People Are Facing Their Issues In These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
24. AITJ For Calling Out My SIL For Ignoring My Wedding Theme?
“I (30s F) got married to my husband (30s M) this July.
Our wedding theme was “Faerie Court”. We only invited close family and friends and asked that they wear jewel-toned dresses and suit jackets.
The wedding was in a sort of forest. We also took photos with almost everyone, not just the wedding party (which only consisted of a best man and a maid of honor).
My SIL (the mid-20s), shows up in a blush pink dress, and her partner in a cream suit jacket.
She thought that that would make her pop I guess (she is an attention seeker, by the testimony of everyone but her mom). The joke was on her, my dress was gold and shimmery, and my husband was in an emerald green jacket. Also, I was wearing a full-on crown, no mistaking who the bride was.
When the photographer asked me if she should photoshop them a bit, to make them blend in more (since we went with a dramatic photo style, that emphasized the deep jewel tones, and the “darkness” of the forest), I told her not to bother, make them look nice, but don’t change the colors or anything like that.
Well, I received the photos 4 days ago. I posted some on my Instagram, and most on social media (since most of our older relatives use it exclusively), and they (SIL and partner) looked so out of place, they were almost washed out.
Then, she had the nerve to comment on my post, it was very passive-aggressive, something along the lines of washing her out to make myself stand out more.
I replied by saying that she washed herself out, by ignoring the wedding theme. She deleted her comment.
But then, we met last night, at my in-laws, it was an accident, not planned or anything. She said pretty much the same thing, I repeated that she was washed out because the photo style we chose emphasized deep colors, that’s why we asked people to wear jewel tones.
It escalated and ended up with me telling her that she looked like garbage in our photos (her complaint) because she was a jealous little woman who thought she could upstage me with a $30 dress the color of diluted pepto. She started crying and left.
Now my MIL says I owe SIL an apology for “publicly shaming her” and well as for insulting her looks. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She messed around & found out. SIL & her partner tried upstaging you & your husband at your wedding.
The photographer offered to Photoshop them, & you refused because the photos remain honest. You didn’t do anything wrong. Don’t apologize to, what appears to be, the golden child. She’ll eventually stop talking to you altogether, so that’s a win-win. Congratulations on your wedding.” GreyJediBug
Another User Comments:
“NTJ She chose what to wear knowing full well what the theme was and what people were asked to wear. She should’ve realized on her own whether she would stand out in a good way or a bad way but hey, she got her wish – she stands out from everybody else” Huggle-Puggle
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She wouldn’t shut up on her own. So you helped her. And this isn’t publicly shaming her. It was in the privacy of your in-laws. Publicly shaming her would be to post the whole drama on social media asking for family and friends to chime in on if you are the jerk for her decision to not follow the dress code… But I’m not nice either.” Foggy_Radish
23. AITJ For Breaking Our Joke Promise To Stay Single?
“I (24f) have been best friends with (24f) Rosie (fake name) since we were like 10. We are both kind of introverts and had a lot of fun together. We were pretty inseparable, schoolmates from elementary to college.
We are also both “no partner since birth”.
Our college friends would often call us virgin marys but we didn’t give a care. Now that we’re both grown up adults, the talk about settling down and having a family is being brought up now in our friend group. But it was always same sentiment for Rosie and I, that we don’t see ourselves having men.
We’re both straight females but I don’t know, the idea of getting together with a man was not an idea we both entertain since then.
We would always joke around that we’ll just get rich and live and grow together with our cats. This is always brought up whenever family members from our families ask why we don’t have a man (our families are close and always hang out).
Rosie would always tag me on social media posts about single women living together in a mansion.
Now, this year, she’s been assigned to a different state for her job. She said that the place has bad signal so it became difficult for us to communicate online.
She got really busy as well and we didn’t find time to update each other anymore. This was also the time that I met Josh (cousin’s new friend). Josh is a funny and caring guy, completely opposite to my shy personality. We’ve hit it off right away and have been officially together for 2 months now.
I wanted to share the exciting news to Rosie when I was starting to see Josh so I texted her about it, which was just delivered and never read.
Now she went back this week and was appalled when she read all my texts about Josh.
She came to me and said I was a traitor. She said I broke our promise about never getting a man. I asked if she’s intoxicated coz I believe we were just joking about that stuff. Apparently, she’s serious about it.
I asked my older sister and she said that promise must be really serious for Rosie, but even she finds it ridiculous.
Rosie now stopped talking to me. She blocked me on all communications and refused to talk. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You were in a relationship with her and broke up with her by getting with someone else. That’s her perspective. What the exact nature of that relationship was I do not know, and I don’t think she does either.
Asking strangers to assign blame here (which is what AITJ does) is pointless. She’s hurt, now you know why, so do with that as you will.” Appropriate-Draft-91
Another User Comments:
“NTJ obviously. People grow up and mature and get on with the life naturally and that’s how it should be… Don’t engrave into stone what you once thought in your teens.
she probably like you just did not find a right man who would find his way into her heart. And that’s fine… I didn’t see a man until I was 29. Doesn’t make me a lesbian…just had different priorities at younger age…I think she felt she had this lifestyle she could share with you and not feel as an odd one out and now she is the last one of the friends and family who doesn’t have a relationship so she is angry because of that.
Don’t take it to heart.” Gauri108
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – this is a great example of life happening. She may have taken the joke a bit more seriously than you, and she is probably hurt/jealous, whether because she sees you in a platonic or romantic way.
She needs to deal with her own emotions without taking it out on you. A true friend would be happy seeing you happy & being treated right – hopefully she just needs to process her emotions.” psych_daisy
22. AITJ For Telling My Neighbor He Can Mow My Lawn If It Bothers Him So Much?
“I (34F) have lived in my house for 2.5 years. It’s just me, my 90-pound dog, and 2 indoor cats.
I have a partner who sleeps over a few nights a week depending on schedules, but we aren’t in the live-together stage yet.
About a year ago my neighbors Steve and Beth moved in with their 9YO son. Beth works full time out of the house while Steve is a stay-at-home dad.
Not knocking this as stay-at-home parents have a hard job but it ties in. I work 3 days in the office and 2 from home. Yesterday was a WFH day for me and I was out back with my dog getting some fresh air between meetings. Steve was in his backyard and we’re friendly enough to say hey or whatever.
Steve is also tall and can see well over the 6-foot privacy fence. He’s not intrusive about it or anything but still. He poked his head over and we made small talk. He had been mowing his lawn and asked if I was “ever going to get around to” mowing my lawn.
I wasn’t sure if I heard him right so I said “What?” and he repeated himself. Now my lawn is not crazy long. We live in Texas and don’t get much rain, coupled with watering restrictions there just isn’t much to keep up with.
Either my partner or I usually mow every 2ish weeks on Saturday mornings. He loves mowing so if he can come do it I let him. I told Steve that it was going to get done today and his response was “You don’t look too busy right now, what’s stopping you.” I responded that it was the middle of the work day (around 1 pm) and that I had several more meetings and reports to handle and couldn’t just skip out for the rest of the day.
His response to this was to call me lazy and remind me of HOA violation potential. I told him a day wouldn’t make a difference and if it bothered him so much he was free to mow my lawn for me. He told me there was no need to be a jerk and he was “just looking out for me.” I wished him a nice day and my dog and I went back into the house.
I feel like he started this entire exchange but when I told my partner he told me I should have just walked away. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I would add a few feet to the privacy fence. The dude was a jerk, plain and simple.
He wasn’t “just trying to look out for you.” He was trying to make you do what he wanted on his schedule. This is why HOAs should be outlawed. They’re a way for bored, power-hungry jerks to try to control the lives of their neighbors.” BetweenWeebandOtaku
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I wouldn’t invite this jerk onto your property to mow or do anything else. He needs to mind his own business and you may need to remind him of that if he keeps pushing. Edit: removing comment to tell him if he didn’t like it to take it to the HOA – that was stupid!” NGDGUnpunished
Another User Comments:
“Right. Shut this man down now. Speak to his wife. Explain it’s not appropriate to spy over the fence. Do not let him start with the remarks or you’re going to end up with neighbors from unpleasantness. Trust me. Speak to his wife.
Explain that you are WFH. You want to be able to relax in your garden with your dog how you want without being disturbed or harassed. Do it now else it’s going to get far worse” Admiral_Falco_88
21. AITJ For Not Serving Meat to My Guests or Eating It at Their Homes?
“I (46f) have been a vegan (for the past 29 years) and my husband (60m) is a vegetarian, we and our children eat vegan food at home (the children mostly choose vegan food and never meat or fish when they are out, but they are old enough to make choices like that for themselves), we are both very good cooks (hubby is a chef), so when guests come over or come to stay we enjoy making nice meals.
When people who normally eat meat come we often will make food that is more familiar style for them rather than say a lentil stew that might appeal to vegetarians more.
If guests are staying for a few days we will get cheese and eggs and milk and even tuna fish but I never cook with those things as I have no clue how to anyway guests are welcome to have a boiled egg, tuna mayo sandwich, or whatever for a snack or breakfast. We also do not serve drinks (or have any in the house as I am a recovering addict and my hubby doesn’t drink).
This past summer my father and his wife said that we are unwelcoming to guests because we don’t serve them meat and that makes it “literal discomfort” to them (yes that is a quote) and that we were forcing them to not eat meat even when we visit them.
Now it is true that they kindly cook vegan food for us but we made it clear that they can eat whatever they want to in their own home but we chose to be vegan/vegetarian.
I compared it to my addiction, – that we don’t use drinks at home or in other people’s homes but they are free to do whatever they want.
But they insisted that we are unreasonable and wrong to not eat meat when we are visiting them or them visiting us, that we are therefore “forcing our values on them”.
Fwiw, my primary reason for being a vegan is to reduce my risk of cardiovascular disease and cancer, etc. which both run in my family (my father has already had two heart attacks and I want to significantly reduce my risk).”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m not vegan or vegetarian myself but I’ll NEVER understand people like this. Are they gonna die if they don’t eat meat for a day? I don’t think so. They should respect you and your lifestyle instead of behaving like babies.
They’d probably be mad at someone with a nut allergy for not serving them peanuts or a Muslim for not serving pork. You’re not in the wrong at all!” IllustratorDouble699
Another User Comments:
“NTJ in the slightest, and can I say that your flexibility on these matters is STUNNING.
Between the kids ‘being old enough to make their own choices’ and buying animal products and even meat for guests??? You’re an absolute dear, and your dad/his wife are being massive babies. It is not ‘absolute discomfort’ to not have someone else prep meat for you.
If they’re dying, just go get lunch at a burger joint. They’re adults. They should start behaving as such.” xJunoBugx
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! The solution is easy “We no longer feel comfortable inviting you into our home given your rudeness and insults on your last visit.
We would be happy to meet you somewhere outside of our home, and if for a meal somewhere that will cater to all of our choices and preferences.” And if invited to theirs “we do not feel comfortable with the fact you have accused us of “forcing” you to forgo meat in your own home.
We would be happy to meet you somewhere outside of your home, and if for a meal somewhere that will cater to all of our choices and preferences.” pandora840
20. AITJ For Not Wanting To Babysit My Siblings Constantly Despite My Mental Health Issues?
“I (15) M have had 3 baby brothers born in the last 3 years. My family isn’t the most affluent on the planet but we get by living in a 2 bedroom apartment.
Throughout the 3 years, I’ve constantly had to watch them all the time, and have even been referred to as “mama” or “dada” by them.
My mom picked up on shifts at the bar and hasn’t been home very often, and I’ve been babysitting them non-stop, hardly having any time to go hang out with my friends or see them.
I’m taking some advanced classes which takes up more time because I have to study and make sure I know all the information before a test. She always works at the bar from 6-2:30 am, even on school nights.
The other day I voiced my concerns about getting worse mentally because I’ve been so distracted by my brothers that my mental health has been pushed to the side (I have bipolar, depression, and anxiety) I recently voiced to my mom that I don’t want to watch my brothers who, the oldest being 3, the next one going to be 2 next week and the other almost 1, are slowly running my mental health into the ground.
I’ve had problems with my mental health and not being able to focus on myself has been hard.
When I was talking to my mom(37 F) I voiced this to her and told her that I don’t want to watch my brothers and lose out on the experience of being a teenager because I’m too concerned about if my brothers ate, or if they slept, or if their diapers are clean to focus on myself.
My stepdad, (37 M) butt into our conversation and told me it was my job as their sibling to help out. If I was just helping out it would only be for a few hours and not every night for over 8 hours. I feel more like a parent to my little brothers and with my mother being pregnant again I guess I just felt set off.
I told my mom, “Maybe you shouldn’t have had kids if you can’t even care for them.” And then both my mom and stepdad blew up and told me I didn’t care about them and that I was blowing this out of proportion and I was being dramatic.
So…am I dramatic or AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They are using you and depriving you of a normal life. It is NOT your job to be a caregiver to your brothers. Your mom and stepdad are both wrong – saying that you don’t care about them is ridiculous.
So sorry that you’re in this situation and hope that there will be a way out for you.” Initial728
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Your job is to be a student and study, not raise the babies your mother and stepfather decided to have that they can’t afford.
The year is 2023. It is not 1923, when as an older sibling you’d be an additional parent.… although in 1923 you’d not be an additional parent because you are male. You’d be expected to work outside the home and contribute to the family bills.
Either way, you are not the parent.” Algebralovr
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What is happening to you is called “parentification” and is a form of child mistreatment. You are acting as your brothers’ parent, and it feels awful because it is awful and wrong. If foster care is in the picture, then I take it that CPS is already involved. That may be the best option, or moving in with your friend.
There is a saying on Reddit: “Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.” That is what your mom and stepdad are expecting you to do–sacrifice your mental health, education, and teen years to take care of THEIR responsibilities, and it’s just not sustainable.
You’re burning out, and you need another solution. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. You need to call in some adult professionals to help you out, like your doctor, school counselor, etc. You and your future are worthwhile and valuable, and outside people need to step in and give you options, other than throwing your life away to take care of your little brothers.
Good luck, OP! I am pulling for you! Keep us updated with what happens.” chart1961
19. AITJ For Warning My Friend About a Toxic Ex-Coworker?
“I (f35) worked with Zoey (f34) for 10 years. I have a college degree in my field, therefore I was qualified. Zoey on the other hand, didn’t and was hired to answer phones. I right away noticed the potential Zoey had, therefore, I trained and taught her everything I know about my job and convinced my boss to let her transfer to my department.
As a result, she ended up with a better position and a much higher pay than when she was answering phones. I am not taking full credit for this because she is a very intelligent and responsible person. She just didn’t have the experience. For the next couple of years, we were a great team and became “friends” until I found out there was not a single person in the office she wasn’t bad-mouthing me to.
Even saying that my boss and I were having an affair. (My boss always asked for my opinion on things because he trusted me. I earned that trust fair and square, it wasn’t because there was any other interest from either side of us as we are both married) This girl created so much drama in the workplace and somehow managed to make herself look like the victim.
She thought she was indispensable and tried to quit thinking the boss was going to negotiate with her to stay, but only the boss accepted her resignation. (I found this out after the fact, she didn’t even tell me she was quitting.) Come today, I ran into an old college friend.
We went out to catch up on things and turns out they had just hired a new person. Zoey. Well, I told her I knew her, what happened at the office, and to just be careful with her. Due to the character limit, I am not able to go into details, but she ended up being let go.
She somehow found out I knew one of her new co-workers and completely blamed me for losing that job. She told a mutual friend, who sent me a long text about what a jerk I am because Zoey is having financial difficulties and I should’ve just kept my mouth shut.
Maybe she is right but I intended to warn my college friend, not to get Zoey fired as I didn’t think that would happen. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
” NTJ – If you’re friends enough to want to go catch up with a person when you randomly run into them, you are friends enough to warn them about a toxic ex-co-worker.
I wish I had heeded the warnings we got before my ex-boss started at my old company, as it would have saved me and my friends in that company a lot of heartache if we had bailed much earlier than we did.” AproposOfDiddly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But it seems unlikely that a company that you have no direct connection with would have fired her based on your word alone. And given her history of causing problems with you, it’s fair to consider that it’s possible she continued in the same way with her new place of employment.
I guess we’ll never know though.” ajjablue
18. AITJ For Not Allowing My Fiancé's Daughter's Partner To Move Into My House?
“My (42yo) fiance (37yo) wants her daughter (18yo in high school) to move back home, home being my house. My fiance had personal issues for the last 8 years and lost custody of her daughter at the beginning of those issues before I met her.
For the past 5 years, she/we have worked hard to get her back on track and now doing very well. So well in fact that her daughter who was about to turn 18 at the time decided it was the right time to come live with mom, at my house.
Well, that lasted all of a month when her daughter decided she was old enough to make her own decisions. Decided to move out and in with her partner (20yo) despite the pleas of her mom. Was an absolute mess.
Hateful and horrible things were said.
Just bad. She moved into where her partner lives and without saying too much, it’s not a good place and some sketchy stuff goes on there. But as the daughter said at the time, she’s 18 and an adult. We can’t stop her. Fast forward 4 months.
The daughter and partner don’t like where they live. Mom now wants her daughter to come back home but she wants her to be able to bring her partner too. She won’t come home without her partner Mom says. I say no. The daughter can come home but she’s not bringing her partner.
Absolutely no. I don’t agree with the situation at all. The daughter is still in high school, has no business moving in with a guy, and has made her own decision. I’m not going to be a part of it or support it. Daughter, yes.
Partner, no. Not that it matters, but it’s my home. I pay every bill. I ask for no support. I get no financial help from my fiance, but I give support. Not that it matters, I’d still say no to the partner.
Even if she were my blood daughter.
This decision seems like the dealbreaker between me and my fiance. She says we should help them out for a few months, and help them get started. I still say no. I’m not the cause nor the answer to the situation. By denying my daughter’s partner to live at my house, she will not come home.
Mom thinks I’m a jerk who could have helped them get out of a bad situation and got her daughter home. Now I’m questioning AITJ.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t approve of this, so you don’t have to support it. For a woman living rent-free, she sure has a lot of demands.
But you are seeing what marrying this woman would be like. If you don’t placate her, she will emotionally manipulate you, since it seems she is making this out to be a dealbreaker. Maybe you should let it be one” cuervoguy2002
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Unfortunately, this young woman will be learning a lot from the School of Hard Knocks because she lacked a lot of guidance and boundaries in her teenage years. Given some more time and your line in the sand, she will likely ask to move in with you guys without this partner.
I expect that will go as well the second time around as it did the first.” justmeraw
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are 100% right. It’s not your problem to solve. You were very nice to let her move back in. She is too young and immature to live with a guy.
The “I’m 18, I’m an adult” is nonsense when you don’t work and are still in school. Letting them both move in would be a disaster! They would never leave, would take advantage of you, and would turn your house and life a nightmare. If this is a dealbreaker with/to your fiance, good!!
Better now than after the wedding! She’s acting like this is, in fact, her house too and like you own something to her daughter. I would, seriously, consider this engagement and wedding.” ExpressionMundane244
17. AITJ For Not Wanting To Attend My Partner's Coworker's Out-Of-State Wedding?
“My (29M) partner (28F) was invited to a coworker’s wedding in a few months and I told her I did not want to go because it would be inconvenient and not something that I was excited about.
The bride is a coworker at my partner’s job. She and my partner are not particularly close. However, my partner is a shy, quiet person and often feels bad that she is not closer to the group at her job and does not have a lot of friends.
She said that she thinks it is an honor to get invited to a wedding.
The wedding is out of state and would therefore cost money for travel and a hotel. I told her that I didn’t want to go with her to the wedding because I didn’t want to spend so much money on something I was not excited about.
I have no interest in going to the city and I won’t know anyone there except for her (although I have briefly met some of her coworkers). I told her that if the wedding was not so far away or if this was a more important wedding for someone she was close with like her sister or best friend then I would go.
I also do not want to use one of my few (3/year) personal days off from work on a wedding for a coworker that we’re not close to / don’t know well.
She got upset because she thought she should be able to rely on me to be her wedding date and that it should be fun to travel with her to go to a big fancy party.
She already requested the day off and has been talking about it intermittently since the save the date came months ago. She has been tracking airfare on a travel website for months too (though I never told her that I would go, and indicated that I wasn’t excited about it when she brought it up in the past).
She said that she would see if another coworker whom she’s slightly closer with was going, and if so, try to go with her. If not, she will just RSVP no because she does not want to travel and go to the wedding alone.
AITJ for telling my partner I don’t want to go to her coworker’s out-of-state wedding even though my partner does want to go?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You can choose to go or not. But to your partner, this is probably not about the wedding, it’s about your partner and her anxiety and feeling like she’s finally becoming part of the group.
She wants you to be her rock and be able to depend on you. You need to decide how much you value being that person- not how much you don’t value her coworker’s wedding.” No_Location_5565
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here but just know that just as you are choosing not to be there for your partner when she needs you (to her going to this wedding us about her social anxiety and trying to be better at connecting with people) you can’t hold it against her when she’s not there for you when you need it or if she considers this something that she might not get over.” TheStraggletagg
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Do you get three personal days a year? First, that’s obscene in and of itself. Secondly, it’s not fair to ask you to use 1 of 3 days to go to a wedding for people you do not know. Switch a shift around, maybe, but time off is precious in this day and age, and essentially wasting it to accompany her will screw you over in the future.
I get she has anxiety, but weddings for people you barely know are simply not this important (and she was likely only invited to be an extra gift, speaking from experience there)” No_Chemical_9721
16. AITJ For Asking My Sister Not To Bring Her Service Dog To My Wedding Due To My Fiancée's Allergy?
“I (32m) am getting married to my long-term partner Gemma (30f) at the end of November.
Now Gemma and I are having a small wedding with only close family and friends invited mainly because we don’t want it to be an inconvenience to others and choosing a venue is hard due to Gemma’s allergy.
Gemma is allergic to dogs and is terrified of them due to a freak accident when she was younger (that’s also when she found out she is allergic to them). While her allergy is not deadly, even when taking anti-allergies her face would get significantly swollen, and have red marks all over it that are visible even with heavy makeup up and she would constantly sneeze.
And to the issue. My sister “Kate” has diabetes and has a service dog “Lenny” to help her. I adore him and Gemma is not scared of him either, however, due to Gemma’s allergies I have reminded Kate not to take Lenny to our wedding (I was dropping some parcels for her this week as she was away and they were sent to my house) as I believe my future wife should be able to enjoy her day without the swelling, which would be hard to avoid due to the venue being quite small and private (Gemma gets the reaction even if there’s a dog in the same supermarket even if it doesn’t touch her).
My sister has been reminded he is a service animal and I can’t ask her not to take him, but I have told her he is still a dog, and being a service animal doesn’t miraculously cancel my wife’s allergies and she knew about them from the start.
I’m not asking not to take him to any family get-togethers, I am just asking not to take him to our wedding.
My sister and my mum both called me a jerk and are not talking to me and have threatened not to come to the wedding, which I said is fine as I value my wife’s comfort more.
But still AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I feel for your sister but your future wife has a right to have a wedding and photos without having an “allergic hive face”!!! ” (Gemma gets the reaction even if there’s a dog in the same supermarket even if it doesn’t touch her).
” For this one time allergies trump service dog.” Comfortable-Sea-2454
Another User Comments:
“NTJ There are ways for your sis to check her blood sugar without her service dog like before she got him. But there is no way for your wife to be allergy-free when the dog is there.
So the sis has a medical alternative, but your future wife does not. And overall she can decide to just stay home. It is the bride’s wedding and she has a right to have a day without coughing and swellings and to have nice memories to look back to.
Sis is just a guest. I never understand how they pull others in it.” EvilFinch
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. From what you’ve said your wife doesn’t complain at family functions. Which is nice of her but her wedding is a day when she shouldn’t have to worry about the dog and her face will be immortalized in pictures forever so of course she wants to look her best. Understandably, the dog is useful to your diabetic sister but, as you’ve said, it has no impact on your wife’s allergy.
She might have to sit this one out if she can’t function without the dog. Your mom would be the jerk if she persists and doesn’t go to your wedding though. Good job supporting your wife.” Dangerous-Emu-7924
15. AITJ For Feeling Manipulated by My Grieving Partner?
“My partner and I have been in a long-term relationship for over 15 years.
He has been suffering from depression since his parents passed away, and his mother most recently nearly a year ago. I feel like I bend over backward to support him both financially and emotionally, even to the detriment of my daughter. She is all grown up and has her flat but still would need her mum.
He isn’t working and I work from home so he is the only person other than work that I interact with.
I took a week off and tried to arrange some time with my daughter but she wasn’t feeling well on the day we chose, so we said we would do it another time and the rest of my week off my time was taken up doing things with my partner.
Skip to this weekend, I decided I wanted to take my daughter for a Sunday Dinner. I told my partner well in advance my plans. Cut to today, Sunday, I am on the phone and my daughter says I’m sorry Mum I’m running late.
I say not to worry it’s Sunday, I’m not watching the clock, to just get ready and I’d be with her in half an hour. My partner starts saying tell her to come here, she can have her dinner here and dictate.
I just lost it and said he was welcome to join us if he wanted but that I was going to continue the plans I had made with my daughter. Once confronted, he backed down saying he was merely suggesting that she was going to be late.
I left it at that and spent time with my daughter and had a nice time. On the drive home, I was thinking about what happened. He was not suggesting, he was telling me what to do, he was dictating loudly. I got home and when the opportunity came I tried to talk to him about it, he cut me off saying that he was having a hard time that day missing his mom and ending any conversation.
I immediately felt he used his grief and his condition to silence me. I couldn’t bring myself to even sit in the same room as him and ended up going to bed early feeling like I was being manipulated and used.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You are not a licensed healthcare professional. His mother has been gone for a year. Since he’s not coping well, he needs to find a grief support group to help him with what he’s going through. He might feel better if he got a job so he didn’t have so much time to mope.
Strongly suggest he look for employment. Do NOT allow yourself to be manipulated by his “poor me” demeanor. Do what you want to do and let him deal with it. Good Luck” QuinGood
Another User Comments:
“Is your partner getting therapy? Does he have a psychiatrist working on medications?
When a person is depressed to the point of not working and harming their relationships, they have a responsibility to work towards getting better. That can take time, but they need to put in the effort. The people in their lives can be asked to bend and help in the immediate crisis, but in the long term, they need to get back to carrying their weight in their relationships.
NTJ.” KaliTheBlaze
Another User Comments:
“I’m not sure if I am missing something here but, it sounds like he just made a simple suggestion and you snapped at him. It can be exhausting to be the emotional and financial support for someone when they are hurt or grieving, but from the story, it doesn’t seem like he did anything wrong??” Prudent_Fold190
14. AITJ For Publicly Calling Out My Aunt After She Blamed My Child for Ruining a Family Heirloom?
“2 years ago, DH, me & our 3 kids drove from NE to OK for Thanksgiving. Marty, my great aunt, started a tradition of embroidering our signatures on a tablecloth. My 9 y/o had learned cursive and asked if she could sign her name, to which I agreed. She goes to sign her name & unbeknownst to me, Marty walks over to her, yanks the marker out of her hand, & tells her not to touch it again.
I had no idea this happened until the next day when I received a nasty msg from Marty saying she found my dtr with/ the marker & saw a huge line all around the tablecloth. There were activity tables nearby full of crayons & markers for kids, so I apologized, thinking she mistook that cloth for the play table.
I also said instead of a nasty msg, she should’ve come to me right then, that I would’ve addressed it.
This did not suffice Marty. She went on a rant about raising her kids better, & a few other jabs attacking my kids & parenting.
(She has only ever been around my kids on Thanksgiving, never a problem before). I stopped her and told her enough, to NEVER speak to me or about my kids like that again. The cherry on top? Hours later my uncle called her to say his toddler grandson drew the large line!
Instead of apologizing, she blocks me and digs her heels in. I posted a meme about how it’s sad when the family doesn’t speak to each other until someone dies. One line in particular mentioned aunts not speaking to nieces & found it suss when my aunt’s dtr, who is not friendly at all, liked it.
It sparked a few of side conversations, then to the family group chat I left because Marty admin’s it.
I was not able to defend myself there, so I made a public post and laid it all on the table. It is now being said that because of ME, after 55 years of attending, Marty nor her kids will be coming.
(They make up a decent part of the guests.) I’m not going, but I decided that 2 years ago. AITJ for publicly calling them out and therefore ruining Thanksgiving? My grandpa is the patriarch, the sweetest person alive. He works hard to keep everyone together, so I feel some guilt because of my love for him.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you didn’t divide the family. Marty divided the family. She shouldn’t expect something of value to survive small children with markers. Either the high-value item is kept off limits and out of reach, or no markers are allowed at the event.
This scenario is like someone getting mad for being splashed while they are in or near and swimming pool. Recipe for disaster. Sounds like grandpa tried to fix it by taking the blame so Marty couldn’t blame you, but Marty only wants to continue being nasty.” Just-Contribution418
Another User Comments:
“ESH. You because you agreed to let your child write on a family heirloom with a marker and then apparently did not think you needed to supervise it? Then afterward you posted a passive-aggressive message on social media looking for attention Marty because of the obvious way she handles everything” ThrowRA-Scale8960
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for telling your child to write on the tablecloth without asking first. What were you thinking?! It’s inappropriate to write on a tablecloth unless you are specifically told to. It doesn’t matter that signatures get embroidered. I don’t know about raising kids better, but your parents missed some basic manners.” holisarcasm
13. AITJ For Not Wanting My SIL To Use My Good Towels?
“My husband’s brother lives out of state with his family and they come a few times a year to visit, either staying with MIL or with us. For the most part, I love having them here.
My issue might seem like a petty one but it’s been going on for so long now it feels malicious.
I don’t know, maybe I’m insane, that’s why I’m here. So we have a bathroom in the foyer where I keep my “good” towels meant for hand washing/to look pretty. A couple of years ago when we first started this again after a difficult period, SIL went into that bathroom (instead of the guest bath stocked for her family) and would use these towels to clean off her makeup, leaving black stains all over them.
I didn’t even realize this until after they left because she’d stuffed them all in the laundry basket and then replaced them. The next time they came I made sure to stock their bathroom with plenty of other towels and said these are for drying our hands only, I made it a thing where I was like showing the kids but made sure she heard.
Same thing, she used them to clean up when her kids spilled stuff, wipe her makeup, etc. I went to Target and bought a bunch of small towels and said to BIL feel free to use these. The only time he had used them was when one of the kids cut themselves badly and I understood that because it was an emergency (but also rip beautiful white towel).
So then the last time they were here a few months ago I didn’t even put out the good white towels. And the second day she’d gone into the linen closet and pulled some out. She said she won’t get makeup on them but that all the other towels irritate her skin.
Now they’re talking about coming for the holidays and I said to my husband she has to promise not to use my good towels. My husband asked am I was serious and I said yes, seriously. He said oh so he should have just let the kid bleed and I said I didn’t care that time but SIL uses them I feel like on purpose.
I said either tell them that or I’m hiding the towels and then you’ll see and he thinks I’m nuts.
AITJ”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but rather than banning them, can you hide your good towels? Like hide them well and don’t tell your husband where they are.
I guess that your SIL will throw a massive fit. When she claims the towels you are providing irritate her skin, politely tell her she is free to go buy different towels or to stay in a hotel. I think she knows she is ruining your towels and she doesn’t care.
Is she a jealous type of person?” neoncactusfields
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but simply remove her access to your good towels. Bag them up and put them on the trunk of your car if needed. There’s more going on here. It sounds like she is jealous of you or your home.
Is there a financial or lifestyle discrepancy between your households? Your SIL is intentionally ruining your towels. What else is she doing when you’re not watching? If they come back, I’d install cameras in the common areas.” AdOne8433
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you put out towels and other necessities as a proper host should.
Your SIL then went hunting for these specific towels. No guest, unless given express permission, should be going through your closets. If your SIL needs a particular type of material (does she specify) then maybe you can find an inexpensive towel made of that material, or she needs to bring her makeup towels.
If you want to see if this is malicious or she is a snoop. Put the towels away in a place where it makes no sense for them to be before she arrives. Think drawer, nightstand drawer, office drawer, file cabinet. Places where no one would think to look for towels, but also shouldn’t be looking in either.” sailorangel59
12. AITJ For Asking My Parents To Choose Between Me and My Angry, Unstable Brother?
“My brother (37 M), who is two years older than me, has had anger and rage issues since he was about 11-12. My parents honestly were not aware or equipped to get him the kind of help he needed as a kid and since then he has only got worse.
So much so, that he is unpredictable even in public settings and gets triggered easily. Most of his friends and extended family have distanced themselves from him, and about 5-6 years ago, I chose to set some hard boundaries when I started experiencing symptoms of PTSD myself due to years of dealing with my brother’s emotional outbursts.
Mind you, these are not normal tantrums. These are draining and emotionally wrecking and leave me completely shaken and unable to function.
My parents otherwise have been wonderful. Happy childhood, strong values, freedom to become my own person, and so far, unhindered support whenever we needed it.
My mother (72), however, has not been able to accept my decision and keeps pushing for a reconciliation (one of my boundaries is that I will not spend a night under the same roof as him). My brother has had a patchy employment history because of his issues and refuses to seek help.
He has also developed associated drinking issues.
This time when I went to visit my parents, my mother broke down in tears and called me a jerk for causing her continued stress and pain for not reconciling with my brother. She also told me that he will be homeless and out of work soon and he will come to stay with them until he finds some other alternative and even if he doesn’t, he has a place with them forever, as their son.
She then proceeded to ask me what living arrangements would I be making when I visit them next. I was crushed. To me, it sounded like my brother always has a place in their home and I don’t, and I told her that. She blamed my rule of not staying under the same roof as the cause of trouble and told me that I needed to be responsible for it since I imposed it.
I have since asked my mother clearly to make a choice – confront my brother or run the risk of having me stop visiting them completely. She can either choose to host him and I don’t visit them in my family home again, or simply ask my brother to make alternate arrangements for the week or so in a year that I visit them.
They visit me for a couple of weeks every year and they are more than welcome to continue I am with them for everything else but I would not be going to their home anymore. Am I the jerk for demanding that from my parent?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You see with parents, the child who follows rules is sorted, gets their Ts crossed, etc is the one who is always going to be at a disadvantage. Parents have this embedded software that forces them to try and equalize stuff among kids by even overdoing things.
I’ve heard that having a good job, a stable family, etc should make it OK for me to watch them coddle the sister who can’t hold jobs or relationships. They don’t get how they’re punishing me for my efforts and rewarding her lack of. Your parents think they’re doing him a favor by cushioning his fall when in reality, he could use some tough love.
The mess is best left alone and instead of cutting off your mom, stick to your boundaries but be kind.” palmam
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- if the brother is that violent and has that poor of control, parents are doing no favors to themselves or the family by moving him in.
You can’t be blamed for not wanting to step into such a dynamic. Well-intentioned plan, full of big protective parental emotions, but it’s going to create more problems in the long run, and throwing yourself into that mix is just adding gasoline to the fire.
It sounds like he needs a long-term treatment facility for both his anger issues and drinking problems.” grokeros
11. AITJ For Not Attending A Wedding Because They Didn't Want My Newborn There?
“I, 25F, and my husband, 25M, have two children, 3F and 7weeks F.
Our good friends from college invited us to their wedding back around the same time we found out we were pregnant with our second child. During the pregnancy, we had all hung out multiple times and had mildly talked about how we would have a newborn at their wedding.
Months passed and when we got the official invite with the RSVP I put 2 adults and a newborn. I decided to find a sitter for my older daughter so we didn’t have to travel the 4 hours with both kids. I had planned to go to the ceremony with my husband and newborn, stay for dinner, and then leave shortly after while my husband stayed to party with all of our friends.
I had even made plans to go to breakfast with my cousin so he could sleep in and help with cleaning up in the morning.
Well, a week before the wedding my husband told me that the groom had pulled him aside during the bachelor party and told him his fiancé would rather we just not come if we had to bring our newborn because her being there would ruin the party for people.
I was super hurt when I heard this and canceled our hotel reservation. I wasn’t going to say anything to them about it so it didn’t put a damper on their special day. Well at 2:30 am after the wedding the bride messaged me asking why we weren’t there.
I told her it was mentioned to us that our newborn being there might not be wanted and we decided to sit this one out. She got upset and said it wasn’t that they didn’t want her there it was more the fact that we should’ve asked their permission to bring her since kids are not invited to weddings anymore.
There was nothing on the invitation saying kids were not welcome and I pointed that out to her. She said we were rude and acting entitled for just assuming we could bring our newborn without the host’s permission and we should’ve communicated with them other than writing on the RSVP card.
Had the invitation said anything about it being a kid-free wedding I would’ve of course talked to them or made other arrangements (me not go) but it didn’t so I had no idea anything was wrong. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“It’s my understanding that only the people whose names are on the invitation are invited. Back in the day, wedding invites had two envelopes. The other one with the mailing address and such, and the inner one with the actual invitees. So my family might get an invite addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Name Name, while the inside envelope would have Dad Name, Mom Name, Kid Name, Kid Name.
Is that not a thing anymore?” BaffledMum
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You didn’t do anything wrong. You respected the groom’s wishes. If he didn’t run it by the bride, that’s on him. Don’t let it bother you. It was just one day! Bride-now-wife can just get over it if she wants you as a friend.
If not, good riddance–go enjoy your day, and your life.” dg__875
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you spoke with them about having a newborn at the wedding for months. If they had a problem with that, they had plenty of time and opportunities to let you know they’d prefer only you and your husband.
It’s not up to the guests to assume the rules of the wedding, that is up to the bride and groom to get the information out ahead of time. And then, instead of talking to you about it, they send your husband as the messenger.
I’m starting to wonder how much they value you as a friend with all this needless, behind-the-back, middle school drama.” DangerCactusWasTaken
10. AITJ For Not Leaving Work To Drive My Sister-In-Law To The Hospital While She Was In Labor?
“I (24M) am still living with my parents until my house is ready, but I don’t live for free.
My brother (36M) lived with his wife and when she got pregnant, he had to work overseas for an indefinite period talking to my parents, they decided that my SIL would stay with us so she wouldn’t be alone during the pregnancy and labor. No parents are alive from her side.
I don’t have a close relationship with my SIL.
Last Thursday, my parents were out of town to run some errands and I was at my job which is 10 minutes from home. My SIL is without a car.
Things about my work: I am a lawyer; some months of the year, I have a jury as the main lawyer; There is no prohibition on the use of cell phones, but I can’t use them all the time ; , in cases, as the main lawyer in the case, there is no chance of me leaving in the middle.
This happened last Thursday.
My SIL called my phone so I hung up the call and she sent me several messages that demanded that I go home as she was in labor and needed someone to take her.
I said I was working and couldn’t leave for the next hour, but that she could call an Uber or ask a friend for help because I couldn’t at the moment.
She seemed irritated and replied: “Your nephew will be born, your work can wait to help more families”
Me “I’m sorry, but I’m busy and I can’t”
Her: “Don’t you think your nephew isn’t more important than this?”
Me, without patience and needing to focus: “Not right now, ask someone else for help.”
I turned off the phone and in fact, it took a whole day.
My nephew is healthy, and my SIL got a ride with a friend of hers who lives “close” (15 minutes) to home.
I am being criticized by my parents and brother for refusing to help her and choosing my service and even though I say it was unfortunate because it was just the only day in 3 months that I couldn’t help that she went into labor, it didn’t do any good because they are saying that I showed my true colors and that it was clear that my work comes first.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You aren’t close to your SIL. Your brother impregnated his wife. He’s working overseas. Your parents understandably moved her in. I don’t know if you had input into it, but it kinda matters. You aren’t living in the house for free.
Your job doesn’t allow you to leave. So your parents, brother, and SIL had no plans for labor? Just call OP if it happens, knowing your job won’t allow you to get away. Did anyone ask you prior? There are so many mess-ups in this situation.
No one had a game plan. Oh, my water broke, better not call the EMTs. Everyone just winging it. What a mess and I’m sorry you’re now the scapegoat. What a disaster.” workswithglass
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Oh the hypocrisy to accuse YOU of putting work first when **the FATHER of kid put his work before the birth of his child!** Keep asking “Where was the father?” “Where was the father?” Every time they accuse you of putting YOUR work first. Also, if SIL is so close to labor, why did BOTH parents have to run out-of-town errands?
Seems like 1 should’ve stayed behind since you were working. Sure – I get why the family was upset at first, but it was a communal mess up with zero contingency planning – that’s on everyone. Well, everyone except OP.” AppropriateScience71
Another User Comments:
“Why aren’t your parents blaming themselves for not staying home? They invited her to stay. Errands could have been done another day, or one of them could have gone. Why didn’t they work out with her someone else to be ‘on call’ for her, when they know your work has days you cannot leave?
Their errands aren’t more important than your work. NTJ. This wasn’t your fault. They should not be blaming you.” blueberryyogurtcup
9. AITJ For Challenging My Cousin's Academic Standing After Her Parents Kept Bragging?
“We’re both seniors in high school and live in different states. My family went to her state for a wedding which is when this whole thing blew up. At the wedding, her parents were bragging to everyone that she was in the top 10 of her class.
This didn’t bother me until they started asking the cousins who are high school age what their rank is. I was very annoyed at this because I’m in the middle of my class but I go to one of the top high schools in my state.
It’s so good that it’s well-known that the top 10 usually go to Ivy League schools.
Anyway, I tried to ignore them but eventually, her father came to our table to talk to my parents. Of course, he brought up her top 10 standings then turned to me and asked mine.
I answered I didn’t know which made him laugh and told me that he bet it was not the top 25% or else I would know. I was about to say something but my mom pinched my thigh hard to where I had to look at her.
The entire thing put me in a bad mood for the rest of the night. When we got back to our hotel, I spent the night looking up her high school and found a bunch of articles about how bad her school district is. I found an article that stated fewer than 10 students in her entire school were proficient at math.
I laughed hard, saved those articles, and then went to sleep.
The next day at family dinner, almost everyone was there when her parents started up with it again. I pulled up some example SAT math questions and challenged her to complete them.
The short of it is she didn’t get any right, her parents yelled at my parents, my parents yelled at me, and dinner was ruined. She later texted in our cousin’s group chat that I’m a jerk for putting her on the spot and I replied that it’s easy being in the top 10 when everyone else is an idiot.
We’re home now and my parents want me to smooth things over by apologizing to the rest of the family and specifically to my cousin for putting her on the spot. I don’t want to but Dad told me that Grandpa is going to ban us from the Christmas gathering unless I do.
I don’t want to.”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here, except your cousin. It was her parent’s bragging, not her. Her parents are jerks for bringing you into it, they could have just been proud of their daughter without comparing her to anyone.
Your parents are jerks for not defending you and for wanting you to take insults quietly. You’re a jerk for embarrassing your cousin for what her parents did. You’re the least jerk out of the three since you were only defending yourself, but the way you did it wasn’t good.
You could have just compared the schools instead.” Jatulintarha
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here. Your uncle is an uninformed fool. But you didn’t humiliate just him. From what you said, your cousin wasn’t going around blowing her horn, her parents were. Your little math quiz made her look bad.
You knew that your uncle’s boat was based on faulty ground, you should have ignored him. But you chose to throw your cousin under the bus.” Accomplished_Two1611
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here, except for your cousin (unless she gloated as her parents bragged to everyone about her ranking).
But of all the jerks here, you are the least. Of course, your cousin’s parents are number one for trying to humiliate others (it sounds like you weren’t the only one put on the spot). Your parents get some blame because they allowed your uncle to harass you without any intervention, not once (the wedding), but twice (the family dinner).
Your grandfather for expecting you to apologize to everyone when ignoring the behavior of your cousin’s parents which started this whole thing – at a wedding when the focus should be on the bride and groom, and family good times, not one-upmanship on high school class ranking.” KweeNeeBee
8. AITJ For Telling My Sister-In-Law They Aren't Middle Class?
“My husband’s family has money. Both my husband and his brother John grew up with private school, credit cards, and nest egg to start their life.
I’m going to stay away from real numbers but their passive trust fund income alone would put them in the top 90% in our country and the top 80% in our area.
My husband invested early and entered a high-powered career. John failed upwards into a legacy college and a management-level white-collar job but his career is pretty stagnant.
He and SIL live right on the edge of their finances and carry around a lot of debt. SIL freelances on and off for extra income.
There’s a lot of friction between my husband and John over money. Both John/SIL have implied multiple times that we’re out of touch and my husband got lucky while they’re regular salt-of-the-earth people.
Usually, we let it slide because it’s true that we’re much wealthier than they are.
But I was with SIL recently and finally cracked. She was saying John wants to take unpaid leave to change careers, but their lifestyle is at the top of their income and they barely have savings.
SIL said they’d have “no money” and I said “Don’t you still have the trust income” and she said, “Yes but that’s barely enough to survive.”
I said there were a lot of people who “survive” on a lot less. She rolled her eyes and said that was easy for me to say and that real middle-class people like her and John were “living paycheck to paycheck.”
I said your house costs [95th percentile for their city], I don’t think that’s middle class. She was offended and started listing off all of the expenses they had, basically, the income from the trust alone would only be over their mortgage much less all of the other expenses like a private school.
I said most middle-class people don’t spend on __ and ___. She said well you and your husband do, and I said yes but we’re not claiming to be middle class.
She got upset and said she wasn’t “claiming” to be anything and I was being a snob.
Objectively like I said their passive income alone would put them in the top 10% which would disqualify them from most definitions, but maybe I should have just let it slide since we’re significantly better off so maybe it’s not my place to say.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They aren’t middle class and you’re not a jerk for pointing that out. For reference, the middle class is defined to be from 2/3 of the median income to 2x the median income. That’s about $50K to $140K on average, but higher in HCOL areas.
I’m no trust fund baby; there was a time we got food stamps. Now my wife and I each make over $100K and we have a hard time remembering that we are NOT middle class.” 1962Michael
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s not middle class. Good luck trying to convince her though: it sounds like she’s defined it as living paycheck to paycheck rather than as not having access to much money in the first place.
It sounds like she’s got an emotional investment in being the salt of the earth and/or middle class as an identity thing. You’ll never convince her logically, because identity is often more emotional than intellectual: she feels like she’s middle class and views herself as middle class, so anyone who says otherwise *just doesn’t get it*” Cosmicbergamott
Another User Comments:
“NTJ one of my college professors did an exercise where he asked anyone who thought they were from a middle-class family to raise their hands. It was almost everyone (one kid who didn’t have a family jet). He asked us to privately consider family income/education/marital status, then pointed out how unlikely it was that a classroom full of students with those kinds of families at a private school of the sort our university was were just middle class.
But people like the idea of being middle class. I think it makes them feel normal or is in the safe zone – away from 1% but not poor.” SnooPets8873
7. AITJ For Questioning My Cousin's Plan to Marry His Online Partner From Germany?
“My cousin was initially an engineering major but dropped out.
Now, at 23, he’s rejoining as a Software Engineer major. I, having a background in software engineering and working at a FAANG company, voiced my concerns about his choice due to the saturated field and his low GPA, but I’ve told him that I’m here to support him regardless.
The main issue is this: My cousin’s been secretly talking to a girl from Germany on Discord for a few years. Their relationship was discovered when the girl tried to run away to our town. Her family found packages addressed to my cousin and went so far as to message neighbors in our area about her whereabouts.
Since we’re of South Asian descent and follow Islam, this revelation didn’t sit well with our family.
To divert attention, my cousin planted a fake letter pretending to end things with the girl. Now, a year later, he’s confessed that it was all a ruse.
He’s still in touch with her, and he plans to fly to Germany alone in a few months, learn German, and ask for her hand in marriage without letting our family know. He thinks it’s acceptable in our culture because technically, only the bride’s parents’ approval is needed. Moreover, he’s planning on bringing her to the US and living in his parents’ basement.
I have many reservations.
1. He’s never traveled alone, let alone to another country.
2. Learning a new language in such a short time is ambitious.
3. His severe social anxiety makes it hard for him to even order food in a restaurant. I worry about how he’ll navigate an entirely new country and culture.
4. He’s been less than transparent with her regarding his appearance. Due to his anxiety, he’s neglected his hygiene and has significant dental issues.
5. The girl’s family has shown concerning behaviors. They sound aggressive and possibly dangerous, given their past actions and alleged association with gang activities.
I’m trying to guide him in his studies, getting help from coworkers and ensuring he stays focused and less time with video games but he still went ahead to open a Delta Airlines credit card specifically to get points for this flight. I’m genuinely concerned about this relationship and the risks he’s taking for someone he’s never met.
I’ve communicated my concerns and the apparent lack of sense in his plans, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you should download the requirements for bringing over someone from a foreign country as a new spouse. It is a lot more complicated than he seems to think.
There are many government forms, visa applications, etc that must be filled out, submitted, and approved. Doing any of it incorrectly can have disastrous results leading to there being a long time before the new spouse can enter the US (and visa versa). It’s not as easy as getting married in Germany and bringing the new wife back with him on the plane.
They don’t have to let a spouse in if they don’t want to. Maybe showing him the daunting reality of what must be done will at least slow him down.” MercuryRising92
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. If all you’ve done is advise, then you’re doing your best for your cousin.
Both your cousin and his partner are adults and entitled to make their own decisions and mistakes. This whole thing may have only a small chance of success, but you’ve done all that you reasonably can. Your cousin has proven his determination. At this point, about all you can do is step back and wish him good luck.” extinct_diplodocus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I do not know German immigration laws but he should start researching them! That said once they marry how will he earn a living? Has he started learning German? Uprooting your life to move overseas is a major pain in the rear!
Doing that before you have met, kissed, shared a meal, found out if you are compatible & discovered each other’s little annoying quirks is a HUGE gamble. Honestly, my first thought in all this was how cold and dark the Danish winters were! I drank more when I lived there and moved back to California!
I hope he has proper winter clothes, a sunlamp & a way to get home if things go wrong!” Super_Reading2048
6. AITJ For Asking The Breed Of A Service Dog?
“So this was back when I worked at a thrift store. Their policy for bringing in pets was pretty casual so people came in and brought their dogs or whatever pretty often.
One day, there were two ladies, and one of them brought in their service dog.
I didn’t think much of it. But this “service dog” was very reactive to his surroundings (barking at everyone and dogs that passed by them, jumping, and tugging on his lead). If this was a store that has a higher policy on bringing animals I probably would’ve had more to say.
But given that people just brought in their pets all the time I didn’t.
However, the dog reminded me a lot of a dog that I used to have as a kid. So I was curious as to if that dog was the same breed as the dog I had growing up so while walking through the aisles, I passed by the two and asked what kind of breed of dog their service dog was.
Only for them to rudely interrupt me, and say that it was very rude for me to ask such a question.
Please keep in mind, that I didn’t ask what kind of service dog they had or if their service dog was a service dog, I simply asked what kind of breed of dog it was.
However, in their eyes, this is seen as a rude question and they got very defensive.
Now look, I’ve seen plenty of videos of people harassing those with service, animals, and I try my best not to get in the animal’s way, if I find myself near someone with a service animal. However, I wasn’t looking at the dog when asking the question I was simply looking at the owners.
I wasn’t trying to get the dog’s attention by waving my hands I was simply asking the question “What kind of breed of dog is that?” my tone wasn’t in any way rude I was again simply curious.
As soon as I was shooed off by the two, I went back to my duties and asked a couple of my coworkers, if what I did was in the wrong.
They said no, but I still feel uneasy about it even long after it happened. So, I have to ask, was I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you simply asked “What breed of dog is that” that’s a legitimate question. I can understand maybe why someone would get defensive about that because there are a weird amount of people who have this idea that service dogs can only be certain specific breeds so if it’s not one of those then it’s a fake service dog.
However, that’s a battle to fight IF someone gets unreasonable after being told the breed, not something that should be reacted to simply for asking the breed” silverblaze92
Another User Comments:
“People ask what kind of dog is that all the time. It’s like meeting a new person and asking what their job is.
It’s small talk. “Oh, what a cute puppy, what kind is it?” Isn’t like asking a human what country or race they are from. Dogs don’t care. Dogs aren’t racist. Dogs don’t care if their papers are from a purebred breeder or the animal shelter.
NTJ” YouthNAsia63
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it’s a legitimate and respectful question and you did everything right in regards to not distracting the dog while it was “working”. I imagine they may have been trying to get you to not look too closely at what sounds like a fake service animal. The worst time someone asked what breed my dog was, he was leaning over the top of my barking, snarling dog to try and have this conversation with me.
Not his fault, the dog is very protective of me, and too many unknown men had set him off – we apologized and the dog said hi very politely once the circumstances were adjusted” ChaiSlytherin
5. AITJ For Leaving My New Friend at a Party After She Invited My Ex Without Telling Me?
“I’ve known this friend (Let’s call her Maya) for a month, but we clicked almost instantly. We’re both very much ‘party people’ and we have the same humor. We’re still in the ‘honeymoon’ phase of our friendship, but we consider each other really good friends.
We also completely lost our old best friends, so we decided to hang out together to cope with it.
This September there was this very big party Maya got me into. I didn’t hear about this party until Maya mentioned it, so I had no idea who was going to be there.
The more I talked to Maya about how she heard about the party, the more I realized that Maya didn’t know who was going to be there either. This made me kind of suspicious, but I was excited about going.
The morning before the party we went to Starbucks and started planning out our ride situation because Maya didn’t have a car (and we both didn’t know anyone there).
She decided that it would make the most sense for me to be the designated driver. I agreed and told her we would probably go home at about 2 am.
We go to the party and there are at least 100 people in this cramped little house.
It’s chaotic, but we’re having fun. We agreed to stay together, but eventually, we split up an hour in. I started socializing with people and having a good time, but then I noticed a familiar face; My EXTREMELY emotionally manipulative ex-partner. I’m not going to get into it, but he was awful.
I had no idea he was going to be there and I was shocked. He hadn’t noticed me yet, but I didn’t want to take any risks of him seeing me and confronting me.
I find Maya a little bit later and tell her about the situation and how I want to leave immediately.
She inebriatedly announced to me how she knew he was going to be there, but she didn’t want to scare me away from the party. She then goes “You’re being selfish. He wasn’t even that bad.” I was LIVID. Without telling her, I grabbed my keys and left the party.
I have no idea how she got home, especially considering she was intoxicated and her house was almost half an hour away. This was a couple of days ago and we haven’t talked since.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First, your friend used you for a ride (I’m guessing if she doesn’t have a car, it never “makes sense” for her to be the DD).
She deceived you about not knowing who would be at this gathering – willingly putting you in an awkward position where you would have to face someone you didn’t want to see. Then, she defended that person’s behavior toward you. Even despite all of that, you told her you were leaving and she made a choice to stay behind.
That is not your fault, or your problem.” aj_alva
Another User Comments:
“Gonna have to go with ESH on this one. Girl code is girl code, you NEVER leave one of your girls on an inebriated night, especially with strangers. Something life-threatening could have happened. On the other hand… she intentionally withheld information that would make you not want to go, probably for the free ride.
Jerk behavior there. I think if you left and arranged another ride for her that would be completely understandable” Adventurous-Muscle90
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your friend is manipulative and sets you up knowing how you’d react. “You’re being selfish. He wasn’t even that bad.” Sounds as if you’d spoken to her about this particular ex.
Disgusting statement either way as if she knows everything about your intimate relationship with a toxic bf. I’d not only have left her there but I’d not answer her calls either or show my face to her again for the foreseeable future. It’s a line you just don’t cross.” teresa-fay
4. AITJ For Wanting The Driver Who Totaled My Car To Pay For It?
“This summer I (30F) was going on a trip to a friend’s birthday abroad, 16+ hours driving away. I owned a car and to accommodate other people visiting him, and to make the trip faster/more durable I came together with others going to his birthday (but they were people I didn’t know before).
We were 5 in the car. We would switch drivers, so I could have a break sleeping, but I was driving most of it. Generally in Europe, I feel like it is believed that you should switch drivers and not drive too long in a row.
Someone else (27F) was driving so I could catch some sleep. We were on the highway and she was cut off by another car, she made some radical steering choices and flipped the car. The car rolled over but hit nothing and no one hit us.
My car was totaled, but all of us got out without lasting injuries. When we got out she was super apologetic but I told her this was not the moment and we’d deal with it later.
I will skip over the part of arranging all transport/dealing with the crash, which was a nightmare in itself and I felt completely abandoned by most of them in arranging things.
But keynote: she was picked up by her (wealthy) parents.
Afterwards, she (nor others) came to me to deal with anything, nor offered any financial help. I have of course been in contact with my insurance but since it was a relatively cheap car (€4K), I shouldn’t expect any financial compensation.
That is if they even manage to find and contact the person who cut her off on the highway. Since it is all international, this process is taking a long time and can take up to a year. She is not insured, so all of this contact is arranged by me through my car insurance.
I want to ask her (and possibly the others, since we all shared the ride and the risk) to cover the costs of my car. Some of them are students and don’t have a lot of money (hence driving, rather than flying). She is avoiding blame and responsibility and wants me (or my insurance) to find the person who cut her off to hold them accountable.
She has rich parents though, who care for her since they drove across countries to pick her up from an accident, they could help her financially. Am I the jerk for trying to make her pay?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You should have had proper insurance.
The accident wasn’t her fault. Double YTJ for your comments about her family being rich because they came to get her. I’m not wealthy but if my son was in a car accident, I’d find a way to get there. Regardless their finances are none of your business and don’t make her responsible for your lack of insurance coverage.” Hopeful-Chipmunk6530
Another User Comments:
“WIBTJ if you asked or expected everyone in the car to chip in for the damages/replacement of your vehicle. The only even mildly responsible for the damages would be the driver at the time. (And apropos of nothing, I can’t believe people agreed to share fines associated with the car if they weren’t driving.
Road tolls? Sure. Gas? Sure. You speed and get a ticket and expect me to chip in? No way.” rbrancher2
Another User Comments:
“I don’t get it. On what planet do you get to total someone’s car and just say oopsies didn’t mean to.
You have insurance, so you did what you were supposed to, sucks they won’t cover this though. I mean you aren’t supposed to drive while tired, what were you supposed to do pull over and take a nap while everyone just sits there?
So unless I’m missing something here these YTJ comments do not make sense to me.” Spaviters
3. AITJ For Refusing To Cook Thanksgiving Dinner For My Partner And His Friends?
“My partner (we’ve been together since the beginning of 22) is from the US, where they celebrate Thanksgiving. Last year he went to the US but this year he can’t go.
So he and several of his friends asked if they could have Thanksgiving in my house because I live next to a big park that has a place for them to play football. I said sure, I’ve seen Thanksgiving on TV and it seems a nice holiday, I would like to celebrate it.
This weekend we were hanging out and I told Rick, my partner, that I would likely arrive home later that day (around 5 pm vs the usual 3 p.m.) because we adjusted shifts at work. One of our colleagues is having issues with her pregnancy (risk pregnancy) and is on sick leave / PTO until the birth date.
Sooner than we thought but everyone adjusted.
He was upset and said, “So, at what time do we eat?”. I asked what he was talking about. He said I would be arriving late so I could only start to cook when I arrived. Well, I never agreed to cook.
He wants everything like he has it at home but his mom gets up at the crack of dawn to cook that day. I assumed we were going to order. He assumed I was going to cook because “that’s how it’s done”.
We had a big argument and I told him we could order in and split the cost with his friends (5 friends and their SOs, plus 1 kid, 4 of the men are American).
He said he couldn’t ask that of his friends. I said one of their SOs could cook. He said no, he already “offered me”.
The fight was big and we haven’t spoken since Saturday. One of his friends called me and said he was sad, blah blah blah, and that I COULD TAKE THE DAY OFF to cook for them, they would even buy some ingredients.
What can one say to that?
Look, I know this is a big American holiday but I’m no one’s slave and that hadn’t been discussed previously. I texted everyone to find another place for their gathering in November.
AITJ here? My friends say I am throwing away a great relationship for small stuff.
For me, this is not a good sign and I’m worried I may have wasted two years in this relationship.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ He just flat out decided, without telling you, that you were cooking for 13 people? That’s BS. “He wants everything like he has it at home ” Then he can get off his backside and cook.
Instead, he wants you to assume his mother’s role, spend all day in the kitchen, while he and “the boys” play football in the park. “for small stuff.” This is not small stuff. This is a glimpse of your future life if you choose to spend it with this “man”.” KronkLaSworda
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I think your partner has just shown you that he thinks a woman’s place is in the kitchen. For him to assume you were going to take the day off work and cook (and pay) for a meal for all his friends is wild.
Your friends are also wrong, you’re not throwing away a great relationship because your partner doesn’t respect you at all. Stick to your gut feeling OP.” mononokegirl_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ American woman here, Thanksgiving doesn’t have to be where the woman cooks and the men relax, eat, and play or watch football.
There is zero reason your partner can’t cook a turkey. (it is not that hard) and all the friends bring side dishes and you can buy a pre-made pie from the store….done! Your partner is being a huge jerk for thinking you need to do all the work for him to look like the guy who gave all his friends a “traditional Thanksgiving” pudge-thefish
2. AITJ For Giving My Poor Biological Dad Money From My Allowance?
“My (15F) Mom married my stepdad when I was 3 so I’ve known him pretty much my whole life and I view him as like a second dad I guess.
My mom and dad were quite poor, but when my mom met my step dad he helped her a lot financially because he had a lot more money than her.
When they met he let us move into his much bigger house (we used to live in a one-bedroom apartment) and bought us lots of stuff. I am grateful for him I don’t want my post to sound like I’m ungrateful because I’m not.
My dad is still poor and can’t keep a job for longer than a month.
It just makes me feel really bad that I’m getting designer clothes and expensive perfumes whilst my dad can barely afford to eat.
I get a big allowance each month and this month I decided to give my dad most of the money. I didn’t think it would be a problem because it’s my money to do what I want with it.
My stepdad could see what I bought with my card and he saw that I transferred money, he asked me about it and I told him the truth because I didn’t think he’d be angry. He got annoyed and screamed at me that I was wasting my money and that he was an adult who should get a job and get his own money instead of relying on his daughter for money.
My mom agreed with my step dad too.
They both called me naive and a bunch of names and said he was just using me which I don’t get why they think that.
They both forced my dad to give me the money back (not all of it because he’d spent a little already.)
I just wanna help my dad out, I barely get to see him because he doesn’t have enough money to feed me and stuff so my mom won’t let me stay over even though I’m totally happy with paying for food for us and I’ve told her that.
I wish I could see him more often though.
I don’t know why they won’t let me help my dad I didn’t mean to upset them but they’ve been angry at me for the last few days. I didn’t think I was the jerk but I’m starting to feel like one I’m just really confused. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Gentle YTJ because your allowance is being given to you to spend on things you need for yourself. Your stepfather wants to help you. Your father has issues that keep him from providing the barest minimum for you. He is in his situation because of his actions.
If he hated his job he should have found a new one before he quit. He is an adult. It is kind that you want to help him however you can not help someone unwilling to help themself. When you get a job & see how much work it takes to make a living, you can help out whoever you want.
You can not help people with money that isn’t yours.” dncrmom
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, first off you are not helping your dad, your stepdad is since it is his money and his card, when you get a job you can give your money to whomever you want.
If your dad is not disabled there is no reason for him not to get a job, you are enabling him.” demon803
Another User Comments:
“NTJ But is a very hard situation to be in. If I were you, I would tell Mom and SD how You feel, that you feel guilty for having a lot and your Dad not having Anything.
I would ask if we (u, Mom, and SD) can find a way to help him. Like, help him get a skill so he better can hold down a job, or you can treat him to a meal sometimes. And you should tell our Mom and SD that you never meant to hurt them and that you won’t give our allowance to your Dad in the future.” TheOneAndOnlyGoldLea
1. AITJ For Bringing My Partner as My Plus One to My Sister's Wedding?
“I’m openly bi to my friends and immediate family, I’m sort of softly open to my extended family in that I wouldn’t hide it from them but I haven’t directly told them.
I just sort of assume they know. Until very recently I’ve only been with girls. I guess another important context is that me and my sister are not the closest in the world. We don’t dislike each other, we’ve just never been the type to hang out, but get on fine when we do see each other.
So, recently my (25M) sister (28F) got married, and when they sent out the wedding invites I was given a plus one. I was single at the time, so asked my sister if they’d want to be asked about who I decided to bring or anything like that, but she said it should be fine, and that she wasn’t worried about it.
A couple of weeks before the wedding I went camping with one of my oldest friends and while we were there we had some discussions to cut a long story short we came back as a couple. I didn’t tell my sister about this because we’ve never been the type to tell each other about our love lives.
I decided to take him as my plus one, and again didn’t check with my sister about this because she’d already given me carte blanche.
The wedding was lovely but my arrival with my partner caused more of a stir amongst our extended family than I anticipated. Not out of homophobia or anything, just gossip I think.
I guess knowing I’m bi is different than actually seeing me with a guy. I kinda found it funny at the time, but now after getting back from her honeymoon, my sister let me know that she was mad about it and that it pulled focus from her and disrupted the day.
I pointed out that she’d said I could bring whoever, but she said she did that because she thought she could trust my judgment. I’m kind of annoyed because I don’t think I did anything wrong. I’d understand if I came out on the day or something but I was already out!
It was just gossip, and why should I have to not bring my partner anyway? But she’s still mad about it and my parents are telling me to apologize so I thought I’d check if I’m in the wrong here.”
Another User Comments:
“Am I going crazy? How in any shape or form was OP a jerk? If people are more interested in other people’s sexualities than the couple at their wedding, then that’s 100% on the guests! Sis should be expecting an apology from those guests instead of from OP.
What do people (or the sister) expect to have happened if OP *did* tell her that he was bringing his partner instead of a girl? Would she have gone to every guest directly and said “Hey y’all, my bro is bi btw, in case you forgot”?
NTJ” Independent_Ad_9080
Another User Comments:
“I think this is a bit of a no-jerk here. You’re absolutely right in that your sister gave you carte blanche over who attended with you, but I think you were a little naive in the sense that you didn’t consider that this would have a bit of a stir considering you haven’t really told your extended family.
Her wedding likely wasn’t the absolute best time to hard launch the partner but what’s done is done. You’re not accountable for other people’s gossip mill but I can understand why she’d be a little annoyed.” coastalkid92
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and anyone saying otherwise clearly isn’t gay or thinks differently of gay people lmao.
If you brought a girl then there wouldn’t have been a reaction at all, let’s be real comments that are true. It’s the 21st century and I assume this is a country with liberal gay laws (North America, parts of Europe, etc.) if the simple act of bringing a boy took away attention it’s no one’s fault but the people who can’t mind their own business.
You didn’t use this as a way to come out you brought them cause you are in a relationship. If it was an intentional thing to come out then YWBTA but that wasn’t it.” Appropriate_Oven_360
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She may be gay, she may be asexual, she may, like you, just not have met anyone who appealed to her yet. She may change her mind, or may not. If she reaches out to you in future, do please remember that she is not wrong, weird or immature for choosing to stay single, and don't ever try to 'encourage' her towards jerk.