People Hope We Give Them The Right Judgment Regarding Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
19. AITJ For Going On A Weekend Trip Alone?
“A little while ago I (29F) saw a discount flight to a nearby city. It was a 12-hour sale. I have friends in the city and immediately texted them to make plans, to which they agreed. I phoned my partner (31M), who I have been with for about a year (we don’t live together or share finances) if he wanted to come.
He told me that he could not afford it right now as things were tight and he had his daughter (4F, not mine) that same weekend. So I went without him.
My partner is furious with me. He said that since we have been together for a year and are getting more serious (I’ve met his daughter and family, and we are discussing moving in together next year) that we should make big decisions together and run weekend plans by each other.
He also really wanted to visit said city another time, maybe next year. I told him I would be more than happy to visit again next year since I have many friends there. I was gone for a weekend and spent my own money to visit my own friends, so I don’t see the issue.
I feel like he is being controlling and I did ask him to join me, but he views me as being a bad partner who does not function as a team.
So… AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You asked him, he couldn’t go, and you can go together later.
If he didn’t ask you then if you would stay home and do something with him and his daughter, then how were you supposed to know that’s what he wanted? It sounds to me like you did run your plans by him.
His saying he doesn’t want to go is not the same as saying that he’d prefer you not to go. You discussed it and he didn’t veto anything. He’s the one who didn’t communicate well here.” Illustrious-Shirt569
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You can be getting more serious all you want if don’t, give him the right to demand you run your weekend plans by him. Which you did anyway — you invited him to join you. He declined, understandably.
If he’s jealous, he needs to just say that. He might be feeling bitter that you didn’t stay at home with him and his daughter, and instead got to go explore a city with friends. I’d imagine that’s his real frustration.
But if he continues with this red flag behavior, run. If you feel controlled, then he’s controlling you. Run.” therenegadegoose
Another User Comments:
“DUMP THIS GUY. He is just looking for someone he can completely control, dump his kid on, and also sleep with.
Your independent thought and decision have interrupted all of this.
Next, to make sure you don’t continue to have money that fosters independence, he’ll be encouraging joint finances/moving in together. ‘To bring us closer.’
The smart ones wait to reveal this plan til after you move in or get married. Clearly, this bloke is not of that caliber, but he IS a manipulator.
NTJ BUT GET OUT NOW.” jennyfromtheeblock
18. AITJ For Not Wanting To Cook Additional Food On Thanksgiving?
“My parents relocated to where my family and I live a few years ago. My dad also brought my aunt and Grandma here, who live together there in their own apartment and never leave because of physical/mental health issues.
Because of these issues, my dad is the only person they’ll allow to visit. So he takes care of them and on holidays he’ll bring over a big meal.
Since my parents moved, my husband and I always host for family get-togethers.
This is mainly because my parents live in an apartment and don’t have the space, and they are also terrible cooks. This year for thanksgiving, instead of my dad doing his usual separate thing for my aunt and grandma, he asked me to make extra food for thanksgiving so that after we’re done eating, he can pack up a bunch of leftovers to take to them.
Now, if my husband and I were already cooking for a large group, I’d be more open to this. But we’re only cooking for 5 people, so to make enough leftovers for us to keep AND him to take, we’ll have to make at least a double of everything.
I told my dad I don’t want to do this and would like to keep things the way they’ve always been, where he takes care of it separately. Also bear in mind I’m pregnant, have a toddler, and run a business.
Whereas my dad is retired and has nothing but time on his hands to be able to handle this himself. Needless to say, when I said this to my dad, he definitely thinks I’m the jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, not yet anyway.
Your father should be comfortable asking you to put in a little more effort making more portions for family (assuming no bad b***d here), and you have every right to refuse (nicely).
There is potential for everyone being a jerk here.
The good news is you can mitigate that. There’s a middle ground, and here’s where you put your business/ negotiating skills to practice. Since your father has all the time in the world, why not ask him to come and support you either by babysitting or as an assistant?
Even ask him to bring in the extra ingredients necessary. I know what it’s like to cook big meals, and have an extra body there to grab the potatoes from the fridge, take Turkey out of the oven, run to the store to grab something you forgot, or stop little Johnny from breaking the Nintendo Switch is a HUGE DEAL.
Remember, just because you have the RIGHT to refuse, doesn’t necessarily mean you should. Seek the option where everyone wins.” social_engineer_osii
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t want to cook for a lot of people – which is reasonable due to time/money needs that would have to be met for that to happen, and you’re already cooking them thanksgiving dinner so they honestly have no right to ask an extra favor of you.
I’d just stick to your guns and make dinner as you originally planned (although be prepared for a potential argument as they may try to take the leftovers anyway).” Lexy_d_acnh
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You aren’t a jerk for not wanting to take on extra work.
You are being a bit of a jerk for not wanting to provide two plates of food to go for your Aunt and Grandma who suffer from some disability. It isn’t that they are too lazy to attend or don’t like you.
You said that you would have to cook double which is inaccurate for two additional servings. Grocery stores and some restaurants sell pre-cooked Thanksgiving meals to go, so that is another option if it is affordable for them.
I just find it hard to grasp begrudging family a to-go plate.
I would not expect you to provide more than a dinner each. They may expect several days’ worth of leftovers, and I agree that would be too much to ask. Some Holiday spirit would be welcome here.” ContentedRecluse
Another User Comments:
“Would it be nice to do – yes? Are you obligated to do this – NO!
As you pointed out, it wouldn’t be making ‘just a little extra’ it would mean making double (?) of what you were planning on. (I’m willing to go with your math.
LOL.) Is your Dad willing to pay for the extra groceries this will result in? Is your Dad or Mom willing to help you in the kitchen preparing all this?
As you said, you are pregnant, have children, and are running a business – you already have a lot on your plate, so to speak.
Doubling your cooking and grocery bill for this holiday does not sound reasonable.
May I suggest your Dad order a small Thanksgiving dinner from your local grocery store for the other relatives? That way they have a Thanksgiving dinner AND they can have leftovers themselves.
But no, you are NTJ. Dad is being inconsiderate of your condition, time, and efforts.” 1moreKnife2theheart
17. AITJ For Telling My Partner What To Wear?
“We’re both in our mid-30s, have been together for about 7 months, and have no kids.
It’s only a recent problem as she wasn’t like this before.
Lately, she’s been wearing PJ bottoms, house slippers, and things like that outside. I’m not talking about sometimes or to the gas station, I’m talking about all of the time (except for work). When we go out to a restaurant, that’s what she wears.
When we go to the movies, she’s in her PJs. Browsing at the mall, same thing. I’m not a fashion icon, but I wear jeans or pants and overall dress like a grown man. The things she wears are more appropriate for a college-age girl, not a mid-30-year-old woman.
The other night I sat her down and told her I’m not going out in public with her unless she dressed in something else other than PJs. She argued that I can’t tell her what to wear. I told her I agree, as an adult, she has the right to wear whatever she wants to but I also have the right to be seen or not be seen with a woman who wears PJs to a restaurant.
She thinks that’s the same thing as telling her what to wear. She argues my right is taking over her rights. Obviously, we disagree.
Am I wrong?
Clarification: they’re actual PJ bottoms that came in a sleepwear set.
Her favorite is this fuzzy white cloud with cats PJ that’s too long so now the bottom is gray that won’t wash out.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You are both setting boundaries and facing the consequences of said boundaries.
You are completely right to decide that you will not go out with her when she’s in pajamas. She’s completely within her rights to decide she wants to wear pajamas all the time anyways.
The natural consequence of those boundaries is that you and your SO no longer spend any time together outside of your apartments.
Only the two of you can decide if that’s a relationship worth continuing but neither of you are jerks for these boundaries.” veni_vidi_dixi
Another User Comments:
“If she can’t act like an adult and can’t train herself to stop rolling out of bed and going into public looking like she is always ready at any given moment to go to sleep, tell her you’ll buy her a kinder mat so she can have something to sleep on since she’s obviously preparing for preschool again.
P.S. Seriously though. Break up. If she’s in her 30s and still hasn’t learned how to get dressed in the morning, this is your indication that this is not the only thing she’ll neglect in the future.
She’ll not only neglect herself. She’ll neglect you, your responsibilities, and any children if you have those too.
NTJ.” CyclonicHavoc
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. you are essentially telling her what to wear — you have created an ultimatum that she change her clothing choices to dress in ways that are not comfortable to her in order for you to continue being seen together.
that’s an ultimatum you’re allowed to have; it’s fair to have limits in a relationship, and if PJs in public are yours, then so be it. she’s also allowed to see that as an attempt to tell her what to wear because it is.
if she doesn’t like that/isn’t willing to change, and you’re not okay with being seen with her unless she dresses differently, you simply aren’t compatible.” weebslug
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you aren’t negging her, and you aren’t trying to control her entire wardrobe.
You are specifically saying that she can wear her loungewear out on her own time if she chooses, but not on an occasion where you are taking her out. That’s not you controlling what she’s wearing, that’s setting a dress code for your mutual activities.
And it’s something she has the power to do as well.” JCBashBash
16. AITJ For Saying My Friend's Emotional Responses Are Not My Responsibility?
“My friend has gone back and forth on wanting kids for years and ended up getting a hysterectomy. I got pregnant around the same time she was recovering from her surgery. I’ve been mindful about sharing details of my pregnancy with her, both to be respectful of her feelings and because any time I have shared with her, she often follows up on how much she hates pregnant people.
Her responses are usually negative or fake happy. I don’t want to discuss pregnancy stuff with her because of this. It’s nothing personal, it’s just difficult to navigate because she says she wants me to tell her ‘everything.’ She decided not to go to my baby shower because it would be too hard for her, and I completely understood and supported the decision.
A few weeks after this discussion, she asked me how pregnancy stuff was going and I told her we were having the shower in early November. She didn’t ask when and so I didn’t tell her. She responded to that conversation by saying something about how much she hates pregnant women.
About a week ago, while she was recovering from a recent surgery, she tried to call me and I texted her saying that I couldn’t talk on the phone but I could text intermittently because my husband and I were going through stuff from the baby shower and trying to get the nursery ready.
She went off on me for not telling her when we had the baby shower and accused me of ‘keeping things from her.’
At this point, I went off on her. For several years now I have been her main support person for everything and it has been exhausting.
I’ve been backing away from this role since I got pregnant because it’s just been too much to handle constantly being her main emotional support person, plus trying to deal with my own life. I said that it was ridiculous that she was accusing me of keeping things from her when she literally doesn’t even ask.
Her response to that was that I should just tell her everything. I went on to ask her why I would want to do that when her responses are so unpredictable. I reminded her that I told her at the very beginning, before I even got pregnant, that I was going to be very guarded about what kind of energy I expose myself to because I want to keep as calm and positive of an emotional state as I can while growing a child.
I reiterated that her expectation that I tell her everything is unreasonable, especially considering the way she consistently responds.
She hasn’t replied since I stood up for myself and keeps posting things on social media about how true friends are there for you even when it’s not convenient, believing people when they show you their true colors, etc. Now I’m starting to feel bad, even though I still stand by what I said because she’s going through a lot while recovering from surgery and I feel like I just slammed a reality check on her she probably wasn’t ready for it.
Was I out of line by going off on her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s vague-posting because she knows well if she explained what actually happened, people would go, ‘Well, yeah: you can’t demand to know everything, and then be relentlessly negative when people follow through on that.’ Having a hard time right now doesn’t mean she can’t be self-aware and apologize when that does cause her to lash out, and be consistent with her boundaries in terms of what’s actually going to help her get through this while still acknowledging you have a right to be happy.
If she can’t, she doesn’t get to be surprised or upset about you taking several steps back.” mm172
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – It sounds like she wants you to tell her everything even though some of it will make her upset.
That would be her choice, except she has demonstrated that she cannot take in the information that bothers her without lashing out at you.
Just because she is willing to play conversation Russian roulette, doesn’t mean that you need to put yourself in the line of fire.
At the end of the day, you don’t owe her ANY information about your pregnancy. And you are not obligated to go out of your way to share. If she wants to know things, she can ask. If you are comfortable telling her, you will.” Forward_Squirrel8879
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. she’s your friend, friendships are supposed to go both ways, you should be leaning on her for support throughout your pregnancy as much as she leans on you for support through her own infertility. I can’t imagine how gutting it must be to have a friend I can’t share any intimate or special details about my pregnancy.
Her whole ‘I hate pregnant people’ comments are disgustingly childish and immature. She sounds like she is just constantly putting you down because of her own problems. You are not inclined to keep these people in your life, you can cut contact with her if you so choose and have a happy pregnancy without her if she can’t manage to sort through her own insecurities.
I understand her pain, especially if there are people in the background insisting that her body is failing at the one thing it should be able to do. Infertility can be crushing for men and women. This doesn’t excuse her actions, she sounds extremely negative and I couldn’t keep somebody like this in my life.” No_Web_8587
15. WIBTJ If I Put Locks On My Door?
“My two roomies and I, all 22f, moved from one state to another. I’m a 1L law student & they both work. I found the house for much cheaper rent because our landlords only rent to law students. I had to advocate for my roomies to stay there.
My room & one of my roomie’s rooms are the same sizes w/ queen size beds, but the other roomie has a smaller room with a twin bed. (she knew this before signing the lease & agreed because she decided to move with us at the last min).
Things were going well for a bit. I got an SO & one of my roomies – with a smaller room – would flirt with him. She has made both of us uncomfortable, but it was manageable. Until we had a hurricane.
We were not forced to evacuate, but there was a high chance of losing power & flooding. My roomies & I were invited to stay at one roomie’s grandma’s house. But, I went to my law school friend’s house 2 hours north with my SO who is also in law school.
All of us are in the same classes. We wanted internet access so we could study together. I also have a dog that I didn’t want around potential flooding. My roomies didn’t go to the gma’s house. They called me selfish for leaving them because we all moved here together & I didn’t tell them about my plans or invite them to my law school friend’s house.
(When my law school friend found out they were staying at the house, she told me to invite them to stay with her. I did, but they declined)
After this, my roomies wouldn’t talk to me, so I started spending most of my nights at my SO’s apartment.
One day I came home at 5 am when it was still dark outside because I was going to volunteer at a hurricane cleanup. I walk into my room & see a man in my bed & was terrified. I then see my roomie, with the smaller room, there with him.
I left without saying anything because I was startled. She made my bed (didn’t wash the sheets) & pretended it never happened, not knowing that I walked in. I texted her upset & she said she didn’t know why it mattered ‘because they didn’t do anything.’ I told her it made me uncomfortable.
She said you are never here & your bed is bigger.
Then our lady friend from home came to visit her, & I told her I would stay at my SO’s so they could use my room. After friend left, she stayed in my room for days.
I went home to take nap and there was trash everywhere, food in my bed, & her TV & Xbox in my room. She texted me saying she was going to sleep in my bed from now on & I could tell her when I was coming to stay, so then I could have the room.
I told her that it was not because I like having a clean, private space & we could discuss maybe switching rooms after finals when I was not overwhelmed. She didn’t respond. Yesterday, she brought a guy home to my room again, but this time warned me that she was.
I’m getting locks for my door tonight.
I know that part of the reason my roomies are mad is that they feel abandoned. I am always with my SO, but the majority of our day is spent in the library.
My room is bigger than my roomie’s & I feel bad because I’m never home but she makes me anxious when I am.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for wanting to put locks on your door, but please understand that this is just a Band-Aid and as soon as you can, talk with your landlord about ensuring that she is no longer your roommate when you renew with them next.
She has made you uncomfortable to the point where you are paying to rent a place and are not comfortable spending the night there. She has then taken advantage of having the entire apartment to herself to invade your personal space and use your personal items.
She shouldn’t feel abandoned, you’re not her parent. You are the only reason she is in this rental, you got the bigger room. You shouldn’t be scared of the person you are living with.” JCBashBash
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Wow, that is crazy that she thinks she can dictate to you.
She has some nerve. I can’t believe that she would be that ballsy. I wouldn’t want to sleep in a bed someone slept in even if she was alone. Her skin oils, dead skin cells, and the scent would be all over it.
You need to take back your space if you intend to continue rooming there. Have your SO spend the night. Order takeout and eat in your room.
Your roommates are ridiculous for being upset with you for going to your friend’s house.
Your friend doesn’t have any reason to be obligated to invite them to stay with them, and it isn’t your place to invite them to a home you don’t own. They had a place to go, so why you should be treating them like your children I don’t know.” ContentedRecluse
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for so many reasons. I’ve never understood possessive roommates. As long as you pay your part, communicate, and take care of the maintenance and cleaning that you are responsible for then you don’t have to be there every night.
I don’t understand possessive friends either. You’re in law school, your SO is in law school, and school activities (including studying) are not quality time. They’re working. And you’re going to give your free time to where you’re most comfortable because that’s YOUR time.
Trying to bully you into giving up your room or being at the apartment more often obviously is not going to make you want to spend any of your free time there. It’s common at that age to have trouble adjusting to adult life, where your friends aren’t going to have all the time in the world for you anymore.
But they need to grow up. Your world is expanding, it’s not your fault if theirs isn’t as much yet. And I don’t mean that in a negative way towards them, we’re all on different paths, but they do need to respect yours if they care about your friendship.” ApprehensiveCase1151
14. AITJ For Canceling Last-Minute?
“Tonight I had plans to hang out with my friends. However, my daughter stayed home sick from school today.
My wife called out from work to stay with her since I was already at work. Because my wife will have been with our daughter all day, getting her meds and food and dealing with general sick kid whining, I know she will be tired of it by the time I get home.
So, I canceled my plans.
My friends are upset because we have had these plans for a while. I explained my reasoning, but they think it is flawed. Our plans are at six, and I get home at three, so that would give my wife three hours to rest and recharge.
While I understand his theory, I think the reality would be different. By the time I shower and everything, it will be more like three thirty, and I would have to start getting ready at five to leave at five-thirty.
So really that’s only an hour and a half for her.
My friends say I am flaking on them, but if I took care of our daughter when she was sick all day and then my wife came home, spelled me for an hour, and then bounced, I would feel hurt.
We’ve been texting back and forth about this, and even though they think I’m being an unreliable jerk, I refuse to relent. Am I being a jerk to my friends?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re being a responsible adult. Life happened. It happens to everyone.
You have friends that want you to put them over your family. Think about that for a second, then, ask yourself, are these responsible adults that are really your friend? If they had their way, your marriage would likely be on the rocks, then you’re divorced, and they would still be saying how you’re a jerk if you weren’t putting them first over anyone or anything.
So no, you’re not a jerk. You are being a good husband and father putting your family first. Your friends, however, need to grow up. They are the ones being the jerk.” valeran46
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You cancel your plans by saying you have a family emergency and cannot make it.
Instead, you tried to justify. You explained your reasoning. You then gave them an opportunity to try to argue with you, berate you and call you names, which is what always happens if you do this. Next time do NOT justify, or offer rational reasons for your decisions.
You just get an argument and name-calling. You have a sick child, and that is all that matters right now and if your friends don’t get that then they are not your friends.” Which_Pudding_4332
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have a wife and a sick kid at home.
Your friends are a distance priority in this mix. You said your plans to just ‘hang’ out so it was not something that your absence will completely ruin an event or whatever. Your friends are being total jerks. You, however, are being a good father and a better husband which seems to be a rarity on this forum.” SatelliteBeach123
13. AITJ For Wanting To Set Boundaries In My House?
“My wife’s 30-year-old old sister & her 3-year-old have been staying with us for over a year now. She went through a divorce, so we helped her financially & with a place to stay, we have extra rooms in our home.
The issue – it’s been over a year & her sister still doesn’t have a job (we don’t ask her to pay rent/bills so she can keep her savings to move out) but it seems like she’s not motivated to move out & wants to stay with us for as long as possible.
Her child does not always follow our house rules and she gets upset if we remind him & bad mouths us to her parents to the point that they think I’m out of line for speaking up. I also don’t like having guests over on weekdays due to busy schedules w/work we want to relax not entertain guests – my wife and I agree, but her sister invites her parents over without running it by us & my wife refuses to say anything since they’re her parents too (I rarely invite my parents & always run it by my wife first).
AITJ for wanting to give my sister-in-law a timeline to move out against my wife’s wishes? For wanting to demand she gets any job now (been unemployed 2+ yrs). Not wanting to have weekday guests if my wife or I don’t invite them (including in-laws).
Thinking my in-laws are wrong in thinking that they are not welcome or that I’m rude for my weekday guest preferences. Wanting to have my house to ourselves again (wife and I) so we can live our life and start our family already?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, not by a long shot. But your SIL. She has stayed long past a reasonable amount of time. She is taking advantage of you.
You compromised with your wife by allowing them to stay this long, financially supporting them (increased utilities & food), and not asking for rent.
However her sister is disrespectful by inviting people over without asking, parents or not and not disciplining her child. As well as being ungratefully entitled while bad-mouthing you to others.
Your wife should agree to support setting a boundary for her sister moving out.
One month is a reasonable time because she has had a year to save up since she has not had any expenses for food lodging or utilities. If she says she can’t move out because she doesn’t have a job or money, then she can go and live with her parents since she enjoys spending so much time with them every weekend at your house.” Gladtobealive2020
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for wanting to have a timeline to independence. YWBTJ if you can’t get your wife to buy in first.
Has she applied for all the social assistance options in the area? Then once she gets social assistance you should charge her a fluctuating rent of x% of all sources of income.
I’d suggest at least 50%. This way you aren’t forcing her out but you are making the difference in her staying or leaving smaller.
As far as weekday guests I think you are being unreasonable. She lives with you and should have some freedom to live her life.
Now when your wife’s parents come over you should feel no obligation to cook, clean, or entertain but your wife’s sister should have that freedom.
For the child, it really depends on the tone. If you are just yelling at the kid not to do something then You are the jerk.
If you are calmly explaining the rules to him and enforcing them consistently at a level that a 3-year-old can understand then you aren’t the jerk.” GWeb1920
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You provided her with stability when she needed it, but I doubt this was supposed to be a permanent solution.
I’d start with a compromise – she gets a job and contributes money toward her living expenses at your place AND she also follows rules/visiting times. If she cannot do these two things, she needs to find her own place within a certain time frame you and your wife come up with.
Once she’s through her probation period, talks of her moving out should take place. Will it be hard for her? Yes. But unless it’s fine they live with you forever, the conversation does need to be had.” OriginalRaspberry_
12. AITJ For Not Wanting My Sister To Drop Her Kid Off?
“I am 44 (F), and my sister is 32 (F).
She has the habit of wanting to drop off her kid without any previous announcement because she wants some ‘we’ time (we with her husband).
Her daughter is 14.
She comes to my driveway, her daughter comes out, approaches my door, rings the bell, I open the door, and then my sister reverses off my driveway and then goes to wherever she is going.
One time I got ordered a pizza, and since I didn’t get advance notice thus I didn’t do any grocery shopping.
Another time, my sister gets upset that I let her daughter play with my PlayStation. She did her homework first. She dropped her off Friday evening and didn’t come back until Sunday evening.
The last time she went to a fancy restaurant, with her husband. She was tweeting about the food. So I went to my car, with my niece, went to the restaurant, and got out. Dropped off niece to the table sister was at.
said, here you go, went to my car, and drove back home. Took out the battery off the doorbell (it’s one of those wireless buttons). I turned off my phone.
AITJ for thinking she should give me some kind of notice, or at least ask me if I have plans.
My niece is awesome and I have no problem with her coming but if I get notice, at least I can get some healthy food in my fridge. At least I can make some plans for what to do, right?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Do not answer the door. Get the one where you talk through and record. When your niece rings the doorbell, text your sister telling her you’re sorry but a friend picked you up and you’re away for the weekend.
She should have called text before she dropped by. Send the text, play, send the message through the speaker at the same time. Do this every time for a few months.
Or just come out and tell her. You are not her free on-demand babysitter.
That you are no longer babysitting for her. She will need to make other arrangements. That you are tired of being used.” evillittleperson
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but please don’t listen to these people who say don’t open the door.
That’s not going to teach your sister a lesson, it’s just going to leave the kid out in the cold. She doesn’t deserve to be punished for your sister’s terrible actions. And even if you don’t open the door, who’s to say your sister won’t just leave anyway?
Then what? I mean, call the cops for neglect, absolutely, but leaving a kid outside is still pretty cold (pun intended?) and you sound like you really do care about your niece.
On the other hand, you’re the aunt. Aunts exist to spoil their nieces.
Don’t have healthy food? Yeah, kid, we’re getting pizza. Homework done? Meh, who cares, fire up the PlayStation. What is the worst color you can think of that you love but would make your mother’s head explode? Let’s hit the pharmacy and get some temporary hair dye.
Send her home and block your sister’s number. Honestly, if you trust your niece, you could leave her home for a few hours while you go out and do something. As long as she’s safe in a house and knows how to take care of herself, things should be fine.
Obviously what you do is up to you, but I really do hope the niece can suffer as little as possible here. She’s just a kid. It’s not her fault.” ForeverSam13
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! I get it. Family helps family.
BUT there are rules. Set boundaries. Taking neice to the restaurant and dropping her off was good. Sister needs to learn to accept the responsibilities she committed to. It’s not your responsibility to take care of someone else’s child, especially with no given notice.
Talk to sister and her husband, and set boundaries and rules. And if they don’t abide them take nice where they are of drop her off or take her back home. And let your sister and her husband know where she is.
BE SURE to include the husband. She’s his daughter as much as she is your sister’s. And ALWAYS include and reiterate I WAS NOT ASKED and tell them you have plans even if you didn’t.” blackcatchihuahua
11. AITJ For Telling My Sister Not To Meddle With My Parenting?
“I (44M) am a single father to a 14-year-old daughter. I have raised her on my own since her mother passed away 10 years ago.
Since the beginning, I was not a fan of being a strict father. I came from a household like that, and all it did was give me a miserable childhood and a strained relationship with my parents.
And a crap ton of therapy.
2 weeks ago, my sister’s house got flooded, and they found out that the foundation rotted. I offered them to move into my finished basement with a separate entrance (house built on a hill). So right now her husband, her three sons (16, 13, and 9) and she are living in my 3-bedroom basement (it has a full bathroom and kitchen/living room).
Usually, they have their life and we have ours, but we hang out for a couple of hours every day. And that’s when the trouble started.
Like I said I don’t have too many rules for my daughter. As long as I know where she is and she is back by 9 PM, she is free to go wherever she wants (within limits of course), I do not control what she wears or what makeup she puts on as long as she follows her school dress code (and of course, she dresses appropriately for special occasions), she does not have a bedtime, I do not check if she did her homework, she has a lock on her door and I always ask permission before going in, if she does not like what I plan to make for a meal she is free to cook something else/order takeout (as long as she informs me before I start cooking, and no ordering in more than twice a week, also she uses her money to order in).
Now, these rules are a result of me having a good kid, her earning my trust, and me wanting her to grow up as independent as possible while learning to self-regulate and keeping her safety in mind.
My sister on the other hand is very strict: she has her kids on a set routine, they are not allowed to have closed doors except while changing, she checks their electronics all the time, they are rarely allowed to go anywhere, they eat what she cooked or they starve (if she allows them not to eat what she made that is), she is so on top of their schooling that I feel bad for the teachers (she always emailing them or calling them or even going to school), they do not get pocket money and are not allowed to work, and even the 16 years old has a 9 PM bedtime school nights/10 PM weekends.
I don’t agree with her parenting style, but I keep my opinions to myself. But now she is demanding that I give my daughter more rules, because her kids are comparing themselves to their cousin, and they are rebelling.
So I told her straight to her face, she either keeps her opinion to herself and parent her kids and leaves my daughter to me, or she is free to find somewhere else to live.
She says I’m a jerk because I don’t know how my lax parenting is only adding more stress to her already stressful life, and threatening her with homelessness is a very low blow.
So AITJ?
EDIT: what started this whole thing is this situation: my sister and her family know that they are not supposed to go to the second floor without permission (that’s where my and my daughters’ bedrooms are).
Well, my nephews started using this rule to hang out with their cousin without their mother being able to get to them, and when she does my daughter’s door is usually locked so she has to wait for them to open it for her.
She is convinced that they are hiding something from her in my daughter’s room. All they are doing is having some freedom and privacy away from her constant monitoring.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your child isn’t running free or anything like that, it seems like this is something that she has earned through good behavior & earning your trust. You seem to be parenting her as best you can and it’s what works for both of you.
Sis is unhinged if she thinks she can try to dictate how you treat/raise your child when she’s currently living under your roof through you being graceful & allowing her and her family to move in through an unfortunate housing disaster.
Keep being a great dad to your child, that’s all that matters! (although as a side bit, since she’s 14, I’d probably want to sit down with her and just explain a little what’s going on just so she’s at least somewhat aware that her aunt might try to dictate what she can/can’t do & to come to you if your sister does try to, etc).” Snommies
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She’s creating her own stress. She already could have been homeless but they get to live comfortably while a more permanent solution is found. It’s exceedingly kind of you and frankly, she should be doing everything she can to not impose herself on you.
That means trying to force you to adjust your successful parenting style.
You didn’t just decide this without reflecting on your daughter’s actions… You likely had a conversation with her about her responsibilities and what you will and won’t enforce as long as she contributes to the household.
The way you talk, I’m sure there are consequences to any kind of bad behavior, but it seems to be more about treating her like a whole human and not just a child to scold. I know I’m reading into this quite a bit, it’s just the tone you set talking about the rules you have for your daughter.
This is 14 years of trust built up, and 10 years of just the two of you. You sound like a great dad and she’s going to have a great foundation for when she’s ready to be out on her own.” Cutie3pnt14159
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but this is your sister’s problem, not yours. She and her family are guests in your house. If her children are unhappy with the rules being different for their cousin, it’s on HER to explain to her children why she has such rules and that they aren’t going to change just because they are in a new environment for a while, and then deal with her rebellious children how she sees fit.
She can also tell them they aren’t allowed in their cousin’s bedroom anymore, since she doesn’t like the locked door.
HER issues with HER children have nothing to do with you, and she needs to realize that.
She can’t expect you to go all Ghengis Khan on your daughter just because she happens to be living there for a short period of time. That won’t relieve her ‘stress’ at all, it will make everyone hate her including you and your daughter.
Continue the way you are – this is her problem to deal with.” maidenmothercrone333
10. AITJ For Giving My Engagement Ring To My Ex's Cousin?
“My ex broke up with me 2 years ago but he never took the engagement ring back and ignored my attempts to contact him. I didn’t want to post it to him because it’s his grandmother’s ring and I knew if it got lost, he would make my life miserable so I held onto it.
I ran into his cousin about 7 months ago. I mentioned the ring to him and he offered to return it to their grandfather so I gave it to him.
My friend got married last week and my ex was invited to the wedding.
This is the first time I saw him since the breakup and he surprisingly approached me. I told him we didn’t have anything to talk about and he said I still had his grandmother’s ring so we did.
I informed him that I gave the ring to his cousin who returned it to his grandfather. He accused me of lying and even called his grandfather to find out if the ring was returned to him.
According to my ex, his cousin never gave the ring to his grandfather and now he’s blaming me for the ring being missing since I shouldn’t have given it to his cousin as it wasn’t his.
He expects me to get it back and return it to him, but I don’t know how he thinks I’ll be able to do that.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Doing the math, you waited 17 months to do anything with the ring without it being raised as an issue (2 years – 7 months).
Given the amount of time, and little concern he expressed for it, you would have been well within your right to sell it, not particularly responsible if you lost it, and downright generous to try and gently guide it back into his family’s possession.
As far as expecting you to do anything else about it, he’s SOL at this point. He can either believe you and take it up with his cousin, or he can not believe you and be mad about it on his own time.
If it was that important it should have been dealt with long before this point.
Dead relationships are not storage units.” Narkareth
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. 2 years he did nothing about it.
Technically an engagement ring doesn’t belong to the receiver as it is a conditional gift – if the condition isn’t met (i.e. a wedding) then it still belongs to whoever gave the ring, so it was technically still his.
You probably shouldn’t have given it to some random cousin, but for him to expect you would still have it after 2 years is a bit much. You told him where it is, so he needs to go speak to his cousin about it.” alien_overlord_1001
Another User Comments:
“I think it’s weird you didn’t want to mail it ‘because it might get lost’ but handed it over to a casual acquaintance and just assumed it would get back to him, but no, I would say NTJ.
Two years is enough time for him to ask you for the ring back if it meant so much to him. If he was seriously ignoring you when you tried to contact him then I’d say he really couldn’t expect you to have held onto it for the minute chance he’d talk to you at a random event years later.” User
9. AITJ For Not Caring About The Petty Letters From My Neighbors?
“I have a neighbor who gets mad when I park on the street even though it’s public street parking and literally anyone can park there.
She’s called the cops on me before, for parking an ‘abandoned vehicle’ and they showed up and said I wasn’t doing anything illegal, it’s public street parking and my car’s registered and legal, and they confirmed with me that I drive it daily to work.
She told the cops to ask me to park in my garage and they asked me and I said I was using the garage as a woodworking shop, and it wouldn’t fit.
So she started leaving notes on my car, I know it was her because I have a dashcam that films motion even when the cars are parked. I think she’s been trying to hide who’s leaving the notes cause she does it at like 2 am in a hat and mask but it’s pretty obvious on the dashcam still.
She put a letter there and I just didn’t open it and drove around with it on there till it got crumpled and faded. She did it again and I left it on there till it rained and became mushy paper.
I think she was getting the point I wasn’t gonna read it.
One of my other neighbors said I had a note on my car and I said yeah I know, just leave it there, the crazy lady down the street keeps doing it and I think she’s getting the point I haven’t moved the first few.
She asked what it said and I said I didn’t know.
She said it was kinda awful of me to not even read it. I was like ‘Ehh it’s kinda trashy she called the cops on me, that crap is dangerous knowing how the cops are’ which my neighbor didn’t seem to get?
She seemed not to think cops are dangerous. I don’t know.
Anyway…
AITJ for just leaving my neighbor’s petty notes there till they disintegrate?”
Another User Comments:
“It’s 2024. Your neighbor has moved away unexpectedly. You were never fond of her, but you find a strange empty feeling in her absence.
In an increasingly atomized and alienating world, after all, the severing of even a petty human connection must be in some way a loss. You don’t think about her much, but you don’t touch her latest letter folded beneath the windshield wiper.
You do this knowing it is no longer for anyone else’s benefit.
Sometimes your eyes linger on it at long traffic lights and drive-thrus. You idly wonder what exactly it says. Is it rude and threatening, or passive-aggressive? Long and well-written, or short and riddled with spelling errors?
In some way, a glimpse into the infinite complexity of another human being, albeit reduced to a single irritating dimension. You realize you never knew her name.
By the time you remove it, the water damage has destroyed any text it might’ve contained. You turn the brittle, wrinkled yellow page over in your hands, then toss it in the trash.
You wonder what you’re feeling and decide it’s nothing. It is the last time you think about her.
NTJ” ladysingtheblues
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – she will get the point eventually that you don’t care about her letters.
What you are a jerk for is that last bit.
Are there jerk cops in the world? Yes… just like there are jerk military members, politicians, CEOs, managers of target, etc… every group has jerks…. But that doesn’t mean that EVERYONE of a certain profession is the same, as you lump them in to be.
Yes, we have an epidemic of power-hungry idiots who need sensitivity training or to be humiliated and fired so they can’t even get a mall security job… but just because the media puts the highest priority on sensationalizing it, doesn’t mean that even a majority of police are dangerous… it’s a minority that gets the majority of publicity.
Get off your high horse of blanket general statements like that. It sounds like those cops you dealt with were very professional and even sided with you, creating no drama whatsoever, so why are you defaming them?” Thisisthatguy99
Another User Comments:
“Maybe collect all the notes after they’ve spent a good time on your car in the elements, then make a collage for her and see how she likes it. I would also print out stills from the dashcam, so she knows you have her.
I’m a little petty though. LOL.
NTJ, your neighbor is playing a dangerous game using the police. I’m sick of people doing that.
However, maybe you can have a lawyer send a C&D letter. Not sure if you have enough evidence, but it can’t hurt to find out.
I would hate for her to take it out on your car, even with a dashcam.” CuriousPenguinSocks
8. AITJ For Saying I Don't Think My Wife Should Be A Stay-At-Home Mom?
“I (M30s) live with my wife (F30s) and our two kids (M7 and F3).
My wife and I both have full-time jobs. Our eldest is in public school 5 days a week and our youngest is in daycare 3 days a week.
My wife and I work around each other’s schedules. When it comes to housework, I do all the cleaning and laundry as my wife really hates those tasks, and I also do all the cooking. My wife does the grocery shopping.
My job recently offered me a promotion. If I accepted it, I would have a significant pay increase. The issue is that my job would become a lot more stressful, and I’d have to work more hours. This wouldn’t be doable with our current household setup.
I talked to my wife about it and she suggested that she quit her job and become a stay-at-home mom. She seemed really eager.
The issue is that I really don’t think my wife is cut out to be a stay-at-home mom and I think she would hate it after a few weeks.
She hates cleaning, she hates cooking, and she loves her current job. I also think my wife has an idealistic view of being a stay-at-home mom. She keeps telling me about how easy her life will be and how she’ll be so productive.
I asked my wife if she would really enjoy it, considering that she’d have to do more housework than she currently does. She insists that she wouldn’t mind. I told my wife I think it would be better if I turned down my promotion and we carried on as we are.
She told me to stop being ridiculous and that she’d make a great stay-at-home mom and that it would be good for the kids. I said that I don’t think being a stay-at-home mom would be good for her and pointed out that she hates housework and that she loves her current job.
My wife got really mad at me and accused me of calling her incompetent. I told her that’s not what I meant and that I just don’t think being a stay-at-home mom is right for her. She told me that I don’t have enough faith in her and that I’m a jerk for implying that she wouldn’t be capable of doing it.”
Another User Comments:
“So are you going to turn down every promotion just because your wife hates cleaning? It could be that your wife is willing to do the chores she dislikes (because who actually enjoys chores anyway) in exchange for more time with the kids.
If you don’t want the promotion – if you think you’d hate the extra responsibility and hours – then fine, don’t take it. But if you do want it, and your wife wants you to take it, then maybe sit down together and figure out a workable solution.
Maybe it’s your wife reducing her hours to part-time (this can make it easier for her to get back to full-time work in a few years), maybe it’s both of you staying full-time and hiring help for cleaning, etc. Your saying ‘I don’t think you’re suited to being a stay-at-home parent’ is different from you saying ‘I think you’re a terrible housekeeper’.
But you both need to talk about what your long-term plans are. So judgment is ‘no jerks here’.” Marzipan_civil
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and this is a hill I’d die on. No way should you work yourself to death while she does nothing!
Honestly how things are now is not fair to you. She is not doing her fair share. You should not be doing everything and it’s insane she expects to be a stay-at-home mom when she knows YOU do everything now!
Please document that you are the one that does everything.
She’s already shown you she doesn’t care about you or your family because she does nothing and makes you do all the cooking and cleaning! I can’t believe people aren’t calling that out, if genders were reversed everyone would be calling out her behavior and telling you to divorce.” rainbow_mak3r
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. OP doesn’t want to take on a more stressful job partly because he suspects he’ll also keep having to bear the brunt of the household tasks. He’ll resent his wife for not doing everything because she’s home all day and not bringing in income.
He’s trying to talk her out of it not because she’ll hate it, but because he’s annoyed that she won’t change and he’ll be on the hook for double work. He may also be afraid of change, added responsibility, and increased stress, all of which accompany a promotion.
If he pins his refusal to take on all of this on his wife, he doesn’t have to own it or feel guilty.
On the other hand, the fact that OP’s wife is so eager to be a stay-at-home mom when she hates housework suggests that she’s sick of having a job outside the home and sees this as a golden opportunity to quit.
Since she’s unlikely to start loving domesticity at this stage, I’d say she’s excited by the prospect of having the house to herself sometimes and not having a commute or work stress.
OP can’t win here, unfortunately.
His wife is already punishing him with the narrative that he’s insulting her, and if he’s not a Neanderthal, he can’t forbid her from quitting if he takes the new job. If he turns down more money to stay status quo, he might as well move out – that relationship’s poisoned. She’ll think he’s either slacking or doing an end run to keep her in the workforce and her respect will go out the window.” mimiwuchi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, yeah no. If you took the promotion your kids are old enough that using the extra money for a housekeeper a couple of times a week and maybe increasing child care would solve these issues without making you the sole earner that will also end up still responsible for the lion’s share of household tasks because she doesn’t want to do it.
Not to mention the mental drain of the fights because once she’s a stay-at-home mom, anything you don’t volunteer to do on top of all the other things makes you a bad husband.” Lorraine221
7. AITJ For Going No Contact With My Family?
“My mom and I never got along and over the course of a few years and therapy, I learned that was because she is a covert narcissist. She would repeatedly/purposefully cross boundaries I had in place for myself and my son just cause she could get away with it (would take my son around people I was uncomfortable with him around).
After major series of events, hub and I decided that it would be best for all of us to go no contact with her, not as a punishment but for us to find peace and focus on my deteriorating mental health from the constant guilt-tripping and gaslighting.
I have been in no contact for just over a year now.
Onto my sister. She is considered the golden child who could never do any wrong in the eyes of my mother (and the entire enabling side of the family).
She will full-on attack someone who she doesn’t feel is up to her standards as a person. For example, she will attack me based on my appearance, and weight, and claim that I am lying about being disabled and using it for attention (I have repeatedly shown those who have asked my medical records to prove it).
Her reasoning as to how she knows I’m lying? Because she’s a medic in the Army and I guess that means that she knows more than the entire medical team I have been with since my diagnosis.
Due to her consistent awful behavior, I completely stopped speaking to her when I was 16 and at 18, I went no contact.
A few years ago, I extended an olive branch when she went on deployment and for a while, we were okay and thought that we had moved on from childhood arguments but when I began withdrawing from my mom, the awful treatment not only started again but had escalated to where I eventually blocked her as well.
Since then, I have received messages from other members of the family telling me that ‘enough is enough’ and I ‘need to let it go cause she’s my mom’ or ‘everything was a misunderstanding with your sister’ and I have ignored them all.
After all, I truly just want peace in my life. Recently my sister got engaged and has mentioned to my father that she would be open to sending me an invite but knowing how she is, it’s her way to manipulate him and make him think that I am this bad person who is refusing to go to her sister’s wedding even though she seemingly wants me there (she really doesn’t, she has repeatedly said).
After saying no, we do not want an invitation sent and whether there was or not, we would not be attending as there is no relationship with a majority of the people that will be attending, including with the bride and groom and I don’t want to walk into a scenario that will be unhealthy for my family or my mental health as well as one that will be filled with unnecessary drama.
Now I am receiving messages not only about me being a horrible daughter for what I did to my mom (I’m sure they only know her twisted version of the story) AND for not being there for my abusive sister’s wedding.
AITJ for going no contact with my abusive family members or do I need to******* up and ‘let it go’?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are not required to have anybody in your life that you do not choose. Just because they may be ***** relatives doesn’t mean they are entitled to a relationship with you.
A relationship is earned and nurtured. They have done neither of those. Hence, the ‘no contact’ situation. You do you and keep whatever boundaries allow you a peaceful and healthy life.
If they keep at it, just shrug your shoulders and tell yourself that it is their problem.
They can only make it your problem if you let them. Do not argue with them about anything. Any justification you provide just gives them points to argue. If they require a response, just give them a basic non-answer, ‘thanks for your advice – I’ll take it under advisement’ (and do nothing), ‘thanks for letting me know how you feel’ (and do nothing), ‘that doesn’t work for us’ (and do nothing), etc.” Ducky818
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Remove the toxic people from your life. If the extended family is only going to mistreat you at the behest of your mom & sister, why do you need them?
Separating from family can be hard. It’s ingrained in our culture that we’re supposed to take whatever awful behavior our families dish out and not complain because ‘family is family’.
Nonsense. Live your own life, and do what you need to do for your own health and happiness.
I don’t see what possible good could come of you attending the wedding – or maintaining contact with your mom.” AF_AF
Another User Comments:
“No contact is no contact for a reason. You don’t have to defend that action at all (though from this outsider’s view, it’s sound). I’m really sad that you don’t have anyone that you can trust in your family that will tell your side.
But ultimately, it doesn’t matter.
If people ask why you didn’t come, you can be as political or as brutally honest as you want. Those who don’t check in with you don’t deserve the free rent in your head. Those who do check-in, share what you feel comfortable with based upon your relationship.
NTJ and please just block anyone who is abusive. Ignorance of reality isn’t an excuse to be abusive to anyone.” Ladygytha
6. AITJ For Making A Joke About My Wife's Sleeping Habits?
“My (26M) wife (25F) and I have been together 10 years.
I’d had a few friends around, one of my friends was in his first-ever committed relationship, and we were all super happy for him.
He mentioned that he’s having problems sharing a bed with her, and she kicks, this led to a few of my friends laughing and sharing a few stories of their own… I did join in and said that sometimes sleeping next to my wife was like sleeping next to an old lady, but I didn’t really go much into details other than mentioning she drools (not a problem)
In reality, it’s that she’s diabetic, type 1, and whilst normally in range when her sugars are high she’s up and down every 5 minutes for the loo!! This is personal, didn’t say it to my friends (they don’t need to know) it’s just gotten worse since we had a baby because now the bathroom + baby keeps me awake.
I suppose she overheard because she got super pouty, said she didn’t appreciate the joke and that she’d sleep elsewhere since I didn’t wanna share with grandpa, I may have laughed at that (wrong thing to do!)
I apologized and mentioned that my friends were sharing stories and honestly what I said wasn’t overly embarrassing! She said ‘I don’t care, I’m not their partner’. I apologized again, and she said she’d sleep elsewhere but I’m sleeping on the sofa so she doesn’t have to – ironically enough though she’s still proving my point as the baby has yet to cry but she’s up and down for the loo (like an old person)
… I may have backtracked on my apologies by saying good night grandpa, but I had apologized twice by then.
She’s made little jabs about our relationship, jokingly, to her sister and I’ve never said a word because it’s a joke.
I honestly don’t think I’m this much of a jerk in this situation.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“So let me get this straight. You made a comment to your friends about ‘sleeping next to an old lady’ but couldn’t explain the reason for the comment because it’s too personal (by your own admission).
Yeah dude, YTJ.
Your reasoning for this was that she struggles with incontinence due to her HAVING A BABY and frequent urination due to a MEDICAL CONDITION. Oh and drooling. It’s fair she doesn’t want this broadcasted and is likely insecure/sensitive about these facts.
The best response in this scenario is ‘yeah it takes getting used to sharing a bed, wife and I still go through waves of struggle not having our own space’.
Honestly, may I suggest separate bedrooms? It’s more common than most people think and could solve some issues in your marriage.” Miserable_Cow403
Another User Comments:
“Oof. YTJ. You were essentially making fun of her to your friends because of a health issue she has to deal with. Super not cool. Then you essentially disregarded her feelings by laughing at her attempt to show you it’s hurtful, and then the whole ‘good night grandma’ bit.
I’m not sure how you thought that was even remotely appropriate at that point. The bottom line is that she has some health issues causing her to have to use the bathroom at night. How do you think that’s an okay thing to joke about with your friend?
So insensitive. There was just no regard for her potential desire for privacy when it comes to health problems. Beyond that, being called an ‘old lady’ by your partner, who you just had a baby with, is just a really trashy low blow.” Stranger0nReddit
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for doubling down. I get that the first time was innocent but the moment she expressed hurt and insecurity over it, you needed to stop. Instead, you did a fake apology and said it AGAIN. For whatever reason, this joke hit a nerve.
STOP SAYING IT. Make a real apology and tell her you finally realized that your joke really hurt her feelings and that was not your intention.
Then if you really want to end this fight, find a cute selfie that she took of herself and that she posted somewhere else (that’s how you know she likes it) and post it on social media and rave about her.
‘Look at my amazingly beautiful wife. She is the sweetest and most amazing person ever. I cannot imagine being with anyone as great as her, etc.’ Make it less generic than that obviously. And tag her. So she sees you repairing the damage.” mezamic000
5. AITJ For Telling My Mom To Turn The Rosary Off?
“I (f 15) got my cancer removed three days ago.
The surgeons had to remove three of my ribs in order to do that (3rd, 4th, and 5th). They put a net on the second rib which goes down to the sixth so that I have a bit more support on the left side of my body.
However, when I move a lot, like turning my upper body or standing up, that net sometimes pulls my ribs together which puts me in immense pain. My mother (f 43) is currently with me in the hospital because she takes care of me together with the nurses.
She’s very Christian and prays the rosary every evening at a certain time.
Now the situation starts. I had to go to the toilet since I can’t walk or fully stand yet they bring a roll in the toilet for me.
I tried getting onto it but the net started cramping my ribs together, this made me gasp out in pain and I immediately sat back down on my hospital bed. My vision was blurry and breathing gave me a sharp pain to my lung and it burned, so I tried to breathe as little as possible.
Since I barely got any air into my lungs at that moment I just tried saying ‘pain meds’ over and over, but she had her headphones on and was listening to her rosary, so I was concerned she couldn’t hear me which made me panic a lot.
A few minutes pass and I had laid back down on the hospital bed in a position where the cramping isn’t that bad and I can breathe, while a nurse was trying to figure out what pain medication to give me (i had just moved from the intensive care unit to a normal station).
I was trying to collect my thoughts and focus on the pain, but I could hear her rosary through her headphones which made me unable to focus and got me more into a mode of panic. After I had received my pain medication, I told her ”turn that thing off and focus on me when I am in pain’ because I was concerned she couldn’t hear me, it made me panic and I felt like she wasn’t giving her full attention to me.
This is where I might be the jerk.
She went on to a big rant and basically told me this: ‘I don’t ever want to hear that come out of your mouth again. You do not talk about the rosary or anything Christian like that!
I was just trying to calm my nerves while you were in pain, I also worry. You do not get to tell me what I should and should not listen to!’
I couldn’t even tell her why I said that because I was on the verge of crying again and trying to focus on my breathing so the pain doesn’t get worse.
I know she’s a strong Christian woman, but I myself don’t believe in god, I’m a science nerd (even though she raised me Christian and we go to church every week). So I know this hurt her feelings a lot, but I also didn’t know what she was listening to when I said that.
I just wanted to express how upset I was that she didn’t fully focus on me.
I feel bad for what I said so I wanted to ask if I am the jerk in the situation?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
As someone who has lotta personal experience with surgeries & hospital stays since birth, I can feel for you and your pain. It’s very nice that your mother is there next to you, I don’t always see that in the hospital. It seems like your mom truly cares about you, but she should be a little more aware of her surroundings; you should be the center of attention right now given your condition.
You probably didn’t mean what you said, I used to get extremely cranky too during my hospital stays, and would often yell at my family. I always tried to get back to them after I got better and apologize for my behavior, which in turn led to my family also apologizing if they messed up in any way; felt weird when an adult apologized to a teenager lol.
Happy ending overall.
The fact that you feel bad now tells me a lot about you. Religion aside, this is something that can simply be fixed with some small talk with your mom when you get better. I heard rib pain can be horrendous, I wish you the best with your recovery.” MeowVroom
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this at such a young age. I’ve had a lot of surgeries as an adult and fully believe you should get an excuse for most things you say when you’re in extreme pain.
You’re right that she should be focusing more on you, though I understand how comforting it is to lean on your faith when you’re dealing with a loved one in pain. She should have been paying attention enough to have realized you were trying to move and known that movement = pain.
However, I also think you need to understand that your mom is also under stress given your diagnosis and surgery, so she needs to be allowed to practice her faith if that brings her comfort. I’d suggest having a discussion with her and explaining how you feel without disparaging her religion.
I’ve learned that it’s much harder sometimes to be the one watching a loved one having surgery and being in pain than going through surgery yourself.
I’m not a parent but I’d imagine that makes it even worse to see your kid in pain.
I know it hurts me more to see my dad in pain after his cancer surgery than it did when I was the one in pain after they removed my Gallbladder and Appendix. So cut your mom some slack and talk it out with her.” Scribe625
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You could tell your nurses you are uncomfortable with your mother as the sole caretaker since she clearly ignored you in favor of finishing the rosary when you were in pain. Her stating she did so to ‘calm her nerves’ while you were in distress makes it worse.
Make sure you’ve told your hospital team you don’t trust your mother to be attentive or act in your best interest during your recovery. And make sure you have the ‘call nurse’ button nnearbyat all times. Best wishes for a speedy recovery!” Shibaspots
4. AITJ For Getting A Credit Card By Myself?
“So my husband (32m) does not like credit. His mom maxed credit cards his whole childhood and was always in debt. This has made him anti-credit. My mom also racked up credit debt and when I turned 18 had me get multiple credit cards that she ended up taking and maxing out.
When I met my husband at 23 he paid my 6k in credit debt and I could never thank him enough.
Now I (28f) have been thinking about trying to get my credit score raised and thinking about Christmas (we have a 2-year-old) and I figured I would get a card completely in my name so that I could get all the presents I want to be able to provide our little family.
I wasn’t going to tell him, as advised by a few people in my life, but after applying, being approved, and having the card I felt bad not saying anything. So I told him and he’s very upset.
I work and make 70% of the income, he receives SSI and stays home with our child. He said the only way he will forgive me is if I cancel the card and get a card that he agrees on. Not wanting 2 inquiries on my credit back to back, I told him I would not be canceling the card and told him I am an adult and I am allowed to make this decision considering I make the bulk of the income.
He said I am tyrannical and abusive (because I said I make the bulk of the income even though I said I’d never throw it in his face) and that I’m treating him like a 50s housewife. I tried to compromise and said I’d give him full access to the acct and make sure I asked before using it but it’s not good enough for him.
He says he’ll never forgive me and that this will hang on our relationship forever as a betrayal of his trust.
As for the 50s housewife comment, we live with his mom who does most of the cleaning and if she or I want a chore done we have to ask it’s never initiated by him.
I feel really hurt by his comments and need to know, am I the jerk?
EDIT: I had intended to use the card and pay it off by January then not use it again until next Christmas, but it seems like that’s a bad decision.
I didn’t know carrying a balance for more than one period could negatively affect the credit. I do know using more than a certain percentage is bad I had no intention of using the entire credit line.
I don’t think my husband is lazy, he takes great care of our son.
It wasn’t necessary to mention his household input and I’m sorry I did. I also agree I should have talked to him in the first place that is my biggest regret in this situation.
FINAL EDIT: We decided we are going to cancel the card I got and instead invest in a secured credit card.”
Another User Comments:
“Unfortunately, you have to use credit to have good credit. A bit of a paradox.
What your husband doesn’t understand is that it’s not credit’s fault that people take advantage of it. It’s a tool, nothing more.
Albeit an important tool.
And while it’s great that he paid off your debt, it’s time to learn that there are things we must do out of necessity. Like having a good credit score for when you really need it.
You don’t need forgiveness. He needs counseling. He’s the one stuck in the ’50s, not you. I’ll assume he’s a great stay-at-home dad (you don’t mention), but that doesn’t give him the right to call the shots. Finances are a group effort in a marriage.
Or should be.
NTJ
But if he’s going to hold this over your head, you might consider marriage counseling, or at least individual counseling, and whether this is the right relationship for you. He says betrayal of trust, but did this ever come up?
Did you agree to never get credit? Did he assume that, just because he saw people make poor decisions, you would abide by his fears? Because that’s what they are: fears. And control.
By the way: making the bulk of the income is irrelevant.
You’re an adult and allowed to make your own decisions. This will affect him (because marriage) somewhat, but if you do it right, it will be a benefit. It’s sad he can’t see past his own issues.” iowaiseast
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your husband’s feelings about credit may be explainable, but he is still doing both of you a disservice by not letting you try to fix yours.
That said, lying to your spouse about financial decisions is pretty uncool.
Also, I would not recommend putting all your Christmas gifts on a card as you are starting out with credit.
I’d start by getting a card to pay a reoccurring bill (like a phone bill) and set up automatic payments for it.
As you get more comfortable you can add in larger purchases.” gcot802
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, just because you have reasons and make the most money doesn’t give you the right to make important financial decisions that would affect the whole unit without discussing it with your partner.
The money you earn as a married person with children is not YOUR money, that’s the FAMILY money. If your husband is staying home presumably watching your child, he is contributing to the family. Do not deflect responsibility for your action or diminish your partner on something so silly as ‘I occasionally have to ask him to do certain chores because it wasn’t obvious to him to complete the task’.
So because he didn’t take out the trash or clean the toilet he gets no financial say or the ability to question you? I can see his 50’s housewife perspective, albeit slightly dramatic.” sinful_mint_pie
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You’re both wrong here. But don’t open a cc when you have zero clue of how they work. Read a lot of articles about how credit works. If you’re looking to build credit, put one subscription service on it, like Netflix, and have it set to auto-pay every month.
Check the bill once a month and put the card where you won’t see it and won’t use it until you’ve learned more. Your plan of buying Xmas presents and waiting to pay it off is already setting you up for failure.” Kaboom0022
3. AITJ For Letting My Friend Sleep In Just A Towel?
“I (26M) and my best friend Kayla (26F) were at a wedding this past weekend and sharing a hotel room (separate beds, by the way) and after the wedding, Kayla was pretty wasted and went to take a shower. Came back in just her towel and just curled up under the blankets in her bed and said she was going to sleep.
I thought it was a little strange but I didn’t think anything was wrong with it, so I just said okay and went to sleep soon after.
The next morning I woke up before her. See she’s still deep asleep, so I go down to the breakfast buffet and grab food for her and me because I just think it’s a nice thing to do for her.
Get back to the room. Put her food on the table and start eating mine while quietly watching YouTube with my breakfast. After a while, she starts to wake up. She says ‘hey’ and I tell her I got her breakfast. She says thanks and sits up in bed. Sits there for a sec and then gets up and goes to the bathroom.
She comes back out in a robe and starts eating breakfast and asks why she was in a towel. I tell her what happened and she looks confused and a little upset. She asks why I didn’t just help her into pajamas or something.
I tell her she didn’t ask me to. And she’s still upset she tells me I should have anyway. It’s November, she could have gotten hypothermia or something. I told her I didn’t think of that and I was sorry.
But she just hopped in bed and said she was going to sleep. Didn’t tell me she was cold or needed help or anything so I didn’t think of it.
We’ve been talking about it since then and she’s not mad at me or anything but she does think I should have done something so we agreed that we should put this here for judgment.
EDIT: To clarify. She didn’t want me to dress her while she was asleep. She wanted me to keep her awake and help her get into pajamas.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, for not taking advantage of the situation and for just trying to act chill about her assumed intoxicated behavior.
Also while she might’ve been in a towel with wet hair, you did confirm that she was covered in a blanket. Coming from someone with long hair, going to sleep with wet hair won’t kill you, esp. indoors (hypothermia LOL) and if she had gotten cold in the night she would’ve woken up at some point from discomfort.
Seems like she was hoping you would’ve made a move on her while she was wasted. Which is a big consent no-no.
Even you should’ve helped me into my PJs, um, no – see consent above. Frankly, as a woman, if I was in her situation where I was blackout wasted, I rather find that I woke up in a towel I wrapped around myself than in clothes someone else put on me unless it was a friend I really trusted. And even if I was with a friend I really trusted and they didn’t put clothes on me, I wouldn’t be mad at them either because they aren’t my mom and I’m not 5.
NTJ, and if your friend wants you to help her out when she can’t help herself out, she needs to spell out what’s acceptable and what’s not beforehand, while sober. And if she wants more, she needs to put on her adult pants and be clear about that too.
It’s trashy for her to project expectations on you without telling you, then get upset by it.” archiangel
Another User Comments:
“She’s an adult, not 5 years old.
Hypothermia in a hotel room under the covers? That’s absolutely ridiculous – like how did she say that with a straight face and why are you even entertaining her preposterous argument?
She got herself wasted and can be an adult and deal with sleeping in a towel. The fact she doesn’t remember everything and yet expects her male friend to help her intoxicated self-wear pajamas is not ok. That puts you at risk and you did absolutely the right thing by leaving her be.
There was zero harm and zero risk.
Your friend is putting some really bizarre expectations on you like she’s a child and you’re her parent or that you are her romantic partner. That’s, again, not ok.
NTJ but she is.” East_Deer7419
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Personally, I would have helped her into pjs if she was my best friend and she was wasted. But that depends on your relationship. Every friendship is different.
Obviously, she feels hurt because it seems like you don’t really care about her enough to keep her intoxicated self awake and get her changed. And obviously, you feel confused cause you didn’t see a problem with going to sleep in a towel.
You gotta communicate that. Tell her that if you thought she would get sick then you would have prevented it. But obviously, you didn’t see any danger in just letting her sleep.
The problem – Her not feeling cared for and loved
The solution – Communicating that it is not the case and both of you just have different concerns in different situations.” LunaLittleBlue
2. AITJ For Taking Away My Ex's Health Insurance?
“My ex and I lived together and were common law. She has Type 1 diabetes and had some other health issues so her medical bill alone is around $400-500/month at least. We broke up relatively amicably 2 years ago and I forgot about her being on my health insurance but when I remembered I just kept it because she can’t afford meds without it.
I’m aware it’s illegal but thankfully they never checked.
Fast forward my partner and I found out she will need a root canal and crown eventually which is very expensive, around $3000. I remembered I had $1500/year in my dental benefits and because she is living with me I can switch common law to her.
But the problem is my ex is still on the plan and I never bothered to take her off. I called her up and told her I had to take her off the plan because my current partner needs to be on the plan for dental. She cried and demanded I keep her on it because she is currently unemployed. She got laid off a few months ago and says she can’t afford meds without them.
But my current partner needs the root canal soon and health insurance companies will be suspicious if I take my ex off and immediately put my partner on. I told her I will have to take her off at the end of Dec and she will have till then to find a job.
She called me a jerk saying she can’t afford her medicines even with a job (she doesn’t have any education to mostly works low-wage retail jobs) and I told her being on my insurance forever was never going to be a long-term solution for her and she needs to figure out something else.
I don’t love her anymore but I feel guilty because she won’t be able to afford her medicines. And my partner isn’t happy because it’s possible she can’t afford to wait that long for the root canal so the dental money will only be able to be able to be used for the crown and cleanings.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are committing insurance fraud. Get her off it as soon as possible as you should have done 2 years ago. The other question is, were you and your ex married or defacto?
Also do not put your current partner on it, it’ll look extremely bad and I guarantee they will investigate and find out you were committing fraud for 2 years.
You’re not responsible for their (both of them) lack of financial security and health insurance. Wait until you’re married. If you really feel the need to, if you have savings just pay for it or find a dentist that allows installments.
If you get charged for fraud you can say goodbye to your job and all benefits you receive and will struggle to find another job.” Typical_Rob
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
I’m gonna assume your mention of ‘common law’ means you were in a common-law marriage.
If so, your ex can file divorce proceedings against you and sue for support. That support may include continued health insurance, alimony, property, etc. Results may vary by jurisdiction, but really, you need to get the marriage ended legally before tossing her off your insurance.
Second, I suspect you have committed insurance fraud or you’re about to. Common law spouses cannot be swapped in and out like significant others. But insurance won’t cover a partner. I suspect you’re calling these women your spouse specifically to obtain insurance.
The joke’s on you then – your ex is now your wife, so your new paramour can’t be your spouse. Obtaining insurance for her on false pretenses may be a crime.
In sum, you’re screwing around with stupid legal risks because you don’t want to do things the right way.
Grow up. Get a divorce, but answer your legal obligations to your common-law wife in the meantime. Sad to say it, but your new gal cannot get insurance through you, because you cannot truthfully call her your common-law spouse.” Worried-Committee-72
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’d just tell her no she needs to be off and don’t explain further. If you have a hard time telling her no just tell a white lie and let her know you are/plan to be engaged and start a family.
You need insurance for your new family. You won’t be discussing this further.
Now that you’ve informed her I’d just cut contact and move forward with it. Even removing/blocking her number and on socials to avoid her nonsense moving forward.
She’s already been benefitting from your insurance this long, and she wasn’t going to be on it forever. Let her know she’s going to be taken off in 30 days. Good luck and hope everything works out for you x – then block her contacts.
And I think you already messed up not taking her off sooner. I don’t think you can just switch out partners like that. I’m sure it takes some time to process the change.” shzan1
1. AITJ For Spraying Perfume On My Coworker?
“So, basically there is this guy, and he smells of sweat really bad. It gets worse from Monday to Friday because the smell intensifies and on Wednesday it’s already so bad, I want to puke and it makes my head hurt.
Now, he’s been told by people about it. He didn’t believe anyone telling him that. One time he brought his t-shirt to another coworker and asked her if she can smell anything because he can’t. That’s ridiculous, but whatever. He’s been told many many many times, and usually when he is told he smells really bad, a week after you can’t smell him, because he might be putting effort into showering, but it doesn’t last long.
And at this point, my manager said, she doesn’t want to make him feel bad enough so he wouldn’t leave, since we were short on people.
And I am really sorry for him, he’s probably super depressed and can’t even shower, which happens.
He’s a good guy, always friendly, and never mean or anything. But holy cow, I can’t suffer it. Imagine coming to work all happy and ready to start a day and then you’re hit with this terrible stench, it always ruins my day instantly.
So anyway, whenever he works closer to me, I literally just spray perfume toward him, I don’t even try to be subtle about it anymore, because I really can’t take much of it. And I was told by another coworker I’m being a jerk about it.
I don’t see it really, but maybe I am?
Edit: I want to clarify that I do not spray anything ON him, but more toward his side. For example, he can be 5 meters away, and I just spray it in the air, but towards where he is.
Edit 2: Everyone in my workplace uses some kind of spray just because of him, no one is bothered by it, and no one ever complained about that. But people are doing it more subtly, whenever he’s not watching. I did the same for a long time, but at this point, I’m just done caring about how he feels, I do it whenever I can’t bear it anymore, just spray the air toward him.”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
He should shower. Management or HR should do something about it.
But you are definitely the biggest jerk. Personally, I hate the smell of perfume… it makes me feel ill, way worse than body odor does.
You’ve decided that the rest of the office has to smell your stuff, too. And it doesn’t stop body odor, so now people are just smelling flowery body odor which is worse.
If you can’t stand the smell, put Vaporub or peppermint oil or something under your nose when he walks by.
Don’t take it upon yourself to stink up the room more.” Usrname52
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Spraying perfume in a public place is a jerk move even if you aren’t doing it directly to another person. At best it’s similar to listening to music on a speaker in public, basically forcing what should be a person’s choice onto everyone else’s senses.
At worst perfume is a very common migraine, asthma, or allergy trigger that can cause people active pain.
He’s obviously also a jerk for allowing his smell to become disruptive, and it sucks that other remedies haven’t worked, but don’t assume your smell ISN’T disruptive just because yours is perfume rather than body odor.” LittleMidnaBall
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
But you’re by far the bigger jerk.
He likely is struggling with mental health or other issues. You’re just doing this deliberately when you could have gone to your boss or HR when it started and had the issue addressed properly.
Unlike body odor, which is just unpleasant, perfumes – especially strong ones lingering in the air – can trigger serious health issues for a lot of people, from allergies and respiratory issues to migraine and more. So all you’re doing is adding to the air pollution in your office AND potentially making anyone with sensitivities ill, which is no better than the guy you’re complaining about.
And your repeated statement that ‘I don’t even care’ makes you an even bigger jerk. How are you any better than him if you ‘don’t even care’ if you’re adding strong smells to the air in your workplace that other people then have to deal with?
Just because YOU don’t mind it? Well, HE doesn’t mind HIS smell. So you’re both pretty much on equal footing here.
Everyone sucks here. Go to HR and ask them to talk to him. And stop polluting the office air.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
