People Try To Get Their Facts Straight In These “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
22. AITJ For Defending My Sister's Partner's Etiquette Advice Against My Mom's Criticism?
“My dad (M46) was invited to a big fancy gathering by the director of the company he works for. He was given a table for 6; we are 5 in the family. My sister “Ana” (F26) has a significant other, “Jake” (M26), whom my dad invited.
Jake arrived at our home 1 hour early wearing a tuxedo. We were already dressed but we were not that well-dressed. Jack made a comment about our attires.
He was never rude, mean, offensive, controlling, put us down, etc., like my mom (F47) says. Jake explained his reasons, he was honest and told us it was a hunch because of the place we were going.
He even apologized for overstepping and giving us unsolicited advice. Some of us ended up changing almost completely.
He told us it was better to wear uncomfortable clothes or shoes for a while than to feel awkward or out of place. He said to bring our initial choices and leave them in the car so we could change if he was wrong.
And oh boy! He wasn’t wrong. We have gone to fancy dinners, restaurants, etc., but we found out the difference between fancy to high-end fancy. This was the kind of “party” where if you don’t have any kind of training, you’re going to have a bad time.
I mean, we have manners but we had no idea about etiquette. Not even my mom who thinks we are royalty. Jake was the only one who wasn’t sweating cold.
All of us were able to not make fools out of ourselves because of him.
We were a hit (mostly my dad and him) at the “party”. We thank him (except our mom) for not only helping us but our dad.
On the way home, my mom in a very condescending way questioned Jake about how he learned about etiquette, he said it was thanks to his father.
She responded how it was possible as he never went to college, he said that having a degree has nothing to do with being cultured. She stopped her remarks after that.
We made it home and once Jake left for his, my mother went off on us about Jake, that he is a liar, he embarrassed her, an attention seeker, a deceiver, plus what I wrote above.
We defended Jake and things ended up worse. Ana left the house that night, my dad is sleeping in another room and she’s very short with me and my brother.
She’s expecting an apology from all of us. It’s been 2 weeks and the house still is very tense.
My brother and I are actually thinking of doing it just to relieve some tension. Maybe we are missing something but are we in the wrong for defending Jake?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ feeling embarrassment a lot of times will come out as a lash of anger.
I would recommend finding a nice family counselor. And letting your mom know how much you love her and don’t like how the family feels split so let’s all go here and discuss it and get all of our feelings out and dealt with. Having a counselor not being a person in the family or who knows Jake gives her a chance to have an unbiased opinion on this situation.
And also it’ll give everyone a chance to share their emotions and hopefully come up with possible solutions that work. Because in this situation no matter which family member goes to Mom it seems like other family members are going to be pushed away and you don’t want that.” boiledpenny
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – mom got upset that he knew better than her and didn’t buckle under her trying to one-up him with her comment about a degree. Not to mention, he apologized up front for the unsolicited advice. Usually, when people are being arrogant they just say “not to be rude” not “I’m sorry that I’m offering advice without being asked.” Kudos to him for keeping his cool, kudos to you and family for sticking up for him.” mypoisoneddream
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Jake did nothing wrong and even when he probably knew your mom was being condescending, he still held himself to a higher standard. I can honestly tell you, I’m not always the same. Depending on what it is, if they go low, I go to the underworld lol.
I don’t think you should apologize to your mom only because it may enable her behavior. She is wrong and I hope she knows she’s wrong. She’s just embarrassed that someone she thought was lower than her was right and knew exactly what to do in such a situation.
NTJ.” MikotoSuohsWife
21. AITJ For Yelling At My Brother-In-Law Who Walked In On Me Breastfeeding?
“Everybody knows that if my library door is closed, it means I’m breastfeeding my son so they shouldn’t just walk in since I don’t like to breastfeed with an audience.
Even my husband knocks before walking in.
My brother-in-law wanted to ask me a question and just walked in without knocking because he forgot and was in a rush. I tried to quickly cover myself and screamed at him to get out. My son started crying and I knew it was going to take me forever to get him to latch again so I was really angry and upset.
I know it was probably an overreaction but at the time I wanted to cry I was so upset.
My brother-in-law did apologize and then got defensive because I had stopped feeding my son so I could cover myself. He told me I could keep feeding him and that he would never look at me in that way because I was his brother’s wife.
I kept yelling at him to get out but he wouldn’t because my husband told him to ask me if I was okay with the dates he had chosen for a surprise trip to visit their grandparents and he needed to know ASAP.
He only left because my husband kicked him out after hearing me yelling at him.
My husband did apologize to me but I kept telling him I didn’t want his brother coming to the house anymore. Even though he agreed to tell his brother not to come over for the foreseeable future, I could see he wasn’t happy about it.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Yes he walked in and it was an accident (saying accident is also a bit iffy because the post clearly says EVERYONE knows that if her library door is closed she is breastfeeding and they should knock) but giving her brother-in-law the benefit of the doubt and saying what he did was a genuine accident.
The problem is that even after he realized what he walked in on his first instinct was not to say sorry, leave and just wait for her to be done BUT instead even after she yelled at him to get out he REFUSED AND STAYED and her husband had to physically kick him out.
That’s so disgusting of him to do and honestly comes off lowkey because he’s fully insisting that he stays even though you are clearly uncomfortable. Breastfeeding is obviously a very personal and intimate thing and I think it’s great and that women have every right to feed their child in public no matter what because again you are literally feeding your child but they ALSO have a right to privacy because not everyone is comfortable with doing that.
You 100% didn’t overreact and are very obviously NTJ. The people saying you are, are ridiculous.” Personal-Friend-970
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There’s a hierarchy of needs and wants in life. Your need to feed your son comfortably > your BIL’s want to ask you a question.
Your desire to feel safe and comfortable while feeding your son > BIL’s feelings about getting yelled at. Unless he apologizes, I wouldn’t let him back in either. Sure, it was an honest mistake initially, but who stays and argues with someone they walked in on, in a position they know makes them uncomfortable to be in?
Jerks, that’s who. If I walked in on someone changing and they yelled at me, it would sting, but I wouldn’t stick around to argue with them about how I don’t see them that way anyway, and they should be fine with talking to me while uncomfortable with their own level of decency.
I feel like even if the circumstances are different, the same principle applies here. And you know what else really makes him the jerk? The fact that he could have left, and then later told you that he didn’t appreciate the immediate reaction of being screamed at when he’d know you were calmer and not actively trying to feed a baby.
Instead, he dug his heels in and stayed there, because proving a point mattered more to him than you getting to feed your son.” diayfantis
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Maybe you overreacted when you screamed when startled, but you felt vulnerable and were more comfortable without an audience.
I think the important thing is to respect a person’s right to bodily autonomy which includes deciding who can see you when you feel vulnerable. All these people saying YTJ would have your back if your BIL wanted to watch you give birth. It’s the same thing on a smaller scale.
It’s your choice, it’s not a show for anyone’s entertainment and no one should dismiss your very clear boundaries. Where your BIL went from a lovable doofus who doesn’t understand how doors work to the jerk is when he refused to leave when you were clearly uncomfortable.
He didn’t say sorry and close the door and tell you he had something important to discuss with you as soon as possible. Instead, he stayed, argued with you, and dismissed your valid feelings. He refused to leave the room. Why does he think he gets to dismiss your feelings and right to privacy?
Who knows. It’s good your husband has your back. I’m sure he is sad about it but he does recognize what his brother did is wrong. Your BIL needs to reassess what is appropriate behavior. You need to feel safe when he is over. If that means he can’t be at the house while you might be in a vulnerable state then he can’t be at the house until you feel safe and respected.” Few_Improvement_6357
20. AITJ For Asking My Ex To Bring Our Daughter To Visit Me?
“I, 31M, have two daughters, the oldest who is 10 with my ex and a 4-month-old baby with my partner. Now before the health crisis, I tried to see my daughter twice a month for a weekend and since I don’t drive it’s about a 6-hour commute one way.
During the crisis, I wasn’t allowed to see my daughter at all in person, we did try to video chat every weekend though, but sometimes those got canceled last minute by my ex. They even ghosted me for about 3 months last Autumn.
Now that my younger daughter has been born, I see my oldest about once every 3 weeks, I also try to arrange video calls weekly but my ex always seems to be busy.
Well for a while now my partner has mentioned it would be nice if my oldest could come visit us every now and again. We have the room and my oldest can spend time with us and my parents.
Well, I brought up the question with my ex and she said she and her husband can’t facilitate it, but there is always room if my partner, the baby, and I want to stay the night and in the meantime, we can just do some more video calls.
My partner said there’s no way that can happen at the moment since the baby is so young and that we’d never be able to carry everything we needed on public transport. That even if I could take the baby down, it wouldn’t be fair on my eldest since I wouldn’t be able to give her my full attention.
My ex’s response makes me feel like a jerk so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ the ex is offering a solution not ideal but nearly 4 hours is a lot to ask. Can you go for the weekend for the first time and have a discussion face to face?
She is not saying no she is saying no to driving and with fuel prices lol find somebody who is willing to do the driving and offer money to cover their costs. What you need to do is arrange for a device for your daughter alone to call her on, maybe an old smartphone or tablet.
She is 10 she does not need her mum to arrange she can do this alone. I do this with my nephew I send him a message and then call when good for us both no problem. If you go to court they generally want you to meet in the middle or alternative travel.
Where do you live by the way?” 2022wpww
Another User Comments:
“I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt, I’m going to say you are not so much a jerk, but more unrealistic and oversimplifying. Yes, it is good you want to see your daughter, and it is good that your current partner wants to do so as well and it seems your ex is open to things.
What you are unrealistic about is expecting your ex to be solely responsible for getting YOUR child TO you. It’s up to YOU to find a way to at the VERY LEAST meet her halfway. Also, it doesn’t sound as though you have a hammered-out visitation schedule (legal/in writing) and without that, your ex does not have to lift a finger.
If spending time with your child is as important as you are implying–then figure out how to make it happen for that child to be in your life; moving closer, finding/affording someone to drive you, getting things tied up legally, etc. In the meantime, make a schedule for video calls and accept the reality — the time you sit around upset that your ex isn’t making things happen for you (not her job!!) – is time you are wasting as your child grows.
Wonder if that attitude is why she is your ex…” Babsgarcia
Another User Comments:
“ESH except for your partner. Your ex doesn’t seem to make an effort to co-parent with you. Cutting all contact between you and your child for three months is not ok.
And never being able to sort a video call isn’t ok either. She isn’t obligated to go by your schedule, but always being too busy to set up a call seems more like a deliberate act of obstruction. However, what exactly is stopping you from going early to pick up your daughter, bring her to your place where you have room for her (as you well should), and spend a few days as a family, every other week if anything?
It’s a long commute, well, tough cookie. Her mother isn’t obligated to drive your daughter around to make your life easier. She could, it would be great if she did, but she doesn’t want to. That doesn’t extinguish your responsibility.” Jolly_Tooth_7274
19. AITJ For Not Wanting My Racist Stepfather At Our Wedding?
“I (21 M) am engaged to my fiance (21 F). We’re having arguments about having my father-in-law (her father) at our wedding, she doesn’t want him to be there and has her reasons of course.
But then I told her that I don’t want her stepfather at the wedding, since he’s a racist and proud of it.
At our son’s birthday, for example, it wasn’t even a birthday. It was all about politics, discussions, immigrants, and so on. When he gets inebriated, he’s worse I’ve been told.
He began a discussion with a random mom at my fiance’s aunt’s wedding because he had been drinking.
He started it because she was a white female, that married and had a child with a brown Muslim.
My father is a white European and my mom a brown Asian, so I feel like he’d ruin the mood by being there.
My fiance wants her stepfather to be there, while I’m against it.
She said that if her bio father is there, she doesn’t want to get married. I said the same thing, just about her stepfather.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Why are you guys getting married? She demands her stepfather is there knowing you are essentially one of his targets for inebriated verbal assaults, and threatened to not get married if he’s not there.
You’re NTJ for not wanting this guy there but you both need to grow up a bit. You both already jumped to calling the wedding off over the guest list, and she’s condoning behavior that would directly target you personally, from someone you’ll likely have to see at every family event forever.” ghostofumich2005
Another User Comments:
“Info needed. Will her mom not come or be allowed to come to the wedding if stepdad isn’t allowed? You said he can get angry and controlling. Will he see it as a snub and ban or ruin it for her mom??
Or will her mom feel pressured to not go as well?? Your explanation makes no sense and I feel there are details you are leaving out.” Help24-7
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – so she doesn’t want one of her fathers, and you don’t want the other, so none of her fathers will be there?
Who do you want to walk her down the aisle? Let her have her day, it’s not all about you and your comfort.” DialPlumeria
18. AITJ For Refusing To Help Pay Off My Mom's Loan That My Sister Persuaded Her To Get?
“I (25F) have lived on my own since I was 19 (had roommates, a partner, etc, but lived away from home with 0 financial support from family).
My older siblings have both drained my parents financially and because of that, they were never really able to help me financially the way they did my siblings. Anything I’ve had over the years I’ve paid for myself.
Moving on, trust me this all plays a part in the issue at hand.
My partner and I (26M) just bought our first home together this year. We’re ecstatic and so so proud as it’s our dream property. It is a fixer-upper so with the help of my partner’s parents, we’ve been slowly chipping away and have made so much progress.
I also just accepted a new position and let me tell you it’s a dream job. I’ll have amazing benefits and will be making my ‘goal’ salary. I was so excited because I’ll finally be able to really start saving again (I’ve been spending my paychecks working on our home) and I’m hopeful that I could actually afford kids someday in the future.
They ain’t cheap lol.
Within 2 minutes of my older sister (31F) finding out how much I’ll be making, she asks me to help pay off my mom’s HELOC which is basically a second mortgage on my mom’s home. My sister convinced my mom to take out this loan against the home to do renovations on her home (which I had no part in how much they were spending).
My mom and sister both have put a lot of money into this (including my sister’s $10k credit card debt) and it’s to a point where my mom is worried about retiring and my sister is starting to help her pay it off as she is still living at home with my mom.
My mom has helped my sister a lot financially this year and in the past, which is why I assumed she was helping her pay for the loan because my sister owes her a lot of money.
My sister is gaslighting me and guilt-tripping me to help pay this loan off.
I explained that it’s not my responsibility, and I wouldn’t have gotten my own mortgage that required more financial work if I knew I’d be paying their loan off too. But she persisted and said she would resent me for the rest of her life if I ‘stick her with it’.
My partner is upset, I’m upset and feel guilty. I don’t know what to do, I’ve already sent her $150 after she argued with me.
If I don’t help, she’s making it seem like this could ruin our relationship forever.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ 1. Stop telling your family your personal financial business. When you tell them and they are at the same level as you, they look at it as you implying you can help them. It is never wise to tell your parents, siblings, etc, really anyone what your financial business is.
2. your mother and sister are full-grown adults. They are responsible for their own decisions. They have made foolish decisions and should now be trying to figure out how they fix their own mistakes. You are NOT responsible for their poor decisions. You should NOT pay their bills.
That does not help them learn to make better decisions. That just teaches them that you will bail them out when they get into financial issues. Sorry sis, and mom, but I can’t afford to pay off mom’s HELOC. You and Mom decided to take out the HELOC, you didn’t ask for my opinion on whether that was a good idea or not.
If you had, I would have asked how do you intend to pay it off and how will it affect Mom’s retirement. Sis, you got Mom into this, so you need to figure out how to get a better job to help her pay it off.
Mom, you let sis convince you to do something that was financially unwise. You and sis need to figure out how you are going to pay this off.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: Your sister has a job. I don’t know if your mom is still working.
And they both live in the house. And they both took out the HELOC. This is the essence of not your circus and not your monkeys. Don’t give them money for this. You don’t have a financial loan and repay relationship with either your mom or your sister.
You know your sister doesn’t pay money back (because she’s asking you to pay her loans). Just don’t. The only person ruining your relationship with your sister is your sister by blackmailing you for cash. And my guess is emotionally blackmailing your mom for cash, and getting away with never paying it back is exactly why your sister and mom are in this predicament.
If you pay off the loan for them there will be another loan, another credit card, etc. I guarantee it. If you have to pay your sister to be your sister then there is a problem money can’t solve.” JetItTogether
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister just sees the total salary, she has no idea of your actual financial status.
Say no if their financial status is so bad then they can sell the house, pay off all the loans, and find a cheaper place to live. I know you may love your sister but don’t let her use you, it will never end and will destroy your future.
The minute you give them money it won’t go to the loan, it will be spent on other luxuries and they will be living better than you, off of your hard work. Worse, it will continue for the rest of your life if you don’t stop it right now.
She will always want more for something. I will tell you what I told my kids: Until you have an emergency fund set aside equal to 6 months of your salary AND you are able to cover all your expenses with a paycheck that has 15% taken out and put in a retirement fund, you have no money to spare for anyone else.
There is more you should be planning for but that is the absolute bare minimum. Also, do not loan money you can’t afford to lose and if you do loan money make sure there is a loan contract that everyone signs, no verbal agreements, especially with family.
Finally, never cosign for anybody except maybe for your own children when they need help for their first apt. Do not give her any money. It is not your responsibility and it will just enable her to spend more.” katamino
17. AITJ For Being Upset That My Husband Laughed At My Traumatic Childhood Stories?
“My husband and I have been on an extended trip for my SIL’s wedding.
On the drive home, we were recounting a conversation with his family about how he barely remembers his childhood, but what he does remember are very idyllic and fond memories.
He comes from a very conservative WASP upbringing that involved summers at his parents’ pool, their cottage, grandparents’ lodge in the country, and his parents prioritizing every school activity with their kids possible, especially field trips like skiing, and extended outings that his parents volunteered for.
So I shared today some stories that I remember.
For context, I grew up with a heavy drinker father (who I used to have to wake to take me to school), and a narcissistic mother.
Sometimes I recount stories, like how my parents “accidentally” gave me rotten lunch meat, so I have a weird thing for food near expiry dates.
But today I explained in contrast how my parents would often forget to pay or fill our field trip forms so I couldn’t go and I was THAT kid.
My husband’s response? He laughed.
I got extremely upset (quiet and staring blankly), and then he asked what was wrong.
I explained heatedly (not yelling) that it’s extremely insensitive to laugh at my childhood trauma like that. He said “sorry” reflexively (like my toddler does), but I don’t feel like he had any self-awareness for how hurtful that is after 7 years together.
I’m still upset, and he feels like I’m overreacting since he apologized. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That pain runs deep. I remember volunteering to help wash the car because it meant I could snag all the change people dropped. I kept that as my secret field trip fund. Our parents never seemed to have money for field trips so this way he wouldn’t have to miss on field trips.
If I told a story like that to my husband and he laughed? We’d be having an issue.” flyin_high_flyin_bi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your childhood was awful. As someone with a heavy drinker father and a mother who just cared for herself, I can understand that.
If you share this pain of all the years and he just laughs as if your life was a joke… Would he find it funny if his child had such a life? And instead of feeling really regretful about this reaction a “sorry”? Did you catch him stealing a cookie?
No, he made a joke out of your pain. And now he thinks you are overreacting? What?! Is this something he does often? Take you not so serious? And how can he not remember his childhood? Are you also in therapy for your past? Maybe you should think about couple counseling?” EvilFinch
Another User Comments:
“I am so sorry for your childhood. Mine was a similar series of sad stories. Now 45 years of being an adult has taught me that sometimes it is inconceivable for some people to understand what you actually went through. I hear your story and immediately understand because I have context and a shared library of emotions I can use to understand you.
For instance. I can say things like “I have never ever had booze.” And you can, without a single additional word, understand why, I suspect. It is possible that the source of your husband’s reaction is a lack of a shared frame of reference rather than minimizing your feelings.
It feels the same, but there is a difference. So no jerks here.” [deleted]
16. AITJ For Hiding My Relationship From My Unsupportive Mother?
“I (17ftm) have a partner “H” (18nb) and they have a partner “C” (18nb).
This is a fully consensual, non-intimate, loving relationship, etc, etc. While C and I are not seeing each other, we are best friends, and H is the love of both of our lives. I’ve been seeing H since we were both 15, and they’ve been seeing C since they were both 13.
A bit after H and I started seeing each other, I mentioned being polyamorous to my mom. Her reaction was… less than ideal. She very clearly saw it as wrong and refused to acknowledge the non-intimate aspect of it. I cried for hours after that and told H and C that if my mom asked, they were best friends, not partners.
They agreed that was all good for the past three and a half years, but the other day she was going through my bag to try and find a math test I’d lost and found a Polaroid picture of me and C each kissing one of H’s cheeks.
When she showed it to me, I burst into tears. I broke down and told her everything, and she got very quiet. She walked out of the room and has barely spoken to me since. Due to some childhood trauma, she has some pretty bad trust issues.
My dad and siblings both think I’m the jerk, but I was just trying to protect myself and my relationship. H and C have been pretty much the only people talking to me during these last few days. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You tried to tell your mom. Her reaction caused you to protect yourself. If you want to earn trust, you have to be trustworthy. Her refusal to listen or discuss your sexuality more and come to a better understanding caused this. She was fine with sweeping the entire subject under the rug, or else she would have continued to discuss it with you.
LGBTQIA people often cannot trust their family with the entire truth because of their actual or feared reactions. Imo mom should be apologizing to you, her child, for making you feel like you had to hide something essential about your identity from her. Also, I’m not sure what you hid?
YOU’RE not seeing C, H is. I don’t see the big deal about this setup.” rrriot-kitty
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You tested the waters when you were younger, and knew it would upset her. Considering your age, it could have also ended your relationship. Now that you’re at an age where you’ll be a legal adult soon, it’ll be easier to deal with the consequences of your mother, and family’s opinion on your relationship.
That said, even if you had continued not to tell her, I would keep the same judgment. It’s not anyone’s business who you are seeing/intimate with. Don’t let the family guilt you. Mom has trust issues, but again, you have to remain open-minded and accepting to earn that kind of trust in a relationship both ways.” mmj1990
Another User Comments:
“NTJ your family can be as mad and upset as they want. But at the end of the day, you had to take the necessary steps to keep yourself and your partner(s) safe. Considering your mom wasn’t very happy/supportive of the relationship.
You tried to be open with her at the start of it but she showed her true colors and you had to act accordingly. She can be mad/sad but at the end of the day, she needs to think about what got her in this situation in the first place.
Her inability to try and understand you and your relationship.” tortillaTorres
15. AITJ For Being Upset That My Mom Favors Her Friend's Son Over Me?
“My (15f) mom favors her best friend’s son (17m) over me. It’s stupid and immature, I know, but I’m so darn jealous. I’ve only ever met my mom twice before she moved back to our country permanently (she was working in another country and only ever comes home once every 5-7 years).
Anyway, the reason I’m jealous is because she makes more effort for things that concern her best friend’s son, let’s call him John (not his real name, obviously). And when it comes to me, I don’t think she even bothers. For example, and this is just ONE example, it was my birthday 2 weeks ago and she gave me Php 1000 (around $20 USD) to celebrate my birthday.
NOT as a gift, that $20 was supposed to be used to buy food for me, my friends, to go someplace nice, etc.,
Mom said I’ll make it work, I couldn’t because obviously, the money wasn’t enough so I had to cancel everything I’d planned. I rarely ask her for much so I was expecting $100 or something because that’s what she usually gives my brothers when they go to the mall, I don’t know.
Anyway, for John’s birthday, she gave his mom Php 20,000 (around $350 USD) to pitch in for his party. When I found out, I was mad I guess. Hurt, something like that. When I asked her why she didn’t give me nearly as much money for my birthday, she said money was tight back then.
2 weeks ago.
We had a fight about it, I said she was being unfair, and she said I was being conceited, and ungrateful, that John worked harder than I did in school and he deserved a good birthday. That I don’t understand her because I’m not a mom and she’s just trying to teach me.
And I’ve been trying to make what she said make sense but it’s not clicking in my head.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Unequal treatment is hurtful. If there was a problem and she was short of money at the time of your birthday she should have apologized and explained to you.” ArcheryOnThursday
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are right, your mom favors John, and from what you said, she favors boys in general over girls. It is clear she doesn’t value you. You don’t go from money being tight to being able to afford Php 20,000 in two weeks WITHOUT doing something nice for your daughter’s birthday that you couldn’t afford two weeks earlier.
She is lying to you about that and attempting to gaslight you when she calls you “conceited and ungrateful.” In truth, your mother simply doesn’t value you, and won’t until she needs you for something. Be done with her.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she definitely seems to favor John and your brothers, for that I’m sorry.
I hope you have a better relationship with other family members (father, aunts, uncles, etc). The sad truth of life is, we can’t force the next person to treat us the way we want and to give us what we want.” MicIsOn
14. AITJ For Questioning My Dad's Emotional Responsibility In Arguments?
“I (15F) have a dad (49M) who recently got into an argument with my mom.
Doesn’t sound like a big deal, right? Well, when he gets mad, he slams stuff around and the yelling gets louder and louder and the insults don’t stop coming. And when he does yell he says he isn’t, even though my mom was sitting there crying.
It’s kind of dividing up the family because of his anger issues, but then it’s my mom and I’s fault for everything. I’ll admit, I do need to pick up more slack on my end.
Well, he likes to vent to me everything that’s wrong with my mom as if he’s perfect almost. He was just going on and on about how she keeps making arguments with him but I told him that he doesn’t listen to her most times.
He talks over everyone and is very obnoxious. This has been happening basically all my life. So while he was telling the same old story, like a broken record, I just said “Why is it always up to us to cater to your emotions” and he completely laid into me.
He could’ve just, told me what I was thinking was wrong but instead he completely blew up. We haven’t talked since yesterday and he’s been ignoring me this morning. My friend says that I’m in the right because he doesn’t know how to handle his emotions.
But I feel guilty, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That was a fair question. It sounds like he has a perpetual victim mentality and believes he’s never wrong. It makes sense you got sick of it. He needs to be called out. It’s shameful he’s almost 50 and still acts like that.
After a while, it gets tiring to put your own feelings and opinions aside just to calm him down. If your dad never admits that he’s wrong then he’ll just keep having his tantrums, but it sounds like that’s what he wants.
He needs to grow up or your mom needs to kick him out.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ your father should NOT be talking to you about his problems with your mother, you are not his therapist. This can lead to huge problems for you later in life.
Your father has anger issues, it’s causing problems in the family and he refuses to address it it’s completely his fault. I’m sorry for you I really am. The best advice I can give you is first don’t let him talk to you about your mother just say you don’t want to hear about it because it’s not a good thing to do.
Second maybe if you have access to someone to talk to a therapist whatever that would be great for you. And third, getting your father to therapy or at least recognizing his anger issues would be great I just don’t know how you go about doing that I’m sorry.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Hi. I was you 25 years ago. Your father is emotionally abusive, and nothing you do will change him. He will not change. Ever. If you can, try to get into family therapy with your mom to help both of you figure out how to cope with this.
I don’t know how tight your dad holds the purse strings, but try to do this with the both of you if you can. Talk to a guidance counselor at school or another trusted adult to get resources if your mom or dad can’t or won’t help (such as church, aunt or uncle, or family friend).
You’re still a kid and this shouldn’t be your problem to solve, but your mom’s esteem has probably been so worn down over the years she wouldn’t emotionally know where to begin.
It took my mom far longer to leave my dad than we would have liked, but she did, she did it gloriously on her own, and now she’s happier than I’ve ever seen her.
Tell your mom she deserves this. (Note: going to therapy with your abuser does NOT work. Just do this on your own or with your mom.) If you can’t do this right now, do what you can to bide your time. I’m sure you’re already a master at walking on eggshells.
But after you’re able to get out on your own, get therapy on your own to undo his influence. His behavior will cause lasting issues you won’t even be aware of, and this will be so important to work out if you want to have healthy relationships in the future.
Good luck. And remember, you’re stronger than you realize. NTJ.” swissmissmaybe
13. AITJ For Not Letting My Accident-Prone Partner Drive My Car?
“My partner (25 M) got his dream car he’s wanted since he was little, a few months ago. He purchased it with his dad’s disability payout he received after his dad passed (RIP Rob).
He let me drive it once, and I (24 M) fell in love with it. (It’s a ‘99 Miata). I told him I would probably save up and get one because it’s so fun to drive. He was excited cause we’d both have Miatas.
As he puts it, that car was his best friend.
He was so so ecstatic when he got it, and I was so happy for him. Sadly, within a month of getting his, he totaled it. (On par with his driving record; he’s had 15 wrecks and a few speeding tickets.)(Just for the record, I have one speeding ticket on my record.)
He was devastated, bawling his eyes out and the works, and wasn’t himself for a few weeks, understandably so. I’m still working to save up for one, and he asked if he could drive it some when I eventually get it. I told him most likely no, because of his driving record and his most recent wreck, I’m not really comfortable with him driving my vehicles that I’ve busted my butt for.
He’s upset and thinks I’m being a jerk because of it. So basically just want some outside perspective.. AITJ or are my feelings justifiable in the situation.”
Another User Comments:
“FIFTEEN wrecks? How does he even still have a license? And no, you are NTJ and should never allow him to drive one of your cars.
Additionally, he should go to a remedial driving school and you should not allow him to drive you anywhere until he does. Someday he could kill or seriously injure someone. Don’t let it be you.” IAmHerdingCatz
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for not letting him drive.
But also, why are you staying in a relationship with someone you can’t even trust to borrow your car? His driving track record is awful and it makes sense not to let him, but do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who you couldn’t rely on to share the driving burden on road trips, be your sober driver occasionally, give you a lift to the airport, or take you to the hospital in an emergency?
It’s one thing if he couldn’t drive due to a disability, but you’re tethering yourself to someone too irresponsible to safely accomplish a basic life task, is that really the future you want for yourself? 15 wrecks is obscene. You’re going to bear the burden when he eventually loses his license or, if you end up married, when he ends up on the wrong side of a lawsuit.
I know you say you aren’t asking relationship-wise, but you’re being a jerk to yourself by staying with this jerk. Given he presumably knew he tends to wreck cars and he wasted his inheritance from his father on a sports car, this also speaks to a high level of financial instability.
Don’t be surprised if you discover he’s an irresponsible risk taker in other ways or, worse if you find yourself sitting in a criminal trial someday watching the person you share a life with get convicted after driving irresponsibly.” KelpieMane
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have an ex from way back who loves his car but was a horrible driver. Lots of accidents and speeding tickets. Imagine any extra money having to go towards tickets and repairs. You might want to rethink your relationship. It may appear to be a car issue, but I think there’s a much bigger problem to discuss regarding responsibility and reality.” Upstairs_Broccoli_35
12. AITJ For Not Wanting To Move With My Parents To Michigan?
“I (21F) was recently informed that my mom and dad were planning on moving. Moving where? 12 hours away to Michigan where all of my mom’s side of the family is.
I have nothing against my mom’s side (with a few exceptions) but my life is where I am now. All of my chosen family is here, my significant other, THIS is where I belong.
This information was handed to me in the form of a 20-minute phone call while my parents were in Michigan.
The call was originally to check in and make sure the dogs were doing okay. (One of my dogs is diabetic and blind so she’s on a strict schedule) The conversation soon turned into my mom talking about a house that my dad really liked and that they wanted to move there.
“You’ll have your own living space!” is the exact quote from her.
I won’t deny that it’s a really nice house. The area that would’ve been “my” living space has its own kitchenette. I normally don’t have a problem with her talking about moving up there but this time was different.
Because it’s a definite. I told her I’m not moving with her and she wanted to argue all the reasons I should. I continued to tell her no and eventually, she stopped and said “We’ll talk about it when I get home,” and the call ended there.
It’s now almost a week later and she’s still on about how much I’ll like the house and that “we’ll visit it when we go up next, that way you can see the property.” I have already found an apartment that will allow me to not only have my cats but also my own space that will really be mine.
The only thing she asked about it was the area it’s in. She gets super huffy whenever I start talking about the apartment and has told me to “stop talking about it so much.”
I really don’t want to move to Michigan and have to start over entirely with no friends and family I rarely talk to and/or don’t know.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She asked you to stop talking about it, and that’s exactly what you should do – put her on an info diet. Do everything you have to do for your apartment and make your moves. When you’re ready to move in, inform them of your moving date and proceed. If you think she’ll create a bigger stink, move some of your stuff in secret.
Be sure to get all your documents ahead of time. If she has your birth certificate, passport, etc., get them NOW.” baobab77
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I’m confused why your parents’ expectation that you’ll move with them is so strong? Is it a financial constraint thing?
Are you a caretaker for one of them or the other way around? I just would assume by default that an adult-ish kid with a job/relationship/situation in one place would just…stay there, even if parents need to move elsewhere? I don’t know.” WLW_Writer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ even if you are a caretaker you have a job where you’re at, so them not including you in the original decision would have been wrong and even if you were the caretaker if your patient moves then they will need to be responsible for finding another caretaker in their area.
But you are an adult and you get to decide and if mom doesn’t like talking about your apartment so much then she doesn’t need to talk about the new house either.” Poison-Dart-Frog89
11. AITJ For Defending My Achievements Against My Aunt's Criticism?
“A cousin was having her HS graduation/birthday bash so my mom made me go. All the aunts and my mom were sitting at a table so my mom called me over to talk with them. I get there and they start asking me about what I do, am I in college, what’s my major, what are my grades etc, etc, etc. I answer and they seem content.
Just answered I’m a nursing student who’s a part-time healthcare worker. I’ve been making A’s so far.
However, this one aunt proceeded to say how her daughter was the same age as me and is a full-time SAHM AND a full-time college student.
She graduated high school last year with a 3.2 GPA while being a mom. She then proceeded to tell me “You need to do better.” All the other aunts and my mom were like “Wow” and “She’s so strong” and “What a smart girl.”
Man, good for cousin but I didn’t like the “You need to do better” comment so I told her I was the valedictorian at my HS and I’m doing very well right now on my full ride.
She didn’t like that response and proceeded to tell my mom to “Watch your child.” My mom told me to go somewhere else and I walked off
Got lectured at in the car ride home for “talking back to my elders” but seemed worth it.
AITJ for talking back to my aunt?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I suppose every family is different, but getting married at 18 and having a kid doesn’t necessarily seem like something to brag about and aspire to. It might have been cooler to just duck out of there at that point, out of confusion over the aunt’s priorities, or sympathy for her need to brag about this rather than downplay it, rather than giving her a hard time.
But I could totally understand defending yourself at that point.” MystifiedByPeople
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s not your fault that you’ve managed to NOT pop out a child all while being valedictorian in High School, getting a full ride to nursing school, maintaining As, and being a part-time Healthcare worker so you can be a SAHM.
Your aunt was trying to prop up her child while also covering the fact that she had a kid, probably before she wanted her to have one. She just got outplayed when you showed your cards. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.” DC_Verse
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I would have asked exactly what I need to do better at. You made it through high school child-free, valedictorian with a full ride to college. It seems like your aunt is trying to downplay all your hard work to make her kid look better.
Your mom needs to have your back and stop letting your aunt crap all over your hard work.” TypicalAd3575
10. AITJ For Selling My Car To My Sister's Partner When She Can't Afford It?
“I (22f) and my sister (24f) don’t get along too well. Not just the typical sibling fights. It’s always been this way.
I have a 99’ Chevy S-10 pickup my parents gave me when I got my license.
They have never given a car to my sister because she can’t legally drive. With that being said she still complained about never being given a car.
Our father (50m) passed in Sept. 2021, and all of his cars got transferred into our mother’s name (she can’t legally drive as well).
She sold one of the cars, the other is waiting for a buyer and I received the 2004 Jeep Liberty. Well, a lot is wrong with it now and I don’t have the patience to fix it.
My husband (25m) and I agreed to buy me a new car and we need $1000 down to finance it.
Great! We will sell one of my cars to get the deposit money. I called my sister and asked if her partner wanted to buy my old truck. He said no, so I asked about the Jeep. They loved it. I told them I’m selling it for $2,500 and I would need $1000 next week and they can give me the rest when they get it.
And if they bought it as is I would sell it for $2000. They said sure, they would ask his mother because she had $2000 put up to get him a car. Well apparently now his mother only has $500 and they can’t come up with the rest. I told them I’m sorry I need $1000 to put a deposit on a new car, as the Jeep is a daily driver for us.
She got upset and hung up the phone.
My mother texted her once last night just to double check that they can’t come up with the extra 500 and my sister responded saying it’s not right that I received two cars from my parents and she didn’t get one but instead, we want to sell her one.
Now she has me blocked on social media (which is common for her to do) so am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Info: did your sister receive anything else that equates to the monetary value of a car, either around the time you got your truck or in the inheritance?
Since a lot of people are jumping to NTJ, I’ll add that if the sister received similar gifts from parents/share in inheritance, then NTJ. If she didn’t, it’s blatant favoritism. It would be ridiculous if, just because she didn’t learn to drive, she wouldn’t get the same ‘help’ in life.
You were given a mode of transportation that makes certain things easier, and something you could sell for cash if you need to. You can say it’s not your problem, but you can be more understanding of it and imo it would make YTJ.” worldwearypumpkin
Another User Comments:
“First I’m sorry for your loss, hope you’re doing okay. You’re definitely NTJ but did your parents cover something else for your sister to give her a leg up in adult life maybe education or rent help or something you didn’t get?
If they did I’d say your sister’s the jerk but if not it’s pretty unfair they got you a car and nothing for her it’s not your problem but definitely see where she’s coming from.” Medical_Pineapple726
Another User Comments:
“I think the people saying no license, no car are being a bit harsh.
You could use the same logic that OP can’t drive two cars at the same time, so why give two cars? What if the sister were legally blind, or epileptic, or otherwise unable to get a license through no fault of her own? The sister could have sold the car and paid for a year’s worth of bus passes/occasional Ubers with it.
As a previous poster said, I also want to know if the sister got something of similar monetary value in lieu of a car from the inheritance. Either way, I’d lean toward NTJ for OP but I can kinda see the sister’s side too.” dogbather
9. AITJ For Reporting A Nurse Who Got Me Kicked Out Of A Warhammer Tournament And Shared My Files?
“I was invited to a Warhammer tournament with a team but was kicked out of both the tournament and team because the team leader was a nurse when I was staying in a psychiatric ward.
This all happened a year ago, and I am reporting it now because of more stuff I’ve learned about the nurse.
I am sadly ready to face the consequences when a mutual friend finds out, but it feels like I was bullied a bit by him saying there was nothing I can do.
The nurse in question is now being investigated for disclosing my file to a mutual friend and the people I was on the team with.”
Another User Comments:
“The circumstances you are describing constitute a serious breach of the nurse’s duty of confidentiality. Even if they told nobody, using knowledge gained in their capacity cannot be used in the way they used it, in another capacity.
This is the sort of thing that hinders your ongoing mental health. It’s just so wrong. The nurse should be reported and disciplined. Anyone who responded in the way you said you did is… NTJ.” VlaxDrek
Another User Comments:
“I don’t know what country you’re in, but HIPAA law in the U.S.
addresses exactly this kind of thing. A lot of people think HIPAA protects things it doesn’t, but the main thing it DOES do is make it illegal for a healthcare provider to disclose your medical information without your permission. What the nurse did is a breach of privacy, and super unethical at best, potentially illegal. She should be investigated before she causes more harm.
You did the right thing. NTJ. It’s kind of nonsense to get kicked off the team/tournament anyway for a prior psych stay, anyway, regardless of why you were in there.” Ippus_21
Another User Comments:
“If the nurse said “I’m uncomfortable having OP on my team because I’ve been their care provider” that’s not against any kind of laws, even if people can put two and two together because the nurse works at a psych hospital. If the nurse said “I’m uncomfortable with OP because I’ve seen him flip a table in a manic episode”, I think that’s where it gets questionable.
But also, if the nurse was coming from a point of trying to do the right thing or explaining that they are afraid of this person or triggered by them or uncomfortable interacting with them outside of work for safety reasons, I again see absolutely no fault on the nurses part and no reason why they should have to give up their position as a group leader to bend to OP’s desire to play.
That’s not fair, nor is it a therapeutic response from a care provider.” mkultraxcv
8. AITJ For Lashing Out At My Therapist Who Justified My Childhood Bullies?
“Since the age of 12, I’ve been in and out of therapy. The first few years of therapy were fine, the people who treated me were nice but the woman I had when I was 16 was awful so I got moved to another facility.
And the therapist I got there was, interesting, to say the least. She is an old woman, she called me weird and “special” during our first appointment which was a red flag to me.
We had a few more appointments where she really didn’t help at all, she would basically only say things like “think positively” and “it’s in the past so move past it” which is exactly what I need help with.
I had my last session with her this last Friday and we were talking about how I was bullied when I was younger, it affected me deeply and she looks at me and says “Well you are a bit weird, try putting yourself in their shoes.” I interpreted this as her trying to justify them and so snapped and told her how she can’t tell her clients that and “you should be fired because you’re not fit for this job and if I would have had you when I was younger I would have been dead within the hour.”
Before I left I told her that I will never see her again and that she will be hearing from her boss soon.
I never called her boss because I think I may have been a little harsh.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ that needs to be reported. She did not do her job as a therapist. A therapist should NEVER defend the bullies.
Unless you are in anger management, “put yourself in their shoes” is not a proper response to talking about your trauma. She should NEVER call you weird. Do call her boss. File a report. Write a bad review about her. Unfortunately, there are many bad therapists out there and they get away with it because nobody does anything about it.
I’ve been in therapy nearly my whole life, and have had to jump from therapist to therapist at times when I needed a new therapist (often mine retire or my insurance changes where I can go). I have dealt with many bad therapists, including one who told me my trauma was my fault for being weird.
It is never okay for a therapist to tell a client that. Never.” piefanart
Another User Comments:
“No. Your therapist hasn’t been helpful in the least. It sounds like she’s been making these weird vague suggestions that won’t help you in the long run– odds are, she isn’t doing much for other patients either.
It would be a good idea if you called her boss. I think you are NTJ. I hope you find a therapist who is in tune with your needs soon.” PeepaPerfect
Another User Comments:
“No and you should report your interaction with her. She was saying that the bullies were justified because of her perception of who you are.
That is something that … maybe she’s been doing this a long time and has gotten too comfortable and bullying is an issue that was swept under the rug back in the day when she was developing her ideas. I think it’s great you said all of that and maybe the best service she provided you was pushing you to express that and process it.
But there is no reason to feel bad or take it back and I think you should calmly report your interaction and how it made you feel. NTJ.” dog_star_
7. AITJ For Siding With My Husband In A Dispute With My Mother?
“Last year my mother and I had one of our huge arguments about something I did not do right with one of my kids (this happens a lot). She proceeded to get upset with me and do her childish head games such as not talking to me but telling others how she doesn’t understand why I hate her so much.
One night I became so frustrated I was in tears. My husband saw this and, the next day got into a yelling argument with my mother. Things were said that shouldn’t have been said.
A couple weeks later my husband did apologize. He said some things were said that shouldn’t have been said and for that he was sorry.
But some things were said that needed to be said and that he wanted to talk to her about it. My husband is not the talk-it-out type so this was a big deal for him. She said no.
This was a year ago. Since then she refuses to come to my house, come to my house, and expects my husband to apologize again because she didn’t like the way he apologized the first time.
She refused to come over for Thanksgiving or Easter and went to Chicago to my brother’s house, it was supposed to be Christmas at our house and she changed that. She has even refused to come to my son’s birthday party. She told me I am ruining our relationship because I won’t side with her and am siding with my husband.
She also says since I caused this because of our argument that I should fix it by forcing him to apologize, which I won’t do.
I don’t feel my husband needs to apologize again. AITJ for siding with my husband and not trying to fix this since it started with my argument with my mother?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Seems like your mother is losing the battle to control you. Shut it down further when she brings it up again, “I agree with my husband’s response to you. I stand by my husband. I will not have this discussion with you again.
If you bring it up again I will hang up on you. If I am visiting and you bring it up I will pack up and go. This is your first and last warning about this.” And then stick to your guns. She’s trying to wear you down until you finally do what she wants.” TashiaNicole1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You very well may be my wife because this is super common with my mother-in-law. If you take her side you completely invalidate your husband and his feelings. You need to worry about your at-home family above appeasing your mother who seems to be a bit of a narcissist. Good luck.” sirhackenslash
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband stood up for you and you should continue to stand up for him. If your mother doesn’t want to continue her relationship with you, your husband, and your children, accept it and move on. You might come to realize that you’re happier without her giving you unsolicited advice.
If you give in, she’ll expect that each and every time.” Slow-Cherry9128
6. AITJ For Lashing Out At My Grandparents Who Constantly Belittle My Brother And Me?
“My (16f) parents passed away 2 years ago in an accident. So my brother (28m) is my legal guardian now. My grandparents have always hated/resented my brother because he used to smoke, has tattoos, and is also bisexual.
My parents accepted him as he is when he came out to them but my grandparents believe my mom brainwashed my dad. This is due to the fact that my dad is deaf. My grandparents have always treated him as a mentally incapacitated person because in their mind deaf = low IQ.
And also because they hate my mom.
Anyway, when my parents passed away my grandparents were adamant about being my legal guardians. But I refused because I love my brother and he is the only family I have left. My brother is financially stable (he is a lawyer) and was more than happy to take me in.
My grandparents came to visit us last week because ‘ThEy ArE oUr GrANdParEnTs’. I have always hated them but my brother being the sweetheart, allowed them to stay with us for 5 days. My brother is not very strict with me and lets me do whatever I want as long as it is not harmful.
Hence, I do not have a curfew but I would always message him my location and he or his partner would pick me up if I needed them to.
My grandparents were not aware of this and screamed at me for coming home at 10 pm last Thursday.
They didn’t just stop there but also belittled my brother by calling him incompetent to raise a child and wants to challenge him in court for custody because I am in ‘constant danger’ under him. I also wore a rainbow shirt that says ‘love is love’ (I got it during pride month) and they think my brother is influencing me to become a ‘sinner’ like him.
My brother tried telling them that he would pick me up if I wanted it and I had informed him of my location and what time I would be home. But they were not listening to him and kept belittling us and also my dead mom saying she raised terrible kids.
That was my last straw so I screamed at them and told them to get lost and that I would rather be somewhere else than live with awful individuals like them and also wished they were dead. They soon left and I have been receiving messages from my extended family about this.
They were not mad at me for reacting that way but they want me to apologize to my grandparents because they were only looking out for me. They also told me my grandma has been crying nonstop. I refused to do so. My brother is on my side but he thinks I could have avoided saying I wish they were dead.
I agree but I don’t want to apologize because they always pick on both of us, not our other cousins.
Not to sound unpleasant, but when my cousin got pregnant at 14 they raised her kid with so much love. But I get insulted for staying out late?
My brother gets treated like dirt for liking boys?
PS. I know wishing they were dead is a jerk move. but that’s not why I’m here. I’m here to know if my reaction is valid?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ they’re not upset because they care about you.
They’re upset that they have lost control over you. And that you won’t be a point earned under their morality system. To be more clear, they’re upset over the idea of not winning you. Also, a 10 pm curfew at 16 is perfectly reasonable.
Especially if all is well with school/work balance and your free time isn’t depriving you of sleep or self-care. I loved my evenings. Your brother may be acting as more of a supervisor than a parent but, again, at your age that is not a bad role.
You need space and trust and respect and he’s giving that to you. Your grandparents would not. Feel free to keep their door to you closed and locked. Tell the extended family that they made their choices and spoke their minds. You will not discuss this anymore with them.
If extended family want to keep in touch with you they will respect this boundary and not broach the topic again.” Live_Background_6239
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your reaction is totally valid. Telling them that you wished they were dead was on the extreme side, and if you do feel bad about that, you can apologize for only that, and tell them that you find their application of their beliefs (you mentioned your brother is a “sinner” in their eyes so I’m assuming this is a religious situation) hypocritical and unfair when compared to your pregnant underage cousin.
Your brother should probably be present as your guardian so he can directly witness whatever additional abuse they may hurl at you if you choose to do this. Plus they owe him an apology for crossing the line by saying they were going to go after him for custody (depending on where you are, this may not be valid anyway due to your age you likely can choose who you want to live with).” AvgHeight510
Another User Comments:
“Your brother is spot on. You really should apologize for saying you wish they were dead. You know it was wrong, and you don’t want to be that person. It also creates an opportunity to draw some boundaries with them… “Gee, since I’ve got your attention by apologizing, here are some limits – if you want to have any relationship with me, don’t bad-mouth my late, beloved mother – that’s not acceptable behavior, and I will cut contact with you if you do it again.
I hope you’ll forgive me for saying that unacceptable thing, and that you’ll respect that boundary I’ve articulated.” You might even do it in writing, so you can make sure you say what you want to say, without getting drawn into drama. Handwritten is best. Use the sandwich method – apologize, set limits, repeat the apology, and sign off.
If you’re not comfortable apologizing, apologize for saying what you did and then say you’re apologizing because you don’t want to be that person, and not because their feelings might have been hurt. It’s not ideal, but it still opens the door to saying what you really need to say: if you continue to bad-mouth my mother, I will cut you out of my life.
Good luck. NTJ.” MarkedHeart
5. AITJ For Retorting To A Toxic Mom Who Implied I Two-Timed On My Wife?
“My boy started middle school and kids from all the other local elementary schools started to go there.
Unbelievably, there is this boy who is a dead ringer for my son.
The only difference is their height and nose. People assumed they were twins yet they had never met before despite playing in the same sports leagues and being friends with each other’s friends.
My son hung out with him a few times but they didn’t click.
I was picking up my son when I ran into a toxic mother who burned bridges with me a couple of years ago. She asked me if I knew about my son’s “twin” and I have known about him since September.
She then says “I guess your wife didn’t know about your partner” implying that I was unfaithful to my wife with this kid’s mom.
I found the comment to be rude and she didn’t know me enough for it to be funny.
So I asked her “didn’t your husband leave you for his partner? I mean, you were with the dude for like 15 years and you got demoted to a side piece.”
She got angry and told me I knew nothing about her divorce and to mind my business. I told her she should take her own advice and she said she was joking”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She shouldn’t start if she can’t take the heat back.
She was awfully rude, so although I don’t condone rudeness back, she certainly deserved it.” Standard-Jaguar-8793
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You should check the school directory and reach out to the parents. Something along the lines of “this is awkward but (toxic mom) has been starting rumors that (not twin) is my son and obviously not true but I thought you should be aware in case kids start bringing this up to (not twin).” Toxic mom will learn real fast not to start stuff like that.” imnotpanickingyouare
Another User Comments:
“Doppelgangers happen. I saw a man who was identical to my father, wearing clothes my father would never wear. We struck up a conversation. He is in no way related to my family and doesn’t sound like my dad, but they are dead ringers for each other.
I also had a cashier insist I was her coworker. She even said she had just rung up my father. That man overheard her, turned back, and told me he knew I wasn’t his daughter because I couldn’t have changed my clothes that quickly but if I wanted to meet my twin, she was working back in the layaway department right now.
I noped out of there so fast. NTJ. She was rude and it splashed back on her.” Familiar-Ostrich537
4. AITJ For Not Getting My Step-Daughter A 'Big Sister' Gift?
“I’ve been married to my husband for 3 years. He has a daughter from a previous marriage, Callie (7). I ended up pregnant around the same time as my husband’s ex/Callie’s mom, Sandra. She gave birth 2 months after me. We didn’t talk much about it.
My husband and I did talk to Callie about the baby. We read her books about it, assured her that she’ll always be our family, we love her, etc. This baby is an addition to our family, not replacing her in any way. I know Sandra and her husband had a similar talk.
We validated Callie’s feelings on the subject.
Anyway, I had a baby shower and Callie was there. She also went to her mother’s. Sandra’s was after mine. Lots of people at that shower got stuff for Callie as well as the baby, which I thought was sweet.
No one had gotten her anything at mine, but my friends and family always do on Christmas and her birthday. This was a party for me and my husband so I didn’t think anything of it. After all, we’d never expect anything on her birthday or any other celebration for her.
I had my son. Callie was super excited to meet him. She brought him a teddy bear that SIL had taken her to get for the baby. SIL (husband’s sister) kept hinting at if there was a gift for Callie. I didn’t think much of it at the time.
Then Sandra had her daughter. SIL bought her a bear for Callie to give. Sandra and her husband had a ton of gifts for Callie to celebrate her becoming a big sister. Again, very sweet, didn’t think much of it.
My son is 3 months.
When Sandra was dropping off Callie the other day, she asked to speak to me privately. She asked why I still hadn’t gotten Callie a big sister gift. I said that I didn’t know it was expected. Sandra said it’s “normal”. She kept harping on the subject.
Finally, I snapped and said I have enough going on. Callie doesn’t need a gift. This is about my son. We will celebrate Callie on her birthday and whenever she has a big event. I’d never expect someone to get something for my son when those events happen as that’ll be about Callie and not him.
Now, some of my ILs are mad at me. My husband agrees with me that we didn’t have to get Callie anything and has told Sandra that. To be clear, Callie hasn’t said anything about this, she didn’t hear the argument or anything.
According to Sandra, she’s expressed extreme disappointment.
We haven’t had any issues with Sandra until this point and I don’t want to rock the boat but I also find this whole thing ridiculous.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’ve never heard of this.
Doesn’t mean some people don’t think it’s a cool idea, it can be I guess, but just because they did it doesn’t mean they have to harp on you for months because you didn’t. Are they going to be the type that also thinks she has to get presents on the other kids’ birthdays?
I’m totally against that, and this quite frankly seems to be in the same vein, so I gotta say…kinda not a fan. Also interesting that it sounds like everyone’s directing the harping at you… Of course because you’re the woman. Your husband, her father, also doesn’t think it’s necessary.
Are the troops rallying against him? Probably not. It sounds like you obviously took steps to make sure she understands as you said the baby is an addition, not a replacement so you’re clearly in the right mindset. The lack of a material present should be the least of anyone’s concerns, months later no less.” dart1126
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but this one is a little tough because while I don’t think it’s necessarily “normal” to get the sibling a bunch of gifts, I’m sure that Callie has noticed the difference, and this must be a huge transition for her – both households with new babies means a lot less attention for her.
Not to appease your in-laws, but for Callie, perhaps it would be nice to get her something special as a surprise gift – doesn’t even have to be “big sister” related, maybe just something like a craft/art thing she could do independently, or an interesting book, a cool journal, whatever is related to her interests.
Doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate, you don’t necessarily need to relate it to the baby, but just a gesture that shows you value HER interests as part of your family.
I love the idea to make time for activities with Callie that are focused on her instead of gifts.
My 7-year-old doesn’t have siblings but she definitely remembers and prizes experiences with us more than “stuff”. Even simple things like a spontaneous trip to get ice cream. ” InannasPocket
Another User Comments:
“YTJ I have a 4-year-old and am expecting her younger sibling later this year.
In reading up on how to best manage the transition for everyone, and a common piece of advice is for the older sibling to not be left out of the gift-giving. Suggestions on how to implement this range from having a gift ‘from baby’ to the new big sister to having a small basket of trinkets set aside and when someone shows up with a present for the baby and nothing for the older sibling they take something from the basket to give them.
In both cases, the idea is for the older sibling not to feel left out, and that they are still just as important a member of the family as the new baby. They don’t have to be big, expensive gifts. Just something so that the older kid doesn’t have to watch visitor after visitor come in to see the baby bearing gifts and having no interest in them.
Whether it’s ‘normal’ or not, my judgment is based on the fact that Sandra told you that your actions hurt Callie, and you brushed it aside. You said you wouldn’t care. You wouldn’t expect your son to receive gifts in the same situation. You did not, however, talk to Callie, consider the stark difference in the way Callie has been treated by both her parents and step-parents, or consider that you might have actually disappointed your husband’s eldest child.
That outright dismissal of the child’s feelings is really unsettling to me and the lack of empathy makes you the jerk.” SuB2007
3. AITJ For Expecting More Wedding Contribution From My Fiancé's Parents?
“My fiancé’s parents are contributing $3,000 to our wedding. They are not rich, but they make decent money. They’re about to move someplace warm near the beach for retirement and also plan to purchase a 30-foot boat to take on the ocean. They are definitely not poor.
We’re trying to keep wedding expenses to a minimum. We are not lavish people. But average weddings cost $17k+ these days, which means that even if we try to go a bit cheaper, they’re hardly paying 20%.
I’m not saying anything to my future in-laws because that is inappropriate.
But I told my fiancé that I think their parents are cheap giving us only $3,000 when they’re about to buy property near the beach and get a new boat to boot. They said that I’m being entitled.
I’m leaving it at that because it’s not worth the fight and it’s not my money to spend.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – This is the retirement money they are buying their RETIREMENT HOME with, not a lavish party for you. You are right it’s not worth the fight, and it’s NOT YOUR MONEY to spend. I don’t understand how you can think it’s inappropriate to approach your inlaws and then at the same time don’t think you are the jerk.
You know you are, which is why you didn’t bring your greed up to them because you are trying to avoid damaging your relationship with them for as long as you can… Possibly because you want to go to their beach home, and use the boat.
At least you have that going for you, that you are not being outwardly entitled to anyone other than your potential SO. If they see your entitlement this early, the cost of the wedding may not be the only reason to worry about the wedding.” elvaholt
Another User Comments:
“YTJ I just got married and we paid for our own wedding. I did not expect anything from my parents or my in-laws. Weddings may have been paid for by family in the past, but they also used to trade animals for the bride as part of her dowry.
The point is that we don’t live in a world where it’s reasonable to expect family to pay for most or all of your wedding. They are expensive but people managed to find ways to cut costs. Telling the woman you plan to marry that her parents are cheap because you are not happy with their gift is very ungrateful.
You don’t need to have a lavish wedding if you can’t afford it. There are other alternatives that don’t involve the parents’ shelling out thousands upon thousands of dollars for one day.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Just because the average wedding cost is $17k+ does not mean that is how much you should aim to spend.
From personal experience, my inlaws paid for our reception venue (a very cheap location) and a fun finger food buffet, my mom paid for my dress (this was 20 years ago and it cost about $450), and my dad paid for our photographer. We really budgeted for everything else.
A friend of our family made our cake. We had a cash bar. Rather than flowers we had balloons at the venue and most of our guests were getting tipsy and sucking the helium out of the balloons, it was hysterical. We spent more money on our honeymoon than anything else.
Our wedding day was a party and I sure as heck was not spending thousands on a party. Actually thinking about it, our wedding reception kind of resembled a 10-year-old’s birthday party, but one with booze. We even had a bubble machine. It has been 20 years now and when it’s our anniversary friends still comment on aspects of it and say how much fun they had.
Also, it turns out that if you stick a disposable camera up a man’s kilt, you will get relatively clear photographs. Made for a fun visit to the store when we picked them up after they were developed!!” CakeOrPudding
2. AITJ For Wanting To Be Included In My Partner's Social Outings?
“My partner (M, 26) and I (F, 25) have been together for 4 years now, and social outings have been a continued issue in our relationship.
He likes to go out with his friends 2-3 weekends a month, and he stays out until 4-5 am. He does not invite me to these plans because I’ve told him before that I don’t like going out drinking that frequently, and I don’t like staying out that late.
I’ve learned to deal with this dynamic although I’ve told him before it makes me uncomfortable that he is out drinking for that long and to those early hours of the morning. For me, it’s a safety concern, but he thinks it’s because I don’t trust him or I’m trying to control him.
I’ve explained many times, but I’ve finally given up on it.
Last night he told me that two of his female friends want him to go to a concert with them, just the 3 of them, and that no partners are invited. The concert is around all 3 of their birthdays.
This made me super irritated because it felt disrespectful to be excluded, especially when it’s a birthday celebration. My partner claimed that these two women are his best friends and that they all celebrate their birthdays together every year. However, as I mentioned before, we have been together for 4 years and I’ve never once seen or heard him express any desire or plans to see them for his birthday.
I told him that, and he just said I’m wrong. I then told him that eventually when we are married, I expect to be included in his social outings if I’m his wife, especially when the outings are with other women. I feel that as a married couple, the standard is that you do things together.
He became angry saying how ridiculous it is that I would expect him to include me in every social event and that if he wants to hang out with his friends without me then that should never be an issue. He also felt this was me having a lack of trust and trying to control him.
I’m personally torn because I like to be a progressive person and not conform to gender/societal norms, but I still feel disrespected when other women invite my partner out for social events and do not include me. I’m more lenient with “guys nights,” because I do think you should be able to hang out with your friends, but at the same time I would never make plans with my friends that didn’t include my partner, and I would never hang out alone with other men.
So AITJ for expecting to be invited to social events? Am I overreacting/being too closed-minded about the gender aspect of the issue?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m torn between NTJ and no jerks here. It isn’t wrong to want to go with, and it isn’t wrong to want time with just your friends, buuuuut his time away does seem to be excessive (though I am also not a big drinker, and I can’t think of too many times we’ve kept going past 2 am’s last call.
Which means I may be biased in that opinion). But onto the bigger point: you guys may have different relationship values, and that can be a problem down the road. He’s made it clear that this behavior is normal for him and will continue throughout your relationship with him.
Can you change to be OK with this behavior? Because you cannot change him to suit yourself. If you really think you can become OK with this: trust him, not worry, and not become resentful, then it should be fine enough to just let it go.
If you can’t be totally OK with this, you may want to consider ending the relationship and finding someone whose values better align with your own.
I know some people might think this is a silly thing to break up over, especially after being together for so long, but little things like this that cause constant stress are exactly how relationships sour.
You get anxious and frustrated, which ultimately causes resentment. Resentment and blame that keeps getting fueled by an action as regular as this can very easily become a problem in a relationship. You have to take some time to reflect and see if this is going to become a big issue for you or not.
It isn’t wrong to want to do things with your significant other, or to expect invitations to things, especially considering how frequently he does stuff. Alone time isn’t exactly wrong either, but because it is affecting you and you don’t like it, there is 100% an issue that needs to be addressed.” McChocoboNugget
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk. Your expectations are unrealistic (being included in everything) and so are his (being able to party like he’s single). You two aren’t on the same page and unless you reach some compromise you’ll make each other miserable. His attitude is also a problem.
He doesn’t prioritize you or your relationship. And he doesn’t see a problem with that. He isn’t going to change just because you get married. My friends’ partners didn’t. They do everything while the husbands socialize or play video games. They are absent partners and fathers and my friends are deeply unhappy.
Spare yourself the same fate and break up.” HarlesBronson
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. He is allowed a life that isn’t solely wrapped up in you. That includes spending time with other people without you. And yes this will continue into marriage. It’s perfectly healthy that he enjoys time and space away from you with people he enjoys.
Attempting to be invited or expecting to be invited everywhere one, assumes they want you around. Maybe they don’t. Just like they don’t want their SOs around. And if it’s fine to have a boys’ night with other men, it should then be fine for him to hang out with his other female friends.
This is your sexism coming through. Either you’re okay with him having friends and relationships that don’t involve you or you’re not. And if you’re not you’re just going to have to adjust like you’ve done with his weekends, or end the relationship and her with someone more compatible.
I’d say there’s compromise but he obviously isn’t willing to change. And that may be something you want to consider in your decision as well.” TashiaNicole1
1. AITJ For Not Buying Seltzer Water For My Wife Who Likes It Flat?
“My wife (29f) had a strange preference in water.
She always drinks unflavored seltzer water, but instead of just drinking it normally she opens the cans first and then waits for all the bubbles to fizz out before drinking any of them. It’s just such a waste since she’s essentially drinking regular water at this point but for such a higher price.
My wife always argues that it just tastes fresher and crisper after being left out opened.
I normally do the grocery shopping and last week when I went I did not buy any seltzer. When I got home my wife asked where the seltzer was (she had added it to the shopping list).
When I explained that I hadn’t bought any she immediately went red in the face but didn’t really say anything.
Later that day, I went to the gym and when I got back, our kitchen was decked out with seltzer cans. I could barely open the pantry because there were so many packs of seltzer (there were at least 25 boxes worth).
My wife smugly told me that she had taken several trips to the grocery store because 1 trip wasn’t enough to fit all the seltzer in her car now that she knew I was trying to cut her off.
She told her family about this and they are all calling me a jerk saying I’m depriving my wife of a basic need.”
Another User Comments:
“Flat seltzer does taste different than “plain” water. The dissolved CO2 forms carbonic acid, and that has a certain taste. Most people don’t like the taste, but it seems your wife does. YTJ, OP. If you’re ok with paying for seltzer, what difference does it make how your wife drinks it?” Eastern-Ad-4019
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. What an odd way for your wife to handle this conflict, by buying up a bunch of seltzer and then putting you on blast to her entire family for what should have been a basic conversation between married people?
Why people tell on their adult spouses to their families is beyond me. So childish. Anyway. Buy a soda stream or something; this is a massive waste of money. But more so, have an actual conversation instead of just passive-aggressively acting out against each other.” trashpanda44224422
Another User Comments:
“The pettiness between them is crazy. I am so curious about what other issues they have because this feels like a symptom of a larger dynamic or problem. I loooooove drinking Seltzer (though I don’t wait for it to get flat like OP’s wife).
She isn’t wrong though, flat seltzer does taste the slightest bit different than regular water. I don’t know if I would say fresher or better, but it is different. I was also going to suggest a soda stream. I put a soda stream on our wedding registry and has been really amazing.
She could probably get the flavor she is looking for by using much of the CO2 compared to someone like me who loves lots of bubbles. Another option that is more cost-friendly (although maybe less eco-friendly… single-use plastic which can’t be recycled vs aluminum cans which can), is buying 2 liters of soda water.
She could flatten a whole bunch at once.” ach323
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