People Learn About Themselves In These “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
22. AITJ For Registering My Neglected Sister In A Homeschool Program?
“A few months ago, my father, mother, and younger sibling moved in with me. At their previous place, my father was multiple months behind on rent, electricity, and water, and his job was continuing to cut his pay and his hours. I offered to let him move in with me (two hours away) since I had enough bedrooms, he just needed to pay 1/2 of the bills when he got a new job.
Time goes on, and he gets a new job and he is paying half of the bills. My finances are great now! But then I noticed some big things my parents were neglecting, the main one being my sister’s education.
When they moved in with my younger (16) sister, they didn’t sign her up for school until it was too late and she would have failed. So I registered her for a home study and got a homeschool curriculum for her (with permission from my father).
My mother had an absolute meltdown. Accused me of stealing her daughter from her and trying to be her mother. I was called some seriously horrible names (stupid jerk, conniving jerk, etc), and all I wanted to do was keep my younger sister from failing 10th grade. AND keep in mind my mom and dad would have possibly gotten in trouble with the law due to unexcused absences and not signing her up for a new school.
Now anytime the topic of my sister’s education comes up my mother starts to accuse me of trying to “replace” her as my sister’s mother. I know that this is a big deal, but I was only trying to do what was best for my sister. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – in my state, failing to register a child 16 or under can get you 10 days in jail. You did the right thing. Remind your mom that either it’s jail or homeschool. Just tell her you knew how busy and stressed she was and you were trying to help.
“Gee, Mom, I could’ve let you go to jail, but I thought I was doing you a favor. Btw, get out of my apartment.” Ding Dong Done!” Deedy123
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What.the.heck. Your mom couldn’t be bothered to get her daughter into school then has a fit when someone else does?
Is there some reason she doesn’t want your sister to get an education? The only other explanation I can imagine is that she’s ashamed she didn’t do what you did first, so she’s lashing out at you. Either way NTJ. Look out for your sister.” sparkledotcom
Another User Comments:
“I’d be like if she doesn’t want anybody to replace her as a mother, then do her job as a mother. Also. Tell her to go harass your father because he gave the instructions so maybe he wants to be both father and mother. And finally.
Start eviction proceedings on her? If she can’t treat you properly in your home… I might be overreacting and my advice probably sucks. But NTJ.” [deleted]
21. AITJ For Refusing To Sell My Crochet Beanies At A Discount For My Friend To Resell?
“I crochet regularly. I have crocheted for years. Stuffed animals, blankets, beanies, Halloween costumes, etc. I’ve only recently in the last year started selling things I make.
I sold a few beanies to a friend at a discount price since she was a friend. She wanted them for her kids. That was a few months ago and I haven’t thought about it since.
Right now I’m preparing for the Halloween season so I have some pre-made things ready to go for Halloween.
My friend came to me saying how she’s gotten so many compliments on the beanies I sold her.
I told her that’s great that people like them. She then said she’s had a lot of her other friends that want beanies. I did tell her that if they wanted any she could tell them to contact me through a social media platform to order.
She said that she wanted to buy them from me at the price she paid for hers and then sell them to her friends for a higher price.
I was kind of shocked at this suggestion and just kind of gave a small laugh. I honestly didn’t know how to respond.
She went on to say how she could advertise my beanies to bring in more sales and how she could take the orders. I told her that I do orders a certain way and I like to interact with a customer to know exactly what they want.
She said it would help her out as she’s currently unemployed and could use the extra money.
Then she started showing me pictures of beanies her friends had requested. I told her I couldn’t make them and if people wanted to order to contact me through a social media platform.
She seemed a bit upset and hasn’t said anything to me in a few days. So AITJ for not selling her the beanies to resell to people?”
Another User Comments:
“Wait she wants you to give her a discount so she can take a cut for herself? Does she hear how that sounds when the words leave her mouth? I wouldn’t be surprised if she hasn’t been taking credit for the ones she already has which is why she’s so insistent on her friends buying through here plus she can dictate the price.
Absolutely NTJ this woman isn’t your friend she’s trying to pull a fast one on you.” Icy-Enthusiasm-2719
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your friend is responsible for looking after her own life, & the fact that she plans to capitalize on your skills & exploit your relationship with her means she isn’t much of a friend.
On a side note, did you know machines cannot replicate crochet? Too many loops & swoops, it confuses them. So you’re actually an artisan! You should charge your friend as much as your work is actually worth.” Far_Anteater_256
Another User Comments:
“No, no, no! Do not even consider this sort of slavery!
She’ll demand you work more and faster. She’ll demand a lower price to increase her profits. Crocheting isn’t hard, (yes, I do it myself) if she wants to sell the items, she can make her own, since she’s unemployed, she has plenty of time. You are NTJ.” InternationalKick126
20. AITJ For Throwing Out My Ex's Stuff After She Ignored My Messages?
“I, 18 male, was seeing a girl up until a couple of months ago. After a huge argument one night, she left in a huff with a few clothes and her devices.
She called me the next day to say that we are done and she doesn’t want to be with someone like me. I asked her to come collect the rest of her things and she said she would think about it.
1 week passes. Then 2. Then 3. Then 4. And still no answer every time I call her to get her to pick up the rest of her stuff.
After 6 weeks I was having a clear out of all my old stuff and decided to text her one last time to see if she would come and get her stuff and if not I would dump it.
After a week, she still hasn’t replied and so I called it and put some in the charity shop, some to the thrift shop and the rest in the bin.
I worked on the principle that, she’s had 7 weeks to get her stuff and she hasn’t so clearly she doesn’t need it.
2 days later she comes to my house pounding on the door calling me a vandal for throwing out her stuff without her permission and even giving her a warning.
I told her I messaged her multiple times and she ignored it so I didn’t think you wanted it. She called me a jerk and that I had no right. I explained that if you wanted it that bad you should have come and gotten it.
She has since sent me lists of messages calling me a thief and vandal.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Keep all your text messages regarding your efforts to contact her to get her things. Print out a call log history from the date you broke up to the date you threw out her stuff and highlight all your outgoing phone calls to her.
Keep that in a folder. If you can print the text chain do that also. If she goes to the police, your defense is that she abandoned her property and you show them all the efforts you made to get her to pick things up.” Substantial_Bench102
Another User Comments:
“My partner is still waiting over 3 years for her ex to come get his stuff. Like an expensive stereo..a ham operator equipment.. boxes of tools..piles of nice clothes. We couldn’t care less if he ever comes for them because we’re moving somewhere else and we’re just going to leave his stuff behind.
At first, I was going to put all his stuff in storage and pay for the first month and tell him he has 30 days to get it.” Anxious-Dealer4697
Another User Comments:
“You asked her to come get her things and she said she “would think about it?” Haha, what? NTJ, you gave her plenty of time and warnings to come get her crap.
If she’s mad that you did exactly what you said you would do for several weeks, well, stupid games I guess.” ModernWolfman
19. AITJ For Not Hearing My Phone While Busy And Locking My Partner Out?
“I (27 f) didn’t hear my phone. He (26 m) texted. He called. He knocked. He messaged me on social media. The baby was crying. The kids were watching TV. I was packing because we are going on a trip this weekend to see his mom. I didn’t have my phone next to me.
It was on vibrate. He was on break from lunch and had an interview to go to, so it was time-sensitive.
He was outside fixing a light on his car for ten minutes before he tried to get inside and the door was locked so he started trying to contact me.
He didn’t bring a key. He regularly forgets it. I have always promptly unlocked it for him before. I was in the back of the house and there’s a fence so he couldn’t knock on a window to get my attention. He did however think to connect to the TV and turn it on.
That got my attention. So I went to my phone to see why it turned on. That’s when I saw he called 17 times.
He pushed past me when I opened the door, and he stormed into the shower. He slammed the bathroom door. I had just put the baby to bed. The baby was crying again.
He got out and was still angry. He said, “I’ve been outside sweating for twenty minutes.” He had first contacted me ten minutes ago.
He said, “I was fixing the light in my car. Sweating my rear off for you. I can’t be the only one that answers calls. This is not the first time this has happened.” It is the first time.
“Yesterday you hung up the phone on me.” The call dropped. “You said you were busy.” I was busy with the kids and the baby at the pool. I told him I felt like he doesn’t think what I’m doing is important and I should be waiting by the phone for him.
He said no I just want you to answer your phone.
So, I told him he can’t act like this. He said fine I’m done here and left in my car because his doesn’t have A/C and he didn’t want to be sweating for his interview.
I might be the jerk because I should have had my sound on.
He doesn’t usually get upset like this. Maybe I’m not giving him enough validation that he is important to me?
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! I can see why he’d be frustrated because he was stuck outside and needed to get to his interview. But you have perfectly reasonable reasons for not answering right away (in the backyard, etc).
Knowing time was important, why didn’t he ensure he had his key with him when he went outside in case of any mishap? If he “regularly forgets it” that’s on him, not you. And if he’s fixing a light in his car, how is that “sweating his rear off for you”?” stroppo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he’s acting like you did this on purpose. He was the one who forgot his keys, but you get blamed? Then he goes and throws a tantrum and wakes your napping baby up? What is wrong with him? I get it’s frustrating being out in the heat, but he has no one to blame except himself.
He needs to apologize to you and learn how to process his emotions without taking them out on you.” Interesting_Mind1113
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have some real cause for concern, though. Especially given that the problem was of his own making at the “this isn’t the first time this has happened” thing when it was.
If you do nothing else, start keeping a journal of occurrences like this in case the next step is “that never happened” and “You’re always making up drama”. Think of your kids- if this happens again, is this an environment you can conscience keeping them in?” [deleted]
18. AITJ For Not Inviting My Adult Stepkids On A Child-Oriented Vacation?
“I have been married to my wife Vanessa for three years, but we’ve been together for 8. We have a daughter together, Maybelle (4f) but we both have children from previous relationships. Her son David (28m) lives with his partner, but her daughters, Becky (24f) and Jane (23f), and my sons William (14m) and Max (10m) spend half of their time with us and half with their other parents.
My sister lives near the coast and is constantly trying to get me to visit and suggested a fairly cheap, family-orientated holiday park within an hour from her. By family-orientated they actually mean child-orientated, and young children at that. However, Vanessa and I still thought it would be good to get away for a long weekend and thought Maybelle would like it, so we decided to go.
I spoke to my ex and invited my sons. Honestly, I was surprised that William was interested, but both decided that they wanted to come. Max and Maybelle had a blast and it was nice to see my sister and her kids.
When we returned, Vanessa and I were printing out some of the photographs that we’d taken when we were quizzed by Becky and Jane.
They thought it was unfair that we had been on a family holiday without them. My wife and I explained that it didn’t really seem like their sort of thing, but they are still insulted that they didn’t at least get an invite. They also seem insulted on David’s behalf, although I don’t know if he has an opinion.
AITJ? Should we have invited my stepkids?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – They’re adults, they could choose to go on their own anytime. It’s a children’s activity as well, which makes it all the more confusing as to why they’re trying to guilt you for taking just your younger kids.
Them being offended on David’s behalf makes even less sense, they can’t presume to know how anyone else feels and use it in arguments with others. Not if they want to sound sensible anyway. When they go to their other parents’ home you don’t get upset at their “family” activities over there, it sounds immature and a bit entitled of them to expect every family activity at your place to need to include two adults living elsewhere as well.” 3tzamani
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Those “kids” are well into their 20s and their expectation that they will always be invited to family vacations paid for by their parents is not in touch with reality. It’s one thing if you invite them, but they shouldn’t expect to be invited every time.
Because that would have significantly increased the cost of the trip to sleep more adults, not to mention change the tone of the family vacation that was geared towards younger kids. They likely just want to have something to whine about. Ignore them. Sounds like it was a great holiday for you!” Canning-mama-1998
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The stepdaughters are adults and don’t have to be taken along on a vacation with the younger children – especially since these aren’t even their relatives so it is doubtful that they have developed a close relationship with your sister after three years especially since they were adults when you married. There has to be a back story because I have never heard of adult children “splitting” custody – what is the point since adults generally have their own life and neither parent has custody.” Jujulabee
17. AITJ For Scaring A Misbehaving Kid To Spite His Mom After She Fat-Shamed Me?
“I (32m) am pretty overweight. 320lbs. Important later.
I received a text from my mom while walking home from some errands that my cousin had passed away unexpectedly.
This was the second unexpected death in my family in two weeks and I was just broken.
Ended up stopping at a burger joint on my way home because I knew I wasn’t going to be making myself dinner in the mood I was in. While waiting in line, there was a young boy who was acting up.
Running around, grabbing straws and napkins, trying to push the buttons on the fountain. He was pretty young, but old enough that he should know better. His mom snapped and hissed at him “If you don’t start behaving that big fat man is going to grab you and take you away,” while pointing at me.
Her words stabbed pretty hard. I’ve been fighting my backside off to lose weight that I’ve had since I was a kid, and have had moderate, slow success. I was just in the worst state of mind to be dealing with fat shaming but bit my tongue.
The kid behaved for a few minutes, but soon was running up and down the aisles again and I was at my boiling point.
When he ran past my booth I lunged towards him, arms wide and fingers waggling, and shrieked like a banshee “BOOOLOOLOOLOOLOO!”
This kid went into full survival mode. Screaming, crying, and tripping over himself trying to get back to his mom, who stormed over and started berating me. I said something about having to do her parenting for her, she slung more insults about my body.
I went home after.
Afterward, I felt pretty bad. Not for the stuff I said to the mom, but for the sheer terror I gave the kid.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I was in Kroger one day and saw this little toddler get away from their grandma and she’s in one of those motorized carts.
I heard her tell him that if he doesn’t come back a stranger was going to swoop him up, so I pointed at myself and him and as soon as he went to run by me I caught him. I walked him over to his grandma she laughed and said see I told you so.
I knew she wasn’t going to be able to catch him and we were close to the door so I was willing to risk a bad reaction.” Equivalent_Sector786
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk, though I can understand why you weren’t at your best, OP, and I don’t really blame you.
I’m sorry for your losses. I think you’re right not to feel good about your response, though. The comments on this one are a bit gross, to me. This sub seems to fall into a habit sometimes of approving any kind of behavior as long as someone on the receiving end of it did something worse first. Lots of comments basically saying it’s okay to scare a kid if his mom is rude or he’s being annoying.
I disagree. It was super gross of that kid’s mom to make that remark about you, OP and her parenting sucks. She should’ve made more of an effort to control her kid, and done it in a healthy way.
However, you indicated that you scared the kid to spite his mom, not just because you were sick of him running around.
If it was about the mom’s behavior, take it up with her; don’t take it out on her kid. Even if you had simply been sick of the kid’s behavior, though, scaring the kid isn’t a good way to teach him how to behave. (Generally, if you have a problem with what a kid is doing in public, civilly tell them why they should stop/change what they’re doing.
If they won’t stop/change, take it up with whoever is responsible for them.) Moreover, you might have reinforced the mom’s “fat people are bad” nonsense in the kid’s mind (and his mom’s) by scaring him after she singled you out as someone to be feared. So, all around not great, but again, I don’t blame you, OP.
I hope it becomes easier soon to live with your grief.” mizireni
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk, but one is clearly worse than the other. I don’t even disagree with the way you reacted, it was pretty justified and I don’t blame you for having no patience for people’s nonsense after what you’re going through, but it was definitely a jerk move to freak a little kid out like that.
That said, the Mum is a complete jerk, making snide remarks about a stranger, letting her kid run rampant and then getting mad at said stranger for playing along with something she started? Total jerk. At the end of the day, the mum was the one deserving of your anger, not the child.” TaleOfDash
16. AITJ For Not Including My Stepchild In My Will?
“I (f) am engaged to my fiancé (m). I am pregnant and will be giving birth in about a month. We’re all very excited for the new baby. In my family, there is a tradition that whenever someone has the first grandchild the parent is gifted something large by the grandparents.
My parents are divorced and decided they would gift me the vacation home they had together. It’s a nice vacation home and was previously just being used by each of them separately on off years.
Since my fiancé and I already own our own home this house will still be used as a vacation home.
My fiancé’s name will not be on the deed of this house and it will be solely mine. Our prenup agreement will also include this home. (We both are coming into the marriage owning several properties.)
This is where I might be the jerk. We went to sit down with the attorney and my fiancé is going to split everything evenly that he owns between the two children.
I had it listed that everything I came into the marriage with would be given to my biological child only.
He thinks I’m the jerk. I didn’t see it that way because he and his ex have made it very clear I am not their mother and will never have any say about their child (they included financial decisions as well which I completely agreed to unless my money was being included).
My mother-in-law said she understands my point so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Each child will (presumably) be receiving inheritances from both biological parents. Your child is in your will & in their father’s. His elder child is in his will and presumably his ex’s. I am betting that your husband’s ex-wife doesn’t intend to distribute her estate between the two children.
It’s even less likely that her parents would mention your biological child(ren) in the disposition of their estates. That you have been told clearly that you will have essentially no role in your stepchild’s life is almost irrelevant but an interesting example of these folks wanting it both ways.
When it comes to divvying up your stuff you’re supposed to treat the children equally but you’re not to have any influence while you’re alive.” rapt2right
Another User Comments:
“I think you are saying that you are each going to split your assets among your own biological children. It’s just that he has one other without you.
Make sure that you have your own lawyer, separate from his, review your prenup. And make sure that it covers that any money used for its upkeep is considered a gift to you from the marital community. Oh, and maybe put the house into a trust that your baby can’t access until she’s 21 so her father doesn’t steal if the worst happens.
NTJ. But fiance’s motives are extremely suspect. What he is suggesting is just not the normal way things are done. His kids have two parents. Your kid has two parents. His other kids don’t get to inherit from 3 parents.” Aylauria
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your will provides for your heir and represents your current relationship with your stepchild.
Nothing stops you from amending your will in the future if you grow close to your stepchild, despite not acting as a parental figure. This is just the first of what is likely to be many examples of your kids having different experiences. What is your fiance going to do when your parents’ gifts or trips only extend to your biological child?
What about your stepchild’s college? Or private schools and activities? If your biological child becomes heavily involved in an expensive sport would you be expected to match those funds for something your stepchild would want to do?” Letters_from_summer
15. AITJ For Defending My Sister Against Our Brother's Body Shaming Comments?
“I (22f) have a brother (20) and a sister (19). My brother has always been a vindictive jerk towards my sister.
He’s always making passive-aggressive comments towards her for no reason. My sister does not fight back, because she’s a peaceful person and doesn’t like conflict. I on the other hand will put my brother in his place without hesitation.
He knows not to bother me, I’ve put him in his place many times, figuratively and physically.
During this time, my sister gained a significant amount of weight, which she is working on. She’s eating healthy and working out. I’m very proud of her, she’s doing good and has lost a little weight in the 2 months she’s changed her lifestyle.
Two days ago my jerk of a brother made an inappropriate comment about my sister along the lines of “women as big as you shouldn’t dress like that, the public doesn’t want to see all those rolls.
You should dress your weight”.
He was very bold saying something so idiotic in front of me. My brother is also not skinny or muscular. He was also big and now is a little less big, so I’m not understanding where he got the audacity to say that.
My back was facing him, so I turned around and told him, “first of all you’re fat, big and round.
You have zero muscle, just fat, and have the audacity to say something about her weight”.
He got up and started walking away because he knew I was about to go off on him. I went after him and told him he was a big foolish jerk who needed to let go of his ego.
He walked into the bathroom and slammed the door, so I went back to my sister, to see if she was alright, she was crying and obviously not okay.
This coward had to get his mommy involved instead of just apologizing to his younger sister for saying something so hurtful.
He literally can’t problem-solve himself, always has to have his mom involved.
My mom obviously siding with him, because he’s her little boy. She’s calling me a vindictive mean girl. I’m not vindictive, relentless maybe. I don’t go after people for no reason. My brother is already 20 and is still a jerk.
He has no manners and it was completely deserved. Both of my parents are treating me like the bad guy and my brother like the victim, as usual. They’re not even paying an ounce of attention to my sister who constantly has to hear comments about her physical appearance.
If he doesn’t want to be insulted he shouldn’t insult other people. I might’ve gone too far by going after him, which I knew was wrong and I feel really bad for stooping to his level, but someone has to defend my sister. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If he doesn’t want that being said to him he shouldn’t say something similar to others. People know when they gain weight and they don’t always feel good about it. But seeing as you described him, seems he needs a taste of his own medicine. But that’s just my opinion.
It’s good that you recognized going after him wasn’t the best idea – I agree with this. But I also know in the heat of the moment, emotions take over. Also, your parents seem to be enablers. They enable his behavior and don’t seem to be correcting it. Shame on them.
I would hope that maybe after this situation though, everyone can sit down and set boundaries.” overlythoughts
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Harsh truths come flying out when people are deliberately mean. My big fat, round, and unhealthy ex once called me a hippopotamus. He could lose 100 pounds and not lose that apple shape.
As tempted as I was I didn’t point out that he was actually the fat, disgusting pig. I never forgave him for it. He thought was ‘overreacting’ when I was actually being kind. If the topic came up today, I wouldn’t care who was around – I’d let him have it.” Exact_Purchase765
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for defending your sister. As the eldest, it’s right that you intercede on her behalf. And bro is a humongous jerk, no doubt. But soft YTJ by making his weight an issue, though I know it was his hypocrisy you were drawing attention to. I think you risk reinforcing the perception that being overweight is worthy of criticism.” deathtofumanchu
14. AITJ For Not Wanting Any Overnight Guests After Giving Birth?
“I (25F) and my husband (26M) are due in October with our first baby.
My mom lives in the same state as us, as his mom lives on the other coast. Since I’ve been pregnant we’ve talked about his family also coming when I give birth. His mom and I have a good relationship.
Today, he brought up that his mom asked him if she should really come because she didn’t want to intrude.
I told him that she should and that there would be no problem with her coming and being around us and the baby after I give birth. However, he then said “that’s what I told her and it’s not like she’d have to get an Airbnb” to which I responded, “well yes she would”.
He got all upset and didn’t understand why.
While I would love to have his mom around us when the baby is born, I would not want ANYBODY spending nights at our place right after we come home. I wanted that to just be our moment. He got all upset and started saying that in that case my mom couldn’t stay for long either and all that.
I told him I didn’t want anybody spending the night (not my mom, not his, nobody). We don’t have a guest room but even if we did I figured we would be overwhelmed enough and the last thing I’d want is to have someone sleeping here. I have had no issues with her staying over when she’s visited, she’s family and to me, family should always be hosted where we live but I think that right after I give birth and with a newborn at home it’s completely different.
Am I being a jerk? I thought it was obvious and reasonable of an ask but I don’t know now because of how bad he made it seem?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, what you want is completely reasonable. Be mindful of your husband’s actions from now on, because they’ll tell you what his real character is.
Most men don’t show their true face until they’re put to the test. I’d also consider whether this mom would be a guest, or a support and help for you. The latter wouldn’t be an entirely bad idea, provided you first have enough time alone as you deem necessary with your new baby.
But it also might mean he’s not planning on pulling his weight and just dumping the carework on his mother. His reaction is definitely a red flag, if he doesn’t see reason soon it may all go downhill from there…” SuccessValuable6924
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. However, I think you should reconsider having either your mother or MIL stay with you for a few days after you give birth.
You might be surprised at how little energy you have right after the birth. Your mother or MIL can help with things around the house, such as doing some cleaning and cooking for you, and perhaps run some errands. She can also take care of the baby some of the time, thus giving you and your husband a chance to get some much-needed rest. If you’re just really insistent though that neither of these women stays with you during the first few days, at the very least I would recommend that you prepare some meals in advance of the birth that can go from the freezer to either the oven or microwave so that you and your husband can avoid eating junk food during those first few days.
If you plan to breastfeed, nutrition will be super important for you. Whatever you decide though, I’m behind you 100%. This is an exciting time for you as you grow your family. Best wishes to you!” napathon
Another User Comments:
“I just had a baby in March. Girl you won’t be able to take a proper crap if you give birth naturally.
Seriously get stool softeners, and not the kind with the laxative. You’re gonna bleed for weeks and not be able to move a whole heck of a lot. ‘Sleep when the baby sleeps’ is nonsense. They like to be held when they sleep in the beginning. My husband and I spent weeks trading off holding our newborn so the other could catch some z’s.
Yes help from people you’re comfortable with is amazing but it’s even better when they go home/leave because then you can be completely yourself with no pressure. When they are there all you really want them to do is dishes, laundry, and some fresh hot food; then all you want is for them to GTFO.
Also, make rules for guest interactions with bub. I spent hours explaining to my mom who works in public health kissing a baby is a no-go. RSV and the flu are not something you want to deal with.” Afoolsjourney
13. AITJ For Being Upset With My Partner For Eating Special Snacks Without Asking?
“My parents live in France most of the time, I live in the UK. They come back 2/3 times a year and when they come here they ask if we want anything from France that you can’t buy here in the UK.
I ordered some special French crackers (Belins), but my partner said he didn’t want anything. We saw my parents yesterday and collected them. Now I bought these for us to share but I wanted to have them together with a drink, they’re super good with a beer, and although they aren’t expensive they’re not available here, we only have 2 boxes and to me, they are a really special food.
I wake up this morning and ask my partner what we have in for breakfast, he says he finished the yogurt and opened the crackers, and had a small amount.
I was really annoyed. He has a bad habit of opening any snacks he wants in the cupboard, eating exactly half, and then saying it’s fine because he’s only had his half.
But then he’ll sit with me while I eat my half and ends up getting some of mine too.
I got annoyed but I know he’s having a bad morning so I just went upstairs and got back on with work. He came to ask me what was wrong – apparently, he didn’t know I would be upset even though we’ve had conversations like this about 100 times over special things I’ve bought that he’s eaten unexpectedly.
I had a go at him and said I feel like I can’t have nice things because he’ll just eat them. He normally finishes all the crisps, biscuits, and chocolate that aren’t special and never replaces them. He said all he did was eat a few crackers and that I was overreacting.
But now they’re open they need eating in the next few days or they won’t be as good and then we’ll have 1 box left.
So AITJ for overreacting? I think I did a bit but he’s done this so many times and I’ll explain I got it for us to have together, he’ll say he understands why I’m upset and won’t do it again and then he just does.
I’m really sick of it and am on the verge of hiding nice food I buy.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are NOT overreacting. If he wants to act like he doesn’t understand the problem and communication gets you nowhere – turn the tables. Stop buying any snacks. Eat (or store) your half and be aware when he eats his.
Open everything and eat from it. Never bring tasty stuff yourself. When he calls you petty, say all you did was eat a bit of XYZ and ask where the difference to his behavior is. It is petty. But sometimes we all have blind spots in our behavior. My partner often made a big deal about my small mistakes “how could you spill that?
How can someone be sooo clumsy? I don’t know how this can happen,” not in an angry way, but in a “you are stupid” way. I talked to him, and nothing changed. The next time he spilled I made the same fuss about it. He looked really shocked. He knew exactly what I was doing.
He humbled real quick after that.” CakeEatingRabbit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m in the same situation (except I’m Dutch and live in France) but my partner and I share my bounty I pick up when I’ve visited the motherland. Yes, some of it is very special to me because I can’t get it here.
On the other hand, why not share? He should know better, though, because you’ve mentioned it to him already. On the other hand, I think he might not understand the significance, for him, they’re just crackers, and for you, they’re more special. Perhaps a good talk about this is in order.
Potentially find his favorite snack and uh, do unto him as he does unto you to get the point across.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. To be honest, I am leaning more and more towards all people who would just eat food that isn’t explicitly theirs without permission are giant jerks.
Sure, there are cases where you know the other person won’t care, but how hard is it to simply call/text/talk to the other person to ASK permission first? If there is the slightest bit of doubt (such as ‘I haven’t gotten blanket permission to eat special things from my partner, so maybe I shouldn’t eat her 30$ pint gold leaf infused chocolate chunky ice cream until I ask’) ASK first.” DiegoIntrepid
12. AITJ For Wanting To Disinvite My BIL After His Insensitive Joke?
“I (41F) am hosting a dinner party to celebrate my husband’s (45M) promotion which involves us having to move overseas so he can head up their office there.
It’s a scary move, I admit, as we’ll be far away from friends and family. I’m a sculptor so I can work literally anywhere. That isn’t an issue for me though I’m sad to be leaving my studio behind as I’ve worked in the same space for 15 years.
Because of the move, we’re holding the dinner party to spend some time with all our friends and family as well as celebrating.
I sent a menu out to everyone attending to ensure everyone was fine with it and there was no dietary or allergy conflict. There is no meat on the menu because I’m vegetarian and honestly touching raw meat for cooking disgusts me. I don’t judge others who eat it but it’s not for me.
My brother-in-law (37M) however took issue with this menu and protested the lack of meat, before making a joke about how I needed to become a better cook and not be so squeamish if I was going to be a stay-at-home mom. He then petered off and said he couldn’t call me a stay-at-home mum as I had no kids, then said he guessed I’d be a stay-at-home wife.
I took issue with this for two reasons. It’s no secret in the family that my husband and I have had fertility issues. We tried to have a baby for many, many years and it never happened for us, my one pregnancy resulted in miscarriage. It wasn’t an easy decision to accept that it just wasn’t on the cards for us.
We considered adoption or surrogacy for a while but this was at the time that my career was growing more public and my husband’s workload was growing heavier so a kid wasn’t wise then anyway so we let that dream go. The second issue is, I have a career, I’m not a stay-at-home anything.
This move doesn’t change that.
My husband is just as angry as I am over the joke but he is trying to talk me down from my desire to disinvite his brother, stating that the joke was in very poor taste but that we’ll be leaving soon anyway so we just have to put up with him a bit longer.
I just know though he’s going to be making horrible comments about the menu through the dinner and possibly more “jokes” like that one. I just don’t want him bringing down a happy celebration any further. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This was not a joke – this was an incredibly cruel and cutting comment – made specifically because it would hurt you specifically.
It was not in poor taste – it was in no taste, and it was done on purpose. After this, seeing how your BIL actually feels about you, not only can I see you not wanting him at the dinner, but I can see you not wanting to deal with him at all anymore.
If your BIL is to show up, it isn’t up to you to back down – it should be your BIL groveling to you asking for your forgiveness.” bamf1701
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I think a compromise can be reached. Ask your husband to talk to his brother about what happened. HE should be the one addressing issues with HIS family.
In that communication should be express directions that his brother is not to complain about the food and/or make snarky comments to you during the dinner. Then, if BIL can’t abide by those rules, your husband is the one who should deal with it. If your husband can agree with this, invite the BIL.
If he can’t, BIL doesn’t get to come.” SpaceyAwesome
Another User Comments:
“I am not a sculptor. None of my BILs have made such a comment to me. Other than those two statements, OP – you could be me/I could be you, our lives are that similar. I’m sorry for what you struggled with.
Truly. If anyone in either of our families, for the short duration that I was dependent on my hubby at certain times in my career, dared to say something like your BIL did – I wouldn’t have to lift a finger to say a word. My hubby would EVISCERATE them.
NTJ. Not being gainfully employed while waiting for a break in your career and being a SAH (wife, mom, whatever) are two very different things. Someone needs to educate your BIL about this.” KeepLkngForIntllgnce
11. AITJ For Calling My Husband Blind When He Couldn't Find The Paper Plates?
“We have 2 kids together and have been married for nearly 10 years now. Whenever my husband is trying to find something he can never, ever find it. The peeler is missing, a whole head of cabbage is missing, apple sauce is missing, a rice bag is missing, pants he wants are missing… and I come and viola!
It’s right there. Last night my husband got takeout and I sent him to find some paper plates. I’ve been sick for 2 days, had a fever of 102.3, and have finals and submissions in the next 3 days. This entire semester I’ve been working on my schoolwork from 10 pm to 3 am, while cooking, cleaning, breastfeeding, and taking care of the kids.
The last few days I’ve been slacking and let my mother-in-law take care of it. The fever threw me off loop. It’s not something I anticipated during finals week.
Anyway, I asked my husband to get the paper plates, and he spent 10 minutes and then told me he couldn’t find them and he looked everywhere.
I asked him if he looked in the bathroom closet, and he says yes he did, and he can’t find the pack that’s been opened. I go to the closet, and bang… it’s right there. I hand him the plates and yell out are you blind? He goes and looks and he makes a sheepish smile, and I roll my eyes while I’m trying to get my son to eat something.
Meanwhile, my FIL denies eating, why because I called my husband that. And this morning my husband tells me they are leaving to my BIL’s tomorrow morning because he can’t bear to stay here for one moment. My husband won’t talk to me. And the whole thing is giving me a massive panic attack.
I don’t understand what I did wrong.
My FIL reaction is making me wonder if I’m the jerk. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m going to say this is probably a cultural issue where any woman/wife is not supposed to say anything negative about a male.
If you have boys, are you allowed to discipline them strongly, or are you supposed to take more of a ‘they are boys, leave them alone’ attitude? Plus, you do 100% of the cooking and cleaning, and you likely do 100% of the child-rearing. Your m-i-l had to come and take care of her son and your children because ‘you’ve been slacking’(?!) Does your f-i-l disapprove of you going to school?
Does he think you should be staying home and taking care of your family? I’m going to bet a dollar he does, and that he didn’t want to be there in the first place. All you did by saying something to your husband was give him the excuse he needed to leave.
So don’t take it on yourself. He was probably going to find *something* eventually. Don’t beat yourself up over this.” Lisabeybi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, ok maybe yelling isn’t cool but sometimes enough is enough. My husband has been like this since I know him and it’s one of those things which I gave up trying to fix.
This happens independently of whether I’m there or not, so it’s not like he is taking advantage of me. He literally went crazy many times searching for something while I wasn’t there and just wasn’t able to find the item. He’s definitely not vision impaired, and actually when we go out he notices details about people and buildings which I just don’t see.
I think that our brains are just wired differently.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“There are absolutely real neurological reasons why people can’t “see” things right in front of them. Look up prosopagnosia if you really want your mind blown, it’s something that’s difficult to comprehend even when you technically understand it.
Visual or optic agnosia could be a part of this. It’s rare and I kinda doubt it’s the problem, but it is a possibility. Even more so if your FIL also suffers from similar and lashed out over his embarrassment over it. Is your husband otherwise considerate and does his best?
Or is this kind of manipulation a normal thing for him, and this is just another aspect of that? Don’t think anybody on the internet can really make that call.” Empress_Clementine
10. AITJ For Being Upset That My Sister Changed My Mother's Birthday Plans Last Minute?
“I (32) have been planning all week a dinner and cake for Mother’s Day which is also a joint celebration for my mum’s (59) birthday which was on Friday.
My sister (30) lives 2 hours away and it had been planned for her and her fiance to attend the dinner as I’ve been arranging it all week.
Tonight while I’m at work my mum messaged me telling me my sister has booked us into a dumpling restaurant at 2:30 instead because she ‘doesn’t want a late night’ which is honestly fair enough but it’s literally the night before.
My mum said it’s just easier to accommodate my sister because she doesn’t get to see her as often since she moved and I know my sister being the baby and spoilt will throw a full tantrum so in a way it is easier for me to always have to say yes to ‘keep the peace’.
But my mum said I made her feel sad and is now kinda making me feel like the jerk because I was upset and actually really hurt, I am a chef by trade and I show my love through my food, and it’s just upsetting to have it always just thrown out the window to always make my sister happy, this happens a lot on important days like Birthdays and Christmas it just makes me feel second best if I’m being honest.
AITJ for being upset to throw all my meal plans out the window because my sister lives 2 hours away? To be honest if I had more heads up I would have just made it a lunch instead for everyone if I knew in longer advance.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister had ample opportunity to communicate her preferences directly with you with appropriate notice, but instead, she used your mother as a messenger.
That’s super unfair and puts your mother in an awkward and impossible position. It sounds as though with more notice you’d have been happy to collaborate towards a time and place that worked for everyone. It’s not like your mother’s birthday and Mother’s Day just crept up out of nowhere.
Maybe your mother doesn’t realize how much planning you’ve put into this, but I hope you’re able to make it work somehow.” theflyingprius
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It had been planned for a while. She had plenty of time to say that she didn’t want to stay out late.
You were cooking and she booked a reservation at a restaurant which is definitely not as personal as cooking. If the dinner you planned was too late then she could have picked up food from a restaurant and brought it to your house had lunch with you guys and then your mother could have spent dinner with you while your sister drove home.
Did she have to be back first thing in the morning? Could she have stayed at your house or your mother’s house instead of having to go home and have a late night? There are so many other compromises that could have been made and talked out that it’s insane that this even happened to you.
And I feel for you. Being the oldest and keeping the peace sucks. But my sister lives across the country now and I just completely stopped going to events with my family so I guess I saw that problem. And it’s not right for your mother to make you feel bad that you are hurt because first of all you’re allowed to feel hurt it’s not like she can tell you you can’t.
And she’s hurt that you don’t want to change everything that you put work into? That’s kind of like insane. Communication is definitely key in family relationships and friendships.” Missmouse1988
Another User Comments:
“I have some sympathy for the sister here because it’s 4 hours of traveling for one evening meal – potentially just 2-3 hours spent with the family – and if the meal started at 8 she wouldn’t be home much before midnight.
If they go for lunch instead she can stay for the afternoon and leave at about 8, getting to spend more time with the family and also being home by 10. You all have shoddy communication on this – your sister should have laid out her situation more clearly from the start, but you also should have included her at the planning stages to find out what would make it easier to attend and make sure it’s doable for everyone.
I have a sister who routinely makes plans for the whole rest of the family who live nearer each other, but which I can’t attend. At one point this resulted in me missing out on the only opportunity to see everyone together for an entire year – I understood her reasons but I was heartbroken and it was just that she hadn’t considered the difficulties of the extra travel time for me when she made the plans but thought about equivalent travel challenge was too much for her on other occasions so she didn’t join in.
We don’t know if, for example, the late notice was the result of the sister trying all week to get the Monday off work so she could stay a bit later on Sunday or something. But it’s still a poor show not to keep you all informed if that was the case.
You saying she will “throw a full tantrum” here belittles her needs and might be an echo of childhood interactions rather than trying to understand her legitimate difficulties with the plans you made without her input. Nonetheless, having done all the prep work before she told you, you have every right to be a bit upset with this last-minute change in plan; so I’m going to go with no jerks here but maybe suggest that next time you communicate better when you’re planning.” redcore4
9. AITJ For Not Letting My Sister Lean On Me, But Allowing My Partner To?
“I (M20) have a sister (F26). I am a very picky person about who can touch me, especially in places other than the palm of my hands.
So the only people that I am comfortable with being touched by are my partner, my BFFs, and my parents. Anyone other than that and I just don’t feel comfy. I have made this clear to everyone including my sister. So the problem arose when my family and I were having a get-together kind of thing in a restaurant.
I decided to bring my partner and asked my parents if it was okay and they said yes since she is family as well. My sister decided to bring her partner as well.
So my sister never liked my partner. Especially since she isn’t from my home country and she is very beautiful and about my height (I am 5’10, partner is 5’9).
My sis is really jealous and she sometimes makes comments on how a person who is “ugly” like me decided to get a pretty partner, she also says my partner is controlling and abusive and egoistic (None of this is true).
So in the restaurant, my sister sat beside me on my right, partner sat on my left. There was almost my whole dad’s side of the family except my cousins’ S/Os.
So in the middle of this, my sister leans on my shoulder and I tell her to sit straight, she understands and then sits properly. Then before dessert, my partner decided to lean her whole body onto mine and I wrapped my arms around her. This made my sister mad, and when we reached home, she basically told me I was a jerk for letting a random stranger like my partner lean herself onto me while I did not even allow her to lay her head on my shoulder.
Before I could say anything, she stormed to her room and my parents said it was a jerk move to upset my sister on a good day. Then her partner texted me saying what I did was a jerk move and to apologize to her, but I feel like I did nothing wrong, So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re absolutely NTJ, you’ve told her you don’t like to be touched by just anyone, but you’re alright with a small group of people, which includes your partner, and your sister obviously does not respect that. You don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to, but I am curious: is there a particular reason why your sister isn’t on the “you can touch me” list?
She might be jealous that your parents, partner, and BFF can but she can’t. And talking bad about your partner, and storming off into her room and then sicking her partner on you seems like an extreme hyperbolic reaction, which is why I am willing to believe that this is her lashing out because she’s “not allowed”.
But I’m in no way qualified to talk about such things, so I’ll just reiterate: You are NTJ.” TobbeLQ
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your body, your choice. What I’m more baffled about is how your sister feels like she has or should have any authority over your relationship and how she is weirdly jealous of her brother’s partner and their relationship?
It was very strange for her to try to lean or lay her head on you since her partner was presumably sitting on her other side. Like, are you trying to prove that OP is ‘yours’ to the partner? That’s creep-level strange of your sister. You didn’t do anything wrong and don’t let your sister, parents, or her partner make you think that you did.” moew4974
8. AITJ For Refusing To Change My Cooking Habits After My Wife Became Vegetarian?
“My wife recently informed me of her decision to go vegetarian which I have not questioned morally. I think that everyone should eat what they want to.
The thing is that I love meat and I refuse to drastically change my eating or cooking to accommodate her decision. I often cook in our home so I’ve basically said that I will continue cooking what I like to eat and if it happens to be vegetarian, I’ll cook for her too.
I have no problem eating vegetarian dishes so if she cooks, I will gladly eat it even though it has no meat. I also said that if I like some dishes, I will happily cook them for us if I feel like eating them.
However, nowadays 90% of meals I make contain some sort of meat and I like my cooking and my wife did too.
I might make two types of similar dishes or use meat substitute if I feel like it but I will not feel obligated to when I want meat in it. I also am an active gymgoer and feel like eating vegetarian will affect my progress. She also said that she will cook meat for me so to balance it I will cook substitutes for her sometimes but I just don’t want to cook two meals every time I cook because I’m pretty busy at work and finding time to cook even one meal is hard for me.
I feel like I might be the jerk because I will be able to enjoy both mine and her cooking but if I cook my dishes, she’ll often have to make her own. Also, she said that she’d cook meat for me even though she won’t eat it. So… WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Ok so. I’m vegetarian, but my husband isn’t. I cook a lot. And I don’t cook meat. He doesn’t care. He’s built like a serious Viking, 6’7 and has muscles for days. Think Jason Momoa, because that’s who he looks like.
Anyway, he eats everything I make, he just eats more. I’ve been vegetarian my whole life, so I know what to cook to make sure all those food groups are hit. If he’s ever craving a slab of flesh, he’ll go out and grab one and cook it up.
That happens like, once every few months? He also cooks for us, and he’s absolutely nailed his chickpea curry recipe. Anyway, you can totally go on a health kick and explore this type of cooking with her. It’s actually a lot of fun. Good luck, and don’t forget that you don’t NEED meat to survive or have “gains.”” filthybananapeel
Another User Comments:
“INFO what’s the division of chores in your home? If you’re no longer going to be cooking for her you may have to rethink it if you’re not going to accommodate her. It sounds like you two really need to discuss a compromise. A lot of meals can easily be adapted to veggie with minimal extra fuss.
Substituting burgers and sausages is easy and for some dishes like spaghetti Bolognese, you can prepare the sauce separately and then add the meat/fake meat in different pans. If her chore was laundry and you started going to the gym and creating more dirty clothes would you expect her to absorb what is not really much more work or would you do it yourself?” katherinemma987
Another User Comments:
“OP I feel that there is some middle ground missing here. For example let’s say you’re cooking some kind of meat, making a sauce, and making rice and veggies to go with it. You could cook your meat separately and she could have her substitute protein that she prepares ready to add to her sauce and portion.
In a marriage it’s not always about who is right, it’s about the compromise and the little things that show you care. I go out of my way to do small things for my husband that technically cut into other time I have because I love him and being nice is just a small part of keeping a relationship healthy and functioning.
He does little things for me too. Just separating your cooking so it can be adapted isn’t a huge sacrifice and shows you’re halfway there. So with that, I’d say a soft YTJ.” bibbiddybobbidyboo
7. AITJ For Choosing To Rescue And Care For A Cat Over My Partner?
“I (43F) rescued my neighbor’s cat after they mistreated it, starved it & left it behind when they moved. My partner (44m) told me to take it to a shelter which I did but they told me due to its poor condition & age it would most likely be put to sleep.
So I took the ginger tabbie I now call Charlie home with me & took him to a local vet, he needs a lot of treatment which is going to be expensive, my partner & I had been planning on going on our first holiday (we’ve only been together 6 months, not moved in yet) & I said I’d rather spend my money on Charlie’s treatment.
My partner got mad & said I cared more about the cat than him & I should just dump it at the cat shelter & let them deal with it. I said no I’d always wanted a cat, but my ex-husband was allergic. My partner stormed off & we hadn’t spoken for a few days.
I woke up yesterday afternoon after a night shift (I work nights in a care home) to hear Charlie yowling, I ran downstairs to find my partner trying to force Charlie into the cat basket. He told me he was just taking him to the vet to try & help me out, but I think he was going to dump him & tell me he ran away.
I told my now ex-partner to leave, and I changed the locks (he had a key). He keeps leaving me messages to say how crazy I am to choose a mangy stray over him & that I’m going to regret it & that I’ll end up bitter & alone.
AITJ for choosing a cat over him?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ IN THE SLIGHTEST. You can always tell a person’s character by how they treat animals and those less fortunate. You’re dodging a bullet with this man who thinks that he can dictate what you do with your own money, and in your own home (to which he has no right).
Going behind your back while you are sleeping to “take Charlie to the vet” sounds an awful lot like “I don’t respect you or your decisions and I’m going to kill/dump a living creature to get what I want”. You’re better off with Charlie as your main man.” knuckanoos
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I was going to tell you to leave him but it sounds like you know when to say bye! I’d understand the disappointment of missing the holiday, but he really just wanted you to let the cat be killed and that’s not fair. Some people just can’t deal with their partners caring about anything other than them.
It took my sister years to find a man whose masculinity was secure enough for him to be ok with her loving her cat, and not bending to his will just because he was here now and the cat annoyed him. You can find someone who will let you share your time and love with those you care about, and that includes pets and animals.
Charlie will be such a good friend and I can promise you he will be so good at helping you sort the jerks from the good guys. You are only 43 and this guy says you’ll end up alone!! My mum is 54 and she is getting married to the love of her life this year, and she didn’t meet him until she was around 47.” ThistleFaun
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I adopted one of my current cats after he was left behind by his owners. Apparently, he would not leave their back porch. He just cried, and wouldn’t eat, and the neighbors called a rescue because they were worried he would die. That cat, my Pumpkin, is the MOST faithful creature in the world.
He’s been with me for 15+ years now, and my husband adores him. This cat has slept on my husband’s head, and he has tried not to move too much because he didn’t want to disturb Pumpkin. I, of course, married my amazing husband. And now we have a cat that will OPEN DOORS to get to my kids if they cry.
He races across the house and will wrap himself around my kids when they’re sad or sick. He’s honestly incredible. You were smart to trade someone with no kindness or empathy for a cat who has the potential to treat you like family for his or her entire life.” crystallz2000
6. AITJ For Not Reminding My Husband About My PhD Confirmation Presentation?
“I’m currently a PhD student and also work. Hence, I’m busy. I made some changes to my project right before my confirmation seminar which I’m only mentioning because my husband was well aware of my increased workload and pending deadline.
I told him confirmation was rapidly approaching and he asked if he could come to the presentation.
I told him I wasn’t sure but would ask. Then the university sent out my presentation details email with a Zoom link. I forwarded it straight to him. A few days went by and I realized he hadn’t mentioned it. I asked if he read the email and he said no. I asked him to read it.
A few more days went by, I asked him again to please read it.
At this stage, I realized that not only had he not read the email but he hadn’t bothered to enquire about the presentation. Unfortunately, this is fairly normal for him. He doesn’t often enquire about much about me, ask me many questions about my day, etc and I admit I’m tired of being ignored. I could have ‘reminded’ him the day of the presentation but to be honest I didn’t want to.
I wanted him to care enough to either ask or read the email. This is where I might be the jerk.
Presentation day comes and I present and pass. He has no idea and still doesn’t ask. I decided to finally mention it to him. He thinks I’m the jerk for not reminding him.
I think he’s the jerk for not caring enough to ask.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This makes me sad for you. My mom flew in for my public defense and of course my husband was there as well. It’s a pretty big event! It sounds like this is a symptom of a larger problem in which he disregards things that are important to you.
I think you need to address that issue with him more than anything, maybe through counseling. Congratulations on passing your confirmation, Doctor!” LaurelCrash
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. When he asked you if he could come, you said you didn’t know. When you found out he could come, you forwarded an email rather than telling him directly.
Then you kept asking if he’d read the email rather than asking if he was coming to the presentation. Based on what you’ve said, you didn’t communicate with him directly about the event or about the fact you wanted him to attend. For what it’s worth, in my own discipline it would be very weird for an outsider to attend a PhD “confirmation” (vs a PhD defense).
I don’t think my program would even allow it. So your husband’s initial question was a fair one, and you should have answered it upfront. I get being annoyed that your partner isn’t taking a more active interest in your life, but this is a very passive way to communicate.
It’s going to undermine your relationships – not just with your husband but also in academia, where lots of professors do not read their emails in a timely fashion (!!!). If you want this relationship to survive, you need to work on telling him directly what you want. This can include “I want you to step up and ask me about my life.” Then if he falls short, you’ll know where you stand in the relationship.” Known_Total_2666
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here. Leaning toward YTJ, honestly. Am a woman, married for almost 30 years, been using e-mail for perhaps longer than you’ve been alive. It’s been decades since e-mail was an effective means of communication, now it’s where info goes to die, buried under a ton of spam and phishing attempts.
For his part- could he have tried harder? Sure. But so could you. It sounds like you never actually told him when your event was, so your title is misleading. You didn’t remind your husband about a huge event in your life, you reminded him to read a forwarded e-mail.
That’s not just semantics, there’s a big difference there. You not only failed to communicate the actual info, but it sounds like you did it deliberately in order to test him. And now you’re shocked that he failed the test? You: He didn’t care enough to read it!!!
And you didn’t care enough to even say it out loud!!! If something is a big deal to you, and you want it to be a big deal to him, then simply act like it. This kind of passive-aggressive nonsense is death to relationships. COMMUNICATE with your partner instead of playing stupid games.” EmilyAnne1170
5. AITJ For Not Wanting My Partner's Aging Mother To Live With Us?
“I (38f) and my partner (33m) have just moved in together (around April/May) after being together for just over a year. He is the only boy and the youngest of his mom’s 4 kids. We are getting settled into navigating life in the same house and want to start working on expanding the family.
His mom recently asked if she could move in due to her impending divorce (she is in her 70s I think). He spoke to me about it and I had a panic attack. ( I have previous experience with an in-law moving in early on in a relationship and it kills the relationship in my opinion).
So this prospect really stressed me out and made me deeply uncomfortable. Upon further discussion we agreed that it might not be the best idea for her to live with us, since she had also just assumed she could and that it would be until her dying day).
Admittedly I am extremely territorial in my home and don’t like my space being invaded by anyone who is going to try to run the house as though it is theirs.
Not to mention the financial strain it would cause.
Early on in our relationship, I noticed some emotionally manipulative behavior from her towards him regarding me, but he always put me first. I do still wonder though if I’m being a jerk for not wanting his aging mom to live with us!?
As of now, his mom is living with her brother, his uncle keeps texting him and complaining that he won’t let his mom come live with him, because he (the uncle) let his mom live with him when she needed it.”
Another User Comments:
“Both of you need to be in agreement for any changes to living arrangements.
His first priority should be to you, and his mother comes 2nd. I remember my father being so upset when his MIL came to stay for months on end. He would tell me “you don’t have any privacy”, “you cannot dress like you want”, “you always have extra work to do for them” and he basically hated it.
My mother never even asked him for an agreement. It’s both of your homes and don’t let him paint you as a jerk for not wanting a houseguest. Suggest alternatives. Your home is your castle and it’s important to be comfortable.” ptazdba
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Hon, I’m 70, and I wouldn’t dream of moving in with any of my kids!
Granted, I won’t have to unless I couldn’t take care of myself – but I live on a farm that both of my kids love, so they’d come live here. But all of us agree that it’s only a case of me not being able to take care of myself.
Which makes me wonder if his mother is sick or something because I’m totally able to take care of myself. I have people my age nearby who also still have jobs, do whatever needs done, and live active, self-sufficient lives. That makes me wonder why she wants to live with you and her son already…70 is aging, for sure…but it’s not the end of the road, either.
Although as you said, living with an in-law can be the end of a relationship. Ignore the angry uncle…he’s just mad that he didn’t have the guts to tell her no like you two did. If she’s sick or into invalid territory, there are retirement homes with 24-hour nurses and aides to help the residents…maybe she should look into one of those.
But you stick to your guns…for her to just think she had the right to barge into your lives and live there for the rest of her life is crazy. Don’t feel guilty, and don’t be ashamed to live your lives the way you want. Again, neither you nor your partner are in the wrong.
NTJ for either of you two.” thefullnine4rain
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but to be honest an adult wanting to take care of their aging parent is also NTJ. If there are better options for her–other family, a safe facility (because those really aren’t always safe) then that’s a good compromise for both of you.
I honestly don’t understand why people jump on this bandwagon that it is crazy to want to take care of your family. I understand that you said that at some point in the past and that he had your back so it’s also reasonable for you to ask for one of those alternatives, I just find that a lot of the comments that get left on these posts are weirdly harsh.” ViolentMisandrist
4. AITJ For Not Offering To Split The Bill?
“My (f45 ) parents (f75 and m74) came for a short visit.
They won’t be able to come for my son’s 10th birthday so my mother planned a dinner for us and the grandparents.
My mother never said anything about us paying or chipping in. She knows we are on a tight budget and a last-minute dinner wasn’t in the budget. I bought the cake.
The check came and my dad whipped out his CC and paid.
The next day my mother made some comments about me not even going in half of the check. They have money and don’t have to think twice before going on vacations or out to eat…
AITJ because I didn’t offer to chip in for the dinner that she planned and insisted on having.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Next time your mom chirps about it, just say “it never occurred to me that you expected us to pay for the dinner you scheduled and planned because you missed (son’s) birthday. You should have said that was your expectation and we could have let you know that a second celebration wasn’t in our budget.
He really enjoyed it though so thank you for doing that for him.”” SlinkyMalinky20
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother insisted on and planned the dinner because she and your father could not be there for your son’s birthday party. Unless otherwise discussed (in advance), they should not have expected you to pay anything.” PsychologyAutomatic3
Another User Comments:
“OP, it sounds like this is all in your head. From what you describe, your parents fully intended to pay when they planned this gathering. The check dance is generally appreciated, but you’re not in the wrong for letting them pay. You are NTJ. Heck, I’m pushing 30 and my parents fight me for the bill when they visit and we dine out.” VerendusAudeo
3. AITJ For Not Wanting To Sell My Belongings To Afford My Pregnant Wife's Expensive Cravings?
“My wife is on her second trimester and she is eating 3 large avocados a day. Usually 1 in the morning on top of toast and with an egg and 2 made into guacamole. It costs around $2 for a nice large avocado and so she goes through $6 worth of avocados a day $42 a week in only avocados.
On top of that, she really wants blueberries, cherries, salmon, steak, etc. Especially also steak she wants a ribeye pretty much every day. If I ask her what she wants for dinner I can always expect steak and usually guacamole too.
All the expensive foods and our grocery bill has gone from $70 a week for 2 people to over $150 and also with the increase in gas prices it’s squeezing us hard and we only eat at home now to reduce costs.
I’ve tried to explain to her we can’t afford it and she insists I should sell my video games and bike to pay for her food craving. I only have a few games as we already sold some and my bike is only worth a couple hundred. I don’t think it’s fair I have to sell everything I love when she can easily grow our baby with less expensive foods.
We are both working at the moment but soon she will be on unpaid leave and I will have to support us and we need some savings before that happens.
We had a big fight about it and I’m afraid the stress of it will harm the baby but we can’t afford our grocery bill.
Even if we go to the food bank I highly doubt it will stock the food she wants.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But definitely have a plan in place for WIC and SNAP as soon as she goes on mat leave and has no income. Diapers and formula (if breastfeeding isn’t an option) are outrageously expensive and you will need all the help you can get.
I could not make milk with our last baby, and the only formula she could handle was Similac. Even with coupons and Target deals, it was a lot. She’s not potty trained yet, but after spending $44 on a box of diapers the other day, I told my husband it was time to start getting her interested in it.
Also—have her mention the cravings to her OB at her next visit. I craved meat, broccoli, kale, and avocados during my last pregnancy and developed extreme anemia. Like the need for transfusions and medications 2.5 years after delivering kind. She really needs to be checked out asap.” herculepoirot4ever
Another User Comments:
“I was recently pregnant and my grocery bill was pretty dismaying in a time that I was hoping we could add more to our savings. But it wasn’t nearly that bad. That said, ribeye and multiple avocados, etc, every single day just isn’t sustainable for you two and there’s no way to change that.
Selling your few video games and bike isn’t going to change that, either. Rather than saying no more avocado and no more ribeye at all, can she cut down to a couple of days a week? Steak Monday, avocado Tuesday, salmon Friday? Just to warn you, breastfeeding will increase her calorie needs and many times it makes you feel HUNGRY.
So this isn’t going to be over after just 9 months. Your grocery bills can be cut back a bit, but they’re never going to go back to normal.” tinypiecesofyarn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your wife’s body is telling her something. Craving avocado? She needs more healthy fats. Craving steak?
She needs iron. Fish? More healthy fats and omega-3 (if I remember correctly). Fruits? Vitamin C. I went through the same thing while I was pregnant and still do while breastfeeding. I take a beef liver supplement for the iron and make tons of smoothies with frozen fruit, which is far cheaper than fresh in my area.
I eat an avocado a day but I can usually find them on sale by checking grocery ads, or Aldi has mini avocados 6 for $4 just an extra 10 minutes from where we do our normal grocery shopping. Your wife can “grow a baby on cheaper foods” but nutrition is the most important thing in pregnancy, she’s growing brand new bones, tissues, and, organs – that takes a LOT of work.
She should be on a good prenatal at the very least but it sounds like she has some unaddressed vitamin deficiencies.” halfrayne24
2. AITJ For Telling My Social Worker Sister She Doesn't Know Best For Our Foster Kids?
“My sister (30s) is a social worker. My husband and I (30s) are foster parents. We are currently long-term foster parents (and possibly foster to adopt) for biological siblings. The siblings lost their sole parent a couple of years ago. They have half siblings from said parent who are much older, now adults to be exact.
Our foster kids miss their half-siblings and have craved a relationship with them. But the half-siblings have chosen not to have contact and from the limited info we know about our foster kids’ lives before they came to live with us, any visits that were had while the half-siblings were minors, had to be forced on the older kids who did not wish to keep contact.
This has been extremely difficult for our foster children and we have advocated for them to be in therapy, which luckily was approved and they go once a week. But they often ask about and bring up their half-siblings and beg for us to set up a time for them to see them.
My sister is aware of this and has spoken out to my husband and me three different times about how we need to do more to ensure this relationship between siblings. We have told her that’s not possible. She told us we are failing our foster kids. She said we need to find out the info of these half-siblings and fight for contact.
She told us we could bring it to court if we need to. I reminded her that’s not something we can do. She told me the kids will never see us as parents or want to be in our family if we keep them from their siblings. And then she went on about how important sibling relationships are and brought up the fact she’s a social worker and “she knows how these things work better than anyone in the family”.
I told her that just because she’s a social worker it doesn’t mean she always knows what’s best for foster kids. I told her she also has no control over adult decisions that are made. Which is something she should know as a social worker. She told me I should take her professional advice and stop invalidating her profession and experience like I did just there.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You and your husband probably know the situation most intimately of everyone presently involved, and you still come to the conclusion trying to force a relationship with the half-siblings is going to end badly. As a social worker your sister should know it’s not one size fits all with broken families and individual cases have individual nuances that need to be handled on a case-by-case basis.
She’s got a romanticized view of families sticking together and whether or not she’s aware of the particulars of this case she needs to trust your judgment.” lemon_charlie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, did she get her degree in Walmart? As a professional, a social worker, she should know that forcing a relationship or for the adult half-siblings to have contact or even take responsibility for your foster kids is only gonna end badly.
A lot of the kids in the foster system are literally there because the parents/caretakers don’t want to have them, or even abuse them because of spite and resentment. You have tried to help them have that relationship, but if the adult half-siblings do not want contact, you can’t do anything more about it.
It’s sad that it has to be that way, but once your kids grow up a little bit more, or become adults themselves, you can try to find that contact info in case they want to reconnect later in life. Honestly, tell your sister to demonstrate she is in fact a professional because right now she isn’t really doing that…” Interesting_Sun_7135
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s completely inappropriate for your sister to be pushing her opinion on you here, from a professional standpoint. She is not your family’s social worker. Sure, sometimes it’s great to have a professional you can lean on and ask questions to, but the line in the sand is that they don’t start telling you what to do and especially not under the guise of being the professional. Your sister should also know that every situation is different and there is not one hard and fast rule for how things are handled. It sounds to me as though you are handling this well.
You are correct that you cannot force adult half-siblings to have a relationship with the children, and no you cannot go to court to attempt to make that happen (WTF was she even on about there?). But more than that even, there is a very real risk that if you did try to “fight” for those relationships you would end up giving the children false hope.
It is better if they learn to deal with not having that relationship, and you are doing all the right things by managing things and getting them into therapy.” msfinch87
1. AITJ For Not Ordering A Different Style Uniform For A Plus Size Employee?
“I work as a manager for a customer service department at a large tourist attraction. We have a new employee we’ll call Kate. Employees are required to wear a uniform consisting of a branded polo and whatever work-appropriate slacks people choose to wear.
The largest size we currently have in the polo is a 2XL. Kate is a plus-sized lady and she requested the largest size available. I gave her the 2XL, and it seemed to fit fine. However, after the first week on the job, she came to my office and said she’d like to talk.
She told me she feels the uniform is too “constricting” and the fabric makes her uncomfortable. She said it was unaccommodating to bigger staff members to only offer a “clingy, form-fitting polo.” (The polos are a dri-fit, polyester material.) I let her know that we can order a bigger size for her but it would take 2-3 weeks for the custom ones to come in.
She asked if I could order her a different style of shirt, and I said no because the uniforms need to be consistent. She seemed dissatisfied with this answer but we ended the conversation.
Today I opened my email to receive an email from Kate that can be summarized:
“It is disrespectful and discriminatory practice to refuse to accommodate plus size employees.
By not allowing me to wear a uniform I feel comfortable in you have made this an unwelcome and hostile work environment for me. If management is unable to order an appropriate uniform for me I will promptly be leaving this position.”
Kate is otherwise a solid employee and has had no issues with attendance or customer service.
Am I the jerk by not caving to her demands here?”
Another User Comments:
“I understand maintaining brand consistency and I’m with you on that. And I also think you want to do the right thing here. So….what does she mean by different style? How different? In one of my previous jobs, we also had polos.
But we allowed a bowling shirt style for plus-size staff. Same color combos, the same logo. Just had a more forgiving cut plus a softer weave than polo knit. And the buttons. But at the end of the day, it didn’t detract from the service we provided. Unfortunately, tailoring for plus-size individuals really isn’t as simple as sizing up.
The body changes shape in so many ways, as you go up. Arms can be significantly larger and cuffs can hurt. Tummies can protrude sideways and look sloppy in slim fits. And sometimes fabric blends can be unforgiving to larger individuals. Fabrics stick to one’s body parts and do not move when the person moves.
Now for me…this will fall into Y T J if she’s truly uncomfortable and you ignore that. Only you (& Kate) can determine that. Kate’s discomfort might be physical. It might be emotional because the uniform is unflattering. Could be both. And all valid.” Poesy-WordHoard
Another User Comments:
“While you’re NTJ here, it would be good to open a discussion with your company about introducing more diversity into uniforms. “Unisex” polos are made to fit cis men’s bodies, within a fairly wide style and shape range.
They are not designed to fit women’s bodies unless those bodies fall within a relatively narrow size and shape range. The size shirt that this employee will need with likely have wide shoulders that ‘drop’, and other proportions that look ill-fitting and less professional. Because they aren’t designed for fat women’s bodies.
In this case, the sexism and sizeism aren’t yours — it’s built into the uniform design (that pretends that thin women and somewhat size-diverse men represent a sex-neutral standard).” Red_orange_indigo
Another User Comments:
“‘Kate is an otherwise solid employee and has had no issues with attendance or customer service’ It sounds like Kate is genuinely uncomfortable in her uniform – so uncomfortable that she might be willing to leave because she finds it upsetting.
This isn’t even a moral thing, it’s a common sense thing. Ignore the conversation you had, ignore the email she sent – is it genuinely important enough to you that she wears a polo rather than a similar blouse or something that you’d be willing to lose a good employee and incur recruitment costs?
If it is that important (firstly why) then let her walk. Otherwise, just swallow your pride and let her have the adjustment she’s asking for – which will also make her comfier and happier at work. Honestly, companies spend loads to try and keep employees happy/boost retention and it seems like this costs you nothing but ego and flexibility Her email escalated real quick but why not be flexible when it’ll cost you very little.” Fayebie17
