People Dwell On Their Ethics In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
12. AITJ For Doing A Bridal Shoot Around The Same Time As My Brother's Wedding?
“I (25f) am a hotel receptionist and I do modeling on the side. I did a bridal gown photoshoot 3 weeks before my brother’s wedding but the ad came yesterday.
It was for a local boutique which isn’t really big, they have maybe 2 branches in our region.
My brother (Simon 30) got married last week but they postponed their honeymoon because of his job. So when the ad came out yesterday, my SIL (Nancy 29f) saw it (a medium sized-LED screen) in the shopping center.
(I also posted some photos on my social media account) She called me and asked why I have bridal photos in the city center and I told her I got an offer to model bridal gowns for this boutique. I then asked her what she thought of my photos.
Honestly, I was expecting feedback like “you looked beautiful” or “the gowns looked good on you”, but instead she yelled at me on the phone and accused me of being jealous of her. I was surprised because Nancy and I are friendly with each other, I didn’t expect her to blow up on me like that.
She hung up on me and a few minutes later I got a call from her sister, who sounded really upset with me for stealing her sister’s thunder. I told her Nancy’s wedding was literally 7 days ago, so why are they accusing me of stealing her thunder?
We got into a verbal altercation, she called me names, and I retaliated and called her names before I hung up.
Last night I saw a TikTok video about the whole situation and a lot of Nancy’s friends are siding with her, they said I was jealous of the bride that’s why I did the photoshoot.
They’re also commenting nasty things on my socials so I had to turn the comment section off. I asked Simon to talk to his wife but he wants nothing to do with it. Am I missing something here? Because quite frankly I don’t understand why I am a jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
How long is it going to take for her to think everyone should still be focused on her? Like you said, it was 7 DAYS ago. Is she going to accuse you after 2 weeks… a month or 2… a year after…?
She needs a grip on reality and a reminder that while you are happy for the newlywed couple, they have had their wedding day.
Ignore all her cliquey friends and tell your brother to grow a little bit of a backbone and tell his new wife to stop being a catty little what child… otherwise, good luck to him for living with that for the rest of his married life.
Good for you OP for doing that shoot and sticking up for yourself over something you had NO CONTROL over – I’m sure those dresses looked amazing on you!” sunshinemight
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Being hired for a job is very different from showing up on the wedding day in white or something.
Perhaps she’s unhappy that you look so much better than she did at her wedding – it honestly sounds by the way she’s reacting is some sort of comparison she’s making between the two of you; I’m sure you looked amazing and that insecure part of her is rearing its ugly little head.” ace_krusher
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
What are you supposed to do, clear all modeling jobs with your SIL before accepting?
Tell the electrical goods store you can’t do their Mother’s Day catalog because your SIL is trying for a baby? The furniture store you can’t do their campaign because your SIL just bought a new couch?
And you can’t promote fresh fruit and veg for the greengrocer, because your SIL once ate a carrot?” HokeyPokeyGuestList
11. AITJ For Telling My Cousin That I Don't Always Have To Feed Him?
“My (18f) cousin (25M) is struggling financially at the moment. He has no job and struggling to find one. So, for the past 8 weeks, he’d go to the apartment I lived in and ask if I have some leftover food.
Now because of his situation, my mother told me to cook food for the two of us (she said that we should help him as much as we could since he grew up not having parents), which I did without complaints. The rice and side dishes we ate are all paid for by my allowance.
Now, when I got home from school which is quite late he was already there talking to my other cousin in which they jokingly said right away after seeing me, that he’d been waiting for ages for me and he was super hungry. I forgot about him and told him that I already ate with my friends and told him to just cook for himself or buy ready-made food to which he answered me with just a nod, and kept on talking about me eating out and not even thinking about him and not bringing food for him.
I didn’t say anything and my other cousin was just laughing because he is saying it in a joking way but obviously irritated.
While he was cooking, I went into my room, grabbed some money from my bag, and went to the kitchen to give it to him so he could buy the food he wants to eat.
He continues to say a lot of things about me being selfish when “I know” he’d always eat at our apartment and now I’ve made him wait and not brought any food. I’m tired from school and so I suddenly got irritated by all of what he is saying so to I told him I’m not obligated to feed/give him food and that my allowance isn’t actually enough for me but I didn’t complain this whole time, and so he doesn’t have the right to complain to me (I said it in a joking tone).
He went silent as well as my other cousin and just stared at me.
After a few seconds, he stands up and went home without saying anything. My other cousin didn’t say anything to me as well and just went on with what they were doing. I went to my room confused (I know I’m stupid for not getting it right away with their expressions that what I said was offensive.)
He never came to our apartment after that. He also ignores me whenever we see each other outside. The good thing is he doesn’t seem to starve since I saw them at a restaurant eating with his partner, and sometimes I’d see him buying lots of food.
Now when my mom visited me, I told her about the situation since she asked my cousin to join us for dinner in which he refused (the first time he refused).
My mom got super angry at me and told me that what I said was offensive and embarrassing for him knowing he’s older than me and knows what his situation is rn, continues saying I’m being a jerk and insensitive knowing he’s struggling and has no parents, and that it’s just food, and that I know he says things jokingly all the time, etc., etc. Now she’s telling me to apologize, which all of my cousins agreed and it’s quite hard for me since he’s ignoring me.
Am I really the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ he could obviously afford food if he was going out with his partner and was buying food. Also, why didn’t he go to his partner for food?
If I were you I would call him to meet so you can talk and just explain to him how you feel.
Because he was taking advantage of your kindness. Explain to him you yourself are struggling for food and didn’t need him being dependent on you. That the jokes weren’t jokes. He’s an adult and he should take some responsibility for his actions here as something you were offering out of kindness has become something that he expected. Which shouldn’t be the case.
I don’t think you should apologize for what you said but for how you said it but explain your emotions were high because of his ‘teasing.’
If he’s struggling with money then he needs to budget and realize that he’s not the only one. He was the jerk for how he acted.” cfmarie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
He’s seven years older than you, leeching off your allowance and you’re clearly not the only source of food in his life. Why is it your responsibility?
I’m sorry that he doesn’t have parents but how is that relevant? There are millions that don’t have parents, for whatever reason, and they manage to feed themselves.
If your mother was giving you money to cover his costs, I’d be more sympathetic to her viewpoint but from what you’ve written, he sounds like a jerk and she sounds like she’s trying to get you to apologize and do what you’re told to keep her and everyone else happy.” Saphira404
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He won’t prepare frozen food because you are his servant? What?
You told him the truth. It is not your job to feed him. He needs to know that you are already giving up your money and time. Maybe he could be appreciative.
And don’t tell me he can’t find ANY job.
Just not the ones he deems worthy. To me, if you aren’t eating, they all seem worthy.
It sounds like you are at that bad place where your mom still thinks you are an extension of her, not your own person, and is more worried about what people will think of her instead of looking out for you.
That she is not lecturing your cousin for guilting you and making it seem like you owed him a meal is wrong. Maybe mom wants to start giving him a food allowance since she doesn’t mind you giving up yours.
Just for your own piece of mind, I think you might want to start documenting some of the events that happen.
This sounds to me like something that will come back up in a year or three, and they will surely rewrite history to make it seem worse for you and better for him. Or hold conversations about it in text, so you have some record.
The mistake people make is trying to get the other person to see their viewpoint.
When in actuality, you only need mom and cousin to understand your boundaries. Find a sentence that can be your mantra. For example: “I am not your servant and not a bank, food is available for you to make.”
Mom’s solution is not a solution. Her idea that you should shut up is the easiest path for her.
Nothing more. Definitely not a resolution. Good luck.” Parasamgate
10. AITJ For Not Rushing Home When My Husband Needed Help With The Baby?
“Husband is in a huge snit about this and has taken himself to the spare room over it.
Tonight was the first time since giving birth 7 months ago that I have been out at night, by which I mean I didn’t do the baby’s bedtime feed and routine. I left to go to the cinema with a friend shortly before his bedtime routine would begin.
My husband used to help for the first 3 months with evenings but has since said he’s too busy/tired from work so I do it. I talked him through the baby’s routine, the room temp, lighting, noise, etc preferences he has, and my husband assured me he had everything under control.
The move barely started when I started getting calls from my husband. I texted to ask him what was wrong and he said the baby wasn’t sleeping. I texted him back with reminders of how baby prefers things and he said he had done it all.
I checked the baby monitor (the camera covers most of the room) and could see that the room lights were on, the white noise machine was off, and he hadn’t tucked the baby into his blanket.
I texted him to say as much and he started calling me again despite knowing I’m in the theatre.
He texted me to come home and put the baby to bed. I told him I was sure he had everything in hand and put my phone on do not disturb.
I did periodically check on the baby via the monitor and he was okay once my husband actually followed the sleep routine.
After the movie, I saw that my husband had continued to call me for like the next hour after we last spoke.
When I got home he started arguing with me for ignoring his calls and berating me because I left him alone.
I offered to show him bedtime for the last two days before going out and he didn’t want to know. AITJ for ignoring his calls and not helping with the baby?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is called malicious willful ignorance on your husband’s part. He didn’t know what to do because he didn’t WANT to know what to do—he wanted you to come home and do it for him.
He needs to face the fact that he’s a father now, and being a father means dealing with the everyday stuff of having a baby…like feeding and putting the kid to bed.
Don’t back down, OP, or you’ll be feeling like a single parent for a long time.” claireclairey
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you deserve some time to yourself, and your husband should have been able to handle putting a 7-month-old baby to bed. The fact that he still doesn’t know how to do this after 7 months says a lot about him. You tried to show him, he said he didn’t need the help, that’s on him.
I think your husband needs to step up his game quite a bit – being tired after work does not excuse him from being a parent.” DisneyBuckeye
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and you need to stand up for yourself as well as your baby. That’s his child and he should know how to take care of the child at 7 months old.
There’s no reason why you should have waited this long to get a night out for yourself which goes to show how selfish he is because he’s been making you do everything all by yourself for a few months. You need to make it clear as day that he is your partner and the father of your child so he needs to put in the work otherwise you could leave him and find someone who actually would care about you and the baby.
He’s sleeping in the other room to punish you so that you won’t make the mistake of having a night to yourself again. That’s manipulative and abusive on his part, so don’t let him make you feel bad when you wanted to see a movie with a friend.
He had the chance to learn how to do things properly but he didn’t care enough to do so, he most likely just wanted to bother you during your movie to make you feel that you can’t go out because he’s incapable of taking care of the baby.
He doesn’t want you to go out and have some fun, he wants to keep you at home taking care of the baby by yourself.
Simply put: He doesn’t want the responsibility although his actions lead to the consequence of producing a child. He thinks YOU have full ownership of his actions.” theazurerose
9. AITJ For Asking To Eat Privately?
“I was eating lunch out in the park and having a quiet conversation on my phone. A school bus pulled up and a group of very rowdy students and adults from a local recreation center got off and began to play in the field.
One of the teachers brought a student over to the picnic tables. Instead of sitting the child at any of the 11 unoccupied picnic tables in the immediate area, she sat him at the one that I was using. Keep in mind, I had been the only one there.
All of the other tables were available.
“I’d actually prefer to eat privately,” I said to the teacher.
“No, you’re fine,” was her reply.
Since she obviously wasn’t going to move the child to any of the vacant picnic tables, I packed up my lunch. As I was going, I said to the teachers, “There were all these open tables.
This is pretty rude.”
Their collective response was that this is a public park and I don’t own the picnic tables. I agreed with them, but I persisted that they chose to use the one table where someone was quietly minding his own business. This is like going into a movie theater where only one person is sitting in the middle of the theater and deciding to take the seat smack dab next to them.
Or getting on a bus where there are loads of open seats but deciding to take the seat right next to someone. They are crowding someone when there is an obvious alternative.
But besides being invasive to me, it’s also questionable judgment to decide that the best place to seat a child is next to a random stranger at the park.
Good thing I’m not some sicko. Also, I think if the situation had been reversed, if the kids had been at the table first and I had just wandered by and sat down with them, the teachers would obviously be perturbed.
So what do you think? The teachers all reacted as if I was being really unreasonable.
With eleven open tables and only one occupied, I think it’s just plain rude to choose the one that’s occupied. Yes, it’s a public park. Yes, you have the right to seat the child at the table. No, I don’t own the table. But all that being said, choosing my table seemed like an obviously rude thing to do.
You can have the right to do something and that thing can still be a rude thing to do.
Was I a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“They were definitely jerks, and bad teachers to boot. You were not overreacting, unless when you complained, and they didn’t get it, you started yelling and otherwise going ballistic.
Which I would totally have done, but I would be a jerk to do so. Just the kind of jerk they shouldn’t park a kid with.” Crivens1
Another User Comments:
“If I’m going into a bar where there’s only a few vacant seats, I politely ask the stranger next to me, “do you mind if I sit here?” If the seat is vacant, they kind of have to say yes, but I showed them that I respect their space.
You’re not the jerk. Teachers being all like, ‘Dude, you don’t own the picnic tables, witch.’ That’s messed up.” PM_ME_UR_FLOWERS
8. AITJ For Telling My Wife She Needs To Order Off The Kid's Menu?
“My wife has never been a big eater. That’s fine, and I don’t have a problem with it. What I do have a problem with is that my wife is somehow also a greedy eater. She always prefers a large variety of foods together at a time just in smaller portions.
At home, this is annoying but it’s manageable. When we go out to eat though, it becomes a nightmare.
She will order whatever can get her the most variety of options, ignoring the cost. She will add sides, appetizers, and desserts to her meal, only to eat one or two bites of each thing she orders.
Maybe this would be manageable if she ate leftovers, but she refuses to so all the food just ends up going to waste. Most of the time, I find myself ordering small meals and eating what remains of her orders just to try and justify it, but I don’t like 90% of what she orders and just want to eat my own meal.
A week ago, I got incredibly annoyed when she ordered herself a full rack of ribs and an appetizer only to eat like 20% of each. I only ordered a salad so I could finish the rest off but I hated the sauces she chose for the ribs and most of the appetizer went untouched.
As we were leaving, I told her that I’m sick of spending 40+$ on her alone for food she does not end up finishing. I told her that from now on, she can either order 2 things off the kid’s menu or we can work out something we both will enjoy and share.
She ignored me and thought I was not serious. Well, last night we went out to a wing place. As we sat down, I asked for a kid’s menu and she got confused. When we started talking and I told her that she either needed to order off the kid’s menu or share with me, she got quiet and refused to talk to me and started saying that I’m insulting and belittling her.
We ended up going out into the parking lot and having a fight before she got an uber home.
She’s not talking to me now, and this morning I got a call from her dad screaming at me for what I did. I’m having second thoughts now about this.”
Another User Comments:
“Easy solution. Go Dutch when you dine out (each pay your own way). Then she can waste (or not waste) money/food. And you don’t have to worry about it (seriously – if she’s paying for her own food, say nothing and let her make her own choices.
Also don’t eat her leftovers.)
Be kind (not snarky) when you suggest this. I’d suggest apologizing for embarrassing her with the kid’s menu – that was pretty condescending – and say, ‘it probably makes the most sense if we go Dutch in the future. That way you can order whatever you like, I can order whatever I like, and we don’t fight.'” SingleAlfredoFemale
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna go with a soft ESH.
You should have communicated better with her, and talked about it rather than forcing it on her. This would have made it a bit easier to navigate.
But you are right that she shouldn’t be ordering so much if she’s not going to eat it.
Wasting food in such large quantities is beyond privileged, and I think you should tell her that.” LilMoon317
Another User Comments:
“ESH. What she’s doing is wasteful and frustrating, but you aren’t entitled to control the eating habits of another adult.
Other ways to solve this?
- Assuming you have separate incomes and a budget, split the check.
Let her spend or waste her own “fun budget” money
- Try the Tapas thing or buffets, sushi, a la carte, etc
- Don’t go to restaurants. Have picnics
- Focus on one restaurant each month, season, year, etc. She could order one dish each visit until she’s satisfied her curiosity
- Go to marriage counseling. This doesn’t seem like a deal breaker, but it is kinda weird.” simplewilddog
7. AITJ For Wanting To Stick With My Wedding Date Even Though My Fiance's Son Can't Make It?
“My fiancé (“Brian” 43M) and I (41F) are planning to get married next year. The wedding will be pretty low-key so we have set a date but have not booked a venue or sent out invites yet.
The reason I chose this specific date is because it would have been my mum’s 75th birthday if she hadn’t passed two years ago and I am devastated she won’t see me get married.
For context, Brian and I have two daughters together and he also has a son (“Peter” 22M) from a previous relationship.
Brian and Peter’s mum did not have a healthy relationship, they separated when Peter was 13, he stayed with his mum and did not have any contact with Brian. However, with the wedding coming up, Brian wanted to reconnect with Peter so reached out to him online a year and a half ago.
Peter replied and the two of them met up a few times, but they are not close at all. Peter is a student and because he has a mental illness he claims to be unable to hold down a job whilst studying. When Brian heard this he offered to give him money, also in part because he feels guilty for not being present during Peter’s teenage years – apparently, he did not have a good time living with his mother.
Now my fiancé is giving Peter £300 a month which could have gone towards our own daughters. I strongly suspect Peter is only maintaining a relationship with Brian for the money, it’s always Brian who has to message first and initiate meet-ups.
Yesterday, Brian asked me to move the wedding because Peter is not available on the date we’ve picked. I got upset, saying that this date means a lot to me and if the wedding meant anything to Peter then surely he could have moved whatever other commitment he has that day?
Brian accused me of not caring about him and his family which is obviously not true. I said the things I wrote in my post about Peter just wanting money and not giving two hoots about Brian, which made Brian even more upset and he ended up telling me to get out of the house so I’m staying with my sister now.
We have never had an argument this big. AITJ?
Edit: the reason Peter can’t come to the wedding is because his partner’s family has a big gathering abroad every five years and he is going to that. Seems like we are not his priority.
We live in the UK where you’re legally obliged to pay child support, Brian doesn’t owe Peter anything in that regard.
I did an online calculator and according to that, it was around £450 per month.
I picked my wedding date BEFORE Peter’s partner’s family planned their holiday. Peter KNEW when the wedding would be, then his partner invited him on holiday and he literally CANCELLED on us.”
Another User Comments:
“Getting married on your dead mother’s birthday is insane! You are guaranteed from the get-go that your anniversary will always be a memorial to your grief instead of a celebration of you and your spouse’s love. My husband and I specifically set a date far away from his late father’s birthday or the anniversary of his passing for this exact reason.
This is a weird and uncomfortable memorial concept, and yes, YTJ for prioritizing dead family members over living ones.” thing_m_bob_esquire
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. OP, I lost my dad suddenly and unexpectedly. I always hoped he would be there to walk me down the aisle if I ever do get married. There are so many ways I’ve imagined to have his spirit and memory present on my wedding day and none of those involved getting married on his birthday.
My point is, you are fixating on one way to memorialize your mother and causing strain with your partner over a memorial that could happen in so many different ways. You could incorporate her favorite flower into the arrangements, choose her favorite color as one of the wedding colors, wear or carry something of hers as a part of your outfit, give a toast to her during the reception, or all of the above.
By standing so firm on a date that is special to you alone you are pushing your fiancé out of the wedding. This could be a hill that your relationship dies over. Move the date, choose a different way to honor your mother on your wedding day that still allows the day to be about you and your fiancé, and with your mother’s birthday free you can plan a special birthday celebration for your mother that you and your family can make 100% about her.” Ok-Aardvark-6742
Another User Comments:
“There is something about the way you said your husband is giving money to his son that could have gone to your daughters that strikes me wrong. Your husband is allowed to spend money on his son. Just because it isn’t your son doesn’t mean your husband should not offer to help, especially after they’ve just started to connect after a period of estrangement.
Also, the clear disdain when you talk about mental issues the son is suffering from that make it difficult to work while at school is too dismissive. Besides, your husband offered. I think you just don’t like his son, and you are allowing that to seep into your relationship with your husband.
It’s not your wedding alone. It’s his too. And he wants his son with him on what should be a milestone event. You can’t exactly accuse him of disregarding how you value your family when doing the exact same thing.
Force him to exclude his son and he will resent you.
Also, YTJ.” ninja-gecko
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Wow, these people calling you the jerk are insane.
You are right on the money, your fiance is being financially used for his money and the son can always go to the next reunion.
It is NOT weird that you’ve chosen your mother’s birthday and the vitriol being thrown towards your fiance calling him terrible towards his son with no proof just further shows the literally insane misandry some people LOVE to engage in.
Don’t listen to them.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Going to be so downvoted. This is your wedding and your fiance’s wedding, not his adult son’s. They have plenty of time for bonding etc around the ONE day you would like.
I suspect most of the ones saying since your mom is dead neither of you matter, still have Moms, but having lost my mother I completely get why you want to share this day with her in the only way you can now.
His son is manipulating everyone he can. Yep, they have issues to work through but it absolutely does not have to be on your wedding day. It is not HIS wedding. If he cannot go it is sad but does not mean you should cancel the whole thing.
He is not a child being ignored, he is an ADULT who CHOSE to make other plans.
I hope your fiance will come to see that this is more manipulation and has no place in the relationship between you two and should certainly not affect your wedding. He chose his partner over his dad, why would his dad not choose you on the DAY you are to be married?
NTJ, downvote away you people who still have Moms, we’d give anything to have the LUXURY of putting down people who lost their parent, tho we would not because it is awful.” MissTenEars
6. AITJ For Wanting To End A Friendship After A Messy Roommate Situation?
“Grace and I have been friends since she was 12 and I was 17. She’s 19 now and I’m 24. Last year, she had problems with her parents and had to move in with me twice. Honestly, it’s ruined the friendship for me.
Three weeks after she moved in the first time, she moved out in anger because she hated and disagreed with my rules about keeping the house clean.
She moved back home and we continued as friends. Two months later, she had problems again and asked to move back with me swearing she would follow the rules about cleaning and how I would not regret it, etc. I didn’t really want to because of what happened the last time but I wanted to help so I agreed. This time she was paying her half of the bills and things were better because I learned to overlook stuff.
Whenever something (mostly about sharing the cleaning burden more evenly) bothered me, I’d talk to her about it and ask her to do the same for me. I got the feeling that she wasn’t comfortable, didn’t feel like it was her place and my efforts and talks to remedy that changed nothing so I exaggerated the defects of the apartment and told her I didn’t like it anymore and we started looking for a new place.
I told her that, since I planned to leave the country anyway, she should choose the place and I’d move there with her so we could help each other save money.
My dad offered me a small apartment to live in rent-free but I refused because I don’t like the neighborhood, I wanted to continue to live independently from my dad as he can be controlling and also because of my friend and our plans.
I didn’t tell my dad about the first two reasons, only about wanting to help my friend. I told my friend about my dad’s offer but only my first two reasons for refusing it and reassured her I preferred finding somewhere else to live with her and sharing the bills.
Two weeks later she sends me a message saying she’s moving the same day as she finally accepted her uncle’s offer of an apartment. She said she didn’t feel welcome at our apartment and felt judged etc., so she thinks it’s better to go away. I told her that it was fine, and I would return her half of the bills but I wanted to know if this was the first time her uncle had offered her the place and if yes, why she didn’t tell me about his offer so I could be prepared whether financially or giving more thought to my dad’s offer.
I still don’t understand what happened because sometimes she’d say it was a surprise but later she’d say her uncle had been pressuring her for a while and she told him to wait or she wanted to wait.
I was mad and felt betrayed. I sent her messages and voice recordings telling her she was a bad friend, exaggerating her part in rejecting my dad’s offer and how cold it was of her to listen to me talk for days about my dad’s offer and all the while she had the offer from her uncle didn’t breathe a word.
She came home that day to pick her stuff up and shouted at me the entire time. Said lots of stuff about how she hated the cleaning rules, I was a goody two shoes who liked to judge her, nothing she did was ever good enough for me and she HAD told me about her uncle’s offer.
I didn’t shout back, just reiterated that I wasn’t mad about her leaving, I was mad about hiding her uncle’s offer, not talking to me about stuff that bothered her despite me doing that and I would always be there if she needed me which only seemed to make her madder.
We both cried a lot and she left very angry.
I was sad, tearful, and reflective for a while and thought about how it wasn’t the first time I’d felt that way because of her. I don’t know if my feelings or how hard it hit me is an overreaction but that’s how I felt (still feel when I think about it now) and I sent her a message a week later saying I no longer wanted to be friends.
We talked and she reminded me that she had casually talked about not wanting to go live in one of her uncle’s apartments when she first moved in with me but I had forgotten. We kind of patched things up afterward and apologized to each other but we’ve only spoken twice since with me initiating the conversation both times.
She sent a message saying “hi”, but I was cold in my reply.
I watched 13 Reasons Why yesterday and I sent her a message telling her to watch it and that I was available if she ever needed to talk. This seems to have made her angry and has led to another argument about how I’m ignoring her, I accused her of stuff and lied. I reached out to her because even though I don’t think I can be friends with her anymore I still care about her so I’m torn.
I don’t know if I’m angry or hurt or disappointed or sad at the things she said (especially because she didn’t sit me down and talk to me about stuff, except to blow up when she left and say hurtful things) or the way she left. I’m not here to ask if she’s the jerk.
I’m just a little obsessed with the idea that I might have been the jerk. I feel bad for not wanting to be her friend anymore and for feeling the way I do about everything. I’m biased about this and all my friends have been quick to demonize her so I’m asking internet strangers: Am I the jerk?
What non-jerky thing can I do now?”
Another User Comments:
“There are things I’m not sure I understand in your story.
‘I got the feeling that she wasn’t comfortable, didn’t feel like it was her place.’
I’m confused by this. Was she supposed to feel like it was her place too?
Was she there temporarily because she had trouble at home, or did you guys move in together?
Honestly? To me, you sound like the jerk. Your friend has troubles at home, enough to move out, and you worry enough about her abilities to clean that she moves back into a messed up household after three weeks.
Somehow you two have talked passed each other at this point and not laid down some grown rules. If she’s 19 and has troubles at home, I can very much understand why she might not be the best at cleaning the household. It’s all about her attitude about it, though, as well as yours.
Two months later she asks to move back with you, despite it being something she’s already tried and knew wouldn’t work. Honestly, things really can’t be great with her parents right now. Again, at this point, I’m confused about whether you’re helping her out temporarily because she’s got somewhere to go, or whether you’ve permanently moved in together.
If you’re helping someone out temporarily for getting out of their parent’s place, I would think you could be a bit more understanding of why basic things like doing your dishes might be really hard.
If you’ve moved in together, I would expect you to make rules together.
She moved in with the agreement that she would follow the rules you put down, so she wouldn’t risk being back on the street again. Why would she feel like it’s her place as well? How could she feel comfortable or avoid feeling judged? You haven’t decided on these rules together, you’ve put down terms for her to be allowed to be in the apartment, terms you know she has trouble with.
I’m puzzled why you’d think it felt like her place then.
You should definitely put down boundaries in your own home. You should be conscious about your own boundaries and how much help you can give. And you should be verbal about this, so as to reach an understanding.
I would love to be objective in my reply to this, but I can’t. I can heavily relate to your friend. Growing up in an unstable household, moving out as soon as I could, and with an ADD diagnosis on top of it, keeping my surroundings clean is extremely difficult for me and takes a lot of energy.
It’s not that I don’t want to, and it’s not that I don’t try, but sometimes I can’t. I’ve lived with someone who was constantly annoyed that I didn’t do my dishes. I’ve tried being the bad guy every time I came home. Not being able to live up to people’s expectations outside is one thing, but not being able to do it at home?
Coming home every day and being a failure. Being the bad guy. That really, really sucks. Especially if you have nowhere else to go. If I could’ve moved back with my parents I probably would have, cause living with her was unbearable, but I couldn’t so I had to stay with it until she finally moved and someone more understanding moved in.
It actually happened once before, with someone I didn’t know beforehand, and I moved out without saying a word to her. If I needed to eat and I heard her in the kitchen, I’d wait until she’d left, because it was so uncomfortable to look her in the eyes.
If I had to go to the bathroom and I heard her I’d stay in my room. Sometimes for hours.
I understand you’re angry that she moved out without letting you know in advance, cause that screwed you over in terms of money, planning, and where to stay.
If you want to get closer to solving the conflict, the best way is to ask, why? Why didn’t she tell you? Was it to screw you over? To betray you? To hurt you? And if either of those things, why?
‘Two weeks later she sends me a message saying she’s moving the same day as she finally accepted her uncle’s offer of an apartment.
She said she didn’t feel welcome at our apartment and felt judged etc., so she thinks it’s better to go away. I told her that it was fine (…)’
To me, this sounds like a question. She’s asking you if it’s better if she just goes away altogether, cause she feels unwelcome and judged. And honestly.
You more or less confirm that she wasn’t welcome. You don’t say anything to let her know that she was welcome and you’d rather live with her, you’re sad that she didn’t let you know even earlier that she’d move out. Honestly, she probably didn’t want to or plan to move.
From the sound of it, she felt like she had to, both for her own sake and because of an assumption that that was what you preferred. She acted completely irrational and irresponsible, but I honestly think she did so out of fear and desperation, not out of malice.
I wish I could be objective in this, but I can’t. It reads so similarly to what I’ve experienced that I can’t differentiate it. I would like to say. Dealing with someone who’s been mistreated at home or someone going through something traumatic can be difficult. They do dramatic, irrational, stupid stuff.
And it is not okay. What they do is not okay and they should work to change their behavior. It is understandable, though. And you need to figure out if it’s something you can live with or not. Can you live with someone who’s got anger issues? I could not.
That doesn’t mean you can’t. Can you live with someone blowing you off and never saying anything because they are too scared? I can. That doesn’t mean you can. We all have different boundaries and different areas where we’re flexible. Being aware of these is key, and being open about them is too.
If there are things you cannot accept, you shouldn’t, and it’s okay to walk away. To say “I understand why you’re like this. I encourage you to change it and while you do, I know some people will be able to live with it, but I can’t”. That’s okay.
Completely. That’s the best way to be a friend. But.. Shaming the other person for their flaws, it’s just not a good way of handling the situation.
The best thing to do now, I would think. Is to talk. Ask her why she’s done what she did. Try to understand her.
Then tell her your perspective and why you’re hurt. Hope that she’ll try to understand you. That way the divide between you will shrink. Perhaps enough to be friends again, perhaps enough to separate on good terms.
I wish you all the best! I’m sorry if I’ve been harsh and let some of my own conflicts, and what I’d like to tell the people I’m living with atm, affect what I’ve told you too much.
I hope you will heal from this. Good luck!” abcdefg52
Another User Comments:
“You both hid the truth about the other apartment offer from one another. Doesn’t sound like there’s much trust in the relationship from either of you. You’ve also admitted to being manipulative in how you presented your father’s offer to her.
You may have had good reasons for that, but there it is.
I don’t think you’re a jerk for not wanting to be her friend. We all run into people that just have too much drama attached to them. But your manipulative behavior (hiding the truth, leaving out things to make your ‘sacrifice’ appear to be bigger) makes you kind of a jerk.” puddinhead
Another User Comments:
“You are the jerk, and totally a bad friend. All the controlling and manipulation, and you still feel you’re the victim? Lies of omission seem to be your modus operandi in your friendship. She was obviously uncomfortable living with you and you just overlooked what she said and kept being overly pushy.
When her uncle offered her the apartment is honestly no concern of yours, you yourself said it was fine when she didn’t want to move in anymore. Saying it was fine then adding accusatory questions is just artful manipulation, being passive-aggressive and trying to manipulate her with guilt.” randomIncarnation
5. AITJ For Wanting To Give My Mother-In-Law A Week's Notice?
“My husband and I have a 2.5 and 4.5-year-old. When I was pregnant with my oldest, my MIL came by our house unexpectedly and said she’d quit her job and wanted to watch our first child.
She said she’d do it for free and she would take on other kids to earn her living. The only real downfall is she lives 20 minutes away from our house, 40 when traffic is bad. It’s ‘kind of’ on my way to work (adds 20 minutes in the morning and 45-60 at night) and is completely out of my husband’s way (about 45+ extra minutes each way).
Before we got pregnant with child 2, and before we bought a house, I approached her with what I was thinking of doing. I said, “Before we get pregnant and choose a house, I need to know if you’ll want us to start paying you so I can plan accordingly.” She said she would never charge us more than $200 per month TOTAL. I made her confirm that a few times before my husband and I got pregnant and chose a house based on that promise.
Sometime around the time child 2 was born, my SIL found out we weren’t paying her mother for childcare. She called all the relatives to let them know how horrible we were, and her mom ended up telling us she needed $120 a week. We made that work, despite the fact that we were now house-poor, she had broken her promise, and it was totally inconvenient for us.
(yes, I know that’s hardly any money, but it’s a lot more than $200 a month). For the past 2.5 years, we’ve paid her $120 a week, or $480-$600 a month.
As she’s gone along, she’s gotten increasingly passive-aggressive. She gets angry if I drop them off too early, so since I can’t see the future of traffic, I often pull over down her street and do my makeup or play on my phone while my kids scream at me to go.
My husband picks them up four days a week, between 4:30 and 5, and I pick them up one. When I pick them up, it’s not until 5:30, and that makes her angry. She also takes off an excessive amount of time, somewhere around 20 days this year. I only have 17 days off, so I have to keep paying double child care by paying for a local babysitter while still paying her.
I’ve used 5 days of my PTO on myself and the rest on her days off.
Two months ago I learned my husband is a booze addict and he entered 6 weeks of rehab. I did pick up (5:30 p.m.) and drop off (7:45 a.m.) for those 6 weeks. About a week after my husband blindsided me with his drinking, my MIL discovered I’d changed the locks on our house to ensure my husband didn’t think he could come home between detox and rehab.
She went off on me in her driveway in front of my kids, calling me a witch. Also, that week, when she discovered I’d told her ex, my husband’s dad, about his illness, she called me and cussed me out and said I had no right to tell him, etc. My SIL in the interim sent me an incredibly nasty text that I was strange, different, no one liked me, etc., etc. They both subsequently apologized in a text, which I didn’t respond to.
Things have continued poorly. There were some more words this morning when my MIL learned I was picking up the kids at 5:30 p.m. She said she had just assumed from here on out my husband would pick them up 5x a week, and at 4:30 p.m., and she had dinner plans at 5:30.
We never had that conversation! I have no idea why she thought that. My husband just missed 6 weeks of work – paid – and can’t be leaving work at 4 to get them 5 days a week. He’s supposed to work 8-5.
Once I got to work this morning, I threw out my lifeline and called my dad.
He has agreed to give my husband and me $1000 a month for childcare, and we’ll pay the other $1000. I can afford this because I can stop paying $230 a month to park downtown (there’s a free bus program for people that work downtown that I can now use since I won’t have car seats), I won’t be paying $200 a month extra for my kids to go to an additional preschool a few days a week, and I’ll save at least $100 a month on gas.
I’ve found a great local place that is open from 6 am to 6:30 p.m. and my husband was nice enough to tour it for me at noon today. There are 1001 benefits to this place.
After the tour, my husband called to tell me that although the place is great, he wants to wait until September, or even fall 2019 when my son starts kindergarten, to make the switch.
He doesn’t want his mom to be without money and, in all honesty, there is one child she’s still watching, who is leaving permanently in 6 weeks, and she wouldn’t be able to watch that kid and get a job, so that kid’s parents would be up a creek for the next 6 weeks.
That said, we may not be able to get ours into this preschool if we don’t act fast. And if my MIL doesn’t find a new kid soon, she will have to find a job and stop watching my kids anyhow, which I’ve known. Also, he thinks since my MIL texted me an apology for cussing me out in front of my kids, everything is in the past and I need to let things go.
My husband is slow to act, and he’s too nice to people, and I hate this situation I’m in. I’ve dealt with his addiction and his mother and this crappy commute long enough and I have an out. Hearing that he liked the place, I went behind his back and completed the form, and enrolled our kids to start June 16th, Monday after next.
My husband is upset because I’ve moved so fast. I told him he needs to tell his mom we won’t need her services after next week. I’ve told him that a) he can call the new childcare place and see if he can secure a spot for September, and we can start then (he refused) and b) I’ll call his mom since I’m the one who wants this change.
He won’t let me do that either, probably because he knows I won’t sugarcoat it.
I feel like I’ve had to primarily deal with his mom for the last several years while dealing with his addiction and that I finally found an out. He wants to just coast along.
I need to get some stress off my shoulders and this is a great opportunity. My husband will never make a decision on his own. If I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done, which is why I’ve signed up already. He’s not mad that I signed up behind his back, just mad that I signed up at all.
AITJ for thinking I’m perfectly justified to get out of this toxic childcare relationship asap with only a week’s notice, and AITJ for thinking you can’t call your boss a witch…among other things, and expect they’ll give you 2 months’ notice before firing you?”
Another User Comments:
“No, you are definitely not the jerk.
Inter-family situations are usually emotional. Working with family is almost certainly emotional. When you are working with your family, and the work itself is your family, well, that’s about as close to “guaranteed emotional” as I can imagine. So I’m going to try to pull all the “drama” away from the issue.
Your post indicates your MIL first said she would do it for free. Then, knowing that wouldn’t continue, you confirmed the price of $200/mo. Had it stayed at this price, I would say you owe her more notice.
But it didn’t stay that way. Your MIL again changed her terms and asked for $120/week.
Purely on this alone, I think you are justified in giving one-week notice.
I also don’t subscribe to “the customer is always right”, but keeping a client does involve being courteous and respectful to the person who pays you. Your MIL was not. From a business perspective, the new daycare center sounds far more appropriate for your current needs.
Your MIL is not. And based on your description of finances, it doesn’t sound like you’re in a position to support your MIL financially. Of course, your SO “doesn’t want his mom to be without money”, but adults know that they don’t always get what they want.
You should do what is best for you and your children.
They are currently cared for by a person who called you a witch to your face. She is obviously biased towards her own child, so I would be concerned as to what she does and says about you when you are not there.
You do not owe someone courtesy when they refuse to show it to you.
You have every right to end a bad situation immediately. You do not need to suffer just to make someone else’s life easier.” thargoallmysecrets
Another User Comments:
“I would say you’re not a jerk, but that doesn’t matter when it seems like everyone around you will have that perception.
You can go the one-week route if you want to deal with the consequences. And you can do it with a clear conscience. But you will damage a relationship with your MIL, SIL, and potentially husband. Not sure if it’s worth it.
That said… From your story, I am gathering there isn’t much winning with these people anyway.
What kind of grandma gets ticked off when you drop the grandkids off too early? Especially when you’re paying her?
I wouldn’t bend over backward to keep those relationships healthy. Good luck with whatever you choose. I hope you can share your post with your husband and he can get his head on straight.” hoopahDrivesThaBoat
4. AITJ For Moving My Stuff Into My Room To Get Back At My Roommates?
“This requires some backstory. I’m a student at a university and I was looking for a place to live for a year when one of my friends said she needed another person in her group, so not having any options lined up I jumped on the opportunity.
I didn’t know any of the other girls but we met and they seemed nice so I agreed to move in with them. Something happened with my friend and she had to back out of the deal, leaving me with these four other girls that I didn’t really know.
However, we had already been looking at houses together so I figured we might as well go through with it, this ended up being a terrible mistake. It should also be noted that I was the only one who had not lived in a dorm so I had a lot more furniture than everyone else which was put in the common areas.
While I am aware that I am not a perfect roommate (who is?), some things happened throughout the first semester of us living together that made it very hard for me to be at home. To start off with, I have a very busy major which requires me to work in a studio most of the time so I tend not to be home very often, especially as the semester kicks into gear.
I already felt kind of weird because the other girls knew each other and with me not being around a lot I felt a little isolated.
At first, everything was okay, but then things started to get out of control. One of the girls was apparently fed up with being the only person cleaning (which no one asked her to do – she was very strict about her level of cleanliness and was scrubbing floors and all kinds of surfaces) and she made a chore chart for everyone and had a meeting (at a time I was in studio) with all the roommates about it except me.
I was not aware of the chore chart so I didn’t do my chores for the week, and when I came home one day I was confronted about it. I am not a very confrontational person and I got upset because I literally had no idea what my roommates were talking about (which apparently didn’t matter).
I grew up in a family of 6, so I’m pretty clean but I’m used to living in a mess. I do try to keep the common areas clean and do things like my dishes, but I’m not as worried about something like scrubbing down the bathroom every week.
Which I don’t mind helping out with chores, but again I had no idea that a chore chart was even a thing.
Situations like that happened more often, which I think is mostly due to the fact that I wasn’t there which resulted in me getting blamed for things as I wasn’t there to defend myself.
I would get yelled at for leaving dishes in the sink (most of the time that weren’t mine) for a day, and for other small things. One time I left the door unlocked one night when I got home late (around 3 AM) from working on a project and I went straight to bed and simply forgot.
The next day I was confronted by all of my roommates sitting on the couch when I got home saying that I needed to apologize to them for leaving the door unlocked and how I didn’t care about anyone else except myself. Now, to be fair, around this time there were stories of someone breaking into houses (not where we lived but still) so people were a little on edge.
However, they are saying how selfish I am while sitting on my couch, watching my TV, using my Firestick.
The thing that really made me mad though was whenever I brought over my partner. My partner didn’t live in the same town (he went to a different university) so whenever he would come over he would usually stay for the weekend.
We had agreed at the beginning of the year it was fine to have guys over as long as you told people. However, I would come home multiple times to my roommates having their partners over, which wasn’t a big deal, but they would always chew me out if I forgot to give them a few days’ notice of my partner coming up.
At the end of the semester, I brought my partner over to stay for the week of finals because he was done with school and I wanted to hang out. I forgot to tell my roommates he was coming because I was spending a lot of time working on a project and it slipped my mind.
When I was heading out the night he came over my roommates ambushed me and told me that my partner couldn’t stay over for the week and were telling me how disrespectful I was and all this stuff. I started crying and left to hang out with my friends.
I got pretty wasted and my sober friend told me that we should just take all of my stuff in the common spaces into my room if my roommates thought I was so selfish. So, me being intoxicated, I agreed, expecting my roommates to be asleep and that I could just move my stuff quietly.
When we got to my house, however, my roommates were watching my TV and I didn’t want to chicken out (liquid courage I suppose) so I began moving all my stuff upstairs without saying a word. My roommates realized what was happening and started screaming at me and calling me all sorts of names saying how my parents must be so proud of me and all this crap.
They kept saying how loud I was being and the only thing I said that night was, “You guys are the ones screaming at me right now.”
Long story short, I moved all my stuff into my room (couldn’t fit the couch, so I just took the cushions) and my roommates wanted me to leave.
I agreed but they wouldn’t agree to a subleaser (all my roommates had to agree per the lease) so I had to stay for the next semester. After I cooled down I offered to move my stuff back downstairs but they declined. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I was originally going to say that everyone sucks here, but unfortunately, you suck a bit more. Everyone sucks because it is clear that everyone’s expectations were not clearly communicated at the beginning of the year. That one roommate making a chore chart and forcing everyone to use it was not fair, but it would have been fair for her to start a discussion about chores and cleanliness so everyone could come up with a chart together.
It was also not fair for them to get upset at you when you were absent from the meeting. It seems that your academic responsibilities take up a lot of your time; I sympathize with you there, my academic responsibilities take up very much of my time as well.
However, when you are a housemate/roommate, there are responsibilities that come along with that. It is not the responsibility of your roommates to communicate to you whatever you missed at roommate meetings if you can never go, it is your responsibility to find out from them what you missed.
As for your furniture being used in the common area, when it’s in the common area it is common furniture. Nobody asked you to bring all the furniture, and I’m guessing the fact that you brought most of the furniture was a consequence of the general lack of communication.
However, when that furniture is in the common area, it is common furniture until you move out with it (except the Firestick, if you’re the only one paying for the subscription). I think it is fair for you to move your furniture out of the common area, but you can’t do that without notice.
You have to tell your roommates first so that they can buy new furniture to refurnish the common area. Even if they said “No” after you told them you would remove your furniture soon, it is still within your non-jerk right to remove the furniture.
As for your partner staying a week, that’s a long time and you really should have gotten your roommates’, “okay” first.
All in all, there was a general lack of communication that led to unnecessary conflict and a toxic rooming situation. However, you having your partner stay over a week without notice, removing your furniture from the common area without notice, and prioritizing academic responsibilities at the expense of your roommates’ responsibilities make you more of a jerk here.” folkukulele
Another User Comments:
“ESH, but you’re the bigger jerk.
Your roommates are the jerks in some ways, like not communicating about the chores and just generally ganging up on you. But you do seem kind of inconsiderate here too. I’d be a little ticked off if my roommate forgot to lock the door, regardless of whether or not we actually had a break-in.
I get you were tired but it’s honestly not that hard to lock a door.
And you are a complete jerk when it comes to your partner’s unscheduled visits. Forgetting once is fine but from this post, it sounds like you forgot a lot of times. You made a deal with your roommates to let them know in advance that your partner was coming over.
It’s not hard to leave a note on the fridge or send a text a few days in advance. If you seriously didn’t know when he’d be coming over, then you guys should have planned better. It’s not fair for your roommates to have to deal with an unplanned guest. And the fact that your roommates are doing that too doesn’t excuse your action, it just makes them jerks too.
And you look like a huge jerk at the end. You bring your partner in unannounced (again) and let your roommates know he’ll be staying for a full week. You get mad when they say no, because why would they want a stranger who isn’t paying rent eating their food and using their bathroom, and hanging out in their living space for a full week?
You come back hours later, intoxicated, and start moving your stuff into your room with no notice, while they are still watching TV (which you are entitled to do, but you still look like a jerk). And your roommates aren’t great here either but you come out looking way worse.
Honestly, it was for the best you moved out because you guys were just really not compatible.” deeplydelirious
Another User Comments:
“ESH, but not for moving all your furniture into your room.
You – Every time you mention your roommates getting on you for things (not washing your dishes, locking the door, bringing your partner to the apartment without heads up), you admit to forgetting to do so.
I feel that since we’re only hearing your perspective, you could’ve also forgotten to mention some of the other things that weren’t aligned with the rooming rules. I want to give you the benefit of the doubt, but being busy doesn’t make it an excuse; you should still follow the rules that were agreed upon.
Them – They’re just a gang of bratty girls that probably use some of your mistakes to smokescreen their own laziness.
In my opinion, what you’re doing by moving stuff into your room is fine. I just think you need to leave a squeaky clean record to prevent any future (unnecessary) arguments.
P.S. 5 girls in an apartment/house is too much. People tend to always “forget” that they leave stuff in the sink.” bedblanket
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, they got snotty at you for things that they didn’t tell you about. Making a chore roster, and then getting crappy because you didn’t do the chore roster?
Nope.
They can have their partners over whenever they want, but you have to give them several days’ notice? Nope.
They carry on that you’re selfish, etc while using all of your belongings? Nope.
Granted, yeah you should have talked things out before it got to that point.
And maybe getting and taking all your stuff back could have been done a bit better, but I am very non-confrontational when it comes to how people treat me, and I would need liquid courage and a bit of a pep talk from friends to be able to stand up for myself, or put my foot down about issues, so it’s understandable that you could only take those measures after drinking.
But!!! It was still all your stuff. You can do whatever you want with it. That’s it. They were trying to take advantage of you.
But, as it seems this happened a while ago, I wouldn’t dwell on it. It happened. Everyone was in the wrong a bit.
Take it as a lesson for future roommates and move on from it.” zlooch
3. AITJ For Being Mad That My Friend Got With My Ex?
“I’ll start off by saying my buddy is B and my ex is E.
So B and I have been friends since high school, We’re both 25. B left for BC after graduation and I didn’t see him until 4 years later when he moved back to his mom’s. We caught up and eventually started hanging out and becoming more like brothers.
Now he lives in a town about 100km from where I live, and despite the distance, for years I would drive up on a Friday night after work and hang out with him until Sunday evening. At times when my other buddies would go out, I would drive more than halfway to pick him up and bring him along.
He doesn’t drive so as for meeting up I’m the one doing all the driving.
Now when he moved to his mom’s, he met a couple of girls at his job, and one weekend I was up we hung out with both of them. One of them being E.
He became pretty good friends with both of them, but after the past couple of years, he’s really only kept in contact with E from time to time. They would hang out sometimes but it became more frequent when I got involved.
Now we’re at this past October.
Up at his place one morning I had matched with E on an app and she reached out to me, from there on we started talking, more and more each day until we decided to become a couple. B knows full well I’m talking to her, and during all this B ended up breaking things off with his then partner, to which I withstood crap from E because I wanted to be there for B and help him out through what was a trying time for him instead of seeing her (During all this I would only see her on weekends as she lived in the same town as B).
For 7 weeks in a row, I drove to and from B’s place on the weekends to see both B & E. E however explained to me that B, when it was just them two one evening, confided in E that he had feelings for her. This was while we were still together mind you, and she told me that she didn’t feel the same way.
Here’s where I royally messed up though, because I had a fling who also lived in that same town and one Saturday, both B & E were working and against my better judgment we arranged plans to meet up. At the time I guess I wanted to see her, but when I was driving to her place I couldn’t shake that feeling of guilt and backed out.
I know that it’s a real crappy thing to do, especially because I had it done to me once before. So later that night she was going through my phone, unbeknownst to me, and came across the convo with my old fling. Of course, she was upset with me, and as I’ve been honest so far, I never felt like more of a piece of crap.
I really do have feelings for her and I answered every question she asked regarding my old fling. We came to the agreement that we were still going to try and make it work. I took all that she gave me and then some. I even drove up after work on a Tuesday to see her to at least show her that I’m trying my best to make things better.
But sometimes your best isn’t enough.
3 weeks after my *******, I was talking with her on the phone on a Sunday evening and she tells me that she can’t stop thinking about me and that fling. So we agreed to “start over.” Her words, not mine.
During that following week, I could tell she was just losing more interest every day, and (I don’t do it anymore) I saw on Snapchat that she was at B’s place pretty much every day that week.
On the Friday I’m driving home, I call her and chat for a little bit. I could tell something was up. And after our call, she then proceeds to ask me if I remember that night we talked about B and how he told her he liked her.
Then says that she doesn’t just like him “she’s in love with that idiot”. I don’t know, but I just sorta lost it. I had to pull over because my head was spinning and I just wanted to scream. I was under the impression we were “starting over” and not actually ending things.
Everything I’ve done over the past several years B has been involved. We were inseparable, and I don’t have anyone else who I’m as close with like I am with him.
Basically, that whole weekend and next week B doesn’t say boo to me. In fact, he acts like everything is ok.
I had to bring it up and he just asks “oh what’s wrong buddy? Is it E & me? Does that bother you?”
I lost it on him because yes it bothers me and how in the flying heck do you think that it wouldn’t? I’m the kind of guy that wears my heart on my sleeve and he more than anyone knows that.
Or at least I thought. Within a week when she told me about B they were already posting pics on social media and the like. It really hurt my feelings, not because she just up and leaves but because my buddy didn’t have a single shred of doubt that what he was doing was wrong, or that I would be perfectly fine with them seeing each other.
I can’t think of either of them without the other and it’s been constantly bothering me. I told him that I don’t think I can come up to see him like I used to and that I just need time to sorta work this out. He doesn’t seem to mind because he still is with her pretty much every day now and he doesn’t reach out to me at all.
I just need a third party’s opinion on this because I want to see B again and hang out with him and his family, because I’m like another son to them, but I’m angry that he’d done something like that to me. I wish he would have at least talked to me about it before, it seems that they’d always had these feelings for each other but decided to act on them right after I went out with her.
Again, I’m not wanting to downplay what I did, I know it was wrong and I took a long look at myself and knew that’s who I didn’t want to be. But I also don’t want to just pretend everything is ok between B and me because this just hits me right in the heart.
B would be the guy I go to whenever I had issues with a girl and now he’s become directly involved. I still haven’t seen either of them and this was the week before Christmas this happened.
So AITJ for possibly not talking to B or hanging out with him again?
Should I just try to come to terms with it and move on? I don’t know what to do.”
Another User Comments:
“I’d say ESH.
On one hand, everyone involved is an adult and can do what they want. You don’t get to decide who your friends go out with or who your exes go out with.
On the other hand, this is a messy love triangle. Everyone did some crappy stuff. You messed up by going behind her back, he messed up by not backing off while you were with her, and she messed up by not nipping that in the bud, there was a lot going on behind the scenes, it’s always crappy when your friend goes out with your ex, especially when it was clearly a thing even when you were together.
You have every right to feel upset, but blowing up on them was also a jerk move.
It’s a situation where you’re all losers. Honestly, I’d say talk to them and maybe see if you can put it all behind you and just be friends. Maybe they’ll be happy together.
If not, whatever. If they are, be happy for them. Otherwise, that friendship is going to be hard to salvage.” sfzen
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for two reasons:
1: You got caught being a sleaze, so any pain you feel from the repercussions is pain you earned. You caused this.
2: You being friends with some guy gives you no ownership of him and no vote on where he can stick it. You with some girl gives you no ownership of her and no vote on who she is with after she dumps you like last night’s chimichanga.
So now that B is with E, you can do nothing but take it up the butt.” Debasers_Comics
You made legitimate plans to unpredictable. Sure you chickened out but you made plans and left to execute said plans.
She found out, and not because you told her. Had she not seen the messages you would have NEVER told her.
So she loses trust in you.
Leaves you after a time because she can't get over it(good on her btw).
Then dates your friend whom expressed his feelings for her, is comforting her over your b******t, and who so far seems pretty nice.
And you're mad at your friend?
Dude, you reap what you sew.
2. WIBTJ For Reporting A Coworker After They Did The Same To Me?
“To give some background on this story, I work for a government organization in the UK part-time around the university. I have been working here for several years now and intend to leave when I graduate and get a job which should be within the next few months.
Although the money I am paid is nice, now that I’m coming to the end of my education it’s not essential for my expenses.
My coworker, who this post is about is a full-time agency staff member. This coworker, who I will call F, is normally quite nice and someone I get along with.
F is also my manager when we work together as F is more experienced and is a full-time worker. F is a middle-aged adult, with 2 adult children and a grandchild who she helps supports financially.
Due to several managers leaving within the last year, our department decided to bring in agency staff to manage the workload whilst recruiting full-time staff.
Although recruited as agency staff, F applied for one of these managerial positions but didn’t get it due to not being experienced/good enough. As a result, F has been spending the last few months going over and above F’s duties, to ensure F would get a managerial position if it came up again.
As an agency staff, F does not receive sick leave, annual leave or any other kind of benefits that permanent staff receive and so has been applying relentlessly to any position in our department which is advertised to benefit from these privileges. F also smokes like a chimney, usually 10+ a day.
We work in a location which due to Health and Safety laws requires at least two staff on duty at any one time or else the building should be closed. F and I also have the same line manager who would be extremely important to F’s chances of getting a permanent job in the future.
End background.
To the story itself, I recently returned to work after 6 months off work due to medical issues. On my first day back, F was in charge and was very supportive and sympathetic. Although not entirely comfortable around F, I enjoyed going back to work and had a good day in general.
Several days later, our building was extremely cold, due to both cold weather and poor heating systems. I was wearing a hooded jumper on the day and pulled my hood over my head twice due to this cold. F told me twice to pull my hood down as customers could complain.
Although I did pull my hood down both times I was asked to, the second time I made an off-hand comment along the lines of “I didn’t come here to work, I came here to chill”. I remember laughing as I said this, and obviously intending it as a joke.
Although not the kind of thing I’d usually say around F, the fact that F had been so nice meant I was a lot more relaxed than I usually would have been. I didn’t think any more of it and didn’t pull my hood up again for the rest of the day.
Unfortunately, this week I was pulled into my line manager’s office alongside F. I was told that F had reported this hood issue alongside the comment I had made to my line manager, alongside some other issues my manager had picked up on. When I said it was obviously a joke, my manager pulled out a copy of the employee handbook and showed me the section where it says employees shouldn’t make jokes about the job – obviously paraphrasing here, but that was the meaning of that part of it.
F vigorously agreed with my manager and made several comments about professionalism and so on in an obvious attempt to impress/brown-nose my manager.
I was chewed out for not taking my job seriously and making remarks which undermined the profession and so on. Obviously, I was shocked that F had even reported these comments to my manager and although I defended myself by saying it was just a joke, my manager didn’t think that was a good reason.
I was warned about future conduct and so on – luckily no disciplinary proceedings were started.
As a punishment, I do have to work at a secondary, worse location for a few days as a result which I absolutely detest – both my line manager and F know this and no doubt planned it accordingly.
After this meeting, my manager left for the day, and only F and I were left in the building. Although I didn’t bring it up with F, there was obvious tension between us and no conversation apart from work-related talk. I did want to ask why F reported me but didn’t do so – I won’t be seeing F for a few weeks now due to being placed elsewhere so won’t have the opportunity to ask till then.
Later on that day, I noticed that F was doing several things which are absolutely prohibited by the Employee Conduct Code – playing on a phone, using work PCs for non-work related issues, and using printers to print off personal stuff. The kicker however came when F left the building for a quick break during a tea break.
F also left smoking stuff on a table which people use to eat – this is banned and other staff members have been given warnings due to doing this before.
Now, not only is leaving the building with only one staff member against Health and Safety Laws, F left me alone in the building with around 5-6 customers inside, any of whom could have started trouble or had some issues which would require at least two members of staff on hand.
My building also has a roof leakage at the moment, which has meant a portion of the building being sealed off as it’s directly underneath the leakage, and bins are placed to collect water – however, it can easily be accessed and several customers have done so. Although F was standing just outside the back entrance of our building and was on a tea break at the time, leaving only one person inside is a big no-no and something that should be taken very seriously.
I should also note, this job is very relaxed. Although we have duties and responsibilities, these can usually be done within a couple of hours, leaving the rest of the day to relax and chill out. I have, on several occasions watched football games and completed uni work/revised for exams at work.
F usually doesn’t have a problem with this – if I was to report F and our relationship were to change as a result – F could make the job a lot harder and a lot more tedious, but still bearable.
Altogether, this means if I reported this, whilst it wouldn’t be enough to cause F’s removal, it would probably be enough to ensure F wouldn’t get a permanent position if one came up.
Even if it wasn’t held against F, it’s enough to cause at least enough trouble for F as it caused me.
Whilst on one hand I want to report F for the same violations of the Code I was reported for, the consequences will obviously be a lot worse for F than they were for me.
This job, whilst a nice earner, isn’t that important to me. For F however, it’s the only source of income. The nature of our position and its declining relevance to the world also means F would struggle to find a permanent job elsewhere.
My question therefore is:
-
Would I be the jerk for reporting my coworker for violations of the same code that I was reported for?
-
Is it worth me reporting F and potentially making my life harder when I’m going to most likely be leaving within the next 6/7 months?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First off, make sure you have proof that these violations occurred. If you don’t have proof it will sound like you are just a bitter employee trying to get the person who got you in trouble, in trouble.
I wouldn’t report anything right away, but it would be diplomatic to approach F and explain that you were taken aback by getting the wrist slap in the first place. Show F the various reportable offenses they’ve perpetrated, which you have proof of, and propose that being so strict with each other will only serve to make both your lives more difficult.
DO NOT BLACKMAIL, OR EVEN SOUND LIKE IT. If F doesn’t back off, simply bring your proof to F’s superior, do not notify F.” FardyMcJiggins
Another User Comments:
“ESH. F is trying to get a permanent position and support a family so maybe tried a little too hard.
It sucks that you were blindsided, but you will be leaving soon. Why mess with her just out of revenge? Messing with someone else’s livelihood because you got disciplined is just petty and immature. Just do your job and move on. No need to stir the pot.” Stardust68
Another User Comments:
“NTJ/ESH.
The game of tit-for-tat in the office is stupid. Your manager/whatever sucks for power tripping, but you were breaking the rules. Although you reporting them would just be petty, I totally get it. I’d want to do it too, they are breaking the rules too.
I’d say if you’re gonna be gone soon and don’t want trouble, just keep your head down. Or be maliciously compliant with that handbook.” Testing123YouHearMe
1. AITJ For Wanting An Apology?
“I recently went out to dinner with my SO, his parents who were in town visiting, his BIL, and BIL’s friend. This was my first time meeting BIL and his friend, and let me tell you it was not a great first impression.
My SO and I arrive and the friend introduces himself by asking for “a hug from the lady, always gotta hug the ladies.” I am already mildly uncomfortable because I’m sorta weird about physical contact and to me, hugs are reserved for trusted and loved family and friends, not some dude who is basically a stranger to me.
I just kind of go with it because I don’t want to look cold or rude right off the bat.
We wait for our food. The family doesn’t see BIL too often since he lives far away (he just happened to be in town for an event), and the topics they’re talking about aren’t things I know much about or can relate to (one of these topics is some motorcycle event they enjoy going to, and based on their stories I’m now aware BIL is basically enabled to ride intoxicated without anyone trying to at least encourage him not to…fantastic).
I’m also kind of a quiet person by nature and it usually takes me a while to open up to people, especially meeting others in groups. I do a lot more listening than talking until BIL asks me to introduce myself. I start trying to tell him a little about myself, like what I’m majoring in, etc and he starts teasing me for being too quiet.
Ok, I’m used to it, I’ve been hearing the same lame jokes since elementary school and I don’t let it phase me. Every time I try to get a word out though, he keeps cutting me off with “speak up, what are you so quiet for?” and “why do you talk so fast?” I’m getting a little annoyed at this point because I’m pretty sure he can hear me and is just being a jerk.
I try to play it off with a lame joke back and then just kind of give up and let the conversation flow elsewhere. Probably worth mentioning that he was considerably intoxicated at this point.
Then, BIL looks at my SO and says something akin to “I bet she’s the perfect wife because she never talks back when you argue.” This gets a laugh out of SO’s father and the friend, and the three of them start bantering about it.
The jokes devolve into getting very nasty very quickly. “Everything from the waist down, no just a torso with legs and a chest, now that’s the perfect woman. Just like a mannequin. Just like…” I’ve tried blocking most of it out of my mind but, ew.
This went on for probably a straight 5-10 minutes. I’m used to crass humor from SO’s father but nothing that bad, and I definitely felt like it was directed at me. Anxiety got the better of me and at the moment I couldn’t think of any way to shut it down or defend myself without either inviting more crude jokes, being rude and stooping to their level or risking looking like an “offended snowflake”.
SO’s mom at least stood up to them after they picked on her for being on her phone during dinner (which according to her was both for her busy job and to drown out the crude conversation). She flipped them off and they all laughed about it her included, and I guess that made me feel slightly better but not much because it was still mostly being enabled.
We eat dinner and I’m anxiously waiting to leave. After hugging everyone through gritted teeth (yes, including the friend at his insistence of a “goodbye hug,” barf), SO and I drive home. I tell him how upset and uncomfortable I felt during the whole experience, and how I wished he had done more to stand up for me.
His response is that he understands where I’m coming from and is sorry it turned out that way, but that I need to be my own person and defend myself instead of always relying on him. I decide that’s completely fair, but I still wanted an apology from his family for acting so rudely.
He had to drive his parents to the airport the next morning so I ask him to tell his father that I want an apology (I didn’t really see much point in contacting BIL because he doesn’t regularly stay in touch with my SO and because he probably wouldn’t even remember half of it even though he was the worst offender).
I have had other frustrating situations with the family in the past but this is the only time I have ever tried pursuing it further because I genuinely felt that my line had been crossed.
His father wasn’t sorry at all. It was a textbook “sorry you feel that way” response.
According to him the jokes “weren’t about me,” he didn’t feel that he or anyone else at the table did anything wrong, and I was being entitled for having a problem with it when they paid for my meal and when I “ordered something different from the rest of the table.”
Yes, they paid for my meal, and maybe I’m at fault for that. This was not a fancy establishment in case that’s relevant, it was a family-friendly casual dining/sports pub place (not Buffalo Wild Wings, but similar enough). Most of the table ordered wings to share.
I got something cheap and small appetizer-sized because I always feel kind of gross after eating the wings there. I wasn’t the only one with a different/modified order though. BIL had to get an order modification due to a food allergy, and the friend ordered his own special boneless wings too, all on one check.
If everyone else had gotten normal wings I would have probably just sucked it up, and SO had even encouraged me to get something different if I wanted so I figured there wouldn’t be any bad feelings if I did. Also, if I’d known they were planning to drink, I would have probably just stayed home and let them have family time, so I feel like it was kind of unfair to not be told in advance and then be expected to entertain people who had been drinking (SO and I aren’t typically social drinkers, and his parents know this).
They also had borrowed a charger from me earlier in the week that cost more than my meal and I still haven’t gotten it back… maybe that’s just me being petty though.
Overall, I felt disgusted at the dinner conversation material and even disappointed that a family member SO often talked fondly of ended up being so obnoxious upon actually meeting them.
SO tried to persuade me to call his father myself to talk things out and stand up for myself, but I just didn’t see the point anymore if he already thought my feelings were invalid and so I wasn’t going to bother demanding a fake apology.
I still feel lousy though. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
The paying for dinner argument is just a misdirection. SO’s father knows he was a jerk. He doesn’t want to talk about that part.
The part where YTJ is expecting your SO to defend you. I mean, it’s fine if he does, but you can’t just sit back and block it out and then be upset that your SO reacted the same way you did.
Asking your SO to talk to his father also makes YTJ. It’s your problem. You need to talk to SO’s father. It’s fine (even better) if SO talks to him as well, or you both talk to him together, but you can’t just fade into the background and expect SO to do all the heavy lifting.
(Unless SO has asked you to, which would be a different thing.)
Your SO has even encouraged you to speak up for yourself, but you “don’t see the point” and have already decided that you will get a “fake apology”. Which is all fine, you are entitled to your opinion.
Except you essentially put yourself in this position, yet you still feel lousy. That BIL and friend didn’t act the way you expected? That SO didn’t react the way you wanted? That SO’s father didn’t act the way you wanted?
If you want to set boundaries (which is entirely your right to do), first you have to communicate those boundaries.
You communicate them in one of two ways: speak up, or apply the consequences. You did neither. You didn’t speak up. You didn’t apply the consequences. (Instead, you asked your SO to do it for you.) Now you are butthurt about everything.
I would say that ESH, except your SO doesn’t.” rusty0123
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but honestly I don’t know what an apology would really do for you. First off, you are super valid in feeling disgusted at what they were saying. Demanding an apology might strain your relationship with them, and even if you don’t care about them, they’re going to be a part of your life as long as you are with your SO.
Maybe try explaining why the stuff they were saying bothered you if you ever get a chance? An apology won’t fix what they said, but if they understand why what they said was bad, it might save you from future crap they try to pull.” Karlige
Another User Comments:
“No one’s a jerk but everyone is skirting close to the line.
They were being obnoxious because that’s the way they are with a few pints in them. Judging by the mother’s reaction it’s a regular thing and everyone is expected to give as good as they get.
You’re not going to change this dynamic. You can decide for the future if you want to be a part of that environment or not.
Asking for an apology seems a bit precious. It’s up to you to make it clear you don’t appreciate how they speak and BIL was a jerk for needling you about your shyness.
Beyond that, there’s not a lot you can or should do.” centrafrugal
Another User Comments:
“No one’s a jerk. Your feelings are valid, as are theirs. I can easily see how their jokes could’ve been aimed at the mother, but even if they were more general, who’s to police them and their opinions?
The BIL and friend sound close to insufferable, I agree. This is bound to be an unpopular position, but I see the higher road here being to forgive and forget. Pushing the issue with people like this is only bound to escalate to a point nearly impossible to unwind.
It’s not going to improve anything. Therefore, the higher road is accepting responsibility and moving on. There’s no glory in it.” Reddit user
