People Freak Out On These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
23. AITJ For Trying To Communicate My Feelings To My Defensive Mom?
“I (16F) have felt that for the past few weeks, my mum didn’t want to spend as much time with me as she usually did.
So I tried to sit down and have a conversation with her about it. My mom takes these things generally very poorly, so I tried addressing it as sensitively as possible. I told her that I didn’t want her to take my feelings as criticism, that knew and appreciated that she was doing her best, and that at the end of the day, it could be just a feeling, not reality.
My mom reacted by redirecting it towards me, telling me that I’m the one who doesn’t want to spend time with her and that I’m only using her for money, when I asked if she was only deflecting by saying this or if that was how she truly felt, she told me she was done with this conversation and stormed off to watch TV.
Later that evening, I came up to her again and told her that I thought it would be healthy to try and end the conversation properly. She told me that I was attacking her and criticizing her that I told her I was unhappy and that I said she’s a bad mom.
I of course told her that I don’t think any of these things, and asked her if she was just insecure and that’s why she reacted the way she did. I continued saying that even this type of communication, though it might not always be comfortable, is just as important as praise in any relationship and that I was of course grateful for everything she does for me.
I felt as if I was speaking a foreign language at that point since she kept circling back to me calling her a bad mom, and even saying I think she was a lousy person altogether. I of course don’t think that she is, she’s a strong and kind woman, but her words honestly hurt.
After I tried to explain again and again, she would always either insult me, accuse me of attacking her, etc etc, I got tired of the conversation and told her that I truly did want to help her get out of this cycle of not being able to handle communication, but that she clearly doesn’t want to, and so I can’t force her into anything and she can’t be helped at the moment.
She just stopped talking, I told her that I loved her and left the room. Now that I’m thinking about it, was this out of line or not?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were just the only adult in the conversation. Mom is just being manipulative.
She even had a little tantrum when she stormed off to watch TV. Look up the term DARVO. That’s what mom did.” WhereWeretheAdults
22. AITJ For Locking Apps On The TV Because Of Disrespectful Roommates?
“So I realize this is already going to be incredibly petty and I’m very iffy on it but let me add some context.
I live with my significant other and I have two roommates who are also a couple. My significant other’s parents own the house and let us live there with very cheap rent and we’re very lucky as it’s a lot cheaper (it’s less than $500 a month) than the places around us.
I was very happy when we were able to move in so I bought a lot of things for the house for us to use. The problems started before our roommates moved in as we moved in a month earlier they’d start showing up and walking into the house and spending the night and then they’d leave a mess and leave it for us to clean up while they were gone for longer periods.
Some of this mess included leaving molded foods and household appliances in the backyard. Those stayed there for 3 months until a few weeks ago by the way.
Now they moved in and we realized they’d be messy and they started acting rude so we had a roommate group chat that my significant other immediately muted leaving me to be the only one that communicated boundaries (such as not leaving food in the dishwasher or dog pee on the floor) or anything with them which I think led to some resentments as they seem to have boundary issues.
Recently we’ve gotten into a lot of arguments and it’s been my significant other starting them but they praise him for being a mediator and insulting me even though I barely said anything at all. I kind of got fed up with this last argument and told them I don’t like the way they talk to me and that I’d like to separate everything as all they do is scratch up my brand new pots and pans and they never clean them anyways.
I separated everything and they got upset and it caused a huge argument they’ve been making us nothing but miserable the past few weeks and the only thing they listen to has been just me taking my stuff away. I own most of the stuff (they didn’t want to buy anything when they moved in, they said they would and then didn’t) and I don’t appreciate being disrespected and don’t want them breaking more of my stuff and I’d rather give away my tv but my significant other said locking the apps on the tv that we have logins on would start less drama.
The problem is they use all our accounts on there. I guess this is mostly a vent but also is it messed up if I just locked all the apps on the TV?”
Another User Comments:
“This sounds like a horrible situation to be in.
Your partner should speak with his parents and advise them of what is happening. Depending upon where you live, they may be able to break the lease for cause. Do investigate the tenancy rules for where you live.” shattered7done1
21. AITJ For Accidentally Scratching My Friend's Phone While Picking It Up Off The Floor?
“So my (M14) friend (also M14) had his phone lying face down on the floor for who knows how long after what I assume was him dropping it, until a girl who sits near us (this happened in class) asked who’s phone it was on the ground.
I recognized it and I was near it, so I slid it to me with my foot and picked it up. Me sliding it with my foot caused it to scratch (barely noticeable, you can only see it if you’re looking for a scratch) anyway, he got super upset about it, and made a gigantic deal of it.
I mean, fair enough, I wouldn’t be happy either, but he was just really, really upset. He told the teacher (which was fair), stopped paying attention to class, texted his mom, looked up the price to repair it ($169!?!??! For tiny hair width scratches?) Told me I had to pay for it, I told him I’d talk to him after class, he went to the teacher again, and she told us to go to the main office.
There the person at the desk (I don’t know if she’s a receptionist she seems to have more roles than that but still) told us that it wasn’t a school issue and it was an accident and I clearly didn’t mean to do it and that I was doing him a favor, and it was also kind of his fault because it was on the floor, and he’s lucky it didn’t break by him dropping it.
She said maybe we could split the costs. He was still visibly upset so she sent us to talk to the VP about it “if it made us feel better”
The VP said that these things happen and that it was unintentional (she also said that it wasn’t a school issue and we should settle it amongst ourselves) and then she asked for his phone so she could see the damage, and she looked at it for a while, put on her glasses because she couldn’t see it, and said that the damage seems minimal and that things like this happen to phones.
After that, she told us to work it out and we left.
I don’t know what to do, I haven’t had that kind of money since I was 14, I told him I could give him $50 on Monday, but I don’t know, that’s the money I use for my school lunch and stuff, I’m gonna be broke and he’s definitely not gonna be happy with that considering how much he emphasized that I should pay for the barely existing scratches.”
Another User Comments:
“Do not give him your lunch money. You need to eat. You’re both children and I can understand him being upset that his new phone is damaged but at the end of the day, he is the one who let his phone drop to the floor.
Who’s to say if you hadn’t picked it up someone wouldn’t have walked by and stepped on it and damaged it worse? This is truly a case of “no good deed goes unpunished.” Also, did he have a screen protector on his phone?
If he did the replacement should NOT be $169, and if he didn’t that’s also his fault. NTJ.” icarusonfireagain
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s basically “he said, she said.” He’s insisting you were the reason it was scratched, but cannot 100% verify it.
You’re supposed to pay him money because he claims you did it? I don’t buy that. Also… if his phone has a case, and the case is kind of raised on the sides around the actual phone unless his phone was stepped on with downward pressure, I don’t think the motion of you coaxing it using your foot would have scratched it since the case would be touching the surface of the ground first. Not sure if that makes sense without a physical demonstration…” kikikoni
Another User Comments:
“Don’t give him your lunch money; you need to eat, it’s far, far more important! Your friend/classmate just learned why phone cases and/or screen protectors are used if you value a pristine phone. He is lucky it didn’t break when he dropped it.
I don’t think this is your problem.” ZebraGroundbreaking1
20. AITJ For Breaking Up With My Partner After His Extreme Behavior?
“So my sisters and brother-in-laws came over and I asked him to leave. He got very angry and argumentative. While he and I argued my family packed up all his stuff and put it in his car. He didn’t have much at mine as most of his furniture and other bigger items were already in storage.
He couldn’t believe I’d break up with him over such a “little thing.” As if he hadn’t spent three days yelling and ranting at me. He finally left and is now staying at his parent’s house. His parents called me to ask what happened. I explained the situation and they said it was for the best we broke up.
I didn’t see him for a few days but he called and texted a whole bunch and it was just him flipping between being regretful of his behavior to raging at my audacity and stupidity. Then I got a call from Mike one of his friends and he asked me what happened because my ex-partner was telling people he broke up with me for being unfaithful.
He caught me sleeping with some random dude.
I explained the situation to his friend and he laughed saying he was wondering when he’d bring up his money schemes. So we had a long chat and he told me how my ex had recently lost a lot of money in trading and that’s what had him stressed and anxious it’s also what pushed him over the edge.
He was angry with me for not taking the same risks he takes. He complained to Mike about me being a risk-averse person. Mike told me to move on and to change my locks because my ex had a history of being nasty when dumped.
He was right because a few days after that ex broke into my house and defecated on my kitchen counter. He was arrested while he was in the process of evacuating his bowels. I changed to codes to my security system so he couldn’t get in with the old codes and by the time he had broken into the back door, police were already on their way.
He tried to tell the police that he was my partner and lived in the house but what resident breaks the back door of their house bleeds over the entire hallway and then defecates on their kitchen counter?! He spent the night in jail and was bailed out the next day by his parents.
They called to apologize and I told them to never contact me again. I am also in the process of getting a protection order.
I have never been in a relationship with crazy before and I am gobsmacked at his insanity.”
Another User Comments:
“So once you’ve secured the house and your finances, make sure you let your job know what’s up.
No one should be giving out information about your schedule or telling your “partner” where you’re working. The ultimate goal is for him to go away and leave you alone. Don’t make it any more contentious than it needs to be. Highly recommend The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker.
Lots of information about dealing with an unstable ex.” jillian512
Another User Comments:
“Congratulations on freeing yourself from crazy! Do everything you can to stay safe because, in my experience, they escalate. I have a 35lb fuzzy rock of a dog that happens to bark like a 300lb beast. Perhaps a canine companion would bring some normal joy to your life?
Or just getting Beware of Dog signs, scattering some bones around, and getting one of those recorders that plays the Bark of the Beast would be easier.” unlovelyladybartleby
Another User Comments:
“This sounds bad… but I don’t care what cleaner they used… that kitchen table would be firewood after that.
I would never be able to eat at that table again. (And I hope they put longer screws in the kickplate to make the door last a few more hits.) Before I forget: car alarm for your car. Good luck OP” [deleted]
19. AITJ For Punishing My Son After He Participated In A No-Shower Challenge?
“Ever since Thursday, my 9-year-old son Evan has been avoiding taking a shower or bath.
I prefer he showers.
On Thursday I just said skipping one shower night isn’t worth an argument.
On Friday, he had three of his friends for a sleepover, and collectively their hair reeked.
On Saturday, I took them hiking and I told all of them that they were going to shower when wrote back.
They just shrugged. We got home and I said I’ll order pizza once they showered. Your parents didn’t give you spare clothes for anything. Be dirty and go hungry or be clean and be full.
Two of them hopped in the shower and said they didn’t care about “winning” and I was like whatever does that mean?
I told my son and his other friend to go shower and my son said no and the other kid said he didn’t want to. Ok. Forget them both.
I ordered the pizza and teased them how I got extra cheese and onions and oh look I accidentally ordered Oreo cookie bites and cinnamon pull-ations.
His friend said my son can win for all he cares and took a shower. Right after this kid finished, my son took a shower. I kid you not, the shower floor was gross. I take hot bubble baths in that tub.
The boys left this morning and I was talking to the parents of one of the boys.
I said I had to blackmail your child to shower. The dad said oh I guess he lost the challenge. I said what challenge? He said the boys came up with a challenge to see who could go the longest without a shower this weekend and the losers had to give the winner their classroom currency (their teachers give out fake dollars for good behavior and every Friday they can cash them in for prizes).
I said I didn’t know about that. They said they wouldn’t know either if they were the ones hosting the ssleepover I said so you knew about this and didn’t say anything to me? They said it was 9yo boys being 9yo boys and I’d figure it out.
I asked my son about it and he said it was true because he now has enough to get anchor with his teacher, probably this Friday. My son said he rented to go with his teacher because he takes kids to a place by the pier and he lets them go on a few rides.
I told my son he put me through a tough time over the weekend and he didn’t apologize so I’m not going to give the okay for this lunch thing. He got upset and cried and said it wasn’t fair.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You sound just as immature as the 9 of you.
You should have had your child shower on Thursday knowing the schedule for the upcoming weekend. Making other kids shower at your house during a sleepover is weird AF. Threatening and disciplining your child in front of friends is embarrassing. Using food as a discipline is never ok.
No one “put you through a tough time” over the weekend. You need to figure out this parenting stuff better before you get to the teen years. Signed, a mom of boys.” mystery
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. One, you should have picked up on it way earlier and had you not been so hyper-focused on yourself and your tub, you would have seen the clues, and two, this sounds like pretty harmless fun between peers.
Call me lenient but eh. I would have laughed when I found out. And last, “forget them both?” Seriously?” sheramom4
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. 9-year-old boys are generally jerks, but you are the adult, and you should not be reacting the way the children do.
It’s your responsibility to ask questions when the kids you’re supervising are acting suspiciously, and your responsibility to enforce your own child’s hygiene. Maybe a compromise would have been better. Explaining that your son can’t scheme his way to get the teacher bucks, he has to earn them, but if he showers 6/7 days in a week you’ll take him to the pier yourself, or something like that!” allisonjpeg
18. AITJ For Asking My Roommate To Continue Paying Utilities After He Moves Out Early?
“I (24F) live with my partner (24M) and a mutual friend (24M) in a 2-bedroom apartment in Kentucky. Our lease started in August 2023 and ends at the end of July 2024. We all have friends and family in Chicago and we have planned to all move up there after our lease is up.
My roommate and his partner (23M) have been eager to move to Chicago and unexpectedly signed a lease in the city that starts in April. They are now moving several months before our lease is over. My roommate offered to continue paying rent for the remainder of the lease but he wants to be exempt from paying utilities after he leaves.
I do not think this is fair. The 3 of us signed a lease together and committed to equally contribute to rent and utilities for the entire year. My roommate is concerned about now having to pay double rent/utilities (for his Chicago apartment and KY apartment) at the same time.
I do not think this is my problem. It was his choice to move out early in the middle of our lease. I don’t think it is fair for my partner and me to have no choice but to pick up his slack. My roommate is arguing that he doesn’t think he should pay forelectricityc/water/wifi that he will not be using and have no control over.
I graduate in May and am starting the job search process in Chicago. I am interested in starting a job at the middle-end of May so I can start making income ASAP. I know that this is a personal decision and I am still responsible for contributing my part of the rent and utility payments in KY until our lease is up.
If I ended up leaving in May, I would never just leave the entirety of the bills to my partner, who would be the only one left in the apartment. So then it feels even more unfair for us both, me and my roommate, to be gone, but I continue paying utilities and he does not.
My roommate then offered to pay a portion of the utilities. We usually pay around $60 each per month. His offer was $20-$30. I am not in a financial position to take on a higher cost of living. This still doesn’t feel right to me, especially if I do end up moving in May and he would continue to receive a “discount” and I would not.
I think we all just need to continue paying equally and finish out our lease. But is this worth the argument? Should I let him contribute only part of the utilities? Am I the jerk for asking him to continue to pay utilities after he decided to move out early?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Expecting rent is fine but expecting utilities too is ridiculous. He’s not using that stuff and the cost goes up or down depending on how much is used. So if you decide to take long showers and overuse the heat or AC you think he should pay for it?” Calm_Psychology5879
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – he signed the lease, so he’s responsible for the rent he agreed to pay. For the utilities – there is probably some set minimum you are required to pay each month for gas, electricity, etc. Find out what the minimums are and only charge him his share of that.
I’d not charge him the internet – as a parting gift and maybe it will run more quickly without his devices.” MercuryRising92
Another User Comments:
“This depends on what your lease says. If it says that everyone is responsible for rent throughout the final day of the lease period, then that is what the Roommate is responsible for.
If it says that everyone is responsible for ALL household expenses, then that is what he is responsible for. The former is more likely and standard language. The latter is not. So my advice is that you read your copy of the lease and see what it says.
You wouldn’t be a jerk as long as you follow what is written down. You would be if you try to tack on additional costs to the Roommate he is not legally bound to pay just because it feels “fair” to you.” grckalck
17. AITJ For Distancing Myself From My Best Friend Over Disrespect Towards My Partner?
“So Daisy (F19) and I (F19) have been such close friends we could call each other sisters for around 4 years. She is amazing we could always rely on each other and had each other’s backs no matter what.
However, once I started seeing my current partner Blake (M21) back in November 2022 I started hanging around Daisy less and less. This is not because Blake was isolating me from my friends this is because I was working 2 jobs averaging around 12-14 hour days and would be too exhausted to socialize after.
When I did hang out with Daisy and Blake would be brought up she would continually talk down about him and treat him like he was less than human. I could sort of understand this because, at the beginning of our relationship, I thought he was being dishonest with me and jumped to conclusions and went to Daisy to talk about it rather than talking to Blake.
After talking to Blake yes I was overreacting and apologized to him and explained the situation to Daisy. I don’t think it is right to talk down to someone and tell her so but she always brushed me off, even after I explained this was hurting Blake after a handful of times she talked like that to his face.
As my relationship with Blake progressed and my work hours stayed consistent I went weeks without seeing Daisy and I moved across the country for school in September 2023. Our relationship didn’t improve and we talked less and less. I will admit I didn’t make a move to initiate a conversation because I couldn’t get over her disrespect towards Blake.
In January 2024 after 4 to 5 months of not speaking, I realized she had removed me from all social media. I didn’t cause a fuss over this because I had seen her social media before and it looked like she had replaced me with a new best friend so I didn’t confront her.
I came across a TikTok she had reposted saying “When your card declines at therapy they bring up your best friend you saw as a sister that cut you out of her life for her partner.”
From knowing her for so long I feel like she is hurting and doesn’t have closure however, I had explained to her I did not agree with the way she was speaking about my partner.
I would just like to know if I made the right decision distancing myself from her as I am recently engaged to my partner and am planning to spend my life with him. Should I give her closure, or should I leave it, am I overreacting?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Why would you continue any relationship with someone who talks so badly about your partner? Additionally, “you hurt his feelings” and “I don’t agree” is not a boundary. A boundary is more like, “If you continue to disrespect my partner, I will end this friendship.” This shows the seriousness of the offense and gives a person time to correct the unwanted behavior.
If you couldn’t communicate effectively then, why would you now reach out to “give her closure” after 5 months? You weren’t concerned with her feelings before. The only reason you started is because she passively aggressively blasted you on TikTok. Just leave her alone.” FancyStay3660
Another User Comments:
“You set boundaries and she continued to cross them. You are not wrong for choosing your partner’s feelings over her disrespect. I personally don’t like my best friend’s partners but I always respect them because I respect my best friend. Depending on how badly you miss her or want to validate your actions, you can either reach out or leave things where they are.” [deleted]
16. AITJ For Removing My Neighbor's Laundry From The Shared Washing Machine?
“I (26M) had to move in with my cousin (27F) because my family decided to sell the house and move to Florida.
They wouldn’t let me join for reasons I’d rather not go into.
I had to wash my clothes, so I went to the washing machine in the basement to run a cycle. I saw laundry in the washing machine with 10 minutes left, so I looked up what to do.
Several AITJ threads suggested as long as I wait 20 to 30 minutes, I should be good to just take the clothes out and put them on the table next to the machines. I waited down there for half an hour and decided to do just that.
My neighbor came downstairs literally as I was pulling out a few pairs of undergarments, and she started screaming and telling me to get away from her clothes. Her partner came downstairs and got in my face, accusing me of trying to steal or sniff her clothes and that they weren’t able to get the laundry because of an “emergency” which they refused to elaborate on.
I got scared and dropped her clothes on the floor by accident because I have PTSD and anxiety, and it terrifies me when men yell at me. I was shaking. Then they started screaming even more, demanding I pay for another load, etc.
I ran upstairs and told my cousin what was going on.
She said, “Stuff happens, dude. If you’re in a hurry, use the laundromat across the street. Don’t touch people’s stuff without permission anymore.” I pointed out that I was getting screamed at by a physically imposing man and felt unsafe, and she said, “Don’t you think she felt unsafe seeing a random man with her clothes?
What’d you think would happen?” She eventually asked what gave me “the good idea to go through a woman’s clothes” and I showed her the posts I read. She told me to not come here for advice anymore because this place is “out of touch with reality” and that I should’ve just knocked on their door “instead of being passive-aggressive.” She also accused me of not giving me the whole story because of stuff she heard about me when I was like 10.
The next day, a notice was sent out to the entire complex (it’s a group of 5 duplexes) telling people to not touch each other’s laundry. I went upstairs to apologize to try and be the bigger person, but I guess my neighbor decided her reaction was okay because she had a stalker at her last building and she had a flashback or something.
So AITJ? I’m just confused on why any of this happened because I’ve seen so many threads saying to do exactly this.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The neighbors are jerks. And so is the complex for encouraging people to be entitled selfish jerks by leaving their laundry in there for as long as they want to and to heck with everybody else who needs to do their laundry in a SHARED COMMUNITY SPACE.” mrsdonhenley2
Another User Comments:
“I haven’t had to share laundry facilities in a long time so I won’t weigh in on etiquette. But I think it’s pretty rich that you have PTSD and want them to be more understanding of your position, yet your phrasing (“I guess my neighbor decided her reaction was ok because she’d had a stalker at her last building”) is completely dismissive of her trauma that made her react that way.
You also dismiss the idea that she had an emergency that held her up because she wouldn’t disclose details to a total stranger? Yikes. You’re determined to be the victim and downplay anyone else’s circumstances.” SongIcy4058
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your building may have a different protocol – presumably based on everyone being friendlier than is normal at other housing complexes – but it is indeed rude to leave your laundry sitting in the machine, and most shared facilities in my experience share the custom of moving the laundry if needed. It is customary to leave the basket so that if someone needs to use the machine & you’re not there they have somewhere to put it.
But I’ve also seen laundry left on folding tables and plastic chairs.” mifflewhat
15. AITJ For Asking My Brother To Change His Wednesday Wedding Date Due To My Medical School Obligations?
“My older brother and his fiance decided that they wanted to have a very small wedding ceremony at a lakefront cottage next fall…on a Wednesday…
For context, I’m in medical school (and will still be in medical school next fall), so life for me can be pretty hectic in terms of my class schedule, clinical rotations, and of course tons of studying. And while these various obligations can be taxing, they alone obviously wouldn’t ever prevent me from attending my own brother’s wedding.
However, I just found out we have a scheduled final exam the Friday after his proposed Wednesday wedding ceremony next fall. Unfortunately, rescheduling/moving a final exam is simply not an option for me.
Furthermore, the proposed wedding is an 8-hour drive from where I live (excluding stops and such).
And to make life even harder, the location of the wedding is about 2 hours from the nearest regional airport. So any thought of flying would mean that I would have to make a connection and THEN have to drive two hours on top of that.
Altogether flying would probably take just as long, if not longer, than driving (not to mention would also be more costly). So regardless, I would be looking at 8+ hours of travel each way.
And just to be thorough, we as medical students DO have several classes/sessions every week where we have to physically be present on campus.
Unfortunately, my school is pretty stringent about what qualifies as an excused absence, so I’m not sure ‘my brother getting married’ would qualify as an excusable absence. But even if they did grant me the excuse for absence, I would still be obligated to complete the make-up work, which is always obscenely laborious (likely as punishment for missing class).
So in addition to the final exam and travel time, the added burden of missing class is, well, a burden.
All told I am kind of frustrated that my brother didn’t even run his proposed wedding date by me beforehand. Especially when you consider that they’re only inviting like 16 people in the first place, so if you’re only inviting immediate family/closest friends, at least make sure everyone on your tiny guest list can make it.
I’m also frustrated by his decision to have it on a Wednesday. Like if it’s on a weekend that’s a lot more manageable for me since I won’t have to miss class. He knows I am in medical school, so I think it’s a pretty selfish move to not even consider what my availability might look like.
The good news is that I’m not sure if anything in terms of dates/reservations/accommodations is finalized yet, so perhaps he can change the date without too much of a headache. Nevertheless, AITJ for asking him to change his wedding date?”
Another User Comments:
“YWTJ. Better to say that you can’t come with the reason of a final than be the guy who asked his brother to move HIS wedding. At least have a conversation with him and lay out the reasons. He can’t be mad that you can’t come and you can’t be mad that it’s on a Wednesday.
People attending this kind of event need to remember that weddings, funerals, etc are not meant to be planned around them.” AhSighLumm
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTA my sister is in her residency rn and if I were getting married I would check when she was available!
I’m not gonna ask her to put her career as a doctor in jeopardy for a small ceremony that could be any other day. Maybe because I’m proud of her and want her to be by my side as well? And I understand that her going through med school/residency is grueling and can’t just be picked up and left off.
I would also check with all of my closest friends and family that I wanted there before settling on a date! Why is that such a weird concept for some of you guys? You’re allowed to elope if you don’t want people there.
And they’re jerks for scheduling a destination wedding on a Wednesday. Like that’s so annoying. Best wishes, ask them to change it. But if I were you I’d stick to your studies. You could be an MD forever but will they be mr and mrs?” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Are you someplace other than the United States? I ask mainly because given how college semesters are…. In February I can let you know when your finals are for spring… But given that then there is the summer semester, during which you won’t yet know which classes you are in, and so won’t know the end of summer finals… Let alone what class schedule you are looking at for the fall semester and when the tests are for then… I never knew my class schedule and therefore the test schedule twas hree semesters out.
Yes him scheduling a wedding, at a destination away from where everyone lives in the middle of the week seems odd, almost like he doesn’t want any guests to attend.” AmethystSapper
14. AITJ For Not Intervening When Friends Disrespected My Partner's Dislike Of Receiving Gifts?
“So I (M35) have been seeing Dorian (F30) for almost a year now. Before that, I had known her for 15 years, and she was an incredible, sweet, and generous person.
I reckon that she might be on the spectrum, she rarely leaves her house (works remotely), and genuinely dislikes social gatherings, so although our group of friends love her, they rarely get to see her. But overall, she has this thing, where she loves buying expensive gifts for people she loves, treating them to fancy meals, etc, but if you try and do the same for her, she will get upset about it, to the point of tears, that’s just how she is.
Although we are not officially a couple, we do long video chats, and message daily, she’s involved in my business, as much as I am in hers and I already got to meet her family. The gifting started on my birthday, with beautiful, well thought and really expensive things, that our friends didn’t fail to notice.
With Valentine’s Day approaching, many of them started asking what I was getting for Dorian, to which I replied that I was planning on a surprise visit, and perhaps cooking some dinner together. Note please, money is not an issue on my side either, we are both high earners, but I didn’t want to upset her on a special day like our first Valentine’s together.
Our friends “took pity on her” and someone decided it was a good idea for everyone to pitch in to get her a huge teddy bear and God knows what else.
Cue one friend, Alice (29F) couldn’t keep it to herself, and messaged Dorian to tell her all about how “she wouldn’t feel left out for Valentine’s this year, because her friends got her covered while I was too cheap to get her something nice.” A couple of hours later, Dorian wrote a stern message in the group chat saying she dislikes gifts because she doesn’t want to feel like she “owes” anyone, that she enjoys making people happy, but she is happy NOT getting to owe anything, that she thought the fact of calling me “broke” was crude, and was interfering on something nobody but her and I understood.
She then bid goodbye to everyone and left the group.
Everyone was messaging me like crazy, asking me to intervene, and make her reconsider her decision, I told them no. She’s sad and upset, and it was them who decided to disrespect her choice. Some have been going as far as blaming me, saying it is my fault she has distanced herself because if I had given her stuff properly, they wouldn’t have felt “the need to do it so she wouldn’t feel sad on Valentine’s” which I feel is BS.
So, AITJ”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I don’t think you did anything wrong. Dorian puts people in an uncomfortable position with her stance on gifts. It’s normal that her friends see her giving lavish gifts and want the same for her.
I mean.. she can say no gifts and get upset, that’s her prerogative.. but it goes against the grain of social norms and it’s not a surprise that any of this is happening.” iamokokokokokokok
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But everyone else is, especially your friend.
On the surface, her approach to gifts may look incredibly generous and self-sacrificing. It is not. She sees gifts that she receives as obligating her to the giver. Has it not occurred to you that she is using this same reasoning as a giver? She may well just love the feeling of giving – I do myself, so I understand it – but that is still all about HER.
She insists on having that feeling of making someone else happy all for herself, and she gets angry at friends who are trying to do the same for her. Do you not see how massive a hypocrite that makes her? This need of hers to feel that others are indebted to her (but she’s not indebted to them) is a sign of insecurity or narcissism.
Either she gets off on being the best gift-giver ever, or she doesn’t feel worthy of friendship for its own sake and has to “earn” it by giving more. I can’t tell which it is, but either attitude is not a healthy one.
Receiving gifts graciously is an important social skill that she has not yet developed. Sure, it’s understandable that she got upset at her friends for making comments about you – that’s what makes them jerks. But it sounds like they simply misunderstood your viewpoint, whereas your friend is trying to establish and defend an exclusive right to be a generous gift-giver.
That is not about her boundaries, it’s about her need to control. That’s the real problem here.” StrangelyRational
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and you’re a great friend for respecting her wishes and finding a way to treat her without overstepping boundaries. But your friend needs to get to the bottom of where this need comes from because she’s creating a massive imbalance in her relationships and causing people to feel indebted to her.
She’s inflicting the exact kind of discomfort she wants to avoid feeling on everybody around her. Something has to change. Therapy might be a good start. So you’re good, but everyone else involved is a jerk.” SneakySneakySquirrel
13. AITJ For Disliking My Spoiled Stepbrothers And Their Treatment Of My Autistic Brother?
“I am almost fifteen and I have one bio brother with severe autism. My mom (fake name Jane) married my stepdad (also fake name Jones). So I have known my Jones for about 5-6 years. He is a good father figure in my life nothing is wrong with him.
His sons on the other hand are spoiled and bratty. And I’m not allowed to talk about them in a “negative light” but they act rude and abusive toward my brother. They are spoiled as well. Thinking they can get whatever they want if they suck up their parents.
Liam, one of the stepbrothers is the worst. He has quite literally outshined me. He beats up the younger one and almost always gets away with it. He says the rudest things. And he gets almost whatever he wants. I am the only female in the house.
Also the oldest. But he has the status of the perfect child. I hate how he treats everyone because he is rude to everyone, when I have tried to be nice to him and start a conversation he usually shoots it down. I have given up on trying to be good to him.
I don’t see him as family for the stupid and rude things he has done to me and my brother. Even his stepbro.
he younger one, Arthur, isn’t as bad but he is very immature and spoiled. He cries about everything, always tries to rile up my bio brother to make him upset and get him into trouble, and overall acts like a little jerk.
I can talk to him and be friends with him but that’s just it. He talks down to me now and then and stresses me out because he tattles on me a lot. If I told my parents this they’d always come to their defense and say that they went through a divorce and it is so hard on them.
But my parents don’t see how hard on me it is. Having to deal with them is tiresome. And their parents divorced like 4 years ago. I also went through a divorce that excuse in my opinion is no longer valid. I just needed to vent because they can do practically anything they want and get away with it Scott clean.
They trash our house and then I have to be the one to clean up when they are over at their mom’s house. They can go do whatever but I am cooped up at the house because I have things to do. I don’t think it’s fair and just wanted to vent soo..
all the names were fake obviously and have a good day”
Another User Comments:
“Do you live in the US? Considering your autistic brother is being mistreated by step-siblings it is time for you to start talking with a school counselor. You both don’t deserve this and it is bad for you both.
I’m so sorry you are enduring this. I hope there is an intervention. Also, it will be easier to get help if you aren’t doing things to get you into trouble.” Adjmom
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not sure you want to give your mom a heads up that as soon as you are of age you are out of there thanks to the stepbrothers and her lack of care for your needs and concerns.
Regardless, make plans and if college is in the plans do all you can at school to get scholarships. You will be free soon!” ammonites
12. AITJ For Moving My Brother's Junk Car From My Workshop Space?
“Four+ years ago my brother left his non-running wife’s car on our parent’s property (some acreage, so space is not too much of an issue, in general), under a large tree not far from their house.
3 years ago, I needed space for college work so I spent almost 30k refurbishing an old pole barn on the property into an AC’ed workshop.
I added walls, floors, a meter loop, and central AC, all by hand and at my expense.
2 years ago, my brother put a mobile home elsewhere on the property, with no direct sightline to either my shop or the car.
I have spent every day for the last three years looking at an eyesore, a rat-infested non-running junk car that has “sentimental” value.
I have argued against argument with my mother over this car. She wanted it to stay where it was, under that particular tree, purely for the sake of peace. My father would have it hauled to the scrap yard if he had his way. I broached the topic with my brother at the last family gathering and I remember him telling me, “I don’t care what you do with it as long as it’s in the shade and [his wife] cannot see it where it is at.” I guess the memories depress her or something.
He conveniently forgot he ever said that.
Now, I am spending the money to build a, roughly, 100′ x 100′ yard attached to/behind the shop I paid for, with my money, and the last thing I wanted was to have this scrap heap sitting in the small yard I am building, for numerous reasons, including health and safety reasons, not just because it is an eyesore.
So I chained up to the tow hook under the back bumper of the locked car last night and gently dragged it 80′ on four flat tires to outside where my fence will go. The next morning, when he saw the car was moved back a little, all chaos broke loose.
My mom has gotten the worst of his complaining and cursing, even a few terrorizing type threats directed towards me, but none of us know if his issue is the car or the tendency he has to think everything I build has been funded by our parents, despite our objections, and even though he used that exact argument to get them to pay for all the install costs for his mobile home.
I have even made the repeated offer to move the car under any other tree on the property, just not the one behind my shop. I just need the keys so I can unlock the steering.
AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Drag the car to where your brother has parked his trailer and tell him to deal with it.
Your dad needs to stop this BS and tell his son to take care of the car the way he wants, give him a date to do it by, or the car will be towed to a junkyard.” BooCat3
Another User Comments:
“NTJ But this is not your property so you probably shouldn’t be spending so much money on it because if your parents need to sell, you probably won’t get your money back.
Your next issue will be if the property is an inheritance it will be 50:50 with your brother most likely and that’s another whole world of hassle for you. Your father needs to work out with your mother what is acceptable on THEIR property. Your brother doesn’t have any more rights than you to be on the property but your parents have allowed him to have his fits to get what he wants.
The car needs to be sorted… and your dad has every right to say what he wants done with it. Your brother can move off the property with his wife’s car. But he won’t because your mom can’t deal with his tantrums. This is something that should never have gotten to this point.
It’s likely a lot of a case of give an inch and a mile is taken. Your brother likely has been like this all his life. Carry on like a pork chop and it’s easier to let them have what they want because no one wants to deal with that fallout.
Talk to your dad. Both you and your dad can set your boundaries about your brother and let the cards fall where they may. Where your dad has an issue is with your mother… that’s their issue to sort out. You can’t change them or your brother.
You can only change your response to them.” KitchenDismal9258
11. AITJ For Not Wanting To Continue With My Daughter's Basketball Team Due To The Coach's Negative Behavior?
“First, some background: I have an 11-year-old daughter who’s been playing basketball for a few years. She is the point guard and the coach has a short temperament and hates mistakes; he also has his wife as an assistant coach; he wants things perfectly and wants kids to understand immediately.
He prides himself on not having tryouts and accepting everyone and continuously accepts kids midseason and includes them in practice. Nothing about basketball.
In the past years, he has argued with parents in the chat, telling them their kids don’t know how to play basketball, and has shown no improvement over a year and they shouldn’t be talking nonsense about him but that he should’ve kicked them out when he heard them talking nonsense about him.
We had our 5-year-old with him, one time, he got frustrated with the 5-year-old not doing things right and stepped to the side and sat on the bench quietly. His wife continued the practice as everyone was speechless. Other times, his wife will try to intervene, he will yell at her in front of the players and tell her “OK, you teach them since you’re the better coach.”
In this past practice, there were new, day-one girls once again. They started messing up, and even the first team, which my daughter is a part of, started making some mistakes while trying to learn a new play. He called them in and said “Never mind, I’m tired of you girls messing up, I’m not going to waste my time with you all” and ended practice earlier.” There was no follow-up message in the chat to apologize or give an explanation.
We bought the second-hand account of what my daughter told us. We saw one of the girls telling her mom that he got mad with her and we heard her mom telling her “That’s not right, that’s why he’s here to teach.”
They have a tournament about 6 hours away this weekend, and at this point, I don’t even feel comfortable taking her.
I’ve seen so many times he has lost his temper and now even told 11/12-year-old girls, I’m not wasting my time with you. I feel that since we are paying him, he’s not wasting his time as it’s not free. I also don’t feel like this is a healthy environment and the negativity that he speaks to young girls is unacceptable.
Am I the jerk for not wanting to continue with the team or even go through with going to the tournament? I don’t even know if some of the girls will even continue with the team and I feel bad for them but I feel like I should think of my daughter first and not have her with a coach who “Doesn’t want to waste her time with them” even though we are paying him.”
Another User Comments:
“As a parent it is your job to protect your children and ensure when they have an opportunity, like participating in team sports, it’s an OVERALL positive experience. Unfortunately, this does not sound like it’s overly good for a child’sself-esteemm or even skill development.
Sometimes coaches need to be tough but never cruel or unkind. You have every right to remove your child. I highly suggest you do it in a manner that is respectful to the rest of the team and your kid. 1. Say something sooner rather than later because pulling a key player (assumed from context) lets her teammates down too.
2. Convey your decision directly to the coach and not in a group chat or medium. Be clear and kind (even if he doesn’t deserve it) when communicating that you are removing your child from the team. Do not let the coach’s attitude dictate yours and don’t argue over a decision once you’ve made it.
3. Most importantly, have a sit-down conversation with your daughter before taking action. Explain your concerns and ask for her feelings because she will be most impacted by the action. It might help to have looked into alternative teams so she knows it’s not the end of her playing.
Also remember, she may be very against leaving the team and her friends. Take her feelings into account and focus on what will be best for her. I feel if you try to follow those suggestions then you are going to come out as the good guy.
NTJ” Vivacious-Hiccup
10. AITJ For Not Wanting My Maid Of Honor To Wear A Cheap Dress She Bought Online?
“I (26F) am getting married this autumn. I have 2 bridesmaids (F) and my Maid of Honorwhomt I will call Lisa (26F).
Lisa and I have been friends for over a decade and it felt normal to have her as my MoH on my side for this special event.
Everything until now went smoothly as I organized everything by myself and have not been relying on my team on anything for now except bride dress shopping.
Recently we’ve been looking for my Team’s dresses. The only demand that I have is that it must be a certain color to match the wedding theme. No complaints from my bridesmaid but Lisa has been quite difficult to work with.
Please note that since I am « forcing » the color choice I am willing to pay up to 200€ per dress for one of them.
I just want a particular color, everything else is up to them for what they want to wear and feel pretty and comfortable in, it could even be pants if they wish to wear that.
Lisa refused to try anything on at the different stores we’ve been to because she « only works with her instincts and if she doesn’t like it she won’t try it », but how can you tell you won’t like it just looking at it from a hanger?
She went as far as buying other random clothes for her during those shoppingtimese dedicated to finding their wedding attire.
I have to admit that it starts to get a bit on my nerves.
I later found out that the real problem was that she had already found a dress online, and she didn’t want me to know that it was from SHEIN.
I normally don’t care about her shopping habits but I’ve been on that dress page and the reviews and pictures weren’t great. The fabric looks thin, cheap, and very easily wrinkly. That will not look good with the other bridesmaid dresses that will have a way heavier fabric.
She is arguing that the dress is way cheaperthant any other and that I should be grateful for that but since I’m paying for the dresses I think I should have a say in what she is ordering or not.
I’m paying a lot for a good photograph and she will be in most of the shots as the MoH.
I wouldn’t mind her SHEIN dress if she was just a guest but I just want her to look her best with the 2 bridesmaids on my side and not a wrinkly cheap fabric mess.
I don’t want to be a Bridezilla, so tell me, AITJ for not wanting her to order that dress and insisting on buying another one at a store ?”
Another User Comments:
“I think you are at the point where you need to put your foot down. She either complies and gets a proper dress or she’s out of the wedding party. NTJ ” She went as far as buying other random clothes for her during those shopping times dedicated to finding their wedding attire.” This person does not care about your wedding.
Full stop.” KronkLaSworda
Another User Comments:
“I’m leaning towards NTJ. SHEIN isn’t reliable. The shipping can take a long time and often what you get isn’t what you expected on ordering. It’s not only a matter of the style of dress, but of dealing with more reliable retailers.
If what comes in the mail isn’t what is expected then what? She scrambles to find another dress at an additional cost..If what she’s ordering is a knockoff of a design from a more reputable retailer then why not order from that retailer directly, considering you’re paying for the dress and willing to eat that cost?” [deleted]
9. AITJ For Treating My Absent Biological Father Differently As A Grandparent?
“My father was an abusive former addict way back in the day when I was a baby and so my mother left him when I was 3. He never paid a cent of the child support he owed or attempted to help us in any way.
Thankfully she met my stepdad when I was 5 and married him and he raised me as his son. As far as I am concerned he is my dad, not my biological father. Over the years, my bio father kicked his addiction and led a much better life, although very separate from mine.
He never made any effort to come to see me, be involved in anything I was doing, or be a father to me in any way. I would go visit him every few months but that was mostly so I could spend time with my grandparents (his parents) and so we had an okay relationship at that point.
Fast forward over the years, I have been totally happy with how things are, never wanted or expected to be any closer to him than I already was. However, I recently had a daughter and he is trying very hard to be a good grandfather.
He tried to FaceTime her all of the time, always asked if he could get her anything, and wanted to see her as often as he was able. He lives about 2 hours away and has recently started complaining that she sees her other grandparents (my wife’s parents) way more often than she sees him even though they live 3 hours away and I have to drive by his town to see them.
My parents live in town with us so they see her at least weekly.
He brought this up to me about how he is upset he is being treated as less than the others and as far as I’m concerned he is. Like not even in the same category as the grandparents that were great PARENTS first and who raised their kids.
I’m not intentionally keeping him from her but whereas I do make efforts to make sure the other grandparents see her as often as they can, for him I don’t make any extra effort and go as far as to make a point not to change any of my plans if he wants to see her.
It’s not that I’m trying to punish him, I just don’t feel any attachment to him or feel any desire for him to have extra access to her, but on the other hand, am I robbing my daughter of having a close relationship with another grandparent who hasn’t done anything wrong to her?
Conundrums.”
Another User Comments:
“Oh honey, you’re not the Grinch, you’re just setting boundaries faster than your dad set world records in absentee parenting. NTJ. Grandparenting isn’t a ‘sorry I missed your childhood, let me make it up with your kid’ kinda deal. It’s a ‘you reap what you sow’ show, and it looks like someone’s harvest is looking a bit sparse!” msdrahcir
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Only parents get to be grandparents. You don’t view him as your dad, so why should your daughter view him as her grandfather? He had his chance at parenthood, and even when he got his act together he still chose to be an absentee father.
It seems like you have other people in your life who love your daughter as much as they love you. Your bio dad is not one of them. He just wants a do-over and is using your baby. Spend your time with the people who love and support YOU” PickledCarrot19
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. He wasn’t there for you in your childhood, so your relationship is not all that close. It’s not like becoming a grandparent grants you some sort of magic rights that will override the pre-existing relationship. You are close to the other grandparents, so you spend more time with them.
It is that simple. He is lucky to even have a relationship, but he is the one who needs to put in the extra effort if he wants to see his grandchild more.” Mountain_Cat_cold
8. AITJ For Being Upset About The Condition Of My Grandpa's House?
“I’m chronically ill and I’ve lived alone for 5 years. Recently my illness got so bad I had to quit my job and move in with my grandparents (he raised me).
He has leg issues and pain but swears he is okay and won’t make a doctor’s appointment, I’ve been begging him to make one. He wants to sit in the dark all day and watch TV and he has done nothing in the past 5 years to keep up with the house.
It has two bathrooms and the floor caved in one of them so it’s locked and nobody can go in thereThere are holes all over the floor, and the place is absolutely disgusting. There’s mold everywhere, every appliance is so dirty. My sister and I have to beg him to shower so he won’t stink.
I asked him to make a doctor’s appointment and take me with him because he lies and tells the doctors he is fine. He is a pathological liar…. he makes stuff up all the time. I have cleaned the whole house to help him and to also give me peace of mind about staying here.
But now I cook every meal and clean… which I don’t mind but I am constantly in my pain. I asked him today if he was depressed because the microwave had mold in it and he uses it every day. So I cleaned it and asked if he needed mental or physical help because the condition of the house was not sanitary.
He got defensive and told me he was fine and needed to mind my own business.
I grew up in this house, it was beautiful when my Nana and him were together. But she did everything and he would just sit around and be mean to her.
I’m mad at him for letting the house become this disgusting, it’s falling down Around us. Why didn’t he ask for help, tell anyone, or reach out?
Earlier I was doing the dishes and I asked him where he wanted me to put them, he said on a tray he had…..
and it was moldy. So I told him I’m not gonna eat anything that touches that and it needed to be cleaned, which I wouldn’t mind doing. He says I’m ungrateful. But I truly think we all deserve a clean and habitual home. Also, my twin sister has lived with him for years, and sensible-bodied unlike the two of us.
So I’m mad at her too for sitting in filth.
So guys… am I a jerk?
I’ve decided from this point on if something bothers me I’ll just keep it to myself and clean it. But I don’t know how much longer this house will be liveable, despite my best efforts.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ unfortunately often older people tend to just be happy in their environment and not want to admit they need help (even though they do) because they don’t like change and want to be able to live independently etc. Sorry you have to live in such an unclean environment but good on you for trying to make it as nice as possible.” emotionalcloud29
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can’t help people unwilling to help themselves. If you’re concerned about your grandfather, please call your local Office on Aging. Tell them about the home, the problems, and his pain/leg issues. They may be able to help.
Best of luck.” perfunctory
7. AITJ For Removing My Best Friend From My Flight Benefits Because He Won't Get A Passport?
“So I’m a flight attendant for a major U.S. airline. I have had my best friend on my benefits since I got hired over two years ago.
I told him to apply for a passport so we could travel around the world whenever we could. It’s been two years and he’s made no effort to apply or obtain a passport to travel with me. I’ve recently become super frustrated with my best friend who I love because he’s made no effort to get a passport.
I got this job to travel the world and see as much as I can while I’m young. He’s 25 I’m 24 and we’ve been friends for years. I’ve been itching to travel internationally outside of my layovers and be able to share these experiences with him.
I have other friends I know would make better travel partners and have passports but I didn’t want to take my bestie off since he’s been saying for this entire time he’d get it. It’s been constant “next payday, next month” etc. I gave him the benefit of the doubt because he was finishing his bbachelor’sdegree and graduated last year.
I called him out last week because I have other friends wanting to travel and I want to take and I’ve been wanting to go. I had a really bad year and wanted to travel and explore this year with my closest friend. He manipulated the situation saying I’m a selfish friend for holding it over his head.
I gave him two years and sacrificed myself going on vacations out of the country like a dummy because I know if I went without him he’d be mad and hold it over me. He promised last week on Saturday he’d have an appointment but this Friday which yes yesterday.
Lo and behold no appointment no passport. When I called him out to voice my frustration and tell him I wanted to put my other best friend on he lost it. He said how selfish and inconsiderate I am as a friend for taking him off.
He told me to put who I wanted on them because he wasn’t getting his passport sas oon as he originally promised. So I asked if he’d be mad and he said if I did that I shouldn’t expect to keep him as a friend because I’m putting someone else before him.
So now I feel like a piece of junk for putting myself first because want to go on a trip to Europe for my upcoming birthday but I can’t plan it with him because as of now he can’t go and has made no effort to get a passport.
But if I plan it without him he’s going to be livid and treat me like junk. I feel like I essentially lost my best friend because of this.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ And this person shouldn’t be your best friend. Best friends don’t treat each other this way.
My best friend was SO HAPPY for every good thing I ever got. Travels, marriage, kids, house. It never matters what she has, she’s always happy for me. And I’m always happy for her. You are worth a friend like that. Go travel and find one.
Get rid of this one – he’s rotten.” Lmfabkiser
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your “best friend” is not your best friend. This person is a manipulator. You’ve done nothing wrong except not put your foot down sooner. Put someone else on your flight benefits and go enjoy traveling the world and a birthday in Europe.
You don’t owe your “best friend” anything and they are gaslighting you for calling you selfish and threatening you with being defriended. This is manipulation, pure and simple. I’m sorry, but this person is the one being selfish. Go enjoy yourself.” golden fingernails
Another User Comments:
“I’ve run into this myself with a couple of friends – not that I was expecting to travel with them, but I thought they would be self-sufficient listing themselves. One friend would question me repeatedly about loads, and I said that now she was my travel companion, she could log in and check herself.
I don’t know if this intimidates her or anything, but she’s never tried using them since that conversation (and she’s not mad at me either, we still hang out together.) The other person just has too much drama in her life and has never tried using them, so I may drop her shortly.
But I think you’re justified in putting whoever you want as your travel companion. NTJ. Also, your friend sounds like a manipulative jerk, and no great loss if he stops talking to you.”Mannixx
6. AITJ For Insisting My Dad And Brother Skip A Football Game On My 18th Birthday?
“I, F(17) am turning 18 this month. This is a really big birthday for me, and I want all my family there to celebrate with me. Today, my Dad mentioned to me that there is a really important football game on the same day as my birthday.
For context, my Dad and my Brother often go and see football matches, and travel to my dad’s old home city to see it, which is quite far away from where we live. I never complain about the amount of football and screaming as a result, in our house, nor when they go away on weekends, or if my brother is allowed to take days off of school and I’m not.
I have never gone beyond a light (usually teasing) complaint.
I laughed it off as a strange coincidence. I thought he would just be watching it on the TV or something, which I have no issue with at all, even if it was a little annoying.
I know that football is really important to them, and it is a rare occasion in which the city we live in now, is playing against the team they support. It’s not an important match in terms of team performance, it’s just a weird coincidence.
Then my dad told me that the game was not going to be on T and to see it, they’d be traveling up to watch it on the day of my 18th birthday. Even worse, my birthday is on Monday, after the weekend, so they’d miss a good chunk of the Sunday we’d spend celebrating, and my brother would get a day off school on MY birthday.
It didn’t even occur to me at first that they’d consider going on my birthday to watch some random football game, and as the discussion went on I realized that he was being completely serious.
This kind of wants to make me cry, as pathetic as that sounds.
I want them there on my 18th birthday, but they seem keen to go and see the game. They said they’d be there for most of my birthday celebrations so it ‘doesn’t matter’ but, it matters to me. I want to open my presents and have my cake on my ACTUAL birthday, not the day before or just alone, par my Mum and Grandmother.
On the one hand, I really want them there, but also, if I guilt trip them into staying, they’ll be short and grumpy with me on a day I really want to be happy, and will constantly be checking the football scores and complaining. I don’t want that and I’m at a loss for what to do.
So, I guess my question is, WIBTJ for insisting they don’t go to the football match?”
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ but why would you want to? Enjoy your day with people who want to be there. I am also sorry that your father chose to not find things to bond with you over, and that he is choosing football over your special day.
Reminds me of the Cat’s in the Cradle song. Someday your dad may wonder why he isn’t included in your big life events and you can say “it doesn’t matter” since you still send him a holiday card once a year, right?” join
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is a major birthday. They can miss one game to help you celebrate. My mom would have torn them both a new jerk if they’d been my dad and brother and then the rest of the family would have joined in. The petty in me would be asking your dad what he values more, you or football, though I already know he seems to value going to the football game with your brother.” Efficient_Wheel_6333
Another User Comments:
“You feel the way you feel, but, now that you’re an adult you’ll come to understand that celebrating “on the day” isn’t that important. Celebrate your birthday on Saturday – the love for you will still be there. And to be realistic – how much fun is it going to be for your Dad and brother to celebrate your birthday when they want to be at the football game?
And, this is going to affect how much you enjoy your birthday – you won’t enjoy it because you’ll know, even if they say nothing, that they want to be somewhere else. The last time anyone celebrated my birthday with more than a cake or a dinner out was when I was 12.
Birthdays weren’t a big deal in my family. I survived, lol. But then maybe that’s why I don’t understand your deep feelings.” MercuryRising92
5. AITJ For Assuming A Customer's Ethnicity Based On Their Bag's Language?
“I 17f love studying languages and, in particular, have been studying both Chinese and Korean for 2 and a half years now. I am conversational in both and would consider myself an intermediate student. I’m mentioning this to show that I have a genuine skill and love for these languages.
A few months ago a woman came into the restaurant I work in (I’m a host) with her grandmother and her partner. She and her grandmother were both visibly Asian and her partner was white. I’m not the type of person to assume someone’s ethnicity because I find that to be very rude but in this instance, she was carrying a bag with Chinese characters, I live in an area with almost zero Chinese people and it’s very hard to get anything with Chinese characters on it.
Like I usually do, I spoke to them in English and brought them to their table but as I sat them down I asked, “你说中文吗？” which translates to, “Do you speak Chinese?” When she looked confused I pointed to her bag and asked the question again in English.
She then said that she was Korean and spoke Korean, and I then said I studied Korean as well (this time in Korean). Both she and her grandmother seemed really happy that I tried to speak to them (even though it was only a sentence) and when they were leaving the girl told me she really enjoyed it.
I was really happy as well because I’m always trying to practice my language skills and connect with others. I love learning about other cultures and making people feel welcome, and on the occasions, I do have full conversations in Chinese or Korean, people who speak those languages seem to love the fact that a foreigner is learning their language.
I’m saying this because I recently told this story in one of my classes in school and my teacher and classmates (all white) said that it was racist to assume someone’s ethnicity. I of course know that and felt like a total jerk.
I love talking to people in other languages and even studied abroad in South Korea this past summer.
I am white and always try to be open to criticism about internal biases but in this case, I feel really stumped. I hate thinking of myself as rude or ignorant and just want some clarification on my actions.
I also want to say that I’ve told this story to both Chinese and Korean speakers and they seem to love it, this is the first time anyone has ever had a problem with it so again I would just like some clarification. Also, I’m sorry if I have offended anyone with this post or my actions, I just like talking to people.”
Another User Comments:
“A very slight YTJ because it’s rude to switch languages *before* finding out if the person speaks that language. You were *already speaking to them* in English, so why did you switch to Chinese *to ask if they spoke Chinese?* Just ask in English, and even better, mention *why* you think they might speak it.
“I noticed you have Chinese writing on your bag, do you speak Mandarin? I only ask because I’ve been learning it.” Obviously, they didn’t seem to take any offense, but additionally, east Asian people are misidentified by westerners frequently, so it *could have* hit a sore spot.
It didn’t, but the way you went about this wasn’t the best. *Leading* with the reason you ask is because of the writing on the bag diffuses that.” curien
Another User Comments:
“Esh So I’m a POC mixed up with many things and I speak only English.
We live in a global melting pot – why would you presume I speak anything because I carry a bag with certain characters on it? That’s just ridiculous. I’m not saying it’s racist but if you asked me if I speak a language because my clothing/accessories have the language on it, I would think you are very foolish.
Maybe it’s a gift; maybe I went to China as a tourist and bought it; a million maybes why would you jump to I probably speak the language? What an odd association and a very narrow view of the world.” RLS2023
Another User Comments:
“My family is from Yanbian, so I grew up in both cultures.
NTJ in this situation but next time just speak english until you hear them speak either language. If you study both it shouldn’t be that hard to recognize. It’s a bit annoying when someone just assumes you’re of that race regardless of what accessories they have.
I wear Japanese writing somethings, but that doesn’t make me Japanese. Hanja is also a thing as it could just be old Korean writing which uses chinese characters. To be honest with you no one really cares, but just try and avoid doing this because I know it gets on some people’s nerves.
Just wait till they speak their native language to each other then bust it out.” No-Negotiation3759
4. AITJ For Insisting On Using My New Trash Bin That My Neighbors Keep Using?
“I live in a duplex and have neighbors beside me. One of the spaces has recently been redone and some people moved in.
About a month before they moved in I finally decided to try and get a recycling bin as mine went missing a few years ago and I never bothered to look for it. I was told I had to make a police report and then I could send that request to the city for a new one.
I also decided to request my regular trash bin because it was pretty messed up. No lids and holes all over plus it was smaller than the others. (Probably because the apartment I’m in was a studio)
Anyway, after all that they came and replaced both my bins with brand new ones.
My neighbors moved in recently and they keep using my trash bin. went to take my trash out and my bin was full of trash. I put my trash on top of theirs and the bin was overflowing and I left it there like that even though there was an empty bin next to it.
I was trying to send a message but I went outside and they took my bin from the street and left their old beat-down trash bin out there for me to use. I don’t interact with people that much I stay inside and I take my trash out at night to avoid interactions.
If someone says hi to me I will smile and say it back and run back to my cave asap.
So I’m taking my trash out one night and I really didn’t care where they moved my bin to I’m still gonna put my trash in it.
So I threw a bag in my bin and one of the neighbors was sitting in his car watching and he got out to confront me. He said it was their trashcan and I said no it’s my trash can I went through the effort to file the report and get them replaced so I’m not going to stop using them.
Mine is the nicest because it’s the newest. The other ones are struggling. He said they’d stop using it and I said thank you but they are still using it and when they fill it up I still put my trash on top and let them take it out.
They probably think it’s theirs because their place got redone so the trash bins would match their refurbished home, which I understand but still.
Am I a jerk for doing this I don’t want to be a petty neighbor but I just got these replaced but I might be overreacting”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Can you not put your apartment number in bright colors on your bins? You have talked to them, and they promised to stop using your bins, but they are still using them. The next thing could be a lock, but that wouldn’t be very practical. Some neighbors are just the worst. They continue because they can.” FragrantEconomist386
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you’re edging towards it if you don’t communicate more with them. If you’re sitting there expecting them to understand the situation telepathically then nothing is going to change… Adding your house number to the bin is a way to not have to engage with them.
Talking to them more would help too.” Subbuteo13
3. AITJ For Not Wanting To Change My Schedule To Drive My Friend To School?
“I (30F) am married with no kids. A friend (30F) who is also married with a child (4yo) asked me last week if I could drive her to school. In our case driving to and from school is not simple: we live in a border city in Canada and we both attend the same US university.
So daily we travel out of Canada, to the US, and back home. All in all, it takes approximately 20 minutes to cross (with no traffic) and costs around $15 round trip.
My friend and I have the opposite class schedule. When I am at school first thing in the morning her classes do not start until late afternoon and vice versa.
Late in the evening last week (8 pm) I was asked if I happened to be going to school early the next day at 7:30 am (she had an early class that morning). I said no, I wouldn’t be on campus until close to 1:00 pm. She explained that her vehicle was at the mechanic and she didn’t have a ride to school.
I explained that I wasn’t planning on getting to school 5.5 hours early (and didn’t want to pay 2 round trips to travel to school). I would be going quite out of my way to take her (getting up very early to pick her up, drop her off, and either pay again to drive home or wait all day on campus until my classes begin).
She calls me and offers to pay for the trip home, which I appreciate, and then begins talking with her husband and says to him “Well I guess you could maybe drop me off in the morning instead.” I was very confused and quickly realized that they had a second vehicle.
She then explained she was worried about getting her child up that early and that’s why she asked me. 1. She very last minute only realized she didn’t have her vehicle (messaged me at 8 pm?) And planned this very late (up until 10 pm trying to figure this out with her) 2.
They have a second vehicle, why could she not drive that to school? 3. Her husband has been known to have a strange sleep schedule. Not from work, not from insomnia or anything, but will choose to stay up very late and usually get up late in the day.
He also works from home and can work when he chooses. 4. Would it not make more sense for you to ask your husband and have him help you than ask your friend to change their entire day?
In the end, she said that her husband would take her, but I felt very guilty that I didn’t want to change my entire day to drive her (especially when she had a possible ride in the first place).
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she asked if you were going early and if you were, you could have taken her, however, you do not have to change your entire day to accommodate her needs, so if it does not fit your schedule, you simply cannot drive her and that is the end of it… don’t feel bad, it is not your responsibility.” Ravenclaw
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Does she have a WFH husband *and* a second vehicle available for us.? She has been using you for a *long* time. Reevaluate her “friendship.” If it were me, no more border rides to classes. Roll up the doormat and put it away.
Not clear on what getting her child up early if you’re not dropping the kid off at daycare has to do with anything, but NOPE overall now that you have more info. NTJ.” GeekyStitcher
2. AITJ For Wanting To Move Out And Live With My Partner?
“I (22f) currently live with my cousin (32f) and her husband (31m) and child. We have been living together for almost a year. The reason we live together is because we came from our home country relatively at the same time and unfortunately where we live rent and finding roommates is hard.
In the time we have lived together, we have had many issues and arguments. At this point, I just feel terrible living in my own house.
My partner proposed the idea of moving in together a few months after he came back from his trip to China.
I honestly loved this idea as I currently spend almost all of my time in his house anyway and we share expenses like food. I also thought this would be a great opportunity to finally just be my person and not have to constantly ask if the other is ok before I do something.
But here’s the thing, when I mentioned this to my cousin she got really mad. She said that I was being selfish for wanting to move out and that I was abandoning her and her family. I said that she wasn’t making any sense as I rarely spend any time with her anyway and her family is not my responsibility.
I also told her that they need to start living like a real family anyway as all three are currently sleeping in the same room and that their son (5m) will soon need to have his room which could be the one I would be leaving.
She said that wasn’t the point, and that the point was that I was abandoning her in a new country with a new language just to live my life with my partner. At this point I just got angry, I told her that we’ve been living in this country for the same amount of time, and as a 32-year-old woman who is very smart and mature she doesn’t need a 22-year-old to take care of her, because at the end of the day, it’s not like I will never speak or visit her again, I just want to be able to do my things and be independent with my partner.
I love her and her little family a lot, but taking into account that when I am at home we don’t really talk and when we do it’s mostly because she wants me to help out with her kid or because we’re arguing because of something that I’m doing that she doesn’t like, I don’t think I’m being unreasonable or abandoning her.
So, WIBTJ or AITJ for this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m wondering how much of the housework, childcare, cooking, etc. that you do? It sounds like she’s maybe worried about having to pick up the slack once you’re gone. Or she may feel like her language acquisition isn’t going as well as yours.
Regardless, it sounds like you’ll have a healthy dynamic with your partner and hopefully a lot fewer arguments with her (absence makes the heart grow fonder, etc) so you’ve got to do what’s best for you.” lanurk
1. AITJ For Not Wanting To Go On A Birthday Trip My Dad Is Planning?
“I (17F) will be turning 18 in a couple of months and my dad (60M) wants to take me on “a special trip for a special birthday.” Originally I told him I wanted to go to Coachella because a) I love music and want to discover new artists I haven’t seen before and b) there are going to be acts every day that I want to see (Ateez, Tyler the Creator, J Balvin, Miku, etc.) and may never get to because of the path in life I’m taking.
He quickly shot this idea down because “terrorists can come to shoot up every one or bomb us.” Conservative stuff. He then suggested Vegas so I just said okay. It was whatever.
Last weekend when I went to see him, he asked me where else I would like to go because there wouldn’t be much for me to do there at 18.
He suggested places like Kentucky, Tennessee, etc. because he wanted to “do something special *with* me.” I told him “Listen, I’m not an outdoorsy person and I know you want to do something special with me, but everywhere that would be “special” to me you either shoot down or are out of the country (he doesn’t have a passport).
I already told you that something special to me that is here in the States is the music festival and we can go the weekend before my birthday (my birthday is that second weekend but I have prom then), but you shut that down.” He reiterated the fact that he wants to do something with me and how he doesn’t want to just take me to a concert because it’s not his kind of scene and it wouldn’t be very special.
We ended up settling on Florida and trying to go in between when both of our birthdays are (like 2 weeks apart). I only really said yes because I haven’t been to Universal before, but other than that it doesn’t feel like a birthday trip as I have been there before and I don’t feel like I will be safe going there.
While I am grateful for the fact that he wants to take me somewhere, I feel like he isn’t thinking about what I would like, especially after he mentioned how his partner is a beach person and would love to go to Florida.
Part of me wants to tell him that I would rather he get me something he knows I would like rather than a trip to somewhere I don’t want to go to and don’t feel safe going to.
The other part of me feels like a jerk for feeling like this because he’s trying to put effort into my gift instead of getting me a gift card or money. WIBTJ if I told him about how I feel about the trip?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but don’t just agree to go somewhere or do something to please him. It will be obvious that you’re not enjoying yourself and will make it worse. You need to have a proper conversation with him, explain to him that you either want to do the festival as that is special especially if he is there or you are not interested in doing the trip as it feels like it’s more for him and so you’d rather have a physical gift. Write out what you want to say so you can make sure you are staying polite and not being offensive and make sure you reiterate that you are grateful and touched by his offer of a trip throughout.” SirGuestWho
Another User Comments:
“NTJ If he wants to plan a birthday gift for you he shouldn’t be then forcing you to abide by where he wants to go and what he wants to do. That’s a gift for him. As a parent when we plan a trip we all agree on the location and then everyone on the trip gets to pick one activity they love and the rest of us tag along even if it’s not our favorite thing.
Then we generally find something everyone is excited about. That way we all get something out of the time together. Either that or I’d gift you tickets to Coachella.” PuzzleheadedGoal8234
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Dear Ole Dad isn’t interested in what you want. He suggested Vegas?!
What the heck? Claims terrorists might attack. Did he not see the mass shooting that took place in Vegas in 2017? Plus, you aren’t old enough to gamble. He wants you to agree to what his partner wants. I’d just tell him you don’t want to go.
And don’t use safety as an excuse. Universal/Florida sounds a whole lot safer, in my opinion than a music festival in CA.” aholereader
