart. I paid so they wouldn’t judge me, and cried to my mom later.

She was horrified I’d spent the gift she’d scrimped and saved to give me on other people’s groceries.

I told them I definitely couldn’t do that again and they were bummed. They said they didn’t think it was that much, and asked if I really just ate the cheapest stuff at home, and were visibly surprised and uncomfy when I said yes, like they didn’t know what they should say to me.

It was humiliating.

I’m not in contact with any of them now. I liked them all and hoped to room with one again, but they all picked other living situations, I don’t think they saw me as a friend.

It was sad!

YTJ, you really have no idea what it’s like. The income split in this country makes even lower/middle class radically different worlds.” Time_Neat_4732

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. First of all, your friend was confiding in you that she is struggling and not comfortable with her roommates.

Instead of lending a sympathetic ear, you lectured her. As for your assertion that it’s good that she has wealthy roommates, you are wrong. Being forced to cohabitate with people you have nothing in common with does not mean that you’re going to be elevated. Even if they accept her, it’s unlikely that she will be able to socialize with them in any meaningful way as she doesn’t have the money to do so.

She won’t really understand or relate to them. It’s more likely that you will be a pariah in your own home.” disappointedvet

“I’m going on a ski trip in a few weeks with my friends.

My friend, Dante, is providing free accommodation for our entire group.

Dante’s SO, Grace, asked to come on the trip too when she heard about it. We didn’t know her well when she originally asked and since Dante wanted her there everybody said it was fine.

However, Grace makes me uncomfortable.

I’ve been friends with Dante since we were both babies so we’re close. Nothing romantic has ever happened between us but Grace has started asking me some weird and inappropriate questions recently. She’s asked me things like if I find him attractive and if I would go out with him if he gave me the time of day.

She also told me I definitely wasn’t his type even though I never asked.

I don’t want her on the trip so I asked Dante not to bring her. I told him she made me uncomfortable and he said he would need to think about it.

I guess he told her she couldn’t come and why because she’s angry at me and thinks I’m doing this to cause issues in their relationship. She thinks I shouldn’t go if I’m so uncomfortable around her instead of forcing him to uninvite her.

Our group is divided so AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

He’s the one providing accommodation so he should be able to bring his partner along. You had the option not to go, if you were uncomfortable with the people he invited you could have chosen not to go.

Also with multiple people on the trip, you could avoid interacting with her too much.

I don’t even know if her behavior is all that objectionable either.

‘She’s asked me things like if I find him attractive and if I would go out with him if he gave me the time of day.

She also told me I definitely wasn’t his type even though I never asked.’

Grace isn’t necessarily asking or saying anything weird, at least not for a new-ish significant other. She’s very obviously insecure about your and Dante’s relationship and/or trying to work out what the boundaries of your relationship are.

There’s not enough information to tell if that’s because you’re doing something to make Grace think you’re interested, OR if Dante is doing something to make her think he’s interested in you, OR if she’s just insecure.

‘I don’t want her on the trip so I asked Dante to not bring her (because she’s made me uncomfortable with these questions).’

However, the fact that you asked him to leave his SO behind because she was worried about your relationship with Dante (and that he agreed to do it) suggests that your relationship is probably veering into the uncomfortably close territory.

I’ve had my friend’s partners ask me these questions before and I don’t think they’ve ever made me properly uncomfortable, and certainly not to the point I’d ask my friend to ban their partner from a trip my friend was paying for.

Did it occur to you that this trip could have been a chance to reassure her and let her see there’s nothing between you and Dante? That asking him to uninvite her would actually lead to her thinking her worst insecurities are true?

Did you think Dante would lie to her about the reason she was uninvited?

You caused a pick me or her situation and I think he picked you. That alone would suggest Grace isn’t being the ‘crazy jealous’ SO.” whatisthismuppetry

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

She’s insecure that he would prefer your company to hers, this could be based on something he’s done or said or be completely unfounded, we don’t know, and neither do you.

You took this dilemma and decided to ask a man, friend or not, to uninvite his SO instead of deciding to uninvite yourself.

Whether you meant to or not, you asked him to choose between you and his SO.

He confirmed her suspicions by choosing you.” queenCANTread

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. I mean, you are not the only one, but I think it’s important to be clear that, in this particular case, you are the instigating jerk.

If you do not like your friend’s SO, then you should not go on this trip. If your friend, on reflection, does not like his SO, he should break up with her. If your friend’s SO does not like the way your friend treats her (a feeling that would be very understandable in this situation), she should dump him.

I understand why Grace is angry at you. Asking her SO to uninvite her was a trashy thing for you to do.

I understand why you don’t want to spend time with Grace, but you do not control other people’s invitation lists.

I’d have said you were in the clear if you’d told your friend that you aren’t comfortable with Grace, so you were gonna pass this trip, but that’s not what you did.” eaca02124

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here. You all should be adults and address the actual issue between you and Grace.

Your insisting Dante uninvites her makes it look more and more like you’re trying to put a wedge between them, even if you’re not. Dante should never have listened to you. Instead, you and Grace should have sat down and had a conversation.

You know you could have explained the situation and been mature. You could have even ignored her or said things to establish boundaries like ‘What an odd thing to say out loud’ when she questions your relationship. I mean, she doesn’t get out here Scot-free either because she clearly has a jealous streak if not more but you’re not doing a very good job of proving you’re not playing the long game with her SO.

My suggestion is you do have that sit-down with her. Clear the air. Tell Dante he can come too because honestly, OP, this is now going to be more of a problem if you don’t.” evie_xoxoxo

“My wife (f27) and I (f26) had our baby a couple of weeks ago. She came a little bit early and my recovery was harder than expected so we decided to wait before letting people come over.

My dad (M57) said that he wanted to see the baby so we agreed to facetime.

My stepmom (f33) invited herself on the call which annoyed my wife and me but we didn’t have the energy to argue. Stepmom made a comment that I should sort out a will just in case my cancer from when I was little came back, which threw me a bit because it was their first time meeting the baby and she was just talking about me.

I said that my wife and I both keep on top of all the legal stuff and I asked if they had a plan.

Dad then said that should stepmom die first, everything would go to him, then split between me, my nearly two-year-old half-brother, and any future children (my other siblings are on my mum and stepdad’s side) and left it at that.

Then I pointed out that dad is significantly older than stepmom and he went silent. Stepmom explained that all of dad’s stuff and insurance would go to her and, when she dies, to her children. I asked if I was included in any of that and she told me to stop being spoiled.

I should note that this isn’t some huge aristocratic fortune but they’re upper middle class and can afford a lot more than anyone else in my family. My wife and I are also solidly middle class so we do alright financially.

Then I asked if I could at least have the mountain bike. Dad used to spend thousands on bicycles and there’s one we used to work on together when I spent weekends there, especially as a teenager. We even made attachments so that I could ride it with my accessibility needs.

Dad told me that he sold it on eBay to make more room when stepmom moved in.

Here’s where I feel like I could have been acting out of order. I said that it wasn’t fair that his new family got everything when we still had a relationship.

He said that stepmom’s a stay-at-home mum and they’re trying for another baby, while I’m planning to go back to work after maternity leave so she could do with everything. I said that I’m impressed he’s found a way to continue his streak of avoiding child support into his death and hung up.

Now I’m feeling like I was unfair, as it’s his money and stuff and he gets to decide what to do with it.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. He’s allowed to spend his money how he wishes, and you are allowed to any feelings you have about how he chooses to do so.

And if you don’t feel like having a relationship with a man who only considers practicality and won’t lift so much as a finger for sentimentality (like, you know, making sure all his kids get something to remember him by), you have every right to make the rational choice of not maintaining a relationship with him.

Don’t spend energy on people who won’t reciprocate at all.” SquirrelShiny

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – and I think you spoke eloquently to point out his irresponsibility as a parent. He also shouldn’t be producing more children at his age – the older a person the more likely for birth/genetic defects (male or female).

The stepmom is also at a good age to pick up some degrees or part-time work to prepare for the worst, it’s very likely she’s going to need to take care of herself at some point and will need life skills to do that.

She shouldn’t expect her kid(s) to be her retirement plan and she’s probably going to use up all the inheritance long before her own passing.” User

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, your dad deserved to hear it. It’s not about the money, it’s about the fact that he’s telling you he will leave you without an inheritance in favor of leaving it to his new family and he essentially doesn’t care about you or your children enough to carve out something (anything) for you.

That said, don’t stress about the money/inheritance, and just be grateful that you’re not like your step-mom – an unemployed woman dependent on birthing children for a man old enough to be her father as her means of securing financial security.

Honestly, that’s what I would have said if I were you, ‘well, true… since we can make our own money and you’re dependent on daddy it makes sense for you to inherit because once he’s gone you’d have no way to support yourself.

I hope it lasts long enough for your kids to grow up and be able to take care of you when you’re old.'” Oxfordcomma42

“I (29M) found out that I have a 10-year-old daughter. It’s a long story of how I found out but just to be clear yes I’m sure she is mine.

I’ve been trying to get to know her and she stays with me a lot. I’ve decided this is the right time to introduce her to my family. I have a big family with so many siblings and niblings. They know about my daughter and some of them have met her but some of my siblings that I’m not very close to or who live in another city haven’t met her yet.

My siblings and I stay the entire holiday in our parents’ home and this year I’m taking my daughter with me. Every Christmas my siblings make a list of gifts. This list is for all the kids in the family and it’s designed so that every kid will have the same gifts and no one will get upset that someone else is getting a better gift. It’s also designed so that all my siblings, even the ones who don’t have good jobs can afford it.

My sister sent me this year’s list and told me this is what I should get for my child this year. I looked at the list and it was mostly clothes and like one toy of our choice. I told her I’m sorry but this is my daughter’s first Christmas with me and I’m not gonna get such trashy gifts for her.

I have my own list. She argued that every kid in the family is getting these gifts and getting anything but these will make other kids upset and I told her I don’t care.

The other issue is that my siblings usually go there by train.

I used to go with them but it’s a very long way and tiring so I told her that this year I’ll get plane tickets for me and my kiddo which made her madder and she called me a jerk.

She has told all my siblings and most of them are calling me a jerk for not thinking about how their children will feel if I do this. Only 2 of my siblings are on my side and the rest think I’m a jerk.

Edit: I decided not to go there for Christmas. I want to give her the best Christmas possible and I can’t do that if I’m focused on how everyone else is going to feel about it. We’ll go there for a day or 2 so that she can meet the family though.

She actually looked relieved when I told her. LOL. I guess she was nervous about spending so much time with people who are basically strangers to her. I’ll talk to her mom and see if we can give her a Christmas with both her parents instead.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You found out you have a living, breathing child who is spending her first Christmas with you and your sister is being a little present tyrant. Life happens and you make adjustments and accommodations accordingly, and part of that is not everyone always gets it exactly the same.

It’s not always fair but that’s life and a lesson kids need to learn at some stage anyway. This doesn’t mean that the other kids are loved any less and it’s their parents’ job to explain this and not to instill materialistic values in their children that would give them this idea.

If you want to take her on a plane trip then you’re allowed to do that too, you’re not asking them to pay for your tickets so spend your money how you like. Your daughter is what matters most here and it’s her first Christmas with you, if you want to spoil her, spoil her!

This will be a core memory for her and an amazing bonding experience for you both, don’t let your sister ruin it.” givemethc27

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. If you are trying to assimilate your daughter into your family, you are off to a bad start.

Making her feel like part of the family is exposing her to the traditions and experiences that the rest of your family has done for years. Flying and buying her different presents will make her feel different from the other children and make her feel alienated when the other kids are not happy that she has more or better gifts than they do.

If you want to treat her, have some special gifts waiting for her when you get back from your parents. That way, it causes no friction and you still get to spoil her and make her first Christmas memorable.” Various-Bridge-325

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

I don’t understand why you can’t just get her the family presents so that all kids feel the same, and then give her something extra early or later when you’re back home. You literally bring someone new to the family and want to give her better gifts than the other kids, which makes it seem like this new kid is better/more important than the others.

I know that’s not your intention, but that is what it feels like. I don’t care about the adults being hurt, but the kids don’t deserve this. The family tradition is weird, but either you stick with it, get it changed for all, or don’t come at all.

Your siblings are jerks for overreacting tho. Also, why not take the train? It would be an extra bonding time for your daughter with the others.” Mundane_Sunday

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

If you want to have a family Christmas her first Christmas with you then do a family Christmas.

Breaking tradition and causing resentment will be a TERRIBLE way to start things off with your family. Do you think she won’t notice all the adults shooting you and her glances? That she won’t notice the tension? She will.

I’ve been through so many tense Christmases and the material presents never ever made up for that feeling of walking on eggshells.

If you are absolutely determined to go all out on materialism and pack ten years of Christmases into one then don’t go to your family.

Have the first one be just you and her and shower her with 50 presents and then next year do a family Christmas.

But seriously. You will not be helping your daughter if her very first and longest-lasting Christmas present from you is driving a wedge between her and your family.” SheepPup

“My ex broke up with me over 2 years ago. I moved away shortly after the breakup and cut off pretty much all of our mutual friends because I was in a bad state and didn’t want any reminders of him.

I’ve had to move back recently which has caused me to reconnect with old friends and see and interact with him more often than I would like.

One of my friends told me he had a tattoo of my name on his body.

I thought she was joking as he definitely didn’t have it while we were together but she showed me pictures of it. She told me he got it done after I moved away and was pretty smug about having it.

I was furious so the next time I saw him I confronted him about the tattoo. I asked him why he had it but he pretty much just laughed at me and told me to have a drink so I would calm down.

I yelled at him that he needed to remove it and that he was a jerk. He wanted me to stop yelling as he said I was making a scene but I wouldn’t. Eventually, my friend pulled me away from him because she said it wasn’t worth it and that I was going to make him and his friends angry if I kept going.

He keeps texting me now and telling me how I hurt his feelings when I yelled at him since he got the tattoo for me. My friends are telling me I shouldn’t have spoken to him the way I did and I should just forget about the tattoo.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ for being upset and feeling violated. His texting you about his hurt feelings and how he ‘did it for you’ is manipulative nonsense.

Realistically there’s nothing you can do aside from distancing yourself from him and any enablers.

At least you get the satisfaction of knowing he’s going to have a rough time in future relationships when he has to explain that he tattooed your name on his body AFTER you guys broke up because it makes it look like he’s desperate and hung up on you so any future significant others are going to be really suspicious of him and hate that tattoo.

It sucks and feels icky, but he played himself and doesn’t even realize it yet.” Silaquix

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. It’s his body and you can’t demand other people do what you want with their bodies. He’s dumb yes, but that’s him.

You are being super controlling. You two are broken up, what he does is none of your concern. He wanted a reaction from you and he got it. Move on with your life away from this moron and focus on you.” Simple_Permit3385

Another User Comments:

“Why do you care? Seriously, why are you giving so much free rent in your head to this person? He made a poor tattoo choice and will have to live with it. Let it be. Quite honestly, he branded himself ‘for you’ and the way to handle it is to not care.

Stop hanging out with him, at all. You are giving him access to you and that is not access he needs to have. If he’s there, walk out. Tell your friends that you can hang out when he’s not there or not at all.

Then figure out who your friends are because some of them definitely aren’t your friends.

Everyone sucks here. I get that you don’t like it, but the more attention you give it, the more he likes it. It’s also his body to make bad decisions about.

I could get your name tattooed on me right now and your feelings about it wouldn’t matter to me. Just wish him well with his next partner while he’s got your name branded on him and laugh it off because he’s not the most forward-thinking person out there.” Ladygytha

“So I’m a stay-at-home mom with 3 kids. My husband works full time and gets an okay salary BUT he’s tightened the grip on spending for the past 4 months to be able to save up to go watch the football event overseas.

He’s literally obsessed with anything to do with football. He said he rarely ever gets to do what he wants and so I didn’t want to judge him since it’s his money.

We discussed plans for Christmas and he told me to handle everything since he won’t be back til Dec.

20th. He told me he had put aside money for Christmas decorations, food, gifts, kids’ needs, etc. The money in total was 100$. I was completely shocked I told him 100$ for an entire family’s Christmas celebration was ridiculously not enough. He shrugged saying it’s all he’s got but I pointed out how he’s paying for his friend’s and his girl’s travel expenses.

He told me to just ‘take it’ but I said that if he decided to leave me with just 100 bucks then I won’t be doing anything for Christmas. We had lots of arguments and couldn’t get this resolved.

He’s in Qatar now (he left days ago).

Yesterday, while I was cleaning I found an envelope with the same 100$ and a note from him telling me ‘to make it work’. I sent him a message that I’d decided that I won’t be doing anything for Christmas with this little money, period.

He was livid he just kept sending an angry message after another calling me ‘spoiled’ and telling me to stop expecting to live like I was still living in my parents’ house and to stop trying to ‘rob’ the kids of enjoying the holidays like the other kids.

I haven’t replied but he’s livid saying I’m punishing him for going and trying to guilt him using his own money.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, sounds like financial abuse or the start of it. You deserve to be treated like an equal. You are raising the kids, that is your job and he is out of the home, both are valuable and you both are adding value to the relationship.

That money is both of yours and no one person should get to determine how the bulk is spent leaving one of you without and struggling to make do and then being verbally abused when his expectations aren’t met.

This isn’t a healthy relationship. It’s financial abuse, it’s emotionally controlling and it has the potential to be full abuse if it’s not already.

I don’t know if you need to hear this, but my mother did.

Control is a form of mistreatment, financial control and manipulation are forms of mistreatment and it can sneak up slowly over time so you don’t know.

Then when you question them, they throw it back at you and you somehow end up on the defensive or being blamed. For example, he blamed you for robbing the kids of Christmas when the original question was about the money he was using.

You do not have to stay for your kids, they will be better with a happy mother. You don’t have to do it alone there is so much help out there and financial aid.

I could be way off base but on the off chance that I am not I needed to say something.” MilkyPsycow

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. So, he’s going to be gone over a month, expects you to fund that time for the family, AND get Christmas together on $100? Clearly, this is financial abuse, among other things. A lot of alarm bells go off with this story too.

This can’t be in the US because no one gets that amount of time off for vacation and still has a job for something like this. And make it 3 people gone over a month – definitely not employed, or not actually on a holiday unless they too are working there.

Are you sure it’s his friend’s partner? And not his? Because I also have a hard time thinking a guy will pay for his friend’s partner to travel for over a month. His attitude about his time, knowing he’s the breadwinner and a family man is also suspicious.

It’s one thing to feel you don’t have time for yourself, and it’s another to abandon them for over a month and expect Christmas on so little. Has he had to work a lot of overtime? Out late?

Not back at all? If so, there’s a good chance the woman on the trip is his partner.

Why do a lot of stay-at-home moms feel they don’t have a say in the family finances just because as a couple they decided she would manage the home and kids vs.

get a job? Why is it you feel it’s his money alone? The money he earns supports the family. And you and the kids are his family. He has withdrawn that financial support for purely selfish reasons. Additionally, when one decides to become a parent and have a family doing things like this – abandoning your family financially at a critical time period, especially if they are the single breadwinner in the family, is abusive and unacceptable.

You need to decide if this behavior is one you will tolerate for the rest of your life, and if you’re on board with your kids learning this, being hurt by this, or emulating it. I sure hope you don’t because we don’t need more crappy people in this world.

You have a month to check into his finances and find evidence of misbehavior. And to make sure he’s still employed. You also need to ensure that you and the kids are financially safe – I mean it’s more than a month – surely you have access to other funds for food and bills?

If not I hope you can reach out to your parents or in-laws for help.

I would avoid contact with him if at all possible for the time being while you check out what’s going on. If you do have to contact him, try not to get involved in anything with him that would tip him off that you are investigating.

Keep your investigation quiet. Get an attorney and get guidance on your rights as a stay-at-home mom and his abandonment. Then once you have the facts, make a decision if you want to stay in this type of situation or not, or if the kids should.

I think you will find that there is more happening here than just a holiday abroad. You must take action to protect yourself and your kids. Don’t trust that he will be back and all will be fine. I don’t think it will be.

If nothing else this obsession has proven that he is out of control and is willing to hurt you and the kids over it. And that’s not okay. At the worst, he has left to spend over a month abroad with his girl, and left his dependent family without the financial means to survive, and without notice.

If he is so disgruntled about his life, this time away could be a stepping stone to leaving altogether when the pressure he’s been feeling has been relieved. Be proactive and protect your family. Take action today. I really hope I’m wrong.

But his behavior is full of red flags.” Special-Parsnip9057

Another User Comments:

“I am gonna say NTJ, but you would be the jerk towards your kids if you actually don’t do anything, but you’re not the jerk for threatening it to your husband.

You are in no way the jerk though if you end up ONLY cooking for the kids and completely exclude him (or worse).

The only real jerk is of course your husband though. Are you saying that he is paying for a trip for three people for 4 weeks to go to the World Cup???

That must cost thousands!!! And then he tells you to make Christmas work with $100?! He is a bad partner and father. I get the need to be selfish once in a while but this is way beyond acceptable. Why must he pay for his friend and their girl if it means he cannot afford to provide properly for his family??

This sounds really messed up. And also: it is not his money. It is your money jointly since you have an agreement for you to take care of the kids as a SAHM. You have as much say as him.” Select-Run-2394

“I found my roommate online, and when we met a few times before moving in, she seemed totally normal. After I moved in though, things went downhill fast. I swear it was like she embodied every trope of the trashy roommate and just ratcheted it up to the next level.

She’d leave dirty plates on the counter until flies and mold grew on them. I’ve walked in on her being intimate with a different partner five or six times a month in our shared living room. She’s taken my car without telling me to ‘run errands’ before, leaving me stranded at home.

She once stole prescription medication from me as well.

I could honestly go on and on with how many times she’s been disgustingly dirty, crossed my boundaries, or was just miserable to live with.

I finally had enough and decided that I couldn’t live like this anymore.

Here’s where I may have been the jerk: I was never on the official lease and would just Venmo her rent every month. While she was at work, I grabbed all of my things and just dipped to my mom’s house.

She called me screaming and crying, but I told her I wasn’t paying a single cent more to live there and that I was done.

She said I was a jerk for not giving her a warning and that it would be impossible to find a new roommate during the holidays.

I told her I’d repeatedly talked to her about her behavior (for at least two months) and she never changed.

She just texted me though and said that she wasn’t going to make rent this month and might get kicked out because of me.

My brother says I should have given her at least a month of notice, and I am starting to feel a little guilty. I’m not sure what else I could have done though. Was I the jerk?

EDIT: Some additional info: Two months ago I clearly expressed to my roommate that if she didn’t change her behavior then I would be looking for another place to live.

I also signed no documents regarding the lease, and she did mention to me a few times not to tell anyone I was renting from her because her landlord ‘wouldn’t like it’. I didn’t press that further because I didn’t want to open a can of worms.”

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here. She sounds like a horrible roommate, and I would have moved out too. However, moving out with no notice is totally trashy behavior, and your brother is right that you should have given a month’s notice (or paid out another month regardless of if you are staying).

If you’re in the US, most places default to 30 days’ notice if there’s nothing in writing, so she might be able to take you to small claims court, but regardless of the legal requirement, you’re still a jerk for not giving notice and need to give her the funds for next month.” Internal_Progress404

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – a few reasons… You’ve discussed the behavior with her for long enough. She ignored you. Without your name on the lease, she willfully accepted the risk of being in this position. Legally you were a monthly tenant at will, and her inability to stay without you isn’t your fault.

Besides that, her behavior itself is just gross – not sure how she expected you’d just live with it.” Camdogga

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Everyone pointing out that telling her you were moving out ahead of time would have resulted in even more shady behavior is right.

Depending on where you live, you’d be considered a month-to-month tenant & legally would be obligated to 30 days’ notice. So, at most, you’re obligated to pay one more month of rent. I doubt she’ll bother going to court for one month’s rent & given your story, I’m not sure she’d win.

Also, how was she managing the rent before you moved in? If she signed a lease that she can’t possibly cover for a single month without a roommate, that’s her problem. She’s lying about getting kicked out. If she has a lease, it would take months to go through eviction court.

Most landlords will accommodate you for a month or two if you have a financial crisis that prevents you from making a full rent payment. Again – not your problem.” ChiefTuk

“My wife and I have been married for a decade.

She’s a stay-at-home wife and we have no children of our own. She has a daughter from a previous relationship (Sarah) and we’ve gotten along for the most part. Sarah is a junior in college and pursuing a biology degree with additional courses required by medical schools.

She’s had a dream of being a doctor and helping people since her mom and I met. The problem is she’s not a very good student.

She’s failed her biology 1 class and had to retake it to get a B.

She really struggled in her next-level biology class and finished with a C. She also got a C in her chemistry class. She got a B in calculus 1 and 2. She’s making As in her non-science and non-math classes so they’re padding her GPA which is at 3.2.

This semester I just learned she will make Bs and Cs in her science and math classes. I’m not a doctor and I don’t know any doctors but I did online research. I found out that medical schools require many things but at the top of the list, is a high GPA and top grades in science and math classes.

With Sarah’s grades, she’s not getting into any medical school. I even looked into nursing school to see if I can talk her into going that route and all the ones I looked at require higher grades than what she has.

I talked with my wife about it and she said the medical school looks at other things besides grades and that’s where Sarah excels. She has a solid volunteer resume and she cares about people. I argued none of that mattered if her grades are not good enough.

She argues that Sarah will do great in the interviews. Like I said, I have no experience with medical school so I can’t argue with her logic. Instead, I talked with Sarah when she came home for thanksgiving and told her to look into another major because she might not be cut out to be a doctor.

She ran to her mom and we all got into a huge argument. I admit I lost my temper and yelled I’m not wasting any more funds on something she’ll fail at. I told them both that I’m not paying for next semester’s classes unless she changes her major to something more realistic.

I feel bad, I really do but I’m not rich and I don’t have money to waste if she doesn’t have a chance to get into medical school.

AITJ?

Additional info: the reason why I want her to switch majors is that having a biology degree without any advanced degree is useless from my research.

While I don’t know any doctors, I have friends who have biology degrees without other advanced degrees and they couldn’t do anything with them. One had to go back to school for another degree, one works as an assistant manager at Lowe’s, and another has been a receptionist for 20 years.

They all advised against getting just a biology degree. While these are all noble jobs, they didn’t need to pay for a biology degree to get those jobs.

I’m still willing to pay for her degree if she switches to something that will allow her to get a good job.”

Another User Comments:

“You need to get with one of her counselors or student advisors at the school and speak with them and Sarah. Ask them about REALISTIC expectations. Educate YOURSELF as well as Sarah about how she is doing and what her future can look like.

YTJ but only because you REACTED first before thinking it through. You admit you don’t know what is required, so you NEED TO FIND OUT.

Educate both yourself and Sarah on the requirements she NEEDS. TALK with the advisor/adjunct at her school, GET A MEETING and make it at least one hour long.

Have a LIST of prepared questions, take Sarah, and go. Show her that you DO support her, but you also need to make decisions based on her CURRENT abilities. Be gentle, but also explain how expensive it is. Show her the economics of it in a way she can understand, so that she can get how big the outgoing is compared to incoming money.

She needs a LESSON in economics as well as ACHIEVABLE FUTURE planning. You can help her with that, but you need allies from the school, they are there to HELP, use them!” SageGreen98

Another User Comments:

“Not the jerk, but consider this… First, med schools also require the MCAT (or at least used to when I took them) and there’s no grade padding there.

If she has mediocre grades and a mediocre MCAT, she’s not getting in.

There’s nothing wrong with a hard talk about the future, especially when you’re not a shoo-in. Now, you may have wanted to be in line with mom first, but it’s still valid.

The thing you miss is that there are a TON of things you can do with a basic biology/Biomed/chem degree outside of nursing or anything clinical. So the pre-med style classes are not in any way a waste.

What I suggest you do is go step by step, as she’s likely not getting into med school, and if she does, she’ll probably fail.

First, pay for the undergrad. It’s not a waste and she can use it. Then, especially if she tanks the MCAT, tell her if she gets in, you’ll pay as long as she passes, but she has to take a loan to pay first. That is, she’s in and it’s semester 1.

She gets a loan and pays. If she passes, you refund the funds to her and pay off the loan. Same thing next semester. If she can get in and pass the first year then you’re wrong.

That said, you should agree that she pays some part of med school, even if it’s after she graduates.

It’s very expensive.” biglionfan111

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Changing majors is not her only option; she could also seek tutoring, academic advisement, and career counseling; establish a minor in a complementary field; consider planning an alternate career path in case she doesn’t get into medical school; seek internships to start building a professional resume.

You say she isn’t a good student, but poor students don’t get Bs in advanced mathematics and As in other college-level courses. Bs and Cs are not failing grades. If she doesn’t get into medical school, she might still get other postgraduate education in which her studies are essential. She might teach middle school STEM courses, work for a nonprofit or museum that promotes math and sciences, become a physician’s assistant, work in public health or epidemiology as a research or communications or policy staffer, sell pharmaceuticals, etc.

In short – YTJ for trying to coerce her into changing her path because you weren’t creative enough to think of all the other possible destinations she might reach.” Inevitable-Place9950

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here. You do realize that whether Sarah becomes a doctor and whether she can or should still graduate with her current major are two separate issues, right?

No, she’s probably not getting into med school on extracurriculars and charisma alone: those things are great, but they only really come into play after you’ve demonstrated you can do the work in the classroom. That doesn’t mean she can’t take her bio degree to any number of careers that do just care about your interview skills and overall work ethic and not your GPA or even what your major specifically is.

Demanding she completely starts over, much less cutting her off is counterproductive and will take her much longer and cost you more money with all the new graduation requirements she’ll have to complete. So sure, urge her to come up with a plan B and make it clear you won’t be funding a second bachelor’s if she decides she needs different qualifications later, but back off the all-or-nothing threats.” mm172

“I (46F) love my sister (47F) but she is exhausting.

She is needy and always tries too hard to get people to like her, and is always aiming for perfection in her life. My mother and I would love to be there for her when she needs us, but she ‘needs’ us so often that we have no desire to offer any help.

I don’t like answering her calls because I know it’s just another favor. Don’t get me wrong, for the most part, they’re legitimate, but it still gets annoying.

As an example this past week she asked me to babysit her kids because she forgot they had a half day and due to required school and work commitments neither she nor her husband could make it, the prior week she needed me to drive her kids and husband to school and work, before that one kid was sick and she asked me to watch him on my day off.

The requests go on and on. She’s always apologetic, she knows it’s an inconvenience, but she does NOTHING to prevent the next event. If we say no we’re given the 3rd degree. ‘Why can’t we help? What are we doing?

Don’t we understand how stressed she is right now?’ She whines about the fact that NOBODY ever offers to help her, she has to beg us for help. My mom and I end up helping out the most but it is just too much.

Since the majority of the requests she makes are child-related I want to get her a gift card for a babysitting/nanny service. The problem is that I am sure she will take this as me not wanting to watch her kids (it’s not, I love my nibblings I would just prefer scheduling time to be with them when I want to see them rather than when my sister needs me).

It would greatly help me be able to schedule what I need to do on my days off, without constantly having to change my plans. It would also mean that I wouldn’t be forced to see her each week, I could go a few weeks without her and when I do see her, I won’t be resentful of having to drop everything to help her.

I think it would be great for our relationship, but I am pretty sure that she will get angry and stop talking to me.

Also, she has made no attempt to find babysitters in her area, probably because when we were young, my mom was broke and hired babysitters that were just bad.

But I think that if she took some effort to research them and maybe set up a nanny cam it would reassure her that her kids are safe. So WIBTJ if I got her a babysitting/nanny gift card for Christmas?”

Another User Comments:

“YWBTJ, but only because some of what you wrote is absolutely a good reason for her to do this herself and will make your gift harder/unlikely for her to use, such as her needing to do her own homework about who she picks to sit.

If you get her something prepaid, you’re picking and that’s not likely to go over well.

This seems like more of a conversation with an offer of payment if payment is an impediment. Maybe offer to take her and her husband out for a short lunch/dinner nearby as a trial run if she meets someone she likes to see how it goes with low stakes before she needs to leave this person with her kids for half a day when she’s unable to abort her own plans.

If she’s really nervous about sitters in general, a gift card isn’t going to solve her reliance on you.” Illustrious-Shirt569

Another User Comments:

“Hmm tricky but I’d say NTJ.

She’s demonstrated that she could really benefit from professional childcare and it gives you an opportunity to decline to rescue her.

I think it’s really thoughtful and personally, I would LOVE to receive a gift card for childcare.

If she doesn’t like the gift, she can regift it, no big deal. For her to make a big deal out of it would show her character, not yours.

If she stops speaking to you then she risks not having her ‘drop everything and save me’ babysitter (which my petty self finds hilarious).

Side note: regardless of the gift you give her, I hope you do stop rushing in to save her.

I personally think she needs to deal with the consequences of her poor planning. It sounds like these experiences are times when she could’ve planned ahead. Not like ‘Hey one of the kids got sick and I’m stuck in this meeting I have to lead, can you pick them up for me and I’ll head home right after it’s done?’ I understand that we make commitments to school and work but my opinion is that the most important commitment we make as parents is to our children.

I feel like she’s expecting you to commit to HER children so she doesn’t have to, which is completely unfair.” User

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here. You can’t whine and moan about how needy your sister is and keep enabling her.

No is a complete sentence. Now you’re worried about giving her a gift card and her not talking to you when she gets offended. Make that make sense.

You and your mother have taught your sister how to treat you and she does.

She has weaponized her child-rearing duties and you and your mom go running when she calls. Tell her to get a babysitter and she will probably stop talking to you. Get the rest you need when she goes no contact.

Also, get your mom on the same page and stop letting your sister take advantage of you both. Sulking in silence only hurts you and your mom. The world won’t end if she has to hire a babysitter for her many crises.” Necessary_Device_227

“The other day my babysitter canceled and I really needed someone to watch my younger two children so I could take my oldest to a birthday party (no younger siblings allowed but parents had to stay).

I was pretty desperate as I didn’t want her to miss out, so I called MIL.

I knew she was probably at work still and I accidentally video called but she answered and didn’t seem busy. I asked if there was any way she could leave early (very flexible and no she doesn’t lose any pay) and watch the kids.

MIL said she had a client coming in and couldn’t. I said I totally understood.

Then her boss ripped the phone out of her hand and told me she ‘must be confused’. She doesn’t have a client and she isn’t doing anything so of course she can leave early.

I was immediately uncomfortable and heard MIL mutter screw you. He said MIL would love to babysit he ‘can see it in her face’ and then he was like ‘aww she is so excited’.

MIL took the phone back and had the fakest smile.

She said that she had the days mixed up and she can come over. I said no she clearly doesn’t want to, I don’t need her pity, and my kids don’t need to be around someone with an attitude. She said I was being childish and she would come over.

She hung up. I was furious and ended up getting someone else.

MIL showed up right as I was leaving and told me it was fine and she could babysit, but I snapped at her that I’m not a charity case and I don’t like her attitude.

She called me childish and I told her to get out of my driveway and my kids don’t even like her as she’s fake and has bad energy. She realized I was serious and got annoyed. she said I shouldn’t have even called her then, I’m ungrateful and I wasted her whole afternoon.

My husband absolutely had my back and went off at her.”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ for the way you started talking about her ‘attitude’. It’s obvious she didn’t want to babysit and came up with an excuse, and her boss busted her excuse and basically strong-armed her into babysitting.

It’s not your fault that her boss is a jerk who can’t mind his own business, but you did nothing but exacerbate an already bad day for her with YOUR attitude about ‘pity’ and ‘charity case’. You could have just quietly reiterated to her that she doesn’t need to feel obligated to come over if she doesn’t feel like it, instead you decided to make a scene.” Sunny_Hill_1

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

MIL is being a jerk because she LIED to get out of babysitting instead of just being honest and saying she didn’t want to. You didn’t even pressure her. MIL should blame her boss for wasting her afternoon as he used his workplace authority to basically send her over there.

MIL’s boss is a jerk for getting in the middle of everything and stirring the pot. I think he was just trying to help you and show he was A Cool Boss but it backfired terribly. He could’ve privately told MIL that she’s welcome to go spend time with her grandkids.” User

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Your MIL clearly didn’t want to babysit, but instead of telling you that she made up a perfectly reasonable excuse.

Unfortunately, her boss felt the need to insinuate himself in the middle and accept on MIL’s behalf, giving her no room to say ‘no’ again.

So MIL did the RIGHT thing and showed up.

And you? You literally threw her kindness in her face, you told her the kids don’t even like her and accused her of ‘having bad energy’. You made a comment about HER attitude when it’s you with bad energy, bad attitude, and entitled behavior.

You ARE ungrateful, and she’s right, you should not have called her because clearly, you don’t like her and only asked her to babysit to use her.

Did I mention that YTJ?” MissSuzieSunshine