People Are Adamant To Know Our Ruling Of Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
18. AITJ For Wanting To Build My Mom A "Granny Flat"?
“My mother moved from New Hampshire to California in March of 2021 to be closer to her grandkids (and presumably, me, her son, and her daughter who also lives here…) Real estate is crazy now, and buying a home is proving financially difficult.
Mom will be retiring this year and going through income adjustments. She’s living with her aunt now, about 20 miles from me. In short, this is fine but she is struggling with a lost sense of autonomy and is keen to find her own space as soon as possible.
One evening, I pitched my wife the Granny Flat idea. I’m handy and figured with some jobs subbed out, I could build a nice 700-square-foot apartment above our garage. San Diego has relaxed zoning laws making this a viable option.
I would build it completely independent from the house and my mother could finance the venture with funds she was planning to put towards a mortgage down payment. I figured about $100K, which would leave her financially more stable than if she sunk twice that into a condo and saddled herself with a mortgage.
My wife was hesitant about the idea, citing all the recent construction projects we had undertaken since our own recent move back to the states from overseas.
On top of construction projects, our marriage has been struggling badly for several years and we’ve been seeing a counselor to work on our issues together.
She told me that a construction project right now was not in the cards as it would be, ‘detrimental to her mental health while we struggled to fix the foundation of our marriage.’ I pushed back by mentioning some of the pros: free childcare, cooking, my mother’s well-being, etc. Her final response at the moment was to say the idea wasn’t totally out, but it was definitely not happening now.
I agreed. Maybe springtime would be a better time to build. Plus, we would need to talk to my mom about it. I wasn’t sure she would want to live that close to us anyway.
Later that evening, Mom joined us for dinner, and I brought the idea up. My wife didn’t outright say no at the time but kept her actual opinion pretty neutral. My mother loved the idea and said she would finance the venture if we decided it was something we wanted to undertake.
No commitments were made and the conversation ended with me feeling like it had been a fairly benign exchange of ideas that would need a lot of thinking and planning to actually check feasibility.
Later that night, after my mother had left, my wife was furious with me, accusing me of throwing her under the bus with my mother concerning the apartment. In my opinion, I initiated a conversation between three adults with the sole intent of testing an idea’s viability.
Presenting a maybe… My wife’s take is I should have more thoroughly fleshed out the idea with her alone before presenting it to my mother because my wife thinks my mother will think poorly of her now if we decide not to build.
So… AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. What is wrong with you? Don’t try to play dumb. Don’t even try. Every 8 yr old kid knows that you ask for your friend to stay over with the friend standing right there in order to guilt your mom into agreeing.
You manipulated the situation to try and get the way you want. Now your wife is the bad guy if she says no. But you know that.
Why didn’t you ask your wife first if she thought this was a good conversation to have now?
I know why because she would have looked at you like: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
And this line: I initiated a conversation between three adults with the sole intent of testing an idea’s viability… is such crap.
Who talks like that? Who thinks like that? You aren’t three adults on equal footing. You are a pair-bonded couple. The third person is on the outside of the main pairing.
You are a manipulator and a bad person to do this.
I think this is a great thing for your wife to bring up in therapy before she dumps you. Then you and mommy can live together. Won’t that be nice?
This is a great way to build resentment in your primary relationship, or ruin it altogether.” loginorregister9
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your wife already expressed that she isn’t sure of the idea, and you barely have any time before bringing it up to your mother which added pressure to her response.
Now you have made it to where she will have to explain why she doesn’t want to, to your mother if she makes that choice in the long run. That’s not fair to her.
You already knew she might not want to, she literally communicated this to you. No wonder y’all are in therapy.
You’re also a jerk for assuming your mother is going to retire and wants to watch your kids and do your cooking for you.
Maybe she’ll want to, I dunno, relax a little and enjoy not having to take care of a whole family since she has presumably already done that once. And to offer that to your wife to try and sway her on something she doesn’t want, not knowing if that’s even an offer, is trashy to your mom.
You’re putting a lot of tension on this situation and it’s not even real yet. Chill out.” justlemmeread
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, could’ve just asked your wife ‘can we bring it up with my mom at dinner tonight to at least see how she feels, if she’s not interested we don’t have to bring it up again.’ And all would have been fine.
Though I think it’s healthy to talk these things through with all relevant parties, your wife was already on the fence so you should’ve gotten her on board before bringing it up to your mom.
Not on the building fully, but at least on the discussing it with your mother part.
You gave your wife no time to get used to the idea, form a full opinion on it, and think about it for a bit.
And though your mom seems to have good boundaries from your story, you’ll have to figure out a good way to explain to your mom why you won’t do it if your wife turns out not to want it without making it sound like your wife’s ‘fault’.
Is the reason you’re having marital problems the fact that you have no regard for your wife’s opinion and boundaries? If yes – you’re a major jerk for disregarding them here.” Clear_Detail_9121
17. AITJ For Reminding My Ex-Wife About The Hearing?
“My ex-wife is a see you next Tuesday.
She’s highly irresponsible and as a 45-year-old woman, she constantly has people picking up the pieces after her. Separated 6 years, divorced for 4.
We just changed custody where I have primary custody and we are about to go back to court for child support.
My wife (in our group text) mentioned something about it and my ex didn’t know about it (says she never received the letter). I told her she might want to get the info because if she doesn’t show there would be a bench warrant for her and I didn’t want to see that happen.
Honestly, I couldn’t care less if she didn’t show up and went to jail. I just want the support changed so I don’t have to pay anymore and it’s already been delayed once.
My wife is mad that I reminded her of it and sent her the info for the hearing. She says I’m contributing to her being irresponsible and that she will never change.
I see it as I want the support changed now. And I’m also not a monster, wanting to throw my kid’s mother in jail over something like this.”
Another User Comments:
“Your wife is delusional. The likelihood is that if your ex doesn’t show, they’ll just reschedule it again and inconvenience you.
Even if they actually issued a bench warrant and actually bothered to send your ex to jail (increasingly unlikely in the current judicial and medical environment), you’d still need to go to a rescheduled hearing.
And what about your poor kids? If their mom actually did get taken away in handcuffs, they could be traumatized. At the very least, they’d be sad and scared.
NTJ. But I’d be very concerned about your wife’s apparent anger issues.
It’s not possible to tell from this exchange exactly where the problem is (i.e. is she actually unreasonable or is she reacting to your behavior or is she just reacting to the stress we’ve all been under the past 2 years), but you may want to consider couples counseling.” DinaFelice
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wife is right that it’s not your responsibility. That’s what her lawyer is for. And if the lawyer is doing a bad job, then she needs to get a new lawyer.
But again, that’s on your ex. But, I totally get that you just want this all over with. Most likely, if your ex didn’t show up for the hearing, nothing would happen. It would just be rescheduled for a different date and you would have wasted your time and if you are an hourly worker, you lost a paycheck for nothing.” BlueRFR3100
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Sounds like your wife is annoyed by the ex and wants to see her punished. I think you’re right, your ex should obviously be responsible, but all you did was send a text, took you 30 seconds, and it’s in service of getting what you want and keeping her out of trouble.
Seems like a win/win/win to me.” Antici—–pation
16. AITJ For Leaving An Inheritance To My Goddaughter Instead Of My Own Daughter?
“I (45f) divorced my ex-husband when my daughter ‘Kelly’ (21f) was around 12 after I caught him having an affair for the second time. Literally, everyone was against it and I knew the In-Laws wouldn’t like it because they’re traditional conservatives who didn’t want to deal with the public scandal, but it was hurtful to me that my own family was trying to pressure me to stay in the marriage in order to not lose access to the wealth and perks my ex had provided.
Example(s): While we were married my ex helped my brother get a nice job with a high salary and nice benefits, paid off my sister’s credit card debts, and bought my parents really lavish gifts.
The first time I caught him having an affair I wanted out back then but my family convinced me to forgive him and that I owed it to Kelly to fight for her to have the stability of a two-parent household.
My daughter was only a few weeks old at the time and I was in a very vulnerable state at the time, so I agreed and felt so stupid when my ex did it again but this time there wasn’t a ‘you weren’t performing your wifely duties since you got pregnant’ excuse anymore.
This time I wasn’t going to be deterred and continued with the divorce.
In truth, I wanted to keep Kelly out of this as much as possible but my In-Laws and my own parents poisoned her against me by painting me as a hypocrite for telling her how important forgiveness is but that I wasn’t willing to forgive Daddy even when he was really sorry.
I was distraught. I honestly don’t think I would’ve made it through if it weren’t for my best friend ‘Tina’ who was my rock. In the end, I got a nice settlement and some alimony but didn’t get custody.
I tried my hardest to still be in Kelly’s life but by the time she was a teen she was fully convinced that I was the bad guy and told the courts she didn’t want to see me anymore.
I was heartbroken but kept reaching out. During that time I also managed to go back to school (I was studying Accounting) and managed to get a high-paying job of my own and have a nice life for myself.
The same can’t be said for my ex who was sued by a former employee and fired by his company. Because he was so embarrassed my ex burned through his savings trying to keep up his lifestyle, which included Kelly’s college fund.
Suddenly she wanted contact again, and I won’t lie and say that I wasn’t hurt by the idea of her only wanting contact for my money and agreed to pay for her to go to grad school on the condition that she sign an agreement that she won’t contest my will where I’m leaving most of what I owned to Tina’s daughter ‘Laura’ (18f).
The few relatives that I’m still on good terms with think that this will damage any chance at rebuilding a relationship with Kelly and that I should just split everything equally. However, I don’t want to have the type of relationship with Kelly that I feel like I have to pay for.
AITJ?
Edit:
- I didn’t get custody but I did get visitation and when Kelly was 14-15 she told the courts she didn’t want to visit me anymore.
- My ex came from a rich family and had a good income which meant he had better lawyers and the aid of my brother and parents during the divorce.
- Not too long after the divorce my brother lost his job. I’m not sure what happened and I never cared to ask.
- I’m in no contact with my brother and in very low contact with my parents and sister.
- Tina is my documented ‘power of attorney’ should there ever be a situation where I can’t make legal decisions for myself and vice versa.
- Alimony is not child support so that’s why I was able to get it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ/No jerks here
Everyone has already told you why you’re NTJ, so I won’t beat that dead horse. I’m kind of bridging on ‘no jerks here’ as I’m wishy-washy on Kelly’s motivation.
How is she with you now? Is she making an effort to be a part of your life?
If I were in her position, being effectively brainwashed by my family to hate my mom from the age of 12, I’d hate my mom too.
While her reaching out to you once her dad could no longer support her financially is as suspicious as suspicious timing gets, this also seems like the first time in her life that she got a glimpse outside of the ‘illusion’ that your ex and family built around her.
Her entire life she’s been led to believe that you baselessly accused her dad of lying to you because you’re a bad person or due to some other motivating factor. Based on what (seemingly) your entire family thinks and their vehement support for him, she probably thought that there was no way this was true.
‘He couldn’t be that selfish, he’s so kind and generous.’ Now that the veil is lifted by his actions, I bet she’s rethinking everything and everyone.
If I were in her shoes now, despite being an adult at 21, I’d be questioning my entire life, really.” GTRari
Another User Comments:
“I’m thinking YTJ because you are punishing your daughter, who was coerced into a certain way of thinking when she was a child. Even if she has initially contacted you out of the need for financial help, let’s face it it’s for her education, not some new shoes, if your first concern with her is to accuse her of something then it’s not going to go down well.
Also by the very nature that you don’t want to leave her inheritance that screams that she is not of importance to you/much less important than your friend’s child.
If your daughter thinks you feel that way, why would she want to build a relationship with you?
If I were you I would jump at any chance to try and build a relationship with your daughter, even if it starts from a less-than-ideal place. You’ll never get a relationship with her if you slap the inheritance deal on her.” zlm542
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I don’t understand the entitlement where children think they are owed what their parents had after they die. None of what’s yours belongs to anyone else unless you give it to them.
And if that’s a problem with someone, then it shows where they see the true value in a relationship with you.
If you want to leave everything to your god-daughter, do it.
If that’s an issue for your bio daughter, then that should cement what you’re already thinking about why she’s reached back out to you in the first place. It hurts, and I empathize with that.
Just know you aren’t obligated to do anything you don’t want to in this situation despite the guilt and judgment you may face.” hdkb824
15. AITJ For Banning My Significant Other's Friends From My Bar?
“Nicky (31F) and I (32M) have been together for 2 and a half years. We have a great connection despite being total opposites. Nicky is a high school art teacher and I work in finance.
Our friend groups represent us really well with my friends being into sports, golf, and stocks. Her friends are very artsy and into social causes. I just bought a bar (in the middle of a global crisis I know) and decided I wanted to make it my full-time job.
Nicky was very supportive and helped me with designing the bar. The bar has taken off and has sorta become my life as I spend about 60 hours a week here. Nicky would come in after work and bring her work friends with her.
I had no problem with this at first as it was nice to have Nicky here and the extra business was nice. But things started to happen and it’s caused me to make this post.
Her friends ruin the vibe completely. Basically anytime a girl is getting hit on they come running to her side to make sure she’s okay. They like to ‘protect’ every girl in the bar.
Which I’m okay with because some guys can be creepy. But it also is completely unnecessary at times. Like the girl will be flirting with a regular of mine and they will run up to her and ask her to ‘go to the bathroom.’ Also, they have yelled at my bartenders before for over-serving girls.
My bartenders are highly trained and don’t do this. The female will get offended and usually leave. I’ve told Nicky and her friends to stop doing this and if they have an issue to come find me.
When I bring it up to Nicky she says they are the bar ‘moms’ and just watching out for other girls. The final straw was when my best friend was sitting at the bar talking to a few of my female regulars.
Nicky and her friends called the girls over to the table and told them to stay away from my friend because he was bad news. My buddy isn’t a bad guy at all, a player a little bit, but a great guy.
My female regulars thanked them and left. I told them to get out if they are gonna keep disrespecting the people in my bar. They argued that I was being a jerk but eventually left. I told my bouncers they were banned and put their photos on our banned list. They tried to show up on New Year’s and they were told they weren’t allowed in except for Nicky.
I got called outside by my bouncer and I explained to them that they weren’t allowed in anymore and listed the reasons. I’m now being called a jerk. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You mentioned that you have bouncers who I assume are trained to take care of problem guests. These friends have basically appointed themselves the ‘bar police’ which is not their job. By going up to some unknown men they could also be putting themselves at risk.
It’s one thing to mention to an employee that you think someone is being harassed, it’s another to take matters into your own hands. You could be held liable if one of them was to get hurt.
I’d explain to the girl why you have banned them. If they can prove they can come into the bar and just be a guest you may want to lift this ban later.
I would make it very clear that if they are allowed back in that any problems should be reported to the bar staff and if they continue to police the area, they will be banned again permanently.
If your SO is also doing this, ban her too. Tell her it’s for her own safety.” shlbycindy1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and, I’m not shy. If any of those women had tried to ‘bar mom’ me, instead of letting me make my own decisions about what I was or was not comfortable with, you can bet your butt I would have stood up for myself.
Then I would have found the bouncer and reported the harassment.
I don’t need a ‘bar mom’. I’m an adult, not a child. It sounds like they don’t even know (or care) that what their intervening in is consensual, maybe two people in a relationship.
It seems like they just go on the warpath anytime a man even LOOKS at a woman and that’s patently ridiculous.
NTJ, you have to protect your business, and having these nosey Nellies scurrying around like little weasels and sticking their nose into everything isn’t good for business.
That’s what you and bouncers are for and, I’m assuming, you guys know how to spot REAL trouble so their ‘bar mom’ routine isn’t wanted or needed. I would also recommend you have a stern talk with your SO and let her know why her friends are banned and, if she continues the behavior, she’ll be banned too.
It might end your relationship but there are a million fish in the sea that won’t disrespect you and your bar.” bookworm1421
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s a difficult situation because it’s a mix of business and relationships.
However, at the end of the day, it is your business that you are investing time and funds into.
With their actions, they could potentially give your business a bad reputation. This would directly impact your income and your family.
They should have been more aware that this was your business and should have respected your wishes.
Their response, in my opinion, makes me further support your decision as they are outright refusing to see your point of view and completely disrespecting you.
I would say, I think the timing could have been better as it sounds like they were banned shortly before NYE. However, it’s a double-edged sword as this could be one of your busiest and most profitable days.
One of their disturbances could have been devastating for your business, so I can completely understand that decision.” MrCJLambert
14. AITJ For Refusing To Switch Rooms With A Couple Who Broke Up?
“I live in a house with 6 people. And there is a couple upstairs. I am best friends with the girl, whom we will call C in this instance.
C and M split up. She was gone for 3 weeks, texting her ex, and M was blowing her up the entire time she was gone for vacation. He was being very needy and annoying towards her because he felt she was purposefully ignoring him and was texting someone else.
She was. But he also has been controlling in their relationship, emotionally manipulative, and like I said… Very very needy.
Now that she is back, they split up and live together upstairs. They have different rooms but everyone in the house is looking at me saying I should switch rooms with M because C is my best friend.
However, my room on the main floor is perfect for me. I have privacy, my room is all set up because we moved in only a month ago and I feel like I’m just now getting settled into my room after moving in, I have plenty of closet space, and I like my bathroom.
And now I am being pressured to move upstairs. Everyone is calling me selfish as a friend for not wanting to move. But I don’t think everyone realizes that M and C both knew that they could split up during our 1-year lease together.
They talked about what would happen if they split and the steps they would take towards coexisting together in the same space upstairs. But now that they’ve broken up, he wants to switch rooms with me and she wants me to switch rooms with him.
I feel that this is not fair to ask me. I like my new room and all the benefits that come with it. I would have to pack all my stuff again and move it upstairs.
I pay the same amount of rent as everyone else who lives here and I would be losing a lot of bathroom space, and closet space and I would be losing money because I would have to invest in a dresser and furniture since I am losing all my closet space.
I understand that everyone in the house is saying I should move because C and I are best friends. But C and M knew what they were getting into when they signed the lease just like everyone else in the house and I feel it’s just not cool to ask me to sacrifice because they couldn’t make their relationship work.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Stand your ground, if not they’ll benefit from your misery and have learned nothing. Especially because NO REAL FRIEND would ask/guilt you into losing your personal space.
PS: if you’re going to share a room then someone better be sharing that rent bill. Keep your room and let them settle THEIR BUSINESS, ON THEIR OWN.” Fine_Pair_420
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Their relationship issues aren’t your problem and you aren’t required to move to make things easier for them. You pay for your room, you’re established in it, they need to sort out their own baggage without involving other people.” Aunty_Fascist
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it is not fair of them to use your friendship with C as an excuse to pressure you — you are one of SIX people in that house.
You said no and that should be the end of it.
They should then ask each other member of the house ONCE if they want to move and if no one wants to, then it’s up to them to sort it out.
Anything else is harassment.” ViolaVetch75
13. AITJ For Not Considering My Grandma's Condition Before Applying For Courses?
“I (16 NB) am in the final year of my O levels/junior year which means I choose which courses I wanted to do for those two years I would spend preparing for my exams. I have always had an interest in science/psychology since I was in primary school so naturally, I would apply for those courses.
My grandmother (74 F) was diagnosed with dementia when she was 68 years old. Over the Christmas vacation, her eldest son asked me to look after her for the day because they had to work.
I told him no as I had a lot of notes and take-home assignments that I had to complete over the vacation.
Later that day he told me in front of my parents that I was selfish and inconsiderate for choosing courses that had such a heavy workload when my grandmother has dementia and needs someone to take care of her.
I told him that he had no problem with my older cousin (18 F) doing the same courses as me when she was doing her junior year. He said that it was different with her because she doesn’t live at home with my grandmother and that I do so I shouldn’t have chosen to pursue sciences I.e. chemistry, physics, biology, and two sets of math classes.
I left and went to my room after he said that. His sisters have all told me that I should have chosen different courses as I have an obligation to my grandmother to look after her when no one in the household isn’t able to.
So AITJ?
Also, I should note that my family has always had a problem with me when it comes to my education since I was in my final year of primary school and applied for an academic scholarship to attend the school that I do now.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are a student. Your job as a student is to take courses that will prepare you to be a contributing member of society. Sounds like you did that.
Your uncle was fine with HIS child taking these same courses, but doesn’t think you should because… why? Is it because you are NB? Not his kid? Something else?
You are, at age 16, a child, at least in most places.
Your job is school. The adults are responsible for making sure you have food to eat, a roof over your head, and other needs met. THEY are also responsible for your grandmother, as they are adults and have appointed themselves responsible.
They can’t thrust that responsibility off onto you, a legal child.
Good luck.” Algebralovr
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. It’s not your obligation to take care of your Grandma, and you should only be applauded for striving for success with your education.
It sounds like you have a lot of other family members that can help out with your Grandma, it’s not like if you don’t do it then there’s no one else. Don’t feel bad at all for putting your education first, it in no way means that you love or care for your Grandma any less.
Your family is a jerk for guilt tripping you, a child still, for your focus on having a successful future, plain and simple.” Gingykins87
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If your Grandma is so frail that she requires someone to be with her 24 hours a day, then you are not in any position to be able to offer that care.
Dementia is an awful illness, and people with it can go downhill very rapidly. Your Grandma could have a fall, or become violent or extremely distressed. You would be unlikely to be able to help with any of those scenarios.
Your family needs to make the decision to seek alternative care for your Grandma. A 16-year-old grandchild isn’t going to be able to provide that.” Waitingforadragon
12. AITJ For Being Mad At My Husband For Bringing Up His Dad's Passing On My Dad's Birthday?
“Yesterday was my dad’s birthday, so I and my family took him out to dinner at a nice restaurant. My husband, Joel, seemed a bit distant, but I didn’t talk to him about it so we wouldn’t ruin the mood for my parents.
On the way home from the restaurant, I asked him what was wrong. He said he missed his dad, who passed away about 2 years ago. He explained that he couldn’t stop thinking about his dad.
I let him talk to the kids about his dad for quite a bit. I was getting sick of it, our children (F12 and M9) shouldn’t need to hear his sob story.
I told him that was enough talk about his dad and he apologized. But when we were back at the house, I heard Joel talking to the kids about his dad again.
I told him to stop, that the kids didn’t want to hear it.
Joel argued that his dad is the kids’ grandfather, so of course, they want to hear about him. I told him it’s fine to tell stories about his dad, but that he’s taking it too far and that he’ll just make them depressed. We argued for a bit (the details aren’t important), and in the end, he accused me of being a jerk.
I thought he’d get over it by the next morning, but he isn’t talking much and I can’t help but feel it’s related to last night. I think he’s just being stubborn and overreacting, but I’m not sure.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Grief can show up powerfully during times of celebration, particularly when the celebration reminds a person of why they’re grieving. It’s totally understandable that your husband might be experiencing some grief over his father while you’re out celebrating your father.
It was likely very difficult for him to even attempt to mask that until he was in a place he felt safe (on the ride home with you and your kids).
Furthermore, it is every parent’s responsibility to model to their children how to process emotions.
Your husband opened up to you and the kids in the car last night, and even though it was tough for you, the kids, and especially him, it was an opportunity for your kids to learn a powerful lesson: that grief is a normal emotion experienced after loss, and that that emotion can show up at any time and after any period of time after a loss.
Cutting your husband down in front of the kids taught your kids the opposite: that experiencing and expressing feelings is wrong.
Please recognize that your actions worked against your husband’s processing of his grief and against your children’s emotional development, and apologize to both your husband and your kids.” rust-e-apples1
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely YTJ. Big time!
Your husband is grieving, you should be understanding at the very least, not getting ‘sick’ of him remembering and missing his dad.
He is going through the process of grief and losing a loved one.
Yes it happened two years ago, and you might be thinking ‘it’s time to get over it’ but when it’s someone so close to you, you’ll miss them forever. And it hurts.
A lot. Time can heal. But everyone gets there in their own time. You have to be respectful. You shouldn’t get angry at your husband for reminiscing. It was actually really awful of you to tell him to stop talking to your children about their grandfather.
He is only trying to build a connection with the kids and keep his dad’s memory alive within them.
To say that he’ll depress your children with stories about their grandfather and calling it a sob story is honestly horrible.
I know when I was a kid I loved hearing stories about my grandparents who had passed. I got to get to know all about them and some of my favorite family stories are the ones my parents told me about my grandmothers.
I wish you and your family all the best. I hope you can dig down and find your empathy and go easy on your husband. Support him as best you can. I can only imagine how hard it is to lose a parent!” emihowlter
Another User Comments:
“What is grief, if not love preserving?
YTJ. A heartless and unwavering jerk. Your husband missed his father and that was brought to the forefront by celebrating your father in a way he no longer gets to do for his.
He held his sadness inside until you asked him privately about it, not because you wanted to genuinely know what was on his mind, but because you felt he had still been ruining your celebration.
Then when your husband processes his grief by telling both of your children about his late father and sharing his love for his father with them, you got annoyed and because you didn’t want to hear the stories, you lied and used your kids to express how you felt.
That is beyond gross. BEYOND.
What happens when your parents inevitably pass? Are you just no longer going to speak about them? Are you not going to be sad they’re gone? Are you not going to seek support from the person who should be the one person you can be vulnerable with?
I feel so bad for your husband that he has such an awful person for a wife. And your kids that have a mother who seeks to deprive them of their connection to both their father and their late grandfather.
Your husband owed you no apologies. You owe him a staggering amount.
Also, my mom passed away almost two years ago (the anniversary is in two months) and that grief is still as fresh as it ever was.
Some days feel like it just happened still. Losing parents is incredibly emotional and that sense of loss doesn’t ever disappear. You still have both your parents OP, so you have the privilege of not facing that hollow yet.” jetfuel_o
11. AITJ For Making My Sister Miss Work To Help My Daughter?
“I (M38) lost my wife 2 years ago, we have a 13-year-old daughter together that I solely take care of but my family still helps here and there.
I’m pretty close with my sister and she told me to come to her if I needed help with anything, anything at all.
Yesterday I came home and my daughter told me that she has just gotten her period for the first time, now my daughter already had been educated by her mother about periods but she seemed freaked out and didn’t know how to handle it herself.
Thing is, I didn’t know how to handle this either, I felt helpless because it’s not just as easy as getting her pads and that’s it according to my wife. So I thought about calling my sister and I did, I had her leave work early but didn’t tell her what was going on on the phone and waited til she arrived. She was shocked upon finding out why I called for her help although I explained that since she’s a woman then she has better knowledge of the situation but she called me ignorant and started talking about how awkward my daughter must’ve felt for me to act so weirdly about her period.
I again explained my reasons and she still shamed me for putting this on her instead of handling it myself as the parent. She said this is the first problem my daughter faces without her mom and I’m already failing her which was harsh on me because I believe I’m doing my best here and I did not act weird about it, just felt helpless and needed her help.
She spent a few hours with me and my daughter and left after getting her everything she needed. I tried calling my sister, later on, to talk about it and she kept saying I was a jerk for calling for her help with this as if it was an emergency and probably made my daughter’s first-ever experience feel awful.
I’m confused by her reaction and really think she overreacted just cause I had her leave work early. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“While I think it’s a bit harsh that your sister would say that you’re ‘failing’ your daughter, you are 100% the jerk for having her leave work early for this.
The internet is a beautiful thing – you could have used resources to at least find a temp solution until your sister got off work. You could have asked your sister over the phone what to do.
There’s no reason your sister should have to drop everything for this. She was probably worried that there was an actual emergency. If you keep abusing her offer for support, you are going to lose it completely.
YTJ.” rickmurple
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, but only for not telling your sister what was going on.
There is nothing wrong with reaching out to her, but it sounds like you called her panicked, and asked her to come over to help like it was a serious emergency, when in reality all you had to say was, ‘Hi (sister), (daughter) just got her first period and I’m not sure what to do.
Do you have a minute to talk me through it?’ Calmly, and without alarming your sister.
I would be upset too if I called off work to handle something that I could’ve handled with a quick phone call.
And when she accuses you of making it worse, what she means is treating your daughter’s period like an emergency in lieu of what it is: a natural biological function a lot of women go through.
She’s saying you made your daughter feel like there was something wrong with her.
I don’t think you’re a bad person, OP. You sound like a stressed father trying to do his best, with what knowledge you have.
Your daughter is lucky to have you, and her aunt, but you should really try understanding your sister’s frustration here because it’s not completely unwarranted.” urbanworldbuilder
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, nothing wrong with seeking help or guidance for your daughter but it isn’t an emergency at all, it’s not as if periods are unheard of.
All the information you need is available online and while I get it is an uncomfortable subject that’s just what you have to do as a parent and adult.
Don’t think your sister had any problem with you seeking her help but making it out to be an emergency and not telling her what it was, forcing her to leave work is very reasonable for her to be annoyed about.
I understand you may be panicking but at least tell her what the situation is, she’d likely have just laughed at you getting so panicked, told you what to do, and came after work.
Really you should have been prepared but I wouldn’t hold that against you, the way you behaved based upon you saying it was an emergency and convincingly enough that your sister rushed there with no information suggests that you really didn’t handle the situation well, which is probably what she means about you making the experience terrible for your daughter.
A bit shocking that you can’t see this for yourself, surely at some point between your daughter telling you and now you have calmed down and remembered that periods are completely normal and not an emergency.
Just apologize for handling the situation so poorly and inconveniencing your sister, probably expect a dad to be at least able to tell his daughter that it’s normal and not to worry even if it made him uncomfortable.” User
10. WIBTJ If I Tell My Upstairs Neighbor To Keep Their Kids Quiet?
“We live on the bottom floor of a 3-floor apartment building. The ceiling/floor is very thin. We can hear every footstep. In fact, we can hear every word of their conversations (albeit muffled).
That wouldn’t be an issue if the tenants above us were all adults. Unfortunately, that is not the case. The upstairs tenants have two children, a 2-year-old and a 4-year-old (and another one who could pop out of mom at any moment).
The kids run CONSTANTLY. We can trace their racetrack through the apartment. They start in our bedroom, run to the kitchen, turn into the living room, and circle back to the bedroom. They run this circuit from 6 am to 11 pm.
They also jump on and off the couch, making sure to body-slam the floor. I swear they sound as heavy as baby stone golems. You can literally watch the ceiling shake as they run, and it has knocked pans off our walls.
When they aren’t running, they are screaming b****y murder. The noise even overshadows our TV when watching movies even with surround sound.
It’s been 6 months of this and I just can’t do it anymore.
The noise is constant. I realize that they are kids and kids will play. I don’t want to stifle that, but I’m also going crazy. I just want some quiet. The only time it is silent is between 1 am and 4 am.
When I work the night shift I have to have earplugs (which risks me missing my alarm), and even then I wake up 3-4 times throughout my sleep. We’ve talked to the upstairs neighbors a few times and they’ve said ‘oh sorry; the baby’ and quickly closed the door.
Would I be the jerk if I talked to them again and told them that if they don’t figure out how to decrease the noise I’m going to get management involved? I feel like a jerk for trying to rein in their children.
Kids will be kids. And I know that it won’t do anything anyways. How can you tell a kid to stop playing, let alone a 2 and 4-year-old who literally cannot understand other people’s positions?
I just feel like a real jerk for asking them to do the impossible.
(Also I am legitimately torn and at my wit’s end. I just want to know if going upstairs in the midst of a global crisis to tell the parents that I can’t stand their children and need them to manage their kids better would make me a jerk.
I don’t want to get management involved to risk them receiving a fine or not having their lease renewed. Controlling kids of that age is like hurting cats.)”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but talk to management from a ‘let’s figure out how to solve this’ perspective, not an attacking one.
Come up with reasonable limits. You want quiet from x to y. (You ‘cannot’ get it all day/night, that is not ok, kids will run and play and be kids.) It is reasonable to enforce ‘quiet hours,’ and check what they are in your lease or your state/area.
See if the neighbors can be required to put down rugs, etc. maybe. Alternately if worse comes to worst see if they can be moved. My now-husband has a very heavy footfall and even though he is not loud per se, he would make a lot of noise walking around when he came in from doing research late.
His downstairs neighbors complained and since he wasn’t doing anything ridiculous the complex moved him at their cost to another apartment because the downstairs neighbor wouldn’t stop objecting and he had to be able to, like, come home, use the restroom, etc. at night.” SuperLoris
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Wear earplugs, set your alarm to flash, or get a vibrating alarm if you’re worried you will miss it. You can’t stop kids from playing, and if the floors are as thin as you say then it’s likely the kids aren’t doing anything excessive.
They’re probably walking, running, and falling because they’re young and clumsy. They can’t walk carefully – they’re 2 and 4 years old! Mom is pregnant and trying to deal with two young kids, she doesn’t need to deal with a neighbor making impossible demands on top of all that.” Padloq
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ in this situation. You have a right to a reasonable amount of peace. On the flip side, advice would be to never rent a lower apartment for exactly this reason.
You can’t control what’s happening above you and if you lived in an upper apartment, there would be no one above you stomping on the floor.
You should just send your neighbors a kind note telling them that they are being inconsiderate with the amount of noise coming from their apartment.
Truly, that’s too much running in the house and kids can go outside if they wanna run & scream like a banshee. I also wanna note that there must be a noise ordinance… usually, it’s 10 pm but depends on where you live.
In that case, you also have the option of getting the police involved with a noise complaint.
I’d reserve calling the police though just yet. Wait until after you’ve sent the note to the neighbor.
If they don’t fix the situation, notify your landlord formally with a letter. If the landlord fails to get the problem properly addressed, then start calling the police, but only after the designated cutoff time (like 10 pm) for acceptable noise.
As a backup, it would be a great idea to use your phone to video the ceiling shaking and to record the amount of noise coming from upstairs. Do it through different times of the day & night so you have a good representation of why you’re complaining.
Even record going up the stairs & outside of their door to prove that the noise is coming specifically from their apartment. Videos showing this cannot be denied for evidence of what you’re saying is happening.
True, when you live in an apartment, you all have to get along and be respectful of others in order to live peacefully, but there are noise limits and they’ve clearly exceeded those limits repeatedly and without care or consideration of others.
Good luck getting this issue resolved. Otherwise, it’s time to move. With the proof you gather, you may be able to leave your lease early for the landlord fails to get that tenant under control with their noise levels.
The landlord might threaten to sue but they would lose in court once the videos are shown into evidence.” OffMyRocker2016
9. AITJ For Expecting To Live With My Son Rent-Free?
“I (60F) have a son (30M), Andrew, who is very successful. He graduated college with a master’s in architecture and started his own architectural firm shortly afterward.
He also has two sons (5M, and 3M) with his wife.
They all live in a house that is pretty big. It is 3200 sq. ft and it comes with 5 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms, a finished basement, a large backyard with a patio, and a garage.
It is also within walking distance of a lot of things. Public transit also runs pretty close to the house. They bought a large house because they plan on expanding their family a bit more, and they truly lucked out in terms of the location.
I have recently retired from my job. I have been feeling pretty lonely recently because I have got nothing to do and my husband passed away a few years ago due to prostate cancer.
I usually meet up with people on the weekends but that’s about it. I also have been living in the same house since Andrew and his siblings were born, so I have a lot of unused space in my house and the mortgage is way too much for me to pay on my own.
I asked Andrew if it would be okay if I moved in with him because they have a lot of extra room in the house. He was reluctant at first but he ultimately agreed to let me move in with him as long as I helped pay part of the mortgage, which would mean I would have to pay $600/month for the mortgage.
According to him, I would also have to help with paying the bills such as the water, electric, and internet bills, as well as the property tax.
I personally thought that this was unfair because when Andrew was in college and still living at home, I let him stay at home for free.
I didn’t make him pay any of the bills so I didn’t think it would be fair for me to help pay the bills while I’m living at his house.
I told Andrew that I shouldn’t be required to pay the bills because I didn’t make him help pay the bills when he was living at my house during college and that he owed me a favor to me, his mother because I raised him all these years that it is rude to not help out a family member.
I also added that if I didn’t pay for his college, he wouldn’t get to where he is at today.
He responded by saying that fulfilling my legal obligations does not automatically mean that I should be expected to stay at his house for free and that I’m lucky that he’s letting me stay in his house, which I found rude, to say the least. He also added that it is unreasonable for me to stay anywhere for free anyways, as I am perfectly able to pitch in.
I’m in the process of moving into my son’s house and am preparing to sell my house. My son is still angry with me after the whole ordeal and I feel like I may have been asking too much of him, but I still feel like it shouldn’t be unreasonable of him to help out his mother.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You asked to live with him, but he didn’t offer, and you admit he didn’t seem too keen on the idea. Expecting to live there rent-free means you’re obligating him to support an extra person in the household indefinitely.
Having bedrooms that a person doesn’t sleep in doesn’t make them extra. They’re likely using those rooms for specific purposes, i.e. office, craft room, guest room, whatever. His wife may not be too crazy to have another person in the household, either.
His college tuition wasn’t an investment in your future room and board. If it was, you should’ve told him about the strings you were tying to it upfront. You’re basically submitting a bill to him many years later and that’s not fair.
He should’ve just told you flat out that he didn’t want you to live there, but he IS telling you pretty clearly through his actions. You just aren’t listening.” koifishyfishy
Another User Comments:
“I’m going with ‘everyone sucks here’ because while what you asked is not unreasonable, neither is what he asked. You did go above and beyond your parental duty by housing him during college and paying for his tuition.
You could have dropped him off at the dorms and told him to get a loan. Just like he can tell you to sell the house and put the equity into something smaller, or pay some rent.
You both took it to the extreme and need to communicate better.
Sounds like a big house, and there is room for you right now, but there might not be in the future and you will probably get used to forced child care a lot in addition to the rent you pay.
If that’s ok with you, great. If not, you should look at a senior community that does activities daily. There are some really neat places out there, and some really neat people. Set yourself up to be comfortable and well-socialized with good Healthcare nearby.
Your son is busy with his life and family, he won’t be there to help you with elder care just like most kids aren’t in modern countries.” EmEmPeriwinkle
Another User Comments:
“Yea… YTJ here.
Your son wasn’t thrilled to have you live with him and frankly, I can understand because of your reaction to the thought of paying. Yes, you let him live with you rent-free for college and he should reciprocate but he doesn’t have to.
This is not a good situation for you. Maybe consider buying a small condo or something you can handle. If he wants to expand his family having you there might not be conducive to that.
And he’s right you are lucky he’s letting you stay there, he doesn’t have to and he seems resentful. You probably shouldn’t plan to be there long or perhaps you should consider buying your own place.
He should have just said no from the onset because he clearly doesn’t want you there.
I’m not saying he’s totally right and frankly I wouldn’t behave the way he is with my parents.
But you seem entitled and rather pushy. Letting him live rent-free for a few years in college doesn’t translate to free housing for you for the next 20-30 years or however long you live.
It’s not rude to not help a family member especially if they are wanting to live for free for however many years.” User
8. AITJ For Not Letting A Family With A Baby Skip The Line?
“There was a two-hour line and I was second to go in to get tested. Suddenly a couple, along with a baby and an older lady I later found out was the grandma, showed up.
They made this constipated look, all three, and asked to cut the line because the dad (only him) needed to get tested for work as soon as possible.
Some people reluctantly agreed but I declined. There are two people that could have stayed home with that baby.
In my opinion, they brought it to cut the huge line.
Dad got upset and told me he’d be really quick. I told him it was still a no but he is welcome to cut behind me if everyone else agrees.
The mom rolled her eyes and started explaining to me how hard it is to have a baby and my attitude is the worst.
I got mad and told her no one made her have a kid.
She called me a jerk.
I thought I was right until my mom said it was rude of me to make them wait. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Lines exist for a reason.
If people allow you to cut in, that’s their choice. What made him having to get tested any more important than you having to get tested? Op is right about the baby tho.
There was no need to bring the whole fam when only one person was getting tested. This wasn’t a dinner out at Outback. They were using the baby as a means to gain sympathy to get through the line faster.
Glad that OP stuck to their guns. Wait like everyone else in that line had to.” soldier4hire75
Another User Comments:
“They’re either bringing in the kid to cut the line, are being extremely stupid by bringing a baby and an elderly person in a place full of sick people, or they’re lying about it only being for the dad and they actually all need to get tested and don’t want people refusing to let them cut the line because they’d take more time.
It’s weird they’d all be together, the dad could’ve brought the baby alone (although totally irresponsible and dangerous, that makes more sense than bringing the whole extended family). Oh and NTJ.” totallynotsockz
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – although you definitely could have been more peaceful in your responses. A firm no thank you and turn your back. Don’t respond any further. But you’re not wrong about their choices or their assumption that you owed them anything just because they had a baby with them.
You also don’t owe them any explanation or further attention. It’s okay to put your needs first and in this case, doing so didn’t compromise anyone else. You also don’t know their history – you probably assumed correctly that the dad was the dad, but maybe he wasn’t, maybe the mom was not happy to be there, or maybe they have other issues going on.
It’s always possible that someone didn’t choose to have a baby. Try to assume the best in people while also maintaining your own respect and needs for yourself. I think you’ll be a lot happier.
Just my opinion, tho. It’s worked great for me.” tygerfyre
7. AITJ For Resenting My Late Dad?
“I (17f) recently lost my dad (39m) to cancer.
It was really hard on me and the rest of my family (mom 38f, grandma/grandpa 60s). My dad and I were totally different people. He was super active in our church and loved everything outdoors, like camping, hiking, and college football, just a real blue-collar guy.
I’m the opposite, super liberal, into artistic stuff, and saving up to go to college. But we were really close because he always supported me in everything, even taking me to a musical for my last birthday when he was sick.
And even though our church is very conservative (think southern Baptist evangelical, we live in the South), he was never close-minded like some of them and was always friendly to my best friend who is openly gay.
My grandparents aren’t like that, they think anyone LGBTQ is a sinner and a bad influence.
I really looked up to my dad and I was devastated when he passed away. But it somehow got even worse after he died when I learned something really disturbing.
I was at the funeral when this strange tall guy showed up (30s, 40s?). I hadn’t seen him before and so I just assumed he was some random cousin (we have a huge family) or one of my Dad’s co-workers/clients.
The tall guy kept to himself in the back, but then my grandpa saw him and got really mad. Other people got upset and someone ran over to confront the man. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but it seemed like they were having an argument, and then the tall man abruptly left.
I got the full story out of my dad’s best friend a few days later. It turned out that the tall guy was my DAD’S LITTLE BROTHER. Someone I didn’t even know existed. But then it gets worse.
Kevin (dad’s brother) was kicked out of the family when he was 17 because the family found out he was gay. And my dad went along with it! He never again talked to his brother and everyone just shunned him for being a sinner.
Which, I can get my grandparents doing. They’re homophobic bigots. But my dad? He always told me it didn’t matter what someone was, you were supposed to treat them with kindness and respect.
But he didn’t do that for his own brother! He abandoned him as a teenager, A TEENAGER, like the rest of his family! And when I found out, I confronted my mom about it and we had a huge argument and I said some really terrible things about my dad and how I resented him and everything he claimed about treating people right was a lie because he couldn’t even do that for his little brother and that deep down he was a bad person.
My mom flipped out and now we aren’t talking.
And I also think I might be a jerk because, to me, he was amazing and caring. And I know my mom’s already hurting and I made it worse by insulting my dad after he’d already passed, and there’s nothing my words would do to fix things because my dad can’t change who he is anymore.
Anyway, AITJ for resenting my dad and shouting at my mom about stuff that can’t be fixed anymore?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That’s a terrible and heavy piece of information for you to have learned in such a painful way.
I’m so sorry for this and your loss because whatever his faults, he was still your dad.
Have you thought about reaching out to your uncle and maybe establishing a relationship with him?
You might learn more and you might learn that things were more complicated and nuanced than they currently feel.
A lot of times people do things when they’re younger and even though they regret them later in life, they don’t know how to fix them and make them right.
He might have thought that what he did was too shameful and his brother would never forgive him if he reached out and tried to make it right. Or he might have been too ashamed to admit to you and have you find out he wasn’t the man you thought he was.
People are complicated, relationships are complicated, and coming from a background like his can be hard to overcome. He already raised you better than he himself was raised, and I hope you at least give him credit for that.” yourlittlebirdie
Another User Comments:
“Very very very light YTJ here, but completely understandable both because of your age and your emotional state right now. There are two big problems that you probably haven’t ever had a chance to think about before, but I want to encourage you to really think about what it means to be an ally to your uncle and the rest of the LGBT+ community.
The first thing is that your uncle is still alive and knows exactly what happened with him and your dad. Your feelings and judgment have been made without ever talking with him about the reality of their relationship.
You are speaking for someone who is able to speak for themselves, but you don’t know what their message is. So in your fervor to stand up for your uncle, you’ve actually ended up standing in his way.
The second issue is the complement of the first. Your dad is no longer around to defend himself. He also knew his relationship with your uncle, and most importantly he knew what that information could mean to you and your relationship with the rest of your family, including your uncle.
Until and unless you know the whole story about why your father chose not to divulge your uncle’s existence to you before this time, you can be mad about that being hidden from you, but you have no right to impugn motives on someone who can no longer defend themselves.
All this is to say, please find your uncle and talk to him before your assumptions about their relationship destroy your memory of your father.” vanisaac
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – Grief is very strange.
You might go from resentment to extreme sadness to a horrible sense of loss, but hear me out…
Your father likely fought within himself over his little brother, and maybe that was why he was so open-minded when you knew him.
Maybe he was scared of being cast away from the family he knew, too. There are lots of things, but no doubt that the loss of his brother affected him and helped him realize later in life (if he didn’t then) that his brother was just like anyone else.
Things are not always so black and white, and when families go through things like that, it feels so hard to pick up the phone and reach out sometimes. Your father may have tried to reach out but didn’t know how to locate his brother or was simply scared his brother wouldn’t have him when he did.
Maybe he did reach out, and his brother was the one that was too angry and hurt to make amends. There are so many things at play, but I think knowing how open-minded your father was in your life speaks volumes.” User
Another User Comments:
“You have learned that your dad is a flawed human being and a hypocrite. It doesn’t mean you can’t love and cherish all the good in him. Also, as you were brought up in an Evangelical atmosphere where being judgmental and rigid is the norm, it is not surprising that your first reaction was to judge your dad.
He had his reasons for following his family’s judgment of your uncle. Maybe he didn’t want to lose his family. We don’t know. That your uncle showed up tells me that maybe your dad reached out to him in recent years and that may be why he told you not to judge gay people.
I think you need to contact your uncle to get the whole story. Apologize to your mom and forgive your dad. He is flawed as we all are but that does not mean he didn’t love you and you didn’t love him.
YTJ but no judgment because you are grieving.” Decent_Bandicoot122
6. AITJ For Calling Out My Sister For Being Bitter That She Doesn't Have Kids?
“I am 42 and my sister is 44. I am married and have two children with my wife, my sister on the other hand is single.
So a bit of background about my sister, she moved to NY at like 23 and since then would brag about going out with big shot guys (big lawyers, MDs at investment banks.) And was never interested in a guy at her own level.
Everyone in my family would hear the same story. She would post photos of the sick view from the roof of this guy’s apartment and brag about how he took her out. Then cry when she found out he was talking to 40 other women…
Then for the longest time told everyone she was done with men and was going to get in vitro and have a kid herself, but then never did.
Now we were all back during the holidays and then one of our family friends (our neighbor) had his fourth kid with his wife.
We were all having drinks (so just adults) and she tells our neighbor oh I couldn’t bring a kid into this world, with overpopulation and climate change it would be too irresponsible.
But looks like you and your wife are happy… My neighbor was like what… And I am like don’t mind her, she is just bitter she can’t find a husband.
Well, I thought this was a light-hearted joke/tease, well this led to her crying more than I have ever seen her.
Now everyone is like you shouldn’t have gone there, that our neighbor has a thick skin that I didn’t need to defend him. My sister hasn’t talked to me at all since then.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Her explanation of not having kids sounds like she was just trying to throw out her excuse as to why she doesn’t because of the way ppl with kids always ask why we don’t have any.
You knew she wanted to try having kids, even considered in-vitro (you don’t even know if she even tried yet and failed already and just didn’t want to inform the family) and you aimed for a sore spot for saying she was bitter because she doesn’t have a husband?
That’s messed up.
She could’ve phrased herself better but you didn’t have to go for a sensitive spot like that. Also, was the topic already on kids? Because it sounds like it was which explains why she’d answer like that.
And even then, what she said about her not having kids is still a reasonable response. You need to apologize to your sister.” Glassesaresmexy
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Not your sister’s business how many kids your friend has but EVERY parent in the world has been judged either for having too few or too many children.
Honest to God is an issue where you can’t please everyone. So more than likely your friend could defend himself. But you touched a very sensitive spot with your joke, took her biggest weakness, and weaponized it.
Not cool, especially from your brother.” FuuHouhouji
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She took an unprovoked jab at your neighbor during a friendly get-together. You took one back in defense of him. It sucks that it hurt her feelings, but she shouldn’t be able to take her frustrations out on other people because of the choices she made in life.
I have a sister like her: chose not to have kids while she waited on relationships that were obviously not going to pan out (men who were explicit about not wanting relationships, etc.) and she consistently takes those kinds of ‘light jabs’ at people who have kids.
What people don’t get is that those constant comments build up and they hurt the people on the receiving end. People like her rarely have to experience other people coming back at them.
It sucks that she was hurt, but if she doesn’t want to be hurt, she shouldn’t be trying to hurt other people.” Interesting-Go_On
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I don’t see anything wrong with voicing her opinion on why she is not having children, even to people that have 4 kids.
But it was rude when she then referenced their children.
But you? Wow! That was an incredibly mean-spirited and hurtful thing to say. You know this is a sensitive subject for her, so stop lying to yourself and others that ‘it was a joke’.
You know it wasn’t and you even said it in a moment when you were annoyed with her.” NolaJen1120
5. AITJ For Telling My Parents To Find A Babysitter?
“I (14M) have 5 siblings. Sam (18M), Lucy (16F), Bella (13F), Jasmine (11F), and Danny (9M).
Sam and Lucy are my half-siblings and Bella, Jasmine, and Danny are my full siblings.
Sam and Lucy have a different father than the rest of us and spend most every school break at their father’s house with his family.
When they are gone, I (as the oldest child in the house) have to babysit the younger ones when my parents are not home (they work a lot). It’s mostly just Jasmine and Danny that need babysitting, as Bella watches herself just fine.
Whenever I babysit I’m expected to be downstairs in the living room to keep an eye on Jasmine and Danny. Doesn’t matter if I had plans, I’m always stuck babysitting.
Both of my parents work.
My mother runs a business from home and my father is an electrician.
Over the winter break from school, Sam and Lucy were staying with their dad, so I had to babysit as per usual. But it was for longer and more often than normal. Like, hours on end multiple days in a row.
I had to cancel plans with a friend suddenly just to babysit.
I know that babysitting is important and my siblings need someone to watch them, but I barely got any time to relax during my break and only got to see my friends once.
One time over the whole 2-week break, and that had been planned ahead by about a month as it was a birthday party.
One day about a week ago, I was getting ready to go out with my friends to the park, when my mom walked in and told me I had to babysit, again.
I had babysat for the past 3 days for at least 6 hours each day.
I asked my mom why she couldn’t watch Jasmine and Danny and she told me she needed a break from them.
I told her that dad was home and asked why HE couldn’t watch them. My mom didn’t have any excuse and just told me to watch them. My dad came into the room to see what the fuss was about and told me to listen to my mother and just babysit.
I told him ‘No, I’m not babysitting. Neither of you is doing anything, I’ve had to babysit Jasmine and Danny for the past 3 days, and I already have plans.’
My dad told me that saying no wasn’t an option and I didn’t have a choice but to babysit.
I said that I don’t get any time to hang out with my friends and just be a kid anymore. They’re stressing me out constantly and making me watch their children for them.
My dad said that they really needed me to babysit, but I told him tough luck, they either treat me fairly or get a real babysitter. I then walked out and went to the park with my friends as I planned.
My parents are mad, so I’m wondering, AITJ?
UPDATE: My parents and I sat down and had a talk about this. They actually seemed to listen to my point of view and apologized. We’ve set up a system and schedule of when I would be asked to babysit (which is now much less than before and for shorter periods of time), so I know when I’m available to make plans with my friends.
I haven’t had to babysit yet since this incident, but will also now be getting paid about $30 per hour I babysit.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for the ending. It’s one thing if your parents are working and need help.
It is unfortunate that you didn’t get to fully enjoy your break, but if they’re working to put food on the table, then they’re not getting a winter break either.
But if they aren’t doing anything, then it’s not your job to babysit. It’s theirs. They’re the ones that had kids. You’re at an age where developing a social life is important.
I suggest talking to them and demanding a consistent schedule so you don’t have to keep canceling plans last min. Compare your availability with your parents’ availability. Keep track of how many hours you’re putting into babysitting per week (there are plenty of time clock sites online) and show them those time sheets so they understand how much they’re putting on you.
Point out to them how many hours a week you’re babysitting and compare it to a part-time job.” Golden-Amethyst
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to say a bit of ‘everyone sucks here’.
On one hand, they are definitely overburdening you, and it’s grossly unfair to come at you last minute, and you because of how you handled it.
Babysitting is definitely a JOB, and you should have a serious talk with your parents telling them if they’re going to work you with part-timer hours then they need to treat it like a job.
They need to give you AT LEAST a day’s warning and tell you how long it’s going to be so you can plan for it. In turn, if you have plans already let them know so they try not to book something fitting that time unless it’s an emergency.
And ideally, they need to PAY you especially if you’re working 6 hours a day.
And while they are absolutely handling it wrong, do try to be sympathetic. School is more or less ‘free daycare’ while parents work, and just because you are on vacation doesn’t mean they are.
So having kids home can be really tough to juggle during their vacation. Normally I’d be harder on parents putting that much pressure on their kids, but the crisis makes things a lot more complicated.
Talk to them, make them talk to you, come to an understanding together, and keep talking throughout to prevent similar issues from popping up because it’s really easy to slip back into bad habits.” dubbins112
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it’s one thing to help the family because it’s family and especially if it’s a solid unit of care. Especially to watch your siblings while parents are working.
But both of them are OFF working and expect you to do it because they’re tired? Sounds like THEIR problem for having the kids in general regardless of how they’re related. I wonder if your older siblings leave on breaks just to not have to be overworked babysitters because if that’s how they’re treating you then I guarantee they’re expected to babysit all times/no social life despite not making the spawn/and especially to watch the kids even though lazy burn out mom/dad are home.
Burnout happens to anyone but it’s a poor excuse to blow off your kids, especially your other kids. My mother did this and now my 2 siblings come to me and we all cut contact with her because of various other reasons but it infuriated her that I was seen as their mom.
Even though I’m only 3 and 6 years older than them BUT I had to give up most of my childhood for them, I don’t hate them for it though because they didn’t make mom do it or anything.
Just her very poor parenting.” User
4. AITJ For Not Wanting My Partner To Eat The Rest Of My Ice Cream?
“My (24F) partner (25M) bought us each ice cream last night. I pay for the majority of our food, but he decided to treat us.
We each ate half of ours which we let each other try, but later that night he asked if I minded if he finished his to which I responded of course I didn’t mind.
Just now, he asked me ‘can we eat the rest of your ice cream?’ I answered him no because he already ate his and I wanted to save mine and eat it later.
He got mad and called me selfish, but I think he’s being selfish for asking and saying ‘we’ when I know he only means himself. I know I get defensive over food sometimes because my brother and dad would always steal my sweets leaving me with nothing.
I’ve told my partner this before and yet he continually eats my food without asking, or asks and finishes all of something without letting me know. So, AITJ, and overreacting?
Edit: he argued that because I said we could just split something last night (large sundae) I shouldn’t complain because I only have ice cream left because of him.
He ended up packing up and leaving while giving me the cold shoulder and then saying I was the only one acting weird about it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all, he was being selfish, especially since you have told him you have a problem with being forced to share sweets or having them stolen from you.
Suggest that in the future with treats he buys himself extra portions rather than 50-50 since you are more likely to savor a small amount over a longer time. (some people won’t do that because it ‘feels’ rude but then they don’t see a problem with pushing you to share your portion later because that ‘feels’ more natural).” ViolaVetch75
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
He’s already had his share of ice cream. You’re saving your share for later. End of story. I don’t understand his over-the-top reaction to you refusing him. You aren’t selfish when you say you pay for the majority of your food.
This is yet another example of someone taking the other for granted. It’s just ice cream but probably a symptom or byproduct of a larger issue.” Oldgamerlady
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It was your ice cream, regardless of who paid for it.
He seems to think he has some claim to it because he paid for it. Nope. I also think it’s really weird that he would feel compelled to ask permission the night before to finish his ice cream.” Magnanimoe
3. AITJ For Not Letting My Son Use The Toys My Mother-In-Law Got Him?
“My wife and I have a 2-year-old son. He’s the only grandchild on my wife’s side, so my MIL is constantly buying him things.
At first, we were ok with it since we saw it as her just wanting to spoil her grandson. But when she started having items shipped directly to our house, I told my wife to talk to her mom about it.
MIL stopped shipping items to our house but hasn’t stopped wanting to buy our son a lot of new toys.
Every time she comes to visit she comes with a new toy. She will also buy him toys that are intended for children much older than he is.
When he tries to play with them and can’t figure them out or breaks them because he’s too little, he gets frustrated and throws tantrums. MIL seemed to think this was adorable and just a normal part of toddler behavior.
But I want him to play with toys that he enjoys playing with and are age-appropriate, not just stuff that MIL thought would be cool. It got to a point where I took every single toy MIL bought him and put them all in a storage bin in the garage.
We told MIL before Xmas that if she was going to buy him toys, they need to be age-appropriate. She kind of blew it off and said ‘He’s a smart boy, he’ll figure them out eventually.’ So of course, at Xmas, she shows up with a bunch of toys intended for kids 5 and up.
Of course, he gets all excited at the sight of them and wants to play with them all. But most of them require assembly and I’m not spending my time putting together toys that will result in tantrums.
So while my son was distracted by something, I grabbed all the new toys that were still in their boxes and brought them out to the garage. MIL caught me and asked me what I was doing.
I told her I was putting the toys away until our son is old enough to play with them. She said she didn’t buy the toys for them to be put on a shelf, she bought them to be played with.
I told her that he can play with them when he’s actually old enough, but until then, they go on a shelf.
MIL started to raise her voice and my wife noticed and stepped in.
She agreed with me and reminded her mom that we had already talked to her about this. MIL tried to get me to at least let him play with one particular toy, but it was a huge playset designed for kids almost 10 years old and I refused. I put them all in the garage and told MIL that now she didn’t need to buy him any new toys since he has a stockpile from her already.
MIL was short with me for the rest of her visit but didn’t bring it up again. After she left my wife told me that while she agrees with me, I could have at least waited until MIL left and humored her a bit.
But anyone with a toddler will tell you that if you see a window of distraction and can remove something that will cause tantrums, you take your opportunity. So I acted when I needed to.
I also told my wife that if she isn’t more clear to her mom about our expectations, then I will be and I probably won’t be as nice about it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Tell MIL instead of her loading him up with inappropriate toys that maybe she would do better by coming by and spending some time with him. She could read him a book, watch an age-appropriate movie with him, or just sit and listen to him for a while.
Kids remember things like this a lot longer than they’ll remember a toy that broke five minutes after they tried to play with it.” shlbycindy1
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
MIL sucks because she is not respecting your wishes about age-appropriate toys.
You suck because you didn’t even wait for her to leave. You very openly just carried all her gifts away and immediately to the garage… not even slightly subtle (for example: ‘Hey let’s put these in KIDSNAME’s room for now so they aren’t in the way right now’ would get them out of your kid’s eyesight and still make it seem like you weren’t immediately shoving them into storage).” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, first, you and your wife need to set stronger boundaries with MIL. Also, it sounds kind of like she might be getting toys that are for bigger kids so she can swoop in and ‘save the day’ by helping your toddler figure out the toys and avoid a tantrum.
though I could be wrong about that.
Don’t keep the toys out, if anything, donate any more that she brings or toys that are too big to store or toys that are way too complicated and make it clear all the stuff she buys that isn’t age-appropriate will get donated with no exceptions.” _ac3_0f_spad3s_
2. AITJ For Kicking My Parents Out After Learning About My Half-Sister?
“I (28) love my parents they’ve always been great to me, loved me, and supported me. They’ve been staying with me and my wife since we had a baby to help out and if I’m being honest it has been a great help having them around.
Yesterday my dad asked me to get the mail from his place after work so he can pay his bills. Well, I got the mail and most of it is bills and ads but one actual letter.
I didn’t think anything of it and gave it to my dad. He apparently threw it out but my wife noticed it in the trash and read it (she didn’t know what it was when she saw it).
She brought it to me and it was addressed to my dad as ‘father’ so obviously my half-sister. She’s pregnant and asking for money cause it’s harder for her to make it and she just wants to support her baby.
I confronted my parents and yeah. She’s 21ish, born from my dad’s affair, he gave her money until she graduated, she’s written him letters, and she’s apparently not in college cause she’s broke.
He just told me he’s done supporting her and she isn’t his responsibility. We talked more about it for half an hour. My mom was quiet and my dad has never been like that.
I don’t even know the word to describe how he was. It just made me so angry I made them leave right there without even taking their things back. Cause it feels like it’s my fault.
I have a sister out there who’s living like garbage while I’m out here enjoying my life.
After looking into her a bit more I talked to two cousins two hours ago and they’re both divided on if I did the right thing.
One cousin thinks I was a jerk for making my parents leave without talking things through or even making a plan but her sister thinks I did the right thing. My wife told me she’s staying out of it since she regrets reading somebody else’s mail.
I just don’t know myself I feel like a jerk for making my parents leave cause I love them so much but at the same time I feel so mad over the situation.
Edit: since people are wondering if my mom knew because she was so quiet, she knew everything.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It sounds like what you’re most hurt by is that your parents treated you well, and you saw them as good people.
Now that you see how your father treated his other child (and your mother’s complicity), you feel like you don’t know them anymore. It’s not just the lying – it’s the fact that your parents have supported you and given you advantages, while your half-sister was treated like an afterthought and a dirty secret.
It sounds like you also have a lot of guilt, because your parents set you up for success, while not doing the same for your half-sister. I think it’s completely understandable to have a lot of feelings of hurt and betrayal.
You can’t make up for what happened to your half-sister, but it sounds like you may want to reach out and offer her some support. I think that might be healing for you both.
I would just recommend maybe getting some therapy to process this, and also make sure you’re on the same page as your wife if you do offer your sister any support to make sure you aren’t spreading your emotional and financial resources too thin out of guilt that shouldn’t really belong to you.
You sound like a good person who is grappling with life-altering information. Please try to take care of yourself.” TealHousewife
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You are an adult with your own wife and child.
You are going to make mistakes in your relationship with both of them. Your parents do not have to justify to you the choices they have made in their marriage or with their other children that did not directly affect you.
Your parents worked through a difficult marital situation. While your half-sibling has every right to judge them based on her experience with them, you don’t.
Also, your wife is a huge jerk because she chose to continue to read your father’s personal mail well after she knew it wasn’t her business.
Now that you know she exists, you can try to get to know your half-sibling. But this should be independent of your parents and do not try to ‘make up’ for the life you had with your parents because of what happened between her and them.” LaNOd1va
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Sounds to me like your parents were planning to take this to the grave and that’s probably the arrangement that was made between your dad and mum, given how quiet she was this was probably (understandably) a point of contention that would have broken the marriage had he been open about it to you.
I mean he obviously lied to your mother but your parents are together so that just seems like the likely scenario. Just my two cents on that.
Your parents, mostly your dad, obviously shouldn’t have kept this from you, but I would wait until you cool down and then have a real discussion where possible.
NTJ for wanting space given the huge revelation this has turned out to be. If you’re really upset about doing that to them, then just apologize and admit you were just overwhelmed with emotion and that you do love them.” ThePunchlineIsFunny
Another User Comments:
“I’m giving a soft YTJ. It doesn’t sound like your mom knew about this situation, but she’s being punished alongside your dad. It was his affair, not hers. I don’t think kicking them both out while in the heat of the moment was the best decision, you should’ve taken time to yourself and talked more later before deciding to boot them.
But it’s your place so you have every right to kick them out no matter the reason. You shouldn’t feel responsible for your half-sister though.
Where was her mom in all this? Your dad did support her through college and it’s not his fault she got pregnant, he may have been extreme in his reaction to stop supporting her but she’s an adult and he doesn’t legally have to support her anymore.
I think you need more information about their relationship, so you can understand better. Wait until your feelings cool off a little though so it can be a civil talk. You can reach out to try to talk to your half-sis and get her side of the story, maybe start a friendship if you want, but you should not feel at fault for enjoying your life just because she isn’t.” savthesage
1. AITJ For Giving My Wedding Dress And Jewelry To My Sister?
“I was supposed to get married in 2019 but we broke up a month before the wedding. My wedding dress and jewelry were paid for by my ex and I only received them after the breakup.
When we broke up, I tried to return my engagement ring to him but he refused to take it back so I assumed he wouldn’t want the dress or jewelry back either.
My sister got married a year later and I gave her both the dress and the jewelry as realistically I could never wear them but they were far too beautiful for someone not to have their special day in them.
Last year, my ex and I reconnected and we started going out again. I asked him recently why he never canceled the dress and jewelry after we broke up, which led to him asking if I still had them and me having to explain I gave them both to my sister.
Well, now he’s angry at me. He said I should’ve asked him before I gave it to her but he and his family had all blocked me everywhere, so unless I stalked him in person, I wouldn’t have been able to.
He also made some absurd claims like the dress and jewelry clearly meant so little to me so it was a good thing I never married him in them, which isn’t true.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This may have been a manipulation tactic based on narcissistic tendencies. He didn’t want the ring and other stuff back because he expected you to keep them and think of him every time you looked at them.
He wanted you to mourn losing him forever. Now he finds out you didn’t and he’s angry. Just look at the drama of the breakup: Whatever happened was apparently terrible enough that he and all his family decided to block you but just two years later it’s all fine and dandy again.
Sounds like someone you should stay broken up with.” ExcuisiteGerbil
Another User Comments:
“I don’t know why people are saying NTJ when you are obviously a big jerk. And so is your sister.
She just wanted the free stuff. It’s very low-mannered what you did. You only tried to return the engagement ring but you should have never assumed that the same goes for the other stuff.
You should have asked. Your partner has the right to be hurt. You could have found a way to contact him and ask despite being blocked but you knew he wouldn’t agree so you just went on and gave them away because it was convenient for you.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Given you had confirmed he didn’t want the ring back, the fact that he didn’t reach out regarding the dress and was preventing you from getting in touch with him to let you ask means it was a pretty fair assumption to make that he didn’t want it back.
At that point, it is your wedding dress, and given you have no use for it yourself at this point and likely no desire to keep and store it indefinitely, why not let someone else make use of it?
If anything that sounds much more respectful than if you had just sold it or otherwise disposed of it…” nrsys
Another User Comments:
“I think everyone sucks here. I think it was petty and odd for his whole family to block you everywhere.
But obviously, he didn’t cancel the dress and jewelry because he wanted you to have them. I think everyone blocking you shows you that he had a hard time after your initial breakup.
It’s nice that you helped your sister but I wouldn’t be able to do what you did. I think you’re slightly a jerk in this scenario. If I gave my ex something valuable and I found out later that he gave it to his brother I would feel uncomfortable about that too.” User
