People Want Insight Into Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
21. AITJ For Telling My Husband His Mom Was Ruining Our House Move?
“I (31F) and my husband (38M) have been toying with the idea of moving house for a while now, we have an almost 5-year-old and I’m currently 6 months pregnant.
Our house is perfect aside from a very small 3rd bedroom which is perfect for a nursery, but not a growing child.
Out of curiosity, we looked for houses we could afford and found a 3 bed detached, with a big garden and garage for not much more than our house.
We decided to put in an offer, knowing we would need to do renovations in a year or two to make the kitchen/diner area bigger by adding an extension and selling our house.
My MIL has been widowed for several years now and for this time I’ve had to accept that she depends more on my husband and likes to be more involved in our lives than I would like, but I stay quiet to keep the peace.
When we told her we were moving she became very emotional saying it was a shame we were moving, yet she is always saying how our house isn’t big enough for our extending family.
We showed her the new house and she didn’t say much. She is upset that the kitchen is smaller than what we have now, that there’s no entrance porch to leave shoes and coats etc, and doesn’t feel it appropriate that we should ‘put up’ with how it is until we extend.
We explained our plans to extend the downstairs and how upstairs is everything we need.
She’s now upset it isn’t a 4 bedroom house as we should have 4 bedrooms and not 3?! I kept quiet for a while then told my husband I wasn’t happy with the comments she was making about the house.
She then started sending us 4-bed properties that are more expensive and doesn’t see the logic in not spending more if we can afford to do so (I’m sure she forgets I will be dropping my salary when I go on maternity leave for a year).
I finally snapped at my husband yesterday when he came home for lunch and said I was tired of her sending houses when we’ve bought one and her always being negative about the house.
He got mad with me saying she’s only trying to help. I told him I was starting to hate the idea of moving now and she was ruining the house for me, to which my husband told me to grow up and he stormed out in a blind fury back to work and hasn’t spoken to me since.
Am I the jerk for telling him what I thought?
UPDATE So we’re in the U.K., the housing prices for what she is sending us are over £100k more than what we are paying for this house.
By the time we extend the new house, we will have spent an additional £40k which is financially more viable. We are moving less than a mile away from where we are now. This wasn’t the first time I’d told my husband that she was overstepping and even he told her that we have bought this house, once our offer was accepted it became ours.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – she’s upset that the renovation will be for necessary space and not to make an in-law suite for her.
That’s what the 4th bedroom nonsense is about; she intends to move in and take over your home.
Simple as that.
There needs to be an end to this, but unfortunately, that’s going to require a calm sit-down conversation for which you and your husband have already prepared. I understand sucking it up to keep the peace.
I really do. Been there, done that, and learned that some people simply cannot hold an adult discussion. If she’s one of those people then your husband needs to be the one to grow up and deal with his mother.
You’re pregnant, dealing with purchase/sale/moving house, in the middle of a health crisis, and already have one child to care for. Her behavior isn’t anything but self-serving, and he knows it… But it’s very likely he’s fielding a great deal of her whining and guilt-tripping, and probably feels wedged between the two of you.
The whole situation is terrible, but let’s be VERY clear, MIL is the one making it that way.” CatteHerder
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ – you only are for keeping this in and then blowing up and not discussing it more calmly.
From what you wrote, what you are saying is very true – but your delivery was over the top. Call him and apologize for blowing up and going too far saying she is ruining things for you – yet the bottom line is there is an issue and you have to work together to figure it out.
Then calmly discuss; you understand mom depends on him for help, that while not perfect, you do struggle with her demands on him. That once a second baby comes, he can’t be spread too thin.
Why doesn’t she understand that there is no going ‘backward’, what good does sending the pictures do at this point as the new house is a purchased, done deal? Also, a frank discussion of why she is so set on a 4th bedroom – is the new house further away and she wants to stay occasionally, is it a secret desire of hers to live with you down the line, or something he has offered without your knowledge?
Basically have an open and deep conversation – stop the assumptions and holding feelings in… Good Luck!” Babsgarcia
Another User Comments:
“Yikes OP. It sounds like you have a husband problem here. I know this isn’t really what you asked, but your husband really needs to set some boundaries and put his wife first. You can also set boundaries with her.
Even if you let it go on for years, it’s not too late to take your marital business back. Stop telling her things. Stop getting her opinion on things. Tell the husband that you are his wife, not her.
All major discussions will be between only you and him moving forward. If he refuses or argues, you’ll have to make some further decisions. Also, his storming off/silent treatment is a bit concerning to me.
Part of marriage is having disagreements and having difficult discussions. Is this how he acts?
I’m curious as to why married couples allow their family to have so much influence/opinion in their lives?
When I got married, I made it clear to my husband that our life together is our business and I will not allow or tolerate anyone from either my or his family butting in.
He agreed. No one butts in our marriage with their opinions on what we should do because either my husband or I would tell them it’s not their business. Like, why do people get married and then allow their parents/siblings/whoever to have so many opinions?
I truly don’t understand. Don’t get married if (generally) you’re gonna let family intrude on your marriage.
Also, NTJ.” PsychoticNurse
20. AITJ For Asking My Wife Not To Confront My Parents?
“I (26m) have always had a rough relationship with my parents. It’s complicated because they aren’t always outwardly horrible, but just a bunch of horrible stuff happened throughout my childhood.
We are low contact at the moment because I am really close with my other family members and my parents are very much still integrated into the mix so it’s easier not the cause drama for everyone involved. BUT in a month my wife (26) and I are moving 5 whole states away and not looking back, and we will be officially going NC with my parents then.
I don’t want to tell them beforehand because my mother (a narcissist) will definitely cause a fuss and it’s so much harder for her if we’re hundreds of miles away.
So, that being said, my parents still suck while we’re here.
Recently, my wife had to be committed due to her mental health. It was an extremely hard time for us, but especially her. She is diagnosed with BPD because of her own family stuff (she is already NC with her entire family) and while she was there she was also diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum.
It was a lot for her all at once. Only very few family members of mine knew exactly what was going on, and most everyone just knew a very small gist. My wife was in for 2 weeks, and now she’s been out for another 2 and is doing much much better.
But a couple of days ago my parents called and asked me to come over, just me. I went and when I got there they sat me down on the couch to have some sort of ‘intervention’ about my marriage.
Somehow they found out and they were ‘appalled’ by my wife’s ‘lack of mental stability’ and they also thought I should seriously consider divorce because my wife is autistic. It was appalling and cruel and I left without hearing the rest. I told them off, but probably not as much as I should have, or as much as I wanted to because we are leaving soon, and my parents really do know how to completely ruin everything for everyone.
I did plan to call and tell them off once we moved away though. (I know this is cowardly, but there’s really no way to get into how manipulative and horrible they can be in under 3,000 characters.)
When I got home my wife could tell I was visibly upset, and I ended up venting to her about it after she pressed. My wife was LIVID and also extremely distraught. She wanted to call my parents and curse them out, but I asked her not to and explained it would be better to wait.
It took her a while to calm down (her BPD makes it hard for her to be non-confrontational sometimes). When she did calm down she was still really mad at me and told me I shouldn’t have told what my parents said about her if she wasn’t allowed to call them out.
I did feel bad for telling her because I honestly didn’t think about it at the moment. She is my best friend and I vent to her about everything, especially my parents, so I didn’t think I was wrong to tell her.
Plus, it was about her, she deserved to know, and in just a few weeks she can go as ham as she wants.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I understand that family dynamics get complicated, and I also understand that it’s much easier to just move and go no contact instead of confronting their unacceptable behavior.
That being said, you can’t tell your BPD wife that your parents said that stuff and expect her to have no reaction whatsoever. You essentially took horrible words straight home to their intended target.
If you were gonna tell her what they said, you needed to be prepared to fight for her. If you weren’t going to be confrontational with your parents, you should have followed through and kept it to yourself.
I’ve had family members who are seemingly okay with horrible stuff because it’s easier not to speak up. That kind of half-baked love just isn’t enough.” TenaciousTiger666
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I think if she could tell something was wrong as soon as you got home, lying to her would make it 10x worse.
I have BPD and it would nag me to death knowing something was up and not understanding what it was.
Good on you for planning NC, but also understand this diagnosis will be absolutely difficult to process for her.
I told my partner not to mention my diagnosis when I told him because I too was afraid of how his family might perceive it.
Be supportive and stick to your guns on NC.” Failsafe-0
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your parents attacked your wife. As long as she doesn’t break any laws in the process, she gets to respond to that however she wants to respond. Frankly, I think your energies are better served to figure out why you’re more concerned with keeping the peace than trying to stop her from letting them face the consequences of acting like you two aren’t a team and they shouldn’t have assumed you’d go straight to her with ‘guess what nonsense Mom and Dad just tried to pull.’ Or at the very least, why you’d still rather wait before confronting them to clear up any lingering confusion on that point when she’s made it clear it’s this important to her.
Again, if your mom causes a fuss over being confronted with the consequences of her actions, and you need to come down hard or even get the authorities involved to make it clear that’s her problem, that’s her problem.” mm172
19. ATIJ For Screaming At My Brother For Making Me Trip?
“I (15) was going outside to get firewood from the woodpile. My family had just got home, and my mom sent me and my siblings to get wood on our way up to the house.
Pretty normal for our family. (Note, we park in a small metal carport at the bend in our driveway, maybe 10 yards from our house. I had to dash in to go to the bathroom before I could grab the wood.) Once I finished in the bathroom, I had to go and get firewood.
My bro (12) had a flashlight because it was dark, and I asked him to shine it on the ground so I could see without tripping. He didn’t hear me when I said ‘at the ground’ and instead shone it in my face.
I was blinded for a second and tripped. I fell and skinned my dominant hand, my hip, and my knee. My hip was also pretty badly bruised, and I can’t step without limping. I also can’t use my hand.
After it happened and got my hand bandaged, I started screaming at my brother. It’s not serious at all, but I really hurt his feelings, and I think I might be the jerk because A: He didn’t hear me, because I might not have been talking loud enough and B: I screamed at him.
AITJ?
Edit: I did forget to mention that my brother only told me after I was finished screaming that he didn’t hear me. I did not know, and yes, screaming was unkind, but I just snapped after all the pressure from school and babysitting.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – Yes you shouldn’t have yelled at him, but you were hurt and scared. Hello, you’re human, you have emotions, and sometimes you react because of it.
And anyone who said ‘I wouldn’t have yelled at anyone after falling and hurting myself like that’ is either a giant liar or a saint.
Just apologize for yelling and move on.” EmilieVitnux
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It was an accident. Screaming at him was pointless and unkind.
It’s always better to treat people how you’d want to be treated if you made a mistake.” WebbieVanderquack
Another User Comments:
“I think the real jerks here are the parents. There should be another solution than doing this whole firewood thing in the dark. Put up some lights, do it in the daylight (whoever is at home at that time), bring in enough for a week on the weekends (in daylight) – there are several things they could do besides making the children do it in the dark.
At least have enough flashlights for everyone?” Business-Raise2683
18. AITJ For Making My Sister Pick Up Her Cat Early?
“My sister has a new kitten and is in town for the holidays. She made all these plans with her friends for an extended week-long trip to visit them a few hours away.
She didn’t tell me, but she assumed I would care for her kitten during that time – I live in a tiny, tiny studio apartment. I was angry that she assumed I would care for it for over a week without telling me, but my sister assured me – the kitten is amazingly behaved, she sleeps all night, she doesn’t eat plants (I have many plants), and she doesn’t stick her claws in furniture.
7 days later, this cat is super insane. She has spent nights walking around my house messing up everything she can. Eating all my plants, climbing my expensive curtains like a spider monkey, sticking her claws in all my furniture non-stop.
I have barely slept in days – and it’s a studio apartment so I can’t separate her from myself or anything.
My sister said she would be back by Sunday or Monday.
Last night – that cat is acting weird and has gone into HEAT for the first time. Literal constant meowing and yowling and she is more troublesome than ever wanting MORE attention because she’s in heat and doing it by messing up my things even more.
I called my sister and told her to please come get the cat Sunday rather than Monday – I am so sleep-deprived and am close to being enraged with how this cat behaves, that my sister lied to me so blatantly about its behavior, and that she saddled me with it without asking for so long.
My sister is now angry because picking up her cat early gets in the way of her plans. She wanted to spend an extra day there but is just now telling me. She also might be sick and needs to stay away and picking up her cat gets in the way of her plans.
She is guilting me like crazy and is expecting me to help her find new plans because ‘I so desperately need her to get her cat.’ I’m really confused if I’m being a jerk or not.
AITJ for not being a patient enough cat sitter, and expecting my sister to change her plans to relieve me of caring for her kitten?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister never even actually asked you to petsit.
She just forced it on you and has been similarly noncommunicative about the rest of her plans in the hopes you’ll just go along with it. Also, she’s a jerk by default for not getting the cat spayed before this, so…” mm172
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister is super entitled. Who gets a pet and then pawns them off on someone else. Then on top of it making it seem like it’s your fault that she has to pick up her pet.
YOU DIDN’T BUY A KITTEN SHE DID. She can have the inconvenience of whatever comes with owning it. Not to mention that if someone’s pet that they pawned on me messed up my furniture, they would be paying to replace EVERYTHING.” FreshBueller416ix
17. AITJ For Stopping My Significant Other During New Year's Eve?
“My significant other, 21f, is very energetic and can be chaotic sometimes. Especially when she is wasted, she loses control more than most wasted people. So for New Years’ break, we went to her parents’ house.
They have a pool at their house and that’s where the party was located. It was a fun night, we all danced, sang, and played in the pool. After midnight, she and a few friends got extremely wasted. So they thought it would be a good idea to jump the roof into the pool.
The roof was only one story but I stopped them. I was then yelled at for stopping all the fun. Because of this, I can’t tell if I did the right thing. I think I did but apparently, I ruined New Year’s.
My significant other has barely talked to me since, so I need to know, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Do you know what would ruin NYE? Someone shattering both their legs when they 1. miss the pool, or 2.
jump into water that’s too shallow with straight legs. I would bet that your girl’s parents are thankful because their homeowners’ insurance would have picked up the cost of a 6-7 figure settlement and then likely dropped them or their rates would skyrocket.” Elegant_Hornet_7641
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, what seems like a good idea when you’re wasted tends to be stupid in the light of day with a clear head. Jumping off the roof into a pool is stupid, wasted or sober.
It’s all fun and games until someone breaks their neck. Let your significant other pout, you may have ruined their ‘vibe’ but you probably prevented a horrendous accident.” User
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna go with NTJ just because even if the pool was close enough to the roof and people had jumped off it into the pool before, it sounds like she and her friends were too wasted to do so this time and likely would have injured themselves.
If she drops it in a day or two then ‘no jerks here’ but if she were to say break up with you over this she would be the jerk.” LightProof24
If any of them would've gotten hurt or worse, they'd probably regret it all once they sobered up. And yes, it would've killed the party and ruined NYE in a flash.
So kudos to OP for keeping them safe, even if his GF thought he was being a bit of a party pooper.
16. AITJ For Being "Crude" When My Cousin Kept Asking To Babysit?
“I have four-month-old twins and an eighteen-month-old daughter. All three are breastfed, twins exclusively breastfed (EBF). Since my boys, my family has been insane, constantly showing up unannounced, to the point where my wife had to literally escort my cousin out.
We went to my parents’ place for New Year’s Eve, we were only planning on being there for a few hours so our daughter could have some interaction that isn’t just us.
Naturally, the boys came up, and people kept asking to hold them.
My cousin then piped up and asked if she could babysit the boys. I said no, they’re breastfed and don’t take bottles.
She said she was sure she could get them to take bottles as she’d ‘managed before’ (she gave our daughter a bottle when she was twelve months after she’d been using a cup for a few months).
I told her that, no, they wouldn’t be having bottles. In any situation.
Every few minutes she’d ask again, keep pushing it, coming up with new ideas. None of which I am going to go for, obviously.
Just as we were getting ready to leave, she followed us to the door, and quite literally tried to pull one of the boys from me so she could give them a cuddle. She then asked, again, if I was sure they couldn’t have a bottle, or if I could just pop back in whenever they were hungry.
I turned back to her and said ‘Unless you plan on breastfeeding him yourself you are not watching him.’
My wife found it hilarious, I took my baby back and we left.
Since then family has been calling me crude and stuck up, because she was just asking, saying I could have been kinder.
In my opinion, I said no multiple times and she kept pushing.
My wife thinks that I could have potentially left it, but agrees that she had it coming. Although my wife doesn’t like my family so take that with a grain of salt.
I do feel a little bad – she’s autistic and sometimes doesn’t understand things, but I feel like I was being obvious enough. I don’t know. I have apologized, but she left me on read.
My family has since stated they don’t want to see me until I make it up to her. Which I presume means letting her babysit, which isn’t happening. My children aren’t dolls.
But, I’m still being treated like a jerk.
Was what I did really that bad? A few friends said they’d be really upset, but I don’t think they really grasp how agitated I was.
So, AITJ?
ETA: Some people seem to think I’m the father.
I am not! We’re just lesbians. I carried all three kids.
ETA 2: She’s twenty-one, not a teen.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your family doesn’t want to see you until you make it up to her?
Well, that pretty much solves a bunch of problems, doesn’t it? No one will be popping over uninvited, and no one will be asked to babysit. You apologized, so leave it at that.
BTW, I’m guessing your family ‘freeze out’ will last no more than a few weeks and then they will be back to their old habits.
You and your wife should then send a group chat to everyone: ‘Hey everyone! We understand everyone wants to visit with the twins but our schedules are really packed so we are asking anyone who wants to visit to send us a text at least 48 hours in advance, let us know the day/time you want to visit, and we will check the family calendar to see if that works for us.
Thanks!'” voluntold9276
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You mention she’s autistic. That’s no excuse for her behavior, but is likely the reason for her behavior. She was excited about the babies and obsessing.
Everyone, including people with autism or ADHD, needs to learn and respect boundaries, but it’s been my personal experience that people learn and respect boundaries better when boundaries are expressed to them in a calm and clear manner, not sarcastic, angry, or flip.
Being humiliated for missing social cues doesn’t usually get positive results in these situations.
You said ‘no’ once and explained why. The second time she brought it up, you needed to simply say ‘no is a complete sentence.’ Don’t address the ideas that she comes up with, feed into her obsessive tendencies by explaining why they won’t work, just repeat ‘no is a complete sentence, respect my boundary please.’ I am giving her a small benefit of the doubt because of her autism.
Often times when someone gets snapped at in a humiliating way, maybe they were asking for it, but I think being firm and direct and shutting things down quickly is a sign of kindness in these situations.
If you do that and the other party continues to act up, then, yes, they are the jerk.” ErnestBatchelder
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… Being autistic means she might have issues picking up on subtle nuances and sarcasm, not flat out completely not understanding what you mean when you repeat the word ‘no’ over and over… And if she’s not so autistic as to demand to babysit repeatedly, then she’s not so autistic that she couldn’t possibly understand that no means no. She, and the rest of your family, are being absolutely overbearing, and if I were you, I’d go LC/NC until they developed some self-control and understand boundaries and personal privacy.
Your whole family sounds exhausting, and I’m sorry you have to deal with this nonsense.” leonathotsky420
15. AITJ For A Prank On Bestie Gone Wrong?
“I (47f) have been friends with my bestie (49f) for 15+ years. We are, so I thought, tight-knit. She stayed with me at the hospital while my then 4-year-old had open-heart surgery.
Our kids go to school together, we try to do stuff together as often as the current situation allows.
That said, I am a prankster. My pranks are always harmless (no plants, animals, or people are hurt in the process of a good prank).
I have pranked a Mutual bestie of ours with post-it notes appearing in her office (for an entire year!) The Mutual bestie has pranked me back on more than one occasion (the three of us even give gag gifts at holidays or birthdays)
So Bestie leaves town on vacation. I happened to be on the phone with Mutual before she left and we started talking about how we could prank Bestie’s house while she’s gone. We decided to put my 7-foot dragon at her back door and decorated it with Christmas lights and plugged it in.
We also had 20 cat decals (another inside joke) and put them on her house windows. I had an ugly cat doormat & we put it out. We thought it was hilarious. We all live in posh neighborhoods, which is why we hid the dragon at the back door, so no one would see it but it would still be funny.
Apparently, we were wrong. She’s annoyed about the windows because she just spent $400 getting them cleaned in October (we didn’t know, nor did we notice). She snapped at me via text when she got home.
She said nothing about the dragon or doormat.
Tonight, Mutual asked on our joint thread if there was anything she could do for me because my youngest (the heart patient) and I tested positive for you-know-what yesterday (all fully immunized, and we are the only 2 out of 6 people here at the house, my guess is, our exposure was a fluke).
We are isolated, but on vacation and out of state. She asked if we were sick. I told her the news and her response was ‘Sorry to hear that. Hope you recover quickly.’
Her husband has a new job with more responsibilities, this sickness is going on, and she’s homeschooling one kid while the other is failing a couple of high school classes. I KNOW we have these stressors in our lives, I have them too (see heart patient above!) But somehow, I feel like the two days of silence and the icy remark are a little bit overboard for something that requires some glass cleaner once the weather warms…
I will say that I have not yet told her that Mutual and I are willing to ‘clean up our mess’, but I’ve been sick with this for 2 days and she has me on the silent treatment, so I didn’t want to further upset her by bringing it up.
I will also tell you that I’m annoyed that she’s making a big deal out of glass that can be cleaned. Whereas I’m dealing with a potentially life-threatening disease for my kid that has had more than his share of medical struggles.
I feel like her priorities & perspective are/are out of order.
Do I owe her an apology? AITJ??”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. As a 35-year-old woman, I would be super annoyed if one of my best friends was constantly ‘pranking’ me.
It sounds like you both do it, but consider cutting back or re-evaluating what you think is harmless vs. what is clearly a nuisance. Even if your friend didn’t just spend $400 on cleaning recently, she would have had to clean up the mess you made right?
It just sounds super annoying and not at all fun for the friend. I can’t really think of any prank that wouldn’t inconvenience my life and routine so I’m glad my friends don’t do this kind of stuff to me.
That being said it also sounds like you didn’t realize the consequences beforehand and that you just meant it as something funny. Turns out you didn’t think that one totally through, but I think an apology and an offering to have her windows re-cleaned professionally should be sufficient.
If I was the friend, I would insist that you return my windows to the way they were before (professionally cleaned).” sheenvs
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, I’m afraid. Your bestie has lots going on and this has clearly annoyed her.
Can I just point something out here… in your post, you keep referring to you and Mutual having lots of fun pranking but you don’t mention Bestie being part of them. Have you maybe just assumed she finds pranks funny and misjudged the situation?” involuntary_cynic
Another User Comments:
“Everyone saying ‘grow up’ needs to chill. Keep being your beautiful self. Just be careful with certain pranks, and make sure it’s the right audience for the joke. NTJ. You weren’t trying to upset her, you apologized. She also has every right to be frustrated, and could very well just be poor timing.
If you’re as close as you say you are, your group will survive this. Hope you and your little one recover without issue!” Ok_Ranger_1796
14. AITJ For Getting An XXL Jumper For My Sister?
“So I (19f) have a 14-year-old sister called Jade.
Jade’s birthday was a few days ago and apparently, I’ve majorly messed up.
Jade asked me for a jumper from a certain online store and asked for it in size L because she wants it a little baggy (she’s usually a size M).
The issue is that I’ve bought from this store multiple times and their sizes are all out of whack. For example, you order a size L but the fit is that of an S.
Or an XXL is the fit of an L. It’s very annoying and I’ve made the mistake one too many times, so when Jade asked for an L, I ordered an XXL. I didn’t think anything of it, in my mind, I was getting her what she wanted in the fit she wanted. I do the same with myself if I buy from there.
Well, her birthday rolls around and she opens my gift. I preamble a little by saying that I had to get it in a bigger size because of the store’s sizing and she said fine.
At first, she’s super excited but then she sees the sizing. She gets really upset and doesn’t talk to me for the rest of the evening. My mom is furious with me. I made it very clear that it’s because of the store’s weird and messed-up sizing issues, but they weren’t having it.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You didn’t do anything wrong by ordering a ‘bigger’ size. You know the store so it makes sense why you did that. Your sister is 14 which is such a sensitive time for issues of self-esteem.
She likely took the XXL as a sign that she is bigger than she is and reacted as a teenage girl might.
The only thing I would have done differently is approached the subject ahead of time.
Instead of surprising her the moment she opened the gift, you should have talked to her when you ordered (since it seems the gift wasn’t a surprise anyway). You could have explained what you did in this post and avoided her being shocked by seeing an outfit 2 sizes bigger than what she wanted.
But it’s done now and if you haven’t already, I’d tell her about your experiences with the shop. Even though you didn’t do anything wrong, I’d apologize if it came off the wrong way or caught her off guard.” zemorah
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Jade needs to have the realities of the body-shaming fashion industry explained to her. She’s very much being deliberately manipulated in the hopes that she’ll assuage her feelings of poor self-esteem with retail therapy.
This is how the industry has worked for a long time now. (Procter & Gamble can’t sell you deodorant without first convincing you that you’re stinky, etc.)
A lesson in communication skills probably wouldn’t hurt either (although I doubt it’d land on a 14 yo), because WHOA has she got some misplaced priorities.
OP, what do you suppose would happen if you invited her to explain what you did wrong? Fireworks? Because that’s usually the result when someone is called on their immature irrationality. I mean, she’s 14 so this is not exactly out of character or unexpected, but it’s still the sort of thing that should be addressed with young people so that they don’t grow up believing that their feelings are a suitable justification for entitled behavior.” ManifestDestinysChld
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, but not really a jerk. She’s 14, that’s prime time for bullying and self-consciousness. I bet she already felt weird asking for a large and I bet she’s worried about what kids at school might say if they see XXL on the label.
Teen girls are brutal sometimes.
You gotta learn, sometimes the hard way, that women’s sizing is messed up and the size on the label means very little.
Offer to exchange it for the size she asked for and tell her that you’re only allowed to exchange it once.
Then when it doesn’t fit, you’ve proved your point, and you’re not the jerk anymore.” cait_Cat
Because of my broad shoulders, I can't wear a lot of t shirts marked as "women's shirts".
Also, I sometimes have to size up because what should be my size is actually a size smaller.
I understand why she would find it hurtful, but there's really no reason to be mad at OP because she didn't do it to be malicious.
OP needs to sit down with her and tell her just how out of whack that some brands are with sizing, and that for some the goal, as cruel as it is, is to make women and girls feel self conscious.
13. WIBTJ If I Make My Friend Repay Me For Losing My Jewelry?
“About four years ago, I went on a camping trip that was organized by my college.
At the start of the camp, we were asked to take off all of our pieces of jewelry and hand them to the senior students that were running the camp for safekeeping. I had been wearing a set of earrings and a matching necklace that had been gifted to me by my mother.
Now before you come at me for wearing expensive jewelry on a camping trip, I should make it clear that these were very plain stuff – just small hoops for the earrings and a cross pendant on a chain, and I had no idea how much they had cost.
Well, at the end of the camping trip, everyone was getting their stuff back, and the girl in charge of my group couldn’t find ours. Turns out she had kept everything in a plastic bag and someone else had thrown it away thinking it was trash.
She had lost her phone during the trip too and was devastated so we didn’t want to make things harder for her and told her it was okay. I had vaguely known that my stuff was probably worth more than the others, but another girl had a Pandora ring that was lost in the same bag and she didn’t kick up a fuss, so I kept quiet as well.
After the trip, I did text her to let her know that those jewelry were gifts from my mom and I was really sad, and she apologized and said she would treat me to a meal to make up for it.
But that never happened and we drifted apart soon after, and I have not even seen her since she graduated two years ago.
Meanwhile, I knew my mother would be heartbroken to know that I had lost her gift, so I bought a similar set of earrings and necklace to pretend that I hadn’t lost the original. They were not expensive, just sterling silver stuff around $150, and I hoped she wouldn’t notice the difference.
Well, last week my mother noticed the difference. She was devastated. Apparently, the stuff that got lost had been worth around $6000. I have no idea because they just looked like simple jewelry to me, and she had given them to me without the box so I wouldn’t have known.
But she was really mad that I’d lost them and is adamant that my senior had secretly stolen them and pawned them off or something. I know she probably really did lose them, but my mom is insisting that I get her to pay us back.
She still has the receipt to prove the original price, too.
Now, I really have no idea how to go about having this conversation with someone who I haven’t talked to in 2 years, and whom I had initially forgiven for losing my stuff.
She’s working now and has a good job so I don’t think finances are a problem for her, but $6k is still a large sum for a fresh graduate. Will I be the jerk if I ask her to pay me back, and how should I go about the conversation?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You cannot ask to be reimbursed so long after it happened. The unofficial statute of limitations has long since passed, and legally you have no way to prove she’s responsible for the loss of the jewelry.
This girl could and certainly would simply say no, or refuse to respond to your attempts to contact her.
Your mother is the jerk here too. She gave a student $6k worth of jewelry and didn’t tell you it was extremely valuable and shouldn’t be worn casually.
And she’s only noticed four years later that it’s been replaced. She shouldn’t be making such a big deal over a material possession that, apparently, she hasn’t even thought about in years. She certainly shouldn’t be making you feel bad about it.” WebbieVanderquack
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
I would definitely say you have waited too long by this point to revisit that situation, and you would be a jerk for expecting them to pay for the lost items now.
I would also place a lot of the blame on your mother here too, for not having let you know what you were in possession of. Most people will choose appropriate jewelry to suit the occasion, and would never plan on wearing $6000 worth of items to a school trip – and definitely wouldn’t have handed it over to someone else for safekeeping without a word.
Instead, the acceptably nice, but ultimately replaceable jewelry would probably have been the more appropriate choice. So by her making no mention of the value or significance you were unwittingly wearing it when you otherwise wouldn’t have been.
And there is also a significant amount of blame to be placed on the shoulders of the senior who lost everyone’s items. You all trusted them to take care of your personal possessions, and they never should have been placed in a position where there was even the slightest chance of them being lost. For them to do that was utterly careless.
What would be more appropriate would be a note going out before the trip (as part of the trip instructions/kit list, highlighting what you would be doing, what is and is not appropriate to be bringing with you, and making it clear the responsibility for any such items lies with the owner.
Then staying clear of the situation they created here.” nrsys
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It sucks but it’s been such a long time, and if you didn’t care at the time you shouldn’t care now.
Take it as a lesson to be more honest. If you’d told your mum at the time she could have told you the cost and you could have spoken about it to your friend then.
It’s been four years, you haven’t even spoken to her in two years. It would be super inappropriate to ask now.
If your mother wants to reach out about it then she can do that because she’s the one kicking up a fuss about it.” sunflower_daisy78
However, you are the jerk for keeping it from your mother for soo long. All of this could've been resolved when it happened. Instead you lied to your mother and now your mother is trying to force into a situation that may be old to you but is new to her.
12. AITJ For Not Wanting To Help My Mom With Her Assignment?
“I’m a uni student still living under my parents’ roof, and my mum has recently decided to study for a university degree, which is a decision we fully support.
However, it has been several decades since she dropped out of high school, and she struggles a bit with the formalities of academic writing, such as referencing and proper formatting. To help with this, we’ve come up with a ‘system’ where when my mum finishes writing her essays, I’ll spend a few hours grammar and spell-checking, helping her cite her sources, and format the text to align with whatever standard her lecturer has prescribed for her.
While I personally don’t enjoy spending hours on end editing essays, I begrudgingly do it because I love my mum.
However, I am also a full-time uni student of my own accord, studying in an industry that is notoriously challenging and with a heavy focus on hands-on learning, and on the side, I’m also working 4-5 days a week because my place of work is chronically understaffed. I am extremely busy right now – I work, I go to uni, pulling crazy hours in both, and sleep where I can in between.
I can’t even hang out with my friends because I just don’t have the time. My parents know this, and I’ve even put my schedules on the wall in the house to keep them in the loop about what I’m doing.
So tonight, when my mum asked me to edit her latest assignment for her tomorrow, I politely declined because I will be out doing uni stuff all day and then will be super tired when I get home (I haven’t been able to sleep much so these days all spare time is spent sleeping).
My dad overheard this conversation from another room and chimed in to call me selfish because ‘we do so much for you and you can’t even spare an hour to help your own mother.’ Firstly, editing an entire essay and referencing correctly takes several hours, not just one, and secondly, no, I genuinely can’t spare an hour right now.
I feel bad, and I said that I would try to find some time to help her… I can’t help but feel that my dad has a point – she is my mother after all.
Maybe I am being selfish? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I’m actually in a similar situation. Realistically though it shouldn’t take several hours. I help my mother because I desperately want her to succeed.
There are many digital tools to help people reference and help with spell checking. So I would suggest teaching her how to use them to reference and then take maybe 10 mins to glance over and do a surface-level spelling and grammar check.
Should be enough to pick out major mistakes. My mother took her time learning to reference for sure but once she got it there didn’t need to be any checking. She can use sites like cite this for me and it saves everyone time.
I just check it over at the end and do a quick read to point out mistakes I might see and that then only takes 20 or so minutes.
Not trying to suggest you’re doing it wrong or that you have to do this I just think it might save you some hassle if you teach her the most time-consuming part.
Which in fairness she should know by now.” Davefoo_2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – citing and referencing properly are key academic skills as are basic word processing skills. It’s nice that you have been helping your mother out as she gets started, but eventually, the training wheels have to come off.
Presumably, someone else could read the essay for spelling and grammar mistakes.
It’s also unreasonable to expect you to turn these things around quickly when you have your own busy life – she should give you a few days at the very least, or accept that sometimes she’s going to miss out.
That said, yes she’s your mother and you should continue to help out when you can.” LaoJim
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you should have been helping your mother LEARN the correct style and formatting rules, not doing her work for her.
If she hasn’t picked up on this after a couple of essays, then she might be relying on you too much. What was your dad doing? He could have helped your mom look up the rules and set things straight.
Why was he being so selfish?” xj2608
11. AITJ For Not Buying My Friends Birthday Presents?
“Basically during the first year of uni, I managed to make a lot of friends (around 30), therefore we had quite a few birthday parties.
During the first year altogether I spent around 100 pounds on birthday presents which is quite a bit of money for a uni student. I had my own birthday during the summer break so I wasn’t really expecting any presents or anything but what annoyed me was that from those 30 people 2 of them remembered to wish me a happy birthday.
Now that second year has started and we have had some birthday parties and every single time most people pitch in for a bigger present for a specific person. Usually, everyone says ok to pitching in but this year I started telling people no and I had a few arguments about it.
AITJ for not pitching in?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The first year of uni is about making as many new friends as possible. The second year of uni is about ditching the ones who turned out not to be proper mates, or at least putting them on the back burner.
Just buy presents for your closest friends.” Yikes44
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When you are asked, just explain ‘(Birthday Friend) and I don’t exchange birthday presents.’ That’s obviously what the friends decided to do with you, so you’re just making it mutual. If you want to avoid looking like gifts are purely transactional, buy them a drink or get them a tiny gift, like a birthday-morning donut.” Em_Tropy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There’s no excuse for forgetting your birthday, and you shouldn’t feel pressured to spend what you can’t afford. But you might need to ask yourself whether 100 pounds a year is worth losing 30 friends over.” WebbieVanderquack
10. AITJ For Not Helping My Partner With The Blinds?
“I (28F) currently moved into a new apartment with my partner (28M). We decided to throw away our old furniture from the previous house and buy new ones.
A few days after we moved, the blinds that we had ordered for our study arrived, and my partner took them into the study. I assumed that he was checking to see if the delivery was what we had ordered, and I went back into my room for work (I work from home).
A few minutes later, I heard my partner call my name. I went into the study and saw that he was putting up the blinds. He asked me to hand him a bag of nails on the floor, and I obliged. Then, I went back to my room as I was busy.
After I was done, I went back to the study to see if he needed any help. He was almost done, and after he finished, he started yelling at me about how I didn’t show any empathy when he was having a hard time with the blinds.
I was astonished, as I was 1) busy, and 2) had he asked me explicitly for help, I would have willingly obliged. Then, my partner proceeded to say that I was ‘cold’ and ‘did not understand the relationship a family should have.’
I told him that he was undermining the point of direct communication, and said that if he had just bothered to tell me that he needed a hand, I would have helped him. However, he then told me that the point of having a relationship (and being part of a family) was understanding each other even without words and that I should have helped him the instant I saw him installing the blinds.
Obviously, I did not understand his logic (I wasn’t even mad at this point, I was just surprised at the level of difference in our thinking), and I wanted to ask for help. Was I wrong to have not helped my partner?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I disagree with others who say someone has to ASK their partner to help with necessary chores/tasks around the house. Are you kidding me? Part of being in a healthy relationship and living together is that it’s your RESPONSIBILITY to contribute to the household without having to be ‘asked’ – especially if you know it would be faster to accomplish something together.
If you see something, say/DO something, don’t expect to always be ASKED for help.
You knew the blinds needed to be put up – it’s something that is for your household, not just him.
It would have taken 5 seconds to say, ‘Hey, here are the nails – I’m in the middle of something but if you have trouble putting them up yourself I can help after XYZ time!’
So his frustration that you just left is understandable – yes, you should/could have offered to help him (at a later time). Does he often ask you for help with things instead of you offering first to help?
That said, he was the jerk for saying you need to understand each other without words… And that you are ‘cold.’ This isn’t about the relationship itself but his comment demands a better explanation.
I just don’t think this is really about the blinds. He is upset about something else and not communicating it properly.” alohareddit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
This is what people think should happen then get upset when you never know what they want or need. Human beings ARE NOT MIND READERS.
That is why communication is key. Say what you want and be clear about it, don’t expect the next person or even close friends and family to ‘know what you want without words’ smh.” ElectricalAd5856
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He didn’t ask for help other than the nails. But I would say you need to sit down and have a talk about your communication. His expectations of you being able to read his mind just aren’t possible.
Before the conversation, I would recommend you sit down and really think about whatever communication issues you have. If you can’t think of any, start the convo with I know my communication isn’t perfect what can I work on.
It could be a hard conversation but if you can do it it will be good for your relationship in the long run.” QueenCityRebel
9. AITJ For Telling My Friend To Just Compliment His Wife Whenever She Asks How She Looks?
“So today my best friend came over to my house. He was in a bad mood because he argued with his wife earlier this morning.
She was going to go meet her friends today for lunch and asked him how she looked after she got dressed. He told her that she looked good but her lipstick shade did not complement her outfit.
She got mad at him and said that he was rude. She left the house in a huff.
I told him he should’ve just complimented her instead of doing a SWOT analysis of how she looked. I also told him that women don’t always want honest opinions.
When women ask for ‘honest opinions’ they mean compliments especially when it’s regarding their looks.
My wife came home just then and happened to hear what I said. She got mad at me when my friend left for home in the evening.
She said that I was being rude and that women aren’t always fishing for compliments.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. But that’s mostly because there isn’t a right answer here. Every relationship is different and the situation is different.
Sometimes being told that your lipstick clashes before going into a meeting is a godsend, other times your partner just wants you to tell them that they are the most ravishing creature on the planet so they can ride that confidence.
Guy read the room wrong on what his wife needed at the moment which is going to happen.” gdex86
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. His wife was also being a jerk but that wasn’t the question.
You decided that all women are going to react like that most of the time and that it’s better to just lie than to talk to them, which makes you the jerk. Actual good advice that would have made you NTJ would have been something like ‘sounds like she’s got something else going on that was upsetting her, you should ask her about it when she’s calmed down.’ Y definitely TJ.” Kamorth
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If I am fully dressed and ready to leave, just tell me I look amazing, never seen anyone as truly stunning as me (joking). You can point out things like something stuck in your teeth or toothpaste on your top but the rest is too much effort to change.
If I am picking what to wear and you think it is hideous, I absolutely welcome the feedback. If you think my lipstick is the wrong shade whilst I’m sitting with my makeup, again you can tell me and I will welcome the feedback.
It really does depend on when you say it.” Disastrous-Fuel-2757
Don't ask how you look unless you're prepared for a possible critique, and don't get mad if you get one (unless of course it's extremely insensitive, then go ahead and get mad).
Saying your lipstick doesn't match your outfit isn't insensitive.
8. AITJ For Calling The Police On My Homeless "Neighbor"?
“I (25m) live with my wife and son in a lower-middle-class neighborhood. It’s one of those neighborhoods where everyone has decent cars but the houses are small and close together. There are no garages, only small driveways.
A lot of people, including myself, park on the street (I let my wife park in our driveway as there is not enough room for both of our cars).
Lately, we noticed a new car about 2 houses down on the opposite side of the street, which is still within throwing distance.
Shortly after we noticed there is usually a person inside the car. The car is filled with stuff and after a few different times of each of us going to and from work, or taking our son to school, we realized there is always someone in that car.
I am a restaurant manager and have to get up very early (before daylight) to go prepare the store for breakfast. My wife waitresses part-time and is sometimes not home until 9,10, or 11 pm. At first, I didn’t think much of it, but after some time my wife expressed some concern about the situation.
It does make sense because this guy sees me leave for work every morning and knows when she is home alone with our 6-year-old. He also knows that when she leaves, she will likely be arriving home late at night.
Now, I will say that we have no other reason for concern, but it has been a couple of weeks at this point and he still hasn’t appeared to move or show any sign of leaving.
I was very conflicted about calling the authorities because he hadn’t done anything wrong really, and also it’s winter so it’s very cold. I have also heard that the homeless shelter in my town is overcapacity.
However, after a lot of deliberation, we decided we needed to make sure our family was safe. I called the police department yesterday and this morning he and his car were gone.
Am I the jerk?
Because I sure feel like one even though my wife insists it was the right thing to do.”
Another User Comments:
“This is the most classist entitled nonsense I’ve ever seen. Starting 2022 off strong, I see OP.
YTJ on a monumental scale.
This man was homeless and you took that to automatically mean he was dangerous?! How do you not see how dangerous and prejudiced that kind of thinking is? Just because someone is homeless doesn’t mean they are a bad person.
It didn’t occur to you to talk to him? Find out why he was there or what his circumstances were? Did you consider that maybe he chose that spot because he felt safer in a suburban area surrounded by neighbors than alone in a random parking lot?
He gave you absolutely no reason to believe your family was in danger. Most likely because they never were. In case it had escaped your notice, we are in the midst of a global health crisis that has caused economic carnage and left many good, decent people sleeping in their cars.
And now he knows that the people around him are looking down on him to the extent that they will call the police on him just for existing.
You are right up there with the white supremacists who call the police on someone walking through their neighborhood for being black.
The only difference is that this guy was poor instead of a different race.” PurpleyPineapple
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. People have to live somewhere.
Sure, you wish they didn’t have to do it on the streets of your neighborhood.
No one should be having to live on the streets at all. We, as the collective of humanity, have the means to house, feed, and clothe every single person on this planet. And the only reason we don’t do it, and people go hungry or homeless as a result, is because someone somewhere is demanding to be paid.
That’s the problem with capitalism, people fall through the cracks in its floor, and then get crushed. You calling the cops on this homeless guy was one more foot crushing him down between the slats of the floor of capitalism.
I’d have recommended maybe preparing the guy a bagged lunch, and a tall cup of coffee in a disposable cup, to give him as you approached him to tell him you’ve noticed him in the neighborhood.
Talk to him, don’t fear him. If he had wanted to, he could have done all kinds of things to your place when he could see that no one was home. But, he didn’t.
So, give him a chance to be a nice guy stuck in a bad place. Talk to him. Introduce yourself. Ask him his name. Then, once you’ve fed him and talked to him and showed him some humanity, you could have told him that he’s made your wife a bit apprehensive and that maybe he should move his car a little more frequently to avoid anyone making trouble for him.
Sometimes, showing a little kindness can get what you want better than using a heavy hand. You never can tell what tomorrow may bring. One day, it might be you on the other side of that equation.
And then you’ll wish that kindness was the go-to move over calling the cops.” theDagman
Another User Comments:
“Do you know that most Americans are a paycheck away from homelessness? That in the right circumstances you and your family could be homeless, you said yourself that you’re lower class.
You could get fired tomorrow from your job and not be able to pay the bills on your wife’s part-time job. Or your health could fail to the point that you could no longer work and before you think that’s what disability’s for.
It would most likely take you 2-3 years to win disability and a lot of the people waiting do end up homeless. I know that I would if it weren’t for my parents.
Try putting yourself in others’ shoes before judging them, you and your wife should be ashamed. You should have talked to him first before ever calling the police, he might have moved had you asked nicely.
I just hope they didn’t get arrested and have the car towed YTJ!” Smart-Story-2142
7. AITJ For Refusing To Pay Half Of The Vet Bill Of A Dog I Ran Over?
“On NYE, I was doing food deliveries for a restaurant I work at.
The way the parking lot is set up, it’s a one-way road with the parking lot on the left and there’s an apartment building to the right of the parking lot.
As I was pulling in I put my turn signal on and pulled into the driveway when I heard the yelp of an animal. I stopped and got out to check what it was.
I saw an older woman, probably in her 50s, and a limping dog. It didn’t register at first whether I had hit the dog or not because it was walking around and the woman was just standing there and didn’t say a word to me.
I thought the dog had just been barking at me at first until I asked the woman if I had hit the dog. She told me that I did and panic set into me.
It is important to note here that the dog was NOT on a leash and did not have so much as a collar on. The woman next to the building threw her trash out and had left the dog unsupervised on the sidewalk.
The woman went and got what I presume is her daughter, the real owner of the dog.
For the next 5 minutes, the daughter and her partner came down to see what was going on while I told them that they needed to go to the vet to check out the dog.
When they lifted the poor thing I could see a clear tear on the dog’s leg in which I stepped out of the entrance of their building because I started to cry looking at that.
I’m a huge animal lover and the fact that I caused that pain to an animal was a lot for me. They finally got the dog into the car and I gave the guy my phone number and said my first name.
I knew I wasn’t at fault due to the fact that the dog wasn’t on a leash. Which, I’m sure in many states, is a law required for pet owners when their dog is in a public area.
The guy then texts me asking for my info. Although I feel really bad about running over their dog, I know I’m not at fault due to the negligence of the owners and I know, had the dog been on a leash or supervised, this wouldn’t have happened. I told him due to NYS law I was not responsible and would not pay for any of the vet bills.
He proceeds to tell me that the bill was $1500 and I was to pay half of it. He said that he understands that it’s the law but told me to ‘have some heart’ and pay half.
I’m a dog and cat owner myself, so I am aware of these laws. He then sent me pictures of his dog’s back legs and said ‘This is what u did to my dog.
Please help us out financially. We can work something out. If not I will be taking legal action.’ It is also important to note that during this I received 5 calls from a different number in the same area and 2 from an unblocked number.
I ended up blocking these and had to put my phone on DND. So AITJ?
INFO: I drive an early 2000s pickup truck and the dog was no larger than the size of a Yorkie, I’m unsure of the specific breed. The dog survived thankfully and seems like the back legs were mostly affected.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
At first, I was gonna say you are the jerk, but the way they are acting to get you to pay is so inappropriate considering you’re not at fault.
Yes, you are the one who ran over the dog but they didn’t leash it and thus it’s their fault, not yours: so I completely disagree with their attitude.
They try to get you with threats, by the feelings, they act like you owe them something and these calls are clearly an attempt to intimidate you
Tbh I would be the one taking legal action if things keep getting worse: asking for half the bill is a decent offer in this situation, but the way they handled it is incredibly wrong.” Kalenne
Another User Comments:
“Well. NTJ. It sounds like you know you’re not at fault. When you bring your pet, unleashed, to any public area, you are invisibly signing a contract that says ‘I am responsible for any stupid stuff my pet does, or any harm caused by or to it.’ If you don’t like this contract, leave it at home.” RealAOstrihon
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. They were at fault for letting the dog out unleashed, but as a driver, you still have a responsibility to avoid accidents.
If you really are an animal lover and ‘feel really bad about running over their dog,’ then help heal both the dog and your conscience.
Give them, at least, a contribution, even if it’s not half.” WebbieVanderquack
6. AITJ For Being Picky About The Place I'll Be Living In?
“I’m a male (25) and I’ve been in a relationship for one year with my significant other (25). She’s living alone in a small flat (30m²) and I’m still at my parents’ place.
So here it is, I still live at my parents’ house and it was always toxic for me to be there. And I met my partner at a time I really wanted to leave this place and she partially gave me this opportunity to not be at my parents’ house a few days a week.
But she’s been always very possessive about her flat, which I get and respect. Because in a way I want my own place too before we can plan to move together because I think everybody needs to live alone to know him/herself.
But right now I don’t have the financial means to move. So more and more I try to convince her to live together until I find a place I can move to because I really do not want to go back to my parents’ house, even for a day.
And I will be able to move in a few months, I have a job right now but it’s been 1 month, and still don’t have the financial means to do it.
So am I the jerk by trying to convince her that I really need the security of a place I can be at any moment for a few months?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, she’s not ‘possessive’ about her flat. It’s her apartment to invite people/share. Your issues with your family and home are not her responsibility. You trying to convince her to let you move in just shows your entitlement.
You even said to yourself you think people need to live on their own. Don’t pressure your girl into accommodating you, find a solution for yourself. Find a roommate or two, or a location with a lower cost of living if possible.
There are other solutions than inviting yourself into your partner’s home.” puppypuppyyy
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I get that you are stuck in a no-good situation. However, you admit that neither of you is ready to move in together, and constantly asking her to do something neither of you wants is not a good way to communicate in any relationship.
It will just leave her feeling like you are not respecting her boundaries. Are there other family members you can live with? Friends who will let you couch surf? Maybe you can go home late at night and leave before anyone is awake?
You need to find a solution that works best for both of you.” CraftingCrazy
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I completely understand wanting to get out of your parents’ at any cost but forcing a living situation that neither you nor your partner is ready for isn’t the answer.
You will only put a strain on the relationship if you try to rush things just because you want to get out now.
I know it sucks but keep working at it and you will eventually be out on your own.
You may still move in with your partner one day, but it doesn’t need to be today.” chill_stoner_0604
5. AITJ For Exposing My Friend For Fat-Shaming A Girl Behind Her Back?
“A guy (L) I have been friends with for several years is known to be a manipulator, compulsive liar, and generally a trash talker. He has also said/done multiple racist things. He also likely started the untrue rumor that caused my depression to relapse.
L has been constantly ignoring everyone in my friend group around school recently, but then when it suits him, he’ll come to sit with everyone and act like it never happened. On Thursday last week, he decided that he wanted to come to sit with us (even though no one wanted him there).
He started to talk about people he disliked. This included K. K is known for getting in fights often. She is also a bigger girl. L first started talking about how K pet his dog while at dog school (their dogs happened to attend the same one), while the dog was being trained, which annoyed him.
He then continued by saying. ‘Also, K isn’t even that tough. I mean she could bump you with her belly – that would send anyone to space.’ I am a chubby person myself, and when I heard this I was absolutely disgusted he would even say such a thing.
Lunch ended and we had drama next lesson. I have drama with L and K, as well as a dude who I’ll call T.
I approached K before class, while L was in the bathroom nearby.
I explained what he said. She said she didn’t care what he said, and she would just ignore him. T however overheard; T is also chubby. This angered him and he asked where L was.
I pointed to the bathroom and he walked over and seemingly confronted him. From what I know. When L asked who said that and K pointed to me, he approached me. He said in an obviously annoyed tone ‘OP, I was talking about my dog, duh.’ I know this was a lie but I apologized, although it was easy to tell I was insincere.
I think he realized. I asked my friend who was sitting there and he said I was right. But I’m worried – what if I wasn’t? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – You should have said something to L yourself.
Sitting quietly while he shames others is not ok. Telling K the mean thing he said doesn’t help her in any way, just absolves you of your guilt.” FoodBabyBaby
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
He obviously wasn’t talking about his dog, you obviously weren’t buying it but you were making it clear you didn’t want to play his game. You handled it well.
Unfortunately, I’m the jerk because I’m about to tell you that this will be what a large chunk of your adult interactions are like, so get used to it.” Kamorth
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. L sucks for obvious reasons. But passing on what he said to K was horrible and pointless. You did it to punish L without thinking about how it would hurt K.
She may have said she didn’t care, but she’ll never forget this.” WebbieVanderquack
4. AITJ For Telling My Roommate To Control His Girl?
“I (23M) just recently moved in with my best friend (25M) from high school, Josh.
He has a partner (22F), Kelli, who is an absolute sweetheart. Kelli doesn’t live with us, but she’s over almost every day, from 5 pm to about 11:30 pm, and then she heads home. Josh is completely infatuated with her.
They met in college through a study group and they’ve been together ever since. Kelli is extremely shy, like when I say extremely I mean she barely says a peep to me when I’m around, but she’s always doing things around the house like cleaning up after we get done eating, and even baking cookies and making us dinner.
We’ve told her many times she doesn’t have to do this, but she insists since she enjoys cooking and it’s easier to do it at our place because she lives with her whole family.
I think Kelli has OCD and she needs to clean everything a total of five times. She cleans dishes, the sink, and even mops the floors five times in a row. I walk in from work, and the whole house smells as if Dawn dish soap and Fabuloso had a demon baby.
I told Kelli she needs to stop cleaning, and that we’re not even that dirty. Kelli opened up to me about how she gets anxiety when she feels as if something is dirty, and doesn’t know how to control the urge not to clean something, and whenever she tries to stop herself she said she feels as if, and I quote ‘My soul is going to jump out of my body.’ I told her that it was simple, she could just leave if she feels the house is dirty.
Kelli didn’t say anything to me, and instead just headed into Josh’s bedroom, and I didn’t see her for the rest of the night and she didn’t even come out to make dinner like she usually does.
Josh confronted me today (the incident with Kelli happened yesterday) and told me that I need to apologize to her, after everything she’s done around the house. I told him that it’s not like I ask her to clean the house or even cook dinner, she does it out of free will, but the cleaning is out of control.
I told him he needs to control Kelli, and stop her from cleaning so much. I told him how every day I come home to her mopping, vacuuming, and even taking the cushions off of the couch to clean them and I also mentioned how she does it multiple times instead of once, which doesn’t make any sense to me.
Josh told me that Kelli is getting therapy and to leave her alone and let her clean the house because she gets panic attacks whenever she doesn’t. I told Josh how that’s not an excuse and he needs to control his crazy girl.
Josh then told me if I can’t respect his girl that I should move out. AITJ?
For clarification:
- Kelli lives with her sister who recently had twins. She’s talked about it before and how her sister’s house is extremely cluttered and it amps up her anxiety and she comes over because she knows she can clean.
- Kelli buys her own stuff. She knows how much she cleans and that it would be a waste of our stuff so she buys her own things.
- I moved into Josh’s own house. Kelli is moving in after the new year.
- Kelli DOES NOT go into my room or even touch any of my stuff. I have a few pictures of me and my fam around the house and she asks me before she touches them, which I appreciate, but for the most part, she leaves them alone.
Update to the story: Josh, Kelli, and I all met up this morning and talked about how she can fix this obsession with cleaning. She said she just started talking about how she’s had anxiety being at her sister’s because of the babies crying, and her sister fighting with her husband about who’s taking care of the babies.
We all agreed that Kelli should try and limit her cleaning around the house, and I and Josh will even help her. I apologized for calling her crazy and explained how I was just annoyed at how much she was cleaning.
She apologized for cleaning so much and we all made up.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
First off, because you told him to control his woman. This isn’t the 1800s dude.
It doesn’t sound like her behavior is in any way an inconvenience to you, in fact, with fresh cookies and clean dishes, you seem to be reaping some pretty good benefits.
So why does it matter if she does it in a way that doesn’t make sense to you?
You confronted her, she explained it’s a psychological issue and you basically told her that she wasn’t welcome as a result.
That’s like telling someone with Tourette’s to get out unless they stop having outbursts. She’s in treatment, she’s getting help but treating her the way you did won’t help. It probably actually tucked her up worse.” purple-paper-punch
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, except, perhaps, for your choice of wording. Kelli is not your roommate. Josh is. Kelli has no business cleaning your apartment, let alone obsessively cleaning your apartment, nor should she be cooking there on a regular basis.
She is intervening with your enjoyment of your own home. It is not your responsibility to accommodate her compulsions and it is not reasonable for Josh to expect you to regard those compulsions as helpful or something to ignore.
It is appropriate for you to express your displeasure to Josh not because Kelli is his woman to ‘control’ but because she is his guest, not yours. You did that and his response was to tell you to move.
Is the apartment in his name? If so, give written notice and move. Is the apartment in your name? If so, give Josh written notice to move. Is the apartment in both of your names?
Tell Josh that you’re going to ask your landlord to remove your name from the lease and substitute Kelli’s name because she’s essentially living there anyway. If this is not agreeable to Josh, tell him that the other option is to do whatever it takes to stop Kelli from cooking or cleaning – entirely – and limit her visits to a reasonable couple of times a week.
Otherwise, you and Josh are going to have to part company.” Forteanforever
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. It seems there are a lot of people who think OP is a bit of a jerk, but if you’ve never lived with someone with OCD, you have no idea.
This girl is unlikely to just be helpfully cooking dinner. I’d guess there’d be a bit of coercion to eat it, all of it, when she’s got it ready. Not hungry? Too bad. So much effort to cook it, anxious, upset, just be nice, blah blah.
(yep, been there, done that).
Does she clean the house for you? No, she doesn’t. She cleans the house over and over and over, interfering with everyone’s normal life. Forget about relaxing after work.
You have to move off the couch so it can be cleaned, move for the vacuum, and don’t make a mess. (been there, done that, bought the t-shirt).
So yes, maybe speaking about and to the girl as he did was a bit on the nasty side, but try living like that.
It’s not on anyone else to manage the girl’s anxiety or OCD, and absolutely not to cater to it.” Major_Temporary_2694
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, a big one. She has gone out of her way to cook for you, clean for you, and never asked you for anything!
Then she opens up to you because she thought she could trust you and THAT’S how you treat her??? What you said, how you behaved, was so beyond disrespectful. It was something an immature child would have said, not an actual, mature adult.
Shame on you. It doesn’t matter whether or not you asked her to do any of those things, she still did them for you. You also enjoyed the fruits of her labor. Then you had the audacity to disrespect her and her actual mental health issues when she confided in you.
So, not only did you do all of that, but you then doubled down even further on your appalling behavior when rightly confronted by your roommate who told you that you owe his girl an apology.
Because you do owe her an apology, a big one. If I were her I might even be petty enough to hand you invoices for all of the cooking and cleaning she did. You certainly ate the food she made.
You let her do the cleaning up, did you not? You didn’t go into the kitchen and stop her from doing the dishes and did them yourself, right? You let her do all of it, reaped the benefits, insulted her, hurt her feelings deeply as well as humiliated her.
So yeah, I’d be giving you invoices for my cleaning services, the chef services, and of course any supplies as well. You should have been nothing but gracious, thankful, kind, and empathetic to her.
Because nothing about her ‘OCD cleaning habits’ has anything to do with your actual hygiene. It’s an actual mental health issue. I know, because I have it, myself. That you would be annoyed and call her crazy, says more about you than it does about her.
She doesn’t owe you an apology at all and shouldn’t have apologized to you for anything. That was all on you.” Snow-13
3. AITJ For Pressuring My Son To Live With Me?
“I share custody of my twelve-year-old son with my ex-husband (his dad). Our deal is that my son lives with me Monday-Thursday and with my ex Friday-Sunday.
We live 10 minutes apart so it’s not a big issue if the days aren’t the same every week, but my ex has been having my son live with him way more than we agreed to, and he doesn’t even tell me when he’s staying over an extra day, or two, or three.
A couple of weeks ago on a Tuesday, I dropped my son off for school, and he never came home.
Apparently, my son had texted my ex-husband if he could go to his home, without telling me.
I didn’t see my son until the following Monday. I don’t know what my ex-husband is telling my son, but he doesn’t seem to want to be around me at all anymore. Last week I asked my son if he’d stay at my house over the weekend since I was feeling lonely, and after a bit of arguing he obliged. When Friday came, my ex-husband stormed over to my house and demanded that my son go home with him.
I told him that my son agreed to stay with me, but then my son suddenly said I was ‘pressuring’ him to live with me and that he wanted to live with my ex-husband every day of the week.
I had no idea where this came from because he had seemed pretty much fine about staying with me.
My ex then took my son back to his home and texted me, basically saying that my son would always agree with him rather than me ‘just like everyone in the world.’ I told him he was wrong and that even though I’ve made past mistakes, I’ve learned from them and have been doing better than I ever was.
I guess he doesn’t understand that, and as I said before, I don’t know what he’s been telling my son about me. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, your kid is not your therapy pet.
He’s a human being, he was absolutely not fine about staying, you pressured him – I wouldn’t be surprised if you end up losing custody unless you start treating him like a human being who can make up his own mind and less like a doll or a table or a piece of property.” Glass-Geologist-1279
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for this:
‘I had no idea where this came from because he had seemed pretty much fine about staying with me.’
I think you know that’s not true. You asked him to stay because you were lonely and said ‘after a bit of arguing he obliged.’ In other words, you pressured him until he gave in.
It is emotional blackmail to ask your son to stay with you because you’re lonely. Your son is old enough to know where he wants to be, and while that doesn’t mean custody arrangements are solely his decision, it is something you should take into account.” WebbieVanderquack
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When a child approaches puberty they will become closer to the parent of the same gender. This is completely normal and a natural part of growing up. Yes, it’s a little sad.
Watching our kids grow up and away is always bittersweet.
Accept it.” PaulMurrayCbr
2. AITJ For Getting Mad At My Partner Over A Flat Tire At The Airport?
“I just came home for a month away at work. My partner moved a college course lecture a day so she could pick me up/drive my mom an hour away and pick up my daughter 2 hours away.
The front right tire was completely flat. I couldn’t look at her I was so mad. My mum needed my stepdad to drive 3 hours to pick her up. I messaged and called my ex and she agreed to drive our kid up for me.
My partner was upset I’d talk to other people and not her.
All I wanted was for her to say sorry instead of making excuses. She just couldn’t do it. She got wasted and cried all night even when I tried to make it better.
In the AM, the mechanic called and said there was a nail. She didn’t drive on it at all. I thought she was driving around on a flat tire from a slow leak.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. First of all, it’s YOUR car so YOU should have a spare, roadside assistance, or some way to handle the situation. Second, this woman adjusted her whole day to be your errand girl.
Instead of appreciating that and realizing that bad things happen, you blame her. You cut her off and talk to others while she was sitting there feeling like trash because you blamed her. You likely talked trash to both your mom and your ex about her ‘failures’ and why she was there.
Then you find out you were wrong and give a perfunctory ‘sorry’ and wonder why she isn’t falling at your feet.” ottobotting
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
First, go grovel at her feet for being an abusive jerk.
Yes – what you did is abusive verbally, mentally, and emotionally. Next, recognize that she deserves better because she absolutely does. Third – apologize to your ex and daughter, who, I’m sure, is no stranger to your outbursts.
Finally, and this is critical, seek therapy for why you would blame someone that you supposedly love for an accident. Whether that be because air slowly leaked out of the tire, or a nail pierced the tire – either way, she did nothing on purpose to hurt you, and you reacted by berating her and intentionally hurting her.
Recognize that this behavior is not only unacceptable, it is hurtful to those around you in deep, meaningful ways that impact them more than they let on to you for fear of upsetting you.
Recognize that growing up around this will forever change your daughter as a person (as I very much doubt that your poor girl is the only one to feel your wrath), and evaluate your actions with a trained therapist. I implore you, please, if not for yourself, then for those that love you – speak to a therapist.” pennylane268
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, this woman rearranged her entire day to drive you and your family all over creation, and you had the audacity to treat her like absolute trash over an accident. Even a slower leak might not have been noticeable all week, so you have no excuse because your behavior towards her would be just as disgusting as it is now that we know your assumption was wrong.
Also, you don’t get to emotionally and verbally hurt someone and then be mad when they are still upset over it, even if you already gave a proper, genuine apology. She has every right to ‘just keep being upset’ at how you treated her because it was unacceptable and inexcusable.
This kind of behavior doesn’t usually come out of nowhere so I doubt this is the first time you’ve done this, but I certainly hope she dumps your butt before you have the chance to do it again.” Nyx1227
1. AITJ For Encouraging My Son To Rethink His Decision Of Marrying His Fiancé?
“I am a mom (51) of 4 and my oldest (32) has been with his fiancé (28 female) for 4 years now. From the very beginning, I liked her, and she has always been lovely to me and the rest of the family, but I will say she seemed mysterious.
For one she never mentioned family, ever, and when we would ask about her parents or siblings she would say something vague and change the subject. My husband (60) and I didn’t think much of this at first because we thought she was shy, but throughout the years it didn’t change even as she got closer to us.
I also found it strange that it took my son so long to propose since I knew just how clearly smitten he was with her. They were both in good financial places in their lives, and careers, and of course with the health crisis going on it was understandable but we still wondered.
3 months ago he proposed a little after her birthday and now they are planning to get married, but recently my daughter (29) has told me some things that my husband and I have found concerning.
My son’s fiancé had mentioned to his sister that they have serious mental health problems that run in their family, specifically schizophrenia. For years my son’s fiancé was worried she might even have it because she was still young and her other sibling and parent were diagnosed with it.
That’s why my son waited so long to propose because she made him. She wanted to feel more sure she didn’t have it, but she also told my daughter that there is a possibility she could still be diagnosed later on and that she will never be completely ‘in the clear.’
This concerned me for many reasons, but mostly because I know my son, and I know how much he wants children. How would this affect them having children? Could it pass along to them?
I called my son and talked to him about it, and of course, he was upset with his sister for telling me, but at this point, this was a family matter. We discussed what was said, and my son said that he and his fiancé would not be having children.
I asked if this was what he wanted, and he said that while yes he did want children, he would still pick a life with her rather than finding someone else and starting a family.
While I understood my son’s feelings, I couldn’t help but worry about him regretting this decision later. It is a huge decision and not something to give up on easily. Plus, I think it’s important couples share the same ideals (both want children, both don’t want children.)
I discussed the matter with my husband and the rest of his siblings and we all agreed my son would most likely come to regret this in the future, and while we all love his fiancé, schizophrenia is a serious mental illness and it could ruin both her and my son’s lives and careers if she is diagnosed. My son has told me to ‘stop meddling’ but how can I?
I am his mother and I love him more than this world. I don’t want him to make a mistake.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Have to say, from the beginning of this post it sounded like you have issues with boundaries.
Your son’s fiancé isn’t obliged to tell you anything about herself nor for that matter is your son and I can understand why they kept this a secret from how you reacted.
Mental illness can be treated and helped. People with mental illness deserve happiness and fulfillment just like anyone else.
Your son has decided that this isn’t a deal-breaker. They can still have a family (adoption etc) so you need to back off if you’re not going to be supportive. You have no right to contradict your son’s plans for happiness.” olivia_mackenzie
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Do you know why your son’s fiancée was so cagey about telling you about her family for such a long time? Because she clocked your attitude about mental illness early.
Personally, I have clocked that your real concern here is not about your son giving up on his hopes to have children but about adding a ‘crazy person’ to the family.
Your son is clearly going into this with his eyes open and his fiancée has almost certainly told him what he might be in for.
He probably isn’t ‘in for’ anything except not having biological children and limiting his contact with your condescending self: schizophrenia tends to show up by early twenties or not at all, and I know because my family has a history of schizoaffective disorder and I have been in fiancée’s shoes.
So great work torpedoing your relationship with your son and future daughter-in-law over nothing, I guess.” HanaBothWays
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s clear to me that you just want the best for him, and you don’t want him rushing into a situation that he could end up regretting later.
However, there’s always going to be sacrifices in relationships – if he’s been seeing this girl for multiple years now, it’s unlikely he’s going to split with her over the fact that they can’t have kids.
Besides, it’s out of her control.
I think you’re viewing this situation as too black and white. There’s always the possibility that she is cleared for schizophrenia later on. They could always adopt.
They have a lot of options and just because the safest one is off the table for now, doesn’t mean that your son won’t be fulfilled later on.
You’re NTJ for expressing concern, but recognize that this situation is not as bad as you’re making it out to be.” themilkmannn69
