People Wonder If They're The Guilty Party In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
19. AITJ For Telling My Brother's Fiancee That Her Kid Is The Reason She Doesn't Have A Degree?
“My (f24) brother Adam (m30) met a single mom (f32), from Latin origins ‘Michelle’ a year ago, and they recently got engaged.
We only met her a few times, but he brought her and her son over for dinner on Sunday. To be quite honest, the family and I didn’t know much about her, so after dinner, we started talking to her about her personal life. She told us she has only a high school education/degree.
She said she always wanted to go to college and obtain a degree but said that “it was so hard to do.”
I found that a bit cliche, especially after she started complaining about a lack of opportunities and resources. I told her I disagreed because colleges give all kinds of opportunities and scholarships and that the real reason she couldn’t go to college was because of the fact that she was a mom and had to raise a kid.
She stared at me silently looking offended then asked if I was implying that her decision to be a mom ruined her opportunities. I told her only she could answer this question once she takes a look at her life and sees if she’s really happy where she is versus where she could’ve been without the whole struggling mom thing.
She got upset and told me that she’s happy with her life and her job at the salon and said that she did not appreciate how judgemental and condescending I was towards her and her child.
Adam heard the commotion and asked what was going on. She told him, and he decided it was time to leave.
She couldn’t even wait or say goodbye; she took her son and went to wait in the car.
Adam chewed me out saying it was none of my business how she’s living her life, but I explained that I was stating an opinion, nothing more nothing less. Mom sided with them saying I was out of line rude and ridiculous, but my younger sister said that Michelle was being too sensitive and that she should get over herself already.
Adam left and then mom called him in the evening the next day then came into my room to yell at me saying I made Michelle cry with what I said.
Now my mom wants me to apologize, but I’m not sure whether I was out of line here.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Your whole mindset is kinda just a walking jerk.
You meet someone. This person tells you about their life because y’all are asking questions about things you don’t know. You decide that you know what actually happened (which is hilarious because 30 minutes before, you were in the dark). You decide to tell this person that they’re wrong. They ask you a direct question to clarify that you meant what you said.
You reply, “That’s not technically what I said; it’s just what you’re taking away from my words.” They tell you that in fact, that was their lived experience, and it does not detract from their current life. You decide to triple down on being an inconsiderate jerk and literally admit that you’re just spreading your crappy options?
“… but I explained that I was stating an opinion, nothing more nothing less.” Do you not understand that you’re the jerk precisely because of your choice to spread this opinion? It’s an opinion that no one asked for. And then when they did freaking ask for it, you chose to be a coward and try to blame it on the person you’re bullying?
“I found that a bit cliche.” You found someone else’s personal struggles to be cliche? Sheeeeeeeeesh, you have a cold frigid heart.” PearSwindle
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You were condescending, judgmental, and rude.
“Being honest” doesn’t excuse any of that, and not every opinion needs to be expressed.
And, news flash, a person can simultaneously be glad they had their child and frustrated or regretful that it makes some other important things harder.
You could have said some encouraging “it’s never too late” things, which has the advantage of being truthful without being mean. Or you could have not said anything about it because, see above, not every opinion needs to be expressed.
Also, you led with the fact she’s Latina, and I read through the rest of your post waiting to see why that was relevant.
It wasn’t, at any point. Why did you think it was important to mention? There’s one obvious reason, and that doesn’t reflect well on you, either.” Ornery-Ad-4818
18. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For My Daughter's College Unless She Has A Relationship With My Family?
“I (38M) have a 19-year-old daughter Ariel with my ex-wife Lauren (39F). We had Ariel too young, and it was a huge struggle. We moved into Lauren’s family’s place. I was working multiple jobs. Lauren and I were best friends through all this. But things ended when Ariel was 2. Lauren’s friend Tori (38F) told me that Lauren had been messaging guys, and when they went out, she would give out her number.
I checked Lauren’s phone and found it. I asked for a divorce, and Lauren was angry and wanted to reconcile. I didn’t and got split custody.
Lauren made my life miserable. Lauren badmouthed me, would miss pickup times, and make decisions without talking to me. Her dad offered payment to relinquish custody; I told him off.
Ariel is now 19 and just started college. The deal was that her mom and I would split it.
I remarried Tori when Ariel was 6. Tori was a rock during the divorce, but we didn’t officially see each other till 2 years later. Lauren used this to warp Ariel against Tori and our son (13M). She excludes them.
Whenever Ariel spends the night, she will just talk to me or go to her room if my family was around. Our son walks to the basement if she comes over. It hurts me a lot. I’ve spent thousands on therapy, before people bring that up. It still is being utilized. But at this point, Ariel is being nasty for the sake of it.
Her mom has convinced her I had an affair on her with her friend and had a baby, which is funny because as I’ve pointed out, the timelines don’t even match up. I’ve done everything at this point including family time and 1 on 1 therapy. Ariel is plain rude to them, and they are done trying.
Ariel graduated from high school in May and hosted a party. I was invited, but my family wasn’t. I told Ariel I found that disrespectful. So I’d send a card but wouldn’t be going. She didn’t care, and we haven’t spoken since.
I get a call from Lauren saying she paid for the first semester of her college and was wondering when I’d be paying.
I said I was no longer paying as I’m not pulling a dime out of my household when Ariel is disrespectful to 2/3rds of it. My ex went off saying we had an agreement. I reminded her of when her dad tried to buy my custody. And said, “You have what you’ve always wanted. Full control and custody.
You won. So figure it out.” Then texted her that I’ve been putting up with this long enough. She got her 18 years of child support from me. So until she planned on setting the record straight that I was done with both of them. And blocked her.
I called Ariel and told her the same.
Gave the reasons I’m not paying and told her she needed to look into loans. But I would pay for college if she at least tried to form a bond with my family because she created this situation with her attitude. So if she wants my help, she needs to attempt it. She started crying.
But I didn’t fall for it. Told her what my expectations were and to let me know what her plan is, so I can move the funds around. My wife is on my side here, saying we’ve been the bad guys for long enough. But I’m getting crap from others. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Lots of horrible behavior to go around. I want to focus on why you are a jerk, however, since you seem to think you aren’t being a jerk. To be totally clear: you have deliberately and voluntarily chosen to be a jerk.
Ariel deserves some blame, but not as much as you want to heap on her as she has only just reached (legal) adulthood, and you have clearly failed as a parent for a long time.
You should have set and enforced expectations for how Ariel treats her stepfamily (civility required, “bonding” not required) a long time ago. You didn’t, and now you are punishing Ariel for your failures.
It’s transparently obvious that you have been planning this college funding stunt as revenge for years. You never gave any indication that you were considering going back on your agreement, either to Lauren or more importantly to Ariel.
Perhaps if you’d indicated that civil behavior to your family was a requirement of college funding, you’d have gotten civil behavior from Ariel much earlier. You didn’t, though, because you wanted to be able to pull this stunt.
Wow. After writing all that, I’m almost ready to give you a solo YTJ since you planned this crap.
Ariel may be a jerk, but she’s by far the least culpable of all the parties in this crap show because she’s had exactly zero adults to teach her how not to be a jerk.” lolifax
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because you waited until Ariel was paying for school to spring this on her.
If her having a relationship with your family was a stipulation for college funds, that should have been made clear at some point BEFORE college was about to start.
I’m also a little sick of the ‘her mom poisoned her mind’ narrative; for her to believe her mother, then you had to have not shown up a lot and been a less-than-hands-on dad because, let’s be fair, from the start of this post, you make clear she was a mistake and a struggle.
I would say ESH – but considering the fact that your daughter is the same age you were when you had her, and you start the post by talking about mistakes you made when you were her age, you would understand that youth is not equal to perspective, and maybe not take your frustration with the situation out on her by damaging her future prospects.” DenizenKay
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your adult offspring are entitled to nothing. Ariel can take out a loan or go to community college on her mom’s dime. Unfortunately, your daughter is highly toxic, and that won’t change. I hope you can work things out with your son, but honestly, I wouldn’t invite Ariel over unless she can behave herself.
She’s an adult; it’s time to act like one.” KarateKid72
Ultimately it'd your daughter's decision to be an thingy or not. She's made it quite clear her only motive to stay in contact with you I'd thingy but try to make it clear you won't pay but would like to have dinner or something away from your home. There is a good chance life will smack her in the face and she will start to open her eyes that things are rarely one sided and she would be open to talk to you as two adults. Her mom got what she wanted and so did the daughter.
17. AITJ For Kicking My Sister Out Of The House For Bringing Home Gluten?
Respect is a two-way street.
“My daughter is on the more severe end of celiac. ANY cross-contamination would set her back for weeks.
It has taken us years to get her properly diagnosed and treated, and at 10 years old, she now is underweight and has severe anxiety about food. She will not eat if she feels it’s unsafe, and it’s hard for me to blame her.
Our house has both a kitchen and a kitchenette in the basement, complete with full sets of pans and utensils.
Our main rule for the house is that there is absolutely no dairy, gluten, or seafood to be kept or cooked in the kitchen (our older son is allergic to seafood, and my wife is lactose intolerant). The kitchenette is for items containing those ingredients.
My sister and her kids have had to move in with us for personal reasons.
They live in the basement bedrooms, and when they moved in, we very clearly explained this rule to them and why. It took less than a week for us to find a box of pasta in the kitchen. We explained the rule and moved it, and she was apologetic. A month later, my daughter comes to us in a panic because my sister was making fried chicken in the kitchen.
My sister was apologetic but insisted she needed to because the kitchenette was “too small.”
It felt harsh, but we moved all of the food to the basement, threw out every single pan and utensil she may have used, and deep cleaned the kitchen. These incidents making the kitchen no longer 100% guaranteed safe has made her regress in therapy.
We’re working on it, but unfortunately, right now, it is so bad again that we have to feed her exclusively takeout from the one gluten-free restaurant around unless we want her in inpatient care.
This takes us to last Sunday. I get home, and my daughter is having the worst panic attack I have ever seen.
My mom and sister were in the kitchen making an entire Sunday dinner. Spaghetti, mozzarella sticks, garlic bread, the works. I lost it.
I ended up absolutely screaming at them that they were ruining my life and had threatened my daughter’s life for the last time, and I had had it. I threw all of the food out into the yard and told my sister that if she really cared that little about her own niece’s life, she could get the heck out of my house.
Now my mom is mad at me for kicking out my sister and her kids when they’re vulnerable over “a food allergy,” but I don’t care. She can even leave the kids here if she absolutely needs to, but I’m done with her. We have ONE rule. ONE. My wife agrees with me but thinks I should give her one last chance and just not allow my sister to bring ANY food into the house.
My mom can’t take her in, and she can’t afford rent anywhere, so she would be homeless if we didn’t let her stay. I’m not sure I’m in the wrong here.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and say it with me: Celiac is an autoimmune disease, not a food allergy!
Do they need to see your daughter in the hospital before they believe it or will they just try and brush it off as coincidence/a one-off?
Honestly, your family makes me furious! My daughter and I are celiac sufferers. I’m also allergic to nuts, coconut, dairy, caffeine, and so many other random things it makes my head ache just thinking about it. I actually had a conversation about a month ago with my mom and sister about fried chicken, strangely enough, and they tried telling us that ‘one bit’ wouldn’t hurt.
Now, my daughter is nowhere near as sensitive as yours, but I was livid! Not to mention, my daughter (13) was astounded by how irresponsible they were acting. I don’t know where these people get their ideas from or how they can just be so insensitive to people’s health.
You are 100% in the right in this case.
This is not a simple mistake, or a one-off, your sister has repeatedly put your daughter at risk, cost you in replacing things, AND caused no end of mental and emotional stress. She was not responding to being asked nicely, to having things explained like a reasonable adult. And the fact your mother was on the same page is horrifying.
Without your sister there, both you and your daughter can begin to breathe easy again, and hopefully, she can make some progress with her therapy, knowing that home is once again a safe environment.
You have all my love and luck in the world while dealing with this. Stay strong, and stick to your guns!
You, your wife, and your children deserve to live in a safe environment!” miraculouswritingbug
Another User Comments:
“ESH. You’re a jerk because your reactions are setting precedence for your daughter’s anxiety in relation to her food sensitivity. There’s no reason why she should have the option to eat take-out from a gluten-free restaurant over your home cooking.
Tons of people are successfully able to navigate eating 100% gluten-free at home. The reason she’s having panic attacks is because YOU are having them. Cooking gluten in a pot doesn’t mean you throw it away. Soap and water work wonders.
Seems like victim blaming, but they need to own some of this.
Also: your sister seems like she’s a jerk for caring less too.
Maybe that’s why she doesn’t have a place to stay, because she can’t follow rules?” ResponsibleHedontist
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Celiac disease is serious. Your daughter’s first associations with food were probably mostly pain and feeling extremely unwell for most of her young life. It sounds like she essentially has food-related PTSD, and it’s going to take some time for her to heal both mentally and physically.
I mean, would your sister insist on setting off fireworks in a veteran’s yard? Because it’s the same thing.
And if you want to avoid the risk of cross-contamination with seafood in your own kitchen, that’s also entirely reasonable.
The only thing I personally think is a little silly to restrict so heavily is the dairy.
Lactose intolerance isn’t the same as an allergy, and it’s pretty easy for an adult to just avoid it (as opposed to gluten, which can be hidden in anything); meanwhile, it’s an important part of some people’s diets, especially if they have other food restrictions. That being said, it’s her kitchen, so if she doesn’t want it in there, then that’s that.
It’s extremely disrespectful to force it.
ETA: I would also seriously consider going LC/NC (limited contact/no contact) with your mom since it sounds like she was likely an instigator. And beyond the food thing, I can’t imagine just standing there making garlic bread while my niece/granddaughter is having a panic attack.
Definitely wouldn’t trust her with my children.” Character_Sink9754
16. AITJ For Asking My Parents Why They Spent A Lot Less On My Wedding Gift Than My Sister's?
“My husband and I (28M, 28F) got married recently, and my sister (31F) and I were discussing the wedding after returning from the honeymoon. We are very fortunate to have grown up in a household where my parents made a very good salary. They were generous to us but raised my sister and me to be hard-working and not dependent on them as adults.
My sister and I both do well financially as does her husband (36M). My husband loves his job, but it is not one that has a ton of earning potential. He and I met in college, so I’ve always known this was his plan, and we are very happy with our setup.
During my discussion with my sister, she asked me if my husband and I were planning to use the wedding gift funds from my parents to do a particular renovation for which we’ve been saving, but I was very confused because the gift, while extremely generous and appreciated, wasn’t nearly enough to cover that.
She told me how much she had been gifted, and it was more than twice what we had been given.
After that, I couldn’t stop thinking about why I had gotten less, so my sister encouraged me to ask, and during a call with my mom, I couldn’t stop myself from asking. Her response was that it wasn’t my business, but since I did ask, my sister has chosen a partner that can accommodate the lifestyle she’s used to, so they’ve gifted her accordingly.
They also gifted me according to the lifestyle I’ve chosen.
We are not entitled to gifts of any size in life, but I still can’t help feeling hurt that my parents feel that my husband and I are less deserving than my sister and her husband based on income. Meanwhile, my parents are angry at both my sister and me for having this discussion and bringing it to them.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Yes, you’re not entitled to it. But still, her reasoning and the way they did it were terrible.
My parents are middle class, so everything they gifted me and my two brothers was a sacrifice on their part. The gifts weren’t equal, but at that time, it was what we needed. My oldest brother would inherit their house, and they paid for his tuition and helped with his car.
My second brother got a house down payment, help with his car, and financial help during medical emergencies. I got an apartment when I was in college and help with my car. If we reduced it to the payment amount, some would’ve gotten more than others, but we looked at it in terms of help when we needed it, and we’re all equal.
Everything was made known to each of us, and we’re all grateful and happy. Communication is such a key thing in family when it comes to these things.” Caribe92
Another User Comments:
“Your mom could have given you a million good reasons. Kudos to her for being honest about her rewarding your sister for marrying a higher earner.
You now know how they rank things: wealth over love.
And you can also adjust your reciprocation of the love you have to give accordingly.
NTJ.
Don’t waste your breath or energy changing their minds on this issue, but be glad they have given you insight into their views.” Major_Barnacle_2212
Another User Comments:
“NTJ!!!
‘From each according to their means, to each according to their needs.’ Your parents are snobs. Your husband doesn’t earn huge amounts, but he’s happy at work – how many people can say this? And he loves you, and you’re both happy with your life, and that’s not good enough? Jesus Christ.
I’d be seriously considering your future relationship with them because when kids get involved, that’s a whole other ballgame.
Are they gonna get less because they think he’s not the dad they deserve too?
Also, they’re mad because they got found out. They know that what they did is crappy; they just couldn’t help but let their prejudices get in the way. Plus were expecting you girls to keep their crappy secret.” Chloeeva85
15. AITJ For Teaching My Native Language To My Biological Kid But Not To My Step Kids?
“My partner and I got married about two years ago, and the same year, we found out we were having a baby.
As we’re both over 40, she was very welcome, as my partner has three children from a previous marriage.
The issues come now. My daughter is really learning to speak, and I speak to her only in my native language. I moved to our current country (where my partner and stepkids are native speakers/born here) and so I speak both my home language and theirs fluently.
But I want my daughter to be able to speak to her family, who only speak my native language when we go back to my home country. I also want to keep that part of her heritage alive since she won’t be as connected to it as the other half growing up here.
My stepkids (11, 8, 4), who are obviously feeling threatened by the new baby and her place in their life, have begun to have a problem with this.
My partner is also sensitive to it and the distress of the other children. They feel like I should also be teaching them my native language and not have something special with just my biological daughter. I disagree.
My reasons are this: I’m not teaching my daughter the language; she’s acquiring it. It’s a different mechanism for learning a language.
We don’t sit down and have lessons; she just learns as I speak to her throughout the day and do the occasional baby flash cards. I don’t think I have the skill to teach a language. I’m not great at teaching anyway, and I’d have to do some learning myself.
I’m a parent to four kids now.
In between homework, afterschool clubs, and the other lessons the children have, I just do not know when we would have the time. This on top of my own work and the fact that the little one, of course, requires more attention.
And this is maybe where I am the jerk. I think the others kids will have to eventually learn that some things will be special between me and my biological daughter.
They have three parents, while she just has my partner and me, and her connection to my family back home will always be stronger, and I think having just some time with me alone is fine as well.
I offered to find a class for the children to take to learn the language and help them with their homework and talk to them at home, but they refused. They feel like it’s unfair that I’m unwilling to share this part of myself with them/why don’t I care if they can speak to my family/why didn’t I teach them or find a class before the baby was born, but I honestly just didn’t think they were interested (my native language is not nearly as useful as theirs; they would basically only be using it to communicate with me and my family).
It’s become a real issue in my house because I refuse to stop speaking to my daughter this way and also refuse to start giving language lessons when a professional could do it instead. My partner hasn’t gotten to the point of demanding that I stop speaking to my daughter yet, but there is tension.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You really tipped into jerk mode when you said “the other kids will have to learn that some things are special between me and my biological daughter.”
You can talk to the other kids in your language just like you talk to the baby. You can also get a pad of sticky notes and a sharpie in every room and offer to tell the kids the words for any object or any word they need – they write it so they take ownership, and then they stick the note where it belongs.
Leave the notes up.
Either they will get interested and start picking up more and more, or they will drift off and say No, never mind…. Let it be their choice.” OkapiEli
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
My parents are immigrants, and in their worry to make sure their children assimilated, they spoke to us in English at home, so eventually, our native tongue went by the wayside.
It is one of their biggest regrets. My father always laments not speaking their language at home for us to naturally have learned. Please do not stop doing that for your daughter, it is a benefit to her as she grows.
Your stepkids, understandable what they’re feeling. You can’t do anything about not having prepared them prior, that’s something to apologize for.
But I personally think the only thing you can do now is keep trying to share your heritage too, and hopefully, they will come around.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Yes, it’s a different learning mechanism, and yes, they are probably old enough that second language acquisition might be a lot harder. So sure, the results will be less impressive for the same amount of effort — BUT that’s not the point at play here.
The problem is that they are being consciously excluded from a bonding activity, and it’s really, really obvious that they are being excluded.
So lean heavily into the bilingual parent with them. They might get bored of it and move on. Or they might love it and thank you later. But if you don’t try, guarantee they will resent it.” Emotional-Ebb8321
14. AITJ For Not Wanting To Pay Rent Towards My Partner's Mortgage?
“My partner (33M) and I (29F) have been together for 3 years. He owns a house and lives there by himself. I live in an apartment by myself.
We’ve talked about moving in together as that’s the logical next step in our relationship, and we both want to do it. But I have some hang-ups related to moving into a house that I don’t have any stake in.
I am refusing to pay anything that would go directly towards his mortgage. I don’t have any stake in the house, so why would I contribute to his mortgage payments?
I’m ok helping with utilities, groceries, household items, etc. But paying his mortgage is a hard no for me. I just don’t think it makes any sense for me to pay towards his mortgage when I would get nothing from that if we were to break up.
His argument is that I would essentially be living with him for free, and it would cause an uneven dynamic in our payment towards shared living expenses.
Which, I kind of get, but at the same time, he’s the one benefitting from paying down the mortgage and gaining equity, not me. He also argued that his mortgage is pretty much exactly what I was paying in rent, so by cutting that in half, I am saving a lot on living costs compared to living on my own.
Which, yeah, that’s nice too, but legally, it’s still not my house.
I told him the only way I would pay for “rent” is if he signs a contract with me stating that anything I pay towards his mortgage will be paid back to me, by him, in the event that we break up. It would also allow me protection from eviction and other basic tenant rights, similar to a rental agreement.
He is refusing to sign anything like that because, in his words, I could break up with him for no reason and then take him to court for thousands of bucks. Which, I suppose is true, but I wouldn’t just break up with him for no reason.
This whole situation is driving a wedge between us, and he’s angry at me for “being so difficult” when all he thinks he is asking is that we split living expenses 50-50 if we are to live together.
To me, it’s not that simple when he’s the one owning the house we would live in. If I were on the title, it would be a different story, but he’s not willing to put me on the title because he’s lived there for 7 years already.
My lease at my apartment is up in 2 months, and I know I need to make a decision sooner than later.
It doesn’t help that my landlord is going to be increasing my rent, and similar apartments in our area are going for even more than I’m currently paying. But I just don’t feel right contributing towards his mortgage. I also know that if I renew my lease, it’s pretty much a dagger to our relationship, which I don’t want because I do love him and see a future with him.
I just want to make sure I’m protected.
I can tell my partner’s patience on this is wearing thin, and he’s upset with me for digging my heels in on this. But for me, this is about protecting myself for the worst-case scenario while he’s not really risking anything.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It is your rent payment for living there.
Why should you live there for free? Why should he put you on the title if you’re not married? If you were renting a house from someone else, would you say you won’t contribute to the mortgage and demand that your payments go toward utilities instead?
Look at it this way – when you leave where you’re renting now, you’re not taking anything with you either.
The rent you paid to them is gone. You paid to have a place to live. That is how it goes until you have a mortgage. Your partner worked hard for that mortgage, for a downpayment, and has spent seven years paying it. If you want to live there, you have to pay.
I wouldn’t put you on the mortgage either if I was your partner.
In fact, I’d reconsider the whole relationship if I was him.” Left-Occasion-8445
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna go against the common theme here and say NTJ. Full disclosure: I’m in the same position as the partner here.
I bought a house years back, my partner moved in, lived together for 4 years splitting costs, then she left me.
I was threatened (by her mother, not her) that they’d take me to court to recoup the cost she put into the mortgage. I looked into the law, and it would have been possible for her to do so legally. She didn’t need a prior agreement to have a legal leg to stand on.
Now, my current partner has just moved in with me, and I wanted to be the sole person paying the mortgage, so this wouldn’t be an issue in the future.
She pays all utilities/streaming services/groceries/phone while I pay just the mortgage. Sure, it’s a split in her favor, but I still save overall, and my equity is protected as she’s not paying into it. It’s a win for the both of us. We do still pay our own car/insurance.
Look into laws in your state, and maybe share the info you find with your partner to see what they think.” TheRealRageMode
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – This is something you two need to talk out and come to a compromise. Your partner understands that because the home was purchased before he met you that if you do get married, the house will not be considered marital property. You want something in place so if a worst-case scenario happens, you have protection.
A compromise might be your partner gives you an actual lease with an agreed-upon ‘rent.’ If he matches or even lowers it below what you’re paying now, you’ll both come out ahead.
If a compromise can’t be reached, then no matter how long the relationship has gone on, it may have run its course.” PandaGoingDown
13. AITJ For Reporting My Colleague To HR For Not Letting Me Work On Her Projects?
“I (26f) just started my first job after finishing my masters and work in a department with another colleague (27f, Thea) who joined the company 2 months before me.
She is currently in graduate school, and I’m amazed at how she is very efficient and fast in her tasks.
I noticed that Thea is always assigned complicated tasks despite being new to the company, and I wanted to join the projects that she’s in, so I can learn from her. Initially, Thea was fine with it, and I learned that she is someone who will implement very strict timelines in order to get things done.
I had trouble keeping up because I wasn’t used to having such deadlines, but she would just tell me to be faster next time and move on.
Recently, she put up a huge whiteboard at her desk that detailed all her meetings and tasks for the month. I was very impressed with the set-up and asked her what the tasks on her board meant.
She became very irritated when I asked if there was room for one more teammate, and she finally snapped and said, ‘Not everything with my name needs you involved.’
I was surprised at her hostility but just thought she was having a bad day. But ever since then, she’s been very distant and just generally difficult to work with.
She wouldn’t be as helpful as before when it came to retrieving documents that I need, implemented tougher deadlines, and would just avoid me by going home earlier.
I felt that she was creating an overly hostile work environment that was affecting my productivity and felt like the right thing to do was to report her to HR.
I did so, after collecting some evidence, and HR said that they would talk to her. Well, the talk didn’t seem to go well because now our boss has told me to just stay out of her way and removed me from all projects that involve her. Thea has even been moved to another section in the office, closer to our seniors, who I’ve heard been trying to placate her to stop her from leaving.
I’m conflicted as I don’t want to ruin my workplace relationships. But it was very difficult to work with her, and I did what I thought was the right thing to advocate for myself. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
This was a very foolish thing for you to do. Thea is more productive and better at the job than you are, by your own admission.
I’m just going to tell you, as a manager, if one of my employees that was just okay came to me with the complaint that my rockstar employee’s deadlines were difficult to keep up with, and the mediocre employee was upset that the rock star didn’t want to collaborate with the slower, less capable employee, well… unless I found out there was real bullying or discrimination going on, and not just that the rockstar was avoiding the mediocre employee by finishing up and “going home early,” the rockstar employee is not the one that I would let go.
I would investigate the complaint, of course, but if I found no evidence of actual bullying, it would make me question the mediocre employee’s competence and judgment.
Look, you initially asked to join your colleague on her projects, she let you, and frankly, you didn’t measure up. So she moved on without you, and she got rightfully annoyed when you wanted to pop on and slow her down again.
She should’ve been much nicer about it, but I can understand her frustration, especially if she is constantly having to retrieve documents for you and help you do your own job.
Also, a word of advice? You should really polish up your résumé and start looking around, because, again, if it was me, and Thea was threatening to leave over an employee who slowed her down and then complained about her to HR?
I would be building a case to let you go. The simple truth is that she does more complicated work faster and more efficiently than you, and therefore, would be worth more to me.” fibchopkin
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for having so little self-awareness.
I think HR’s resolution was absolutely correct: you two obviously have different working styles/speeds, so you don’t make a good team; plus, she outright refused to keep coaching you, which is well within her right.
So they got you out of each other’s hairs. What else did you expect?
But somehow, you still feel mistreated. Are you saying you feel entitled to her time and knowledge, even against her will and with no real benefit to her? Conceited much?” addangel
12. AITJ For Working Instead Of Being Present At My Daughter's Birth?
I was in a similar situation as a restaurant manager of a family-owned restaurant (but I was the pregnant one).
Let me tell you from first-hand experience: the baby comes FIRST, even more so when it’s your first child and a child you’ve been trying to conceive for years.
“For a little background information, I (28M) have a beautiful wife (27F), we’ve been trying for a baby for about 3 years now and have known each other since we were in high school.
When my wife found out she was pregnant, we were thrilled and have been getting prepared for months.
My dad is a real jerk, but he keeps me employed. He owns a pretty nice Italian restaurant that has been run by my family for decades. I’ve worked there since I was about 15, and I am now head chef.
The problem is, he treats his employees pretty bad (including me), and if you even miss one shift, you get demoted or even worse fired.
I was in the middle of a very hectic shift on the busiest day of the week when my MIL called saying my wife went into labor, and I needed to get to the hospital right away.
When I asked my dad if I could go, he said, “You can go if you’re ok with being unemployed,” which I couldn’t risk because after the baby was born, my wife would be off work for quite a while to be a stay-at-home mom. The reason my dad was so mad at the idea of me leaving was because he was understaffed and really needed my help.
When I tried calling my MIL, she wouldn’t pick up, so I just kept working, and I thought could explain myself later. Later when it was time to go home, I drove to the hospital, but MIL and her sisters refused to let me in the room and called me names like “a bad father and a bad husband.” When it was finally time to leave the hospital, my wife and newborn baby went home with MIL, and they haven’t spoken to me in days, even when I try and apologize and explain myself.
I thought I was doing the right thing, but I need to know, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. What most of the NTJ people are missing is that it is NOT about you not watching your child be born. It is about you not being there to support your wife during a scary, painful, and medically fragile event, which you presumably agreed to be present for, or else you wouldn’t have been getting calls telling you to get there.
It doesn’t matter that she had other people there. She wanted YOU there because she apparently loves and trusts you enough to try for three years to start a family with you. There is SO much that can go wrong with childbirth. I had a complicated pregnancy and a very dangerous birth, and then when it was over, I STILL almost needed emergency surgery because my placenta unexpectedly wouldn’t detach.
You weren’t there for her because you’re afraid of your dad, who is apparently desperately short-staffed on line cooks but thinks he can replace a head chef in no time at all.
You have shown your wife that she is not your priority and that you can be easily manipulated by your father. She would be insane to not question this relationship.” Lava_Lemon
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Except for your wife and in-laws.
We get you want your employment. But if you knew your dad was this strict about things, then you totally knew if you were working while you’re wife went into labor, you’d miss it. You knew that was a massive possibility, and because you didn’t prevent that, is why you’re the jerk.
Your dad is a terrible boss and should be ashamed of himself. But that’s a different discussion. He’s probably been that way your whole life, so what else would you have expected?
You obviously have talent and skills. Go find a kitchen that values you (I was a cook for 13 years; I know every kitchen is different).
Or start looking at work that doesn’t keep you from your family and future important events.
It’s time to start looking for other places to work. And don’t have sympathy for your dad. More workers would be willing to work if the pay was good and the environment wasn’t so toxic. That’s on him. Not you.
Good luck, Op.” OsaBear92
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, but I hope this is a wake-up call. You were in a no-win situation, but it doesn’t have to be that way. I’m gonna make some assumptions about the parenting you experienced based on what kind of boss your dad is. If I’m wrong, then I sincerely apologize.
Get some therapy. It will help you identify your needs, your boundaries, and give you the confidence to seek employment elsewhere and communicate. You’ll also have to do some work to repair the damage done to your wife. Be open, honest, and realistic with her. And get a new job as soon as you can.
I’m sorry you were put in this situation. I had a boss like this when I was 14, and it took me years to stand up to him. That was with the help of my parents, so I can only imagine what it’s like when it’s your own father. This isn’t about growing a spine; it sounds like it’s undoing years of emotional maltreatment and intimidation.
Get yourself the help you need, so you can be the husband and father you want to be. I wish you the best of luck, and congratulations on the birth of your child.” maliciousmalaphor
The real jerk is your father. He's an absolute a**e. You have plenty of experience now, so start looking for a new job. Your father doesn't deserve you.
11. AITJ For Not Accommodating My Autistic Daughter?
“I feel terrible about this and don’t know what to do. I think I’m probably a jerk, but I’m not sure how to not be a jerk in this situation.
My son, 17, loves the color blue. It is his favorite color by a mile. His favorite TV show is strongly associated with blue, and his favorite superhero wears blue.
I know those are silly things, but he loves sci-fi and comics, so those things are important to him.
My daughter, 13, is autistic. She finds the color blue incredibly upsetting because it is associated with a hate organization that advocates for harming autistic people. Seeing the color is painful for her. My son’s room is painted blue, and many of his outfits are blue.
My daughter wants him to not wear blue clothing anywhere she can see. He refuses.
I talked to my son, and he said he feels he should be allowed to wear his favorite t-shirt in his own home. I think he is right, although it hurts me to see my daughter upset. I think talking to her therapist about her aversion will help her more than banning the color, which realistically she will see in many contexts.
Am I being unfair to her?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, lightly. Not for letting your son wear blue but for your lack of action so far. Why hasn’t this been brought to the attention of her therapist already? You’re her parent; she needs you to advocate for her and the things she needs. She came to you and expressed that a color sends her into distress.
That means she needs you to communicate this with her therapist so that they can work on coping skills.” treatyourselftocats
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I feel a lot for your daughter. I’m autistic and have a color aversion as well (mine is pink). It’s really unpleasant and goes through spikes when my overall anxiety goes up.
How I’ve managed to cope with it is that I focus that aversion on things that are related to me. So other people can wear pink and it’s (mostly) fine, but I avoid anything pink for me. No pink usernames, avatars, etc., etc.
This gets a bit tricky on Discord because I do not like people using pink emojis on me.
If it’s a safe place to ask, sometimes I ask them to use a different emoji. But if they don’t, I just try and ignore the anxiety spike and move on, because I can’t control others.
I think focusing on myself is the best way to cope with it because it’s not as easy as just ignoring the color.
It causes a real emotion for me, one that’s very unpleasant. I want people to read this and understand that because it feels so dumb. I hate how I react to a stupid color; it’s so irrational. But it’s still real and makes my life harder.” ebec20
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you are not being unfair to her.
I think you need to speak with her care team (therapist, social worker, whoever you rely on) about this.
As a sibling of someone with autism who cannot be fully autonomous – the most important thing you can do with your daughter is foster the best possible relationship with her siblings. And that doesn’t happen if you force your son to sacrifice things like creative expression.
Unless you are wealthy, when you are headed out of this world, someone will be overseeing your daughter. And in all likelihood, that will be your son or another family member. It may be as small as checking to make sure she is paying her rent on time, or it may be more intensive than that.
It is absolutely key that they are able to get along and that he is not harboring tons of resentment towards you and her.
Yes, her reaction is real. We can have a ton of compassion for that, and you can look into every option available to help her find coping mechanisms for this. But she cannot use her disability to control the people around her.
And she cannot hide from all the blue in the world. There is just too much of it.” ChakraMama318
10. AITJ For Serving Fake Meat But Telling People It Was Real?
“My two daughters are vegetarian, but my husband and son are not. I’m probably what they would call a “flexitarian.”
My son and husband always turn up their noses at tofu or any other meat alternatives – they say it’s just “weird” that it’s made to resemble real meat, so it’s really the concept and not the taste.
There are no allergies. My family and I often make two versions of dinner – one meat, one real, and twice the amount of pots and pans. There is an equal distribution of cleaning and cooking in this house, thankfully.
My daughters had a fun prank idea of making two pots of spaghetti sauce, under the pretense that one was meat (they were both soy ground beef).
The goal here was to see if their brother and father actually hated the meat and to see if we could maybe save some dishes and time (in the future).
Everyone loved dinner. Both my husband and son finished their plates. This was when my youngest couldn’t hold it in anymore and told them. They both got VERY upset about being fed something other than what they were told.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“This is not really a meat eater/vegetarian issue. Tricking someone into eating something other than what they thought they were eating is a massive breach of trust, and the fact that the substitution is harmless is irrelevant. That your aim was clearly to shame or embarrass them over their dietary preferences does not help.
Would it really be that different if they cooked meat and fed it to your daughters, telling them it was soy?
YTJ.” RatioNo1114
Another User Comments:
“I’m going against the grain. But NTJ. You would be if you did it again. So your family had a vegetarian meal. They will be okay. And I think they’re taking this a bit too seriously.
I’m not a vegetarian, but if I ate a meal I thought was beef and someone was like, “It’s actually vegetarian!” I would just say, “Wow, I didn’t even notice.”
Yes, swapping a vegetarian meal with meat is different. And yes swapping meat with a different meat that’s exotic is different as well.
But swapping meat with just a veggie alternative? It’s not that deep.” noirpun
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Tricking people to eat things they verbally expressed not wanting to eat is a massive breach of trust.
Not only is this dangerous in regards to food allergies and intolerances, but flip the tables here for a moment?
How would YOU and your daughters have reacted if your husband and son decided to cook meat for you guys and lied by stating it’s vegetarian? They’ll wait until you’ve finished eating and then laughingly reveal that you just ate a real burger.
You and your daughters would’ve flipped out of your minds. So how is it that you can do that to them but not the other way around?
It doesn’t matter that it tastes good, that they enjoyed the meal.
The moment that you know a person does not want to eat something, no matter what the reason, and you resort to lying to get them to eat it, you are a massive jerk.
This wasn’t even a prank. This was, by your own admission, a test to see if you can convert them to being vegetarian so you need to do fewer dishes.
You know how you test that?
YOU ASK THEM TO TRY AND TASTE A DISH.
And if they say no, guess what? You can’t force them to taste it.” Shifting2Wolf
9. AITJ For Wanting My Partner To Pay For The Glass She Broke?
“A few days ago, my partner Trish (not her real name) was cleaning the kitchen windows.
In the midst of her cleaning, she accidentally knocked over a dish from the drying rack and that dish landed on and shattered an expensive wine glass of mine. I say mine because it was given to me by my mother as a Christmas gift last year. The glass retails for around $120.
When she told me she had broken the glass by accident (which she was very nervous about because she knew the glass was expensive), we had a discussion (may classify this as an argument…) that lasted three days about how it would get replaced and who would pay.
After all of this talking, she finally (she says) gave in and gave me 40% of the cost to replace the glass. I had initially asked that she replace the glass in full, but after discussion realized if we are partners, it would be logical to use the 60/40 calculation we use for everything else.
Background: Trish and I have been living together for about a year.
When we initially decided to move in together, we decided to split all expenses 60%/40% because of our combined income distribution (I make 60% of our gross monthly earnings; she makes 40%).
After the initial agreement, Trish has now said she does not feel good about the agreement and wants me to pay her back. Her reasoning is that (A) it was a complete accident, and (B) she would never want to buy any wine glasses that expensive ever again.
My argument is that if we are to live together, we are going to be sharing costs, and inevitably things are going to break and need replacing/repairing. I liked this wine glass (again, which was a gift from my mother) and would like to replace it so that we have a matching set once more.
More background: I know for a fact that Trish is financially able to reimburse me the 40% and would suffer no undue hardship from the loss of those funds. On the other hand, I am also fully able to replace the glass without it affecting my financial stability.
AITJ for asking Trish to reimburse 40% of the wine glass she broke by accident?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. When my husband and I moved in together, he washed a very expensive sweater (designer and cashmere) of mine in the washing machine. It was ruined. You know what I did? I cried a bit and then let it go. I left it in a place that caused him to think he could wash it, and he didn’t think to check the tag.
It was an accident, and I treated it as such. I didn’t demand he buy me a new one; I just got over it. Life moved on, and we didn’t choose to cause hard feelings in our relationship over an accident.” Aggravating-Dare-707
Another User Comments:
“Might go against the tide here with NTJ.
The wine glass was a gift. She broke it (accident or not), so she needs to replace it.
If it had been a piece of jewelry or a gaming console, etc., then I imagine the replies here would be very different.
A few years back, I was drinking with some friends and I accidentally broke a mug that was sentimental to a friend of mine. You know what I did? I apologized and bought her a new one, and that was that.
I was responsible for breaking it; therefore, I took responsibility for replacing it.
I really don’t get all the YTJs here. Yes, replacing the wine glass would be a step away from their usual expenditure on glassware/cutlery, but then again, it would never have needed to be replaced had she not broken it in the first place.
She needs to just accept responsibility for what’s happened (regardless of the fact that it was an accident) and step up.
But also the fact that you’ve been arguing for three days over a wine glass makes me think that maybe the wine glass isn’t really the issue.” No-Government-6326
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I know, unpopular.
Hear me out.
If a stranger hits your car by accident do you go, “No worries; I’ll pay to fix it myself. It would be petty to ask for someone to pay for something they broke on accident”?
No, you expect when someone breaks something that they make it right. You live together. You aren’t married. There is limited legal involvement (depending on where you live and how long you’ve been together) in dividing assets if you were to split.
Because of this, you both need to treat your personal things with respect. A gift from your mother to you is not mutual property. If she breaks that, she should replace it. It was kind of you to settle on 40%.
I am curious if those responding YTJ would feel the same if it was their gaming console that was broken.” PersonneAsked
8. AITJ For Expecting My Partner To Let My Dog Out While He Was Home From Work?
“My (36f) partner, “Tommy” (36m), was home on staycation last week Monday through Wednesday, meaning he had five days off. He was home all day and maybe left the house once or twice to get himself some food, but that was it.
I have a dog “Spud” I got before we got together. They adore each other, and it’s really sweet.
Since Spud is my dog, all of his care and bills are my responsibility. I would never, ever ask or expect Tommy to ever care for him in any way, normally. Tommy literally does NOTHING to care for my dog aside from snuggle, but that’s a two-way street, lol.
Anyway, since Spud is normally home alone for about 9 hours each day, I do things to keep him occupied (he normally sleeps but still), like hide treats for him to find before I leave, have a feeder ball out, leave the blinds up, so he can people watch the pond and walking trail at our apartment, check in via Blink, leave a YouTube dog channel on, you get it.
Sometimes I also come home during lunch to let him out and snuggle. I wanted to hire a dog-walker, but Tommy said absolutely not since he’s scared we’ll get our stuff stolen.
Since Tommy was home though, I thought he’d be nice enough to take him out in the middle of the day to let him pee.
He didn’t on Monday, and I brought it up, he said, “No, I won’t, because then he’ll expect it.” Like what the heck? Tommy thinks because Spud can control himself no problem for 12 hours if necessary (happened before we got together when a pet sitter didn’t pull through and didn’t tell me until I had already paid and left for my day trip.
Yes, I got a refund, and Spud was ok, but still, not ideal). He didn’t want to “spoil” him by letting him out during the day. I told him he didn’t need a full walk, but a couple of minutes to pee on the lawn would make him feel better. He wouldn’t even have had to step more than 10 feet away from the apartment door.
I reminded him on weekends, he gets walked and let out a lot more and is still fine during the week, but Tommy still insisted he didn’t care and said I was acting like a jerk about it (no, I didn’t yell or get dramatic).
Spud is my dog after all, but am I wrong for hoping Tommy would help him out and just let him out for 2 minutes to pee?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
It’s appalling to me how little people will accept from a partner in relationships.
Why would you accept this?
Do you care so little for your dog?
I agree that you should rehome your dog. Your partner IS a jerk, and the fact that you are like, “I think I should rehome my dog, so I can stay with this jerk” means yes, you are a jerk who cares SO LITTLE for yourself and your poor dog that I have to agree.
Your poor dog needs a family who will love them much more than you ever could and would happily hire a professional pet sitter, so they could get a potty break. I can’t go without a pee break for 12 hours, and I am in tears thinking of your poor dog suffering that long. You don’t deserve your dog.
You deserve better than your partner, but because you want to stay with someone that cruel, the least you can do is get your poor dog out of there.” JohnOliversButler
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Tommy likes to snuggle with Spud but doesn’t care enough about him to give his bladder some relief. Tommy isn’t simply a roommate; he is your partner.
Partners help each other out. Why won’t he help you and Spud out?
Heck, I had a roommate with a kid. Guess who helped him out when he needed help with his son? He never had to ask. Because it is a kind, decent thing to do for a fellow human.” GeekynGlorious
Another User Comments:
“I mean, your partner is far worse, but a little bit ESH because I don’t think it’s great to “normally” leave a dog alone for 9 hours, without an opportunity to pee, regardless of how much enrichment you provide. I get that some dogs can hold it for that long, but it doesn’t mean it’s easy or healthy for them.
And I know Tommy said no to a dog walker, but that’s just a sign you need to break up with him or at least live apart, not an excuse to leave your dog all day.
I’m no vet, but I wouldn’t leave a dog that long unless it was some sort of emergency.
I had a roommate who did this (basically a long-term Airbnb situation where I was the tenant, and she was the landlord), and I felt so bad for her dogs. If I was home, I would of course let them out because I’m not a total jerk but often I had to be at work, too, and there was a reason I didn’t have dogs of my own (didn’t have the right schedule or money for a dog walker).
You clearly do care about Spud, and I hope that going forward, you’ll prioritize him over Tommy, who frankly seems like the worst. Ditch the dude, and get Spud a dog walker ASAP.” TynnyferWithTwoYs
7. AITJ For Making A CPS Report On My Ex?
This whole situation just breaks my heart.
“When I married my soon-to-be ex, she had four bio children (15m, 13m, 11m, and 6f) and two adopted daughters (11 Colombia, 7 South Korea). We have one child who is two months. In addition, my two (11f, 9m) from my previous relationship live with me full time as their mother doesn’t really care much about her custody time.
I have seen my soon-to-be ex, Sally’s, bio children every two weeks for the past four years. Her two adopted girls lived with us as her ex doesn’t want anything to do with them as he has the daughter he always wanted. Sally lives in her mother’s suite for now with all of her children.
Sally wants to leave her adopted girls with me as part of the divorce proceedings as she too doesn’t want them as she feels she has a bio daughter and has no need for them anymore. She is extra adamant that she should not have them as the adoption agency screwed her out of a hapa child.
The Korean one is not Eurasian as she had hoped but half Vietnamese and South Korean.
I don’t want them as I have never been a father figure, and the girls still talk about her ex as their dad despite no contact for so long. I simply can’t afford more children than what I already have.
I made a report to CPS when she mentioned she would re-home them if I wouldn’t take them.
I called CPS on her and they contacted her ex-husband’s workplace as he works with children. He is temporary on unpaid leave while being investigated for neglect. Sally will now be investigated too. In the meantime, CPS has custody of all her children.
My son is with me.
She has called me every name under the sun and doesn’t understand why I won’t take them as I have space in my house and experience with a girl as I have a daughter too.
She says I overreacted and that we could have solved this in a different way.
AITJ for reporting to CPS?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Your ex sucks more, but you still suck. I really hate how people blend families so easily and then walk away from stepkids when things don’t work out between the adults. I get that you would not have expected full custody when you split, but you are walking away from a bunch of kids that you spent years with, and they have no one else.
Out of 3 parents, there are zero people with a heart. These poor kids likely were abandoned in their home country at a young age and then have been dumped by every parent figure they’ve had.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“Why would you take 2 kids that are not legally yours?!
Absolutely disgusting behavior from your ex that she “has no use for them” because she has a bio daughter.
I mean, what the heck? Who does that? You can’t just throw 2 kids away because they have no purpose for the future. Imagine the conversation, “Sorry, but I don’t want to be your mom anymore.” The ex-husband working with kids – wow, there is no way he should be able to work with kids again when he rejects the ones he has.
You have done the right thing, and her trouble is nothing to feel guilty about because they will be looked after properly now as opposed to the 2 being treated like trash and having an unloving upbringing.
I just can’t fathom how a person can just reject kids because they are no longer wanted.” General-Buy-8191
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You don’t get to just throw away the adopted children just because after you got them you had bio children of the gender you desired.
You actually did the right thing by those kids. Their parents sound neglectful. Also, why adopt children of a different race/ethnicity if you have a problem with them looking like where they’re from?
That “Eurasian” comment was very racist.
You should focus on getting sole custody of the child you have with her and forget she exists. What if she decides she already has the 3 bio sons she wanted and doesn’t need another?” Glum-Tree1239
6. AITJ For Not Letting My Adult Son's Girl Spend The Night?
“My son (22) has a partner (20). She’s a nice girl: respectful towards me and my wife, getting a degree at a top university, and I think they’re a good match for each other. My son lives with me, and he’s about to finish community college this Fall. They got together about a year ago.
We live in the San Francisco area, and she lives about 20 minutes away from us when there is no traffic (but in this city there usually is). A few months ago, I found out that she had spent the night without asking us. Naturally, I got upset with my son; I told him that she was NOT allowed to spend the night, he understood, and they haven’t done it since.
Recently, he told me that he doesn’t like her driving home when they hang out late and that he feels that it’s “unsafe” for her to drive home alone past 12am through SF and over the bay bridge. He says he’s worried she’ll get robbed (or worse) or she’ll fall asleep driving.
She lives with her parents who let him spend the night whenever he wants, and he says I should allow her to do the same, at least when they have a late event. Since he did it without asking me and my wife the first time, I’m not letting her stay.
AITJ for not letting my son’s partner spend the night at our house?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
“I’d rather a young person that my son cares about have a car accident or be robbed than allow her to sleep under my roof despite her being a consenting adult because…my rules.”
Is that about right?
He’s an adult. She’s an adult. They’re in an adult relationship.
I think you need to accept that her safety is more important than your ‘morals.’
Welcome to 2022 – where we care about other people rather than the vague social construct of ‘no sleeping in the same bed before marriage.’
If he stops visiting as much so he can spend time with his partner without being concerned for her safety, then you’ll know why.
So what’s more important to you? Your son? Or enforcing ‘my house, my rules’ on two consenting adults?” shpphgojfjdjf
Another User Comments:
“When I was your son’s age, I flipped my car in an ice storm because my mother’s advice for driving home from my partner’s house was, “Well, you don’t have a choice because you can’t stay the night with that boy.”
She has felt guilty about that car accident for 15 years.
YTJ.” beckaisbecka
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for setting your own house rules but soft YTJ for completely shutting down the possibility of them asking you first and giving you the opportunity to make a decision based on individual circumstances.
I had to move back in with my parents for a while when I was 31 due to various things.
My parents have always had the rule that I was not allowed to have guys in my room or to have them spend the night. When I moved back in, I discussed this with them, and I explained that I couldn’t go back to living like I was 16 again, where my partner and I are only allowed to spend time together in the common areas of the house.
They understood and said I could have my partner in my room as much as I want but that they still weren’t comfortable with him spending the night. I didn’t argue. They didn’t charge me any rent, and they took over my car and mobile payments until I was working again, with no expectation of me paying them back for it.
When they would go on trips, I would ask them if I could have my partner stay at the house with me, and they always said yes.
There’s a respectful compromise in the middle, but you need to be open to it. If not, you might end up harming your relationship with your son. Are you sure this is worth it?” WickedPanda88
5. AITJ For Making My Daughter Eat At A Restaurant She Doesn't Like As A Reward For Winning A Competition?
“My daughters 14 & 16 are on the same dance team. Their team won a competition on Sunday, and we were all so excited and proud of them. After the competition, my dad suggested we go out to eat and said he would pay for wherever we wanted.
Older daughter, who loves seafood, has been asking for years to go to a restaurant that has unlimited crab legs, but it’s a very pricy restaurant, so we’ve never been able to. She immediately suggested this restaurant. My dad liked the suggestion. My younger daughter suggested we go to her favorite restaurant, a local Mexican restaurant, instead.
We’ve been there many times, as it’s much more affordable. Knowing this would be a wasted opportunity, I said my older daughter’s suggestion made more sense because it was somewhere we’d never been.
Younger daughter complained she wouldn’t like anything there, but I assured her the menu would have more than crab legs. We got there, and sure enough, there were many dishes that didn’t have seafood, including steak, the youngest’s favorite.
Even though there were dishes without seafood, the youngest daughter said she wasn’t hungry because the restaurant “smelled weird.” I ordered her steak anyway.
Younger daughter pouted throughout the meal. She picked at her steak. The older daughter was very happy and completely absorbed in the crab legs. My mom tried to talk to my younger daughter about the competition, but she wasn’t responsive.
At the end of the meal, we were all stuffed except for the youngest. My dad told everyone to pick a dessert to go, except for the youngest because “she’s clearly not hungry.”
I asked my dad to leave her alone, and he did, but she was already upset. When we got home, I tried to talk to her.
I explained that this was a rare opportunity and that sometimes we need to let someone else have something nice. I told her I could have taken us to the Mexican restaurant this weekend. She said it’s not the same because the restaurant we go to the night of the competition is special, and we went somewhere she didn’t like.
I pointed out that she didn’t know she didn’t like it because she didn’t try it. She said I know she hates seafood and that the restaurant is known for its seafood, so of course, she wouldn’t want to go there after a special event.
She was annoyed all Monday and Tuesday but started to mellow on Wednesday.
This morning, she asked if we are going to the Mexican restaurant tomorrow. I said not this week because of her behavior, but we’ll see next week. She wasn’t happy. Am I being too hard on her? I think she was very rude to her grandparents, but I know when you’re a teenager, everything feels like a bigger deal than it is.
Should I have just let her behavior slide and taken her to the Mexican restaurant?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
A seafood restaurant will ALWAYS smell fishy, just like a grill house will ALWAYS smell like meat. Then there’s the fact that she abhors seafood, yet her choice is taken away because the 16-year-old wants crab legs, and YOU want a free expensive meal.
In short, you basically told your daughter that her reward for doing well in her dancing competition is to have no choice where to eat, no compromise being given, and be crammed in a place where she’s forced to smell seafood the entirety of the meal and then later be told that her parent is disappointed in her.
You basically EXCLUDED your youngest daughter from her own celebrational dinner because everyone except her likes seafood and doesn’t care about the smell.
The youngest daughter said she wasn’t hungry because the restaurant “smelled weird.” It may be hard to understand, but when you hate certain meals, that means you also cannot stand their smell.
People who hate blue cheeses will feel like they stink, vegetarians can’t stand the smell of meat, etc.
Did she overreact? Sure. The nice thing would be if she accepted the meal and as compensation was promised to go to HER favorite restaurant as well.
Instead, she was basically picked on by everyone present and told she’s a disappointment simply because she didn’t like being forced to sit in the stench of fish and presumably favoritism for the eldest.” Shifting2Wolf
Another User Comments:
“ESH. I don’t think it was particularly well done to choose a place only one kid liked when both of them won the same competition & shared the achievement that earned eating out. It probably contributed hugely to 14’s attitude, since her wishes were entirely ignored & no compromise was offered, just 16 gets what she wants.
Were there really no other places both of them could have cheerfully agreed to go?
However: the decision was made. There were other things besides seafood that 14 could eat, & she acted like a brat the whole time you were there. 14 is old enough to keep her disappointment at the obvious favoritism in check & bring the subject up with you privately later on.” Far_Anteater_256
Another User Comments:
“They both won the competition. They both were meant to be rewarded. Only one’s feelings were considered for the reward.
You told your youngest you wanted to celebrate her and to pick a restaurant, then ignored her wants completely because you saw a chance to go somewhere you and your oldest wanted to try.
Your youngest then told you she wasn’t hungry because of the smell. You took it upon yourself to order her steak, a heavy and expensive meal. You should have let her order what she wanted, even if that was nothing.
Do I think she could have handled it better? Of course. But she’s fourteen.
You’re the adult.
The answer here was to pick a new restaurant they both would enjoy trying and to let your father know your oldest would love to try the seafood place when it’s her birthday or her own celebration.
Everyone, including you, seems to think your youngest was acting like a brat.
But she was told this was for her and therefore shared her wants at every step. She then had her wants ignored and was punished for not acting grateful enough for being given things she didn’t want.
This is YTJ for me.” EmpressJainaSolo
4. AITJ For Saying It's A Blessing That My Sister-In-Law Had A Miscarriage?
“My sister-in-law used to be an addict, with no stable job and trapped in toxic relationships till she got pregnant 2 years ago but ended up miscarrying cause of her unhinged behavior, which left a mark on her. Since then, she turned her life around, accepted to get help for her addiction, and she’s clean and has a stable income.
However, there’s still one problem with her: she still mourns her lost pregnancy almost every time we see her, which I understood initially, as it would be a pretty big trauma for everyone, but it’s been years since then, and her pity parties already got pretty old, especially (and I know I might sound cynical) when her lost pregnancy was what made her turn her life around for the better.
Fast forward, I (28F) got pregnant with my husband of 3 years (29M), and yesterday, we made a gender reveal party for our families (it’s a boy, by the way). His sister was of course there, and not long after the reveal, she started to reminisce about much she’d wanted to become a mother as well and how much she got affected by her pregnancy.
I quickly got sick of this, as not only was she once again pulling this stunt, but she was doing it at my gender reveal in order to get all the attention on her.
And so I told her that she should reconsider her miscarriage as a blessing in disguise, as it finally gave her the help she needed to turn her life around.
She looked shocked at me and then asked me if I seriously think that her miscarriage was a good thing. I told her that considering that back then she was an addict who was changing her jobs and partners faster than sockets, with a father who wasn’t in the picture (at least that’s what she told us, but knowing her past lifestyle, I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t even know who the father was and was too embarrassed to tell us), it’s probably for the better that her child wasn’t brought into the world in these conditions.
After that she, together with my parents-in-law, started blowing off at me, telling me that just because I lack empathy doesn’t mean I get to reduce her trauma to a good thing.
My husband intervened and finally managed to calm them down, and the party ended abruptly. After everyone left, my husband took me aside and told me that what I said was really out of line and that my pregnancy hormones aren’t an excuse to act so unhinged. That made me blow up at him, telling him to cut the misogynistic crap about pregnant women being out of control, as there was nothing unhinged about what I said to his sister; it was just the rational truth, and if he wants to see unhinged behavior, he should look no further than his own family.
He got too ashamed to say anything else after that, and I made him sleep on the couch, so I wouldn’t need to hear any more nonsense coming from his mouth.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“If anyone needs to cut the crap, it’s you.
Yes, this wasn’t the time for SIL to bring up her miscarriage again.
I don’t disagree there.
But I can also understand the emotions this is bringing up in her, and it’s only been two years! It’s not like this happened 10 years ago, and she’s still bringing it up all the time. SIL experienced this trauma and is still fairly newly sober – there are still a lot of things for her to experience and process through.
Had you not gone absolutely nuclear, I might have judged this ESH. But telling her that her miscarriage was ultimately a good thing is just horrible. And THEN, as if that wasn’t bad enough, you went through a detailed list of exactly everything that was wrong in her life at that point – as if she didn’t know!
The truth of the matter is that great things, good things, bad things, and horrible things happen all the time regardless if we “deserve” them. You are lucky to have this healthy pregnancy that will hopefully lead to a healthy baby boy, but you aren’t inherently more worthy of it than your SIL was.
I can’t imagine how much it hurt your SIL to have that said to her but especially from a family member who was standing in front of her visibly pregnant with her own healthy pregnancy.
YTJ.” hannahsflora
Another User Comments:
“ESH. She should not have mentioned her miscarriage at a party for your baby. But you are wrong for telling her it’s a blessing. There is no time limit for grief. She will think about that baby and what could have been when she’s 90 because that was her baby. She may not have held the baby in her arms, but she held the baby in her heart, and she will carry this for the rest of her life.
You have no way of knowing what could have happened. You say the miscarriage helped her turn her life around, but how can you know the birth of that child wouldn’t have done the same? My uncle was a loser right until the day his son was born. He held his boy, and he cried, and he never looked back at his old ways.
Now he’s had the same steady job for the last 17 years, been married for 13 years, bought a house, 2 cars, etc.
You can be glad she turned her life around and also give her sympathy for her pain and the loss of her baby at the same time.” Whimsical934
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – life sucks, but she is milking that miscarriage.
She needs to get some therapy and move on with life if it bothers her so bad.
I had a miscarriage while I was an active addict too. That baby could have come out with 3 eyes and 10 thumbs for all I know, so I counted it as a blessing. However, I was sad because I loved the father, but he had broken up with me because I was partying hard at the time.
After the miscarriage, that very year, I also stopped partying and turned it around. He had a really hard time forgiving me, so we never worked out. I moved on to school and living life. I have an amazing life and 3 kids.
The baby’s father called me crying hysterically a couple of years later because he was told different things about the baby (I gave up the child, I was never prego, it was another man’s), and I had to really talk him off the ledge so-to-speak.
And I told him to get therapy, forgive me, and move on.
My best friend (his cousin) told me once how he mourned for years. I couldn’t say anything but hoped for him to heal and forgive me for not taking care of myself properly at that time.
He is happy now with 3 kids of his own (one is a newborn) and a successful business owner.” LadyElanor8
"Hi yeah, it might be difficult for you at a party celebrating new life but can I just tell you how lucky you are that your baby died because you were such a unpredictable person? Oh, by the way, celebrate me and my spawn that's still alive and gestating."
3. AITJ For Not Getting Rid Of My Dog For My Step Daughter Who Has A Dog Phobia?
“My husband and I have a modern Brady Bunch with my two kids, his daughter, and our child together. My two are in early elementary school, our child together is a year old, and his daughter is 15. His daughter only comes around in the summer, and due to…things, this is her first summer visit since her father and I got together in 2020.
She’s a very good kid, and gets good grades. The only issue is that his daughter has a deep fear and disgust around one thing and one thing only, dogs. I was told that there was a general culture against dogs where she was raised, but that culture intensified when there was a tragedy a few years ago involving dogs and some neighbor children.
My husband’s daughter saw the entire thing, and it stuck with her.
I have a 6-year-old golden retriever who my kids and I love dearly. I was worried that it could be a problem, but my husband told me it wasn’t a problem because it “wasn’t the same kind of dog” and “she could be polite about it.” It took about 4 hours.
The day she landed, we came home from dinner and then suddenly hear screaming coming from upstairs. It sounded like an emergency, so we rushed in, and it was because a few dog hairs had gotten on her clothes from Auggie walking through the room. She spent hours freaking out over it. She ran everything she got through the wash 3 full times, using an entire container of Oxyclean in the process, and deep cleaned the entire room.
We obviously did everything possible to prevent Auggie from going near her room after that and always kept the door closed, but it only got worse from there. She refused to sit on the living room furniture because it was “dirty,” obsessively vacuumed anywhere he could have been until I hid the vacuum and jumped back and screamed any time that he could have gotten near her.
It was very clear that something not good was going to happen if they continued living together, so we found an Airbnb down the street solely for her and split our time there. It was incredibly expensive but worked for the summer and allowed for some normal visit time.
We absolutely can NOT afford to do that again for 3 more summers.
My husband now wants to get rid of the dog because he thinks it’s unfair to his daughter to be “kicked out of her home” anyway even if we did have the finances. I will NOT get rid of Auggie. He’s part of the family. I love him, and the children that are all here more than her love and are bonded to him.
It’s not fair to them to get rid of him for a part-time child. We’ve been arguing about this for days now, and now his mom and his ex-wife are involved because of how this affects his daughter. They’re all saying I don’t love his daughter and am playing favorites. I don’t think I am.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your stepdaughter’s reactions are extreme and are indicative of someone who did not get the help she needed to deal with the trauma you discussed. Your husband and his ex are doing her a disservice by not arranging therapy for her.
Your golden is not the only dog she is likely to encounter, and the sooner she gets help, the better.” mysteresc
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
But you should encourage him to get her evaluated for OCD. Being so disgusted by a pet that you have to vacuum constantly is not healthy or normal.” Logical-Wasabi7402
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for calling her “a part-time child.” She is still your husband’s child 100% of the time whether she lives there daily or not.
As a step-parent, that really rubbed me the wrong way.
What happened with the tragedy?
If she witnessed something deeply traumatic with dogs, she can’t be expected to live with a dog. I get it because I am terrified of pit bulls due to childhood trauma. There is no way in heck I could ever stay in a home with a pit bull, and I am an adult.
It’s unreasonable to expect a teenager to magically get over that without some intensive therapy.
The best solution if at all possible is to have a friend or relative take the dog while she’s there. If that is completely impossible, then someone needs to work two jobs if necessary to afford either boarding the dog or the Airb&b.” tcrhs
2. AITJ For Not Wanting To Share My Business Profit With My Husband?
“I f32 have a leg disability that got worse to the point I could no longer work. So I stayed home with the kids for 4 years. I had plenty of free time after the kids became more independent, and I found myself sitting around all day long.
I have a sewing hobby that I learned while living with my grandmother since I was 13. So I started spending my time sewing. My husband made a laughing stock out of me calling me “grandma” or “granny” and running with the jokes and teasing. It was unbearable, but I ignored him.
Anyway, a friend of mine saw some of my works and suggested I open a website and sell what I make.
I was hesitant about it, and my husband’s opinion was, “Mehhh… Who would want to buy Grandma’s junk,” but I asked my friend to help me, and people really liked my work. They started buying them off of me which was shockingly amazing y’all. I started really investing in this, and in one month, I was able to make over $200-300.
It’s been 3 months now into the business.
When profit started coming, my husband would ask me to buy something or make a restaurant reservation, or even fix his car for him. When I refuse, he’d say that I have funds from my sewing business and should really pay. I decline every. single. time. he asks.
Yesterday, he showed me a wristwatch online that he really liked and asked if I could pay for it. I said no because I can’t afford it. He pointed out once again the profit I have from my sewing business, but I told him that what I made was literally “none of his business.” He blew up saying that I was being selfish and mean and said that the business profit SHOULD be split EQUALLY between BOTH of us (I use caps because he yelled those words), not just ME.
I told him he not only mocked me for sewing, but he even doubted my potential. Besides that, I do all the work, so why would he expect profit? He said that he as my husband gets half and I should really consider it or stop the sewing thing altogether. I laughed thinking he was messing around, but he left the house and then came back looking angry.
His friend called to “scold” me reminding me that my husband already “does” enough for me to be able to find time to sew and so he deserves a percentage, but I still refused. Now his family is pressuring me to share my earnings, but I’m still refusing.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH – at the core of it, you were a stay-at-home mom, and now you’re working again, so you should be contributing equitably to the household.
Your husband is definitely worse though for how he has handled basically every aspect of the situation, from relentless teasing of your hobby to a lack of support for your business to not addressing the financial situation directly and then involving friends and family in the conflict.” lankeyboards
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You’re a disabled, SAHP who has been contributing labor and rising four kids, which is a significant amount of carrying weight in the family.
Your husband has a crappy idea that only labor brings in financial matters, and his contempt for you reeks in everything he has been doing. He should have been treating you as a full partner whose labor is worthy and whose interests are not to be mocked.
You found a side hustle you enjoy, and which brings in a little extra bank, and he wants it instantly for luxuries for himself?
What’s going to happen is that his harping and denigration and entitlement to the profit is going to cause you to hate every stitch you sew while he vultures around waiting to snatch the proceeds.
This dude doesn’t like you, much less love you, and brought in his jerk friends to bully you. I’m so sorry you have to live like this with people who hold you in such open contempt.” Sea-Mud5386
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he mocked you all the way and even belittled you for sewing in the first place. From what you’re telling us, there’s not even a hint of remorse or an apology. It’d be different if his attitude had been different, but you reap what you sow.” throaway_indecisive
Another User Comments:
“You’ve been at home for four years. Who paid for your stuff? I mean, you’re married, right? So you share the responsibility for the household, right? It’s fair if he pays for everything but not if he expects you to use the profit you make to pay for something?
That he mocked you is just childish and he’s a jerk for that, but you refusing to pay for anything makes you a jerk as well.” Bbr1983
1. AITJ For Editing The Color Of My Sister-In-Law's Shirt In Our Wedding Photos?
“I got married back in June, and at my wedding, my now sister-in-law was wearing an outfit with a white top and a black bottom part.
I didn’t say anything to her at the wedding but going through my photos with the photographer, I felt like they were a bit silly since the top part of her outfit was literally the same color as my wedding dress, and in certain photos, it really made her pop out.
Since they are my wedding photos, I requested the photographer to make my SIL’s top to be grayish instead if possible.
We only edited the ones where she was standing next to/near me by the way.
When my photographer sent me the finalized version, I distributed them to my family members. My SIL got upset and asked why I edited her white top. I said it was because she stood out too much. SIL requested the original photos with her white top be sent.
I contacted my photographer. She said she could send them but at a cost since they were additional photos. I asked if she could just send the raw over, no processing, etc., but it was still extra. So I told my SIL if she wanted the original photos, she could pay me, and I’ll get them for her.
This made her upset even more, but I thought she dropped the issue. Fast forward some days, and I find out she’s talking crap about me behind my back. I went ahead and texted her why the heck she cares about the white top so much, and she says she looks really good in white and bought that outfit specifically since she wanted good photos.
I was dumbfounded by that comment, so I just didn’t reply to her text messages. Then my husband told me the next night that SIL is really upset with me and wants me to respond. She apparently believes I am insecure for editing the photos. AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She shouldn’t have worn white to a wedding, period.
The fact that she said she looks good in white and bought it specifically for that purpose (to look good in photos) shows how much of a narcissist she is. It was not her wedding. It was your day, not hers. If she’s upset with the final version of the photos, then she doesn’t have to get any.
She can pay the extra for her shirt to be reverted back to white so she can be the star of the show in her own mind. Let her kvetch all she wants. She’s a huge jerk.” Auchmanaughton
Another User Comments:
“I have seen posts in the past with bridezillas demanding people to cut their hair, lose weight, and other drastic changes that were absolutely ridiculous.
You didn’t ask much and you were even nice enough about her choice in outfit color.
Not wearing white when attending a wedding is basic respect and etiquette. It’s not that hard. It kinda sounds like she wanted to be the center of attention or some crap. NTJ.” iAmTheRealDeeDee
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Sheesh, what is it with brides and dictating guests what color they can wear?
This simply was not an issue when I got married, and I had plenty of guests dressed in white. In fact, my friend who caught the bouquet was in a white skirt suit, and she looked fabulous. I also attended a few weddings in white dresses, but they were definitely not going to be mistaken for wedding dresses.
Dang, I even took pics with the brides, and they never bat an eye. I was at a wedding recently, and there was a lot of white in the crowd. There was still no denying who the bride was, and no one stole her spotlight.
Unless a female guest literally shows up in a dress that looks too much like a wedding dress, I don’t see the big deal. And photoshopping your SIL’s top when she had a black bottom was a jerk move.
Here’s the problem with so many young brides these days. Y’all only think of that one day, and yes, we get it. It’s your day. But 20, 30 years from now, no one is going to remember these insignificant details, but your SIL will remember you being petty. Is all this really worth it in the long run?” WarLazy7979
Your SIL was the rude one. She wants the originals, she can pay for them
Dude, you are the jerk. Knock it off. Apologize and wipe that misogyny off your face.