People Have Full Control In These “Am I The Jerk?” Stories

“I did ballet as a kid. It started as just the regular fun stuff you do after school, prancing around being fairy princesses and all that junk.

Only sometime later, the teacher recommended to my parents that I attend more serious dance classes, so my mother enrolled me in Saturday classes at a local dance center. I was GOOD at ballet, I got excellent grades in exams, I was loving it.

Only, when I was 10, the dance lessons just stopped. No one told me anything so I didn’t find out why until years later – because my body was changing.

As time went on, I resented this more and more because I was legitimately good at dancing and really liked it but that apparently meant nothing to her.

I didn’t get the chance to start dancing again until I was 18. Now I’ve been in my university dance club for the last three years.

I attend six classes a week and I give my all every single time because I genuinely want to get good. Only, I’d lost everything. My technique, style, and grace had all gone and I had to start building it from the ground up, but that’s so much harder at 18.

Recently, I tried to choreograph my own dance and put everything into it, only to be crushed at the way I looked doing it. My technique was so sloppy I looked like I was intoxicated and I felt delusional.

That night at uni, I called my mother and confronted her.

I demanded to know how my dancing had meant so little to her and why she hadn’t even TOLD me or asked for my input all those years ago. She got angry that I was upset at this when I had a degree to focus on, and wouldn’t answer or apologize at all when I pointed out that she didn’t ask or tell me anything about canceling my dance lessons.

Later that same night, my dad called me and I told him what happened. For the first time in years, I cried actual, heaving, sobbing tears. I told him how l felt like the life I wanted had been denied, how me being really good at something I loved and was achieving in had meant so little to my mother, and how at this point I’m unlikely to get it back.

My dad asked what I wanted from him and my mother. I wanted an apology, for her to acknowledge that what she did wasn’t right, so I could have some peace. I said that to Dad and he said he would have a word with her, but I heard nothing back.

My mother won’t apologize because she did what she thought was right at the time BUT IT WASN’T. I don’t see how she could’ve thought it WAS the right thing. Yeah, I was getting teased about my body but those were coming WAY more from my school friends than my dance friends.

Also, dance has a ton of benefits – every dancer worth their salt has danced through puberty and it HELPS their changing body.

On the other hand, I know that being a bad dancer isn’t the worst thing, and parents aren’t perfect and can’t see the future.

The fact that this reduced me to an uncontrollable sobbing breakdown makes me feel like a child throwing a tantrum. And yeah, it was over ten years ago, but I’m the one still paying the price.

AITJ here?”

Another User Comments:

“Inclined to lean towards no jerks here.

Parents make mistakes and it can be really hard to face the truth that your well-intentioned mistake cost your child something they feel they missed out on. I’d bet dollars to donuts that she’s been thinking about what you’ve said a lot and is trying to face that reality in her own way.

From what you wrote, it doesn’t sound like you fought it all too hard when lessons stopped – and what child doesn’t want to have fewer obligations? At that point, your mom probably thought she made the right choice. It sucks that the choices our parents make will affect us in our adult lives, but that’s just the way things work out.

There are a thousand other adults who had a great potential for dancing and their parents never even gave them the chance to foster that interest in the first place. We can’t change the past, we can only work on who we want to be with what we can control.

You might never be a dancing prodigy, but you can still be good at dance. You’ll probably have to work harder at it, but if it’s something you really want you can still achieve it. Don’t squander your present by lamenting the past or you’ll only get more bitter as time passes.

Being upset is valid, venting to your mom is okay, just try to remember that she didn’t make this choice maliciously. She’s just human like you.” AmnesiA_sc

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. I hate the phrase that life isn’t always fair, but plenty of children have extracurricular activities canceled as children for financial reasons.

It doesn’t ruin their lives. You’re only 18, you’re still young, if this is really something you’re passionate about, you’ll stick it out and make up for lost time. You may never be a professional, but there was no guarantee you would have been, even with all the childhood training in the world.

You should dance because it brings you joy, not because you’re the best at it. It’s okay to have feelings about the choices your parents made for you over the years, but it’s immature for you to throw a tantrum over things that aren’t actually neglectful or abusive in any manner.

Parents are humans doing their best. Sometimes they make the wrong call. You’re not doing anything emotionally productive for yourself by leaning into the feeling that when something isn’t ideal in your life there must be someone to assign blame to for it it.

You’re not entitled to an apology for everything.” Mayalestrange

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. First, no one is a good dancer at 10. If you were a prodigy, the teacher would have let your parents know. So in reality, you were having fun, but maybe as your body changed you looked awkward and out of place with the other 10-year-olds.

Did you practice every day? Did you ask for more lessons? Or are you now looking back and wishing, remembering a passion you never really had? Second, lessons cost money. When you factor in shoes and leotards and whatever else, that becomes expensive. And for a parent, time-consuming.

Driving to the lessons, hanging around, driving home. Not to mention the pure and agonizing torment of recitals. Third, as a parent, you try a bunch of things. Swimming, softball, gymnastics, violin, theater, you throw a bunch against the wall and you see what sticks.

Both for your kids and you. A family is not obligated to be centered around a 10-year-old. Being sobbingly angry a decade later is beyond childish. Your parents did what they thought was right. You aren’t paying a price. It is the epitome of selfishness you are displaying right now.

Apologize to your parents and honestly, grow up.” whiporee123