People Demand Justice For Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
16. AITJ For Not Wanting To Plan Our Wedding According To My Future In-Laws' Preferences?
“I (27 female) have been going out with my fiancé (28 male) for about 9 years now.
We got engaged 2 years ago & were set on getting married in 2020 but decided to postpone it. We have now recently decided to pick up on the wedding planning. We weren’t sure of the dates which would be a) in September of this year 2022 OR b) sometime next year 2023. At the beginning of the week, we were over at my in-laws’ house talking about it & no one was opposed to it.
Fast forward days later we brought it back up that we were leaning toward the wedding to be in 2023 & my MIL said that we couldn’t because my SIL had already said she wanted to get married the year after she graduated from college BUT mind you she isn’t even engaged yet to her partner.
I know if it was the other way around my SIL wouldn’t care & go on with her plans. My MIL always takes up for them & puts her son (my fiancé), me & my kids on the back burner just to give her daughter her way. We are always planning things around their timing such as family vacations etc. So AITJ for wanting to be selfish?
Edit: neither of us wants our wedding to be the same year due to us wanting each other in the bridal party & helping each other financially on the weddings. My little sister will be 15 in April of 2023 & since my mom is a single mom we said we’d help her. So that doesn’t give us a lot of time to choose throughout the year.
Also, it is almost 100% they will get engaged soon.”
Another User Comments:
“This is one of those YTJ to yourself situations.
You’ve been putting this wedding off for two years now and are being told to put it off another two years for someone who isn’t even engaged. This is nonsense.
The whole ‘money doesn’t work twice in one year’ argument is just asinine.
You have a year and a half to save starting now, and you’ve had the past two years. How will more funds magically appear when it hasn’t yet? And do you honestly think that after SIL went through an expensive wedding herself, she’d really throw funds at yours the following year?
I don’t trust this situation at all and I’m personally offended for you that you will have a five-year engagement if you keep listening to these people.” the_orig_princess
Another User Comments:
“Not for nothing, but some wedding things take quite some time to arrange… venues get booked up very quickly (especially since everyone is also trying to have the wedding they were planning in 2020), and depending on what kind of wedding either you or SIL are planning, I would not be at all surprised if everything is already booked (yes, more than a year ahead).
If you have to order a gown and aren’t buying off the rack, those too can take in the neighborhood of 6-9 months to come in. Now you may not care about the clothes part, but I would strongly suggest that you start checking out availability for locations, venues, hotels (if they would be needed), and churches.
As far as your question goes, pick a date that is meaningful to you (or simply available), lock it down, and everyone else will have to deal with it. You’ve been together longer.. why are you coming in second place?
By the way, prediction: You’ll take my advice, you’ll find the perfect place and put down your deposits, SIL will finally get engaged, discover that nothing is available for the reasons stated above, and MIL will demand your date and venue.
I get the feeling that SIL is the golden child and the rest of you are sloppy seconds.
NTJ.” NHFNCFRE
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I can count on one hand the number of weddings I’ve been to/been a part of, in my entire life, so there may be some kind of wedding etiquette that I’m missing here, and I’d welcome OP or anyone else to correct me if needed.
That said, your SIL is not even engaged yet, whereas you and your fiancé have already postponed your wedding once, so it seems unfair for your fiancé’s family to ask you to plan around a completely hypothetical situation, at this point when you’ve already postponed and been waiting to reschedule.” SayItAintSo9655
15. AITJ For Not Going To Bed While My Cat Is Missing?
“I have anxiety and one of the things that can trigger it is my cats.
Especially when they aren’t safe in the house at night. My husband knows this as he has held me when I’ve had complete breakdowns when one of the cats hasn’t come home.
Last night one of our cats was being noisy. Instead of just waiting for him to settle down, my husband tossed him outside at 10:30 pm because ‘he was tired and had to sleep’ (he didn’t have to work today but I did).
Hearing this sent me into a panic and I got out of bed to start trying to find the cat and I was having an anxiety attack during this. My husband gets out of bed and becomes angry with me and telling me to just go back to bed because I needed to sleep. I refused to do so until my cat came home.
So now my husband is mad at me and isn’t really talking to me and I’m mad at him because I feel betrayed but I need to know AITJ for panicking so much and refusing to go back to bed when I needed sleep for work?
Edit to add: cat came home after about an hour and is fine.
Edit to answer questions. I’m getting a lot of the same questions so I’ll answer them here:
Yes, my cats are indoor/outdoor, and yes I know that isn’t ideal. They were indoors when I moved in with my husband. He promised to build a catio for them and never did and he’s the one that let them outside, insisting we needed them for rodent control.
My rules are they can only go out during the day and only when we’re home.
Yes, I have medication for my anxiety and I am in therapy. I have PTSD and my cats are what I have become hyper-focused on. I am getting help. No, having the cats doesn’t make it worse, it actually helps me a lot having them in my life.
One of the cats peed in my husband’s office chair and he sat in it, so sounds like they got revenge. LOL.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and you should leave your husband. I could be way off but I’ve suffered from anxiety in the past (though have a good-ish handle on it now), and I wouldn’t be surprised if part of the cat anxiety is a result of bigger anxiety caused by your husband – because it sounds like you can’t trust him to make you feel secure in your own home.
(I.E. he could throw the cat outside any minute, so you could be nervous every minute he’s home, not secure knowing he wouldn’t do that – that would cause me HUGE anxiety if I couldn’t be sure of my partner’s good intentions).
My fiance hates my cat. My cat is a pain in the butt and scratched my fiance’s furniture, vomits everywhere, is generally a territorial entitled jerk, and my fiance hates him and makes no secret of it.
But I have never been worried or even thought it possible for him to hurt the cat or do something that could negatively affect the cat – mostly because he loves ME and I love the cat. Thus, by default, the cat’s safety is important to him.
In fact, one day he left the front door open a crack by accident for a few minutes only and realized he couldn’t see the cat anywhere, so he became paranoid that the cat escaped. So he went to great lengths to find him, searched everywhere, and finally got him to come out by offering him deli turkey slices.
I was touched by this, knowing how he feels about the cat. But it’s what a normal person would do for their partner.” Inevitable-Stress550
Another User Comments:
“Soft ‘everyone sucks here’ – your husband is definitely the jerk, but you need to be a better advocate for your cats, especially if their absence triggers your anxiety.
Your husband said he’d build a catio and didn’t. Okay, but that is no reason to let them outside. I’m a veterinarian and tell every client who gets a kitten that the most important thing is to keep it inside. Aside from cars/wildlife/disease and more, people are a huge danger. Rat poison? Tastes great and kills cats quickly.
Some people actively seek out hunting ferals, and it’s impossible to distinguish a pet cat from a feral cat from 50 feet away. I had a cat in my care for weeks after someone let their very large dog off-leash to intentionally attack her.
Also, when I see things like this:
‘One of the cats peed in my husband’s office chair and he sat in it, so sounds like they got revenge.
LOL.’
I have to point out that this is really not funny. Cats and dogs are not spiteful, do not hold grudges, and do not seek revenge. Peeing outside of the litter box means there is a problem, often stress. When cats get stressed one of the first things that happen (for reasons yet unknown) is inflammation of their bladder and urethra.
Your husband clearly does not like these cats and probably forced this poor cat outside, even if he did not want to go, which is why he urinated on the chair the next day. Your cat is anxious on account of your husband’s actions. Put your foot down for the sake of these sweet babies.” bxnutmeg
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Whatever his intentions were inside of this, cuz none of them can be good given that he knows you get anxious when something bad is happening to your cats, the behavior of this isn’t good.
Your spouse making unilateral decisions and endangering one of your pets rather than finding another solution is a problem that needs to get handled, and the problem doesn’t come from you being informed that he did something bad and you getting upset about it.” JCBashBash
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I understand your husband was supposed to build a catio and didn’t. If your anxiety is this bad, which I understand when it comes to cats, then the CATS DONT GO OUTSIDE. PERIOD. THE END. If your husband is KNOWINGLY letting these cats out and you haven’t tossed his butt out yet then you’re being terrible to yourself and your cats.
Being mad at your husband clearly does nothing. You having panic attacks clearly only annoys him. WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH HIM?! This is a genuine question! He doesn’t respect you or your boundaries and you just keep letting him walk all over you and continue to ACTIVELY harm you. You and your cats deserve better than this.” darquesse69
14. AITJ For Not Sharing My Inheritance With My Sister?
“My (21m) father (55) recently passed away from sickness. Before his passing, though he earned a LOT through crypto and stuff. He got in really early and amassed a large net worth. We grew up poor until I was about 10 before he started earning a lot.
Before he passed away, he changed his will and left 20% to my mother and 80% to me.
He left my sister (24f) nothing. He had originally intended to leave her 40%, me 40%, and my mom 20%. But he cut my sister out as over the years she has been conned out of funds by multiple different men in her life.
When my sister and I turned 21, my father gave us $1m for our 21st birthday.
My sister got scammed out of roughly $600k of this from 3 different guys in the 3 years since.
Because of this, my father said she wasn’t getting anything, and we all said fair enough. But we didn’t think he’d leave her literally nothing. My sister still has over $150k from her birthday though.
My father told me before he passed away to get my sister anything she wants, but don’t give her a dollar. That’s what I intend to do. My mother also agreed to this. My aunts and grandmom think we should give her something though.
My sister and I were really close and recently she asked me for some funds.
I told her that anything she needs I’ll buy her but I’m not giving her any funds at all. She’s furious at me and says I’m her little brother, not her dad and that I’m being selfish. She hasn’t spoken to me since.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I know it must feel like you are.
Respect your father’s wishes as best as you can. It’s an absolutely horrible situation you have been put in. You are incredibly brave to have to deal with this poisoned chalice.
Is there any way you can make some sort of legal arrangement via some sort of solicitor? Maybe set aside an amount for your sister, and leave the admin side of it to a neutral party?
That way you can try and explain to your sister it is out of your hands, and the solicitor or whoever is in charge of money for her, will grant her as and when, while still complying with your father’s wishes. You won’t be directly responsible, and hopefully not blamed by your family.
Yes, it will cost more but for your own peace of mind, and relationship with your family, it could be considered. It may be worth the extra cost to take the burden off your shoulders, and you still will have protected your vulnerable sister. Good luck – this is such a nasty situation to have to try and resolve.” Moiraine_D_Sedai
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Okay, Lots to unpack.
Firstly, your Dad was a jerk to put you in this position. Not only does your sister now have unresolvable issues with her deceased Dad – the anger she has at being excluded from the will now transfers to you and your future children. That sucks.
It sucks a lot. And that’s before we get your Mom involved in this – and that will happen soon enough.
As for ‘it’s your Dad’s money’ and ‘honor his wishes’ – yeah that’s just nonsense from people who don’t know any better. It’s your money now and the only wishes that matter here is yours; nobody else’s.
That’s how this works bud. You don’t get to dodge this guilt because you find it convenient to do so.
If you tell yourself that you are trying to ‘honor Dad’s wishes’? Dude you are just telling yourself that to justify what you want to do – and which happens to be plainly in your financial interest. It’s a lie and at some point in your future, you are going to realize it.
You aren’t going to like it – or yourself – when you do.
Or maybe you become the sort of person that cannot face that truth because you can’t handle the guilt. And your deceased Dad screws you over from beyond the grave with a testamentary gift that was too heavy for any sibling to bear.
I have no idea how much your father left you, but if Dad was giving $1m away on a 21st birthday, it sounds like it was a lot. I have no idea how much your sister matters to you. Maybe you love money more than you love her. I hope not.
Here is what I would do to escape the cancer that your father so thoughtlessly left to grow within the family he left behind:
Go see a lawyer and get that lawyer’s help to settle a trust of your sister’s 40% in her favor. A trust she cannot get at the capital of for a VERY long time and the income for which you and two other trustees can give to her for her needs. And after you have done it, tell your Mom and sister what you did.
Show them both the Trust indenture. This will save your relationship with your sister – and maybe your Mom, too.
At some point, she will likely grow up and grow out of this problem. Or maybe not? You, as the settlor of that trust, will be in the position to set the rules up that the Trustees who manage that fund will make with your own judgment – and the advice of two other professional trustees.
That’s key because those two other pros can be in a position to outvote you. That’s a Good Thing, not a Bad Thing. A feature, not a bug. That is because THAT MEANS it won’t be your fault. It will NEVER be your fault. You won’t completely lose power here, but you CAN be outvoted and that’s why your sister and the rest of your family will ease up on you and see you as a Wise man, not a spoiled rich kid who is using money as power, or who has been corrupted by it.
That’s the release valve from resentment your sister will have about all of this in the future. That’s why it is key. It buys you peace for the whole family, while still addressing your sister’s financial irresponsibility.
This would go a good way towards doing what your Dad should have done before he died. He was a jerk about this.
HE really really was. People who come into their wealth later in life (and without the really hard work, frankly, necessary to amass it) — can not see what a problem it can be.
But FAR worse than that – now he made his problem your problem and used his crypto funds to do the worst thing he possibly could have — to drive a wedge between you and your sister for all time.
Don’t let your deceased Dad do it. Be a better man than he was.
Fix it. Above is how you should do it.” fatigues_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and a good brother!
It’s awesome that you will get her things if she needs them, and of course, she does still have more cash than most people her age.
Given her history with relationships and money, maybe talk to her about working on that? Offer to pay for therapy and financial management? Help her get to a place where she isn’t falling prey to predatory men trying to rip her – and by extension, your family – off.
Then someday she may be responsible enough to be gifted or inherit some of your mother’s inheritance.
Therapy could help too with any resentment she may still have for being ‘left out.'” Feral_Wanderer
I agree with setting up a trust fund that has strict rules and doesn't allow her access to the capital amount. That way you're taking care of your sister like your dad wanted, but you're also taking yourself out the financial equation. It also means she blow through the money or be scammed out if it because it's tightly controlled.
Money tears families apart, and this is a reasonable compromise.
13. AITJ For Not Wanting To Relocate My Cat?
“I (27f) and my partner (30m) are moving in together next month. We’ve been together for 5 years.
Last summer I rescued a cat. We found him outside his parents’ house but since they couldn’t keep him I took him a month later (before that I only saw the cat on the weekends).
They tried to find someone who would adopt him but I literally cried when I thought someone would take him away. I have never owned a cat before but now I love him so much and I have spent money and time, learning everything I needed to know about cats.
My partner has a distant relationship with animals in general. He likes them but he believes they should be trained, and sleep in their own beds instead of people’s beds or couches.
The same goes for the cat. He likes the cat, when he’s at my house he asks to see the cat so he can pet him, give him food and ask him if he remembers him lol. He’s not like me who’s always kissing the cat’s head and treating him like my baby. But we already established that in our shared place the cat will not be allowed in our bedroom, and he has to be taught not to jump up the kitchen area and dinner table (at my place he’s also not allowed to do that but he does sleep in my bed when he wants to.)
Lately, he’s been making comments about how he never planned on living with a cat. That it was unexpected and to look for someone who could take him if it comes to that. I refused completely. He told me I should at least be open to the idea because maybe things don’t work out with us living with a cat.
That it’s not like I had the cat before we started seeing each other. That I adopted the cat while being in a relationship with him and that altered our future plans (at that time we didn’t have plans to live together in the near future but I’ll be honest, I didn’t think about him since I was living on my own).
To me it was a whole ‘no’ to give the cat away, it seems one of those situations of ‘either you want to live like this or you don’t’. I’m not saying I’m gonna let the cat do as he pleases without taking my partner into consideration. I am willing to compromise on whatever it takes.
Except give my cat away (or some form of mistreatment like making him live in a cat crate or something).
I used to feel good about that decision but now I don’t know if I’m a jerk because he said I’m basically implying I would rather break up than look for a good home for the cat ‘IF’ it comes to that.
I know I will resent him if I lose my cat. But I don’t wanna make my partner feel I don’t care about him. He just says it’s unfair for me not to be open to the idea.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Odds are that cat will show you more respect and love throughout its life than your current partner ever will.
Your partner is trying to convince you to give the cat up yourself, but it’s pretty clear that if you don’t do it, he will put his foot down and force the issue. On the other hand, after moving in together your cat may mysteriously disappear, or you may come home to a story of ‘I had the door open for groceries and it just sprinted out!’
In my experience mistreated cats are overwhelmingly the victims of resentful male household members – a kick at the disobedient cat who cannot be trained to obey the way a dog can, a careless stumble – your cat isn’t safe with any man who shows this level of reluctance to live with it.” SoloSable
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Things change. He knew you were adopting the cat. He should have spoken up then. Now the cat is part of your family, and he can either accept that or he can get lost. As you said, there were no plans for the two of you to move in together when you adopted the cat, but if he had it in his head that he might want to move in with you — that this relationship could go that far — maybe he should have spoken up at the time.
Think of it this way: If he didn’t want children and you were to express your desire to have children, he’d need to tell you — then and there — his position. If you don’t agree with him, then you two aren’t compatible. Pets are no different. Someone who is pet-free and wishes to always be pet-free needs to disclose that information, especially when it’s obvious that their partner does not wish to be pet-free.
It sounds like you want pets, and it sounds like he knew this before you’d even gotten one. He had his opportunity to speak up, but he remained silent. That’s on him. You’re NTJ.
‘To me, it was a whole ‘no’ to give the cat away, it seems one of those situations of ‘either you want to live like this or you don’t.”
Bingo! It sounds like you’ve made your decision, and there is nothing wrong with the decision you’ve made. Now he has the decision to make: end the relationship or do what millions of people do every day and live with a cat in the house. He doesn’t hate the cat. He just wants some rules.
I think you two can work this out but, if not…
It’s better to know this now than later.” dmetzcher
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner’s preferences about ‘no cats in bed or on food prep/serving surfaces if we live together’ are reasonable, and since it’s your cat, even a ‘the catbox is YOUR job if we live together’ stance would be reasonable.
But saying you should consider rehoming your pet IF you move in together is not. You have a cat. You got a cat when there was no indication that your relationship might ever move to the cohabitation phase. You and your cat are now a package deal. If living with a cat is a dealbreaker for him, then OK, you both stay in your homes, maybe you keep being together, maybe you don’t.
He doesn’t get to dictate the future of your other relationships, be it with your pets, your family, or your friends. That’s a huge arrogant overstep on his part.” User
12. WIBTJ If I Don't Give My Mom 10k To Save Her Other Home?
“My mother has had a 2nd house that she rents out.
During 2020 she did not pay the mortgage for this other house but still collected rent. I don’t know where the funds went or anything. She claims she used it to help us during the first global crisis thing.
She got a notice in the mail back in December saying she owed them 10 thousand dollars or the house would be taken.
She apparently thought that she could be fine with a modification. She’s now claiming that she was denied and either has to pay or lose that property in the next few weeks. I was told to talk to her outside and away from my stepfather. Asked me if I could give her the 10k.
Saying basically ‘we can’t get the house back if we lose it, but you can always work to get the money back’… mind you, it took about 3 of my 4 years working to even make 10k. I’ve saved 20k to move and have already signed a lease to do so. It’s weird that the closer I get to moving that all these little things keep popping up where she’s trying to ask for funds.
Or find a reason to make me stay. It sounds like she’s basically expecting me to give up half of my savings to help her keep that place. My mother has had a tendency to be vindictive in some ways and petty and I have a feeling that if she loses this house she will make my life miserable until I move at the end of next month.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Mom needs to either lose the home, or she needs to sign a loan agreement with you. A 3rd option is she puts you as co-owner.
Only go the last route if there is a plan in writing of how you recoup more than your initial investment and any additional mortgage or HELOC (Home Equity Line Of Credit) requires both your signatures notarized.
Regardless, 10k is too much to just give away when it’s not her primary residence and she’ll be homeless without you stepping in. She didn’t get in this situation by being responsible, so your help needs some sort of guarantee of at least partial repayment.” mongomad22
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, this is a really weird situation and it’s bizarre she tried to get you to agree in secret and can’t keep her story consistent.
I’d bet those funds are somewhere else, and she’s just using you as a financial asset since she flushed it into a black hole. Do not give her anything, obviously, because you’ll never see a cent and it’s likely it’ll go the same way as the mortgage.
When you give her your answer make sure there are witnesses there (at the very least your step-dad).
Make sure all of your banking info is stored away (especially if you get mail from the bank to her house), pins are changed if she knew them, passwords are changed if she knew them at any time, etc. before you tell her. It sounds like she might go nuclear, and you should protect yourself just in case.” iolight
Another User Comments:
“‘she will make my life miserable until I move at the end of next month.’
You are probably right. However, if you give her the funds for the sake of fewer than two months’ peace you will be stuck with her longer.
If she is the vindictive type, slowly take all of the possessions you value out of the house to a friend’s.
My lovely grandmother met my father at the door and handed him a suitcase of cut-up clothes and destroyed yearbooks/certificates when he left home to move into the house he had just bought with my mother.
You can buy some time/peace by asking her to show you where the money went and the bank documents stating that she will lose the house; that you need to see those and also you need a couple of weeks to think about it i.e. both redirecting it back on her and making her think she’s getting her way.
I realize this is probably very hard but, if you can, and she pushes you too far tell her that you will stop talking to her after you move if she keeps pressuring you.
And change the date you are moving out if you can by bringing it forward a week or two (even if you have to crash somewhere else for a couple of weeks) and don’t tell her.
NTJ, OP and good luck.” 8kijcj
11. AITJ For Holding My Son Back From Chasing His Dreams?
“My sister Maria (21) graduated college last year. Maria lives in Los Angeles, working as a promoter and an intern in marking. I had bad luck, including getting pregnant when I was 16. I’m now 31. I have repeatedly asked my parents to have Maria tone down her social media as she constantly posts, ‘I went to a beach today’ ‘I’m at a mansion on the hill’ and ‘Look at my office view today.’ My parents talked to her, but Maria isn’t listening or caring.
She says it’s her job to show she can handle social media.
On new year’s eve, she and her friends made a TikTok of uptown funk, and my oldest boy saw it. Maria is giving him stupid ideas about school and just cutting people off that you don’t like.
My parents stopped giving funds to Maria when she moved to Los Angeles because it’s not a city we all approve of.
My son messaged Maria and said he wanted to be a music producer, and Maria recommended Full Sail University. Frankly, it seems shady. I told my mom to ask Maria to stop texting my son. Maria turned around and blocked everyone on social media.
My son is already told he’s going to college at Full Sail and wants to go into music.
Maria is to blame for this follow-your-dreams stupidity, and she’s going to have my son straddled with more student loan debt than most houses cost in our area. I told my son he was not going and took his phone away and banned him from TikTok. My husband said I’m projecting my issue onto him and my sister, and he will make that choice soon.
I texted Maria, but I’m not sure if she will recognize the number or block me. Maria needs to keep her California Dream nonsense to herself because it’s hurting my family and mama bear ain’t happy.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – why would you assume a college is a scam? That’s just bizarre.
Your son was inspired and wants to follow his dreams into a life that he’ll actually love and you think that’s ridiculous? Shame on you. It’s not like your sister gave him his dreams – those are his own, and he has every right to pursue his own desires. Surely if he cuts you out of his life you’ll blame your sister too.
You are the problem, OP.
If you want him to do well in life, then support him instead of weighing him down! Encourage him to do well in school so that he has the grades to fall back on if he ends up changing his mind and wanting to go into something else. Encourage him to maybe get a part-time job so he can save up some extra funds so that his dream might be just a tiny bit more achievable.
ENCOURAGE him to explore music more to make sure it’s what he wants instead of telling him that he can’t have it!! Even if it doesn’t work out, it’s his choice what he does with his life and if he wants to chase his dreams and try them out, let him!
Again, you are the problem OP. Not your sister, not your son.” Splattered_Ink18
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your only argument against your son’s aspirations seems to be ‘I don’t approve because of reasons, and my reasons are that I don’t approve’. The same seems to be true of your resentment for your younger sister.
And frankly, your desire to control her, and force her not to publicly share her career successes and happiness only reflect poorly on you.
You are allowed to want different things for him, to be clear. But that only makes sense if you have clear, substantive reasons for rejecting her life. Does she not earn enough to pay her bills?
Is she in debt? Lonely? Struggling? Those would be good reasons to suggest to your son that he try a different direction in life. But if she is happy, establishing herself well, and doing okay, then your only argument is, ‘I don’t like her life because I don’t like it,’ and you’re just trying to punish your son out of bitterness, which isn’t good for either of you.
And then YTJ.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You’re a sad excuse of a parent and just overall horrid. You were a teen mother YOU decided to continue with the pregnancy. Your CHILD did not ask to be born. YOU decided that. You decided to keep and raise him, you had options you did not take.
Maria is living her own life and just because you don’t agree does NOT give you the right to act immature and rude.
Your SON you know the kid you gave BIRTH to can leave at 18. And I hope he does. I hope he applies to Full Sail University and gets in and I hope he moves out and never comes back.
I’m sure his Aunt Maria will be standing by to ensure he has a safe healthy place to live and to explore his own life. Because clearly living with you will get him nowhere. Not unless he follows what you demand he does. Which I hope he doesn’t. Audio engineering is a big field and he can find plenty of jobs with it, and start his own business if he wanted to.
Music production is an extremely large field as well and can open a lot of doors. And who says he will stay in that field? He can go to any field or major if he wants! And if he doesn’t know what student loans are then that is YOUR fault for not teaching your son about finances and college.
YOU are setting him up to fail. Not his aunt, not your parents. YOU. Stop letting your jealousy fuel your hate and grow up. Be a parent to your son, and once he’s 18 you can’t do anything to stop him from leaving. You don’t have a choice in where he applies to college either. There are scholarships and grants and yes loans.
He can take them all and run for it. I truly hope he does. Because you are a terrible parent for talking trash about your own son instead of being a support.
You need parenting classes and therapy to work through your own trauma and stuff. And stop projecting it onto your son and onto Maria.
She didn’t make the choices you did. Own up to your choices and be a better parent. Before your kid hits 18 goes no contact and runs for California and you hear nothing from him. Because that’s the future you’re looking at. No son in your life because you chased him away.” Alyssa_Hargreaves
10. AITJ For Buying My Friend's Childhood Home Then Knocking It Down?
“My wife (36F) and I (37M) have been looking to build a new house for our family, and have been having problems finding a lot in the area that we want to live in, that’s priced well and checks all of our boxes.
Our realtor contacted us the other day and told us that he found a huge corner lot in a neighborhood for a fantastic price and that it’d go fast. Had him text me the address and my heart sank. It was the house my best friend grew up in.
My wife convinced me to go look at the lot to see what the condition of the lot/house was (based on the price, it was priced for a knockdown), and the house was in pretty bad shape.
It’s been a little over 20 years since he and his parents/family moved out, and it looks like whoever bought the house really didn’t take care of it. Seeing the poor condition of the house, and my wife pointing out that we can build a tree fort in the same tree for our kids that we played in, and the area for his mom’s garden was still there, we put in an offer, and it was accepted.
I called my friend and told him we’d put an offer in, and he was ecstatic, thinking we intended on fixing it up. When I told him we were planning on knocking it down, he went through the roof and hung up on me after screaming at me for a few minutes. He called his parents, who are still good friends with my parents, and I got a ‘What were you thinking’ call from mine.
Not necessarily calling me a jerk, but more along the lines of ‘Did you really think this was going to go over well?’
I know that there are a lot of memories there and that it was probably a major shock, but the house was really run down, and likely in bad enough shape to where someone who flips houses would have a hard time turning a profit, so it was likely going to be knocked down by whoever bought it anyways.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
This would upset me too. I’m not gonna lie. I still tear up when I drive by the first house we lived in when I was a kid because there are so many good memories tied to that house.
But I think if you make a little effort, you can salvage things.
Do a cost analysis showing that the house is in such bad shape that it’s not doable to fix it up and that tearing it down and starting over is the only financially feasible thing to do. That way, if they are being irrational, you can make the point that whoever bought it was always going to tear it down and that you aren’t being a jerk by doing so.
Offer to allow them time in the house to reminisce. Offer to throw a party in the house where all your friends and family could leave messages on the wall, take pictures, and then let them take whatever mementos they might want. (Doors, windows, built-in cabinetry, pieces of the floor, stones from a fireplace, etc etc.)
Try to find a local artist or painter to come by and do a canvas painting or drawing of the house and the trees and the lot itself. When you do the going away-demolition party, present his parents with the painting.
Maybe see if there is any way you could recreate a specific part of the house.
Like maybe reuse the front door somewhere. Or if there is one cool window, find a place to use that in the new house. If not, no big deal. But maybe there is something you could incorporate from the old house into the new one.
I feel like if the friendship is important to you and your family, doing something like this would be greatly appreciated and it would go a long way to let them know you care.” The__Riker__Maneuver
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Neither of you is a jerk for your responses here, it’s just a really difficult, unfortunate situation.
You aren’t a jerk for knocking the house down. You owned it and it was within your rights to do whatever you wanted with it, and you needed a house for your family.
You aren’t knocking it down to be cruel or mean-spirited, you’re doing it because it’s the best and most sensible course of action in order to create a home for your own family. If you could have done otherwise and preserved the original home without it costing a fortune to renovate or rebuild, it sounds like you probably would have, but that wasn’t realistic.
You’re not a jerk for doing what you have to, and at least you will be creating happy new memories in the place where you and your friend grew up.
Your friend isn’t a jerk for being heartbroken, though. He has cherished memories tied to his childhood home and seeing it gone, and particularly knowing that it has to happen at the hand of someone who shared many of those memories, has to hurt.
That doesn’t make him in any way a jerk. He’s allowed to wish things could have been different.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
I can understand the emotions and memories your best friend has tied into this house, so to receive a call like that can be quite shocking, and while hopefully he’ll cool down after a while, I can completely understand his initial reaction.
That said, you are absolutely not the jerk in this situation either. You didn’t cause the house to fall into disrepair, the prior owners did, and there’s only so much you can do if the house is in as bad of shape as you claim.
Perhaps wait for a while, and then show him proof that the house would cost more to fix than if you were to tear it down and build a new one?
I also think you should plan something nice to get him and his family some closure.
Best wishes to you and your family, OP!” SayItAintSo9655
9. AITJ For Not Approving My Mom's Partner?
“My mom once went out with a man who was, debatably, a jerk. He would gawk at other women literally right in front of my mother, he acted very pompous and like he knew everything, and worst of all, he made rude comments to my sisters.
To my older sister (I believe 20 at the time) he called her a ‘hottie’ and my eldest sister received something else but refused to tell me because she was too upset. He has given the impression that he is unsafe to me and my mother.
The relationship ended when I, about 16 at the time, hung up the phone on him while he was at the store because he started yelling at me, and I didn’t want to yell back.
This led to him ‘punishing me’ by not getting the entire family dinner like he was supposed to. He then went on to say that we (my older sister and I) were not used to getting punished by our mother so we had to accept this (implying our mom lets us get away with bad behavior when she does not).
This led to my mother, after just having surgery and being told to rest, driving him home crying. That is why I was surprised that after a bad breakup, she turned to him for comfort.
She invited him over for Christmas, and when my eldest sister found out, she refused to come over. Both she and I (26 and 19 respectively) have expressed to our mom that we feel uncomfortable around him, however, she claims that he has changed. In the amount of time I spent with him on Christmas, I can tell the important parts have not.
I expressed to my mom that I literally felt unsafe sleeping until he was asleep, and she got upset claiming that she ‘is never allowed to be happy.’ So my question is, am I the jerk for not accepting him and not letting my mom be happy?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
At best she is being manipulated, but still, she is the one making excuses to take him back in.
The guy is a creep and not safe to be around.
You should go low contact and avoid situations where he is around, even if you miss out on being with your mom in doing so. But explain to her what you are doing and why, and that you will be there for her when things turn bad, but won’t be part of the problems or enable her fantasy or his terrible behavior.
If your mom complains or tries to guilt trip you and your sister over this remind her that while she is an adult and can make her own decision, the same goes for you and your sister.
It’s a blessing that at least now you’re adults and have the ability to not be around him at your wishes.
Rather than being a child stuck living at home with it/him.” goofysmurf76
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, obviously. You’re never a jerk for setting boundaries with a creep. Your mom doesn’t get to force you guys to stay in her life if she insists that her life includes someone who is a creep. For her, it is a matter of happiness, but for you, it is a matter of safety, and to be honest, safety is more important than happiness.
So yeah, if she can’t be happy unless you guys are unsafe, then she doesn’t get to be happy.” KeyFly3
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Get a lock for your bedroom so only you have access to it, then tell her if he’s coming over you’ll be away. If she’s serious about starting a relationship with him again you need to look for a secondary location to live at.
This is not a good guy. Your mom can find someone to make her happy that doesn’t freak out her kids. He and she are jerks.” Carnalirium
8. AITJ For Kicking My Sister And Her Husband Out Of My Housewarming Party?
“I’m a son of immigrants from an Asian country (not one of the countries you’d think of when someone says they’re Asian) and you need some cultural context to understand.
In our culture disrespecting your elders is a big no-no. The kind of thing that can get you disowned. I’m the youngest of 4 siblings so that’s obviously why you need to know this. Now bear in mind I married someone who is from a different ethnicity and this was a big deal at the time because I was the only one to do so in our family.
So my wife and I recently bought our own home. We had been busy with a lot of things so we never got the chance to invite everyone over. She suggested that I invite my family. Now I don’t hate any of my siblings and I don’t want to talk trash about them on the internet but I have a very superficial relationship with them.
The kind where we can talk, laugh, and then I don’t speak with them for weeks. The three of them are really close, I don’t really feel as close to them because there’s an age gap, so to me, that’s always been natural and I’ve never had any problems with it.
I do, however, tend to go solo whenever I meet them and my wife doesn’t HAVE to be there (birthdays, family gatherings, etc) because I don’t fully trust them (I hope this doesn’t make me sound awful).
Anyway, the day comes. It’s me, my wife, my 3 siblings, and their partners. To my surprise, everything is going well until we get into a bit of a debate. My BIL (oldest sister’s husband) makes an inappropriate comment about certain people from Asia (the kind you do think of when someone says Asian). Thing is, my wife is (ethnically) from one of those countries.
Everyone in the room kinda stopped for a second. I noticed my wife clearly being uncomfortable but she didn’t want to make a scene. Keep in mind that he was completely sober.
I told him that was inappropriate and to apologize. He refused to do so. Things got a bit heated, and it ended up with me telling him to either apologize to my wife or leave.
He got angry and basically said how dare you? I told him either he apologizes and leaves or one of us is going to do something that both of us are going to regret.
The next day I get a call from my sister. She said I was being disrespectful and that she was hurt and I need to apologize to her husband.
I refused to do so because I didn’t feel like I was in the wrong. I told my wife and she appreciated what I did but she didn’t want to cause a rift in my family and said I should try to amend things. I told her the same thing I told my sister.
Mom called me and threw a tantrum.
Saying that she didn’t raise me to be disrespectful and that I wasn’t welcome at my parents’ home until I apologize (that one did hurt). But I told her I wouldn’t apologize. I could forgive BIL if he apologized but I’m not apologizing. I didn’t tell this part to my wife because I think that would be hurtful for her to hear.
This is killing me and I don’t know what to do.
So am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Of course, it hurts, because what they are doing to you is totally unjust. Your mother needs to know the whole story, the full context, to appreciate why you did what you did. If she is racist towards your wife then she won’t understand (and maybe has the same prejudices as your BIL) but if she’s a fair person she should side with you instead of siding with an in-law.
As to respecting your elders, I am very familiar with this kind of culture – and there are often additional values that it goes along with it, like patriarchy, and b***d kinship being always more important than affinal (in-law) relationships. Is this the case with your culture, too?
If so, then they surely see insulting your wife (a female in-law) as not worth getting angry about.
And normally I would urge you to try to make amends and repair the damage regardless of who was right. But only IF this was someone from your parents’ generation we were talking about. But it’s not – it’s your freaking brother-in-law, who isn’t b***d. And he disrespected not just your wife, but YOU as well, in your own home.
BIL was behaving like a complete jerk in any cultural context.
I know it hurts and doesn’t feel awesome. You were raised to think these people were your world. And it’s reinforced by the culture. But there’s this saying about tradition – that it’s just peer pressure from dead people. A lot of these kinds of traditions also serve to enable and reinforce toxic behavior from toxic people.
So balance those against what you are feeling.
Your wife didn’t make the fuss, you did. She respected you enough to generously invite your family and to stay mum when your insensitive BIL arrogantly said terribly insulting things in her presence, and then doubled down when you called him on it. And I’m sure she will never forget that you stood up to her.
You had no choice in terms of the family you were born into, but she is the one you deliberately chose to make a future with, she will be the mother of your children, and she’s also chosen you. What you did was not wrong.
Also, never subject your wife to your BIL again, please.
Or to anyone else who thinks it’s okay to insult her.” RevolutionarySea15
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your BIL made a racist comment about your wife’s ethnicity, with her present. You didn’t mention any children so I’ll assume you don’t have any, but consider this as well: if your BIL was so bold and insensitive as to casually make a racist comment about your wife, essentially to her face, there’s a non-zero chance that he would make the same comments about your kids.
And the fact that your own sister is defending him, and calling you disrespectful, trying to make you apologize for her own husband’s disrespect to you and your wife is ridiculous and beyond hypocritical.
As someone who is also in an interracial marriage, and has been in a situation similar to your wife, please know that you are absolutely doing the right thing by sticking to your guns and standing by her.
Interracial marriage can be such a fraught experience when it comes to respective family members, and all too often in situations like this, you hear about the partner just rolling over to ‘keep the peace’. 1) it doesn’t solve anything, 2) it sends the message to the offending family members that it’s okay to casually diminish the personhood of the one their child/sibling loves, and 3) makes the partner feel more excluded from the family they’re supposed to now be a part of as a result.
But you’re doing exactly what a good partner (and a good person) should do when confronted with racist nonsense: you immediately called BIL out, let him know that it was inappropriate to speak about your wife that way, and demanded he apologizes.
One last thing: if you haven’t already, I would set some time aside to sit down and have a talk with your wife about the situation to see how she’s feeling.
I understand the impulse to try and give grace and the benefit of the doubt to in-laws, with the hopes that it will somehow bring you closer to them, only to have it blow up in your face this way. I’m so sorry y’all are having to go through this.” QuinleyThorne
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
This is an extremely easy call. Don’t care who you are, or where you are from, racist comments are never okay, and it is telling of the mindset of the individual who utters that comment. Morally, culturally, ethically, legally… you’re in the clear.
That being said, if you are where I think you are (a country straddling the equator, in southeast Asia?), you’re in a bit of a pickle.
If you are there, despite a veneer of an appearance of a welcoming and heterogenous society, there is an underlying extreme xenophobic/discriminating tendencies that have reared their ugly head to the mainstream surface in the last decade. I know because I have been living in this country for the past 3 years, and would remain here for the next 2, depending on the situation.
In addition, I am ethnically from this place, even though my nationality is that of New Zealand. Half of my family are of this place and still, live here. The other half is a mix of this place and some other place from all around the world, this gives me perspective.
If you are from this place, sorry to say that your family is taking this ‘respect your elders’ too far.
Even with the strong cultural tradition of respecting your elders prevalent in this country, it had always been based on the right premise, which is tolerance. So that’s why they are taking it too far by defending your BIL who is clearly wrong.
I can’t provide much advice, but if you are in this country, from this country, or (like me) had your roots in this country, or some other culturally similar place, here’s my two cents: continue to treat everyone in your family, older or younger, especially your parents, with extreme respect, whether you are welcome to their home or not, whether you agree with them or not.
In the culture I originated from, this is enough to shame some of them. BUT, stand firm on your principles. If they throw a tantrum, say this: I was raised to tell right from wrong. And I am telling you I will not apologize for saying what is right.
If they cut you off, it’s a risk you have to face.
But, you are doing it because it is the right thing to do.” FandDinTrouble
7. AITJ For Saying My Mom Is The Reason Why I Don't Want To Drink?
“I (20M) am turning the US legal age of drinking this year, 2022. My mom has since I was 16 gone on about her plans for my 21st birthday.
She wants to be the party mom, be the first person to see me wasted, and the first person to see me wasted to the point of vomiting, wasted to the point of blacking out, etc. She’s even made ‘jokes’ about recording me while wasted.
Thing is, I’ve seen her wasted. She’s an angry drinker, and I don’t want that for me.
I don’t want to drink, I don’t want to get wasted, I don’t want to go out or anything. I presented this problem to other people and I got two options as far as advice in this situation. The first was to sort of dissuade her by saying that I had other plans, was going somewhere else, etc. I tried that a few times this past week, but she always said that she’ll go with me anyway and that she was a better option than whoever I was going with because ‘I’m your mother, I’m always going to be responsible for you!’
Today, I went with the second option I had as far as advice went: to be direct with the fact that I didn’t want to drink and why I didn’t want to drink. I told her that I don’t want to be the type of wasted she is and that I’d rather just stay home and read something than go anywhere with her that involved drinking.
She started yelling at me, telling me that what I said was hurtful and out of line. She’s spent the day either in her room crying or popping out to yell at me and my younger siblings. I know it’s right that I stood up for myself, but I also hurt my mom’s feelings, so I’ve been wondering whether or not I’m the jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you tried to tell her what you wanted but you were completely ignored because she wants to see you wasted for her own benefit. Telling her you don’t want to drink because of her is very courageous.
Hopefully, she’ll come to the realization that drinking is a choice that you get to make, not her or anyone else, you.
And sure, her feelings may be hurt, but I’m guessing that is because she doesn’t like being told she’s in the wrong and her actions have created this situation.
But remember, standing up for yourself, is always better than doing something you don’t want to do. It’ll help you, in the long run, to do what makes you happy.” DuskVixen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and congrats on being one of those young people who is able to overcome their past and be better than their circumstances or family history would ever suggest they could be.
‘She wants to be the party mom, be the first person to see me wasted and the first person to see me wasted to the point of vomiting, wasted to the point of blacking out, etc. She’s even made ‘jokes’ about recording me while wasted.’
That is just plain sick. Sick × 20 000. This isn’t a celebratory glass of champagne she’s talking about, but making you fall down, puke, comatose wasted. What parent could want that for their child’s coming-of-age? And recording it? For what purpose, to ‘entertain’ everyone, including your future children, at every family gathering for the next 30 years? Don’t let her wear you down.
Someone has to be an adult and it appears that’s you, in the absence of any better candidate.
I’m sorry she took out her anger on your younger siblings. How old are they? Maybe you can explain to them, in an age-appropriate way, that Mom would rather not mistreat them but when she has too much wine, beer, etc., it takes over.
If yelling at them while wasted is typical for her, I suspect the younger kids already understand how enslaving addiction is. They’re lucky to have a brother who values sobriety.” Rural_Bedbug
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She kept pressuring you to do something you didn’t want to do, and when she didn’t take the hint that you didn’t want to drink with her, you were direct.
Now she’s just manipulating you. Any time anyone says they want to be the first person to have some experience with you, they’re making it more about them than they are about you. As well as yelling at you, she’s also now yelling at your younger siblings, who had nothing at all to do with the situation, which is incredibly unfair of her.
Also just wanted to send you some support for the decision not to drink or get wasted. I come from a family of non-drinkers, and it’s because (on one side) one of my grandfathers passed away in a car accident after drinking and driving, and (on the other side) my other grandfather’s dad was a mean person when wasted and he swore to never touch a drop of booze.
It’s hard to feel excited about getting wasted when you see all the destruction and hurt it can cause.” MitziFour
6. AITJ For Expecting My Partner To Take A Day Off To Help With The House Project?
“I want to sell our house so 2 yrs ago I asked my SO, who has owned and lived with me for 15+ yrs if we could update the bathroom. It’s the last room to get updated and it needs it badly.
When we ‘took some time off to stay safe’ at the beginning of 2020 we started gutting the bathroom and went out and bought all the stuff to put in a new shower, sink, exhaust fan, flooring, paint, etc. That’s where the remodel stopped.
Getting him to help me do anything after gutting the whole room has been like pulling teeth. He throws a tantrum every time I ask him to start working on the plumbing so I can do the drywall/mud, sanding, cleaning, painting, and flooring. I also offer to assist him during his part. But nope.
Always an excuse.
Fast forward 2 yrs and it’s now Jan 2022 and not a thing has been done to this room. Every time I suggest we start on the plumbing etc he throws a fit.
He tells me he worked all day and just wants to relax all night. He does nothing but watch tv. He’s not overweight so it’s not that he’s too heavy to move around.
He is just a professional procrastinator.
We had a talk over Xmas that starting in January we’d take it seriously and get this done once and for all.
So today, he had off work. I went to work and texted him a request to please start on the bathroom. Just do one thing in there today.
He got annoyed at me for even asking.
‘Whenever you take a day off I don’t demand that you get stuff done! It’s MY day off! And I’m not a child! And NO you’re not spending our funds to hire a plumber. I don’t like people I don’t know in my house’. AITJ for expecting him to use his day off to actually get something done?”
Another User Comments:
“This is a classic scenario for people that are supposed to be renovating.
They think they have the time to fix something, but when they come home from work they find themselves too tired or overwhelmed by the amount of work having to get done. Not knowing where to start as there’s no plan in place.
One thing at a time is key. One needs to be planning for what one is able to complete, because if one comes home to a project which seems too much one will shut down.
NTJ, because the work has to be done somehow. Either by yourself or by others. The second option might not be for everyone as it would cost money.
But the time you spend is worth something as well. Sometimes one needs to find out if it’s worth it doing it yourself.
If I were to give some advice I would say you two need to sit down and talk about it. Not when you’re stressed or just came home from work, but also not your only day off.
You need to find out what you can do even when coming home from work. If it’s worth it to do it yourself etc.” haveitgood
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Tell him how having the bathroom like that makes you feel. Tell him what a drag it is and how it adds emotional weight to you.
Acknowledge that there will be days when you would rather lay about and watch TV, but the bathroom still needs doing. The sooner you guys will get it done, the sooner you will be able to enjoy it/sell the house.
You need to get him to agree to a date by which everything must be finished in the bathroom if you are paying a contractor.
Get him to help you work out a schedule and stick to it. When the date hits, you call the professionals. No arguments from him. No extensions.” Medical-Potato5920
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Hire the plumber. I’ve done a lot of home remodeling and if you’re not either a professional or someone with 10+ years of experience personally you should just hire your plumber.
The same thing goes for an electrician.
There’s a real reason why he doesn’t want to do this, though, and it’s taking the form of procrastination. Does he not want to sell the house? Does he think he’ll fail/mess up and doesn’t want to seem incompetent? Is there something he needs to do first that he is avoiding, pushing this task back?
Figure that out first because it’s going to keep driving a wedge between you two if you don’t find the source.” uncreative_kid
5. WIBTJ If I Propose Using My Partner's Grandmother's Ring?
“For 5 years now I’ve (M26) been with the love of my life (F25). I cannot express how much I love her and how important she is to me, I knew I wanted to marry her shortly after getting together. We’re finally financially stable enough, so I decided now is the time.
In 2020 my partner lost her grandmother.
They were super close and it hit my partner hard, especially because she couldn’t have a last goodbye in the hospital. In early 2021 my partner helped her sister move houses. She was wearing a ring her grandmother gave her before she passed, and lost it while carrying boxes. This had hit her even more, and even now she will still sometimes cry about this because she feels like she lost the last memory of her grandmother.
We had looked for the ring but hadn’t found it. On Christmas, my partner cried again because she missed her grandmother and lamented the loss of the ring. This gave me an idea.
She spent the weekend of New Year’s eve with a friend, so I contacted her sister and asked if I could search her house once again for the ring.
When I mentioned that I want to use the ring to propose, she was super excited. She, her husband, and my partner’s mother (who loved the idea as well) helped me, and eventually, we found the ring between some boxes in her garage (even with 4 people looking it took us hours).
I’m planning on proposing on the 14th, which is the anniversary of our first meet and we always go out to do something nice then.
I had mentioned it to my friends who were excited for me, but when they asked about what ring I got and I told them the story, they called me a cheapskate for not buying my partner a new ring. They also said that it was not an engagement ring. I mean, it really doesn’t look like an engagement ring, because it isn’t.
It’s a normal silver ring with an amethyst stone (my partner struggled with anxiety and her grandmother got her one because apparently, those stones help against anxiety, and yes my partner believes in the healing powers of stones and often wears jewelry made out of them). They also said it’s a jerk move to use the ring someone else paid for as an engagement ring.
One friend also brought up that by connecting the ring to our engagement, I might taint its original meaning.
Now I don’t feel so confident about this anymore. I thought that since the ring has a lot of meaning to her, it might be a good engagement ring (my partner isn’t big about clunky and expensive jewelry and even (jokingly) said she would even be okay with a candy ring because it’s the symbolism that counts and not the ring itself), but now I’m scared I really might come off as a cheapskate and she might not want this ring as an engagement ring, but just normal jewelry…
WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – unless your partner doesn’t have a great relationship with her mom and sister, they both thought it was a good idea and something she would like. I’m going to assume they know her a lot better than your friends do. Also, I wouldn’t take the advice others are giving about proposing and then immediately saying you can get another ring.
Propose, if she seems happy let her enjoy the moment and then mention later that if she would like a more traditional engagement ring you can do that. If she seems upset right away then offer this option sooner, but if it was me I would be a little upset that you were proposing with this ring and then immediately after offering to get a different one before I get to enjoy the moment.” ButtercupBug0115
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. It’s a sweet thought on your part but this is already your partner’s property. Using it as an engagement ring, which is conditional upon marriage seems really strange. Personally, I would’ve felt weird if my lost ring was found and withheld for other purposes. But also tricky because maybe your partner would like the thought behind it.
And let’s say worst case scenario, your partner says no to the proposal. It’s still her ring and now instead of thinking of her grandmother, she’s going to be forced to think of the proposal instead. Not ideal. Again, this is a small but unlikely scenario given that you should already know what the answer will be going into the proposal.
As an alternative idea, maybe you purchase two stones as an addition to the grandmother’s ring? Propose with stones, surprise her with her grandmother’s ring, and give her the option to either use her grandmother’s ring as her engagement ring, add those two new stones to the ring to have the sentimental touch but also the newness of the engagement, or use the two stones for a new engagement ring altogether.” FourLeafClover0
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, but I think you should get a separate engagement ring.
Emotionally, the ring is closely tied to her grandmother’s death and the shame of having lost it. She may not be able to separate those emotions from the engagement ring if it’s repurposed, and losing it again could become a new source of anxiety going forward.
It may also remind her that her grandmother won’t be around for the wedding and upset her again.
Practically, amethysts are soft gemstones and will easily crack, discolor or scratch if worn daily like an engagement ring is intended to.
You poured a lot of effort into finding it for her, and that’s wonderful. It’s already a massive sign of your love for her, you can let the gesture stand on its own.
If you want my advice, give her her grandmother’s ring on its own and propose later with a ring containing purple sapphire, which looks similar but is more durable.
Lastly, this is advice I give to anyone looking to propose: if you want to include a diamond, use moissanite instead. It’s cheaper, less brittle, and has a greater radiance.” Due-Storm
Another User Comments:
“I expect this may backfire.
Flip it around. Imagine you had lost a gift given to you by a dear departed friend and were so devastated over it that it haunted you every day. Meanwhile, your partner actually has the item in her possession the whole time but decides to wait a month to give it back to you as an ‘extra special’ birthday present.
You’d probably be thrilled to get it back. But then you’d start to wonder how she could leave you in agony for a month. Was this ‘birthday present’ – which was something that already belonged to you – really supposed to be ‘extra special’ for you, or was the idea of it actually a special fixation for her?
It would be natural for you to conclude that her behavior wasn’t very generous at all, that it was in fact rather selfish.
I think unfortunately YWBTJ. Not because you are malicious, and not because you are a ‘cheapskate,’ and not because the ring doesn’t look like an engagement ring (whatever that means). But because the facts that the item happens to be a ring and that your partner is ‘a big fan of surprises’ and that she is a sentimental person are getting confused with your feelings for her and your excitement about getting engaged. The romantic story you are telling yourself and the dramatic proposal scene you are imagining are masking the obvious: that the loving and respectful thing to do for your partner, who is in pain, is to give her what is hers.
Immediately.
Make good on the good you’ve done by going to the trouble of finding it for her. Don’t sully that.
(Also: the idea of giving her her ring back while proposing and then offering her the ‘option’ of going to buy another ring sounds like a nice compromise, but it’s coercive. Suppose she’s not comfortable with using her gm’s ring as her own.
You will be putting her in the position of either rejecting something that is very dear to her, or ‘settling’ for it out of guilt or a desire to be nice. She may even decide now is not the time to get engaged! Any of these outcomes risk attaching substantial negative associations to an item that has enormous importance to her.
This is reckless. You don’t need a ring to propose! But if you must have one, don’t regift her one that is already hers as a substitute. Even – especially! – one that is so significant for other reasons.)” stdnormaldeviant
4. AITJ For Calling Out My Wife's Gross Habit?
“My wife (28F) and I (30M) have been married for about a year now. Except for a few hiccups here and there, we’ve had a very smooth relationship.
We support each other and even spend a lot of time doing household chores together.
However, there’s a quirk of hers that I find very annoying. She’s very susceptible to catching a cold and she has a runny nose most of the time she has a cold. And she has this dirty habit of blowing her nose loudly into a napkin wherever she is; even when I’m sitting right beside her and having dinner.
I try very hard to act like it’s nothing, but within, I feel disgusted and nauseated.
Yesterday, when she did that, we were having dinner and it almost made me retch. She noticed and asked me if everything was okay. I couldn’t hold it in anymore and I told her that I found this habit of hers repulsive.
I told her that she should’ve excused herself and gone to the bathroom. I put it across as delicately as possible, but she still got upset and said that it was ‘acceptable’ to do that and that I shouldn’t fuss over what was simply ‘a bodily function.’ This defensive attitude of hers irked me and I said, perhaps in a somewhat curt tone, that it was impolite and inconsiderate of her to do this in front of others, and that, as a woman, she should be more graceful and polished in her manners.
When I said that, she simply stopped eating her meal and went away to the bedroom.
She’s been giving me the silent treatment since then and totally ignoring me. I’m not sure, but I think I might have heard her sobbing when I went to bed that night. Even this morning, she didn’t eat the breakfast I’d made for her and had cereal instead.
I tried to apologize but she pretended like I wasn’t even there. I kind of feel bad for her now. It’s ‘that’ time of the month for her and she gets quite touchy and sensitive during that time. I think I might have been a tad bit harsh with her. AITJ?
Update: I was finally able to talk to the wifey this morning.
I apologized to her and said that it was very insensitive on my part to have said all that and that I should have been more understanding and patient with her. She’s been nothing but nice to me throughout the 4 years of our relationship and she didn’t deserve this treatment from me at all. She wholeheartedly forgave me after I made a sincere apology.
I’m planning to make it up to her by cooking her meal of choice every day for the next week.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, not for being repulsed by her loud nose-blowing or for wishing she would excuse herself to blow her nose, but for exactly what you said. You, as a man, do not get to decide how women should be or what manners a woman should have.
For starters, manners don’t have gender, but even if they did, you, someone who is not a woman, have no say whatsoever in how women should do women’s things. That makes no sense.
You describe her nose-blowing as a habit and say that you have been married for a year, so I’m going to assume that she’s been doing this for at least a year and you aren’t just now noticing this for the first time.
If this bothers you that much, you should have said something sooner and you should have made your request specific to that habit, not some grand rebuke of your wife’s refinement. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting someone to blow their nose loudly near you, but there’s a way to have that conversation politely and that’s not what you did.” jazzy_red-panda
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
As a new family, the two of you will be negotiating with each other a new ‘family culture’ of what is acceptable and what isn’t… which in many cases will differ from what one spouse did growing up (in their parent’s family culture).
Neither of you should approach this process with blame, shame, defensiveness, or anger.
It’s just something that all successful couples do (some consciously, some subconsciously).
Snapping in anger, or communicating with hurtful words is not helpful, and neither is rejecting your spouse’s input.
Respecting your partner’s preferences as regards bodily functions such as where and when it’s okay to fart, burp or blow a very full nose is what should happen… but communicating those preferences in advance in kindness is also required.
Implying she was unrefined (therefore coarse) and lacked femininity was hurtful and unnecessary.
‘Manners’ are just a way of showing respect and consideration for the people around you, it’s not a set standard.
You both need to do better. This won’t be the last time that you will both have to work together to create your family culture, so be kinder.” PattersonsOlady
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, OP, but let’s chalk this up to a learning moment.
Married people have to negotiate through and navigate around a lot of differences, some major, some minor. It’s good to talk through these things. Sometimes, what seems natural and normal to one person is weird or discomfiting to the other. It’s bad to sit on them and grow resentful, so good on you for raising the issue.
This is a pretty good issue to raise with your life partner.
You did a pretty awful job at it, though. You shamed her and you were condescending and inappropriate. You started at the point where you made it clear that you thought she was wrong. You suggested that she’s disgusting. (Retching? Really?) You have to get over that thing, right quick.
A better approach would be to wait until you’re both in a good space, not at the table, and raise the issue, putting it on you, not her. Talk about your reaction to it in a neutral and non-personal way. Don’t assume anything. Ask questions.
‘I’ve noticed that sometimes when you have a cold, you blow your nose with a napkin.
That makes me uncomfortable because it makes me think of germs when we’re eating. This is maybe just my germophobe nature coming out, honey. I know you’re doing it for convenience. Is it possible for you to consider getting up from the table or using a tissue? Maybe we should have a box of tissues in the dining room.
What do you think?’
Stuff like that.
Keep her whole, OP. Don’t shame her. It’s what you’d want for yourself if a loved one called you on something that bothered them.
You’re going to face bigger challenges than this in married life. Learning how to talk with the other person without ascribing some motive to them and without getting personal and without getting inappropriate will be an essential skill.
Learn it.
Now back to your chores.” EngageAndMakeItSo
3. AITJ For Not Wanting To Do A Favor For My Brother-In-Law And His Wife?
“My husband’s brother recently got married and they’re in the process of moving to live where I and the rest of my in-laws live.
Now that they’re going to be living here, my brother-in-law asked my husband if I could help his wife adjust to being part of their family, to living here, and to navigating their family’s social circles.
My husband never asked me, just assumed I would be perfectly happy to do this and agreed on my behalf. He then called me to tell me I would be doing this and wouldn’t listen when I told him I couldn’t. When I told him I was busy he claimed I was lying because I’m a stay-at-home pregnant lady who has so much free time on her hands that every time I speak to him I tell him how bored I was all day.
I decided to change tact and tell him I thought his sister or mother would be better since they would be able to help her more than I could and would most likely enjoy it but he said my brother-in-law claims his wife is too intimidated by both of them so would be more comfortable with me doing it.
It turned into a fight because neither one of us would budge. He said I was being selfish and that I should want to help to make her feel welcomed into the family like his sister and mother did for me. I don’t want to do it because I hate socializing with the people he wants me to introduce her to and I only do it when it’s unavoidable, I still have no idea what it means to be part of the family since I often feel like I don’t fit in and both my mother-in-law and sister-in-law would be more than happy to do it.
My husband told me if I didn’t want to do it, I had to tell his brother and his wife myself because he wasn’t going to do it.
AITJ for refusing to do this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, call your BIL and tell them you are sorry, but at this time you can’t do what they would like.
Then say, in the future, if you have a request of me, call me directly, and don’t assume that my husband agreeing to something is set in stone, as they agreed without talking to you.
That said, maybe your BIL wants you to connect with his new wife because MIL and SIL are like they are to you with everyone, and BIL wants someone that won’t make their wife feel like an outcast and doesn’t fit in the family.
Talk to BIL, and let them know for the family’s social circles you will leave that to MIL and SIL, but you are excited for them to move back and get a chance to know your new SIL outside of those circles.” FPFan
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. At first, I was going to say no but I realized you weren’t doing it mainly because your husband didn’t ask you first which I 100% agree with you on that, he should have never volunteered you for anything, to begin with, but, you know (from what you’ve been told) that your MIL and SIL intimidate her.
She’s moving to a new place with people she’s not close with I’m sure she would appreciate more to have the other person married into the family ‘show her the ropes.’ This doesn’t have to be a forever thing cause you guys might not even get along. I’d suggest talking about it with your husband coming to a compromise and letting him know from here now on you won’t do anything he volunteers you for without talking to you first.” RichTransportation95
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your husband should’ve talked to you about this before and is overreacting. It’s his responsibility to tell them if he didn’t ask you before. What I don’t understand is why you’re so against it. You complain about being bored and not fitting into the family then your soon-to-be child’s aunt moves into town and doesn’t feel like she fits in either.
I feel like this is just an easy compromise for both you and your husband. Just go out to a nice lunch (make your husband pay), talk to her, and try to become friends or at least be friendly to her. Then you’ve got something to do for a day, but you don’t have to do that other dumb stuff.
This could be your chance to make a close friend in the family and help out another in a vulnerable time. I mean the worst that happens is you don’t like her and you waste 2 hours.” Vegetable_Papaya_128
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your husband for agreeing without talking to you first BUT agreeing could simply have been your BIL mentioning his wife is nervous about the move and your husband saying oh don’t worry my wife is friendly and kind she’ll help her out.
And you because well, to be honest, it sounds like from comments that you are making excuses for just not wanting to bother with her. You’re pregnant, I get it, I’m due in a few weeks and the thought of doing anything isn’t appealing BUT I think you’re being unnecessarily cold and heartless. You were once in this woman’s shoes coming into a new family and on top of that she’s moving to a new place altogether so won’t even have friends.
You don’t have to go to any of the ‘101 parties’ you mentioned not enjoying BUT you could at least make an effort to go for a coffee with her, show her around town, let her know you are there for her if she just wants to ask questions or hang out with someone, it won’t take much effort.
But from what I can see and again this is only my opinion from reading a post and some comments you keep making excuses saying MIL and SIL will enjoy it more without even being willing to somewhat help her out with other things.” emlf
2. AITJ For Not Wanting To Dye My Hair Back To Its Original Color?
“I’ve always wanted to dye my hair pink but I wasn’t allowed to growing up and I was too self-conscious in my early 20s. Then I got married and I knew I could never do it because I attend a lot of formal events with my husband where pink hair would make me stick out like a sore thumb and I didn’t want to negatively impact his image in any way.
I finally took the plunge and dyed my hair pink in late 2020 as even if it looked awful I wasn’t leaving the house anyway. I ended up really loving it and I’ve maintained it until now.
A few days ago, my husband asked me when I was going to dye it back. I told him I wasn’t planning to and he told me he needed me to dye it back to brown in the next two weeks.
He has a business dinner coming up and he thinks my having pink hair for it wouldn’t go over well. He said I was a reflection of him and I knew what I was signing up for when I married him, so I needed to change my hair back.
I told him I wouldn’t and now he’s upset with me.
AITJ for refusing?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your husband is incredibly boring for this. If he can’t be proud of his wife because he wants to impress his co-worker, that shows his insecurity and he needs to check himself. If you show up with pink hair but have a great personality etc, then you and your husband will be EVEN MORE memorable and will make an even better impression.
Hairstyle is superficial anyways. If you love your hair the way it is, then pull it off and just have fun. Tell your husband to lighten up. Plus it’s your body and you can do as you please. Imagine changing one of your physical features to impress some suits that you’ve never met before and will (possibly) never see again.” User
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. Just because you have the right to do something doesn’t mean you should. I vote for the wig solution. My husband and I are both corporate attorneys and appearance is very important. The other depts are business casual, but all our attorneys wear suits M-Th and when entertaining clients. You have to take company culture into consideration.
While it’s your right to wear what you want and autonomy is important, he didn’t marry someone with pink hair. You changed on him after you married him which is why I agree with the wig solution suggested by others. Is your right to wear pink hair worth potentially halting his career progression? Aren’t you a team working towards common goals?
This attitude that it’s your body, your decision, is self-centered and not a team concept. Compromise or you’ll find him attending alone or with a woman who understands how stodgy corporate America can be. For example, some companies don’t allow visible tattoos and won’t hire someone with them. I was not allowed to hire an assistant I wanted because she had visible tattoos.
Maybe you should be with someone whose job and lifestyle are more in tune with your own. It sounds like you might be with the wrong person if this is that important to you.” truthfairy0123
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it’s your body and your hair so ultimately it’s your choice what to do with it.
That being said, being free to make this choice doesn’t mean you’re free from all societal constraints. e.g. When I was a teacher we weren’t allowed visible tattoos – any we had needed to be covered due to the environment and culture our school was trying to create. If we didn’t like it, we had the freedom to work elsewhere.
It sounds like your husband’s job may have similar expectations of appearance, which you obviously know already. You knew pink hair wasn’t appropriate for his work-related functions and you can’t expect them to change their expectations to suit your preferences.
Luckily you have options! Wear a wig if you don’t want to change your real hair.
Problem solved! Just don’t get mad at your husband if he’s unwilling to take you to work events with pink hair – that WOULD make you the jerk since you’re forcing others to comply with YOUR expectations whereas you do have options and knew what you were getting into.” Comfortable-Beach304
1. AITJ For Telling My Husband What My Mother-In-Law Said To Me?
“My husband and I are staying with his mom for a couple of weeks due to being illegally evicted. MIL and I haven’t had the best relationship, but she was actually mad on our behalf and offered to help us with legal fees.
For the record, we were paying our rent on time, but our landlord wanted to sell the house to his nephew.
Like I said MIL and I have had a pretty bad relationship in the past. It is civil now but very uncomfortable. She is no longer close to her son as a result. There is a huge divide in the family with people taking sides, so living here has been uncomfortable but I’m grateful because we needed a few weeks to get stuff together.
I went downstairs yesterday and heard MIL’s partner asking her if she wanted to go Friday or Saturday (he was ordering tickets to something). She said Saturday because it is my anniversary and she knows I can’t afford to do anything so it will make me sad.
I was annoyed and told my husband when he came home.
He confronted MIL and they got into a screaming match. When she saw me in the kitchen she accused me of intentionally starting drama and said if I overhear something in her house I shouldn’t repeat it and I’m making the living situation uncomfortable.
ETA because some people were confused. She said the words ‘I want to make her sad.'”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you and your husband need to work HARD on your poker faces. You could have sat on that info until MIL/partner announced their awesome Saturday plans. Then you could have squeezed each other’s hands and started cooing about how much ‘fun’ you’d be having with the whole house to yourselves, and thanked them for being so considerate about giving you privacy on your anniversary.
She wanted to upset you, and you gave her that victory. When people are trying to make you angry or sad, the best payback is indifference or (when possible) focusing on the silver linings. It will annoy the snot out of them and eventually they’ll stop using you as a chew toy because it’s not fun anymore.
And for what it’s worth: there’s something truly ridiculous about a woman who deliberately tries to make her DIL sad without realizing it will also make her son sad.” MsChrisRI
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. What she said was incredibly petty and childish but given your situation and the fact that you were for all intents and purposes eavesdropping on that conversation, there was literally no benefit in telling your husband.
You repeatedly say in your post that you and your MIL don’t get along and that you two used to get along even worse in the past, and that your husband no longer is as close to her as a result.
Were you surprised that she doesn’t like you and would say or do something like that?
Does your husband need convincing that his mother hates you? Was telling him supposed to improve relations between the three of you somehow? Because if the point was to let your husband know that his mom dislikes you and treats you badly, I don’t think that’s news to anyone based on your story. And since you’re living at her place currently due to the situation you outlined, it baffles me what the point even was.
Sure, I agree she’s a jerk and super childish for acting like that, but you already knew that and from your story, it seems your husband also knows that and has stood by you.
So, again, what was the point? Unless you’re trying to convince your husband that your strained relationship is 100% all on your MIL by keeping score of every single thing she does, which is also a jerk move because I doubt you’re blameless in this, I just don’t see the benefit in making a fuss about this instead of ignoring what you overheard because she’s a jerk and you already knew that.” Tough_Stretch
Another User Comments:
“Not sure why MIL getting tickets to get MIL out of the house, and you two time alone together on your anniversary is a bad thing… but I guess it’d be nicer if she bought them for you two instead. However, she’s not obligated to get you anything either. The real problem is her motivation and that your relationship hasn’t improved as much as you thought, which sucks.
That being said, she is helping or offered to help with legal fees and is letting you two stay at her house… which must be pretty stressful for everyone. Since she’s trying to make you sad, she’s probably doing it for her son/trying to repair the relationship. It sucks that it sounds like she’s not using that opportunity to better improve her relationship with you too, but at least you two are more civil you said?
That being said, I’m wondering if she has a guilty conscience and was actually the one trying to start drama (and that is why she accused you of it), but it misfired and your husband ended up standing on your side.
Congrats OP on having a supportive husband standing on your side.
NTJ, but maybe still try to extend an olive branch and make peace.
Try to improve your relationship, though also continue with self-love/self-respect, that no, it’s not cool.
Hmmm… is there a way to respectfully ask her or bring up that it is hurtful that she wanted to do that to make you sad?
Maybe phrase it positively like, ‘I’m grateful that you were taking our anniversary into account and wanted to give us alone time at the house, but I wish your motivation was not to make me sad.
How can we work on improving our relationship?'” musingvibes
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
She was wrong for saying that but OP, you are homeless.
It is smarter for you to bide your time until you can secure a better living situation. That means swallowing your pride and dealing with insults at a later time.
Instead, you told your husband what you overheard and he confronted her on your behalf. That led to drama at a time it’s not smart for you.
You’re living in her home so you’re at her mercy. You’re lucky she hasn’t thrown you and your husband out. Where will you go if that happens?
Start planning now or you might find yourselves living in your car during winter.” OneTwoWee000
