People Face Off In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
21. AITJ For Being Upset My Mom Took Money From My Account Without Permission?
“I recently opened a bank account under my mom’s plan.
I started saving up with the little money I make at both my jobs. I finally hit 1k the other day and today I found my bank account at $600. Now I really worked hard for money and got annoyed and texted her why she took my money but I was really rude about it.
She told me it was for my grandpa’s medicine, that it was an emergency. I told her that she has to ask me and get MY permission to take money from my account but she kept saying I’m sorry I’ll return it Friday.
I’m just really annoyed because she always does this, she asks for money and doesn’t return it, makes up excuses for loans, for family members to give her money even her job and it’s the same excuse “family emergency”.
Am I the jerk for demanding her to give me my money back?”
Another User Comments:
“Start withdrawing from your account. Keep only the bare minimum. Use cash to pay all your expenses. I know you may not save much that way. But once you turn 18, close this account and get a new one. As long as it is under your mum’s plan, she’s going to use it as an extension of her own account.
Establishing boundaries may not be effective because family emergencies can be used as a guilt-tripping tool. While I do understand that she might be in a financial crunch, it’s your hard-earned money that you will need for the future. Good luck! NTJ.” Straight-Example9126
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Can you just take out most of the account in cash and just leave behind the minimum balance? You can buy a small personal safe off of Amazon to store it until you get your 18+ bank account. Also, be on her rear to repay you until you get every penny back, but be polite so she can’t use it against you.
“Mom you assured me that the $400 would be reimbursed by Friday, it has now been X days. I really want to be able to trust having you on my bank account, but this has been really hurtful.” If she tries to guilt you about how much it cost to have and raise you, just say “I am not going to be grateful that you took money from me without my permission.
You chose to have me, I did not choose to give you that money voluntarily.” Make it about being disappointed and not about being angry.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“You need to take everything out of that account that has linked to your mom’s except for the bare minimum.
You’ll need to find a safe place to keep it. You’re either going to have to think of a really good hiding place or maybe you have grandparents that will hold it for you? She’s going to use this whenever she feels like it and I’m betting you never get any of that back.
She’s stealing from you and if she “needed it” maybe she should’ve started by asking you instead of just taking it. This is unacceptable. I’m really sorry about this. NTJ.” uwishuhad1
20. AITJ For Wanting To Charge More Rent For A Tenant's Excessive Use Of The Kitchen?
“I rent rooms out in my home. I am on disability and so am currently home all day.
One tenant (there are 3 plus me) got a new WFH job and as their bedroom is small, asked to set up their computer in the kitchen, on a table that was used as a worktable, There is also a dining table. I agreed.
This tenant is on the computer 8 hours a day and has begun to complain about noise from the TV in the living room (which I watch).
It also makes food prep difficult. I was willing to tolerate the inconvenience until they started complaining about the noise.
WIBTJ if I asked for more rent from this person as they have almost exclusive use of the kitchen 40 hours per week?”
Another User Comments:
“INFO: Is there a contract or lease in place? Because if there is, you would be the jerk for suddenly dumping a new charge on this person. Instead of passive-aggressively raising the rent, how about you sit down with them and discuss boundaries? Be a grown-up and sit down and hash this out.
There has to be a compromise other than a petty rent increase. Because, you raising their rent, isn’t going to change the fact that you want to watch TV while they are working. The noise is still going to be an issue for them while they are working.
So, the best bet here is to use your words and sort this out like adults.” PaganCHICK720
Another User Comments:
“Yes, you would be the jerk if you arbitrarily and single-handedly changed what you charge rent for. If it’s a shared space it means your tenants have access to it.
If it’s “pay per use”, you should have told them that up front. Put it in writing. Let everyone know that “the kitchen might look like a shared space, but I will charge you depending on how much you use it”. Aside from that, it sounds like the “excessive use of the kitchen” is just an excuse.
You’re annoyed that he complained about your TV, and that’s why you want to charge him more. You could just tell him that, tough luck, I’m watching TV and if you don’t want to listen to it don’t sit in the kitchen where it’s clearly audible”.
That would have been a sensible response. “I’m going to make up reasons to charge you money” is not. YTJ.” boring_pants
Another User Comments:
“Hmm, I want to say no jerks here if you did that, because charging more rent isn’t the appropriate remedy here.
NTJ if you instead explain to the tenant that the kitchen is first and foremost an area for preparing and eating food, and that their use of it as an office is secondary. Likewise, watching TV in the living room during the day, at a presumably reasonable volume, is something you’d been doing before the tenant decided they wanted to work from the kitchen.
Allowing the tenant to set up the computer in the kitchen was a favor, not a right they’re entitled to. If they can’t deal with normal use of the kitchen or the living room, they can just move their computer into their bedroom.” Kufat
19. AITJ For Asking To Be Paid For Mandatory Weekend Training?
“My team lead came up to me and asked what I was doing Saturday, June 25th. I told him I was free and would be able to work that day.
Instead of asking me to work a shift he proceeds to tell me that they are doing a “Semi-mandatory” (Whatever that means) training that night from 6-10. I have an outstanding commitment to friends on Saturdays that goes from 7-11 and told him that I misunderstood and actually have plans in the evening.
When I tell him I have plans he says to me, “Well if you don’t show up there are going to be repercussions,” and proceeds to explain how I would be short-listed if I don’t show up. That all being said I asked if we would get paid for coming to this training since it occurs outside of our normal business hours and is on the weekend.
When I ask about pay my team lead gets offended and reprimands me for asking about pay saying “I and the other team leads have to come in early to set up and we aren’t getting paid for that.” AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If they make you come, and having repercussions for not showing up makes it seem mandatory, then they have to pay you if you are hourly.
If they don’t pay you, they are in violation of labor law. Best thing, send them an email and say that “due to them advising there will be repercussions if you don’t show up to the mandatory training on Saturday evening, you will be there.” Ask where you should clock in.
Then wait for their reply. If it is verbal, follow it up with another email confirming what was said. Start the paper trail now. They will stop the shenanigans or screw themselves if the labor board does an investigation.” Sledge313
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I get your confusion at semi-mandatory.
Something can either be mandatory or not. There’s no semi about it. They say this to cover their butts for the people who will inevitably refuse to go to unpaid training. Also, they can’t force you to work for free. Whether you’re hourly or salaried, unless you are exempt, you’re entitled to be paid for any additional work outside of your regular schedule.
Training IS work, since you’re sacrificing your time and energy to be there.” MssrsJekyllNHyde
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You are not required to work for free. Training is work-related. Those leads might be salary in which case the extra time is built into their pay.
Or they might just not be aware of the fact that the company is stealing money from them if they are paid in the same manner as you. If you are not being paid for the training/meeting then don’t go and instead brush up your resume.
Also, look into talking with a lawyer if they try anything like cutting hours or other repercussions. Wage theft is a crime in the US and employers know this some just hope employees don’t.” Sweetsmyle
18. AITJ For Blocking My Grandma After She Dismissed My Cancer Battle?
“For the past two years, I battled cancer all the while my grandma was going around the family telling them that I was being overdramatic about my diagnosis for attention, refused to come around and visit me, and would get upset when I didn’t come to family functions.
I put up with it my whole battle.
New Year’s Day I gave her a ring to tell her happy new year, and instead of returning the sentiment, she went off on me about not being at any of the family functions to which I replied lightheartedly “sorry I was a little busy battling cancer” to which she replied sternly “you’re not the only one to ever have cancer, get over it.”
I blew up and screamed at her, hung up, and blocked her on my phone and any other possible way she had to reach me. I also blocked any family who called or texted on her behalf, it felt good in the moment but now I wonder if I was too harsh.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“No. Keep that toxicity blocked. NTJ. Grandma is entitled and seems to have a massive problem with understanding priorities, humanity, empathy, and just good old-fashioned decency. She’s also old enough to know better yet it’s shockingly escaped her all these years.
If that happened to me, there’d have been no kind of call. You’re really patient and kind. She doesn’t deserve it. When stuff like this happens, you see who your real friends and family are. It’s not always by blood. Love, light, and healing to you.” maekiyo
Another User Comments:
“No! NTJ! I come from a large extended family that is best described as matriarchal. And by that, I mean that people are very deferential to my grandma who IMHO is completely toxic. I haven’t blocked her but I don’t talk to her.
I actually didn’t bother to cash the check she sent me for Xmas this year (also, I’m a grown man who doesn’t need $40 from a retiree). It is ok to keep bad people out of your life, even if they are your living ancestors.
Being old and in your bloodline doesn’t put anyone above accountability for their actions.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – Firstly I hope you are doing okay and have a huge support net around you. Secondly, I hope other members of your family are there for you?
Glad you blocked her, you do not need that. Her fault is she refuses to educate herself to what you are going through. No empathy, no care to reach out and help – guess she directly has had no bad health? You cannot change people, only if they go through something drastic themselves they might change.
So you did what you could, wise move to remove the negative from your environment. Putting you and your health first does not make you a jerk.” sneakysigil
17. AITJ For Reacting Rudely To Unsolicited Advice About My Asthma At The Gym?
“I started going to the gym in order to get my asthma back in hand, gaining stamina, etc. When I work out I might start coughing (like a dog).
I apologize when someone is in the room and keep on training.
Today first a trainer asked me about the coughing and some minutes later a lady started to advise me what to do to get rid of my coughing (you need to take this or that).
I was already out of breath (for multiple reasons here) and just said: I got asthma. She didn’t respond so I assumed she doesn’t know what it is. I started saying: it’s not contagious.. but she interrupted me. She told me she just said a thing, she never asked if it was contagious and she had to tell me because I made her feel sorry.
She repeated herself again and didn’t let me get a word. I said ok and kept working out and she stormed out.
Now I feel like I reacted poorly. I got diagnosed not long ago and don’t know how to react. AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but people do get fearful about possible symptoms. Asthma doesn’t normally make you cough like a dog when you get tired. It makes you wheeze first. You sound like you need to learn to manage your condition better. I’ve had it for years. Firstly make sure you are hydrating properly before working out, if you are dry you will cough faster.
Secondly, make sure you have your inhaler. As soon as you feel a cough coming medicate. Also possibly consider if there are any allergens that could be triggering you in the workout space, strong perfumes, body sprays or deodorants can trigger asthma, so can chalk dust if you are lifting, and maybe consider antihistamines beforehand.
You may also need to look at changing to a different exercise regime that is easier on your breathing until you have more stamina built up. It will depend on what inhaler you have to whether having it before a workout will make any difference.
The one most people have works when you have an asthma attack, not really if you have it before symptoms, so check with your doc about that.” bitternerdette
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds more to me like the “lady” was upset she wasn’t able to cure you instantaneously.
Ignore her and others giving unsolicited advice. You were fine. You were gasping for breath and the “lady” chose that exact moment to try to heal you like the omniscient person she is.” NancyLouMarine
16. AITJ For Spending Extra Hours On A Business Instead Of Helping My Wife With The Kids?
“I’m married with two kids, ages 3.5 and 1.5. I have a demanding full-time job, and my wife is a full-time mom, which was her choice.
We’ve mostly aligned ourselves with traditional roles—me as the breadwinner and her managing the kids and the home.
Recently, I had an opportunity to start a business that could improve our future, especially since we live in a high-cost-of-living area. We agreed that I would spend a few extra hours at the office three days a week (Monday, Wednesday, Friday) to work on getting the business up and running.
To balance this, I’ve committed Tuesdays and Thursdays evenings to taking care of the kids while my wife gets time for herself—doing yoga or meeting her friends or just rest and do nothing. On Saturdays, she also gets the full day to herself while I take the kids out, and Sundays are for me to focus on the business.
This was the arrangement we both agreed to, and it worked well for a while.
However, my wife has recently expressed dissatisfaction with this setup. She feels it’s unfair that I get “more time to myself” and wants me to come home every day by 5 or 6 p.m. to help with the kids.
I understand that her current role is more than a full-time job, and I deeply appreciate everything she does. But I also feel that I’m working overtime on that business—not just for myself, but for our family’s future, which she doesn’t seem to take seriously and counts as “time for myself”.
Business aside, I generally feel like this is an unreasonable expectation, given that I also come home exhausted and need some time to rest. While this may not seem fair for her in the short term, I think this tough period for her is primarily during the early years of our kids’ childhood.
Once the kids start school 2 years from now, she’ll have six hours a day to herself for the next 10-20 years. Meanwhile, I’ll still be grinding at work until retirement, but I can’t complain because she will have earned that rest. I think that’s fair enough in the long run.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Info: do you need the extra money from your side hustle or do you just want it? Are y’all struggling to pay bills right now? Is your side business making any money yet? If the answer to all of those questions is no, then I’m leaning towards YTJ.
You’re spending all day working but you aren’t spending all day with kids – that’s a different type of exhausting, which I’m sure you know because you do actually spend time with your kids. If y’all aren’t struggling right now, then you’re doing the side business because you want to, not because you have to.
In the same way that you think she should tough it out until the kids are in school, why can’t your second business wait until then? You’d both have more time for this. And you wouldn’t be leaving your wife alone with the kids for an extra 9 hours every week.” Secret_University120
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Okay, look. As a full-time mom (who now works outside the house full time and has teens) my husband got stuck in this habit early on in our kids’ lives. It was always a side job, or a second job, or a weekend project.
And it was always to better our lives. On one hand, it did. But there is always a cost. Our kids are now 13-19 and he is STILL doing it. It’s Christmas Eve and do you know where he is? Downstairs putting in a suite for our kid who is going to live here while in university (uni town, super expensive housing).
Not only that, but extra time away for him (even if he is working) is extra time when I am the only parent on duty. I’m not even 40 yet and while it has improved things for our kids, I feel it has truly damaged my health AND his.
Do you know what 20 years of working a labor job, only to leave and go to another labor job will do to your body? I’ve been, largely, the only parent on duty for nearly 20 years. School events, making lunches, reading bedtime stories, homework, teaching kids to do their own laundry & drive, all of the behavioral issues at school, and emotional friend problems that come with preteens.
All me. All on top of trying to maintain my own working life and a relationship. He did it out of love, but it still has consequences.” GullibleWealth750
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You guys had an agreement that you are following. So that part is fine.
However, it’s clear that now that you’ve both been living with this arrangement for a while, your wife would like to revisit the terms of the agreement. That’s also fine – it’s not like either of you has done this before. You live and learn and adjust. Talk to her.
Listen to her. Tell her how you’re feeling. See if there’s something in particular that’s causing problems for her. She feels the need for another adult to talk to – can you arrange for a family member or friend to come over? She wants to see you – is there a way you could do some of the work on the business from home rather than completely separated?
(Less than ideal for you, I’m sure, but life is often less than ideal.) She just feels unappreciated – maybe there’s something the two of you can do to connect as a couple beyond the mechanics of parenting. (Don’t get me wrong, parenting is no small thing.
And it can sometimes cause you to forget the caring for each other.) The specifics of my examples might be completely wrong, but the idea is to remember that there is always an opportunity to adjust to find the best available balance. Which might involve postponing the extra business for now.
Or might just be as simple as reconnecting with each other to make sure each of you feels seen and heard. Best wishes!” underhand_toss
15. AITJ For Asking A Stranger To Respect My Personal Space At Sephora?
“Today I (19F) went to Sephora to shop for Christmas gifts. This is a pretty large Sephora in a major American city, so it was quite crowded in there.
I was swatching some blushes to pick one out for my sister, and I was standing up close to the shelf so there would be lots of room for others to walk by. Suddenly, I felt someone standing really close behind me (literally touching me) and reaching right in front of my face to grab one of the products.
I’m Australian (but my family moved to the U.S. a few years ago), so I consider it really rude when people invade my personal space. The girl (around my age or a bit older) did not say excuse me or anything, so I turned around and gave her a look, thinking she would get the hint and move.
She gave me a nasty look back and took a step away, so I figured that was that.
A minute later, she did the exact same thing and again got up so close to me that her stomach was literally touching my butt. This made me uncomfortable, so I said, “Excuse me, personal space!” in what I would consider a polite tone.
She told me to “calm down” in a rude tone (I was calm lol), and started mocking me in a bad British accent to her friend and saying something in another language. I said, “I can hear you mocking me…maybe learn some manners? Just say excuse me next time!”
This seemed to annoy her and her mate further and they continued to mock me (which was kind of funny because I’m not even British…) so I decided to walk away. I told my mom about it and she said I could have been nicer, so I decided to post here and see what other people thought.
I definitely could have just moved over for her and not engaged, especially because I was blocking some stuff on the shelf. However, I was annoyed she didn’t even say “excuse me,” and she was standing so close to me it made me physically uncomfortable.
I also was not sure if she was from a different country (they were speaking both English and another language), so maybe she was a tourist and it could have been a cultural difference? Like I said, I am not American myself, so I recognize that people have different ideas of personal space, etc. in other places.
I don’t know, what do you all think? Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I say this as an American living in the US. A lot of people here (depending on where in the country you are) don’t bother to say excuse me.
They will push into you or invade your space and hope you get the hint and move away. You mentioned you’re in a big city so I imagine there are lots of other people from other backgrounds, that also play a part, they just apply the same behaviors of their previous country or culture here.
Doesn’t make it right, but it might help explain.” Royallyclouded
Another User Comments:
“There is no universe where you would be the jerk. You’re a better person than I am, because I would definitely throw hands over that kind of nonsense. All you did was stand up for yourself.
On one hand, your mother is probably right. Things could have ended much more favorably if you were a bit more polite, but that’s not a requirement considering she was in your personal space.” TurdGuyMusic
14. AITJ For Giving My Stepson An Ultimatum About His Puppy?
“My grown stepson lives with me, his father, and our 10-year-old senior dog. He’s been talking about wanting to get a dog of his own. He works all day so the dog would essentially be my and my husband’s responsibility.
I already told him I won’t train another dog and I was concerned that our senior dog would not be friendly. She’s never been aggressive, however, she doesn’t like dogs that get in her face.
Well, he came home the other day with a puppy and zero supplies.
No food, no cage, no bowls, nothing. I was visibly upset and told him I am not training it or going to be in any way shape or form responsible for it when he’s not home. As predicted our senior dog is not happy.
She’s been growling at this puppy when it gets near her. I told him if our dog and this puppy can’t get along he can either move out or re-home this puppy. Seriously, WTAF??
Am I being unreasonable?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I’m not sure the word “grown” applies here.
Sounds like a childhood fantasy of a warm cozy puppy with no idea about the reality of training an 8-week-old puppy. He works all day? That’s ridiculous to have done zero planning. Absolutely NTJ and the sooner you get that dog back to its breeder the better.
The AKC says the exposure a puppy (under 4 months) gets significantly impacts their future temperament and behavior as adult dogs. Being locked in a crate or room for 8 hours a day will essentially create a dog that no one wants, reactive and unsocialized. Crazy that he thinks this was going to be “his” dog that he dumped on you.” CaliforniaJade
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No one who is sharing living space with other people should get a dog without the approval of everyone in the house. In this case, you explicitly told him you didn’t want to train or be responsible for another dog, so he is doubly the jerk.
I don’t think you are being as clear as you think you are being. You are saying “I am concerned” “IF our dog and this puppy can’t get along….” If you don’t want another dog in the house, you need to tell him, unambiguously “NO. No puppy.
Puppy goes back, TODAY.”” Constant_Host_3212
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but everyone’s a jerk if you allow that dog to stay in your home. You need to rehome that puppy immediately. This dog will be neglected and untrained, likely resulting in the puppy developing undesirable behaviors (and suffering).
By the time you’ve finally lost your patience with dog waste in the house or barking, etc, and force stepson to get rid of it, it might be “unadoptable.” You have all the information you need now: 1- He brought a puppy home before having done any preparation.
No food, no supplies, and no plan. These are the actions of a 10-year-old, not an adult. His profound absentmindedness is practically screaming his intention that you will do everything for the dog. 2- Your stepson is never home. So, logistically, it will not be possible for him to take the primary responsibility for the initial training and raising of the dog or the daily care required for any dog.
This means that if you don’t do it, it won’t happen, which will result in a maladapted, miserable dog. Your stepson is obviously a jerk. Almost everyone’s a jerk, because you’re choosing to be in semi-denial at the expense of a puppy. If you let him keep it and don’t take responsibility for caring for it, you’ll be allowing a baby pack animal that learns and experiences life through social interaction to be completely neglected. I’m not saying that it’s your responsibility, but this is where things are.
If I were you, I’d rehome it myself. Your stepson won’t do it. He already got the dog against your wishes. Why would he listen to you now?” MissAnthropy_YIKES
13. AITJ For Not Wanting My Partner To Personally Return His Ex's Bracelet?
“I (24F) have been in a relationship with my partner (24M) for six months. Early in our relationship, he told me that four months before meeting me, he had a fling with G (24F).
They spent seven days together in the Caribbean as their second date, but it was just a fling. Afterward, they saw each other once more and agreed they weren’t compatible and haven’t seen each other since. At the time, I was wary but decided to move past it.
A few weeks into our relationship, I asked him about his weekend plans. He casually mentioned finding G’s bracelet in his suitcase and said he might drive it to her (4-hour round trip). This made me uncomfortable, so I addressed it right away.
The bracelet is a sentimental gift from G’s mother but isn’t worth much.
I agreed it should be returned but didn’t understand why he needed to personally deliver it, especially since G lived two hours away. I suggested mailing it and even offered to pay for tracked and insured shipping. I thought this was a fair compromise, especially since I had expressed my discomfort about him going out of his way to meet her.
I spoke to my friends, who agreed with me. They questioned why he would drive four hours for a $25 bracelet when mailing it would be easier, especially after I shared how uncomfortable I felt. While I understand the sentimental attachment, it felt unnecessary for him to go out of his way when there was a reasonable alternative.
My partner argued that G lives in a houseshare where packages get stolen, and she can’t travel to us due to not having a license and there being no public transport options. He claims the bracelet is very sentimental and he would feel awful if something happened to it in transit.
However, this still doesn’t justify disregarding my feelings. He suggested I join him, and we could turn it into a beach trip due to where G lives. But my issue is the principle: I’ve told him how I feel, yet he still wants to go ahead with it.
Things got more complicated when we found out that G had moved to our city. My partner thought it would be fine for us to drop it off now, but I still feel uncomfortable. To me, the core issue is that he’s willing to do something that makes me uncomfortable despite a reasonable alternative.
It feels like my feelings don’t matter to him, and it’s hurtful that he won’t compromise.
He feels guilty about the bracelet and thinks I don’t care about his feelings. He’s hurt that I’m not willing to support his desire to return it personally by simply joining him on the trip.
I’m torn. AITJ for wanting him to respect my feelings and find another way to return the bracelet? Or is he the jerk for insisting on doing something I’ve made clear makes me uncomfortable?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. The moment you started saying, “respect my feelings” while simultaneously ignoring his feelings is what gets me.
I understand the insecurity from the FIRST part of the story… that’s a lot of effort for someone you aren’t involved with…. HOWEVER, they do have history. She isn’t just a stranger (which is both the problem and the reason). Him wanting to do something right and good is kind of awesome and him telling you to come along should at least minimize the insecure feelings.
It sounds like what bothered you in the beginning was the EFFORT he was putting in, which is a bit yucky on your part. And in the second part… it’s not even an issue anymore. What is really going on?” TherapySpider
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Was on board at first with you, but given his offer to take you with him and turn it into a beach trip, I thought that was the best possible solution: he returns the sentimental bracelet, your anxiety is quelled, and you both spend quality time together.
Now that you both found out she lives in the same town this whole thing is kind of ridiculous. He can ask her to meet at a public location like a Starbucks or park, you go with him, bracelet is returned, you guys spend the rest of the day together and all is resolved without issue and without a vacation and everyone gets what they want: her the bracelet, him the satisfaction of returning the bracelet, and your anxiety is quelled. No offense, but this is just boiling down to your own insecurity, and it looks like he has been open from the beginning with you, he is willing to work with you and is acknowledging your discomfort if you see it or not, and isn’t giving you any reason to distrust him in my view.” Seidhr96
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’re the jerk for twisting your insecurities and random emotions into some relationship law or something. You can feel uncomfortable, you can be insecure and that shouldn’t dictate how he behaves at all. You can frame it as him going out of his way all you want, despite his reasons and how his solution being better, but you really need to get to the bottom of this “I’m uncomfortable so it’s wrong” nonsense.
You’re the type that would never allow him to just do something nice or him have a decadent interaction with another woman unless filtered through you because you feel it threatens you. Despite what he does to work with you, how he shows he loves you and chooses you over any other woman it doesn’t matter because you’re not trying to be self-aware enough to realize that your fears of him doing something, the woman trying to get him, etc. are irrational, baseless and that if you let him he’d show, as he’s been doing, that there’s no reason for you to worry.
Be introspective.” nigrivamai
12. AITJ For Refusing To Grow My Hair Out For My Sister's Wedding?
“I (17F) have an older sister, Ellen (19F).
I’ll start with my hair. I have an incredibly short mullet. It’s shaved at the sides, is around 2 inches at the front and side, and goes to my nape at the back.
There are a couple of reasons for this. I am a more masculine type of girl, so I prefer the look of the shorter style – especially since my hair is very fine and needs a lot of styling when long.
I’m also autistic. Not high needs, but I do hate the feeling of hair touching my ears and having to pull out out of my face constantly.
Concluding my many reasons for having short hair.
Ellen is sort of the opposite of me. She’s always been into makeup and clothes etc. I remember us being kids and her trying to do my makeup and I absolutely hated it. Still, we’ve always been very supportive of each other and she’s never said anything about my hair previously – unlike other members of my family who aren’t a fan.
Until now.
She got engaged fresh out of high school, 18, and has been planning her perfect wedding. It’s very complex with a lot of specific color schemes and styles – and I’m going to be the maid of honor. The wedding is scheduled for May.
Ellen recently phoned me asking if I would be willing to grow my hair to around shoulder length for the wedding, to which I said no. It wasn’t out of spite or anything, but the issue isn’t having long hair on the day, it’s dealing with having long hair in the months leading up to the day.
I said I’d be absolutely willing to grow my hair into a pixie cut so it was more pleasing in pictures, but no real length.
It seemed like she was ready for this response because she almost immediately called me selfish and said I was going to ruin her pictures by standing out (since I’m also wearing a suit, which she agreed to.
I was okay with wearing a dress if she asked) and that I was going to be ‘parading around like a man’. I obviously got defensive and brought up that she told me I could wear a suit, and she said it was just to be nice and she didn’t expect me to actually get one.
But she ‘didn’t want to say anything and embarrass me.
We argued a bit more until she hung up. My whole family agrees with her except for my nana. They aren’t rude about it with me, but they are saying that I should just grow it out because it’s “just hair” and I can cut it all off again later.
My nana, a woman married twice who is the furthest thing from a romantic, believes that Ellen is being ridiculous and who cares about how one person looks in a photo. She should just be happy I’m there at all.
I haven’t talked to Ellen since the argument (happened on Monday) and I’m still feeling tender and honestly insecure about the whole thing.
I’ve debated just messaging her to take me out of the bridal party, but I think that might just be irrational.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your offer to switch to a pixie cut for her wedding was generous and kind. Her demand that you be in constant low-level distress for months so that you’ll look the way she wants for her wedding is selfish and unkind.
Even if you were willing to grow your hair out for the wedding, there is no way your hair would make shoulder length anywhere except the nape of your neck. In 6 months, you probably won’t even make it long enough to tuck the front behind your ear securely, since it takes about 10” of length to do that and the average speed for hair to grow is 1/2” per month.
So her request is impossible in addition to being very unpleasant for you.
Now, this next bit is NOT something you should feel obligated to do in any way, but it might be a compromise worth considering if you think it would be tolerable and you’re feeling very generous.
What about wearing a wig the day of the wedding? With a good quality wig, you can’t even tell it isn’t the person’s own hair. You could get one long enough to have it styled so the hair is pulled back and not in your face at all (and having your wig styled that way would be a perfectly reasonable condition to put on the possibility of you wearing a wig).
You would only have to tolerate the long hair for 1 day, your sister would get the long-haired pictures she wants. Obviously, wearing a wig might not be possible for you that day, with all of the other unusual stimuli and stress, so if you’re thinking “I don’t think I could do it” after reading that suggestion, then it’s not the right idea for you, and you can discard it without even a hint of guilt.
If it would make you uncomfortable or unhappy, again, discard it as not for you.” KaliTheBlaze
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for a multitude of reasons. 1) You can look however you want and nobody has a say in it. It’s a basic principle of society. I’m surprised your sister hasn’t cottoned on.
2) Ellen, being your elder sister, should be well aware of your preferences in terms of looks and your motivations, in particular being autistic and disliking the feel of hair on your ears. You’ve lived together for 18 years – how can she be unaware of this?
3) She is prioritizing how you look over you being there, which should be her main concern and consideration. My brother can rock up to my wedding in a tutu for all I care – I just want him there, that’s all. So your position is logical and your sister’s (and your family’s) views are not logical at all.
I’m sorry but I can only conclude that they are uncomfortable with your style and your look and are creating a drama for this reason, to shame you into conforming with their ideals. There is no point giving in, because they’ll just push another boundary another time.
The best thing is to stand up for yourself and not give an inch. Let them handle it.” PhilosophicalWarPig
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – fundamentally you aren’t refusing to grow it out of spite or even necessarily aesthetics – your hair length is one of your accommodations you’ve taken steps to manage for your everyday comfort and ability to function.
She doesn’t seem to realise that having your hair longer will increase your base stress levels leading up to and including the day and make it much harder for you to contribute and really be there in the moment on the day itself. You even agreed to grow to a pixie cut which is a generous offer in itself and a reasonable compromise.
The fact she brought the suit into it shows she has some hidden issues about gender conformity and presentation that she’s obviously not addressed previously and is choosing a frankly ridiculous moment to bring up, now. If she wanted you to wear a dress she should have used her words and said so.
I think there’s more to unpack here than just the hair, tbh, but no, you’re not the jerk here for not growing out your hair.” PsychologicalJob9537
11. AITJ For Lashing Out At My Mom And Her Partner Over Being Excluded From Family Plans?
“Roughly more than a year ago my mother introduced me to her partner.
Since then I and my 3 siblings have been introduced to his three kids and our families have been ‘merged’. Though we still live in separate homes, his family is over at our house all the time, but it’s very obvious he is purposely leaving me and my other older sibling out of the ‘family plans’.
Last year during Thanksgiving, I was informed 3 days before that ALL of his kids (including his adult child) and my 2 younger siblings along with my mother were going to meet our grandparents 6 states over. My older sibling and I were whiplashed as we didn’t have enough time to pull together funds or time off to join them, we brought this up to our mom and she simply said she guessed we could join them next time and she thought we knew.
That left me and my sibling alone for a week during Thanksgiving, in which we each just ended up going to a family member’s house who we don’t see often. We were both very hurt by this incident and brought to each other’s attention how many ‘family trips’ they have had (whether it’s a weekend thing or not) without inviting us or telling us until the day of.
We’ve kept our mouths shut until now, but since Christmas is coming around, we were getting nervous they were going to do the same thing, thankfully they didn’t but we were told to be sure to get his kids gifts as they are now ‘our siblings’.
Having to get gifts for 3 people who we aren’t even close to really sucked, but my sibling and I begrudgingly did so. I don’t remember how it got brought up today, but I found out his kids weren’t getting ANY of my siblings gifts, not even the adult despite them all having jobs.
This really made me mad and I ended up lashing out at both of them, specifically my mother’s partner.
I told him that I don’t care about him or his kids, but if he wants to play family he’s not playing the ‘father’ act well at all.
He retorted that he doesn’t need to share his life with adult kids and to him we’re just our mom’s past. I’ll admit I got nasty after this, telling him his kids are baggage enough and my mother doesn’t need any more kids, and I’ll never look at his spoiled rotten brats as family.
This seemed to really hurt my mom and she started crying, her partner yelled at me to leave so I did, I’m staying at a friend’s right now but I’m wondering if I went too far. I don’t care if I was the jerk to the partner, I already know that part.
But was I a jerk to my mom in this way too? I just don’t want her to forget that she has 2 kids who still see her as their mother and she can’t just forget they exist because her partner won’t acknowledge us.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Invite mum out for coffee. JUST MUM. Have a discussion, I gather you are over 18ish or close to… Tell her. “Mum I love you but I and X have noticed that we have been left out of X’s many family plans for a while now and each time I and my sibling are hurt.
I need to say it. We are your children too. That doesn’t change with how old we are. Your partner saying that we are nothing but your past hurts us more than words can say. It was not just said in anger, he said it as fact.
But he has the double standard of demanding that I and sibling buy his kids gifts but not the other way around. This is not a blended family mum. This is not a positive family. So can you please: 1. Make sure we are invited to things in advance so we can at least plan if we can come.
2. Never leave us out of Thanksgiving again. 3. Tell your partner if we do gifts, everyone does gifts. No one gets left out. For now, since we have been told we are not receiving any gifts I’ll be returning the ones I was forced into buying as it was both unfair and unjust. Please think about this deeply.
I want you to be happy mum, but not at the cost of anyone else’s happiness. We deserve to be treated as family if your partner wants us to be “family”. NTJ. Hugs.” Sassypants2306
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom’s partner called you your mom’s past. He is intentionally leaving you out and leaving you behind.
But your mom is letting him. You need to have a serious conversation with your mother. You may be adults, but you are still her children. If she doesn’t want to be your family anymore, if her “future” is her partner, his kids, and your younger siblings, then she needs to face the harm she’s causing.
If she wants to pick her partner and his kids then make her admit that she’s doing it. Make her face her own behavior. She doesn’t get to abandon you, turn on the waterworks, and pretend she’s the victim. She doesn’t get to be a good person.
The standard you walk past is the standard you accept.” Natural_Garbage7674
10. AITJ For Not Counting My Son's Social Outing Towards His Work Hours?
“My son (23M) lives with me (45F) and has not had a full-time, consistent job for nearly two years.
He struggles with depression, and in my layman’s estimation, a screen-time addiction (80+hrs/wk).
The past 3 years have been littered with false starts in schools (both expensive private ones and community college) and just odd jobs here and there to sustain his car payment and insurance on his own. He refuses to work retail or food services and has no formal education and only a modicum of experience in the skill areas he’s interested in.
He comes to me last week – $2 in his bank account and car insurance due – and asks me for a loan. I tell him no because I don’t want to see him struggling in a debt hole without a reasonable way to get on top of it.
However, I WILL do a secured pre-payment for service. I tell him if he’ll commit to doing 10 hours worth of work for me – errands, the household ‘honey-do’ list, etc. – over 3 days (Friday to Sunday), I will front him the money he needs, plus a little bit of padding.
I do add one condition and tell him that if the 10 hours are not completed by midnight Sunday, the power cable to his laptop will become mine until the hours are completed. (Knowing that the only reason things usually don’t get done is because he’s gaming with friends.) He is grumpy about it, but agrees, as he’s out of short-term options.
(Car insurance is due Friday).
Saturday afternoon he’s completed 5.5 of the 10 hours. He is drained and frustrated from an assembly project I gave him and asks to bail on our previously planned social outing to a concert with some family and friends that evening. I tell him he’s an adult – I’m not going to make him do anything.
I said it was 100% his call whether to come or not. But I highly encouraged him to come, as I felt time away from screens in the real world would do his mental health some good. He comes, but is meh-attitude about it the whole time.
Complains about the music and is on his phone a lot. I pay for his ticket, his dinner, and his two adult beverages while we’re out.
Upon waking at noon on Sunday, he asserts that his “work” obligation is completed by the prior evening’s social outing.
I disagree, saying that “work” is different from “effort”. I realize it took effort to go out, and I applaud that effort. However, earning money is about providing a valuable service to other people, and while I enjoyed his company, that particular effort was really in service to himself.
He did not speak to me the rest of the day, pointedly avoided my direct attempts to be polite and offer pleasantries, and proceeded to hole up in his office and play video games with friends. Today, the work is not complete. I am a person of my word and have now taken his power cable to his computer.
Yes, I should have had the foresight to clarify that going out was not counted towards work, I thought it was patently obvious, but apparently not. BUT – AITJ for not counting his social outing towards his hours worked??”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If going to a concert with friends and family and having my ticket, food, and drinks bought for me counted as work, I would have already quit my job lol.
And I do relate to your son a bit. I definitely view social outings as a bit of effort and I definitely can’t muster up the energy for every outing. I do like skipping social events for an evening of gaming/movies a lot of the time.
However, it sounds like he doesn’t muster up the energy for any outings. There is a balance and never going out will definitely deteriorate his mental health, I am speaking from experience. You absolutely cannot break on your word and let him count the social outing as “work”.
This will just reinforce his current mindset. He needs to figure out how to view having friends and family as a blessing, not a chore.” SocietyAtrophy
Another User Comments:
“I understand that you don’t want to kick him out before Christmas. However, you need to tell him, clearly and calmly, that you’re done.
Give him formal notice now that he must be out of the house by (whatever date you choose, but not more than 30 days), and STICK TO IT. Arrange for police to enforce the eviction, if necessary. As long as you keep enabling him, he has no incentive to make changes.
Getting whapped upside the head with the clue-by-four of grim reality hopefully will jump-start him into doing instead of just being. Good luck, OP. Don’t let him (or anyone) guilt-trip you.” CrazyOldBag
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He needs a job. And you’re right about effort vs work.
If retail and food service are too socially demanding for him, fair enough, but those are not the only jobs. He needs to look for something else. He could do something like overnight stocking. Does your area have any warehouse, manufacturing, or processing work? Do you have UPS or a similar facility that needs loaders?
There are plenty of jobs where you don’t have to talk to anybody but coworkers (and sometimes then only barely), which can be a lot easier for those of us who struggle socially. So while it can make things a bit tougher to rule out those 2 common job categories, it does not make it impossible – it is not an excuse to refuse any work.
When I was in my early 20s and had just returned to community college after 2 years spent never leaving my parents’ house due to depression, severe social anxiety, and some trauma, working at a frozen food processing plant as a low-level QA technician on the graveyard shift worked out very nicely for me.
I’m now 41, happily married for 16 years, and have a job with a very heavy customer service component – taxes. I still struggle with phones a little bit, though I’ve improved tremendously there, too. Not everybody does or needs to get to a place where they can do a job like that, of course.
But I really don’t think I’d be where I am now without that job grading vegetables. I built a bit of much-needed confidence, which despite some struggles and setbacks over time, ultimately put me in a better headspace to take other opportunities. That, and going back to school helped get me out of a bad rut.
He doesn’t need to jump into something super social, again, fair enough if he legitimately can’t handle McDonald’s, WalMart cashiering, or working as a waiter, but he needs to find something.” PinkNGreenFluoride
9. AITJ For Being Upset My Mom Didn't Tell Me About Our Dog's Death?
“Around 2 days ago, my dog passed away (it was heart failure I think). He had always been sickly and stuff but he made it to 14 and peacefully passed away at 9amish. I was at school at the time, and nobody told me. I went to my friend’s house and would’ve come home if someone told me.
I came home from school today and noticed it was empty. I asked my mom why I felt weird and she said “oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you, Bruno (my dog) passed away a few days ago.” I was extremely taken aback as I didn’t know and I felt I should’ve known.
I asked her why she didn’t tell me and she said “you were too busy at your friend’s.” She could’ve called me and told me and I would’ve come home? I told her that I could’ve come home if she told me and I raised my voice.
To give a better context, I have been diagnosed with autism and my GP suspects I may have anger issues. I began shouting at my mom that she should’ve told me and she said I was a brat and I shouldn’t have gone to my friend’s.
I didn’t know my dog was going to die? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. The way your mom told you was cold. However, it seems you went multiple days without checking in at all and when you got home you weren’t even sure why the house felt different?
You didn’t even try to interact with your dog once you got home. If you couldn’t even tell the dog was gone I can see why mom thought you wouldn’t be interested in hearing about his death.” Loud_Ad_6871
Another User Comments:
“I am sorry for your loss. First and foremost. I’m not sure of your relationship with your dog or parents or siblings. I know my children’s though. When our pupper passes, I hope we’ll all be together. In the event we are not, I would evaluate my kids’ whereabouts and where they are for the moment.
Whether it be work or school. Etc. Then I would contact them to get home ASAP. I don’t want them driving with constant tears in their eyes. Super emotional and heartbroken. When our family dog passes that’s going to be a very bad time for my family.
I know this. It definitely wouldn’t be a casual conversation days later. NTJ.” Reddit User
8. AITJ For Retaliating To A Height Joke By Commenting On A Classmate's Nose?
“Yesterday at school, I (M17) was talking to a group of classmates when a classmate (F17) “jokingly” called me short and said that no woman would be attracted to me because of my height.
Now I’m not that short, I’m 178 cm tall which is average I guess but I’m not going to lie, I am a bit insecure about my height, especially since all the guys at my school are like 6’0+
I immediately told her “yeah? Well, you have a blobfish nose, pretty sure no guy is attracted to that.”
After I said this like 5 girls stared at me as that girl left (pretty sure she cried) and one girl told me I was way out of line with that comment because height is a normal thing to comment about, but commenting about a girl’s nose is really terrible which makes no sense to me.
How is it okay for her to comment about my height but not okay for me to comment back about her nose? Another girl told me I was a jerk.
I wanna know, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“You are kids. What both of you said were jerk things, though I assume you wouldn’t have been nasty to her if she had not initiated it.
You matched her energy by stooping down to her level. It was not the mature thing to do but the context of your age is relevant. How both of you proceed will determine whether or not either is the jerk. You could choose to reach out to her, admit that you shouldn’t have retaliated, and try to move on.
If she doesn’t realize that what she said was equally as nasty, move on. Don’t waste your time with her. I realize that the above is easier said than done and I probably wouldn’t have had the maturity myself at 17 to do so but maybe you will do better.
You have come here to reflect so maybe you are at the place where you can take the higher road. Either way, good luck.” Key-Finance-9102
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, bullies should get a taste of their own medicine. Also, I don’t get this height obsession, which seems to have become a lot worse since social apps.
Back when I was seeing someone, there was only ”taller than me”, ”shorter than me”, ”about the same”. I’m curious, since you used cm in your post, do you live in a country where cm is the norm? I’ve had a hypothesis that the rigid 6’0 nonsense is less of a thing where I live (Sweden) for this reason — it’s not like people are posting ”must be 182,88 cm to go out with me” on apps here (at least not to according to my male friends, but this is obviously anecdotal).
I’m 174 cm, and my partners have ranged between 170 cm and 189 cm — for me personally, height has honestly not been a relevant factor at all, in terms of (conscious) attraction. Anyway, anyone who would give you grief over something like this is a trash person and should be treated as such.” victorianfollies
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s saying not to throw stones in glass houses and they’re not wrong, but this still comes off as ESH to me. Unless there’s a missing history here of her teasing you a lot, one poor comment about height vs a rebuttal about facial features just reads as stooping to her level and both of you being petty and cruel.
Congrats, now you both will probably have insecurities about your respective things for years to come. It’s a learning moment I guess, and teen years are hard. For what it’s worth, OP, just about nobody worth seeing actually cares about you being average height, or even short.
I view people who will only see super tall guys through the same lens as the crowd of chronically online men who spend all their time on podcasts saying they’ll only see submissive women who will spend all day cooking for them, or whatever. Not worth it.” missy20201
7. AITJ For Reporting My Mother For Food Stamp Fraud?
“I, a 26-year-old female, have had my brother, who is 15, for 10 years now. I deal with school, dentist, doctors, and therapists. My mom doesn’t talk to him. My mom is a substance user and a narcissist with BPD. She claims him on taxes/food stamps.
She always promises to help me but will give me what she sees as fair.
With it being Christmas, she sold all of them for her “presents”. Leaving me, my brother, my husband, and two daughters, aged 7 & 5, without. I was relying on them this month to feed us.
She, in not nice words, told me to get lost and called me greedy. So I called FSSA and reported her. They told me she can face jail time and I feel so guilty. Also scared she will come and take him, I don’t have custody.
I didn’t want to put him through that. AITJ for reporting her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s abusing the system and ruining it for everyone else. She’s exactly the kind of person that causes people to want to cut funding for programs. She’s not a good person and should have consequences for what she has done.
All that being said, if you were relying on that money for food, check with local food banks. Many are overflowing this time of year because of charity drives many businesses do. They are there for people in need and you’re in need.” duchess_of_fire
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Quite naturally, your mother for failing to parent your brother and not giving him a stable home life or upbringing. For selling the one asset that was supposed to be for him. For pushing her responsibilities to raise him onto you.
For being irresponsible with her life and his. I can’t imagine that she gave you a great upbringing either. Now, I don’t want to–but I have to say that YTJ as well, but to a lesser degree. Since you’re of age now, why haven’t you contacted CPS and had your brother taken out of her custody and reported her neglect?
They would have immediately sought a kinship placement for him and it’s likely that they would have looked to you first. But furthermore…those food stamps are supposed to help feed the household they are established for. I get that times are tough and you definitely deserve assistance for taking care of your brother for all this time, but establishing a dependence on the assistance not earmarked for your household was extremely unwise.
The truth is, your mother giving you the food stamps she was entitled to can be viewed as fraud, as well. If your household is struggling with food insecurity, then go seek assistance based on your family size and circumstances. Check with food pantries in your area to help stock up on staples and basics.
Make sure that you’re not purchasing convenience foods and keep a supply of beans, rice, flour, etc. in your pantry. And honestly? Your mother deserves any punishment she receives. She’s acted terribly.” moew4974
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is a really difficult situation for you all thanks to Mom and her problems. I don’t know what the result of the food stamp reporting will be, it may not be what you wanted, but then it’s also not your fault.
Your mom’s toxic behavior is at the core of this and you have been left with a series of bad options. Showing her there are consequences for her deliberate mistakes is a reasonable option to choose.” cascadia1979
6. AITJ For Refusing To Split The Cost Of A Shared Item I Didn't Agree To Buy?
“I live with three roommates, and the other day, they all went out to the mall to hang out without even inviting me.
I was left at home alone, and honestly, it made me feel kind of left out.
Later, when they came back, they sent a message in our group chat saying they bought a flower vase for the house and wanted to split the cost four ways, including me.
The thing is, I wasn’t part of the decision, and they didn’t even bother asking me if I was okay with it.
It’s only $3, so it’s not about the money, but I feel like it’s unfair since I wasn’t included in any of this.
I see them as friends, so it hurt that no one even thought to invite me or ask my opinion.
Would I be the jerk if I refused to pay?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Paying for ‘shared household items’ is stupid. When the house splits up, someone is going to have to take it, which means paying out the others who put in for it.
Or just getting it for less than it’s worth. Never go in on shared items unless you’ve decided beforehand who’s keeping it. Even then, I wouldn’t. “You’re keeping it. I’ll be careful with it, and if I break it, I’ll replace it.” I just can already see the squabbling when it’s time to move out for one or more people and “but I paid for x of this!, it’s mine!” is going to be all you hear (or say) for days.
Buy your own things. Do not put in on shared things. “I don’t plan on keeping/taking it when I go, so no thank you.”” Perimentalpause
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think it’s time everyone had a sit-down meeting and discussed house decorations. Are you going to cut that vase four ways when you split up and move out?
How will that work? A $12 vase should be owned by someone. And then… if you are feeling upset about this there’s other stuff going on. Work out how to clear the air on that. They should be able to go out and about without you and make minor inconsequential choices like this, you don’t need four people to go buy a vase (you don’t need three either!).
You can’t control or make agreements about how people spend their time, or who with. But you can say “if it’s a purchase that you expect the whole house to chip in on then the whole house gets a say”.” Particular-Try5584
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for not wanting to pay for an item you never asked them to buy, and that they left you out of choosing. But be aware that $3 is the hill you’re choosing to die on. Refusing to pay will most likely deepen the rift they’re already starting to create.
If you still like these people and/or are stuck living with them for months, I’d request a group meeting. I’d pay the $3 to keep the peace for now (and start a Google spreadsheet of all the things you’ve contributed money to) NOT because I think you should have to but because it would suck trying to find somewhere else to live at Christmas/New Year’s.
Issues as I see it: Are they aware that going out as a trio made you feel left out, as you were literally left behind? It’s fine if they sometimes want to hang as a trio, but they need to not make decisions for the entire household if you’re not present.
Do they still want the four of you to live together beyond the current lease? If so, it would be fair to include you more. Again, it’s not that they should have to include you every single time, but they should show you basic courtesy & communication if they want the group to get along.
(Brace yourself in case they don’t want to live with you anymore.) It’s fair to discuss whether you all agree to pay for shared items equally, and what the plan is at the end of your lease: who will take the items, etc. It’s fair that if you do decide to pay for shared items, you should agree on a budget.” throwaway798319
5. AITJ For Wanting To Start Our Own Christmas Traditions Away From Our Parents?
“My (27M) wife (26F) and I live 3 hours from our parents and we recently got married. We talked about wanting to spend Christmas Eve/Christmas Day at home this year to start our own traditions and spend time together.
We told our parents that we were going to come home the weekend before Christmas to spend some time with the families instead of on Tuesday/Wednesday this year.
Really we would like to do our own thing, see Christmas lights, presents, cocktails, football, movies instead of doing the same old traditions and sleeping in our childhood bedrooms and being away from home.
This did not go over well and now I feel like they are just going to be bitter when we are there on the 21st/22nd. Are we ruining Christmas?”
Another User Comments:
“Hold your ground. You are absolutely right that you should/can/want to start your own traditions.
Family getting together anytime should be the standard. Your families are just not ready to accept change in their routine/tradition. We celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas when we can, sometime around the date, once we did both in mid-December. That way, each family can spend those days either with in-laws or their own nuclear family.
When/if you have children, it will be more important to you to stay home for Christmas Eve/day. I have a friend who got so tired of her mother trying to force her, her husband, and eventually her children to spend the day with HER and too bad about his family (20 minutes away) that she started planning family trips for Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s and Easter.
Just her, spouse, and then kids. She was always relaxed, didn’t have the fights – well, her mom complained, she just said, we will be gone, see you when we get back. As my son says, when you get married your spouse and children are your family, the rest are relatives.
Doesn’t mean you don’t love them and want to see them, but your family is most important. I’m okay with that, his BILs agree with him, there is less strife, and all the kids like getting together at a different time, because they can enjoy themselves and not go to numerous houses.” Tinkerpro
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They need to remember what it was like to be a new, young, family (kids or no kids doesn’t matter) and wanting to start your own traditions. As well as how hectic it is to try to please all sides of the family etc. Wanting to be in your own home is perfectly reasonable.
The only suggestion is you should have ASKED if the dates you mentioned worked for them instead of saying this is when we are coming. Maybe giving them two sets of dates to choose from so it goes over better.” elsie78
Another User Comments:
“It’s hard for parents and I am at that stage and beyond.
But we parents have to get over dictating what everyone does at Christmas. I have three kids and seven grandkids. I just sucked it up and said, “you three and your families work out the best time to get together and that will be fine with me”.
You offered a reasonable compromise to parents and they could have graciously accepted but they are having a hard time doing that. That doesn’t mean you are wrong. Stick to your guns. I spent too many Christmases driving little kids between various relatives’ houses, everyone who wanted to see them.
I refuse to do that to my kids. It works out fine not always having everyone there. Do I miss them? Sure. But young families get to decide what works best for them and the older generation needs to be gracious about it.” WilliamTindale8
4. AITJ For Refusing To Lend My College Fund To My Struggling Cousin?
“My (18F) cousin (22M) wants to move to another city to finish his last years of college.
He’s been failing his chosen program for a bit now, and he’s convinced that switching locations will help him finally finish his degree. He’s even talked to his mother about it, but from what I’ve heard, she hasn’t exactly been pleased as it’s going to cost a lot—around 5 digits in my country’s currency, from his estimation.
New city, far away from where we currently live now, and the everyday basic needs aren’t even counted in said estimation, such as rent, food, electricity, and the likes; it could cost more than 5 digits if we really consider everything.
Our grandmother is asking me to lend him the money, but I just received that amount back from another family member who I had lent it to for personal reasons.
I had agreed to lend the money a year ago and, recently, I just received 90% of it. Now, on the same day I received this money, my grandmother is asking me if I could lend about 80% of what I got back to my cousin for his education.
I’m about to start college myself in a few months, and this money was meant to help me secure my future. I don’t want to sound selfish, but I’m scared that lending him this money will derail my own plans. I know my cousin’s situation is difficult, but he has been struggling in his program for quite a bit now.
Personally, if you ask me, I have no hope for him in this program he’s chosen to take, even if he seems so convinced that changing universities and locations will help him complete it if it really seems like this path may not be for him, given he has repeated a year or so in said college program due to not meeting the required units passed to go on to the next year of college.
His chances of actually finishing seem pretty slim, given how much he has been failing to pass, and I’m not sure I want to risk my future for someone who hasn’t been able to get it together yet, no offense. I want to talk about it with my family once more as we have already talked about this before and try to convince him to switch to something more feasible and one that will help him finally graduate as it has been one of his greatest concerns, but he has been pretty adamant about finishing this program, even going as far to say as “If I’m not graduating with this program, then better not graduate at all”.
I don’t want to disappoint my family, but I’m genuinely torn. If I lend him the money, I might jeopardize my own education and the future I’ve planned for myself. I feel like I’m being selfish by not helping, but at the same time, I need to think about myself.
I’ve talked to my parents about this, but so far they haven’t given me any answers and keep changing the subject.
So, WIBTJ for refusing to lend my college fund to my cousin?”
Another User Comments:
“NO. Do not do it. You will never get that money back.
Do not jeopardize your own education or life for anyone other than your husband or kids. You don’t have either yet, therefore your money is only to be spent on yourself. Tell your grandmother you’re not able to give your cousin any money, but since she feels so passionately about helping him you’ll gladly drive her to the bank so she can take out a loan herself to help him.
Your family are all jerks. Trying to take money from an 18-year-old kid? To help someone else? GTFO. NTJ.” Katiew84
Another User Comments:
“It’s only a loan if he can realistically pay you back.. doesn’t sound like he could.. so….. your grandmother is asking you to “gift” your cousin the money.
I say gift because you’re going to need this money in approximately 2 years for your own education… how realistic is it that the cousin.. his parents or your grandmother can pay you back? Considering that they are asking an 18-year-old for money.. my guess is that NO ONE can scrunch up the cash.
So… it’s a “gift”. And imagine what names they will call you when you ask for your money back after your cousin fails school. How selfish/heartless of you to kick them while they’re down. You’re not being selfish for not helping.. your grandmother asking this of you is selfish.” Aggressive_Cup8452
Another User Comments:
“Don’t do it! Your education comes first! Your entire family will bully you until they get what they want. Don’t fall for it! It’s not your responsibility to pay for your family’s problems. The number one rule in life is never lend money to anyone, ever!
Especially to relatives and friends. You will never see it again. Your first mistake was lending the money you just got returned to you. Now your family will always treat you like a bank. It’s despicable when family acts like that and tries to guilt trip you.
Distance yourself from them. Go to college and limit contact. They will destroy your financial stability. What horrible people to treat their own family member like that.” Legitimate-March9792
3. AITJ For Avoiding Complex Movies With My Wife?
“I love my wife. She is intelligent and sweet. Also she is beautiful inside and out. She teaches high school English and Social Studies. She loves novels and usually has several on the go.
However, she cannot follow the plot of a movie to save her life.
Unless it is about a big city lawyer visiting her hometown to shut down the local factory but instead reconnecting with her high school partner who is also the local baker and mayor.
I’ve known this about her for years and I have accepted it.
I just like vegging with her so I am happy to see white people rediscovering the magic of Christmas. Or whatever.
When we were together we watched The Matrix. The questions she asked had me wondering about her. Ditto for anything complex. Even The Usual Suspects where they lay everything out for you she didn’t get the ending.
We had her sister and brother-in-law over for a couples night on Friday. We made supper and the plan was to watch a movie. Her sister wanted to watch Shutter Island. I will not spoil it but the movie has many twists. The ending is awesome.
I tried my best to suggest anything else. The new Laura Dern movie where she has a thing with the kid from Hunger Games. They all ganged up on me and said we were watching Shutter Island.
My wife proceeded to embarrass herself by not understanding the ending and asking questions that were not great.
Her sister and her husband were looking at my wife like she was Simple Jack. I tried my best to cover for her or tell her I would explain it later. She got mad at me for not just answering her questions.
After they left she started in on me.
She said that she noticed that we always watched a certain kind of movie and that she thought I enjoyed them. I said I did because we got to spend time together and that made me happy.
She said that she was not an idiot and that she just didn’t concentrate on movies.
She recited the plots of several novels to prove her point. I said that I had never commented on her intelligence and that she was smarter than me. She says that I’m a jerk for not watching movies I enjoy with her.
So I agreed and we watched Memento today.
I think her head almost exploded from not asking questions. I saw her on Wikipedia reading the plot.
AITJ for intentionally not watching complicated movies with my wife?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I can understand why you picked movies you could both enjoy, and I can see why she might be a bit miffed at the miscommunication.
Having said that, maybe she’s already found the solution to the problem. You both watch the complex movie together, and then she reads the plot summary so she can process the information in a way that makes sense to her. Then she doesn’t have to ask questions, and you can both enjoy movies together.
Depending on how her brain works, she might even enjoy reading the plot summary first, and then watching it with you. She might be able to enjoy the movie even more. It’d be like when you watch a movie about a book you read, but this time everything is accurate because the “book” is the plot summary.” aldergirl
Another User Comments:
“Not sure how to vote, but leaning towards YTJ. While it does sound annoying for you, the way you talk about your wife is kinda condescending. It’s like you think that because she has trouble following one specific type of movie (cerebral + plot twisty) that she can only handle crappy chick flicks (AND you’re embarrassed for her by that).
You also basically talked down to her in front of her sister and BIL. Are you even so sure they really thought she was so stupid? Or that they were that bothered by her not getting the twist? What I really don’t get is this: why is the only alternative to movies with plot twists designed to mess with your head Hallmark movies?
Like, there are plenty of other genres out there. Pick something better than Hallmark but with not so many plot twists. It can’t be that hard. (Or, as someone else suggested, if you HAVE to pick something with a big reveal at the end, let her read the plot summary on IMDB either before or after the movie so she can process it better.)” Organic_Draft_4578
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s small and you can come back from it, but there are things to address: 1. It doesn’t sound like you ever tried to talk to her about this. Adults communicate. You didn’t. 2. It seems like your plan was to watch a kind of movie that neither of you particularly enjoyed. Thus, neither of you got any enjoyment out of it.
This is a terrible plan. 3. Her sister is definitely aware of your wife’s tendency to ask questions during movies. I doubt she was surprised and I’m sure she wasn’t thinking she’s dumb like you assumed she did. 4. This whole thing comes off as you believing it’s an intelligence issue instead of anything else.
And that’s not a great way to think about your wife. Ultimately, it’s just kind of condescending. That, plus your failure to actually communicate the problem means she’s totally justified in being angry at you. You need to apologize for not talking to her like an adult, and ask her what would help her follow the plot of movies better.
Then, hopefully, you two can actually enjoy watching movies together.” Reina_Royale
2. AITJ For Expecting An Apology From My In-Laws For Always Being Late And Disrespectful?
“I have been married to my husband for fifteen years. In that time I have taken over preparing holidays for his family and our small family. His parents have always shown up late to every holiday. Not 10 or even 20 minutes late but an hour to 2 hours late.
My husband and I have discussed that I feel it is rude and inconsiderate but he refuses to speak to them about it. Instead telling me I should just get over it. We had decided together that they would not bring any significant part of the meal, as they were always late.
This year was no different and my husband forgot that we had made that deal. So his mother was bringing mashed potatoes. He refused and acted insulted when I tried to purchase potatoes.
In typical fashion, his parents showed up 1 hour late. Which meant we had to wait for them to eat and the food I had spent all day preparing sat for an hour.
They offered no apology and just became demanding at once. Wanting things cut and requiring I fetch things for them. During the meal, they thanked my husband for preparing everything. Which he explained that I did it all. They then said we’ll it’s a joint effort.
Am I the jerk for thinking his family owes me an apology?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. In-laws did what they always do (which sucks, but it’s insincere to be surprised/offended after 15 years). Why did you wait to eat? You know they are going to be very late.
It’s like you wanted an excuse to get mad again, about an issue that is NOT new. You cannot control other people, only your reaction. Set some very simple boundaries: meal time is meal time and let go of any expectations of change, because they obviously don’t care and you can’t make them care.
Your husband is certainly welcome to wait to eat if he wants, I guess.” Cold-Dragonfly-921
Another User Comments:
“You’re not the jerk but I think the bigger problem you have than the In-laws Problem is the Husband Problem. It’s good that he at least had the basic decency to give you credit for the meal but he is a massive part of why the In-law Problem still exists.
He is enabling them and dismissing your concerns, not to mention seems perfectly fine with your hard work being wasted by their inconsideration… he shouldn’t be ok with the disrespect they are showing you. Their insistence on not recognizing or acknowledging you (your efforts) is also a piece of the puzzle.
They don’t respect you. They don’t seem to have much respect for him but since he goes along, they act slightly more favorable to him. To me, he’s being spineless. I would tell him you won’t be hosting holiday gatherings for his family any longer until he agrees to actually take action to get them to approve, and then hold your ground.
I see no reason why this should be your job, when they can’t do the bare minimum to show up and express gratitude. His refusal to accept any criticism of them (being offended when you consider buying backup potatoes anticipating they’ll be late) is a sign of where his loyalties fall, which is disappointing for your marriage.
But you don’t have to be subject to his and their disrespect.” owls_and_cardinals
Another User Comments:
“I firmly believe we train other people how to treat us through the boundaries we set and our willingness to enforce them. You know they are habitually late, yet you continually feed into the problem by not establishing boundaries.
Here’s how you do that as the chief cook: “We’re meeting at noon. Dinner will be served at 1 pm. We will be starting dinner on time, so if you’re late, you’ll have to serve yourself with the leftovers.” Or if they are making you late to go somewhere: “We are meeting at 12:45.
The car leaves promptly at 1 pm. If you’re not there and ready to go when we’re ready to leave, we’ll assume you’re finding your own way.” Then follow through. Every. Single. Time. No, you don’t heat the food up for them.
You point them to the kitchen so they can help themselves because your job is done for the day. If your husband doesn’t like it, he can get his butt off of the couch to serve his parents and keep them company at the table while you go about your business.
They’ll either figure it out or always get cold or reheated food from their son. If you’re meeting them at a restaurant, you order yourself food fifteen minutes after the agreed-upon meet time. Yes, they’ll be angry. They’ll act aggrieved. Let them.
Your response is a passive “I’m not interested” facial expression as you refuse to engage in the debate. As for your husband being insulted about your having potatoes as a backup, he gets no vote since he’s a spineless wuss that doesn’t set appropriate boundaries for his parents.
Everyone sucks here.” CPSue
1. AITJ For Not Wanting My Partner's Disrespectful Brother To Live With Us After We Marry?
“My (24F) partner (25M) and I have been together for 4 years, planning to marry in 2-3 years. His family lives overseas, and he’s been independent since a young age. Future plans have been coming up, including his wish for his brother (15M) to move here in 2-3 years, finish high school, and attend college while living with him.
We currently live separately and decided not to move in until marriage. Our relationship has generally been respectful and communicative, though the last year has been rocky, primarily due to family-related issues.
My issue is if we are planning to get married in 2-3 years and his brother comes to live with him then, that would mean that our married life would start off with 3 people in the family.
I have told him that if his brother is coming here to finish high school and not an adult yet, then he can stay with us. While this would make me somewhat uncomfortable to start my marriage in a house with my husband and his brother, I understand that his teenage brother would not be able to live by himself.
However, my partner is persistent in having his brother stay with him, even after he starts college and finishes college.
To give a bit of context, I have spent time with his family to get to know them. His brother looks up to my partner a lot, has love and respect for him and would do almost anything that my partner tells him to do.
However, his attitude towards me is not the same. He often is very disrespectful towards me, calls me names “jokingly”, or even treats me like I am not better than anyone in his family. Their family laughs it off saying that “he is just being a teenager”.
Like I mentioned earlier, while I don’t have siblings, my cousins are the closest to me and some are around the same age as my partner’s brother. They have never been rude to my partner; if there was a time when they have, I have made it clear that it was not okay.
Therefore, I expect the same respect from my partner.
I suggested that his brother can stay with us until he is 18. However, after his brother turns 18, he would have to move out. This would be when he goes to college after high school. Furthermore, if my partner is worried about his brother, we can have him live next door, as long as it is not under the same roof, and I get my privacy in my own home.
However, my partner did not like this idea.
We had a lot of arguments about this and my partner would not budge from this decision. At this point, I told him that if after we get married, I cannot spend private time with my husband, then I would not be okay with continuing this relationship.
My partner accused me of trying to keep his family away from him. He went as far as to tell me that because I am an only child, I never understood the value of family. I am just upset, feel disrespected, hurt and heartbroken. I have thought about this for a while, and I have decided that if my partner and I are not on the same page about this, it would be best to break up and go our separate ways.
To this, my partner accused me of giving him an ultimatum.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Even without the brother’s attitude towards you, it’s reasonable for you to want to have some privacy when you are newlyweds. Add to this the brother’s lack of respect, and you pretty much have an air-tight case.
The whole “he’s just being a teenager” or calling it “jokes” is a sign that the whole family has a level of disrespect towards you, otherwise they would require that he treat you respectfully. In the end, having someone live in your home (even a family member) is a “two yes, one no” kind of thing – either one of you has a veto in this decision because it has such a big impact on your life.
And you have made a huge compromise by saying that he can stay until he is 18. The fact that your fiance is not willing to compromise in any way is not a good sign for the future.” bamf1701
Another User Comments:
“So you are 24 and have been together for 4 years which means you started seeing each other at 20 and then you want to marry at 2-3 years which means 26-27.
Are you sure the person that fits your criteria at 20 fits them to marry for the rest of your life? Sounds to me like your partner is not respectful towards you and tries to manipulate you into saying yes by accusing you. Also, keep in mind that your partner will ask you to do all sorts of things for his brother like cook for him, clean up after him, etc. Do you want to take on all that extra work and basically “raise” someone who disrespects you already?
And if that is his behavior in front of his parents what will it be when no one is present? NTJ.” katcatm
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Tell him your partner should be your priority. As long as you allow your brother to disrespect me in my own home he’s not welcome to begin with.
But frankly, the idea that after getting married we don’t even get to start our life as a family on our own is such a big turn-off, it might be better to not get married at all. Your unwillingness to have my back has me reconsider this entire relationship.
You don’t tell your brother off when he’s disrespectful, nor give him consequences for it. And I’m not signing up for 7 years of being disrespected in my own home while my supposed husband will not have my back.” Mera1506
