People Want Us To Judge Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
12. AITJ For Requesting My Roommate To Pay For What Her Family Broke?
“I went away on a two-week trip for the holidays and my roommate’s family came to ours. I told my roommate that I have very expensive pots and knives so she should get her own. She did get her own pots and pans btw.
I love my pots and knives very much. They were a gift for me when I got my first apartment a few months ago from my mother. They are the Calphalon Signature™ Hard-Anodized Nonstick 10-Piece Cookware Set for reference. I come home to see the knives that I hid before I left on the countertop drying with the clean dishes. My knife has several chunks taken out of it.
This is a very expensive knife that is prized. I also find one of my pans covered in grease and sauce just sitting in the oven. The bottom of my pan is disgusting it’s all stained and I can’t get whatever substance it is off my pan. Then my other pan looks like someone took a fork and stabbed the sides to a different layer.
I thought at first it was just some speckles from uncleaned food or something. These are non-stick pans too so the non-stick coating is ruined. She says that she wasn’t there in the kitchen with them and that I’m ridiculous for asking for her to pay for the expensive replacements. She said that she’d get me Walmart pans or the depreciated value of the items. I have no clue what she means by that.
She says that her family barely used my stuff. She is willing to pay for the knife since it is unusable, but will not pay for everything else because I can technically use them. I know she does not have as much dough saved as I do, but we make similar amounts. I told her these pans were going to be used for the next 20 years and she said then why would they look like that in 2 weeks.
I’ve had these pans for 4 months and they still look brand new so that’s not the problem. If you misuse something you’re going to destroy it. Well not anymore obviously. My life warranty on my pots doesn’t cover gross neglect so I’ve just lost it on those pans. This wasn’t the only thing that her family did they used one of my towels without my permission and stained it grey.
Our countertop has a burn mark from where they left a pan. I go into the bathroom there are p***s on my soap. I have anxiety so confronting her is just making it soar, but I don’t think I’m wrong here. I feel so disrespected that I let people into my home and they treat my expensive items like this. Sorry I can get sidetracked when I write so I hope it makes sense.
Am I the jerk for making my roommate pay for expensive items her family damaged even though I can still technically use them?
Where I’d be the jerk is making her pay for items I can still use. They’re not unusable, but they are damaged pretty badly. That and the fact they are out of her price range especially after paying me for my first destroyed knife.
We are only two months into living together too so it’s hard being in a big scuffle this early on. My roommate doesn’t understand the value of the pots to me. I think most people wouldn’t care if their pots and pans got damaged like that. All of her utensils are from Walmart. She thinks it’s unreasonable for me to ask her to replace the pots if I can still use them and that it wasn’t her but her family that ruined them.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are even obligated in my opinion to sue when she does not pay for the damaged goods. She is responsible when her family destroys YOUR PROPERTY. She shall pay it out of her own pocket or get that moolah from her family. How she makes up is not your problem. But your high-value items got destroyed and that is on her.
When you have pots and pans that are built to last 20+ years and were destroyed in two weeks by them then it is obviously a huge disrespect towards you. Also, they show it with the p***s on your soap and an expensive knife that has chunks broken out. I can bet they did even make other things you are not aware of now but OP.
Kick that roommate out and get another person that does not disrespect you and your belongings. And yes, this is a hill you NEED TO DIE ON! Keep pressuring and do not back off. You won’t lose anything because they already don’t respect you or take you seriously. So nothing is holding you back to take your right and sue them for damages. It does not matter if one can ‘technically’ use the items!
They destroyed it because you can’t even use them for the next 2years.” Equalfire_A
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
First things first. Get a real lock on your bedroom door that requires a key if you don’t already have one and when you away store anything you don’t want to be destroyed or used by anyone else in your room. And lock your room anytime you are not home in case she brings someone home for dinner or whatever.
It may be inconvenient but she has already shown you she doesn’t respect your possessions.
Yes, she should pay you for the pans that have been damaged. Being able to use a pan and have it be used as it was originally are two different things. Nonstick surfaces will not function the same way when damaged. Also, small pieces could start flaking off into your food.
On the pan left in the oven with now likely burned on stuff contact the manufacturer to see if they have any suggestions. Also for grins, I would email the manufacturer with a picture of the damaged pan(s) so they can confirm gross negligence and not common usage.
Your roommate sounds like a real piece of work with her excuse that she wasn’t there when her guests did this.
They were her guests and she is responsible for all the damage they did. Is she also planning on sticking you with losing the damage deposit for the burned counter? And bs on the depreciated value of your items which means she only wants to pay you for them being used and I presume in their current damaged condition.
And I feel your pain as I have several nice knives and pans which I would be livid if someone damaged them like that.
Search the internet on a regular basis as sometimes you can find various pans on sale for close to half off especially at high-end department stores.” 3Heathens_Mom
Another User Comments:
“Clearly NTJ.
You had high-quality items, and now they are ruined. Even if you could still use them somehow (what I would NOT recommend with damaged non-stick coatings), they still are worthless now.
Imagine you would have left a brand new Mercedes in the driveway and they’d have used it unauthorized and ruined the paint, dented the panels, and burned holes in the upholstery with smoke butts.
Would she still say you shouldn’t get compensated because you could still use the car?
Give her one week to pay for all of the damaged items OR to bring you the exact same items in brand new condition. The EXACT same items, not something somehow similar, not something cheaper or somehow different. If she refuses, tell her that you will file a police report for damage of property and sue her for every single cent of it, because she allowed her antisocial family to use and mistreat your belongings.
Good kitchenware is expensive, and you are definitively NTJ for wanting yours back in the same condition you have left it.” Diesel-King
11. AITJ For Refusing To Be A Guardian To My Disabled Brother?
“I’m the eldest (44f); middle brother (40m) is severely autistic and in a group home, and my youngest neurotypical sister (33f) just lost our last surviving parent about six months ago.
I was my parents first choice to be guardian to my severely autistic brother (he’s in a group home, so they handle the day to daycare, the guardian would be in charge of making medical decisions, being on standby for emergencies, navigating red tape for funding, etc, and meetings).
I declined because I have alot of resentment from what I feel is a stolen childhood and having to grow up way too quickly (and a resentful person should not be a guardian), plus I’m childfree, I stayed childfree because I didn’t want to be responsible for another human being (especially not a special needs one), it was NOT so I could be a safety net to other people’s kids.
My sister (who has been coddled her entire life, and we never got along as a result) agreed to take guardianship, I knew she would crack under the pressure as she grossly underestimated the responsibility (I partly blame my parents for that because they tried to make it sound like it’d be an easy job, but I knew better), she also has two kids of her own.
She is starting to crack under the pressure and is demanding I become co-guardian and help her out (I know even if I agreed I’d end up doing all the work), she cites my not having kids while she does so I should have to do it.
I told her she chose to take on this responsibility, I chose to decline it for this very reason, I don’t want to be responsible for another human being, PERIOD.
She doesn’t have it as bad as she was too young to remember his episodes before he went to a group home.
I told her if it’s too much she should sign over her rights to the state, she says she won’t do that because that’s not what our parents wanted.
But IMO it’s not my fault she chose to take it on and I shouldn’t have to pick up the slack because she underestimated the responsibility involved.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
While it is an incredibly unfortunate situation, guardianship of someone is not to be taken lightly.
I previously volunteered at a long-term care home where such practices were common, and I watched as my mother spread herself so thin while serving as the Power of Attorney (both for care and finance) of my beloved grandmother before she passed. She made it work, but it’s a lot of responsibility and pressure to put on a person’s shoulders.
You are very clear-eyed about the demands of the position, and given everything you articulated to us in your post, OP, I definitely think you made the right decision for both your brother and yourself in declining the guardianship.
Your sister stepped up to the plate to fulfill the role, and that’s very admirable of her but she has absolutely no right to try to force you to become a co-guardian, even if she’s overwhelmed.
I feel for her, I truly do but like I said at the beginning, guardianship should not be taken lightly and it should only be accepted if a person is 100% sure they can handle everything it involves.
That your sister accepted seemingly without full knowledge of what is required is not your fault and you’re under no obligation to help her or to assist in any way.” SayItAintSo9655
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Caring for another person full-time is difficult as well as physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially draining.
As callous as it may sound, you cannot set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. You are not responsible for his care, especially since it has already deeply (and negatively) impacted your life.
‘she cites my not having kids while she does so I should have to do it.’
Your sister CHOSE to have kids. You deliberately chose not to have kids because of how difficult the care of your brother was. That was done to protect yourself, not to leave yourself open to care for your brother. Her decision does not override yours.
‘I told her if it’s too much she should sign over her rights to the state, she says she won’t do that because that’s not what our parents wanted.’
While I feel truly sorry for your brother, this is not your responsibility. You did not bring him into this world, you did not agree to care for him, and you already lost your childhood. Your parents’ wants, frankly, have ZERO bearing on this situation, because your needs were disregarded growing up.
For what it’s worth, I understand. I am also childfree now because of years of having to financially, emotionally, and physically care for both my mom and my dementia-stricken father.
It took a huge toll as an adult, and I can only imagine how much more it took as a child without autonomy.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s really sad when parents don’t think about what will happen if they have children with severe needs after they’re gone. It should never be the responsibility of other children to look after a sibling unless they choose to even without special needs.
Ultimately, your parents should have provided care for your brother for the remainder of his life before they died and chose not to do this, instead of trying to force him on the two remaining children. You knew what it entailed and chose not to take part – well done. Your brother is not nor ever was your responsibility. Your sister was naive and is paying for it now.
Step back and let her deal with her own mess. It’s unfortunate for your brother, but again, his welfare is not your duty.” PetiteGardener144
10. AITJ For Not Paying Half Of My Child's Expenses?
“Me (27M) and my ex-wife (26F) divorced about a year ago after being together for 6 years (married for 4). The divorce wasn’t messy and we’re still friends. Despite both of us wanting sole custody of our 1-year-old daughter at the time (we thought shared custody at such an age would be too disruptive for them) we eventually agreed on my ex being the sole parent.
My ex lives close by and has been very generous with visitation, only having denied it at times that I think were totally understandable (e.g. they’re out). She has said a couple of times that she’s not feeling it but these times never bothered me. As quite the introvert myself, I’m a huge fan of not doing something because I simply don’t feel like it and without trying to find a ‘legitimate’ excuse.
Anyway, on my last visit to my ex’s house, we ended up talking about my child support obligations. We’ve talked about it a few times before (we both think the amount I pay is pittance but legally I can’t pay more without affecting her government assistance) but a new thing she brought up was how not only should I be paying more than $50 per week but that I should be paying for half of everything that is bought for our daughter.
I said that while I thought I should be paying more, half was overboard given that our daughter lives with my ex full-time. She said that it shouldn’t matter since she’s still my child to which I argued that that’s one of the responsibilities for having (what I thought was) the better part of the custody deal. I said that being the sole parent comes with benefits but also serious responsibility and that I felt like expecting me to pay half was offloading that cost onto me while retaining all of the benefits of a sole parent.
I then suggested getting a job. She said there was nothing that she liked which she has said every time she’s casually scrolled through job listings. By this point I got annoyed and said it seemed like me paying for half of everything was also so she wouldn’t have to work. She was not happy with that or me saying that she was trying to offload her sole parent responsibilities (it was harsh) and we haven’t talked for a few days.
I do feel guilty about what I said. Even though I think that it sends the wrong message to my ex if I pay half of everything for my daughter, I feel as though I’m punishing my daughter just to hold to my principles. I don’t care about what ‘benefits I get’, she’s my darn daughter. I get it’s also not my business to try and tell my ex how to take care of her own financial matters but it’s difficult when it has an impact on my kid.
I should mention that sole parent support is temporary in my country and so my ex will need to look for something eventually and so this might make my perspective on this even more unnecessary. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“His ex has their child full time & is on government assistance to support herself, she very likely cannot afford to work as daycare is expensive & if she doesn’t have a college degree or a specialized trade skill then she’s going to be getting paid minimum wage, maybe a dollar or two more than MW, just to be paying 75-90% to someone else to watch her child.
Not to mention losing their benefits which could bring new issues like food instability. I can understand why working & being away from her child would be less appealing than staying home with her daughter.
The fact daughter is with her full time & she clearly can’t afford this should be the reason why OP helps out more. Not because he has to or because it’s ethically the right thing to do — but because his daughter obviously needs the extra support.
The quality of his daughter’s life is limited by her lack of financial support from her father, & if he was paying more to his ex then his daughter would have better stability & possibly be able to do more things mom can’t afford to do with her now. Being super dense about the legality of the issue at the expense of his daughter’s financial stability, & making it seem like this is only her mother’s issue, is why he’s the jerk.
She’s already raising his daughter, who didn’t ask to be born, by herself & getting the bare minimum in child support despite his 7 days a week of leisurely child-free time. His ex doesn’t have the opportunity of child-free time to go & work to earn more for them like she would if custody was shared 50/50, therefore the opportunity cost of working is much much greater for her than it is for him.
His opportunity cost of picking up extra shifts or a second job is much lower than his ex’s, & if she’s repeatedly asking for more help then I’d guess she needs it. No one wants to grovel to their ex for money & she shouldn’t have to beg the father of her child to want to provide for his child.
OP sounds like he’s spiteful because they’re not together so since the mom got her she gets all of the responsibility & consequences along with that, & if that is truly how he feels then it just proves he’s a deadbeat.
I get that it’s a good gig for him where he gets to play with his daughter on occasion meanwhile doing the bare minimum for her but what parent can look their child in the eyes & know they’re the only parent that could be helping their child have a better life & choose not to? A deadbeat.
I find it comical how they couldn’t agree on joint custody because they both saw that as too unstable for their child yet he’s pushing her to go back to work & put the child in a stranger’s care full time.
What was the point of her having full custody for the betterment of your daughter if you won’t support that lifestyle when it’s in jeopardy? YTJ.” peacelovelesbians
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… She’s not working? And on assistance?… Nope… So childcare is irrelevant because she’s not working; I’m assuming she’s under health insurance from the state or you’re covering it thru your job, either way, it’s irrelevant; considering those 2 main items are covered then your child support is already covering YOUR HALF of the things she needs; if she’s not working and on assistance then she can file for food, utility help thru them as well… Or WIC for basic food supplementation.
You’re absolutely correct, she took primary custody and that comes with perks and downsides… I have primary custody of my daughter; my ex literally pays half of her health insurance (because I pay for it, I’m reimbursed half) and half of her daycare program for after-school care and the summer program she attends.
That’s it… I cover EVERYTHING else, all her incidentals, the costs associated with keeping a roof over her head and feeding her, all her clothing and school supplies; I even give him the budget to buy her Christmas and birthday gifts that aren’t cheap crap; I pay for her smartwatch and the subscription for Amazon so she can call him thru the watch or the echo whenever she wants to; I pay for whatever extracurriculars, book fairs, spirit weeks at school, Halloween costumes, etc etc etc.
I don’t ask or expect ANYTHING from him except his legal obligation for half her daycare and half her health insurance (which apparently is still too much for him as he’s constantly complaining and tried to get the amounts reevaluated in the court twice now; they declined since he’s paying HALF what the court says he SHOULD be paying).
If there’s no daycare, no health insurance, and food isn’t the factor… Where is the moolah going then?
How is she paying for incidentals, her bills, her cell, etc… That’s not supposed to come out of YOUR child support contribution.
If you really feel like it then ask for a receipt for ALL NECESSITIES (like clothes twice a year, jacket during the winter, shoes twice a year, school supplies) and reimburse her half of that, if it’s reasonable amount. But $50 in groceries every week; that’ll get milk, cereal, bread, peanut butter, jelly, mac n cheese, Lunchables… Easily a week’s worth.” cysluvme
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You should definitely be paying more than 50.00. However, that is partially her fault. Did you guys go to court so your agreement is legal? One thing I would definitely recommend doing is opening a bank account for your daughter, and putting a couple hundred in there every month. Then, when your daughter comes of age, she can use it for college or as a down payment on a house.
DO NOT give your ex access to it, she’ll drain the funds to support her lifestyle.
As for her, no one likes to work. But she’s an adult, she made a baby, now she needs to woman up and help provide for that child. If she can’t/won’t, you need to take her to court and revisit the custody arrangements seen as how she can’t afford to support your daughter.
You’re wrong in that it IS your business to tell your ex how to take care of her own financial matters (when your daughter is the one going without just because mom’s lazy and entitled and spoiled.)” RNGinx3
Another User Comments:
“Long ago, my ex insisted on joint custody because me having full custody would have cost him far more in child support.
It was hilarious given I could count the number of diapers he had changed, he was as uninvolved as you could get, and getting him to even visit them or allow me to bring them to him was like pulling teeth.
When he lived a 700-mile round trip away, I was expected to drive them over if I wanted them to see him. If he had four-day weekends or whole weeks off, he still wouldn’t come to us. He whined every summer when he had them for six weeks…
And he made more than me lol.
YTJ. You are paying a nominal amount. Time to head back to court and adjust it or adjust the custody agreement.
She needs to work if she can even part-time, no under-the-table money. Or you buy stuff and drop it off, no under-the-table money. Having dealt with government assistance I can tell you they can get really bad if they think you are gaming the system.” surfaholic15
9. AITJ For Refusing To Go To My Partner's Birthday Unless He Picks A Different Restaurant?
“I (21F) have been with my partner (22M) for just over a year.
Note: I have been a vegetarian for over 6 years. I also have a mild nut allergy.
My partner’s birthday is coming up next week. I suggested we go out for dinner with a couple of his friends to celebrate, and I also offered to pay for all of it.
He decided on Korean BBQ.
I reminded him that I’m a vegetarian and asked if he would consider picking a restaurant where I would be able to eat something as well, but he insisted that this restaurant had food I could eat.
I looked up the menu online and called the restaurant to double-check. The only vegetarian options are rice, one kind of soup, and veggie spring rolls.
However, the spring rolls are fried in peanut oil, so literally, the only thing I could eat there is rice and soup.
I told my partner I would just stay home instead of going to dinner. I said we could celebrate his birthday in the morning instead, and I even offered to make pancakes for breakfast.
He got very upset and said I was disappointing him.
He said that because I was the one who suggested going out for dinner, I should be willing to go to whatever restaurant he picked. I apologized but told him I didn’t want to go out and not be able to eat anything all night.
He hasn’t spoken very much since. I feel awful for backing out of the dinner because it’s his birthday, and I know it would mean a lot to him if I was there.
I feel like I should just agree to go so my partner isn’t disappointed on his birthday.
EDIT: I was told to include the fact that being in the same space as peanuts/nuts triggers my allergy. If it is in a large enough space with ventilation I typically do not have a strong reaction, however, in smaller spaces, it triggers an allergic reaction. The allergy itself is fairly mild, however, I have underlying health issues that the allergy causes to flare up as well.
EDIT 2: I will still pay for the meal even if I do not go.
EDIT 3: For the love of God, stop telling me there must be veggies of some kind. I have spent the past day calling the restaurant, inspecting the menu, and scrolling through photos in reviews. If there were veggies, I would have found out about them by now. Even so, I would still be risking cross-contamination.”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t eat pork and my husband does and loves it. He rarely gets an opportunity to eat it, due to respecting my dietary choices. So the one day that is supposed to be about him – his birthday – he wants to eat pork. He does a lot to accommodate my diet 364 days a year, so going to a BBQ place once a year that basically puts pork in EVERY dish doesn’t seem like that big of an ask.
So only “soup and rice” shouldn’t be a show stopper. On that front YTJ.
Regarding allergies- TONS of restaurants use nuts in some form. So if just being around nuts in space is enough to trigger your allergies, then the list of appropriate restaurants for you is somewhat limited. So why say ‘Anywhere you want, just kidding’ why not give him options of several restaurants that are ok for you to go to if it’s that big of an issue.
You set the scenario – you pick, it’s your birthday – then say well I’m a vegetarian, so BBQ isn’t my favorite, oh and I have an allergy that may be triggered by this particular restaurant. Honestly, the allergies are way more concerning, but the way you tell the story it seemed like it was seconded to your concerns about having to only eat ‘soup and rice’.
Either you buried the lead (the allergy) or your primary concern is that he’s not being overly accommodating to your vegetarian diet on his birthday. Either way YTJ.
Ask yourself this: would you go to a pork everything restaurant for him on his birthday? If not, this relationship seems like it’s incompatible.” bgreen134
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I strongly disagree with all the YTJ comments.
To all the people saying ‘my Korean BBQ place has veggie options’ guess what, OP doesn’t live in your town. That’s like saying ‘My pizza place has a gluten-free pizza’ or ‘My burger place is kosher’ so therefore you’re lying and are a jerk. Do you see how ridiculous you’re being?
This story is about your partner being inconsiderate, you bringing that to his attention, and him continuing to be selfish.
As a partner, if you’re choosing the place to have a dinner where your significant other is in attendance, and you are aware that they have a restricted diet for whatever reason, you are obligated to choose a place that can accommodate your partner’s needs. If you tried to tell him that he had to have his birthday at a vegan place in order to accommodate you, that’d be unreasonable, but the whole ‘it’s his birthday,******* up, eat your plain rice and be happy or eat before’ attitude that everyone is laying on you is entitled and rude.
Just because it’s his birthday doesn’t give him the right to alienate his partner from the party she’s paying for. If he wants to go to a vegetarian unfriendly Korean BBQ with his mates sometime and not invite you then he has every right to do that, but in this case, he needed to plan ahead. If I was going out with you and you came to me saying ‘hey the place you chose doesn’t have any options for me, can we choose somewhere else’ I would apologize, thank you again for offering to treat me and my friends, and work with you to find a more suitable option?
This guy is a red flag” ctonj
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here because you two are not communicating.
You realistically expected him to consider your needs when choosing a restaurant because to two are in a relationship and you assumed he would want it to be completely enjoyable for the two of you.
He realistically picked the restaurant he really wanted because he assumed your gift was to let him have a night out with you and his friends that he wouldn’t have otherwise.
Most Korean BBQs in my area have minimal veggies with no way to cook them outside of the main cooking area. Even if this restaurant had more stir fry options you can’t use their oil. And depending on the severity of your allergy, I’d be wary of eating anything due to the high chance of cross-contamination. So I understand why this doesn’t appeal to you.
On the other hand, by inviting his friends you made this into a social night out instead of a date for the two of you. It’s not ridiculous to simply enjoy the company for one night.
You two may need to check in with each other on what your expectations are in this relationship. Neither is wrong, but both are making assumptions about boundaries and expectations.” EmpressJainaSolo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, mainly based on the very first sentence. If they’ve been together for almost a year, the guy should be well aware of her allergy and being a vegetarian. Sounds more like to me that she perhaps has never had a reaction in front of him, and therefore, he doesn’t believe her allergy is that serious. To insist that the restaurant had food she could eat, without knowing with absolute certainty, is a bit selfish IMHO.
If he gave a darn about it, he would have been the one calling to check the menu to ensure there was food that she could eat. One of my co-workers has a nut allergy. She’s a cashier and had a horrible reaction just scanning someone’s groceries because the bag containing nuts had a tear in it. Her skin made contact for the briefest moment, and she had a reaction and had to use her epi-pen right there in front of the customer.
I don’t have any food allergies, but I do have quite a few food intolerances because I have IBS. My husband suffers from Crohn’s and there are a lot of things he can’t eat either. Whenever one of us wants to eat somewhere that the other hasn’t been to before, the person who suggested the restaurant has always checked to make sure there’s something there that the other can eat.
If not, then we don’t go there. We save those places to go to when we’re going out alone, with friends, or with another family. Which was the solution OP gave: the guy goes with his friends and they can celebrate the next day. I would never expect my SO to have to just sit there and watch everyone else eat.” QuantityHot6752
I grew up with a vegetarian mother. There are only so many fine dining experiences with a salad and a baked potato.
Throw in the peanut allergy and you must definitely have a limited range of options, which I'm sure you have to bend constantly. If the two of you have been together for a year, he knows better. Of all the options out there, why is he hellbent on going there. I seriously believe he could enjoy his birthday somewhere in which you could be included also. It is unkind for him to press this and then get offended that you can't go.
8. AITJ For Not Giving My Sister Any Money?
“I 27f am adopted. My sister is not.
Growing up I had no interest in meeting my biological family. But I got the shock of my life when a month ago a man claiming to be my biological uncle contacted me and informed me my biological father had passed away. He also informed me my biological father had left a lot in his will and that he wanted me to have it. I told my adoptive parents about the whole thing and they encouraged me to take the money as long as I could take a DNA test with my biological uncle to prove we were relatives.
Now, I have the money. I decided to pay off my student loans and move to a better area in my city. The rest of the money I put into a savings account. My sister, 22f is struggling financially. She’s in college with no money because all the money my parents send her she spends on parties and booze. Knowing I have nothing to spare she calls asking me to send $100 so she can ‘buy new clothes and food.’ I said no because I know she’s just going to spend it on booze and that I don’t want to support her bad habits.
She told my parents about it and they called me screaming and to be nice to my sister. I told them that I’m not sending her anything until I can be assured she will spend it on what she says she is.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… and as someone who has dealt with loving an addict (a heavy drinker to be exact) if you give her coins in any way or buy her these items…
she’s still going to find a way to get booze from it. And then she’s going to KEEP coming back to you begging you for money, instead of fixing her issues and finding a way to be financially stable herself. Once you enable an addict, they will find more ways to manipulate you to continue to enable them. Addicts don’t think logically… they just think about their next fix.
The ONLY thing I would offer if you can afford it, is to pay for a rehab stay. Other than that do NOT give her anything that she can sell or trade for booze. She’ll keep abusing her relationship with you to get more. And your parents need to stop trying to guilt you into enabling her… unless they want to bury her in a few years.” Soupswifey
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You don’t know what she will do with the funds. If she tells you she needs it for food and school then trust that she will. But you are dangling the carrot in front saying:
‘I have all this money and I want to give it to you but I don’t think you are responsible so I’m going to hold on to it until you can prove to me that you can be responsible.
You drink so you can’t buy it with my money.’
Once you give that to her it’s hers. You don’t get to dictate what she does with it. Just put your big boy/girl britches on and say No. I think you are a liar and I don’t want to give you moolah I didn’t have a month ago even though you’re struggling.
YTJ because you aren’t giving her the money because you don’t agree with her lifestyle.” BensonPants
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A great compromise would be buying gift cards or taking her grocery shopping, I.E spending the money on things directly rather than her receiving funds to spend on booze. I saw a comment of someone saying that the sister may accuse you of being controlling etc, however, it is very likely she doesn’t like that she spends everything she has on booze and partying and would in the long run appreciate it.
When I was living on my own I got myself in a real hole of depression and spent my penny on smoking and partying, and didn’t look after myself. When my sister found out, she would help me out by giving me gift cards to clothes shops or taking me to buy toiletries so I could wash, and even said to me she doesn’t want to give me the cash directly because she wants to know the money will be spent on my well-being, and I really appreciated it because I knew she was right.
In the end, I got myself out of through counseling and family support, but there is no obligation for you to do this for your sister.
If you do, just be open with her and offer to go shopping and buy some groceries, clothes, or toiletries for her, and tell her you to want to know it’ll be spent on her well-being so you know she’s safe and looking after herself.
There’s nothing worse than being in a bad place mentally or having an addiction and feeling like your close ones are sneaking around behind your back and trying to control your life on the sly. If you’re still getting grief from your family after being transparent and helping her, don’t help her anymore. I hope this helps!” Jeweled_Sphinx
Another User Comments:
“I guess I’ll go against the grain here. I would have given her the money if I were in your shoes. It’s 100 bucks, what’s the big deal? If she keeps asking, then you can point to the pattern and say this is clearly a case of mismanaged finances and put your foot down. But you’re really going to create all of this tension over 100 bucks?
As someone who makes a good chunk of change and often has family asking me for money, I’ve needed to learn how to manage expectations around these things to make sure people get the help they need… while making sure I’m not taken advantage of. The amount being asked should be a mitigating factor here. If you’re in a good position financially, $100 should never be something that drives a wedge between you and your sibling.
For those people saying things like ‘get her gift certificates’ or ‘offer to buy groceries for her’, you don’t understand how infantilizing this sort of thing is. When people ask for help, it’s not an excuse to massacre their self-esteem. I understand your reasoning here for not wanting to give her money, but honestly, it’s not that big of a deal. People need to learn that not ALL BATTLES NEED TO BE FOUGHT AT ALL TIMES.
YTJ here.” Wasidase
7. AITJ For Not Co-Signing On My Mom's New Mortgage?
“To start, I want to mention that my parents make a combined ~100k but my mom makes ~15k + my parents’ file taxes separately.
I (22F) graduated college, moved out, and was able to land a well-paying job in tech (80k+) and when I got offered the job I was shocked and really proud of myself so I told my parents about my new job and compensation thinking they would be proud as well.
I was excited and wanted my parents to be excited too. They shared how proud they were of me and what I had been able to accomplish. It was great.
This past Christmas, I gave out gifts like I normally do (usually small thoughtful things with some last-minute gifts) and a couple of days later my mom called to ask me if I was gonna get my brother more because my gifts were underwhelming along with my dad who texted me a picture of an expensive speaker he liked. Thought the behavior was strange so I spoke with my brother and he mentioned that because my parents knew how much I made they were expecting more.
Made me feel kind of bad but I tried to ignore it.
Just today, my mom called out of nowhere asking me to co-sign on a new home with her. I was super taken aback and started asking questions about the home they were looking to buy and why. They currently own and are paying off two homes: one in the US and the other in Mexico, so I was confused as to why a third.
My mom said she couldn’t answer my questions until I said yes to co-signing. I told her that was a really loaded question to give an immediate answer and that I barely knew what co-signing meant. She told me it was simple, she just needed me because of how much I made so my mom could get approved for the mortgage (my dad’s credit is really bad + they’re technically separated).
She then added that I wouldn’t have to pay anything because they would be paying off the house so nothing was lost on my part. My mom, to give me more context, mentioned that they had started looking but nothing concrete but if I said no that they would not be able to buy a house which basically pushed me into a corner. When I told her I would talk later because I didn’t want to say yes immediately she seemed confused but said okay and we hung up.
From my understanding, this could only hurt me as if my parents don’t make the payments necessary the debt + ding to my credit score is on me. My parents have a strong track record of manipulating and guilting me into things but I have to ask, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Smart. Never co-sign on anything that you don’t understand fully. ‘I trust them’ are words that mean nothing to debt collectors or in civil claims.
Co-signing means that in case anything goes bad with the loan, you will be liable to make it good. The lender can file liens against your property (ie make claims on it), take you to court for payments due, and generally ruin your credit history. This means, if things go wrong, you might find it difficult to get a mortgage or car loan, etc for a long time (think 7-10 years or more)
Think about it, if the borrower is a good credit risk, the banks would not need a co-signer. Banks do this for profit, hundreds and thousands of times a day. If with their expertise, they are not willing to lend, this tells you all you need to know.
(Not that I think this is any better of an idea) Your mother didn’t offer to make a joint purchase of the home.
That is, she wants you as a backup but she doesn’t want to give you any say or claim on the purchase. This should tell you something else.
NEVER NEVER SAY YES TO BEING A CO-SIGNER ON A LOAN.” phiwong
Another User Comments:
“Oh gosh, you are so NTJ, OP.
I’ve been doing mortgage lending for almost 12years now and I really hope you can hear my telepathic screams right now of ‘PLEASE DO NOT CO-SIGN ON ANYTHING WITH THEM!!!’
General /broad run-down; Co-signing as a joint borrower means everyone on the loan is 100% responsible for making those payments. It doesn’t matter what verbal agreement you may have amongst yourselves, if the payments are not made and it goes into arrears, that’s going to impact all of your credit ratings & potentially stop you from being able to borrow in the future. Co-signing as an income guarantor is you saying you will make the repayments on their behalf if they don’t and/or fall behind.
(I’m in Australia so there might be a few other bits n pieces applicable to the US, but from bits & pieces I’ve heard from US & UK customers over the years those basics are pretty similar).
If your parents already have 2 places and are struggling with the repayments, how on earth are they magically going to cover the additional repayments of a 3rd mortgage? And it’s not just the mortgage repayments – there are ongoing costs in keeping a property to be added on top of that.
And why do they need a third place?! If it’s for one of them to live in, then tell them to move into one of the existing two or sell one of the existing two.
OHH and I also call utter bull on her claim that she can’t tell you any information until you agree to co-sign; she’s probably saying that cos whoever’s writing the mortgage won’t get the ball rolling unless what sounds like their only solution (the high income YOU worked your a**e off to achieve) has given some sort of consent, (but really that person should be discussing it with you in a completely separate interview without your mum before doing anything), and the other reason she might be saying that is cos she doesn’t want you to see what her actual financial position is (and likely identify that she won’t be able to make the payments) before you’ve agreed to get her what she wants, cos it’ll be a lot harder for you to say no if you’ve already agreed to co-sign, amirite?
I’m so sorry your family is trying to use you this way. As one born-into-low-income-household person who worked their butt off to get a decent paying job to another, I felt so proud of you reading your post, keep on climbing onwards and upwards, and please don’t let them take advantage of you — it is absolutely NOT on you if they can’t buy a 3rd property because they didn’t make the best financial choices in the past. That’s on them to fix themselves, nobody else.” Roaringm0j084
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I know there have been some great comments already on why this is a terrible idea, so I will just commiserate with you–it sucks when you realize that your parent(s) are okay with taking advantage of their own children. My mom has made some really dumb financial decisions over the years and has tried a few times to convince me to have my name added to various encumbered properties that she owns (ostensibly for avoiding probate when she dies, to hide her assets for retirement purposes, etc., etc).
This last time I asked for more details on how it might affect me (and my husband and our joint finances) and she wouldn’t elaborate in any great detail and then was highly offended when I said that I would need to know a lot more before agreeing to anything and oh, WEIRD, she suddenly dropped the whole thing and retreated, all hurt that I wouldn’t just blindly jump on board.
It’s been about a year since my mom’s last attempt and I’m kinda waiting for the next go-round to see what new scheme is coming around.
Just remember, if nothing else, if it were really in your best interest there would be no problem in giving you all the information you want and talking with a lawyer, financial advisor, bank, whatever. Guilting you into making a decision based on not much information is never for YOUR benefit.” hidinginthepantry
Don't cosign and expect wrath and fury. NTJ
6. AITJ For Not Letting My Wife Take Our Daughter Hiking?
“My wife has been hiking and caving since she was 16, we’re both in our 30s now so as you can imagine she’s an experienced hiker (although she won’t be conquering Mount Everest)
Early on in our relationship she told me it was essential that basically, we had the same interests; camping, hiking, caving, etc and at that time I was like ‘yeah I can suck this up’ but truthfully I hated every moment of it.
We actually live right near mountains, my daughter doesn’t have any extra interest in the outdoors, she’s actually afraid of heights and bugs – although she does get upset whenever my wife goes camping for the weekend with the dog but not her (not every weekend + sometimes she goes for a week or two doing whatever)
When she got pregnant with our daughter I used it as an out to all the camping and hiking, when our daughter was born I stayed home during her hikes etc. Now our daughter is 7 my wife has shown interest in bringing her hiking, she planned a whole weekend where they’d camp out there.
I refused because I’m just not sure my daughter is ready for that, I’m not ready for her to be out there either and I’m just overwhelmed with anxiety – I said to leave it till she was 10 at least! But my wife got all pouty saying I was ‘ruining what could their bonding activity’ and then went for a hike around this morning and only got home this evening and is in bed.
I spoke to my friend who thinks I’m being a jerk bc my wife has experience etc, but I’m allowed to say no to something if I don’t feel comfortable while especially because while yes, our daughter wants to go hiking the realist in me goes she’s afraid of bugs and heights!
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ big time for a bunch of things.
Firstly, you were supposed to be upfront about your likes and dislikes with your partner. Personality-wise, I am like your wife and love the same things. It would be great for me to have my partner do it with me, and I definitely look for such things in a partner, at least some common ones. You were not truthful and hid your feelings. It could be a deal-breaker for someone, you never know.
I am not saying it is for your wife but seems like she has it handled.
For the ‘although she won’t be conquering Mt. Everest’ comment. You are an idiot. I bet she would if she wanted to. That is up to her, not you. Great for Mr. Armchair Expert here to make judgment calls about her ability (if that was what it was meant to be).
You would have been better off not making that comment.
Your daughter is 7 FFS. Fear of heights and bugs and most things are overcome as kids grow older. I have personally known people who could not look down from the second-floor balcony and are now mountaineers. They worked to overcome things because they loved doing it. Again, it is not your call to make. Let her grow into her own.
Stop pushing your ideals onto her. Just because you hate it does not mean she needs to hate it too. If she is not interested, she will let both of you know. Keep your eyes and ears open and be a good parent. Encourage her to pursue what she likes and stop making choices for her. Sheesh!
Kids are introduced to the wilderness at all ages, starting at around 1.
I have seen avid backpackers hike with their kids in backpack carriers, and I mean intense hikes. As long as your wife is careful and knows what she is doing, it will be fine. And by the sounds of it, she knows whatever she is doing.
Your wife did not get ‘pouty’. Stop being such a misogynist. Are you even listening to yourself?
You are not a realist. You are a jerk.
A realist would acknowledge that you have your fears, your daughter has her own fears, and would build and maintain a safe, open line of communication, wherein your child would communicate their feelings to you. You honestly should be happy that your wife is actually helping your kid build a lot of skills in general early on. Not only is it helping them bond, but also teaching her valuable things in the process.
Just because you do not appreciate those things does not mean that they are not important. I am going to go out on a limb here and posit that you may be a bit insecure about all the cool things your wife gets to teach her. Find your own way to bond with your daughter. Make that your thing and contribute to her development.” STL-Adventurer
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You may say that your kid is afraid of heights and bugs as the reason, but honestly, to me, it seems more like an excuse. You actually just don’t want your daughter to become interested in the same things your wife is. You lied to her about your interests after she told you how important they were and you want your daughter to be your excuse to never participate again.
If your daughter goes and likes it you either will have no excuse to not go anymore or will be jealous that it will now be the two of them going with you being left home alone.
With the bugs and heights, one of two things will happen 1. She’ll go and make it known that she’s uncomfortable and she won’t go again. 2. She’ll go and it will help her overcome her fears and build confidence.
Exposure therapy can be great for phobias. Especially in a safe and fun environment with her mother. Let the kid have this experience with her mother and stop being so sour.” GooseMarmalade
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It wasn’t nice or wise to fool her like that (pretending to like hiking, and if you haven’t already you should now come totally clean about that – great relationships are built on honesty, not fraud), but now that you have a daughter whom she wants to take on such a positive activity, for you to stand in the way is unconscionable.
I have a female friend exactly like your wife, who loves to hike. Her husband isn’t a big hiker but will go with her. But more importantly, they have 2 kids who have gone hiking with her EVERY WEEKEND, and they started younger than your daughter.
They love it and it is indeed a major bonding activity for mother and kids. The kids also get a lot of exercises this way and learn to appreciate nature.
Stop standing in the way and let your daughter go. If she’s afraid of stuff and has a bad time, she’ll be afraid and have a bad time. But maybe she’ll have a great time and learn to let go of her fears. Anyway, you should not be interfering. You are projecting your own dislike of hiking onto your daughter, and it’s not fair to anyone involved. Stop it.” Karma-1969
5. AITJ For "Abandoning" My Family During Christmas?
“My ex had a 4-year-old, Val, (now 24) when we met. We stayed together for 10 years. We had an amicable break-up and my ex never stopped Val from reaching out to me. We did talk much less when she went to college. We became extremely close when she became pregnant cuz she had no maternal influence in her family at all.
I am now married to my husband and he has a 15-year-old daughter, Sal, whom I also love dearly.
Val gave birth to a beautiful baby boy at the beginning of December. Her husband got into an accident on 20th December and she called me hysterically. She lives 4 hours away but I drove there to support her. He was injured but nothing deadly. I stayed there for a couple of days to help and I could tell that she was very overwhelmed. So, I called my husband and told him that I would be staying there for some more days and that I would miss Christmas.
He was extremely mad at me and told me that my stepdaughter would be really hurt and that I really need to come back by Xmas Eve. I firmly said no and that I would talk to Sal. Both of them did not pick up the phone after that. In fact, they didn’t even wish or call me on Xmas.
I finally got back home yesterday and I was very disappointed in both of them.
I sat them down and told them that they were behaving immaturely. I didn’t want to leave them alone for Christmas but it was an emergency. Both of them went on the offensive and yelled at me. They accused me of not loving family and that she wasn’t b***d and I should have celebrated Christmas with them.
I asked my husband if he would celebrate Xmas if it was his sister / BiL in this position.
When he again said that she wasn’t family/b***d, I reminded him that Sal isn’t my biological daughter either and questioned him whether that means I shouldn’t care about her? Sal burst into tears and left the room.
I spoke to Sal and told her that sometimes bad stuff happens and we cannot always control it. She told me that dad said that I don’t love Sal and that I am choosing Val over her.
She didn’t even know about the accident until I came back. He asked her not to respond to my calls/texts because he thought I would rush home.
I told my husband that if Sal had been saying these things it would have been understandable as she would have just been an angry disappointed teenager. I told him that this behavior from an adult is disgusting and I told him that he needs to get his head out of his butt and apologize.
When he was still insistent that he wasn’t in the wrong and that I was, I stopped talking to him. I am not planning to let this go. If this is the hill I die on, let it be.
AITJ here?
Edit: Neither Val nor her husband’s family lived nearby. Flights were impossible to get due to Christmas and New year.
Regarding the seriousness of the injury: it wasn’t life-threatening but he has broken ribs and a fracture in his leg.
He wasn’t released from the hospital until 28th and even then he was advised to take rest.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Yes, this absolutely is a hill to die on.
A couple of things
‘They accused me of not loving family and that she wasn’t b***d and I should have celebrated Christmas with them…’ being pedantic neither of them is b***d either.
You went where you were desperately needed not just where you were wanted.
This actually bodes well for Sal it shows you care about your stepchildren like they are your own and you don’t dump them when and if you are no longer in a relationship with their fathers. That your relationship is separate from their dad…
I think you need to insist on a session with a mediating therapist. If your husband won’t go then it’s probably because he knows he is out of order on this one
Edit as pointed out by Management_sucks (copied and pasted) ‘He withheld the accident from his daughter and manipulated her into thinking that OP doesn’t care about her and cares about Val more. And then asks his daughter to not answer OPS calls to manipulate OP into rushing.’
I think you need to sit down with Sal and tell her she can talk once you have finished. Ask her if she was in an accident or something bad happened would she expect you to come?
Tell her that Val gets that same love and respect from you. The fact that you are no longer with her father doesn’t change that, that your relationship with Val just like your relationship with her is independent of the father’s and needs will always trump wants. Then double down with you know that she is a kind and loving person and you know that she would not expect your other stepdaughter to have to be alone and afraid in a horrible situation just so you could celebrate with her… in the same way if the shoe was on the other foot Val would have to do without if Sal desperately needed you.” Whitestaunton
Another User Comments:
“I know Sal probably doesn’t understand what Val was facing, alone, in terms of the needs/work/exhaustion of taking care of a newborn and a bedridden injured husband at the same GD time, at Christmas no less, but I think you should try to gently drop that information into her lap. Your husband however should have understood that!!! The reason Sal got so worked up originally is that your husband LIED to her, and it sounds like she’s coming around now and trying to understand things from a 15 yr old perspective while he’s doubling down on his selfishness idiocy.
Maybe HE’s got ridiculous male blinders on and can’t figure out what a newborn plus bedridden husband plus Drs visits, trips to the pharmacy, newborn breastfeeding schedule every hour, sleepless nights, etc., etc., etc., etc adds up to !!!!!!!!!!! And you should spell that out rather less gently to him than you do for Sal. And then ask him again how abandoning her in order for an idyllic Christmas moment with him and Sal was the right thing to do.
How lying to her to make her feel abandoned in order to try to manipulate you into abandoning Val and the baby was the right thing to do? Demand marital therapy to work through this!” mochidog12
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but maybe this could have been mitigated with better communication before you left. Your husband should be mature enough to understand why you needed to be away for a few days.
I don’t think you did anything wrong dealing with him.
My main concern is that Sal didn’t know about the accident until after you got home. Did you leave without saying anything to Sal before going?
Your husband not telling Sal why you were gone is beyond terrible, (and I really don’t want to sound like I’m defending his actions here) but not talking to Sal before leaving is the exact kind of thing that could compel him to tell Sal that you don’t care about her while allowing him to think he’s in the right when saying it.
Here’s the most charitable perspective for him in this situation: You left, and you don’t care enough about his daughter to tell her why you were leaving. If he was just mad for this reason I could understand that. If he told you in private that he thought you don’t care about Sal, I think it would be unwarranted, but I could understand that. However, him actually telling Sal and the withholding of information crosses a line, and his actions don’t even seem motivated by my hypothetical here so I don’t know why I’m writing all this.
Maybe if Sal knew from the start things would be different but it’s ridiculous that I’m imaging a situation where your 15-year-old stepdaughter is the one who has to be responsible and assure your husband that your actions are justified.
I hope everything works out for you and Sal, and that Val, her husband, and their baby are doing well.” Runner_turtle
4. AITJ For Not Giving Up My Train Seat?
“I had an incident on the train last week and it’s been bothering me since it happened. I’m wondering whether or not I was the jerk. My family is split and the whole situation was upsetting and left me pretty shaken.
I was traveling down to visit my Uncle for the new year who has been struggling with cancer and couldn’t spend time with the whole family during Christmas.
I had to take the train with my two kids (ages 4 and 7) and it was a pretty last-minute booking as we weren’t sure if I and the kids were going to be able to go.
It was about a 7 hour trip all around with about 4 of that on the train, and my kids were really tired and everything was a bit overwhelming so I didn’t see a problem with sitting in the seats marked as reserved whilst the train was still pretty empty.
The journey was quiet. We got to have a bit of rest and have a few drinks and some food which the kids appreciated since it was such a long day for them. When people came on looking for their seats I stayed quiet and hoped their seats weren’t ours. A man walked up and down the train a few times before starting to ask people if they could move (so he could see the numbers on the headrests), which I thought was pretty rude when he could easily have just sat in another seat for now (the train wasn’t that full).
Anyway, it turned out that my daughter was sitting in the seat this guy had reserved and when he aggressively said to her that she was in his seat she kind of looked a bit startled and looked to me. I had been watching this guy be rude to other passengers and I was pretty angry that he’d speak to my daughter the same way, rather than look to me and ask politely.
She’s seven and is obviously with me. I told her to stay where she was as there weren’t any other seats she could move to that were next to me and suggested he sit somewhere else as there were more than a few seats dotted around.
He goes off muttering and I assumed he was going to sit down but he came back a few minutes later with a member of staff and was shouting at this point how we had stolen his seats that he’d paid for and we weren’t even supposed to be on the train.
The woman checked our tickets and I explained to her that we were just tired and didn’t think it would have been a problem to sit in the seats whilst the train wasn’t full. To his fury, the woman told us not to worry and also suggested that he sit elsewhere.
He started shouting about how we had stolen his seat and children weren’t above the law.
Long story short he was told that he needed to get off the train at the next stop as he wasn’t welcome on the service. At this point, both of my kids were pretty shaken and I regretted the whole journey but wasn’t sure what I could even do at this point.
Was I the jerk here for creating this situation, part of me thinks this man was just crazy and was going to cause an argument with somebody even if it wasn’t us but I’m not sure?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You created the situation by refusing to move your daughter. Regardless of his attitude, you should have diffused the situation by apologizing and telling your daughter to move, getting her to sit on your lap, move with her, etc.
You found the way he spoke rude, but from your own account, it doesn’t sound like he actually was abusive initially.
He then escalated it and became abusive out of frustration, which is actually kinda understandable when he paid for his seat, you refused to move and the train company refused to back him up. I have been in this situation myself, and it’s really unacceptable. Once I had to stand for two hours and another time my group had to split up because someone took our table seats.
Given the added complication of the health crisis, perhaps asking him to sit elsewhere meant he had to sit directly next to someone, and the purpose of booking his seat was to try and avoid that?
You also demonstrated awful morals to your daughter. You taught her that she can take things that aren’t hers just because she feels like it, and that her parent(s) will defend her even if she is in the wrong.
You encouraged a sense of entitlement rather than politeness and humility. Good luck raising a good human being if you continue to teach lessons like that.” kerri_may
Another User Comments:
“Wow, just wow the number of people on this sub who have no sympathy for a family with young children. I hate it when people sit in my reserved seat on the train, and I do get grumbly.
But I definitely wouldn’t start shouting at a small child because of it.
In the UK you don’t pay for seat reservations. However (as OP has mentioned in the comments) about 40% are available to reserve in advance. This doesn’t mean that 60% of the seats were available when she got on the train.
As someone who had to travel internationally with my mum as a child, I remember what it was like to sit away from her because some jerk decided they didn’t want to move.
It was awful and pretty traumatizing. Also, stranger danger is a real thing, and having your child sit away from you on a train is really risky. Multiple stops, all over the country and so much easier for someone to hop off the train with your kid in tow. If people just had a wee bit of empathy, maybe we could find solutions to problems, rather than creating more problems.
My judgment is NTJ, although taking a reserved seat isn’t great, I think your circumstance warranted it honestly. And this guy seems like an argumentative gammon (I imagine his face being all wobbly and red whilst shouting at a scared 7-year-old child). I’m kinda happy you stole his seat, so he could be taught that his actions have consequences too!” TBHOnlyHereForAITA
Another User Comments:
“OP in this situation try and look it from the other person’s perspective ya?
It’s new years eve and you’re on a train going somewhere far away. you’re in a bad mood and you’re looking for your seat. You can’t find it and you’re becoming more and more agitated.
Eventually, you find out that a child was sitting in a seat you paid for. You tell the child to move so you can get the seat you paid for, but the mom is going full momma bear on you, telling you to go sit somewhere else.
So now you’re angry. Essentially this woman is telling you to go sit somewhere else and they’re essentially disrespecting you and the assigned seating for the train. You feel robbed and what do you do? You go and notify an attendant so that they can correct the situation.
The attendant comes and you explain to them how this mother and child were in your assigned seating.
The mother says to the intended ‘I understand this gentleman wants his seat, but I and my daughter are tired so we won’t be giving these seats up’. The attendant turns to you and says ‘sorry, nothing we can do here’.
Enraged; you go off and tell the attendant how it isn’t fair and you paid for this seat. You’re even more enraged because the attendant is someone who works for the company and they should be obligated to correct the situation.
In the end, you’re the one who gets kicked off the train because of your anger and the mom and child get to continue sitting in a seat you paid for.
I don’t know if you’re familiar with the concept of Justice OP… but doesn’t this feel like an injustice to that person? Was it beyond your capabilities to get up and go to another seat instead of telling this guy to go somewhere else?
What force in the universe made you feel as though you were obligated to continue sitting in this man’s seat?” Remm1ngton
Perhaps you initially should have found two seats together in the non -reserved area for you and your daughter so you could sit together.
Having children does not make you more special than anyone else. Nor does it give you special privileges to do what you want at the expense of other people.
And the worst part is, your 7 year old was just taught a terrible lesson by watching her parent be a jerk. Shame on you for being a bad role model in a world where we already have too many entitled bad role models.
3. AITJ For Taking The Lock Off My Son's Room?
“Starting with a background, my son (16) has always struggled with Mental health. Edit: He is in counseling and has been for about 3 years now.
He picks his own counselors so he can maybe find one that he’s most comfortable with.
Since mental health is such an issue we’ve had a lot of trouble with getting him to go to school. He will skip almost every day for a whole school year and then try to lie his way out of it. I told him that the lying has to stop.
I’ve tried everything. Private schools, public schools, online schools. Before the year started he told me that he wanted to try public school again and I suggested that was an amazing idea.
Halfway through the year, I noticed he was skipping more days, I confronted him and told him that I was extremely proud that he’s been going, and that I noticed he’s been missing a lot more days and I want to know if there is anything I can do to help.
He gets very firm, and angry with me and claims that he is not falling into old habits. He’s mad that I suggested he was. I pushed it off until he missed a week straight… And lied to me. I have to be at work at 7 a.m. His school doesn’t start until 9, so I can’t exactly keep track of him. I’m a single mom with 3 kids so I don’t really have anyone else who can either.
They just had a three-week break from school, and during this time my son and I made a plan about how we were going to get him back into school. I also took some of my sick days to assure that this transition isn’t hard for him.
Anyway, today their first day of school rolls around and I happened to wake up a little later than I was supposed to.
When I ask my other son if his brother got on the bus with him he says ‘no he didn’t.’ So I go down to his room and knock on the door to which he pretends like he’s not there. The same thing we have done 100 times now. So I try to open his door, but he has a lock on it that I gave him as a form of trust. I then knock again and ask if he can come out so we can talk and I am again ignored. The usual routine.
I then start to get frustrated with this lock on the door. Since there is no way I can get in he thinks it’s okay to ignore me and play these games. I felt extremely disrespected and ended up taking the lock taken off the door. He started screaming at me saying that I am ‘taking away his privacy,’ to which I told him having a lock on his door is because I trust him, and it’s a privilege.
Which knew was the case when I put it on. I honestly wouldn’t have taken it off if he was just missing school, it’s the fact that he uses the lock to get out of things, and lie to me when I have made it clear that I don’t want to be lied to, or ignored. Am I The Jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I was in a similar boat as a teen.
I have really bad PTSD and insomnia. I would get periods of time with extreme depression and I would skip part of school every day (I was a conniving kid and so I found out if you go there half of the day in my district no one would get notified of my absence). I can tell you have it hard as I did have both my parents present but my sister struggled with very bad depression and anxiety leading to many ******* attempts.
I know that I always felt either ignored or too much in the spotlight. I wanted to go unnoticed but the older I get I realize it’s because my problems were incredibly hard for me to accept. I don’t know the extent of your son’s mental health and the only real advice I can give in this quick post is to be as patient as you can.
You sound like an excellent parent and your child is so lucky to have you. I wish I had gotten into counseling sooner and that is a great path to help. I actually ended up majoring in psychology in college and it has helped me understand even more about myself and others with mental health issues.” thingsthatgomoo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, sounds like Lil dude is going through depression or a case of oppositional defiant disorder.
I was a troubled teen too. My mom was a strict single mother (JW) and a lot of her helicopter parenting saved me from going down a deeper darker path. If there are any free community resources for counseling he should be enrolled. Does he engage in any group activities? An after-school hobby or sport? Does he have a passion? This kid needs something structured set in a place where he can focus his energy on.
He is surely going down the wrong path and you did well to eliminate the door lock.
At one point my mother ripped off my door from its hinges when I began smoking in middle school. To my friends, she was ‘crazy’ now I realize the love my mom had for me to go to such extreme lengths. He will thank you for not being negligent in the future, a pain in his butt now; but sounds like he needs it.
In some states, his absences could be used against you to take away custody (I almost got Becca Billed myself)” neighborhood_nympho
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I say this as someone who had their door removed by their parents simply for having it closed for privacy (literally just to read or do homework in silence in a busy house). As long as he understands that the removal of the lock is due to his breach of trust, then I would say it’s ok.
Communication is key here.
There are some people suggesting talking to his therapist, however in most countries, you won’t be able to do that as it’s a breach of confidentiality, they can’t say anything until someone is at serious risk of harm. Instead, I would suggest maybe finding a separate therapist for the two of you to engage in therapy together (not necessarily family therapy unless you think your other children would benefit, in which case, go for it!).
If he is truly happy with his current therapist then don’t change that, just make sure he thinks they’re having an impact. Having a therapist that he likes and feels he can open up to is crucial in a therapeutic setting.
I’m also trying to work out if there might be an underlying reason for his behavior. If he’s moved schools multiple times then I would rule out bullying but not necessarily stigma, as stigma is going to be present with mental illness regardless of where you go (just an unfortunate truth at the moment).
There would definitely be shame around falling behind and this may also manifest in physical symptoms such as stomach aches and headaches from the anxiety of it. I definitely also lied a lot as a *********** because when I told the truth I was either punished or gaslit for it, so be really careful in how you approach this (not saying you’re at fault, but something to think about).
I would also assume he’s struggled with keeping a solid group of friends at school, which doesn’t surprise me as school friendships can be chaotic and vicious especially when mental health comes into play.
I’d definitely sit down with him for a serious conversation, lay out exactly how you’re feeling without making it about you (look up active listening strategies if you’re not familiar with them), and make sure you’re both on the same page regarding his health and behavior.
Listen to what he has to say, without judgment or comment, and take this into consideration when setting up rules for him.
Good luck OP!” winkymaldonado13
Another User Comments:
“I had mental health problems as a ***********. I didn’t have any private or personal space either. My mum would just walk into my room without warning whether the door was closed or not, any time of the day or night and she did that right up until I left home.
In my opinion, you are not a jerk for taking the lock off his door. I don’t think you should ever have given him one in the first place. He did nothing to earn your trust and you already seem respectful of his personal space or you wouldn’t knock before you tried the door.
I think you treat your son as an adult when he is very clearly still a child.
Your son doesn’t have a games console or a pc does he? My advice would be to take it outside and smash it into little pieces and tell him that when he graduates he can have another one. If he doesn’t like that he can go to military school or a children’s home. People need to stop treating their children like spouses or roommates. Especially single mothers.
#sorrynotsorry. Your kids can be your friends after they graduate and leave home.” EyeOfTheOther
2. AITJ For Calling Out A Friend For Removing Our Friend's Disability In Her Novel?
“I have a solid friendship group of 5 including me (16-17f’s), with this instance mainly including two others in the group – Jen and Sam. Jen is hard of hearing. She has a cochlear implant but knows how to lip read and ASL. I am the only one in our group who knows ASL at a high level.
Sam has been writing a Fantasy book and recently finished her first draft. We all like reading so we were super excited when she said we could read some of it.
She also said that because we were her best friends and had been super supportive during this, she made us all characters in her novel. When I began reading the novel, I could tell which characters we were each inspired by, except Jen. I was confused because I read everything she gave us, and none of the characters were hard of hearing.
The next night, Jen texts me asking if I’d read what Sam had sent us.
I said I did and brought up what I’d noticed and asked if she had to. She had and was upset about it, but wasn’t sure if she had misunderstood it or was being too dramatic. I told her she wasn’t and that it made me upset as well. I asked if she was going to say anything or try and clarify, but Jen hates confrontation and said maybe she got it wrong.
I asked if I could casually ask about it the next time we got together, and she said that would make her feel better.
We got together and when Sam asked what we all thought about it, I asked which characters matched with each of us. Sam listed them and confirmed that the character we thought was inspired by Jen was correct. I asked why she wasn’t hard of hearing as the other character inspirations were pretty similar to how each of us was, and Sam said that it was a small detail that she changed but it didn’t go with her story and was still similar to Jen.
I asked how being hard of hearing or having a cochlear implant didn’t work in her story, and she said the technology didn’t exist in her world and that she didn’t know how to write deaf people. I told her that she made up the world and could’ve added it and that she could’ve asked Jen, but that claiming that you inspired a character after someone while taking away a major part of who they were is wrong.
Sam and the other girls asked why I cared so much and asked Jen if she was upset, but Jen just told everyone to drop it and we changed the conversation.
That night though, Sam sent me a lengthy message saying she was disappointed with me for making it all about me and making Jen uncomfortable and upset, and angry that I’d accused her of being the ablest and bad person/friend.
I went to Jens house and she said she hadn’t told Sam I’d made her feel that way and I hadn’t. She appreciated me standing up for her, but that it wasn’t worth it and to let it go.
Edit: there was a character we thought was Jen but they weren’t hard of hearing, which was why we were confused as they were similar except for that 1 detail.
Jen is more than her disability, I only cared because she did.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Look, this isn’t ever going to be a published book and we all know it. It’s a high schooler’s writing project. It’s written by a friend, for a friend. No one else is likely ever going to read this, or it’s going to be posted on Wattpad. There is no audience but your group so “realism” in fantasy doesn’t really matter and someone was left feeling hurt.
You’re also the betas for this, and your honest opinion was that it was offensive.
Jen was very likely unsettled by the implication that when ‘prettying up’ the group into characters, Sam prettied away Jen’s disability. That’s not a good look for Sam, especially because she had someone right there to ask. But then you have to remember that she’s 16-17, is just starting out, and has written something very derivative anyway (the author sets the rules of the setting, not the other way around).
You should let it go, or send resources on how to write D/deaf characters. Your friend is at that stage where everything they write is serious but before the creativity of skill kicks in. Just applaud her finishing something and move on.” agoldgold
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. This is Sam’s story, and she included Jen just like she included all your friends. The thing is, when you are writing a story, your character details should have a payoff, and there are really good reasons to have a deaf / hard of hearing person: you need someone to miss out on detail to create a miscommunication tension at an important point; you need characters to be able to communicate secretly in public or at distance in a noisy environment.
With your ASL skill, you interact more intimately with Jen’s disability, but that doesn’t mean others have to have it so salient. Jen’s being accustomed to people only identifying her by her disability doesn’t negate that.
The fact that Sam doesn’t have that kind of insight into that part of Jen’s life means she recognized that she couldn’t write about it the way she wanted to.
That’s actually incredibly respectful of her that she didn’t resort to inaccurate stereotypes and decided to just focus on those parts of Jen’s personality that she felt she could write about – hopefully all the ways that Jen is a wonderful friend and person.” vanisaac
Another User Comments:
“Welp, I guess I’m gonna lose karma for this, but no jerks here. I think you should’ve let Jen handle it primarily instead of taking the lead, but I understand why you did as you said Jen hates confrontation.
What makes it NTJ is that Jen was upset. Being HoH (hard of hearing) can be extremely integral to someone’s identity. It affects the way she communicates and interacts with the world and with people, and it’s clear that she sees her disability as a key part of her. I think that’s perfectly reasonable to think, and I do think it’s odd that Sam encouraged you all to pick out your characters in her story but didn’t include a key aspect of Jen’s self.
To me, it’d be like writing a straight character and telling your gay friend that that’s the character that’s supposed to be them. I’d be hurt too, that’s a conscious decision that was made to exclude a key part of myself.
I doubt Sam meant any harm, but this could be a good learning experience for the whole friend group on how to properly include Jen.
OP, I’d just advise to let Jen do most of the talking about herself from now on. You can let her know that you’ll have her back if that helps her gain a bit more confidence. If Jen wants to drop the whole convo, then it’s best to drop it. But I don’t think you did anything wrong.
Also not super on-topic but… it really wouldn’t be that hard to write a non-offensive portrayal of an HoH person?
She’s friends with someone that’s HoH and it doesn’t sound like Jen’s character was a POV character so I truly don’t understand how the adults in this thread are agreeing that a teen shouldn’t even try writing that. Yea, it’s probably not gonna be perfect, but neither is anything else in her book considering it’s the first draft. That’s completely ok and as long as she approaches the character with care and sincerity I don’t see how she could be grossly offensive.
Off-topic bc I think the best course of action is to drop it at this point anyway – if Sam doesn’t want to write an HoH character she doesn’t have to.
Edit: Changed to ‘no jerks here’ because I don’t think Sam meant any harm by what she did, she’s likely just ignorant on what Jen’s HoH status means to her. Everyone in this thread is because we’re getting our info secondhand instead of from Jen herself.” motorcycle_sidecar
Another User Comments:
“When you say inspired, did Sam carbon copy everyone’s appearances and personalities? Or did she pick certain personality traits and give them to those characters? The latter happens just as often and realistically wouldn’t have to include every single part of a person’s identity.
My inclination (due to age group and Jen’s reaction) is to believe that it’s the former, and so in that case I’d lean ‘everyone sucks here’.
Assuming Sam just basically wrote your friends as-is into the story, making Jen’s character, not deaf/HoH was bad and understandably hurtful. However – you should not have been Jen’s middleman to communicate that to Sam. I understand Jen’s reluctance to bring it up, and there’d be no issue with you being there and being supportive if she had wanted to, but she should’ve been the one to do it – and privately if she didn’t feel like doing it in front of everyone else.
Likewise, Sam’s reaction was bad, but also understandable: she heard the complaint from you, not Jen; and since Jen didn’t voice her own opinion at the moment (she’s not required to, this is just more a statement of fact), she read Jen’s discomfort as being that you brought it up in the first place.
Overall, the biggest issue is that Jen should’ve communicated this herself if she wanted to in whatever way she felt most comfortable – which clearly was not in front of the friend group.” tartica_what
1. AITJ For Refusing To Eat Food I Don't Like?
“I (56M) have a son (28M) who spent a lot of time traveling overseas in his college years. He went all around the world, including several trips to the Middle East, where he studied for his minor in Arabic language and literature.
A few years ago, my son found out that a woman he knew in Pakistan had a son (9M). She claimed this son was his, which I doubted. My son, however, believed her without question.
He asked this woman to send her son to the US to stay with my son so they could get to know each other. He has spent the last few summers here.
Recently, the boy moved in with my son full-time, a decision I strongly urged against. My son enrolled him in the same private school we sent him to at that age, which is very expensive.
I have tried to support my son’s decision, but it has been hard. I really want my son to get a DNA test, but he stubbornly keeps refusing.
Recently, things came to a head at a family dinner my son invited us to. He said the boy was feeling homesick, so they cooked Pakistani food together. My son wanted the whole family to eat this food because he said it would make the boy feel like he and his culture were accepted by the whole family.
Now, I don’t like Middle Eastern food. I don’t like strong spices. My son begged me to just try some of it or to at least eat the bread they made. The bread had flecks of all kinds of weird spices on it though, so I refused. My son got mad and asked me to please eat something just to ‘make your grandson happy.’ He pulled me aside for this, so the boy wasn’t present to hear our conversation.
I told my son that I have no proof he is my grandson, and even if I did, I shouldn’t have to eat food I don’t like. My son called me a selfish, stubborn J and then asked me to leave. So, I did. My wife stayed though.
My wife agrees with me that I shouldn’t have to eat food I don’t like, but she said I could have at least tried a bite to appease our son.
She thinks I was just being stubborn to be stubborn. I wasn’t though. I don’t like Middle Eastern food, that’s all. How can I be the J for that? Still, my son isn’t speaking to me right now. Should I have just tried some bread?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, not for not eating the food, but for needing the kid to be your biological grandson to show any sort of affection.
Obviously, your son doesn’t care if it is his child or not, he wants to show him his love anyway. Love isn’t a responsibility towards those who share your DNA. It’s something we all choose to give, and if you can’t give it to someone who your own son values very much, I personally find that sad.
Also, Pakistan is not in the Middle East. It’s by India and used to be a part of India.
I’m guessing you are American (not that there is anything wrong with that).
Also also, based on my guess that you are American, I want to add that American food is REALLY bland. Try any food from anywhere other than America, and most Americans will turn up their nose. Have some adventure.
Also also also, how can you ‘not like Middle Eastern food?’ Does that mean you don’t like Afghani food?
Or Iraqi food? Or do you not like the food because it originates in the Middle East? You do realize, they have different foods there, right? Just because you tried one ‘Middle Eastern’ food doesn’t mean it’s anything like Pakistani food.” w015prc
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
1.- ‘He has to eat because that way the child feels accepted’ Eeh, no. There are other ways to do it, there are people who just DON’T like food from other places and that’s okay, everyone always says ‘Don’t force food’ and here they go hypocritical. Op decides if he wants to eat it or not (not like he lives under his caretaker’s roof)
2.- And what if the grandson is not even his son’s? I know it was out of place but surprise, they are in a country where there are cases like these, not all are like that but it usually happens.
3.- And regarding the first point, it is horrible to eat food that you do not like. It was not a formal event, it was just an ordinary dinner.
The son could rather say ‘I’m sorry, but Op is sick and can’t eat’. Was it that much cost ???
4.- ‘You deny the grandson because of his race’ No, it was because he was a child who is out of nowhere, literal. Op may have his doubts too, apart from what if in the end that child was never his? There are possibilities, it is not known
5.- ‘If you don’t try it, you won’t know you like it’ Eeh, no. Some people do not tolerate the smell and there are also people who when they have an idea that they do not like it, their body rejects it. That is why the person must be in the capacity that if or if he wants because if he does not want it, it ends worse, do you know how I know?
I saw it first hand, that sick person ended up. I understand that it must have been goodwill but they could say how ‘he is sick’ or ‘he will take it home with him to eat it’. Couldn’t that be done or was it so hard for a son?
There was a case of a vegetarian forced to eat meat to ‘not make a scene’ and he was forced, isn’t it the same here?
Op, you have the right to decide not to eat, it is not a formal event and you decided to keep yourself with composure, your son is the one who decided to behave like this. They call Op a racist just because he says ‘I don’t like spicy food’ and they say ‘oh it’s racist why that country-‘ NO, IT IS NOT RACIST. Racist is to think that this situation is.
Do they know it? A person can become seriously ill from some species that he does not tolerate. Do you think it is okay for Op to get sick just because his son thinks he is being intolerant when the boy is intolerant because they burst his bubble?” Roroin
Another User Comments:
“Yeah, YTJ. I get not liking the strong spices, I am the same way and have a very low tolerance for capsaicin, so all the pepper-infused foods (and when people talk about spices, they most often than not mean pepper, even though there are tons of other, non-hot spices available) are out.
HOWEVER! If I was specifically invited to a dinner meant to comfort someone who is being homesick, especially if that someone was my grandchild, I would shut up and eat it. Well, ok, try it, probably cry a bit from how spicy it is, and ask for a glass of milk, but still, I would at least try. Cause yeah, really, this dinner is not about you, it’s about your grandson.
And the thing that really makes you the jerk is how resistant you are to the idea that he is your grandson. So, maybe they already did a DNA test, and just decided not to make it public knowledge because for a Pakistani woman to have her words about a child’s paternity doubted like that is shameful. Or maybe they did and discovered that yes, indeed, he is not the child’s biological father, but he decided to adopt the kid and treat him like one anyway.
Or maybe they didn’t do anything and he just believed her. The exact truth doesn’t matter, what matters is that your son decided to become a father, with all it entails, and to treat the boy as his son. And it seems to me that THIS is what you have the most trouble with, that your grandson is Pakistani. Well, dude, that’s racist, and firmly makes you the jerk.
Get over it and accept that yep, you have a Pakistani grandson, will always have a Pakistani grandson, and he might eat the food that’s foreign to you and have customs that are foreign to you, but he is now a part of the family, so you’d better work on building a cordial relationship with him.” Sunny_Hill_1
Anotoher User Comments:
“NTJ, people have the right to eat what they like and not eat what they do not like, and it is a natural impulse not to want to try new foods especially when it is not your choice to try them, the son should have told him beforehand so that OP could speak with him and they reached an agreement, if my family suddenly came with foreign food that they do not know or with ingredients that they do not like, they would not taste it, and the son was completely ridiculous for wanting to force his father to eat something that he I did not want to.
the majority give negative votes just because OP does not believe that his biological grandson is something in which he has more than valid reasons but that has nothing to do with the matter, or because he rejects the food of another culture but he did not enter the house knowing what food would they eat, he rejected it because he feared that the ingredients would cause him an upset stomach which is reasonable due to his age since he does not use such ingredients, this situation would be the same as trying to force someone from Pakistan to eat Mexican food when he does not wants.” Powerful-Spot8764
A polite person at least tries the food they have been served. Chances are high that your son had adjusted the spice levels so that it wouldn't be too hot.
But "the bread had some weird flecks in it"? How old are you? Two?
Ps.Whether the grandchild is biologically yours or not is irrelevant to the fact that your son has made them part of his family and through that, yours.
