People Are Plotting In These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
20. AITJ For Expecting A Goodbye Or Goodnight Response From Family And Partner?
“I was wondering whether I am the jerk about my expectation of my partner and family members saying goodbye or good night back to me when I say it to them (in my case in person and over video chat).
I was talking to my brother on a video call yesterday, and after having had a good time talking, we agreed to bring the call to an end, which is usually when we talk about our plans for tomorrow and what else we might still do that day or evening.
Yesterday though, he told me about an issue in his time schedule that frustrated him a lot, and I offered some advice. Knowing we wanted to hang up, I asked if he had anything else he wanted to say. He said no, so I said “Talk to you tomorrow, sleep well, bye”, which he didn’t respond to.
After repeating myself, thinking that it was maybe due to a bad connection, he got angry at me and said that if I wanted to hang up, I should feel free to do so. I tried to express my confusion about his negative reaction, but as he wasn’t willing to engage in further conversation, I dropped it, said bye, and hung up.
Shortly after that call, I got ready for bed and went by my partner to see what he was up to, and maybe talk a little. As he was busy on his computer, I just came in and said good night. He looked at me shortly, looked back at his screen, and said “bye” in annoyance.
Again confused, I just stood there for a second, then asked if saying good night in a friendly way was too much to ask for, as he didn’t even need to interrupt what he was doing. He told me that I was trying to demand attention and that he overheard my conversation with my brother, saying that I also forced him to say good night to me.
In my view, it is a sign of mutual acknowledgment that the other person is leaving and also a sign of respect. When I get ignored on this, I feel disregarded, as I don’t feel like they value me enough to engage with me. I get it when someone might be not in the mood, but if they aren’t angry at me specifically, then why would they not just say it back?
Now, I think I might be the jerk because I do expect a response when I tell someone goodbye or good night and won’t leave the room or call before my goodbyes were acknowledged and responded to. I get that some people say goodbye and immediately just hang up, or say goodnight to their partner and leave the room, because to them it is more of just a thing to say and less of a mutual interaction.
And if they view it that way, maybe I am the jerk for trying to make them say it back to me when they don’t want to or feel it’s necessary.
So, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Seems like crazy-making behavior. They literally ignore your words as if they didn’t hear them, and then when you ask if they heard you, they get angry.
What a mind game. You don’t deserve that treatment. It is not weird or controlling to expect someone to say “goodnight.” It’s one word. You just spent the call giving your brother advice. The least he could do was reciprocate a simple greeting. My roommate and I do it every night, even if the motivation is only to say, “Be quiet if you’re gonna stay up much longer,” lol.
Do you have anyone in your life who reciprocates your care for them without insulting you about it or holding it against you?” YoungTheRestless
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s just a simple common courtesy to say goodbye or good night. If my partner didn’t say anything back to me, I’d think they were upset for some reason.
It’s also the norm to end the conversation with some kind of signifier that it’s over. Bye, goodbye, good night, have a good one, whatever. Sorry you are having to deal with people who are, from the sounds of things, just rude jerks.” jippyzippylippy
19. AITJ For Cutting Off My Manipulative Younger Brother Despite Family Pressure?
“My little brother (24M) and I (26F) were mostly raised by our mother after our parents divorced when we were very young. We did see our father every vacation, but he wasn’t as big a presence in our lives and to be honest, didn’t raise us – he had a very hands-off parenting style.
From the moment my brother was born, our mother always showed blatant favoritism towards him, as in pretty much everyone except her could see it, including my brother. I don’t have many memories of my childhood, but I remember her being very harsh on me.
When I became a teenager, she was… not kind to me. I don’t want to talk about it too much, but let’s just say my brother and I had very different upbringings, and he often used her favoritism to his advantage. I am in therapy nowadays and doing much better.
I had no contact with our mother after moving out several years ago, but tried to salvage the relationship with my brother. Unfortunately, he grew up to be a manipulative, selfish, arrogant, two-faced adult. The way he acted towards me was completely different from the way he acted towards others, be it family or friends.
He always tried to get under my skin in a way that made it seem like I’d be overreacting if I said anything. And of course, in his mind, I was either lying or delusional about my childhood experience, since he had such a great time, and our mother was so miserable about not seeing me anymore (he still lives with her).
I finally got fed up and told him a year ago that I deeply disliked him as a person, that I’d been trying my best for the family until then, but that since clearly he wasn’t putting in the same amount of effort, I was done.
He seemed amused at the time, but I’ve been holding steady and it even looks like it’s getting to him – I say “hello” and “goodbye” and so does he when we see each other at family gatherings, but the rest of the time I don’t speak to him unless strictly necessary.
He keeps trying to get my attention with small jabs, but so far he’s failed.
The main issue is our family. Our grandparents are from a culture where family is everything and everyone has to get along or pretend to. As such, they’ve been bothering me for “not trying harder”, giving me typical “he’s your brother” speeches, and generally thinking that I’m overreacting since they know him as a laid-back, goofy guy, if not a bit immature but “he’s young” and “boys will be boys”.
I’m split. On one hand, I’m wondering if I’m being too drastic and how hard it can be to play pretend for the few times a year I see him. On the other hand, every time I’ve tried being kind to him in the past, he’s seemed to take it as a sign of weakness and an invitation to play mind games, leaving me with only two options: roll over or argue (which is exactly what he wants).
My therapist isn’t any help on the matter.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Stick your guns. My brother was a narcissist whose idea of humor was to insult me. That was my childhood. The difference was that my parents preferred me to my brother simply because his behavior caused them so much pain.
We are in our late 40s/early 50s now and everyone who demanded we get along has gone. I spent my adulthood happy and confident because I saw him maybe twice a year at family events and Grey rocked him so he had absolutely no ammo to insult me.
I always had the mindset “If I met him at work or through a hobby, would we be friends?” The answer is no. The expectations of DNA mean nothing to me compared to my mental health. And I bet if you looked into for grandparents’ history you’d find a relative they cut off.
Find the evidence and then bring up their hypocrisy every time they demand you include your sibling.” Sea_Supermarket_9728
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your brother has probably been manipulated by your mother and is manipulating relatives too. But a whole room of “boys will be boys” people is not enough to make it true and right.
I would consider going smart-LC (will be very busy with your job/new activities, often sick because of some allergy you’re trying to sort out, and very active by text and calls so nobody would complain you got distant. Take YOUR peace)” Chocolatecandybar_
18. AITJ For Being Upset That My Future Roommate Bailed On Lease Signing Day?
“AITJ for being upset that my future roommate (f20, Annie) bailed on me (f23) & my current roommate (m22, Max) the day that we signed the lease & paid the deposit?
Max and I have been looking for a place with Annie, for about a month now. From the beginning, we’ve had a budget planned for when we needed to pay for the deposit. (almost $1400 per person at times throughout our house hunt). We finally landed on a place that we all liked under $900 for the deposit!
We (Max and I) texted our group chat stating that I would be approving the application via email we all received & would move forward with the lease on a house we all agreed we loved. Max and I both signed the lease through the email & paid the deposit & were just waiting for Annie to do the same.
We waited most of the day & then at 10pm we get this long text from her. She bails. She states the reason as not realizing the deposit would be as big as it was (we’ve been budgeting for the last 4 weeks & been clearly communicating the first month is the most expensive).
I even talked to her at work that morning & she seemed totally on board with everything! She states in her messages that she wasn’t prepared for the high deposit amount and that she “has a life depending on her”.
Her texts seemed very selfish & stated that (direct quotes) “I did not cause any of this & I need you to realize that.
I’m not a weak person & I won’t be made to think I am. I am making a decision based on my health & well-being & I’m honestly confused that you either can’t see or can’t respect that.” My problem is that Annie refuses to admit she screwed Max & me over and acts like the entire setup was a surprise to her.
She acts like I’m the jerk for being upset about the fact I could very well be homeless as we may not be able to go forward with the house without her. She was also the one who was in contact with the property manager & confirmed the deposit amount which led to us getting approved just a day before she bailed!
I’ll admit I was a little rude in my response. I told her that she screwed Max & I over & that she was playing the victim by acting like we tricked her into a high deposit amount. I told her that she had an entire month to back out and it was crappy to bail when we just got the lease.
I also said she was being impulsive & vengeful as this came out of nowhere but was immediately blamed on Max and me for apparently going forward too fast with making the decision to pay our part of the deposit & signing the lease even though we have a deadline.
For reference, she only makes like 50¢ less than I do per hour & has maybe 5 hours less per week. I want to be as transparent as possible so if anyone wants me to reference any texts or replies, I’m willing to do so!
Am I not being sympathetic enough?
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she led you on with acting as if she was on board the whole time. If there were unclarities etc, she should have asked for clarification. This whole “I am not a weak person, I won’t be made to think I was one” sounds either as if you were unfairly accusing her, or, which seems more likely from your side of the story, is her having some issue accepting her messup.” t3hq
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I know this sucks right now but Annie does not seem mature enough to be a good roommate, she kind of did you a favor here because could you imagine living with someone like this?? She sucks and her aversion to taking responsibility for her actions is a warning you should not ignore.
You and Max will find another place. Please get in contact with the property manager and explain your situation to see what can be done. Sorry this is happening! I hope she steps on the corner of a Lego on a wet carpet. Such poor behavior.” CuriousTsukihime
17. AITJ For Gifting My Kind Brother A Car And Refusing To Help My Abusive Family?
“I (35M) am the result of a one-night stand my mom (53F) had at 18.
My father disappeared after. My religious grandparents disowned her, and she married my stepdad (54M, Josh) when I was 5. Memories before that are vague. I endured mistreatment from my family, especially siblings Mark (34M, step) and Sophie (30F, half). Only my half-brother Kyle (22M) was kind to me and showed empathy.
I was treated as a slave, with my mother favoring others and blaming me for her disownment. Bullied and belittled, I learned to stay quiet over time. I couldn’t hold it anymore when Mark flirted with my partner, leading to a breakup. My parents still defended him and my mother said that a beautiful girl like my partner deserved someone better like Mark.
Despite a scholarship to a prestigious college, my family refused to pay for registration. If not for some friends I wouldn’t have been able to attend. I cut contact, save for Kyle after college. My mother screamed at me saying that I was ungrateful and selfish, I didn’t care.
That was over 15 years ago, I got rich. Rich enough to gift Kyle an Audi on graduating college. Kyle and I have been in constant contact and last month he invited me to his graduation party. I was afraid that my parents would be mad but I decided that I was not going to let them ruin my relationship with my only sibling.
My parents and siblings were definitely very angry and mad with me as well as Kyle for talking to me. They kept quiet as they didn’t want to create a commotion but they kept on insulting me on how I am trash and haven’t achieved anything while flexing their achievements (only if they knew).
After lunch, we were standing outside and I pulled the keys out of my pocket, pressed the unlock, and handed them to Kyle. Kyle was ecstatic but reluctant, I told him that it was for the time we lost. It took some words to persuade him but he accepted it.
My other family members were too shocked to speak and of course, they would be their trash son just gifted a car worth more than their house. Times are tough for them so they definitely felt that.
That was over 3 weeks ago, my mom and siblings are now constantly calling me.
Mind you they are not apologizing, they are saying that I should help them since they are family and I owe them this, it’s almost funny that they are begging from someone they considered trash. I refused completely but now they are asking to Kyle to persuade me.
Kyle refused because they knew how terrible they were, they would have disowned Kyle by now but they knew he is their only chance. Two days ago, Kyle told me that Mark is having a tough time and is now back with my parents. They tried to force Kyle to help by selling the car but he refused and went NC with them.
I am now starting to feel bad cause I didn’t want this to happen. They are bad people but they are still his parents.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Kyle sounds like an amazing brother. The two of you have turned out to be amazing humans and I am glad that you two have one another.
Neither one of you owe the “family” anything. The “family” will never truly mean any apology that they give you because they are selfish jerks who only care about themselves. I hope that the two of you are able to create a new family that will love and support you no matter what.
You guys deserve happiness and love” Amaryllis83
Another User Comments:
“Your family needs to remain an ex-family. They were awful to you growing up. If they are having problems, then they all need to GET JOBS AND WORK HARD. That means all of them. If they already have jobs, then they need to get second jobs.
Write them a letter telling them that they literally called you trash right before you gave Kyle his car. Tell them that they thought it was OK if your step-brother flirted with your partner because “she deserved someone better.” Tell them that you will not help them now or ever, because of their evil treatment of you.
You would not DREAM of giving them tainted money. Last, tell them that they are just mean people with no values or kindness at all, and you are going to move FORWARD with your life and not look back.” ElmLane62
16. AITJ For Confronting My Partner About Her Ungratefulness And Manipulative Behavior?
“Me M26 and my partner F24 are currently living abroad in an apartment rented by my employer. My employer (a huge corporation) provides me with either an apartment or financial compensation to cover my living expenses.
So the apartment is on me.
Not too long ago she manipulated her boss into giving her a raise. She told him that she’s paying the rent, bills, etc on her own, which is not true, and her salary is “not enough”. She told him she was going to quit, but basically got herself a raise.
Now she’s making more money than me and using this money (given to her for rent expenses) to pay for her own personal wishes. And at first, I was happy for her. The problem is. She’s constantly being ungrateful. Let me explain. I never liked the idea of splitting the bill.
I feel a lot better about me paying this time and she’s paying the next time. The same rules apply to grocery shopping. This time it’s on me and next time it’s on her. She liked this idea as much as I did.
But recently it’s never been enough for her. She’s complaining and nitpicking about all the little things she bought for me like coffee, bus tickets, and other silly stuff. While never acknowledging the same type of things I bought for her. It’s always an argument when she’s bringing it up.
Eventually to prove my “innocence” I’m forced to show her all the receipts in my banking app and I hate to do that because now we’re counting the change like 2 little kids.
Today I’ve had enough. She started demanding something like 5 bucks cash that I owed her for some ticket.
I explained that I’ve already paid for food and groceries the same day and I was sick of explaining it to her every single time. So now we’re even. But she ignored my point. Instead, she said “screw you” like 5 times, started calling me names, said that I’m living off her money, and said that I’m not a man.
I responded that she’s the one who’s actually living off me and being cheap and ungrateful the whole darn time while living in my apartment. I said that EVEN if I owed her those 5 bucks. She better shut up about it, because that’s her living with me and not the other way around.
Furthermore, I’m the one who’s cooking and cleaning most of the time, while she’s spending the “rent” money on herself. Every other day I’m picking the trash that she left on the floor.
Her excuse: she has no time because she’s working all day (9-6 remote job, project manager) and my job is easier (same schedule, remote, IT).
I asked how I could benefit from this if she was basically working for her whims and not our well-being. And instead of being cheap, she could’ve spent that money to buy something for the house if she was already lying to her boss about it in the first place.
Her response was interesting. She said that my employer is paying for the apartment, not me. So she has no reason for being grateful, and she’s paying for everything, while I’m living off her. I said that she could go and kick rocks then.
Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ There’s that saying that you reap what you sow. And if she lied to her employer about her raise then that’s the character she is as your partner. She’s nickeling and diming this relationship.
I didn’t have to read this whole post to know who’s skewed.” KyotoDreamsTea
Another User Comments:
“NTJ the apartment being covered by your boss is part of YOUR compensation package. It’s your money. Why you want to subsidize the life of an ungrateful messy mooching jerk is your business, but it’s not a life of servitude I would pick for myself.” SmoochNo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ And it’s time to kick her out. You want a partner, not an entitled brat. You would be better off alone than with this pathetic excuse for a human.” firebirdinflames
15. AITJ For Calling Out My Professor's Ableist Teaching Methods?
“I am autistic and dyslexic and, as a result, my whole life it was a hassle to do things like exams, it’s hard for me to do things under a time constraint and to put my explanations on paper, I also have to take the double or triple the time of other people just to interpret things, that’s not counting if there’s something that can give me sensory issues like loud sounds or flickering lights.
Because of this, in my uni I, and other neurodivergent/disabled people, usually ask for substitutes for exams (for example, asking to do a 10-page essay due in a week instead of a 10 questions exam in 2 hours) and usually, the professors are okay with that, some even prefer because it’ll be fair knowing how hard it can be.
Well, this semester I did that for every course excluding Professor Claire (not her real name). For some reason she never let me, and other two neurodivergent classmates of mine and 3 disabled classmates of mine, do anything outside of her “smaller exams” (instead of applying the 2 required exams for the total grade she decided to apply 12 smaller exams and 3 bigger exams, with 2 of the bigger exams being oral exams).
We tried to show her our diagnosis, tried to make other professors reason with her, tried to speak with her, and tried to talk with the uni dean, but she just wouldn’t budge and, according to her, “it wouldn’t be fair with the other students if I gave another option to you six”.
This was a nightmare to me, I would panic, or the class light would flicker or even I would spend 2 hours doing the activity when everyone else already left. I tried my best, brought things to avoid meltdowns, and even neglected other classes, my other academic projects, and substitutes, but even so, I barely passed. Four of my six neurodivergent/disabled classmates weren’t so lucky, they’ll have to take the course again next year (this course is only given at the start of the semester and it’s an obligatory one, so they’ll get 1-2 years behind us).
On the last day of class, she asked us for “feedback” saying “I want to know what you guys thought of my pedagogical method to be better next year”.
Well, I don’t know if it was because I was sleep-deprived or because had three other essays due this week, but I just said “Your ‘pedagogical method’ is just plain ableism.
Look around, you failed two of the only three neurodivergent students in the whole classroom and one of the only three disabled students, how did you expect we would go with so many exams when you aren’t flexible enough to understand our needs?”.
Apparently I was using a very angry voice tone when I said that, so she went outside to cry.
Most people are in my class, but I feel guilty for being mean and some other classmates said I was being a jerk. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I understand the need to have accommodations for disabilities, but I’m somewhat torn on what those should be and if they should apply to different university programs. Example: I certainly don’t want time constraints removed for nursing programs because nurses make quick life-or-death decisions.
I don’t mind the same time constraints waived for a mathematics course, as mathematicians aren’t making decisions in that way most of the time.” Petefriend86
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She asked for the feedback and you gave it. You all told her what would make your experience better at the start of the year and when she refused to listen, you asked for support from other profs and the dean and she still refused to make reasonable accommodations.
Then she asked for feedback on what she could do better. She shouldn’t be surprised at what you had to say and, frankly, even if you were angry in tone that’s not unreasonable given the unnecessary extra time and stress her methods caused you and your classmates.
And that several of them will be literally set back a year or more because of that.” canijustlookaround
14. AITJ For Choosing To Continue With Our Wedding Despite Family's Superstition?
“Me (31f) and my fiancé (34m) planned our wedding in early April this year. Since we are both busy due to our profession, we booked all suppliers except for the gown and suit.
We won’t be having any problems with our suppliers until it’s time to pay them.
Our wedding date is in December 2023. In late July, my fiancé’s sister (35f) had an emergency in the province. Fiancé and I rushed to go there from the metro, braving the storm at the time with a 4-hour drive from where we lived. We were all saddened by the incident.
Fiancé’s family then asked me if we would push through the wedding, having heard of a superstition that it would be bad luck to have a death and a wedding in the same year. I answered I have not heard of such superstition and do not believe it, being Catholic.
Fiancé and I then left the province and went back to the metro.
A few days later, my fiancé’s family told him to go back to the province alone to talk to his family about our wedding. They then asked him to postpone the wedding until January 2024.
They then gave him three options:
First option: The December 2023 wedding will push through as planned but without his sister (who miscarried and whom he loved and cared for since they were just 1 yr apart) and his uncle (who felt like he lost his grandchild and to whom fiancé owed so much of his life since the uncle supported his schooling), and with the guests’ opinions on the superstition.
Second option: The December 2023 wedding would be a simple civil wedding before a Judge with only our families (without assurance if the sister and the uncle would be attending) and then move the catholic wedding to January 2024.
Third option: The December 2023 wedding would not push through and move it entirely to January 2024.
I considered all options and counter with a fourth option: the December 8 wedding will be a civil one and all suppliers and VIPs will still push through, just without the church. My considerations were the money, the hard work, and the tears I shed for the planning.
Also, my family and I put the money into the budget for this wedding. Fiancé put some but fiancé’s family never contributed to the wedding. We also invited his family to our pre-wedding shoot, and the wedding fairs we attended but they did not come for reasons like they are sick or they do not feel like driving 4 hours from the province to the metro.
Now, I choose option 1. Fiancé and I have to live our lives with the pain of fiancé’s family for not considering their proposals. They might not talk to us anymore. But if I would consider the other options, I won’t be happy and I feel like I should have never planned the wedding at all.
Am I the jerk for choosing option 1?”
Another User Comments: ”
NTJ. If your family is large and unlucky enough, you might never get married at that rate. Their superstitions are also goofy. I would be careful about how politely I phrased that to their faces, but dates are just arbitrary.
Look at leap years. The Earth takes 365.24 days to orbit the sun, so we just tack on an extra day. Do we really think ghosts or curses are double-checking their Outlook calendars?” Neo_Demiurge
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it’s YOUR wedding and therefore YOUR decision.
Whilst it’s a sad circumstance, you shouldn’t allow a superstition that you don’t even subscribe to to dictate this sort of big moment in your life. Additionally, if you give into them now then they’ll push the boundaries with you in the future.
If you and your fiancé are on the same page, do what feels right for you both alone.” Radiant_Composer_454
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There is no reason for the two of you to change your wedding for a superstition. And you should be united on this.
No matter what, someone will be unhappy. Better it is the family living in a world of ‘bad luck’ and unreasonable demands than the majority of everyone else. And let’s not forget. If bad luck happens when a wedding and death happen in the same year, and you get married in January – is no one in the family allowed to die for the entirety of 2024?
Or do you have to annul the marriage and remarry in 2025 and start it all over again?” [deleted]
13. AITJ For Moving Away From My Mother After Having A Baby?
“My wife and I (30) are expecting a baby. It will be my mother’s (66) first grandchild. After the baby is born, we plan to move to my wife’s home country for maternity for good reasons. It’s a 2-hour flight away.
I have an older brother living 4.5 hours away with an annex where his mother-in-law resides.
After informing my mother that we were relocating for 6 months to a year, I received a barrage of accusations and insults. She accuses my brother and I of abandoning her, claiming it’s because we despise her and reject her, we’re just like our father, I’m doing it purposely to hurt her, we prioritize our mothers-in-law over her, our wives are manipulating us, everything bad happens to her, and other dramatic and terrible things as usual.
She expresses that all she wants is to be near her sons. I live close to her and don’t see her often. Our relationship has been strained for years. I struggle with her personality. One of the first things she will say when we see her is to accuse us of never visiting.
She’s annoyed that when I move away then I’ll be further away than my brother. I tried to assure her that she would be invited and welcome to visit and we would be visiting too.
A bit about her: She was an only child. She believes her parents neglected her needs.
She married and had children because she always wanted a close family that she didn’t have. Fast-forward many years and her marriage ends. She soon found a partner who has been with her since. She has expressed many times she is unhappy with him but won’t do anything to change her situation.
I feel like her expectations of what my brother and I should be are unrealistic. That we are always supposed to be close to her physically, or even live with her. I love my mum but that’s not going to happen!
I’ve tried to address issues I have with her multiple times but it is never received well.
Whenever it gets close to something real and deep she gets very emotional and shuts down communication. It’s like she will not listen to what we are saying, she can’t respect our judgment or opinions, and she cannot be wrong. This obviously pushes us away emotionally and she makes conflict so horrible and unhealthy that it stops us from challenging her.
But when we do come and see her she says some strange things that really put us off.
A very large problem she has is that she can’t trust anyone. She does not have close friends or deep relationships. Everyone is an acquaintance kept at arm’s length.
Her trust issues reach from her partner to our wives, and further. This puts a lot of pressure on her emotional needs on us only, but I think it is not my responsibility to cater to her unrealistic emotional needs and expectations. I believe it is her responsibility to cultivate a healthy relationship with her partner for that.
Am I right in thinking that her expectations of her children are unrealistic? Am I really doing something wrong by moving away?”
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ. You really aren’t prioritizing your wife per se, you’re more prioritizing having your own life. And that is exactly what you’re supposed to do.
I have a similar mother and I have discovered that it’s really about perception and reputation. Your mom thinks people will judge her as a bad parent because both of her kids moved away, but she isn’t willing to put the effort or risk into having a real connection with you which might make sticking around more appealing.
But that is not your fault, OP. Your mom needs to fix herself. And realizing that she probably won’t is one of the hardest things as a child. I wish you all the best in your new country, OP. Remember that your mom’s problems aren’t something you caused and aren’t something you can fix.
Enjoy your life while you can.” greeneyedkilla
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your priority is your wife and child. And it’s not at all unusual for families to move. While some of my family lives close to me, others are 1000s of miles away. But there is a new invention called a telephone that allows us to keep in touch with each other.” BlueRFR3100
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Malignant narcissist. This will be exacerbated exponentially once your newborn is in the picture. Stand your ground and set clear expectations: if she wants a relationship with her grandchildren, you demand respect for your right to make decisions based on what’s best for your family without the emotions of other people holding you hostage.
You hold ALL the cards. Use them. She won’t age out of this. She’s going to age deeper into this by the year.” Lost_Professional
12. AITJ For Being Upset That My Gym Coach Is Acting As My Unwanted Therapist?
“The basic summary is that I told my mother I don’t have any friends at all some weeks ago.
So then she decided to tell my gym coach + extra information that feels like her making stuff up, and now my coach is playing therapist with me and it’s both frustrating emotionally and it’s ruining my exercise routine as well. My mom ruined my only safe space.
I have no friends and nothing to look forward to at all, I’m just physically incapable of creating any kind of social bond. I did learn to mask overtime to pretend to be social. I can very easily just act socially normal when I’m forced to, though I need time to make new masks and refine my behavior.
There’s no ‘real me’. Lately, I’ve been seeming much more depressed than usual because I stopped masking at home. My mom noticed and has been consistently asking what’s wrong for a while so I eventually gave in and told her I had no friends.
And then this week she told my gym coach on the phone, and now he’s decided to act as my therapist without me wanting it. The first issue is that his ‘therapy’ is just terrible. It’s generic stuff that ultimately boils down to trying to argue that I shouldn’t be feeling terrible because life’s supposed to be great for me.
And if not that, I’m simply not trying hard enough, and I just need to try and do stuff. I don’t enjoy stuff anymore because I’m not doing stuff anymore.
To understand how bad the ‘advice’ is, he asked me if I play video games and I said I only play Halo.
Cause it’s a comfort and so on. and only single-player because I hate multiplayer. I don’t enjoy dying by people who’ve turned gaming into an art. He told me that I’ll enjoy stuff if I play challenging games such as multiplayer games.
So he instructed that I download Fortnight and Sekiro. I don’t want to play Fortnight and Sekiro, they wouldn’t help me make friends either.
I’m especially frustrated about the fact he seems insistent I have no reason to be unhappy or depressed because I have nothing to be depressed about.
Generally, he went about how much other people especially him had a worse life than I did. Or that I’m physically good-looking and generic things like that. However, I literally cannot look in the mirror and see the actual ‘good’ appearance he’s insisting I have.
It just doesn’t register.
The most frustrating thing is his confidence in thinking he knows just about everything about me. From just watching how I train. Very insistent on just ‘reading’ my body language when I exercise and deeming I like the experience therefore I am capable of enjoying stuff in general. I don’t like that overly confident arrogant feeling of people thinking they know me by the fact I smiled after lifting a weight.
So I dislike him in the same way I dislike both of my parents. I speak one sentence and it’s a 15-minute lecture telling me what I should be feeling. My parents did that so I never spoke to them, and now he’s doing it.
I just want to tell him to stop.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you might want to get some real therapy – by an actual mental health professional. You might have anything from depression to autism, to a personality disorder. Have you told your mom not to do this?
And that gym was your safe space? If so, she’s a major jerk. If not, she probably means well but has really put her foot in her mouth here. Your coach is a minor jerk for now – although you might wanna tell him what’s up as well.
Some people just do have that ‘I’m in charge and know everything’ personality, but as of right now we don’t know if it’s that or him just not having the full picture.” Anteatereatingant
Another User Comments:
“He may have good intentions but intentions mean nothing when you’re actively harming someone.
You need to talk to a psychiatrist man. I’m willing to give some grace because they apparently can’t see that. But your coach is not a mental health professional. Good thing since he’s terrible at it. Are your parents against actual mental health care or something?
“Hey coach. Thanks for trying, but you’re not making me feel better and I’d really like to not feel uncomfortable during my workout. Let’s just drop talking about me and stick to my workout.”” bendybiznatch
Another User Comments:
“OP, It sounds like no one is actually ASKING you how you are doing or how you would like things in your life to be better or different.
YIKES! Of course, their “help” is useless, as essentially they are speaking for themselves as opposed to allowing you to speak. Their motives are good, but that has to be frustrating. It sounds like you are a fairly independent person and will figure this out on your own or maybe with someone who listens to YOU!
Edit to add: NTJ; you show really good insight!” stephnetkin
11. AITJ For Insisting On Bringing A Suitcase On Our Japan Trip?
“I (37M) am planning a 14-day vacation to Japan with my husband (34M).
Our trip will involve 6 days exploring major cities, and 2 days hiking MT. Fuji, 6 days exploring various towns in central Japan, and many hikes up Japanese mountains and into forested areas. Some of the activities include the Tateyama Kurobe Alpine Route and Matsumoto Castle.
My husband wants each of us to travel with a small hiker’s backpack (30 or 40-liter capacity) containing all of our luggage and possessions.
I would prefer to carry a medium-sized wheeled suitcase about 26″ x 19″ x 11″. We have a wide diversity of activities for the 14-day trip (nice restaurants in cities, bath houses, mountain hiking, going to bars, karaoke bars, dance clubs, arcades, exploring forests, and visiting cultural sites like shrines and temples).
I think I need a variety of outfits, shoes, and gear for all these different activities – you don’t wear the same shirt or shoes at the bathhouse, the mountaintop, or a Michelin-star restaurant. I told him I would really need to bring a medium-wheeled suitcase because I could not fit all my things for this amount of time into a small hiker backpack.
My husband claims that we cannot bring suitcases or luggage of that size because many of our activities will involve hiking through a forest, a national park, taking gondola rides, and other long stretches of walking and hiking for which it is not practical to lug a suitcase.
He wants to travel from point to point carrying all possessions we brought into the country. I suggested that we stash our luggage at a hotel or find rental lockers while doing these activities but he explained we will travel from one town to another and cannot return to pick up our luggage afterwards.
I suggested we alter the itinerary to accommodate each of us bringing a medium suitcase and leaving it at a hotel/bus/locker each day and he said this is impossible – we either have to redesign the entire trip or limit our luggage to a small backpack each.
I told him that I did not want to travel like a young college student adrift like a leaf in the breeze, a train hopping from town to town without a care in the world. We are not wilderness hikers moving from one shelter to another.
I want to be comfortable while I am in Japan and I want to take in all of the cultural experiences I can. I want to bring a variety of outfits/shoes that enable me to dress for the occasion and adapt to the customs of the local people.
I also want space to carry home mementos from my trip abroad. He thinks none of this is necessary – just wear the same pair of shoes and the same pair of pants for the entire trip and mail home any souvenirs you want to purchase along the way.
Am I the jerk for insisting on bringing a suitcase on this trip? Even though it may require a redesign of some of our plans? Or is he the jerk for requiring me to limit my luggage to a 40L backpack?”
Another User Comments:
“That simply sounds like way too much to try to cram into a 2 week period to begin with.
You’ll both be so stressed and exhausted trying to squeeze everything in that you wouldn’t enjoy it backpack or suitcase. It also doesn’t make any sense to hike up mountains with stuff you don’t need on the mountain. Of course, you should have a drop point for your belongings.
He thinks none of this is necessary – just wear the same pair of shoes and the same pair of pants for the entire trip. Good luck getting into top-rated restaurants like that. Because you’re either going to be hiking in your dress slacks or show up in hiking pants.
Either way, his plan is unreasonable. NTJ” International-Aside
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You just have very different styles and abilities to prune down to necessities. My spouse and I spent 17 days touring Australia. We each took a single carry-on, and mine even included my SCUBA mask.
We had to wash a few times, but it sure made traveling from place to place easy. We never regretted it. It also means they can’t lose your luggage, and you don’t need to stand around in baggage claim. P.s..: just checked the size.
35L.” extinct_diplodocus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ It’s your luggage and if you’re willing to carry it (or find a way to store it) your husband doesn’t really get an opinion. But it sounds like the two of you have completely different ideas about what this trip is supposed to be.
And potentially have more planned than is actually possible to accomplish. If both of you planned things separately (or just added to a list of things you want to see or do) it’s past time to sit down and see what works together and what doesn’t.
Your approaches are so different, if you don’t get on the same page before you go, it’s not going to be fun for either of you, regardless of what luggage you carry.” princessluni
10. AITJ For Not Inviting My Homophobic Cousin's Wife To My Gay Wedding?
“My fiancé (Sam 33M) & I (30M) have been together for 9 years & are planning our wedding. I have a large family who all live interstate & we are inviting most of them.
My cousin (David, 25M) is a born-again Christian. He married Tania (26F) three years ago.
They invited my sister & me but not our long-term partners. They said they had a “no ring, no bring” rule. Sam has always made an effort with everyone in my family (even Tania). Tania has never acknowledged Sam at any family events (bdays/Xmas/etc) & avoids both of us.
Lots of micro-aggressions from her but never outright homophobic things. My cousins have commented on it but my parents are not around when it happens so they have not noticed it. My sister’s partner wasn’t invited to the wedding either & I knew they might be limited in numbers due to our large family.
I spoke with Sam & he was happy for me to go to the wedding with my sister to support David because we were close growing up.
David & Tania’s wedding ceremony was very fire & brimstone. Same-sex marriage had recently been legalized in our country & they explicitly chose to say that “although the law may now recognize other kinds of marriages, we only recognize true marriage in the eyes of God: one man & one woman, as is natural & meant to be”.
There were a few other digs about LGBTQ+ people. My sister & another cousin leaned over to check that I was okay. I was hurt but didn’t let it show.
At the reception, some friends of the couple implied that our partners weren’t invited because we were living in sin (my relationship before marriage, me=gay).
This was never explicitly said to us by David or Tania but Tania ignored me all night & specifically came over to interrupt my congratulations to David & tell him not to speak to me. I congratulated her. She glared at me and then turned away.
Tania went out of her way to be actively hostile towards me & several people commented on it. At one point, I slipped outside & cried. I decided I wouldn’t let her ruin my time with my family & spent the evening dancing with my grandmother & cousins.
Sam & I got engaged this year. Neither of us feels comfortable having Tania at the wedding. We invited the whole family to our engagement party but David/Tania never RSVPed. David’s mum told us that he was busy that day. We want to invite David to our wedding.
Neither Sam nor I want to invite Tania. My parents are concerned about us not inviting her but are trying to understand. They are worried about family fallout. They suggest I reach out to David & explain that we only want people who are comfortable celebrating us there on our wedding day.
They also think that if we invite Tania, she won’t come anyway but Sam & I don’t want to give her the power to say no (or worse, attend in protest).
I am aware that David may not come if we don’t invite Tania & that would be okay.
WIBTJ if I only invited David to our wedding when all my other cousin’s partners are invited?”
Another User Comments:
“You would not be the jerk at all here. “Should we invite this person who obviously hates us, judges us, insults us, and thinks we’re going to rot because of who we are?” Cmon now.
It’s your day and the stress of her being there will WAY overshadow any fallout you get from family from her absence. Alternatively, you could make the entire day gay AF, like over-the-top crazy with as many digs as possible to small-minded bigots who are probably in the closet anyway, but that’s a bad idea and you shouldn’t do that.” BetweenWeebandOtaku
Another User Comments:
” You were able to be at David’s wedding where the vows were openly against you and rude guests came up to you and your sister and you managed to rise above and be a gracious guest and support your cousin. I think if you give David a heads up so he knows what is coming with the invitation.
You and Sam deserve to have the wedding you want and be surrounded by the people you want. I think you are again being gracious by including David after he basically called you out in a negative way at his wedding. I hope if David comes he comes with an open heart.
You would not be the jerk. Congratulations and wishing you and Sam much happiness.” travelkmac
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But David has very clearly sided with his wife and shares her beliefs. The person you grew up with doesn’t exist anymore. The fact that David couldn’t be bothered to RSVP at all?
Not even to make up some white lie, he made his mother do it for him. It’s disrespectful and it shows that he is the problem here. It’s hard to deal with, and it hurts, but it’s reality. The fact is, there’s probably no “good” reason to only invite David, and both David and Tania would probably make a scene of some form.
Not inviting Tania would end in “Oh but my wife wasn’t invited, what kind of person doesn’t invite their cousin’s wife”. Having Tania there would just result in the overt nonsense she spews. For your own sake, don’t invite either of them.” Natural_Garbage7674
9. AITJ For Wanting To Ask For My Money Back A Year After Loaning It To An Online Acquaintance?
“I (30sF) am part of an international community on IG that covers one ‘genre’ of current affairs; it was my actual profession a decade ago, but now I do it as a hobby. In 2022, I became acquainted with a woman (also 30sF) in this community who lives on a different continent (neither of us is in the US).
We share many of the same views and perspectives, but she takes it more seriously and has over 20K followers because she genuinely has good content that she publishes on both IG and her paid Substack.
July 29 or 30, 2022: She posted on IG Stories that she had a health issue, which left her with a $500 bill.
She appealed to her followers to donate to a ko-fi link so that she could pay it off.
July 31, 2022: She had (apparently) only received $150, and again posted the ko-fi link with another plea for help, even asking for the remaining $350 outright as a loan. I felt bad for her, and even though I knew deep down that I was going against my better judgment, I offered to loan her the money and did so via PayPal. She thanked me several times, and promised to pay me back on **Aug 17**.
And… welp.
Aug 1 – Nov 20, 2022: She asked for extensions and more money. Every time she DMed to apologize and give excuses for not being able to pay me back, she would also ask for another $25, $50, even $100, so that she could get food, anxiety meds, or travel to “see her family”; it didn’t help that I myself encountered some financial setbacks between Sept and Jan 2023, but I was able to put a stop to it at the $525 mark, even rounding down her debt to $500.
Silence, and then…
Feb 20 this year: She DMed with yet more apologies and excuses, telling me how I “saved her life”, how much it bothers her that she has still not paid me back, and how she would “find a way” to “repay my kindness”.
I was honest and told her that the way she was handling this was really troubling me, but I doubt she cared. Fortunately, I’m not living hand to mouth so I can still hold out for the money, but as far as I can tell, she has an actual job, plus her Substack subscription, so I can’t imagine how she hasn’t been able to cough up $500 over the last 365 days.
Meanwhile, she is posting on IG like nothing has happened; we both follow many of the same accounts in this community, so to see said accounts sharing her content and Substack posts and speaking so highly of her has made me feel increasingly like I had been taken for a ride.
I don’t want to think the worst of her, but it will be my word against hers.
I have never asked her point-blank to pay me back, but with the anniversary of this mistake looming, I’m beginning to feel inclined to do so.
I know I’ll be met with more excuses, maybe even accusations of kicking her when she’s down, but I can’t shake off this feeling of resentment and humiliation.
WIBTJ if I ask for my money back, since it’s been a year and about time?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but this was a $525 lesson in never to loan money that you need back. She’s had it for a year, and she thinks thanking you for your “kindness” is enough – because in her mind, “kindness” = “gift”, not “loan”. Let her and the money go, and don’t do anything like this again with money you expect back.” Straight-Singer-2912
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you loaned your money to her with the expectation of being paid back. She took advantage of you and lied to you. You have every right to ask for your money back, and you should not let her get away with this.” Selena_Kardashian
8. AITJ For Trying To Protect My Team From A Bully?
‘I (14F) am in a team sport, and this entire dilemma is situated around ‘Liam’, 11M we’ll call him. He is not a pleasant person. He has been brought up in a very sexist view. He says his dad tells him that women are inferior.
He also likes to bully the younger girls and make them cry. I, as the team captain have to stand up for them and I have never backed down from his ‘attempts at domination’. He as only been an angel in front of ‘Penny’, The head coach and head of the club, who has a tendency to comment on our bodies and eating habits, and treats the few boys in our sport very differently to the girls.
This year, at our annual camp, I was put in a room with three of my friends. Liam was put into another with three young girls and an adult. Turns out that our rooms and two others were grouped into the same cabin. There were no doors, only a door frame because the ways didn’t reach up to the ceiling, and Liam’s room faced right into ours.
Immediately he claimed a top bunk and started spying over the door frame into our rooms. The other girls hadn’t realized and started changing. Someone then found out that Liam was in the same cabin, to which he responded “So what? I don’t care” in a creepy way while still peeping over the door frame at girls who were obviously uncomfortable and trying to hide and cover each other up.
After that, he started being a nuisance. Flashing lights into eyes, literally snarling at a 9 y/o for having a pink sleeping bag until she started sobbing, walking into other girls’ rooms while they yelled at him to get out. At this point, we started putting towels over the door frames to have some privacy until Penny found out and made us take the towels off.
This gave Liam the idea that he could keep being invasive. It got so much that we started discussing ways to feel safer in our cabins. Then after dinner that first day Penny cornered me with two other coaches and said, “We have to talk”.
They grilled me for an hour about “why I thought it was reasonable to put a towel over the door frame”, “if I would like it if someone talked behind my back about me”, and “as a team captain I should know better because we should help the boys feel included”.
They didn’t even give me a chance to talk until I cried and was given five minutes to explain myself. I tried to tell them about all of the things he had done, to which they would say “Honey, boys will be boys” and “he’s allowed to act that way”.
After that, they wouldn’t stop shaking their heads and looking disappointed. I felt bad that I had been “gossiping” about him because as the captain I thought I had been fostering a positive environment but apparently not. The way that the two other coaches yelled at me had me really questioning my self-worth.”
Another User Comments:
“Holy smokes dude, this kid is being aggressive and they are just excusing it as boys will be boys?!?! Penny is clearly not someone who should be trusted with kids/teens, and this whole thing reeks of inappropriate culture. Penny and Liam may think they can intimidate you, but what if ALL the girls stood up against this?
It’s one million percent inappropriate. If my daughter told me this was happening I’d be hauling the people in charge over so many hot coals! Sorry for my big reaction, I’m just so totally disgusted. NTJ.” Lilly08
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. I’m not a parent, and I’m still utterly outraged at anyone thinking it is in any way acceptable for a teenage boy to be ogling young girls in this way.
WELL DONE for protecting your teammates, and speaking out, please stand your ground. Make a noise. Complain to whatever organization this team is part of/governing body, school whatever.” TeenySod
Another User Comments:
“The kid is 11 so it’s hard to be mad at him especially since every adult around is validating him.
But definitely NTJ and holy smokes what kind of adult supervision is that? You are getting yelled at because you are doing the job they are refusing to do themselves. 3 adult supervisors and a 14-year-old kid do not talk it is intimidation. Is Luam the son of someone important or something?
This situation is so messed up. Good job, team captain, but yeah Liam isn’t the problem those adults are.” DivergingParallelism
7. AITJ For Not Wanting To Live With My Mom's Partner If They Get Married?
“I (16F) have divorced parents since I was 11. None of them have my custody judicially, but I spend one week with my dad and one week with my mom.
I do therapy, but I have tendencies to vent to my father sometimes. My mom started seeing someone 2 years ago. He visits my mom constantly since they don’t live together.
One day I was with my mom in the kitchen, and I asked my mom if she wanted to marry her partner, and her positive answer came almost immediately.
I was a little shocked, but I decided to not go deep into the subject. My father came to pick me up at therapy, and we started chatting. He asked me a lot about my mom (how she was, how was our relationship, etc.) Eventually, I told him about my Mom wanting to marry her partner, along with my opinion about it: I wouldn’t like to live in a shared house with a man that I barely knew (My mom never really told me anything about him, and I don’t know the rest of his family as well.).
I made my father promise me that he wouldn’t mention what I said to him near my mom since I wasn’t ready to have this talk with her yet. Some days passed, and eventually, I went to my mom’s house again to spend the week.
When I arrived there, my mom had a furious look on her face. She started to scream at me, saying that I was selfish and ignorant about her emotions and feelings. When I asked her what happened, she told me that my father called her the other day, saying that he “wouldn’t allow my mom to marry the guy if that meant he would live there.”
I was shocked and angry at the same time, but I remained calm and explained to my mom that my father had nothing to do with this, and I was the one that started this conversation with him. I explained to my mother that Yes – I wasn’t comfortable with him living with us, sharing the same house with us 24/7.
I also told her that while I, of course, wouldn’t simply forbid her to marry, I also told her that If she married him, I would like to just visit her on some weekends, and start to live with my dad. She hasn’t say anything throughout my explanation, but when I finished, she said that I wasn’t going to live with my dad, and if she married her partner, I would just have to deal with It.
She told me that my opinion didn’t matter because it was Her life. I tried to explain to her that yes, it may be her life, but the house is ours. I also live there, and I think that my opinion matters. She hasn’t talked to me since, and when I try to talk to her, she usually just stares at me.
I don’t know if I’m wrong here. While I believe that I shouldn’t submit myself to an uncomfortable situation, I also believe that she should try to understand my side more. So, AITJ? Advice is highly appreciated!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I could be wrong but I suspect at 16 it is actually up to you which parent to live with, and that your mom can’t stop you from choosing to live with your father almost full time.
It also sounds like she hasn’t done a good job of introducing you to or having you get to know her partner. 2 years is a decently long time but you say you barely know the guy, which is definitely a problem.” poeadam
Another User Comments:
“NTJ you’re not wrong. And she can’t force you to live with her – you’re 16 and you get to decide. You should be your mother’s first priority. I got divorced when my daughter was 17, and I did date a lot, but never brought anyone home.
I didn’t start bringing men to my house until she moved out after she was 21! Teen girls do not need to be living around weird men they don’t know.” JenninMiami
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! As a mom, it’s her job to make sure her child is safe and comfortable in her own home.
You have a right to address how you feel when it comes to a random man potentially invading your space. If she ever thought she wanted to marry him, she should’ve introduced the two of you properly and allowed a relationship to blossom (if that’s what YOU wanted).
While her living her life shouldn’t be put on hold, you as her child come first. If she doesn’t agree with that, then she should just let you make your own decision; in which you’ve chosen to move with your dad should she marry the partner.” Dont_Care0713
6. AITJ For Refusing To Go To My Sister's Birthday After Feeling Neglected By My Dad?
“My dad (73m) and my mom (50f) haven’t been together since before my (15) birth. My dad would originally take the initiative to frequently pick me up but over the years that decreased until he wouldn’t contact me until I contacted him first which has led to us being minimal contact for two years.
Friday, he called me and offered to pick me up. I accepted and he said “You’ll also be seeing a few of your sisters” which I was fine with. The pick-up time is 11:30. Everything that follows is direct copy pasted from the texts sent between us.
Dad:” Hi sweetheart. I’m running a little late okay? I will be there within an hour if you care to wait. Trying to get stuff ready for your sister’s birthday today. Love you call you in a few”
Me: “Alright”
Dad: “Thank you, baby”
(Until that point I didn’t know that I was called to go to a birthday party for S who was turning 8)
Me: “Yeah I don’t think I’m gonna be going today. I’m kind of not happy at all and I wouldn’t wanna dampen the mood”
Dad: “I’m sorry”
Me: “ok”
Dad: “Did you ever think it might lift your mood? Love you and miss you was excited to see you today.
Does that mean you’re still coming?”
Me: “No, I’m not going because this will not lift my mood. What I think you’re not understanding is that I thought that this would just be a chance for me to hang out with you and my sisters, not to go to a birthday party.
I’m kind of tired of always being a second thought to you and don’t think it’s very fair that you’re contacting me just to go to someone else’s birthday when you couldn’t even be bothered with mine other than a text”
Dad: “Oh I get it.
I thought that it would be good for both. Would love to reschedule if that’s okay with you. They won’t be here but a few hours today anyway but I will have them next weekend. And you are not a second thought honey. The girls are always asking about you and wanting to see you just like I am.
Sorry you don’t understand. Was hoping this outing could be A New Beginning so that we can start being around each other more. I understand your frustrations and I’m sorry you feel that way. Let me know if you want to come next weekend.”
Me: “It’s not about the girls and it’s not about me not understanding something.
It’s YOU making the active choice to not be in my life unless it’s for someone else. It’s never because you want to see me. It’s never because you want to be an actual father to me and not just someone who’s only in my life once a year.
I have grown so much without you in the past year that you haven’t seen because? Do you have other kids? You’re too old to remember? I feel this way not on my own accord but because you make me feel this way and because you have essentially left me fatherless.
Take accountability for your actions and the effect that you’ve had on me for me to even consider a relationship with you again”
Dad: “Okay”
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are not the jerk for setting boundaries and asking him to take accountability for his actions.
Your dad is the jerk for neglecting you and only contacting you when it suits him. You should do what is best for you and your mental health, and seek support from other people who care about you and respect you.” DannSteeler
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, just a sad situation all around. You’re a teenager who feels their dad doesn’t care about them, many of his actions certainly point that way, but then again as an outsider, I think the way he’s talking to you sounds like he does.
I’m not ready to call you a jerk over voicing your disappointment. However, in this specific situation, I don’t think he sounds like a jerk either. I’m trying to ignore the ick factor of someone who keeps impregnating women at 60+ knowing that even if he tried being the best father in the world, odds are he won’t be there for long.
I think that’s selfish but of course, it takes two (or actually more than two people, seeing as you have younger half-sisters by other mothers).” RiverSong_777
5. AITJ For Wanting To Kick Out My Housemate's Ungrateful, Freeloading Partner?
“Before I delve into the details, a brief introduction: My housemate (Housemate) and I have been sharing a living space for more than a year.
Prior to that, we had been acquainted as good friends for a couple of years. When my previous long-term housemate moved out, my housemate approached me about the possibility of moving in with me. We had been living together for about half a year when my housemate asked if I would allow their long-distance partner (Partner) to move in with us from abroad.
I agreed.
But, after Partner moved in, things started to go wrong almost right away. Partner spends most of his time in his room, sleeping or playing video games. When outside the confines of his room, he actively ignores me – even when we’re occupying the same shared space.
It’s not uncommon for me to wish him a good morning whilst standing five feet apart in the kitchen, only for him to ignore me and push past coffee-in-hand. Since I opened my home to him, he’s never once shown an ounce of gratitude for it – or for anything really.
Despite living completely rent-free, nothing is good enough. Even when there’s nothing to complain about, he never offers a thank-you, or anything in the way of gratitude.
Since he isn’t working, I asked that Partner contribute between an hour and two hours each day to chores; marginally more than what Housemate and I are already doing on top of our full-time jobs.
Initially, this was agreed to, but now he complains about any chore you give him, or pulls out the old excuse of “I’ll get to it later”; Three days later and the shower is still a mess, or the kitchen sink is piled high with dishes – and I end up doing them myself.
Since he’s moved in, the house is always a mess!
I feel like the parent of some stroppy teen I can’t control. This man lives in my house, eats my food, uses my utilities – never gives a word of thanks, or lifts a finger to help out, and is downright rude when approached. He contributes nothing and makes me feel unwelcome in my own home.
I want him out. I spoke with a mutual friend of mine and a housemate (Mutual Friend) about the situation and told her my intentions. She told me I’d be a jerk if I went through with it since both of us know that my housemate would lack the savings and income needed to financially support both Partner and themselves while paying rent on a place of their own.
They told me that by giving them this ultimatum I’d be making Housemate choose between sending Partner back to his home country, and homelessness. While I was fairly certain that I was in the right, everything that Mutual Friend said to me was true. I know that whatever decision the housemate makes will likely result in the Partner ending up homeless.
As much as I don’t want to see anyone end up on the streets, I still feel like I’m at my wit’s end here. So, Idk – WIBTJ if I told my housemate that either his partner goes, or they both do?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ It is ridiculous that he isn’t paying rent. If he had offered to do all the housework in exchange for rent until he got a job it would be understandable but he is just making your home uncomfortable without contributing in any way.
It’s time for him to go” ghjkl098
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ if you did. This needs to be effectively communicated. Expect it to be all your fault and for your housemate and Partner to react badly. Consult an attorney about how to get them evicted. Partner is a leech and will likely try anything he can to stay in his cozy new place.
Good luck.” grckalck
Another User Comments:
“NTJ He is staying as your housemate ‘guest’ he is not a housemate himself. Both of you have to be happy with anyone who stays there and if you are not then he needs to go. He is not paying for or contributing to any aspect of the house as it stands.
He is being rude and disrespectful to you in your own home not in his. If your Housemate can’t support both of them if they move out then that’s their problem, not yours. If he can’t work due to visa restrictions then he should have brought enough with him to support himself.
If he is allowed to work then he needs to stop being lazy and get a job. Either way, you shouldn’t have to contribute to him being there. To be honest I would start looking for another housemate as it sounds as though this relationship is going to go south over this situation.” sjw_7
4. AITJ For Not Attending My Brother's Destination Wedding Due To Financial And Family Issues?
“Am I [31 M] the jerk for deciding not to go to my Brother’s [35 M] destination wedding in Italy this fall? Let me start off by saying I love my brother, I have no issues with that guy whatsoever. We’ve traveled together in the past when my finances have allowed me.
Unfortunately, at this point in my life, things are different. I have very little money to spare, I work at a restaurant and go to school which takes hours of my time daily. I never took school seriously before now. I’m finally able to control my ADHD and really focus on a career path to better my life.
Exciting, I know.
Now brings me to the wedding, I just told my brother that my partner and I are unable to attend for financial reasons and he got really upset. I explained that attending the wedding would mean the difference in emptying our savings.
If we go that’s plane tickets, lodging, dog-sitter, food, transportation, etc. He advised me to have our mom pay for my entire trip and “suck it up” and have my partner stay home and watch the dogs. Problem solved, right? Wrong. Money from our mother comes with an entanglement of strings attached not to mention I had no contact with her for a number of years, we’ve recently started talking again but I know that was a mistake because her controlling and enmeshed ways haven’t changed. So that option, mentally and emotionally won’t work for me.
I’ve been in therapy for years to try and undo some of that trauma – no way am I going to backpedal when I’m finally making strides forward. Furthermore, my father and his partner will be there. He was absent our whole lives so I really don’t understand why he was even invited, but he was.
My relationship with my father is fractured to say the least. I’ve attempted to get to know him in the past but his business and partners have always and will always come first. I have no contact with him.
There are many moving parts to my decision, finances being the most obvious with sour familial relations being the icing on the cake.
This decision hurts him, I know, and that’s the last thing I want but am I supposed to make these sacrifices to attend his destination wedding? If I was a priority in attendance I wish he would have spoken to me before making this choice.
I would have told him my hang-ups with finances, my demanding school program, and our parents- I think he is in denial about the reality of our family affairs. I told him when we have money we would love to go on a vacation with them and get a chance to spend quality time together.
Because again, I love that guy! This wasn’t an easy decision. He is so upset and “disappointed” in me. So, AITJ? (Also, for the record I don’t think he’s the jerk either way) Maybe neither of us are the jerk – maybe this situation just sucks.
Thank you for sticking with me through my ramblings!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Anybody who plans destination weddings takes the chance that some people simply will not be able to attend. That’s fair, couples can get married wherever they want (within legal limits, of course).
Trying to force people to attend makes them the jerk.” Revo63
Another User Comments:
“Your brother sounds like he takes after his mom a bit. He is being manipulative by telling you to “get mom to pay for the trip”, “Have your partner stay home and take care of the dogs”, & I’m disappointed in you”.
Every one of those is manipulative in trying to control the situation to go as he wants. You don’t have the funds to go, plain and simple. You’re NTJ. Your brother on the other hand is being one by how he is going about things.
He chose to have a destination wedding. That was a decision he made knowing darn well that people he wants to come, not all will be able to. People have lives to live and bills to pay.” Dry_Dragonfruit_4191
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I had a destination wedding.
We knew it was asking a lot, so we kept it to just immediate family and a couple of close friends. Because it was small, my wife and I were able to pay for the villa we all stayed in, breakfasts, dinners, booze, and local transportation.
If your brother really wants you to go, he should offer to offset your costs to something that is realistic and affordable to you.” East_Relationship722
3. AITJ For Expecting My Husband To Confront His Parents About Their Influence On Our Children?
“My in-laws are challenging. They’re nice enough, but very old-fashioned – not all in a bad way, but they are very traditional and tend to ignore boundaries.
My SO is non-confrontational and does not ever challenge them.
Sunday, my in-laws come over. FIL proceeds to tell us a story about when they took our kids canoeing a few weeks ago. It was my in-laws, my sister-in-law and her husband and daughter, and my two boys.
My SIL’s husband made a comment of “Well, we don’t plan to get super wet,” speaking of him and my SIL. My FIL continued to explain how he purposely “paddled too hard” so as to splash them and then proceeded to tell me how he told MY SON to go over and tip them.
My son said, “I don’t think I should,” to which my FIL pressured him into tipping their canoe, saying “Yes you should, we don’t canoe to stay dry.”
As soon as he said it, I saw red. I got up, went inside, and looked at my husband with a, “Please address this,” look.
I then had a conversation with my son about how it’s always okay to push back when something doesn’t feel right and to flat-out say “No!” to anyone who is pressuring him to do anything that makes him feel uncomfortable. We talked about consent and boundaries – such important topics for boys (and anyone!)
My husband completely ignored me and the situation (this is how badly he hates conflict – he will literally let someone bully my kid into doing something bad and not say a word because it’s “uncomfortable.” I kept quiet because I had asked him to stand up to his parents before – more about that in a minute.
Last night, hubs finally asked me if he did something wrong. I responded with, “No, and that’s the bigger problem. You completely ignored what happened.” He knew exactly what I was talking about and said to me, “I don’t like confrontation.”
Like – so you let someone bully your kid into bad behavior because you don’t like confrontation??
C’mon. It didn’t turn into a big fight. I told him how I felt and got quiet. I’m not going to yell about it. This is a HUGE deal to me and he knows it. He NEVER confronts his dad’s bad behavior.
Ever. I have listened to his father bad mouth me over the phone for over an hour and my husband never said a thing. Okay, fine. That’s me, I’m a big girl. But when it impacts my kids – nope. Totally different story.
I totally get that tipping a canoe is NOT a huge deal and is largely part of the fun. However, they SAID THEY DID NOT WANT TO GET REALLY WET and my son heard that and tried to respect it. He was told to ignore it.
That is the problem. Raising a decent human is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m not about to let his dad mess it up. Sorry, this is so long. I’m sad. I’m hurt. If I am crazy, I’ll own it.
Am I the jerk for wanting my husband to support me in parenting and not wanting my kids to be around people like my in-laws?”
Another User Comments:
“Your husband needs to work on his spine. He’s a parent, parents sometimes need to do uncomfortable things to keep their kids safe/healthy/on the right track.
Period. For now, you’re going to have to be the one who speaks up but I’d give it a timeline for him to get his act together, attend therapy, or whatever it takes to be a dad and a partner. NTJ.” sliverofoptimism
Another User Comments:
“I packed my sons up from a Thanksgiving trip to my FIL’s cabin and left my husband 5 hours from home because he wasn’t protecting our kids from the verbal tirade that was his father. That was just before he started punching walls, then everyone else.
My husband was like y’all go outside, I said screw you, there’s bears, there really was. We’d all been watching them that morning. Collected our kids our bags, and drove away. I told him he could get in, but he’d need to grab his balls.
I handled it my way. I was the only woman after that my FIL respected, and guess what, he was suddenly able to control his temper and abusive ways.” Anteater3100
Another User Comments:
“NTJ thank goodness your sons have you to teach them when others fail them in this extremely important life lesson.
I understand the challenge of having a partner who isn’t good with setting their own boundaries with their parent. These types of parents want it that way and raise their kids to be obedient. I suspect that’s why your husband chose someone like you as a partner who can voice things and not be fearful.
Regardless of your husband having a hard time with confrontation on his own behalf he really needs to step up here when it involves his sons any bad influence on their behavior or upbringing. I hope you can have another chat with him that gets you both on the same parenting path because it doesn’t seem like he’s quite on board.” angrydoge3000
2. AITJ For Wanting To Go To The Cinema While My Partner Watches Our Baby?
“So me (23f) and my partner (28m) had our baby just under 8 months ago. As a bit of a background, my partner really hurt his back 2 months before I gave birth which obviously wasn’t ideal because he wasn’t able to do much.
He’s still saying now nearly 10 months on that his back still really bothers him and struggles to do some basic tasks.
But in the main situation, my partner doesn’t like the cinema whereas I love it and before being with him I went at least twice a month.
In our whole relationship (3 1/2 years) I’ve not once gone to the cinema but that’s been okay with me I’m not going to force him to do something he doesn’t like. But there’s a film that’s coming out that I REALLY want to see and I want the full experience of the cinema.
My partner works and I’m a SAHM until I start my job in September. But to be very clear on something all my partner does is go to work, I look after our child and do all of the housework he doesn’t do any of it.
I of course really appreciate that he goes to work and earns the majority of our income. I’m very grateful that he’s willing to give up his time with our child to go to work to support us. But even on his days off I do the majority of looking after our daughter and still do all her feeds (she’s bottle fed), change her nappies, feed her food, put her to bed, etc, and still do all the housework.
I told my partner a while ago I was going to see this movie with my brother and when I told him a couple of nights ago I was going to see it on Saturday evening he instantly went in a bad mood because he’s working so when he gets back he’ll need to play with her for about 45 mins and then put her to bed.
This morning he brought it up that he wasn’t happy with having to put our daughter to bed after being at work all day when he’ll be in pain and hurting. He said I was being selfish and had tunnel vision for expecting him to do that with a bad back.
He also said that this is what he gets in return for going out and working to support us so I can stay home all day playing with our child and taking her places. I get very very fortunate to have this time with her but most of the time it’s not easy!!
I also want to make it very clear that not once have I gone out on an evening and left him at home with her. Not. Once. I’m literally going to be gone for 3 hours. I do feel bad because he’s got a bad back but I feel like he thinks it just affects him when in reality I’m the one doing a lot of extra things that he can’t.
But he’s really annoyed me off saying I’m selfish for wanting to go to the cinema once. I never have time to just be me instead of only being a mom. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Men that are so selfish they are not lifting a finger because they earn the butter are selfish ignorant babies.
He chose to have a baby – it follows with responsibilities. He needs to learn this. Otherwise, you will end up miserable in the long run. He takes everything for granted and that is not ok. 45 minutes plus putting her to sleep is nothing. NTJ But you really need to think through if this is how you want things around in your family.
Guess who will end up doing all the housework when you get back to a job as well…” SkurkDKDKDK
Another User Comments:
“Oh lord. NTJ. Your husband is manipulating you. Being a SAHM is also a job, and he is very disrespectful pretending you just play around all day.
He should 10000% be helping 50/50 on weekends and after work. He is getting a free live-in nanny and maid. Is he actively getting treatment for his back? Did his doctor tell him exactly what is wrong and what he could and couldn’t do? He is okay working all day with his back issues but not taking care of his daughter for 45 minutes?
If his back really stops him from doing any housework or child care he should pay for a cleaner or child care to help take the burden off you. You are being taken advantage of. He is doing the bare minimum. Please fight for yourself and demand more for yourself.
I feel really bad for you reading your post and how you’re buying into his BS.” itwillneverbefar
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I mean, I’ve certainly gone through periods where my pain was so bad that all I could do was go to work, come home, and go straight to bed. But I don’t have a kid and a partner who’s responsible for that kid 24/7 with no breaks.
If he’s physically unable to give you a break for a couple of hours, he should be brainstorming ways to find someone to look after the baby while you have an evening off.” countesspetofi
1. AITJ For Arguing With My Partner Because She's Hanging Out With My Brother's Ex?
“A few years ago my brother left home to visit and stay with family in another state, some things happened and he left a short while after to stay with our father who lives in another state.
After about 2 years of no contact, he suddenly showed up at my apartment and I had no choice as my mother and he told me to let him in with his partner at the time.
I didn’t like her, but kept my nose out of it I had to leave the apartment because despite my best attempts they had let themselves in and my lease didn’t allow that.
We found a small house later on before my lease was up and found out that my brother’s partner was pregnant after I reconnected with an old HS friend and we started seeing each other, we had our ups and downs, one of which I understand because I helped my EX move from one place to another because her then partner was abusive, so I offered my help.
We got into an argument and thought that we left that behind us, a couple of weeks later my brother’s now Wife, was unfaithful to him 3 days into working at a popular retail store. After this my brother went into a deep depression as he had to take care of his 2 children at the time but couldn’t, so our mother did.
He left awhile after feeling more depressed but later got out of it until his STBX wife said she was pregnant with her lover’s child, around this point I dropped her because I care very little for unfaithful people, her affair partner was a piece of work.
This went on for a while with my partner falling in and out of contact with my brother’s STBX wife.
Until a few days ago where out of nowhere she and her ex-wife ( now divorced from my brother) started talking again and hanging out, at first I was fine until I remembered she is still with the man she was unfaithful to my brother with.
I told her I could talk to him but I did not trust him at all, she said something similar to this, “I X was at the laundry mat with him and the kids and it took a while, if you think anything funny is going on then you’re overthinking it”
Followed by when I said I just don’t trust him, “That’s not what I meant but fine, I’m not gonna hold the past over people because people do that to me and I don’t care if you don’t trust him, I’m making my own decisions.”
Followed by, “Just like you like helping people and like keeping them safe, I’m a people person and I don’t care that you don’t trust him, I’m doing it for me and no one else, I’m a people person and getting to know them is how you make”
I said, “Since you don’t care about my feelings on this, I’m not going to care about yours if or when this blows up in your face, I will not be your emotional support when you want to hang around my brothers EX and her BF”
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You can tell a lot about people by who they choose to hang around with and her wanting to maintain a friendship with an unfaithful person (especially one whose actions had a serious impact on you and your brother’s lives) is a really bad sign.
She’s a “people person” but does that mean she has no standards? She doesn’t hold the infidelity against her friend since it is “in the past”? I don’t even know what to say, she clearly doesn’t care much about your feelings and tacitly supports infidelity.
Not sure how you can really maintain trust with someone like that, I’d probably walk away before it blows up in your face.” Azeerin
