People Want The Opportunity To Explain Their Actions In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
18. AITJ For Not Letting My Best Friend Use My Apartment?
“I (22F) am currently staying in my hometown with my parents for the holidays.
I am a college student so I usually live alone in a one-room flat.
My best friend Lily (22F) recently contacted me because she and her partner (27M) wanted to spend a few days in the city I usually live in to celebrate the new year.
She asked me if she could crash at my place — I wasn’t thrilled because I have never met her partner and living an entire week with a man I’ve never met is not my cup of tea (I have social anxiety), and the dates she wanted to come clashed with my back-to-college week, so I was going to be tired and anxious.
However, I live in a very expensive city and I didn’t want to tell her to get a hotel or a BnB, so I agreed. Important detail: my apartment is a studio flat, and even though it’s rather big for what you can get in my city (most of my friends live within 9m2), I only have a double bed and a very small, uncomfortable couch on which you can barely sit two people.
She thanked me, and then said: ‘So what are you going to do?’ I asked her what she meant by that and she said: ‘Well, are you going to sleep on the couch or are you going to your friend’s?’ I was dumbfounded, because I was agreeing to let her crash at my place, and she just assumed I would give them my bed (or even my entire studio for themselves) for an entire week.
As I’ve said, my couch is utterly uncomfortable (and she knows it) and my friends live in very small apartments — I can’t crash at their place for an entire week.
I asked her if she was joking and she said ‘No?
Where do you expect my partner to sleep if you sleep with me in the bed?’ I told her (perhaps bluntly) that this wasn’t really my problem since SHE asked me to crash at my place and she knows how my studio is — I expected her to think this through.
She answered, ‘Ok never mind, we’re just going to cancel our trip’. I didn’t respond right away because I was still a bit taken aback, and I thought this was the end of it.
However, she sent me another text a bit later saying I made her cry because she felt my message was full of malice and spitefulness, that she just took on offers that I made (where I indeed said SHE was welcome to crash at my place, but obviously bringing more people with her would cause logistical issues + I never offered to just leave my apartment whenever she needed a room for her and her partner), and that it was mean of me to make her seem like she was ill-mannered for asking when it was my offer, to begin with.
I simply answered that I never made such an offer, that it was probably a misunderstanding but that I felt that simply assuming that I was going to sleep on the couch/leave my studio during my back-to-college week, and just letting me choose between these two options was a bit rude nonetheless.
However, I feel bad since she’s my best friend and I like her, and perhaps I overreacted.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Having a friend who gave you an open invitation to crash at their place doesn’t mean you can automatically bring an extra person regardless of whether it’s a friend or relative or partner, much less that said invitation implies your host has to leave their own place to let you have it to yourself for however long you’re visiting.
If that place is a small studio flat and you know it for a fact, it’s downright ridiculous.
Years ago one of my lifelong best friends moved really far away to a different country and I’ve always had an open invitation to crash at his place whenever, and I’ve taken him up on his offer many times.
Every single time I’ve visited I slept on an air mattress, the couch, or his guest bedroom depending on what is actually available in his current place. Not once did I expect him to go stay elsewhere while I had his place to myself, much less because I brought my partner along or something like that.” Tough_Stretch
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If she and/or her partner thinks they’re too good for the uncomfortable couch, what makes them think it would be good enough for you (the owner)? Also, if they can’t pay for a room for themselves, they can hardly expect you to give up your place and pay for a room for yourself so they can crash in yours for free.
This is a ridiculous imposition, OP.” fancythat012
17. AITJ For Asking My Partner If He Wanted To Buy A Movie?
“So my partner recently got laid off from work and is struggling financially at the moment.
My partner recommended watching The Labyrinth just now but we could only find it on Amazon Prime and it cost $5.
I say to him ‘do you wanna buy this?’ He said no to buying it, so I asked him if he wanted to find something else to watch, he said no and that he was going to play video games instead.
He’s upset with me because I said do you want to buy it, making him feel like he should pay for it, but I meant it as in ‘is this film worth paying $5 to watch once?’ And I thought we were signed into his Amazon account so thought the funds would be going out of his account.
I was expecting to buy it myself and was perfectly happy to do that, I realize I should have expressed myself better but when I clarified/told him what I meant he just said ‘no’ (as in disagreeing that’s what I meant) and has been off with me/not talked to me since.
(Also just to explain, I asked him in the first place because I know he gets uncomfy with me paying for stuff so if he had a problem with it I’d rather have just found something else to watch for free.)
I think he’s upset because he feels like I expect him to pay for stuff and he feels bad that he can’t do this at the moment.
I think it’s worth noting that while he’s been out of work I haven’t expected him to pay for anything.
I’ve covered his share of rent for this month until his benefit allowance comes in, and for New Year’s I wanted to go out and said I’d pay for everything and would even give him the funds for New Year’s so he didn’t have to feel ’embarrassed’ not paying for stuff (he said no to this and we ended up staying in for New Year’s).
So AITJ here? I know I made it sound like I was expecting him to pay at first but that’s not how I felt, and I tried to explain what I meant but he wouldn’t listen.
I get why money is a sore spot for him but it’s not as if I’m constantly expecting him to buy stuff or anything, and I just feel like this has been made a big thing when it’s a simple miscommunication.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
He is projecting how he is feeling about himself right now onto you. He is likely feeling a lot of shame at not being able to pay for things and is assuming you feel the way about him that he feels about himself so he took your comment in a passive-aggressive way.
It wasn’t cool of him, but it also sounds like he is having a rough time right now. Tell him that wasn’t what you meant and he is being harder on himself than you would ever be… It is up to him and how he handles his feelings and how he reacts, but either way this isn’t your fault.” i-Ake
Another User Comments:
“First of all, it doesn’t seem like he really wants to spend time with you if y’all had plans to watch a movie and he all of a sudden decided to play video games instead just because you couldn’t find the movie you had wanted to watch (I would’ve been mad about this, personally), and then he was all mad about something that he obviously just misunderstood.
It’s not up to you to watch your words to make him feel better about his fragile masculinity, what you said was a very common way of expressing what you meant, and even if he misunderstood you he should’ve talked to you instead of getting mad.
NTJ.” wellthatspeculiar
Show you SO.
16. AITJ For Making My Partner Ride The Bus?
“My son and his partner are visiting from across the country. I haven’t seen my son in 2 years due to recent events. My son’s partner desperately wanted to visit Niagara Falls.
She has said so since before the visit.
I have a partner who doesn’t drive. He has always had horrible motion sickness in cars. It’s a little better now. He can ride for short periods.
But he never learned to drive b/c of his dread of cars. I pick him up from work when he works on Saturdays.
My son and partner have a chance to go to the Falls on Saturday.
They are leaving on Sunday. They’re early 20s and have been basically housebound the entire visit. Not a lot is open locally now. I told my partner on Friday I will let them use the car on Saturday.
He was furious. He said I usually pick him up and I’m treating him like he is irrelevant and insignificant. He said that I’m ‘stranding’ him in favor of a silly trip to the Falls.
He works directly on a bus line. He’s home in 45 minutes when he takes public transport during the week. He has no problem doing it M-F. I feel kinda bad. He’s been so nice to them during their visit.
AITJ here for giving up the car, & not picking him up as I usually would?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
As someone who regularly travels for 6 hours in one weekend with public transport, it is annoying when someone doesn’t come to pick you up yes… However, this is one grown man who doesn’t want to learn to drive for whatever reason.
With not wanting to learn to drive (motion sickness or not, there are pills for it) there are consequences that come along with it. You’re not his taxi, does he pay for the gas money when you do come to pick him up?
Or is he just entitled to have you drive and come pick him up… Good lord.” zZombi__
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s being incredibly selfish and should learn to drive. His lack of learning is selfish since he feels entitled to your time and money since it’s you who I’m sure takes on the expenses of owning a car.
He should be encouraging you to see your son. And offering to take the bus. That’s what a true partner who loves YOU more than themselves would do. What I mean by that is taking the bus for one day is nothing.” brazentory
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s honestly acting like a child. If he’s ok taking the bus Monday-Friday, it’s not unreasonable to ask if he could do it for one Saturday so you can spend time with your son and his partner whom you haven’t seen in 2 years.
Motion sickness sucks. But he needs to be able to take care of himself and be able to get around on weekends on his own.” Angieks21
15. AITJ For Telling My Cousin That I'm Glad She Can't Have Kids?
“So I (21M) have received news that my sister (26F) is 6 months pregnant through IVF with triplets!! She felt it was safe to announce it at the time, I am so happy and excited to be an uncle and I know that my sister and SIL will be great parents.
Right after that, my mom asked sis and SIL if she could post it on my mom’s family group chat which is with my mom’s side. They agreed. Mom posts it and everyone is happy to find out about the pregnancy until my cousin texts the cousins’ group chat.
Well, my cousin’s text comes into the cousins’ group chat and she is calling sis and SIL every name in the book for having a baby before her. She also insults me and every other cousin for being happy about sis’ pregnancy (the only other cousins here are 15F and 14f) ‘insensitive little craps that favor sis over her happiness’.
I asked why she called us cousins ‘insensitive little craps.’ Honestly, I don’t care if she called me that, but our younger cousins are literal teens, they don’t deserve that, and my sister is super emotional and sick because being preggo w triplets is a lot.
She said my sis always got firsts and she wanted to be first for once.
I asked why was there a need for competition, and she redirects to saying it’s almost been a year since she last miscarried and to see sis pregnant was depressing (my cousin E (F26) has been trying to have a baby for 3 years with her fiance F (M30) so far, she has had 2 early miscarriages and 1 mid-term miscarriage).
I only found out about the miscarriages after I asked my mom why E was so mad. None of the cousins knew about the miscarriages, we only knew they were trying since they got engaged. She proceeds to say that my sis and SIL would be horrible mothers since the poor kids wouldn’t have a father figure in their life.
I went full-on rage and said that I was happy she was infertile so that people like her wouldn’t increase and infest the world we live in. She blocks me and kicks me out of the group chat.
I get a phone call from my aunt screaming at me for being a terrible cousin and calling me the jerk for what I said to E.
Thinking about it my sister said she was happy I defended her, my cousins and their parents (my mom’s other sister and her husband), and my parents are on my side and say that what she did was mean but my aunt and uncle, as well as cousin, are blowing up my phone and demanding for me to apologize.
I need unbiased insight so I know if I need to apologize or not. Many thanks in advance.”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your cousin is HORRIBLE for making this into a competition, insulting your sister, and gay-bashing.
As such, she NEEDS to apologize for all she said.
OP is a jerk because what he said was just CRUEL.
OP: As your cousin stroke the first blows, I’d tell your aunt/uncle that you WILL apologize AFTER your cousin apologizes to your sister AND in the group chat.” TwoCentsPsychologist
Another User Comments:
“NTJ your cousin sounds very very immature and needed a reality check, although a part of me says that you could’ve insulted her with a different thing but she deserved that.
The fact that she said that your sister always had firsts means she doesn’t view you guys as cousins but rather as competitions.” GodJisung
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your cousin said some insanely vile, disgusting, hurtful things.
There’s no justifying what she did and you absolutely shouldn’t apologize til she does.
However, infertility is very draining and saddening. It’s very insensitive and I don’t believe you should bring someone’s fertility into a conversation ever.” LuluLucy-
14. AITJ For Not Telling My Parents That I'm Planning To Move Out When I'm 18?
“I (17F) have been with my partner (18M) for a year and we’ve known each other since our freshman year.
I am on birth control and I have other contraceptives. My dad found my contraceptives. He was really angry and grounded me. I’m disallowed from using my car – the car that I saved up for – so now I have to catch the bus to go to work.
I’m also not allowed to see my partner ever. He also put a parent app on my phone that I also pay for so he can see my texts.
My dad told me two weeks ago if I don’t like his rules then leave.
So that’s what I plan on doing. My partner has his own apartment. He moved out with his sister (20F.) I spoke with them and I’m moving in with them when I turn 18 in a couple of months.
I picked up more hours at my job on the weekends so I could have more money. I bought a cheap phone so I could be able to communicate with my partner and discuss plans and what I’ll be paying, etc.
My dad barged into my room to complain about my dog for the millionth time and saw my new phone. He got really angry, yelled at me, went through my messages, and read about me planning to leave.
He was livid and told me I can’t move out at 18 because it was too young. He told me I won’t make it on my own and I still need them. I kept silent because I didn’t have the energy to defend myself.
He tossed my phone back at me and went to rant to my mom about what he saw. Then she came to interrogate me as well and told me I should have told them I plan on leaving because they need to know.
She told me I hurt my dad’s feelings and for the past couple of hours, he has been giving me the silent treatment. Was I wrong to keep something like this hidden?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – They do not need to know. They can find out when you leave the keys on the dining room table along with their stalker phone.
As other people have said: get your birth certificate, social security card, etc out of the building.
If your partner can store things for you at the new place: bring something to work every day and have your partner pick it up and take it to the new place. Start with out-of-sight items that you want to keep.
Also, bring one thing to work from your room and throw it out.
The intent is to get the important things out before moving day.
Go down to the post office and open a PO box.
Then file for a change of address for yourself, but not your parents, and have your mail redirected to the PO box.
The day you turn 18, open a new bank account that is only in your name (no parents’ names, no guardian accounts, etc), clean out the old account except for $20, and have your name taken off the old account.
Notes for moving day:
Pick a day when they are both out – work, shopping, whatever. But they are out for several hours. Then bring in some friends with boxes and clear out everything else that is yours while they are gone.
Pack up into cars and leave. Leave your keys on the dining room table.
If you own the car, take it. If you do not own the car, you leave it behind.
Then depending upon how harsh you want to be: you swap out all of your email accounts, social media, etc.” Elfich47
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – He gave you the instruction to move out and you are complying. You called his bluff. That’s all there is to it. His feelings may be hurt, but you are not the cause of that.
He is.
I get it that no parent is completely overjoyed to find out their teenager is sleeping with their partner and whatnot. But that is an idealistic fantasy. The reality is you are doing it and you are taking precautions.
A supportive parent would have sat you down and talked to you about their concerns, praised you for being prepared with the contraceptives, etc. They did not. Instead, your father punished and attempted to shame you.
He failed at the latter obviously.
The main thing is now your parents are projecting their issues with ‘losing’ their daughter because their words/actions caused this situation.
You could, if you want to, extend an olive branch to them and tell them you are willing to sit down and discuss their concerns in a constructive, civilized manner.
But if it degenerates into yelling, insults, and more attempts at shaming, then you will leave. Period.
The ball is in their court. The future of your relationship with your parents is in their hands.
Your hands are 100% clean. As the song by The Chicks goes, you need ‘wide open spaces’ and ‘room to make the big ‘mistakes.'” Zakkana
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
He shouldn’t have given you an ultimatum without thinking there was any chance of you taking it.
Especially since you will be legally free. You’re not a baby anymore. He has to start respecting that you’re old enough to set boundaries and make important decisions. Or else he will end up losing a relationship with you entirely in as little as a couple of months.
You can get a new social security card online from the Social Security Administration and have it mailed to you. Same for a birth certificate, oftentimes the county you are born in will have an official website you can order a copy from.
Might be best to wait until you have settled into your new place though. Or to get a PO box if you think dad might intercept the mail at your current home and hold it hostage.
I would also consider looking for a backup option with friends or other family members in case the housing situation falls through with the guy and his family in the months until your birthday.” TheReal_Kayla
He should have been absolutely delighted that you are being responsible enough to be using contraceptives.
If it is your car, in your name, he has no right to be stopping you using it.
13. AITJ For Not Finding It Fair That My Partner Used Credit Card Points For A Purchase?
“My partner (28M) and I (25F) split household items 50/50 and were making 2 expensive purchases for our home. I bought the first one (‘P1’) with my credit card, whereas he used his credit card points for the other one (‘P2’).
The purchases were a 100% mutual decision.
I figured that credit card points are not exactly funds and, prior to purchasing the items, asked if he’d be willing to split the P1 I was buying with my credit card evenly.
He did not dismiss but didn’t give a clear response.
After the purchase, I asked again. He refused because ‘his hard-earned points count as funds, he had to spend a lot with this bank to get them, and he could have spent them on something else, but he spent them on P2.’ (I emphasize that it was an essential purchase, so I never pressured him into it whatsoever to get such a reaction.)
I got really upset and he got furious. We never split it because he refused to do so, though he also earns more than I do. It’s been some time, but pretty sure he even mentioned that he spent about $100 (worth of points) more than me so I don’t have the right to be upset.
I have a very bitter aftertaste about it because I feel like I suffered financially more over it while in my eyes he didn’t spend anything for it.
Do you think of points as money?
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Credit card points are funds. They are collected by spending money, so, yeah, he has spent more than his fair share for the second item. You can’t expect him to pay for two items just because he received a good deal thanks to past purchases.” Quicksilver1964
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It doesn’t matter how he paid for it, he paid for it and so you have to split the purchases. It doesn’t matter if he paid cash, used points, bartered for it, or worked at the store to earn the item, buying is buying.” TheABCD98
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, it doesn’t matter how he paid for the purchase. Are you going to give him half the cost of purchase 2? He did spend money on it especially if he has one of those cards where he can receive cash instead.
He earned that money, you just don’t like the way he earned it.” keesouth
12. WIBTJ If I Don't Agree With My Cousin Staying With Me?
“Six years ago I (27M) moved to a city in the south of England from my hometown in the North West. For context, the cost of living here is increasing and getting close to that of London but without the London wages.
The cost of living in the North West is a lot cheaper. I got lucky with an apprenticeship and landed on my feet here after a huge gamble moving down. I recently bought part-ownership of a two-bedroom open kitchen/lounge flat, where the second bedroom is essentially a glorified cupboard that I use for storage.
My cousin (20M) wants to move to this city from our hometown as it’s getting quite popular with young people and has more opportunities. He works for a pub chain that will transfer him to a store here for work, but their offer is for a limited time so he’s asked if he can have my spare room while he looks for a rental.
The issue is that rentals are impossible to find here at the minute due to the global situation and just rising demand for the area. Flats are being advertised, viewed, and let out within one morning, and people are offering a full year of rent + extra upfront to secure listings.
And that’s if his wages cover his own flat, the cost of rent here is nearly double back home and the wages are the same. The houseshare situation is equally high demand too, but my cousin has always made clear he wouldn’t share in the past when I started doing it here anyway.
If I let him move in I am sure he’s gonna be here long-term while he finds a place and space-wise it will get pretty snug in my flat. On top of that, I work from home and the office, and due to the nature of my work can’t be overheard on calls when I’m working from home, having him there during the day will mean I have to head into the office more.
On the other hand, things were tough for me when I first got here and it took a few years for the gamble of moving here to pay off and become financially in the green.
To be able to help him out like this would be a great way to break the cycle and give him a leg up in life & my reasonings for saying no is purely for my own comfort.
WIBTJ if I told him he can’t live with me while he looks for a place? That I’m cool for him to do short stays if he wants to do viewings here etc (it’s a five-hour drive from our hometown), but it can’t be a full-time arrangement until he finds a place?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your place & you can let people stay with you or not.
You could become a landlord & offer him a term lease stating it is not renewable & under no circumstances is he allowed to stay past the specified terms. You can also state he is to maintain quiet behavior or refrain from being on the premises during your working hours.
You can offer him the 2nd bedroom/storage.
I know this sounds inhospitable, but that’s the point. You want to make him choose not to stay, or choose to move with little to no real effort on your part.
He (& your family) may balk at remaining quiet or not being on the premises during your work hours, but remind anyone & everyone who complains that if you lose your job, you both will have to find a new home.
AND if the term is unacceptable, then your cousin shouldn’t accept it.
It’s nice when you can help the family out. But it does pose risk. But you never know, you may live well together.” rtgd_mmm
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You won’t be able to work from home if he’s there. And him living with you also gives you a higher exposure rate to getting sick from all the people he comes into contact with at his job and all the fun new people he’s going to be hanging out with.
And driving to and from work is another added expense you don’t have right now. And you know he is NOT going to find another place to live and then you will be stuck with him there.
If it were me, I would tell him, NO, but I will keep an eye out for any flats in your price range.
Also, years ago when I was looking and couldn’t find any decent apartments/flats, I finally went to a Realtor and asked if she had any listings.
It turns out there are A LOT of Landlords who DON’T advertise because of issues they’ve had in the past with tenants. The only way to see these ‘secret’ listings is through a Realtor.
So maybe suggest he contact a Realtor that’s located where he wants to move to.” Southern_Hamster_338
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I think it could work if you set firm parameters going in.
As you said, places go quickly and it will be much easier for him to find a place or a share when he’s on-site and can attend urgent viewings. His new network at work may also be helpful—a lot of the best situations are not advertised and just go by word of mouth.
If you know this cousin and he’s the kind to feel entitled and settle in without making any efforts, it’s okay to say no, but if he’s the kind who will respect boundaries and work to find a place to live, I think it’s worth a shot.” terracottatilefish
11. AITJ For Turning Down A Job?
“So I’m 19 and I just finished high school. I get good grades and I’ve never been in trouble at school which makes me a pretty model student. My parents and I are confident I can get into a good university but our issue is finances.
My parents are divorced and their divorce contract states that my dad HAS to pay for my studies. I’m kinda confused about whether I should be worried or not about paying for uni in the future but I still want to get a job and save up just in case.
My plan was to get a job in 2022 and then save. My friend knows this and she has the same plan. However, she’s studying this year which means she will mostly be taking on part-time jobs.
Recently she’s been helping this guy get his restaurant onto a food delivery app and he was paying her. He offered her a job to work at the restaurant as a manager while he was away or whatever on business and she got me a job there.
She told me I’d be working as a waitress and gave me no other information. We meet with the guy and he tells me the job is something else completely. She and I would be running the restaurant alone.
We’d cook, clean, and handle finances such as doing orders for stock and taking stock intake and such. I was shocked when I heard that because I didn’t agree to it because I thought I’d just be a waitress since I have NO work experience and I mentioned this to her but she said she’d never forgive me if I turn down the job.
The restaurant is also in a dodgy area far from where I live, I have no consistent form of transportation and the hours are 14h per day for 5 days (6 am to 7 pm) and 7h on Saturday (8 am to 3 pm) for the basic legal salary offered in my country which is very little.
I don’t feel comfortable taking this job at all. I feel like the boss is a poor planner and organizer and I knew nothing about the job until I met him like a few days before I was supposed to start.
I’ve asked many people their opinions and many agree that it’s just weird and I should turn it down or that I should stick it through since that’s what adult life is or whatever.
I’m mostly scared of hurting my friend’s feelings and losing our friendship. If someone could give advice that would be great.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If your friend is going to be upset with you for turning down a job that isn’t what it was advertised as and is going to cut into your study time beyond what you think you can reasonably handle (especially when she knew that was a concern for you), that’s her issue.
Even if she’s upset because she’s now going to have to do all that work herself until they find someone else, she needs to be mad with the owner, not you. Stop putting her feelings ahead of your needs and just say ‘thanks but no thanks’ already.” mm172
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You just do what makes you feel comfortable, if I was in that situation I would turn it down too, there are so many other jobs that are much less work with the same or more pay, and with your friend – I think it’s quite rude of her to assume that you would work there you could have something on atm or just not want to work there.
She should have checked w you first.” Complex_Ad3657
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. With little to no experience, he is really throwing you in the deep end and setting you both up for failure as you’ll have to deal with time management, difficult customers, etc. If you don’t feel comfortable with the job, then it would be better for you to turn it down.
It may put the owner in a tight spot, but that’s on him for hiring someone with no experience.” Cry_Original
10. AITJ For Being Loud On The Phone?
“I (32F) work from home. My partner (M35) quit his job in October and decided he doesn’t want to work for someone else anymore. He wants to start his own business but he has no idea what or even how to start a business.
He cooks, cleans, and walks our dog.
I work full-time in a high-responsibility and high-stress job from home. I am often in meetings and my work-supplied headset covers both of my ears and as such I talk loudly since I can’t hear how loud I’m talking.
I make decent money and pay all the bills. I’ve paid all the bills for the past 5 or 6 years so his quitting doesn’t impact our finances except we don’t have ‘play money’ like we used to.
We rent a ~750 sq foot, 2 bedroom duplex. I work in our extra bedroom, which is right next to the main bedroom. He is often woken up by me being on the phone between 8 am to 10 am.
At most I have 2 or 3 8 am meetings in a month. Most of the time my first meeting of the day is at 9 or 10 am.
My partner told me I’m rude for talking loudly on the phone for work and that I need to work on being quieter.
Note my work is professional, so I’m not yelling or anything. I just talk a little louder than normal because my ears are covered.
AITJ for being loud on the phone for work meetings which wakes up my unemployed partner?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re not going out of the way to disturb him.
There are things you could do to address the noise bothering him – but – even without my ears covered – I get loud on the phone.
My moving to WFH actually solved the fact my side of phone calls could be heard on our entire floor at work.
While you’re not the jerk – it doesn’t sound like you’re planning to divorce him and the fact he’s still finding his direction isn’t a ‘deal breaker’ (and even when he does find a direction, it might not impact this solution since he might have late nights)… So – some possible solutions:
- An open-eared headset (don’t help me – but if the fact that you don’t hear is the problem – that could solve YOUR problem)
- White Noise Machines! They’re a godsend for me in my bedroom – since sudden noises disturb me.
I started by just having a fan in my room – but – when I reorganized where my bedroom is – a white noise machine uses less electricity than the fan I was using to generate white noise.
- Changing the position of your desk. You might think it doesn’t make a big difference – but – the direction in which you are speaking, and the direction of your speakers can actually have a huge impact on whether he hears you.
If you can turn your desk towards a window – it can improve your view AND reduce how much of your voice is blasted toward him.
- Changing the location of the bed. If his bed is against the wall you’re talking towards – moving it to the other side of the room can make a difference.
- Soundproofing panels – in your room &/or the bedroom. Other things such as bookshelves with books, or tapestries on the walls, can absorb the sound, look pretty, and help you out.
None of these possible remedies make you the jerk – but – perhaps trying some of them out can lead to a happier life for both of you at home.” Kitchen-Arm-3288
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He shouldn’t be sleeping in late every day. If he wants to start a business he needs to be up and at it. They don’t magically start themselves.
Or maybe he should get a job? I don’t understand why you would support a grown able-bodied person who is just unwilling to work, but whatever. I don’t need to. It’s your life.
But if he is choosing a life of leisure whilst you support him, the least he can do is shut up about you having the occasional early meeting. Too bad so sad. I think he knows he’s a bum and feels guilty, and is just taking it out on you.
Perhaps suggest he wear earplugs to bed the night before or stop whining. Good luck, you’re gonna need it if you stay with him.” KaoJin-Wo
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ
Sure, maybe you could try talking a little quieter since you are aware that you may be talking a little too loud, but there are also a few solutions that could be done on your partner’s end since you kind of have to talk a little louder than what may be normal for your job.
Things he could do:
- Get a job, or at the very least start researching how he could start his own business. It doesn’t even necessarily have to be a full-time job, but if he is quite literally doing nothing, I don’t believe he has the right to complain.
- Get a white noise machine if it won’t disrupt you doing work; as long as you’re only talking a little too loud, it should block out your talking.
- Get earplugs. If you know beforehand what mornings you’ll have 8 am meetings, then he would only really need to wear them during those times, which seems pretty reasonable if it’s only 2-3 times a month and 9 am is an acceptable time to be up for him
- Instead of complaining about it, he could find something to do early in the mornings: going for a walk, doing some cleaning, reading a book, doing yoga, even.
- Help find a way to either muffle your voice for him or to help you know when you’re being too loud (I believe there’s something that tells you a noise’s decibel, for example.
If you found something like that, you could then figure out what a good decibel for talking is and try to make sure you stay at that decibel during the meetings, there may even be an app or website for this kind of thing.)
- Not staying up late for no real reason other than wanting to. Sure, being suddenly woken up sucks no matter how much sleep you get, but he’d have less reason to complain if he actually was getting enough sleep
Things you could do:
- Maybe see if there’s a way to cheaply soundproof the room, though I don’t know if that even exists.
- If it’s possible, you could try working in another room that’s farther from the bedroom; the kitchen, for example, or even the living room (assuming you have one)
- Something like the decibel machine I mentioned, something that can tell you if you’re genuinely talking too loud.
Overall, there’s really more your partner can do to fix this problem instead of just complaining about it.” CreativityNulled
9. AITJ For Immediately Quitting My Father's Business?
“My father has run this business for ages and the plan was always for me to get some experience and then work under him until he retires. I have spent 5 years working in a Fortune 500 company in corporate finance.
He let me look through the records after I joined the company. The accounts were a cluster. The company has not spent anything on capital expenditures (CAPEX) for years while using its valuable assets as collateral to fund horrible real estate deals.
It probably takes actual skill to lose funds in this real estate market and they were ripped off by the general contractors to an obscene degree.
The management team is great at running the core business but they are all old and will probably retire in a few years but almost everyone working under them is not given anything meaningful to do.
We will have to replace half the core management team in 5 years but won’t have internal talent to promote.
The real estate assets can be valuable but they are not complete and are already massively over the budget.
The company has to borrow against them to complete the projects and those loans are going to be expensive. It makes sense to sell them as is and eat the loss but my dad wants to complete them but completing them will mean less investment in CAPEX and more debt.
I realized that I didn’t enjoy working with my dad and his management who were never willing to share even the tiniest bit of control and wanted to do everything themselves. I was not learning anything and I became increasingly frustrated as I realized that when it came time to take over the business I will have an uphill task for me.
The business will need massive CAPEX to grow but will have no funds to do and I will have to hire good managers to run the company while the company looked like a dumpster.
I felt like I was being set up to fail. I tried talking to my dad to just give more responsibility to people working under the management team and start training replacements and thinking about implementing new systems. He totally ignored me and said the company was doing well and things will be fine.
I told my dad that I was quitting, He was very angry with me and he told me I was entitled to think I would understand the business in just 6 months. I told him that I didn’t understand the business and no one was willing to teach it to me.
He said he wanted nothing to do with me if I quit and I was betraying him and that really hurt me and I ended up quitting and going back to work for my old boss.
I feel like I should have tried more with the team. It was my dad’s dream for me to take over the company. I know it hurt him a lot when I quit after just 6 months but I knew that I was not prepared to take over a company that is in a horrible situation and I felt like I didn’t belong and I would be left trying to fix a broken business.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – the skills it takes to create a business are not the same as the ones needed to transition a business to the next generation. Most businesses fail to go to the second generation because the parents don’t want to give up control or the children weren’t groomed to take over the business or both.
Your Dad will be in charge until he loses the business or dies. He doesn’t sound like he would ever retire. The company is losing employees because they are not valued by management just as you weren’t valued, your dad and his team are getting more controlling rather than less controlling as employees leave instead of asking why are they all leaving.
It is also difficult because your Dad sees you as his child and he is the parent, that’s really hard in business to treat the son as a respectful employee with different potentially really good ideas.
You did the right thing for yourself. This is a lesson learned for you. Your Dad is being a jerk. The next time the topic is raised, reply, it’s not personal, it’s just business.
I wasn’t a fit for your style of running the business. That’s ok, sometimes this happens in business.” Buttercup303
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it’s your decision if you want to work for your father’s business or find your own employment.
It’s not your obligation to work for your father’s company doing very little and waiting for your father to retire. When your father does retire, it’s likely the current management team will be extremely difficult to deal with as they sound averse to any change.
I don’t understand the piece about real estate being ‘complete’ but it doesn’t matter if the business is severely broken or not. Your father should have started meaningfully transferring responsibility to you and be willing to at least discuss changing aspects of how the company is run.
Just because your father wants you to take over the business doesn’t create an obligation for you to do so.” svmonkey
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He wouldn’t listen to anything you had to say, none of the management was willing to bend on anything and there were blatant issues needing to be addressed that no one cared to address.
If it wasn’t your dad but rather a total stranger’s company, would you still have quit? I think so. Just because it’s family doesn’t mean you have to inherit a giant mess to mop up or be blamed for.
If he’s upset then he should have listened to his staff when they brought up concerns; that’s kind of a big part of management.” mandirahman
8. AITJ For Getting Mad At How Often My Partner Stays Over And Drives My Car?
“My partner’s work is close to my place and not his. My place is closer to downtown by about 40 min and he could only afford a place near city bounds. So he’s started inviting himself to stay every day without asking.
We’ve only been together for 8 months and he’s practically moved in without asking. He also uses my car because his car breaks down regularly and honestly isn’t fit to drive but he refuses to get a new one saying he doesn’t want to pay the high price but has no problems using mine.
He pays for gas but puts more mileage on my car without paying for that. I told him he either splits the rent with me and moves in formally or he has to go back to his original place.
He denies staying over every night even though he definitely does. Then I mention the car and he gets mad saying he only borrowed it 1 time. I go through every instance he’s borrowing my car this month and he shoots back at every time he’s brought me out to dinner which still doesn’t cover the mileage he’s put on the car.
He walked out and I feel kind of guilty keeping track but I feel like he’s taking advantage of me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – This is being taken advantage of. Either he’s doing it without realizing, or with realizing.
Either way, a relationship runs off of respecting boundaries. He needs to learn you need space, and he needs to learn to value your things. You’re early into the relationship. If he wants to use the car regularly like that as opposed to ducking out to the shops etc, he needs to pay for depreciation, insurance, and repair built into the cost. In Australia (me), the Tax office releases a recommended cents per kilometer to cover this.
I would recommend finding this.
All in all though, what a red flag. Time to sit down and get to the bottom of this, because if you don’t now it’ll be too late next time.” TechnicalBlip234
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
He’s using you. Tell him if he continues to use your car he will need to pay you for the gas and extra mileage he’s putting on the car. You also need to set boundaries.
He has his own place so he needs to live there since you haven’t invited him to live with you. If he starts bringing in his clothing or other items make it clear those cannot stay in your place and he needs to take them back to his home.” shlbycindy1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I was your partner, minus the car. I practically moved in with my previous partner because it was in the city where I went to uni which is not the city I lived in myself.
I’d been looking for my own room in his city but the market was so difficult it just didn’t happen for ages. My commute would’ve been 1.5-2h each way door to door using bus + train + tram/metro for long days at uni, whereas if I stayed at his I could cycle + metro taking 40 min.
I realize now that I was wrong. He didn’t want to live with me as we were only recently going out. But not staying with him would cost me so much extra time every day.
I’m not sure what would’ve helped. He broke up with me once I actually found my own place. I think you are being fair in making him choose to either move in and pay or not overstay his welcome as a guest.” Wonderful_Ad968
7. AITJ For Refusing To Let The Plumber Complete His Job?
“My uncle (an electrician) and his plumber friend did a refit of our bathroom. The plumber’s friend made lots of mistakes with the bathroom fitting side of things, but all the actual plumbing and pipework were fine.
Likewise, my uncle’s electrical work was fine.
Some examples of the plumber friend’s mistakes:
Plastering – accidentally mixed polystyrene and spaghetti into the plaster mix so these were embedded in the wall. (He used spaghetti as spacers for the tiling).
He knew the polystyrene and spaghetti were in the plaster but used it anyway rather than getting a fresh bag of plaster. After finishing he thought he did a great job with the plastering even though it was like a cheese grater, and later we found the plaster had blown.
Tiling – in the corners he said he would split tiles in two and put one piece on one wall and the other on the other wall. He didn’t do this so now we have one tiny piece of tile on one wall and a full-size tile on the other wall.
Also, the tiling is wonky, looks like it’s wavy even though he put new plasterboard behind it to make the wall flat, and there are bits of spaghetti and tile adhesive in the grout.
Toilet – cistern came away from the wall the same day it was installed, and it looks like he only attached it with small blobs of silicone and 2 screws in the wall with wall plugs that are too small.
Bath panel – the bath was installed wonky with waterproof cement so now the bath panel doesn’t fit properly and scratches the floor when you try and fix the panel.
Water leaks – he put glue and silicone all along the bath when installing it but water is leaking down the side of the bath.
Sink – used black pipe for the waste pipe under the sink, didn’t put the pipework in the pedestal so it’s sticking out the back and looks ugly, and didn’t use the right connectors/size pipe so bent the pipe to fit.
Didn’t install the flooring in the way we asked and cut it wrong so there is a gap between the wall and the flooring that is bigger than the depth of the skirting tiles.
Everything I’ve mentioned he doesn’t see as a problem and thinks he did a good job. They asked for £3000 out of the total £4200 the job was quoted for, leaving £1200 to be paid to them after they came back to finish.
We paid the £3000 immediately. But we didn’t want them to come back as we didn’t trust that plumber friend would do a good job fixing and finishing considering what I’ve said above.
We got quotes to fix things and finish (£860), so we sent them £340 out of the £1200 outstanding, bringing the total paid to £3340 out of £4200.
My uncle says we’ve treated them unfairly, we’re completely unreasonable, and we’re just trying to scam them out of the rest of the pay.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. In that industry, if the job isn’t done to proper standards it isn’t complete.
I would have paid for the electrical if it was done, but the plumber lost his chance to charge you anything when he didn’t complete the job properly. The fact they got anything is a shock, also, they seem to have ripped you off.
Hear me out… you were quoted £4200, then they asked you for £3000, assuming they left £1200 of work left. You got quoted from someone else for that same work £860. Chances are the £3000 you paid is already too much.” FreshBueller416ix
Another User Comments:
“I mean, NTJ, but why in the world would you think a plumber should do tiling? They are plumbers, not general contractors. An electrician does the electrical, a plumber does the plumbing, and a general contractor would do the tiling.
The plumbing nonsense absolutely, he biffed it hard and you should pay someone else to do that properly, but the tiling… You learned a valuable lesson as to why you don’t hire friends of friends to do jobs, ESPECIALLY jobs they don’t do as a trade.
He wasn’t well equipped to handle that job and you should have clued into that based on the fact he is a plumber.” therealestofthereals
Another User Comments:
“God, I’ve never laid a tile or plastered anything but even I could probably do a better job RIGHT NOW just by watching a couple of videos and using common sense than this jerk did being a professional. I would be VERY tempted not to pay them ANYTHING: it sounds like you’ll have to redo every single element of the bathroom, and that is super expensive.
Your uncle is wrong and the ‘plumber’ is useless. If he really is a professional, I would report them to whatever licensing board he is under in your area. This is a terrible waste of funds and a violation of trust. NTJ at all.” annrkea
The plumber was recommended to us . I’m a very capable diy’er and can do most things, don’t touch electrics . My lovely FIL passed away shortly after so didn’t have chance to go after the plumber to fix it. Man disappeared so I was stuck.
My husband realises now why I hate having tradespeople in . It’s taken him years to work that one out!
Apologies for any mistakes, unable to go back and correct
*ill
6. AITJ For Saying My Mother-In-Law Needs To Apologize?
“My husband has a pretty strained relationship with his mom at this point. We moved across the country five years ago and before our move my relationship with MIL was contentious. It has since calmed down and I was open to fixing it.
MIL has visited once in five years. She says that the burden should be on us because we moved but we also have small kids. She also sucks at keeping in touch, so my husband hasn’t had much of a relationship with her and she has never met our youngest (she goes on multiple vacations a year, so it isn’t a financial or mobility issue.)
My husband asked her to come and meet our two year old and because he wanted to see her. MIL agreed and was originally going to come with her husband, but there was a big falling out when some things her husband said about us were exposed and we did not want him in our house.
MIL wasn’t sure about coming but ended up agreeing to.
Well, she has been here for 3 nights and she hasn’t slept since she arrived and right now isn’t eating. She has passed the point of sleep deprivation and is crying and jittery right now.
She is probably also embarrassed because she is a very stiff upper lip type, and she just cannot stop crying. She was supposed to stay five nights but is leaving today, and I am aware sleep deprivation is horrible and she is somewhat out of it right now.
My husband called his stepdad to ask him to change her flight. SFIL was very concerned and said he knew this was going to happen because she can’t sleep unless she is held. He further elaborated that it is more restrained than held, and he holds her still for about 15 minutes so she can’t move her arms or legs, and that is the only way she can sleep, but MIL thought she could******* up for a week.
The real issue is MIL has been awful since we woke up this morning. I think she had a panic attack last night but that isn’t really an excuse. She has told me twice that I’m ugly, once that she hates me, and once that she feels bad for her son that he married me.
I told my husband that when she ‘comes to’ for lack of a better word I do expect an apology or I will never be willing to have her in our house again or visit her, ever.
He asked if I could just let it go this time because it isn’t her fault. I said I really don’t care and that isn’t an excuse. She can still apologize.
To be clear I don’t expect her to right now.
She is a mess. She is in the other room video-calling her husband, she’s shaky, and she keeps falling asleep and jerking awake and crying, but when she gets home and gets some rest I am staying firm that she will apologize or there will be no future visits.
My husband thinks I’m being heartless because ‘look at her.'”
Another User Comments:
“You think someone in the midst of deep sleep deprivation psychosis owes you an apology because your feelings got hurt?
YTJ. You and your spouse are very obviously aware of the deep deep trauma she has gone through. Even as a stranger on the internet reading this I could tell that this is something that she is embarrassed about and she’s obviously been avoiding going to visit you both because she doesn’t want any episodes to happen while she is in a strange place.
Then you forbid her support person from coming and she can’t explain why she needs that person there because she’s embarrassed so she decides to******* up and try to muscle through it anyways. No doubt because she is been repeatedly guilted by both of you for not visiting.
So she goes there and the worst-case scenario happens. Do you understand what starts happening to the brain after 72 hours of no sleep? I’ve been there myself. A few years ago due to very circumstances and travel, I went nearly 4 days with zero sleep.
I don’t remember anything from those 4 days. Barely anything anyways. At one point if I stood up without moving I would start tilting to the side. Like I was wasted. From what my travel companion told me a lamp post made me cry and I was convinced that I had accidentally flown to Sweden and not Vienna and I was determined to take a train back to Vienna.
Thankfully my sinus infection and extreme exhaustion and half of a bottle of wine finally caught up with me and I was able to sleep.
But again most of the ‘memories’ I have of that trip are the ones that she told me happened. I could understand if you were upset that no one told you of her particular sleeping quirk so you could have made arrangements for her.
But you’re completely glossing over the fact that it’s a severely traumatized woman with severe sleep disorder issues who was trying to muscle through it just to travel to a place she’s unfamiliar with which is a trigger for PTSD in a lot of people and she was willing to do something extraordinarily uncomfortable just to muscle through so that she can see her grandchild.
And she didn’t really even start breaking down until the third day or so. And your main point of contention is that on the final day of this before she left and she was in the midst of some sort of psychosis that she probably isn’t going to recall it all your feelings were hurt?
That is what you’re choosing to focus on. Not on the fact that this poor woman was willing to go through this just so she can visit her grandchild. That is why I think ultimately YTJ.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ but softly. Your relationship with your MIL and this situation are two different things. Honestly, the answer here is to have some sympathy because you really can’t put her on a plane like this.
Go cuddle her to sleep (it would be weird if your husband did) and be kind. I know everyone gets upset when you say ‘take the high road’ as a way to let people who treat you badly off the hook but I think now is a time to take the high road.
If she’s been awake this long it could be a health risk and she came all the way here to see you (which she should do more) without her husband knowing this could happen, but did it for you and the grandkids anyway.
Pile the kids up in there with you if she wants. But make her feel safe and for the love of god let this woman get some sleep. I know she’s been awful to you but she’s still family, and more importantly, she’s sick and in your care right now.
Be a mom, take care of her, sort out the family issues later.” shayart
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for wanting an apology. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD and the first time my husband playfully grabbed my wrists, I kicked him in the nuts.
I apologized immediately but also told him to never do that again, it’s a trigger when I’m restrained by someone. He understood I didn’t mean to do it but I still apologized.
YTJ for how you handled this.
You should’ve waited to talk to your husband after his mom left. He’s probably having a hard time with this and you are just adding unnecessary stress. Also demanding an apology never gets you anywhere.
You could have an adult conversation with your MIL and just let her know how you felt when she was nasty to you. Let her know you understand she was in distress but that she still really hurt you.
Then either she’ll apologize and you can move past this or she’ll refuse and that’s when you go no contact.” Bambie-Rizzo
5. WIBTJ If I Don't Pay For My Ex's Rent?
“My (23M) ex (23F) and I broke up about 2 months ago after she moved to a new city where I’m going to grad school. This was both of our first serious relationships and we decided to try to live together rather than do distance (we would have been 15hrs apart for the past 1.5 years).
A series of impulsive decisions led us to get a pair of kittens while we were together, I knew it was possible we might break up, but I always knew I would be willing to take them, or even let her have them if she wanted. Things didn’t work out living together so we broke up and I found a sublet and moved out.
She has a ‘real person’ job as she has graduated, while I am working for a stipend to pay for my tuition/rent (it is not a large amount). The apartment we moved out of was VERY nice and expensive and I never would have chosen to live there myself but together we could afford it (another bad decision, I know).
The apartment I moved into was much cheaper (almost 1/2 the price of hers). Because of this and because she said she couldn’t afford this nicer place on her own, I offered that I pay a portion of her rent/utilities so that in total, we end up paying the same per month.
When we broke up, I decided to let her make the decision about who keeps the kittens. I told her I was totally open to taking them if she didn’t want them and would always be there to help if she needed it.
She said she wanted them and seemed to be happy with them for about 2 months.
Eventually, she said they were a lot of responsibility, and asked if I wanted them about 3 weeks before Christmas (we both knew we were going 15 hrs home for a break).
She framed it as she wanted a break from them, and even said if I changed my mind she would take them back/help take care of them on breaks, etc. I was ecstatic, as I would love to have them, but also thought it was a little sus that it was right before Christmas and we would have to pay someone to watch them.
I figured whatever and I’ll take the hit because I wanted them.
Fast forward to 3 weeks later, and she tells me she bought a new puppy. I said I was happy but I felt totally taken advantage of.
She didn’t get rid of the cats because they were a lot, she just didn’t want them and didn’t want to admit that. She also basically lied about helping with the cats (if I ever need it in the future) as she has a dog and wouldn’t be able to take them.
Also, I feel like she can’t be in that much financial trouble as she bought a new dog which is not cheap! Keep in mind she makes more than I do and also has a beautiful apartment while I am living in a much more modest place, so I feel like it’s not fair to pay the same if she is financially comfortable.
I am struggling to pay my bills and have had to be super conscious of my money recently because I am borderline not making enough to pay my rent/food/etc. WIBTJ if I said I don’t want to pay her rent anymore?
INFO: Both of our names are on the lease, which ends in 8 months. The original apartment is a 1 bedroom so she can’t sublet.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Dogs cost a fortune, if she can afford a puppy, she can afford her rent.
The break-up seems amicable from the details in your post, so the first thing would probably be to explain to your ex that you’re struggling financially, she may have no idea of this.
How long is left on the lease for your old/her current place? If it’s not long then you could let her know that you’ll only be paying the extra until the lease ends and then it’s her choice whether she wants to stay and pay it herself or move.
However, if your name is also on the lease for the place you moved out of then you may be liable for the rent anyway and non-payment may affect your credit score/may have your details passed to debt collectors so double-check all of that too!” africanthistle
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, you’re both responsible for paying the rent until such a point when you no longer are on the lease – you haven’t lived with her for 8+ months, you really should have dealt with this issue sooner and removed yourself from the lease.
Does it suck for you? Most definitely, but again, you need to deal with that – if you move out, it’s your responsibility to figure something out to get yourself off the hook for paying an otherwise legal payment.
The situation with the cats seems unrelated to the overall issue, but I’d say everyone sucks here for that situation as well – don’t get pets in a relationship without a proper breakup plan, and without any of this passive ‘whatever’ nonsense because they’re living beings and deserve better and more love than that.
If you hadn’t been on the lease, and this craziness with the cats hadn’t happened, I definitely would’ve voted solely in your favor.” BetterSavings6
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You SAID you would take the cats – she gave them to you.
So what’s the problem?
You did not handle that in a clever way: Since you still are on the lease, you will have to pay rent for the next 8 months. Or you will get sued for it – and still, pay – and your credit rating will take a hit.
You entered a contract, and need to keep it. On the bright side: You could move back in. – You can get out of the lease IF your partner voluntarily takes over for you – not likely.” That_Contribution720
4. AITJ For Holding A Grudge Against My Coworkers For Not Liking The Food I Brought?
“I have been at my job for three years. Everything has been great up until a few weeks ago. I had an excellent rapport with my boss and coworkers, we all worked great together as a team, and I enjoyed my work.
A few weeks ago we had a departmental Christmas party. There are only five of us so it is small, and takes place during our lunch break. My boss tells us to bring something that meets one of the following criteria: something special to you, like a recipe handed down in your family, something you are really, really, good at making, or something unique that maybe people have not had before.
Now, we did not have a Christmas party last year, and the year before I had made cupcakes, which were very much overshadowed by a cake my boss brought from a rather famous bakery.
So I listen to see what everyone is bringing and I decide to bring a charcuterie plate. It was really beautiful if I do say so myself. It had meats, cheeses, nuts, crackers – a good medley of stuff, plus honey, jam, and mustard.
I was super proud of how it turned out.
Well, the day comes and everything is laid out. People start eating and after a while, I notice no one has touched the charcuterie. I’m very confused. Well, then my boss starts talking about the individual items everyone else brought and complimenting them like crazy.
Saying ‘oh coworker A this dish made the party! Coworker B, this is the most delicious thing I have ever had!’ Making sure everyone is mentioned – except me. He completely ignores my contribution like it isn’t even there.
But after an hour or so he goes over, takes a single olive, and says ‘what kind of olive is this?’ I say Kalamata. He responds with ‘the only good olive is Castel Vetrano’ and leaves it on his plate.
Then picks up a piece of hard salami (that was cut thick on purpose), waves it around and says ‘someone needs to teach you how to cut deli meat’ and throws it away without even tasting it.
I cannot tell you how mortified and insulted I was. One coworker tried to say she personally ‘ate a lot’ but I know how I laid out the tray and almost nothing had been touched. This entire thing came 100% out of the blue.
No one has ever spoken to me or treated me like that the entire time I have worked here. I have no idea where it came from or why.
Now it’s weeks later and I still can’t get over how rude this was.
My boss went on vacation after this party and won’t be back until tomorrow. He is going to say something because the atmosphere in the office has 100% changed, and that’s because before, I was the one to come in and make light conversation and keep everyone chit-chatting and friendly, which he loved. Now it is like a morgue here.
I only talk to them about work matters, otherwise, I have headphones in and just watch the clock. One coworker said the other day I need to ‘snap out of whatever mood I’m in’.
This tray was a huge waste of time and money for me, am I being the jerk by not forgiving and forgetting?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You’re taking this way too personally. Obviously, it just wasn’t a hit and you’re spending weeks holding onto something that wasn’t meant to be malicious.
Do you really want to sacrifice your work relationships because you’re hurt and no one complimented your dish?
Don’t get me wrong I understand it probably sucks to feel like no one liked something you were proud of.
It was the right dish but the wrong crowd. However, it’s time to take the loss and move on.” Overall-Database-400
Another User Comments:
“I will say NTJ for just sticking to business. I can’t imagine no one liking meat, cheese, nuts, and crackers.
I mean cheese and crackers, right? Even if the meats did not appeal. The polite thing to do is take a bit of each and at least try it.
Their refusal was not an accident.
If no one took one thing to eat either they’re telling you they don’t like you, although that doesn’t make sense with your chitchat comment.
The only time I’ve seen no one eat an offering was from a woman we knew did not wash her hands after using the restroom.
She caught on, I guess, and started bringing chips.” ohsogreen
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. This is such an odd situation. Your colleagues were rude to comment negatively on the food, but it’s also fair to leave it if they didn’t like it.
It’s really just up to you to decide whether you want to forgive and forget and go back to working in a friendlier environment or if you don’t care about that and would rather work in silence so they know you’re annoyed, but they don’t know why.
If this is something you’re going to care about in 5 years then stick with being frosty. If it’s something that will annoy you for a short while, then just let it go, your bad mood only wastes your own time and energy.
You could also tell them they upset you – most people have NO IDEA about how their actions might affect others.” africanthistle
3. AITJ For Getting Engaged The Day After My Sister's Engagement?
“My (f31) sister A (f29) and I aren’t close, but I have been trying to reach out to her more often even though she lives in another state.
She and her partner have been together for 4 years and have been waiting to get engaged due to finances. My partner of 6 months is wealthy and I and my children moved in with him 2 months into the relationship.
He is also the owner of the company I’ve worked at for over a year.
On NYE, her partner of 4 years proposed. She texted our mom letting her know and mom told me. I texted A asking for the story and a picture of the ring.
She replied with everything I requested and I told her I was happy for her. She was pretty excited.
On the afternoon of New Year’s Day, my partner of 6 months proposed. I just finalized my divorce and I knew he had the ring so I was semi-expecting it.
(before anyone asks, yes there was some overlap in the relationships, but that isn’t the point here). Turns out he intended to propose in the spring, but after seeing my sister engaged he decided to move the date up so I wouldn’t have to wait for my own proposal. He was planning on doing it regardless.
I texted A with the announcement, excitedly telling her we are both engaged now, but apparently, my mom had already told her. She didn’t text me first with congratulations, which I was surprised at.
She did respond to my announcement with a simple congratulations. I guess she texted our mom after telling her to not tell anyone she is engaged now because I obviously need the spotlight on me (which is not true).
She also mentioned to another relative that she wouldn’t have minded if it were a week after her engagement, but since my fiance proposed the day after, we stole the thunder she and her fiancé have been waiting years for.
I feel like the date doesn’t matter. I feel like she is being selfish, to be honest. I think she is jealous my partner was more financially capable of buying a ring and proposing sooner.
She has escalated into telling our mom that she will not be attending my wedding and insulting me by saying she may possibly attend my third. She has also stated I will not be invited to hers.
AITJ for getting engaged the day after my sister?
Edit to add a few things:
My affair has nothing to do with this. My children are safe and happy.
For those asking what my sister and her fiancé do that I am so sure she is jealous of money.
She is in school and I don’t know what her fiancé does. I know she was an HR rep before going back to school, but I don’t know what she does now for work.
I know she had to borrow funds from our mom to pay her property taxes last year though. I also know through our relatives that she published a couple of books this year (now that I think of it, she may hate me for the way I acted about that).
I guess I just assumed she was jealous because she lives a much more toned-downed life. I just assumed it wasn’t by choice. But maybe it is? Typing this out, I sort of realize that I don’t know her at all anymore…
I get it, everyone thinks I am a gold digger. That’s not true. I love my fiance.”
Another User Comments:
“Your fiancé is a jerk and was the one who decided to propose earlier, the very next day and it sounds like the very same afternoon after you got the news, just because she had done it and so that ‘you wouldn’t have to wait’.
Money isn’t the main thing in life, even though you try to paint as if your relationship was better than hers just for that. Maybe it is the most important thing to you.
I really get the feeling both your fiancé and you are jealous people who need to be always first. That’s the reason you have mentioned his wealth so much, even though it wasn’t all that relevant, to ‘prove’ he is better than her fiancé in some way.
If you didn’t want the spotlight, you wouldn’t have messaged her only hours after her telling you, especially since you knew how much they had waited for this moment. Not all news has to be told immediately.
YTJ.” Slow-Bumblebee-8609
Another User Comments:
“Your partner (now fiancé) sounds narcissistic in my opinion. Why couldn’t he wait for the date he originally planned to propose to you on? Because he saw your sister was in the spotlight and wanted the spotlight to be on him and maybe you/take away sister’s exciting news ~ you even admit this in your original post.
Also, you admit too that your sister knew that your now fiancé was going to propose to you in the spring…while her fiancé sounds like he had planned to propose on NYE..so how did her fiancé ‘beat yours to the punch’ when yours didn’t plan to propose that soon?
I honestly think you’re trying to justify your and your fiancé’s poor choices instead of taking accountability for how both of your choices have impacted your sister. I completely understand why your sister will not be in attendance at your wedding and is not inviting you to hers.
This whole situation is a mess..” kdlee26
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. For multiple reasons.
- Your fiancé would have to be the IQ of a flea to not know that intentionally changing the proposal to the day after your sister’s is an attempt at stealing the spotlight.
- She and her fiancé waited 4 YEARS for her (presumably first) engagement. You waited a few months for your second? And she’s the selfish one? Really? Do you even know who you’re marrying?
Like, actually? You admittedly don’t even know your sister that well. You claim his wealth has nothing to do with why you’re with him, but your own thought process is speaking volumes in the other direction.
- Your whole third statement on your ETA just screams ‘I must be better because my fiancé’s rich’ without you directly exclaiming it. I think you might wanna reflect on who’s actually the selfish and vain one, OP.
I hope your sister has a fantastic wedding, considering you won’t be there to steal the thunder there, too, and it’s a relationship I can see lasting. Or let me guess: you’re gonna have your wedding the day after hers too?” FallingBackToEarth
Yes your fiance could have timed it better. But especially if you and your sister aren't in much contact, why should he wait?
2. AITJ For Not Making Vegan Meals For My Daughter?
“My (44 M) daughter (16 F) has recently gone vegan, due to her wanting to help out the earth more, and I’ve been extremely supportive. I promised to make her vegan meals alongside my non-vegan meals.
She was happy about that.
I’m a single dad, and I do all the cooking, cleaning, etc, and I get really tuckered out by the end of the day. Recently, work has been keeping me late with a bunch of new projects & documents, and by the time I get home, it’s almost around the time you’d eat supper, and I’m about ready to sleep.
And on top of having to make MY meal, I have to make a whole separate meal just for my daughter.
However, I would push through even if I was tired. After about 2 weeks of it though I decided my daughter’s vegan diet was most likely a phase, as I’ve seen multiple people go through this vegan/vegetarian thing.
I decided it was not worth breaking my back over when it would be so much easier to just make one meal for us both.
I immediately let her know, and I told her my reasoning, and that in a few months, she’d probably not even remember the time when she had wanted to go vegan, and I just honestly couldn’t keep putting myself through extra labor.
She called me a jerk straight away and told me I was ignorant of her feelings and that her diet was not my choice. I understand that, but I don’t feel her ‘diet’ should make me have more work to do.
I finally told her I was not going to change my mind, and she could either eat the meal I made, or she could go buy her food herself. She continued to call me a huge jerk.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Making 2 meals instead of 1 is hard, especially when you’re tired—so not feeling up to it is okay. If it was left at that and she had her own resources available, I would have said you are NTJ.
However, dismissing her feelings and choices by claiming and implying they’re ‘a phase’ multiple times is harmful, especially in this kind of relationship. At her age, she’s at this stage of life where she’s old enough to have her own mature thoughts and feelings, but oftentimes not old enough to be respected and heard by people.
That makes it so important that you as her father show that you value her thoughts and feelings. Sure, some things may end up being phases, and that’s okay! But why assume they are, therefore dismissing the validity, until you know for sure?
I suggest you sit down with her and discuss that you were wrong in dismissing her feelings, even if that wasn’t your intention–and then express to her why you feel, for your own sake, you cannot make 2 separate meals every day.
Best of luck.” ohnoitscloud
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, but so is she. First of all, vegetarianism/veganism is a decision you make for many good reasons. I don’t see you being ‘extremely supportive’ if you think it’s only a phase.
I mean you’re not even sharing the same meal at the dinner table. You help out by cooking and although I’ve been cooking my own meals at her age, it’s part of being a parent: feeding the kids.
Stopping it the other day by telling her to buy her own food is extremely unsupportive btw – it is basically a sign of zero tolerance. Sure you might provide the money, but the choice of words in an argument was really bad.
On the other side, she’s about to be an adult. Grow up, get on your own feet and start your progress. Even though you are father and daughter, it’s still her life and her decision.
Never expect people to adapt if you’re not willing to do so. It’s also hard working your butt off and cooking a big menu, it is understandable (although I see other parents do the same).
As we don’t know the full conversation, I can’t really tell if she’s wrong to call you a jerk. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not a fan of cursing, but I can imagine the impact of your words could have led to a harsh reaction.
Solution? Have another conversation, and tell her help in the kitchen is highly appreciated. Encourage her to take the initiative and be more involved. She’s willing to change, but she could do better. Try some of her meals, you’ll realize soon that you don’t need dairy/meat every time.
Both need to be more supportive in my eyes. Both need to apologize.” vanda_man
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. For several things.
The first is simple: you promised. As a parent, you made a promise to your child, and now you want to quit because it’s hard.
If you’re not going to keep a promise, don’t make one in the first place. YTJ.
It is possible for us meat lovers to eat vegan sometimes. You don’t always have to make two separate meals.
I will sometimes make myself something vegan or vegetarian. Just because I wouldn’t want to eat that way all the time doesn’t mean I can’t eat it at all. You are using this as an excuse.
YTJ.
You decided it was just a phase. Without even discussing it with your daughter, who specifically said she was trying to help the planet. Again, an excuse to make yourself feel better. YTJ.
If at 16, your daughter is unable to make a meal for herself, you are not doing a good job as a parent. By this age, all my kids could manage to cook a meal. If you are not teaching her adult skills, YTJ for that, too.
Think about what you have taught your daughter in this: promises made to her don’t matter; her wanting to help the planet doesn’t matter; her feelings don’t matter; what you want always overrules anything she wants, without any discussion, even after you’ve promised; your work is more important than she is.
If she concludes that she doesn’t matter to you, how can you claim that she does?” RevKyriel
1. AITJ For Not Cooking Dinner For My Partner?
“So yesterday as I (24F) was leaving work I thought it’d be nice to grab the leftover desserts I made (I work in a restaurant as a pastry chef) and give them to my partner (29F) to hand out at her work.
I think it was around 5ish when I arrived at her work. I talked to my partner for a bit and mentioned that she was hungry and asked what we were going to have for dinner.
I left her work around 5:30 to go home and shower. By the time I finished showering, I went to bed and just decompressed for an hour or so bringing us to around 7.
Mind you this is really the first time I’ve got to just lie down and relax.
I’ve been working 12-hour days since around Thursday in preparation for the NYE event and through the weekend because the other pastry chef is unable to work as much. Every day has me going in at 7 and coming home at 7 or 8.
I also don’t get any breaks at work other than stuffing my face with some food over the trash can for like 5 minutes.
Well, my partner comes home at 7 and immediately says she doesn’t smell any food.
I apologized and said I got distracted and was reading for a bit. She got mad that I didn’t make food and that she was starving. And had she known I didn’t start cooking yet she would’ve gotten something on the way home.
Honestly, I started seeing red. I’d been working my butt off being basically the only pastry chef at work this whole week. I’ve made hundreds of desserts and not only was it stressful, but it was also physically exhausting.
I told her that I’d been standing on my feet all day. And she said that she had to. She works in sales and has a basically 1-9 job with breaks and lunch breaks.
I understand that it’s hard dealing with difficult customers and whatnot, but I feel like at least for this week my work has been way harder. Me making deadlines and rushing around to prepare desserts and getting yelled at by the chefs.
Anyways I started cooking food about 10 mins later cuz I was getting hungry and was just putting dishes away loudly and cooking loudly. I know I was being petty, but I was just so angry.
My partner asked why I was angry and I told her that I hate it when she just demands I make food for her like I’m some maid. She can make food for herself (which she did.
I guess she couldn’t wait for me to make food and got herself some pizza rolls) like an adult. After that, I just put some earbuds in and continued to cook which was probably a bit of a jerk move.
Eventually, she went to the second bedroom because I was too loud even though she was blasting the TV in the living room. I continued cooking at what I thought was a normal volume until she burst open the door and said that she was just going to bed at like 7:30.
Now she’s ignoring me and slamming doors in my face this morning. I don’t know how to proceed with this. I’m not sorry that I didn’t start dinner before 7. This is actually the first time I’ve been able to get off ‘early’ on a Saturday.
Usually, I close and leave at 1 in the morning.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but it could have been handled better. My husband worked as a cook for years, and I am amazed that you got off at 5 around the holidays.
I remember my husband working shifts like you until 12-1 am and missing all the holidays, while I worked days and was usually asleep by the time he got off work. It sucked. Your partner could definitely do a better job of being understanding of your need for self-care after work, and being more appreciative of having a professional chef in the house; not just taking it for granted that you will cook for her.
But, I think you could have done a better job of communicating your feelings to her, in an assertive way, and vice versa. Maybe some of it was a misunderstanding? Perhaps she just wanted a heads-up that you weren’t cooking so she could make a pit stop on her way home.
Either way, I think the situation is resolvable if you’re both willing to be patient, listen to each other, and then the situation can be avoided in the future.” PiscesPolack
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You both need to learn how to communicate with each other – and also what ‘hangry’ is. You both should really know this by now at 24/29 but throwing stuff around in the kitchen, slamming doors and the silent treatment just show a bunch of underlying (frankly childish) problems in your relationship that neither of you would (I hope) tolerate in friends, so why are you doing that to each other?
You both have adult jobs, it’s time to adult-up your relationship with each other. Good luck!” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
‘my partner comes home at 7 and immediately says she doesn’t smell any food.’
If she doesn’t recognize that as jerk behavior by default, I really don’t know what to tell her. If she not only refuses to apologize but is still sulking about being called on it, all I can tell you is that you should really sit down and think through if this is the only example of self-centeredness and/or deeply disrespectful and ineffective communication she’s displayed.” mm172
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. She shouldn’t have been a jerk because you hadn’t started cooking yet, but that doesn’t give you any right to throw a childish tantrum slamming things around and telling her she could cook for herself when she’d already made herself food and you were literally cooking for YOURSELF.” katiebug1689
