People Ask For Straightforward Answers To Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
17. AITJ For Enforcing House Rules On My Brother-In-Law?
“My (M30) brother-in-law (M20) ‘Sean’ moved in with me and his sister after my father-in-law passed away a few months ago.
He is the private type and keeps to himself. He goes out and never says where he’s going or how long he’ll be out, eats at random times during the day, and wears earbuds while I and the kids are sitting with him.
See, all of these are uncool behaviors and a bad influence on my children. I’ve already talked to Sean about certain house rules I have and how he was violating them maybe because he didn’t know but now he knows and still nothing’s changed.
Last night, he came home late at around 10 pm. I wasn’t thrilled with that because he knew the rules but he said that he was an adult and I shouldn’t be policing him but it’s not about that, it’s about the fact that he’s repeatedly disrespected the homeowner and the rules… So I told him this: If he won’t respect the rules which are: Being home at 8, not eating at random times, and not using his electronics just like my kids aren’t allowed when the family is gathered to spend time together.
He ranted about how he wasn’t a child, my child, and called me unreasonable to treat him this way just because he lives under my roof, I told him it’s not hard to show respect really but my wife went off asking what was wrong with me to be giving Sean who’s still grieving, ultimatums and treating him like a child.
I explained to her that I’m just making sure the kids won’t be influenced by her brother’s reckless behavior and she laughed asking if I think Sean being on his phone was reckless but that is beside the point. She called me a control freak and told me to get off her brother’s back and leave him alone.
I replied that she was just saying this because he was her brother but she said I overstepped and should back off and stop trying to control her adult brother. I asked her if she was happy with him coming home late and she said she was sick of arguing and then went upstairs.
AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. This isn’t only your household, but your wife’s too. Your BIL is still grieving and it is NOT unreasonable for an adult to ask not to have a curfew, or eat when he is hungry. He can make those decisions himself and you are overstepping trying to enforce this. The earbuds while eating I get, but he just seems stressed out.
Staying out to ten is not unusual for a twenty-year-old and not at all reckless behavior – you are treating him like a child.
Also, your children aren’t learning any reckless behavior. They learn that you are insanely controlling and will continue to do so well into their adulthood. You should reflect on that here.
He’s an adult and you are on a power trip!
Do you stick to all those rules yourself? Cause I sure hope so.” ILikeSealsALot
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. OMG YTJ. He’s 20 years old and you expect him to be home at 8? And you want to control when he eats? What is wrong with you dude?
You sound like a complete control freak and your rules are absolutely ridiculous, especially for an adult. He is not a child so stop treating him like one. You are going to completely ruin your relationship with him. And have a little compassion and empathy. The guy just lost his dad and had his whole life turned upside down having to move in with you.
And now he’s dealing with a controlling tyrant. Lighten up and give him his space. If he’s listening to earbuds while with you he’s probably 1. trying to be polite and not bother you with whatever he’s listening to, and 2. he’s probably trying to decompress and de-stress. His dad just passed away for God’s sake.
If you’re this controlling with your own children, I feel really really sorry for them that they have you as a parent.
And if you treat them this way, you’re going to find they won’t want anything to do with you once they’re adults. You’ll find yourself old and alone with kids that won’t even talk to you much less see you.
Dude, take some parenting classes and learn to have some respect for other people’s rights to control themselves and their own space.
You certainly should never have the right to control another adult.” wanderingwoman70
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Let me break down why.
First – he’s an adult, not one of your children to control. He is 20 years old. Having an 8 pm curfew at 20? Omg. My 16-year-old has a later curfew (not on school nights) than you are ‘giving’ to your adult brother-in-law.
Unlike my 16-year-old child, your ADULT brother-in-law doesn’t have to disclose where he is or what he is doing. He is right in telling you he isn’t your child. It is awesome that you and your wife took him in after his father died, but you are not his new father.
Second – your wife is correct in that her brother is still grieving the loss of his father.
Have you ever lost anyone you loved? I lost my father 7 years ago and honestly, it took a long time for me to be ‘normal’ and get back to my social self. I was in a haze of going through the motions of my life (and with children I put on my happy face for them and it left nothing else in the tank for anything else).
You need to give him some grace and understanding.
Third – I have ‘grazers’ in my house. My youngest son is the king of them. He eats at random times because he is hungry and his metabolism tells him to eat. He will still eat dinner with us, but he needs to eat small frequent meals – well snacks – throughout the day (otherwise he gets sick).
Your brother-in-law can’t eat when he is hungry? His hunger has to only happen at certain times?
Last – electronics… I get this one is annoying. My family meals have a no electrics rule as well. However, I will go back to my 2nd point. The man is still grieving the loss of his father.
He is now in a new environment with small children around. He is having a rough time adjusting and your rules make it so much harder for him. I get you want him to ‘set a good example,’ but you need to give him a break right now. Understand where he is coming from and what he is going through.
Maybe if you are all eating together and you want to include him in conversation, say his name loud enough for him to hear you. Your kids also should understand that different ages have different rules.” Blue_iiii
16. WIBTJ If I Move And Leave My Family Behind?
“About 2 weeks ago, I, my sis & dad got into an argument. The argument began because I made a joke saying I wish I had a cold like my coworker so I could get a couple of days off.
This set her off & she began yelling that I’m rude and inconsiderate & that being sick isn’t something to joke about. I told her that it wasn’t serious & that my coworker was joking about it too. I explained that we all work hard & never have any time off, imagine a job so bad that the only time anyone gets a day off is when they’re sick.
I also explained this was our way of staying positive about the situation. She then looked me right in the eyes & told me it was my fault that I can’t get a better job because I didn’t pursue higher education like her.
I wasn’t able to go to college because I started working at 15 after my mom passed in order to take care of the household.
All I have is a GED. I was very offended because it was like saying all my work meant nothing. I’ve never denied my siblings & dad anything, I’ve always given them anything & everything they’ve asked for no matter what. Time & time again I have drained my savings to make sure they were ok. I yelled back that she doesn’t know what it means to work hard, to be constantly disrespected by patients & having to******* up, and that not all of us are lucky like her to have everything handed to us.
All I ever asked of her was to get a job & her excuse always is that she shouldn’t have to work at all because she’s a full-time student.
My dad agrees that she shouldn’t have to work & that it’s my fault I couldn’t go to college. According to my dad, everything I do is the least I could do because I dropped out.
At some point, my dad came into our room & began telling me to shut up & leave my sister alone, that I’m causing problems. I kept trying to explain what my sister said to me & how I wasn’t going to allow myself to be disrespected, that the least I deserve is some respect for always taking care of them & the house.
I reminded them that everything they have is because of my hard work. Then my dad began to call me an evil person, according to him I wasn’t defending myself, I was throwing things in their face, that I don’t give from the heart, and I did everything expecting things in return.
This isn’t the first time we’ve had this argument & he always takes my sister’s side.
In the end, he kicked me out and I’m currently staying with my partner. While staying with him and his support I’ve decided on buying a condo. This is the part where I feel like I’m a jerk. I have enough money to get a place for all of us & my brother to live comfortably however I don’t want the stress & constant disrespect that comes with living with my sister & dad.
The only innocent person in this is my brother. I have so much guilt & feel like I would regret it if I don’t take them with me, especially knowing how hard they struggled before I started to work. It would be my fault if they were to start to struggle again. They did apologize & are the only family I have so should I just******* up and let it go?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This makes me so angry for you. Live for yourself for once. Be free. Be happy. Most college students work part-time to cover fees at restaurants and retail stores. Your dad and sister are both entitled and do not appreciate your time and money. Do not set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Put yourself first. You are not their mom or punching bag. Your family will figure things out when you stop enabling them. Find a new place. Mute their phone numbers if you have trouble setting boundaries. Do not give them your new address so they can guilt you into coming back. When you feel ready, you can consider having a healthier relationship with them, than the one you have allowed to go on.
Please do not put your needs last any longer OP.” Nyankitty666
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. Maybe you can just take your brother? But you NEED to get away from your sister and dad. They are toxic. They will never stop disrespecting you for things you do (Quit school to work to help support them) that they benefit from while simultaneously sucking you dry.
Seriously… RUN away. If you can’t take your brother now put yourself in a situation so you are stable and can take him later when they realize they can barely care for themselves.
If they use your brother as a way to keep you in that awful environment maybe you can come to an agreement with them so you can take him.
It seems to me that you hold most of the cards and they are using guilt and manipulation to keep you in line. That is all on you, throw that off and you have all the power.” polly6119
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s not your fault if they struggle, it’s theirs. You can’t save someone who is drowning if they’re trying to drown you with them.
It sounds like you really need time to yourself, to focus on yourself, and they really need to learn exactly how much you were doing for them. Whether you support them more in the future depends on them, but right now? You are right to prioritize yourself. You deserve to live nicely, in a place where you won’t be criticized despite working yourself to the bone as a provider.
If they can’t live without criticizing you, then they cannot live with you, and that’s a choice they have made themselves, not one that you have made for them.” reddit_insane_inane
15. AITJ For Not Hosting A Dinner?
“My brother is recently married and bought a large house with his wife this past year. Since then, they’ve had the family (my parents, my other brother and his wife and kids, me and my husband and two kids) over for gatherings twice.
My house is another matter. It’s tiny, cluttered with kid and dog stuff, and in a near-permanent state of ongoing Renos as my husband has problems finishing projects.
There are literal holes in the walls. Further, I have a significant mental illness (for which I am medicated and in therapy) and strongly suspected autism spectrum disorder, and as a result, I have severe executive dysfunction issues that make cleaning and doing chores a real challenge for me. Due to all these factors, we don’t have people over, ever.
We used to, we even had the whole of my family over for dinner for thanksgiving years ago, though it was very challenging as there is very little space. This was back when we didn’t have a large dog and my house wasn’t as much of a disaster as it is currently. We haven’t hosted since.
Before Christmas, the whole family went out for brunch. After brunch, on the way out of the restaurant when everyone was making their way out to the cars, my brother approached me and invited himself and his wife over for dinner during the holidays. It wasn’t an ask – he invited themselves over without asking if it was okay.
I was caught off guard by this and stammered out something along the lines of ‘sure, we’ll figure something out’ before hurrying off to my car as my husband and children were already in it waiting to go.
On Christmas day, the whole family gathered at my parents’ house. After dinner was finished, the topic of my brother and his wife coming over to my house for dinner came up.
I tried to be firm but polite when I replied that we weren’t prepared to host anyone at this time. I said that we don’t have anyone over, ever, for a variety of reasons. My brother and his wife kept pushing, though, insisting that they be invited over for dinner. My brother’s wife said that ‘Well we had you over to our house, now you should have us over to yours, that’s just the way it works in my family.’ I think that’s great that her family works that way, but mine just doesn’t.
It’d be nice if we could reciprocate, but we can’t. They kept pushing and I eventually broke and said no, you can’t come over. My house is small. My house is in a continual state of mess and disrepair. And eventually, I had to state that due to my mental illness I get stressed out and overwhelmed very easily.
My sister-in-law seemed to take all of this very personally, instead of listening to what I was saying. My inability to host things has everything to do with me and my house, and nothing to do with her. I told her this and reiterated that I do like her and love having her as part of the family.
I feel like the jerk, because initially when my brother asked, I was caught off guard and agreed, and then went back on the agreement during Christmas dinner. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ
Hosting is like giving someone a random gift. Great to give them and make people happy, but you can’t expect one in return.
You host because you want to spend time with your family, and want them over at your place, not because you want them to host you in return. Just because you can host doesn’t mean others can, so you can’t expect someone to host you just because you hosted them.
You can’t host anyone for a variety of reasons, and that’s okay.
You never have to host anyone. And it’s not something that has to be reciprocated just because someone hosted you. If they won’t listen to reason, that’s on them, not you.
They seem kinda entitled to just invite themselves over like that, especially when you clearly haven’t hosted in some time. If you regularly host, then it wouldn’t be a big deal to assume you’d host them some time, but you don’t, and even if you did, a ‘no’ is still an acceptable answer.” DreadPirateR_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I was gonna say no jerks here, but they were rude. Multiple times.
I get both sides. Hosting can be stressful unless you absolutely love doing it (even then it can be stressful but at a different level) and it can be hard feeling like the only one putting in the effort.
And if she’s used to everyone taking turns, I can understand her desire and possible confusion.
HOWEVER. That does not give them the right to invite themselves over (seriously, who does that? It’s rude people), get mad because you said no, and completely ignore your reasons why you said no. It’s also not okay for them to turn it into something it’s not – they don’t get to decide that you hate them because they were rude.
You have valid reasons why you said no. And you should not have to go back on those reasons just to placate them. (Unless you have the ability to say screw it and let them get a peek at the chaos.) They need to understand that not everyone can fit what they want.
Maybe you can have another conversation with your SIL, just the two of you, with both of you in a calmer headspace, and you can explain to her again why you’re not comfortable hosting people in your home.
Or you can come up with a compromise, like taking them out to dinner or something.
I’m hoping that it was just the heat of the moment that turned the situation ugly and that maybe you can work this out. But if she/they still try to run over your boundaries you are NTJ for sticking to them and continuing to tell them no.” BeautifulLiar84
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but to be honest I wonder if they were actually just wanting a look at how bad it is. If he knocks holes in the walls and then loses interest in the project, that could be dangerous and certainly demoralizing. I wonder if part of the reason you are struggling to do chores and keep up your house is that he has made it unworkable (for example: disconnected the kitchen sink so you have to do dishes in the bathtub.
Don’t laugh – I know a woman who lives like this.) Or to see if it is a hoarder situation? The bottom line, they may just be worried about you. A lot of people can put on a good show, but your house has its own messages/secrets to tell.” Unit-Healthy
14. AITJ For Expecting My Wife To Cook Dinner While Grieving?
“So my (F30s) wife (F30s) and I have been married for four years.
She comes from a country where the cost of living is very low and so has always had house help, cooks, drivers, and dog walkers to do the practical things and because of this is not used to helping with chores. But now we live in a country where the cost of living is very high and we cannot afford any of the above and so for the last four years I have tried with varying degrees of success to get her to do a fair share of chores.
I currently work one full-time job, and a part-time job, and am also studying full-time. This doesn’t leave me with many days off but I also do almost all of the chores around the house (apart from cooking the evening meal which she generally does). My wife is currently not working, she quit her job 5 months ago due to racism at work and also because she said it would help her to prioritize supporting me with the chores.
However unfortunately in October, her mother died and she is understandably taking some time to deal with that (which has been made harder by the fact that her mother was a very toxic parent to her, especially in her last days alive). She is attending therapy to support her with working through things and once a month we will also be attending therapy together.
However, over the last 6 months, she hasn’t cooked much at all but will tell me at the last minute (after work or late in the evening around 6 pm) so I have started checking at lunchtime how she is feeling and stepping in to cook when needed. Today she told me at lunchtime she would cook dinner.
But when dinner time came she said she didn’t want to and hadn’t defrosted anything. I worked a 13-hour day today and am very tired and angry that I also have to cook dinner. I also need to study tonight so I will be up very late so I told her I was very frustrated that she hadn’t told me at lunch and she called me a jerk for bringing up something so petty when she’s grieving.
So AITJ for being angry that she didn’t tell me earlier she wasn’t going to cook dinner and for talking to her about this when I know she’s having a hard time?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
It’s a tricky situation. Grief is tricky and unpredictable, it can affect you in a lot of ways you did not expect.
She might feel okay at one point in the day and tell you she will do things, but then feel worse quite suddenly and not be able to anymore. It seems like she needs more time to process her mother’s passing. At the same time, I do not think you are in the wrong for being frustrated.” chamolilies
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m very aware of how depression and grief can affect a person, I’ve had more than my fair share of both. However you can’t keep working a full-time job, or a part-time job, and study and then do basically all the chores forever. If this was a recent issue I’d say give her time but it isn’t.
She’s never really helped you out with chores and she quit her job partially to help you in that aspect. Which she hasn’t done. It sounds harsh but she needs to step up, or you’re going to end up completely breaking down.
I suggest increasing your joint therapy if you can afford it and bringing this specifically up during the sessions.
You can be as supportive as anything but we all have our limits and I just don’t see you surviving this way for long without it destroying your mental health and your relationship.
If she won’t then she may need to look at going back into employment so you can potentially hire someone even if it’s just to come in once every few weeks, which might be more affordable for you” ChairMiddle3250
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, grief is so tough and can have really varied effects on your life (going through it myself). I don’t blame you one bit for being frustrated, and I don’t blame her for not being able to do much right now. That said, this is unsustainable for you. I think you both need to sit and talk, together or with the therapist, and come up with a game plan moving forward that you both agree to.” User
Another User Comments:
“If your wife had been doing her fair share before her mother died, I would be more inclined to believe her grief has her paralyzed, which can happen. But your wife has never done her fair share and I think it’s likely that whatever sadness she feels over her mother’s passing has very little to do with what’s going on.
Because what’s been going on is your wife has a breadwinner to pay her bills, you, and your wife has a staff of servants to cook and do the domestic chores, you. This is exactly how she wants her life to be—and that’s what you need to be discussing in counseling.
If you’re about to explode or collapse, I’m not surprised. NTJ.” HeartpineFloors
13. WIBTJ If I Insist On Going On A Trip?
“My husband has a family friend that has a house in Milan. He has offered for us to stay at his house multiple times and that we are always welcome. We live in Stockholm and my brother is coming to visit me at the end of the month. He has never left the United States before, and it is also his birthday during the trip.
I wanted to surprise him with a trip to Milan for his birthday, and since the stay would be free I would only need to pay for the flight as a birthday gift. I thought this would be so perfect and a great present for him.
The problem comes when BIL and SIL find out about my plans to take my brother there.
They were planning their honeymoon to Milan in September and were planning on utilizing the family friend’s home. They asked me to consider going somewhere else because they wanted to be the first in the family to go to Milan and to have a special place no one has been to for their honeymoon.
While I absolutely understand wanting your honeymoon to be special, I feel like you can’t ask someone to not go to a specific city because you are planning to go there and want to be the first to go.
In addition, it is just me and my brother going, my husband cannot go due to work. So we would not be doing any of the romantic things I am sure they are planning on doing. They are adamant that they are in the right, and while they have said ‘we can’t tell you where to go or not to go’.
They have made comments that they probably would not go to Milan for their honeymoon if I went with my brother.
I just need to know that I’m not going crazy over here, I feel like it’s absolutely nuts to gatekeep an entire city for yourself. But WIBTJ if I basically say shut up, I’m going with my brother?”
Another User Comments:
“‘have a special place no one has been to for their honeymoon.’
But the family friend has been there.
Tell them they need to consider Antarctica because there’s less of a chance other people will go there.
They don’t get to claim a house or a city for their honeymoon. When I first started reading your story I thought you were planning on going at the same time… That I could understand.
It seems like they want to come back from their honeymoon and share all of these pictures as if it’s brand new and exciting. Which is sort of odd and very narcissistic.
So I would give them this option: If they want to pay for your lodging in another city of your choosing, You would consider going elsewhere.
After all, I assume it’s the free lodging that is the reason you would go to Milan versus London or Paris or going to the other cities in Europe.
But otherwise, it’s insane for them to expect you to have extra expenses because they might go to Milan on their honeymoon. I say might because it doesn’t seem like it’s definitive since they said they will change their plans.
YWNBTJ.” User
Another User Comments:
“Even if it’s pure, unadulterated jerk behavior, I can at the very least still see what pit some of the jerks on the internet are mining their logic out of.
Your BIL and SIL, however? No clue why they think you visiting a friend’s home before they defile it with their honeymoon antics has anything to do with anything.
If you were maybe planning to overlap their dates I can see them asking you to politely step aside, but your trip literally has nothing to do with theirs in terms of their own planning and enjoyment. Go and have a great time with your brother.
NTJ.” RoamingAmber
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That’s absolutely ridiculous.
You having been there first will not affect their lives at all. I could understand if they didn’t want to see your pictures because they want to see it live first or something, or maybe not even hear about it. But, just to not let you go, or try to not let you go, is way out there.” Comfortable_Stop_717
12. AITJ For Taking Advantage Of My New "Favored" Status With My Parents?
“I (28M) always butted heads with my parents growing up while my brother (26M) always kept his head down and stayed quiet.
Because of this, they always favored him. My brother and I never let this favoritism affect our relationship but it made me sour toward our parents.
My brother moved out and eventually got a partner. After being together for two years, they got engaged and moved in together. My parents are Christian and blew up at my brother and his fiancée about living together before they were married. For the rest of their engagement, my parents would flip into hysterics about them and make his fiancée really uncomfortable.
Once they were finally married, my parents calmed down but now my brother and his wife are in low contact with them.
Because of all this, my parents are now treating me like the new favorite despite my distaste for them. Here is where it gets complicated. I met a girl a year ago and now we just moved in together.
I can confidently say after spending every day together for a year that I plan on spending the rest of my life with her.
Important note, my brother’s wife is a mild-mannered inoffensive white girl. My SO is Jamaican and combative like myself. My parents are white and have openly discussed their judgmental views with me and my brother.
My mother even told me as a teenager that if I brought a black girl home, she would not be welcome in my mother’s house.
Needless to say, my parents would not approve of my relationship and give me more trouble than they gave my brother if it ever came to light. Here is where I may be the jerk.
I discussed what to do with my SO and initially, I was going to go no contact with my parents. But after a bit of thinking, we realized I was getting gifts, financial help, and some other perks because of my ‘favored’ status. So we decided that I would go low contact with them and keep things amiable so I can fly under the radar and milk the situation for the foreseeable future.
So far, I was able to have my dad unknowingly gift my SO an immersion blender for Christmas in addition to an electric shaver for myself.
Lastly, I asked my brother and his wife his thoughts on this and they agreed it might be a bit of a jerk move but well deserved. Of course, they agreed to keep our secret and this situation is currently ongoing.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your parents, though, are grade-A jerks.
I came into this expecting to say that you were the jerk solely because I assumed (eh) that you were using your favored status to get one over on your sibling. You were not. And furthermore, everyone other than your jerk parents is aware of what’s going on here and is in favor of it, which further colors my opinion here.
Your parents are playing favorites and have been playing favorites since they had kids. Gross. On top of that, they use their ‘favored child’ status to manipulate their kids. Even grosser.
Lemme share a quote from an old, old movie (Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner) that’s stuck with me ever since I saw it decades ago:
‘Let me tell you something. I owe you nothing! If you carried that bag a million miles, you did what you were supposed to do because you brought me into this world, and from that day you owed me everything you could ever do for me, like I will owe my son if I ever have another.
But you don’t own me!’
In this case, as far as I’m concerned, you owe your parents nothing. Not even the truth about your life partner. Shocking, I know. But your parents owed you, and your sibling, respect and kindness. They owed you compassion and love, and they owed you everything they could ever do for you from the moment you were born.
Instead, they played you against each other and manipulated you to get the behavior they wanted. And then they cut you off when they didn’t get what they wanted. In other words, they failed you, and they failed you in the most basic of ways.
If that means that you end up playing them to get a blender, then so be it.
So yeah. NTJ.
And for the record, I say this as the parent of adult children (plural).” Impossible_Zebra8664
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Not for your views on your parents, but for using them in a deceptive way.
Their views are their own and you won’t change that. (They are jerks for their views, but your question is if YOU are the jerk for abusing them.) But milking a situation like that is in my opinion immoral and deceiving.
You know this is going to blow up when they find out and that will ruin any chance of them talking to you ever again.
If you feel this way about them, just do the right thing and cut contact with them stating the reasons. They seem to be giving gifts from a standpoint of love, you accepting it knowing the truth is manipulative.
There is no excuse for being deceptive and abusing them.” Mountainman1959
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but be prepared to pull the plug when it stops being funny and starts messing with your head – or your SO’s head. Be sure to check in with her often about this. Y’all just moved in together, I don’t see this playing out for more than a year before she wants to see you demonstrate how you’re going to handle your awful parents & starts getting uneasy about the delay.
So, just keep an eye on that and end the secrecy when it starts being a wedge between y’all instead of bringing you closer together.” Candid-Ear-4840
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your parents suck but let’s not pretend your taking advantage of this situation is anything but selfish. You’ve got no more moral standing than your parents do, regardless of whether it’s deserved or not.
And now you’re here seeking validation while you know you’re a jerk, just gleefully grinning as other similarly-minded people give you what you want to continue pretending you have some sort of moral standing to continue being a gross leech. Cut them off, be done with them, and be better. Let’s not pretend that this is a one-off thing and you wouldn’t find other reasons that let you feel justified in being trash to other human beings.” gosuposu
11. AITJ For "Spying" On My Daughter?
“I’m married with 3 adult kids. All were employed and moved out. Six months ago, my 24-year-old single daughter asked to move back home for a year to help save for an apartment.
We agreed and charged her only a small rent (that I planned to give back if she met her savings goals).
This past summer, my wife and I went on a vacation, and my daughter, without our knowledge, held a party at the house. Upon return, we noted items in the house damaged or missing.
My daughter admitted to what happened and committed to paying for damaged/stolen items.
I was upset and felt the privacy and sanctity of ‘my castle’ was violated. It made me sick to my stomach that strangers I didn’t know were in my house and pilfered through my stuff. I got over it and we moved on.
However, I made it very clear to my daughter that NO VISITORS were allowed in our house in the future unless we were present and/or approved in advance.
Fast forward to the Holidays. After Christmas, my wife and I went on a 3-day getaway.
Prior to leaving, I installed a wireless ‘nanny-cam’ device in the living room that is hooked up to the internet.
I did it on my own without advising my wife and daughter – Kind of like a ‘Trust-but-Verify’ situation.
After a day, I logged into the camera at about 9:00 PM and although there wasn’t a party going on, my daughter had a guy in the house engaging in an activity I can’t unsee. I quickly turned the computer off and told my wife… and then things went down.
She accused me of violating my daughter’s trust and dignity. She immediately called my daughter and advised that I was ‘spying’ on her – and our mini-getaway devolved into a series of mean-spirited comments and silent treatment. Upon our return home, my daughter was in the process of moving out, and I’m not getting into specifics.
In my defense, what I saw for all 5 seconds was not expected on my part. My daughter wasn’t in a relationship or even seeing someone. Further, she violated my explicit rule of not having guests over… and there was only a single camera that covered the living room – not an area where there is normally an expectation of privacy.
Although it’s embarrassing all around, I don’t think I’m the jerk. I believe I was within my rights to protect and surveil my house in the manner that I did. My wife’s position is that I had no right to put a camera in the living room without her knowledge, and my daughter’s position is that if she knew about the camera, she wouldn’t have invited anyone over, but nevertheless believes she did nothing wrong, as she was a rent-paying adult, and was entitled to have a single person over, and what I did was a gross invasion of her privacy.
For the record… I didn’t pass judgment. My daughter is a mature adult and could have engaged in whatever legal activity she chose – Just not in my house involving another person.
So here I am just over a week later, looking for the opinion of strangers on the internet? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
It would have been 100% okay if you had just told your daughter about the security camera. She wouldn’t throw a party because she knows she was being watched, and she’d still have lots of privacy throughout the rest of the house. But she deserves to know which parts are private and which ones are not.
Security cameras are for external property only. You could have totally known if she was having a party or not just by watching the cameras, and her privacy wouldn’t have been violated. That goes for external cameras only, and never with a window to the inside in the shot. Aside from that, any inside cameras need to be discussed with household members.
Honestly, I don’t think she will ever feel comfortable visiting again. Every time she uses the restroom she will wonder if you’re watching her in there too.” BasketeerOverHere
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’ll give you a ding for not informing your wife. However, the camera was in a public room. You gave her a strict rule of no visitors after having a party where your possessions were stolen and destroyed. Right there she can’t be trusted.
‘if she knew about the camera, she wouldn’t have invited anyone over.’
Right. Because she knew it was wrong. If anyone was sure they’d get caught they wouldn’t do anything, right? Under the terms of her ‘rental agreement’, she was NOT entitled to have anyone over without your permission. The fact that the minute you were gone she had someone over and did something you can’t unsee in the living room was her way of giving you the middle finger – you can’t tell ME what to do!
That is not the behavior of an adult. Of course, an adult wouldn’t have trashed your house in the first place.” ohsogreen
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your rent-paying, adult daughter can only have guests over when you’re home/approve in advance?
Your daughter doesn’t want to put you on notice every time she wants to hook up with someone, it’s a gross invasion of her privacy and really weird and controlling.
If I were you I would be relieved she chose to do this while I wasn’t home and didn’t have to know about it. This is a short-sighted rule that has been messing up your daughter’s life apparently for months, I am not shocked she broke it.
It’s also just never ok to set up secret cameras, especially without the knowledge of your wife.
That’s messed up. What if your daughter had just walked through the living room without clothes on laundry day? You would have violated her just as much by recording that. That’s why your wife and daughter are mad, it’s creepy even if you were ‘vindicated’ by the choice she made.
If your actual concern was another party/unwanted guests, setting up exterior cameras as part of a security system would have been just as good and provided you with a thin veneer of plausible deniability.
Might have saved you some money on your home insurance, too. As it stands your reaction to the initial issue was draconian in the first place and this was a very creepy and inappropriate final straw.” jillyfish5
Another User Comments:
“Several thoughts:
As a renter (even a low-priced renter), your daughter has the right to have visitors, even ones that the landlord doesn’t know.
(The ‘move back home to save up for an apartment’ seems weird to me, if she didn’t move home, where would she have been living if not an apartment? And apartments aren’t a one-shot expense to be saved up for, they are a monthly expense. I’m sure it made sense to you.)
After the party, your (nominally) adult daughter should have been the one to tell you about the damage rather than you finding it and her admitting to it.
Spying on your wife (and all the other people in the house) with hidden cameras gets you a vote.
Not volunteering that her party had damaged your stuff, gets your daughter a vote.
So, if we leave your wife out of it, then everyone sucks here.” fuzzy_mic
10. AITJ For Locking My Room Even Though My Mom Told Me Not To?
“I (18f) got into an argument with my sister (13f) about her coming in my room and using my stuff without permission like makeup, accessories, and clothes.
I hate sharing my things because I’ve bought them with my own funds and she destroys everything because according to her everything is replaceable. She came into my room a few days ago when I was out with friends and took a necklace my SO gave me and hid it. I come home yesterday to wear the necklace on my anniversary date and it was missing.
I and my mom searched everywhere but we couldn’t find it.
We asked my sister if she had seen it and she denied it and even helped search for it. Yesterday I was cleaning the basement and found it in a drawer along with my sister’s jewelry and instantly confronted her but she started crying saying that she did it because I never share my stuff and it’s unfair to her because she gets pocket change and sometimes it isn’t enough to cover her purchases, and how I should share with her because I make enough with my part-time job.
I took it up with my mom who is also mad at her and grounded her as punishment. The next day rolls up and I lock my bedroom door if I’m not at home and my mom gets mad saying that she doesn’t want any doors locked in her house and asked me to submit the room key to her.
I told her no and went into my room and locked myself and called my dad to come to pick me up and explained the situation to him.
Now my mom’s mad at me. AITJ?
EDIT- My parents are divorced and I’m at my dad’s place at weekends and I also pay rent.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – tell your mom you will be deducting the costs of ANYTHING your sister steals or breaks from whatever rent you pay… or she can allow you to have a lock on your door. Since you don’t currently trust that your sister won’t steal the key, I wouldn’t anyway, you don’t wish to give your mom a spare key, not to lock your mom out, just your sister.
Try to remain as calm as possible when talking with your mom about it.
You are an adult, your stuff is yours, and obviously, your sister is NOT to be trusted, since she even helped you search for something that she hid.” nafsinala
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re 18 years old, a legal adult, and different rules apply to you than your younger sister.
It’s really up to your mom to be communicating why this behavior is going on and explaining to her that ‘big sis is an adult’. I hope that actual conversations are being had between them instead of just grounding her.
To me, your sister’s behavior seems like a grab for attention, whether it’s positive or negative attention it is still attention.
Is there a way you can include her, make some sort of special time once a week or something for y’all to spend time together and she can be included in your world a little? Maybe showing her your favorite jewelry or taking her for lunch? I am 10 years older than my sister so I understand that when we reach 17/18 it’s easy to leave our little siblings behind but we are still a huge pillar in their lives.
Whether your mom is acting as a landlord or not she does have the right to access the room in her own home, so I believe she does need to have a key.” Wazujimoip
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I find the ‘everything is replaceable’ comment to be most telling. Your sister isn’t responsible for replacing anything now, is she?
She steals your makeup (gross) – she doesn’t replace it. She steals your clothes – she doesn’t replace them. She steals your necklace – she doesn’t replace it/you found it. Your sister doesn’t replace anything because she’s a child. She doesn’t have any money.
Either you have to pay to replace items or your mother and father do.
She seems to view your bedroom as a cool, in-house mall store that she can go shoplifting in at any time and never be responsible for the cost. Give your Mom a bill for every piece of makeup stolen and used, every item of clothing stolen and ruined, everything that’s gone missing and you’ve replaced. See how seriously she takes this matter when she’s asked to foot the bill.
(With my own brother I had to go into his bedroom when he was home and go through every drawer, under the bed, closet, etc. I left with 2 cardboard boxes of my stuff. He got home later and lost his mind. I had stolen HIS stuff. No no on the contrary. After a brief confrontation in my room he left. He didn’t come back.)” georgiajl38
Sister could get a job. Babysitting, cleaning, or working fast food somewhere.
9. AITJ For Calling Out My "Feminist" Friend?
“My (F32) best childhood friend (F32) just became a lawyer and then dumped her partner.
My best friend and I grew up in poverty.
We had not had many opportunities for education. For young women in our area, our options were retail, getting into illegal stuff, or hoping a rich guy would notice us. For guys, it was retail, getting into illegal stuff, or finding one of the few factory jobs remaining.
I got lucky, and managed to go out with a med student, he helped open doors for me and I have become a teacher in a school in a lower socioeconomic area to provide those opportunities.
My husband is now a doctor.
My friend tried that option but was not as lucky. She was working min wage retail at age 25. While doing so she got friendly with a factory worker (M30) who came by regularly and they started going out. He knew he was not the academic type, school was not for him.
But he also saw potential in my friend and encouraged her to go to school. She had dreams of becoming a criminal prosecutor and he encouraged her to not give up. He took out whatever loan he could find so that she could get an education. He supported her through and through, did the housework, worked extra shifts, and everything so she could get an education.
My friend persevered, graduated, and became a lawyer. Shortly after, she broke up with her SO; just as he planned on proposing to her. She said that as a professional, she had no interest in being married to a working-class man and that she ‘deserves’ a ‘real man’. I was horrified and told her that she is betraying a man who has supported her through all this and made her what she is.
She got mad and said that it is not the Woman’s job to pay the bills and that I am a hypocrite cause my husband makes a lot more than me. She further said that the idea of marriage as a life partnership is a patriarchal construct, that she has the right to go out with whomever she wants, and that as a feminist I should be supporting her.
I told her that she is not only a major jerk, but she is also giving feminists a bad name because feminism means women financially supporting their male partners as much as in the reverse.
Edit: I am no longer friends with her.
Edit 2: Yes, he is on the hook for the loans; she has no intention of paying them back.
Edit 3: My ex-bestie’s ex has seen this and is thankful for all the support he has gotten. He is still deeply hurt but my husband and I are right now focused on him.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because you are right, that was a jerk move on her part. The idea of a ‘real man’ only being a breadwinner is very much not feminist. She’s using feminism as a way to try to make her defenses seem untouchable because then she can proclaim you aren’t a feminist and shut you down – when her behavior has nothing to do with feminism.
Dumping him because she wants to ladder climb is extremely classist and coldhearted. It really sounds like she just used him for his money, rather than actually enjoying the relationship or caring for him. Very sad that she felt it necessary to manipulate someone to survive, and even sadder for her poor ex being used like that.” Dontdrinkthecoffee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your friend is going to have a huge wake-up call if she continues this behavior. Not only is what she did extremely unkind and hurtful, but the ‘real men’ she wants to go out with are going to easily recognize her for being desperate and from a blue-collar background. She may now be a lawyer, but she’s still thinking and acting like a desperate little girl who needs to marry a rich in order to escape.
Your (ex)friend has set herself up for failure. Even if she marries wealthy she’s not going to be happy.
Feminism is equality. She can call the ability to be as heartless as a man who uses women feminism if she wants, but this isn’t really about that. It’s about someone who got into their head that only one path can lead to happiness and is so busy looking for it that they don’t notice the multiple paths right in front of them.” EmpressJainaSolo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is very traditional for men in medicine to do – they would marry a woman, get her to work to pay their way through med school, then immediately dump her as soon as they got their schooling done for a hot young piece. This is one of the evilest things you can do to another person because you literally saw them as just a piggy bank for years and were leading them on.
She’s got the education but that personality of hers will disqualify her from ever getting anywhere. She’s unable to see others as people, which means she’s barely a human, and certainly not cut out for criminal law in any capacity. You do, in fact, need to be able to feign empathy at the very least.
On the upside, the men she’s going after will probably not see her as a person either, so the karmic justice will be that she gets used and abused in the same way she harmed that poor guy for the rest of her life.” reddit_insane_inane
8. AITJ For Making My Sister Follow Strict Rules While She Lives With Me?
“I’m the oldest of 12. I think my parents are amazing parents and all of my siblings are great kids/young adults except for Kylie (17).
Kylie has ADHD and went to therapy and was medicated when she was younger but she recently stopped taking her meds or going to therapy because she thinks there’s nothing wrong with her. She has gotten caught smoking, drinking, sneaking out, and has ditched so many times that she might not graduate in time.
She’s also been making our siblings’ lives miserable.
It got to the point where one of my sisters (9) called me to ask if she could live with me because Kylie was too mean. I told our parents about it and they admitted that they needed help but didn’t know what to do so I offered for Kylie to stay with me.
Kylie was very excited to get away from my parents and siblings until I told her the rules she will have to follow when living with me and my kids.
They are:
- She is responsible for keeping her room and bathroom clean. I do room checks every Sunday and if they are not clean, she doesn’t get her electronics until they are.
- In addition to cleaning her room and bathroom, I expect her to sweep and mop once a week and make dinner once a week.
- She has a 7 o clock curfew on school days and a 9 o clock curfew on weekends, but she has to ask me before going anywhere and she has a tracker on her phone.
- She loses her electronics, except for her school laptop, at 9 every morning and does not get them back until she’s done with all of her schoolwork and her chores.
- She will do her schoolwork (she does independent study classes) from my office so I can keep an eye on her and make sure she’s doing her work.
- If she is failing a class, she does not get to go out and only gets 30 minutes of screen time a day until she gets her grades up.
- She will go to therapy and take her medication while she’s living in my house.
- I will not give her funds for anything. She can babysit my kids (8 and 10), do extra chores, or get a part-time job (curfew is flexible if it’s for work) if she wants extra funds.
She and I get into a lot of arguments but she’s actually doing very well.
She even got her first A last week.
My parents are a little upset that I’ve been so strict with Kylie but they understand that in this situation, it is necessary because nothing else worked.
We were at a party with my husband’s side of the family and Kylie wasn’t allowed to use her electronics that night.
She asked my MIL to borrow her iPad and talked to her friends until I found her and took the iPad.
Kylie hadn’t logged out of the social media and my MIL saw her DMs. Apparently, Kylie said some pretty nasty things about me and told her friend all of the rules she has to follow.
My MIL called me that night and told me off for being so strict with Kylie and said that she was being a ‘normal teenager’. She went so far as to say that if I treated my kids like this when they were older, she will call CPS on me.
AITJ for being too strict with my sister?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna say soft YTJ just because of her age. If she’s 17, that means that in a year she will be a legal adult. If you are that strict at this age, she won’t be prepared for the independence that comes with adulthood. Having her keep her grades up, do meds and therapy, and keep her space clean/chores are reasonable.
Managing her electronics so strictly is rough, especially given how hard it is for kids to navigate social connections in the time of the global crisis. That curfew is a little ridiculous in my opinion, but I was raised with a lot more leeway. My worry, given how you’ve described the situation, is that she will do everything in her power to move out when she is 18, and she won’t be ready for it.
At this point, the job you’ve taken on isn’t to raise her, it’s to prepare her for being an adult.” TenaciousTiger666
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The reason she is living with you is that she has used up all her chances at her own house. She is skirting trouble.
Yes, your sister may not appreciate your rules.
I can totally see her hating it and blaming YOU for her not being able to go out, have social media, etc. That’s what kids do.
However, it all comes down to her getting her A and following the rules. It has obviously helped her, against her will.
And she has choices. She can go back to her parents’ home, flunk out of school, hurt the other siblings, drink, smoke, sneak out, whatever.
I’m unsure of what her next option would be – running away to live on the streets or foster care. Oh, don’t forget the court-ordered therapy and fines if she gets too far outside of the law.
Your parents should be kissing your butt and thanking you. Instead, they want to be HER friend and agree with her that you are too strict.
There are always choices and she can leave her key when she has had enough.
Ask your MIL if she wants her to move into her house so she can be the better parent.
I do think that she should get ‘rewarded’ for good behavior. The goal should be for her to act her age, be a member of the family, dedicate herself to school and be comfortable with today’s world.
She shouldn’t live as an outcast and she should get time off for good behavior.
NTJ.” Dreadedredhead
Another User Comments:
“Slight YTJ. I know you don’t expect her to fail, but that’s the way you word things and also the way you are making it feel for her. You most definitely should have rules, especially given the circumstances.
I think you are alienating her though by taking away all electronics in the ways that you do. Also, the curfew rule is a bit too much for 17.
She has ADHD, it would be highly beneficial to her if you made a clear-cut path for her to gain your trust and earn back some of her freedoms. I know this is what my brother would need and he would succeed. If I gave him rules and loosely told him he’d eventually have more freedom, he’d give up quickly.
She’s on meds and in therapy for a reason, you need to do your diligence to understand that what would work for you and most likely your children is not going to work for her.
You’re doing the right thing by helping your sister and your family. I think you may be adding a bit too much stress for everyone involved though by holding such high expectations.” LilaJax22
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your house, your rules. If she doesn’t want to follow them, go live back home or get her own place. If MIL thinks it’s all normal, go live with them. She’s 17… trying to be an adult but not quite there. It’s a struggle. And she is off her meds.
(I have mental health issues. Her mind and body are probably going through it. Especially if she has been on meds for a long time.) She has decisions to make because this ain’t Burger King and she can’t have it her way. Offer her options but keep in mind, she may not have the maturity or wisdom to make good decisions.
Good luck to you both!” Toph0420
7. AITJ For Making My Stepdaughter Upset After Trying To Get Through To My Stepson?
“We have 4 kids in our family. My stepson and stepdaughter, and my birth son and daughter (husband and my kids together). I refer to all of them as my kids because we believed that not having labels would help the older two blend.
The three younger kids get along incredibly well but my stepson (the oldest) has always been very competitive (which is awesome in sports!
But not so awesome in the family!) and has been comparing a lot between his mom’s house and ours. We (his dad and I) have tried to tell him nicely that he has two homes and not everything will be equal in both homes but that is something he will face in life. His mom is a lot wealthier and she has more custody of the kids so they do have more material goods in their other home, which is something that the 4 kids don’t get at ours.
We are happy that SS (stepson) and SD (stepdaughter) are given these things, but the two younger kids don’t share these benefits. We have spoken to the younger two in an age-appropriate way that their older brother and sister do have different lives than they do.
My stepson was bragging to me about stuff he gets at his mom’s and how the kids here don’t, and I was really frustrated after being so nice about it.
I responded and told him to be gracious and humble. I told him that the younger two get more time with their dad and we get memories in this house with him. He got the point and apologized and wasn’t upset, but my SD was really upset and is now refusing to talk to any of us.
My husband told me that he isn’t ok with losing his daughter and is upset with how I handled the situation.
I feel like a jerk because while this was directed to my stepson and he finally understood my message and wasn’t offended, my stepdaughter was really hurt.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You asked a teenager to be ‘gracious and humble’ and then you proceeded to be the exact opposite.
The overall tenor of your post is kind and thoughtful, so I have to believe that this was a really terrible, poorly thought-out mistake, but wow. What you said wasn’t just thoughtless, it was flat-out cruel. While you were right about suggesting that your stepson needed to be more thoughtful and gracious about the privileges that life at his mother affords him, you completely failed to recognize that he is, for all intents and purposes, still a kid, with a lot of growing up to do – growing up that YOU are supposed to be helping to guide, with wisdom and maturity.
He was being immature, and needed correcting; but he IS immature, he’s a teenager.
And instead of correcting him in a manner that recognized the difficulty of his situation, and that his rudeness was likely the bravado of a kid trying to cope, you were shockingly cruel, pointing out to your stepkids, who HAD NO CHOICE IN THE BREAKUP OF THEIR PARENTS, and who no matter how lovingly both households run, will always live with the inherent trauma of having to split their time between two households and having their parents not living together… pointing out to them that their siblings WILL NEVER HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THAT.
That THEY get to have their shared father (and their mother) all the time, their parents together, a whole family.
What you said was terribly petty, and staggeringly cruel, even if you didn’t mean it that way. You owe BOTH of your stepchildren an apology.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – I think your husband catastrophizing a single fight into ‘losing his daughter’ is a huge red flag and something he needs to be working on.
The best thing to do is sit down with your SD as a family and have a discussion that you love her and you love that she has such wonderful things with her mom, but that you don’t want her siblings to ever feel bad or less than her. Let her know that this isn’t about putting her down, but more about protecting her siblings.
Apologize, explain, offer her a chance to tell her side of the story, and then respond in a way that shows you heard her and that you understand/care that she’s upset.
In the future, I’d refrain from anything that gives off ‘yeah well at least our kids have their dad’ energy.” Propofol_Totalis
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I’d be tempted to say everyone sucks here because your stepson bragging isn’t great but he only sucks a little for that. Your kids are 7 and 5, which means you came into the stepkids’ lives when they were 9 and 6 or younger. At this point, your stepkids remember their parents being together and have now spent either most of their childhood or over half their childhood in SD’s case shuffling back and forth between two houses.
You should have told your stepson to stop and talk to his dad and mom about it. If you’d just told him to be humble that would be one thing, but no, you went for b***d. You told him his younger half-siblings get something he will never get – more time with dad, which is something that isn’t his fault and he has no control over.
You rubbed the fact that his younger half-siblings don’t have to deal with the stress of going back and forth to his face. You chose your words because you knew they would hurt.
This isn’t about teaching a lesson in humility, this is being absolutely cruel. And you thought he wouldn’t tell his sister? You thought he’d just keep that hurt to himself?
You weaponized his parent’s divorce and YOU made your SD collateral damage, not him. He does need to learn not to brag, but you owe him and SD a huge apology. You were deliberately cruel.” Ancient-Transition-4
6. AITJ For Still Eating On A Flight Even Though The Family Next To Me Told Me Not To?
“I was recently flying from NYC to LAX for a work trip and I had the displeasure of sitting next to a family and a little boy (9).
I got on the plane in the midst of issues with my diabetes and I needed to eat within two hours so I began snacking. I immediately began receiving dirty looks from the parents and the mother said ‘can you not do that around our son?’ So I put my food away and figured I’d wait until the flight attendant came around so I could buy food from her and eat at an acceptable time just to show some respect for their wishes.
So the flight attendant comes by with her beverages and snacks, I start to ask for a soda and a snack box, but before I can finish the sentence the father says ‘nothing for this row, we’re all set here’ and she continues on. I go up to press the call light so I can get my food and my drink because I actually need it and the father says ‘our son has prader-willi, we’d prefer it if you didn’t eat because it causes tantrums when he doesn’t know he can’t eat and he’s always hungry.’ I’m close to a tantrum myself at this point and so I look him in the eye and say ‘I do not care, fly private if you want to control your surroundings.’
The flight attendant comes back and I get my food and my drink, I snarf it down and chug my soda, and I sit back. As soon as I’m calmed and I’m able to open my laptop and get back to work the mother leans in and says ‘I feel a calling to educate you about my son’s disease’ and I felt my entire body clench up.
She keeps talking to me and explaining how I’d made her son feel and I said ‘listen lady, I don’t care, I’m going to handle my T1D the way I see fit and you’re going to handle your son the way you see fit. I’m not endangering myself because you don’t want to deal with a tantrum, if you want to control other people then you book all the seats in a row, or you fly private.’
I recounted the story to a friend of mine once I’d gotten off the plane and she immediately told me that I was a huge jerk and I should’ve given them a little bit of grace due to their son’s condition. I kind of feel bad but at the same time, I think that it’s unavoidable if you’re going into public and you’re around others.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – do they expect people to stop eating as they walk past a restaurant? Picnics to stop in the park? They can’t continually control his surroundings. Plus the problem isn’t people eating near him, it’s him not understanding what’s going on. The parents need to explain to him what’s going on, not explain medical things to strangers.
If they want to completely control their surroundings then yeah they can fly private or maybe a nighttime flight so they can sleep instead.” SunsetSunnyD
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I feel for the family because I’m sure it’s a very difficult condition to manage and causes a great deal of stress. But their solution to try and manage it is not a great one – you cannot control when other people (especially strangers!) decide to eat – one reason being that many people – yourself included – have their own medical conditions to manage and will have needs that are incompatible with theirs.
Instead of putting the onus on others to avoid triggering a tantrum, they need to focus on strategies to help their son manage his emotions when he is feeling frustrated about being unable to eat.” CrimsonPorpoise
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I feel bad for the kid based on all of it. He already can’t forget about his disease and is almost always experiencing severe symptoms. Add these parents, and he’ll never be able to feel successful.
Plus, he’s experiencing these symptoms regardless of the presence of crappy airline snacks.
Why didn’t anyone here speak to the kid? If the kid was clearly upset about the eating, why couldn’t they speak to him and address his health issues? I work in peds and have had many patients with prader willi and it is torture for them.
They are often otherwise developmentally appropriate, or close to it. Yes, he is going to experience seeing other humans eat. He also is going to have to learn how to advocate for himself and reach reasonable accommodations with other humans.
Clearly, he wasn’t throwing a tantrum when you were literally eating! I myself struggle with anxiety and certainly have the urge to control my surroundings to prevent unexpected or difficult situations, so I can understand where they may come from.
It just doesn’t work in reality.” Bekah_grace96
5. AITJ For Disrespecting My Professor?
“Today I was having an online math session and I was having a tough time solving problems. I’m sick and I wasn’t having a good day, and my professor was poking fun at me.
At first, it was kinda entertaining, just small teases here and there that I was fine with. However towards the end of the session, he started to frustrate me because he was mentioning me even though I was doing fine, e.g. he would tell the other students that he should explain this question because I probably didn’t understand it.
I wasn’t having it anymore so I unmuted my mic and told him that he should leave me alone and that I could understand just fine like the other students. The way I said this came off kinda aggressive, so he got mad and told me to show him some respect. The sessions get recorded so I didn’t want to make any more of a scene, so I just kept quiet and he didn’t ask me to solve any more problems for the remainder of the session.
I thought I just stood up for myself but my friends who were present told me that I should have just gone along with it instead of making it into a problem. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I can’t wrap my head around people that think making others the butt of a joke without explicit consent (other than them making self-deprecating jokes about that specific topic being joked about) is fine because ‘it’s just a joke’ or ‘it’s harmless fun.’ Especially an authority figure seemingly picking on one specific person.
It’s a joke if everyone laughs; otherwise, it’s bullying.” LocknDoTs
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your teacher probably thought you found his jokes funny, it’s common for teachers to joke around with students like this. Instead of saying this ‘in front’ of everyone, you could have sent a simple email or asked him to talk a little to explain how you felt.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Respect goes both ways. He can’t be demanding that you respect him when he was being disrespectful to you. It’s one thing to do it one-on-one but he was saying crap about you to other students. That’s wrong on so many levels and I’m sure he could get in trouble if you reported him.
We all have our off days but that doesn’t mean we have to keep putting up with someone like that who doesn’t know when to stop.” LoveBeach8
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Your teacher was out of line and shouldn’t have singled you out in class however that doesn’t give you the license to yell out and disrupt the class.
You could have asked to speak with your professor after class in private and told him that you didn’t appreciate him singling you out. You can stick up for yourself without being aggressive.” CriticalPam
4. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be Responsible For My Brother?
“I (34M) come from a relatively small traditional, Hispanic family. I have two older siblings, my dad died when I was a teenager and my mom is elderly and sick. My oldest brother (51) has a mental disorder. He can eat and care for himself physically but cannot work or refuses to, and cannot be left unsupervised. He was not born this way, but rather developed it in his early 20s.
I was never close to him growing up. I felt he used his condition to his advantage and to gain sympathy from everyone. I had a feeling my dad felt the same way. They used to fight a lot about my brother being lazy and not pulling his fair share even before he developed the condition.
I have always blamed my brother for causing unnecessary stress to my dad while he was battling cancer up to his eventual death. After he was gone, I got a part-time job to help the family, while going to high school. Meanwhile, my brother has never held a job in his life.
I have made it clear to both my mother and sister that I refuse to be his caretaker when my mom passes.
I have offered to provide some help financially, but I do not want him in my house for the rest of his life, or mine. I feel no emotional attachment to him. In fact, dare I say, he feels like a stranger to me.
My mom almost passed away last year and spent several months in a rehab facility.
During this time, since I was working remotely, he came to stay with me. My sister rarely helped him. Even when I had to have surgery, she only took him for one weekend and brought him back. She thinks that because I’m the man and my wife and I have no children, I must assume that responsibility.
Anytime I bring it up she says as part of this family, I cannot just walk away from the responsibility as ‘despite everything, he is our brother’. My wife was happy to help last year but did state she would not be ok with this being a permanent arrangement. Frankly, I can’t say I blame her for that.
Ultimately, I feel it is my mother’s responsibility to make future arrangements for her son’s well-being and not just assume we will handle it. I have sat down with her and offered to pay for legal fees or whatever is needed, as long as she makes the arrangements. Months have gone by, and she just sweeps the topic under the rug.
Even if my sister offered to split the caretaking duties and time, I just don’t want any part of it at all. They both think with time I will come around, but I am not.
EDIT: He does have a diagnosis of schizophrenia and is on medication. He has had violent stages in the past, but as long as his medication is taken as it should, he is stable.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You know exactly what is happening, and what will work and won’t work for you. You are being very kind and patient to have offered help before and to offer financial help and your time in setting up your mother and brother with legal help.
I’d suggest one last family roundtable.
Be clear that you are willing to help now with legal fees, to help tour facilities, etc., and in the event of your mother’s passing, contribute X financially to your brother/his care. But, you will not take your brother into your home, no matter what. There are two able-bodied adults right now who can help make arrangements with you, but as you note, they assume you’ll step up.
You have to make it clear now that you won’t and then stick to that. I know you have, but do it one last time, clearly, so you can walk away with peace of mind that you did all you could.
And then, stick with that. Do not take your brother into your home. When/if it comes up, turn to your sister and ask if she has made arrangements to take in your brother.
It will be hard, but be firm now and realize you did all you could. You are not responsible for your brother, especially when you have tried for years to help in other ways, just not the ONLY way your mom and sister will accept.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. While he is your brother, you have made it clear that you do not want to be his caretaker.
I personally have a sister with disabilities and work with adults with disabilities. I’ve seen the mental wear and tear that being a willing caretaker can have on people. To be forced into that position unwillingly is not only harmful to you and your wife but could lead to potentially harmful behavior with your brother.
Most people assume that the safest place for those in need is with family, and that can sometimes be the case. But more often than not, the best place for someone is in the care of professionals.
My advice, establish your boundaries with your family one last time. Explain why you feel the way you do and advocate that your brother get the best care he can and that a plan is made ahead of time.” CaffeinatedKiddo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. With your brother’s diagnosis, it would be better to find an assisted living facility for him now. That is a serious mental health condition and yes it’s normal for it to come on in a person’s 20s and makes it more difficult to do things like being stable enough for work and medication that stabilizes the condition often makes it impossible to work, your brother is not being lazy or putting it on.
He really does need full-time support and it would be better for everyone to be in a facility that can give proper help with a level of independence.
Settling him into that sort of facility would be better when your mom is still alive rather than being tied into the added trauma of her passing.
You or your sister should apply to take over his medical responsibility if your mom is unwilling to make the arrangements your brother needs. Your brother’s condition if unmanaged can have the potential to be dangerous so it’s completely understandable to not want him in your or your sister’s home. Honestly assisted living is the best solution for everyone.” HexStarlight
3. WIBTJ If I Don't Tell My Sister I Used To Hook Up With Her New Man?
“So if you ever doubt that small towns are bad places for going out with people, look no further than what has happened to me. I’m a 28-year-old woman and my sister is 26. My sister recently brought her new SO around for a family dinner to let us all meet him, it was driving me nuts as for the life of me I could not place where I knew him from and it was more than the generic ‘I’ve probably seen you around town’ way.
So when my sister went to grab something and it was just me and her new SO I asked him if we knew each other from somewhere and he reminded me that we’d met three years ago which is when I realized who he was. I had a fling with him for a few days back then before I was smart enough to start traveling out of town for my flings to avoid any future issues… seems I didn’t start that practice early enough as here we are.
My sister really likes this guy and I know that if she knew I’d ‘been there’ first so to speak it would ruin it for her, but if I don’t tell her I risk being a jerk or leading to her being upset if she finds out. I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place, would I be the jerk if I kept my lips sealed on this?”
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ
If your sister continues to see this man, it is bound to come up at some point that the two of you knew each other intimately in the past. Best to get it out in the open now, because lying to your sister is going to potentially set her up for a lot of heartbreak later.
If it wrecks things in her relationship, at least she won’t feel betrayed and lied to by you as well.
You hooked up with him a long time ago, didn’t have feelings for each other, and it was no big deal. It shouldn’t be an issue, so don’t make it one. Tell her!” User
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ
The fact that you’re even worrying about it shows that it’s something that should be cleared up. If she really likes the guy she probably won’t care a lot. If she cares a lot, it will probably even get worse if she finds out later. And not even that, but she will also feel betrayed by you.
You should be as honest as possible. Tell her you barely recognized him and even had to ask who he was. She’ll hopefully just be laughing it off.” SaikaTheCasual
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ
As the little sister with a sister that’s 19 months older, you need to tell her now! Be honest with yourself and admit that being with him may have meant nothing to you but the longer you wait to tell her the worse it will be.
Let’s go over the little sister’s thought process. ‘Wow, my sister just wanted to see how much she could humiliate me by not telling me the guy I care about is someone she hooked up with. She really must think I’m worthless if it doesn’t even matter that she thinks I’m lucky to get her sloppy seconds.’ I could go on but you get the picture and you knew that already!
The longer you take to tell her, the longer it’s going to take to fix your relationship with her. He’s just a guy, but you’re the big sister she’s supposed to be able to trust.” MaryAnne0601
2. AITJ For Not Making An Effort To Maintain The Friendship?
“I (31F) have a friend who, several years ago, moved to a small town outside of our city. It’s almost an hour’s drive from my house.
When she first moved, we would take turns driving to see each other. At the time, we each had 3 kids, and I was pregnant with my 4th. When I had the baby, I invited her to come over. At that point she told me she ‘doesn’t drive in the city,’ but that I could come to her house.
I declined because the baby hated being in the car and would scream and hyperventilate the entire drive, even if it was only 10 minutes.
We’ve seen each other a few times since then, but every time it’s been me packing up my kids and making a 2-hour round-trip for maybe a 2-hour play date. Since 2020, we’ve met up at a park so we can be outside, but there’s a park right next to my house that she won’t come to in turns, either.
I’ve spoken to her about it, and the reason she won’t come into town is always just that she doesn’t want to drive. Sooo like… I feel like I’m making all the effort to get together, and it’s not worth it to me. Does that make me a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, she’s been pretty clear that she doesn’t want to drive in the city.
Maybe there’s some kind of compromise you can agree to. But with regard to you feeling upset that you’re making all the effort that’s ultimately your issue to deal with – you can talk to her about how you feel, but if there’s no easy solution, then either you bite the bullet and drive if you think seeing her is worth your while, or just don’t make the journey to see her.
If you don’t want to make that effort, it doesn’t make you a jerk.” smash-man
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Friendships evolve over time. Does she still reach out to you by phone/message at other times? Does she support you when you need it?
If the only issue is her unwillingness to drive, you can decide if you feel it’s still worth traveling (that may be the case) or you may have to adapt the friendship possibly chatting by Facetime or something similar.
After reflection, you may realize that the friendship has become more one-sided in which case you can decide whether it’s something you want to continue with or just leave it to occasional chats.” One2manylads
1. AITJ For Not Trying To Fit Into My Partner's Family?
“I spent 2 weeks with SO’s family over Christmas break and it was pretty awkward. Meal times were seemingly set in stone and everyone ate together. Breakfast was at 8, lunch was at 12, and dinner was at 6. I’m used to eating when I’m hungry and skipping breakfast and lunch and having a large dinner. There were also no snacks in the house so I had to buy a bunch of my own and sneak in because I didn’t want to make it seem like I wasn’t being fed well.
Their portions are really small too and no one asked for seconds so when I asked 3 times for seconds to feel full, there were eyebrows raised. Her dad told me her brother and he were going fishing and asked me to join them but it was 10 degrees and I hated the cold too much to join them.
I won’t lie and say I’m fit and this family did a lot of physical activities together. Skiing and snowshoeing a lot. I tried to join but I got out of breath a lot while hating the cold and they had to wait for me so I was too embarrassed to join them and told them I was tired and stayed back instead.
The mother also made a big deal about me drinking soda that I bought and was drinking at dinner, claiming the soup she made was to hydrate us or she could make me tea instead. Their food is good but it’s all home cooked and healthy and by the end, all I wanted was a burger.
They also eat so slowly and breakfast and lunch usually take 30 min and dinner 1 hour. I eat too quickly and then go watch tv since it’s weird for me to be the only one finished. I also tried to eat at the tv with my dinner but my SO insisted I eat at the table with her family.
I always eat by the tv and my SO hates that at home too.
My SO was more and more unhappy with me telling me she wants me to try to get to know her parents. I do talk to them but they seem to be quiet people and won’t talk much. The brother and I get on better but he is still working during the day and is on the computer 9-5.
He told me the key to getting his parents to like me is to have manners. Well, apparently I don’t because my SO corrected my knife and fork holding and told me to stop eating so fast. I don’t feel I eat fast I eat at the same speed as my friends but I see her parents raise their eyebrows at my eating.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
I was sympathetic in the first paragraph because it sounds like there are just huge differences between your food and activity preferences and theirs, which can be a hurdle in a relationship but is not a dealbreaker.
But you’re a guest in someone’s home and you want to leave dinner to go watch tv?
That’s insane. Also, it’s probably not an issue of how fast you’re eating, it’s that you’re not participating in the conversation. I eat fast too, but if I’m having a meal with other people I’m stopping in between bites to talk. Work on that, because I’m sure that’s the real issue here.
It sounds like you’re coming off to these people like you don’t want to talk with them because you’re trying to skip the place where a lot of their conversations occur.” herrored
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It REALLY comes across how uncomfortable you were, on many different levels, and I believe that hosts have a responsibility to make their guests feel welcome and comfortable. Her family didn’t seem to do that at all.
And also, you seem young, and 2 weeks is just waaaay too long for a first visit.; 2 days is more like it.
Rookie mistake, but you had a learning experience, and now you know for the future.
I also think your SO has some responsibility here for not preparing both you and her family about how different you all are – not bad, on either side, but very different. And maybe you are the first SO her parents have had to meet, and they were anxious and uncomfortable, too.” chart1961
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. The brother and more importantly your SO dropped huge hints for you. Work on your manners and social skills because you’re lacking in the basics. A few snacks are ok. When you do eat with them finishing a little early is acceptable as in 45 minutes instead of an hour but you can still sit and visit with them while eating.
Also, a good rule of thumb is as a guest asking for a 2nd help is ok, 3rd and 4th are seen as gluttonous. The fishing trip was an invitation to hangout 1 on 1 with dad. You blew that by the way.” WinEquivalent4069
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, her parents seem… a wee bit weird for being so strict with the food.
Doesn’t seem very hospitable.
This would not fly in our house, we are opposite, food everywhere, all the time till you’re stuffed and sleepy. Although I gotta say 30 min for brekkie, lunch, and 1 hr for dinner seems perfectly reasonable.
I assume you didn’t start off with eating in front of the TV but after a good chunk of two weeks being starved and put on the human equivalent of a hamster wheel/lab diet… I’m willing to forgive you the jerk designation on that because it sounds like a stress response.” DDecimal
