People Have A Lot Of Baggage In These “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
21. AITJ For Not Giving My Mom My Coworker's Cookies?
“I (19F) went to the beach with a group of my coworkers two days ago. Half of the group went to Target before heading over to the beach and we bought snacks, everyone purchasing their own desired items and even some stuff in a bigger size to have extra of at home.
Fast forward to later in the day, we start cleaning up our beach setup and put everyone’s food in separate bags and put them in the trunk of the car and went off to do other activities in the area.
One of my coworkers and his partner left early because she had to work at 5 am, and it started to get late.
Later on, we all decided to go home, and once we arrived back at my coworker’s house (two of us met up at her house) we started cleaning out her car, realizing that my coworker who left early with his partner, left his bag snacks in our car.
Since I was scheduled with him the next day, I volunteered to take it with me and give it to him tomorrow. Once I arrived home around 12 am, I left the bag on my kitchen counter off to the side so I wouldn’t forget the following day.
The next morning, my dad had already left for work and my mom was in her room, I greeted her and showed her pictures of the beach. She asked me to make her a coffee, and of course I said yes and headed out of the room.
Before I could walk out, she said “Oh! I saw that in the Target bag you bought some Madeleines, but your dad said you probably bought them for your friends,” and I responded “Sorry Mom but I didn’t buy them at all!
My coworker left it in the car yesterday and I was going to give it to him today.” She understood and I proceeded to tell her I did buy other snacks if she wanted any, but she declined. I made her coffee and that was the end of that conversation.
Today, my parents and I are getting ready to go to an event at my church, I’m downstairs with my dad and my mom is still getting dressed. My dad says to me “By the way, your mom said she saw some Madeleines in that Target bag earlier yesterday and you said they were your friend’s and she was sad the rest of the day.
Next time just give them to her.” I tried to tell him that isn’t exactly what happened but he interrupted me and started telling me that it was my coworker’s fault for leaving them and that I shouldn’t even have brought it into the house.
I started to get upset and told my dad it wasn’t my fault she got sad about the cookies, and I was going to buy her a box next time I went to the store, but he continued bickering as I left the room.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. More manufactured nonsense. Sad about cookies? Give me a break. This is pathetic. A grown woman acting like a spoiled brat over cookies. What part of they are not my cookies didn’t she understand?
They were not your cookies! Did either one of you offer to pay you for the cookies? Nah of course not. And your dad is enabling this nonsense. It’s your coworker’s fault for leaving cookies. Next time just give them to her.
Make it make sense. Forget that noise.” Unicornfarts68
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The cookies were not yours to give. That is pretty understandable but somehow your dad did not see that line, which is a bit concerning. For your mother to be sad for an entire day because she could not have a cookie sounds a bit juvenile or someone that likes the victim role.
If he was so concerned, he could have gone to the store and gotten her a box of the cookies.” Late_Confidence8101
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ. You’re 19, so your mother is obviously old enough to know that she can’t always have every little thing she wants.
“She was sad the rest of the day.” I don’t care for popular catchphrases, but this is the actual definition of a first-world problem. Your mom needs to go volunteer in a homeless shelter if being denied a snacky treat caused her to pout for the rest of the day.
And since whatever Madeleines are can be easily purchased at Target, why couldn’t she go buy her own if she wanted them that badly?” Dittoheadforever
20. AITJ For Keeping Records Of My Contributions To The Family Business?
“I’m a woman in my late 50s, married to my husband, early 60s. We’ve been married for 30-odd years.
I have fulfilled the role of a ‘traditional’ wife for much of our marriage, and I left paid work soon into our marriage. My husband is very successful in his business and we live comfortably. All our children are adults now.
My husband built his business from the ground up, and I was instrumental to the early success that set it up to be what it is today. We were having lunch with our children when my son mentioned that his wife didn’t want to be ‘trad wife’ and do what I did to raise the kids.
She raised concerns about how vulnerable a position it is and that she doesn’t want to solely depend on him for money. He wanted me to talk to her and convince her by telling her how it worked out for me.
I said I understood where she was coming from, and being a housewife is incredibly risky and vulnerable, especially if he leaves her and she’s been out of the labor force for a while. He countered that it had worked for his father and me because I trusted him as my husband to provide for me and why couldn’t his wife do the same?
I told him I have a meticulous record of all contributions I have ever made to the family business – recently digitized with the help of my daughter – so that if the worst ever happened, I wouldn’t be relying on the mercy of a man to feed myself.
I told him I have made many contingency plans over the years to minimize the risk of being a housewife and compensate for my lack of pension and benefits I’d have had had I not left the labor force.
My son and husband were angered by this. Both said it showed a lack of trust, and my husband especially feels I’ve had ‘one foot out the door’ our entire marriage and that my ‘little escape plan’ included plans to ‘shaft him of his business’.
I told him the fact that he refers to it as ‘his’ business rather than ‘ours’ is exactly why I kept those records and why I won’t be telling my daughter-in-law to do what she doesn’t want to do.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That’s legal savviness right there. What do men obtain out of getting their wives to entirely throw their financial security into the wind? Barring separation and divorce, what happens to the wife if the husband dies unexpectedly?
Does she throw herself in a fire? End up living in the streets because the husband provided and now there is no provider and she has no savings, no plan? And what is this modern obsession for tradwives? In societies where it takes two salaries to care for a family?
Son is a jerk for not respecting his fiancée/wife’s wishes. What if SHE wanted him to be a househusband? What gives him the right to demand of her what she won’t give? Husband is a jerk for not understanding that protecting yourself from very possible hardships that have very practical ramifications has nothing to do with not trusting him.
It has to do with self-preservation.” ChibiSailorMercury
Another User Comments:
“”I told him the fact that he refers to it as ‘his’ business rather than ‘ours’ is exactly why I kept those records and why I won’t be telling my daughter-in-law to do what she doesn’t want to do.” Ha!
Lady, you’re a rock star! Ain’t it funny, that it’s always ‘you should just blindly trust me’ and when you then make sure you’re not screwed over, they’re upset that they don’t get to screw you over. My father would’ve beamed with pride if my mom would’ve done something like this.
NTJ. There’s a post floating around on here, with a lot of updates. Something like ‘AITJ for not accepting my SO’s marriage proposal, after 25 years’ or something like that. That OP was a SAHM, without being married, because her partner ‘didn’t want to have the government involved in their relationship, blah blah’.
Yeah, so… she ended up in a homeless shelter if I recall correctly.” Special_Lychee_6847
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I love that shiny steel spine and razor-sharp mind you’ve got. I think every woman should keep meticulous records of her contributions.
If your son and husband actually considered you their equal, they’d be cheering you on, not questioning your motives. It’s just a poor reflection of how they truly see you as lesser, as well as your DIL.
I’m glad that in Italy, if a couple divorces (not a simple process), the husband is required by law to reimburse his spouse based on how many years she stayed home to care for the children or home.
Like alimony in the US, but it’s a set calculation to basically pay her for all her lost wages. Be that 5 years or 16 years she stayed out of the workforce – in addition to receiving half of property, and support for any young children, and half of any government pension.
I’m not saying all divorces are easy or fair, but women are not left destitute after years of being a SAHM, by law. Sadly this happens far too often in the US, so I think you are incredible, and your husband and son need to straighten out their priorities.” savinathewhite
19. AITJ For Accepting An Expensive Gift From My Partner?
“I (29)F received my partner’s (32)M gift two weeks ago. I won’t go into details about what he bought me, but it was quite expensive (around 2k USD).
It was something that would help me out with my work a lot and I couldn’t afford it to get it myself. We live together, so naturally there is an opportunity for him to use it whenever he wants if he wants or needs to.
A few days ago, we had guests over and they asked about it and I happily told them that he got it for me, then they asked for the price of it and when I told them they were all shocked that I accepted it.
They told me I am being a jerk and I could seem like a gold digger. Am I wrong for accepting it? My partner doesn’t see anything wrong with getting it or me accepting it, and I thought the same until my friends told me what they did.
I am not sure what to do right now. Should I tell my partner it’s better for us to return it so he can get his money back? Also, I want to point out, that I have never told him I want him to buy this for me.
I was just talking about saving money for it and he decided to get it for me because he wanted to make it easier for me. Please let me know.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. People in a relationship can give each other whatever they want.
You need to not be sharing prices of stuff with nosy, judgy people. It’s not their business. Get comfortable saying ‘that’s not really an appropriate question’ or ‘why are you asking me this’? And they had the gall to take the info you shared with them and judge you with it?
What is wrong with your friends? Let’s say what he bought was a laptop for you. Why are they so shocked that someone would give that as a gift? It’s very nice, and generous, and you say it’s for work so practical too.
Either they’re jealous, poor, immature, and judgemental, or all wrapped in one. Tell them you’re sorry they don’t really understand how relationships work and that they have such a problem with this. Then go about your business. And never answer money questions if you don’t want to, especially about large things, it’s no one’s business and it’s tacky to ask.” Canadian_01
Another User Comments:
“I cannot emphasize this enough, NTJ. At all. Your friends are clearly jealous as heck over your partner getting something not just nice (I’m imagining something gem-encrusted haha) but clearly something that benefits you splendidly in your line of work.
So it’s clearly not just a frivolous luxury item like a gold-plated toilet seat or what have you, it sounds like it was a gift and an investment all at once. Dear god, you’re not a gold digger at all!
You’re showing gratitude for a very pricey gift. Don’t you dare apologize for anything, your behavior is Grade A.” WiseOldBMW
Another User Comments:
“Wow! You have very intrusive friends. And while you could say it was a gift, why did you mention the price?
It is absolutely none of their business. And you can accept expensive gifts. It doesn’t make you a gold digger. You need to get better friends because those few are horrible. NTJ. And stop worrying about what stupid friends think.” Even_Enthusiasm7223
18. AITJ For Declining To Attend My Husband's Expensive And Unpleasant Fraternal Organization Event?
“My husband (m72) is a devout Catholic man who belongs to the Knights of Columbus, a Catholic men’s fraternal organization. Every year they host a Columbus Day Ball, a formal dinner and dance.
I (f68) have a number of reasons for declining to attend these things.
First is the food. They ask $75 per person. At least half the time I’ve found the food to be inedible. “Prime rib” that was a slab of fat and gristle with two or three thumbnail-size bits of meat. Chicken coated with a mustard glaze, to which I am violently allergic.
(And yes, the facility was told about it ahead of time and assured us that I would be served something else. They lied.) Buffets that run out of food before half the diners have been served and try to hurry more food out from the kitchens, cold and only partially cooked. Vegetables so heavily seasoned as to be inedible.
Drinks are only booze or coffee/tea, all of which you have to get up and get for yourself. I’m tired of paying that kind of price for a “meal” of a tiny salad that consists of two cherry tomato halves & a lettuce leaf, and a 2-inch square of stale, tasteless chocolate cake.
Waitstaff slaps the food on the table like they’re feeding pigs and disappears, never to be seen again. Management is nowhere to be found.
Endless dull speeches where every local, district, and state officer is introduced by his long, highfalutin title.
Then the DJs turn up the music to 150 decibels so that your neighbor has to scream directly in your ear to be heard. Instant migraine time.
My husband gave me the flyer for the one that will be held this fall.
I said no thank you, dear. He got upset and demanded to know why not. I told him why, in basically the same words as above. He was even more upset.
And it’s not like it’s the only time of year we can see each other, or our only meal out.
We’re retired. We can see each other all day every day.
So, AITJ for declining to pay $75 for the privilege of a very minimal “meal”, immense boredom, and intense physical pain?”
Another User Comments:
“You will obviously not have a good time so don’t go.
All the comments about “do it for your husband” are out of line. He’s 72. He’s been to a lot of these dinners, I imagine, and it’s a service club, not a country club, so it’s not your interest, it’s his.
He’ll be fine without you. NTJ. At his age, the dinner has nothing to do with his career or similar, he’s retired. Stay home and make yourself a nice steak.” hadMcDofordinner
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’ve been married a while.
You’re both retired. At some point, you can say enough of these dinners. Life’s too short to suffer. $75 x2 is far too much to pay for this terrible food. How many have you been to over the years? IF it’s more than 5, you’ve definitely done your duty.
(Lol) I feel it’s important to ask this… Does your husband accompany you repetitively to your events that he finds tedious, dull & expensive with bad food?” Bring-out-le-mort
Another User Comments:
“It’s a fundraiser – $150 for two is pretty reasonable in the fund-raising realm.
Sure, you hate it. But it’s one meal – for what your husband considers a good cause. Maybe he wants to show you off to his old codger friends. Maybe he just doesn’t want to look sad and lonely – or be set upon by women believing he’s an eligible widower.
If you can afford the ticket price you should go. Wear something that makes you feel great, put a smile on your face, be pleasant, and enjoy the company (instead of focusing on the lousy food). Someday you won’t have every day to enjoy with your husband and it might be nice to have memories of things done together, even if the food is laughably awful.” AlbanyBarbiedoll
17. AITJ For Considering Removing My Unsupportive Friend From My Bridal Party?
“I, (22 F) have a friend “C” who is in my bridal party but has really been a bad friend recently.
She got married this past March and I did everything I could do to be supportive towards her (threw her a 1000$ bridal shower where she got NO ONE to show up), brought gifts to every bridal event, etc. We have been friends since we were 14/15 and I have only met her now husband once and it was at their wedding where I was a bridesmaid.
Now it is my time to get married and ever since her wedding she has been really gloomy about the whole thing. I am buying everything else for everyone so the only thing they have to pay for is their dress and shoes (both should be under 250$) so it’s not a money problem.
Anytime I type in the bridesmaid group chat she ignores it or replies three days later.
I threw a bridesmaids luncheon with swimming so that everyone could get to know each other and so we could informally meet her husband.
She texted me fifteen minutes after it started saying she couldn’t force him to go so they won’t be attending. I wrote her a text explaining how I felt and she just sort of blew it off, but anytime I want to do something to support her she is instantly fine.
I just don’t know what to do. This is one of my close friends. We have always talked about how we will get married and make a huge friend group. I have tried to be a good friend and do everything to support her but I don’t want to lose the friendship or also be miserable this entire time of my wedding.
This is such a sweet season of my life and I don’t want to have to worry about her the entire time. Please let me know the honest truth of what you think and how I should continue.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your (and your future husband’s) day. If you don’t want her in the bridal party, that’s up to you. Though it kind of sounds like she doesn’t want to be in it either. I’d maybe ask her directly “Is this too much commitment for you right now?” but even if you don’t do that you still wouldn’t be a jerk to tell her “I don’t think you have the time to focus on my wedding at the moment so I’m going to ask someone else to step up, but thank you for doing what you’ve already done for me,” or something similar.
It sounds like she has something going on or just isn’t as keen on your friendship anymore anyway, so there IS a possibility you will still lose that friendship though, so be prepared. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding though.
Don’t let one cloud drown out your sunlight. ” Beneficial_Local1012
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I wonder if maybe your friendship isn’t reciprocal but you didn’t provide enough contextual history to determine as such. Therefore, I suggest you just have a heart-to-heart conversation with your friend about whether or not she sees you truly as a friend and wants to be part of your bridal party.
Some things that stood out: “(threw her a 1000$ bridal shower where she got NO ONE to show up.)” Why did no one show up? Does she not just have any friends or family or maybe everyone just was busy coincidentally on that date?
“We have been friends since we were 14/15 and I have only met her now husband once and it was at their wedding where I was a bridesmaid.” Seems a bit sus you only met the husband once if you’re best friends and never while they were seeing each other but maybe you just don’t live close to each other?
Granted I can only go off what information you provided, but the friendship kind of sounds one-sided. Do you have other friends and family you can get their opinions on?” Roxxor247
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I wonder, do you think your friend might be having husband issues, and that’s the reason for her flakiness and nonsupport?
You’ve reached out several times trying to set up a time to meet her husband and she hasn’t responded. That could very well be because her husband isn’t letting her respond. Reach out to her, let her know your thoughts re the bridesmaid thing, and tell her how much her support up to this point has meant to you.
Tell her she can always count on you to be there for her in any way she might need. And that you love her and want what’s best for her always. Hopefully, this will let her know that she can still count on you.
Now, I might be mistaken over the whole thing. But what if I’m not? Erring on the side of compassion out of love for your friend will always be the right thing to do. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding.” Global_Look2821
16. AITJ For Feeling Violated When Family Friends Touched And Commented On My Muscular Body?
“I (16m) am a Filipino, who is going to the gym and training consistently.
As a result, I’m quite muscular.
This began today, as I was having a party. I went to greet the guests, and the guests (who are my “family” according to my parents, even though they are just really close friends) started touching my body (not anywhere inappropriate but rather my chest, biceps, and shoulders).
I felt violated and that I had no rights because as the party continued, they also were commenting over my body, calling it beautiful and stuff along that line.
When the guests left, I asked my parents about it, saying that I felt violated when they touched and commented over me.
My mom (54f) responded that they were just complimenting me, and my dad (55m) said that I was weird for not accepting my culture and that if 100 people think it isn’t weird but I think it is then I’m wrong.
It ended with my mom saying that if I felt so bad then I should tell them to stop next time, also saying it would be embarrassing. My dad said that I wasn’t mature enough, that he was more mature and older, which meant his argument was right, and that as parents, they were my gods in this world.
I just had another half an hour talk with my parents. It was horrible, I was just getting lectured that what they did was okay and I should be proud of it. They thought I was overreacting.
I just felt like my body was a commodity, that my choices and feelings didn’t matter.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“1. It’s your body, and you should be free to control it.
2. A lot of parents think they’re gods. I suppose, if we judge by the behavior of most gods, they may be right. But most gods are jerks, and so are parents who think they’re gods.
3. Your mother is right in one respect: You should’ve told them to stop at the time. It’s futile to complain about it now.
4. Given that what they were doing was intended as complimentary, that it is (from what you say) normal in your culture, and that you didn’t tell them to stop, the guests are probably NOT jerks.
It’s not their fault they didn’t know you didn’t like what they were doing. On the contrary, you made an effort to build those muscles; they were praising you for the results of your hard work, and the fact that you worked hard on developing muscles suggests that they’re something you’re proud of.
5. If by “commenting over” you, you meant that they were talking about you to third parties such as your parents, then the guests WERE jerks after all. That is treating you as if you weren’t a person. Praise of a person should be addressed to that person, and generally not to third parties in that person’s presence.
NTJ.” philautos
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re allowed to have boundaries for your own body. Your parents are messed up and they’re gaslighting you. The fact that they are older than you doesn’t mean they are right. Your feelings here are completely valid; no one should touch you without your permission.
I think most people would feel uncomfortable and objectified if they were in your shoes. I’m really sorry this happened, and even sorrier that your parents aren’t supporting you the way they should be.” eefr
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
No one has the right to touch your body without your permission. There may be some cultural differences that suggested that it was OK, but in reality, it was not. You were absolutely correct in using the word “violated”.
That is what it feels like when someone touches your body and does so against your wishes. The fact that they called it beautiful or whatever has no bearing. People were touching you without your permission and you felt violated. It is really unfortunate that your parents could not understand, despite your many attempts to explain.
You were not in the wrong, the people that touched you were, even if your parents do not think so. If happens again, leave immediately.” Late_Confidence8101
15. AITJ For Being Hurt After Being Excluded From My Partner's Birthday Plans?
“So my (22M) partner’s (25F) birthday is in 2 days. We both are very busy with our careers and see each other 2-3 times in a two-week span. We’ve been together for 3 years as of last week. I made plans for her birthday, bought gifts, made the dinner reservations she asked for.
Everything was set to go. She told me two days ago that her friend is flying down from California to see her, and it was going to be a surprise.
My partner lives with her parents. Her mom is sick and she takes care of her.
We had agreed I’d spend the night with her on her birthday, as she wanted to sleepover with me but be close to her mom. Now that her friend is coming she has told me there will be no room for me.
I live about 3 hours away, so we usually have sleepovers since it’s 6 hours of driving. Due to there being no room, I am now uninvited from seeing her for her entire birthday.
I want to be clear, I’m not angry at her.
She didn’t know her friend was surprising her. I’m extremely hurt because I planned everything and now I’m completely excluded. She is upset and calling me selfish for being hurt. Saying that she hasn’t seen her friend in a year.
I feel like all my efforts are wasted. I want her to have a great birthday. But her friend is there for an entire week. Meaning I can’t see her during all of that time, including her bday.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and IMO, she’s resorting to calling you out to cover up the fact that she knows she pulled a jerk move, and instead of apologizing, she’s trying to make you feel like you did something wrong.
She could have told her friend that you’d already made plans and that she would see her after your date. But to exclude you from the plans you made is just rude! Maybe she can be with her friend, freeing you up to find someone with a modicum of consideration.” Ok_Conversation9750
Another User Comments:
“There is no way that it is ok for you to make arrangements for you and your partner as she requested, and then not be allowed to attend. That’s ridiculous. She should tell her friend she had already made arrangements for the night you were staying, the friend could stay in a hotel for the night, and then they could have a nice time for the rest of the week when you are back home.
And, it’s also outrageous that she’s blaming you for being upset. Of course you are upset that your effort is being usurped. NTJ.” Famous_Specialist_44
Another User Comments:
“Putting aside it’s really hurtful to think she doesn’t want to spend her birthday with you, I get she hasn’t seen her friend for a year and is really excited to spend this time together which means you can stay over.
Inconvenient/annoying but understandable. Where the question really is if you live 3 hours/6 hours return trip away from each other, how or when are you planning to be closer because in the long term that’s not sustainable and maybe that is why she is prioritizing her friend, her relationship with you is part-time.
I did 6 months, it’s tough and the real nitty gritty of being together didn’t start until we lived in the same place.” Ill-Valuable4058
14. AITJ For Planning A Solo Cruise Trip Despite My Partner's Disapproval?
“I live in the UK and I have always wanted to go on a cruise but have never actually been on one. The idea of just being at sea and visiting a few places on holiday just really appeals to me.
My partner on the other hand has said she would never go on one. She said she doesn’t like the thought of being on a ship for days.
I have exams through my job that I will finish next year and then get a promotion at work.
I decided to treat myself to a cruise so I was looking at the options available for next year. I mentioned it to my partner and she asked what about our summer holiday.
I said I would be planning the cruise in the spring/summer so we could plan out a holiday for the summer/early autumn or I would be happy for it to be the other way around.
She asked if we’d be going away once or twice next year and I said it would just likely be once for 3-4 nights as I would not be able to afford 3 holidays abroad.
She said that I am prioritizing myself and not us by planning the cruise since it takes away from the time we’d have to go on holiday together and it cuts our holiday short as we wouldn’t get a full week.
I mentioned that she is more than welcome to join me but she refused.
She said I shouldn’t be going away on my own and just telling her we’d be going away less. I mentioned that she is free to go away on her own or with friends if she wants another holiday but there is nothing wrong with me treating myself.
She just said I was selfish and that I’m not thinking of her. AITJ for planning to go on a cruise on my own?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner is projecting when she said you are selfish and not thinking of her.
The reality is SHE is being selfish and not thinking of you. You did think of her and invite her to come, which she declined. Then she selfishly wants you to only spend money on vacations she accompanies you on.
This essentially means, if things go her way, you could only go to places she likes and accompanies you to, giving no thought to places you want to go but would miss out on because she isn’t interested.” Gladtobealive2020
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I understand your partner’s thinking but what she’s seeming to miss is that her disinterest in a cruise should not mean you never get to experience one, and that’s what would happen if you preserved all your holiday time for her.
Perhaps you can explain it to her that way – that based on what she wants, you’ll just never go on a cruise, and that’s not fair to you since it’s something you’ve wanted to experience and that she refuses to participate in.
Furthermore, she has an option if she wants to go on two holidays with you this year – it would be to join you on the cruise.” owls_and_cardinals
Another User Comments:
“I’m leaning to ESH. I think it’s totally fine to go on your cruise – I don’t like cruises and would be fine with my husband going on one solo (or with mates) if he really wanted. I can get pretty bad cabin fever so a cruise can be torture even with regular stops, so I don’t really agree with people necessarily saying she has the option to go.
To me, a cruise is about as attractive as a week at a sewage treatment facility. If she’s the same it’s not much of an offer. However, you are cutting into your joint holiday significantly by the sounds of it, from a longer-standing agreement.
Which I can understand being really disappointing for her. Going from a week’s holiday to potentially just a long weekend sucks. She sucks for saying you shouldn’t go unless she just means this year if you can’t afford it really.
Honestly, I’d see if you can wrangle your budget to be able to afford both or work out some agreement so you can go on a cruise and not bugger up the joint holiday. If she won’t work with you to have a cruise in your future then I’d reconsider if you’re compatible people.” quenishi
13. AITJ For Not Gifting Anything To My Stepmother Due To Our Strained Relationship?
“My (18yo, I live by myself) stepmother and I have never been close, we have always had arguments and fights to the point I do not see the point in trying to be close with her anymore. Right after Christmas when I got my father a gift and not my stepmother, apparently, my stepmother started crying her eyes out claiming it wasn’t fair of me to show such “favoritism” and that I should be grateful for the 3 years she’s been in my life for.
My father called me, told me about the situation, and said to make things easier on him, I had to give my father and her a gift next time because it wasn’t fair on her.
Personally, I am struggling financially and I’d rather not waste money on someone I don’t care about.
I told my father this and he told me that I was being disrespectful to her.
I don’t agree with this, and I do feel like I’m being fair and reasonable, however, I do feel like I’m starting to think I’m being the jerk here, am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But your father has now made his wishes clear, so consider it a gift to him. Either A) buy him a smaller gift so stepmom can also receive a gift. B) buy them a gift together, like theatre tickets, a meal out, etc. As much as you want to gift only your father, causing strife in his relationship is not a gift to him.
I know she doesn’t deserve it, but this is about the impact on him.” Neat-Ostrich7135
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you can decide who deserves a gift from you, but you also have to consider what brings you more peace as well.
If it’s easier not to buy any gifts for your dad and her, then do that. If it’s easier for you to get her a cheap gift (dollar store cheap) so she’ll shut up, then do that.
Whatever makes your life less drama, do that. In my opinion, I’d tell the ol’ water bag she didn’t get you a gift and you were mature about it, so not sure why she can act mature since she’s way older instead of stooping so low she has to be drama with fake tears about a gift when she never got you anything.” Sea-Tea-4130
Another User Comments:
“This is a tricky one. I have been in the exact same situation as the stepmother. I was very close to my three step-children but, in general, they chose not to give me gifts and I will say that it was somewhat hurtful.
I was with them through many years of adulthood and, unlike you, they had ample funds. In general, they were pretty self-involved so it really wasn’t surprising to me, but that did not mean that at times I didn’t wish that they would occasionally think of me.
If you wish to accommodate your father by giving her a gift, I would suggest that you ask your father for the funds for a modest gift since he made the request. That removes the monetary issue, but then it is left to you to decide if it is important to you to grant your father’s wish.
If it is too compromising to your feelings, then perhaps you should decline. You are the only one that can make that judgment.” Late_Confidence8101
12. AITJ For Exposing My Abusive Brother To His Partner?
“To the outside world, my (30F) brother (26M) is the perfect man—attractive, a hard-working nurse, respectful, and caring. Everyone LOVES him. However, at home, he’s a terror, everyone lives around him. He does whatever he wants, it’s easier than standing up to him.
We live with our parents and 2 siblings. Since he’s gotten a partner, he’s never home, only coming here to shower and eat. When he IS here, he treats us like scum compared to him and his partner’s family.
1. He broke one of my mugs, part of a set I’ve had for years and can’t replace.
When I told him I was upset, he told me to “shut up” and walked away.
2. My mom told him not to park in my dad’s spot. He told her to “shut up, don’t talk to me,” and walked away.
It’s a known rule, everyone else respects it.
06/11: Last week I texted his partner, asking if she wanted to get a pedicure. I like her and I’m close with my other SIL too. She agreed. The night before, I confirmed the time at 3.
My brother called, wanting to change it for a last-minute kayak trip. I asked why he planned that knowing our plans and that I was upset because he doesn’t respect me or my time. He repeatedly called me a clown, pathetic, and a joke, gaslighting and insulting me because I “overreacted”.
He demanded I apologize, saying he’d finally respect me if I did. I refused and blocked his calls and texts. His partner still wanted to go, and I agreed.
06/12: The next day, he caused $1,700 in damages to my parents’ brand-new 2024 car.
He offered to pay 50% my mom insisted he pay all. He said he’d pay 75% max, she said to pay it all or move out. He LITERALLY laughed in their faces and said “you can’t make me leave.” He actually counted on his fingers what they are and aren’t going to do.
“First of all, you’re not going to threaten me. Second of all…etc.” Finished it with, “Sue me for the money” and left for his partner’s house.
He planted some flowers a few months ago and they’re finally blooming.
06/13: My 16 yo brother and I were fixing part of the house when I accidentally broke a flower stem. He called us idiots because we can’t be careful. Actually started taking a video calling me an idiot. Inside, he berated our little brother.
I told him to leave him alone it was my fault. He said, “shut up.” I started recording and asked him to repeat it for the camera, he did. I told him I was going to send it, he said “I don’t care, do it.” So I did.
This led to a full-blown fight. He verbally abused our mom and dad, refusing to pay for the car. She kept telling him to get out of her room and he just kept screaming at her. He declared he was done with us and was cutting us off for good.
On one hand, I feel like the jerk because he cried, saying I tried ruining the one good relationship in his life. Can’t believe his sister would do that. On the other hand, he’s only upset because he got exposed for how he treats us.
His “only good relationship” is built on a lie. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you’re doing the lord’s work. She deserves to know who he is. That said, you can’t make her do anything (like leave) so give her a heads-up and then let her make her own decisions.
Prepare yourself for a response from her that you might not like. All you can do is show her the light. I hope your brother gets the help he so badly needs and that your family can find a way to get away from him and his abuse until that time comes.
Because I guarantee you this will not be resolved without removing him from the home. If your parents won’t do that, then it’s time for you to move out.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My brother is like yours.
He drove our other brother out of the house because he literally treated him like he was a dog. His partner is absolutely lovely and is absolutely devastated because none of our siblings and cousins will give her the time of day.
Purely because spending time with her means spending time with him. She’s seen us interact with other partners, she knows it isn’t us, but she cannot see that my brother only acts like a decent human being when she’s around.
We’ve told her that she’s horrible. We’ve told her she’s too good for him. She won’t listen. That’s her problem. You did your best. Let her learn the hard way.” Natural_Garbage7674
Another User Comments:
“The one good relationship in his life?
How about he start at home and repair the relationships he clearly has been actively taking advantage of, manipulating, and destroying for clearly quite some time. The only reason why the relationship was good was because he hadn’t started being a jerk to her yet.
There is a crime doc that has criminals who behave just like your brother is doing in the beginning before things get really bad. I’m not saying anything will go that far, but there are always red flags.” ItsMyRecurringDream
11. AITJ For Not Including My Husband's Third Best Friend In Surprise Party Planning?
“My husband is turning 40 this year. I decided to throw him a surprise party and included four of his friends in the planning. They include his two childhood best friends who will help with the distraction and two other good childhood friends who will help me with set up when my husband is distracted. When I got the idea, I immediately asked his two best friends and they loved the idea.
I asked about including my husband’s third best friend and they said no because he’s not responsible and can’t keep a secret. We also decided not to include my SIL for the same reason.
On Monday, my husband, the third best friend, and I were at our kids’ soccer practice when the best friend asks my husband what he’s doing for his 40th.
I immediately texted the group chain we have for party planning, asking someone to nip it in the bud to save the surprise. One of the best friends texted and when my husband was with our kid, I asked the third best friend if he got the text and he said yes.
I said I told him I only asked a couple of people to help to save the surprise and the friend basically said he was hurt I didn’t ask him and said I was rude to do that.
So am I the jerk for not including the 3rd best friend?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – He’s invited to attend and does not recognize a surprise party takes effort to plan and people are unintentionally or intentionally not included in the secret prep steps.
This does not diminish his relationship with your husband and family.” DesertSong-LaLa
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As you said in a comment, he’s invited. With a surprise party, it’s best to only let people know as far in advance as necessary (to help prep or make travel arrangements).
The rest you know as late as possible, especially someone who can’t keep secrets.” solidly_garbage
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If this friend is unable to keep secrets, then inevitably you run the risk of the element of surprise being ruined. I can’t even give the no jerks here verdict because this friend’s behaviors over the years have led to this situation – if they had respected people’s secrets and proved to be a reliable confidant, then they would be included in these sorts of things without hesitation.
If you do want to lessen the burn and sweeten the friend up a bit after his feelings of hurt, it might be a nice thing to do to assign him some token role within the planning, such as bringing the cake out at the party when it’s time to sing happy birthday.” majesticjewnicorn
10. AITJ For Wanting To End My Carpool Due To My Annoying Co-Worker?
“I live 48 miles from work, takes me about 90 minutes each way.
I used to take public transit but after getting my catalytic converters stolen twice in a year now I just drive.
I’ve recently started carpooling with a coworker who lives very close to me. The logistics of the carpool have been great.
Neither of us is ever late, we alternate days driving and all has been well.
BUUUUT I hate it. They listen to terrible music, they spend the drive ranting about how they are god’s gift to the company and how they saved the day every day.
They are going on vacation soon and I’m thinking of just not resuming the carpool with them. I don’t think I valued how much I like that alone time.
I feel like I’d be the jerk because there is no good reason to not carpool, I’d be negatively impacting their finances and adding to more traffic as emissions all because I find them annoying.”
Another User Comments:
“INFO: Have you expressed your frustration with their behavior on this car sharing? You could try hinting saying “Let’s talk about something else. What are you doing for the holidays?” or “Can we change the topic?
I don’t like discussing work on our drives to and from work, lol.” or “What other music do you like? Maybe we can find something we both enjoy or maybe a podcast for a change?” I don’t see why you’d choose to drive 3 hours a day by yourself when you can alternate with someone and at least half of the time you otherwise would be driving, relax.
I’d try to make this work if you feel you could benefit from this (not just relaxing half the time, but also sharing the petrol, wear to the car, etc).” wandering_salad
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I used to have a long commute as well, I hated it.
But driving without others in the car was relaxing(?). It was where I could just think and process the day. You can be nice and let them know you won’t be continuing the carpool after their vacation. You can say you have things to do after work and need your car or that you miss the alone time.
I’d leave out they’re annoying, you still have to work with them.” Exciting-Peanut-1526
Another User Comments:
“Before quitting the carpool why not raise the issue that it’s not really working because you miss the mental downtime, and float the idea of trying an “alone together” style carpool where you don’t talk but just each listen to your own music/podcasts/etc. like you were on a public bus?
If that doesn’t work obviously just call it off and NTJ. But saving your car and yourself 6+ hours of driving a week seems valuable enough to at least try to see if there’s an option between the current scenario or nothing.” Jaded-Chip343
9. AITJ For Expecting My Husband To Understand My Illness During Our Vacation?
“My husband (38M) and I (33F) are celebrating our ten-year anniversary in Italy. Traveling is our thing and we try to take at least one overseas trip a year. The only issue is that my immune system is weak and something usually comes up on these trips.
Once it was seasonal allergies that got really bad. Once it was an extremely painful UTI. Nothing that a quick pharmacy trip can’t fix, but it still happens almost every time. I eat extremely healthy, stay active, and do everything I can to keep my body at its peak.
I also pack a little first aid kit of things I might need on the trip so that I can fix anything quickly.
This trip I’m the sickest I’ve been in YEARS. Before the flight was even done I was vomiting everything up including water.
That stopped but I was still nauseous. I took tablets to help with the nausea and it helped a little but I still felt too sick to eat. After a few days, the nausea went away but was swapped out for a chest cough.
I took DayQuil and that mostly helped. Now that the cough has faded the nausea is coming back (no vomiting though).
In the past, my husband has told me that my inability to stay healthy ruins trips for him.
He expresses how inconvenient it is when I get sick at home but he gets extra upset when it’s during a trip. I’ve developed contamination OCD as a result of his constant judgment of my immune system. When traveling, I always encourage him to go out and enjoy the city and do planned events even if I can’t but he tells me it’s not fun on his own.
This would be sweet if he wasn’t so vocal about how I’m ruining vacations for him.
Italy is his dream trip. I tried to keep up so he could have fun. I tried soooo hard. I tried not to talk about how sick I felt because he would get all quiet and distant if I did.
I tried to make sure we went to all the museums and restaurants he had planned even if I couldn’t eat anything. But today I finally told him I needed to sit in the hotel room and rest.
As expected, he got quiet and distant.
He assured me that he’s not mad at me for being sick, but he’s still sad that he can’t enjoy his vacation because he’s too worried about my well-being. I asked if he could please order us room service since he didn’t want to go out to the city for his meal and he said he can’t, he has social anxiety.
He has literally never said this in the 12 years we’ve known each other. He moped silently on his phone while I ordered us food.
I told him that it’s a pain that he gets all distant and visibly upset when I’m sick and when I finally ask for help he tells me no. I feel like I have to put my own health on hold to take care of his emotions first. He told me I was mean for saying I didn’t want to take care of his emotions and he’s allowed to be sad.
AITJ for feeling like at the very least I shouldn’t have to make him feel better about me being sick?”
Another User Comments:
“”In the past my husband has told me that my inability to stay healthy ruins trips for him.”
“Okay, then we shouldn’t take trips together. Because it’s literally not something I can control and it’s not fair that you blame me for your disappointment. It’s fine to be sad, but it’s not fine for you to expect me to comfort you about how ‘inconvenient’ my illness is to you.” NTJ.
Let’s look at it objectively: When you get sick, you have to miss out on all of the outings you would prefer to do, but your husband has a choice about whether or not to do them. Therefore, even if the illnesses weren’t outside of your control and even if they didn’t cause you direct discomfort, being sick is still ruining your trip more than it is ruining his trip.
Frankly, it’s disturbing that he has apparently had this pattern for years of blaming you for something that is literally outside of your control (while actively doing everything possible that is within your control to prevent it)…so disturbing, that I have to question whether this is part of a larger pattern that continues when you are home.
E.g. if a rainstorm cancels a picnic or snowy roads make the drive to work unpleasant, do you have to soothe him?” DinaFelice
Another User Comments:
“I don’t know whether YTJ or NTJ but traveling is absolutely not your thing if you get sick on every trip and your husband has social anxiety which means both of you can’t go out easily and is the literal opposite of what you are claiming.
This cracked me up so thanks for the laugh. Best way to stop these arguments is to stop traveling and make sure staying healthy and fit for at least one big trip is your thing and trying therapy for social anxiety is his thing.” LazyNoob4691
Another User Comments:
“Kind of on the fence between NTJ and ESH! You’re clearly not able to travel together with the same expectations for what that experience will be. Whatever you’ve been doing, it’s not working.
Him: he shouldn’t expect you to manage his emotions about your illness.
Nor should he expect you to do activities that are outside of your capabilities – whether physical or mental. His pouting and behavior is unacceptable. He should be willing and able to plan some things to do independently from you to allow you to have time for rest.
You: need to set more reasonable limits on what you can and can’t do. If a vacation is too much, don’t go. A dream vacation for him sounds like a nightmare for you. Why don’t you get a say in what is planned and what activities you’re capable of doing?
When a vacation causes you so much anxiety then it can’t be fun for you. You may be better suited for a “chill” vacation (beach, lake house, cabin in the woods) rather than heavy touristy stuff. (I’m doubtful about your claim of OCD – what you describe is anxiety, not OCD.) Also, I think it’s on YOU to manage your illness and limitations.
If travel causes so many problems, maybe see a physician, therapist, or psychiatrist to understand what’s going on. Until then, rethink your entire approach. And I’ve landed on ESH.” frandiam
8. AITJ For Following My 14-Year-Old On Their First Bus Ride Alone?
“I’m a dad to a 14-year-old called J.
Today was the first time J would get a bus for 1 hour on their own (on an unfamiliar route) from a packed tourist-heavy city center to our house.
J forgot their phone this morning when I dropped them off, so I had no way to contact them, or for them to contact me.
I was supposed to be working (hence the bus), but I confess, I was worried, thinking about what could go wrong. J is a wonderful kid, but not at all street savvy, and with mild anxiety – I was worried that they wouldn’t have a safety net if something did go wrong, and with it being their very first time, I was apprehensive.
Knowing what time their appointment ended, I asked to have the afternoon off work and got the bus into town. I waited to watch for J, and make sure everything went OK. It did – they got to the stop safely through a huge crowd, had their bus pass with them, stopped the correct bus, and as they were about to board, they noticed me in line behind them.
(I wasn’t planning on showing myself until they were getting off the bus, so they’d do the whole journey as if I wasn’t there.)
After they noticed me, they were a bit upset. They asked, “do you not trust me?!” I tried to explain that I definitely do trust them!
Just with this being their first time, I wanted to be there in case anything went wrong. After 10 minutes or so, I was forgiven, and it was all fine.
I told my buddy (who does not have kids) what I’d done (he asked about my day), and he said “I bet they immediately realised that you don’t trust them.”
My mum asked how J’s appointment went, so I told her as well. She said “couldn’t you have lied about why you were there, to spare J’s feelings?”
I don’t think I did anything wrong, but my buddy and my mum seem to think that J has a reason to be cross with me.
From my perspective, it’s not about “trust” at all – J is a fantastic kid, and a human being in their own right. For me, this was akin to training wheels on a bike – I was there JUST IN CASE I was needed. I wasn’t needed, great!
J and I will both be more confident if they have to make this journey again!
But did I do anything wrong? Was this bad parenting?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. And you don’t even seem to realize just how much of a jerk you are.
“J is a wonderful kid, but not at all street savvy.” And whose fault is that? If you refuse to even let your kid ride a bus, what else have you done to stunt their growth? “And with mild anxiety,” oh gee, I wonder why?
Maybe because J has a helicopter parent who thinks riding the bus is cause for alarm. Maybe your kid’s anxiety has something to do with the fact that your actions send the message “You’re not safe! You are NEVER safe!
You are in danger at all times and that’s why you need ME to supervise you!!” Be real: does J have anxiety, or do you? Because you wound yourself up in hysterics about how “I NEEDED to be there in case SOMETHING happened!” What exactly is the “something” you were freaking out about?
Because that is anxiety if I’ve ever seen it.” Secret_Reject
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, this is weird. You could have either trusted them to figure out what to do if they were in a situation where they needed help, or went over options for what to do (talk to the bus driver or another adult around, etc) or just rearranged schedules so that you could have gone with them.
Or reminded them to take their phone. OR just walked up to them and explained why you were there instead of waiting for them to notice you. You had a lot of options at your disposal and none of them had to be waiting for them to notice you and having to doubt their father’s trust in them.
I get why you were apprehensive but you went about it in a strange way.” freerange_chicken
Another User Comments:
“To be kind, no jerks here. What we have here is a 14yo who apparently can take care of themself just fine.
I mean, come on, they’re 14. I live in a very, very big city. In middle school, my kid took the bus home herself. And at 14 was taking the subway to and from school. What we also have here is a helicopter parent who apparently failed to give increasingly more independence to their kid and now is freaking out.
It’s embarrassing to a 14yo to have their dad do what you did. At that age, they could be babysitting other kids. I hope you’ve taught your kid appropriate skills to manage in your big city because if you haven’t, I suggest a crash course immediately.
Remember parents: you’re raising an adult. You get about 18 years to take the blob they hand you on Day 1 and turn it into a functioning adult. Don’t wait until they’re middle teens to teach them some independence. You do them no favors by protecting them from the big, bad world until they’re teenagers.” Longjumping-Lab-1916
7. AITJ For Refusing To Open A New Credit Card For My Wife's Washer And Dryer Purchase?
“So my wife and I are going to be first-time home buyers. For some context, I am working full-time as a registered nurse and my wife is working part-time at Amazon and is also a nursing student. I am the “breadwinner” in my marriage and I already pay 90% of the bills we have, which I don’t mind doing.
Now that we are in the midst of buying a house, we know the bills will be even more expensive which my wife and I both agreed to who will be buying what. I am already paying for the majority of everything for the new home which she agreed to only buying the washer and dryer.
Another piece of info is my wife doesn’t have good credit at all (< 600 credit score) and is already using my name and credit for the car she has. She agreed to use her school loan to buy the washer and dryer (which is about $1,500-$2,000) which she’d have to pay once she graduates in 2 years, but said that she should have enough money saved for it once we close on the house in August. I’ve been working overtime these past 4-5 months to save money for what I agreed to pay and buy for the new house.
Now we are getting closer to closing the house and my wife hasn’t saved a single penny and wants me to open another credit card to buy the washer and dryer which she says she’ll pay the monthly payment.
The thing is she barely has enough money to pay for her car payments and car insurance. What more with another form of payment she agreed to be responsible for? I already know that I’ll be the one who’ll have to pay for it in the end, so I told her that I will not open another credit card and we need to honor what we agreed upon, but now she making a big deal about it that I don’t want to open a new credit card for her.”
Another User Comments:
“She’s not great with money, that’s her problem. You are essentially supporting her financially through nursing school, which is very kind of you in such a challenging job market to help her get into a good career.
However, you don’t need to be potentially sacrificing your financial stability and credit score for her considering you’re in the process of getting a house for the both of you. I think it’s a perfectly reasonable boundary to not open a credit card for her to use.
Laundromats can do the trick if need be. At the very least, it’s not a good time for her to ask this of you. NTJ.” Hefty-Mushroom3105
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Definitely don’t open the credit card. You should never do anything that will modify your credit during the closing process.
It can mess with buying the house. If your credit and income are what’s keeping you guys afloat then you guys need a way to talk about money now that will also work as your circumstances change throughout your relationship.
Make an airtight budget and payment schedule. Walk through it with her. So there are no surprises or missing line items. Come to an agreement for her contribution either a set dollar bi-monthly amount or percentage of pay based on the overhead and debt repayment plan.
Then set up a separate household bank account strictly for paying bills and debt (especially the ones in your name like that car). She shouldn’t be able to access to withdraw from the account that pays the household bills.
Make it a deal-breaker. Her school expenses and personal expenses that she pays should come out of her personal account. How she chooses to handle that account is her business. But the deposit into the house account should be automatic- either set up directly off her paycheck with payroll or a scheduled reoccurring transfer 1 day after every payday.
Make it a deal-breaker. That way if she doesn’t get a handle on being more financially responsible about debt management as her jobs and pay improve, it doesn’t tank everything now or in the future for the household. And you guys have established a way to talk about money now that hopefully avoids future flame wars.” BookBlerd
Another User Comments:
“DO NOT OPEN ANY NEW LINES OF CREDIT DURING THE HOME-BUYING PROCESS!!!!!! I worked in mortgages both as a loan processor and underwriting and this could very well change if you qualify for the loan or not.
I can’t tell you the number of people who started racking up cards or getting new cards for the new home before the loan was closed and lost the home because of it.” Primary-Pea-8524
6. AITJ For Wanting My Husband To Use His PTO For My Naturalization Ceremony?
“My husband (M41) only gets ten PTO days a year, and he goes through them pretty quickly because his job requires he be outside doing physical labor, so he tries to save them for when he’s feeling burnt out.
I (F32) am becoming a citizen (naturalizing) next week, after being undocumented for 20 years and having a green card for 12 years. It’s not like a huge event, but it is technically a formal ceremony. It was scheduled for a weekday morning, so my husband would need to take the day off to join me.
I’ve had it on our calendar for weeks, and I keep mentioning it to him, in the hopes he gets the hint. We share a car, and I usually drop him off in the morning, since I work from home, but the appointment is scheduled for earlier than his start time, so I wouldn’t be able to take him to work, which I mentioned to him yesterday.
Today, he let me know that he secured a ride for that day so that I don’t have to worry about the car situation. So, clearly, he is not planning on attending, and I want to ask him to use a day, but he only has three left for this year.
WIBTJ for pushing it, when it isn’t really about him (he is not the reason I was able to naturalize), and when I know it will require him using a PTO day?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Knowing his limited PTO days aside, your poor communication is the reason this is even a post in the first place.
All you had to do was ask. Literally that. Instead of typing a whole paragraph here and asking strangers what your husband would think if you had asked, why didn’t you just use like 6 words to ask him directly.
It’s also unfair to expect him to be there on a weekday when he has work, work which you yourself describe as physical labor outside. So his rest days are very valuable to him. To be clear, you’re not the jerk for wanting him there.
Any partner would want the same thing. And your husband clearly cares since he took it upon himself to secure a ride for that day so you can have the car. But you never asked. All this “I hoped he would get the hint” nonsense has to stop.
Seriously it grinds my gears the amount of people here who think hinting is effective communication. Either you cared about his PTO situation and didn’t want to burden him by asking and left it at that, or you did ask him outright or tell him you wanted him there.
But you did neither and instead came up with this wishy-washy crap that does nothing for no one. Now instead of asking him early enough for him to plan his time and schedule, you want to spring this on him last minute.
Having it on the calendar for weeks hoping he would get the hint doesn’t count I’m afraid.” fotw8
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. This isn’t the type of thing you hint about. You should have told him you’d like him to attend.
Weeks ago when he had the opportunity to request the time off. However, with getting so little PTO and only having 3 days left for the next 7 months it’s not reasonable to ask him to take time off for this.
I’d be too concerned about injury or illness with him working outside.” ApprehensiveBook4214
Another User Comments:
“I’m going with no jerks here. As someone who became a naturalized US citizen some years ago now, and did it by myself, I know how super important it is, and also it’s a boring formal courthouse thing quickly over.
I was happy my job gave me a paid day to go and was happy for me. How about taking a PTO day for you two to go do something super fun you both enjoy to celebrate instead? He doesn’t spend the day having to be in a courtroom (it can take a while depending on how many others are there), you both get a day together to be happy instead?
(I totally get how important this is for you – but let him recognize that without forcing him to be there – also at least when I did it there was a photographer to take pics when shaking hands with the judge and getting my official paper, got that for free – otherwise pics weren’t allowed in the room).” OkControl9503
5. AITJ For Telling My Brother To Stop Blaming Me For His Failures?
“So I (25m) have an older brother (29m) and we have never been close. He claims I have the life he was going to have and that I stole it from him.
I don’t really get it as my parents don’t have a favorite and have always treated us the same, the only difference between us is that he was out partying and drinking during the time he was at Uni.
I on the other hand focused more on my studies and on occasions went out to parties and such.
My brother failed most of his classes and eventually dropped out. I on the other hand finished and landed a decent degree and have started at my job recently.
This for some reason has made my brother absolutely despise me and tell me I stole his life.
At our recent family gathering my brother and his partner were there and my brother had too much to drink and started with his nonsense again, my parents told him to cut it off but he continued. Apparently, he had talked about this nonstop with his partner and she had enough and broke up with him on the spot.
Somehow that’s my fault for making him look bad and telling me that he wished I was never born.
This is where I might be the jerk. I told my brother that this is why his partner broke up with him because he is insufferable and to stop blaming me for his failures.
He left cursing me out while crying. My parents said that he had it coming but some of my extended family said I was too harsh on him.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s been bashing you to your face for how long?
You finally had enough and snapped back at him. It may not have been the kindest retort you could’ve made, but then he wasn’t exactly being kind to you either. Maybe since you finally hit back that’ll be the end of it.
Bullies usually back off when their victims stand up and retaliate.” Global_Look2821
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your brother needs to grow up and stop pinning all his mishaps on you. When you react accordingly to seeing him talk to his partner like that and you tell him what is pretty much the truth, you are 100% in the right to talk back.
Your brother sounds like he needs some sort of wakeup call, that kind of behavior of never being able to acknowledge you might be the issue will only end up damaging those around him.” OrangePressed
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I have a younger brother who graduated uni before me and is very successful in his graduate job, I became ill and have still not been able to get my degree.
Yes sometimes I get bummed about it but more than that I am overwhelmingly proud of him. Look at my baby brother go! He’s gotten raises and promotions he’s got all these friends and he is living a wonderful independent life.
While I can look at his life and see things I want, I also see so much of his hard work and achievements that bring a smile to my face. Your brother seems to have taken his failure to succeed and blamed you for it.
That is not what older siblings are supposed to do. I imagine this was the straw that broke the camel’s back I’d have thought that your brother is resentful and insufferable in many areas of his life and she had enough of it.
So while the breakup was not completely based on this transaction, you did kick him while he was down. I’m not sure what you were supposed to do never stand up for yourself? Take his abuse? I think he had what was coming to him.” waltzingtothezoo
4. AITJ For Wanting To Return My Husband's Grandmother's Engagement Ring?
“My now-husband proposed to me with his grandmother’s engagement ring at the end of 2015. We were young and hadn’t really ever talked about engagement rings, but nevertheless, I loved the ring and felt honored by the sentiment that came along with it.
At the time, I had a good relationship with my husband’s grandmother and that maternal side of the family, and everyone was happy.
Despite loving the ring and wearing it without question, I always had a strong underlying feeling that the ring never truly felt like it was “mine”.
It was always referred to by everyone as “grandma’s engagement ring” even after it was given to me, and so I felt a significant responsibility to do right by the ring and by the family – it never felt easy to wear, and it never felt like it belonged on my hand, but I continued to push on with wearing it, hoping that one day it would feel like I was truly the owner.
Flash forward to late 2019, and we got married and had a beautiful wedding. There were some dramas that caused tension about who we were/weren’t invited to our wedding (aren’t there always?), and in particular, my mother-in-law and her mother (the original owner of the engagement ring) weren’t overly pleased with us but were both in attendance.
Flash forward again to May 2023, and my husband had a big falling out with his mother over other long-term but unrelated family issues, her manipulative and emotionally abusive behavior, and her poor treatment of my husband. They have not spoken since, nor has any of that side of the family made any contact with us whatsoever, including his grandmother.
I have now found myself in a difficult position, wearing an engagement ring inherited from a family member who no longer engages in a relationship with us. The entire maternal side of the family has essentially iced us out, and I have very strong feelings of unhappiness and anger at the way they’ve treated my husband, and us as a couple.
It reached boiling point at the beginning of this year, due to several nasty things said/done to my husband by family members, one of which being his grandmother. I decided that for my own mental health, I needed a break from wearing the ring and looking at it every day.
It is now kept in a safe location away from our house, and I feel such a weight off my shoulders not having it with me every day. I’m now at the point where I can’t see myself wearing it again – the feelings I get from that ring are anything but happy unfortunately, which is not what I had dreamed of for myself re: my engagement ring, and my husband feels the same.
He is supportive of me not wearing it and wants to prioritize my happiness over all else.
WIBTJ if I returned this ring to the family in the hopes that someone else may inherit it and love it? Hubby’s grandma is still with us, so she could rethink who she might like to pass it on to.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Very understandable that you want to return the ring. It is not a symbol for you of the love between you and your husband. Be warned that as far as his family is concerned, you cannot win here.
It’s possible they hold it against you that you have the ring. And if you return it, they’ll probably complain that you weren’t grateful and that you gave it back in spite. They will figure out how to be upset with you and your DH no matter what you do.
Return it for your own peace of mind and let go of having any control over how they respond. Fortunately, if you aren’t talking with them you won’t have to hear it anyhow!” HowlPen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for wanting to return it as you seem to want to return it for their benefit. But, be wary that returning the ring may cause more problems that could lead to escalation. If you’re not actively communicating, then returning the ring will be your communication—consider the message that would be received by that gesture and if it’s the message that you want to send.
If you truly want to avoid being the jerk, consider other ways to personally part with the ring that won’t escalate tensions—give it to a neutral family member for safekeeping; wait until tensions lower; use a significant anniversary as an excuse to renew your rings and “pass on” the heirloom.
You’d only be the jerk here if you know it would be received as an insult, know that would escalate drama for all involved, and do it anyway to stir the pot.” onhte_
Another User Comments:
“Don’t feel bad about them for anything.
They clearly don’t care about your feelings so you don’t need to care about theirs. Honestly, in your position, I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of returning it. Why reward them with what they want? If they are petty enough to demand it back you are under zero obligation to do so.
Since it was a gift willingly given, a judge would agree (if the inlaws are stupid enough to take it that far). Put it away in the jewelry box and get something to wear that feels more “you.” If you don’t want to sell it (I do think you should consider the option) just keep it put away for a future daughter/goddaughter/niece/child of a close friend, etc. If anyone asks why you aren’t wearing it and you don’t want to get into the details, just say as much as you love it, it is so fancy you are afraid it will get wrecked if you wear it daily, so you’re saving it for dressy special occasions.
And then when said occasionally happens, you can conveniently “forget” to switch your rings out.” Competitive-Metal773
3. AITJ For Defending My Husband And Son Against My Friend's Insults?
“I (35F) met my husband Vince (36M) after he rescued me from drowning at a pool party when I was 18. I took him out for lunch the following week to thank him for saving me, and we soon fell in love and began seeing each other.
At the time, Vince worked a blue-collar job while I was studying at university. We ended up getting married and Vince supported me throughout my entire education up until I got my PhD.
Vince always told me that he wanted to study at university but had learning disabilities that made it difficult for him to study in a classroom.
At times he was embarrassed by the fact that he had to work twice as hard compared to people around him, but I always found that to be admirable about him.
When I finished my studies and got a well-paying job I convinced Vince to give his dream of studying another go.
Last year he was finally accepted into a nursing program at our local university. He is working hard to achieve his dream and I’m incredibly proud of him.
Last week my friend Alba (36F) came to visit with her son so our children could play together.
Alba was my roommate during my first year in university, she began seeing her husband Leo around the same time I started seeing Vince.
Leo was an obnoxious law student who later on became an even more obnoxious attorney.
He was a know-it-all who prided himself on his intelligence, which for some reason attracted Alba.
At the time Alba would sometimes tease me that I could do better than Vince, and would offer to set me up with one of Leo’s law school buddies, but I would always refuse and she eventually dropped the subject.
Alba and Leo are currently going through a nasty divorce that stems from him being unfaithful to her, quite frankly he is dragging her through the mud and is using connections to try and leave her as penniless as possible.
As we were chatting and catching up Alba began to express concern over the fact that my eldest son (7M) was recently diagnosed with dyslexia. Alba began telling me how she is worried that my son will be academically challenged like his father and what that could entail for his future.
Before I could respond she told me how I should have married someone smart while I had the chance so I would have kids like hers. (Alba’s son is an incredibly bright boy and a straight-A student).
I told Alba her advice was unnecessary and reminded her where marrying for intelligence got her, I then proceeded to tell her that I would rather have my son grow up to be an honest, hardworking person like his father than an academically gifted jerk who wasn’t smart enough to know sleeping with his secretary could have consequences on his marriage like her husband.
Alba was deeply hurt by what I said and stormed out with her son. Some mutual friends are now chiming in and are telling me that I was too harsh on Alba for using her failing marriage to prove my point and should apologize.”
Another User Comments:
“Okay, can I just say that intelligence doesn’t have anything to do with dyslexia? That incredibly intelligent people can have it? And they can also have other learning disorders or be kinetic learners? Because for her to say that your husband isn’t intelligent is just a level of jerkery that’s completely unacceptable.
Having an education vs. no education is also not a measure of intelligence. Trust me. I have a Ph.D. too. I also know a lot of brilliant people without college diplomas. Now that my rant is over. NTJ and while certainly you should be concerned if your child has a learning disability and you should pursue support for him.
that doesn’t make him stupid or otherwise lacking.” corgihuntress
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think it might be a sort of emotional-defensive-reflex thing on her end to keep her from acknowledging the fact that she married a really awful person.
You definitely could have taken a minute before reacting in the heat of the moment, but I won’t fault you for sticking up for your husband and especially not your son. It’s worth stressing that Alba insulted yours while you never got down to that level, you just dissed her for making poor life choices with a man that, if we’re being real, probably had a ton of red flags (Going all “look at how smart my high-IQ” never bodes well).
My heart still goes out to Alba, I’d chalk that up to her dealing with a ton of severely repressed betrayal compounded with the fear of what life will look like after the divorce. But she’s still a grown woman who has no business insulting a neurodivergent child; it’s her responsibility to manage her emotions gracefully, without disrespecting you or your family.
Just to be clear, I’m not making excuses for what Alba said, don’t get it twisted. She’s still a grown woman who insulted a child. Really bad that she behaved that way in front of her own son, too.
I just make it a point to see where behavior like that comes from if I can help it.” WiseOldBMW
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Alba was enjoying the view from her high horse after being dragged through the mud.
She thought “here is my opportunity to show I’m still better than someone else” and took a way lower blow than you did. She attacked your innocent young child’s intelligence and basically said his future accomplishments won’t matter when compared to her own kid.
You on the other hand went after an obnoxious, unfaithful, jerk whom she chose to be with. Hopefully, Alba can get over herself cause otherwise her son will have no friends.” MustangTheLionheart
2. AITJ For Not Telling My Stepmom About My Dad's Affair?
“My (20F) dad (45M) married my stepmom (42F) about three years ago.
A few months ago, my dad started acting weird. He was on his phone a lot, sneaking out late at night, and lying about where he was.
One night, about three months ago, I overheard him on the phone saying some pretty explicit things to someone who was definitely not my stepmom. After a few days of agonizing over it, I decided to confront him. He admitted he was being unfaithful to my stepmom and begged me not to tell her.
He said he’d end the affair and work on his marriage. I believed him and kept quiet, hoping he’d actually follow through.
Well, fast forward a month, and my stepmom finds out anyway. She is staying with my dad, so things are good on that end, but somehow she is absolutely livid with me, saying I betrayed her trust by not telling her.
She keeps telling me I’m just as guilty as he is for not coming to her right away. Since then my stepmom has been giving me the cold shoulder, and when she does talk to me, it’s just to yell or blame me for everything.
It’s gotten to the point where I dread being at home. My dad’s trying to smooth things over, but he’s not doing a great job. He keeps telling me to just stay out of it and give my stepmom time to cool off and try to avoid her as much as possible.
A few nights ago, after yet another heated argument with my stepmom, I finally snapped and basically told her to stop blaming me for my dad’s mistakes. I didn’t betray her, and I’m not the one who lied, so she needs to get off my back.
She looked shocked and hurt, but I felt it needed to be said.
I feel awful about the whole thing and really wish I’d handled it differently. Maybe I should’ve told her at the start.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ those are grown folks who are married! She doesn’t want to blame your dad because she doesn’t want to leave so she’s taking it out on you because it’s easier. It did need to be said.
She does need to back off. the relationship isn’t yours to fix, mend, and force them to be honest with each other. That responsibility solely relies on the ones IN the relationship! You’re good girl!” Low_Barnacle_3508
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I have a no-sympathy policy for those who are unfaithful, and so yeah, you probably should have told your stepmom. However, that’s not really the issue anymore. There’s no good reason to forgive your dad for his unfaithfulness and not forgive you for not telling her.
As you said, she’s shifted the blame onto you, as she’s not as close to you as your dad, so you’re the easier target. You’re absolutely right to call her out on it.” jedirieb
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your dad is and your stepmom is also.
She is hurt, that your dad was unfaithful to her – but instead of being hurt by him, she tries to put all the guilt to you – so she doesn’t have to face that she is married to someone unfaithful and to observe her own relationship.
What you said to her, was more than right. You could have been more brutally honest. Hope it will get better for you or you have the option to move out from there soon. Because this situation between your dad and your stepmom sounds toxic.” Trevena_Ice
1. AITJ For Hiring A Cleaning Service After My Wife Asked Me To Do More Chores?
“My wife is a stay-at-home mom. We have two children, 10/12. I pay all the bills, put money aside for the kids’ education, emergencies, savings, vacations, retirement, etc. then whatever is left I split 50/50 with my wife.
Recently she has decided that I do not do enough around the house so she wants me to start doing more chores.
I asked if we were going to split up all the chores again.
What I mean is the kids have their chores, she has hers, and I have mine. So if she wants me to do more I want mine redistributed as well.
I think she can mow the lawn and do the yardwork and house maintenance.
This is not what she wants. She wants me to take on more of the chores we agreed would be hers. On top of earning all the money, and all the chores I currently have.
I asked her what she wanted me to do. She gave me a list. I hired a cleaning service and paid for it out of our budget before splitting the fun money.
Now she says that I’m a jerk and being financially abusive.
I think it’s a fair compromise.”
Another User Comments:
“Oh that’s direct! Very clever and to the point with hiring a cleaning service on top to really push the message home! I would never have done it though.
I have never found it useful to deal with one problem in a manner that created a mud-splash effect on other critical family matters. And the family budget is a huge, impactful, critical area of life and marriage. I am not at all surprised she objected. You just shot a cannonball directly over the bow.
You went chores ——> budget. You also basically rubbed her nose in the fact you had the unilateral power to do so as well! Power move! I guess it’s war then? ESH and so very foolish. Conflict management skills for the win.
Don’t carpet bomb across critical areas of family and marriage when trying to resolve stuff with your life partner.” Something-bothersome
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The kids are old enough to be mostly independent and are actually helping with chores.
She’s a stay-at-home mom while you work and provide 100%. It is wild for her to expect you to do her chores on top of the rest. What does she even do all day when the kids are in school?
You provided a solution to her problem: she gets to do less chores. If she doesn’t like its impact on her budget, she can do the darn chores, get a job herself, or she can leave and find out what living alone, working full time with an apartment to maintain and 2 kids looks like.
And I say this as a woman – you’re not being financially abusive, she’s the one exploiting you.” PrimeElenchus
Another User Comments:
“Info: why did she bring this up? The biggest reason I could see it actually being valid is because of modeling for your kids.
My parents had a traditional setup where Mom was a SAHM and Dad worked. My brother basically replicated this without growing out of the slobby teenager phase (because neither did my dad). It’s now causing a lot of stress and burnout for his very high-needs family, and I’ve wished for years that our dad had modeled taking more responsibility.
I find it very interesting that you don’t share any of her rationale behind why she wanted to give you some of her to-do list. You share that you asked her for her list, then paid someone else to do it (without discussing that plan).
That’s really messed up and it kind of shows a lot about the power dynamic in your house.” AccomplishedCandy148
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