People Lose Sleep Over These 'Am I The Jerk' Stories
23. AITJ For Asking My Flower Girls To Wear The Same Dress?
“My wedding will be coming up in the next 5 months! My fiancé has two siblings that have children! One lives in the same province we do and the others live a couple of provinces over and we see them about 4 times a year. I initially asked the sibling who lives close to us and we see all the time if her daughter would want to be a flower girl!
Her daughter excitedly accepted and I told them they could pick any baby blue dress that she would like. They found a cute 15$ dress to order that I liked! I then thought to myself after a visit with my fiancé’s brother from farther away that hey his daughter seems to have come out of her shell and isn’t as shy as she was last visit and maybe she would enjoy walking down the aisle with her cousin so I told her dad if he thinks being a flower girl with her cousin is something she would enjoy doing then I’d love to have her.
My fiancé’s sister sent the dress info (link and pictures) to get her the dress to which she responded by telling the bride the dress was ridiculous and that her daughter would be wearing a white sun dress. I had said nothing in response to this as I was on vacation when I received this information.
A day later I got a message from my fiancé’s brother saying they now have a light blue dress that was gifted to them. I asked if I could see it and I heard his wife in the background shout “Don’t show her because then she can say no” Her husband did end up showing it to me and it’s mostly yellow with blue sailboats on it.
I’m not sure if I’m being a bridezilla or not but I asked if their daughter would want to be a co-flower girl for the sake of inclusivity and family bonding but I sent this text over
“Hey! There seems to be a lot of commotion over a 15$ flower girl dress that wasn’t expecting or wanting!
If this is causing (wife’s name) too much stress I am more than okay not to have a second flower girl. I just thought it would be nice to include her but it’s also totally not necessary”
My fiancé is very nervous about the response his wife will give and thinks that maybe I should have let the dress thing slide.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But your fiancé needs to step up and support you. You’re not asking for much unless $15 is way out of their budget. If they are dead set against buying it themselves, maybe buy one for each flower girl so that there are no excuses to not wear it.
But your fiance’s SIL is the jerk here, for her catty comments and rudeness. If she keeps acting like it, just have one flower girl. And if they complain, uninvite them.” Wild-Shelter4082
Another User Comments:
“Totally NTJ. Having the Flower Girls match will be super cute.
Bridesmaid dresses usually match so why would they be any different? Reasonable. I think it is nice you even thought of her. Could just as easily only have one flower girl. Just sayin’… It is only $15. She could have already just bought the dress and been done with it.
Also- who wears white to someone else’s wedding?! Lolol” comments-lolz
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have the opposite take of some others. After you mentioned the occupation of the SIL and her husband, I’m wondering if they were offended by the price of the dress because it wasn’t high-end enough.
Also, it’s your wedding, so you shouldn’t have to compromise. There is nothing wrong with wanting both girls to wear the same dress, and your SIL needs to check her attitude. Between demands over a flower girl dress and complaints about the start time, is it even worth having two flower girls?
Also, I have a feeling that SIL is used to everyone always bending to her will and giving her what she wants, mainly because she rants and raves. For once, everyone needs to stop trying to keep the peace and tell her no. This is your day and your soon-to-be husband’s day, and she shouldn’t get to make demands.
I strongly dislike when families expect everyone else to appease one rude family member and make compromises on their special days. Edited to add additional comment.” Icy_Cardiologist8444
22. AITJ For Going on Our Annual Trip Alone After In-Laws Cancelled the Family Trip?
“Me (33F) and my husband (34M) go to a certain very popular mouse-based theme park every year.
We skipped a couple of years after our honeymoon to save up more money, but this last time we went our in-laws yelled at us for going without them.
In the past, we have been asked to go on vacation with my in-laws, but we felt the trip was not a good fit for us and declined.
This time around, though, the family discussion was going to this same popular theme park as a family. We told our in-laws we were still planning on going on our yearly trip, so we didn’t know if we could go with them, but that we would look into it depending on when they wanted to go.
We were told they decided to go during Christmas, which is expensive and crowded. On top of that, we were told that we should room with my brother-in-law and niece to make it more affordable, which made me uncomfortable. My brother-in-law is nice enough, but we don’t know each other all that well, and I wanted more privacy and space for my husband and me.
I told my in-laws my husband and I would get our room, but my mother-in-law said it wouldn’t be fair because then brother-in-law wouldn’t be able to afford to go with my niece.
My husband and I discussed things, and we decided since we had to pay for everything ourselves anyway, we would just rather go on our trip.
Once again we just didn’t think this was the trip for us.
Before we could tell our in-laws our decision, our in-laws canceled the family trip. My husband and I then decided to move forward with our vacation.
After we got back from our trip, my in-laws called us saying how selfish we were for going on the trip by ourselves, even though the family trip was canceled. I told them we had been planning this even before their trip, and we weren’t going to cancel our trip just because no one else could go.
Husband said the same thing.
I feel bad the rest of the family didn’t get to go, and for the way I spoke to them defending us. I feel like maybe I was being unreasonable and selfish, but I also think we were allowed to go on the trip by ourselves.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ My parents took over our disneytrip because some issues messed with our budget. Worst decision. It was very stressful and I didn’t get to do even half the things I wanted because either the group moved too slowly or was indecisive about where to go or there were too many conflicting wants.
Getting it subsidized was nice (which doesn’t seem to apply to you) but ultimately not worth it. A budget trip with just us would have been much more enjoyable.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“I don’t know what you said to them, but you’re NTJ for wanting to go on your trip with your husband.
Other people coming along totally changes the dynamic and can make for a tiring trip. Not only that but you were being asked to forego your privacy so BIL could afford the trip. It’s sad for BIL, but I don’t think one’s privacy is negotiable.
Also if MIL and FIL wanted BIL to go so much, they could have paid for him.” Regular_Boot_3540
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your InLaws are just too precious!! Hubs need to talk with them. It would be “fair” to make it a “rule” going forward that if your vacations “just happen” to align with family vacations in the future, they need to have their expectations set straight RIGHT NOW – they should NEVER, EVER expect the two of you to share rooms with people, not of your immediate family.
You are a married couple for goodness sake!! How can you expect to do a “couple of things” while on vacation if you are sharing a room? And if you can’t do a “couple of things” – what’s the point in going on vacation?!?! Spending time with family during the day is nice and all….but a couple on vacation should be expected to spend some evenings and all of their nights alone.
Your vacations are YOUR vacations – and you may just “happen” to be taking them at the same time and place because you enjoy their company.” Diasies_inMyHair
21. AITJ For Walking Out On My Lab Partner Because Of His Wife's Constant Interruptions?
“So, I (20f) am in a biology class at my local community college. We have a random lab partner for papers every few weeks, and this week I have Andy (37M).
Andy is severely dyslexic, so working with him can be hard but not impossible.
So Andy is married, and I am in a committed relationship with my partner. This is important I swear. His wife has come to classes a few times, so she has seen me.
We were working on our papers at the library on campus and had our laptops and notes out getting our project done. He had a webcam session open with his wife, and we were just talking, comparing notes, and coming up with the major points of our assignment when his wife would call him.
Okay, no big deal right? He goes outside, spends about ten minutes talking to her, and then comes back in. About twenty minutes later, the same thing.
Over. And over. And over.
When he came back to the table again, I asked him if there was a problem.
He said his wife was just worried about him being alone with me. He is in the library. With a webcam session open. He has TWO different location-tracking apps on his phone. She knows where he is and who he is with.
I finally turned off his webcam session and asked him was calling him over and over again because he was with a younger woman in the library.
He said yes. I told him if he walked out of the library one more time I was going to leave and he was going to have to do his portion of the project on his own. That would sink his grade if I did that.
Not five minutes later his phone went off again, and guess who it was? He picked it up on ring three and walked outside again. So I picked up my laptop and notes and walked out the library door in front of him.
I know this is not his fault, but I can’t get my part of the project done if we have to keep stopping every 15-20 minutes because his wife HAS to know where he is.
And now he has to do his section by himself which is going to be very difficult for him. So, AITJ for walking out after I told my lab partner to stop answering his phone?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ “I know this is not his fault” ..
this IS his fault – HE is an adult, and he was a jerk to you, disrespecting you and wasting your time. You were right to walk out.” Excellent-Count4009
20. AITJ For Telling My Brother-In-Law His Ex Is Taking Funds From Our Family?
“My brother-in-law’s ex is pregnant and because he left her she’s being anything but a mature adult about this situation.
For starters she’s refusing to have any sort of communication with him because she’s bitter he dumped her and is jealous he’s moved on. Even though she’s refused to accept his money, she’s more than willing to take thousands of pounds from his parents and grandmother.
This is the first grandchild so my in-laws want to be part of the pregnancy and since she was having some complications, they’re anxious and ask her for updates on the baby frequently. His grandmother also loves her because she watched her grow up so even though the ex is being spiteful and petty, she’ll defend her and act like she’s doing no wrong.
I’ve known this was going on for a few months now but I didn’t say anything to my BIL at first because my husband was convinced they’ll get back together eventually. However, he’s started seeing my best friend and they’re serious about each other so I confided the situation to her and she asked me to tell him since it would be better coming from me than her.
The ex has also taken thousands from my in-laws and this is going to continue once the baby is born. I don’t want her to continue taking advantage of them, especially my grandmother-in-law who is the sweetest woman on this planet.
So I told him and he confronted her so now she’s gone low contact with my in-laws who are devastated because now they’ll know nothing about the baby.
They’re also stressing over how she’s going to look after herself and the baby even though she’s a grown woman and it’s not our family’s responsibility to take off her. My brother-in-law has also repeatedly offered to help her but she keeps turning her nose at him so clearly she doesn’t need help that much and was just using this as a way to turn his family against him.
My in-laws have been less welcoming towards me since this all went down and my husband’s grandmother asked him if one of us had said something to my BIL. She said she was disappointed in me when he told her he thought it was me so now I feel bad.
My husband also doesn’t think I should’ve told him because he thinks my BIL’s ego is hurt. After all, she was willing to accept money from his family and not him. I think he’s wrong, though, since he’s been wrong about a lot of things when it comes to the dynamic between them.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Yes YTJ. The ex will always be a part of this family because she’s the mother of the child. So just because she wants NO relationship with the ex right now while she’s pregnant, she’s choosing to be in touch with the baby’s grandparents and great-grandma. You made it seem like she’s charging them for access which is not the case.
They are offering help because it’s their grandkid. The great-grandma of that kid is now disappointed. You don’t think grown adults can choose how to spend their time and money? That they’re not capable of maintaining a relationship of their choosing with the parent of their grandbaby and great-grandbaby?
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You never once described why the ex is “bitter.” Your BIL got with another girl while he literally got a baby cooking in another woman’s body and here you are calling her bitter. You and your BIL are horrible people and I hope she gets all the support from the actual good people in the family.” Pillowprincess_222
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for involving yourself in a situation that didn’t involve you. They were helping her financially so that the baby would be in contact with your side of the family. It will also help with the custody fight, should it come to that.
“I think he’s wrong, though” You’re irrelevant to this situation, and so are your thoughts.” KronkLaSworda
19. AITJ For Not Attending My Estranged Grandmother's Funeral?
“I(34f) lost my father at the age of seven and subsequently lost all contact with his side of the family.
I mostly only know my mom’s side of the story because of my young age at the time but basically, I know that they didn’t like my mom (they think it’s her fault that he died –re: his depression and excessive drinking after their separation) and they were pretty racist (upset that my dad married and had children with an Indigenous person).
I remember some efforts on their part being made in the beginning but ultimately I think my siblings and I fell victim to a battle between adults. Years went by before any contact resumed. At this point, I was older (a teenager) and interested in reconnecting but all of my efforts left a bad taste in my mouth.
A few examples include:
My grandmother called our house once and I picked up (she was notorious for being inebriated calling my mom and leaving hateful messages). She went on for hours crying and speaking badly about my mom. I was only 10 at this point so it was wildly inappropriate.
I tried adding them on social media and they rejected me (claiming that if I wanted to talk to them I could call)
I saw my aunt at a store and felt too shy to say anything. I later heard she went around calling me a jerk for ignoring her (again, I’m still quite young at this point)
We went to my grandfather’s funeral and they spent the whole time talking badly about my mom and doting on my brother (my sister and I couldn’t help but feel like it was because he inherited more Caucasian features like my dad, while we look like our mom)
Flash forward to now, and my grandmother recently passed away. We’ve been aware that she was sick for quite some time but I’ve reached a point in my life where these people are strangers to me so it didn’t feel natural to visit her in her final days or attend her funeral.
My aunt and cousin have attempted to contact me (invite me to the funeral, offer me memorabilia from her house) but I just don’t see why I would be a part of this when I wasn’t a part of her life when she was alive.
His family is pretty upset with my siblings and me but I don’t think we can take the blame for how things turned out. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“First, I’m sorry that your dad’s family treated you that way all your life. Second, you are under no obligation to attend the funeral of a woman who shunned you for most of your life.
Please make peace with the fact that we don’t choose our family, and we sure don’t need to make contact with them when someone dies when we’re adults.” Rezolution20
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have a very similar situation with my dad’s side of the family.
I don’t refer to my grandma as my grandma. She’s my dad’s mom. Even before the divorce, we were not a major focus for her. We lived in different states, and communication was very little. Once the divorce happened, that side of the family divorced the kids, too.
The last time I saw anyone from that side of the family was in 2017, for her 85th birthday surprise, I think I was invited out of pity. Turns out, the only reason they had that surprise was because she was making comments about how she’d never see a sister of mine again before she died. She didn’t care that she hadn’t seen me in just as long.
Sometimes, it is extremely healthy to take yourself out of the picture. I’d advise blocking contact with them. It’s just going to get worse. They sound like the type of people who will guilt trip you only to talk badly about you later.” Business-Expert-4648
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You owe them NOTHING. It doesn’t make sense to grieve for someone you didn’t even know. Someone who treated you & your mom with disrespect. They don’t deserve to have you in their life. You don’t need to feel any type of way for this person.
And you certainly don’t need to grieve for them. I wonder why they’re reaching out & inviting you. After the way they’ve treated you, it’s a bit odd.” NOTTHATKAREN1
18. AITJ For Defending My Dad's 'Toxic Masculinity' To My Friend?
“I (21m) was talking to a friend (20f) and we were discussing how she was feeling unwell due to something being passed around at her workplace, that she’s had for a while.
She was mentioning how I somehow “never” got sick and I said well yeah I was a peculiar kid, might have helped my immune system or something.
Then I said oh I remember whenever I did get sick as a kid my mom would do this thing where she got a bunch of boiling water in a pot, put some tea bags in it then she’d put it on the table and I’d kneel on a chair over it, with a towel over my head so the steam was trapped and it’d clear up my nose.
The tea was probably just tradition or something, the main thing was the boiling water and steam, which might help you. She asked if that felt weird, and I said yeah, it gets your face all wrinkly and sweaty, and after a little, it gets hard to breathe but it helps at the end of the day.
I then joked about how my dad would always try to challenge me to get me to do it longer for more effect, where he’d call me a coward or like a weakling or a little girl (rough translation from our language, but it could be like any of those things) and as a kid I’d always fall for it and go for longer.
She said that’s horrible. I said what do you mean, he was just trying to get me to go for longer to help me. And it was always playful. She said something like that can’t be playful. I said he said that to challenge me because without a challenge I’d chicken out pretty fast so there was like no effect, it helped me.
She said that that was a toxic masculine behavior. I said well it was just to challenge me for my good, that’s like a rough translation it’s just like a ruder way to say coward., She said my dad calling me that was just toxic, and I shouldn’t be defending it.
I said she needed to stop talking about things she had no idea about. She said whatever and was essentially silent for the rest of the call either then giving callouts on the games we were playing and I’m starting to think I took it too far.”
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ, because there are two separate components to this, and your friend does sound like they know what they were talking about for the second component. 1. Your dad challenging you to go longer to help you, which is fine. 2. Your dad using terms like “little girl” or any feminine equivalent if you don’t, implying girls or females are weak, which is NOT fine.
Another User Comments:
“I get that you’re offended for your dad, but she wasn’t wrong. Suggesting that only women are weak. That men are stronger than women. That failure and giving up are female qualities. These are all bad assumptions. I don’t think you’re a jerk for your loyalty, but you will be if you continue to deny the obvious.” loverlyone
Another User Comments:
“Yeah, YTJ, thinking it’s okay in 2024 to equate girls and women with being too weak to endure something uncomfortable for a long time. Like, I dunno, things you’ll likely never endure that are a natural part of many women’s lives, such as enduring hours of agony in labor and doing that more than once, or, I dunno, being surrounded by people who constantly say out loud that women are weak when they are the stronger gender in terms of endurance.” cadaloz1
17. AITJ For Refusing to Reimburse My Father for a Funeral Expense He Volunteered to Cover?
“AITJ for the current situation: I am co-executor of a deceased estate. The relative left no funeral instructions. My co-executor and I met the funeral directors and they gave a quote. We had a sum of money pulled from the bank which funded the funeral. In my country, they are not cheap so we had $102 over.
Unfortunately, a relative started to argue a live music tribute.
My co-exec and I felt it wasn’t necessary as we had recorded music. I then got a phone call from my dad who said the live tribute was important to him so he’d pay out of his pocket to ensure it happened. Given he agreed to pay, I felt we had no option so it proceeded. At no point did he say anything about being repaid.
It was done, cash, no receipt.
So I then got an email from the solicitor saying my father had approached them directly to seek payment for the live music. I directed the solicitor not to respond. I then got a text from my father asking me if he was a beneficiary because he wanted a new car.
I told him that I couldn’t discuss it because it was still pending court approval as a valid will. So once that process was completed, I had to have a very difficult conversation with him about not being a beneficiary.
All through this, there was some very poor behavior about it all.
So my sister, fed up, gave him the $$$ and told him to drop it. Next thing, my dad gets wind of me asking the beneficiaries for their bank details. He sends me his! But he doesn’t know that I know he’s been paid the money.
So I call it out! He denies any involvement but gives my sister back the $250 because “I’ll get it from the estate”. I have been incredibly disappointed by his behavior, expectations and to be honest, lies. I don’t want to pay him $250 because he told me he wanted to cover it out of his pocket, he never said he expected reimbursement.
My co-exec says let’s pay him to shut him up.
Am I the jerk for not wanting to pay him? The solicitor says I have a duty to the beneficiaries of which my father isn’t one but the $250 can be paid to him and the beneficiaries still get a reasonable amount of money.
Am I the jerk people???”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Where I live executors are legally required to work in the best interest of all the beneficiaries. In cases where those interests diverge, it’s typically what will benefit the highest number of beneficiaries. You’d also have to provide an accounting of how all the money left to the estate was used. Tell your dad to present the (non-existent,) contract. When he can’t say the estate never agreed to pay for live music and won’t be paying.” ApprehensiveBook4214
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I would follow the advice of the lawyer. I’m sure your father could put in a claim in the probate court (or whatever it is called where you live) for the 250. Funeral expenses typically take priority over other types of claims. My guess is it would cost much more than 250 to litigate the claim, but your lawyer could tell you that. If I am a beneficiary, I’d rather you pay $250 for a disputed claim than $1,000 for attorney fees and risk having to pay the $250 as well.
” ShiloX35
16. AITJ For Considering Not Inviting My Friend Gina To Paid Events Due To Her Inability To Pay?
“I have a small group of friends that will frequently plan girls’ nights. There’s about 8 of us. Sometimes we do nights in and we just order pizza and drink too much wine, sometimes we go out to do something (think smash room, sip and paint, etc).
Basically on a night in everyone contributes to the food/snacks/drinks and on a night out we each pay our way. Typically one person will make a reservation and then everyone gets them back. We make an effort to make some of these events more pay than what you can afford vs something with a straight fee.
Everyone except one member of our group, Gina. She makes less than most of the group, but not all of us, and there have been multiple times where some of the girls who make less have bowed out of a paid activity, but never Gina.
Gina is always enthusiastically in for whatever we’ve planned. She’ll then put whoever bought tickets off saying that she can’t pay them until pay day. Then on the night of the activity, she’ll make a huge deal about how she’s super broke to the whole group.
Usually whoever paid feels too awkward to say anything to her, or sometimes one of the other girls will offer to cover her. To make matters worse Gina will also laugh and joke about how she and her partner order out all the time or talk about a new (insert unnecessary luxury item here) that she just bought to “treat herself”.
Gina is a sweetheart and I love her, but it’s getting to be annoying, and a few of us who have been left holding the bag for her have started to talk about not inviting her if it’s something we need to pay for.
We have no issue with her coming to the nights in, even if it’s not in her budget to be able to contribute because there’s always more than enough to go around. Two of us started talking about our next night out and we’re thinking about doing this night at the somewhat pricey aquarium thing.
We started mentioning it to another member of the group, Lana, and brought up the possibility of not inviting Gina Lana got upset with us and told us it wasn’t fair to cut Gina out. She mentioned it to some of the other girls and now the group is split with some saying it’s jerk behavior not to invite Gina and some saying it’s only fair.”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t understand why people are so hesitant to address the situation with the person directly. It’s not that hard. Talking about it behind her back isn’t going to resolve anything. Deliberately leaving her out of plans is mean. “Friend, we enjoy your company but no one is in the position to cover your share until you get paid.
Are we making plans too late for you to budget for it? Do you need more lead time?” It’s really that simple. Why can’t any of you talk to his person about the problem? And don’t reply, we don’t like confrontation. Confrontation doesn’t have to be angry or dramatic.” Peony-Pony
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but either you have a conversation with her about it, or you all just zip your lip and keep paying for her. She’s completely manipulating you to pay for her, (tears, excuses, etc) all the while saying how she overspends on a regular basis.
She knows you will all just pay for her so she doesn’t have to change her behaviour. Perhaps everyone can pay upfront. And if she can’t then she can’t go. But either way, you guys need to stop allowing her to walk all over you.
Just because you can for one friend (who always pays you back) doesn’t mean you have to for everyone. She sounds like a pretty crappy friend honestly.” AsparagusOverall8454
Another User Comments:
“Def NTJ it’s hard to cut someone out of your plans but sometimes it’s for the best. Who knows, this might be a wake-up call for your friend.
There have been times when I was that person and it’s so uncomfortable to not be included but, it’s even more uncomfortable to owe your friends money. I’m sure there is a respectful way to tell her that her actions are making some people feel guilty about having to pick up the slack for her poor financial planning. P.S.
The night at the aquarium thing sounds amazing!” Mommygoblin666
15. AITJ For Telling My Mom I Find Her Behavior More Unbearable Than My Puppy's?
“I (29F) recently adopted a puppy (Menta, 9 weeks).
Due to life circumstances I currently live with my mother (65F). Despite me being the sole owner and caretaker, as this is her home I had to be sure she was on board with the adoption. She ended up saying yes, and even offered to help me.
Now that the puppy is at home everything is a little bit chaotic. That’s to be expected from such a young puppy, but I find myself getting more stressed about my mother’s reactions. She’s always been an anxiety-prone person (like me), but I’ve never seen her at this level of nervousness.
I can’t leave her alone with Menta without being worried about what’s going on with them.
She says things like “She’s mean”, “she’s aggressive”, and “she’s defiant”. The problem is my mother expects Menta to behave like a grown dog instead of like the puppy she is.
Every single person we’ve talked to tells her that the behavior is normal.
Today, in the middle of the night, Menta was feeling unwell at seemed like she was going to throw up, so I stayed awake with her to keep an eye on her health.
She ended up being okay and slept well the rest of the night, but I found it hard to fall back asleep.
In the morning, as usual, the puppy woke me up and I went with her to greet my mother. I told her about my “sleepless” night, and then went to the kitchen to feed Menta and have breakfast. Everything normal.
But when my mother emerged in the room I noticed she seemed to be off. When I asked her what was wrong she told me that she was nervous because I was unable to sleep. I told her that I did sleep, I only lost a couple of hours.
And we were talking about me, I’ve always been a terrible sleeper, even during my childhood.
An argument ensued in which every time I said I was ok she’d come up with a negative retort about Menta’s behavior. “But yesterday she took too long to settle for the night” and “We can’t pet her without her biting us”.
I was so fed up that I ended up telling my mother that I found her behavior more unbearable than Menta’s behavior. Now she is skulking around the house and hasn’t said barely anything to me
Now I feel bad because I know she is stressed and doing the best she can.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re right, your mother is being immature. I think if you want to take the high road, you could sit down with your mom and tell her that while you appreciate that she’s worried for your health, this is just how puppies act.
There’s nothing wrong with Menta, and you knew going into this that it would be difficult for the first few months. You know that her worry is coming from a place of love, but you would appreciate it if she would stop disparaging Menta, and that Menta is here to stay.
You sound like a responsible pet owner! We need a pet tax pic.” Royal_Basil_1915
14. AITJ For Refusing My Coworker's Unwanted Houseware Gifts?
“So I (30F) recently eloped with my partner, well now husband (39M). We purchased a home on the lake in a new subdivision and it is truly our dream home.
We had closed on our house about a month before the elopement so we already had moved our belongings in purchased anything else we needed and sold any other belongings that we had in each of our apartments since the leases were up or almost up.
Once some of my coworkers found out we had eloped, they wanted to throw me a shower. I politely told them I was perfectly fine with having a little party to celebrate but no gifts. When asked why no gifts I told them honestly didn’t need anything.
Typically in my area when a wedding shower or housewarming party is thrown people gift toasters or sets of dishes etc. Our home is furnished. We both have successful jobs. “No gifts or monetary gifts, please. But we would love to celebrate with you. Your presence is the only gift we want.” That was the conversation.
And it was received well. The party happened and all went well.
Yesterday a coworker who had not come to the party randomly showed up at our home. I am not close to this person. We try to avoid each other most days. Anyways, she arrived at our home with 3 large black trash bags that contained used houseware items from her home.
She said she “knew it was hard when you are first starting” and thought these items could help us “while we get on our feet”. She also commented on how she was going to have a garage sale but would rather just give them to someone who needed them.
I told her I really appreciated the thought but that we were settled and maybe she should take her items and give them to someone who needed them because we were on our feet. She said I was just being modest. She ended up refusing to tell me how she got my address and also refused to take her “gifts” back with her.
I told her we didn’t need her items but if she wanted to leave them I would be happy to donate them for her. She said I was being rude. She did leave the bags though and I am taking them to a local consignment store that sells items and uses the proceeds to help survivors of domestic violence.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ How did she get your address? That’s the worrying thing for me. She knew what she was doing was BS or she would have given it to you at work. It’s worth finding out if she misused company resources to find your new address in case you need to start a thing with HR.” MonkeyWithKittens
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It would’ve been no jerks here if your colleague had accepted your refusal of the gifts when you first made it. Ignoring your refusal and effectively dumping the things on you was itself rude and a jerk move. This is a problem for me as I have had several experiences of a similar nature.
People can’t bear to throw away useful items that they no longer want, but can’t be bothered to sell or donate them themselves. SOLUTION: Dump them on someone else as a gift. It gets rid of the problem. It sounds generous and well-meaning and leaves the recipient with the disposal problem.
Sorted!” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ It was rude to show up at your home! It was rude to ignore the “no gifts” please ask. It was rude to say you’re in such need you need her leftovers. It was rude to bring you trash.
And it was rude to ignore your refusal and leave the bags. Her heart may have been in the right place but she had so many opportunities to correct course that it makes her a jerk to you. Good for you for sending the items on to folks who will need them and for a good cause.
And congrats on the new home and husband!” justanother1014
13. AITJ For Refusing To Walk My Roommate's Dog Because He Won't Walk Mine?
“My roommate and I live together with my dog (Arty) and his, which is an 8-month-old puppy (Nala) who requires 24/7 monitoring. My job is completely remote, while he is in person, so on the days he works, I agreed to watch Nala so he doesn’t have to dish out extra funds, paying for a dog sitter or daycare.
Since he got Nala, I have taken care of both dogs every day that he is at work and since I take Arty on walks every day, I take Nala as well because it just seems wrong to not, since I’m walking Arty anyway.
Recently, I’ve been having to work late so I haven’t had the time to take them on an afternoon walk before the sun goes down, while my roommate has been getting home earlier.
Because he’s been getting home earlier, he takes Nala on a walk and not Arty (my dog). For some reason, this got under my skin after seeing how disappointed Arty looks whenever he realizes he doesn’t get to go on the walk. And my roommate knows that I always walk both dogs, so it seemed unfair to me.
Because of this, I started doing the same thing and only walking Arty, my dog. Then the other day, he asked me why I, “couldn’t just take Nala with” and I told him that he made it clear Arty was not his dog or responsibility, so Nala is not mine.
He responded that I had agreed to take care of Nala and he never agreed to take care of Arty because he “can’t because his work schedule is so busy” while I have much more free time before/after work.
He is right, I did agree to take care of Nala and I do have more free time to do walks every day.
Without me walking Nala, she only gets to go on a walk a few times a week when my roommate comes home early.
I do feel horrible that Nala is paying the price for this disagreement, I helped raise her and care for her very much so I feel like a jerk.
But it also feels like my roommate is taking advantage of our agreement and Arty is paying the price for that.
I can’t conclude myself so I have to ask, is my roommate taking advantage of me or AITJ for not walking his dog?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your roommate is 100% taking advantage of you and he shouldn’t have ever gotten a dog, let alone a puppy. He doesn’t have the time. I would talk with him and explain that you will continue to watch/walk Nala if he returns the favor when he’s home.
If he doesn’t agree, ask for payment for taking care of Nala. Start by tracking how many hours a day you put forth in taking care of her (walks with Arty included). My fear is if you just refuse to take care of her, the puppy will be the one to ultimately suffer.” Miserable_Cow403
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for telling him that the arrangement isn’t working for you and he should sell an alternative. I think a hard line is best here — you can’t care for his dog during the day anymore. He needs to hire someone or kennel his dog during the day.
That’s too bad if he is upset but he should have realized that you were doing an enormous favor and people get tired of that if it’s one-sided for too long. He messed around and found out. Now he will have to pay like every other dog owner” asecretnarwhal
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your roommate is a very self-absorbed person. If he doesn’t have the time to have a puppy then he should never have gotten one. You are doing him a favor and he couldn’t help you out? No way. He is beyond rude.
Stop doing this guy favors, he has no common decency nor does he possess the basics of manners. He’s taking advantage of you, put an end to it. Let his entitled backside shell out for puppy daycare.” Miss_Melody_Pond
12. AITJ For Telling My Brother His ADHD Isn't An Excuse For Bad Behavior?
“I 16f have an older brother 17m.
He has ADHD, and he thinks that means he can do anything. He’s done things before and blamed it on his “disease” (as he calls it, not me), and my parents don’t do anything about it. The other weekend, while my parents were out and we had a sitter, my brother invited friends over to record a video for his school film class.
They said they were going to “bake something”. I felt happy for him, as he was finally getting somewhere with friends and a social life.
Turns out I was extremely wrong.
They come home with mac and cheese, tuna, avocado, and more random things. They then start recording and mixing all this, also using a bunch of flour and two eggs (by using a hammer on the expensive counter to crack them btw) to cook up something that they put in the oven.
The whole house smelled awful and the counter was cracked. The sitter and I had to open up all the windows and sit outside for hours. When we came back, and my brother went to walk his friend home, there were eggs on the counter, tuna juice everywhere, and something rotting.
It took a lot of nudging to get him to clean, and he still did a half-hearted job of it. I told my parents about the situation and they said they would handle it.
They get home, he gets a two-minute lecture, and they move on.
Lectures don’t affect him, and he still does things anyway. I thought at the very least they’d take his devices.
My brother decides to show my parents his funny video, and I watch in horror as they contaminate the kitchen’s flour, eggs, and a DVD of Shrek (for some weird reason.
They didn’t cook it though). Parents still did nothing. I started yelling at my brother about how he wasted about $40 of food and how that could have gone to someone in need, but instead, it was used for his dumb video.
He said, “Well my disease was kicking in that day, so it doesn’t matter”.
As the title says, I said “Your ‘disease’ shouldn’t let you get away with anything.”
My parents say I overreacted, and that it wasn’t a big deal, and now I’m in trouble with them. My friends say I was in the right. I need an unbiased opinion.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your parents need to intervene here. ADHD is not a disease and not an excuse (I am ADHD, with two ND kids). It’s a tough hand to be dealt in this NT world but we have to strategize and learn how to navigate our condition.
Your brother is going learn some harmful life lessons in the future if this isn’t the message from your folks now.” QueenofSwords4921
Another User Comments:
“You aren’t. He is a spoiled little jerk who falls back on it as a get-out-of-free card. For reference, I am both on the Spectrum and have had ADHD for 59 years now.
I can’t wait until he hits the real world and his boss says, “Don’t care, you’re fired.” Punks like him cause issues for folks who have a genuine no-kidding problem with this kind of thing. And no, not saying it isn’t a real problem for him, but it is an issue that must be managed, not embraced as a way to escape responsibility and consequences.
Good luck.” RevolutionaryBus9765
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My parents made similar excuses for my brother and he’s done absolutely nothing with his life. I have ADHD and it is a serious disorder that affects brain function, but this is just poor decision-making. It’s not like he’s struggling to complete work, keep tidy, or stay focused. This isn’t an issue with interrupting, “laziness” etc., it’s just bad behavior.
I have never met someone with ADHD who has those “symptoms.” Masta-Blasta
There is nothing you can do. Unless you are the one paying for the damage he does, you need to stay out of it.
11. AITJ For Allowing My Daughter To Call Her Stepmom 'Mom'?
“I (39M) have a twelve-year-old daughter(Katie) with my ex, Lilly (35F), of whom I hold 90% custody. Lily used to have her every 4 weeks Friday and Saturday during school term and we split the holidays 90-10.
I live a few hours away from her so this was the more stable system for Katie. Lilly claims I moved extremely far away the second I had the majority custody to reduce the amount of time she has with Katie, but she is very much delusional.
Katie attends a private boarding school this year, so a new custody agreement was written. We still have a 90-10 split for holidays with them being longer for private schools. In addition, Katie chooses who to spend the in-between term break with whom she wants.
She has spent those with me, infuriating Lilly as she hoped Katie would choose her for those.
Long story short, the real issue happened last week. Katie had gotten her period for the first time and was sent to the Nurse’s office. She asked one of the teachers to call her mom but had meant her step-mom, Misa.
So when the teacher handed her the phone expecting to hear Misa’s voice it was awkward. The issue was quickly fixed with the teacher eventually calling Misa, but not without Lilly getting mad.
The teacher had informed Lily that her daughter had gotten her period and wanted her step-mom for comfort.
Plus, she had accidentally called her instead of Misa. Lilly had heard Katie say mom through the phone and put two and two together. Figuring she thought she was talking to Misa when she had cried mom.
An hour later, Lilly phoned me screaming and in tears.
She called me a selfish pig for allowing Katie to call another woman mom. Furthermore, she insulted my wife and threatened to tear her apart if she didn’t stay away from her daughter. Before hanging up the phone, she threatened to teach Katie a lesson.
Lily has always hated me since I never paid child support ( maintenance ) and never allowed her to take Katie to see her family in the USA. She lives in a poor-quality apartment and has always been jealous of her daughter. She’s mentally unstable and blames it on me for not providing for her.
Just to make it clear, I have been married to Misa for six years. I started seeing her when Katie was born and she has treated Katie as her own since day 1.
AITJ”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Who Katie calls mom is her choice. And I’m happy for you that she sees your new wife that way.
More than likely Lily did something that ruined her relationship with Katie. And that is not your fault. Katie has chosen you and Misa over her mom Lily. While it sucks for Lily, it is not your fault. And Lily should be trying to work on her relationship with her daughter instead of blaming you” Still_Actuator_8316
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your daughter can call her stepmom “mom” since she sees Misa as a mother figure. Lily had no right to blame you- this isn’t your fault. INFO: has Katie’s mom (Lily) tried to offer a choice on whom Katie gets to stay with during school breaks?
The way I’m reading this is that you might need to contact a lawyer if Lily getting easily frustrated is not the first time when it comes to visitation rights and (possibly) wanting sole custody?” PotentialSky5745
Another User Comments:
“NTJ it’s great that your daughter has such a good relationship with her stepmom.
That does not negate the existence of her real mom. Many kids have two moms or two dads and can love them both. It’s not a zero-sum game. Unless her bio mom acts crazy in which case your daughter will rightfully want nothing to do with her.” Hot_Box_4574
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Katie can call whoever she wants Mom. If you didn’t push it, that isn’t on you. Lily probably realizes that she has been slightly replaced, and it is her fault. Your wife has been there since your daughter was very young, and loves her.
While I know that a part of me would be hurt, I also know that if something happened to my marriage and someone loved my daughter that much, that I would treasure that someone loved her.” JGalKnit
10. AITJ For Wanting To Expose My Partner's Lack Of Support With Our Kids?
“My partner (M28) and I (F27) have been together 7 years, we have 2 kids together.
At the start, he was somewhat helpful, but as time has gone on, he’s become less present, and less interested in being a dad. He’ll sit in the bedroom playing games for hours, scrolling his phone, doing absolutely anything but being a parent.
When he comes out, he’ll sit on the couch glued to his phone.
Recently we found out I’m pregnant again. I was so excited until he turned around and said “Don’t expect any help from me” Now I dread having this baby.
I can’t raise a 4th child on my own. Wrangle 3 kids on my own.
So I’m thinking about ending the pregnancy. But in comes the resentment. I hate that he can’t be enough of a dad to help out more, to play with his kids, and to get up now and then so I can sleep in.
I hate that I’m expected to do so much while he sits back and does nothing.
I never wanted this. I wanted to always be able to keep every child I find out about. But I can’t. Because of him.
We both work full-time jobs, and he finishes at 3 pm and can come home to a peaceful house and relax until the children get home at 5:30 pm.
But even then, he’s hardly out of the room. He’ll say hi to the kids and then off he goes to the bedroom.
I’m ready to leave. I think this is my tipping point. I feel like a failure, I feel like I can’t have what I want and long for because he can’t step up enough.
Because he’s not man enough. He just expects me to do it all and then some and not complain not argue, but still now down to his every want and need.
Because of everything. I want to blow this up with his family. I want to scream it to the world.
The reason we aren’t having this baby is because of him. Because he’s not supportive enough. Because he can’t step up. I know that would end the relationship but I don’t care anymore. I’m tired. I’m run down. I have a fever and still get up at 5:30 am, delirious and exhausted, to get up with the children because he won’t.
He won’t even let me sleep in for 2 hours while I’m sick and pregnant. He’s a lazy slob.
So WIBTJ for airing out my family’s dirty laundry to all parties involved?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but it won’t fix anything or make you feel better, and it will antagonize your ex-partner at a time when you need to preserve at least a communication channel so you can work out child support.
Unless they are completely oblivious, his family already knows he’s defective. They will know why you are leaving.” pl487
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you know you need to leave. And please don’t end the pregnancy in desperation. It may well be the best decision, but given that you actively want this child, think through your options carefully first. And if you do end the pregnancy, that doesn’t mean you will only ever have two.
You are still quite young and there’s plenty of time to have another with someone new.” MayaPinjon
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s the jerk here. You need to do what is best for your 2 kids. You did end up pregnant by a man who does nothing to add to the quality of your life, which is on you.
I know birth control is never 100%, but if this guy isn’t stepping up on being a partner, you really should have just gotten a vibrator to meet your needs. You can’t just keep having babies and hoping he or any other man is going to become better than he is.
I think it is fine to air your dirty laundry if it makes you happy, but you may not be coming across as someone who is taking responsibility for her life and her children’s lives.” Effective_Olive_8420
9. AITJ For Adopting A Kitten That Another Couple Seemed Interested In?
“I have been wanting to get a kitten for a few months – and it’s finally kitten time where I live.
Yesterday I went online and saw some kittens on the shelter website – there was one in particular that I thought was adorable and would fit my lifestyle perfectly. When I arrived at the shelter, a couple was looking at the kitten I was most interested in so I went to look at the other kittens and older cats.
After a few minutes, I noticed they had moved on from her so I approached the cage and started to get a feel for the kitten’s personality. Everything about her was exactly what I had hoped for, but to be polite I asked the couple if they were interested in her since they were still nearby.
They said no, they were there to look at dogs and had stopped by the cattery to just pet the felines. They were going to ask to see her in a visiting room just to let her out of the cage but had no intention of adopting her.
I thought “Perfect!” I asked to see the kitten out of the cage and after a few minutes of one-on-one with her, I knew she was the one. So I went forward with the adoption. The couple followed up with me after I left the visiting room asking if I was interested in adopting her.
I said yes, and they both seemed very happy for both of us. They left to see the dogs and I went to the front desk to fill out the adoption paperwork.
This morning I woke up to a post on the local social media page for cats/kittens looking for homes from the partner in the couple, basically saying to “not steal” someone’s kitten when they were interested in adopting.
I feel bad because I genuinely didn’t want to “steal” someone else’s first choice. If they had said yes they were interested in the kitten, I would’ve moved on and focused on a different cat or just left to wait for another one that would fit in with me.
All the replies on the post were full of rude comments calling the adopter (me) a jerk for “stealing” the kitten. I haven’t replied, as I don’t think I did anything wrong. But I figured I’d ask here.
AITJ for adopting the kitten?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. These people are Froot Loops. And also, btw … no shame in wanting an animal that you raise from the start. I once adopted a middle-aged dog. I adored her and had her until her death, but I’m not sure I would do that again.
She came to me with a LOT of hard bad habits, some nearly impossible, to train her out of. Best of luck with your new kitty!” Active-Anteater1884
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No hate here for getting a kitten. You sound as if you are energetic enough to cope ;D I too wanted a kitten and at my advancing age knew it was now or never, given cats can live to around 20.
But I must admit I totally underestimated how tiring it was and, being disabled, I worry sometimes that I can’t get on the floor and play with him as much as a more active owner. On the other hand, I love him to bits, he has millions of toys and I spoil him rotten so hopefully that makes up for me not racing around with him!” dragons friend-9271
8. AITJ For Setting Boundaries With My SIL About Babysitting Her Kids?
“I am a stay-at-home mom to my daughter, Kelly(1f), and my SIL, Amanda, is a single mom to a 4-year-old and a 1-year-old. Amanda or my MIL asks me to watch Amanda’s kids normally at least once a week.
I am completely fine helping out once a week maybe twice, but I’m constantly being asked with little to no notice. I do an activity with Amanda and all the kids one day a week and typically end up babysitting afterward for an hour or two.
Then I might be asked to babysit some other day every other week for about five hours.
The problem I have is I’m not typically leaving her house until 5/5:30 and my husband starts getting ready to leave for work at 8. That means we either don’t spend any time together for me to cook dinner, clean, and start getting my kid settled for bed or we order out to spend time together.
I also get stuck in situations where I tell Kelly we can go to the park and then I get texts/calls asking for me to babysit in an hour.
Kelly’s contact sleeps, so after putting Amanda’s kids down for naps I start trying one for my daughter, but if another kid wakes up no nap for mine.
This is also making it difficult to try and train my kid out of contact sleeping. It’s becoming a strain on my relationship, my finances, my parenting, and my mental health.
I am losing sleep over talking to my SIL about this because I genuinely feel for her and know she needs help.
I get life isn’t on a schedule, but getting little to no notice constantly makes me feel like I can’t plan to do anything or get any time-sensitive housework done such as laundry. I even got told she was working on a new work schedule and I was told she would need me to watch the kids just one morning a week on a set day, told not asked if I could or would.
Tomorrow will be day three of babysitting this week which is not normal due to the normal babysitter being sick. I completely understand that and will help, but don’t want this to but mistaken for something I can do all the time.
WIBTJ if I told Amanda that I can only watch her kids twice a week and need to get as much notice as possible?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You could also just go “Sorry, I can’t today. Not feeling great” or “already have something scheduled”. She’s not the boss of you, you don’t need to give her a detailed explanation. Remember the saying: “A lack of planning on your part doesn’t constitute an emergency on mine”.
And the fact that she’s a single mom of two at age 21 talks volumes about her lack of planning.” FetusTheEngineer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ But stop enabling your struggle. You can say “No”. You need to be saying it. You should be prioritizing your daughter, you, and your husband’s needs.
Not putting them first is what should be losing sleep over. Somebody needing help does not mean it’s owed to you. Your SIL has to find other arrangements for her kids. She won’t do that if you are an option. ” DaladalaGALS
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You are already prepared to offer amazing help (once or twice a week is massive), and you are being taken advantage of. I wouldn’t even be leaving it to her to advise you of when, but if you want to help you can tell her when you are available for what suits YOU and YOUR family and she can give you sufficient notice if she wants to take up that offer.
Back yourself and start drawing boundaries with someone who is abusing your good nature.” CyberHeaux
7. AITJ For Keeping My Grandma's Necklace That My Aunt Claims She Made?
“My grandma passed away about 1 year ago unexpectedly during a heart surgery, and it was very hard on me (26F) since she was really the only grandparent I was ever close to and as I said, her death was quite unexpected. The surgery was a routine surgery with a 98% survival rate.
My family history on my dad’s side has been very complicated, and it ended with my grandma and my aunt never speaking again until her death last year, for about 10-15 years.
I live out of the country and was unable to fly back to the US after her passing (finishing and defending my master’s thesis).
I found out later that my aunt offered to help my dad clean out my grandma’s apartment and storage unit since she had a lot of things. She was not a wealthy woman and did not own her home, so there wasn’t much money left and I never received any monetary amount.
My aunt also invited her daughters to come and go through some of my grandma’s clothes, pictures, and jewelry while they cleaned out the house. Her daughters would have met my grandma when they were less than 4 years old but otherwise had no relationship with her since my aunt and she did not speak.
Honestly, this upset me a bit because they never called or consulted me asking about any of her things or if I wanted anything. My dad said that he tried to pick out some things he thought I would like, including several pieces of jewelry she specifically stated she wanted me to have in her will.
The jewelry isn’t anything worth as much as a 17-carat diamond, but I think there are still some nice pieces there. I am going back to the US to see my dad and receive these things he saved for me, but my aunt called me a few months ago saying that there is a necklace in this collection that she gave my grandma that she would like back.
My aunt used to be a jeweler and said that she hand-picked/made this necklace for my grandma a long time ago and it has sentimental value to her. However, as I said my grandma specifically asked for this necklace to go to me in her will.
So would I be the jerk for keeping the necklace?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your grandma specifically left it for you. There is meaning in that. If you want it, keep it. If the necklace holds no value to you, then give it to your aunt.
Don’t keep it just because your aunt didn’t think of you while she was deciding what to keep for herself and her children. That was her own grief process and wanting her children to rightfully have a memory of their grandmother, regardless of how young they were when they last spoke to your grandmother.” Bootiebloot
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I doubt your aunt’s claims that she made the necklace for your grandmother. If she had, I think *everyone* in the family would have known about it and you wouldn’t be finding out its history just now. Your aunt wants the necklace for another reason.
I wonder if it is one of the more valuable pieces in the collection.” naranghim
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I can understand why your aunt wants the necklace back, but your grandmother did leave it to you. If you want it, keep it, otherwise consider giving it to your aunt in an effort at closure for her.
Have it appraised first, though. If she just wants it for the monetary value, don’t give it to her.” floydfan
6. AITJ For Not Deleting My Old Account With Messages From My Deceased Friend?
“So as the text states my partner (17) and me m(17) are at the breaking point of our 1+ yr relationship over my old social media acc.
For context at the beginning of our relationship, she would feel that I’d prioritize my friends over her, which admittedly I did. I felt like I was balancing my personal life and relationship by separating them a bit. I would spend the majority of the time with them and stay out late.
In doing this I was also poor at communicating to her what I was doing at the time. Only telling her I was “chilling”, wouldn’t tell her where I was going, or who I was with. In hindsight, this was the most stupid thing I could do.
It’d be the same 2 guy friends and I’d assume she’d know but this just led to a huge amount of trust issues. I no longer hang out with them. It’s gotten to the point where I cannot talk to my female coworkers other than a nod or mhm.
If there’s any female on my feed even if it’s just them with a chunk of text or their opinions it’s still a female. If I don’t ignore my coworkers or hit uninterested then she takes it as disrespect. She only takes it this way because of how big of a jerk she’s made it.
I understand that these are her boundaries only because of how I’ve messed up in the past.
I don’t want it to seem like I’m painting her as this control freak for no reason, I’ve kind’ve forced her into this position.
These aren’t all the examples just a few.
The title of the post is where I’ve felt the most conflicted. My friend passed 5 years ago today and my old account has their messages on it. I got a notif from my old account that I am not logged into about some mutual posting a picture.
She immediately saw it and left my house (already about to leave anyway). And texts me about how I only have that acc to follow girls. I had made a whole new account just to have no one on it and so she knew I didn’t have anyone else.
I thought this would be enough, but it wasn’t above and beyond as she needs to be shown what she’s done for me. I should’ve unfollowed every girl I had on that account previously but it didn’t cross my mind because I was never on it.
This was the ultimate sign of disrespect atp in the relationship. She’s given me an ultimatum now if I don’t deactivate the account then we’re over. She suggested that if it was really the messages I was worried about then I’d just screenshot them to save.
This just really irked me. I love this girl and I want her to be able to trust me again. Is this the way?
Edit: I wanted to add that at the beginning of the relationship I was completely in the wrong. I’d talk to people she didn’t like, I wouldn’t prioritize her, and do things to make her feel disrespected. It wasn’t my intent at all, but it came off that way.
In my head, I had my way of balancing my relationships and my relationship. We’ve had history for years and we fell off for about a year. During this time I was confident that I learned from my mistakes and wanted to be more open and friendly and open.
I was carrying this sentiment early into the relationship I didn’t want to cut people off because of my relationship with her. I’d already done this and ended up isolated after we had stopped talking. I think this is why she feels so insecure in the relationship.
If I’d known these actions would have this much impact I’d do it with no hesitation now.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This sounds like a toxic relationship between you two. She can’t trust you and you feel guilty about it. You two are very young.
It would best be to break up – so this kind of treatment won’t get stuck and won’t ruin future relationships for any of you. Even if you love her and she you, it would be healthier for the both of you to start somewhere new.
If it isn’t the social media account today that breaks you up, it will be something else next week.” Trevena_Ice
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here. You for breaking trust with her. Her for insisting you delete your account. Both of you for not realizing the relationship was over a long time ago.
“I don’t want it to seem like I’m painting her as this control freak for no reason, I’ve kind’ve forced her into this position.” You’re 17. You’re able to see your mistakes. Keep learning & making changes so that your behavior is better in future relationships.
Don’t delete the messages though! Best of luck!” Apart-Ad-6518
Another User Comments:
“‘She’s suggested that if it was really the messages I was worried about then I’d just screenshot them to save. This just really irked me. …wait, why? This is a pretty valid point.
You can delete the account and keep your dead friend’s messages.’ I love this girl and I want her to be able to trust me again. Is this the way? No. She doesn’t trust you because you lied and kept lying, and now seem to still have secret accounts without a good reason why you have them after agreeing not to.
Not being able to talk to female coworkers at all is unreasonable. I’ve no idea how she would know if you say two words while you’re at work, but whatever. You aren’t getting that trust back, and you shouldn’t live with those boundaries. Which makes the answer obvious.
I’ll go with NTJ because it sounds controlling, but bordering on ESH depending on whether you are downplaying. I mean it’s suspicious that you claim you can’t even say hello to female coworkers… but also get messages on your phone from them.” User
5. AITJ For Wanting To Share My Concerns About My Friend's Relationship?
“My friend Kara (F32) has been making questionable decisions for the last year.
She ended a long-term relationship and then met someone new called Selim (M23) within a few months. It was casual. After such an intense LTR, she wasn’t ready for anything serious, but she also knew about his immigration status and limited language skills. When they first met, he had a visitor’s visa that was going to expire in a few months.
Since the start, he had been asking her to marry him, which was a red flag for me. I don’t know what his plan was when he first arrived here, but ultimately, he decided to overstay his visa (he’s from a developing country). Within several weeks, he revealed he voluntarily turned himself in at the Home Office and submitted an application for refugee status, which he’s now waiting to hear back about.
In the meantime, she discovered she was pregnant and after seeing medical professionals (OBGYN and counselors), she ultimately decided to keep the baby. She then told him, and he and his family have been supportive; however, her family hasn’t been. Her mum was a single parent and had suffered from mental health issues for years.
She’s tried to be supportive, but she goes between knitting outfits for the baby and advising Kara to end her pregnancy. She also tells her that her friends are saying she should leave Selim and end her pregnancy immediately. When Kara told her sister the news about her pregnancy, she cursed her out and said she was an idiot.
Kara recently told me she married Selim in a religious ceremony (but not a legal one) because it was important to him since they’re now having a baby together. Even worse, Kara was made redundant at work and is now trying to find a temporary role until the baby comes.
Kara never asked for my advice; she only shared with me her pregnancy news, how her family has reacted, and what’s been going on with her and Selim. I’ve tried to be supportive and haven’t said anything negative, but I’m wondering if as a friend, I should be honest. I’ve told her I’ve been worried about her and the decisions she’s been making, but that’s been all the criticism I’ve given her because she’s gotten a lot of harsh advice from her family already and none of this has changed her mind.
AITJ if I tell her what I think, which is that she’s making a huge mistake to have a baby with a guy who doesn’t speak her language fluently and hasn’t been working. I’m not even sure how she plans to support her child if she’s unemployed herself.
I know it’s not my place to dictate if she has the baby, gives the baby up for adoption, or ends her pregnancy, but I feel like her life is chaos right now and she’s running around putting out fires instead of thinking about her life in the long run.
Or is it better to just keep my mouth shut?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You are worried about her. You can share your concerns as long as you do it in a well-meaning way and are clear you will support her choice, you just want her to look at all her choices.
And maybe, without anyone knowing, report his overstay. He may not have self-reported it and is just trying to wear her down to legally marry him.” Fearless_Ad1685
4. AITJ For Confronting My Sister About Her Jokes?
“I went to dinner w/my sister & she brought up how she had a couple of Latino men at her house.
One joked that white people smell like ham & she thought it was funny & jokingly asked what other races smell like. I rolled my eyes because I never knew what she was going to say as she got a kick out of offending people.
20 years ago I stopped talking to my parents & sis because they were so ignorant. My sis & I know we are different in our political/human rights views. We live 1 hour away from each other & keep in touch by having conversations over Snapchat video messages.
When she saw my reaction she got upset & said THEY were the ones who started making jokes so why is it a problem? I said I worry what will happen if you say the wrong thing in front of people/people who don’t take it well.
She said she doesn’t go around freely saying these things. I said it’s good you don’t go around saying stuff like this but how am I supposed to know how you act in all social situations? She says she never questions my character because she knows I’m a good person & thought this was mutual. I say I know she’s good but she says a lot of cringey things & some might not take it well.
She says it’s for comedy & do I even like comedy & does everything offend me?
It didn’t go over well. The conversation kept on, she stepped back on her tone, got calm & said she wouldn’t say stuff like this around me again. My insides were tingling – I was triggered because of how I stopped talking to her & my parents years ago.
I explained & she said I can’t blame her for things she did when she was little. I said I got it, but I had no family for years. She says she thought I was a safe place because I’m her sis & she’s said stuff like this over Snap & I don’t react.
I just didn’t want to fight about it/lose her again over racism/different views.
I couldn’t shake my feelings & was sad about how the evening went. She said “You won’t let it go. You’re toxic.” I said, “I’m toxic?” She said, “You called me ignorant” I told her, “I never said -insert her name-, you’re racist. We were discussing racism.” She didn’t understand.
At this point, I get up to leave & go home. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My mom would intentionally try to trigger me when I would say something “woke” or confront her about her racism. She’d just buckle down until I got upset and then try to backpedal. I’ve been NC with her for almost three years now.
Cut your losses with people like this. Maybe your absence will help them self-reflect, regardless their absence will give you more peace.” Glittering-Pizza1951
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are going to have to have a different kind of conversation with her though if you want this to change.
Right now you’re letting some things go in the name of “family.” But the messaging to her is inconsistent and you’re going to go around and around. The reality is she’s serving up the same tired excuses everyone does when they want to say racist things but not pay a price for it.
You already see all this. You’ve got to rip the bandaid off and either speak up every time, with equal patience and love, and remind her that you want a relationship but that even if she doesn’t intend to be racist, you aren’t a safe space for that kind of thing.
It might take years and more patience than you think you have. But it does work and it’s sort of part of deconstruction of racism that anyone of privilege needs to do. Good luck, OP.” vinnie_barbell_ino
3. AITJ For Calling Out My Mom's Friend's Daughter For Bringing Outside Food To A Party?
“My mom and her work friend hang out often outside of work, and our respective families tag along so we all know each other semi-well.
My mom and her close work friend recently hosted a small business party at a brewery together. They reserved multiple tables at the threshold of the inside-outside part of the venue and they got multiple plates of chips pretzels etc. I (20F) was hanging out at one of the tables with my dad when my mom’s work friend’s daughter Danielle(16F) walked in with a huge paper bag.
I assumed this was a gift for my mom or something until she proceeded to pull out two full plates of food and a drink from the adjacent food court. I pointed out the multiple no outside food/drinks signs Danielle had walked past and she said she hadn’t noticed the signs.
I told her she might get yelled at or kicked out for having outside food and everyone laughed it off.
About 5 minutes later a server walked up to Danielle and told her that outside food wasn’t allowed. I laughed at her and told Danielle “I told you so.” Later I noticed her sneak sips of her drink, and when she finished it she left the empty drink on the table.
This is where I may have been the jerk. When I noticed the empty drink on the table I leaned in and told her that if she didn’t pick it up when she left I would “freak out”, because when I worked as a server I would have to pick up the empty Starbucks people brought in EVERY DAY.
Danielle proceeded to tell me that wasn’t her problem. I was pretty POed by that, but I just stopped talking to her and chatted with my dad.
My dad and Danielle’s dad were talking about it later and they seemed to think that since this was a party that was bringing in a lot of funds to the brewery the servers shouldn’t have brought up the outside food.
They also called me a “rule follower” for bringing up the issue in the first place.
I have a lot of customer service beef from work so I am open to the idea that I may have been bringing some baggage into the situation. I do very much need to hang out with Danielle again so I need to work this out on my own as much as possible.
Please let me know: was I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. She shouldn’t have brought the stuff in, but the staff handled it. In what way does threatening to “freak out” and cause a scene to rectify the situation? Next time just decline to attend an event if she’s there if it bothers you that much.
Trying to outjerk a jerk isn’t suddenly going to make her have any manners.” Kasparian
Another User Comments:
“You’re the jerk. You pointed out the no external food and drink signs and you should have left it at that. It’s up to the establishment to enforce its rules, not its guests.
Saying “I told you so”, threatening to “freak out” and then getting POed because a teenager quite rightly pointed out that your work issues aren’t her problem was childish of you. You will need to apologize to Danielle.” Equivalent-Board206
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Danielle was wrong to violate the venue’s rule, but you were wrong to threaten to throw a hissy fit about it.
Making sure she knew the rules and asking her to follow the rules were fine. You just took it too far. Your dad is a jerk for taking her side and saying rule follower as if it were a bad thing. ” ShiloX35
2. AITJ For Leaving My Band Via Group Text?
“I (F23) sent my band a long text in our group chat about me leaving the group. Currently, it was myself on drums, our singer (M26), and our guitarist (M22).
There were 3 points. They were that
A) I had been having some mixed feelings about the group and chemistry, the singer and guitarist were getting into fights about logistics and rehearsals often before our last major gig.
I’m trans, and some jokes and comments from our singer have rubbed me the wrong way in the past (nothing major like blatant misgendering, to be clear). Additionally, I had been running into other musicians that have been with this group before (they went through 4 or 5 other drummers before me) and they told me I should be wary.
B) I was realizing that my solo project that I had been doing for a few years before which I had put down for this was ultimately more creatively fulfilling, and I was missing dedicating time to it.
C) As my plate is filling up, I didn’t feel like I could push that aside to make time for band and solo work.
The reaction to the text was very negative, insisting I should have made a call. When I called the singer he called me a coward and a liar for being indecisive/and not making my trepidation clear enough before this point. He also accused me and one of the other queer musicians he played with before that I talked to of trying to cancel him.
He said the band would probably be done and that I messed it all up.
He sent me a message later that day telling me to never talk to him again, even though I tried to be clear in my message I didn’t have any ill will towards them or their music.
Today at work, the singer, who is on the same job site as me, avoided me and even hid my bowl and chopsticks I usually use for lunch in the break room from me.
I understand that I didn’t make my trepidation and ensuing burnout super clear to them before this message and it probably came as a shock.
I want to recognize that feeling blindsided and hurt by it is valid. However, I’d only been with the band for four or so months and we’d only played three gigs. I was not expecting to be yelled at over the phone and harassed at work.
AITJ and getting my just desserts?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ the fact they’ve gone through so many drummers is a red flag on its own, but combined with everything else especially including the jokes and the singer trying to accuse you of “canceling” him makes me happy you’re out of there.
Good luck and I hope that the singer doesn’t cause you any major trouble at work” robinmitchells
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Listen, hun. I’m also a trans woman, and sometimes you have to keep yourself safe, you know? You made a decision, and you did your best to communicate that to the band healthily and communicatively.
It’s not your responsibility to regulate their emotions. Plain and simple. I’m proud of you for keeping yourself safe” Skye_hai_bai
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here. This is a message best delivered in person. Not in a group text. It’s fair to leave the band.
You do you. But less is more. No need to provide such extensive information that is accusatory. Mentioning the gossip is pointless. Learn the art of using fewer words to get your point across. Because a long accusatory text just invited arguing and feedback. You can’t level accusations and then expect them to not respond.
They are jerks for causing issues in the workplace.” superfastmomma
1. AITJ For Not Allowing My Cousin to Tip My Partner?
“I (26F) am not American, I just moved to America a few years ago from South Asia. Tipping is a very American thing, but I’ve grown used to it, and I make sure I tip well whenever I’m in the USA.
I understand how important it is, especially since my partner (27F) is a bartender and survives on tips. Back in my country however, tipping is not a thing, and it is seen as a very offensive thing if you try to give someone funds for something they do for you when they are not asking for funds in return.
Especially if it is between friends or family members, you don’t offer them a tip if they do something for you, because it is seen as a power play like “Oh I’m paying you so you are essentially my worker”….that’s the kind of message it sends so it is an offensive power play thing to do in my culture.
The problem is, I have a cousin Nisha who still lives back in Asia was visiting me in the USA last week, and I took her to my partner’s bar since it is within walking distance from our house and the only open place.
Nisha is not a very close cousin of mine, but she and I are around the same age and have a history of being competitive with each other. I’ve had her in my life since I was a child so I still see her occasionally, but she always tends to put me down whenever she can, for example making sure the family knows that I’m seeing a bartender while she is seeing an engineer, etc.
Anyways Nishal and I had drinks at the bar, and I wasn’t expecting her to tip, but she pulled out her wallet to pay for the drinks, and then also grabbed a $5 and a $10 bill and asked me “How much I should tip your girl?”.
I said no. I knew there was a layer of meaning to what she was doing and I said we were fine and she didn’t need a tip.
Well, my partner complained that my cousin was cheap and didn’t give her a tip afterward I told her what had happened, and my partner was upset she missed out on the potential $10.
I told her I could give her $10, $20, or $30 if she wanted, I just didn’t want to accept money from my cousin. But she didn’t get it, and now I’m the jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ Your partner already gave you the answer.
She doesn’t care about all this culture and background. She could’ve had an extra $10 and you intercepted and prevented that. Even if Nishal was being rude or whatever, your partner doesn’t care… she’s now $10 richer, and her rude cousin is $10 poorer. Some people are more than happy with that outcome.
Except you intercepted and prevented that. Even if you give your partner $10, it doesn’t make your rude cousin $10 poorer. It makes YOU $10 poorer. Not the same thing. You also chose on behalf of your partner without consulting her over it. YTJ.” Thortok2000
Another User Comments:
“YTJ Your cousin was trying to follow American customs. You told your cousin to stiff your partner. Stop going to her place of employment if you are going to tell your friends and family to stiff your partner when she’s working. >Well my partner complained that my cousin was cheap and didn’t give her a tip afterward I told her what had happened and my partner was upset she missed out on the potential $10.
I told her I can give her $10, or $20, or $30 if she wants… You could have covered the tip, that’s what makes you the jerk.” Peony-Pony
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your cousin was visiting the US and she should have followed US customs and tipped, *as she meant to do all along.* You made this all about yourself when it had nothing to do with you: the money wasn’t going to *you*, it was going to your partner.
If you were the one working, you could have refused a tip from a family member if they’d tried to give it to you. But you can’t make that choice on your partner’s behalf. You should apologize to your partner.” fizzbangwhiz
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