People Want To Hear Our Perspective On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Dilemma
13. AITJ For Confronting My Stepson For Not Liking My Wife Or His Siblings?
“My wife Susan 40(F) had a son with her deceased partner James. However, both of them decided that they were still young, and would rather live it, so she allowed my brother-in-law Robert (47M) to adopt him.
The kid, Vincent (19M) was pretty much raised by him and his wife (45F). Before my wife met me, she decided that she wanted to be a parent to Vincent eventually, but James ended up getting cancer, and obviously, that demanded her attention more.
James died ultimately.
Up until Vincent was 14, he was led to believe that Susan was just his aunt. Robert, Mary (Robert’s wife), and Susan sat him down and eventually told him the truth.
Susan thought that she could be a mother to him after that, but according to Susan, Vincent just said that nothing had changed and that Susan is still just an Aunt to him, which made her cry when she left the house.
That dampened my opinion of the kid because that’s just a cruel thing to say to your own mother.
Recently, Susan learned from that Robert that he was planning on taking his younger ‘brother’ and ‘sister’ (In actuality, his cousins) out for the weekend.
Susan asked him if he could bring our kids, (13F and 11M) with him. He had said no because this was a day he wanted to spend with his siblings alone.
That made Susan upset and said that our kids were his siblings. He responded with ‘No, they aren’t.’ And hung up on the phone. That got me angry because he has met my kids and I thought they got along pretty well, so I called Robert and told him that we needed to talk to Vincent.
We met with him later that day, and I confronted him. I asked him what his problem was, and why he hates his siblings AND his mom. He said that he doesn’t.
I told him he clearly does, considering he said they aren’t his siblings. He said ‘They’re good children, they are. But they aren’t my siblings.’ (Which makes no sense to me, how can he say he doesn’t hate his siblings but say that they aren’t his siblings.)
I told him that this hatred is unhealthy and that he needs to let it go. He said that he doesn’t hate his ‘Aunt’ and that his ‘mother’ is the one who taught him that grudges are unhealthy.
Robert agreed with him and said that this has gone far enough, and he kicked us out. Susan cried all the way home.
I got a call from my MIL, who said that me and Susan need to get off our ‘high horse’, and that Susan doesn’t deserve to be called Vincent’s mother.
I thought I was right, but even my friends are saying I’m wrong. So I have to know, AITJ? I don’t think I am but I keep getting told otherwise.
I was just standing up for my wife.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ-
You don’t spring ‘im secretly your mom’ on a teenager and expect that they simply start calling you Mom and view your kids as siblings.
That’s not how family works.
He said nothing wrong. He did nothing wrong. He has siblings he was raised with. He wasn’t raised with his ‘cousins’ being siblings, they’re his cousins.
He wasn’t raised with his aunt being his mom, she’s his aunt.
And you butting your nose in to try to force a young adult to play parental emotional support to a grown woman is bananas.
This is a young adult who gets to make his own choices and live his own life. Your spouse made her choices and lived her own life. He doesn’t owe her anything.
And your spouse was not his parent at any point in time, she was his bio mom. That’s it.
Standing up for your spouse does not mean being a jerk to other people because your spouse is being an AH or making unreasonable demands that people cater to your wife’s feelings.
Go comfort your wife in her grief and leave everyone else out of it.” JetItTogether
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. For heaven’s sake, he doesn’t hate them!
Look, the boy is clearly doing his best to navigate a complicated emotional situation.
He seems, for now, to have come to a compromise that allows for all of you to remain in his life – which is, frankly, no more than your wife can ask for, 14 years later – and here you are, charging into this delicately hopeful construct like the proverbial bull in a china shop.
I can understand your protectiveness to an extent, but at this point, it is actively hindering your goal. You cannot just demand a person feel a certain way. Your wife is not Vincent’s mother just because you say she is, and her children are not his siblings.
His family is the people who raised him. This is natural, and it is admirable. Given time and space, he may come around to the idea of allowing Susan into his life more freely.
But if you keep this up he never will.” Shoereader
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Susan. Gave up. Her parental rights. That doesn’t make her a bad person, and I think anybody willing to give up those rights likely should.
A parent should be so fiercely loyal that the very idea of giving up those rights should be dismissed by the time the sentence competes itself in their mind. Susan did the right thing.
There’s nothing wrong with feeling regret over the decision; there’s nothing wrong with wanting Vincent to know the truth; there’s nothing wrong with wanting to work on a more maternal relationship in the present and future.
That said, there is only one person who can give those rights back to her, and that is Vincent. Susan can’t take them back, and nobody (as in: you) can do so on her behalf.
Vincent spent the first 14 years of his life (the most formative years) developing maternal and sibling bonds with Mary and her children while developing lesser familial bonds with Susan and your children as aunt and cousins.
The strength and nature of those bonds don’t just change because Susan began to regret prioritizing her youth over her own flesh and b***d a decade and a half after the fact and told him the truth.
IF Vincent ever decides to attempt that relationship with Susan, it will be his choice; if y’all keep trying to force it on him, you’re gonna make that choice for him, and it’s not gonna go the way y’all want it to.
To be honest, you’re shooting yourselves in the foot. A lot of 14-year-old boys in his situation would’ve gone no-contact with the lot of you and lived his life holding on to a smoldering grudge against the mother who rejected him before he ever drew breath.
The fact that he still has relationships with his aunt and cousins after that is a sign of great maturity on his part and indicates that given time and effort from the two of you, he might’ve someday been willing to make that choice.
If you all keep pushing it on him like he’s done something wrong in any of this, that maturity level will work against you when he sees that y’all can’t respect his boundaries and autonomy enough to let him live his own life.
Furthermore, if I were Mary, the two of you would pretty much be dead to me. Susan’s real family died, so now she expects to just come back on the scene and dismiss her like she’s some kind of place-holding surrogate.
Screw that. Mary changed his diapers when he was a baby. Mary nursed him when he was sick. Mary comforted him when he was sad or scared. Mary taught him the difference between right and wrong.
Mary taught him hygiene, manners, and basic life skills. That’s what being a mom IS. Mary did all that and more while Susan ordered another Vegas bomb. Seriously, how DARE you come around trying to erase her like that?” TurtleTheMoon
12. AITJ For Rehoming Another Person's Dog?
“About 6 months ago, a casual friend of mine (“Carl”) asked me to take his little dog “Max” for 2 weeks while he went to visit his family. Max has separation anxiety and barks a lot if left alone but I was recovering from some health issues and working from home at the time so I agreed.
It went smoothly at first though my cat bullied him some. I thought it was odd that Carl never called to check on Max but I figured he was enjoying his trip so I sent update texts every few days and let it be.
Carl didn’t show up at the end of the two weeks, no calls, no answering the dozen messages I left. I was still working from home at this point so while I was very worried, I could still easily care for Max.
By this point, the food had run out and I am feeding him out of my own pocket.
Four weeks in – I am supposed to return to the office.
I fib a bit to my doctor to get a note and extend my WFH period by another 2 weeks. Still nothing from Carl. We only have a few mutual friends and none of them have heard from him either.
I am leaving voicemails every day
Six weeks in – I have to go back to the office and Max must be left alone during the day. It goes poorly.
No one said anything the first week but by week 2, I am getting notes on my door about the barking. It doesn’t take long until I get a call from my landlord that they were getting complaints and I need to do something about it.
My cat is clearly miserable as well and is getting meaner and meaner towards Max. I still attempt to contact Carl but at this point, I assume I won’t hear back, possibly ever.
I google his name for arrest records or obituaries. I find his mom’s social media and send a friend request with a message but it was either an unused account or she ignored me because I never heard back.
At nearly 8 weeks, I give Max to another friend’s mom. She is retired, owns her property, and lost her own dog last year and I thought she’d be a perfect match for Max.
I was right, he settled right in and they’re both very happy together. I am relieved that I could avoid surrendering Max at the shelter. I leave one final message for Carl.
Last week, Carl showed up on my porch. He had a serious mental health episode and eventually landed in the hospital and then into a facility. He had lost his phone at some point near the beginning of his break and never received any of my messages.
He was absolutely furious to find out that I had given his dog away. I had to close the door in his face after a while because he was scaring me.
He made a mess on my porch and left.
He’s been calling me nonstop from different numbers to scream at me to get Max back but I don’t want to.
Max is good where he is. But I’m struggling with my decision. On one hand, his condition is out of his control and it wasn’t his fault that he abandoned Max.
But on the other, objectively it doesn’t matter why – the dog is simply better off in a stable home. But maybe that’s not my call to make. I’m not sure how I should feel so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
The deal was 2 weeks, despite losing his phone and being hospitalized he still had numerous options available to get in contact with you to ensure the safety and continued care of his dog.
He abandoned the dog for half a year making no provision for it or ensuring you could continue to provide care, there comes a point when an abandoned pet is no longer your pet; his reasons for not being able to collect Max are irrelevant.
Ideally, you probably should have made a reasonable effort to find out at what point Max is considered no longer his pet and, if you could not care for Max until then, try to place him in a long-term shelter instead of rehoming him yourself.
Then until that point had passed, Carl would have been able to claim his dog back if he returned before the time was up or they would rehome Max.
At this time, I’d suggest you speak to the police, and find out if the dog was abandoned long enough to not be Carl’s, if Carl still has reclaim rights you go get the dog back from his new home and return it to Carl.
While you’re talking to the police make sure they document both the damage to your porch and Carl’s continued harassment.” Professional_Ruin953
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
He said he lost his phone.
So like you stated no contact. But he did show up and how do you know that his dog isn’t his emotional support animal hence the breakdown.
I get your situation but you should of made it clear that her taking care of the dog was temp.
Since the dog wasn’t yours to give away in the first place but because of your situation you couldn’t care for the dog properly anymore.” Truant1281
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. His fault or not, he abandoned his dog. He should be grateful that you didn’t dump him at a shelter.
OP, a couple of months after a cat 5 hurricane wiped out large swathes of my town off the map, a cat showed up in my yard.
When I say “in my yard”, I mean the pitiful remnants of my yard, behind my partially destroyed, unlivable house. She was the skinniest animal I’ve ever seen, literally skeletal (and I’ve been involved with rescue for decades, I’ve seen skinny animals).
I started feeding her, and my awesome neighbor fed her on the days I couldn’t come work on my house.
I took her to the vet once they re-opened, and had her scanned for a chip.
She had one, but not updated, so I called the shelter to see if she had been adopted through them. They did have a cat with that microchip #, so I was able to get the name and number of her owners.
I called the #, and left a message (his VM identified the man as the name the shelter gave me). Called again a few days later. And again. And again. I found him on FB, messaged him and his wife, and called the number he had listed for his business.
I reached out to a mutual friend. Phones were still spotty for some after the hurricane, so I covered as many bases as possible in reaching out- over and over for months.
I had zero interest in taking on another animal when I was essentially homeless, living with my parents in a house that was only in marginally better shape than my own, but I wasn’t about to abandon her.
Friendliest cat ever.
8 months later, I bought a farm on the other end of town, and when I moved, she came with. Radio silence from her old owners. She became part of the family, and I thought no more of it.
2 YEARS later, I get a FB message out of the blue from the wife of her old owner, asking if she was still hanging around, and that her kids missed her very much.
They wanted her back. 🙄 Clearly they didn’t miss her that much, if she couldn’t be bothered to reach out until almost 3 years after she went missing. I struggled with what to do for a while but eventually messaged her back that yes, she was still around, and was living happily with a family that loved her very much.
I sent a photo to show that she was healthy and happy, then stopped responding.
Sometimes people either can’t take of their animals, or they won’t take care of their animals.
Sometimes it is out of their control. Come heck or high water, animals must be taken care of. If they cannot do it, then they cannot do it, and you bear no guilt for finding someone who can.
OP, you are NTJ. You did your best by the dog.” Falconfree42
11. AITJ For Refusing To Fund My Husband's Kids' Lives Outside Of The Home?
“My husband and I have been married for just less than 1 year. We have been together for 7 years. We have children from previous relationships. He has 3; 15-year-old boy, 13-year-old boy, and 12-year-old girl.
I have one; 8-year-old boy. My son lives with us full-time, his daughter spends every other weekend with us and his 2 sons live with there mom in a different state.
A little background, when we first got together, his kids were obviously much younger and my son was a baby. I pushed and asked for a relationship with his kids and their mothers but eventually stop pursuing the idea as it seemed as I was the only one interested in the possibility.
Fast forward to now, the kids are much older and I have zero relationship with their mothers (the boys have the same mom, his daughter has a different mother) and barely a relationship with his kids.
It’s not hostile or negative, it’s just not there. I’m pretty much invisible. It’s not ideal but it could be a lot worse.
In our home, I’m the breadwinner.
It’s always been that way. I’m fortunate to have a great job, extremely supportive parents, and a very privileged upbringing. My paycheck pays 80% of our bills and all of our household living expenses, trips, and extras.
My parents are extremely involved with my son and he spends plenty of nights and weekends with them. We have a great relationship and the life my son has is nothing short of a blessing.
Here’s where the problem comes in… because we got married, I was expected to provide for the 3 other kids at the same level I provide for my son. This is coming from parents who have never made an effort to get to know me, my family, or be involved in our lives at any point, despite my attempts to do so.
At first, the request started off small and I was inclined to think that this may be the start of relationship building so I obliged. And then it exploded. I was expected to pay their way for summer vacations, summer camps, new laptops, tvs, video games, sports team fees and equipment, you name it, I’ve been asked. I finally put my foot down as my family is planning a reunion trip and I was expected to plan the dates around his kids availability AND finance the trip, about $1,300 each.
I said no. It was not pretty.
This year and every year for back to school my husband was tasked with buying the back-to-school supplies. Not a problem. I encouraged it.
He provides financially for the kids through child support, weekly allowance, and whatever else comes up. I’ve never had a problem with the finances or with him providing for them.
Never. The difference this year, all the kids want designer shoes and bags and are looking to me to make that purchase and I don’t want to.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Shut everything down NOW.
They can’t respect you enough to be civil and don’t live in your house full-time of course they don’t get the same things.
It is your responsibility to YOUR SON ONLY.
These other children are NOT YOUR nor are your RESPONSIBILITY.
More so because this isn’t going to stop with just materialistic things. The next thing will be a car for each kid.
Prom. Then college expenses AND college tuition. Etc. Etc. Etc. No.
Why are their mothers not working on getting their OWN CHILDREN what they asked for? That’s what they are for.
summer vacations, summer camps, new laptops, TVs, video games, sports team fees, and equipment
NONE OF THESE THINGS LISTED ARE BASIC NEEDS
ANYTHING above and beyond basic needs should be paid for BY THEIR OWN PARENTS.
YOU are not an ATM for him nor his other children.
Please please please consider views from your son’s perspective and get him out of this hostile environment.” SuperHuckleberry125
Another User Comments:
“Your husband feels entitled to your wealth now that you are married. His expectation that you provide for his other children is disrespectful. It is not your responsibility to provide expensive LUXURY items for HIS children who wanted no relationship with you.
Your husband, his exes, and their children are taking advantage of you.
Your husband is doing an excellent job of showing you what he wants out of this relationship: your finances.
You need to set firm boundaries with all of them. If you do not already, I suggest having separate bank accounts (do not give him access as he may go against your wishes and use your finances to buy things for his kids).
Consult a lawyer and protect your assets.
If I were you, I would be rethinking the relationship. Your husband is treating you like an ATM to fund not only the majority of costs in your shared home but also for his other children who live with his ex partners, with whom you do not have any form of relationship or responsibility.
It would be one thing if the mother of his child could barely afford to put food on the table and he wanted you to help him contribute a bit more if you were willing to do so… and even then it would not be your responsibility!
But the AUDACITY of him to EXPECT you to pay for designer bags and vacations for HIS children with YOUR hard-earned savings is so freaking rude and entitled…
Absolutely NTJ.” wise_unicorn_queen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Make sure that you have a separate financial account, that way you are not financing his children.
He has 3 children. The saddest thing of all is that he is not being a father to the children, and if they are expecting you to provide for them, then what is next, are they going to ask you to pay his child support for him?
What all is he doing for his children? Taking them out, being their father, spending quality time with them? Or is it that he expects you his wife to be the parent so he can just check out?
I can see that as stepparents, feeding, housing, and sometimes clothing (within reason), but the expensive items, that should be between him and them. And then there will be the question of say a college fund.
If you set one up for your child, do not let your husband know and make your parents the trustee of such account. Something tells me you may want to sit down and look at what all you are providing for your child and then make sure that if it needs to go to your child, that it is not something your husband can get his hands on at all.” JCWa50
10. AITJ For Not Wanting To Share A Bed With My Disabled Sister?
“I (16F) have a sister (15F) with Down syndrome and autism.
She cannot care for herself and is completely dependent on us. The doctors say her mental age is probably that of a 2-year-old for context. I have my own room and my sister also has her own room and her own bed. However, our mom keeps making excuses as to why my sister needs to stay in my room.
She says she needs to clean my sister’s mattress AGAIN before she sleeps on it because there’s a possibility there could be dust on it since it was moved around quite a bit.
It was cleaned about a 6 months ago and nobody has slept on it since. To me the mattress is pretty clean, it doesn’t smell like anything and is completely white.
My sister has been staying in my room for about 4 months now.
My sister sleeps on an air mattress on my floor that is constantly broken, and my mom never buys a new one.
They usually break within the same day we get a new one. This means my sister is basically sleeping on the floor for the past few months, which I can understand can be painful.
This has caused her to try to sleep in my bed instead.
The problem is our mom never cleans my sister and never makes her take baths or showers. She probably bathes her once or twice a month.
And my sister chances her own diapers. Obviously she is not very good at changing her own diapers and doesn’t really know how to wipe and properly clean herself.
This causes her to frequently get poop everywhere she sits, including all over her clothes.
I have recently started to notice that my bed smells like poop. Which sucks for me because our mom won’t let us use the washing machine because it’s been broken for the last 5 months and always makes excuses as to why she can’t take our clothes to wash.
So I have no way of fixing this and no spare sheets.
The problem is that every time I complain about this to my mom she starts screaming at me and says she’s going through a lot right now and that she’s busy and tired and doesn’t have time to fix it, and that it really shouldn’t bother me that she’s in my bed because there’s room for the both of us.
And that I’m just making things difficult for no reason. My siblings (my brother and my disabled sister) always side with her and start yelling at me for stressing her out.
Also, my mom or my brother don’t have beds; my brother (27M) sleeps on the floor, and my mom (61F) sleeps on a chair in the kitchen if that helps.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“OP, I feel so sorry that you are in such a difficult situation. You’re NTJ for not wanting to share your bed, but your living situation sounds like it’s time to get others involved.
I do have questions though:
You say your mom sleeps in a chair, but your sister has her own room with what appears to be a suitable/newish bed – if your mom doesn’t want your sister pooping in the ‘new’ bed, why isn’t she sleeping there instead?
It sounds like she’d sleep better and be less tired.
you have your own bed and your own room, yet your sister, brother and mother all apparently do not (since apparently your sister isn’t allowed to sleep in ‘her’ room)?
This is very strange. In most cases, people would redistribute the sleeping arrangements. Why is your brother sleeping on the floor and your mom in a chair when there is an apparently vacant room?
Is it possible that your mom has some mental health or physical health challenges that could be contributing to this neglect? If so, might your family qualify for some help caring for your sister?
(I mean, I assume you’re American based on the use of ‘mom’ so I imagine your access to healthcare is next to nil)
You do need to ask for help from someone.
Your sister clearly needs more care than your mom can provide. This isn’t a criticism of your mom – it sounds like all of you are struggling – but she needs to ask for help or you need to do it for her.
It’s not fair to expect the parentification of you to help your sister, but at 16 it’s also reasonable for you and your 27yo brother to help out in ways that are appropriate and proportionate – cleaning, cooking, shopping, etc. At 16, I was expected to help with doing washing and some minor cooking and cleaning tasks.
This is not unreasonable. It’s unfair to expect your mom to do it all. Is there a reason you can’t take your own laundry to a launderette?
It sounds like you’re living in difficult financial circumstances (hence the broken washing machine etc) so I understand if you don’t have the change to go to a launderette but what about a Saturday job?
When I was your age, I was working a few hours every weekend at a retail store. This could be an option for you. You haven’t said if you have a job or not.
Regarding your sister’s incontinence, is she genuinely incontinent or is it just that no one has potty trained her? This sounds like something to discuss with a health or social care worker.
You need help. Please reach out to your local community resources and cps.” Vequihellin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
OP…please get in contact with CPS or anyone who can help you.
In the meantime stand your ground, I know you might not want to but sleep in an alternative place but vacuum up your sister’s mattress and sleep on it. Or bring it into your room (assuming it’s big enough since your sister’s sleeping on an air mattress) and have your sister sleep on her own bed.
In the meantime to clean your bed, you can add baking soda and in a bottle 1:1 water and vinegar and let it set while you go to school. Once you come back from school, vacuum it up and let it air out for about an hour or two.
If you have a bathtub you can hand wash your sheets there using laundry detergent or the powder stuff and if you have a working dryer, use it. If not then you can use a hairdryer (might sound silly but I used to do it) or let it air dry.
If you need more cleaning or sanitizing help don’t be afraid to message me.” Steal_ur_memes
Another User Comments:
“Yikes. Okay, NTJ first of all. Second of all, you should probably call CPS.
Your sister needs a high level of care she isn’t receiving. You need a basic level of care that you also aren’t receiving. There’s also this clean bed no one is using?
Is it possible to instruct your sister to go to her own bed? Will she understand and comply with this request? I say this because I know most people are extremely hesitant to call protective services and most of the time will not.
It’s definitely the best option but one I doubt you’ll follow so I’m just throwing out other ideas. If you were able to get your sister to her bed would your mom be mad?
If so, you need to tell your mom how unhealthy and frankly disgusting your living situation is and that not having your sister in your bed or on your floor is a boundary she can’t cross.
But seriously please call CPS. If not for yourself for your sister.” tamsinred
Another User Comments:
“Ntj, you need to talk to your school counselor or a trusted teacher about what is going on in your life.
Take photos too if you can. I’ve heard of teachers calling child protective services because of students smelling like cat pee. Your situation is more extreme than that. Your sister isn’t receiving the care she needs, it’s inhumane and could make her ill.
This is child neglect. You and your brother are being neglected too. YOU could become seriously ill by this environment too. There’s a reason why animals don’t poop in their nests and dens.
To me, it seems like your mom is trying to train you to be her caregiver. Which is wrong. You are a child in this situation, you are not trained for this.
You and your siblings deserve better care, clean clothes, and clean beds to sleep in. Do not be yelled into silence by your mother. Find help please.” Throwawayforfanfics
9. AITJ For Kicking My Sister's Friend Out Of The House?
Don’t disrespect a house you don’t live in.
“I(26M) have a pretty good relationship with my MIL ‘Cynthia’.
My husband was on a trip so I went to visit her and invited my sister to come with me since she’d been saying she wanted a break and there’s a lake near my MIL’s house and some bike and hiking trails.
A couple of days before we left, my sister asks if her friend ‘Lisa’ (30F) can come with us because her long-time relationship just ended and she needed cheering up.
I said I’d ask my MIL so I did and Cynthia said it was fine. She even had me ask what some of Lisa’s favorite meals and desserts were so she could make them for her.
Now my MIL is one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met, but she’s also devoutly religious just not in a preachy, “It’s my mission to save your soul” kind of way but more of a “You do you” way.
There are a couple of knickknacks in the common areas of her home, a metalwork cross in her backyard, and the rest of her religious paraphernalia she keeps in her bedroom.
Lisa’s an atheist and I warned her my MIL is religious and she said that’s fine so long as she isn’t preached at.
The first morning there, Lisa comes to breakfast and asks MIL if she has a blanket she can hang in front of the bedroom window that she can see the cross from.
Cynthia looked a bit put out but didn’t say anything except that she’d let Lisa and my sister sleep in her room for their stay since her bedroom faces the front yard.
She asked me to help her take some of her pictures and statues down to put in a box in her closet. I figured everything was solved. The next day I did some grocery shopping with MIL and when we came back, my sister had her ‘Oh crap’ look on when we came inside and said she tried to stop Lisa.
We ask her to stop what and my sis pointed outside. Lisa had gotten a drop cloth from the garage and covered the metal cross with it. My MIL was visibly upset so I asked her if she wanted me to handle this and said yes.
Go outside to ask Lisa w*f she thought she was doing and Lisa says she didn’t want to look at it while she was drawing and writing because it was distracting and bringing down her mood.
I told her she could enjoy a happy mood undistracted at a hotel for the rest of the stay, or we’ll drive her to the closest airport so she can fly home instead of drive with us because she’s not welcome in my MIL’s anymore being that disrespectful and rude.
Lisa argued that she was just trying to be comfortable but I told her I didn’t want to hear it- Cynthia had already given up enough to accommodate her. It was fine to grieve her relationship but don’t treat others like crap.
She opted to leave and ever since then, their friends have been blowing up my messages that I am a jerk for kicking her out cause now Lisa had to spend funds she didn’t intend to and that we should’ve just let it go since it wasn’t anything major.
Maybe I did overreact, I was just pretty mad she treated MIL like that when she’d been trying to be so welcoming. AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“Qualified athiest here… I like to think of it as being a little a or big A.
An atheist doesn’t believe and is ok if you do you, to each his own, just don’t go for the conversion and we’re cool. An Atheist is just as devout as a theist and makes it their mission to convert the world.
The big As are usually insufferable jerks that make everyone around them miserable.
What Lisa did was to be a rude guest, a total AH move. If someone lets you stay in their house then the least you can do is have a little restraint with criticizing how they decorate.
You’re good, you stood up for your MIL which is the most important thing here, anyone that disagrees can pound salt. Lisa has a crappy attitude, and should not be surprised if people demand she leave after behaving poorly now or in the future.
Serves her right if she’s got to pay to travel home, maybe it will help her learn some manners. This is the world trying to teach her a lesson, you just happen to be the person to deliver the message.
NTJ.” ActRepresentative530
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Funny how Lisa demanded she not be preached at, then behaved in a way that clearly preached her anti-theist perspective.
What kind of person goes to stay at a stranger’s house, as the guest of a guest, where the hosts have given up their bedroom and is catering to them and proceeds to insult and rearrange the house?
Her behavior was disgusting. Anyone who knows the full story and is on her side should be blocked because they are just as prejudiced and ill-mannered as her! Ask them if they would react the same way to her covering up pride flags because she’s not part of the community and found them ‘distracting.’ It’s basically the same thing.
Thank you for standing up for your MIL, who tried to do something kind and was basically spat at for it. She’s a good woman, and I hope this experience doesn’t make her change her ways.” Accomplished-Cheek59
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Cynthia was very accommodating by letting her switch rooms and was being very polite and understanding that not everyone is into looking at crosses.
Unless Lisa has some actual religious trauma, in which case she never should have agreed to go in the first place as you protect yourself where you can, you don’t just demand others to reshape their lives for you, she should have ignored it like a normal human being.
Even if you are an atheist, you can understand that to Cynthia, the cross has sentimental, emotional and spiritual value and that covering it up is hurtful. Maybe to these ‘friends,’ it wasn’t major, but to Cynthia it was.
It was like if you had a shrine for a dead relative in your house or a statue of a deceased pet outside and someone covered it up because they didn’t want to see it, but it is something of obviously great emotional value to the person that has it and concealing it will obviously upset them.
There is no pretending to ‘not know,’ it meant a lot to the person either.” EnergyThat1518
8. AITJ For Calling My Son Selfish For Wanting To Spend His Birthday With His Ex-Nanny Instead Of His Family?
“My (44F) son is turning 21 in a few months.
Growing up, my husband was very busy with his business and I ran operations for him so we hired a nanny to help with my son and his sister (17) because we had work obligations or his business required us to travel halfway around the world.
One nanny worked with us until my daughter was 2, after which she left after she had her own baby. Her replacement, the ex-nanny in question, worked for us until my son was 16 when we decided that both kids were self-sufficient enough to stay home by themselves if we had to travel somewhere for a few days.
Now both kids are almost grown and I have been named CEO of my husband’s company because he has been suffering from mobility issues and heart problems. His immune system is bad enough that now any type of minor cold turns into an issue where we have to worry about his heart and his lungs.
We are dealing with the joy of our kids becoming kind and high-achieving adults but are also dealing with grief from the fact that our kids now seem to have a whole separate life.
My husband is also suffering from cognitive impairment problems, so I really think that we should savor any lucid moment we can have with our kids while we ( and especially he) still can.
My son is approaching his milestone 21st birthday in a couple of months and I have been planning to contract a party planner to organize a brunch party of sorts with family and close relatives and then afterward we planned to pay for him and his friends to have a staycation at a local hotel.
My son approached me today and said that he did not want a party and if I wanted to we could go out to eat for dinner and buy a cake, but that his ex-nanny ( who is now 64) comes to town occasionally to visit her kids and he invited her to come up when she wished him an early happy birthday.
He told me he was paying for her train ticket and was going to take her out to lunch and gifting her a bottle of wine or something. He also said he didn’t want a staycation and can always see his friends to celebrate another day.
To be honest, I was extremely hurt. I told him I wanted to plan a big 21st celebration for him and he said he wanted to celebrate with us too.
Now he’s basically choosing somebody who isn’t in his life over his parents. I called my son selfish and reminded him that we didn’t know how long his dad had with us, or if he would be lucid for that time.
My son got mad at me for pulling the ” dad has a degenerative disease” card and stormed out, saying his mind is made up.
My son goes to college in the city and lives in a nearby dorm but we don’t see him very often, especially since his summer finance internship had him working crazy hours.
And now even on special occasions, he seems to be choosing others over me and his dad. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
and you do know it. You’re just upset that he’s called you out on it.
You should be thankful that his former nanny was such a caring, wonderful individual, she raised your children as if they were her own – and now you’re upset because your son prefers her company to yours?
Do you even know him? His joys, his passions? not the stuff he posts on social media – but the stuff he cherishes and doesn’t share with the world? I can bet the former nanny knows EVERYTHING about your son – because she was available to him.
You should count your blessings and embrace this woman with everything you have. Don’t blame your son for the way he was parented – you did that… er, didn’t do that..
you didn’t parent him… it seems like, really, at all…
I am a single working mother with two kids on the autism spectrum. I work full time plus a side gig – I have babysitters and childcare and all of that – I still know which toothpaste makes my 9 yo daughter gag, and which stuffed animal my 23 yo son sleeps with.
I know those things because I am present in their worlds.
Why would he want to spend a lot of time with people he doesn’t really know, and who don’t really know him?
This is a time for you to touch base with your son and apologize for not making his time a priority… if you really mean it. Don’t try to buy his love with parties – trust me, they’re all for show – and he knows it… “look how much I’m spending on your party, my wonderful son” is how he will see it… because that’s always how it’s been, right?
You might want to think about listening to your son for a change. Otherwise, you’ll lose him forever… and it’ll be all your own fault.” DevineMzEmms
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, I’m afraid…and perhaps it’s a good thing for you that you threw yourself on the court of public opinion.
You might just learn something that could save your relationship with your children.
I’m afraid the chickens have come home to roost. While you were busy taking care of business, and putting business first and kids second, you were clearly sending the message to them that this is the way the world works: mom and dad think other things are more important than you are, and will give you whatever attention is left over after the work day is through…though if the work day is half-way around the world, you’ll probably get nothing.
Enjoy the nice nanny, the only adult who will treat you like you actually matter through your formative years, until we decide for you that we’re just going to discard her.
And now your children have decided it’s time to return the favor. You officially come in second…and even that place might be fading.
So you have two choices here: DON’T recognize the mistake you made in the name of gelt and accomplishment, and watch things just continue to get worse and worse with only your sense of self-righteousness to comfort you, or DO recognize it and start apologizing FAST while there’s still time.
Maybe…MAYBE your can salvage these relationships. But if that’s what you want, you’d better get used to the taste of crow, and the feeling that second place is where you belong.
You’re going to be there for a while…maybe forever.
I wish you the wisdom to choose the second choice here. But I’m not holding my breath on it.” NoOneStranger_227
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, I’ve been your son. Mom ran a construction company and rarely had any time for me at all. She did the same thing as you did, in my case, it was other people who drove me to school and took me to places, our relationship is really based on finances mostly.
Living with her was similar to living with a roommate. Heck man, eventually I just forgot her birthday a bunch of times since she was not in my life at all often.
Also, the finances were nice, but I can tell you it gets old when everything under the sun revolves around your parents’ work. To this very day, I don’t understand why people like eating with each other at a table lol.
People would tell her subtly to pay me more attention, but that just never got through to her. She would also do things as you did like getting stuff or making plans that I honestly didn’t want.
Nowadays if I need something related to finances, I’ll contact her. But personal issues? Absolutely not, she just doesn’t understand what I need and what person I am.
The fun part is that he’s 21 and hasn’t noticed what you did entirely.
So, this is quite fixable, and all it requires of you is to ask your son what he wants from you. Like why would he care if his dad was dying even though they were not close?
I can tell you my dad’s death was mostly my appeasing my sister who had a relationship with him.” KilluaTuner
7. AITJ For Telling My Father It's His Fault That I Had To Raise My Brother?
“My (20f) mom died 7 years ago when my little brother E(10m) was 3yrs old.
It really devastated all of us, and of course I miss her more than anything. If she was still here, things would be so much better than they currently are.
Her death really destroyed my dad, he just became really withdrawn and pretty much only focused on going to work and coming home. He fell back on taking care of E so I started doing it instead.
I would miss out on school dances, social events, award ceremonies, etc. to take care of my brother. I stopped even trying to go out, bc when I did, my dad would always ask me to cancel plans to look after E anyway.
I was supposed to go out of state for college, but bc I knew my brother would end up having to fend for himself, I picked local school instead. I still live at home and even work from there so that I can help out too.
Ive tried not to be upset about it too much, bc my father lost his wife and I know that he’s hurting, but I just wish I could do something other than be my brother’s parent.
School started up again for my brother recently, and while I was making dinner he took a flyer out of his backpack and gave it to me. It was a notice about a ‘meet the teacher’ night.
He was telling me all about the other details of it when our dad walked in the kitchen and asked what was going on. My little brother kind of dismissed him and told him it was just between the two of us, but maybe he’d talk to him about it later.
The topic was switched after that and my brother didn’t bring it up again before he went to bed so I didn’t really think anything else of it.
We did the whole teacher night thing, which I informed my dad of via text, and when we got back home my dad sent my brother upstairs bc he wanted to talk to me.
He told me that I need to tell my brother that I am not the one he should be asking about important school stuff because I’m not his mother, and I’m definitely not his parent.
He said it was disrespectful of me to even take E to the event in the first place, but especially malicious for me to let my brother continue acting as though I am his mom.
The whole thing just made me made. I told my dad that it’s his fault my brother views me that way to begin with because he clearly wasn’t up to doing the job after our mom died, and that the only person he should be upset at is himself for making his grieving daughter take up all of the duties that he fell short on after the death of his wife.
I told a friend what happened, and she does think I’m right, but she also thinks it was cruel of me to say it like that to my dad bc clearly he’s still hurting.
Now I’m not sure if I was being a jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your dad needs to hear the truth about his neglect. However, now he has shown an interest, I would give him a chance to step up.
Do not apologise for stepping up or downplay the impact on you both. However, also tell him you are really happy he is back and ready to take on the parent role.
Give him a list/schedule of everything you do for your brother. I am not going to lie; your father may let you down and not step up. But there is also a chance he will step up and take responsibility from your shoulders.
Don’t be a martyr because you are angry. You deserve a chance to enjoy being young too. It is in your interests to work with your father for him to take back the parent role.
Just to be clear, I don’t think OP should be doing all the emotional labor or twist herself in knots to make this happen. But be open and accommodating to him stepping up.
It is not going to be perfect and he will do things differently to you and that will be tough to watch. But if he is not neglecting or harming your brother, it is also okay.” Cherry_clafoutis
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He basically made you into a parent. It’s great that your brother has you that you do love him and care about him, but it just seems like he is running away because granted, I know that it does suck that you lose a family member that you do dearly loved, but something tells me that he’s using that blanket excuse for years and now that you actually told him off, he knows he really can’t hide behind it anymore.
What’s gonna happen when your brother graduates and he thinks you and he’s sitting there (because he’s forced to). And hears that you raised and loved him while your dad just did nothing.
Seriously it just seems like he just wanted an excuse just to do whatever he wants at the expense of your childhood.
Next time he says something and because I’m a petty person, just address them as Frank from now on.
Just because I’ve seen Shameless so many times, it sounds like you took up the Fiona roll and he kinda reminds me of Frank but not as intoxicated. Just call him Frank from now on, and if he gets angry, just say watch Shameless and you’ll find out.” RealisticNoise2
Another User Comments:
“You are not the jerk. Your dad got into a cycle of grief and checked out. You picked up the slack and he got used to it.
Something about the school conference got through to him. Problem is his “aha” moment came with a defensive reaction. For at least that reason, your telling him off that as appropriate.
He doesn’t get to spend your life grieving to the point of coma while you do it all. You and your brother lost your mom. Why didn’t your dad have empathy for your grief.
Why doesn’t your friend give any due to you having, as a kid, having to grieve the loss of your mom, help your brother deal with it, and also give up your life decisions on the star of your dad’s grief meaning more than yours.
He is an adult!!!!
He also didn’t mind you doing all the heavy lifting and making any number of sacrifices that made life easier for him as long as you didn’t reap any benefit from it.
Your brother is a wise little guy. He looks to you as a parent because you stepped up; you love him; you took care of him when dad was just not there personally.
Your brother understands not to expect anything from your dad based on your dad’s own actions or lack there of. It isn’t because you manipulated your brother into seeing you that way.
So you told dad off and you were justified. There will be future conversations with him and he may try to offload his guilt on you. Don’t let him.
Tell him each and every time you stepped at great cost to your own life and emotional health and he needs to thank you not castigate you. Tell him he needs to step up and pay attention to his two kids whether he is still grieving or not.
Tell him you will remember for a lifetime how alone he left you and your brother emotionally and you won’t accept anything from him that implies you should have done anything differently.
He is suddenly aware that you are almost grown; you may leave home and make your own way. You may not ever feel close to him; let alone obligated. He and only he needs to fix this.
He knows your brother is attached to you to the point of not bothering with him at all. He can see that he may lose the love of his son who doesn’t look to him as a parent.
His anger about that needs to be accepted by him as his own doing.” 2ndcupofcoffee
6. AITJ For Not Wanting To Take Care Of My Mentally Ill Husband?
“I (26F) am the mother to a 1.5-year-old and married to my husband (39M, let’s call him D). We met in college and dated briefly, then got back together years later & married.
In the time we were apart, D went through a traumatic incident at work and developed a severe paranoid disorder. He never was given a firm diagnosis as he never saw the same psych for long enough but some diagnoses include schizophrenia, delusional disorder, & most recently depression w psychotic episodes.
He has gone in/out of treatment but continually has breakdowns due to stopping his meds whenever things start to stabilize. He thinks he doesn’t need them, and he doesn’t like being on them since they are strong.
His breakdowns involve him quitting his job, hallucinating & slurring his words, and not being able to walk. I have to help with simple tasks like putting on socks, doing all the chores, using the same utensils as him for fear they are “poisoned,” eating the same bites of food as him, using the same products as him, etc.; it is exhausting.
The last time it happened, I was pregnant and it was very difficult. He has breakdowns maybe 1-1.5 years apart. Each time I think things are resolved & then they fall apart.
About a month ago he relapsed again. He thought that I was part of the “bad people” and became extremely rude towards me. As we now have a kid, I told him he needed to get help for himself either from a hospital or from family (his family lives overseas).
I told him I couldn’t take care of him bc we have a child who needs me, I work FT, and his intention was to quit his job but not seek treatment and instead stay in our apartment all day while he made me & our kid stay with my parents.
He immediately booked a flight home, quit his job (told them we were divorcing), and left us. I honestly thought he was going to seek medical treatment. I didn’t think him leaving was the right option, but I also knew I couldn’t take care of him again.
Shortly after he landed he texted saying he missed me. He’s now begging to come home saying it was a mistake and he left bc I told him to leave the house.
He’s got his family/friends saying that it wasn’t his fault. I still am logged in to his email inbox, and today I discovered he’s been emailing himself his exes’ photos he claimed didn’t exist (I once found them while using his laptop).
I actually also found out I’m pregnant again right after he left (a surprise).
I do believe everyone deserves a second chance. I also acknowledge he wanted more support this time than was given.
I initially told him we need to be separated & if he stabilizes, seeks treatment, and stays on his meds, then eventually we can reunite. He told me I would need to decide in 1-2 months because he needs a companion for his mental health & would want to date elsewhere if I didn’t.
But after seeing the photos, I’m at my wit’s end, so please advise me: AITJ for not wanting to be his caregiver?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It sounds like your husband needs inpatient care, not a “companion for his mental health.”
Also, you’re not breaking your marriage vows by telling him you cannot be his sole caretaker anymore. Marriage is about working together, not setting yourself alight to keep your partner warm.
You would have been able to support him more had he been taking his meds regularly and committed to therapy. Nobody should be expected to take on the responsibility of such severe mental health problems and very few are able to.
That TikTok you saw represents a tiny minority who can, and you shouldn’t be trying to hold yourself to an almost impossible standard.
You have a toddler and, very soon, a baby to think about.
You’ve done what you can for your husband and have made it clear to him what you are able to do from now on. What he decides to do with that is up to him, but I can tell you with certainty that women are not going to be falling over themselves to be with him while he refuses to help himself.” ImStealingTheTowels
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have a close family member who is schizophrenic. They do stabilize eventually if they stay on their meds permanently, but this early acute period can last years and remains as exhausting as you’re already finding it.
Just please let him go. He can’t contribute to your household and the screaming, paranoia, all-night manias, and other traits are going to be horrible for you and your kids.
The sleep deprivation they inflict on everyone else in the house is especially damaging as you try to keep the family afloat as the sole breadwinner. For my family member, work stress triggered his psychotic episodes, and not working was one of the main things that stabilized him in the end, but that won’t help you and your family.
It’s better handled by his family of origin overseas.
Please also look into taking choline supplements and add them to your prenatal vitamins (with your doctor’s approval, etc). The new book Hidden Valley Road, about a family of 10 kids, 6 of which have schizophrenia, highlighted recent research that shows choline supplements in the womb may help prevent the genetic markers for schizophrenia from manifesting.
They don’t help kids and adults after birth, unfortunately.
Good luck.” SpaceCommuter
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And as a partner of a bipolar person who’s usually functional but has bad episodes occasionally, I totally feel you.
It is EXHAUSTING to suddenly be the only adult, and I can’t imagine having to deal with that while being a parent to a small child.
Notably, though, it doesn’t sound like your partner is doing the work.
He needs to have a regular, consistent mental health provider. Working with a counselor to learn coping skills and ways to self-support. And especially, getting a long-term psychiatrist who can help figure out meds.
(These kinds of disorders, there are a bunch of conditions that appear pretty similarly. Figuring out the right diagnosis helps with figuring out the right meds.) I can’t speak to how much my partner has improved since we got him on the ‘right’ meds.
Last, I have to say that a clutch part of being able to handle this kind of partnership for me is that he trusts me, and even when in mental health places, he knows that I’m ‘on his side.’ One time, he was sure he should go outside.
He stripped off all his clothes and was going to head outside. My pleading or logic couldn’t reach him, but my assertion that I would absolutely follow him outside and didn’t have keys to get back in did.
When I couldn’t reach him intellectually (because he wasn’t functioning in a way that could process that), I had that deep thing inside him where the need to be good to me could sometimes cut through.
Your husband doesn’t seem to have that, and I’m sorry but I don’t know if it’s doable without it…” very_busy_newt
5. AITJ For Kicking Out My Stepsister Because Of How Her Foster Child Acted?
“I (30F) invited my dad to visit me and my husband for a week as we live abroad. He brought his wife, who asked if her daughter Linda could come as well.
I don’t know Linda very well as our parents got together when we were already adults, but she always seemed fine, as does her husband James so I said okay.
Linda notified us that she would be bringing her foster child, let’s call her Sophie, 12F. I didn’t think this would be a problem, but I was wrong.
Sophie was incredibly hyper from the minute she stepped in the house. She would interrupt conversations and demand attention. Linda did nothing about her behavior. The first few days were long and arduous, with Sophie complaining about every activity and meal without fail, and dictating the running order of everything because if she didn’t get her own way she would have tantrums like a toddler and swear like a sailor.
She also damaged some art supplies I let her borrow to paint with and damaged the desk in my husband’s study. We were all fed up but felt sorry enough for Linda and James having to put up with it all the time that we didn’t say anything.
She also developed what I consider an inappropriate and weird fixation with my husband; she would demand to sit next to him at restaurants or at home, ask to hold his hand when crossing roads, and just generally latched onto him, at one point she even tried to sit on his lap.
The final straw was when we were all eating dinner at my apartment before me, my husband, James, and Linda were going out for the evening and the parents would watch Sophie.
Sophie was whining that she wasn’t allowed to come and Linda said it was an adults-only evening. Sophie finished her food and left the table, and two minutes later we hear something smash.
We all rush to the lounge to see that a very expensive ornament has smashed on the floor, and Sophie is standing there looking smug. She said it was an accident but none of us believed her.
Linda offered to pay for the damage until she found out the cost, and had the decency to be mortified and apologetic, but I’d had it. I told her to pack up the kid and go, she might be committed to this but I didn’t commit to property damage and having my life run by a child.
Linda and James pleaded that Sophie was just feeling upset and insecure, but I’d had enough of cutting slack to everyone involved. Eventually they left to stay in a hotel.
My dad’s wife was beside herself and said I should have had more compassion for what Sophie is going through, meeting new people and traveling for the first time etc., and maybe some of her attitude can be explained by that, it’s not the majority.
While my dad is on my side about not wanting her around, he said it was overkill to throw them out immediately, but I don’t see why I should have to put up with destruction in my own home and foot the bill for the privilege.
What was the kid going to destroy next? Am I missing something here? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Sounds like your stepmother didn’t properly raise her daughter who is in turn not properly parenting her foster daughter to behave properly and to provide consequences for her misbehavior, not indulge and excuse it.
It is bad enough that they invited themselves but their presence in essence hijacked the entire visit with your father, which was the point of the visit.
Since it sounds like this is not a new development in her foster daughter’s behavior they should have been honest with you about her behavioral issues so you could have established boundaries prior to the trip.
Such as they can come, but cannot stay with you, and that the foster daughter can accompany you in activities but you are not changing the entire vacation you had planned to suit her, and that if she cannot behave they will have to depart the activity with her and they are responsible for any damages she makes to your property.
They are making excuses and not accepting accountability and responsibility for this disaster when they should be apologizing profusely
If i was your father i would be mortified that my wife’s daughter invited herself & her daughter and then destroyed the visit as well as the property.
I also would be mortified if i invited myself on a vacation and my child was acting as you described. I would not subject other people to this type of behavior and would remove myself and my child from the situation so as not to ruin everyone else time.
You are definitely NTJ.” Gladtobealive2020
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I’m actually surprised they were permitted to bring a foster child abroad.
You are absolutely not the jerk in asking them to leave.
It is not your responsibility to put up with destructive behaviors.
However most foster kids deal with huge traumas and, while I certainly wouldn’t put up with that kind of behavior if it were my own child, I can’t fault a child whose background and potential mental illnesses we know nothing about.
Yet it appears to be spoiled and vindictive, but it could also be a reaction from severe attachment and abandonment issues. And depending on what’s going on, it’s possible your step-siblings’ hands are tied pretty tightly in forms of discipline.
Sophie and your step-siblings should have remained home where Sophie could continue consistent therapy to work on these issues. Foster parents have a responsibility to their foster children to do what they can to help.
Not just house them but also work on counseling, boundaries, emotional regulation, etc. It does foster children a huge disservice when people bring them into their home with the mindset that they can be viewed as children who have known loving stable homes all their lives because it ignores so many issues unique to this type of trauma.
You did right by not allowing destruction in your home. Now your siblings need to do right by this child and get her help before this behavior spirals out of control.” cryssylee90
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Linda, for not communicating what she knew of Sophie’s behavioral challenges, and you for expecting a child who is in foster care to act like a well-behaved machine.
Foster kids are screwed up. That’s why they’re foster kids.
I will add, I sympathize heavily with Linda because foster parents aren’t often given much info on the child’s background, unless the child shares.
It sounds like Sophie has a major attachment disorder and a traumatic past associated with male figures, which could stem from maltreatment, abandonment, or inappropriate exposure to intimacy between her maternal figure and men.
Every behavior you describe is pretty standard behavior for a traumatized child.” tessaesque
4. AITJ For Reporting A Fast Food Employee?
“I went to McDonald’s yesterday with my 4-year-old and 1-year-old.
My 4-year-old has autism and after a long day of therapy requested a happy meal so I obliged. I did a curbside pickup order, my food came out, I took the food and said thank you so much!
I put the food down and when I went turned back around to roll my window up their was a hand inside my car almost in my face so I said “what the heck!?” And backed up.
His hand stayed there and he said he would like a tip, I was very confused and simply said what? He stated again he would like a tip. I told him I don’t carry change and I was sorry but I didn’t have a tip for him.
He stared at me and didn’t say anything but still had his hand out. I didn’t know what to do at that point, so I rolled my window up and looked away.
He finally walked away and stormed back off into the store. I’ve had interactions with this employee before, and I could tell that he had a disability, possibly autism, but I wasn’t sure obviously since I didn’t know him.
I called the McDonald’s to speak to a manager about it because he made me uncomfortable with how demanding he was and that he wouldn’t leave after I had told him I didn’t have any change.
The manger states that he has autism and doesn’t know any better, that someone earlier in the day had received a tip, so he probably thought it was okay to ask for one.
I said okay I understand, my son also has autism and I really do get that they can have a hard time reading social cues and be impulsive, etc. but that having autism was not an excuse to make people uncomfortable.
I do not allow my 4-year-old to use his disability as an excuse to be rude or harass people and I don’t think a grown adult should be either.
The manager got really irritated with me and said I was being a Karen.
I was not trying to get the employee in trouble in any way; I wanted it brought to the manager’s attention so that he could be spoken too and told not to harass customers for tips that was all.
I feel it can be dangerous for the employee and customers if this man were to put his hands in the wrong persons face unexpectedly or if he were to become really upset and aggress at someone for not giving him a tip.
I know not everyone with autism has aggressive behaviors when they’re upset but this man was clearly upset I did not give him a tip and I feel would have escalated if I didn’t roll my window up and started to leave.
With manager calling me a Karen, I really don’t know if I was in the wrong here. Should I have just let it go?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m autistic.
The manager needs to tell the worker that tips happen occasionally, but you can’t ask customers for them, and you definitely shouldn’t put your hand into their vehicle for reasons other than delivering their items, as it is invading their personal space and is unsafe for both of you.
If he did tell the guy already and he’s struggling to implement it, that’s a sign that he either needs more supervision/job coaching or that he is not cut out for the job.
Not that he has a free pass to be demanding and pushy with customers.
Also, w*f is up with the manager gossiping to a customer about the worker’s disability?
That’s rude af and possibly illegal. I am very open about being autistic and I would still be very offended if my manager disclosed it to random strangers in a situation like that.” Team_Rckt_Grunt
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I used to work in a library and there was a regular patron who was homeless, so he was in nearly every day. He also had some other issues, possibly Tourette’s, because he would suddenly burst out a loud string of F-bombs and other colorful language.
It wasn’t hostile, it wasn’t directed at anyone. It was just an outburst. But it meant we were going to throw him out. Well, our local SJW champion of the people took offense to our asking him to leave.
She said we should have more compassion for him because he had a mental disability. And we told her he wasn’t thrown out because of his issues. He was welcome back the next day.
But he doesn’t get to yell and swear in the library.
Point is, disability or not, the employee in your story made a customer uncomfortable in addition to demanding a tip that wasn’t required. He was wrong.
The manager was wrong.” mcq316
Another User Comments:
“Mild YTJ. There was nothing wrong with alerting the manager to a legitimate issue. Your problem was not letting it go at that and arguing with him about it.
He told you why the employee might have thought it was ok. I interpret his explanation to mean that it was definitely not acceptable and he will correct the employee’s incorrect belief that the behavior was acceptable.
He doesn’t owe you a plan for exactly how he is going to handle it with the employee. That is and should be internal.
You say you didn’t want to get the employee in trouble in any way, but that is not what I would have thought if I was the boss.
To me, it sounded like you were saying that you want him fired. Because obviously as the employer I am going to handle it with the employee and not let the behavior continue.
It would be a continual problem for me to not do that and would probably lead to a really bad situation when he tries it on the wrong guy. By continuing to argue with me, I would assume that you believe that anything other than firing the employee in front of you wasn’t good enough for you.
What was your end goal of continuing to argue?” Coctyle
3. AITJ For Excluding Someone From Dinner Due To Their Food Allergies?
Sometimes a little accommodation can go a long way.
“I (31F) am part of a friend group that meets up for dinner about twice a month.
There are 6-8 of us that go together, depending on schedules, and we take turns picking restaurants we want to try for the most part, we seem to have similar tastes.
Last year, one of my friends (Jen) asked if we could include a friend of hers (Kate) that just moved to our city. Jen knew Kate from college and since Kate was new in town, Jen thought this would be a nice way for her to develop social connections without too much hassle or pressure.
Turns out, Kate is really nice and funny and is now good friends with all of us.
However, Kate has a pretty serious seafood allergy. Like, not just shellfish or just fish, all seafood.
She’s not deathly allergic, more like break out in hives type allergic. This hasn’t really been an issue since we live in the Midwest and there’s not a lot of seafood specialty restaurants near us.
There are a few that we tried before Kate moved here, but none of them were worth risking Kate’s allergy to go back to.
That was until a new sushi restaurant opened up about 4 months ago.
My husband and I went and it was amazing. We then went on a double-outing with another friend and her husband and they loved it too. So, when it was my turn to pick the next restaurant, I suggested that we go to this sushi place.
A few other women spoke up that they’ve been wanting to try that place too.
But then Jen spoke up and reminded us of Kate’s food allergy and asked if I could pick a different restaurant.
Unfortunately, the sushi place doesn’t really sell much of anything that isn’t seafood. Yes, they have some dumplings and edamame-type stuff for appetizers, but that’s pretty much it. Not exactly a full meal. But, I did the nice friend thing and picked a different restaurant that we could all eat at.
The next week though, I asked the other girls who wanted to try the sushi place if they wanted to go with me and they accepted. It wasn’t part of our normal scheduled dinners, just a few of us.
But, word got around that a smaller group of us had gone to the sushi place and didn’t include everyone. Jen, Kate, and another friend were upset that the rest of us had gone somewhere without them.
They felt that we were purposely excluding people.
But, to me, this isn’t middle school. We are allowed to do things as friends outside of the full group. And since Kate has a food allergy, it makes sense that she doesn’t attend a meal like this.
We still have our normal scheduled dinners, just this time a smaller group went to a restaurant that another friend could not eat at.
Like, if I wanted to exclude Kate I could have just stood firm on eating at the sushi place to begin with.
But I didn’t. But Jen and Kate specifically think I crossed a line by going behind their backs to eat with a just a few of us and that I’m trying to create division in our group.
Now people are taking sides and pointing fingers and it’s a whole mess.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This was a separate event, and you’re entitled to socialize with subgroups of your friends groups on occasions.
Nor are you required to avoid all seafood restaurants any time you want to hang out with any friends, because any hangout you have MUST be inclusive for Kate. You make room for her on regular occasions, that’s good.
She doesn’t have the right to rule ALL your social life.
And this I say as a vegetarian whose meat-eating husband’s friends (some mostly his friends, some mutual friends) sometimes want to go to steakhouses with him, and for obvious reasons do not include me on those trips (though I socialize with them at other restaurants at other times).
I’m not allergic to meat – I just choose not to eat it. But I accept that my exclusion from meat-focused restaurants doesn’t mean my husband has to be excluded, too, let alone my general friends groups.” Katja1236
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
So none of you can ever get together and get seafood, ever, because of Kate? That doesn’t make any sense.
First, friends do all sorts of things with each other and not just one big group.
That can be based on interest (some like hiking, some don’t), or schedules (who is free), or just wanting to connect one on one.
Second, she has a severe allergy which means she shouldn’t be in a sushi restaurant.
Her being part of the group doesn’t mean you all can’t ever get sushi together.
And finally, you made it separate from the regularly scheduled get-togethers so that you ARE accommodating her.
She isn’t left out of the things she is usually invited to.
Honestly, I would hold firm with- Kate is invited to our group dinners and happy to have her, but I do things with smaller groups of people, and of course, would not invite Kate to something she is deathly allergic too.
Having a friend with an allergy means we make sure Kate is included in stuff, but it doesn’t mean we never, ever, do the thing she is allergic to. And then tell anyone pointing fingers to screw all the way off.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, NTJ, NTJ.
Experienced something similar in my friend’s group. I guess you could do the same with Jenn and Kate as I did in that situation, but be prepared they will never invite you to smaller group outings either anymore, lol.
A friend invited a few of the 12 girls high school friends group to celebrate a national holiday in her 30m2 apartment (would’ve never fit in there all of us anyway…).
She specifically only invited the other single girls because she struggles being single and seeing others of us have relationships, get married and have kids, etc while she has been single for her entire life.
So they sometimes do these ‘single girls only, because we like to talk about hot guys’ type of gatherings. They also go on holidays together with some of the single girls, etc. Because most of us married or in a relationship already plan our holidays with our SO’s.
No big deal.
However, another friend of us got maaaaaad that she wasn’t invited because ‘that would harm the group dynamics.’ I also wasn’t invited but this friend has her reasons for specifically inviting certain girls and we all know this and how she is struggling with being single.
I told the other friend in her face she shouldn’t be a whiny witch for dictating what other girls from the group can do in smaller groups or who they can invite to their homes on certain days, and that our friends group doesn’t run around the other friend’s specific presence all of the time.” VictoriousSeahorse
Another User Comments:
“Eh gentle ytj, it would’ve been better to ask if anyone wanted to do the unscheduled visit in the group setting, that way you’re not excluding people other than her as well, and you can’t be seen as going in secret either, which is where the perception of exclusion comes in.
That’s how my dinner club does it and we all understand that not everyone is keen or able (I’m also allergic to shellfish for example) to go everywhere one member will want to go, but the offer is always extended.” jennabenna84
2. AITJ For Wanting My Husband To Start Working From Home To Help Me With The Kids?
Being a stay-at-home parent isn’t easy, but it’s also difficult working in an environment where you can’t focus.
“My husband (38M) and I (35F) have been married for 10 years and have 3 kids (9, 6, & 3). I have been a SAHM ever since our firstborn. It’s easier now that the older 2 are in school, but it’s summer right now so they are home all the time.
The company my husband works for has given employees the option to work from home for a few years now. Of course, people can still choose to go to the office is they want, but it’s not required at all.
It’s been great for us as a family because his office is almost an hour commute away so we are saving a lot on gas and other expenses that go along with a commute of that length.
But over the last month or so, my husband has been going into the office more and more regularly. Some weeks he will only work from home one day. He has his own dedicated office in our house and the kids know not to bother him.
He keeps the door locked while he’s working and the rest of us leave him alone. No one pesters him or asks him for anything while he’s working. Yes, I’m sure he can probably still hear the noise the kids make during the day, but I doubt it’s any more distracting than working in a cubicle farm.
When he works from home, it makes my daily life so much easier. He can help with the kids in the morning before he starts work, he’s right there when his workday ends so he can watch the kids while I start dinner, and in an emergency, he can help if I need it.
Our youngest got a large splinter a couple of months ago that required an ER visit so I asked him to watch the older kids while I took care of the youngest.
I asked him why he is going to the office more often and he told me he feels like he’s more productive at the office and since he got a promotion 3 months ago he feels it sets a good example that he’s dedicated and it gives him the opportunity to have a lot of face-to-face conversations with people, which he feels is important.
I told him how much more helpful it is to me when he’s home and he told me that summer is almost over and the older kids will be in school soon anyway so I should just wait it out for another few weeks.
But with his commute, he’s gone for over 10 hours every day and he’s losing 2 hours of time at home every day. That’s time that could instead be used to help me at home, or spent with our kids.
I told him that I want him to work from home more often and he told me that I don’t get to decide how he works. He said his job allows us the comfortable life we have and he doesn’t want to jeopardize that.
He said he would try to stay home more often, but he refused to promise anything or set a scheduled amount of days that he would stay home.
He told me he doesn’t tell me how to spend my time at home, so I shouldn’t tell him how to do his job, which I felt was uncalled for because my time at home doesn’t affect his job the way him staying home affects me.
I just want a little extra help sometimes.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You yourself say you want him there because it helps you. But it comes at the expense of his work.
It’s his work and his job, and he should have the right to do that however it’s best for him to do it.
It’s not just a matter of having an isolated space at home.
Even with that, some people prefer to separate home and work life. I know people who live alone who prefer going into work if they have option because they prefer to not to work in their home environment.
I think of a self-employed friend I know who lives alone and nonetheless rents one of those communal workspaces that are so popular now, giving him a sort of “office.” Some people feel they’re more productive that way.
As long as he helps out with the running of the household when he is home, he should be able to go into the office when he wants to.
After now reading the other comments, I might go for a NTJ.
You have the right to say you want him to work from home, but he has the right to say he doesn’t want to. And you shouldn’t give him a hard time because of that.” stroppo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your husband is right in that there are many advantages to working in the office and having face-to-face time with colleagues – increase collaboration, better sense of teamwork, etc. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be in the office to do a job that benefits from that type of interaction.
In many jobs, it’s vital for at least some of the time.
You are not a jerk in wanting your husband home to help out and to get some of the other benefits from WFH – savings in gas and wear/tear on the car, no commute time, etc.
So, no one is being a jerk. This is about time management and prioritization of one advantage vs another. Your husband was recently promoted, so clearly he is doing something right and this benefits your family quite a bit.
If he feels he needs to be in the office to work as effectively as he can, then he’s probably right about that. You and him should have a discussion about this and figure this out together, as both of you have appropriate and valid rationale here.” CaptainJeff
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. He’s already told you that he’s more productive in the office, and it’s important that he works in the environment that he feels he performs best in.
He’s just been promoted, which may include more requirements to do things in the office face-to-face than his previous roles have.
His lifestyle and work have enabled you to have a one-income family, and if that’s where he works best, then you need to understand that he isn’t doing it to be unhelpful or disrespectful but he’s doing it to ensure that he can continue to provide the income to support his family.
Can you also please spare a thought for the fact that working from home may leave him feeling like he can’t turn off? He may not be able to stop thinking about work when he lives at home and works at home.
It can be really difficult to separate everything for some people, and that can be really damaging for their state of mind.
He’s explained his reasoning to you, and I think he’s been pretty clear with his thoughts and feelings.” xthrowawayaccxx
Another User Comments:
YTJ. You might not get it (you should, but you might not) but maybe he likes that hour commute as a destresser from the kids/home life and it puts him in a more productive mindset for work.
He might also be a person that works better from work as opposed to home. If he’s not helping out with the kids during work and you’re supposedly not bothering him, then there’s no reason for you to be this against him being at work as opposed to home.
“I just want a little help sometimes.”
He’s helping by working. He has to work to provide for the family and either he feels his productivity is tanking while he’s at home or he just prefers the office atmosphere.
He’s not going back on any arrangement you guys had. He still helps when he comes home. He just doesn’t want to use his commute time to help you more and he wants to be good at his job.
If you don’t want to be stuck at home with the kids by yourself, look at getting a job yourself and get daycare.
It’s two hours, but I expect it’s actually more than that since you’re so salty about him not being there during the day.
Stop trying to sabotage your husband’s work because you’re regretting being a SAHM. He has a job. You have one too. You have options.” DNRmyDNA
1. AITJ For Kicking Out My Roommate Over Stickers?
“To preface, I have a bit of a weird living situation. I rent the bottom floor of a split level with one other girl, Melanie. I’m the primary lease holder while Melanie is an off-the-books sublet.
She pays me her share of rent and utilities, but her name is nowhere on the lease.
Melanie has some anxiety and depression, and one of her coping mechanisms is she likes to collect stickers.
It started just in her room. She put little stickers on her headboard, water bottle, bookshelf, lamp, shoes, light switches, windows, speakers, etc.. It was pretty excessive, but I didn’t mind as long as it stayed in her room.
I did ask her not to put them on the walls at first, as it might damage the paint and I would be liable for repairs, but she didn’t listen and I didn’t make a big fuss about it since it is her space, and she can pay me later if the walls need to be repainted.
Then it grew. I noticed stickers on items in the living room/kitchen. The utensil holder, the fridge, the wall shelf. I told Melanie it was overwhelming and she needed to keep her stickers in her room.
She assured me she would, but every day I would find new ones in the common space.
I confronted her and she tried to tell me they were already there, I was imagining the new ones.
When I told her that was bullcrap she whined about how it was her coping mechanism and stickers helped her depression. I reiterated that I’m fine with her putting stickers on anything she wants as long as it stays in her room, I was tired of my living room looking like a freaking children’s scrapbook.
Three days ago I came home, and lo and behold, there are more stickers. This time, there are 2 on MY TV. I flipped out on Melanie, called her a child, and told her to take the stickers off my tv and everything else in the living room NOW.
There was a heated exchange, but she obliged and removed the 50+ stickers. Most came off clean, but the ones on my tv and one on the fridge tore and left residue.
I told Melanie she would have to go and buy a product to remove the residue but she refused. She told me to use nail polish remover instead or to just get over it because the residue is not a big deal.
I had just about had it with Melanie, her stickers, and her attitude, so I told her that because of this ongoing issue I don’t think we’re compatible as roommates anymore.
Next month she would have to leave. She did not take that well and blew up, screaming, crying, rolling on the ground, calling me every name in the book. I went into my room and closed the door to call my landlord.
He assured me that he had no problem with me kicking her out, as long as I could still pay rent. Today I gave Melanie an official 30-day notice.
I’m wondering now though if I went too far?
I don’t want to live in a sticker-covered apartment, and I was tired of feeling disrespected, but at the same time kicking someone out over stickers seems harsh. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
She was in the wrong as soon as she started putting them on things that don’t belong to her, including the windows, light switches, and walls (light switch covers I’d maybe give her, as those are cheap and easy to replace, but the switches themselves?)
She tried to gaslight you about the multiplying stickers
She put them in places any sane adult knows you shouldn’t stick things, including on expensive electronics
She refuses to repair the damage she caused (buy the product)
She threw a fit that included ROLLING ON THE GROUND and screaming.
Whatever her deal is, it’s not just depression. She seems unstable- watch your back, make sure as many of your important/expensive/precious items as possible are kept locked in your room until she’s gone in case she retaliates for the eviction.
This honestly seems closer to a weird variant of hoarding. You’re kicking her out over significant, repeated, unrepentant, and unrepaired property damage- the stickers are just the vehicle.” inkpaperdream
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m in my 30s and still love stickers. I get them from Hot Topic a lot and have a ton of anime ones. I use this blue tacky stuff, put a little on the back, and stick them on my desk at work to keep me happy on rough days haha.
The tacky stuff makes it so I never have to peel and stick it somewhere forever (I have commitment issues haha). Anyways….what I’m saying is that there’s a way to stick stickers without damaging others’ property.
I’d be HEATED if someone stuck a sticker on my TV. It could be the most awesomely amazing sticker in the world and I’d still be heated.
Not to mention the gaslighting.
You said 50+?! She’s been sticking them and lying about it. That’s not okay. You have every right to not continue this living situation!
P.S. be very careful getting the residue off the TV screen, you don’t want to end up damaging your TV in the process.” HourCockroach1662
Another User Comments:
“Eehhhhh-NTJ but you could have handled the situation better. Look depression isn’t easy to deal with, but neither is stickers being on your property. It was absolutely not fair that she kept putting her stickers in places they shouldn’t have been (As a collector myself, I just keep them in a box).
However you maybe could have tried to help her a bit more with it, there are books she can keep the stickers in that don’t permanently stick, maybe try to get her into pins on a corkboard instead or even stick them to a big poster board she could switch out when she got more stickers.
Now I’m not saying it was your responsibility to help her with her sticker issue, but your attitude toward something she probably couldn’t help is honestly a bit nasty. Calling it childish.
She has a mental illness she can’t help some things and all you can do is try to work with it or get out of the situation.
Obviously, you choose to get out of the situation which, yeah you have every right to, sometimes even if you could help someone it just doesn’t work.
Not everyone can deal with minimal to extreme situations like this. All I’m saying is that you could have tried a bit more to make it work.
But NTJ.” Just-a-lonely-ghost
