People Can't Get Enough Of These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
27. AITJ For Refusing To Gift My Friend The Cross-Stitch Pattern He Preferred?
“Okay, this is a very childish argument, that is made even more ridiculous if you consider that everyone involved is in their 20’s.
Lately, I got into cross-stitching and have been making all kinds of things. They take up quite a bit of space so I like to gift them to my friends and before starting a project I will show them some patterns and ask them to choose which one they’d like.
Two months ago I sent several patterns to a friend. He chose two and told me he’d be pleased with either one and the choice was mine to make. And I made a choice. It took me about three weeks to make and I giddily presented it to him.
He took one glance at it and said he liked the other pattern best. That’s it. I was quite hurt because he could’ve told me that ahead of time, but I didn’t make a fuss because I couldn’t force someone to enjoy something. However, I did make a mental note to never cross-stitch anything for him again.
On with the issue. Last week I finished the pattern he liked most because my other friend had chosen it. I uploaded the picture on social media for bragging rights and immediately got a message from him asking if I made it for him. I replied with a snarky, “Of course not”.
He tried to change my mind and eventually, the silly argument escalated to him calling me “a bad friend” and a few other colorful words for choosing a person I had known for only a couple of years over him (I’ve known him for 12). I still refused and honestly am pretty upset over the whole issue, regardless of how silly it is.
Should I just give him the pattern and call it a day? I don’t think it’s reasonable to destroy a whole friendship over this and usually, he’s much more logical.”
Another User Comments:
“In knitting circles, we privately categorize people as “noteworthy” or “not noteworthy”.
It has nothing to do with how much you love them, or how long you’ve known them. Some people will never appreciate the time, skill, effort, and love that goes into a hand-crafted gift. They only see the finished item, indiscernible from something bought in a shop.
You gave your friend a gift of love. He saw a pattern he didn’t like. He is not… “stitchworthy”? Do not make things for not stitchworthy people. Buy them as many beautiful thoughtful gifts as you like, but don’t make them. NTJ” bouncing_haricot
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but, you could have been more diplomatic and said “no, it’s for Sharon. But if I stitch it again, it will be for you.” Long-time needleworkers of cross stitch, embroidery, quilting, and needlepoint have learned that some people deserve your stitched items and some don’t.
Some people don’t understand the time, effort, and thought that goes into stitching an item, and those are the people who get a store-bought item. You’ll also learn not to stitch an item you don’t like – life’s too short.” MercuryRising92
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Send him a link to get the pattern and materials.
Then wish him the best of luck in making the pattern that he liked the most. He seems to think 3 weeks of YOUR TIME isn’t worth anything – I wonder if he thinks the same way when it’s his time on the line.
I would give it to the friend who chose it and then take a photo with them and the pattern before posting something on social media. My caption would be something like “super happy that (x friend) likes the cross stitch, definitely took me long enough to make it (x amount of time)!
Was worth it to see the smile on (friend)‘s face and to hear the “thank you for spending so long on this! I appreciate it!”” But I also like to call people out if I can” SpongeyBobMeBoy
26. AITJ For Feeling Neglected By My Mom Who Prioritizes Her Partner Over Me?
“I (18f) just graduated high school a week ago. I live with my mom (38f) and her partner CJ (45m).
On Friday, I was told to clean the kitchen when I got home. I went out with my best friend to a paranormal circus right outside of work. My mom called me as we were walking to the circus. She called asking me if I was okay and I said yes.
I wasn’t paying attention but for some reason halfway through the circus, I realized my mom was out and had on all white and her hair styled. I checked her location later. This was when it hit me: she was out with CJ. No doubt about it.
She would never go out to somewhere nice alone. I wasn’t mad because she was out with CJ. I was mad because it constantly seemed like she was going out with CJ and I was being left behind and she did nothing with me.
I used to get mad whenever she and him left without me until I had to realize they’re a couple and not every moment they spend with each other is gonna include me, which is fair. I expressed to my mom in tears about two months ago that I felt like I was just here for nothing while she and CJ did everything.
And the thing is: this ain’t the first time she’s done this. I moved back with her when I was 11 and ever since she got married to a deadbeat, she was constantly going out and leaving me behind and saying “My life isn’t gonna stop because you’re here.” I didn’t want it to stop.
I just wanted her to spend some time with me.
When I cried to her two months ago, she told me that we would go out every two weeks but said “Let me get my money together first” and of course, I didn’t expect that to happen overnight.
However, two months went by and she only spent that with CJ. Never me. Or at least never me and me ALONE. I had to remind her recently about what she said.
My mom is grown. I want her to have fun. But I feel like as a parent you have to balance your relationship and your child (technically children since there are 3 of us but I only live with her) and she puts her relationship over us.
I never want to say that to her in front of CJ because, unlike any other men she’s been with, CJ treats her like she’s on top of the world. He’s treated her better than my father (he was never abusive but had problems).
I don’t want to say “You’re constantly putting your relationship over me” because I’m scared CJ is gonna leave her out of feeling bad and this is the one good relationship she has. I feel like it’s better if I just spend time with friends and other family since it seems so hard for her to do that with me.
But I also feel like it’s wrong. Would I be in the wrong here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – even though you are an adult now, kids always want to spend time with loving parents. But it sounds like you haven’t had this type of relationship with your mom in a very long time.
If you do decide not to spend or expect to spend time with your mom going forward, you aren’t going to be disappointed when she puts all her efforts into her partner. Recommend trying to find an adult who could be a parental figure for future times when you need advice or a soft place to land.
Do you have any relatives close by that you can count on?” Comfortable-Sea-2454
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – you are 18…not a child anymore. You are angry your adult mother goes out with her adult partner instead of including you in everything she does. What is with the pity party?
Yes, your mom is ‘grown’ – but so are you. Invite your mother out to lunch instead of waiting for her to make plans with you. Everything you’ve posted here is about how people don’t have enough time for YOU – your expectations of people are not realistic.” omeomi24
25. AITJ For Spending Time With My Niece And Comparing Her To My Unborn Daughter?
“So, my wife and I (29 and 31 respectively, and we have been married for 2 years and have known each other for 6) are expecting a baby girl (5 months pregnancy). Everything has gone smoothly and our baby is healthy. I also have a 2-year-old niece who was born with my brother in jail.
He is out now but can’t come yet because of the sentence. My niece and I have created a big bond. I love her a lot. I give this as context for what happened next…
My sister-in-law (SIL) finally got a permit so they could reunite, and live in the neighboring country together as a family.
So since they were leaving in a week or so, I decided to take my niece with me and my wife to spend more time together before they left. Today, the day we took her back (Friday evening) to my SIL’s house. Since yesterday I felt my wife off… she finally opened up today.
She said I was comparing my future daughter with my niece because I made this comment, “Will our baby girl be like her”, but I was referring specifically to the character, NOT wishing for my daughter to be like her. So my wife told me I viewed my daughter as an accessory to my niece… which to me is absurd.
She also said why when I bought my niece toys I didn’t buy anything for my future daughter, I see the point she is making, but SHE hasn’t bought anything either and I was caught up with hurt feelings that I wouldn’t see my niece in a long time… my love for my daughter can’t be measured with what things I have bought her can it?
I tried to explain that I loved my daughter and I would never dare to compare her or want her to be like somebody else, but she refused to believe me…to which I said, that I knew my truth and hers was just assumptions that if she decided to believe her assumptions I didn’t care… so she told me “I didn’t expect anything anyways from you”, like what??
Have I done so bad as for her to tell me that?
Am I being shallow towards my wife and daughter? I admit I gave almost all the attention on these 3 days to my niece, but I thought my wife was doing ok too. Am I a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s pregnant and her hormones are all over the place. She’s being absolutely ridiculous but also…her hormones are quite unbalanced rn. NTJ.” Powerful_Exam_2190
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are relatively new to this marriage thing. Let me break it down for ya.
Wife happy? YTJ. Wife mad at you, specifically? Then you’ll know you are doing something right.” Southern_Boat9193
24. AITJ For Yelling At My Mom For Cleaning My Room Without My Consent?
“I came home today to find my room completely different from when I left. My mom cleaned it while I was working and it was much more organized than when I left. I know any normal person would be glad if their room was cleaned for them, but I have some special circumstances.
She used to verbally and emotionally mistreat us as kids. Once a year she would go into our rooms and throw out at least a few trash bags of our belongings. I remember being forced to throw out beloved teddy bears, Pokemon cards, and artwork because it was “too much clutter.”
Yes, she was one of the early pioneers of the minimalistic homeschool mothers trend.
Much of these memories are blocked out but sometimes the cleaning would take days as we scrubbed floors and rearranged furniture. And since we were homeschooled, we had nowhere to get away, and often this work would make us skip days of school.
I would cry for days on end as she would be screaming at us about how filthy kids we were and this verbal mistreat wouldn’t cease until she was satisfied.
I used to get very sick if I was cleaning/dusting without wearing a mask and doing heavy labor due to asthma so I’d be completely emotionally and physically wiped by the end of it.
But I’d still have to always thank my mother for helping us clean our rooms and be forced by my father to apologize and tell her how great it looked.
All of this is to say I’m traumatized by these experiences. I’m almost 21 now and will be moving out soon.
She’s upset and confused that I’d want to leave her, but I can’t stand it anymore.
For the last year or so I’ve told my mom REPEATEDLY that I feel uncomfortable with her in my room and to tell me if she wants it clean to give me a chance to do it first. She’s never listened and says that I should be grateful for all she does.
I feel violated by this. I have autism, ADHD, and according to my psych, potential OCD. My mother knows this. So when she goes into my room and cleans it before I’m mentally prepared for her to do so, I can’t help but break down.
I get severe RSD for being judged on my cleanliness and for having my boundaries not respected. I panic due to not being able to find things, it’s never that messy in my room, and her rearranging my bookshelf closet, and clothes makes me panic due to the lack of consistency that I require.
If I’m able to clean my room then I can do it in a way that’s friendly to me and my routine… versus being shocked and not knowing where stuff is or if it was thrown out. The flashbacks and autistic meltdowns I get when she does it are intense and hard to deal with.
She likely did it today to be nice but I’ve told her to stop and to ask me to clean it first, and if I don’t then she can do whatever she likes. I’ve been visibly distraught each time she’s done it.
Today I yelled at her, called her a mean person, and forced her out of my room as she was spilling water on my photos. I feel this is a violation, of my privacy, and my boundaries. AITJ for being upset?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your mother sounds a lot like mine, though a less explosive version, and mine gave it up years ago. I remember the heartbreak of being forced to throw away nearly a third of my belongings because my room was cluttered. You are an adult. She has no right to go through your belongings for anything short of smelling rotting food.
It sounds like your room was more chaotic than dirty and she had no right to touch your things. I hope she didn’t throw away anything and you find the things you’re missing. Best of luck and get out of there ASAP, you’ll feel a lot better for it.” CheezyPotatoSkins
Another User Comments:
“NTJ She is not being nice. No matter what she tries to convince you of, her behavior is *not* well-intentioned, and you have every right to be upset. Unfortunately, you are very unlikely to get her to respect you. I’m glad to hear that you’re moving out soon.” DarkLadyNyara
23. AITJ For Choosing A Duet Partner While The Other Was Absent?
“I 15(f) and two of my friends, both 15(f), are in a theater class our freshman year. We had just finished our show, and our teacher had a tradition where we either be in a group or a partnership for a lip sync competition.
And three other girls, Julia, Mary, and Katy, were planning on being in a group and finding a song from a musical to do for our performance.
Our teacher only gave us three class periods to find and practice a song, and then it would be performance day. Me and my friend, I’ll call her Julia, were the only two girls there during class, and we only had two more class periods to practice, but we still hadn’t found a song, and with Mary, my other friend, not here, we didn’t have much of a choice.
Me and Julia found a duet song and began to practice so we would be ready for performance day.
The next day, I walked up to Mary and told her what I and Julia decided to do, since she wasn’t there, and Mary blew up at me and told me that she and Julia were already planning on being in a duet and kicking me out so I could find another group to join in on.
I told her that because she wasn’t there, that me and Julia had no choice but to have her and Katy, the other girl there, be partners.
Later that day, I confronted Julia on what Mary had told me, and Julia told me that Mary told her that’s what Mary was planning on doing, and that she had no intention of kicking me out.
She also told me that Mary had been talking badly behind my back and that I was a lost cause.
Mary then grouped with Katy and found another girl, Tiff, to add to their partnership. Mary was absent from school for the next two days, meaning that Katy and Tiff needed a new plan.
Katy and Tiff decided to do a duet, meaning Mary couldn’t perform with them.
Mary stormed up to me and told me that I was a jerk for causing her not to be able to perform, and I was too stuck up and selfish to consider other people when I make decisions.
I told her that because she was absent, nobody would be able to do anything, and it was her fault for missing mandatory rehearsals.
She ended up having to sit out and watch everyone else perform, and I feel kinda bad for her. She started crying during everyone’s performances because she couldn’t perform, and I felt like a jerk.
Me and Julia won, but it didn’t feel as good as I thought it would. She’s still sour and blames me for something I don’t think I could control, and Julia thinks Mary is out of line. Mary has a long history of this, too.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You showed up and did the work. Mary did not (repeatedly). In a perfect world, Mary will realize that she messed up, but until then just ignore her.” RedMongoose573
22. AITJ For Being Upset With My Friend's Last Minute Cancellations On My Birthday Plans?
“My birthday was last week and I had plans with my friends that fell through.
Initially, since my birthdate fell on a weekday, I had planned to go to the spa and grab dinner later with a friend. I double-checked with them the day of and they confirmed. By 6 pm I called them and they told me that they had some work to finish up and they would let me know in 15 minutes and that now they needed a car seat because of an unexpected change.
I didn’t get upset, I just said keep me posted because we can always reschedule.
Two and a half hours later, they called me saying we could still go to dinner despite the restaurant doing their last seating at 9 pm, it was 8:36 pm. At this point, I’m in my pjs and annoyed because I honestly had no problem ordering in and I was sure we weren’t going to make it on time.
I got dressed and went anyway because they were persistent in trying. We got to the restaurant at 9:08 and they confirmed they were no longer seating but I opted to ask the bar server if I could still order to go since I didn’t eat, while my friend was getting herself together in the car.
Because it was my birthday, she agreed and let us order drinks and food to go. We stayed at the restaurant for 35 minutes.
The following day, I called them to confirm the weekend plans they had made for my birthday. They agreed but let me know they had something to do Saturday night.
Saturday comes, I call them bright and early, no answer. They called back two hours later saying they would have to do a rain check. Fine, but considering they knew from the night before (based on that morning’s conservation) I was annoyed.
I called at 7 am because the plans were to leave by 9 930am, and they called me back at 9.
I called them back and simply and calmly stated that I understand you have a lot going on, and that I don’t mind rescheduling plans. However, it would be nice if you communicated these things promptly that way I have a chance to plan accordingly because, at this point, I’m frustrated. The place is a brunch spot that tends to get packed quickly so ideally you want to be there before 10.
She agreed that she could have communicated better, so we hung up. Less than five minutes later she called back and stated I had high expectations for her and that I was ungrateful. I told her I knew she would cancel and my expectations were far from high.
Regarding being ungrateful, I feel like she set up these plans and then delayed and canceled them. Like, am I supposed to be grateful for your 30-minute appearance? She then pointed out things that upset her like me having a slight attitude when she picked me up for dinner and that I assumed the rest of the day’s plans were canceled too (and they were because I didn’t hear from her again) and other situations outside of our friendship that were frustrating her.
Which to me seems like an excuses because I asked for nothing but communication. Although I tried to be considerate, she, in turn, got upset. Mind you, we’ve been friends for over 20 years, we are in our 30’s. This is not the first time she has a habit of waiting till the last minute to cancel or simply just not answering the phone.
Her birthday was last month, I came to dinner, showed up on time, and attended impromptu plans after.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You could have been writing this for me about my former friend who did this to me constantly for 15 years. The last straw was on my big milestone birthday.
She blew me off that morning for a road trip we’d planned for months. I thought her excuse was ridiculous, but she sounded upset so I let it go. She swore we’d go the following Saturday. That day came and I’d intentionally told her the wrong time to be at my house so she’d arrive on time.
Well, that came and went, so I texted and she said she was on the way. I gave her 30 minutes (the drive is 20) and texted again. Still “on the way”. Another 30 minutes and I’m worried something happened so I call. She answers and it turns out she is still at home and tells me “I didn’t feel like going out today”.
She says we should go the following Saturday, which is now 2 weeks after my birthday that she blew off. I told her no and I’ve had enough of this crap and I hung up and went on my road trip by myself. I haven’t seen her since and it’s been almost 8 years.” Realistic_Sorbet2826
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and her calling back to try and blame you is just beyond the pale! She knows she messed up, she knows she messes up like this a lot, but still wants to deflect any sort of responsibility for her inconsiderate behavior onto you.
I have a “friend” like that too. Would constantly no-show for plans, or show up late with no prior warning. Worst of all her motto was “I may not be right, but I’m never wrong.” I quit inviting her anywhere, or if I did, it would be to events where there would be a group of us, so if she didn’t show, no big deal – my friends and I would still have fun.
People like this will always deflect blame – they just cannot fathom being wrong. 20 years or 20 minutes – she’s just not that good of a friend!” Ok_Conversation9750
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can’t be a jerk for feeling annoyed, only by acting like a jerk because of it.
It is really hard to tell your tone with your friend. If this is the pattern that recurs where she makes plans, calls to delay, ghosts until too late, then either shows up or calls to cancel, and you get upset but go anyway, then you need to change the pattern somehow.
Either don’t make plans with her, make plans that you do regardless of if she shows up or not, or don’t get upset if she ghosts you.” angiehome2023
21. AITJ For Being Upset About Losing My Solo In A Musical Theatre Performance?
“So I (15 male) am involved in this musical theatre thing. Now this is a part of a larger play my dance studio is doing which I’m thrilled to be in every year. For this one, I got a callback for the main character (play unnamed for personal reasons) and I was pumped, in prior years I was always the side character, only a few lines normally, but still on the “main cast” list. So I was pumped out of my mind.
And I didn’t get it, I asked all my friends who saw it and they said mine was better, but I don’t know, maybe it’s just because they’re my friends.
Now I accepted this but I still got one of my normal side characters. Which I’m ok with.
Now, the big pull for me getting this role was that I got to do a solo in my musical theatre class! I was even more pumped now! So I went into class and I did that solo, I felt like I did it very well.
Not the greatest, but I was also catching a cold at the time so it was expected.
Then, I came to class today and I was told my understudy would be singing with me. At this point I’m a little annoyed, but I’m not very confrontational, plus the understudy for me is a friend, so I let it go.
But then, I get more news! And guess what! The guy who got the main character for the play (the one who got it in the callbacks) also shared my solo now! So now, three people are doing my “solo.” At this point I’m mad, but like I said, not confrontational, it’s just during practice, I thought.
Now I’m going to emphasize on “I thought”, because afterward I was told, both of them would also be singing it on stage! Now I’m mad. I’ve lost my “solo” (which is now really a group), the only thing I coped with after I lost the other role.
And I lost it to the guy who got the bigger role!
Now, I’m genuinely curious if I’m the Sharpay to the Troy, or if I’m in the right. Because I even recognize there are points for both sides. On his side, he might not get a big role like this, so he’s taking anything he can get.
On my side. I haven’t got a significant role like that yet! And he’s taking a part of mine. Thank you in advance for giving me clarity, even if I’m in the wrong.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for being annoyed but it was the dance studio’s call and not the call of the people sharing your solo.
That is how theatre works – you get the rough with the smooth. Maybe your voice wasn’t great when you had a cold and they thought you could use the help. I’d ask for some feedback from the decision-makers about what tips they have for you.
There is nothing wrong with coveting a part and being annoyed about not having enough solo time, but you need to keep improving your skills to get the best roles. ” Squiggles567
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Knowing which show it is would help a lot, but even if you’re not a strong singer it’s very weird to have another character sing along with what is supposed to be your song.
If they didn’t want you singing alone they should have cast somebody else. Casting somebody else doesn’t feel better but it’s honest. You at least deserve an explanation for this.” [deleted]
20. AITJ For Not Taking Off Work To Help Set Up My Brother's Birthday Party?
“I (21f) live with my parents, work full time and go to college. My little brother just turned 6 last month, but he didn’t have a birthday party right away due to weather issues. I asked my mom when the party would be since I would need to request off from work to make sure I could make it.
She said it might be on a certain day this month, but she didn’t know when yet. I told her I needed to know soon because I needed enough notice to be able to ask off (4 weeks to be exact). She told me that it was going to be this Saturday, 2 weeks ago.
I told her that was not enough notice for me, but I would see what I could do. I already knew I couldn’t get the day off because the schedule was already out that far and my bosses are sticklers about changing it after it’s put out.
So I figured I could take my lunch break at 3 pm, which is when the party starts, stay for an hour, and then go back to work.
When I told my mom this, she was mad. She said she expected me to help set everything up, along with my two younger sisters.
I told her I couldn’t get the day off because I didn’t ask off in advance, but she’s still scolding me for not getting the day off. She wants me to call in the day off like my younger sister is. The only issue with that is, that my little sister works a part-time job at a place that doesn’t have any sort of attendance policy set in stone, so they’re more flexible about call-ins.
My job, DOES have a policy, and calling in would affect me down the line. I’m still able to go and celebrate with my brother, but I won’t be able to go and help my mom set up. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ you can’t help that she didn’t tell you a date soon enough.
And silly me, I thought she wanted you at the party to show love to your brother, not to be put to work. I’d just take your brother out for a 1:1 outing to a playground or something and skip the party altogether.” cinderparty
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If she isn’t willing to make it a day where you’re not working and have it all preplanned to give you time etc, then I wouldn’t bother at all. You are a full-time busy adult and she should know that. She cannot expect you to do anything for her.
I wouldn’t listen to her at all” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Anyone that thinks you should call out of work to celebrate a birthday is immature. If you weren’t able to get the day off, then you go to work. It’s especially immature to think someone should call out for a small child’s birthday (that isn’t your kid).” SigSauerPower320
19. AITJ For Making My Partner Sleep On The Couch Due To His Night Terrors?
“My partner (40m) and I (33f) have lived together for barely over a year, but we’ve been in a relationship for over 4 years. When he moved in no issues were sleeping in the same bed. But a couple of months in not only was his 4 AM wake-up time for work disruptive to me, but his night terrors that he’s always had became a big issue.
On his own, he falls asleep with the TV playing because of anxiety- which early on I expressed would be disruptive to me. He has a Bluetooth speaker eye mask wrap that he’s used to play TV sounds in the past which felt like a good middle ground but he’s stopped using it.
When he has night terrors he screams out “Stop!” “No!” intermittently. If he’s spooning me, he’ll jolt in his sleep and his arm/hand will grip my ribs suddenly and severely. He’ll “fight” in his sleep and I’ll get kicked, or hit, or catch an elbow.
And then he’ll start getting restless and start shaking his legs. (Usually, he will leave the bed at this point).
Needless to say this means I’m continually waking up throughout the night quite suddenly as though there’s an emergency (the yelling). I try to comfort him.
But it’s hard for me to fall back asleep. I’ve been working hard to regulate my sleep schedule because I’m very active and started a new in-office job recently- I see the lack of sleep reflected in my work performance.
This has led to a lot of conflict since to combat this he started sleeping on the couch.
I try to find a compromise by proposing we sleep together on Fridays and Saturdays when we don’t have to be up early and build up from there. Or even on a weeknight if I don’t have to be up early or have a lot to do at work.
But he’s all or nothing about this. And I feel guilty because it’s hurtful to him that I don’t want to share the bed with him.
I’ve urged him to seek medical help. But he doesn’t have health insurance. I’ve offered to help him financially but he doesn’t do anything.
He just says I’m making him sleep on the couch because I don’t want him. And we get into a ton of fights about it now- our relationship is suffering. I feel very nonjudgmental and sympathetic to the fact he has these sleep issues. I wish he could be well rested and that we could share the intimacy of sleeping together.
But I don’t think I should have to constantly sacrifice my sleep quality because of a health issue that he’s not taking steps to manage. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ So, to recap, he has a serious sleep health issue and disruptive sleep needs. He refuses to get help with this, even if you foot the bill.
His expectation is for you to… just suffer? That’s not a compromise, that’s total capitulation. His desire for physical closeness does not trump your basic need for sleep. He is choosing to make it a “you don’t love me enough” issue, instead of just doing the work to address his serious sleep issue.
Honestly, this is a red flag. Health issues only increase as you get older. If he doesn’t take care of himself and only blames you for not meekly going along with his self-destructive ways, even when it impacts you, you’re going to continue to suffer.
He needs to put on his big boy pants and address the issue, or get used to the couch.” thoracic bunk
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but he needs serious help. My father suffers from PTSD and night terrors from his time in Vietnam. At one point he hit my mom so hard in the arm it left a huge bruise.
He felt so bad he got help immediately. He still has to fall asleep with a TV on but now we don’t worry about him hurting anyone. Try getting his family involved as well if they’re close. There are so many options, medicine and otherwise, that can help him.” LFGM1977
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sleep is a third of your life. It seems like you’re interested in better sleep, but bizarrely your partner does not seem interested in you or him getting better sleep. He’s the jerk, the partner waking up the other person needs to try to find a solution to their problem.
I snore and in the last few years, I’ve done a sleep study and had sinus surgery to try to resolve the issue. If my husband asks me to sleep elsewhere if he needs a good night’s sleep, I’m kind of bummed but I don’t blame him or make silly arguments like I don’t want him.” ricebasket
18. AITJ For Not Getting Involved In My Mother And Sister's Argument Over A Pharmacy Trip?
“My mom and sister stormed out of the house after an argument they had.
My sister was supposed to go to the pharmacy for my mom today but she got sick and didn’t do it. Earlier my mom also asked me if I could maybe do it and I told her I would if she let me know on time since I have other plans today.
The three of us got into an argument about it and fast-forward to a few hours ago when my mom told all of us to just let the thing go and move on.
Half an hour later my mom started screaming at my sister out of nowhere about the pharmacy again.
They were going back and forth, my mom screaming and my sister trying to calm her down because again, my sister was sick and had a headache.
A bit into the argument my mom yelled that my sister always does things like this and asked me to confirm.
I told her I didn’t want to get involved because this wasn’t my fight (I was fully on my sister’s side but afraid to say so). My mom got mad at me for that and my sister came to my rescue saying to leave me out of it.
After my sister left my mom came back to yell at me saying that she’s never doing anything for me again since I don’t ever help her either, she also said, “I know you got work tomorrow but I’m not getting up at 9 am to watch the dog so figure it out”
My sister has plans tomorrow and I can’t leave the dog alone since he has separation issues now I don’t know what to do. I thought about calling in sick, but I’m one of the only people working tomorrow. AITJ for not getting involved, and is my mom right to leave me figuring out how I can go to work.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ but not for “not coming to your mom’s rescue”. YTJ for not helping your sick sister, you let her get berated even though you thought she was in the right. Your sister even came to your rescue but you couldn’t even stand up for her.
Your mom is also a massive jerk for screaming at her kids and leaving you in the lurch. Only your sister seems faultless.” sleepysunsss
Another User Comments:
“Crate the dog. Put a blanket over his crate. Don’t miss work. It helps when you have dogs and can put them outside when you leave i.e. fence.
I’ve had one dog with separation anxiety but as long as she has her dog buddy she’s fine.” UpbeatAd4822
17. AITJ For Wanting To Tell My Family About My Cousin's Past Theft?
“I (19F) and my cousin (30M) have not had a good relationship for the past 10 years. I recently learned about why he stopped attending family functions. My sisters and I used to be fairly close to my two cousins, however around when I was 9 years old the older of the two cousins stopped attending family functions.
However, recently he has started to attend family functions again.
When I asked my mother about why he stopped attending family functions she explained to me that he has struggled with substance use. I asked if he stopped attending functions because of that or because something else happened. My mother then told me that 10 years ago during our house renovations that he was helping with, he had taken all the savings from me and my sisters’ piggy banks.
The amount was well over a few hundred euros, and he had used it to buy substances. At the time my sisters and I were young and unaware of it, so my parents paid out of pocket to put the amount back into our piggy banks.
The only people who are currently aware that this happened are me, my parents, and my grandpa.
I asked my mother why we had not told the rest of the family yet, especially my aunt and uncle. She told me that my grandpa had decided to keep this from the rest of the family because it could disrupt my cousin’s life and possibly cause a relapse since he is seemingly back onto the right path after rehab and reconciling with his parents.
However, my parents have never been reimbursed for the funds that had been taken from us. Neither my aunt nor uncle are aware of this so they cannot pay us back and despite requesting my parents to keep this from the rest of the family, my grandpa has not reimbursed us either.
So, would I be the jerk for telling the rest of the family, even though my cousin is currently doing well, and this could damage the relationship he has built back up with his parents.”
Another User Comments:
“Yes YWBTJ. This is water under the bridge.
Was your cousin a little jerk for stealing from children yes but you didn’t even know about it at the time. His actions had no impact on you. Your parents as the adult chose to handle the situation as they saw fit. They replaced the funds and moved on.
They said something to him because he stopped coming around. You sound like a pot stirrer. You are looking to create drama for no reason other than to start trouble. If he steals from you now then you have every right to handle the situation any way you choose.
Also keeping several hundred euros in piggy banks is just irresponsible.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Yes, YWBTJ. Depending on his rehab and steps (12-step program) this is something that he should be addressing in the “make amends” stage. If he doesn’t do it or even remember it, this will help NO ONE if you tell.
People will likely take it out on your parents, which they don’t want anyone to know. If THEY were upset that THEY were wronged since THEY are the only people actually out the funds, then THEY can speak about it. However, if all of these years have passed and they haven’t said a word, THEY don’t want to.
Let it be. This water went under the bridge, down the river, and left the country. There is no reason to bring it up except to hurt people.” JGalKnit
Another User Comments:
“Build a bridge and get over it. People make mistakes, especially in the grips of an addiction.
He has got his life back on track, why would you deliberately derail that and put his sobriety at risk over a couple hundred euros? If your parents got over it you need to harden up and let it go. Don’t wreck someone’s life over a mistake years ago.
Addiction is a horrible disease and can be very hard to maintain sobriety, please don’t be petty and wreck someone’s hard work getting sober. If you do say something you would 1000% be the jerk” Elainna420
16. AITJ For Asking My Friend's Crush For Homework Help?
“My (F, 18) friend (let’s call her Anne, F, 17) likes a guy in our class (Luke, 17) quite a lot.
She has this love-hate relationship with him and no one ever knows on what terms they currently are as it changes every day. They always argue over stupid things and she’s usually the one who gets mad at him.
One day I needed help with an important assignment that was due that day.
I texted Anne if she could help me for a moment, but she didn’t respond for quite some time. The time was running out so I asked some other friends for help, but unfortunately, no one was able to help. So I decided to text Luke, thinking he could help, because he helped us with this subject a lot in the past. We only talked about the assignment and it was a short conversation since he wasn’t sure about it either.
Fast forward, Anne found out about me asking Luke for help and she talked behind my back to other friends about how dare I text him when I knew they weren’t on good terms now (I didn’t know). She sounded completely normal when texting me but sent a lot of angry voice messages to my friend, complaining, saying I am emotionally immature, and that if I were a good friend I wouldn’t have talked to him and that it was insensitive of me to do so.
She said I could’ve asked anyone else and that I was only trying to provoke her by texting Luke and not someone else. However, I didn’t talk to anyone else in that class, so the options were limited since my other friends were unable to help.
I would have appreciated it if she confronted me directly but instead, she talked behind my back while I thought we were okay.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You know you’re not. Your friend is venting because she’s emotionally very immature. A question about homework doesn’t mean you’re asking him on a date.
It’s a quick, easy straight forward thing. She needs to quit talking behind people’s backs, it looks bad and makes you untrustworthy. Good luck” Less_Ordinary_8516
Another User Comments:
“You’re young. Take this opportunity to see how absurd your friend is being and start looking for other people to be close with.” facedrool
15. AITJ For Not Swapping My Business Class Seat With My Partner On A Work Trip?
“So, my job is sending me to Hong Kong on a business trip. I’ll be there for roughly 10 days, and it will be quite intense with not a lot of free time, only in the evening for dinner. However, I’ve decided I’d love my partner to join me, as my work will put me in a very fancy 5-star hotel, all paid for by my job.
So, I invited her to come with me if she has the time available from her work. All she’d have to do is buy her tickets for the flights.
As it’s being paid for, I’ll be in business class for the flight there and back, which I’m very excited about, as I’ve only flown business once before and not for a 16-hour flight.
We wanted to align with the timing of arrival, so we decided the easiest would be if she booked the same but in the economy, as the business tickets, one way was over 2k, just one way, and couldn’t afford/justify this.
The thing is, now she’s expecting me to swap with her on the way back so she can experience business class at least once.
I understand this sounds fair on paper, and if one of us got upgraded from economy to business on a vacation we’d planned, it would make sense. However, for me, it’s not a vacation at all; it’s a work trip. For her, she’ll get 10 days of a holiday to explore Hong Kong in a 5-star hotel & spa, with the only expense being the flight ticket.
I said no, I wouldn’t like to swap to go to economy, and I offered to pay for her to get access to the airport lounge so we both get to have some of the experience together. I do not want you to think she’s not happy and excited about this trip because she is.
She just thinks I’m being a jerk for not swapping with her or downgrading to the economy so we can be together for this 16-hour flight. I think that I want to enjoy the opportunity of business class (as it’s not an everyday occurrence for me) while I can, and we’ll have fun in Hong Kong.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ technically but is this someone you truly see as a partner and possibly a life partner? If business class is not something normally in either of your price ranges, why wouldn’t you want to give your partner a couple of hours of comfort and drinks?
Not even the full sixteen because your work presumably wants you well rested upon your return but I can’t imagine not wanting to let my partner experience something even for a little bit when it was in my power to do so.” diehardmoderate
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and please don’t swap with her. Your company has paid for YOU to fly business, and (depending on the company) they would not be happy if they found out there was a swap. The business class is to ensure that you are better rested to continue working after you land.
Furthermore, when your company booked you into the hotel, did they specify it was single occupancy? You could get into trouble there as well. And it goes without saying, don’t expense your partner’s food and drinks during the trip.” Realistic-Program517
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – I don’t get some people here.
Don’t you want your partner to have nice things? I think switching on the way back is a very small ask and I would be thrilled to share such an awesome experience with someone I love. Sounds like you gave that to her, but that is wrong.
It is your job that pays. And she pays. You are the only one who pays nothing and you don’t even want to share your seat.” Der_Vampyr
14. AITJ For Calling Out My Brother's Partner For Flirting With My Wife?
“I (24M) and my wife (31F) are very close to my brother(22M) and his partner(24) for the sake of this story we’ll call her Christin. I love my little bro and Christin very much however recently every time Christin drinks she starts to hit on my wife and talk about stealing her from me (I don’t believe a woman is something to be stolen if she wants to be with someone else she would) and how all men are trash.
It didn’t bother me the first time it happened because people who’ve had too much to drink say dumb things however it’s been every time she drinks. I finally snapped and told her “Just because you’re unhappy in your relationship doesn’t give you an excuse to be a home wrecker.” I thought that was the end of it until my wife told me a few days ago that Christin had been talking to her and crying about the comment I made.
I told her it was not my problem if her feelings were hurt because I called her what she was acting like, but my wife insisted Christin was only joking when she said those things and that I needed to apologize. From my perspective, it’s disrespectful to hit on someone who you know is in a relationship, especially in front of their partner and I told my wife if Christin continues to “joke” about her and my wife I’ll continue to hold a mirror on her actions and show her what she’s acting like.
We’ve been through a similar situation when I was at a job I used to work and a coworker was hitting on me. My wife told me it made her uncomfortable and I asked my coworker multiple times to stop even though it never bothered me because I knew it bothered my wife.
Now I’m asking her to ask Christin to stop and she’s making excuses of “If it doesn’t bother me it shouldn’t bother you.”
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ especially after you added that SIL is bisexual. It’s a joke when said once if she keeps ‘joking’ about it – it’s no longer a joke.
People who’ve had too much to drink speak the ‘truth’ because they aren’t thinking logically. You need to set boundaries and also explain to your wife what bothers you in that situation and why. And remind her how you didn’t question her request in the past and had her back, now it’s her turn.” Curiobizz
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for asking your wife to have your back. Keep in mind that people who’ve had too much to drink have less self-control and thus almost always show their true face, while sober people tend to filter and hide a lot. Interestingly, your wife is a hypocrite.
When she was not comfortable with you being flirted with by your coworker you did what she asked and had her back but now she doesn’t care when you are not fine with her being hit up. What do you think this means for your relationship’s future.
Also, only specific types of women say that all men are trash and you don’t want these women around you.” forgeries
Another User Comments:
“I think you were under the influence and acted emotionally. I’m not saying those emotions were invalid but calling your brother’s partner a home wrecker and unhappy in her relationship is a bit much in this content.
Has you have set this boundary before, and it was violated multiple times, I could justify your lashing out. However, you didn’t mention that this was a problem in the past, they did it several times around you without voicing a concern. As for your wife, it’s just unfair for her not to have your back on this, I agree there.
NTJ” Solid_Internal_9079
13. AITJ For Wanting To Kick Out My Irresponsible Roommate?
“I (21 F) started living with a new roommate (30 F) since we go to the same university, even though she’s a second year and I’m a third year. At first, it was going fine, she’s quite nice; but then, after like a month, I noticed I was the only one taking care of the house.
So of course, I decided we were going to make a weekly planner of the chores, and she agreed; for example, she was going to do the dishes at lunch and me at dinner (I don’t have time to do the dishes at lunch since my classes start at 2:30 pm).
Well of course, after like two weeks I started noticing how she always forgot to do her chores and left the dishes in the sink all day and I had to remind her to do what she had to do like as if I were her mom.
I started getting annoyed by the situation, so I told her, both about the chores and the dishes.
Also, she had this habit of leaving all her stuff on the dining table, making it impossible for me to eat there, to which she responded “I have to continue the homework later so it’s useless for me to clean the table”.
Plus, when one day my mom came to visit, apparently my roommate expected her to do all the dishes and clean the table after she drove for 4 hours, so, of course, I had to clean it all when I returned home from school at 5 pm.
So basically, after I told her all these things, she told me “Since I don’t think I’ll be able to do the dishes at lunch, let’s just do our dishes from now on.”. And, still to this day, she uses that as an excuse to leave her dishes in the sink for days.
And I still have to remind her to do her chores. Plus, to add to that, she’s extremely loud, and I can hear her laughing at her phone every 2 minutes. I’m honestly just exhausted from all this, and it’s not helping me with my school situation; what should I do?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Incompatible people here. Kick her out.” Mustng1966
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Go to the landlord and tell them the issue. Bad housekeeping can draw pests and result in damage to his property. He may allow you out of the lease or evict your roommate.” gloryhokinetic
12. AITJ For Asking My Mom To Pick Me Up From Work?
“For as long as I could remember my mom refused to give me rides. Growing up I always had to rely on other people’s parents to drive me places. If I wanted to go to a school event, hang out with friends, or even do anything out of the house someone else’s parents had to drive me or I had to walk.
(One time one of my friend’s parents dropped me off and said “Oh so your mom is home.” I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life.)
I now have a job and have been working since I was 15. I’ve had to take the bus or take an Uber to get to and from my job.
I don’t mind it when it’s warm out but right now it’s winter and where I live it gets to be negative. She still doesn’t pick me up or drop me off anywhere and tells me it’s not her responsibility. This woman doesn’t do anything for her kids except pay bills.
She only works 3 days a week then just sits at home and plays Fortnite the rest of the time. I live about 5 minutes away from my job so it’s not like I’m asking her to go far. I wouldn’t even mind getting myself to work if she would JUST pick me up.
I’ve told her that and I’ve offered to pay her for her time and she still tells me no.
She tells me it’s because she wants me to be “independent” but by being “independent” she means I don’t have to do anything for you.
If I want anything I have to pay for it even food most of the time. It’s not like we are tight on funds she just doesn’t want to do anything for her kids. When I talk to about this with her she gets defensive and pretty much says “I’m not your taxi” which I understand but I’m not asking her to drive me everywhere.
I JUST WANT TO BE PICKED UP FROM WORK!!!! I’m 17 now and when I’m 18 I’m going to get my license and a car and hopefully move out.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you are not asking for unreasonable things. It’s not ok for your mum to make you buy your groceries and refuse to help you.
Do some mental preparatory work for your adulthood when your mum is older because I can almost guarantee she will expect you to help her then. Parents like her always do. They act as though you owe them all the favors for being the reason you exist.” Ok-Map-6599
Another User Comments:
“Of course, you’re NTJ for asking your mom to be picked up from work, I mean you even offered to pay! I’m sorry you’re in that situation. However you do have a job and she technically doesn’t HAVE to give you a ride when there’s a bus available (although when it’s only a 10-minute drive round trip and she’s home she is absolutely a jerk for not giving you a ride among other things), but taking public transit in the winter is not fun.
How long is the bus ride to your work? Honestly, our public transit where I live is really bad and I often have to take 2 buses which take me around 45 minutes to go somewhere that’s not even a 15-minute car drive away! But if it’s only one quick short bus ride and there’s no waiting in the cold for the 2nd bus then I do know people who would just want their kid to take transit instead of driving them.” Leilani
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First, the things she mentioned ARE her responsibilities. Second, even if they could technically not be her responsibilities, why doesn’t she WANT to do things for you? And third, when she needs you, and believe me, one day she will, suddenly she’ll tell you taking care of her is your responsibility.” [deleted]
11. AITJ For Not Supplying Drinks At My Wedding?
“My now husband (26M) and I (25F) got married back in 2020. Before anyone worried about health issues we did not force anyone to come who was uncomfortable and restrictions were fairly lenient in my state by this time. We slightly rushed our wedding as my dad has several health issues and recently had a heart attack.
I wanted to make sure he would be around to walk me down the aisle. Because of this, we didn’t have much money for a wedding. It was less than $1500 counting my wedding dress and looked better than I could have imagined. We served homemade tacos for food and had water, juice, and soda to drink.
We had our wedding in an art gallery so even hiring a bar and having people pay for the booze themselves was not an option as it was a small-town gallery and had no built-in bar.
Most of the people in our families are Mormon so don’t drink anyway.
Therefore I didn’t think no booze would be a problem. A few people brought their own and a friend even brought my husband and me some champagne to have which was appreciated. We didn’t hear any complaints and assumed everything was fine. However, recently I have found out a lot of people were upset we didn’t supply booze.
A lot of people assumed I was pregnant and that was why. After learning I was not they were pretty upset and said I was a jerk for making people bring their own. We never told anyone they had to bring their own and those who did chose to because they had asked if there would be any booze.
I do not believe I am a jerk for this but, after speaking with one relative who was very upset, I feel bad for not telling those who do enjoy drinking they could bring some. So am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Booze might be expected by some people, but I can’t understand why it would be a *problem* if there wasn’t booze.
If someone was actually *angry* that there wasn’t booze at any event, they likely have a problem. Mild disappointment? Sure. But seriously, who gets angry?” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“The problem here is that it is still mentioned almost 4 years later. That’s some crazy thinking there about booze at a wedding years later.
NTJ” Beautiful-Report58
10. AITJ For Trying To Reconcile My Dad With His Ex-Partner?
“Me (16f) and my dad (41m) live together, my mom has not been with us for 10 years, we don’t see her.
He is the best dad in the world. He has done so many things for me, I’m grateful for all of it and I always want the best for him.
Also, he’s easy with women but even so, he has only had two relationships longer than a year after my mom.
His last partner, let’s call her Jane (35f), they were together for 1.5 years. Jane is a very nice person, kind, intelligent, and nice to talk to.
Yet my dad told me that they broke up last week. I asked him why, and he didn’t give me any details but I understood that it was my dad who ended the relationship.
I was sorry that they broke up. I could see that Jane made my dad happy and my dad is the kind of person who can easily cut people out of his life so I thought maybe he was being unfair to Jane.
I thought it would be good for both of them if they worked on their relationship. So I called Jane and asked her the reason for the breakup and she politely said “If your dad won’t tell you, I can’t either.” I told her that I would help if she wanted to get back together and she said that she wanted to but I shouldn’t interfere and that my dad wouldn’t like it anyway.
My dad overheard me, I was in the kitchen. He asked who I was talking to, and I told him. He picked up the phone and apologized to Jane for what I did. Then he scolded me for half an hour. He said I shouldn’t bother Jane, and that her relationships were none of my business.
She was not bothered by talking to me and we had already hung out before. I mean, I didn’t do anything, I just called her. Still, my dad is pretty mad at me. Do you think I was being a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“While your dad is wrong that their relationship is not of your business since you are emotionally connected to Jane and you are a person who will have to deal with the consequences of their relationship ending, I ultimately do need to vote a light YTJ though because I think you overstepped by calling her and you overstepped by trying to get them back together.
I think you need to tell your dad that you are sad about the relationship ending because not only did you like Jane, but you liked who your father was when he was with Jane. Explain that you are feeling confused and frustrated because while of course you weren’t involved in the romantic part of their relationship, you were part of their lives, and losing Jane is a bummer.
This isn’t a way to get them back, but it is a way for you and your father to talk and work through some complicated parts of single-parent + child relationships.” KartlindWitch
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – You just can’t on your own interfere with your dad’s relationships especially when you don’t know any of the details of their break up.
You had no right to do that no matter how you feel. Yes, you did do something you called her to interfere and your dad is right to be mad at you for interfering. You should just stay out of the situation, it doesn’t need your help at all.
If they will ever get back together it will be on their terms and not yours.” Mustng1966
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – You can’t meddle in other people’s relationships like that. Relationships can change very quickly and you can’t possibly assume to know whether he’s being unfair to Jane or that breaking up wasn’t the right decision for them.
If your father did not want to provide any details, which is perfectly valid since it’s none of your concern, you betrayed him by going behind his back and contacting his ex and volunteering to conspire with her to try and get them back together.” Aggressive_Week9068
9. AITJ For Wanting My Husband To Be More Realistic About Job Hunting?
“My husband wants a new job. He had a job in the corporate world about 10 years ago, but his department got outsourced. He then got a job as a carpenter.
He doesn’t want to be a carpenter anymore, because it’s hard on his body and his benefits aren’t great. He wants to get back into the corporate world. He does have his degree, but never got a job relating to his degree because he couldn’t find one, which is why he took the carpenter job to begin with.
He thinks he can do any job no matter what it is – even if he doesn’t have the required skills/degrees listed for the job. He refuses to apply for any job he feels is “beneath” him. I’ve tried to explain to him that he might need to start smaller to work his way up since while he has the practical/life experience for a lot of positions, companies are going to hire a person with concrete experience over him.
If I don’t agree with him, he says I am not being supportive. If I suggest that a job he wants to apply for isn’t something he has the qualifications for, I am not being supportive. I have to listen to his pity party and agree with him or I’m a jerk and not being supportive.
He also doesn’t do much searching for jobs — he’ll look occasionally, but only at certain companies. He wants me to do all the looking. Then he’ll tell me all I care about is money because I won’t just let him quit his job. (We cannot afford for him to quit, we have two children and I refuse to have their lives and livelihoods affected; parents have to make sacrifices for their children).
I don’t want him to be unhappy in his job, but I cannot handle the constant complaining. AITJ because I want him to just stop talking to me about it? I simply cannot take it anymore! I don’t even want to see his text messages during the day as 95% of the time they are negative.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This sounds like a nightmare. You know how they say women hold themselves back because we only apply if we’re qualified for everything listed in the job description and men don’t? This is like the extreme extreme. Sounds like your husband isn’t willing to do the work and figure out what he actually *can do*.
He needs to craft his persona and then look for the job that suits him rather than just throwing himself at whatever random thing sounds fun. Exhausting.” RutilatedGold
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- Your husband has a bit of a perhaps, overinflated sense of self and what he is worth in the job market.
I think if I was in your shoes I’d make it clear to him that you support him and love him, and will help read his cover letters and CV/Resume, but you think it’s best he keep that aspect to himself for now as you disagree with the type of roles he is going for.
Make it clear that you KNOW he is capable of finding the right role and you trust him to get on with it. Perhaps (if you can swing it financially) suggest a career counselor or similar to help him get the kind of role he is looking for.
Just as we shouldn’t take on all the emotional baggage of our partners (and sometimes need to suggest they get a professional counselor to help them deal with it) it sounds like in this situation, it’s time to bring in a professional. “Don’t waste your time applying for that job as you are unqualified, try this one instead” will sting less coming from them than from you.” SlowLime
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I feel for you. It is so hard when your partner gives up. What he’s doing isn’t fair to you or the kids. Of course, he can’t just quit his job. Not in this economy. If he’s unhappy, it’s on him to make a change.
I can’t believe he expects you to find jobs for him. That’s ridiculous. He should be embarrassed that he needs you to do that. He’s not thinking or acting rationally. You have two choices at this point as I see it: 1. Demand he step up, and commit to getting him therapy/meds/support to grieve his lost expectations and move the heck on and set and achieve realistic goals for himself and your family 2.
Make an exit plan, separate, and let him sink or swim on his own I know it would be best if you could snap your fingers and make him see reason, but that’s impossible. You can only control yourself. If he won’t step up and act like a reasonable adult, then you have to protect yourself and your kids.” CalamityClambake
8. AITJ For Being Mad At My Parents For Throwing Away My Airsoft Gear?
“I(16m) live with my parents. I’m halfway through my junior year and am applying for colleges.
I work at Chick-fil-A and I am part of a scholarship program with them. I play airsoft as a major hobby. My job lets me pay for my hobby and my phone, along with my being able to pay for groceries from time to time.
I love my parents, but since I turned 16 last year, they have been overstepping somewhat when it comes to my personal life and my privacy. They have recently been voicing their opinions that airsoft is “silly” and that I need to “get real” with my life.
I reminded them that I get good grades, I pay for my phone and my hobby, and I even pay for food occasionally.
About a week ago, I went on a camping trip over the weekend with some friends. We had a lot of fun, and I got back Sunday night to find that my parents had taken all my gear out of my room and thrown it away.
I had spent more than $1,000 (about 919£) on my stuff, and it was all my own money. My parents hadn’t spent a cent on airsoft stuff since I was 13. I was so mad that I took my bike and rode to my grandmother’s house a couple of neighborhoods over.
I have been staying with her for about 3 days. She is really upset with my mom. My parents have been texting me and calling me a lot, but I don’t want to respond. My grandmother told the rest of my family, and my cousins around my age are with me, but most of my aunts and uncles are siding with my parents.
They keep telling me that I am being ungrateful and that I shouldn’t be getting mad at my mom and dad. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You bought things with your own money, and your parents had no reason to get rid of them.
Personally, it sounds like there’s an issue with you being more independent while still being a legal dependent, and your parents are having trouble recognizing that. Realistically though, because of your age, there probably isn’t a whole lot of recourse available to you. Your best bet is open communication with your parents about why what they did hurt your feelings and was disrespectful, and truthfully they’ll either start to see it or they won’t.
I wouldn’t buy any new equipment though, good chance that’d be a waste of money unless you can keep your gear at a friend’s or something for now” faygoFluent
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You saved up to buy something for you enjoy as a pass time.
They had no right to dispose of it whilst you were away. They may deem it as silly but you enjoy it, and that is all that matters. You are not failing school, you’ve gotten a job to support yourself. You are making all the right decisions.
This is a poor judgment call on your parent’s behalf. Might be worth asking why they think it’s a waste and to “get real”. You seem more well-adjusted than about 90% of people your age. At 16 I was doing ludicrously stupid stuff, but regardless; they are in the wrong.” PandaLand447
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are right in being angry with your parents. I would categorize their action as theft and demand that they reimburse me. Can you keep staying with your grandmother? I’d be very reluctant to return to my parents till they had done the right thing and apologized on top of that.
I can’t even imagine how they have been thinking. It makes absolutely no sense to me, as you are doing well in school, you have a job and a career plan. What more do they want? They want you to have another hobby. Well, it could have been worse.
You could have been an aspiring drummer or trumpet player. Then they might have had something to complain about.” FragrantEconomist386
7. AITJ For Refusing To Regularly Drive My Co-Worker Home?
“I (28f) work retail at T.J. Maxx. And today when I had to leave, I was asked by one of the coordinators, who I am not fond of, if I could drop her off again.
The last time I dropped her off was last week and I was fine with that because it was snowing and the harsh weather and she lives 5 -10 minutes by car away. And my mom who was picking me up since they had the car said it was okay.
Like I felt awkward being in the car with her but I sucked it up. But today I had to be home for my online course and had homework I had to do. I told her I couldn’t because I had class and I knew that if I did, she would make it a habit to try and get me and my family to drop her off.
She has a habit of pushing work on others. Also, I knew today my brothers would be getting me from work and I didn’t feel like it was right to push them to drop this lady who wasn’t even my friend off. I did get more firm when I told her no and she responded with oh let me ask your mom.
I know if she did my mom would say yes. I feel like she didn’t respect my boundaries because she is an Auntie, an older desi lady, and I am desi too.
When my mom found out that I said no, she lectured me on how I was being rude and how wrong I was for saying no. My older sister said that it wouldn’t have mattered much if I said yes.
Now I feel like maybe I was a jerk for saying no instead. Even though I felt earlier that if I said no she would make my family into her driver.
Am I the jerk for saying no?”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t know much about desi culture, so please forgive me if I misspeak.
But you were doing a nice service offering your aunt/coworker a lift in the snow. A kind gesture once does not mean she should expect it all the time. It’s up to her to manage her own expectations and travel schedule. You explained that you couldn’t do lifts and that you didn’t want to impose on your brother.
She didn’t take no for an answer so she is the jerk. NTJ” OneEyedMilkman87
Another User Comments:
“As a person who did this to one of my classmates in high school, you are not the jerk. I didn’t even really know this girl, but one day I asked for a ride and I kept getting one every day after that.
I never even really asked her mom. I just kept hanging around with the girl until her mother pulled up and I would hop in the car too.” Rhonnie_2004
6. AITJ For Posting Photos Of My Deceased Grandfather On Social Media?
“So – it just happened. My grandfather passed away late last week. He was in his 90s. It was more sudden than expected.
I just shared a few photos and a post with his name birthday and death day. I honestly still do not have words to put behind how I feel, so I kept it simple. The photos were of him as a college student, with the family, their 75 anniversary, and him and me on my wedding day, not of him actively passing away.
My aunt messaged me and said “Please do not post our private lives on social media. It is very inappropriate and upsetting.”
While I understand she is hurting, I don’t find anything wrong with sharing the post. I also had an uncle share a post about it an hour after it happened. So soon after that, some of the grandchildren had not been informed. I waited 3 days.
I told her “This message is completely inappropriate.
His death is not private. We don’t need to hide from it and it is not just a family matter. There is no shame in his life or death so why can’t it be talked about?
Also, “Uncle” posted about it the day he passed away. This is part of how I am processing the immense loss I feel. You can process in your way and I will in mine.” She then came up with “he wouldn’t want his picture posted, please understand this”.
To which I replied, “You are incorrect because I have shared photos of him before and showed him and showed him the comments and he did not care.”
My grandfather also loved photography and shared photos often. While he did not understand social media, I think if he had understood it he would have just been sharing photos all the time.
Not selfies, but everything else.
So, hit me – AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your aunt needs to understand that everyone grieves and processes differently. Posting photos of your grandfather is a way for you to honor his memory and cope with the loss in your way.
She shouldn’t dictate how you should mourn your loved one’s passing, especially when he had no issue with it before. Keep sharing those memories, they are precious and beautiful!” panagnilgesy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – those photos sound lovely and very appropriate for a memorial. It’s telling that your aunt has picked on you and not other family members doing the same thing.
Sharing (tasteful) photos of the deceased is common practice. I lost a dear friend 10 years ago and whenever she pops up in my memories I can’t help but re-share them, because I haven’t forgotten her. I never will. I think the way you expressed yourself was perfectly appropriate – it might be worth blocking your aunt for a while, you deserve peace at this time.” JunebugSeven
Another User Comments:
“Very soft ESH. When my dad passed away, one of my sisters put a tribute to him on social media. After finally going home and getting to sleep the day he died, I woke up the next morning and turned on my phone and there was his face.
First post, no way to avoid it. I have to say it was an awful shock to see it first thing and I wish I’d been warned. My sister is very outgoing and as the natural way for her to express her grief was to announce it, it never occurred to her that it would upset anyone else.
It may be that seeing the photos shook your aunt the same way. A few heartfelt words of tribute would have been fine, but seeing the photos may have been too soon for those who were closest to him. For her part, she should have just been honest with you instead of saying that he wouldn’t have wanted the photos posted.” DesperateinDunharrow
5. AITJ For Considering Legal Action Against My Neighbor Over Unresolved Property Damage?
“Over three months ago, my neighbor’s (adult) son was working on his vehicle at the top of their steep driveway.
The vehicle, while left in neutral and with the parking brake disengaged (he admitted as much) was a safety hazard which he and his father should have known was an accident waiting to happen.
As one might expect, the vehicle got away from them, rolled down their steep driveway, down our little street, came down a bank onto my property, straight through my front yard, and then crashed into the side of my home causing extensive damage to the exterior wall as well as to the interior of a spare bedroom.
I have done everything his insurance company has asked of me – an extensive search for a contractor, near-constant back and forth with his insurance agent, submitting bids for the work, and choosing a local contractor who was recommended by locals in our small town.
At this point, now over three months along, nothing has been done – zero work has started and the insurance company is telling me the estimates I’ve submitted are too high and they are only willing to pay about 1/3 of the costs. I’m a very patient person – I teach 2nd grade – but how long do I haggle and negotiate with the useless insurance company before I go another direction to hold them accountable and demand my home be repaired?
My neighbor told me early on that I “would not get left holding the bag” but over three months later I find myself doing just that – holding the bag to the tune of $40K. What are my options and when am I allowed to throw my hands up in frustration and involve an attorney?
I really do not want to sue my neighbor, but they don’t seem all that interested in helping me solve a problem that they 100% caused and created. I have spoken with an attorney and he’s ready to file legal paperwork anytime – AITJ for moving forward with a legal case against my negligent neighbors?
Respectfully,
A Patient Neighbor”
Another User Comments:
“YOU should not be haggling with HIS insurance company AT ALL. You shouldn’t even be talking to them, since you have no contract with them. HIS insurance is HIS problem. Call YOUR insurance company. It’ll end up being either they fix it on your policy and then sue them for reimbursement or you get it fixed and then sue your neighbor directly and let him deal with his insurance company.
Call your insurance. If they don’t like plan A, go with your attorney and sue. Time to play hardball. NTJ” T_Sealgair
4. AITJ For Refusing To Help My Friend With Interview Prep Late At Night?
“My friend/housemate has an interview in 2 ish weeks, that she wants badly. (I think she feels a bit insecure and nervous about it).
She asked me if I would help her go through some interview questions and help her with answers, which we did for about 20-30 minutes.
The next evening, we chilled in the living room just watching TV / chatting for a couple of hours. I then said once it got to about 11 pm, that I was going to bed now as I needed to be up early tomorrow as I had loads of uni work to do.
She then decides to say, oh but please can you do some interview prep with me before you go to bed?
I declined and said she had the last two hours whilst we were doing nothing to ask me that, where I would have said yes.
But now I’m tired and going to sleep, but we can do it tomorrow. She said multiple times but it will only take 10/15 minutes to come on etc. I was firmly saying no as I was too tired, but promised we would tomorrow and walked upstairs.
She then came into my room to ask again lol, and when I said no again, told me that I am selfish and that I can never do anything for anyone (which I know is a feeling she has brought up to me before), and that I can’t even do something to help my friend out for 10 minutes.
For me, it was the principle that if it was ohad beennised in advance, I would have done it. But she sprung it on me late at night as I said I was going to bed. And I also felt it was an unfair criticism to say I never help, as I helped the night before, said I would do it again tomorrow, but there was no appreciation for that.
But AITJ for not just running through her interview questions with her for 10 minutes before I went to bed?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your friend/housemate sounds ungrateful and manipulative. “Nobody ever helps me.” Except you had the night before. And you offered to help the next day as well.
How rude! And then even after you said no, she comes and bugs you in your bedroom. No means no! How rude again! It’s none of my business, but if it were me, I wouldn’t help her again until she apologizes for being ungrateful and rude.” SushiGuacDNA
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s got two weeks. You said you’ll help tomorrow. You did help yesterday. If she wants to work on it every day up until the interview, she can look up questions online. If she snarks and brings up the situation again, consider playing along and asking her this interview question (or a variation of it): “How do you deal with a coworker who insists on making you do work for them that is not part of their job duties, even after you’ve already set your boundaries and advised them that you can’t help them right at this moment, but you can schedule a time to help them tomorrow?” HedgieTwiggles
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Your reasoning is correct. You don’t spend hours chatting away and then ask someone to do something for you just as they are going to bed. Her lack of gratitude for your past help, coupled with her lashing out at you, are reasons to tell her straight up to not bother to ask you for help again — as it doesn’t count when you do help as it’s forgotten the very next day when you don’t jump quickly enough to respond to the next poorly-timed demand.” kurokomainu
3. AITJ For Not Letting A Customer In Before Store Opening Hours?
“I work at a retail store and when we open we take signs out. We have an automatic sliding door that we turn on at open. We don’t lock the door when taking the signs out because it only takes a few minutes. Well, lesson learned because I was gone for 2 minutes and an older lady was there shoving the door open.
She saw me and said “Your door is broken” and I said, “No it’s not broken, we’re not open for another few minutes. At that point I’ll get the door going and you can come in to shop”. She told me she was “in a hurry” and “here now” so she needed to get her products.
I told her once again we’re not open, the registers aren’t up and she does not have the right to just shove the door open because she wants to shop now.
I also offered to go pick the products and have them ready for her so she can be in and out quickly but she told me she doesn’t know what she wants and she’ll know it when she sees it.
I told her in that case she is welcome to take a look once we’re open and I can help her then but I can’t let her in before that. She continued to try to argue with me saying it was “just a few minutes” I told her I was happy to get my manager if she needed anything else and the doors would unlock at open, then I went in and locked the door behind me.
I had more opening tasks to do and if I continued arguing we couldn’t have opened on time anyway. She proceeded to leave which I do feel bad about and then a few hours later a review was left stating discrimination and the “kid (I’m 23 but look young I guess) at the door refused service to me”.
She also called the store and demanded I get reprimanded for my “horrible customer service”. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and here’s the thing: Rules are rules. If you open the door early for this lady, then you must open the door early for anyone.
WHERE DOES IT END, OP??? Furthermore, it could pose a security risk to allow someone in the store during non-operational hours. I’ve leaned into both of those points in the past when dealing with customers. Both points are logical and if someone cannot understand them well, defer them to your manager knowing you were fair and balanced with all of your decisions.” slacker chic
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As a grown-up, she should know that she doesn’t get to shop at a store that isn’t open. There’s nothing complicated about that. She probably gets away with this sort of thing by behaving like an entitled child in other instances, though, so I’d guess that’s why she was mad.
I hope your employers didn’t reprimand you for that though…” hannahkelli
Another User Comments:
“Ntj, lady sounds awful. I work at a gas station and can’t tell you how many times we’ve had the lights off and were about to walk out when someone walked right in and claimed they didn’t know we were closed. Like, the fact that literally NONE of the lights were on didn’t give it away?
I hate people who think they’re so special the rules don’t apply to them” scootypuffs9
2. AITJ For Not Spending The Whole Day With My Sister On Her Birthday?
“My sister got upset at me for not spending the whole day with her for her birthday.
For some background information, about 2 months before her birthday my mom had surgery done (we do not have the same mom but she is still my sister <3). The weekend of her birthday was my mom's first day back at work (we are waitresses and we work at the same place).
The doctor said she could go back as long as she doesn’t carry heavy stuff and whatnot. When my sister told me her birthday plans about how she wanted to do brunch in the morning and dinner in the evening I told her that was fine but that I would for sure be there for her dinner only.
She got upset and asked why I couldn’t just take the whole day off to be with her, I explained to her that I needed to help my mom at work and make sure she was okay and that I really couldn’t afford to take a day off due to me being in my school’s Musical and I would need some Saturday’s off for rehearsals and I wanted to work as much as I could to replace some of those Saturday’s that I would miss.
She was hurt and decided to change her plans for the entire day said What was the point of keeping the plans if I wasn’t going. Fast forward to a week after her birthday (today), she called me and asked if I was at work and I said “No I had rehearsals this morning”, we continued to have a normal conversation.
After we hung up she texted me a few minutes later saying “I’m gonna be real honest….I’m real right now because I try not to ask you for much. But you took a day off for school, but not for a big birthday celebration for me, which I never asked of you.
I rarely ask you for things ever for my birthday and this is how I get treated. I’ll remember that.” So am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
” NTJ. An entire day is asking a lot, especially for a busy person who’s working, in school, performing, and helping your mom.
How old is your sister? She doesn’t seem to have realistic expectations or an understanding of what a busy schedule is like.” icarusancalion
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you offered to celebrate with her during dinner, but she chose to be petty and cancel everything. I assume your sister is an adult; she should know by now that the world doesn’t stop for a birthday.
She needs to learn to manage her expectations, or she’ll end up disappointed because people can’t drop everything to spend a whole day celebrating with her. It would be nice, yes, but it’s not always feasible.” Hour-Wind-2410
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister needs to grow up.
You have a very busy schedule and told her you would celebrate with her at dinner. You don’t have to spend a full day together for her birthday.” Fearless_Ad1685
1. AITJ For Declining To Attend My Brother's Fiancée's Destination Bachelorette Party Due To Financial Reasons?
“So, I need some thoughts on this. My brother is getting married this year, and I was close to his fiance before they even started to see each other. So we’ve been friends for a while. They got engaged last year and are getting married in late spring.
My financial situation is extremely precarious right now, and I will be needing to find a place to live before the wedding. As the planning for the bachelorette party started up in secret, my only request was to stay local so I could participate, and the bride had insisted on that as well as she wanted everyone to participate.
The plan then changed to a four-day trip 10 hours away. I had to decline because I couldn’t afford to be off work for that long (I don’t have paid vacation, a small business). My friend (soon-to-be SIL) came to me and explained that she was hurt that I wouldn’t be coming, and explained that she felt that I was using my job and general dislike of big parties as an excuse to back out and not go.
I attempted to explain the reason without giving away the surprise. I was told the maid of honor would pay for my share if it meant I could go. I explained that was incredibly kind and thoughtful, but I also cannot afford to be off work for 4 days without pay in my current situation.
SIL and MoH both still think I’m refusing to go because I don’t like parties or being far from home with people I don’t know. I’ve explained to both of them several times and they still think I’m being hurtful by refusing. Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You were clear from the start that you cannot afford to attend a multiple-day-long party far from home, and the bride herself even said she wanted to keep it local so that people can attend. The fact that the MOH has decided to plan a 4-day celebration 10 hours away doesn’t change your financial situation, and it’s nasty that both she and the bride are making this out to be because you don’t want to go.
It’s also awful that they’ve put you in a position to have to constantly re-explain that you’re struggling financially right now. They’re being cruel and ignorant, and if they don’t stop bothering you about this I’d block them until they get a clue.” ImStealingTheTowels
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This trend of over-the-top, extravagant pre-wedding festivities has to end. Not everyone has the money, time, or desire to shell out thousands of dollars for destination bachelorette parties, bridal showers, engagement parties, Buck and Doe parties, and every other thing. Going to the actual wedding can be expensive enough, especially if you’re in the bridal party.
Remember that “no” is a complete sentence. If you don’t have the money and/or the time to go, there’s your answer. That should be good enough for the bride and the bridal party as well.” Ajstross
Another User Comments:
“OMG. I’m not broke like I was back in the day and even I do not want to shell out for a four-day, out-of-town holiday for a bachelorette party.
I don’t get it anyway. A wedding doesn’t have to turn into a money pit for all your closest friends, does it? “I am sorry this hurts you. That was never my intention. But, I can’t get blood from a stone either. I can’t make this work.
That’s not negotiable. My job and life are very different from yours. Please don’t come at me like that again. I am not your child. Thanks for listening.” No does not require explanations, And gracious acceptance of the first No is something all adults have to get on board with sometimes.” AndSoItGoes24
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