People Want To Know Our Impression About Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
20. AITJ For Washing The Cat Food Bowl In The Sink?
“My significant other is a germaphobe and refuses to let me wash the cat food or cat water bowl in the dishwasher or the kitchen sink.
Her reasoning is that the cat is an animal and animal dishes shouldn’t be washed in the sink or the dishwasher with human dishes. She wants me to use the guest bathroom to wash the dishes which is a PAIN because there is no dish soap in there and I’m afraid that the food residue will clog the sink.
I have tried to reason with her and explain that the dishwasher sanitizes everything.
I also said that when we eat at a restaurant, we eat from dishes that other people have used and those people could have had AIDS or whatever disease. This doesn’t matter to her because it’s an animal vs people thing to her.
As a compromise, I told her that I would wash the dishes in the kitchen sink, not use the normal dish sponge, and spray the sink out with bleach afterward.
That wasn’t good enough for her and she insisted on the guest bathroom sink. Then she threw out the ‘you are always going to get your way and disregard my feelings’ comment. It’s kind of ironic that she said this because the only person who gets their way in this scenario is her.
Who is the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have pretty severe OCD, and if you said separate sponge, bleach, etc, I’d be fine with that.
It sounds like she is in need of a lot of cbt and dbt therapy. Is she on medication for her OCD? That would be another thing to look into.
Keep in mind though, she’s not trying to be unreasonable, these are very real feelings for her, but when it’s severely affecting her and your life to this point, something needs to be done.
With my OCD, I have adjusted a lot of the things that I do to compensate. My obsessions and compulsions do not go away, but I’m able to find better ways to manage them to create as little trouble in my daily life as possible.
To give a better description, imagine there’s a sharp rock in your shoe. You are not allowed to take your shoe off, or even adjust the position of the rock in your shoe.
You just have to live with that feeling forever. Eventually, you’re going to just want to rip off your shoe and throw it as hard as you can. That’s what not being able to complete your compulsion feels like.
With therapy and medication though, you can make it go from a loud screaming to a quiet and constant hum. Much more bearable, but OCD will never go away.” Pastel_Mattel
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. This is a tough one for me. I have OCD so I know how she feels. It sounds like you made a decent compromise and she’s being unreasonable and yelling. Is she in therapy or on medication for her issues?
At the end of the day, this isn’t a huge issue. My wife does make tiny adjustments if it means not triggering an OCD reaction from me.
I don’t expect her to make major changes, as my own mental illness is my issue to deal with. But if it’s a tiny adjustment that really doesn’t affect her in any way, she has no problems doing it.” thelistman1
Another User Comments:
“I don’t understand people like this. Don’t you ever let people visit your home? What do you do about dishes that they use?
She understands that germs from people are worse than germs from a dog, right? (They’re already adapted to the host species.)
It’s hard to get an intuitive grasp of germs because if they weren’t real, they’d be pretty far-fetched. (‘Tiny invisible creatures that can make me sick?!’) And some reactions are just emotional, so there’s no point in appealing to reason. But she should make at least a token effort to be reasonable.
Maybe leave the room while you load the dishwasher. Sheesh!
NTJ.” John_EightThirtyTwo
19. AITJ For Cancelling Dinner When My Partner Brought A Bell To Call The Waiters?
“I (F30) have been with my significant other Rhett (M31) for 4 months, we live in a different town and he’s not from here, (he’s American living here) he usually visits on the weekends, this time I decided to visit his town and eat out at a diner.
Rhett was already there when I arrived at the diner, we talked some, checked the menu, then when it was time to order he pulled a small bell out of his jacket pocket, lifted it then started shaking it. It produced a loud, annoying sound. My ears started hurting. I was so confused I asked what he was doing and he said that he was trying to get one of the waiter staff’s attention.
I said it was embarrassing and he should stop right then but he kept shaking it. I can not begin to explain the looks we received from everyone.
I demanded him to stop but he said not till someone came and took our order. I threatened to leave the place and cancel dinner if he wouldn’t and he kept doing it. Someone came already, but I’d already gotten up, taken my purse, and started making my way out.
He followed me and started arguing about walking out but I told him that I couldn’t take being embarrassed by him and he got upset and said that he didn’t get why I thought the bell was embarrassing, explained that it was a perfect solution for no longer be forced to wait till someone shows up. I asked if it was acceptable to do this in America and he said ‘yes because it’s a free country and people there usually don’t give a darn’ but I said it’s inappropriate and embarrassing here.
He said I was being too sensitive and overreacted over nothing. He insisted we go back inside but I refused.
We ended up leaving, he kept on about how I ruined dinner by canceling it and offending him by acting like his behavior is shameful. I said I had a right to give an opinion on what he’s done even if he thought what he was doing but he basically told me to get off my high horse and stop calling his ‘genius’ idea embarrassing.
He’s been sulking for days now and wanting an apology, maybe I overreacted. Maybe it’s nothing where he lives but here it’s just unacceptable.”
Another User Comments:
“He’s lying to you. Bringing a bell to dinner so you can obnoxiously ring it at wait staff is NOT a thing here, and it’s NOT genius- it’s dehumanizing. This sounds more like a pile of red flags in a trenchcoat than an actual human being, so please evaluate whether you actually want this crimson banner to be a part of your life knowing this is how he’ll behave.
Especially since it sounds like he’s testing the waters/you to see if you’ll put up with all of his toxic traits, so I can only assume his behavior will get worse from here.
I could write a dissertation about everything wrong with the situation, and how his actions relate to different levels of dishonesty, manipulation, controlling tendencies, and narcissistic traits, but I’ll spare you the lecture.
Just know that it’s not a thing, you reacted appropriately (stating your concerns/qualms with his behavior, asking him to stop, doubling down by placing a boundary and following through on the consequences of him not respecting your boundary), and you have no reason to feel bad because you’re NTJ. He is. And you deserve better.” MissDemeanor94
Another User Comments:
“You are definitely NTJ. I’m American, and I’d have done the exact same thing you did.
Bringing a bell to ring at the waitstaff shows he has no respect for them, and that’s a good way to learn if someone is a decent person or not. The fact he did that before even ordering anything is appalling. I’d honestly immediately break up with anyone who acts like that because the moment they lose respect for you, you may find yourself at the other end of their bell-ringing entitlement.” EmperorDanny
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
No matter if he’s American or from any other country, the existence of etiquette and respect, in particular in a public space, is universal. His ‘genius idea’ was causing a public nuisance, and he failed to recognize this. It goes without saying that his lack of remorse and failure to at least apologize after you expressed your concerns were wrongful behaviors, and you should most definitely not be the one apologizing here.
OP, I hope you’ll consider finding yourself someone who will treat you with respect and love. Once again, you are not the jerk and did not overreact.
NTJ.” BandicootCareless601
18. WIBTJ If I Ask My Neighbors To Fence Their Yard?
“We both live on land, not in a neighborhood. My house is on 5 acres and I believe they have about 10 acres.
My family has 7 dogs, and they’re all kept within the house, our fenced-in backyard, or in a room in our garage known as ‘the dog room’ (which is furnished with couches and chairs and equipped with heating and A/C).
Our neighbors recently got a new dog.
He is ‘free-range.’ They let him outside for hours at a time, and have no fenced area to keep him in. As soon as he’s let out, he will come to our house and bark at our dogs. If there are people outside he will jump on them. If we open our garage he will come inside. Once, he was standing in front of my car as I tried to pull into my driveway and would not move, so I tried honking at him but he still didn’t move.
I opened my car door to get out and try to move him, and he jumped into my car.
Our neighbors are Spanish speakers, so we’ve tried to tell him ‘go home’ in Spanish but he doesn’t listen. We say ‘bad dog’ in Spanish but he doesn’t care. He just jumps on us, goes into our garage, and tries to go into our cars.
He would go into our house if we ever used the front door when he was around.
It’s getting really frustrating, to be honest. I love dogs (obviously, since my family has so many) but this is not my dog and he is negatively affecting all of our lives. He gets muddy paw prints on my clothes as I’m trying to leave for work, and then I have to go change.
I want to ask my neighbors to fence their yard so their dog doesn’t have free access to my house, but I want to know if I’d be overstepping my bounds. My family is not really close to my neighbors. We’ve exchanged friendly greetings every once in a while but that’s it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Although telling them to fence their yard might be an overstep as that sounds like a huge cost for acreage.
It might be better to point out whatever applicable bylaw in your area most likely prohibits this, as there is very likely a bylaw that either requires dogs to be confined, on a leash, or a bylaw that prohibits livestock making a nuisance of themselves by being on the road or other people’s property, and advise them they should take steps to correct this before they get fined or before the dog gets injured. You can find the bylaws easily by googling for them.
They could also simply not let the dog run free-range. Or build a fenced run, or keep it on a lead. Just some options that might be cheaper than putting in a whole fence.” Korrin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I doubt the neighbors will fence their yard, seems like they aren’t really dog owners in the way they let the dog roam.
Are there horses, cattle, chickens on farms/acreages in the area you live in?
Because if the dog is coming over to your place to bark and carry on as it has been doing, chances are good it is doing the same in other places around.
This is a danger to other animals and humans in the area, not just an annoyance. Dogs with no boundaries meet up with trouble eventually, as there is little to no control over their behavior.
Discuss with your county/zoning authorities what the rules are regarding free-ranging dogs and share the info with the neighbors.” Not_really1010
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And, depending on where you’re at, you could legally take their dog to the pound because it’s roaming on your property and the owners haven’t done anything about it. Also, they wouldn’t even need to build a fence. I would say start by asking that the dog be kept on a leash when outside.
They (hopefully) already have one and then it won’t make them think you’re trying to decide what they do with their land. Maybe also set up some cameras to provide evidence that their dog is trespassing after you ask them to keep it on their property.” Zenpora
17. AITJ For Calling Out The Pizza Driver About The Smell Of Smoke On My Food?
“I just ordered a pizza and some drinks for lunch. The young man who brought it was polite and all my order was correct.
However, he was reeking of ‘smoking stuff.’ I kinda smiled to myself and didn’t say anything. I figured it was just a smell on his jacket. I brought my food in and realized all the boxes and even the plastic bag around my two-liter also smelled really strongly. That made me suspect he was smoking on the way. I thought about it and I realized he probably doesn’t smell it anymore.
I didn’t want to get him in trouble, so I called and asked if I could speak to my specific driver. Just in case anyone was listening, I said, ‘I just wanted you to know there was a strong smell on my boxes and if there’s anything in your car that might cause a weird smell, you should just be aware of that.
To be clear: I’m not complaining, I just wanted to let you know.’
The special leaf isn’t legal in my state and I just feel bad for young people who don’t know what they’re doing in life yet. I was trying to give him a heads up.
Well, the kid got defensive and said he has a legal medical card and had just smoked in his car this morning.
I again tried to say I was just letting him know. But I feel like I upset this perfectly nice kid and should have kept my mouth shut. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Tell his manager. This affects their business as well since he’s driving around intoxicated AND making their products smell like smoke. The only way your food could possibly come out smelling that much after a short trip from the store is if he was smoking in the vehicle on the way with the windows up.
That is nasty. I like to smoke from time to time myself but I cannot stand having my food smell like that. Not to mention he could cause an accident and his company would be liable.” David5051
Another User Comments:
“I wanna offer a perspective here as someone with a medical card. The place I live does not allow it in the buildings, so if I need to smoke I will sit in my car in the parking lot then got back up to my place.
For all you know, this is what this guy was doing. And with it being semi-common, yeah I can smell like it sometimes. It lingers. Since nothing you said pointed you him being intoxicated, other than the smell, I’m inclined to believe he was sober. So yeah, YTJ for me.” AmericanMissionary99
Another User Comments:
“You are obviously NTJ, the delivery guy, however, probably is.
In fact, I’d probably go as far as to say that you would have been completely within your rights to actually not accept the order or complain to the restaurant & still not be a jerk, IMO. I probably would have but that’s just because I don’t like smoke smells, or otherwise. I hope that doesn’t make me the jerk.” Anonymous_Dude01
16. AITJ For "Charging" My Sisters To Go To Our Grandmother's Funeral?
“My father’s mother is in hospice and expected to pass away any day now. A day after we received the news, my father broke down to me that he does not have the means to go to the funeral, which is going to be two states away. My parents are on disability and because of that, they are on a very fixed income.
I looked into my own finances and found the money to take my parents while still having an emergency fund. Things will be tight but I could make it work and I want to do this for my father. We will be driving 16 hours in my car and I will be paying for everything.
My sisters found out through my mother and are not happy that I did not offer to take them.
I was not happy they found out for this reason but they would have eventually. I told them that I would take them down there in my car but they had to have $400 each to help cover gas, hotel room, food, and anything else they wanted to buy. I would need to see the cash the day we leave. To make sure they don’t say they have it, then get down there, then they don’t and I have to pay – which is exactly something they would do.
My sisters and to an extent, my mother is not happy about this requirement. They say I’m ‘charging’ to go to grandma’s funeral. My mother mentioned that she knows I have extra savings and stock I could sell. I absolutely do not want to do that. I could but it would put me in a very bad spot if something came up I needed funds for.
The thing is I know my sisters are almost certainly not going to be able to come up with $400 each. They both do not have a steady job and rely on baby daddy and government services support to barely get by each month. I feel bad that they will most likely miss it but I really don’t want to put myself in a possibly bad situation, even if it is a maybe.
My sisters took to social media telling the whole family what I’m doing. Now I’m getting a lot of messages saying I’m a jerk. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Big NTJ. Your sisters refused to get jobs and so you were supposed to use your hard-earned to pay for their travel inn hotel and food? You aren’t charging them. You expect them to pay their own way.
What you were doing for your father is out of the kindness of your heart. What should be happening is the three of you getting together as sisters and equally paying the expenses for your parents to go to this funeral. Whenever something is going on with my parents, my siblings and I all get together and chip in.” Nt_A_Chnc
Another User Comments:
“NTJ!! You shouldn’t have to take care of and pay for everyone in your family to go. You are being VERY generous in paying for your parents to go. That’s an awesome thing for you to do for your dad.
Also, Your mom can always just stay at home with your sisters if she feels that badly about it. Whether you had/have the means to do it or not, is not the point, and you are still not obligated to give everyone a free trip.
And if your family wants your sisters to be able to go so badly, then they can all chip in to help cover the costs.” Mommyof2plusmore
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You know their habits, their reliability, so you asked them to shell out the moolah before you take them on the trip. Your mother seems to be their enabler. So anything trashy your sisters do, your mother excuses them, and many times seems to support them.
Since they have already decided you are the bad guy, no matter what reparations you do, you will always be the bad guy.” angryomlette
15. AITJ For Not Wanting My Autistic Brother To Stay With Me When Our Parents Are Gone?
“My older brother (27M) has autism, we’ll call him Will. It’s sort of a mixed bag for him, he has no trouble communicating and in fact, is quite the chatterbox once he gets to know you better and feels comfortable around you, he’s also quite intelligent when it comes to subjects he likes, however, he struggles with most basic day to day tasks, such as cooking meals, doing laundry, knowing when to bathe (our mother usually has to tell him to do it) and handling finances.
In the past, he has mentioned how he is going to live with our parents forever, even after we explained what death was to him he still said he didn’t care and that he would still live with them anyway, he has no plans for what comes after that, however.
Recently our father (60M) went in for a big operation and the subject of (god forbid) what would happen if he didn’t recover came up.
Our mother started talking about how once they’re both gone, she wants me to look after Will, she’s hoping I’ll move him into wherever I’ll be living at the time. I instantly said no and she was not happy. I said to her that by that time I’m hoping to have a family of my own, it will be next to impossible to raise a family and look after a fully grown adult man.
She started ranting about how I’m his brother and how I should be looking out for him and that it’s a disgrace that I would even consider not helping him, but if she had even let me get a word in edgewise, she would have heard me say that I have no intentions of abandoning Will when they’ve passed, I have every intention to look after him and help him out whenever he needs me, I just don’t think it would be fair for anyone involved if he was living with me full time by that point.
Currently, I’m only 21 years old and still living with my parents (hoping to move out soon) and all this business is I can only hope many years away, but I just don’t see it being a realistic scenario, I’ve always thought that Will would be more than capable of living on his own if given the time, advice and help he would need. Also as I said before, I’ll always be there to help him along the way, he’s my brother and I love him.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and your parents are doing him a huge disservice by not helping him become more independent now.
I have a friend whose parents both died recently within a year of each other. Her brother is non-verbal autistic. She’s currently juggling trying to figure out long-term options for her brother, during a health crisis, while she has two young kids and a career.
I have another friend who also lost both her parents. Her brother is able to live alone, but can only do basic stuff like microwaving. She takes care of a lot of the logistics. And she’s trying to find support for him, but he’s in that sort of gray area where he’s too high functioning to qualify for a lot of programs, but can’t really get a job on his own merits.
Your parents really need to start figuring out options. And need to teach your brother to be more independent. Who knows where you’ll be when they die. And, it shouldn’t be your job, but maybe you should also start doing some research about local options.
What is his legal status? Are your parents’ legal guardians or is he an independent adult? Does he get a disability?
Has he ever had a job?” Usrname52
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I have a cousin about your brother’s age with an intellectual disability and she had a similar idea about living with her parents forever. However, when she turned 18 her parents began the process to get her into independent housing. Her parents didn’t want their other children to become her caretakers when they passed. They presented it to her as a positive, being just like other 20-something-year-olds.
For several years now she has shared an apartment with 3 long-time friends, there is also staff on hand 24/7 for support when needed.
She is SO proud and happy to have an apartment and roommates like others her age. They all have household responsibilities, like cooking and cleaning, which they rotate on a monthly basis and they go out to movies and other activities all the time.
Each girl has a part-time job and the staff gets them where they need to go. Your parents should look into this. The sooner the transition, the easier it will be and your brother might really like the independence once he tries it. In fact, your moving out could be a good lead-in to him moving to independent housing as well.
You are not wrong to want to live your own life and wanting that doesn’t mean you’re going to abandon your brother.
It just means you want a reasonable situation for both of you.” PineapplePizza-4eva
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m assuming that he is on Medicaid and Medicare and Social Security disability. There are plenty of resources depending on his ability. There are apartments if he can live independently where the rent is based on his income. There are group homes where he might live with a couple of other people and care workers come and go and help them.
If he is fairly independent, you may even be able to get him an apartment near where you live with your future family. This is a lot of really heavy stuff for someone your age.
My younger daughter is autistic and I worry about her as well. I do have hope that someday her older sister will be there for her and support her once her dad and I are gone.
My thinking is more along the lines of an attached apartment in the home that my older daughter buys with her future family. Where her sister works or uses her disability to pay the rent. Plus there are services that help with transportation for doctor’s appointments and other things. I don’t feel like you need to stress about this. It will work itself out.
There are plenty of options that are free to your brother.” Nt_A_Chnc
14. AITJ For Asking The Waitress To Remake My Food?
“I’m still currently at the restaurant this happened at but I (M25) go into a restaurant around 3 pm and am dining solo. The place isn’t very busy which is fine with me.
The waitress (J) brings me my food and as I get about halfway through with my plate I get up and use the restroom. I was gone maybe 10 minutes and when I come out the table I was at is cleared.
I hadn’t given any indication I was done so I was surprised but sat down. When J walks by she says ‘oh, I thought you dined and dashed’ to which I say no I had excused myself to the bathroom but I can understand since I was dining alone it looked empty and J tells me how dining was and dashing have become a real problem.
J leaves and when J comes back she has the bill in hand and I ask for my food to be remade.
J explains she can’t bring my order back because it’s already been tossed. I say that’s fine but I want my order remade and J is exasperated saying how she can’t possibly keep track of everything and asks for me to pay the check.
I explain I’m not paying to eat half a meal. J walked off and I’m waiting for a response but I’m not sure here.
AITJ for asking for a new order of food when the old one was taken away before I was finished?
EDIT: for those wondering yes it was one of those bathroom situations I couldn’t wait to get to the toilet due to some medical history.
For those who find themselves in the same predicament, I highly recommend getting a ‘restroom access card’ and businesses can’t deny you using a restroom because it’s considered a medical disability if you have a card to prove it.
Yes, I was wearing a hat but the idea to leave it on the table didn’t occur to me because I didn’t think it would be a problem to come back.
UPDATE: J came back and said the restaurant was out of my meal so they couldn’t remake it. She said she could give me 15% off the meal but I objected and politely asked to speak with a manager to explain the situation. J said she already told the manager and that was the most their computer system was possible of comping. It seems like a manager should be able to override that but I have no real way of knowing that.
I’m feeling very uncomfortable at this point and ask again to bring the manager in so we can talk altogether. The manager is a very nice lady in her 50s not at all like the attitude of J and we come to the conclusion that J will cancel the original order ($15) and instead bring up the order as a side ($5) since they couldn’t comp the meal more.
In the end, I didn’t get a remade meal, I thanked the manager, paid $5, and tipped J 15% of the original order total. Given the circumstances, this seemed very fair and I’m glad it worked out in a weird way.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I get that 10min isn’t a short time to be in the bathroom, and I do understand to some degree her clearing the table if dine and dash is a problem.
If this conversation was ‘I flipped out even though she offered to comp or have it remade’ I think a lot of people would be more understanding of her initial motivations and actions, nobody is perfect and I absolutely understand if this is a recurrent problem, especially if there was a recent incident.
However, where the problem came in is that the server used this as an excuse ALONG WITH not wanting to have your food remade or your meal comped (probably should be BOTH tbh).
She should have explained, then TOLD YOU that she would have your food remade for you.
I’ve been a server and if that had been me, I absolutely would have apologized profusely and then asked if you wanted your new food to be to-go or if you wanted to eat it there. You shouldn’t have needed to even ask for new food at all.” trxsxrms09
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and I say that because I love dining alone. If I need to get up and go to the bathroom, I actually leave a note, my jacket on the chair, a book on the table, or some indication that I’m coming back. Your server is not psychic. You can even mention to the server when they take your order that if you disappear for a few, you are either in the bathroom or out smoking and that you will be back.” SimplySam4210
Another User Comments:
“Slight ‘everyone sucks here,’ because I think any person with more than a couple brain cells should have realized on their own that if you’re dining alone, you should leave some sort of personal belonging at the table to make sure the waitress can know at a glance that you just stepped away and will be returning, as long as that’s an option available to you.
Not just to ensure your food doesn’t get taken away, but because leaving a hat or jacket at the table but because why not reduce the stress that even a moment of thinking ‘oh god what if that idiot dined and dashed?’ when they glance over to your table and see it empty would unduly cause them. Customer service workers, especially tip-dependent ones, experience enough stress at their jobs already, after all.
Also, you were in the bathroom for 10 minutes. I realize bathroom emergencies happen, but 10-20 minutes is absolutely a standard amount of time, IMO, for a service worker to wait for a customer to return and give up. Giving you ten minutes to return before assuming you left is pretty reasonable. I work at a grocery store and that’s the amount of time we leave a cart people to say they’ll ‘be right back for’ before we start returning the cold items to the fridge.” Kittenn1412
13. WIBTJ If I Didn't Tip At A Hotel?
“I’m currently staying at a hotel for 3 nights. During my stay, my room will not be cleaned unless I request it, and nothing will be delivered (towels, toilet paper, soap, etc) unless I call the front desk.
Now I’m a very neat person. When I check out of hotel rooms, I make sure to throw away any garbage and tie the bags off.
If there’s a laundry basket outside the room (like there is currently at the hotel I’m staying at) I will discard any used towels in there before I go. I check the mini-fridge, clean off any surfaces, wipe off the bathroom counters if they’re wet, empty the ice bucket, pretty much everything I can do to help the cleaning people out.
So during my stay I’ve had no issues, asked for nothing extra, and I’ve kept my hotel room pretty clean.
No cleaning person has been by to clean at all. I was talking with my husband about possibly not tipping or only leaving a few dollars just because I’ve always felt like the tip is for maintaining the cleanliness of the room and restocking supplies for my entire trip. Since that didn’t happen, why would I tip the normal $10-$20?
My husband said he gets my point but still thinks I should tip a normal amount when we leave tomorrow.
So, WIBTJ if I left a small tip or no tip at all?
Edit: I do want to clarify that I know my room still has to be cleaned aside from what I do. I’m obviously not changing sheets or vacuuming. But I have seen how other people leave their hotel rooms a mess and don’t leave a tip (before 2020). I try not to be a pig and to help out anyway a GUEST and not an employee can help out.
I’ve decided to leave a $20 tip when I checkout because it’s the right thing to do. This is the only time I’ve ever considered not leaving a tip or leaving a very small tip and it’s because it’s the only time I haven’t had my room cleaned and had the toiletries restocked daily. I thought it made sense because I thought the tip was for doing those things, not just general cleaning.
The housekeeper’s salary should probably cover that IMO. But I understand it doesn’t always.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Yet. It’s really great that you are taking the time to not leave the room in a state, but the cleaning staff will still have to clean it, whatever, just as they did to make the room tidy and comfortable before you arrived. If you think, as I do, that people doing jobs like this where they don’t get to have any contact with the customers unless there’s a complaint, deserve a couple of dollars to show you acknowledge and appreciate their work, that’s pretty cool.
God knows, their heart must sink to see a tidy room and realize they’re therefore getting nothing. Don’t be that guy.
Especially if you’re just cleaning up so you don’t feel you have to tip. If you like cleaning hotel rooms that much, you need a change of career.” the_esjay
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, we just stayed at a hotel for one night and honestly we left it cleaner than we found it.
We had no service either so nothing to tip for in my opinion. As far as I know, hotel staff are not paid below minimum wage like waitresses are (who really really rely on tips), I didn’t receive any service, so I didn’t tip. The time before that we stayed in a small private hotel and had exceptional service, they brought our breakfast to the room without asking, cleaned it daily, etc, so of course, then we tipped.” jmsspring
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I don’t like housekeeping coming in during my stay, so I always leave the ‘do not disturb’ and get my own towels, etc as needed as well. However, they still have to clean up after you, no matter how clean you are not cleaning the toilet, changing the sheets, emptying the trash, etc. You should tip more if you leave a mess, but you should always leave a baseline tip for the last day reflecting the length of your stay.” Corpuscular_Ocelot
12. AITJ For Insisting That I Supervise My Mom And Sister When They Visit My Dad?
“I have two younger sisters and an older one, my parents divorced about 20 years ago but still have a cordial relationship. I have cut my younger sisters and mother out of my life around 15 years ago for their toxic and sometimes criminal behavior.
I recently moved in with my elderly father to care for him as he has dementia and it is unsafe for him to be alone.
I have also taken over his finances as he was about to lose his house for unpaid taxes and a good portion of his bills were in arrears. As I was sorting his affairs I discovered that e-transfers had been sent to my mother and two younger sisters in the past. It is important to note that my father does his banking in person and does not use the internet.
My mother was doing his banking online for him for years until she decided she wasn’t going to do it anymore last year and my niece took over.
I changed his passwords so if anyone had his online banking info it was now unusable but I wouldn’t put it past them to try and take his bank card and/or him to the bank.
My older sister is trying to facilitate a visit with mother and younger sisters but I insisted that it must be where I can ensure he isn’t taken advantage of.
She thinks I am the jerk because since I moved in they (mother and youngers) haven’t come by or called and they miss dad. She said having me there would cause undue stress on my dad and he wouldn’t deal well with that.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I would suggest a trust with all his assets in it and you as trustee (and maybe older sister?).
But dad’s dementia is a game-changer. Anything he signs now is subject to challenge by your younger sister. Your mom has no right to be in any of this. You are next of kin, not her. Your POA is probably good. And yes, hide his cards and info. And you absolutely should be there when mom and sis visit. Also, as dementia progresses he will start clinging to you because you are familiar and kind to him.
That means sissy saying OP’s presence would stress him out is nonsense. Been in your shoes and you sound like an angel in my book. It’s hard and just gets worse. Also, Google elder law. They can help you.” dinahdog
Another User Comments:
“Yeaaa, it sounds like you need to get conservatorship over your dad. You need to talk to a lawyer. Good for you for sorting your dad’s bills and paying his taxes and saving his home!
It sounds like your dad was being financially abused. It sounds like your sister wanted to do it some more and you are putting a damper on their little plans.
It sounds like you should definitely not leave them alone with your dad. Good for you for changing passwords and shutting down electronic transfers of funds.
It sounds like you live with your dad now.
Having you there wouldn’t put ‘undue stress’ on your dad. NTJ.” LuvMeLongThyme
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom and sister miss your dad and his riches all right enough. Hopefully, you have legal adult guardianship through the court. Do you trust your older sister to let her be the one to ‘supervise’ and prevent your dad from being taken advantage of?” NanaLeonie
Get the finances lined out ASAP! Don't even the door opened, not even a window. Tighten everything like Fort Knox.
11. WIBTJ If I'm The Reason Two Of My Classmates Don't Graduate?
“I’m finishing up a course that’s very expensive and difficult.
In order to graduate, I have to present a final project that is due this Wednesday. No project, you fail the whole course. We’ve had the past three weeks to get it done.
My group is horrible. They didn’t do anything.
I’ve spent the last three weeks inside of my house working on it.
I ordered take-out because I didn’t have time to cook. I have nothing to wear tomorrow because I haven’t done laundry. I’ve been sleeping 6h/ night. On top of that, I work 50h/week. I’m exhausted, frustrated, and angry.
I don’t wanna add their names to the project because they literally haven’t done anything, but if I do that, they both won’t graduate.
WIBTJ if I’m mean and make them fail?
edit: I told them a hundred times I’d remove myself from the project if they didn’t answer me over the weekend. They didn’t say anything at all.
final edit: my instructor talked to me and I decided to keep their lazy names in the project.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Tell the teacher/professor/supervisor (not sure what level here) and make sure they know the situation so it can’t become he-said-she said.
You have chat conversations for proof. Say something before final grading is involved to avoid stress and headaches. You say the progress is posted in an online portal but directly talk to them about it.
You’re not mean, and they’re failing on their own. They’ve had chances.” Logical-Cranberry714
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for not bringing this up to your professor. Hear me out, I don’t disagree that your partners should be penalized for not doing their part but you gain nothing by working yourself to the bone and sacrificing so much.
Do you really think that you can get as good of a grade that a group of people with different viewpoints and opinions who have all taken the same course could? You’re paying so much for this course, why should you lose out on an opportunity to practice communication and teamwork? You should have gone to your professor at least a week ago. You’re not going to get any extra credit for having done it all yourself and you’ve lost out on a valuable opportunity to work as a group, which most careers require.
Go to your professor now and explain the situation, best-case scenario they look at your lens through the lens of it being done as a single-person project, worse case they don’t care because it is too late for them to help you now.” Princess_Daisy_Dukes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ as long as you reached out to them & asked them to do their part.
If nobody’s been trying to communicate, everyone sucks.
Take 10 minutes to email the prof. Tell them what’s happening. Most will back you. I’ve done this twice. Once in HS, once delayed someone graduating college for a second semester. The teacher supported me both times.
The point of these things is to show you can work as a team. If you ghosted everyone, you fail. If everyone ghosted you, but you came through anyway, then you succeeded and they didn’t.” Stuck_With_Name
10. AITJ For Asking My Husband Not To Go To His Ex's Son's Birthday?
“My partner and I have been together for almost one year. He broke up with his ex right before we met and started going out. They still text every day and she said they were going to dinner for the son’s birthday.
The son is 14, btw. He asked for my opinion and I said do what you think is best for our relationship. They communicate multiple times a day and never had a break-up phase where they didn’t speak or see each other. He thinks it’s ok for them to be friends now and that I shouldn’t be selfish about him acting like the father figure to the son or about their continued relationship.
I feel that in past relationships, I have decided not to continue to participate in birthdays, holidays, etc. especially when you start seeing someone else.
At first, the son didn’t want to go out for dinner. So, he and I go out to dinner. Once we sit down, the ex tells him they are going to dinner and guilt trips him for not showing up.
He pouted the entire time at dinner with me and the rest of the evening. Now, he’s telling me it’s my fault and that the universe agrees that he should’ve gone to dinner with him and not me. He feels like a trashy person and it’s my fault for being selfish. So… AITJ?
Edit: not his biological son. Suggested having dinner alone instead of with the ex.
They canceled plans and then reinitiated them. Not asking him to distance himself from the kid, just the ex.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I completely understand why you’d feel uneasy about a partner not having that ‘split up’ phase with an ex, but he has a son. Unless I’m reading this wrongly, you’re effectively guilting/asking him to not go to his own son’s birthday meal…
does that sound okay to you? If you were that child, how would you feel about that? Two people who share a large part of their lives but aren’t right for each other going forward don’t have to hate each other and can have a healthy relationship, and they’re encouraged to do so when a child is involved. They’re doing their best to be mature about it.
The dude is trying to be a good dad and good on him for that. Sounds like the ex didn’t do either of you any favors, but I personally feel like you should be more supportive of your partner trying to do right by his child. Shows he’s a decent man.
The only point against him is that whilst you have been selfish, he probably shouldn’t have placed the blame solely at your feet like that.
He could have just said no, he’s going to spend his son’s birthday with him.
Anyway, a fairly understanding YTJ if a partner with a child is new to you but a definite YTJ nonetheless.” JezrienElin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Even if he is a father figure for this teen (assuming the teen’s father isn’t in his life), he doesn’t need to be talking to his ex daily and doesn’t need to go to a dinner she is at.
He could take the teen out himself, which you said you suggested.” liveoutside_
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. If you two were already out for dinner, what did he intend to do? Just leave you sitting there alone and rush to another restaurant? That would have been incredibly mean of him.
But you clearly can’t handle this dynamic. Responding to ‘should I attend my former step-son’s birthday dinner’ with ‘do what’s best for our relationship’ is really manipulative and passive-aggressive.” niborosaurus
He needs to tell THE BOY that it was short notice and he had already made other arrangements. He can easily offer to take him somewhere to celebrate. The boy is 14 for cripes sake! He will get over it, especially if it means he gets something else down the road.
As for you, prepare yourself for the ultimate potential result that appears to be coming because he hasn't let go of that relationship. He was pretty disrespectful to you.
9. AITJ For Not Letting My Partner Bring Her Sister On Our Date?
“Me (22 F) and my significant other, Katie (24 F), have been together for two years. We don’t have a lot of time for each other (we are both grad students) and so I planned a date day for the two of us next week. I planned for us to go sky diving, then to a local brewery event, and then end the night in bed with a bottle of wine and a good intimate time.
I wanted the date to be an ‘us’ day so we could just have fun and hang out together.
I have been pumped for this date and told Katie what I planned for us yesterday. She was just as excited as me and said she had to go call her sister, Madi (18 F). During the convo, I heard Katie tell Madi that she was excited for ‘all of us to have some bonding time.’ I asked what she meant by ‘all of us’ and she said she thought I was including Madi in skydiving.
I laughed and told Katie that I hadn’t planned for that and asked her where she got that idea. Katie said that she always told Madi they would go skydiving together, and thought I knew about their pact and would naturally include Madi in the plans.
I told Katie that Madi was welcome to tag along for skydiving but I couldn’t pay for all three of us.
I also told Katie that Madi would have to leave after skydiving since we were going to the 21+ brewery directly after, so her parents would have to drive Madi back home (we live about 1 1/2 hours away from their parents’ house and Madi doesn’t have a car).
Katie said that it would be rude to ask her parents to drive and pay for Madi and that we would have to drive her there and back.
I told her that this wasn’t possible since the brewery event was right after skydiving and that once again, I can’t afford to pay for all three of us. Katie offered to pay for Madi and asked if we could skip the brewery event and show Madi around the city for the rest of the day instead. I told her I wanted a day for just us, to which she replied that I should have picked a different activity for us if I didn’t want Madi coming.
I explained to Katie that I didn’t know about their skydive pact and asked again if it could just be an ‘us’ day. She refused and said if she was going, Madi had to come since they have had a pact for years to go skydiving together. I told her that I didn’t want her sister coming on our date, and Katie said that it’s no longer a ‘date’ if Madi is there and that I’m being dramatic.
I left Katie’s house and we haven’t really talked about it since.
I feel a little hurt that my partner isn’t seeing that I want an ‘us’ day and that we now have to include her sister. I’ve already put down a deposit otherwise I would just cancel the skydiving reservation. I understand that Katie and Madi are close and want to do this experience together, but I am still hurt that she completely changed our plans for the day just so Madi could attend even though I originally planned all of this as a date for me and Katie.
So AITJ for refusing to change all of our plans just so Madi can come? I really don’t know how to go about this.”
Another User Comments:
“Light YTJ – it was a nice plan, but you clearly made it without consulting your partner! Once you consulted her, she told you her sister would have to come if you wanted to go skydiving. A long-standing sister plan/pledge beats girl’s random intimate date plan.
It sounds like your significant other and her sister are close and that’s probably not going to change. You’re either ok with that (and sister tagging along from time to time) or not. But either way – your significant other has told you what she wants to do… so if you want your intimate date sans sister, just do the skydiving another day!
Or go skydiving with the sister and pick a different brewery without a 21+ requirement. There are lots of options here…
Going with the flow is a lot hotter than rigid plans! Also, as a general rule – don’t put a deposit down on something like skydiving before checking with the other parties involved… this isn’t the Bachelor and skydiving really shouldn’t be a surprise!” beeeeeebee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Katie assumed a lot based on the skydiving pledge she and her sister had. More importantly, you and Katie are not doing a great job with communication at all. You’ve been together for two years and you’re still not communicating effectively.
At this point, the horse is out of the barn because Katie has already made this date a group family outing with her sister.
There’s really no way to cancel Madi out of the date now without doing a lot of damage. But, I think you need to talk to Katie about doing better with clear communication and checking in with one another instead of making a lot of assumptions and changing plans without mentioning it until it’s too late.
Also, stop planning dates around activities you know she’s made a pact with others around.
That’s just asking for drama.” ghostforest
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Pretty messed up to plan a whole day to spend with your partner only for them to invite a 3rd wheel because of some archaic pact they have. Like… They know skydiving is not a one-time thing, right? They can go skydiving together on different days.
Also messed up to not run these plans by your partner more than one day in advance.” Ogreguy
8. AITJ For Telling My Wife She Can't Quit Her Job Right Now?
“My wife is deeply unhappy with her current job (university administration) and she’s currently completing an online boot camp to prepare her for a career change to the user experience (UX) field. I’ve been supportive of this change and have budgeted for her to take her coursework (to the tune of $550 USD per month for 9 months).
She’s approximately 60% through this course.
She’s now upset that I’m ‘forcing’ her to keep her job while she continues her coursework, rather than allowing her to quit her job now so she can study full-time. I really wish I could let her do that, but I’ve looked at the budget and, best case scenario, her quitting her job now would leave us short $1000 per month, even if we reduce our discretionary spending and savings contributions.
She keeps insisting that ‘we’ll just reduce our spending’, but doesn’t seem to understand that our budgetary ‘musts’ (mortgage, saving for a car because our current car has 200K miles a bad transmission) still don’t allow for her to quit her job even if we cut spending and savings drastically. I’ve offered to show her a budget but she says I would just use this as a tool to be condescending.
I have definitely been a jerk in the past by pointing to the budget to tell her why she can’t take expensive trips or buy expensive things for her hobbies, so I understand her reluctance to game out budget scenarios together.
The other deeply troubling component is my wife’s mental health. She’s long struggled with depression and it has been particularly bad lately. She says her job is driving her deeper and deeper into depression.
She already has a therapist and takes antidepressants. I don’t know what I can do for her on this point besides listen to her and try to empathize, but I admit that I struggle (she has a soft 9-5 job where she can routinely sleep in 2 hours past the start of her day without consequences, and she spends at least a couple hours of her workday on her UX coursework; by contrast, I have a job where I routinely have to work 50-60 hours a week).
She tells me that I’m heartless and cold for not understanding. While I genuinely don’t want my wife to be unhappy, I realize I might be the jerk for not fully understanding/accepting that her lived experience is not mine and that my work norm ultimately isn’t relevant to what she is or is not okay with work-wise.
I’m not sure how I can do more to help her emotionally/psychologically, but I do know that financially it’s basically impossible for us to sustain the blow of her quitting immediately.
So, AITJ for telling her she needs to keep her current job until she can find a new job in her preferred field?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I truly sympathize with your situation. I was your wife after I had my kids. Ppd kicked my butt. I was in a slump. My husband did support me when I quit my job, but we had two kids and of course, our adult bills to cover, so this decision affected us financially for a while.
I did get better mentally, so quitting was the best thing for me, but we went on a severe financial diet. We are now on the other side of things and are thriving.
Your wife is suffering, but try to convey to her how much your lives will have to change until she gets back to being healthy again.
If yall can work out some type of financial diet that you both can be comfortable with, it can work.
But only if she is willing to commit to the diet.
Her end game it seems is to not work, but that can’t be realistic. Her boot camp can lead to better days ahead, but she will need to make a plan and display actions that contribute to a pay-off from this investment.
Wishing you the best.” mindlessmandee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wife is being seriously selfish.
She told you she wanted a career change, and you immediately figured out a way to fund it and have been making that happen. She knew from the outset that your budget does not allow for EITHER of you to quit your job for ANY reason, so it’s not that you’re being heartless or that you don’t understand; you DO understand and have looked at ways to try to help, but sometimes there simply ISN’T a way to make something happen.
I would tell her that, after everything you have done to help her achieve her goal, it is unfair and a jerk move for her to insult you and claim you’re unfeeling and that this time, it is up to her to figure something out – either she keeps her current job until she’s finished her course and gotten a new one, she gets a different job bringing in the necessary amount that she then keeps until she can get a job in her new field, or she looks at the budget herself and figures out how to cut $1000 in discretionary spending each month without touching any necessary expenses.” vodka_philosophy
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – the root cause of the problem seems to be that you two aren’t able to communicate effectively about finances. Your wife is telling you that she’s miserable and her mental health is suffering. It also sounds like you are used to being the keeper of the budget because she has a history of being unrealistic about finances. This has turned into a situation where now you’re basically ‘telling’ her that she has no other option but to stay miserable.
Nobody wins there.
Is there an option to have a joint session with her counselor (or another counselor they recommend) to help figure out how to communicate better about this? You are not wrong for wanting to come up with a realistic exit strategy, but I also wonder if there aren’t options you two haven’t thought about. (Ex: can she look for a different office job right now to get out of the currently-awful one?
While the boot camp path can in fact work, it’s not often an immediate change – most people don’t get their first new job immediately after graduation.)” theturkstwostep
7. AITJ For Not Putting My Husband's Children In My Will?
“My husband Jack and I married later in life – we were both in our 50s.
It was a second marriage for both of us. He has 3 children. I don’t have any biological children, but I am still very close to my former step-son Thomas whom I helped raise. We were both very well off financially – Jack more than me. Jack owned his own business and was upfront that he intended that business to be left to his children. We signed a prenup before our wedding that basically said we each get to keep what we brought into the marriage.
We kept our finances separate though we both contributed to a joint account for household expenses – which we split 50/50. We did our wills at this time – Jack left everything to his children and I left mine to Thomas. We were both aware of what the other had done and we were fine with it.
Jack’s business went under about 4 years ago. He was desperate to keep the business going and poured all his savings into it.
The business had been his grandfather’s and then his father’s, and he was determined to be able to hand it down to his children. He ended up losing almost everything. He was completely devastated. The standard of living wisely has not much changed except that I am paying 100% of household expenses. I love him and I am fine with this.
I had a health scare about a month ago where I realized that if I died, Jack would be left with nothing as my will gives everything I own to Thomas.
I told Jack that I was planning to change my will. My plan was to put a third of my assets into a trust for Thomas’s children (he has 2 currently that both call me Nana), a third directly to Thomas, and a third in trust for Jack. I would set it up so that Jack would receive a generous monthly check, but that after he died the assets in the trust would go to Thomas.
I did it that way because I want Jack taken care of while he is alive, but after that I want it to go to Thomas – not Jack’s kids.
Jack is furious that his children aren’t going to receive anything. He kept pointing out that I have 3 step-children, not just one former one. Why are his kids getting nothing and Thomas everything? I should say that by the time we got together Jack’s children were grown.
One already had a child and another was married. Other than the occasional holiday I have never lived with Jack’s kids. While he is not mine biologically – Thomas is my son in every way that counts. While I get along with Jack’s kids, we are not close at all.
Jack is threatening to leave me over this. He keeps saying that if I don’t care about his kids that means I don’t care about him.
I’ve told him that is nonsense and that I don’t respond well to ultimatums. We had planned to leave our assets separately before we were ever married, but now that he doesn’t have anything, suddenly he wants me to leave my funds to his kids. AITJ for not wanting to?”
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ – stand your ground.
However, I’m going with Jack not suddenly turning into an evil entitled villain, but being a broken man in an identity crisis who is desperately recalibrating his dreams & life expectations – and rather poorly.
He’d be about the same age as my dad I think. My dad will not sell the family orchard. His grandfather started it, his father was born there, he feels that selling would be deeply disappointing them. But it stopped being profitable years ago. He’s repeatedly apologized for not being a good provider – he worked so, so hard. I repeatedly explain he had no control over high-interest rates on a debt he inherited with the property, the weather, or the market prices.
But he has a thing about leaving us an inheritance. Like it’s his duty. He’s worked elsewhere for 20 years, paid off the debt, but won’t spend a cent on himself.
I think a lot of older men have ingrained in them that part of being a good father is leaving an inheritance. It’s part of his identity. And now suddenly he feels like he’s let everyone down.
He’s grasping at straws and trying to salvage something for his kids. It’s not rational, but the way we deal with a huge shot to our core identity often isn’t.
Has he tried some therapy (if he’d be open to it)? There is more to leaving a legacy for your children than just finances. Memories made together, family history, heartfelt letters, handmade gifts, etc.” LedaKicksTheSwan
Another User Comments:
“The one thing that Jack has conveniently forgotten about is the prenup. You were mature at the time when you got married – and so presumably you contemplated all potential outcomes, including divorce, death, and a change in fortunes. You went into the marriage and prenups with eyes wide open.
For Jack to complain now is ridiculous. Under his prior will, he was leaving nothing to you, nor to Thomas, upon his death.
I presume that has not changed. If he goes through with his threat of divorce, so too would he leave with nothing (assuming you are in a jurisdiction that respects prenups). I suspect that Jack’s anger is projection – anger at himself for not being able to provide for his children the way he imagined, the decline of his business, feeling like he hasn’t succeeded. Perhaps this is the angle from which to have further discussions.
Stick to your current will and the general approach you and with respect to the prenups, but it may help for him to know that you have sympathy for him, even if that may not change things monetarily.
Also, while he is emotional now – 50s are still young yet. He may think he has no options financially regarding his estate, but even small investments now can grow to be something significant in the future for his children.
You can certainly help him navigate that, without actually funding it.
NTJ.” leolionbag
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband probably feels a huge amount of guilt, fear, failure, and other unhappy things. As you say, he has essentially nothing now to leave for his children. It’s not your fault.
However, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to understand that your husband wants his kids to be taken care of in some capacity once he’s gone.
It is not your responsibility to do that. But I have to think that if I were in your shoes and I knew it would please my spouse that I would start a trust or something for his children. If that would dramatically alter the course for the son you raised in a negative way then of course that changes the calculus. In any case, it can both be true that you aren’t obligated or responsible in this situation but that it might be what you want to do anyway.
If you love your husband and you don’t fault him for his current situation, I would tend to not suggest you stand on the principle of your arrangement if it means you know he can’t be happy.
Have you tried opening a dialogue about what it might take for him to feel like he had met his obligation as a father in setting his kids up once he’s gone?
Similarly, he should not hold up the conversation on a ‘fairness’ principle and demand some ‘equal’ share of your for his kids. There might be some middle ground that you would be willing to trade for his happiness.
As a father, I can only imagine the sense of failure he is experiencing right now and he may merely be lashing out at you. I don’t mean to defend the behavior but I could understand it.
Good luck!” southernwx
One of kids will have to take him in and support him and how long will that last before they get sick of it
6. AITJ For Wanting To Split Rent Evenly?
“I make a significantly higher salary than my partner. Currently, we live together, and I pay about 2x as much rent as my partner and cover a lot of the expenses. That said, the apartment we live in was mine alone prior to cohabitating and is in an expensive area, where not just rent, but the cost of living, in general, is higher, so I think it’s fair, and I’ve never complained about (and never mention) covering the incremental costs for my partner accordingly.
The goal has been to keep her costs where they’d be if we lived someplace cheaper (level with her budget if she lived alone), and that has been accomplished without friction. Other than when she moved in, more than a year ago, and we laid out this goal, we haven’t discussed the financial arrangement; it’s been harmonious.
My partner would now like to move to a different neighborhood that’s closer to her friends, and where we could have a larger apartment (we currently have a 3br, 2 of which are our offices, but those offices are admittedly tiny; she shoots video for work and could legit use a larger space to do so).
I like where we live though, and don’t mind picking up the cost for both of us, and would prefer to stay.
That said, I told my partner to show me the places she’d like to move to, and I’d keep an open mind, especially if we could get a larger apartment for less amount. When she showed me places, they were a bit cheaper, and she framed out how much I’d save, but the math meant she was still expecting me to pay a higher share of the rent.
I pointed out that the numbers she was quoting implied I’d still be paying more than half, and that if we made this move since it would be something she wanted to do, I’d expect that we would start sharing expenses equally. This seemed to blindside her, and the apartments she’d picked out were no longer really in range if that were to be the arrangement.
She then pointed out that, to split the rent evenly, we couldn’t afford a bigger place in our city (we’re in NYC).
I think her feeling is that I’m using my financial situation to control where we live; that what she’s proposing would still be cheaper for me, even if I paid a higher proportion of the rent, and I don’t really care about the moolah anyway (which is somewhat true, if she moved out, I’d pay full rent on our current place, as I did before, which is obviously WAY more than any other proposed arrangement).
My perspective is that I pay the higher portion because we live a place of my choosing, and it makes sense for me to eat the cost accordingly, but if we lived a place of her choosing, I’d no longer want to pay that premium as I wouldn’t be getting the benefits I pay for (living in a desirable location).
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Some people are saying that you are controlling her with finances, but it sounds to me like:
You are willing to pay more where you are because you like where you are.
She wants you to move somewhere that you do not want to move, but still expects you to pay more (basically dictating how YOU spend YOUR funds, to live somewhere you don’t want to).
Thinking that this is not fair is perfectly reasonable.
She wants to move to a bigger place (which she needs? for work), closer to her friends. That is not unreasonable either (although expecting you to pay more to live somewhere SHE chooses is pushing boundaries a little)
It sounds like she wants to move out of the city – how will that affect your job?
Your commute? Your general attitude in the relationship? If you have to live somewhere ‘boring’, is it worth it to be with her, or will be you resentful?
If you don’t move, will she be resentful, will the relationship last?
Ultimately, you guys might just not be compatible anymore, but I do not think you are the jerk or controlling to be willing to pay more to live where you want, and not willing to pay more to live in a place that you do not want.” Himkano
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If you refuse to move unless it’s somewhere you and she will split the rent evenly, then you’re not going to like many (if any) of the places she can afford. That’s just a roundabout way of telling her you’re not moving.
Look, are you a couple sharing life together, or aren’t you? Because if you see yourself as being in it for the long haul with this woman, and also feel fairly certain that she’ll never earn as much as you do, then you’re always going to end up contributing more financially.
If you don’t like that notion, then break up with your gf and find someone with an income that is equal to or higher than yours.” AccessibleBeige
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I don’t know how long you guys have been together, but if you want to continue this relationship and think about your future it would probably be best if you paid more of the rent since you earn more.
If she is paying more in rent, then you would eventually make up the difference somewhere else. Say she spends most of her paychecks paying rent, utilities, food, and other necessary living expenses, but you would like to take a vacation with her.
She probably wouldn’t have the means to do that or she would have to skim from somewhere else to be able to swing that, so unless you want to get behind in utilities or rent you’d end up picking up the cost for that or just paying for the vacation yourself which she would be able to afford if she was paying for a lower rent.
This option, bigger apartment, less rent, works out better for both of you since you have more left over and her financial situation stays the same. You benefit more from it than she does really.” BlindBandit988
5. AITJ For Telling Off A Restaurant Owner After He Tried To Rip Us Off?
“Last week, my brother and I went to order pickup from a local Italian restaurant that is one of our favorites. It’s also worth noting that the owner/chef tends to be overly friendly with other Italians but standoffish with other people.
We got our pickup, got back home, and realized they were missing an entree. Without eating anything, I decided to bring it back to show them it was missing the entree. The owner cursed under his breathe and silently said ‘you never ordered it, so if you want another one you’ll be charged.’ The receipt clearly had the order on it.
I said to him ‘You’re trying to rip us off, me and my family come here all the time, I don’t get the hostility.’
He told me I was lying about the entree missing and trying to get an extra one. I got mad and said ‘I am never coming here again, you can go back to Italy you Italian jerk’ and I knocked over a napkin dispenser on the counter and left.
I am still mad that I was overcharged and never got my food.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. We’ve all been in a similar situation where we pay for food we don’t receive. It sucks, but it’s not the end of the world.
You lost all sympathy the second you became racist. There was no need for that.” Teddy-Bear-Doctor
Another User Comments:
“N T J for getting annoyed about the meal. Y T J for the racist remark about going back to his country and the ‘spray-tanned mobster wannabe’ (paraphrased as I tend not to memorize bigotry) comment in replies.” User
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You for the way you went off on the owner, and the owner for not recognizing a simple mistake and correcting it. It’s one thing to call someone out on bad behavior if they don’t own up to a mistake, it’s another thing to make offensive remarks based on someone’s race, nationality, ethnicity, or gender identity.” ohrain95
4. AITJ For Telling Grandpa How To Mow His Own Lawn?
“I’m (22m) not on the best terms with my great-grandpa (85) he’s mean and demanding and a bigot. He just recently got over being sick in the hospital.
He needed some yard work but won’t pay for it to be professionally done. I showed up with my significant other to help.
I don’t know if that triggered him or what but my grandpa decided to micromanage everything we did when we got there.
He decided to pull out a chair and set in the backyard to see if it gets down properly. He started to tell us the pattern on how he wants his yard mowed so it looks nice. After about one little row down grandpa came out screaming about that’s now how you mow the yard.
I had it. I told him to mow his own yard from now on. He started to say he can’t and everyone charges too much these days and it used to be cheaper and it’s because people are so entitled. I honestly wanted to put him in his place but he’s exhausting to be around so I said it’s not my problem you had me coming over here for free and you acted entitled. He started to argue the definition of entitled but I just left. I left the mower in the middle of the yard and my grandpa gave the neighbor a sob story about what happened so the neighbor helped him finish the yard.
Later on, my mom and grandma are calling me saying how rude I was to my great-grandpa and how he’s sick. I said I drove over to help him and he was rude. My grandma said ‘That’s how his generation is’ I rolled my eyes so hard at that and I’m honestly just so sick of my family’s drama and gaslighting that I took the time to tell them that I’m moving to the West Coast with my significant other this summer to get away from them so now I’m a double jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“It’s mixed for me. First of all, you threw in all that stuff about your man and grandpa being a bigot. It had nothing to do with what happened. It’s just an attempt to get people on your side.
Take out the guy and the bigotry.
TLDR: You went over to mow your grandfather’s yard. He told you he wanted it done a certain way.
You ignored him and started doing it your own way. He started yelling. You walked off, leaving the lawnmower in the middle of the yard.
I think you weren’t all that happy to mow the lawn, were spoiling for a fight, and used grandpa’s request for a specific pattern to provoke him, then used his yelling as an excuse to leave.
Grandpa, on the other hand, should let go of his habits and wanting things done a certain way, because beggars can’t be choosers.
He shouldn’t yell at the person mowing the lawn.
Everyone sucks here. At the very least, you could have put the lawnmower away.” PrivateEyes2020
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He doesn’t get to be a jerk just because he’s old. ‘Just his generation’ isn’t an excuse. Next time your family can do it or they can all chip in to pay someone. You don’t deserve to be abused for doing someone a favor.” Gr0uchPotato
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You have to understand he is 85 years old. Most likely he has some dementia and even if he has always been something like this, now it’s probably worse. He is also never going to find anyone to pay if he sits outside and gives them directions. Maybe do the yard work when he has a doctor’s appointment or take him out somewhere, and hire someone to do the yard work while you are gone.
He is a jerk because he can’t micromanage everything. But he is old.
Your grandma should just tell your grandfather they are moving to assisted living. They can get their own apartment and have no yard work.
You can move wherever you want. You don’t have to stay there to do yard work. But saying you want to move because of this is silly.” Coco_Dirichlet
And to the person who said wanting to move over this is silly, I don't think this one incident is what pushed OP to make this decision.
I think this was just the latest in a STRING of incidents that pushed OP to want to leave.
3. AITJ For Telling My Husband I'll Only Make Breakfast For Myself?
“My (22F) husband (27M) woke up today (Saturday) around 7:50 and told me he’s planning on making breakfast for us. He asked me what I wanted and we talked about it. I was excited to be treated to a nice breakfast on our day off.
I was on my phone browsing while he was laying down with his eyes closed. Not fully asleep but not awake either.
8:30 rolls around and I notice he fell into a deep sleep. I gave him a nudge and said, ‘what about that breakfast you mentioned?’ This was in a playful/cute manner, not aggro. He said 5 more mins and I said OK sure while thinking that I’ll give him an extra half hour so he really feels well-rested. 9:00 comes and I shake him gently to wake up.
No response. Keep in mind he has alarms which he ignored this whole time. Nothing around 9:30… 10:00. Then he wakes up for a second and says just a few more minutes. Now I’m getting really frustrated and annoyed but I say OK just a bit more but I won’t come to wake you up anymore (he has to rely on his own alarms). He says ok and goes back to bed. 11:30 comes and I’m hungry and impatient.
I knew if I made breakfast myself, he’ll get annoyed I didn’t wait for him and tell me why I don’t let him do nice things for me. Eventually, I woke him and told him that it was almost 11:40 and I’m gonna make breakfast for myself. He said what about me? I told him since he clearly needs his sleep, he can make himself breakfast when he wakes up.
He got annoyed and I left and ate breakfast by myself. Now he’s up around 12 and asking why I didn’t wait for him or wake him to make breakfast and I’m like ??? I reminded him I literally woke him up 10 times and he said just a bit more every time. Now he’s sulking and moping around that I ate breakfast by myself without including him.
I’ll admit me not making him any breakfast was a bit petty but I was frustrated to have to wait over 3 hours for breakfast. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – (Assuming this behavior is the norm) Please for your own peace and to break the emotional abuse you don’t even know you are living in, start changing things now…
For example: Hubby wants to make breakfast – great.
If he’s not literally up and doing it within the first 1/2 hour, except he’s not going to. Get up, start your day, and make your own. Calmly explain to him when he arrives hours later that you would have loved breakfast from him but it seemed like he needed his sleep. (Being petty and telling him his sleep was more important to him is really not a good conversation starter.)
If he does this type of behavior in other scenarios, use the same tactic. You are disengaging. It works wonders.
At some point, an emotionally intelligent, caring, and willing partner will want to communicate with you. Keep those avenues open.” cecilpenny
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Imagine how excited he would have been to wake up to his wife making breakfast. Sure he said he would but he was also obviously exhausted. Seems like a small thing to do in a marriage…” T_Nic_Marie
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, there comes a point in situations like this where you just accept they needed more sleep than they thought, will probably follow through on another day and just get up and make yourself breakfast. It’s disappointing sure, but at least you’re not perpetuating this cycle of hurt feelings” shantayyouthrowaway
2. AITJ For Being Mad At My Husband For Being Indecisive?
“Husband’s brother passed away 3 weeks ago (they weren’t really close if that makes a difference). Plus he had driven home in September for his younger brother’s funeral, has been sick because of grief which led to his pulled tendons).
The funeral is this Saturday (we just found out last Friday). Husband tore tendons in the leg so he can’t make the 12 hour trip by car. At first, he told the family he wasn’t going but then got some pressure from his sister about it so we started looking at flights. They are all over what we can comfortably pay since we are self-employed and finances are tight right now.
The lowest we found was $467 since he can’t fly coach with his leg the way it is and he would need at least the upgraded main cabin flight.
Yesterday and the day before he tells me he isn’t going but all day he keeps getting calls from his sister about flights (even though he already told her he couldn’t make it). She said she would pay $100 towards the flight but I doubt once he was there that he would actually get that money.
Anyway last night she called Delta and got a bereavement rate of $467. I said go but we can’t take the moolah out of the savings in the bank he would have to take it out of personal at-home savings. That led to a big fight and now he is not going even though out of guilt I said we would just take it out of the bank.
AITJ for saying it wasn’t a good idea for him to take it out of our savings and instead take it out of personal home savings that are not in the bank? And AITJ for being annoyed that he told me he wasn’t going and then because of added pressure from his sister he kept changing his mind?
EDITING TO ADD: He can only sit in one position for about 15 – 20 minutes or so without being in pain (if you have ever pulled a tendon or hamstring or Achilles rupture you know what I am talking about).
I was relieved when he said he wasn’t going because I didn’t want him to get worse just for a funeral. And maybe I was being a jerk by saying the thing about the but he is always putting others ahead of his own health and well-being. His sister is pressuring him because no one else on his side of the family is going because the day the brother died the kids and other family members were ransacking the house looking for moolah or whatever to take (this was less than 6 hours after they found out he was gone).
These jerks did all this while the mother (my SIL who we really don’t have a relationship with) who was in the accident too and paralyzed is in the hospital (and this is when she was in surgery and they didn’t even know if she would live). Plus his best friend is the one who organized the funeral per the wife which everyone is talking about because they thought the family should organize it and he is trying to now get the wife to invest in his business because the brother (her husband) was going to do that before he passed away and he is trying to get the brothers Harley (which is automatically paid off because he passed away based on his insurance policy).
So I was relieved that he said he wasn’t going and he only waffled on it because of his sister and it is annoying me.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I think.
If it were me, I’d ask myself why my husband is so conflicted about going. Either he really doesn’t want to go but his family is pressuring him into it, or he really does want to go but is worried about the funds.
Your post started out sounding like the former — that he really does not want to go, and that y’all were using the funds as partial justification for that. If that were the case, it would be a reasonable response to get angry with his family for putting unnecessary physical and emotional stress on him.
As the post goes on, however, it sounds like the moolah is the thing keeping him away.
I’ve been in that position, where we had a couple of family funerals close together and I simply could not afford (and also didn’t have the emotional availability) to attend the second one. It was a terrible feeling, and they were not siblings of mine.
Funerals are not just about mourning the loss of the deceased person and paying respects. It is about people supporting each other through the loss.
Even if he and his brother were not close, his parents and sister are hurting and it is good for him to want to be there for them if he can/wants to.
Either way, however, if his family is pushing him into something he doesn’t want, or if he really wants to go but feels guilty about the moolah — it’s his decision and it’s a painful time so there’s no reason to be upset with him.
And if you physically have the fund, it should be freely available. As the spouse of someone who has suffered what sounds like multiple losses, it is your responsibility to remove as many barriers as you can from his ability to do what is best for himself.” rachealhk
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It is a family issue, his brother is dead, it is an emergency and I suppose that’s why people save funds, so they don’t get caught up out of the blue.
It is pretty petty to say ‘take your personal funds’. When you marry someone, you are taking the full package.” GabiCoolLager
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. He’s lost not one, but two brothers within the past 6 months and you want to nitpick where the funds come from rn? Go to the bank and deposit the amount needed to cover the ticket. And yes, he’s allowed to change his mind about saying goodbye to his brother and being there for and with his family.
It sounds like the was the only reason he wasn’t going to go and with the offer from his sister, he wanted to go. You’re being a huge jerk.” International-Aside
And for anyone that saids I don't know what I'm talking about both my parents died in 2021 and an aunt as well.
1. AITJ For Putting My 9-Year-Old Kid On A Diet?
“Ex (32f) and I (34m) have a 9yo daughter ‘M’. We broke up when M was 5 and I moved away, I would see M in breaks and speak on the phone so I was as involved as I could be.
Last year I moved back. I now have her alternate weeks.
I had noticed M starting to put on weight. She’s not obese but seeing her in person, I’ve noticed she has a belly that hangs over her waistband, and she wears 12-13 clothes despite being only 9.
I spoke to ex and she got defensive, saying that M eats what she eats (ex is skinny and healthy) and has a sport she goes to twice a week. I asked about portion sizes and other exercises (twice a week for 90mins isn’t that much) I was trying to stay friendly but ex shut me down.
I know weight gets harder to lose the older you get so I decided to keep a close eye and do what I could on her weeks with me.
I did not put her on a crash diet but I did start using a portion control plate and packing lean lunches instead of letting her buy her food. (Carrot sticks, yogurt, flavored steamed chicken breast, etc.) M complained at first but then seemed fine with this.
I also took her to the gym with me 4 times a week, my gym has parent and child classes.
The only thing I said to M about it is that we were working to set her up for the future to be physically fit and mindful of what she eats.
So last week, a kid is having a birthday and the parents are taking a small group to the movies and after to sleepover. The parents asked that everyone send their kid with their own snack and then the parents would buy popcorn on top to share.
I’m trying to show my kid that snacks can be healthy, so I sent her with a bag of veggie sticks and hummus. She made a little fuss about not getting candy but seemed fine.
I dropped her off and my ex was gonna pick her up. Next day ex texts. I head over and my ex isn’t happy, M is upset and won’t look at me.
Apparently when they were sitting waiting for the movie kids started comparing snacks. M told the other kids that they were gonna get fat and unhealthy bc their parents gave them those snacks. She said she had to eat the veggies so she could lose weight, and she wasn’t allowed any popcorn (I never said this). Then at their house, after they ordered pizza for the kids M refused to eat saying she was gonna get fat.
The parents called ex and she came and got her.
M was crying saying that she was scared if she ate anything bad she’d put on weight and everyone would hate her. She told ex about our diet and gym. I hadn’t because it was my week and why should I divulge all our plans.
Ex ranted saying M always came home tired and refusing to eat.
She blames me for giving M a complex when she’s already healthy and active. I said if she was healthy she wouldn’t have a belly and be bigger than other girls. I said that at least I cared about what the girl puts in her mouth and she said M was happier before I moved back. Now ex is telling me she won’t send her back to me if I don’t stop ’emotionally damaging’ her.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You shouldn’t be anywhere near your daughter until you resolve whatever is wrong with you in private therapy sessions. She is NINE YEARS OLD and there is nothing wrong with her growing body.
I don’t think you actually give a darn about her health. You only care about how she is perceived by others.
This is how I know: you didn’t consult a pediatrician about limiting calories and drastically upping her exercise.
Also, you clearly didn’t do any research on how to transition to healthier eating without encouraging shame, guilt, and self-hatred in young girls. Your daughter is obsessed with not being ‘fat’ at nine years old, refusing food, and crying at the idea of eating.
Did you even bother to read about how to maintain the confidence and mental health of young girls when your daughter was born?
This is the world we – girls and women – live in. It’s an uphill battle at every single turn. We are constantly inundated with messages and images that we are not enough, worthless. It leads to mental health issues, eating disorders, abusive relationships, substance abuse, and death. You haven’t done the bare minimum to support your daughter in a society that is mentally and physically dangerous for girls and women.
YOU are the health threat. Not her stomach fat. YOU.
You have let her down. Seriously, shame on you. YTJ.” goldengirldorothy
Another User Comments:
“Holy crap YTJ. My dad once made an offhand comment about my ‘spare tire’ (muffin top) when I was a teenager and I still don’t eat normally, my eating is so screwed up because of my dad. He was constantly on me about what I was eating, the way my body looked, etc. I’m sure in his mind he was just looking out for my health.
(Even though skinny does NOT equal healthy.) I am a normal-sized adult woman, there is no reason for me to still be so constantly self-critical of my weight. But the stuff our parents do to us as kids really sticks with us.
YT biggest jerk for being so controlling with your daughter’s body and keeping her from enjoying being a kid. You’re teaching her early on that she should be critical of her body, food is something you have to earn, and being larger is a punishment for eating ‘bad food’.
She’s going to get enough body-shaming just from existing as a woman, she doesn’t need that from her parents. You’ve equated ‘being skinny’ to ‘approval from dad’, so conversely, ‘not being skinny’ = ‘disappointment from dad’. What happens when she naturally gets breasts and hips as a result of puberty? She’s going to hate herself for something she can’t control. Back off IMMEDIATELY, honestly I’d get some professional help involved (family therapist or pediatrician maybe?) because there’s no telling what kind of emotional damage you’ve already done.
Also, women and girls’ clothing sizes are a joke, it means literally nothing that ‘she wears 12-13 clothes’ at her age, some kids just grow faster. Maybe in one brand she’s a size 13 but in another, she could be a 7, there’s that much variation in women’s clothing sizes.” fuzzycricket93
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because whatever you said to M, with everything you did, reinforced a culture that already hates her as a little girl heading to puberty, that loathes women and fat women, in particular, linked self-worth with appearance and adherence to self-denial and is judged. You created a situation where she is now echoing that socially in inappropriate ways because you didn’t think about the ramifications beyond controlling her appearance.
You didn’t consider the importance of social eating for community and relationship building, or as a thing, you can be moderate about. You took a social outing from celebratory to denialism and control, with no guidance whatsoever for your kid to handle that.
I am a big ole fattie. My kid is not, her dad is not. We actively and consistently talked about food and exercise from the time she was young, in terms of how to support intrinsic and helpful behaviors because we knew I did not have that.
We didn’t know if she was gonna have a body like mine (inclined to weight gain, really shoddy, and prone to all sorts of issues that lead to reduced activity even before puberty) or like his (retains muscle, leaner, less prone to injury/illness). We are separated now, and we absolutely still talk about it because we have to balance what we know about health, with what society says about weight, and the two are quite different.
We talk about food in terms of macros, in terms of nutrients, in terms what they do for your body. We talk about exercise in terms of what feels good, what is fun, what it changes about your body. We emulate those things – dad goes to the gym, mum has a series of PT exercises and stretches, dad has a high b***d sugar result and is changing his diet, mum has low iron and is doing the same.
We don’t mention weight. She isn’t dumb, she can see that I am fat and dad is not. She can also see me not make a big deal of it or be harmful to myself about it. Her dad doesn’t do that either.” handsofanautomaton
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