People Are Restless To Find Out If They're At Fault In Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
17. AITJ For Getting Mad At My Mom For Inviting My Half-Brother Over For Dinner?
“I (18F) just met my half-brother (19M) for the first time 3 days ago after talking for about a month. We share the same father but have different mums. My father has never been in my life, and all I really know about him is that he has a ton of children with a ton of different women.
Just a hit-and-run type of guy.
By the time I had reached middle school, I had fully accepted the fact that I will never know my father or any of my half-siblings, and the thought rarely ever crossed my mind, that is up until about a month ago when one of my half brothers reached out to me via social media.
He told me he had been searching for me for a while, after finding out about me after contacting our father. We started talking and the conversations sort of just took off from there. He asked me if I would like to meet up for lunch sometime, and I agreed so we set up a time and place.
I let my mum know of this new door being opened in my life, and she told me that this is a journey I have to walk on my own, as it is about my dad and half-siblings and not hers.
I agreed and continued to meet my half-brother for coffee by myself. After I came home from meeting my brother, my mum asked me how it went. I told her it was good and could definitely see us becoming friends.
This is where our argument sort of began. She told me I should invite my half-brother over for dinner and to some of our family events. I told her I wasn’t going to do that because we had just met for the first time and I wanted to take things slow, as this chapter is a new thing for me and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it yet.
She said she understood and left it at that or so I thought until today, 2 hours ago, when she came home and told me that she had invited my half-brother over for dinner tomorrow night. I asked her how she found him and she told me she searched through my followers until she found him and sent a message, to which he replied and said okay.
This is where I started to get angry, yelling at her and asking why she would do that after I had just told her a few days ago that I wanted to take things slow before fully inviting him into our lives.
She just replied that she wanted to meet him, that she knew I wasn’t going to invite him so she did it herself, and that it wasn’t a big deal. I told her that his coming over for dinner might not be a big deal to her, but she wouldn’t understand what it is like for me because she has always had her dad and siblings in her life.
She got upset and started to cry, calling me a jerk for being rude, ‘using my dad as an excuse’ and that I need to stop being so selfish. I keep getting texts from my family telling me that there was no need to lash out like that and I should apologize, but I don’t feel like I am in the wrong.
To be clear, it’s not that I don’t want my half-brother to come over for dinner – I’m mad that my mum disregarded our entire conversation we had a few days previously, where I told her I didn’t want to invite him over for dinner yet because I wanted to take things slow and she went behind my back and did it anyways, even after telling me ‘this is your journey’.
So, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. 1) she disregarded your wishes 2) she invaded your privacy and 3) he isn’t related to her, he’s related to you. It’s up to you how you want to navigate the relationship with YOUR brother.
Her calling you selfish because you expressed how upset you are and why is ridiculous. It’s not like you are keeping her long-lost son from her. She seems to be more concerned about assuaging her curiosity over one of the children her ex sired with someone else than respecting your wishes.
Furthermore, what if the invite had made him uncomfortable? He sought out his sister, not his sister’s mom.” AcanthaceaeUpper2645
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Her telling you to stop being selfish is really odd when she invited him for herself & her own reasons.
‘I wanted to meet him’ is not good enough. Wanting him invited to family events? He’s not her family & your family is not his family. You’re his family & you’re building a relationship that works for you both. She has no right to interfere.
I’m in a similar situation. I know I have half-siblings out there… I’d feel weird if they’re being invited into my world by someone else rather than at my pace. Say there was a mix-up & uninvite your brother but make another plan with him.
Teach mum some boundaries.” usedtofall77
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom apparently has very, very poor boundaries and a lack of respect for your wishes or your privacy. Your intrusive mom is the one who was selfish, not you! Immediately contact your half-brother and ask him to meet you at a restaurant instead.
You can let him know that you really want to get to know him without involving your mom, who’s having a wee problem with respecting your privacy.
In fact, this is your journey. Also your life. You’re an adult now, don’t feel guilty when you don’t allow another adult to walk all over you because she wants what she wants what she wants when she wants it.
(Also, it’s time to password protect all of your devices with passwords that can’t be guessed and to make your contacts private wherever you can. And not because of hackers).” Nester1953
16. AITJ For Making My Friend Pay For Her Own Meal?
“I’m part of a sizable group chat with friends, some of whom I am very close to and some of whom are friends of friends of friends. I’ve met about 90% of the group in person at least once, but since it’s an open group there are bound to be people I haven’t seen before.
Everyone is generally very pleasant, and it’s a great way to find events.
Most of the group went to a concert together last night, which left behind a couple of stragglers who had appointments, or like me, are mildly claustrophobic and hated big crowds.
My evening was free, so I organized a small group dinner. I extended an invitation in the group chat to anyone who might be interested, specifying that I would be paying for everyone. A friend of a friend of a friend, who we’ll call ‘Nicole’, expressed immediate interest. I’ve never met her in person, but she texts a fair amount and seemed like a lively personality, so I was happy to get to know her a bit better.
My very close friend Sachi also joined us, but I was prepared for a bigger group than just the three of us.
The problem started after we got seated at the restaurant and started to order. I had a sizable budget since I was prepared for more people.
So money was not exactly at the front of my mind, I knew how much Sachi and I ate and that we couldn’t possibly go over with one extra person. I get myself an appetizer and a main course.
Fifty-five dollars. Sachi orders herself a main course and asks to steal some of my appetizers. Fine, another thirty. Then comes Nicole. She picks out the most expensive possible appetizers, main course, and desserts, and proceeds to add every single paid modification possible, alongside a couple of drinks.
Halfway through the order, I tell her to relax and that we could get more later, but she insisted that she wanted everything. I then told her that if she kept going I wouldn’t pay for it, but she literally laughed at me and told me I said I’d pay, so she was going to order what she liked. Her personal total came up above a hundred and fifty dollars.
To me, this was in bad faith and I wasn’t having it. She was taking advantage of the fact that I was treating her, and using it to eat and stock her fridge for a few days with the leftovers.
Obviously, when it came time for the bill, Nicole did not take well to the fact that I covered Sachi and not her. She told me that she wasn’t leaving until I paid her bill. I was not willing to compromise because it seemed clear to me that I was being mistreated. We waited for over an hour as she threw a fit and attempted to guilt me into paying.
Eventually, her partner texted me looking for her, so I explained the situation. He got mad and told me to just pay and take her home, but I was adamant, so I gave him the address of the restaurant, made sure he was coming, and left her there.
She is now telling everyone that I’m a liar and abandoned her in the middle of nowhere last night. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She was trying to take advantage of you. In my opinion, if someone is paying, it is good manners to let them order first and then make your meal the same price or less expensive than theirs, whenever possible.
And you literally warned her you wouldn’t pay for the amount she was spending, too. And her partner agreed to come to get her so there is no reason for you to give her a ride after she delayed you with her argument for an hour.” stiletto929
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. She most definitely was taking advantage of you. She was wrong and a complete jerk. You, on the other hand, invited her as your guest. Of course, she was ordering in bad faith, but you changed the rules halfway through dinner because you didn’t like how she was behaving.
Don’t offer to pay but then later add caveats. Learn from this: put a cap on your generosity.” Oldlady0
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and wholly crapnshe should be kicked from the grp chat, what a user, mooch, and leech. You should have gotten 2 checks, her and you and Sachis (I hope you did).
And then when she said she wasn’t leaving until you paid hers, should have said ‘good, I don’t think they would let you anyways’ and walked out the door.
This is also one of those situations where you absolutely go and correct everyone that she tells you abandoned her.
‘I didn’t abandon her, I left her at the restaurant to deal with the mess she caused because I wouldn’t allow her to use me. If you had come to that dinner and then order $150 worth of stuff just for you, I wouldn’t have paid either.
It really doesn’t matter that I said I would pay, that is just straight-up taking advantage of someone and you know you wouldn’t be ok with it either.’ She does sound like the type of person that if someone said… so OP invited you to dinner, said she would pay, you ordered $150 worth of food and then she wouldn’t pay it?!
That she would respond by saying yes.” Nymph-the-scribe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – good for you for recognizing what was going on and standing up for yourself. You even warned her what would happen and she didn’t believe you and hoped you’d cave in out of social awkwardness.
Slight YTJ only for not setting out what your budget was to this person you’d never met before since it sounds like you would have paid for her if she had not exceeded what you thought was appropriate.” Exciting_Chair_5911
15. AITJ For Not Being Grateful That My Mom's Partner Took My Car To The Mechanic?
“It’s a new ute (truck) about 18 months old and still under warranty. They borrowed it for an hour and about 5 hours later they called and said they had an issue starting it. I’d seen them this time. They didn’t mention it.
Then they called about the 5-hour mark and said oh by the way your battery died so I took it to an auto electrician (neighbor) who has replaced it. For your information. I was shocked and asked why they didn’t call and they said they wanted to get it organized for me.
When I asked how much it would cost me, they said they hadn’t asked.
The car is under warranty and would have been free to replace it tomorrow. Now we had a new battery plus a Sunday call-out fee.
I and my husband are both about to take a month of unpaid leave for Christmas. It’s not a great time. We are going away in two days. We would have just left it until we got back and had it replaced under warranty if we had been told.
Am I the jerk?
Edit: it was my mum’s partner.
I think it was done with good intentions but also relatively sexist because he wouldn’t do it to my husband. If hubby wasn’t at work he wouldn’t take it to a mechanic.
He said he thought I’d be busy with the baby.
I was in the military for 10 years as a truck driver so I am pretty switched on with changing batteries and jump-starting cars.
They are saying I am the jerk because he tried to help and even though it backfired I should be grateful.
I have tried to approach him and my mum and they shut me down saying they tried to call and I didn’t answer even though I was at their house during the day and it wasn’t mentioned. After the first ‘nonstart’.
Also when I asked how much it would cost he said he didn’t know because he didn’t ask.
Update: I took the new battery out and I’m getting the old one back. Taking it into the place we purchased from tomorrow.
Fingers crossed they can’t tell it’s been moved.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Call the ‘mechanic’ and tell them you aren’t paying for any work they do to it. Call the dealership Monday and have them tow it to them.
The ‘mechanic’ might try to keep it for non-payment. If they do, call the police and tell them that you did not authorize them to do any work to your car and that you lent it to someone who brought it there without your permission.
The ‘mechanic’ can take it up with your mom’s partner.
Threaten to press charges for theft against the ‘mechanic’ or your mom’s partner. A felony usually resolves these situations quickly and will teach the offender to. Keep his fingers out of your wallet.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you borrow something and it develops issues you ask the owner how they want to proceed with repairs, you don’t fix it yourself and spring a surprise bill on them. They might be capable of fixing it themselves, or they might have a friend who can do it cheaply, or it might be old and not worth repairing, or it might be under warranty.
Plus, how do they know for sure it was the battery? If their friend who did the replacement just swapped it out without doing any other diagnostics then you now have a surprise bill and a car that still isn’t repaired.
In addition, does doing that repair void part or all of that warranty since it wasn’t done by an approved mechanic?
They could have caused way bigger problems than just a badly timed bill.” PepperPhoenix
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
For your information, this sounds like a standard scam. They take new parts and replace them with old ones, then charge at a premium. This guy may have literally violated your warranty, for your information, and if that’s the case the only way to get it back is to have him charged if that is what he did.
Bring it back to the place where you purchased it and have them run a full diagnostic. Tell them what happened. Try to head off bad news before it affects you.” RSkritt
14. AITJ For Leaving A Fake Positive Pregnancy Test In The Bedroom?
“My MIL moved in with us a month ago.
I began to notice my stuff in the bedroom being touched. Furniture rearranged, stuff moved et cetera…
I felt like I was going crazy because my husband is the only one who has access to the bedroom and he doesn’t usually touch nor come near my things.
I figured it must be his mom walking in and snooping on my personal things. I told my husband and he said his mom would never… I had a huge hunch but couldn’t install a cam in the bedroom to catch her in the act.
So, I got myself one of those fake positive pregnancy tests and threw it in the bedroom’s trashcan. note the trashcan was placed in the corner near the closet.
Literally, the next day after I got to work, I got tons of calls and texts from my in-laws ‘congratulating’ me on my ‘pregnancy.’ My husband came over to my workplace and was all worked up about it asking since when I was pregnant, and why I didn’t tell him.
I asked how he found out and he said his mom found the positive test in the trashcan in the bedroom. I asked if his answer just confirmed that she’s been snooping in the bedroom all along. He had a ‘realization’ moment but demanded we stick to the bigger issue, I said there was no bigger issue because the positive test was fake and this whole thing was done to expose my MIL’s snooping.
he was not convinced. he had me take an actual test right in front of him and he was lividly asking how could I lie about such a thing and break his mom’s heart since I know… very well that she longs for kids.
I got a lot of crap because of this from him, his mom and family now calling me a liar and manipulator.
AITJ?
Important info: nothing gets taken or goes missing from the bedroom. Just to be clear.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ!
Your MIL is such a jerk for snooping around.
Your mama’s boy husband dismissed your concerns. You could’ve asked her if she was going into your room, but he probably would’ve gotten mad at that, too. This led you to believe you had to take drastic measures in order to have proof, ’cause otherwise, no one would back you up.
She had absolutely NO RIGHT to announce your pregnancy. Imagine it had been true, she didn’t care about hurting your feelings by stealing the opportunity to announce something so personal. She didn’t even ask you privately first to make sure your husband already knew (but of course privacy is not something she cares about, as we can see).
She’s the one violating someone’s privacy… and her feelings are hurt? She’s trying to take everyone’s attention away from the fact that she found out the wrong way, OP. DON’T let her!” Pro_crastinator451
Another User Comments:
“It’s not a lie if your MIL sniffed around and dug up false intel she was not supposed to find… had she been a normal, civil, and polite guest who respects boundaries and does not snoop around in personal business.
Honestly, the husband and his family sound like a nightmare.
The question you should ask your husband is: ‘You didn’t want to believe me when I told you your mom was snooping around in my stuff. What was the right way to prove it to you?
What was the acceptable thing to do, for all involved parties, including me?’
Because it did not only get started with your MIL violating your boundaries, it continued with your husband not believing you (more than once! he made you take a pregnancy test in front of him… why, exactly?).
And then your MIL continued violating your privacy by announcing your ‘pregnancy’ to the whole town, robbing you of the occasion of the announcement yourself. But the issue, according to everyone, is not the snooping, not the distrust, not the boundaries stomping.
It’s hiding something she wasn’t supposed to see had she been a good MIL, in a place, she shouldn’t have accessed had she been a good MIL.
Where is the lie? Where is the manipulation?
NTJ.” ChibiSailorMercury
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There are a ton of red flags here. Your MILs snooping. Your husband CLEARLY knows that she snoops and lies to you about it. Your MIL telling all of the family without talking to you. Your husband forcing you to take a pregnancy test IN FRONT OF HIM.
Then, your husband sides with his mother and openly supports her toxic behavior. None of this will resolve itself.
It’s time to file for divorce, or you’ll never have any privacy again. I’m sorry, but you need to leave before things get any worse.
If you’re not on birth control, get on it as soon as possible. Pregnancies make controlling family members even worse.
It’s time to look out for yourself. I’m sorry you’re going through this.” casschley
13. WIBTJ If I Complain To The Landlord About My Neighbor's Dog?
“I (F20) live in an apartment with three roommates.
My new roommate Gina (F24), has a service dog, a medium-sized crossbreed dog named Lulu.
Gina moved in around 2 months ago after our last roommate moved out. I don’t know how long Gina has had Lulu, but she is extremely poorly behaved and untrained, and it makes me severely doubt the authenticity of her being a service dog, not that it really matters.
Our building has a very strict no pets policy so Lulu is the only animal in the apartment.
In the 2 months that Gina has lived here, her dog has caused all kinds of problems which I’m gonna put into a list:
When Gina leaves and goes to work, Lulu barks for hours at a time non-stop, and Gina works night shifts. This has gotten us loads of complaints from our angry neighbors and I and my other roommates bear the brunt of it.
Lulu has destroyed our furniture including the couch and dining room chairs. She has also destroyed the carpet in the living room. (Bye-bye deposit).
On five different occasions, Lulu has peed or pooped on the floor in the communal area and Gina won’t clean it up for hours until she’s been prodded and asked over and over.
At one point when I wasn’t home, Gina let Lulu into my room and she chewed up my shoes and Gina refused to replace them and said it was my fault for keeping them on the floor within a dog’s reach.
I asked her why she even let Lulu into my room and she said she had a few drinks, got confused, and thought it was her room.
I and my other roommates have talked to Gina about these issues and she just acts like they’re not a problem and we’re just overreacting.
I’m considering making a complaint to the landlord about this. Although I don’t mind living with a dog, I think this is too much and it is unfair to the rest of us living here. I know service dogs are important and such but I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect your roommates to put up with an extremely badly behaved dog.
I talked to my other two roommates, and one of them agrees that we need to complain to the landlord but my other roommate thinks we should leave it because it will just rock the boat and make Gina mad and she may make everything worse on purpose.
Edit to add: so I’m not sure about the laws in the USA, but we live in the UK and here, tenants with service dogs can be evicted if their dog is causing property damage that the tenant can’t/won’t pay to fix, or being a ‘nuisance’ to other tenants or neighbors, but the landlord does need evidence of it.
I know I’m within my rights to complain to the landlord and stuff but I just wanna know if morally it would make me a jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Lulu is not a service dog. Gina is an irresponsible pet owner bypassing the no-pet rules by claiming to fall under the legal exemption.
How exactly is a service dog serviced when she leaves it ALL day? If it was an authentic service dog she would need it even at work. It would also be properly trained. Dogs that are used as service dogs are vetted for health and temperament and trained very precisely for their people’s needs.
Many pups do not pass the training.
Gina is a huge jerk and it’s pet owners like her who make it difficult for people who actually need genuine service dogs to be taken seriously. Also, I would be documenting every single piece of damage and every noise complaint.
Encourage your neighbors to call in frequently and yes… petition your landlord with your own complaints. You have a right to the peaceful, dog pee and p*********existence in your own home
Edit to add… also set a cam up in your room.
Gina has no right to trespass into your space or open the door at all or ever let the dog in. That alone should be grounds for eviction in my opinion.” Any-Blackberry-5557
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
There’s no way that’s actually a service dog.
First off, if it’s actually a service dog, why doesn’t she need said dog when she’s at work? Second, actual service dogs are supposed to go through extensive training. Barking and destroying furniture are not things actual certified trained service dogs do.
My main concern is that you didn’t know Gina before this… How is it that you got a roommate that you don’t even know? I’ve never heard of a landlord having control over who lives (when there are multiple tenants) in an apartment.
I could see them choosing their tenants, but I’ve never heard of a landlord picking a tenant’s roommates.
Your roommate is 100% in the wrong on this. You do NOT let someone disrespect you like that. Never be afraid that ‘they’ll just make it worse’.
Allowing someone to disrespect you like that is telling them that you’re okay with their behavior.” SigSauerPower320
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If someone has a disability (the nature of the disability and the services the dog provides are not indicated here) may entitle the person to a reasonable accommodation.
Reasonable. The word means something.
It is not reasonable to allow a tenant to keep a badly behaved dog, that destroys the property of the other tenants and potentially damages the premises by urinating and defecating on the floor – not to mention the owner’s lack of responsibility.
If the landlord brought Gina in you have every justification to demand that the landlord kick her out; if the roommates found her and let her move in, you should agree on kicking her out.
Otherwise, it makes sense for you, or even for all the roommates, to just leave and leave Gina with the dog, the apartment, and all the expenses that this entails.” AntelopeOld8683
12. AITJ For Lying To My Wife Because I Don't Want Her To Attend A Company Event?
“I work for a pretty pretentious company where everyone tries to kiss the boss’ butt. We have a huge holiday party every year. It is always a fancy venue, cocktail attire, and great food. When I first started working there it was something I was excited to take my wife to, but it is now something I dread.
My wife gets herself so stressed over it that she is miserable for weeks leading up to it. She agonizes over what to wear, always goes over budget, and spends the whole day on hair and makeup. Then when we get there she honestly embarrasses me (and again I feel terrible) Every year she tries so hard to befriend my boss’s wife who clearly wants nothing to do with her and literally looks at her husband like save me.
I always feel my boss is laughing at me. Then she spends the next couple of days making fun of my boss’s wife and calling her a witch which I’m terrified is going to get back to them because you know how gossip works.
It’s all very hard for me to watch
I have tried to talk to her about her behavior, but she gets defensive and nothing changes. This year I just couldn’t take it. I told her there wasn’t going to be a party, just a lunch during the work day for employees only.
My plan was to go alone and make an excuse for her. I hate lying but I felt I’d given her multiple chances to change her behavior, so what am I going to do? At this point, she is hurting my career and hurting herself mentally.
Unfortunately, she found out and is obviously furious. She feels I took away a huge night from her and is very hurt that I am embarrassed by her behavior.”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. She is hurting your career.
Full stop. Causing problems with your boss’s wife, even unintentionally, is an issue… and one you have pointed out to her, and she chose to ignore and continue with. She is a jerk for not working on fixing her behavior to NOT cause problems. However, you lied to her.
It WAS to save her feelings, sure, and I commend you for that. But, you knew that she really loved dressing up for this event.
You needed to tell her that she wasn’t coming this year BUT exchange it for a date at a very upscale restaurant instead so that she can take time to get dolled up.
Based on your story, the chance to look good and show off in front of others may be what she really wants.” maroongrad
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, of course, she puts a lot of pressure on herself and wants to befriend your boss’s wife, you just said it’s a pretentious company where everyone tries to kiss the boss’ butt.
She’s obviously tried too hard and put too much stress on herself, and it backfired. That’s unfortunate.
But you lied. Like. Duh. She’s furious. You lied. Come on, dude. What did you think would happen when she found out? You put so much thought into your plan you forgot to think about what happens after all the oceans 47 reveals, and you go home to the person you live with and lied to.
I’m not saying you should have to take her, to be clear. But you should not have lied. And I don’t know either of you, so take this with a grain of salt cuz for all I know you already did exactly what I’m about to say.
But, and I’m not placing blame on you with this question, have you ever like, laid out your exact expectations of her, for her?
Not in a controlling, this is how you will act way, that’s not what I mean.
I mean, like, just a conversation where you’re like ok so first, The Social Expectations of My Coworkers; a PowerPoint Presentation. And like, ‘at these parties typically wives do x, y, or z. These are the parameters and rules of x, y, and z.
Which one do you feel capable of?’
I’m not making excuses or trying to assign you work. I know that myself, I flounder in social situations where I don’t know ‘the rules’. If I do know the rules, I can fake it til I make it all day because anytime I hit a snag, I can check the rules.
And if I’m your spouse, I can feel good coming to you for guidance and knowing you’ll be there to help me if I start to make a misstep.
As long as you can do that for her, if you can’t or she can’t change, there will have to be a difficult conversation about how she just can’t come to the party anymore.
You will literally get fired.” Imnotawerewolf
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You for lying. Work holiday parties are working. You should have either talked to your wife about expectations of her at the party and helped her with it or talk to her that you’d rather just make an appearance for an hour or so by yourself.
Lying is what is wrong.
Your wife needs to understand that this is a work event and the expectations are usually different than family events.
Boss’s wife for not realizing that she, especially as the spouse of the person in charge needs to be better at dealing with certain people and situations and doesn’t need to be saved. A few thought-out lines and she can interact with people and move on.” travelkmac
11. AITJ For Being Mad When My Son Wouldn't Dance With Me?
“This all started when my son Ben graduated high school. There was a formal dance. I was very excited about the mother-son dance. Every time I brought it up, Ben would say he wasn’t going to dance.
I didn’t take him seriously. I thought he was just being shy.
When we got to the formal, everything was beautiful. But when it came time for the formal dances, he was nowhere to be seen. I approached my older daughter, Alice, and my husband, who I could see were talking and laughing.
I asked if they’d seen Ben, and they laughed and said he was going to go hide so he didn’t have to dance. I was absolutely heartbroken. My son was literally hiding from me! I stood in the corner during the mother-son dance, watching all his friends dance with their moms. I couldn’t take it, so I told my husband and daughter that I was walking home.
When they got home, Ben walked right past me and went to his room to get ready for the after-party. My daughter hugged me and went to get ready because she was driving Ben to the party. After our children left, my husband and I had an argument about what happened. He said he was appalled at my behavior, and that I was acting like a child.
I said that the least Ben could have done was dance with his mother. He said that today was supposed to be about him and his accomplishment, not me. But in my opinion, today should have also been about celebrating the people who helped him get to where he is now.
Things got quite heated, and before going inside, my husband said that he wasn’t going to force his son to do something he didn’t want to do on his day.
I was taken aback by this, so I just stayed on the porch trying not to cry.
I thought my husband would support me. Later, my daughter returns home and sees me crying. She gives me a hug and gave me a chocolate bar to try to cheer me up. If no one else, my daughter would be on my side.
She danced with me at her graduation. She danced with her father. She understood how important this day was for me. I asked if she was on my side. She said something along the lines of ‘I know you’re upset, but I don’t know what you expected from him’.
It took a few days before we really spoke to each other again, and after a few weeks, everything went back to normal.
Coming back to the present, my daughter recently got engaged. We were talking about it on a family facetime, and the topic of when Ben will get married came up.
He said he was never going to get married because he doesn’t want to deal with another round of dance drama. When I asked him to clarify, he said that he was obviously referring to his graduation.
I was appalled at this attack.
He won’t get married because of me? I won’t lie, I am upset that he still does not want to dance with me, even at his own wedding. Now my husband is mad at me, my son refuses to answer my calls or texts.
AITJ for making a scene and starting an argument because my son never wants to dance with me?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Plenty of people don’t like dancing. Even among those who do, many consider it odd to do with their parents.
If this is how you act with your son I’ll be surprised if he maintains any kind of relationship with you as you get older since you can’t respect his physical boundaries of not wanting to dance with you without making a scene.
The fact that he’d even allude to not getting married to avoid this is a HUGE indicator of how off-the-wall your behavior is. This alone makes me think it’s far, far worse than what you’ve written here.
If you actually want any kind of relationship with your son, take this as a wake-up call.
Apologize SINCERELY and reflect on how you can treat your son with respect. Otherwise, don’t be surprised if he never responds to your texts again.” TenguMeringue
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Your son told you he didn’t want to dance. You chose not to believe him.
Your son did what he said he would and you made HIS milestone about you. Graduations aren’t about the parents. It is about the kids. Yes, you helped him grow and become the man he is becoming. That’s what you’re supposed to do as a parent.
He can show his appreciation when and how he sees fit. Demanding a dance because other moms are getting one is simply you demanding your ego take priority over an event that is literally about HIm accomplishing the goal of graduating.
He didn’t attack you when he said he didn’t want more dance drama. He called you out on your bad behavior. It’s understandable he wouldn’t be comfortable with any pomp and circumstance around you right now. If he wants to he may still get married, however, you absolutely have shown him who you are and that may not be someone he wants on another important day in his life.” DinahTook
Another User Comments:
“Like pretty much every activity, consent and boundaries are important to actively listen to and respect.
Your son put up a boundary with you that you weren’t interested in respecting.
Your son enforced his boundary with you by not engaging in the activity with you, as he may have recognized that you did not intend to respect his boundary.
You exhibited frustration, anger, and resentment that you could not force your son to ignore his own boundary because it was an experience you wanted to have with him, despite his lack of interest. Even if it is to honor your relationship, you aren’t honoring his autonomy, consent, and boundaries.
Your son recognized that you still do not respect and honor his autonomy, consent, and boundaries; and he no longer would like to put himself in a position to experience your pressure and emotional reactivity.
And yet, you are still not paying attention to all of the above, and you’re still mad he doesn’t want to dance with you?
YTJ.” babesdoitbetter
10. AITJ For Wanting My Roommate To Take Better Care Of Her Cat?
“I (21f) have been renting a room from my roommate (I think 30f) since September. She’s mostly okay, she is picky about cleaning but I really love her cat, Otto. Lately, I’ve noticed she doesn’t really take good care of him and it’s started bothering me because he’s a really great cat and he deserves better
SOME of the things that bother me:
She switches his food around CONSTANTLY. She always buys 5 or 6 brands, all different types, and ‘rotates’ them. She claims it’s for ‘nutritional variety’ and then doesn’t care that doing that could upset his tummy.
It’s not even all good food. She gets him this cheap tuna with cheese kind sometimes even though it’s terrible for him.
I suggested getting him a new tower since the one he has is super tall and he’s getting older now so it will be harder for him soon and she just rolled her eyes at me because she doesn’t care at all.
He has some cat acne from his fountain and she hasn’t replaced it with a steel one to clear it up. She only washes it every other day too. Sometimes LESS.
She takes him OUTSIDE. Not even on a leash.
She just puts him on her shoulders and goes for walks. I’ve told her over and OVER how dangerous it is but she blows me off and says it’s never been a problem. I tried to get him a stroller but she told me that she would never walk around with a cat stroller and I was being ridiculous.
She was sick and missed his annual checkup and forgot to reschedule. She LAUGHED when she remembered and made a new appointment. Like it was funny that he went 2 MONTHS WITHOUT MEDICAL TREATMENT.
She treats me like a little kid when I try to explain these things to her and I’m really getting annoyed because I know I’m right but she suggested that if I can’t accept how she cares for Otto then maybe I should start looking for a new place after winter break.
I told my friend I was thinking of smuggling Otto out and she freaked out and called me a bunch of names and told my roommate who took Otto to her partner’s house and told me I’ll have to move out in January.
So now I can’t even see him and I don’t have anywhere to live soon and I was only trying to do the right thing for my cat friend.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Switching cat food around and giving them variety is suggested by cat care experts.
If he’s not having trouble with the tower, it can stay. Just because it may or may not become an issue as he ages don’t mean it needs to go right this second.
Washing the water bowl/fountain every other day is just fine.
That’s more than adequate enough to help clear up cat acne. Sometimes it just takes a bit for it to clear up.
She’s not shoving him out the door, she’s taking him on supervised visits outside. Could it be safer?
Sure. But she knows her cat well enough to know that he’s okay like this for now.
Going without an annual checkup is not going ‘TWO MONTHS WITHOUT MEDICAL TREATMENT.’ It’s two months of oh I forgot to renew your rabies shot and have the vet check out your teeth (provided there are no underlying medical issues that are being treated in the meantime).
YOU were the one that suggested finding a new place to stay and she just called you on your bluff, and you also suggested STEALING HER CAT. Gosh.” Leah-theRed
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
It sounds like you really love this cat, it’s great he has you as a ‘cat aunt’ but it sounds like you are obsessing and nitpicking over every little thing which could cause your roommate to tune you out when there are bigger issues.
You freaked her out.
She’s not mistreating Otto.
With the food – maybe some of the foods aren’t the best – but maybe this is because your roommate can’t always afford ‘the good stuff’. Cat food prices have gone way up over the past 2 years, so her ‘variety’ may partially be to offset the high-quality food.
Basically like having a Mcdonald’s day every now and again, she may not like telling you ‘I can’t afford to feed him #1 food every day’. This could also be why she hasn’t bought a stainless steel fountain. Also with the fountains you really don’t have to clean those every day – they have filters, just keep the water filled, clean it every week, and change the filter every couple of weeks.
Also, cat furniture & scratchers are expensive.
Her cat is happily riding on her shoulders on their walks. Would I do that? No, but it seems to be working for them.
With the doctor’s appointment – if the cat is sickly and needs follow-ups constantly – then sure ‘oh did you ever get Otto the last appointment from when you were sick’?
is perfectly reasonable – she acknowledged she forgot and rescheduled but it sounds like you went off on her about it. Sometimes people laugh when they’re embarrassed.
I’m sure when you have a cat of your own that kitty will have an amazing life with everything a cat could ever want – but that doesn’t mean your roommate doesn’t love Otto, and from all accounts, Otto sounds pretty happy.
If you hadn’t of been so obsessed about how YOU thought Otto should live he’d still be there, and you, the roommate & Otto would be happily living together.” CarrieCat62
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Rotational feeding is great for dogs and cats.
Wild cats do not eat the same meal daily. Also sometimes you find out certain things about brands that make you switch cold turkey.
Regarding the cat tree, unless Otto is showing signs of being unable to climb the tree or jump around there is no reason to take away that enrichment.
Once that time comes when a cat tree needs to be changed for his medical needs it can easily be done.
Vet visits- girl do you know how hard it has been to get an appointment after the big C?!?
Many practices changed their procedures and stick with that route even after the okay to return to ‘normalcy’. Unless Otto is actively in pain, bleeding, or not eating his appointment could wait (which is WHY the clinic scheduled it where they had normal availability).
Honestly, your soon-to-be ex-roommate was in the right to keep Otto out of the house. Apologize, move out without causing any issues, and work on yourself and why you have an obsession over a cat who is well taken care of and loved.” leavethebeesalone
9. AITJ For Telling The Whole Family That My Brother Is Getting Married?
“I am one of 6 kids but this post is about my younger brother (40).
I have 4 kids (20f, 18f, 15f, and 10m). My brother has 5 (16f, 15m, 12f, 3f, 4mo f). We don’t get together often because my girls and his oldest don’t get along and because we’re a 4 hour’s plane ride from each other.
My son’s birthday is around Thanksgiving. We’re always with my family on thanksgiving and we always have a big family party for his birthday.
My brother is a busy person (owns a large company) so I was asking him what day he’d be available for the party.
He wasn’t available any day, which I thought was weird considering he always tries to meet with me/the rest of our family around Thanksgiving.
Then I got a text from a mutual friend asking what I was wearing to my brother’s wedding and if I had any ideas for a gift since she couldn’t find a registry.
I asked her what she was talking about and my friend told me that he was getting married. I didn’t even know he was engaged. He told us last year that he was in a relationship and they had just had a child together but nothing about getting married.
After some digging, I found out that the wedding would be on my son’s birthday and only 2 of our siblings/their kids are invited.
I thought this was incredibly rude of him so I decided to tell the entire family at thanksgiving that he was getting married, when, and where.
Some family members made an appearance at his wedding and he found out I was the one who told them about it. He called me the next day screaming at me for “ruining his wedding” and then blocked me on everything.
I’m starting to feel bad so I wanted to know if I was the jerk.
Edit: First of all, my brother didn’t want a small wedding. There were at least 300-400 people at the wedding. Second, the wedding was not on thanksgiving.
It was on my son’s birthday, which is very close to thanksgiving.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, it sounds like your brother has gone low contact (now no contact) with you and other members of your family, and in any case is not obligated to invite you or anyone else to his wedding.
More to the point absolutely no one is required to schedule their wedding around your son’s birthday party. It would be one thing if you shared the info with your family out of curiosity, but you clearly state you found his entirely not rude behavior to be rude and spitefully shared all his wedding info, clearly to have your people crash it, which they then did.” popenoper
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
So he’s getting married and didn’t tell you.
You don’t handle that by telling all the family without his agreement, you handle that by calling and telling him you heard he was getting married.
You don’t know why you and the other 4 siblings were left out and you didn’t even care to ask.
You just went straight to retribution.
For all you know, he might have wanted to have a small event or had limitations on finances/or the number of guests. He might have been planning to tell you but you beat him to the punch.” whatisthismuppetry
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, this was none of your business and you did it out of spite. You said you found out the details after doing ‘some digging’ but he didn’t tell you on purpose. He also didn’t tell the rest of the family on purpose and you took it upon yourself to GOSSIP.
Yes, that’s what it was and you said you thought it was RUDE? He can get married any day he wants. You are not entitled to claim every thanksgiving family gathering to be your own celebration if people want to join your celebration that’s wonderful but you are not entitled to it.
What you did was awful.” Jmm1272
8. AITJ For Telling My Parents About How I Felt When They Missed My Performance?
“I’m in the marching band at college and spin in color guard. It’s my last year doing it and a couple of days ago was the last football game and performance my parents could see of me, ever.
They couldn’t come because my dad was sick and my mom didn’t get off work till 30 minutes before kick-off (I only wanted them there for halftime). Now I understand why they couldn’t go, but my mom could have made the effort and made it there for at least halftime, or they could have gone to any of the other home games this season (there were 6 in total).
All I’ve asked is for at least one football game a year. I knew from having this argument before in high school I was not going to get more than that.
So, I was really upset, a lot of my other family I don’t talk to because they’re super toxic so all I really have for a close family are my parents and my brother, no one went to this past game or really has gone all season.
I’ve felt super alone all year and got to see all the other color guard members go with their families, who were commuting way farther than my parents and made it to multiple games. My parents texted me apologies and I didn’t really respond bc I didn’t want to say something stupid, so I waited until today to respond.
I said ‘I’ve been trying to think about what to say, and thank y’all for apologizing but to feel better about it’s gonna take time (my brother’s) in even more crap because he didn’t show and was at some apartment then a nice restaurant’.
My mom then asked why because she wanted to understand and I tried to explain why it was upsetting and why it meant more for them to come in person to the game rather than just watch it on video.
She didn’t get it. I brought up how other people’s families made more of an effort than they did, and she said I obviously want new parents since they are so terrible. She says that they’re good parents because they’ve made sacrifices.
I have not had a good childhood due to family members and I made sacrifices for my parents and told my mom that making sacrifices is what a parent does. I listed the sacrifices I’ve made and she called me dramatic.
Throughout this, she has also been super passive-aggressive. We keep going back and forth and at some point, she says she’s going to bed.
I text my dad saying that ‘I won’t be asking for anything if it’s is such a burden to support me I’m sorry that I wanted y’all to come to just one game this season and that is such a problem I’ll be sure if there’s anything similar in the future I won’t make it yalls problem’.
I guess through that text I made him cry, which made my mom mad and asked why, like they haven’t been making me cry the past couple of days She keeps saying that I don’t see their side, but I do, that’s why I sent that first text and wanted to leave it their but no, she wanted to know more and didn’t like my answer.
She now says that I made her feel like a piece of work, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Relationships go both ways. They can’t expect a relationship with you if they refuse to be involved in big moments.
This was important to you.
They had six chances to meet the very low bar, and they not only failed but then tried to make it your fault.
They’re going to wonder why they aren’t invited to your graduation, wedding, meet grandkids, etc (if you choose to do those things).
They have only themselves to blame.
As a parent to a toddler, I can tell you that I do not care nearly as much as my kid does about the stuff he’s into. But I care about him. So you better believe I’m very involved in playing the games he likes, getting the toys he’ll enjoy, and celebrating his achievements in those areas.
Whether he plays sports, dances, marches in a band, and/or is the lead vocalist of a scream death metal band (etc.), I will support him and celebrate his accomplishments with him.” squishpitcher
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I’m sorry OP that your family just couldn’t or wouldn’t see how important and how much it meant to you to have them there, in person, just once a season.
It wasn’t too much to ask, in my opinion. They’ve known how much being chosen for Color Guard and how hard you worked at it meant to you from high school through college. Being sick and off work too late are legitimate reasons not to attend the last performance and I don’t know about the other excuses they’ve used but it’s too late to make it up to you now and I’m sorry to say that you’ll remember it always.
Maybe your family should think about how they would feel if you were too busy for a special birthday or anniversary. Only a comparison, I’m not suggesting it.
You don’t say if you’ll be graduating this year or if you have more school but soon there’ll be a whole new world out there for you.
Reach for it and don’t let whether your family is supportive or not keep you from reaching your goals. Do it for yourself.” FordWarrier
Another User Comments:
“So, NTJ for wanting your parents there and for telling them about how you feel about them missing your performance.
That’s understandable, that’s human. Kinda the jerk for complaining about your childhood to them and the sacrifices you’ve made and your text to your Dad, who was sick at the time.
‘I made sacrifices for my parents and told mom that making sacrifices is what a parent does.’
It is highly unlikely that your sacrifices are anywhere near the same level of sacrifice that your parents have made, many of which you probably don’t even know about. And sacrifices for one’s children are what a GOOD parent does, it’s not a given, and dismissing or reducing them on account of it being what a parent ‘should do’ is ungrateful and somewhat childish.
You’re in a marching band in college, you didn’t get there by yourself and you certainly wouldn’t be there if they didn’t put time, effort, and support into raising you.
I don’t approve of your mother’s passive-aggressive attitude but some people are that way.
As for your text to your Dad, yeah, that slides you toward YTJ territory. It’s petulant and the fact that it made a grown man cry shows it somewhat cruel and I think you know that or are oblivious to how important you are to your father, something you should appreciate but many young people don’t.
Until you’re a parent yourself, it’s hard to put yourself in their shoes. You basically told him that you were prepared to cut him out of your life for being sick and not showing up to your performance.
I would try to speak to your father and (without being confrontational) tell him how important your performances are, that you still need his attention and support, and that it hurts when you can’t get at least one show per year.
Families shouldn’t stay mad at each other, those are your people.” Sealchoker
7. AITJ For Somehow Ruining My Best Friend's Relationship?
“I (21f) and my best friend (21m) we will call him ‘B,’ had been best friends since we were born, growing up right across the street from each other.
When I say best friends, we were together every single day from grade school through high school.
Last February (2021) B met a girl where he lives named E (19f) and they began being together, B moved 3 hours away after high school but we still saw each other frequently.
He wanted me to meet her, so he brought her to our hometown to hang out. She and I got along so well, and for about 2 months we all remained close, I considered her one of my best friends.
She and B had an argument, and B reached out to me via text to vent.
I do not like to be involved in any way, but he is my best friend and it is my job to be a shoulder to lean on. He didn’t say much, and in my responses to him, I sort of defended E as this situation I understood her side more.
There were maybe 6 exchanged text totals and they were fine not even 20 min later. Or so I thought…
Fast forward to Easter, E goes through his phone and looks at our texts. I had not known this until asking why she began to ghost me for a week.
She broke up with B and blamed him, venting to me as ‘being a part of their relationship’ even though B is the one who came to me and told B she felt as if he listened to my advice more seriously than hers.
So as you can already see where this is going, it was a ‘her or me’ type of deal from E. She told B she would not give him another chance until I talked to her and apologized for ‘being a part of their relationship.’ B begged that I do this for him despite him admittedly knowing she was in the wrong.
I did it only because I knew how much it meant to him, not that I felt like I did anything wrong. She never responded, she didn’t get back to him like she said, she instead tormented him and emotionally mistreated him, and said extremely disgusting things about me.
B even caught her back with her (said to be abusive) ex. At this point, B was in pain so I sent an additional text telling her to grow up. This made things harder for B as she immediately blocked his # and he decided to blame losing her on me, in which I sent a final text to him as well telling him how I feel about him throwing me into this situation and how hurt I was.
He never responded and it has been 7 months since we have spoken.
I thought I did everything I could for him despite the situation he dragged me into and how badly E treated me, and how he let her do so.
AITJ for sending her that final text and causing this? I am so hurt that I feel I should have let them continue to treat me poorly so I didn’t lose his friendship permanently. I feel I am grieving the loss of someone who is still alive.
Disclaimer: I have my own partner (23) of 8 years, this is NOT a situation where the girl best friend deep down wants the guy.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
RED FLAGS: People who believe that their partner should NEVER be allowed to discuss anything about their relationship with their closest friends (ask for advice, vent, etc) are not healthy people.
That’s how people keep their partners silent. Yes, not everything should be shared, but there is nothing wrong with asking your best friend for advice.
Your friend asked you to answer – and from your account, you even took the girl’s side over your best friend’s (so you were not being biased or unfair towards her).
You did nothing wrong.” Suspicious_Lemon9960
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. So hindsight we know no matter what, if you are friends with both parties you cannot be part of their relationship disputes.
Clearly, your friend dodged a bullet with this girl since by going with what you’re saying, she seems unstable.
Your best friend was clearly in the wrong for putting you in the middle and honestly, I think texting your friend vs having the conversation over voice chat/phone was a bad choice. The tone is usually read negatively when negative things are happening.
Honestly, if your friend is willing to throw your friendship away over this, then take the time to grieve. If it was me, I’d try calling and if they don’t answer I’d leave a message letting them know I miss their friendship, and if there’s any way to repair it my door would always be open.
That way you did all you could. And by calling and leaving a message, he can then hear your tone so there are no misgivings of intent.” Cynnabelle
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He will regret this. But he is in an abusive situation and cannot see the forest for the trees.
When he is finally (hopefully) rid of her, he will get back into contact with you- and at that point, you can decide whether or not to continue a relationship. One of the first things that people do is isolate you from people you are close with so they can’t stand up for you or get you to stand up for yourself.
This is no doubt what is happening. I’m so sorry you are going through this. It is really tough, but try not to take it too personally. I would be surprised if he had any close friends after his time with her, to be honest.” Rough-Bet807
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think you are entirely the jerk, but I think she isn’t either. Reading between the lines here she felt jealous. They fought and the first person he went to was you. He convinced you to do something you didn’t want to do.
Honestly, I think either he has or had feelings for you that made her insecure which would explain why he 180° flipped on you after helping by doing what he asked.
That being said while I would never expect my partner to go snooping through my phone, I would also never message something that I feel would make him upset if he saw it which is another point against him.
Badmouthing your partner to your best friend is a jerk move especially if they are the gender you are attracted to.
It sucks, but I would say everyone sucks here. Her and you more softly than him. You for participating and telling her to grow up when you don’t know the situation.
Her for harassing you, but your partner for the listed reasons.” Polarpunk99
6. AITJ For Not Visiting My In-Laws After They Threw Me A Birthday Party?
“I grew up in a very busy house, I was the third out of seven children.
My mother always struggled with mental health issues and my dad worked long hours, because of the role they put on my shoulders I wasn’t close to my siblings and even now I have no urge to connect to them.
Ignoring all that this is mostly about birthdays; I celebrated my birthday until I was 7, with my grandparents, but on my 7th birthday we went swimming; I couldn’t swim and had a traumatic experience – after that my mother refused to celebrate claiming it was traumatic for her, all my other siblings got to celebrate but over time I’ve gotten used to it.
And I’m being 100% genuine about that; I have no urge to celebrate my birthday, it’s another day to me.
A few years ago I went low contact with my siblings/dad and had no contact with my mother because she wasn’t supportive of my pregnancy, I was 17 which is a year older than she was when she had my eldest sibling.
My in-laws decided to throw a birthday party for me, I told them I didn’t want to (they know I’m low contact/no contact but I haven’t explained why) I sucked it up, and they told me it’d be good for my daughter and it’s my 21st.
Well, my mother shows up, causes a scene yells at me that I’m a bully for not inviting her, and makes my daughter cry so I and my partner left.
MIL apologized and said she didn’t invite her, SIL did.
Now here’s where I might be the jerk: I told her I don’t care who invited my mother, I was pressured into going and I just don’t care I’m over it I now just wanna spend Christmas with my immediate family.
MIL started crying and said I’m the jerk because she just wanted to do something nice, my partner is on my side but said it’d be nice if we went because it wasn’t actually her fault.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – this is your MIL’s fault because she made your birthday about her. She didn’t do what you wanted to do, she did what she wanted you to have and SIL jumped on the bandwagon with her mother and decided you needed your mother at your party.
Neither of them gave a crap about what you wanted. They felt you needed to have what they wanted. This wasn’t for you, it was for them.
You and your husband and your daughter are your own little family unit.
You need to do what is good for your family unit. MIL and everyone else is extended family. Your needs come before everyone else’s desires.
I would suggest the following. First, your husband needs to set both MIL and SIL straight on they overstepped and created a traumatic event for you when you didn’t want it to be with.
This is in MIL and SIL, and you can’t tell me that MIL didn’t know your other was coming. BS on that. SIL at have been the one to actually invite your mother, but MIL knew about it and decided to throw SIL under the bus when it all blew up.
Your husband needs to say this to them and make it clear that they were irresponsible and selfish and they both owe you a huge apology. And it’s an apology for their bad conduct, not your hurt feelings. And there are consequences for their bad behavior, the consequences are that you, your hubby, and your daughter are spending Christmas at home with your own little family unit.
That you and your daughter have been traumatized enough by them and you are spending a quiet Christmas at home. MIL and SIL need to reflect on their bad behavior and their assuming that they do what is best for someone else.
They don’t and they proved it with the birthday party fiasco.
Actions have consequences. Hopefully, they can learn from this.
Your husband has to deliver this message and be polite, but firm with them on what they did wrong and what the consequences are for their actions.
No negotiating.
Hope this helps.” Buttercup303
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here to varying degrees.
SIL is the biggest jerk. Knowing somebody is in no contact/low contact and then violating that boundary as a surprise is never okay. Plus she didn’t apologize.
Remain having no contact with SIL – she was actively trying to set you up.
MIL is less so. She knew you didn’t want a party, but didn’t understand how much trauma you have in your background around birthdays. She didn’t invite your mom and agreed that was inappropriate.
She has apologized, but I don’t like how she swung it back on you the moment you said you still weren’t ok.
As for you, I understand why you feel violated by in-laws, but a gesture of understanding and good faith towards MIL might be appropriate since this doesn’t seem like it was her fault.
Maybe you don’t attend Christmas but still, reach out to her with some kind words? Because right now it seems like you’re blaming her for something SIL did, which is a slight bit jerkish. But make no mistake, you are the broader victim here.
Mom is obviously a massive jerk, to the point where this doesn’t even need acknowledging.” imothro
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it actually wasn’t nice, it was a self-serving thing that she set up a party that you specifically said you did not want.
You’re allowed to say that you no longer want to spend Christmas with people who don’t respect your boundaries.
And honestly, it sounds like you need to have a fight with your partner because your partner is not actually on your side if he’s also playing the game of ‘you should be nice to my mom and it wasn’t her fault that your mom was there’.
There shouldn’t have been a party in the first place. His mom wasn’t being nice by trying to seek praise at your expense and directly against your words.” JCBashBash
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your MIL’s heart was in the right place.
She really wanted to do something nice for you on a milestone birthday and she didn’t know your past history. With that said, after you politely declined a party she should have respected your decision and not continued to push the issue and essentially guilt you into it.
Your SIL is a jerk for inviting your mother.
You really could benefit from some therapy to help process your past childhood trauma. Your MIL sounds like she could be a great person to have in your child’s life and she seems to really care for you.
See if there is a middle ground. You don’t want birthday parties but would it be ok for her to take you out to dinner for your birthday? Just look for a way that she can express her love for you in a way that makes you comfortable and makes her feel appreciated.” Life_Is_Good199
5. AITJ For Asking My Husband Not To Invite People I Don't Know To My Birthday Party?
“So for my thirtieth, I wanted a party. Nothing huge, and family-friendly since I have kids. I made a list and before I knew it I had 60 people on it!
Which is like, a LOT considering our small home. So it was gonna be somewhat of an outdoor party. My husband thought I was making a big deal out of my party since I undertook all the planning and was excited about it.
He didn’t offer to help but wasn’t against it.
He wanted to invite people he knew that I didn’t. That felt weird to me so I said I would rather he didn’t. Already I had invited so many people and that would mean a lot of cupcakes I would have to make.
Not to mention that I felt like my attention would be limited to interactions with new people.
He insisted a bit that I would like them, but I finally just said I’d like to get to know them in a different setting, not my thirtieth bday party.
He sulked a bit.
He mentioned to his parents that I didn’t let him invite people, so he definitely had a chip on his shoulder. And today, weeks later, he brings it up again to highlight my ‘controlling nature,’ telling me he has discussed the matter with people who are qualified in counseling, and that those conversations were eye-opening.
He didn’t say more because he was going off on a tangent and I told him I didn’t want to hear anymore.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, in this exact situation because the birthday is about you and presumably he knows your friends and family.
There are also other settings where you can meet up with his friends and invite them to your home. but… It could also be said that the way he went about it (go to mother, go to friends, mentioning how you are being manipulative…) is in itself quite well manipulative…
I am not saying he is but the irony is not lost on me. However, this would probably be not just his only justification/example of what he sees as controlling behavior on your part I imagine. Could there be something there?
In any case, I think you may have bigger problems in your relationship than just your birthday.” Whatever-and-breathe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Birthday celebrations are generally about the person whose birthday it is. Wanting to be comfortable at your own party and not wanting to entertain people you didn’t know is reasonable, not controlling.
It’s very strange that he’s not only insisted he invite people you don’t know to your birthday party but that he’s upset over it at all, let alone as upset as he is for as long as he is.
Who did he want to invite so badly and why? If this were my husband, I’d be concerned.” magicalseer
Another User Comments:
“I can understand him being upset that he can’t invite his friends that you don’t know. What I don’t understand is why he felt the need to run and tattle on you to his parents like y’all are children fighting over the last cookie.
It’s YOUR BIRTHDAY AND PARTY he has no say over anything that you have planned for it. You don’t want people you don’t know at an important birthday party, cause you said it’s your 30th, so why can’t he act like an adult and respect that?
NTJ, you should make a special cupcake just for him since he wants to act like a child over what’s supposed to be your bday. Doesn’t have to be something horrible, just maybe make one cupcake in his least favorite flavors, or make it spicy.” Folkboi6669
4. AITJ For Not Selling My Late Husband's Land To His Family?
“I (40F) was with my wonderful husband Chet for 14 years before he died unexpectedly last year. His family owned some 1500 acres of land, split between his father and aunt. Before we met, Chet knew he would not live in that area after his parents died but wanted a vacation home there so he bought and took ownership of 125 acres from his father with his aunt’s approval. That way he would have something and his cousins could do with the rest of the land as they wanted. He built his house there and we lived there while we were together.
We weren’t legally married but were considered common law by our state and he always took great care of me. He had a son from his previous relationship and he was more or less estranged due to his son stealing great sums of money from my mother-in-law.
When she was still alive his family treated me well and like I belonged. After her death, his aunt and to a degree his father shifted their stance a bit. Since we weren’t married they definitely made it clear I wasn’t held in the same regard as his cousins’ spouses.
During a discussion about what would happen with Chet’s land and the estate he’d inherit from his father if he disowned his son, his aunt, and dad pretty much agreed that while I’m wonderful, he should have seriously considered the fact I didn’t want children before getting into a relationship with me.
After that Chet didn’t speak with his dad for about a year. We did discuss how he missed his dad and I told him he should continue having a relationship with his dad if he wanted – he stood up for me when it mattered. While he did have a relationship with them again, he changed his life insurance through his employer so that I’d be the sole beneficiary and asked that I give a portion of it to his son so he didn’t get left with nothing.
He also updated his will, had a no-contest clause added, and left his land, house, and a couple of other things to me, and the rest to his surviving family members. He did tell his family about this.
When he passed away, everything transferred as he planned. I tried to continue living in our home but between memories and his family not really interacting with me anymore, I wanted to move back closer to my family.
I sold the house and land to one of Chet’s former coworkers and his family and left. When his family found out they were upset and insisted I should have given them the chance to buy it first since their family had owned it first. I’ve tried talking to my family about it since I moved back and I’m getting mixed reactions.
I know it’s too late to do anything aside from possibly giving a portion of the sale to them. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to go with ‘no jerks here.’
In theory – I don’t disagree with his family.
It would have been nice if you gave them the first opportunity to buy the land back, as they may have wanted to take it back. And assuming they were willing to pay fair market value, that would be the logical thing to do.
So, I also think it’s fair they are upset/annoyed about it – as long as it stops there. (of course, if they are harassing/bothering you about it beyond that – that would be different).
But at the same time, I’m not going to call you the jerk as it just doesn’t sound like something that crossed your mind.
There was no malice, nor ill intent. You just never considered that.
People are allowed to be upset over something – without being the jerk. So again, as long as there is no escalation outside of being upset, I think there are no jerks at all here.
‘I know it’s too late to do anything aside from possibly giving a portion of the sale to them’
Absolutely do NOT do this. This should not have been about money. But rather, them wanting to keep the property in the family.
If they were pushing you for money, that would absolutely change them into being the jerk.” SDstartingOut
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: your husband updated his life insurance and his will so that everything would transfer to you. I’m going to presume there was never a conversation between you and him regarding the inheritance if you didn’t want to remain on the land after his passing.
If he wanted the land to go back to them, I’m sure he would have said something to you when he made all these changes. He wanted to be sure you were provided for and it sounds like he really thought through it all so I don’t think he would have assumed you would know to offer to sell them the land back if you decided to not stay.
He would have made sure to talk to you about that so I’m thinking he didn’t really care if the land stayed in the family or not. So, if he didn’t care, you shouldn’t either!
You had plenty of other things on your mind and maybe had they truly treated you with an ounce of respect after his passing, they would have known you weren’t happy there and wanted to sell and could have offered you fair market value and gotten the land they seem to desperately want.
DO NOT give them any money. Your husband was ensuring you would be taken care of after his passing so it’s yours! Sorry for your loss OP and best wishes on this new journey!” Blueeyedmomof3
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, just because it didn’t occur to you and you feel bad now.
Offering it to them first would have been a considerate thing to do, but sometimes it just slips our minds. It would be different if you knew they wanted it and you refused to sell to them, or if they knew you were selling and expected you to just give it to them.
It just seems like an unfortunate set of circumstances that it didn’t occur to you and they also didn’t notice you were selling. Everyone says that you can legally do what you want is missing the point of this whole sub.
Giving them a portion of the sale shouldn’t help, and won’t change anything since they really just wanted to keep it in the family. You can apologize to them for not realizing they wanted it and tell the buyer a bit of the circumstance so that maybe they’ll try to work something out with your late husband’s family or go to them first if they ever want to sell.” FiveSuitSamus
3. AITJ For Not Wanting To Attend My Sister's Wedding Because Of My Insomnia?
“My sister (let’s call her Hanna) isn’t speaking to me right now because I RSVP’d No to her wedding in January. My mom wants me to change my RSVP but honestly, the wedding isn’t going to be possible for me to attend, and based on how my sister is acting I don’t want to go anymore.
Ever since I hit puberty I’ve had really really (really really really) bad insomnia. I usually go to bed around 6 am, or 7 am, and wake up around 1 pm, or 2 pm. I’ve tried to change my sleep style and I just can’t, it’s like dealing with international jet lag.
Hanna knows this, but always ‘forgets’ and tries to wake me up for family things whenever she visits home and I have to lock my bedroom door and really work to keep her out.
When I got the invitation to Hanna’s wedding I was super excited for her, because she has always wanted a big wedding, and it looks like she is going to get it, and that might not be what I want/would want, but she does and that is exciting, and I can acknowledge that.
But then I saw the timeline and there’s a wedding brunch at 10 am, the ceremony is at noon, and then there’s an afternoon party. I asked Hanna if I could just come to the afternoon party (since I will be sleeping at 10 am) and she got furious and started yelling over the phone about how since I’m her sister, I need to be there for the ceremony.
I laughed and told her there was no way I could be there on time because it would basically be like trying to get someone on a 9-5 work schedule to attend an event at 2 am. I probably shouldn’t have laughed but it just felt so ridiculous.
If she wanted me to be there for the whole thing, she needed to plan for a time when I could actually attend. I work a full-time job as a freelancer, just not normal hours because of my insomnia, so it really bugs me when people act like my time is worth less than theirs.
But now wedding preparations are happening at the house (the brunch is going to be here) and my mom is really upset with me for not coming to the wedding. She wants me to apologize to Hanna and be one of her bridesmaids.
Hanna isn’t speaking to me at all but she is speaking to our mom so maybe that is what she also wants, but I just feel like she owes me the apology, not the other way around. But I might be wrong because this is the first big fancy wedding in our family and maybe I need to******* up because it’s a tradition to have a morning breakfast or something.
AITJ?
EDIT: I will apologize to Hanna and ask if I can still attend the wedding. I think it is probably best if I’m not a bridesmaid but I can still put on a dress and show up even if I am tired. I am realizing that I need to get a second opinion that isn’t our family doctor because she is actually kind of dismissive about my sleep issues and I used to like that because she made my mom calm down and she supported me with a doctors note for online high school but I thought about high ***** pressure and delayed sleep phase disorder and I want to talk to someone who is at least willing to investigate that with me.
EDIT 2: I sat down and talked with my mom about the situation with Hanna and it was rough but I think she understands a little better now where I was coming from and is going to help me find a sleep specialist to go to.
I asked her if she thought I should call Hanna directly or if she should talk to her first and she said I should do it so I tried calling but she didn’t pick up, so I sent her an apology text.
No response yet but I said sorry for laughing and for acting self-centered and that if she would still have me at the wedding I would be happy to attend but that I probably shouldn’t be a bridesmaid but I could do other things at the wedding like pass out stuff and that I just want to make sure she has a good time.
I don’t know if she will forgive me but I do feel better now that I am trying. I have also been watching a lot of videos on sleep rhythm disorders and a lot of symptoms in my life make more sense now.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for laughing at your sister and expecting her to plan HER wedding around your chosen sleep schedule.
People who work second and third shifts frequently have to plan ahead and adjust their schedules in order to attend family events or trips.
It’s not easy but it’s definitely doable.
Go to your doctor and start planning on how you can best change (temporarily) your sleep schedule so that you can be a part of your sister’s wedding. If you don’t, be prepared to face a lifetime of resentment or low contact/no contact as you continually miss family milestone events.” Key-Bit1208
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You know what those of us on the night shift actually do when we have a late-morning/early-afternoon event? From an important kids’ soccer game to Parent-Teacher conferences? We wake up and GO. You are being asked, on ONE occasion, one VERY important occasion, to show up short on sleep.******* up and go.
You aren’t even someone with an important critical night-shift job, where showing up dead-tired could create a casualty, like an airplane pilot or EMT. You’re literally just sleeping, not making sure you are well-rested for work.” maroongrad
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You can’t expect her to plan her entire wedding around you. It’s good that you’re excited and happy for her, but you didn’t have to laugh at her. Budget could be a factor since daytime weddings are typically less expensive than evening weddings.
You have some time. Have you tried going to sleep and getting up an hour earlier each day and gradually shifting your sleep schedule to a more normal one? It might only work if you get up earlier first so that you’re tired enough to fall asleep earlier the next night.
It will take some discipline and consistency, so you’d have to be motivated to fix this problem. If you’ve already tried this, and that doesn’t work, then I suggest you just******* up and go without sleep for one day for your sister.” Teacher-Investor
2. AITJ For Threatening To Exclude My Mom From Any Future Wedding Planning?
“My mom and I are both currently planning weddings, and I thought it could be a fun special thing to do stuff together. We made plans to go dress shopping together and I was super excited.
MIL has never liked me.
She will publicly tell people I’m not good enough for her son (yes he shuts that down) She tries to exclude me from everything, and she is always making fun of my style. I like things very girly and traditional, and MIL thinks I’m so boring.
I didn’t want her to have any role in wedding planning mainly due to that.
However, my mom and MIL are friends and I respect that. They used to actually not like each other, but I think there was some underlying mutual respect like they met their match in each other, but my mom’s fiance hates all of my mom’s old friends (not in a controlling way, really nasty catty women and I don’t think my mom even liked them) and he hangs out in the same friend group as MILs husband.
I’m fine with them being friends. I was fine with my mom bringing a friend to the appointment (I brought two) but I was mad when she rolled in with MIL. I immediately pulled my mom aside and was like whaaat?!
She said she threw MIL a birthday party last night, MIL was sleeping in the bed with her, and she couldn’t sneak out without waking her, then somehow felt obligated to invite her (but later admitted she loved both of MIL’s weddings and wants her opinion).
MIL was annoying during the whole thing. She gave my mom a lot of praise, but just was like meh at every dress I tried on, told me ball gowns aren’t flattering on me, told me her son wasn’t going to like the dresses I picked, and said the dresses remind her of that show my super sweet 16.
Needless to say, I was mad. She also gave my friend terrible relationship advice.
The moment I was alone with my mom I snapped at her that she ruined the experience and that maybe I shouldn’t include her in anything else wedding related as she ruined this for me.
I said maybe she should show up at my wedding and be treated like a regular guest. I called her selfish and accused her of doing it on purpose as MIL didn’t even need a birthday party the night before.
It wasn’t even a milestone birthday. My mom’s fiance told everyone what I said and now people are treating me like some spoiled brat.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Not for being upset that MIL was invited but because your comment about MIL not deserving a birthday party because it wasn’t a milestone birthday was super petty.
No jerks here in regards to your mother inviting MIL. Your mother is also dress shopping for herself so of course, she wants her best friend there and she has a right to. You also have the right to be upset that she invited her because your mother knows you two do not get along.
This should have been communicated beforehand if you were going to have an issue with it. If you can bring your friends it’s not wrong for your mother to assume she can bring hers.” Suspicious_Lemon9960
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your mom should’ve checked with you before inviting MIL. She clearly had intentions to invite her, given her later comments that she liked her weddings. Inviting her without your permission while knowing you have a bad relationship makes her a jerk.
You could’ve handled it better and said less to your mom. I think it is fair to say that you shouldn’t include her in future planning, but not to say the stuff you did after that, such as she would be treated the same as a regular guest at your wedding.
That was over the top and made you a jerk.” someperson717
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Cut them both out of all future wedding planning. Let them come to the wedding, to somewhat keep the peace. No wonder they are friends, they sound like two major jerks.
Your mom should have shut down MIL’s criticism about the dresses immediately. She owes you an apology, she ruined your experience picking out a wedding dress by bringing MIL along. But she’s such a jerk herself that she can’t see that.” SunShineShady
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You’re not on good terms with future MIL for valid reasons but your mom and she are good friends and you’re the one who decided to make dress shopping a joint event which means your mom was free to invite whomever she wanted because this was her special day as well.
Also, don’t toss out a threat unless you intend to go through with it.” WinEquivalent4069
1. AITJ For Not Being Able To Do Chores In December?
“I (f30) run a small online business from home. November and December are my busiest time of the year when I make a lot of money that allows me to work less during the year. I’ve been doing this since I was 25 so I’ve got a decent idea of what I can and cannot do.
And focusing on work only for 1-2 months is a sacrifice I’m willing to make for a chill rest of the year.
This year, I moved in with my partner (m35). Well, technically he moved in with me because I own the house so it was a no brainier for him to move in with me.
We split chores half and half. He works full-time (37.5 hours a week). When he moved in, I had a talk with him letting him know that I can’t do any chores in November/December, and asked if he could pick up the slack because I’m physically unable to do any chores as I can be working anything between 12-18 hours a day (I take a full January off to decompress).
He said he doubted I worked that much but we will see.
I asked again in September and October to make sure he was aware that I won’t be doing anything (I meal-prepped in advance) and I felt he kind of dismissed me.
Mid-November, we had an argument about my chores not being done and I reminded him of what I told him.
He said that he thought I wasn’t being serious and told me there was no way he’d do 100% of the chores because he was working too.
I said fine, don’t do my chores, they can wait until I have time. That’s how it was when I lived alone, no problem, I don’t make much mess anyway.
He wasn’t happy but dropped it.
We haven’t seen each other much because I’ve been working so much but he’s been more and more annoyed and blew up at me today regarding the chores.
He said I had to have a better work-life balance and grow up because the house was a mess.
I told him if it was a mess it was his fault because I barely leave my office.
He called me a lazy witch. I told him k didn’t have time for arguing and went back to work.
He stood in front of my locked office door shouting how he couldn’t believe I was being serious about not doing chores and it was a jerk move to leave it all to him.
He thinks I’m a major jerk for basically disappearing for 2 months and following through with not doing chores.
Am I really the jerk for saying I won’t do chores and following through?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Wow. Your partner is showing his true colors.
Believe him.
I know that right now you don’t have time to rearrange your life but once January comes around you should give yourself the gift of losing the deadbeat partner.
For what it’s worth, I’m married and both I and my husband have gone through times where we had to pick up the slack for each other for whatever reason.
And it’s not always a work reason, there could be health issues, the birth of a child, travel, and a billion other things that come up. Your partner is showing you that he will throw a fit and call you names whenever he needs to support you.
This is bad. Really bad. It should be a dealbreaker.” veni_vidi_dixi
Another User Comments:
“I think everyone sucks here.
Your partner is a huge jerk calling you a witch (you should seriously consider ending the relationship for such disrespectful language, in my opinion).
However, I think your plan of putting off all chores for 2 months while living with someone else was jerkish too, especially since you knew he was not 100% on board with it. You don’t stop eating which makes dishes and/or trash even when everything is meal prepped, you still need to use the toilet and hopefully shower, your presence makes dust, etc. Just because you are okay with the level of mess you accumulate over two months doesn’t mean that your partner needs to be, OR that they need to take on 100% of the chores for that time period.
A compromise would have looked something like hiring someone to come clean for you during that busy time and/or picking up a larger share of the chores during your lesson busy time instead of splitting them 50/50.” BetterWithLatte
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Girl this man is living in the house you own and he won’t help out with chores so you can continue with the business that allows him to live there.
You told him and he chose to assume you were lying.
Honestly, this should be all you need to know.
I know people with businesses like this. I just expect not to have any meaningful interaction with them from mid-Nov until the New Year.
You need to be aware that if you plan on having children with him this is exactly how he will be.
‘I doubt looking after a newborn is that much work, but we’ll see.’
Also, the behavior you are describing and the language he is using towards you is wrong.” emccm
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here: he shouldn’t call you names and should try to find a compromise, you did warn him, and you do need to grow up.
It’s your house yes but you’re in an adult relationship and you both work. 2 months of taking on full-time work and a 2-person household is hard. You can split chores. Your work-life balance worked for you when you WERE SINGLE.
This is different. You’re in a different dynamic now even if it’s the same house. You both need to sit down together, find a compromise, and stick to it.” MildOccultism
