People Disclose Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories In Hoping We'll Help Them
19. AITJ For Spoiling My Grandchildren?
“I lost my youngest daughter Joy a decade ago. She left behind her husband and two children who are now 15 and 16 years old. My daughter was very close to her dad and me and when she was at her sickest, she begged us to stay in the kids’ lives and make sure they always knew she loved them and that we were her family just as much.
She mentioned how worried she was that her husband would encourage them to forget her and would try to replace her for them with a new woman. She asked that we leave anything we might have left her to her children.
We assured her we would never let the relationship end and that we would make sure they had a good life and would remember her always.
Eight months after she died her husband moved his now-wife into their home. She had a baby with someone else and was also expecting a baby with someone.
At that point, he did attempt to make it a package deal where we could not see our grandchildren without treating his now stepchildren as our grandchildren and that we were to treat all future children of his the same.
Otherwise, we would need to be cut out to give our grandchildren the chance to form new family bonds without interference from us. That they deserved the chance to have another mother and only see the new children as true siblings.
Their lawyer told them we would have a case to get grandparents visitation. We also sought advice on if we were denied access and if we could obtain that. We were told that given our close relationship with the children it would be easy to get access through the courts.
This led to us getting minimal access but it was all that was needed because our grandchildren were glad to see us and their aunts, uncles, and cousins.
In the last few years, my former son-in-law has found himself estranged from his own family and his wife’s family is also no longer in the picture and he has 6 children (not counting my grandchildren) in his home with no family or support outside of him and his wife.
Now that my grandchildren are teenagers they seek to spend more time with us and their lives have benefitted from it. We admittedly spoil them more than some would like because of the circumstances but they are wonderful children. Their father confronted me recently about his other children and how they have no extended family and are suffering from seeing their siblings being spoiled. He also said we had already come between our grandchildren and their siblings because they are not close and have never asked for their siblings to be part of the extended family they have.
He told me I owe it to his children to step in and give them love and some of the same spoiling. I told him I did not owe his children anything, and that I would never forgive him for what he attempted to do before.
He told me I was cold-hearted and callous.
Part of me wonders if he’s right because the children are innocent. And even though I have never considered them family, they are still young and have nothing to do with my former SIL’s actions.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
With your daughter being so concerned that he would attempt to ‘replace’ her in her children’s eyes, and push for them to forget her, then I can only imagine what could’ve happened to make her feel like that.
No, it isn’t the new children’s fault, but you also aren’t actively trying to hurt them. You’re taking care of your grandchildren. They aren’t your grandchildren. I have zero ideas as to why this couple is estranged from both sides of their own families, but there is probably a lot more to that.
I’m getting vibes of entitlement from this dude, and he, nor his second wife and subsequent children aren’t your responsibility.
Also, he sounds like a peach.” Dizzi_by_design
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you don’t owe his other children anything except the respect of acknowledgment that they are your grandkid’s siblings.
You are allowed to spoil your grandkids, as far as the other children not having contact with their family that is on the parents, not you. It is not your responsibility to “look out” for children that are not related to you at all.
He decided to move on, have more children with another woman, and distance them from their family.
The concerning thing for me is that your daughter kind of already knew this was going to happen. I wonder if she didn’t already have an idea that he was seeing this woman on the down low.
I am so sorry that you are having to go through this but your grandkids are old enough now that I am sure they are aware of what is really going on. There is a reason they feel a disconnect from their siblings, and if you have limited visitation, then it is probably stemming from something happening at home.” NCHAIRSTYLIST77
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
All the children are innocent, and that doesn’t make it your problem.
He and his wife decided to bring this many children into the mix, and it is their responsibility to care for them. It doesn’t sound like they are in danger or not getting the basics, they just aren’t getting all that your grandchildren are getting.
That is life.
And I am not being callous, because of course if you were blending the families and coming together I would tell you to include the other kids in holidays and all that (aka, treat them the same when they are all together), but your ex son in law is the reason none of that happened or will happen.
He tried to sever the relationship between you and your grandchildren, thus creating an adversarial relationship that remains very icy. That is fully on him, and the consequence of that is that you have zero relationship with the other kids- fine- and you certainly don’t feel inclined to help him.
I have a feeling your grandchildren will be living with you soon, and while it hasn’t been easy, nor pretty, you are doing exactly as your daughter wished.” mfruitfly
18. AITJ For Refusing To Be A Parent To My Sister?
“I (was 18F) am the eldest of 2 siblings (14M and 10F). I have parents that need to be away sometimes for work reasons. These trips usually last only 3-4 days. My mom skips the trips whenever she can, but a lot of them are important, and skipping them might risk her job.
We do have our grandma and aunt to take care of the kids when they’re away — they cook and do the housework, and I’m helping the kids do homework, play with them, and occasionally cook too.
My sister is very close to my parents, which is sweet but it becomes an issue sometimes — she doesn’t want to go to school without them, doesn’t want to do her homework without them, and missed some exams to the point that my mother needs to talk to the teacher to give her exceptions.
My parents allow her to have her way: letting her skip school because she complained ‘she’s 10 minutes late’ ‘left her shoes at home’ and many more; asking me to do her homework and exams for her; enabling her at yell to others and boss my grandma around to the point that I need to stop her from barging in as grandma is showering.
I need to be the one to convince her to go to school and occasionally scold her when she becomes too bossy with my aunt and grandma.
Our parents never scold her because they feel bad for not being as present as other kids’ parents.
I love my sister, I really do, she is sweet and kind and her feelings about how our parents should be more present is totally valid, but I hate her spoiled side.
One night, my sister refused to sleep unless I act like my mother, wear her clothes, then sleep next to her in it.
She had school the next day and might be late if she stays up too late (which ultimately means she might refuse to go to school). My heart broke hearing that, but I didn’t want to do it. I refused, my sister refused to sleep, and my mom stressed out on the phone and told me to put the clothes on and get it over with.
I kept refusing but my mom and sister didn’t budge. We argued to the point that I realized my grandma can’t peacefully sleep until she sees my sister tucked in. It was midnight, and she softly told me to do it so everyone can rest so I did it.
I put on my mom’s clothes and slept next to her, silently crying all night.
I don’t know why I hate it so much. I don’t know why I’m angry. I feel like a jerk for refusing a kid who missed her mother, but I also feel the right to refuse.
I can’t blame anyone.
What do you think?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Honey, it sounds like you and your siblings were neglected. One or both of your parents regularly being away for multiple days in a row is not normal or healthy.
If I had to guess, your sister was so attached to your parents because of these trips. Feeling abandoned or alone without a caregiver can make you bond to them in really maladaptive ways and cling to them when they return home.
Unfortunately, it sounds like your parents only enabled this behavior. You shouldn’t feel bad for telling your sister no.” bordennium
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Forced parentalizatipn of children is not a healthy behavior. The parents need to properly parent not officially delegate part of their duties away.
Volunteering to help is one thing but being forced to be a quasi-parent by virtue of you just being a sibling is selfish, incompetent parenting. The only time this general principle is qualified is if you have been given special privileges over your siblings with the expectation you will look out for them which is a traditional cultural thing some people do (e.g. parents spent more time, affection, and money developing you as the family head, tradition will be obeyed that your share of the inheritance will be greater than any other sibling, parents demand other siblings respect your delegated authority).” Nepadoodle
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I know it sucks, but you are a kid. As someone whose dad traveled a lot when I was younger, and who had a mother who was tied up working with a special needs younger sibling, I understand where both of you are coming from.
However, even though your sister is missing her parents, it sounds like she is approaching codependence on your mother, which is not healthy. (not a therapist, but I’ve seen this before) At 10, she should be fine with sleeping alone and going to school by herself.
If she is still relying on your mom for security for that, she needs to be in therapy to discover why, NOW. Otherwise, it just starts to sound like she is manipulating you, your grandmother, and your parents.
Can’t stress this enough, her behavior is not healthy or normal.” DreamsOfVoidz
Yiur parents are.neglecting their 3 children and have not provided suitable.care in their abscence. For an 18 year old this is obscene. Your parents are not actually parenting you. This is an awful situation and you should not be in it. NTJ. And go to a friend's house the next time your parent tell you to dress up and get into someone elses bed. Does this bother anyone else?
17. AITJ For The Way I Handled My Brother's Partner Trying To Force Me To Babysit?
“I am 30F, I have a brother, Matt (35), who has been with his partner Lexi (33) for 2 years. Lexi has a daughter, Bella (5). I have a daughter who is 3 years old.
We all live in the same city, but Matt and Lexi live in suburbs, and I live in the city center, so about 45 minutes away.
While I see Matt on average every 3 weeks, I only see Lexi and Bella every 2/3 months at my parents’ house or for occasions/gatherings.
2 days ago I got a text from Lexi asking me to babysit Bella on Wednesday because she would not be at school due to teachers being on strike.
She said she forgot about the strike and had not taken the day off work, and had also made social plans for after her shift ended. I said no to babysitting and thought that was that.
Yesterday, around lunchtime, I was having a skin treatment when one of my cleaners came to tell me that Lexi had dropped off Bella.
The cleaner answered the door and Lexi said she had arranged to leave Bella with us, and the cleaner was unaware this wasn’t the plan and let her in, Lexi then left. I was livid. I immediately called Lexi, and after 4 declined calls and voicemails I sent her a text saying if she didn’t return for her daughter within 15 minutes I was going to call the police to say she had abandoned her child.
I find my husband to tell him what is going on, and he calls Matt and tells him to sort this out.
A few minutes after speaking to Matt, Lexi reappears. She marched straight into the den where Bella is watching TV, saying how evil we were for telling Matt and threatening to call the police.
I tried to get her to come and speak in the study so Bella couldn’t hear but she just kept going on. I reminded her that she intentionally abandoned her child, but she kept going on about how she was desperate and needed to go to this social arrangement and how she never had time to do anything.
I reiterated that be that as it may, she can’t just leave Bella with us when we didn’t agree to it. Lexi kept bringing up excuses until my husband lost it and told her in no uncertain terms to leave.
By this point, Bella was in hysterics and Lexi seemed totally frazzled.
This has since turned into a big thing. Lexi has been posting cryptic things on social media about how hard it is to be a mother when ‘people you expect to be there for you’ won’t help you.
I’ve received texts from her saying Bella is devastated to find out that we don’t like her (I’ve now blocked Lexi). My parents have heard about it and while my mother is firmly on my side, my dad said was it really worth upsetting Bella when she was already there.
Matt says that while Lexi was in the wrong, once she had left we probably should have just kept Bella and argued about it later. Matt also thinks my husband owes Lexi an apology for intimidating her, which I don’t think he does.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You refused already and if this social arrangement was so important then she should have hired a babysitter earlier rather than leaving her child at someone’s place who clearly stated they aren’t okay with babysitting. She had two days to find someone yet she chose not to so it is a deliberate choice.
Moreover, you did ask her to talk in private so that the kid won’t hear the argument but since she is the one who didn’t listen, I don’t see how it is your fault at all.” allergic-to_kiwi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You need to make sure your dad is aware that you tried to take the conversation away from Bella and that Lexi was the one who insisted on having it in front of her. You need to tell your brother that your husband only stepped in because Lexi wouldn’t stop trying to intimidate you and your husband won’t be apologizing to anyone for trying to protect his family and also he needs to tell Lexi that her wants do not exceed Bella’s needs.
If Lexi had listened to your no in the first place none of this would be an issue.” wlfwrtr
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have the right to say no to babysitting. You had the right to demand Lexi pick up her child after dropping her off without approval. She didn’t have the right to lie to your cleaner.
She definitely did not have the right to not take your calls after she dropped her off. She could have been endangering Bella if Bella got sick or injured. You were well within your right to threaten to call the cops about an abandoned child because that is exactly what she was by that point.
Lexi did not have the right to get mad that you said no and then refused to keep the child she dropped off without permission. Her social life is not your concern. That concern is for her and her husband to deal with.
Lexi was the one that would not step away from Bella during the confrontation causing Bella to be very upset. Your dad felt you should have just taken care of Bella once she was there but she was dropped at your house, not his, so he really had no say in the matter.
Regardless of what Matt said about keeping Bella there once, Lexi dropped her off, you should not have kept her as that would have been the same as accepting that Lexi can do whatever she wants with no consequences. And no one owes Lexi an apology since she could have stayed home with Bella in the first place and not a) not dumped Bella on you or b) just picked Bella up and taken her home, rather than choose to fight with you and your husband when she was wrong for trying to force you into caring for her.
The only one that owes anyone an apology is Lexi and she needs to apologize to several people – YOU, for many reasons, among them, not accepting your refusal to babysit Bella, dropping her off anyway after being told no, and arguing about it when she came to pick her up, demanding that her social needs are more important than your right to refuse her, YOUR HUSBAND for choosing to argue with him, BELLA for dropping her off where she wasn’t supposed to be and scaring her by throwing her temper tantrum about not getting her way and YOUR PARENTS for involving them” TimelySecretary1191
16. AITJ For Causing Someone To Get Uninvited From An Event?
“So I (31f) and ‘Lisa’ (31F) were never really friends but we were friendly and part of the same social circle.
She went to school with one of my very best friends; ‘Faye’.
I’m not famous or anything but my ex is in some circles and 3 years ago, when we were still together, she sold a bunch of stories about him.
I became suspicious when a quote from ‘a source’ in an article was almost word for word what another friend had said in our group chat. I got Faye to lie to Lisa and basically say that someone at the paper had confirmed it was her and she eventually admitted it.
To Faye, she’s never actually spoken to me since.
After that, I made it clear I wouldn’t be attending any parties or anything that she was at which was relatively easy since everyone was kinda annoyed at her at the time and she basically just went away on her own.
In the years since however, Faye and she have mended their friendship and she’s recently begun seeing someone within the wider friend group.
So our friend ‘Sam’s 40th is coming up and he’s rented a massive house on a lake for a long weekend.
Lisa isn’t close to Sam but her SO is. He purposefully didn’t include Lisa in the invite but the guy eventually asked which apparently led to a very awkward conversation. Sam asked me what I thought and I said that I respected his position and that if he wanted her there I’d step back.
No hard feelings. He said that he didn’t want that, that he’d have her there for his friend’s sake so ideally, we’d all be there together. I said no. Had it been a one-off dinner or something I may have but I’m not willing to be stuck with this woman for 4 days.
There’s some conjecture as to where the miscommunication lies but it transpired that before Sam had even spoken to me that the guy had told Lisa that she could come, leading Sam to force the guy to rescind the invitation.
Now the guy is upset and threatening to pull out. He even called me to ‘straighten it all out’ but what actually happened was he ambushed me ‘that I need to grow up and not hold on to petty grudges’.
The conversation descended quickly with him calling me a bitter child, a manipulative jerk, and destined to die alone. I honestly don’t know how it got to that stage, I must’ve said no more than 10 words the entire call.
I’ve spoken to some of my friends and whilst they’re all disgusted with the things he said some did say that perhaps it was time to bury the hatchet with Lisa.
Apparently, Lisa has said that I should be over it by now and that I’m being unreasonable because I know that people will generally prioritize my attendance over hers. I know this probably sounds selfish but I don’t really think that’s my problem.
So AITJ?
ETA: The guy in question is Lisa’s SO, who is very close with Sam. Apologies for the confusion.
I spoke to Sam about the things that Lisa’s SO said to me and he’s decided to rescind his invite too.
Apparently, Lisa’s SO was under the impression that Lisa has tried to reach out which is untrue. She’s also allegedly been rather selective with telling him what stories she sold. Not sure if anything will come of it but I’m glad I’ll not have to deal with either of them, to be honest.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ — What people do with the information that you don’t want to attend because of Lisa over a longer event is their choice. It’s Sam’s birthday event and the guy is complaining about who Sam chooses to invite.
That seems off to me that the guy cares so much about Lisa being there…
As for your relationship with Lisa, it could be time but that’s up to you. I don’t know the actual impact on you of the stories about your ex.
I can understand that there’s a potential long-term trust issue down the road (don’t want to get too comfortable because she might do something like that again).
I do sincerely hope that she doesn’t do that because she’s clearly relevant enough that you have to worry about it to this day given how close she is within your friend group.
Perhaps you could talk to Faye privately about this and get her perspective. Faye is one of the only people who seems to know the full story and could offer you the insight that you want to decide what to do.
Wishing you the best of luck!” wheremyholmesat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are allowed to set your own boundaries, no matter what other people want to do themselves. You don’t want to spend a weekend with Lisa, you don’t have to spend a weekend with Lisa.
You graciously and politely said no hard feelings to Sam about having Lisa there. You just would not attend.
I have friends within a group fight and generally deal with it by letting them make their own choices. They are both invited. If someone does not want to come, that is up to them.
The only time people start rearranging invite lists because of fights is when they are legitimately much closer to one of the people or when they know one of the people is definitely in the right and the other in the wrong.
Clearly, Sam feels that way. Most of the others feel that way. That is indeed Lisa’s problem. Not yours.
‘whilst they’re all disgusted with the things he said some did say that perhaps it was time to bury the hatchet with Lisa.’
So after a guy freaks out and yells at you on the phone and tosses mean names at you – they also think you should be fine hanging around him now? I don’t think these are the friends whose opinions you need to worry about.” ImaginaryAnts
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s proven that she isn’t the kind of person who can be trusted not to share people’s personal business. No one wants that at a 4-day party. Also, you didn’t pull rank.
You were willing to remove yourself from the situation to not cause a problem for other people. Your friend values you and your presence more than Lisa’s. As you said, that’s not your problem. AND the guy should know better than to invite someone along without asking the host first. Surely if he’s part of this friend group he already knew what happened and that people might not be happy if she just showed up.
I think you handled this in a pretty classy way. Lisa’s SO is the one causing drama.” CumulativeHazard
15. AITJ For Yelling At My Sister Over A Stroller?
“My sister is 6 months pregnant and I’ve come to visit her and my mom for a couple of days.
She’s still in high school, doesn’t have a job, and is living with our mom (who also doesn’t have a job either). The thing is, my sister has paid no mind to all of these concerns. It’s important to note that my sister’s SO (the father of her baby) has passed away.
She swears up and down she’s fine and has only received the required counseling on it. I find it best to comfort her when I see her rather than lecture her.
I’ve been patient with my sister, I really have.
She loves to talk about all the cute things about a baby, so I go along with it. That was until we went to the store. She wanted to buy a baby stroller. We got to the cashier, and her card was declined. When she checked her account, there was $93 in it.
93 bucks. And she was laughing. That about did it for me. I bought the stroller and kept composure until we went outside. I told her that she needed to get real and have a plan down because there will be a baby here pretty soon.
She started crying and hasn’t spoken to me since.
I admit, I was harsh, and there was definitely a better way to go about this, but what I told her was real. I would be more than happy to sit down and make a plan for her on how to balance a job, childcare, and school, but whenever I bring it up, she steers away from the subject.”
Another User Comments:
“You were harsher than you needed to be, and expect the WORLD from a high school girl (what high school kid isn’t living with their parents? Obviously she doesn’t have a job or her own place. How could she??)
That said, you aren’t wrong. She does need to get herself together before giving birth.
No jerks here, but perhaps gentler next time. And apologize for being harsh. She’s pregnant, young, and lost her SO. She’s steering away from the subject because it’s scary.
‘If I ignore it, it’ll go away’. It’s obvious you’re just worried about her because you love her, even if you were harsh. She’ll appreciate you being there for her despite her behavior when she is able to grasp the reality of her situation.” kokihi_55
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but this can devolve quickly into jerk territory in regards to how your sister sees you.
You were right. Everything you said was right. But a child has no comprehension of having to balance a job, a baby, school, etc. This isn’t even touching the subject of whether she thinks she’s gonna have a social life for the foreseeable future, OR the loss of her partner.
I guarantee that when that baby comes out, the absence of her deceased partner is going to hit her hard. You’re lecturing someone at a time in their life when they normally would be resistant to it, not counting a baby being on the way.
Find a way to communicate that reaches her because this isn’t the way (again… everything you’re saying is right)
What role does your mom have in this? Has she offered advice? The thing is, the more you give your sister the harsh truth, the more she will probably pull away.
And if money is a factor, please try social media Marketplace or the various Buy Nothing groups on social media for stuff.” blue_magi
Another User Comments:
“Your sister is in high school dealing with being 6 months pregnant and the death of her partner.
I think she’s being cheerful about the baby because if she doesn’t, the alternative is major depression. She’s alone outside of your mom (who seems to be barely helping) and you helping her. She is probably fully aware there will be consequences for her actions, but she’s also probably in full denial.
No jerks here because you’re approaching the situation like the rational adult you are. And she is approaching the situation as the pregnant, grieving teenager she is. She needs help, probably more than you can give.
The whole situation just makes me feel sad for her.” beepborpimajorp
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I suspect your sister knows you’re right – she’s scared and doesn’t know how she’s going to do this, and at that moment, the additional judgment she felt from you was more than she could take.
It’s reparable. She might just need some time to process. Just tell her what you admitted here, that there was a better way to go about it but that it came out wrong because you’re worried for her and want to help her start to figure out plans for herself and her baby.
It’s obvious you care… good luck.” colortexarc
14. AITJ For Refusing To Babysit At My Sister's Wedding?
“I (f25) am a Kindergarten teacher I’ve been teaching for 4 years now and even though It can be exhausting I overall love my job.
My sister (f30) is getting married in 2 weeks. My about-to-be brother-in-law has a sister who lost her husband 6 months ago and has twin daughters (5).
I offered to watch the twins during the reception so she can hopefully have some fun. I know the twins and they’re overall well behave so I seriously didn’t mind if that meant BIL’s sister can have some fun after losing her husband and becoming a single mom 6 months ago.
Today I was talking to my sister and I found out my sister told several of her friends I can watch their kids during the reception. I asked why did she say that. She said well since you’re a teacher and watching BIL sister’s twins I figured she wouldn’t mind.
I told her I do mind and she better tells her friends to either take their kids and watch them themselves or start looking for a babysitter because I’m not.
My sister went all bridezilla and started calling me a selfish jerk and accusing me of not liking my job because I can’t handle a group of kids for a few hours.
It’s not that I don’t like my job I actually love my job I just rather not watch a group of kids I don’t know. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is the perfect example of the old saying give an inch and they take a mile.
Also ‘no good deed goes unpunished’ comes to mind. Instead of being grateful for the very generous offer of watching 5-year-old twins, your sister has become greedy.
Do not back down on this. Actually, you should take it to the next level.
Reach out to all of her friends and family members who she’s so graciously offered you up as a free babysitter and let them know as soon as possible that there was a miscommunication, and that you are not available to watch anyone’s children besides the twins, that you previously agreed to.” Pepper-90210
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s one thing to volunteer to watch 2 well-behaved children who you know. It’s another to get stuck with a bunch of random kids you’ve never met. Even in your classroom after the first few days, you’ve gotten to know the children.
If she wanted a group babysitter for her wedding, she should have hired one.
Were you going to watch the twins at the reception or somewhere else? Because if they’re well-behaved and they’re at the reception the twins may not hamper your fun as much.
But having to watch a bunch of other kids would.” AgentAlpo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Watching 2 kids you know is one thing. Watching a ton of kids you don’t know is another. I’m certain you firsthand know the difference as a teacher.
Your sister is totally being a jerk. She’s trying to use you as a free babysitter rather than actually paying someone to babysit. Of course, she’s upset. She doesn’t want to have to pay a babysitter actual money. Not when she can just try to browbeat you into doing it all for free.
If she keeps pushing, I’d boycott her wedding to deprive her of any free babysitting duties. After all, she might claim ‘I hired a babysitter but it fell through so you can watch them all, right OP?'” bmyst70
13. AITJ For Kicking My Friend Out Of My Loft?
“I (18f) moved out two years ago to go to college. My father pays my rent in my 1-bedroom loft. I got a part-time job at a chain cheap mini market for some extra $. I began training a new hire (21f) We became work friends.
She told me she was living in a shelter at the moment. She would tell me how awful & abusive the staff was. I offered to let her sleep on my couch since she just needed three months to get stable.
We got her belongings from the shelter.
At first, everything was fun. It was great to have a roommate since I was getting lonely being on my own. Things started falling apart 2 months later. My parents didn’t approve of her, she didn’t pay rent and used 3.5x as many utilities as I did living alone.
I defended her and said I was helping a friend out. My dad gave her a 1 month’s notice to leave which made her extremely angry and hostile with me even though it wasn’t my decision. She started talking to a man from another state.
He had bought her a plane ticket and she was leaving the following Monday.
On Wednesday before she left we were both at work. I was working until noon and she worked till close so I told her I would pick her up after work.
(She didn’t drive so I drove her everywhere. Sometimes to parties an hour away in the early hours of the night in very bad locations where I didn’t feel safe. No gas money ever.)
I clocked out at work and walked to the McDonald’s across the street to grab a coffee.
2 different customers from our store walked in after me. They said the ‘manager’ was making verbal threats and saying racist and graphic harassment about me and they feared for my safety. I got in my car and called my mom crying.
My mom called my dad, who lived a state away at the time. I went home and quickly tried to clean the pigsty her side of the apartment had become. Substance paraphernalia, wig, and eyelash remnants, takeout trash, and drinking bottles.
I will also add that she had asked me to take my cat and stay at my mom’s that weekend so she could throw a going-away party. She got aggressive and insisted that I couldn’t be in my own apartment.
My dad drove in 3 hours. I put her things in trash bags. My parents had me stay at my sister’s house a few minutes away in case she sent people to the house. My mom picked her up from work, drove her to her sister’s house, got the keys from her, and gave her her belongings.
The whole time my parents told me to act like my dad was angry at me over grades and was making me live with him. She threatened me & also threatened to send my mom naughty photos of me that she had taken the previous Valentine’s Day.
She called me a fake friend and really made me regret kicking her out. I felt awful for months. This was a year ago now and I still feel like the biggest jerk in the world for kicking out a friend that was down on her luck 5 days before she was supposed to leave peacefully.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You were taken advantage of in a big way. It is not your responsibility to be the rescuer of another adult person. She is responsible for her own actions and she was awful to you, then she compounded it by making you feel unsafe.
You were absolutely right to boot her out, she would have left your apartment a shambles.
You do not need to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.” OverRice2524
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Chills are running up my arms. OP, you were exploited by someone who was not a good person.
I am so glad that you have the kind of relationship with your parents that not only can you call for help, but that they will drop everything and drive for 3 hours as well as set up a story to protect you.
In some situations, that kind of lie is the best thing to do to minimize the threat to your safety.
Don’t regret kicking her out. Ever. You are not responsible for her, and she was threatening you. She wasn’t ever going to leave peacefully.
It might not be a bad idea to seek out some therapy to help you learn how to tell someone no when you are uncomfortable.” Kettlewise
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are so young, and your parents saved you a lot of hassle.
It took me decades to learn how to get people like this out of my life.
OP, When my shelter depends on the kindness of a person, I treat that person like gold. I cook for them, I clean for them, and I treat them with respect because my literal shelter depends on their kindness.
All this friend had to do was treat you with kindness, keep the space clean, help you out a little, and maybe not talk trash about you behind your back. It would have been so easy for her.
But she wasn’t your friend.
She was using you. And you don’t need to feel guilty, because people like her are survivors who know how to use and manipulate people. She will always have a place to stay because she will always be able to use or manipulate someone for a home.
She will always be in crisis because she will never put in the hard work and effort to prevent a crisis from happening.
All she had to do was be kind to you. And she could have stayed with you the whole time.
Maybe even longer. Imagine how great things could have been if she had kept the place clean if she had treated you with kindness and respect if she had offered to contribute to rent and utilities if she had offered to contribute instead of tear you down.
What a great friendship it could have been! You had certainly been doing your part. All she had to do to stay was be the bare minimum of a decent human being.
You didn’t kick her out. She drove herself out by her own terrible behavior.” MyDucksAreCute
12. AITJ For Being Mad At My Mom Because Of Her Reaction To My Relationship?
“I (20F) always had a close relationship with my mother (47F). I attend university in another city (it’s a two-hour ride from my hometown), and I work a part-time job so that I can afford some of my expenses, but my mother sends me some extra allowance every month.
I also visit her every now and then whenever I can find the time.
I had a few days off from work and I decided to visit her. The thing is I’ve been with this guy (21M) online for five months, and together we made plans so that he can visit me at my place and spend a couple of days here.
I live in a pretty tourist spot so I thought I could show him around and we could have a good time together. When I told my mom about this, she got visibly upset, and said: ‘I don’t want him to stay with you.’ She met my partner before through Facetime and phone calls, so I didn’t get her reasoning for that.
We argued over it for a bit and then she asked me flatly whether I will sleep with him or not. That made me really uncomfortable, she then proceeded to explain how it was ‘too early for me’, and that I should wait until at least until I’m about 24-25 before even getting a man.
She was also upset about me being in a relationship from the get-go, but I hadn’t paid much attention to it before.
I then told her I needed some boundaries, and that she can’t interfere with my life like that, and that I was sick of her controlling attitude.
I didn’t insult her or anything but I was pretty angry, so she got upset (again) and gave me the silent treatment afterward (she does this whenever we have an argument). She hasn’t talked to me much since yesterday and I’m a bit worried I might have hurt her.
I really didn’t know how else to word this so I just went with what I felt was right. I’m thinking about how I can make it up to her but I can’t give up on meeting my partner, I really like him and I was genuinely looking forward to this.
So AITJ for telling my mom off?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but when we react with anger we do tend to be pretty harsh and then people can’t really hear us through their defense reaction. You are 20. Old enough to decide for yourself but a talk with her when you’re both calm would help.
She’s worried. She’s your mom that’s always going to happen when you grow up and away from her baby. Just assure her that she taught you well, and you’ll be careful about pregnancy and everything else that comes with sleeping with someone.
Remember you’ll probably have a few men in your life, just one mom. Good luck.” pandoras_dreams
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you are an adult and she cannot control that. Do not apologize or make up for anything. She didn’t care about your feeling so stop catering to hers.
Let her give you the silent treatment, if you back down on this you are setting the scene for the rest of your life. Better to start putting boundaries in place and keep telling her no you are an adult now.
The silent treatment is an abusive tactic to keep someone in line and agree for the sake of peace. DO NOT GIVE IN TO HER SILLY DEMANDS. You are an adult and she needs to realize that and treat you accordingly.” 30ninjazinmybag
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you are responsible for setting boundaries and rules exactly as you would a child. You are not responsible for her feelings. She is having a temper tantrum right now so apologizing and trying to make it up to her would be a very bad idea.
It is like giving in to a child’s temper tantrum and giving her the go-ahead for her to continue her behavior. You have to concentrate on correcting her behavior and not caring about her feelings. If a child has a temper tantrum they are upset and crying but the parent has to ignore that and not give in.
Do not go running after her whilst she is giving you the silent treatment. Leave her be, she will contact you.” User
11. AITJ For Asking My Partner To Tidy Up Our Bedroom?
“Our bedroom has been in a dire state for a while, so much so that it’s becoming a problem.
She’s been out of work for the last few years due to some issues she’s been having. No problem here as I’ve picked up a 2nd job I’ve really been enjoying, but it’s been keeping me away from housework! We generally do it together and it’s all well and good, but I haven’t been able to keep up.
I’ve been struggling a bit to even ask her to help out more, but knowing I can’t be a pushover I asked her the other night if she could clean the bedroom while I worked.
Her response was that she wouldn’t unless I did as well and that she wasn’t a maid.
She was very angry with me. I told her I would buy some new stuff for the bedroom, as a way to help indirectly, but that was also a no-go.
In my mind, she hasn’t worked in years and isn’t currently contributing financially, so this isn’t a big ask.
On her side, I understand that it isn’t just her responsibility, and she’s been dealing with some depression and other issues. But is her getting angry with me fair? Am I the jerk for trying to break our ‘cleaning tradition’?”
Another User Comments:
“Depression, mental health issues, and such suck. But your partner has had OVER a year to deal with depression and unemployment (admittedly: It’s hard to get therapy and meds without a job; hard to get and keep a job while being depressed) without the compounding issues of being homeless and hungry.
She’s making her issues yours by not cleaning up and not pulling her weight in the relationship. That’s not fair over the long term (Emphasis on the long term: Relationships aren’t 50-50 all the time. Balancing and re-balancing as conditions change is part of the work that goes into maintaining a relationship).
Asking for better balance is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. NTJ
Your partner needs to help out. And you need to figure out if you actually have a relationship worth keeping/saving. It’s not fair for you to have 3 jobs (the 2 outside jobs + housekeeping for you two) and her to have 0; If she cared about you, she’d see how wrong it is and do something about it.
You are her partner, NOT her parent.” Sweet__kitty
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. ‘You’re not a maid and I’m not a sugar daddy. Do you want to contribute to our partnership financially by getting a job or do you want to do the housework while I’m out earning money for both of us?’
If she’s depressed, she needs to be getting treatment. You can offer to make the call to set up the first appointment for her, but she needs to actually go to it and start making changes.
If she won’t do any of that, she’s just a freeloader.
Give her written notice that she has 60 days to move out. That gives her plenty of time to find a job and a room to sublet.
It will be easier for you to keep up with the bills and the housework when it’s just you rather than you trying to carry 2 people.” pupperoni42
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, It is simple if you both have a full-time job either with similar hours or bringing in the same amount of income that means chores are distributed 50-50 if your partner isn’t working and you’re working 2 jobs that means you’re doing double of the working which means your partner does like 95% of the housework.
Other than the basics of just cleaning up after yourself like putting stuff away after you use it your wife should be doing the majority of the work around the house as you’re not only working your share of the work but also hers.” Ok_Composer_9458
10. AITJ For Taking Away My Daughter's Phone?
“I’m a single mother (34F) who has one child (13F). We live in an area where the living cost is high, and while we aren’t particularly poor, we certainly aren’t doing that well either. My paycheck is enough to cover rent, utilities, and food with a bit of left over, usually $10-15.
I haven’t managed to save up a lot over the years, as emergencies, though minor, keep using up the little savings I have accumulated.
So my daughter has recently been playing a game quite a lot, with some in-app purchases – perks/character upgrades.
I have stressed, many times, that we cannot afford any of them (she has asked me for them before). However, today I noticed a charge on my credit card for a character bundle for $20. She has admitted to buying it and acknowledged that it was irresponsible but that she really wanted it.
I took away her phone, as a consequence of spending that money. (She doesn’t do much on her phone, mostly plays games, browses some social media, etc. She does not have any friends that she is close enough to chat with them after school.) I will allow her to use it, under supervision, if she needs to use it for schoolwork.
I plan to give her back her phone in roughly a week if she’s gotten to the point where we cannot afford such luxuries.
My friend did say that it was a bit harsh, although I felt that it was justifiable.
We really can’t afford it right now.
So, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She spent your when she was expressly told not to, so she deserves to be punished for it.
That being said, I’m curious about your daughter’s happiness levels.
The fact that you say she doesn’t have any close friends is a bit concerning to me. Consider that her game (might) be one of the only sources of pleasure and happiness that she has right now, and talk to her about it.
Growing up, I was punished but my parents always made me feel heard and supported. I think it would be super meaningful if you approached her from a kind place and asked her some questions about what she likes so much about the game.” bordennium
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
In my opinion, she got off the light. Not only did she do something you explicitly told her not to do, but she stole $20 to do it.
True, she didn’t actually go into your purse and take out a $20 bill.
However, she purchased something for herself using your credit card. That’s theft.
Taking away her phone for a week is light. She should consider herself very lucky she didn’t grow up in my house. My Dad would have whipped my butt, taken away my electronics, and grounded me for a month.
And I would have deserved that. Lying and thievery should never be tolerated by our kids. (I’m not condoning beating the out of a kid, either. I’m talking about a spanking. There’s a huge difference.)
Now, I’m not suggesting you do any of those things.
I’m simply stating that she got off easy.
She’ll survive a week without her phone. You did the right thing.
Also, she needs to be careful with in-app purchases. There have been studies done that suggest these IAPs are as addicting as gambling.
Now, I’m not saying gambling is wrong, just like I’m not saying that IAPs are wrong. Just that they both have been found to release serotonin in the brain and that could lead to unhealthy (and very expensive) addictions.
I know this one guy who, and I’m not exaggerating at all, spent over $50,000 on in-app purchases for a mobile game.
It was a mobile game that was free to download.
It can be a dangerous road if you’re not careful.” TaibhseSD
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were clear she did not have permission to make purchases, and she stole your and went behind your back because she ‘really wanted it’.
If you DIDN’T respond this way you’d be teaching her that using other’s people to get things she wants without permission is ok. Just make sure you’re consistent about explaining exactly how and why she broke your trust, and why a reduction of those privileges is the consequence of that until she shows she understands why her actions were wrong and that she’s mature enough to handle a device.” Brainjacker
9. AITJ For Giving A Friend An Expensive Gift?
“My friend’s birthday was last week and I got him a gift that upset his partner. Just for context, I’m also a girl. I’m a lesbian who hasn’t been mistaken for straight in yearrrrs tho – like I’ve been mistaken more often for a teenage boy than a straight woman, to be honest.
Anyway, back to the birthday gift… I knew my friend was building a home woodshop and wanted to learn metalworking, and I had this old MIG welder I haven’t used in years.
I’ve been trying to be more sustainable in gift-giving and go for secondhand or homemade instead of buying retail.
So I cleaned it up and gifted it to him with a note saying I could teach him how to use it. I had honestly been insecure giving him a used gift – I was hoping it wouldn’t come off like I was regifting old junk from my shop, but I figured it’d be fine since it was a more expensive tool (like $500 new) and all my friends know I’ve sworn off shopping new.
But I was honestly surprised by how it went – I went to my friend’s party and gave him the welder, and it was by far the gift he was the most excited about and he was saying how it was way too nice of a gift, I shouldn’t have, and that on top of me teaching him to use it?
I was like ‘OMG it’s fine – honestly, it’s not new, and I’m just happy someone would use it because I haven’t been! And joked that if he really felt like he owed me, he could learn how to use it on this fence I’ve been meaning to fix or replace.’
I started drinking with a bunch of my friends there and his partner came up to me later saying ‘She knew what I was doing getting him that gift’.
I was fairly wasted and unserious and was like ‘What, trying to bribe my way into getting my fence fixed?’
She got mad and said that it was super inappropriate to get a guy in a relationship a really expensive gift, it was hundreds of dollars and she couldn’t afford that kinda gift. Plus one that meant he was gonna hang out with me one on one?
I was like ‘Girl when have you ever met a straight girl who likes welding? Like not to stereotype but… Look at me, do you really think I’m into your man?’
She called me purposefully ignorant, and that it was just basic common sense to not get a guy friend an elaborate gift when he is in a relationship.
And not with a note asking to do something alone.
I got mad and was like ‘I didn’t say alone! You would have been welcome if you asked literally any other way!’
She said she didn’t want to hang out when we welded my fence, she wanted me to back off, and that ‘every girl knows’ these rules about what’s appropriate around taken guys.
And I was like ‘I dunno, that sounds like some straight people’s crap, I ain’t always thinking about gender like that’ Which was honestly kinda petty of me, but that really made her mad.
AITJ for the gift I gave my friend, and how I reacted to his SO?”
Another User Comments:
“No, you are NTJ. You gave a friend a thoughtful gift that you already had and weren’t using. It’s not like you took out a mortgage to buy her guy a gift. You were just being thoughtful and resourceful (and eco-friendly – good for you!).
His girl sounds really insecure. If she feels this threatened by an obvious lesbian ( I’m taking your word here that it is obvious) it really says more about how she feels about herself as a significant other than it does you.
My guess is that she knows she really isn’t that considerate of him, or that affectionate, or something… there has to be a reason for her insecurities, but they are not your fault.” TechMaster2121
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It wasn’t an expensive gift in terms of how much money you spent.
You regifted something you don’t use.
That was 100% just an act of kindness, and maybe that’s what really bothered her. You clearly were very thoughtful in your gift and it seems like she may be insecure that you had a more intimate type of gift. But you’re a lesbian, I’m curious how she’d respond if a guy friend got this.
Also, I’m a lesbian too and you had me cracking up. I know queer women and I know women who weld™️, sure enough, that Venmo diagram is a circle. LOL.” Kubuubud
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s insecure financially or in a relationship or both.
If my partner got something they were excited for sure I’d be secretly sad that I couldn’t top it but that would be immediately outweighed by how happy I am for them. It has nothing to do with how any of you identify with your s*******y and all to do with her not caring that he was happy to get something for his literal birthday.
He should be questioning life with someone that will be cautious and analytical of every success he has.” bnjvbnjv
8. AITJ For Not Asking People If They Want Drinks?
“My (33M) partner (32F) was finishing work late and we had a friend coming over to help her put together some clothes for her upcoming work trip.
Since it was late and they still had their prep to do, I wanted to place an order on Uber Eats so they could continue spending time together.
I suggested a cuisine and we all agreed on the type of food we would like, I added my items first and included a soda.
Once done I passed my phone around so they could look through the menu and add anything they wanted.
About 40 mins later the food arrives, and when my partner and the friend noticed there was only one drink (the one I added) they became immediately upset telling me how the social norms imply that I should have asked if they also wanted a drink.
Her quote concerning the ‘social norms’ are… ‘There’s a social barrier about ordering drinks, no one wants to order too much. But if one person orders a drink, it breaks the seal for others to add a drink. Therefore you should have asked us if we wanted a soda, especially since you are the host’.
AITJ for not checking in if others wanted a drink too?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s the friend’s fault for not remembering they wanted a drink. It’s amazing that they decided to put it on you to ask about a drink.
They are a friend and should not have to worry about the price of a drink.
It’s not on you. ‘Social norms’ in this situation would only apply to strangers or acquaintances, not friends.
They forgot and wanted to blame someone else.
Weird.” Ghitit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, there is no social barrier regarding ordering soft drinks on Uber Eats. If you treated them out to a fancy restaurant, maybe this could apply to liquor. They are grown adults capable of making this decision on their own.
Plus you gave them your phone AFTER you made your selections, so they could have easily looked at your order and seen your drink – I would have looked at your order anyway if I was concerned about the amount you were spending, so I could order something that cost less.” MEATandWINE
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your friend is a bit confused about the social ‘norms’. To the extent this is true, it ONLY applies to liquor and generally only to non-social occasions.
For example, if you are lunching with your boss or on a business lunch, you wouldn’t generally order a drink.
However if the ‘superior’ at the lunch does, then it would be okay for you to order it. It is less common to have a drink at a business lunch but there are some situations – especially evening dinners in which people would have a cocktail or a glass of wine.
Obviously not to the point of inebriation.
The other time when it might be appropriate is if sparkling water or bottled water is offered by the waiter. This is generally expensive uncharge (especially the sparkling water) so unless you are ordering the water INSTEAD of soda, iced tea, or other soft drink, you wouldn’t necessarily order expensive water in addition.” Jujulabee
7. AITJ For Not Taking Care Of My Son During Spring Break?
“I (22m) have a 2-year-old son with my ex (20f). She’s in college and I work full-time long hours. I usually have my son on the weekends or on my random days off.
Sunday night my ex abruptly asked me to take the week off and keep our son so she could go on a trip with friends for spring break. I told her there was no possible way I could do that so last minute.
She got angry at me and said he was my son too, and that she was able to call off work so I should sacrifice too.
I told her I had a real job, and I couldn’t just call out last minute, and that I really can’t afford to either.
She got really angry and said I was a deadbeat (even though I pay my share of child support and have my son 2-3 days every week. She then said I ruined her plans and this was her only decompressing time and not to ask to see my son this weekend since it was such a big issue.
I obviously feel bad that I can’t take him, she never asks me for things this last minute, and she is a very devoted mother, but it’s simply impossible.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She didn’t plan ahead and even ask what your schedule was like, just demanded ‘last minute’ that you take your son for a week.
When people co-parent, communication is key and she did not communicate far enough ahead of time for her vacation.
If you have a court order, she cannot legally keep him from you on your scheduled visits. If not, you need to get one.
She can go for a ‘break’ on your weekend.” Creepy_Addict
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I don’t think you’re ‘parenting out of convenience’ either (in regards to some other comments). Everyone thinks when you split up that sharing a kid 50/50 just works and that’s NOT how many states will set up custody.
It can be great but it also provides no stability for the kids. Having a regularly scheduled 2 days per week plus holidays (or days off of work) is an amazing schedule for the non-custodial parent. And non-custodial parents have to plan their lives according to the schedule that they have.
OP has weekends with his kid, and he planned his life accordingly. No one can take a whole week off at the last minute, and OP shouldn’t be expected to just to somehow prove that he wants to be a parent.
He already is a parent.
Your ex has the responsibility of the child for most of that week, and it’s fine to seek alternative care so that she can have a break. But it’s not fine to demand that you change your work schedule so drastically just so she can go on a vacation.” DeepPossession8916
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… but, you are 50% responsible for this child as well. Paying child support and having the child a couple of days a week is awesome, but she has this child the rest of the time. It sounds like this was a surprise trip for her if she’s just now asking.
She never even asks for things like this. Have there been weekends or times when you were unable to care for your child that she sacrificed her time to be with them?
At 20 years old with a 2-year-old, I’m sure you both have missed out on things that friends with no children do.
Is there a compromise that can be worked out? Maybe family members are willing to help when ur working or rearrange daycare schedules or paid work time off for a fun extended visit with your child? There is no excuse for her to be manipulative, but it sounds like she may be frustrated watching friends have fun while she is home with the kiddo.
Sometimes, sacrifices for each other will go a long way in the long run as teamwork definitely works better for the child. Yes, I’ve been in this exact situation and know from experience.” ReweSerious
6. AITJ For Whispering?
“I (23F) live in a bungalow with my mom (58F), older sister (35F), brother-in-law (38M), and my niece and nephew (3F and 9M). My mom lives upstairs, while the rest of us live downstairs.
I pay rent to my mom for my bedroom and the bathroom and kitchen space I share with my sister’s family. Occasionally, my partner (23F) will also come over and spend a night with me in my room. Because it’s a loud and packed house, those of us downstairs use noisemakers to sleep.
This helps me avoid getting woken up by my niece and nephew in the morning, and it likewise helps my sister sleep through if I’m ever up later in the night. I’m a graduate student, so my work hours are a bit more flexible than others in the house.
Now here’s what has recently become contentious: when my partner stays over, and we don’t have to be up early the next day, we will often stay up late whispering. We’re both night owls and are often up later than anyone in the house.
My mom, whose room is right above mine, is a very light sleeper. She will often message telling us to be quiet; mind you, we are very intentional already about keeping our voices down. My sister, who I share a wall with, doesn’t hear us.
We are not being loud. My issue is that out of everyone in the house, my mom is the only one who opts not to use a noisemaker, fan, or any other method to control how much noise gets to her in her room.
Yesterday this all came to a head. My partner stayed over earlier this week, and yesterday my mom sat me down and told me that if I wanted to live under her roof, she didn’t want to hear my partner and me talking at night anymore.
I pointed out that a) I pay to live here, and should have control over my space; b) my partner stays over maybe once or twice a month, maximum, and c) mom hasn’t taken any steps to control noise to help improve her sleep, while the rest of us have.
She said that she can’t use a noisemaker and won’t be able to sleep with one. Her point was that since my partner and I are the ones on a different schedules, we should be the ones making concessions. I asked her what she wanted us to do, and she said we could write to each other instead of speaking out loud.
I refused and told her that we were already taking steps to be considerate by keeping our volume down, but that she can’t police how and when I talk to my partner in the space I’m renting. She gave me the cold shoulder and we haven’t talked since the argument.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“At the end of the day, this is not a typical landlord-tenant situation. You are living in your mom’s house, even if you are paying some form of rent. That’s going to be complicated until you can move out on your own.
I would be looking for other living accommodations at his point. If you can’t afford it, then you are stuck with your Mom’s rules. Maybe you can go out at night and talk at a coffee bar or on your back porch.
All that said, I don’t think you are a jerk. I don’t think your Mom is, either. No jerks here.” xclord
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, your mum is not wrong for wanting to feel comfortable in her own house and to get good sleep.
You may be whispering but she can clearly still hear you and it’s disturbing her sleep. Yes, you pay some form of rent but even rented accommodation comes with rules you need to stick to. One suggestion would be if your gf only stays once a month then could you stay at a hotel this one night?
Personally, I would just move out. I would, however, have a proper conversation with your mum to see if she has a bigger issue with your relationship than the noise, if she does then that’s an entirely different matter and she would be the jerk.” Aitasuperfan
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Your mom has a right to sleep, and it is her house. At the same time, you do sound like you are trying your best to be as quiet as possible. But this is for you to resolve, not your mother.
As I see it, you possibly have 5 options – get on a different schedule sleep schedule, so you don’t have to whisper, have your partner stop sleeping over, text each other instead of speaking, move out, or change your room to one that is not under or next to your mother, even if the room is smaller or you have to pay more rent.
Good luck.” Pretty_In_Pink_81
5. AITJ For Not Being Thankful About A Handmade Gift From My Husband's Grandma?
“My (28f) family of 4 is currently temporarily living with my husband’s (30) mom (56) and things have been tense since she learned we’re moving out.
When everything basically exploded, I was on day 3 of a fever with salmonella, unmedicated, and was surprised with a package from the kid’s (2 and 4mo) great grandma (70). Well, GGMIL wanted a video taken of us opening the box with the littles and seeing their reaction.
I said I would take the video because I felt and looked like death.
Despite saying this a couple of times, MIL took my phone to video us all together. I sit and hold my youngest, try to look peppy so this is a happy video and we don’t remember the sickness.
(Y’all, I failed badly, I was slow blinking like Muffin from Bluey when she dropped her midday nap.)
Anyway, my husband pulls out this beautiful hand-knit blanket. My eyes lit up and I smiled, I didn’t expect the blanket to be ready as I hadn’t heard about it since we last saw her with it before she moved out of state.
It made me miss the other hand-knit blankets his family gifted us, I have this ottoman full of them in storage from our oldest’s baby shower, so I commented while smiling ‘We have so many of these’ when my husband said, ‘You can never have enough either!’ I heartily agreed. I was trying to think of the names of everyone else who gave us a knit blanket to thank, but we were moving on to gifts for our toddler.
I followed along, figuring I’ll write a thank you an email later, and tried to be in the background at the moment since in my mind the video was about the kids.
After everything, I quit pretending and passed out for a few hours while I could.
While this was happening, MIL had been fuming. She took my husband outside and said ‘I need to talk to you about your wife! I think it was disgusting how ungrateful of a jerk she is!’ He defended me and tried to give context but it was in one ear and out the other I guess.
I didn’t know until later that night after we got home from helping her haul things to the dump that she stopped me and asked ‘You don’t have anybody old in your family, do you? No, you don’t really have much family.
Well, do you know what arthritis is? It’s when your fingers in your hands lock up and it hurts to even use your hands. Your baby’s GREAT GRANDMOTHER slaved for hours making that blanket. What you’re going to do is take photos of both of your kids together, because she doesn’t have enough of those, and you’re going to show them with that blanket and send them to her.
You need to be grateful and show some gratitude.’
Y’all, I hadn’t even seen the video yet or even know what I did, and she’s scolding me in front of my own kids and talking to me in a tone like I’m mentally impaired. I left to the basement to cry and write the Thank You email to my GMIL.
The more I think about it though, the less I think I’m the jerk because this was sprung on me, and I never got to explain myself before she dumped on me. AITJ?
Update: I called GGMIL and it went to voicemail.
My husband called in case she didn’t recognize my number, and she picked up saying she was in the car and on her way home, can she call back at a better time? Cool, that made sense. A little while later, she calls him back and he explained and thanked her on our behalf, he was laughing and smiling when he found me so I guess things were okay!
He put me on speaker so I could say thank you myself, but she had to go so she could paint a room in her house. I wasn’t surprised, she’s remodeling her house (she’s a construction worker and tougher than an ox, utterly amazing) and she’s not happy unless she’s busy.
I wish I could have talked to her, but she has our email and my husband was able to smooth things over. She seemed happy, so I’m happy.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Your comment was really rude. Sounds like you get that, you didn’t mean it, etc. But it still was.
And I get MIL wanting to defend and stand up for her mom. It doesn’t sound like she was even that rude to you, she wanted you to understand the physical toll it took to make the blanket and to make sure you corrected your initial reaction by showing appreciation.
Maybe she could have approached it not around your kids (though at 2 and 4mo were they even aware this was happening?) But it doesn’t sound like her comments were wrong.
You probably should have stood up for yourself and been firmer about the video in the first place.
‘No, I really don’t feel well and I don’t feel up to being in the video. We can film Dad and the kids opening the gifts.’ And when she took the phone to film, just went to stand by her and let her film dad and babies.” SpeechIll6025
Another User Comments:
“OP, MIL felt she had the right to SCOLD YOU like a child, even though you’re a grown woman and the mother of her grandchildren. I’m amazed at your forbearance.
‘What you’re going to do’ is not her province to dictate.
You played along with her photo opportunity, you hauled trash to the landfill for her, and then she jumped down your throat with boots on. She’s an ingrate and a bully. I sincerely hope your moving day is SOON.
Until then, tell your hubs that you will not be dealing with his mother more than absolutely necessary, and he is now in charge of MIL Relations.
You’re out. Seriously, if she ‘stops you’ alone anywhere again, WALK AWAY: ‘Sorry Leslie, this is not a good time for a chat’. Be as pointed about it as you like. Her utter rudeness has begat rudeness, and she has lost the privilege of private chats with you.
When you’re moved to do so, you could write Great Granny a sweet TY note that thanks her profusely, and says two other things for damage control: ‘We are so blessed to have been given blankets from Marnie and Essie and Francine in the past – all are treasures, as is yours, and they will be lovingly passed down to the kids’; and I haven’t seen the video because MIL insisted on being the camera person, but hope I didn’t look super frightening as I was on Day 3 of food poisoning!
Forgive me if I look like a zombie, but I bet the kids are cute!
NTJ and you WEREN’T ungrateful, you were dead on a cracker. Now get out of that house!” little500HondaCBR
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, at least you and MIL.
I understand you were sick, but knowing you were being videotaped, you must understand that saying ‘We have so many of these’ is tantamount to saying you don’t like the gift and don’t want it. Clearly, you were impaired. (And I too have been given a bunch of fuzzy hand-knit blankets that we don’t use, so I get it.)
Your MIL is also a jerk because she didn’t have to be so aggressively rude about it. Knowing that you were not feeling well, she could have been a bit more understanding and said ‘Oops, we probably don’t want to send the video with that comment.’ And she could have stopped taping and asked for a re-do, or edited that part out.
No need to send that section of the recording to the GMIL.” newfriend836639
4. AITJ For Not Telling My Partner My Motorbike Exhaust Was Hot?
“A couple of weeks ago I rode my motorbike to my partner’s house.
I parked it on the footpath between the front fence of the house and a tree on the nature strip – this is a fairly narrow space. She came outside to greet me. She asked me about a problem with the bike which I’d told her about the night prior, so I beckoned her over to the dashboard to show her.
I was standing to the right of the bike (between the bike and the fence). Instead of walking around me to the dashboard, she bounded up to me for a kiss and a cuddle. In doing so she brushed her leg against the exhaust pipe, which was still extremely hot because I had just been riding the bike.
She was wearing shorts, so the exhaust pipe burned her leg really badly – to the point where it has now become infected and she has had to take antibiotics to treat it.
Of course, I feel terrible about this.
But my partner says it was my fault. She says I was negligent in not warning her that the exhaust pipe was hot. She has never been on a motorbike and doesn’t know anything about them. I deny this and say it was an unfortunate accident.
Avoiding brushing your leg against the exhaust pipe is second nature to motorcyclists – it sort of happens to you once early on and then you just instinctively know to avoid it.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here because you’re both kinda right.
It’s a good thing to learn to remember when you bring your bike around people who don’t know bikes.
It’s your bike, you’re bringing it, and it doesn’t have an exhaust cover, so you should take responsibility for the dangerous thing that you know about, and make sure that other people also know about it.
You don’t always think about what you know that others don’t but you should take the lesson now so that you should think about this in the future.
If she’s continuing to get angry about it, she should stop. If you’re refusing to even apologize, you should just apologize.
‘It’s not my fault’ is not a great reaction when your partner got a serious burn off your bike.” Left-Car6520
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
If you have never been around a bike, you don’t necessarily expect anything dangerous to be so exposed – after all, if you are used to cars, the exhaust, engine, and similar are all shielded to stop people from coming into contact with it.
So it is just sensible to warn anyone who doesn’t know bikes that it will be hot the first time they come near one to prevent this exact issue, especially when you are standing right next to the bike and encouraging them to come close in where they could get hurt.” nrsys
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It’s really hard for humans to remember what it was like to not know something, and empathize with people who don’t know it. While she was coming towards you, you weren’t thinking ‘She doesn’t know about the exhaust on motorbikes’.
You were thinking something like ‘Significant Other!’ LOL.
It’s absolutely unfortunate that she got hurt, and you should be concerned and sorry she’s in pain, but it’s not reasonable for her to be angry that you didn’t warn her in the few seconds as she approached when that’s just not how humans generally think.” faygoFluent
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you admit that it becomes second nature BECAUSE you burn yourself the first time, why didn’t you warn her since she’s not someone who rides? A simple ‘careful, it could still be hot’ would’ve made her a lot more cautious, but you didn’t say a word.
THAT’S what makes you a jerk, admitting that you know it’s second nature to you guys and feeling like she should just know when she isn’t experienced like you. You don’t deny it, you apologize and maybe say it slipped your mind at the moment because it’s equal parts BOTH of your faults, but you want to place all blame on her when she didn’t know.” immadriftersbody
3. AITJ For Not Having My Sister As A Bridesmaid Because Of Her Looks?
“I (25F) am a homely-looking girl. There is no other way to say it; I am not hot or even pretty by most people’s standards.
My sister (27F), ‘Bella’ is one of the most beautiful women who has ever walked this planet. Like, got stopped on the street and in the mall multiple times while we were growing up for modeling opportunities.
We have different dads, and I guess she just won the genetic lottery.
I was jealous of her as a kid, especially because we were always compared to one another. I’m 5’4, average body, and a slightly below-average face. She’s 5’11, thin, and all around just really gorgeous.
She’s also a genuinely great person.
She’s humble and sweet, and even though she could’ve made a living off of her looks, she ended up going into social work and now works with kids in foster care. She and I are close. We see one another a bit less since she moved to a new city with her husband, but we constantly text and call.
I was her maid of honor two years ago at her wedding.
Four months ago my fiancé (30M), Allen, proposed to me and I said yes. My family was excited for me and they all like him. He and I have been together for just over two years.
Bella and Allen are close as well, and we often have them over for dinner or go to their house for game nights.
Now to the issue. I thought about it a lot and decided to not have Bella in my bridal party.
I just wanted one day where we weren’t standing side-by-side, being compared. I wanted to be the pretty one standing at the altar on my day. I’ve gotten over my jealousy of her for the most part and accepted myself for how I look and who I am, but the thought of everyone looking at her at my wedding broke my heart.
She obviously thought she would be my maid of honor, and so before I asked anyone to be at my bridal party, I went to her house to talk to her. I didn’t want her to hear through the g*******e or social media that she wasn’t only not my maid of honor, but not in my bridal party at all.
When I went over and told her and explained my reasoning, she started to cry.
She didn’t get mad at me, but she said it was really hurtful that I’d excluded her because of the way she looks. I understand her point.
She and I are best friends. She’s been giving me a bit of a cold shoulder since this happened, and my parents (both our mom and each of our dads) have called me a major jerk for doing this to her, saying she’s more upset than she let on but didn’t want to taint ‘my day’ with drama.
She RSVP’d to the wedding invite, so I know she’ll still be coming no matter what, but I feel bad that I have excluded her just because of her looks now.
So, AITJ?
Edit: I have been in therapy for family issues and self-image issues since the day I turned 18, but it hasn’t 100% sorted itself out yet.
I work on it every day.
I have a f****l deformity because my jaw did not form correctly in the womb, leaving my chin and mouth deformed. My family has never let me forget this part of myself. I have cut most of them out of my life, but the trauma is still there.
I love my sister, and after talking with Allen, we have decided not to have bride or groom parties at all. I will try to talk to her at some point this weekend and apologize for letting my insecurities get in the way of our relationship and explain that I won’t have any maid of honor or bridesmaids.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You say that Allen and Bella get on and you don’t seem eaten up with insecurity over their relationship. He asked YOU to marry him, not your sister. Nobody else’s opinion matters, surely? Who cares what Auntie Mary’s husband’s brother thinks?
Look at it this way, which is what I did with my much better-looking best friend on my wedding day. Everyone is expecting Bella to look fabulous all the time. There’s no surprise in it for anyone who knows you both.
But you… you’re going to be dressed up to the nines, with special make-up and hair. You will look very different, and people will notice.
Don’t go for a boring dress, wear something really memorable and different. Choose a muted color for Bella’s dress.
Smile more brightly than her, because, after all, it’s your special day. And you will shine.” Holiday_Cat_7284
Another User Comments:
“Coming from a fellow sister who did not turn out to be ‘the pretty one,’ I’m unfortunately going to have to say YTJ.
I understand that it’s hard to think about your wedding day and everyone looking at your sister instead of you-and possibly even comparing the two of you to each other. But here’s the thing: no one is going to look at the bridesmaids on your wedding day.
They’ll be directing their attention to you and your fiancé.
I understand the insecurities and the deep-rooted image issues. But trust me, you’ll want your sister there to help you through the best day of your life.” tired-bookdragon
Another User Comments:
“You say you’ve gotten over your jealousy of her and accepted yourself for how you look, but I don’t think you have. If you were really over it and you loved yourself, you wouldn’t be worried about standing up next to her at your wedding.
You still sound deeply insecure. Neither you nor your sister can help how you look. If you don’t want her to stand up next to you as a maid of honor or bridesmaid that’s your choice but doing so because she is pretty is crappy and imo not a good enough reason.
YTJ.” bethholler
2. AITJ For Calling My Husband A "Stupid Jerk" In Front Of Our Children?
“I am a person living with multiple disabilities which affect my vision, mobility, and mental health. I have been living with these conditions for the past 10 years but the last year has been really hard.
So last night we went to an event as a family (my husband, two teenagers, and I). It was stormy out (high winds, snow, icy sidewalks). We had to park maybe 400m away from the venue. When we walked to the venue it was daylight and the sidewalks were passable.
My husband and kids walked ahead of me. I was a bit annoyed but I let it go, not wanting to ruin the evening.
After the event, we left. I turned away from my family for maybe 20 seconds to say goodbye to someone who sat with us at the event.
When I turned around my family was halfway to the car. I was really annoyed.
I trudged through the dark, snowy weather. I literally could barely make it to the car because the wind was so strong and the sidewalk was quite icy at this point.
I finally made it to the parking lot and my husband pulled the car out of the parking spot and picked me up probably 10 feet from where we were parked.
I got in the car and said ‘Thanks a lot for waiting for me, stupid jerk’.
My husband acted surprised and said he planned to bring the car around to pick me up. Hearing is not one of my disabilities and my family never told me this was the plan.
We had told the kids we’d go to their favorite restaurant afterward and we drove there in awkward silence.
When we got there my husband acted all sulky, didn’t order food, and was staring at his phone. I looked at him and told him he at least owed me an apology. He said ‘I’m sorry. It was a misunderstanding’.
My daughter (19f) said I was ruining the night.
I let it go but I’m still upset by the situation.
So here I am, prepared for an honest judgment. AITJ?
ETA: I just spoke to my husband and apologized. He conceded that he didn’t communicate well and I told him that I shouldn’t have blown up at him.
I also apologized to the kids.
I still feel hurt that they took off without saying anything, but I completely overreacted and I will do better moving forward.
I did not preface my post in order to garner sympathy. I was explaining why it was a big deal for me to be left to walk to the car unattended.
I also did not time how long I spoke to the person we sat with (not a stranger) but I literally said goodbye and asked her to keep in touch. I didn’t have a full conversation with her. By the time we finished talking I couldn’t really see my husband and kids so I started walking by myself to the car.
When I got to the parking lot my husband was just pulling out.
I absolutely agree that my reaction was inappropriate but please don’t make it sound like I’m some horrible person who my family hates. My children are my life and I have a very good relationship with them.
I had a bad night and I apologized. I’m not a villain.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – I sense from the tone of your writing, that you are a bit down mentally and life is a struggle for you physically.
In that mindset, you will be a bit snappish. You already know you shouldn’t have used that language and I suggest the next time you feel those words coming out, just stop. Take a deep breath and say ‘I’m irritated right now.
Let’s talk later’. Make that a signal to everyone that lets them know, you’re upset, it’s ok to feel upset. And yes both you and your husband need to communicate more explicitly, but those are minor things that can be improved. For me, this is not a huge deal and jus y learn to do better next time.” Oh_Wiseone
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
He should have actually SAID, ‘Hey, honey, we’re going to grab the car and we’ll be back to get you when you’re done saying goodbye’.
You really shouldn’t have called him a jerk in front of your kids but they aren’t small kids so I think it’s not quite as bad.
I’m glad he apologized. I’m glad you told him you shouldn’t have said what you did. Maybe it’ll help both of you to be more clear on things in the future.” Ok-Force8783
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You are a grown adult just as capable as your husband of communicating.
Both of you suck for failing to do so. The thing that makes you a jerk over your husband is your inappropriate overreaction. Seriously, ‘stupid jerk’? In front of your kids? You couldn’t have said, ‘Next time do y’all mind waiting for me’?
And then, when he told you he had planned to pick you up – a very nice and considerate thing to do- you sat in silence and then demanded an apology.
Look, I get that you’re in pain. I get you’re frustrated. You’re losing independence and physical capability over time, and it’s maddening.
But you’re taking that out on your husband and, by extension, your children, and that makes you a jerk.” beingsydneycarton
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
All of you have issues with effective communication. In their minds, you went from 0 to 60 in a nanosecond because I seriously doubt you said anything about being left behind on the way in.
He had no way of knowing their earlier behavior started you down the path to anger.
And you should have spoken up as soon as you got inside. Something along the lines of ‘When we’re done, I’m going to need help back to the car.
Please don’t walk ahead like you did on the way in.’
He sucks for not being certain that you understood the plan to pick you up at the door. The kids suck for neither of them offering to stay with you.
My kids are in their 20s and if we’re out as a group and my wife is struggling, someone always stays with her.
So yeah, everybody sucks here.” User
1. AITJ For Taking My Son To The Doctor Behind My Husband's Back?
“I (25F) live with my husband (29M) and my stepson (7M). My husband has full custody of my stepson Riley.
Riley has always been a late bloomer. When I started going out with my husband, Riley was 5 and he still took naps even though most children grow out of them by then.
When he turned six, he stopped needing naps during the day except when he was sick or did a lot of physical activity. Riley also has ADHD (so do I) so I know the hyperactivity can tire children out sometimes.
A few weeks ago, Riley has started taking naps again for around an hour a day. He also began falling asleep on car rides. The length of time he napped kept increasing and he now naps for 3 hours a day, meaning that he’s asleep for 13-14 hours a day.
I usually pick him up from school, and his teacher tells me that he’s exhausted and yawning the whole day. I became extremely concerned and I told my husband that Riley needed to see a doctor but he didn’t think it was serious.
He thought that Riley was sleeping more because he was growing but I was still worried.
I admittedly don’t know much about children as I’m the youngest on both sides of my family but I spoke to my parents, and in-laws and searched online and they all said it was weird.
My in-laws did mention that my husband slept a lot as a child but not to the extent that my stepson does. My husband still didn’t want to take Riley to see the doctor.
I decided to make an appointment for Riley anyway and he saw the doctor yesterday.
The doctor was very concerned and he arranged a b***d test for next week, and he also gave me a list of foods to cook for Riley to improve his energy levels. When I told my husband, he was mad that I had gone behind his back about his son’s healthcare.
He wants me to apologize but I believe I was acting in Riley’s best interest. Most people I’ve spoken to have said that I was wrong because Riley isn’t my son but I would like your opinion. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are a step-parent but you are still a parent to this child and have been for two years. When you have a concern, even if that concern isn’t necessarily shared by your husband, you should be able to take the child to the doctor to have them seen.
Obviously, the doctor is very concerned here and ordered b***d tests.
I think you need to have a conversation with your husband about why he is so averse to taking Riley to the doctor. Is he worried that there’s something wrong with his son, or has he had bad experiences with doctors?
Is he one of those ‘we don’t go to the doctor unless someone’s dying’ kind of people?” MauserGirl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Tell your husband that if the school starts noticing these issues because he has not done anything to solve the problem, he could find himself on the receiving end of a visit from social services.
Medical issues must always be checked out. If they aren’t, it’s a sign of potential neglect.
Since your husband worries about being a super dad, you must use that information to guide him into making better decisions. It’s your leverage and it’s his currency.
Good dads ensure their kids get medical care when things appear to be off. Bad dads ignore medical issues and CPS gets involved.
You must protect this child, so hold firm.” CPSue
Another User Comments:
“So, here’s my 2¢.
Yes, you might want to apologize but only for the part that was in the wrong.
‘I’m sorry I went behind your back. I love Riley and want what’s best for him as much as you do.’
Sit down and talk with your husband about expected boundaries and concerns in your relationship and your role as Riley’s stepmother.
If you’re expected to parent Riley, it’s important for you to be allowed to act like a mother and fill his needs as a Mom.
Next time you need to make a parenting choice like this and hubby is dragging his feet or disregarding something like this: First, ask something like ‘Would you like me to make an appointment for Riley?
I can take him if you’d like.’ and if hubby is still iffy, tell him ‘I made an appointment for Riley (date & time) for (issue). Would you like to go with us?’ Of course, this is all after you’ve exhausted getting hubby to do it first. If he gets annoyed like this again, ask MIL to make the appointment and question your presence in your relationship with hubby.
NTJ for taking him, it’s obvious he should have been seen. Soft jerk for going behind hubby’s back because Riley really should have been seen but he deserved a heads up.” Dependent_Reason1701
