People Hope We’ll Be Kind When Judging Their “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
21. AITJ For Refusing To Fund My Younger Sister's Lavish Wedding?
“I’m a 32-year-old man, and I have a younger sister, who we will call Emily, who is 24.
My parents have always spoiled her, and it’s only gotten worse as we’ve gotten older. I don’t mind helping family, but this situation has gone too far. Here’s the story.
I started working right out of college, saved diligently, and now I own a small but successful business.
My parents, on the other hand, haven’t been great with money. They’ve always lived beyond their means, and as a result, they never really had savings to fall back on.
Emily, being the youngest, was pampered throughout her childhood and teenage years. She got everything she wanted – new car at 16, fully funded college tuition (which she dropped out of), and frequent shopping sprees.
I, on the other hand, worked part-time jobs and took out student loans to get through school.
Fast forward to now: Emily is getting married to her partner of two years. They announced the engagement a few months ago, and my parents were over the moon.
They immediately started planning a lavish wedding, far beyond what they can afford. Naturally, they turned to me for financial support.
At first, it was small things – “Can you help with the engagement party?” and “Could you chip in for the dress?” I agreed, thinking it wouldn’t be much.
But then they started asking for more – “We need help with the venue deposit,” and “The catering is going to cost a lot, can you cover it?”
I sat down with them and explained that while I’m doing well financially, I’m not made of money, and I have my own expenses and future to think about.
They brushed it off, saying it’s my duty to help family, especially my sister. They even suggested I take out a loan if necessary.
The last straw was when they asked me to pay for the honeymoon. I put my foot down and told them I’m done funding the wedding.
My parents were furious. They accused me of being selfish and ungrateful, saying that family should come first. Emily, of course, sided with them and is now barely speaking to me. She’s posting passive-aggressive stuff on social media about “selfish people” and “not being able to rely on family.”
My parents are now telling everyone in our extended family that I’m refusing to help my sister in her time of need, and I’m getting a lot of backlash. Some relatives have called to scold me, while others are staying out of it.
I’m starting to feel guilty, but at the same time, I think it’s unfair to expect me to bankroll such an extravagant event.
So am I the jerk for this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If it’s possible to get refunds for some of the things you’ve already put deposits on I would do so.
You’re the bride’s brother not a cash machine. You don’t say whether you’re close with your sister. Is she aware of the amount of support you have given so far? Or does she think mom and dad shelled out tens of thousands and you’re balking at some individual item that’s relatively short money?
In any event, your success does not oblige you to bankroll their idiocy.” Thedudeabides470
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am sorry you are dealing with this. It is so hard when your own family manipulates and gaslights you, but that is what is happening. Hold your boundary and hold strong.
They are treating you as a source and your relationship as transactional; your feelings are valid. Have you read about the Golden Child/Scapegoat dynamic? This is giving that. I know that dynamic firsthand as a scapegoat and it is awful. Hang in there.” TheEmpressIsIn
Another User Comments:
“I would get on Excel and have a rundown of what you contributed to the wedding with receipts and post it in the family and extended family group chat. “Contrary to what you have been told this is what I have spent on my sister’s wedding already.
My parents are treating me like a bank and now I have run dry. Anyone who has anything to say about my lack of contribution is free to help them fund an event they clearly cannot afford. You are also welcome to start saving for sister’s next wedding as well since I will not be contributing to that one.
Mom, Dad, and sister, I hope the money was worth your relationship with me.” Stop saying yes, stop replying. Tell them that your contributions have left you in debt. Once they think the well is dry they will leave you alone. NTJ.” Whorible_wife69
20. AITJ For Yelling At My Husband Over Our Foster Daughter's Care?
“I (37F) and my husband (39M) have been fostering our 6-month-old foster daughter for almost three months now. When she first came to us, her parents had been arrested for issues related to substance misuse and neglect, and they are now facing a prison sentence.
With no other family available to care for her, we took her in.
When she arrived at 3 1/2 months old, she was severely malnourished and neglected both physically and emotionally. I’ve cared for newborns born addicted to substances who were more settled than she was. It was suspected that she had been left to cry for hours on end, with no one tending to her.
Fast forward to today: she has gained sufficient weight, is starting to show an interest in solid food, and is catching up with her milestones. However, her emotional and social development remains a concern. She rarely smiles, is hard to calm down, and needs to be held and comforted constantly.
She is not babbling or cooing like some babies do and won’t sleep on her own, needing to be rocked to sleep. Sometimes, she wakes up 3-4 times a night and won’t settle on her own.
My mother-in-law came over while I was holding the baby in a carrier while doing some house cleaning.
The baby was getting cranky, so I took her into the nursery to rock her to sleep for a nap. It took about 45 minutes. When I came out, my mother-in-law said I should just leave her in the crib to cry it out; otherwise, she’ll never settle.
I told her that wasn’t an option. About 45 minutes later, the baby woke up. So, I took her into the living room and sat on the floor to play with her. My mother-in-law suggested I should just get a playpen and let her learn to entertain herself.
I again said that she gets upset to the point of being inconsolable if left alone for more than a minute or two.
Fast forward a few days later, we went over to my mother-in-law’s house for brunch. The social worker believes we have a good chance of legally adopting the baby.
When we discussed this, my mother-in-law told my husband that we better stop coddling the baby so much, otherwise we’ll have a spoiled child on our hands. Annoyed, I told her that I wasn’t going to let a baby cry it out, especially one we are trying to form a positive bond with.
My mother-in-law was miffed but said nothing.
Later that night, my husband said his mom made a good point. I yelled, feeling bad because it unsettled the baby and took a while to calm her down. I asked him how he would feel if he was locked in a room for hours with no food, no water, and no one tending to his needs, and no matter how much he begged and cried, he was ignored. I told him that the developmental pediatrician said she is making progress with forming a bond and learning to trust again, and that we need to keep being patient.
He apologized for upsetting me, but now I feel like I might have overreacted by yelling at him when he was just trying to discuss it with me.
I just want what is best for our foster daughter, regardless of whether she returns to her family, goes to a new family, or stays with ours.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ you did not overreact. Your mother-in-law has NO idea what she’s spouting off about. Even for non-mistreated babies, at that age, you should NOT let them cry it out. And this is from someone who wants to shove ice picks in her ears when she hears babies cry.
Your husband needs to tell his mom that her UNINFORMED opinion is not wanted and if she continues to offer unsolicited advice, she will not be welcome at your home. You are a bit of a jerk for yelling, but at some point, people snap.
He knows exactly why you’re acting how you’re acting, but he thinks mommy magically knows better than pediatricians, social workers, and science?” No-Locksmith-8590
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This feels very much like those in-laws or friends who cannot understand estranged familial relations and will attempt to broker reconciliations with family members you are no contact with for a reason.
It’s a situation they can’t understand cause they’ve been lucky enough to never experience. Your mother-in-law’s experience with raising a child is not of stepping in to care for a child who has experienced a level of neglect in its short life so far to put in a serious deficit that she’s never experienced. This child is different from the child or children she has raised. This child has specific needs her child(ren) never had.
She needs to stop commenting & criticizing. Also, your husband needs to get on your team 100%.” KindlyCelebration223
Another User Comments:
“First off, NTJ. I have actually been in your shoes. You are doing everything right!!!! My daughter was our foster child. We were placed with her at 5 months.
It took a very long time for her to get over the neglect. I had to also hold her constantly. She had night terrors too. I have fostered many babies and you need to do exactly what you are doing. She will guide you. Do NOT listen to your mother-in-law.
Listen to your pediatrician and therapist. And thank you. My daughter is about to graduate HS. I feel privileged to have been able to be in her life (as I do with all the children I fostered). We adopted 3. Good luck.” Playful-Sprinkles-59
19. AITJ For Refusing To Cancel My Vacation To Babysit My Sister's Kids Last Minute?
“So, I (28F) am this close to a long-awaited vacation in Hawaii with my partner (30M). We saved up for months for this trip and haven’t had a real break in over two years.
Yesterday, my single-mother sister (32F) calls me freaking out. Apparently, her babysitter canceled last minute, and she has a huge work presentation tomorrow night. She has two kids (5/3), who are a handful (to put it mildly). She begs me to rebook our flights for later.
I explained that she’s talking about our vacation and everything is booked and paid for. My sister got really huffy and said I was being selfish and could at least try. Flights to Hawaii are expensive, and there’s no way I could find something affordable on such short notice.
My partner thinks I handled it fine, but now I’m feeling guilty. AITJ for refusing to give up my vacation to babysit?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Her work issue isn’t your emergency. And I doubt your sister was offering to cover the costs of your flight rebooking, lost hotel reservation, and lost days of PTO.
Your sister has some gall to even call you. Certainly, she must have had some friend or family member who might be available who wouldn’t have to give up their vacation to do so. I’m left wondering what the real reason is that her babysitter canceled…
Poorly behaved kids? Insufficient payment? Is your sister staying at work later than agreed upon? Just saying that she doesn’t exactly sound like a model client…” teresajs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, usually people are paid to babysit, I can see you skipping on getting paid to help your sister, but her expecting you to practically sacrifice hundreds of dollars so you could babysit is a bit too much.
You can tell her that you’ll think about it if she promises to reimburse you for the cost of rescheduling everything, but I have a feeling that she’ll cuss you out and then magically find another person or babysitter to help with her kids.” Lopsided_Put4682
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it’s completely unreasonable for her to expect you to change your vacation plans to accommodate her. She needs to pursue other options: 1) Hire another babysitter. 2) Contact her mom-friends to see if they can take the kids for a few hours.
3) Ask her mom-friends if they have a reliable babysitter they can recommend. 4) Ask her parents for help. 5) Ask the children’s father for help. 6) Ask the children’s paternal grandparents for help. 7) Tell her employer her childcare plans fell through and she needs to reschedule.” Used_Mark_7911
18. AITJ For Wanting My Fiancée To Limit Her Sleepovers With Her Best Friend?
“I (23M) have been with my fiancée (23F) for 3 years, engaged for about a month, and we live together. She has a best friend (25F) who she has been friends with for years.
My fiancée and I both work full time, 7 am- 6 pm including the commute, and she sometimes has to work Saturdays (around twice a month).
It feels like we have limited time together even though we live together because of our busy schedules.
The issue at the moment is that my fiancée is spending the night at her friend’s house about twice a week. I don’t have any issue with her spending time with her friend, I’m glad she has a support system outside of me, but I just ask that she comes home after.
There’s also a big issue with her telling me she’s coming home, and then telling me last minute that she’s staying. Resulting in me making us dinner or other plans and then having to cancel or eat alone. It hurts my feelings and makes me feel like second fiddle.
I have thoroughly communicated my feelings time and time again, even bringing it up in therapy and it doesn’t seem to change.
I have asked her to limit sleepovers to once a month. Not seeing her friend, she’s free to do that whenever and obviously does not need my permission to do so, just sleepovers.
She thinks this is unreasonable and limiting, saying that I’m a controlling jerk. I don’t think I am. I just want to spend quality time with her and I don’t feel like that is an unreasonable request, but maybe I’m wrong. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You both have your own ideas of what is and isn’t acceptable in a relationship, “telling me last minute that she staying. Resulting in me making us dinner or other plans and then having to cancel or eat alone.” That part, however, needs to end.
That’s not meeting any definition of “Reasonable Communication.”” KronkLaSworda
Another User Comments:
“NTJ y’all aren’t at all ready to be married though. And changing plans at the last minute after you’ve already made dinner/plans is just plain rude. If you stay engaged, make it a, like 5-7 year engagement because you two (her mostly it sounds to me) are NOT ready to be married at all.” Hot_Box_4574
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sleeping over somewhere else twice a week is excessive. You both work full time, so that’s either every night that she doesn’t have to work the next day, or she is going to work from her friend’s place. Whatever the reason, that is too much.
Her lack of communication is also a problem. There is really no excuse for changing plans on you multiple times a week. I don’t want to make stuff up here, but if my fiancee were doing this, I would suspect that she has a romantic relationship on the side, either with this friend, or this friend is covering for her.
So the real question here is: do you actually know where your fiancee is when she doesn’t come home? You mention you’ve been engaged for a month. Did you propose hoping to change this behavior? Or did the behavior get worse after the engagement? If either is true, I’d say that she is not ready to get married and she may be sabotaging the relationship.
Since it’s only been a month, I’m guessing you haven’t made concrete wedding plans. I suggest you don’t. I’m not saying it’s time to cancel the engagement, but if your fiance can’t even respect you enough to follow through with your dinner plans, you have a lot of work to do.
(It just occurred to me that she may be planning the wedding with her BFF/MOH. If that’s the case, she needs to explain that to you.)” 1962Michael
17. AITJ For Choosing A Different Cosplay Costume Than My Husband Made For Me?
“I (26F) have been married to Eric (26M) for 2 years now. We met at a comic-con type event and immediately hit it off.
We both share our love for cosplay, video games, and a lot more.
I’ve been into cosplay since I was a kid. In college, I found some like-minded friends, and we hit many comic conventions with our awesome costumes.
But I was never a good designer or a seamstress.
It was always buy something that I like and do little mods and add accessories kinda deal. But I enjoyed it a lot.
It was during this time I met Eric, and oh golly he’s a master designer and he’s good with electronic stuff too!
He makes these really awesome costumes with lights and stuff that is on another level when compared with what I do. (His proudest achievement is an Iron Man costume with a light-up arc reactor, eyes, and palm rockets which is a sight to behold at night.)
Anyway, after we met he made costumes for me also, and we hit conventions like it’s no one’s business.
Ok, coming to the problem now. My college friends invited me to a convention a month ago, and I said yes. I decided to go as Starlight (the boys).
I did not mention this explicitly to Eric.
Today Eric surprised me with an ongoing project of ours. We were on our way to making a Malenia costume (Elden ring) for me, for a convention that’s later this year. Eric had finished the costume early to surprise me for the convention next week.
Mind you, this is a very complicated piece to put on and it has some electrical plugs too while putting it on which I’m not too comfortable doing alone.
I said I already decided on going as Starlight, and he asked to show the costume, so I showed the one-piece starlight costume I got for this event.
He said it was a typical provocative hot girl costume, and I said maybe I want to be a provocative hot girl with my friends, and not be completely out of place at a not-too-fancy convention with a fancy sophisticated costume. I just wanted to be simple and just feel hot in my hometown with my old friends.
I could see that he was very hurt by my remark, and I said I can still wear it to the original convention according to our plan anyway. He said still I should have mentioned my costume earlier, so he could not have rushed the Malenia costume.
Then I told him that he should have asked me first and that it’s not his responsibility to make me costumes for everything.
He had to leave for work, so this is where we stand now. AITJ here?
PS – I read this all again, and I want to clarify that when he said ‘provocative’ it was not disrespectful.
We review a lot of costumes in our free time, and we give them a ‘provocative-ness’ ranking out of 10 amongst other scores. I have worn 10/10 provocative-ness costumes with and without him before and it’s not an issue. It’s just that he thinks the store-made ones are too generic.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. This is one of those early marriage communication issues that comes up and gives you a good opportunity to talk about things like expectations and plans. It sounds like you both could have been better at communicating in this particular instance.
An earlier chat of “hey honey, I’m going to wear Starlight to this convention” could have helped your husband manage his time and workload a little better. Your husband also could have asked you what you planned to wear and not pushed himself based on his own assumptions.
I’d just remind him that you’re grateful for all the work he put into the costume and you are looking forward to wearing it next time, and hopefully he will understand that sometimes you just want a chill, easy costume. I hope you have fun!” Taycotar
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You’re entitled to wear what you want. BUT…Since you know he often makes your costumes, I don’t understand why you didn’t tell him ages ago what you wanted to go as. You had to know there was a chance he was already working on something for you.
I guess I don’t understand why he always makes your costumes, and yet this one time you decided to go as something else without ever giving him a heads-up. I can see why he’d be hurt after doing that work and assuming you’d love it, like you have many other times in the past. It’s basically just miscommunication by both of you, and you both sound like you aren’t jerks.” Trick_Photograph9758
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It was kind of him to finish the costume early as a surprise. Unfortunately, the downside to doing anything as a surprise is that the person may have already made other plans. This is probably a good chance to check in about expectations for surprises in the cosplay department going forward, and what he can expect/how he can discreetly probe if you have a cosplay picked out already.
I also think that it’s good to reassure him that you also love the “complicated” cosplays and that you aren’t trying to draw a line/divide him from your friends. To him, you going back to this “simple” convention in a “simple” costume may feel like you’re rejecting some part of his ideas.
It might seem silly, but to him it isn’t. You can also raise the issue during that convo of how you sometimes do want to wear a simple cosplay, and he doesn’t need to break his back for extras all the time.” ConstructionNo9678
16. AITJ For Attending My Son's Game When His Mother Didn't Want Me There?
“I (34M) have been divorced from my ex (31F) since December.
We got divorced after I spent a summer trying to fix our marriage when I discovered her affair. After saying she’d never be faithful to me again, we separated and were finally over. We share our 4-year-old son who is just my whole world. I only live in this town because we moved here for her to go to school, where she met her affair partner and left me; so I’m really only here for my son.
He is currently playing T-Ball and had his second game the other week, where the issue started.
I’ll spare some of the other drama for another post if needed, but after that game, my ex and I got into a few verbal arguments about how I treated her AP and mother and that I was apparently ‘rude’ and ‘unwelcoming’ to them.
I still don’t know what I should have done in that situation….was I supposed to be jolly and act like their affair and lies didn’t matter? Like I was supposed to treat them as family? No thanks. I don’t plan to be rude, but I don’t see any need to be friendly either, I’m just neutral as I’m tired of giving her or them any of my emotions.
Now, to the issue:
My son and his team were invited to the local Triple-A ballclub for their season opener to meet the team and watch the game on a Wednesday. So I told my ex I would meet them there as this was a fun event that I wanted to be present for with my son.
She said that I was not invited and should not go as it is her day to have my son and because I created an uneasy feeling for her, I shouldn’t go. I took this very personally as there was no way I was going to be denied time with my son for her issues.
She said “Well, if you’re there, just know it’s my right if we do not come at all” to which I responded, “I will be fine and can handle being around you all, so if you don’t come, that’s on your conscience.”
Well, I went to the game, and she did not.
She did not bring our son, so there I was as the only parent without their kid present for the game. I still joined the team as I’m an honorary coach and wanted to support them all, but I left soon after as I just didn’t know what to do.
I feel as if she has chosen her ‘comfort’ over what was best for our son. I’m not even mad, just disappointed and realizing how selfish she is. AITJ? I know I have every right to be at my son’s events, and I’m not going to sacrifice that time with him, but this was just hard to bear so I’m seeking advice.
I felt like my son was robbed of a wonderful moment and that this will be a theme for our post-divorce life and I don’t want that for my kid. We have not spoken on the issue since it happened and I’ll be seeing her for the first time today to get my son back.
She says we need to ‘respect’ each other and act like stable parents, but then she goes and pulls this on me, which I feel is way more disrespectful, but could I be wrong?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wife is horrible and not just because she’s unfaithful.
She is using your son as a pawn to get her way and that’s the last thing that should be allowed. I would take note of all instances like this. So if it continues, you can bring it to the attention of a judge. Who can either force her to stop this nonsense or do something about the present custody arrangement.” Old_Inevitable8553
Another User Comments:
“OP – NTJ and I would document this and bring it up in court. Regardless if it’s her day, your child has the right to not be isolated. By keeping him from the game, she isolated you. If you helped his team, you were bound to be expected to be there.
Period. Our court orders literally spell out that we must do what’s in the best interest of our daughters and if they’re in sports/extracurriculars, we have to******* up.” SorryRestaurant3421
Another User Comments:
“Info: OP, I am curious if situations like this are addressed at all in custody agreements.
Yes, it is her day to have custody, but what are your rights on those days? Can your ex-wife exclude you from being present at your son’s games, school events, or other public venues? Do you have restrictions beyond normal social behavior? If it was me, I would call the Judge’s Secretary who heard your divorce case & ask for advice.
This is cheaper than calling your Attorney, and in my experience, a Judge’s Secretary/Office Assistant/Clerk often has a wealth of knowledge & information. (This works in a small county courthouse, not sure about big, busy city Courts). Good luck.” stephnetkin
15. AITJ For Leaving My Nieces After My SIL Criticized Me For Getting The Wrong Groceries?
“I, a 28-year-old woman, have an older brother who’s married and has two kids. My brother and I have always been close and I adore their kids. I don’t have children of my own yet (my husband and I have been married for 4 years and we’ve been trying to conceive for 2 years now).
They often ask me to babysit. I also take them to the park sometimes or just hang out with them to give my brother and his wife a break.
Everything was great until last weekend. I had planned to take my nieces to the park for a couple of hours.
My sister-in-law called me in the morning and asked if I could pick up some groceries for them on my way over. I agreed no problem. When I got to their house with the groceries my sister-in-law was visibly annoyed. She started going off about how I got the wrong brand of butter and that the fruit I bought wasn’t fresh.
She even complained that I was a few minutes late which was because of the extra stop I made for the groceries.
I tried to brush it off but she just kept going making comments about how “I don’t understand the stress of raising kids.” I finally snapped and told her she should be grateful I’m even helping out.
She said she doesn’t need my help if I’m going to have an attitude. I told her to deal with her own groceries and left without taking the kids to the park.
Now my brother is upset with me for “abandoning” the kids and not keeping my promise to them.
He says I should have just let my sister-in-law’s comments slide for the sake of the kids. I feel bad about disappointing my nieces but I also feel like I shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of treatment.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister-in-law’s comments are wildly out of line (even for stressed-out parents). Given that situation I think leaving wasn’t a jerk move, it’s actually probably the better move since you were able to avoid escalating this verbal altercation. As for your nieces, unfortunately, sometimes plans get cancelled. This was out of your control and your nieces had nothing to do with it as well – if anything, make it up to them with another visit.
“Now my brother is upset with me for “abandoning” the kids and not keeping my promise to them.” Upset, but, not upset enough to put together a visit with you and the girls on his own, right?” naisfurious
Another User Comments:
“Your sister-in-law is a jerk and your brother is the hat she wears.
He doesn’t care how she treats the world as long as her vile behavior isn’t directed at him. He doesn’t care one bit how you feel. He is not grateful for the help you give, he feels entitled to your time. He feels that his wife has the right to treat you any way she wants because it is easier for him.
You need to stop helping and let them learn to appreciate your time and support. You need to accept that if you have a child they will never be there for you. They will never give you the love and support you have given. You will never be deserving in their eyes because nobody will have tried, suffered, and worked as hard as them at being parents.
NTJ.” Igottime23
Another User Comments:
“”Now my brother is upset with me for “abandoning” the kids and not keeping my promise to them. He says I should have just let my sister-in-law’s comments slide for the sake of the kids.” Totally unacceptable to enable horrendous behavior.
If you cave in, it will only enable more enabling and the obnoxious behavior of the sister-in-law. Don’t let your brother snooker you with this abandonment manipulation. No more favors or availability unless they make an honest effort at appreciation. Don’t make an ultimatum about it.
Just do it.” Scenarioing
14. AITJ For Insisting The Penthouse Owner Either Make His Terrace Public Or Pay For Repairs?
“I live in an apartment block and recently became a member of the Homeowners Association (HOA). There’s a man who lives in the penthouse and has been the president of the HOA for the past five years. His apartment terrace has been leaking into the apartment below him for the same amount of time.
The resident below has been consistently complaining to the HOA, insisting that the penthouse guy needs to fix the issue before it spreads further.
The penthouse owner claims that the open area of his terrace is not his private property and that the repair costs should be covered by the HOA (from the maintenance fees collected from all tenants).
However, this terrace is not open to public use and is privately enjoyed by him alone.
Upon inspection, I found that his terrace has a lot of plants and customizations that might have contributed to the leakage over time. He continues to refuse to repair it at his own expense.
During a recent confrontation, I told him that if he claims the terrace is public property, then all the tenants should have access to it. If he wants to keep it private, then he needs to be responsible for the repairs. He didn’t take this well and argued back.
Given his long tenure as HOA president and his refusal to address this issue, I’m wondering if I handled this the right way.
So, AITJ for insisting that he either opens his terrace for public use if it’s “public property” or takes responsibility for the repairs since he enjoys it privately?”
Another User Comments:
“This is all going to depend on the CC&Rs of your HOA. I have a balcony attached to my unit. No other unit can access it. However, maintenance is the responsibility of the HOA per the CC&Rs. I’m responsible for everything walls in.
If he’s made actual modifications that are creating this issue, there would be additional legal issues to consider. You simply saying it should be public property is inaccurate.” Kasparian
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Get the whole building to sign a petition. If the HOA president doesn’t fix his terrace at 100 percent his own cost (because he is dragging his feet), he gets kicked from being HOA president AND HOA will force him to do it or HOA will now and forever do all the terrace work.
(Whichever option you all choose.) Make him be guilted into it, I guess since you don’t want to go the legal route. Make sure he also knows he can’t have big plants up there too since he can’t handle the responsibility well. What are the rules for ousting the president?
Is there someone available (better) to step in?” Trick_Delivery4609
Another User Comments:
“This isn’t really a moral issue it’s a legal one. At the end of the day, an HOA is a contract that was signed by all of the property owners and it should specify who is responsible for the maintenance and upkeep of each bit of the property.
Sometimes this can result in a case where part of the property that is only relevant to one person is wholly or partially the responsibility of the HOA. For example, in my HOA the walls around the backyards of the units are 50% the owner’s responsibility and 50% the HOA’s responsibility because that’s how it’s specified in the contracts.
So frankly the moral part of it doesn’t matter, you need to get a copy of the HOA contracts and figure out who is legally responsible for the repairs to the terrace. Actually on consideration, I think that makes it a case of YTJ. You’re trying to insist that he pays without doing the legwork to determine if he is legally responsible or not.” adeon
13. AITJ For Keeping My Pen Name Secret From My Family?
“I (F32) wrote a book that ultimately got published, and is doing okay.
Nothing life-changing monetarily, I won’t be quitting my day job, but it’s something I’m proud of that I never thought I’d accomplish. I published the book under a pen name. My fiancé, his mom, and my best friend have all read the book with my permission, but no one else knows it’s my work.
My family (parents and older brother) know that I published a book, but I have not shared the title or my pen name with them. They’ve pushed for the information, but I told them I want to keep it a secret in case I want to write more books under that name.
I told them I want to be able to write without thinking “what will Mom think when she reads xyz?” They never truly accepted this, and it comes up at every family event.
Recently we were together for dinner, and the topic came up again.
I wasn’t in the best mood and we’d all had a couple of drinks, and my brother had been acting like a jerk because his wife wasn’t there to rein him in. I admitted that the real reason why I wouldn’t let them read my book was because, when I first tried keeping a diary when I was 6 or 7, my brother (then 9 or 10) would search my room for my diary, find it, and read it.
He would mock me for what I’d written. If his name was mentioned, he would get a black marker and scribble it out. When I went to my parents in tears, they told me it was my fault for writing about him, and he had a right to read it.
They did buy me one of those diaries with a lock for Christmas that year, but then he’d just pick the lock or I’d catch him prying the book open, and he’d never even get reprimanded. I was treated like a nuisance and a tattletale for bringing it to their attention because he was their precious firstborn prince.
He would be emboldened and would continue to torment me. I stopped keeping diaries because it wasn’t worth giving him ammunition.
They blew up when I revealed this and told me I was being a baby and needed to get over it, and it never even was a big deal. I told them that it basically gave me a complex where I’m overly protective of my writing, and I have a hard time sharing it because I feel like I’m going to be mocked and ridiculed for it.
They told me I was being so dramatic and that I always do this. AITJ for refusing to share my pen name with them?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Another author here who made the mistake of telling her family… I cannot write a book without thinking “what would so and so think?” I also have to deal with their comments about too much this or that whenever I publish as well (my mom tells me I use too many offensive words, which I actually use less offensive words for my genre than the market generally follows).
As a creative person, there is nothing worse than having to worry or tone down your project for someone else. It also builds resentment and I started to hate writing after a time. I had to take a break for a while.” itsbrittneydarling
Another User Comments:
“You are in your 30s, and even if you believe that you hide your writing because of all that, what will change now that you’ve aired your grievances? Nothing. That said, NTJ for keeping your pen name private. Perhaps no longer allow anyone to ask about it, etc. The more you refuse, the more they will ask and one day someone is going to go through your papers at your home to find the answer.
Just ignore all talk about your pen name for now on and enjoy being a published author.” hadMcDofordinner
Another User Comments:
“Hey, congrats on your first book! The first one is always the hardest, not to mention the most terrifying, but it’ll only get easier with practice – especially if you have a good developmental editor to help you find your voice.
Speaking as a fellow author, I’d say NTJ. I wish I’d kept certain members of my real-life circle on an information diet. The number of times I’ve had to explain the concept of “fiction” to grown adults is… astounding. NO, the main character is not based on me.
NO, that character isn’t based on you. NO, that character’s thoughts and feelings and beliefs do not in any way reflect my thoughts or feelings or beliefs. It’s FICTION. Gah!
Given the circumstances you described, I completely agree with your stance. You’re emotionally vulnerable after your first book.
Everyone is. Feedback hits harder while you’re still new and squishy and freshly post-partum. Eventually, you’ll grow a thick skin and learn to roll with the punches, but early on it can be extremely damaging. The last thing you need is someone barraging you with criticism while you’re still all soft-skinned and vulnerable.
These people have already shown that they can’t be trusted to respect your emotional needs, so they’ve lost their new release privileges. Maybe you’ll share it with them later, once you’re all armored up, and full of confidence from a few bazillion positive reviews. Maybe.
Or maybe not. Your book, your choice. They’re not entitled to your words unless they’re going to treat you with respect.” VLDreyer
12. AITJ For Wanting My Husband To Discuss Inviting Our Niece To Stay With Us For A Month?
“My (40F) husband (42M Jack) invited our niece (22F Holly), his sister’s daughter, to stay with us for a month. She was laid off and her mom was pressuring her to find work. He wanted to give her a space to “decompress and think about next steps.” I love Holly, she’s wonderful.
I’m happy to host her and am excited to see her. I took issue with Jack extending the invitation without looping me in first, he informed me after the fact.
Some background. I’ve been the primary caregiver for my parents & grandma since 10/2021. They are disabled and don’t drive or cook.
My mom has had a slew of medical issues with ~15 hospitalizations in the past 3 years plus ER visits I’ve lost count of. In two of her admissions, she was in ICU on a vent and almost died – it’s been stressful. I’m at the hospital daily when she’s there and am her advocate.
I’m her only child and all responsibility is on me; I’ve been severely burnt out for the past year juggling their needs and working a full-time job. Jack is aware of my burnout. We started IVF in January, which adds another layer of stress.
Jack works from home.
He’s required in the office 3 weeks a year for scheduled events. 1 of those weeks was Holly’s 1st week here, which meant me stepping up to do the majority of work as hostess, cooking, etc. on top of caregiving tasks and IVF appointments. Holly’s worth it.
But given the stress in our life right now, I wanted to opt-in by my own choice versus being voluntold by Jack.
When he told me she was coming I expressed only excitement. After her being here 2 weeks I spoke with him because he was checked out about her visit and not communicating.
For example, during her 1st week here he had to work late three nights due to events he knew in advance. I found out he wouldn’t be home until 10 pm when I texted him at 4 asking what time I should have dinner ready. The 2nd week he was supposed to work from home.
I found out at dinner on Sun. night (because I asked a question about planning not because he told me) that his schedule changed and he was driving into the office the entire week.
That night I expressed frustration at his lack of involvement in her stay.
In the middle of the argument, I said something like, “You invited her without giving me any say, the least you could do is communicate proactively or book some tickets for the things she wants to do. I’ve made all the plans, purchased all the tickets, and made all her meals.” He said, “You want me to ask permission for someone to come to my house?” I said it wasn’t about asking permission, it was about communicating with his wife.
He said, “We have a real problem if I have to ask you permission for someone to visit me in my house.” I repeated it wasn’t about permission, it was about treating his spouse as an equal and a partner. We’ve not yet resolved the conversation because we won’t argue in front of Holly (none of this is her fault and I don’t want her to think we are arguing because of her).”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You weren’t rude to him, you only said that you want to be involved in these decisions next time. And given how busy and stressful your lives are right now (caring for three older adults and planning for a baby all at once is a lot of work, I’m sure), that seems like a completely reasonable thing to ask.
Because it seems like you do the majority of that work, and you should be able to say, “No, I’m sorry, you know I love our niece, but I can’t host any more people right now.” Even if that’s not what you would have said, it sucks that he didn’t give you that option.
And the answer to his question is yes, I actually think you do have to ask permission from any other people you live with to have someone stay in your shared house for a month.” Lucy-star-cat
Another User Comments:
“My b***d boils at his response.
You have a major husband problem. I know that you really want a child since you are enduring the rigors of IVF, but I would seriously reconsider having a child with this man. He does not see you as an equal – not as a partner, not as a homeowner, not as a human.
You are the person who gets it all done so he doesn’t have to – to the point where he volunteers you to do it all for anyone. This is not okay. You deserve better. Holly may be a lovely girl, and I’m sure you do love her and enjoy her company.
But you had every right to be consulted and, even if you didn’t have the mountain of responsibilities on your plate that you do, to say no. He knowingly took that away from you. If it was accidental, he would have apologized, asked how he could help for the remainder of her visit, and thanked you for all you’ve done.
Instead, he insulted you repeatedly and denied you any respect as his wife. NTJ. If you’re not ready to reconsider the husband, seriously reconsider having a child with him. You will be a single mother in a marriage, and that is completely unfair to you.
I’m so sorry.” mimka79
Another User Comments:
“My dear, stop the IVF STAT! You are in no position to have a child with this man under these circumstances. He does not respect your status as his partner/equal in the relationship, and you have far too much on your plate to healthily incubate a baby.
It sounds like not only are you caring for your parents and grandma, but are you also doing the majority of the household tasks as well as working a full-time job? If so, NO. Just NO. How in dog’s name are you going to be able to care for a baby on top of all of this?
You MUST get these issues resolved. You’re looking very hard at having a mental and physical breakdown. Please start taking care of yourself.” CrazyOldBag
11. AITJ For Taking My 4-Year-Old Son Into The Girls' Changing Room After His Swim Lesson?
“My (f37) son does swimming lessons after school. He’s 4 and struggles to get dressed on his own after swimming.
The swimming pool is not set up for families. There’s a changing room with a girl’s side and a boy’s side attached to the pool. There is also a ‘family changing’ room that is not attached to the pool and would require you to walk through the school to get to it.
The ‘family changing’ room is also the adult’s toilet. So there’s not much space in there, and it’s not uncommon for it to be in use.
The first couple of weeks, I tried using the family changing room, and we ended up stuck waiting, then having to change in a recently used, not very clean toilet stall.
With tired kids, it was just a nightmare.
I’ve been sending both boys (6m and 4m) into the boys’ changing room to get their swim stuff on. The 4-year-old can (mostly) do that himself, but he’s just not quite there with getting dry and dressed on his own yet.
So, after swimming, I take him to the girls’ changing room so I can help him.
Usually, we end up being the last ones to go in, but today, the boys were hungry, and we went in pretty quickly. I was in a corner, getting my kid changed, when another mum started yelling at me.
She wanted me to be in the boys changing room with my son, as my son “was making her daughter uncomfortable.” We were doing a quick change, he wasn’t running around without clothes I was between him and the rest of the changing room. Her daughter was more uncomfortable with her mum yelling than my son’s existence (the 6-year-old girl asked her mum to stop several times).
I didn’t respond to her much because I’m not super confrontational. I just focused on getting him changed and letting him know he was okay.
She started yelling louder that “she didn’t consent for her daughter to see ‘that.'” I got annoyed at this point and said, “She doesn’t have to look.” I know this didn’t help, but I was getting frustrated. After that, I mostly didn’t engage as she kept berating me and my son.
I just got him dressed and out as quickly as possible.
I am now second-guessing myself. I don’t understand why it would be better for an adult to be in the ‘wrong gender’ changing room than a pre-pubescent kid. That’s what she wanted. If I had been a dad with a daughter, she would have been apoplectic.
If she had spoken to me calmly and politely, I would have engaged with her, but her reaction felt over the top, especially in front of the kids, so I didn’t try to reason with her.
During her yelling, she said that I should just go in the boys with my son like the nannies do, so maybe I am totally in the wrong here.
I never noticed that they do that, as I don’t pay much attention to what others are doing when I’m with my kids. My expectation is that until kids can be on their own/sort themselves they go with their adult.
So, AITJ, for having taken my son into the girl’s changing room?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I’ve been a swimmer all throughout my life and in change rooms in general you just don’t watch other people get changed. Moms bring their young children in all the time. Sounds like that other mom needs to teach her daughter to not look at other people when they are changing.
Also, you should talk with the people who run that pool and let them know there is a need for change stalls or better access to the family bathroom.” Prudent_Fold190
Another User Comments:
“Swim mom here, (daughter is now a lifeguard & instructor). At 4 years old, you are absolutely FINE.
It is more appropriate, IMO, for a grown woman to keep her young (barely out of toddler stage) son with her than to go into the men’s changerooms. Almost all city pools in our area have an age cutoff, and it is DEFINITELY older than 4, I think it’s closer to 8.” busyshrew
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There is no way she actually wanted what she claimed to want, which is you in the men’s room with your son, and dads with young daughters in there with her child. It would be great if a family changing space was a better option, but clearly, it isn’t in the case you’ve described. This doesn’t change my opinion at all, but I wonder, is it possible she thought your son was significantly older than he is?
I ask because I was always a tall kid, constantly having people expect more “mature” behavior when they thought I was much older than my actual age. My son will absolutely have the same issue likely through his whole childhood (he’s under a year currently but is 97th percentile in height and already looks significantly older than he is because of it).
People love to make assumptions.” MrsChocholate
10. AITJ For When My Neighbor's Dog Chased Me And Got Hit By A Car?
“This Sunday I was on a morning run, just finishing up back at my house when the dog from a neighbor’s house just up the road started chasing me through the middle of the road.
I live on a fairly busy street where the speed limit is 45mph. It might sound unsafe to run on this road especially given it doesn’t have a sidewalk and the shoulder is only about two feet wide but there’s a side street with sidewalks and a lower speed limit only about 800 feet down the road so I usually just stay vigilant to the road at the beginning and end of each run.
The dog’s owner’s house sat on this stretch of road.
Anyway, the dog chased me just about right up to my driveway where it got hit and run over by a van and ultimately killed. A series of unfortunate events only became worse for me when the dog’s owner and his three small children came out hysterical that they had obviously lost their pet.
Not to mention there were three MORE young children accompanying their parent in the van obviously distraught by what they’d just witnessed as well. The whole neighborhood came out to see what had happened where they come to find the dog’s owner cussing me out for causing this disaster to happen.
I tried to calmly state that I didn’t intend for the dog to chase me and that I’ve been running on this stretch of road each week but consoling the heartbroken family (and onlookers) was just about impossible at this point. After I realized there wasn’t really anything I could do to improve the situation I told the owner that I lived here and would be happy to do anything I could to help the situation.
I went home and after a few moments, the situation appeared to have ended.
In hindsight, it may not have been the best idea to tell them where I lived, but I didn’t think anything bad would come of me because of the situation. I was on the opposite side of the road (facing oncoming traffic) from the house and I maintained my rate of speed and direction as I went by.
I figure the dog should have been put on a leash if it had a history of sprinting off. As it turns out the owner of the dog is also the head of the Highway Department in my town and has a LOT of pull in the community.
He’s since gone on an angry tirade on the community social media page accusing me of causing the incident.
I still in no way think this is my fault but I have no idea how I’ll convince the town I’m not at fault in the situation given the neighbor’s influence in my small community.
Moving is not really an option at this point as I live in the same town my elderly parents are where I spend a few days each week taking care of them. I’m just worried about going to the store and ending up in a confrontation without people being able to hear my side through.
Please let me know if there was any way I could have handled this situation better.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ…You go on that community social media page and you reply, “I am so very sorry for what happened to your family pet. But I am not sure what I was supposed to do in this situation, where a strange dog, not on a leash, not in a fenced yard, was not under the control of its owner, started running/chasing after me, while I was on my daily run on the opposite side of the road?
Please explain to me how I caused this event and what you think I should have done?” This puts this tragedy back on him to explain himself, not only to you, but the others in the community.” Worth-Season3645
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The dog’s owner is wholly at fault for not keeping him safe.
I mean, unless you were actively baiting him with chicken and luring him into the street…which of course, you weren’t. Nope…still wouldn’t be at fault. People who have difficulty accepting the consequences of their actions (or, in the case, inactions) will often pin the blame on anyone else they can so they don’t have to make any changes to their own behavior or go through the discomfort of knowing they were wrong.” IamIrene
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First the owner is responsible for their dog. The dog being on the road chasing people is negligence. Not sure about the legal side. In my country, that’s a potential fine from the local authority and liability for any damage or issues caused by the dog.
Then we have the van. They were the ones actually hitting the dog. ”He’s since gone on an angry tirade on the community social media page accusing me of causing the incident. Depending on how he is doing it and what he is writing it might be a case for the police or a lawyer.
It’s defamation if he keeps writing you killed his dog or caused an incident and if he is trying to turn the community against you it’s harassment.” Eternal_Malkav
9. AITJ For Calling My Brother's Reproduction Choices Awful?
“My brother Teagan (29 M) has 4 kids (8,5,4,2) with his ex, Rachel (27F). My brother is in the military and was deceived by Rachel while he was deployed. She married this man Ronald (27M) last year. During the divorce, Teagan met Susanna (28F), she has 3 kids with her ex-husband, one with my brother, and is now expecting a second child.
If you have lost count, that would be 9 kids (with their baby on the way) in total between Teagan and Susanna.
Recently due to drama, I have gone no contact with Teagan after he announced his engagement to Susanna. (She has multiple monetary judgments against her, and lied about being married whilst seeing and having a baby with Teagan,)
Teagan has a contempt order out for back child support, makes minimum wage, has almost been evicted multiple times, and is in violation of his divorce decree because he can’t keep insurance on the 4 kids he has with Rachel… he has a long legal road ahead of him.
My mother Kristy came down to my home recently and over lunch shared that my brother was expecting again…I told her that I felt this was awful for him to have another kid. Purely because of the fact that he couldn’t afford to clothe, have insurance, or feed the ones he has.
My mom has told me multiple times that she has bought formula, milk, and groceries for him, and he has allowed the children to just eat ramen or has sent them to my mom’s house to procure food.
Needless to say, she got upset at me and now won’t talk to me, she has also told Teagan and he’s calling and leaving me angry voicemails.
I just thought I was stating my opinion, and I gave a lengthy reason as to why I felt that way, we grew up poor, and mom and dad were never present, and were both awful because they both had severe PTSD… I had to raise my brother.
Only recently have we gotten back to being able to talk and have a relationship.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Just for my own peace of mind, I’m going to double-check here. Your mother (who was awful to you and your brother) took something from a conversation the two of you had without your brother (who you are NC with) and went and told him about it, knowing that the two of you are NC?” notiddymothbirlfrend
Another User Comments:
“You used true terms in describing your brother’s negligence and lack of common sense accurately. He can’t afford the children he has, can’t sustain an honest relationship with a partner, isn’t able to support the number of children he already has, yet he continues to bring children into what’s going to become an absolute tragedy over time.
People like him and his woman don’t care to be told the truth. They expect the world to support their families and are often the ones who invoke the “families help each other” trope to get their needs met. My heart breaks for the children caught up in this cycle because it tends to repeat itself across generations.
I don’t blame you at all for speaking the truth but I want to caution you not to fall into the role of family savior. You’ve already done that once and it’s time for you to be strong and resist his demands on your time and money once he gets hit full force with the consequences of his own choices.
You matter and deserve to be happy. This isn’t your problem to solve. NTJ and good luck.” forgetregret1day
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And while this might upset people… I believe it’s awful to have kids when you can’t afford them. I understand some people would make great parents but finances get in the way, however, kids cost money.
They need to be provided with food, clothes, and shelter legally. Knowingly bringing more kids into the world that you cannot afford is cruel.” CrazyCranberry3333
8. AITJ For Telling My Kids "Mom Said No" Instead Of Just Saying No?
“I have two kids, who are 2 and 4 years old.
And one thing I try to reinforce with them is that if mom or dad says “no” if they go to the other parent, the answer they will get is no. Which means if they ask my wife, and she says no, regardless of how I feel on the matter, I’m going to back her up.
And I expect my wife to do the same.
Well, this morning we were getting ready to leave and 4 year old asked my wife if she could get out a game that always makes a mess. So my wife said no, immediately 4 turned to me and asked the same question.
So I said, “No, your mom told you no.” Which upset my wife, and I don’t quite understand why. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Whilst I understand what you are trying to do. You should be saying “The answer is no.” Not “Your mum said no.” The former shows a united front and shows that you are both on the same page.
The latter tells the kids their mum is the “bad guy” and it is ONLY her fault you said no. It’s about the way you are phrasing it to be her fault whether that is intentional or not.” lynfaix
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – the problem is not with what you are doing, but how you are phrasing it.
Your phrasing can be taken to mean “I might have said yes, but your mother said no” – thereby making her the bad guy. Your kids are too young to understand the kind of “united front” setup that you want to emphasize, therefore you need to stick just with something that is more like “No.” or “No, you were already told no.”” animaniactoo
Another User Comments:
“It’s soft YTJ. Execution versus intentions. Make sure as your kids develop, you and the wife agree about how you stay on the same page regarding issues. Kids are sneaky and you just taught your kids that if Mom says no, Dad will say the same thing.
Next time they are going to ask you first when they think mom is going to say no. Mom still is the bad guy and you think you haven’t undermined her, but you have. Instead, talk to her on why she is saying no, so you understand her rationale, thus being able to back her up regardless of who they go to first.” ChaoticCapricorn
7. AITJ For Not Wanting To Give My Brother 20% Of My Lottery Winnings?
“My dad and brother have been playing a weekly drawing at the VFW for several weeks.
The jackpots can be large until someone is called and then their number is pulled. My brother even goes early in the morning to buy his tickets.
I live out of town and can’t attend. So this week I asked them to put in $10 for me in the drawing, and coincidentally my bro owed me $10 for a sports bet I placed for him.
They sent me photos of my tickets, with my brother picking the number and my dad filling them out. Fast forward to the drawing: my ticket was pulled and my number (the one he chose) came up meaning I won $15,000 before taxes. I was ecstatic!
Afterward, my brother, who makes more than I do, seemed a little jealous and said out of fairness I should give him 20% for making it happen. That seems ridiculous to me and I hate being in this position. I told him no, I won’t cut him a check but I would pay for a trip for us to celebrate.
As a side note, my father peeled off $100 in beer funds for his trouble, which I am cool with. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“When winnings occur like this, it is traditional to tip those in the chain – $100 for your dad might be a little low, but the 20% your bro is asking for is way high.
I’d give them $500 or so each (could go lower if tax bite is higher than I expect) and call it a day with your $14000 grand (minus taxes). NTJ.” togocann49
Another User Comments:
“I’d say “Dad felt $100 was cool and fair. I’m giving you the same as what Dad took for himself.” It’s pretty hard for the brother to argue he should get more than Dad.
If you do decide to give more… you should make sure bro and Dad get the same amount.” JayReadsAndWrites
Another User Comments:
“The counter-question is: Would your brother pay you 20% with a losing ticket? Second counter question: If the prize fell on your brother’s ticket, would he pay you part of his winning?
IMO there is only one way this might be correct: the lottery tickets are paid by both and thus the earnings are shared by both.” Paulski25ish
6. AITJ For Startling My Mother-In-Law While She Was Removing Tags From My New Clothes?
“My husband (27M) and I (27F) are visiting his parents. We are staying in a spare bedroom with an en suite bathroom.
His mother (56F) and I usually get along great until something happened last night. We had just finished shopping for some new clothes.
I set them down on a table in our room that’s opposite to the door of our bathroom.
After I finished showering, I stepped outside and saw her handling our clothes with a pair of scissors. To be honest, I was pretty shocked by this.
I sort of went “Hey! What are you doing??” and she turned around and screamed. She started accusing me of threatening her life since something like this could have given her a heart attack.
As it turns out, she was removing the tags from our clothes for us.
I apologized for scaring her, but I don’t think I was wrong for being shocked. My husband understands her frustration but thinks she’s exaggerating. I’m aware of the possibility, but I don’t think there was any way I could have gotten her attention without her being startled by my presence.
Not to mention, the sound of the shower stopping and me opening the door. And while I appreciated the gesture, I also don’t think I was in the wrong for being taken aback by what I initially saw. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. While it may be in her house, while guests are occupying the spare room, she should not be in there invading their privacy and going through their items. Her reaction was over the top because she was caught doing something she wasn’t supposed to be doing.
If startling her gives her a heart attack, that’s not on you, that would be her own health. She’s deflecting because she knew she was wrong.” Public-Ad-9827
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She goes into your room uninvited. Doing something unnecessary…what if you might have decided to take something back?
She could have later offered scissors. She heard the shower, heard it turn off, and should presume the person in there would at some point open the door. She accused you of threatening her life? This from the person who sneaks into bedrooms with deadly weapons?
She was startled because she got caught invading your privacy and/or snooping. She’s turning it around on you to take the focus away from that fact.” dart1126
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: Let me introduce you to manipulative MIL vibes. She has them. Start establishing boundaries now (“I know it’s your house, but you startled ME by being in the room” and “While I apologize for the scare you got, imagine how scared I was seeing scissors near my new clothes!”).
Also she was absolutely trying to sus out what size you were/how much your stuff cost (to be a judgy woman) and maybe on the more innocent side where you bought it.” Roxeigh
5. AITJ For Letting My Guinea Pig Roam Free In My House Despite My Partner's Disapproval?
“I (28F) have had my guinea pig, Twix, for 3 years now. I live alone, and my partner of 6 months (29M) stays over at my house a lot.
Twix is “free-range.” Not completely, because that would be dangerous, but he’s able to move freely between a small screened-in porch area and a bedroom. I don’t have any other animals, but I don’t want to accidentally hurt him or let him hurt himself.
He has toys and water throughout the space, it’s totally his, and I love being able to provide him with more freedom than a traditional cage.
My partner has always found this gross but never made it a big deal. But it must have been boiling inside him, because when I was in the room playing with Twix the other day while my partner was over, he came into the room as well and stepped in some poop (which is bound to happen every once in a while with a free range guinea pig).
My partner WENT OFF about how gross it is and how having this space for Twix was inconsiderate to him and if I loved him I would put Twix in a regular size cage and repurpose the extra room in my house for his use/more space for us to be together.
My house is 2 bedrooms and like I said, I live alone, it’s not like my partner officially moved in. I love Twix and I don’t think it’s fair to let someone change the way I’ve always treated him. I feel like if Twix was a dog or cat it wouldn’t be a problem because that’s seen as more normal. My mother agrees I’m not being fair to my partner by “putting an animal above a person.”
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – if he had approached it like, “hey, it actually really bothers me and grosses me out that Twix is able to just poop wherever. Do you think we could make a little penned-in area, so she can still have lots of room, but is contained a bit more?” That would have been fine and appropriate and reasonable (because it is pretty gross).
But he went straight to you needing to prioritize him and “if you love me” about it, which is major freaking red flag manipulation. Ditch the partner, build a pen for Twix.” Living-Highlight7777
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Guinea pig poop is no big deal, their diet consists mainly of hay and vegetables.
Not smelly or squishy like dog or cat poop. If you don’t have one already, get a dust buster for easy poop cleaning. It is interesting to see how many people are keen to see you lock your pet up in a cage instead of allowing it to have a healthy space.” 1AggressiveSalmon
Another User Comments:
“Kinda YTJ. I get that you wanna give Twix more freedom. I have several hamsters as pets and I try to give them as much room to roam as I can. For mine though, it is only under strict supervision. Otherwise, they stay in their tanks and cages.
Because I don’t trust them not to get out or run the risk of someone stepping on one by mistake. Granted most of my pets are smaller than yours but it’s the same concern. Then there’s the feces and urine on the floor. Unless you have trained Twix to go in specific areas or in a litter box, that is going to cause major damage to the floor.
Plus it’s a health risk for other people. As they can get sick from that sort of stuff just being around. So you really need to reconsider this situation. Not just for your relationship but for how safe it really is for Twix and everyone else.” Old_Inevitable8553
4. AITJ For Not Immediately Going Home After My Father's Death?
“My father died 2 days ago, and I found out 2 days ago. He was sick for a very long time, and I, along with our immediate family, knew he was dying.
We all came to terms with it. I visited my father as much as I could (I live 7hrs away from my parents) about 2x a year, and saw his condition worsen. When he died, I was in shock and cried for a bit, but knew he wasn’t suffering anymore, so I was ok.
Same with my mother, she was with him when he died (because she was his caregiver), and when it happened my mother called me and gave me the news. She didn’t cry at all on the phone, she just told me how much she loved him and will miss him.
Now my partner met my mother twice, and my dad once. However, when he heard that he died, he had a very different reaction than the rest of my family. He had tears, he hugged me. It was as if he had known him for a long time.
It’s weird because for as long as I’ve been with him (4 years) I always complained about how controlling and insensitive my father was to me and my mother. I won’t get into too many details, but he most certainly is the reason for my anxiety now, along with my people-pleasing tendencies.
I loved my dad, but he was not great to be around sometimes. Anyway, the point here, is my partner had a reaction I would expect, but also not expect.
When my father passed, my mother said she was alright. Didn’t need help with cooking (because her neighbors, who are actual caterers, are making food for her and my brother is there), the house doesn’t need cleaning, and she has a huge support system (my brother, her mother, her best friends, her sisters, etc).
She did say that when it came time to sit down and do the actual paperwork she’ll need my help. Otherwise, she would rather me help her with invitations to the funeral and make a slideshow right now which I said I would definitely help.
Here is the issue, my partner is making me feel like I’m making excuses for not wanting to go home and see her. He says I need to be there for my mother physically right now and wants me to drop everything, all my scheduled work and doctor appointments to drive home.
There is literally nothing to do when I get home and the support I’m giving her now is sufficient according to my mom. Again, 2 days ago he passed. Yes I will go home and stay home on June 1st, and help out and attend the funeral two weeks after that, but I’m not leaving the day after hearing the news, the day before an important work event, to drive home and do nothing.
We can call like we’ve been doing and support each other. Now, my partner is making me feel like I’m a bad daughter. I need time to let my coworkers know I’ll be out of town.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Go read about Ring Theory for grief.
Basically, the closer a person is to the dead person, the more support you give. Listen to people closer than you and grieve to people further from the grief than you. That means you listen and support your mom, and your partner supports you and your choices the same way.
We all have lives and jobs with limited PTO. Your mom directly told you where and when she will need help. Do those things. Make it clear you are available to help further. And tell your partner to get on board or get off your back.
He’s not helping; he’s actively adding to your mental load. You neither need nor want his approval.” tealcandtrip
Another User Comments:
“This makes me so sad for you that in addition to your loss, your partner is adding to your pain instead of trying to help you.
No, you are NTJ. You need to grieve the way you need to grieve. My brother died and I had an out-of-body experience that I hardly even remember now. My point in saying that is there is NO rule book for grief. There is no “right way” to be, act, think, or do.
I am sending you so much love.” Hopeful-Material4123
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. “She did say that when it came time to sit down and do the actual paperwork she’ll need my help. Otherwise, she would rather me help her with invitations to the funeral and make a slideshow right now which I said I would definitely help.” Your mom’s told you what she needs & you’re being guided by her.
Grieving, reactions & surrounding processes are unique & individual. Your partner needs to understand this, be supportive & stop imposing his processes on you. Sorry for your loss.” Apart-Ad-6518
3. AITJ For Telling My Nephew Eating Veggies Will Make Him Buff?
“My brother told me that my nephew (11) is refusing to eat his broccoli and spinach. He said he could use my help.
I told my nephew that eating his veggies can improve his health but he still wasn’t very interested. Promising chocolate afterward didn’t help either.
I thought about it before showing him Physical: 100, a show you can find on Netflix, featuring physical contests between super buff-type people.
I told him if he eats the high-protein veggies he could look like those guys.
This worked and he started shoveling broccoli and spinach into his mouth. But my brother isn’t too pleased about it, saying I shouldn’t have lied to my nephew since a lot of those guys probably do steroids, and that my nephew would never get buff like them if he doesn’t go through painful workouts.
He said that lying to my nephew this way could give him trust issues in the future as well.”
Another User Comments:
“L**o NTJ. Trust issues when he can’t become a bodybuilder? Please show your brother this thread. Kids at this age dream of being all kinds of unattainable things and it doesn’t give them “trust issues” when you support that.
All you did was show him people who are in good shape at least in part because of diet and I know vegan bodybuilders so you could do a follow-up with other bodies shown on YouTube etc. Also, how is your brother preparing the vegetables?
A lot of people who hate veggies are eating them boiled to death or are the victims of terrible cook-parents.” blahblah130blah
Another User Comments:
“I wish I was actually surprised by the number of people who are saying NTJ but unfortunately I’m not surprised because it’s the typical sexist double standard.
I want you to replace the word nephew with niece and replace the word “super-buff-type” with “super model-type” and reevaluate how you would feel about this conversation happening in those circumstances. YTJ.” DanManKs
Another User Comments:
“Have you seen Popeye? Used to be a cartoon, I think there’s a film version now?
Apparently, the labeling on spinach said the iron content was 10x the actual value (misplaced decimal point) so people thought it made you strong. (This might be an urban myth, but it’s what I was told growing up!). So there was a generation of children who watched the Popeye cartoon & eagerly ate spinach because it would make them strong like Popeye.
So it’s a NTJ for me on the “lying” because it’s continuing a long custom of doing the same. But do be careful with using unrealistic body types as “goals” for children. Boys & men are much more likely to have eating disorders these days because they are now being shown many unrealistic images to aspire to, just like women have always had.
It’s a genuine & known problem – so yeah, kinda the jerk for that part. As a one-off, it’ll likely be fine, but maybe acknowledge to your brother you could have done better there & will be more aware going forward. Better to focus on “what your body can do” with kids & teens (and adults) rather than “What your body looks like”.
So being able to go out somewhere fun for the day & not get tired, or be strong or enjoy running, or whatever.” amberallday
2. AITJ For Leaving After My MIL Ignored My Parenting Rules?
“I 32F have a 7mo daughter with my husband 34M.
My country does ensure a long maternity leave for up to 2 years, however, I am self-employed and cannot afford to lose my clients so I try to work while my daughter is sleeping and during the weekends. Lately, she’s been teething so I’m operating on little to no sleep.
I have an issue with my MIL. She does what she wants despite people asking her not to and then says ‘oops’ or denies doing it. Things like that. It was annoying before the baby but after she was born it became insufferable. My husband talked to her and set boundaries, so she stopped doing that when my husband is present but she was still doing it when it’s only me in the room.
So we agreed she could not visit when my husband is not at home and my husband is not to leave me alone with her.
Because of these boundaries, we did not see them for 1.5 months. They live 2hr away and we did not find a mutually good time.
They finally came over last Sunday.
20min into the visit my FIL wants to see a lawnmower that has broken down so my husband goes into the backyard with him, leaving me, the baby, and MIL inside. She’s drinking coffee and eating cake. She sits next to my daughter on her playmat and tries to feed her some of her cake.
I immediately told her no, she can’t have that. MIL pretends not to hear me and proceeds putting her spoon to my daughter’s closed mouth. I repeat stop doing that, she can’t have cake yet and definitely not from your spoon. Still she pretends not to hear me.
I repeat it again, still nothing and now there’s cake on my baby’s face and she’s fussing. So I grab my daughter and go to my husband and FIL, subtly gesturing him to come back inside.
After about 5mins MIL decided to go outside too and was approaching me and the baby.
I gestured to my husband again and he made an annoyed face. I had no energy to deal with any of this so I stood up, went inside, grabbed the baby bag and car keys, and went to the car without saying a word. MIL asked me where I was going and I ignored her.
I drove to my sister’s, which is about a 15-minute drive. There were some missed calls from my husband so I texted him where we were and that we’ll be back in the evening. It was time for my daughter’s nap and she fell asleep breastfeeding so my sister told me to go sleep too.
After she woke up and had her milk my sister took her and told me to go back to sleep. I slept ~3 hours in total and my phone was on silent so my husband’s calls were ignored and apparently, his parents left disappointed and MIL cried.
My husband is furious I did this. We’re still fighting about it. He can’t believe I was so rude and took the baby away when his parents came to see her after such a long time. He’s angry I couldn’t have waited a few minutes so that he could finish talking about the lawnmower.
I told him I’m too exhausted to deal with this nonsense. He left me alone with MIL despite our agreement (be it only 10mins) so I left. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your MIL should respect your boundaries and especially when it’s about YOUR baby.
And your husband should have your back on that. I do understand that it must be uncomfortable and hurt him, seeing his mother cry and be upset, but then he should talk to her about it instead of making you the bad person. The only thing I think you did “wrong” was that you didn’t pick your daughter up after the first time you said it and MIL didn’t listen.
Maybe that would have made things go more smoothly, but then again it shouldn’t really be necessary. I do think that it is important that you stand up for your boundaries, and your husband should support you on that.” ano93g
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But you have a husband problem as much as a MIL problem. So MIL was ignoring your instructions about your child, so you went to your husband so he could deal with his mother. Except a lawnmower, which would still be there after the conversation with you finished, was more important than his agitated wife and child.
And instead of checking if you were ok, he had a go at you for making his mother cry. You need to have a serious talk with your husband about how much he is actually supporting you with your child and with his mother. When you have that conversation, do not let him distract you with “but they were upset”.
MIL behaved inappropriately, he ignored you, so you left. Their behavior created the issue, you let him know where you were and when you’d be back. Do not let him turn any of this back on to you. He and his mother have a lot to apologize for.” Pleasant-Koala147
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Why does he care more about your MIL’s feelings than yours? I’d show him this post so he can read the comments. The deal was that she’s only around the baby when he’s there. That’s a useless deal if he’s not physically there in the room.
The fact that she started with her nonsense immediately after he left shows she can control herself and does it on purpose. Your husband is blind and spineless.” Fantastic_Cow_6819
1. AITJ For Not Allowing Booze At My Wedding To Prevent Underage Drinking?
“I (28F) and my fiance Mike (28M), are having a destination wedding in another state. One of our mutual friends is the manager of a hotel and agreed that during the off-season when the hotel is slowest, we can have our wedding and several rooms at a great rate.
It’s a beautiful venue with a large hall, wonderful land, a pond, a pool and lots of activities. Mike and I both come from big families that do big weddings, we are expecting around 350 people to attend, possibly even more.
Mike and I are paying for most of the wedding ourselves with a bit of help from our parents only.
We have not asked for any monetary assistance nor are we asking for wedding gifts, if people would like to give us gifts or money that would be highly appreciated but strictly voluntarily. Another of our mutual friends runs a daycare center and she and her employees have offered to have a babysitting service for younger children so that we can have children at the wedding.
All the staff volunteered and we are paying for their rooms, food, and activities during the wedding period. For guests who are coming from far away and RSVP within good time, their rooms, activities, and babysitting service will be heavily subsidized.
Due to the large number of young children and teenagers who will be in attendance, we have informed our guests that there will be a very strict no booze policy for our guests on the premises.
If people wish to consume booze off the premises we won’t stop them but on the premises, there will be zero booze served to the guests until after the reception is done. Guests will check into the hotel as wedding guests and all will abide by this rule.
This is to avoid any form of underage drinking and any intoxicated shenanigans from adults. If people bring booze from outside they can have it, just no drinking during the ceremony or reception.
The babysitting service is for the younger children with light supervision for those below 18 and for those who pay for it.
This is the only thing besides people RSVP’ing in time that we have asked for. We have received a lot of pushback from guests, mostly family members, complaining about the no-booze rule. There are even some saying that since there’s a babysitting service then they (the babysitters) will ensure that no kids will drink and that booze should be allowed.
I and my fiance think it’s a fair thing to ask for given that we aren’t demanding money or gifts and have a babysitting service so there can be kids allowed but now we are having doubts about the booze and thinking that maybe we can make the wedding child free so that the adults can have booze like they want.
Am I the jerk for refusing to have booze at my wedding?”
Another User Comments:
“My European mind can’t just even begin to understand the concept of a dry wedding. A wedding is about celebrating a couple, with good food, great beverages and lots of partying.
If I were ever invited to a booze-free wedding I wouldn’t even consider attending, it just sounds ridiculous. Sure an open bar may be expensive and lead to intoxication. But not even wine or champagne to toast to the happy couple? Or beer? If children are attending it’s up to their parents (and bartenders of course) not to serve them, but the rest of the 300+ guests can surely have some.
So big YTJ from me.” jlnbtr
Another User Comments:
“You can do whatever you want at your wedding. But don’t be surprised if lots of people don’t come. Or if lots of people try to bring in their own booze. You think you are trying to limit drama and avoid any “awkward scenes”, but in reality, you are basically guaranteeing drama.
People are going to try to bring their own booze to the reception. Because it’s a wedding reception, and people drink at wedding receptions. Half the fun of a big reception is seeing people let loose a little. People dance more with booze, people interact more with booze, and people have more fun with booze.
I wouldn’t expect a very exciting reception. I have been to one booze-free reception and it was 150 people sitting at their tables, watching 5-10 people dance, and then everyone left an hour before it ended. So that is what you should expect.” Fun_Negotiation7663
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Any dry wedding is miserable and just shows the bride and groom don’t care about their guests having a good time. Very selfish. To have a destination wedding where people have to stay at the hotel, then not only don’t provide booze but “forbid” them from drinking their own, is like huge, mega-jerk territory.
Hopefully, nobody shows up. There need to be consequences when people act like this or they never change.” Zealousideal-End4173
