People Hesitate To Take The Blame In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
19. AITJ For Not Wanting To Hang Out With My Husband's Best Friend Anymore?
“My husband and I (27M, F) went out with a group of friends last night for NYE. We all had concert tickets so the plan was to get dinner and then hit a bar before heading to the show.
We coordinated the whole thing. The group was us, my husband’s childhood best friend ‘Mark’ and his partner, and another couple that is my husband’s friends (all around the same age).
I’ve never liked my husband’s best friend. I think he’s kind of a jerk and doesn’t treat my husband well at all. My husband gives him infinite free passes because he is autistic and they both got bullied some as kids.
I have several other friends that are on the spectrum and none of them treat us poorly so I’ve never bought that reasoning.
We all planned to meet at a restaurant at a certain time and on the day Mark called us and asked if we want to go to a different restaurant an hour and a half earlier.
That didn’t work in our schedule so Mark says fine we’ll keep the original reservation. Once we arrive we called them to see if they were close and we find out that Mark, his partner, and the other couple had all gone to the other restaurant without us.
I was upset but didn’t want to ruin the night so we just ate by ourselves and then met them at a bar. My husband asked Mark why they did that and Mark said he meant to text but forgot.
Later in the evening, we needed to walk to our car before the show, so we all agreed to meet at the venue soon. My husband and I got to the show and listened to the first opener before texting Mark to see where everyone was, and we got no response.
The second opener finished up and we checked Instagram to see that they had gone bar hopping. They never showed up or sent a text.
This morning I talked to my husband about how rude it was that they ditched us twice and he said it was fine and Mark was just being Mark (meaning the autism).
I’m tired of that excuse so I said even if that was the case there were three other neurotypical people in the group who could have let us know. I told my husband he can keep hanging out with Mark and that group if he wants but I won’t be anymore and I frankly don’t think my husband should either since Mark treats him so poorly for a supposed best friend.
My husband got really upset and said I was being too harsh and Mark can’t help it. So AITJ for putting my foot down about my husband’s best friend?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you don’t give people passes for being the jerk because they have autism or any other ‘medical’ problem. He treats him that way because he doesn’t see him as a friend just a hanger-on.
Your husband needs to up the value he places on himself. In the meantime, I wouldn’t hang out with his ‘best friend’ either.” CrazyCatLadyAL
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Many Autistic people find it difficult to read social cues (which are not the same thing as basic social rules).
HOWEVER, being Autistic does not mean you have a low IQ (quite often the reverse) and Autistic people just like neurotypical people are more than capable of learning basic social rules like you don’t just dump people you are socializing with by prior arrangement.
Mark and co knew what they were doing were rude, they know they wouldn’t like it if it had happened to them this isn’t an Autism issue this is you and your husband are just not that important to them.” Whitestaunton
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
BUT you’re right that there were other people who could have (and should have) informed you. It is atypical for a group of close friends to act like this.
So here are some questions for reflection: did you/your husband propose the concert and perhaps the others weren’t interested and they didn’t come out and say so? Was there a lot of back and forth about the nye plan and they decided to do something different without the confrontation?
Or is a lot of this Mark having different tastes and others joining his plan?
You’re still NTJ because someone should have texted you… I just think there’s subtext we’re missing.” loonybubbles
18. AITJ For Not Wanting To Have A Puppy?
“My (33f) husband (40m) kept asking me what I wanted for Christmas.
Never gave him an answer. Christmas morning, he gives me a bike, a new refrigerator, and a puppy. I immediately tell him that I don’t want the puppy (who will grow up to be a huge dog).
I could tell that it hurt his feelings but if I don’t stand my ground with him then he was just passive about things. I already have a little dog who I love but unfortunately, I don’t have time to care for another dog.
I asked him that although I didn’t tell him what I’d like for Christmas what made him think I would want another dog? He gave me some answers that made no sense, he thought my other dog would want another dog to play with but never mind me who would have to care for it and I say that because he’s not home a lot to help out.
He won’t tell me what he paid for the dog and I told him that he needs to find another home for it. He said ok but it’s been going on two weeks and I know him, he’s going to just let time pass like nothing has happened and end up keeping the dog.
I’ve had to clean and mop every day since getting the dog and he hasn’t lifted a finger.
I just think dogs deserve genuine attention. I’ve been going through a lot and the last thing I need is another responsibility around the house.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
This is why pets should never be gifts (unless the recipient is a part of the decision to get the pet, absolutely wants that exact pet, and has full say in exactly what pet it is).
Your husband never should have bought that puppy. Don’t leave it to him to rehome the puppy. It shouldn’t be your responsibility, but since you know he won’t handle it, it is.
Unless he got the puppy from a backyard breeder, any reputable breeder or reputable shelter/rescue will have had a return clause in their purchase/adoption contract stating that if you don’t keep the dog, you must return it to them and cannot legally just rehome it yourself.
There is a very good chance he did get it from a ‘behind your back’ since reputable breeders and rescues won’t sell/adopt dogs out as gifts, but it is also possible he lied to them and convincingly said it wasn’t a gift.
So, find out where he got the puppy. Make up a reason you need to know if you have to. Say you need some documents for the vet or something else that you need the info for and can’t get without knowing where the dog came from.
Then, contact the breeder, rescue, or shelter he got the puppy from, let them know the puppy was purchased as an unwelcome gift, and find out if they have a return clause in their contract.
If they do, return the puppy. If they don’t, find a new, good, home for it yourself, ideally with the help of a reputable rescue to help screen adopters.” 7thatsanope
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He wanted a dog so he got one ‘for you’ to absolve himself of any responsibility for its care. Who wants to bet that it’s a high-energy breed?
He’s not home a lot to help so why should he care to train it to be gentle so it doesn’t end up hurting a kid or scratching you up?
I’ve lived with big dogs and it happens whether they mean to or not. There is a puppy issue to solve which sounds like it will end up on you, but your real issue is your husband.
To me his actions are disrespectful.” WinkyStarFace
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I also think getting the dog is potentially a bit selfish on his part if you never expressed interest beforehand.
I don’t know your husband’s relationship/interest with dogs, but assuming he likes the dog himself then in some ways it seems like he sort of took advantage of your lack of specificity to get a present for you that’s really a present for himself, one that is going to require a lot of work from you to train and clean up after and apparently none from him since he isn’t going to be home to help with that sort of thing.
So now he gets the advantage of having this cute puppy, with none of the disadvantages that go into its upkeep, while simultaneously getting to feel like he’s doing you a favor by giving you this present while really what he’s doing is doing himself a favor by getting something he wanted using funds that was supposed to go to something you wanted. Like he’s trying to have his cake and eat it too.
Incidentally, the refrigerator seems like something very similar. Presumably, you’re both going to use the fridge so is it really a gift for you, or is he just using this as an excuse to get something for the household that he was going to have to get anyway?
Thus saving his own income since now instead of buying a fridge and a present for you he’s just buying the fridge and using it as an excuse to not get something for you.
In general, you may want to have a chat with him about sharing responsibilities as well. I’m sure he’s a lovely person in general, but he does seem to sort of take you for granted in regard to housework and upkeep, not to mention possibly taking advantage of the overall Christmas situation to get things for himself at what is basically your expense.” ncarr99
17. AITJ For Telling My Mom To Stop Tracking My Phone?
“I (19F) am a freshman in college. I live around an hour and a half away from home and spend most of my time on campus.
I grew up with what some may call a helicopter mom.
She was always very strict with me growing up, and to this day, she only lets me hang out with five people who she thinks are ‘appropriate’ to hang out with, one of which she is iffy on because he is transgender and she doesn’t want him ‘corrupting me.’ I can only spend the night at two friends’ houses even now and I must tell her exactly where I am going at all times and when I will be back (not a horrible demand, but this is where it gets messy).
The summer of 2020 was… eventful for all of us. I (17 at the time) was entering my senior year of high school at the time and still lived at home. It was around this time that I started working with activists in our community in light of things going on in the United States, and I went to my first rally in June.
I didn’t tell my mom I was going, because she is against this particular movement and I knew she wouldn’t let me go if I told her that’s where I’d be.
Long story short, she found out. And as a result, she installed a tracking app on my phone so she knows where I am at all times. This has been the case since then.
I didn’t do ‘bad’ things growing up. I didn’t get involved with illegal stuff or drinking or anything like that. If anything, I learned how to get around her rules so I could live life like a normal teenager.
When I first went to college and found some sense of freedom, I went wild for sure. Parties, hookups, all the things most freshmen in college end up doing. And like most, after about a month, I calmed down and decided to focus on myself and my studies.
Overall, I’d consider myself a decent kid. And the main reason why I have this app on my phone is that I broke her trust by going to a rally.
I’m going back to my university from winter break tomorrow morning and we were having issues with the app in question. I became frustrated and just asked her to delete it, telling her I was an adult and I didn’t want her babying me anymore.
She became very upset to the point of crying and went to her room. She hasn’t come out since and it’s been about an hour.
I feel bad for making her cry, but at the same time, I feel like I needed to put my foot down.
I’m an adult, I’m living my own life, and I feel like the least I deserve is some sense of privacy and independence. My dad asked me what was going on with my mom and I explained it to him, and he told me I was being very disrespectful.
He said they do these things because they want to make sure I’m safe and that I should be grateful for having parents that care about my safety.
I’m not ungrateful by any means.
I am blessed with parents who gave me a roof, food, and care throughout my life. But I just want to stop being babied.
AITJ?
EDIT: Since a few people have mentioned that I could buy my own phone, I’m still financially dependent on my parents to an extent.
I have my own apartment and pay for my own groceries and utilities however they’re paying my tuition, they’re paying for my car/health insurance, and they are paying for my phone plan.
I don’t have the means to buy a new phone.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
There is a big difference between childhood and adulthood. You are an adult now and should have your privacy.
(You should have had more privacy as a teen, but you don’t have such right to demand privacy as a teen.)
It is now your life and your job to keep yourself safe.
They are disrespecting you by continuing to treat you like a child.
It is your phone. Reformat it to remove the tracking app and don’t share your password again. If they are using carrier tracking, it may be time to get your own plan.” LeoSolaris
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Helicopter parenting is never healthy on both the parent’s and the child’s part. It isn’t a relationship that builds trust or confidence in either party – which is why your mother is so suspicious of the things you do.
You’re an adult in university now. They should have enough faith in you and themselves that they raised a good kid.
That’s the goal of parenting, anyway. At least to me.
I think the short-term solution is to reset your phone and just add the apps you want back. But if the phone is something your parents are paying for, and they find out you did this, they might demand that you give it back to them or put the tracking app back.
So long term, you should get your own phone + phone plan. There are discounts for students. If you like Android phones, Google Fi is a really nice option.
Honestly, if it makes them feel better, you could always just share your location on Google Maps with them.
Like on weekends that you’re going out of town with your friends to go camping or whatever. So they have some peace of mind in knowing where you are, but they can’t do anything weird like read your messages.
I will say this: The only real way to guarantee your own freedom is to be financially independent of your parents.” bttr-swt
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but it won’t go anywhere.
Your mother has an obvious obsession with tracking and controlling you. She won’t say yes.
Your only solution is to financially detach yourself from them and that won’t happen for a while.
So you’ll have to settle for working around their rules as much as possible until you can establish that independence. Meaning making sure that your mother can’t call your advisor, landlord, doctors, etc, and get info on you.
setting up your social media to restrict what she sees but doesn’t know she’s restricted, same with your email, etc, this might mean setting up new accounts and I’d include a google voice or similar phone number with your login security attached to that number in case she tries to screw with your current one.
Also, don’t forget about making sure both parents are off your bank accounts and there’s a password on your credit reports.
You might have to also consider things like leaving your cell phone at home during some events so your mother thinks you are having a quiet time studying etc. Get a cheap flip phone and a pay-as-you-go number for such times.
And find a way to earn some funds to help speed up getting away from them. Even if it’s working as a tutor or babysitter.” Annual-Contract-115
16. AITJ For Making A Big Deal Out Of An Apology?
“My current partner makes a lot of jokes in the pulling your leg department.
I’ve been getting frustrated because he’s so deadpan It’s hard to know for sure he’s not serious. I like to talk about the future a lot because I want to be completely upfront with my potential partners.
Stuff like what kind of place would we want to get together? Do we care about the piece of paper or do just want the ceremony? Do we want kids?
Do we have any names we have our hearts set on? Stuff like that. I try to talk about this stuff so all my deal breakers are upfront and you know what I want upfront and don’t waste time or money investing into me only to find out that I have a deal breaker for you.
Onto the story. I was trying to talk about the kid thing with my partner regarding ‘Any names you have your heart set on?’ Question. He went into pulling my leg and said something about naming our kid to sound like someone who has a wild job.
He’s never talked about it seriously so I just say ‘please don’t do that’. He continued his bit and it started to feel like he was making fun of me so I stopped him and said ‘I feel like you’re making fun of me’.
His answer ‘I’m sorry you feel that way, you need to lighten up it’s just a joke.’ Now, this is the part I might be a jerk for. That apology felt like he was trying to shift the blame onto me for feeling made fun of so I tried to explain why that wasn’t the best phrasing.
He kept sticking to the fact that he already apologized. I tried to explain I didn’t want another apology I just wanted him to understand how his phrasing could be hurtful and feel like blame-shifting, but he kept going determined he apologized and I need to lighten up.
We tried to change the subject into other unrelated stuff and even tried to talk about it later it seems like all that matters is unrelated the stuff. He says I’m overreacting and beating a dead horse about it but I feel like it’s important we both understand what happened and why we were wrong.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. As others have pointed out you may be rushing too fast in this relationship, but I don’t think you’re a jerk for it.
As for the guy. His humor is deadpan sarcasm, either learn to love it, talk to him about it and see if you can come to an agreement, or move on.
Some like sarcasm and others don’t.” JonnyHotbody6463
Another User Comments:
“Both jerks.
His apology was a non-apology and is the equivalent of telling someone to ‘Calm Down’. The ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ is a passive-aggressive response said for no other reason than to annoy someone.
1st time would be a warning. 2nd time I’d walked.
On the other hand, you’re too sensitive. Take his joking about kids’ names two months into a relationship as a sign that you’re going too fast, too soon.
If you like this guy, learn to deal with his sense of humor with a good sense of humor and sarcasm of your own. If you can’t, move on. There are better matches.
30+ years ago, my now wife entered our relationship with a strong sense of sarcasm. I was a straight-laced, serious military guy. I adapted, and we’re now onto our next 30 years.” CanuckinMexico
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have an operating rule it’s only a joke if everyone laughs (I understand there are nuances ones so nobody starts that). His apology wasn’t a real apology.
It’s what I refer to as a ‘shut up’ apology. However, you guys are still getting to know each other so maybe it’s not that you’re too sensitive maybe it’s just that he really hasn’t gotten to know you yet so take it with a grain of salt but if it becomes a practice then reevaluate.” ZOE_XCII
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – You’re pushing this relationship waaay too hard and moving too fast. Two months in and you’re picking out your house and naming your children?!?
Giving off some hardcore crazy girl vibes.
I would be willing to bet that this guy is making jokes because you’re making him uncomfortable. He’s trying to brush off these interrogations with humor, because he doesn’t want to tell you to slow down and give the relationship some breathing room, but seriously – you need to let the relationship develop at its own pace.
He sucks for a bs non-apology, he should apologize for hurting your feelings, and just tell you you’re expecting too much and jumping huge relationship steps by attempting to plan your entire future together two months in.” MuppetJonBonJovi
15. AITJ For Not Helping My Boss?
“I work as a medication courier and have a scheduled route but often make myself available to run stats (immediate emergency deliveries). I live in a state where the weather can be an issue aka heavy snow, tornadoes, and ice.
In over a year’s time, I’ve called out 3 times and only once due to weather. I accepted said position knowing this was part of the deal.
Today was bad weather, winter advisory, snow, and low visibility.
Not to mention a holiday but that’s okay I had no problem with doing my route. The route goes to another state and in normal circumstances takes around 2.5-3 hours to complete.
Yesterday my boss’s sister who does the business end of everything texted and asked if I could do my boss’s run along with my own, in a neighboring city but none the less would add an additional 30 minutes in normal weather so with road conditions at least an extra 45.
I texted back and said no, I could not help out because my own route would already take much longer than usual. Apparently, my boss celebrates Christmas that day. His sister texted back ‘Thanks’ with some other stuff about hoping it ends up getting canceled which I found odd but assumed she meant thanks for doing your route since the weather will be awful.
Today I get a text that they have bumped my pickup time to an hour later. As the day went on the weather was getting worse. It was like a slap in the face, pretty much my safety doesn’t matter we all don’t want to come in early after having fun last night.
Whatever I show up an hour later.
Then I get a text from his sister saying my deliveries for my boss’s route are in the system for me. I’ve already been delayed an hour (ended up being an hour and a half).
I called her back and said I could not do the extra deliveries. That I’m still waiting past my pickup time as it is. She basically said she read my text as to say I WOULD do the run and that it shouldn’t be a big deal to help out.
I said in normal circumstances I would (and have several times) but in this weather, it will take me almost twice as long as it is (like I said in my text which I still have I clearly said no).
She got snippy and said okay and that was the end of the call.
So AITJ for not just doing the extra stops? I like to be seen as a reliable worker and I don’t like conflict.
I will admit I was definitely frustrated when I called to reiterate that I had said no.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. From the way I’m reading it, the boss was working that day but didn’t want to take the deliveries he should be responsible for because it would cut into his time to celebrate while asking you to pick up the slack for him.
If he really needed to be off that day and knew it ahead of time he could have arranged to take PTO so that way everyone could adjust ahead of time to having someone else available to be ready to take over his stuff without hoping they could just tack it on to the normal day workload.
None of this touches the weather safety issue and if you are driving all that time I know a lot of places have set limits on how long employees can be driving simply because of driving fatigue.” gdex86
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – you are an employee, so if your boss TOLD you to do this as it’s your day’s responsibility, that’s their prerogative.
However, by asking and not accepting your response, they were trying to tell you by asking. Nope.” SmilingSarcastic1221
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, unless your first text said you would and then you changed your answer.
It’s the end of my day and I’m not 100% clear on that point, though it seems you said no in both instances.
Your safety, health, and overall security are your primary responsibility.
Dying or having an accident en route doesn’t help anybody.” tamatoas_peaches
14. AITJ For Wanting To Get Some "Thank You"?
“So, my partner and I live with his dad and somehow I was the one put in charge of cleaning despite paying the majority of the bills.
Honestly, I know it’s mostly my fault for not saying no but it happened so slowly and quickly at the same time that I didn’t even realize it before it was too late.
But, this isn’t really about that.
So, I’ll get texts from his dad saying ‘do the dishes.’ Never ‘please do the dishes’ or ‘can/will you do the dishes?’ Simply, ‘do the dishes.’
Easily 98% of them are the dad’s. My partner might have a cereal bowl or something in there once in a while, but it’s rare.
I’ll do the dishes and I’ll get a ‘thank you’ text for doing them.
This happens every single time. It happened today and I told my partner it actually kind of bothers me to get the ‘thank you’ text because I feel like I didn’t have a choice.
I wasn’t asked to do these dishes. I was told. Why can I be told thank you but not asked, please?
My partner says I’m wrong and I don’t have ‘good manners’.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are a household of adults. If all are pulling their own weight in terms of household bills, then all chores should be equal. You should either be cleaning up your own messes or equally dividing chores.
If someone is not pulling their weight in terms of household bills, then perhaps that person could make it up by doing a majority of the chores, if the others agree to this.
I recommend you have this conversation with your partner and his dad about this. Good luck. I know how frustrating it can be to be burdened with chores.” RezCoug
Another User Comments:
“Uh. You don’t have a problem with someone saying thank you, you have a problem with being a single mother to two adult men. You pay for them and clean up after them?
In which way is any of this relationship benefiting you?
Also, go google ‘financial mistreatment’ because that is probably what is happening to you. This kind of person always escalates so it’s important to look into it because they only escalate more when they feel they have you more trapped (move in, engaged, married, no job, with kids, etc).
You know something is wrong which is why you are reaching out. Now they’re manipulating you by claiming you have bad manners when you just want basic decency.
NTJ” Dontdrinkthecoffee
Another User Comments:
“I’m guessing this is a situation where you guys just really needed a place and his dad’s was the best option, with all the caveats like chores and bill share.
I feel you for not liking the thank yous, but as for being a jerk or not, it’s trickier. You are NOT the jerk for being annoyed at the amount of stuff you have to do or specifically the way you are being told to do it.
Chores are supposed to be shared but some people suck and take advantage.
However, you ARE the jerk for being annoyed at the thank yous. I know because I do this all the time, and it’s really just being annoyed about the first part all over again and resenting that they got you to do what they wanted and in such a crappy way.
I’d set a timeline though, if you guys can’t move out together by a certain point in the future then cut your losses and go somewhere by yourself.” fredator23
13. AITJ For Asking My Roommate To Rehome Her Dog?
“I (24m) have lived with my 3 roommates (all 24f) for 2 years and it’s been great, but 3 months ago my roommate, Kate, asked us if she could bring in a dog into the mix.
We all agreed as long as she found a dog that was cool with cats since I and the two other roommates each have a cat. Kate agreed and then one day she came home with Dude.
The dude is probably 60 pounds and is very handsome. He’s a rescue and got along with the cats wonderfully, but apparently, he also doesn’t like men. Kate told me that the shelter workers said he was ‘somewhat cautious’ of men.
I was pretty confused because, um Kate ahem, I’m a man. A gay man, but a 6 ft man nonetheless. She figured Dude would warm up to me after a while.
He did not. The dude was not ‘somewhat cautious’ of me. The dude considered me public enemy number one. He would growl and bark and I swear I couldn’t walk anyway near any of my female roommates without him jumping to their ‘defense’.
It was very sad, but I kept my distance to let him slowly get used to me, and Kate swore she was working on it.
We both worked with him, but he still just could not stand me.
I can’t get into the extent of how much he disliked me because this would get flagged, but he could be scary. It was sad too because I knew he didn’t “hate” me, he is afraid of me because of things that happened to him in his past, and that isn’t his fault.
Recently, however, there was a bit of an incident where Dude tried to physically come after me, and I narrowly avoided it. After this, I decided I really didn’t want to live like this anymore.
I know 3 months isn’t a lot of time for training a dog, but there really had been no change whatsoever. I really didn’t want to move after 2 years and I love all my roommates, so I asked Kate if there was any way Dude could be rehomed.
Kate doesn’t want to re-home him, which is understandable, and asked for at least another 3 months. I considered it, but I really don’t want another incident with Dude to occur.
My other roommates back me up, and although we are all sad, they too agree that Dude may need to go.
Kate is mad at all of us, and I understand why, but I also don’t think I’m entirely in the wrong to ask this of her.
Edit: wanted to give some more context on why Kate is reluctant to re-home Dude. He was at the shelter for a very long time and had trouble getting adopted. He’s an old boy, estimated around 7, and she’s worried he won’t be able to find another forever home if she takes him back.
She would have to take him back to the shelter because she is under contract to do so. Like I said, the Dude is a great boy otherwise, gets along well with the girls and cats, but not with me, unfortunately.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. The dog is dangerous not just to you but to all other guys until he passes. Relationships? Forget about it for the next 7 years.
Trust me I understand scary dogs from working in vet clinics. They are a lot stronger and faster than you realize because dogs are so gentle. Like some others have suggested, take them to get professional help from a reputable trainer as a final effort before rehoming the dog.
If this doesn’t work or your Roommate isn’t willing, it’s time to rehome. If she still insists on endangering you and other men that live in those apartments to a possible mauling I would honestly take it up with either the apartments themselves or animal control.
I don’t think it will come to this and I sure hope it won’t because it could end very badly for a poor dog who is absolutely the second victim in this situation but it will surely save a lot of pain later if he were to maul you (think losing an arm, hand, or major f****l damage) or someone else (dogs situation would still end very badly in this case too).
Also like some have suggested and if you haven’t tried yet, feed him regularly and sit near him while he eats. Feed him and sit at a certain distance he is comfortable with and don’t move.
Each time gets a little closer as he accepts but be sure to not suddenly move. Even feeding him in his kennel and sitting next to it until he eats his food will help a lot.
Giving treats as he allows can help too if you haven’t tried yet.
One last thing, dogs can sense when you are tense. It makes them more cautious because they don’t always know what the tenseness will lead to just like when you can sense they are tense and cautious.
Maybe he sees you the same way you see him? Overly cautious of him same as he is cautious of you. Simply relaxing around dogs same as you would do around new cats can help a lot with trust.
I hope I help and I really hope for the best for you and the pup.” Oakheart-
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – if the dog was traumatized in his past and really frightened of men then it’s nothing short of cruel to adopt him into a home where he needs to face his fears every day, and that’s before considering the danger to yourself in being around him.
Some nervous/anxious dogs can be trained and acclimatized to dealing with their triggers but some can’t, and it’s irresponsible to assume that time will fix this or that it can be fixed. Kate is understandably defensive about her pet but she needs to understand that the dog can’t live where you do, meaning that either the dog goes or she and the dog both move out.
She also needs to consider whether she is reasonably able to manage her dog’s behavior adequately out in public as well – if she can’t keep him from attacking you at home where doors can be closed and so on, all it would take would be one incident where he was off leash or pulled her off her feet and then he’d likely be destroyed for attacking a man in the street/park because she isn’t able to restrain him adequately.
Reactive dogs can be really rewarding to care for and train but they are a long-term, very serious commitment and she really needs to understand that it’s going to take much, much more than just giving him time to adjust – and that there will need to be sacrificed on her part in terms of time, living arrangements and social activities.
if she usually dates men, for example, she might never be able to live with or even have over for visits any potential partners for several years if she decides to keep this dog.
It seems like she’s being very loving and sentimental about him but not very realistic about what she’s taking on.” redcore4
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
No jerks yet, but if Kate hasn’t already she should look into professional training or getting Dude a crate to chill in – is there a way for Kate to take safety measures that could help?
Maybe a harness on Dude that she can quickly grab if he seems to be agitated, or a muzzle while he’s in shared areas to prevent bites? even a crate to put him in if she needs to go somewhere for a bit, just so you can walk around without worry?
It’s 100% understandable that you want to avoid further incidents, but also understandable that Kate is hesitant to return Dude to the shelter. A professional trainer and some safety measures may be able to help if Kate is willing to try them and if they would make you feel safe enough to have him around a little longer.
Also, the people saying Kate must have lied to the shelter are kind of jumping the gun – it may very well be that he was more nervous at the shelter and didn’t act out so openly there.
Does Dude have any known history of being mistreated by chance?” GenjisWife
Another User Comments:
“NTJ mainly because she is creating a stressful and dangerous living environment for you. It is reasonable for you to ask her to rehome the dog.
However, if you are wanting to try training for another 3 months, these would be my suggestions. Dude the dog needs to be taught to wear a muzzle. That means a lot of positive reinforcement and training to desensitize him to wearing one.
Alternatively, Dude needs to be kept on a leash indoors, and constantly supervised during this extended 3-month training period. She needs to take safety seriously and have control.
You need to be in charge of all feedings and treat-giving if you are able to get close at this point.
Can you walk Dude on a leash? If you can, you need to be taking him for walks. It is of utmost importance to show Dude that you are the giver of all things good in his world in order to change his previous perceptions.
I’m talking bacon, chicken, shredded cheese, peanut butter, sliced ham, or whatever he loves. Every time that dog sees you or interacts with you should be like winning the mega jackpot for him.
You may not be able to hand-feed him off the bat, but you should be able to toss yummy things across the room anytime you enter to first form that positive association.
This is just the first few steps. The road ahead will be tough and you will likely need the input of a professional trainer for specifics (like identifying and addressing the dog’s specific triggers when it comes to your interactions with your female roommates).
Only you can guess whether or not your roommate has the resilience to put in the serious training this dog needs to be successful. Fear aggression is no joke. Somebody could be seriously hurt.
It is also difficult because a successful training regime involves a lot of work and input on your end. They cannot do the training without you – everyone in the house has to be committed to making it work.
You would not be the jerk for not wanting to do the huge amount of work necessary.” Nosuperhuman
12. AITJ For Not Bonding With My Best Friend?
“I F (20) met my best friend M (30) on Xbox in December of last year. When we first met we instantly clicked and we talked for hours every day up until I decided to join the military.
He was previously in the military so he gave me pointers and what I should generally expect. I wrote him whenever I got a chance and he expressed through some of his letters that his mental health wasn’t doing so well since I had left (he had a panic attack on vacation from crowds of people and he felt alone), so I tried to assure him that once I was out of BMT (Basic Military Training) I would contact him more and be available when I could.
Once I got out of BMT it was back to normal for a bit, but I went into a six-month-long tech school that is very time demanding. I’m in school for 10 hours, afterward, we have physical training (about 30 mins), and then I have an hour to get things done before stores on base start to close.
So I have roughly 4 hours of free time if I’m not doing curfew.
I’ve been taking my free time for myself or I’ll call him/my family.
After school and between PT I would always try to text him and ask how he was doing but he would always send back dry replies. I figured this was bound to happen of us slowly growing apart and I had started to accept it.
On weekends I would set aside time while doing laundry or cleaning my dorm to talk or watch movies with him.
One day he blew up on me in the middle of the night about how I didn’t actually care about him and how I never try to get down to the truth behind his feelings.
I was stunned and I thought he was joking at first because we had just been hanging out the entire day watching anime. He said that he could always hear me talking while we were on the phone with my roommate and that I care more about her than him.
My roommate is going through her own struggles with her partner so I always try to be supportive of her and make sure she’s doing okay. After that we stopped talking for a while but then I reached out to him to see how he was doing.
He called me selfish and said that I should learn what the effects of my time spent with people do to others. I told him he needed to see a therapist for all the stress and problems he had in his life.
I really don’t know what went wrong.
I know everything about him and he knows everything about me but ever since BMT he’s been cold and I don’t know how to help him.
After the argument, I asked him to send back all my letters and I plan to send back the things he’s sent me. I don’t know if I’ve led him on from what I wrote in BMT about things going back to normal, and during my free time, I would deliberately ignore his texts because I was so stressed out and he always wanted to vent.
He was a handful and I don’t know if telling him he needed a therapist was tactful-but his problems were always building up and adding to my own stress.
I don’t know if I did the right thing.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First of all, he needs some other friends and a group that forms a support system, not you being the sole bearer of that responsibility.
He should be more understanding having previously been in the military, so it seems he has formed a dependency on you. You don’t need to talk to him every time you have free time, take some of that for yourself and other friends.
He is also quite a bit older which is concerning as you met when you were presumably 19. I don’t think you led him on in any way, but he most likely sees you as vulnerable and easily manipulated. That’s the reason why most older men go for younger women.
He DOES need therapy, and you’re not a jerk for suggesting that. I think everyone could benefit from therapy, some more than others.
If it were me (which it is not), I would end the friendship.
I’m seeing red flags all over the place. Do what you think would be best for you. I wish you luck!” rho2379
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If someone has an issue with you having a life outside of them, they aren’t your friend.
Friends support each others’ growth and interests, even if it means they are apart.
This guy is super toxic and you are right, he needs a therapist. He’s made you his whole world and that’s his problem.
You haven’t done anything wrong and should probably go low or no contact before things get worse. He’s not respecting your life, you don’t owe him anything more than you’ve already given him.” RetroBibliotecaria
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s too overbearing on you and needs to find other people to share his struggles with and who can help him. Also, you being 20 and him being 30 is a pretty massive age gap of maturity so maybe stay away from him a bit.
I’m not calling you immature but generally, a 30-year-old’s mind is different than a 20-year-old’s.” Silent-Jaguar-13
With this sort of thing he won't get well without working through things and getting to the root of the problems. Once he does he will do better. It's hard to deal with all of this with a friend or loved one. You might consider talking to someone where you are. They can help you build skills to work on how this effects you.
11. AITJ For Getting Frustrated With My Brother's Attitude?
“I live with my brother Jack (14M) and my parents and normally we all get along, but since my brother hit puberty I have been frustrated by some things he does, I understand that he is a teenager but honestly I did not do half of the things what he does
Sometimes I ask him to help me fold the clothes and he tells me that he will do it in a second but in reality, it may take between 20 minutes and 1 hour and by the time he arrives I will finish folding and storing the clothes in the rooms of all except some clothes that I leave him to fold and keep because I can’t tell if something belongs to my stepfather or my brother.
Other times I ask him if he helps me clean the garden, to hold my tools and pass me the ones I need if I have to fix something and wants to ‘help’ me he does it himself but he does it so badly or deliberately mishandles some tools and when I try to correct him and show him the correct way he just tells me ‘Thank you but I prefer my way is much better than yours’.
Another thing is that he has a bad habit of starting to bother me like slapping me hard on the back, grabbing my wrist and twisting it with how much force I can resist, etc.
They are things that he has been doing frequently lately and it is driving me crazy, even my mom who almost never says anything to him scold him because he was bothering me too much.
But in general, he behaves much better when my parents ask him to do something, it is with me that he usually does not listen to me although I ask him kindly if he could help me with something
Outside of that we usually get along well and since I was the only older sister figure that was with him longer than my older brother and sister, he is very sticky with me.
But lately, it’s these things that are already bothering me and I don’t want to explode and yell at him to stop being so immature.
So AITJ for being frustrated with his attitude or am I very exaggerated by his behavior?
PD: I’m thinking that maybe I’m exaggerating and this is the way boys his age behave today since when I was his age I had a more strict upbringing and my stepfather is conservative about it, he raised me and my sister to be young ladies (although it does not work well with me since I love tools and do manual tasks such as repairing furniture and motors).”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Beat him up, dude. If he wants to play pain games, turn them right back on the little psycho. He’s old enough to act like a decent human being and if he can get away with beating on women when he’s 14 and it’s his sister he’ll think it’s ok when he’s 40 and it’s his wife.” Cthulhus_Stepmom
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Waiting until you finish the job, or deliberately doing a bad job so that you will tell him to stop – that is a teenager’s action.
The slapping you in the back and grabbing your wrist with force is not. Sit him down and talk to him, find out what is going on, and let him know that hurting you is not the way he should be acting.” ceastwood1963
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Telling him how he should be using a tool the way you would use it isn’t really cool, but him being physical to ‘find out how much force (you) can resist’ is not right.
Full stop.
He’s intentionally trying to hurt you. This is not okay and needs to be stopped now.” Legion1117
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – Most of the stuff is common moody teenager stuff which is annoying but can be adjusted by parents by giving him sets of tasks or perhaps a family discussion on who does what & helping out another family member.
His violence that is just a nope – the parents better shut that one down!” Purple-Valuable-5245
She said the lady in question should scream as loudly as possible and when she had everyone's attention say "Oh I'm sorry! (Insert relatives name) startled me when he ...".
Jake is attempting to bully you. I bet you dollars to doughnuts he doesn't pull his crap around the parents.
Knock him in the nads.
10. AITJ For Feeding Stray Cats?
“A couple of months ago a tree fell in my yard which fell and crushed my neighbor’s fence. I’m in Florida which means her homeowner’s insurance covers damages. The tree is leaning on her house, but minimal damage was done to the house.
I can’t have my side taken care of until she takes care of her side, because if it caused more damage to her house then I would be liable for the damages.
Now the 5 years I have lived here I have always been feeding stray cats. If I can manage to catch them I will get them fixed and re-release them. Now my neighbor has a German Sheppard and since the fence has been crushed he has gotten loose a handful of times and goes chasing the stray cats.
She has to chase her dog around the neighborhood to get him.
I got a nasty text from her explaining the inconvenience of the tree falling and her dog getting loose chasing the stray cats that are being fed, and how it is illegal to feed stray cats in our county.
I replied with this is a mutual inconvenience for both of us, and we can’t do anything until your side of the property line is taken care of. I said there is also a leash law, and I appreciate it if you only text me about the tree.
She replied with it will be taken care of in a couple of weeks. It’s $3000 that I couldn’t give up right away. So AITJ for feeding the stray cats which is illegal?
I didn’t know it was illegal until she brought it up and then I looked it up to verify. I don’t think it’s my problem she can’t keep her dog under control, but maybe I’m in the wrong for attracting all the stray cats.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, feeding stray cats are a nuisance to the neighborhood. It’s why we moved from our last home. A neighbor a few doors down fed stray cats and they pooped all over my front yard.
It smelled like a litter box all the time, especially in the summer. Unless you have a litter box those cats are pooping all over your neighbor’s yards
This is your tree that fell.
You need to be taking the lead in handling this like a good neighbor. It’s a pain in the butt not to be able to let your dog out in the backyard.
You could offer to put up temporary fencing until she has the funds to take care of her part.” mrscellophaneflowers
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Dogs need to be controlled by their owners, either by leash or fence.
That’s not your problem no matter what. They can shove off with that.
Feeding stray animals is how you get pests in your neighborhood though, and other pet owners should be concerned about that.
Those stray cats can be carrying a ton of bad stuff, not to mention the havoc they’ll put down on the native bird population. People might also be selling their homes, and a herd of strays running around would be a negative there for the selling price.” a***********e
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your tree fell making her backyard no longer a safe enclosure for her dog, correct? Info: why isn’t your insurance covering this as the tree was your responsibility?
(A family member had a similar thing happen in Florida and it was their responsibility).
Additionally, omg please don’t feed the cats. There is a reason it’s illegal. For starters, you are unable to TNR (Trap-Neuter-Return) enough of them, and your feeding them contributes to 420,000 cats over 7 years from just one female, the majority of whom suffer and die at a young age.
But more importantly, feeding stray cats decimates local wildlife.
The reason your neighbor is especially miffed with the cat feeding is that they are HIGHLY likely to be bringing in fleas and tapeworm, which is easily transferable to her dog, and if she herself and her family want to walk around barefoot in their own backyard, the tapeworm is transferable to humans….
Please please stop.” User
I had a bunch of strays living under my house in town one time, maybe 5 or 6. The land owner of a huge vacant area by Walmart had big tractors come and mow it.
I was the only person for blocks that didn't get swarmed by mice. Strays under my house killed them.
Since feeding them is against the law, contact the place you've been getting them fixed and ask them how you should move forward. I suppose you could just call them all your cats...lol.
9. AITJ For Leaving Therapists Who Talks Negatively About My Soon-To-Be Ex-Husband?
“We have been separated for almost 6 months after 11 years together. I have been grieving the relationship hard, I’m stubborn, and admitting to myself that I’ve failed this relationship has been difficult.
Not being what makes your partner happy is a terrible feeling.
I’m also left with what I am coming to learn are pretty severe issues with my self-confidence/sense of self-worth.
I’ve talked to several therapists, however, as soon as they begin talking bad about my STBXH (Soon To Be Ex-Husband), explaining which of his actions contributed to my feelings, or digging into what his reasoning may have been I completely check out and don’t make another appointment.
I understand them asking questions, that makes total sense and I have no problem with it but I don’t want to hear negative things about him. I don’t want them to guess what his hormone levels or mental state were or be asked if he was a covert narcissist or be told I was emotionally manipulated. I don’t believe anything that could’ve had an impact was malicious, so I don’t think it matters.
I just want the focus on who I am now and how to change it. I don’t want to spend time placing blame on past versions of myself and people I’ve known, giving a one-sided picture of someone I love – that feels rude.
Am I completely missing the point of therapy? Is determining another person’s status/point of view that important? Am I too close to it and need to wait for therapy?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. If you aren’t comfortable with hearing certain things, then your therapist telling them to you isn’t helping. It’s natural to feel the way you do while going through a divorce and of course you’re still feeling a lot of things about your STBX.
But it does kind of sound like you want to put the blame 100% on yourself (‘I failed,’ ‘I couldn’t make him happy,’) and your therapists have been concerned about self-worth issues, so it does kind of make sense that they would ask you to consider that maybe the fault wasn’t just yours, and maybe the whole divorce is actually more of an ‘everyone sucks here’ or an NTJ situation.
I don’t think that’s a bad thing for them to bring up, but sometimes you just aren’t ready to hear a certain thing.” blinkingsandbeepings
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – BUT, being able to focus on who you are and changing things moving forwards, sometimes means understanding how past things have affected us.
I stayed in a toxic, cruel relationship for way too long and ended up in counseling. One day my counselor kind of badgered me about a phrase I kept using to describe my ex, and I got really irritated, but it led to me blurting out something about myself that I had never consciously acknowledged or addressed- that I tried to make people need me because I was afraid they wouldn’t want me.
I only tell you that detail because it was causing so many problems in my life. I tried to be everything to everyone because I didn’t trust that I was enough.
It was such an uncomfortable conversation but – and I’m aware that this sounds dramatic – it changed my life. It changed the way I saw myself and I had somewhere to start rebuilding.
I know that it’s not comfortable hearing people pick through something that was so important to you, but sometimes people on the outside can offer a perspective that we could never have seen.
For what it’s worth – in those conversations, they’re not always trying to say ‘everything was his fault – he’s a monster’ – they’re just trying to shine a light on things you may have missed at the time.
Ways situations could have been better managed, possible issues that you shy away from and may need to be more upfront with in the future, even alert you to innocent behaviors that trigger something for you nonetheless.
They also sometimes need to point out another person’s bad behavior so that you don’t go through your life feeling like certain problems were somehow your fault.
Is it possible that maybe it’s just a bit too raw for you to talk about right now?
Maybe you need a little more time?” Cha_r_ley
Another User Comments:
“The only part I would see that you might be the jerk is not standing up to a therapist and letting them know that that is something that you need to put a pin in and discuss later on in therapy because right now you are not open to that and it’s counterproductive to the rest of your therapy or coming.
What you want to do is help direct your own therapy by letting him know that this is not a topic that you want right now.
Some may see it as avoidance but if you come to them letting them know hey can we put a pin in this I’m not open to it right now can we save this for a later date when I think I will be more open for it?
These are the things I would like to focus on. What can we do about these? And possibly you know let him know hey can you remind me in 6 months about the other topic or hey can you give me a year.
Figure out what you would think would be a good timeline and please be open and talk with them. This is a two-way street and if you’re not going to be comfortable talking to them about what you are comfortable going over or not it’s going to be really hard to continue.
So please keep going but definitely have a discussion with them about what you want to focus on.” boiledpenny
Therapists aren't trash talking your ex, they're clarifying his contribution to the breakdown of the marriage.
You seem content to take 100% of the blame. But it takes two to make or break a marriage.
You need to look at his behavior, and your reaction to it, to move on.
8. AITJ For Cutting My Mother-In-Law Off?
“I (29F) have been with my (27M) fiancé for 3 years and we share a 1-year-old daughter. Both of our families are pretty close as I live in a small town and we live a few houses away from each other.
The first year of our relationship was good his mom seemed nice to me despite all the stories I’ve heard about her from her other daughter-in-law. I didn’t want their negative experiences to impact my relationship because I thought I could manage it differently… Well, boy was I wrong.
Over the last two years, my MIL has bad-talked me to the neighbors and even my parents saying I have changed her son for the worse and becauSe of me he never does anything for her (which is a lie, he tends to his mother at some point every day at the time).
All the neighbors know she’s lying and nobody likes her but they all keep the peace for the community. While I was pregnant she even sent my fiancé on an errand and came to confront me saying my fiancé won’t be with me long and that I’m getting in the way of him being there for her.
This was the first time she visited me during my pregnancy and we only live a few houses away.
The conversation got a little hostile and ended with me kicking her out because she was stressing me out.
I ended up going into labor that same day. When we all had a sit down after she tried to deny any fault and we boiled it down to bad communication on my fiancé’s part.
She assumed his bad attitude towards doing things for her was because of me when it was really because he is tired of his mother trying to demand all his time.
Fast forward to my daughter being here and my MIL is back to spreading the same lies about me ruining her and her son’s relationship and how I don’t let him do anything for her and even told my fiancé she’d be better off if she is gone because nobody cares about her.
Meanwhile, she has no issue asking me for things, which I usually do or get for her. When I confronted her about the negative comments she denied any of it even though once again she said it to my parents!
I told my fiancé I am not comfortable with his mom being around my daughter because she is just so negative and toxic and I don’t want my child around anyone that will speak badly about their parents.
Despite this, I try to be cordial but recently she has been lying about things involving my fiancé to make him look bad like he doesn’t want to do things for her.
now my fiancé is really seeing her manipulative ways and has been pulling back from her and standing up for himself. I can see the things she does hurt him and I no longer want to engage with her.
I truly believe she’s a disgusting person and I will keep her in my prayers but I do not want a relationship with her. Nor do I want her to have one with my child.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
My husband comes from a completely toxic and unhealthily enmeshed family. I empathize with you terribly, and I’m sorry you are having to deal with this.
I’m still figuring out how to navigate this situation myself, but the advice I continue to hear is to make sure that all serious discussions are from your spouse, NOT you.
I do think you can tell your husband that you’re no longer comfortable interacting with his mother. Just start distancing yourself immediately. If she asks him, he needs to have the nerve to tell her WHY you’re uncomfortable and that it’s better for you two to just be cordial when necessary and there’s no reason for a deeper relationship than that.
Just start not showing up to things. Just be too busy and let him deal with the fallout. I know it sounds rough, but she’s put you and your husband in this position.
He’s going to have to bear the weight of it – it’s his family. You and your child are (and should be) his priority.
She will reap what she sows.
Life is too short to spend it with people who make you unhappy.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If I were you, I’d save up some funds for a few years to buy a new house at least 2 hours+ drive away from her.
It’s amazing the wonders physical distance can do for reducing contact with toxic family members.
I live two states away from my father. I haven’t seen or heard from him in 25 years and I couldn’t be happier without him in my life.
It was very liberating the day I moved away. I felt a huge weight just lift from my shoulders and my mental health improved dramatically.
At the end of the day, you do what’s best for your mental health and your child’s well-being.
Don’t give this toxic MIL the time of day.” depressivedarling
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The MIL sounds controlling, you see that but your husband doesn’t. I agree you should set some limits/barriers with her, including no communication.
Also seems like everyone else understands she’s bad news. You’ll never be ‘rid of her’ since she’s still the mom of your spouse, but putting limits seems quite healthy.” kipdingo
7. AITJ For Not Accepting My Dad's Gifts?
“My dad is a chronic over-gifter.
Historically, I can’t complain. I have usually been spoiled at Christmas, and I am incredibly grateful.
I’m 32 (F). I’m not a kid, I don’t need or want to be spoiled, but I know my dad, so usually every year when he asks what I want, I throw out some vague subject that I know he can go overboard on.
It makes him happy. This year I said I wanted a turntable. He had a huge record collection that he meant to give to me and my brother, but it was stolen 10 or so years ago so I figured he’d latch onto that.
My brother (29) and his wife bought a house last year and asked for some tools and a toolbox. (I should note, my dad owns a construction company, and both my brother and I work for him).
Christmas Eve rolls around and my brother and I open the same gifts. A Milwaukee circular saw, hacksaw, oscillating multi-tool & large (like at least 3 ft tall) toolboxes to store them in.
Now, I’m single, and rent an apartment with a roommate. Not only do I not need or want these tools, but I also have nowhere to put them. I said this to my dad as I opened them and he told me I could put them in my basement (which I share with 4 other tenants).
I then said I don’t need them, I have a landlord (not to mention, we own a construction company, I have access to any tool I need if I need it), and he told me he wants his daughter to be set up for anything she needs.
I do not build things. I run the financials of our company and have never expressed any interest in DIY, or construction itself. Even if I did own a house, I would never use these tools.
I would call him, or my brother, or hire someone before doing it myself.
I am a feminist in every aspect and appreciate the sentiment behind it, but my version of feminism is knowing I could use these too, and respecting the fact that I don’t want to.
Long story short, I refused to put the gifts in my car, claiming I didn’t have space & haven’t seen my dad since Christmas. I’ll be seeing him Monday and will have to decide then what to do with the tools, so… AITJ for refusing to accept them?”
Another User Comments:
“Wow. Not only did he get tools, but he got MILWAUKEES. Those are super expensive.
The thing is (as you know), feminism doesn’t mean You Do Everything A Man Does; it means you CAN do everything a man CAN do.
You’re not beholden to every ‘duty’ and hobby and habit generally associated with masculine traits.
So, he’s put you into a pretty difficult situation. They’re fantastic gifts… just not fantastic for YOU.
No one can say he didn’t go all out – but it’s almost like he’s buying them so that the price tag shows how much he cares, rather than getting something tailored to your own likes and dislikes.
My advice: focus on the point you made about how if you needed tool work, you would call him for help. I think you can avoid a lot of tears if that gets spun the right way: ‘Why would I need these things when I’ve got my dad, who can do everything?’ Here’s a possibility: ask him to make you something.
I don’t mean something big (you’re in an apartment, after all), but something that takes time to make. Like… an end table made with nice hardwoods or a thing for the kitchen with a really fine look.
NTJ. Dad’s a bit tone-deaf, I think, but at least he cares. I hope this all works out for you.” FerroMancer
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. Dads are mad weird about gifts sometimes because they really like practicality.
So probably thought I am making it so that my daughter can do this thing for herself and she won’t need me or anyone else and for the most part in terms of gifts we were all raised that it’s the thought that counts so he had good intentions I wouldn’t refuse the gift but I would take it and put it in a storage unit somewhere on the off chance that I just might need it and if you never do then it’ll be more of a sentiment one day, years from now when he can’t give you more gifts.” ZOE_XCII
6. WIBTJ If I Don't Return The Doll My Friend Gave Me?
“So two years ago my friend (I’ll call her Grace) gave me her two American dolls from her childhood. Even as kids she was never huge on them, but I was and still am.
She figured they’d get more love at my house than they would sit in a box in storage at hers. Her mom had no issue with her giving them to me.
But now she’s demanding them back so Grace’s future kids can have them. I’m willing to give 1/2 back. I’ve gotten extremely attached to the other one, I don’t want to give it back.
Her mother bought these for her over 10 years ago now, and while yes she bought them, they were Grace’s possessions. Grace is an adult now, and was also an adult when she gave them to me.
So I think it’s fair to say she knew giving someone something meant you don’t get it back, and that she was able to make that choice.
I’m willing to give back the one that was her ‘look alike’ doll, and all the clothes and accessories she gave me.
But I don’t want to give up the other one. It was my dream doll as a kid and I was always jealous of Grace for having it. I understand her mom wants the future kids to have these, but they were given to me instead.
Grace has even said she doesn’t care, she only wants them returned so her mom will get off her back. I offered to give all but one doll, but she said that won’t be acceptable.
WIBTJ for standing my ground and refusing to give her mom the doll I’m attached to?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The dolls were never her property, they were her daughter’s.
Her daughter decided that they were to be passed on to you. The mom doesn’t get to choose who owns items that never belonged to her or held meaning to her.
American Girl dolls are still very much a thing, and if her mom wants the kids to have their own, she can buy them ones they can actually play with without worrying about damaging a model that’s not made anymore.” TinyRascalSaurus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your friend doesn’t want to store the dolls now. There is no guarantee your friend will ever have kids and if she does there is no guarantee these hypothetical children will want the dolls either.
It will be 7 to 8 years at a minimum if your friend is currently expecting to end up with a child who would even be capable of handling the dolls.
I suggest you google the worth of the dolls as a collector’s item.
Either your friend’s mom has some baby rabies or the dolls have a good resale value.
Alternately you could tell her mom she can have the one doll you love back (for sentimental reasons) as a set if she finds you another of that exact doll in the same condition.” StarshineSoul
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You were gifted the dolls and at the time the mom didn’t care. She doesn’t get to turn around and take back the gift. If she tried to do this with anything else, I think people would laugh the skin right off her a*$.
I mean what would she do if you had gotten rid of the dolls? Or had gifted them to a younger family member?
Also, is ‘Grace’ expecting children any time soon?
Unless she is pregnant, it’s weird to me that the mom suddenly wants them back. I mean do they have any kind of monetary value? I know in another comment you said they weren’t worth much, but this situation makes me wonder.
Why the seemingly sudden change of heart?
And would Grace’s kids even be interested in these dolls? I mean from my own experience if the parents don’t have a huge interest, it typically then isn’t in the house and the kids probably don’t care.
Example: my parents are not huge into sports. Growing up we never watched professional sports and while played them, they were never a huge focus. So, I have no love of sports.
I like to play a little, but that is about it. However, reading was huge and I love to read. So, I would venture a guess that if Grace doesn’t care, neither will her kids.
I think it is very generous of you to offer the one doll and all the bells and whistles that they came with. If the mom won’t take that, then shrug and say you’ll keep both.
All in all, the mother sounds entitled. Her daughter didn’t even care about the dolls and up until recently neither did she. Seems like a weird thing to try and make a family heirloom.” MrzCrainzz
5. AITJ For Saying My Sister-In-Law Is A Spoiled Brat?
“I (25f) and my partner H (29m) have a daughter (2f) who was unplanned, and conceived before H and I were a couple.
For context, we both have student debt, were not actively financially preparing for a baby, and we both recently had to purchase new cars. We live in a walk-up apartment with our dog and cat.
It’s a bit cramped, especially since I work from home, but we make it work and have been saving like crazy to buy a house. SIL (26f) lives at home with FIL and is lined up to take over their semi-lucrative family business.
H has not always had the best relationship with FIL (due to his own mistakes) and was cut off financially long before we even met. FIL spoils our daughter rotten but does not help us out with bills or anything finance related (which is NOT a problem – I would much rather be financially independent, just relevant for context).
SIL, on the other hand, has no debt, brand new cars whenever she inevitably wrecks the one she has on the way home from the bar, and no rent or bills to pay.
She and FIL also have their share of squabbles, so she ends up at our place quite a bit.
Recently, SIL was over, and not in a great mood, so I suggested we take my daughter and the dog for a walk.
While we were taking the stroller, toddler, and dog down our narrow staircase, SIL started to whine about how it would be so much easier for everyone if we had our own house, which is something she has said several times before.
I replied that we were working on it, but she kept going, saying that it would be so much better for the baby and the dog, and then we could host family gatherings, etc. at this point, I got a bit short with her and reminded her that we recently had to purchase two new cars, and it’s hard to save with a baby and student loans.
She then commented that ‘those are all problems you two made yourselves.’ This is where I think I may have been the jerk – I told her that since her brother wasn’t spoiled rotten like she was, we have to pay for things on our own.
And that we had to purchase new cars because ours both had broken down, not because we got wasted and wrecked them. I then told her she sounded like a spoiled brat and that she had no clue what real life was like since she just runs back to daddy’s finances every time.
She looked hurt and left right away.
When H came home from work, I told him about it, and he called her to talk it through. She told him that he had ruined his life by knocking me up and that I was ungrateful for his family and their help.
This hurt me deeply, as she has often been my confidant and person to lean on for help with my daughter, and her niece. I feel terrible for snapping at her, but she has continuously made comments about us not being able to afford a house when she knows we are trying and are not privy to the same financial assistance that she has.
So, AITJ for snapping at her first and starting the whole argument?”
Another User Comments:
“You and H need to have a conversation with your SIL – sort of the financial birds and the bees, abridged version.
Whining and badgering you two to just get a house already is hardly useful (if only we could go ‘now why didn’t I think of that?! You’re right, we’ll buy one tomorrow!’).
It seems she really doesn’t understand reality.
Given how often she’s over and the fact that you seem to have had a good relationship otherwise (despite your asides about her financially), maybe she’ll want to use some of FIL’s generosity and purchase the house with you.
NTJ.” ParsimoniousSalad
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and sound insanely jealous like you wish you could run back to daddy’s fianaces too.
You partnered up with a guy who got cut out of the opportunity to have daddy’s fianaces and had a baby with him before you two were financially able.
She didn’t attack you just said something you already knew so you pounced and unleashed your built-up jealousy.
It’s funny you say she’s your confidant and person to lean on all while clearly judging her and thinking everything you said to her.
You need to do some serious soul-searching and stop with the judgment and jealousy.
The majority of the population has college debt, can’t afford the house they’d like to have, car troubles and very few people are financially ready for children.
Sounds like your child is loved and cared for by your in-law family and I’d think that if you kept saying stuff as you said and behaving like you did you’re going to strain that relationship too.” ChaosNHamHam
4. AITJ For Threatening My Narcissistic Parents That I'm Not Going To Be My Sister's Guardian?
“I (30f) have been the family scapegoat my entire life and finally had the courage to cut off/go no-contact with my emotionally narcissistic family last year. Tried low contact for almost a decade, my mental health was suffering with their constant gaslighting and scolding me for behaviors that they committed on the routine (there’s a different set of rules for me and them), and I couldn’t take it anymore.
It wasn’t an easy decision but I did what I had to do to maintain my sanity.
I am a high-class call girl/escort, I love my job, I’m not on illegal substances, I’ve never had an STD in my life and I am not trafficked. I’m even in a relationship with a wonderful and supportive man who knew everything from day one, other than my family life has been good.
I have kept this hidden from my family because they’re religious wingnuts who don’t follow a lot of their own rules.
Because I refused their Xmas invite they decided to go snooping around on the internet and found out about my work.
I received horrible verbal mistreatment as a result and my father even threatened to call the cops (I live in the US) and to call my apartment complex/management if I didn’t quit immediately and move back in with them(I have moved out of state since going no-contact and didn’t give him my new address but it could be found with enough digging), I will live under a bridge before I ever go back to them!
I told him if he pulls any such stunt that I will not do anything for my autistic sister after he and my mom passed away and that I don’t care if I go to jail for the rest of my life, I will live under a bridge before I ever go back to them, and that she will become a ward of the state (my other non-disabled sister who’s the golden child was seriously coddled her whole life and is too irresponsible with finances which is why they chose me as the guardian, plus she’s the golden child so she’s more entitled to a normal life than I am), or be at the mercy of GC sister (who will no doubt squander the fund meant for autistic sister).
My autistic sister is in a group home so I wouldn’t have to do physical care, but they’d want me to be a legal guardian, manage finances and make medical decisions, etc.
In actuality, I will still be a guardian no matter what (unless she passes before my parents do), but I wanted to put the fear of the devil into my narcissistic parents.
I also may retire within the next couple of years and start up my own business as my partner is wealthy and would be able to comfortably support us both while the business starts up (but I’m waiting because now is a terrible time to try and open a new business, waiting for better economic climate).
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Your parents are bigger jerks here but you’re a soft jerk. Don’t use your sister to make them try to behave it’s the same as them using your job to make you try to behave and do what they want, but maybe narcissists need ultimatums. I’m not exactly sure on this one I thought I was.
Anyway if you have already done this and it’s worked then proceed. Also as much as this sucks, is there a way that you can block people’s access to your online activity?
I’m not sure how it works so that’s why I ask. I would for sure go back to no-contact though.” ZOE_XCII
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! So NTJ at all.
Your parents are controlling. I’m glad that you got out of that situation and are doing well for yourself.
To say that you won’t be your sister’s guardian after they are gone if they keep up with this kind of treatment, is you stating the consequences of their actions, even if you were only doing it to scare them.
Also, not sure how laws are in their state but could they not just set up a trust and stipulate that all finances taken out will go towards the living arrangements of your sister with autism?
That way even if your other sister is executer, she won’t be able to squander the funds.” sabretoothsaban
Another User Comment:
“Everyone sucks here.
Obviously, your parents.
But punishing your disabled sister for your parents’ wrongdoings is a jerk move.
And even if you are, eventually, her guardian, the uncertainty and fear it causes for her if you use the guardianship as a pawn in your disagreements with your parents is unfair to her – she needs certainty in her life that she will be cared for.
If anything, if you genuinely intended to take the guardianship, I’d suggest you work and take guardianship sooner so that both of you can get away from your parents’ nonsense.
Deal with your parents directly, but don’t add to your sister’s uncertainty about her future by using her, and the guardianship, in this conflict.
For reference, I have worked my entire life with disabled adults, including years in group homes for developmentally disabled adults.
Even with quite severe developmental and intellectual disabilities, people were aware of who was caring for them, and knew and were affectionate with their guardians. Don’t think that because your sister is disabled she isn’t aware that you’re threatening to abandon her.
She’ll have at least some awareness that you and your parents are in conflict and that she’s less secure because of this. The exact amount of awareness dependent on her specific disability, of course.” Jazzlike_Humor3340
3. AITJ For Not Telling My Son About His Dad?
“Years ago I was in a relationship and the only good thing that came out of that relationship was my son.
I am from the Middle East (olive skin) and my son looks nothing like me, he looks almost like the guy I dated (blonde and blue eyes). The guy I am engaged to also has black hair and brown eyes.
He is now a bit older (4 years old, will be 5 in a few months) and often comes home saying things like his friends asking why does he not look like his mom.
The one thing that absolutely broke my heart was tonight while I was tucking him in bed, he held my hand and asked why does he not look like me (pointing to the difference in our skin color) My fiancé, who has been with me since my son was just a few months old, has always told him that he is his dad.
I am not sure if I will ever have to tell him about his birth father (who wasn’t even mentioned on the birth certificate), but I assume as he grows older he will ask more questions.
To be honest, I don’t even know if I want my son to know about this guy. What if he contacts him in a few years? Am I a jerk for keeping this from my son?
My fiancé disagrees! My family is in a different state and we aren’t on great terms just because of my son, since I had him out of wedlock and they never knew about him until after.
They love him to death, me not so much!”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, it’s one thing to lie to your child about the existence of gnomes in the garden, but to lie to a child about WHO HE IS is way too far.
Your child will very rightfully develop serious trust issues with you if you keep this up. It’s early enough that you can still come clean without him resenting you for lying for so many years but you are running out of time FAST.
Don’t make the problems you had with your ex your child’s problem. That isn’t his responsibility, it’s yours.” CopsaLau
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, but you’re going to have to tell your son eventually, and sooner is probably better than later.
You don’t mention how old your son is, but he’s old enough to notice that there’s a significant difference in how he looks versus how you and your fiance look, he knows that others are noticing, and he’s going to figure it out sooner or later.
He’s probably got more than an inkling already. And he will have the right to know his parentage at some point anyway. So your best bet at this point is to talk to a therapist about how best to approach this with your son.
Best of luck to you.” SodaButteWolf
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, your son has a right to know about his biological father – please don’t lie to your child, or he’ll never trust you again when he finds out and he will find out.
This isn’t something you can hide or ignore.
The biological father has parental responsibilities too, he should be informed. It’s best this all be communicated and dealt with before you’re pushed or forced to.
The longer it goes on, the worse it will be.” ILikeFloofyClouds
2. AITJ For The Way I Spoke To My Parents?
“I’m a college student home for winter break. My sister, parents, and I went out to eat for a New Year’s dinner at a restaurant.
The topic made it onto mental health (something I tend to avoid since usually, it starts from them making fun of how sensitive this generation is), and it seemed like they were talking about it in a more positive light.
My mom asked me if I had any mental health conditions that she didn’t know about. She genuinely does care, and I want her to know about how my mental health is going.
Whenever I mention anything though, both my parents are quick to deny or trivialize it. Since the conversation felt positive, I thought now would be a good time to bring up that I might have OCD as suggested by my neurologist. I had mentioned it a few weeks ago, but she shot it down with an ‘I know you, I know what OCD is, and you don’t have that’.
I left it at that and tried to forget the conversation ever happened.
She just nodded and my dad stayed silent. I could have left it at that, but that last interaction when I first mentioned OCD had been bugging me for weeks.
I pressed on and asked them why they didn’t believe me the first time, to which they answered again that they know what OCD is and that it’s not something I’ve ever shown.
I asked them what they think OCD is and said that it’s when a person is overly organized and in need of order. I told them that that was outdated and that today’s time uses a new definition from the DSM-5.
They told me how they went to med school (not for neuro/psych) in the 90s and were more familiar with the DSM-3, and that it would make sense that the DSM would be updated at that time.
I finally said, ‘if you weren’t sure what OCD was, why were you so quick to disregard the fact that I might have it?’. My dad told me how he would never have been able to talk to his parents like that and that I should be ashamed of myself.
My mom said that my tone of voice was extremely disrespectful and that I was treating them like my friends rather than my parents. We emigrated from the Philippines, and there is a stark cultural line of respect between parent and child.
My dad told me to apologize to my mom because I really hurt her with what I said. I told them it was an honest question and that they had in fact hurt me by being so adamant about denying I might have OCD.
I told them I didn’t know how else to ask the question because that’s what I wanted to know. They told me that in any case, I shouldn’t talk to my parents like that and to apologize.
I kept thinking about what I did wrong, but my dad cut my train of thought off by telling me to stop thinking and to just apologize because I had really hurt my mom.
I did just to end the conversation, and that was that.
I talked to my sister afterward, who had witnessed the whole thing go down. She told me that even though I might have been harsh, I said what I should have said.”
Another User Comments:
“I think you’re a little jerk on this one. You wanted to know why they didn’t believe you, yes? Well, that’s not what you said. You heavily implied they have no knowledge of the subject, which is untrue, and the question wasn’t really a question, it was a statement in disguise.
You weren’t asking why they didn’t believe you, you were shaming them for not.
Normally I would say everyone sucks, but your question is about this particular incident at dinner at which your parents were both trying to take a more supportive stance on your mental health.
For that reason, I think YTJ.” armchairshrink99
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you asked a question of them AND you asked it politely. They’re lashing out because they feel embarrassed that the question has highlighted an area of their ignorance.
You could have reacted in a much more hostile way. You could have just never addressed it again. You did the far more mature thing.” Cha_r_ley
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It sounds like your parents were admitting they were wrong and trying to do better. While being hurt and frustrated by their previous actions is reasonable, you may have shamed them for trying.
It might not lead to them going out on a limb again. It would have been better to say something more like ‘I appreciate you saying that because your not believing me really hurt and I’m so glad you are willing to learn new things and think it will help us grow closer.’ Still give them the info that you were hurt, but praise the efforts they are making.
Good luck with your mental health and family.” stephanielmayes
1. AITJ For Not Being Supportive Of My Partner's Life Decisions?
“So me (f20) and my partner (m29) have been together for about a year and seeing each other for two.
Throughout the first year we knew each other he would sometimes spend time doing contract EMT (emergency medical technician) work around our state, being gone for a few months at a time.
We handled it okay, with our fair amount of arguments and such, as well as lots of good times spent in between his contracts. Over the last year, we have both been in school and such in 2020, spending a lot more time together, and getting closer.
He is my first relationship so I can see where I’m a little more emotionally involved than he is since this is his third serious relationship.
Anyways, after this last semester ended, he accepted a contract pretty far away, which was supposed to only be a month long.
A week or two in he tells me that he’s being extended for another month, as well as what he has planned after this contract. This is where the problem is, he starts to tell me about a paramedic air force program that will have him join the military to do medical work, it requires him to go through two years of school, basic training, and deployment.
This isn’t something we have talked about before, in fact, his original plan was to go with me to university to finish school, so he could get his bachelor’s in nursing, while I got mine in art.
Now he’s completely changed up the next few years of our lives without hardly asking how I feel about it, or if it’s something I could do.
Recently we have been having a hard time over the phone almost every time we talk.
On my part, it’s about how this will be a lot of time apart for me, how suddenly he changed plans, as well as how I’ll be alone for those years he’s in the program.
On his part, he says that he’s doing this so that we’ll be set for the future, and that I need to be more supportive of his calling to join.
He says that he isn’t as emotionally dependent as I am, so I just need to deal with the time and distance if I love him and want to stay together.
He’s said before that if don’t start supporting him more that our relationship will fail, but I feel like I am trying my best to be supportive considering the limited time I’ve had to process the situation and consider if this is really what I want.
So am I the jerk for not being more supportive?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Honestly joining the military is a big and oftentimes destructive thing for couples. Especially out of the blue.
I myself went. My fiance went. Lots of my friends went. Lots went in with relationships and came out without them. Should he have consulted you about something this big if you’re serious together?
Yes. Does he have to? No. But it also means he shouldn’t tell you that if you love him you’ll wait the next 2-5 years for him. That’s not fair to you.
Especially if there are certain milestones you want to hit. Like graduating college. Getting married. Kids if that’s your thing. It’s not fair and it’s manipulative to go ‘well I’m gonna do whatever I want and you either love me or you don’t.
And if you do you’ll wait an unknown amount of time for me.’
You’re young. Go finish school. It’s fair to be hurt. And it’s fair to let go.
You’ll find someone different who will make things like this discussions and won’t try to make you feel guilty for being blindsided.” Swimming-Low-6895
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. He’s allowed to change his mind about his career, and yes, that is regardless of whether or not he wants to consult with you about it.
The most important person in a decision like that is the person it directly affects. It’s understandable that you aren’t 100% on board, as you had previously talked about a different future plan.
But you’re both young. You especially. Your careers could go anywhere. Your relationship could go anywhere. You can’t lock yourself into an arbitrary plan like that without giving yourselves any leeway.
So keep trying to be more supportive, and discuss with him a new, more flexible plan.” spacemonkeypantz
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
He is abandoning you for his new job. You are fine not to want that.
Consider if that is the relationship you want to have; He doing what he wants, and expecting you to cater to him. And since it is not, break up with him.
Find someone else that shares your expectations for a relationship and how you want your life to be.
You are fine not to want a relationship with an absent partner.
Your best option is probably to break up. HE changed the relationship from what you agreed on. You are fine not to accept that.
It is NOT your duty to be supportive.
It is your duty to build the life YOU want to have. He certainly is not supportive of YOUR future plans: He just does what he wants, and expects you to adapt to it, without any consideration for your wants and needs.” That_Contribution720
