People Tell Their Engrossing "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
18. WIBTJ If I Don't Show Up To Hang Out With My Sister And Cousins?
“My sister (18F) and I (20F) live in the same city for college. We are the only 2 family members that live there, everyone else lives further north.
She invited two of our cousins (19F and 21F) to stay with her for the weekend next week.
She never told me she invited them. She worked with them to figure out the date, time, where they would sleep, and activities they would do. Again, without telling me any of this.
We both traveled to my parents’ house over break. During dinner with our entire family, my mom asks ‘Does anyone have any fun plans coming up?’ My sister then decides to bring up these plans with our cousins.
This was the FIRST time I had ever heard about it.
I immediately asked about the plans, and if she ever planned on telling me about them. She stated that the plans were made a few days ago and she was ‘telling me now’. But she had only brought it up because she was prompted with the question.
She never asked if I was free that weekend so she had no idea if I could even make it. (and she most likely didn’t care).
Obviously, her telling the dinner table was not a personal invitation to me. If she wanted me to come she would have said ‘You should join us’ or ‘Come with us!’ Or perhaps she would ask if I was even busy that weekend before making plans.
But she did not do any of that. I fear that she will feel the need to invite me out of pity because she accidentally brought it up. I will not feel welcome to join them at that point.
My sister and I are equally close with these cousins.
We rarely ever get to see them. I am also very sad that neither of them told me either. But it is possible that they assumed my sister told me or that I was in on the plan.
Anyways, I don’t plan on showing up.
But I know my sister very well. My cousins will probably ask where I am and she will explain to our cousins that I am choosing to not show up because I am rude or dislike them. She will probably also call me (in a way they can hear) and confront me and ask why I am not there.
Also, I do not want my cousins to feel like I am ignoring them out of pettiness. Despite really wanting to see them, I genuinely don’t feel welcome.
I am in a horrible spot. I have been stressing about this so much since I found out.
I am not sure what to do. I don’t want to seem petty but I also feel unwanted and unwelcome.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you weren’t invited it’s natural that you won’t show up. So you’re good to go on that front.
If you’re worried about your sister trash-talking you to your cousins, it’s pretty easy to preempt that with an email.
Send your cousins a message and say that you heard they’ll be in town, but it also seems your sister has made plans, so they might be fairly busy, but if they have some free time and would like to come by and visit, to give you a call and you’d love to see them.
You don’t have to explain anything about your sister, or the strife that apparently exists between the two of you. Your cousins probably already have some idea about it, and it’s not really their business. The important thing for your cousins to understand is that plans with you are separate from plans with your sister.
And they will understand it, as long as your email is plainly worded.” mochi_for_breakfast
Another User Comments:
“Contact your cousins. The words you’re looking for are ‘I heard you might be in town soon and would love to meet up. When are you visiting?’ When they tell you about all the plans with sis and invite you along, you can say ‘Oh no, I’m busy that weekend!
I wish I’d known the dates of your visit sooner, I would have kept it open. Say hi to my sister for me though, we hardly ever find time to talk. Isn’t it funny? We live in the same city but I mostly hear about her through Mom!’ The tone you’re aiming for in that last bit is light and breezy.
You’ll get to give your regrets to them, circumvent your sister’s weirdness, and let them know that they need to talk to you if they want to see y’all in one go.
And NTJ by the way. And your sister sounds like my father, by the way.
Once I became an adult he was constantly either making plans and then bailing on me or telling me about things only when it was too late for me to attend.” catparent13
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I would however call your cousins and say that you found out over dinner at your mom’s that they were going to be in town and were wondering if they’d maybe have time to go to brunch with you one day.
If they ask if you aren’t coming out with them tell them the truth that you weren’t invited and only found out that they’d be in town when your sister told your mom. You can add you already had plans anyway if you want. I definitely wouldn’t go because your sister will make sure you don’t enjoy yourself anyway.” wlfwrtr
17. AITJ For Not Caring About Someone's Insecurities At The Gym?
“Usually I work out in the gym for athletic teams but since it is spring break it was closed. Therefore I was working out in the campus’s common gym, but it was no big deal it’s pretty much the same.
I do a workout program for track, so I do pretty basic exercises, with some occasional Olympic/barbell-type lifts along with running.
I stick to what I am told to do, today was a heavy day for said barbell lifts.
I had just gotten to the rack and was starting my first exercise, there was a couple at the rack next to me already doing their workout.
Live and let live, I don’t acknowledge them.
They started looking in my direction more. While I’m uncomfortable I don’t say anything and chalk it up to me overthinking it.
A little while later, I move on to my next lifts, which can involve dropping the bar occasionally (clean/jerks).
I don’t drop the weight from high up, but it can be a bit louder/more obvious than some other exercises, it was about the equivalent of a deadlift drop sometimes. The gym has no rules based on types of lifts, or dropping weights.
I had finished my set when the guy out of the pair comes up to me. He asks if I can not do those in that area, as it was ‘unnecessary’. I told him there was no other place to do them and that I will try to quiet down a bit.
I tried to put back in my headphones and continue but he tapped on my shoulder to get my attention again. He then told me I should stop ego-lifting as it makes me look like a jerk to those around me. He also started to talk about some sort of intimidation type of thing but I did not care enough to listen intuitively.
In all honesty, was not ego lifting, I was doing the weights/percentages the weight-room coach recommends for me and others on my team. Which even then, is not impressive. I told him upfront, I don’t care and went to try to do my set.
He responded by saying he was going to report me to the complex manager and to my coach (I was wearing a team shirt) for something like intimidation and being disrespectful/discriminatory towards others in shared spaces.
I was notably frustrated with this and said something like ‘I don’t care that you’re insecure and I doubt they will care either’ back to him.
He didn’t bother me for the rest of the time as they left the area.
Some people I asked said I could’ve worded it better, one said I was justified and he shouldn’t have been so pushy, and someone else said I was being inconsiderate of others.
I do think I may have been a bit harsh but given the circumstances, I don’t think it was unjustified, but please let me know from an outsider’s perspective.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… why does he want you to quiet down anyways? the gym isn’t really a place where I’d think people need to be super quiet, it’s a public place.
Obviously, the noise should be within reason but, from what you were saying, all the disturbances that were made were just expected. The gym is like the most common place to mind your own business and do your own stuff and go home; I don’t know why he was so focused on you.
LOL.
He sounds insecure but no OP, I don’t think you were in the wrong for going to the gym and gyming even if it was too obnoxious for the very intrusive man. LOL.” Aylthrowaway
Another User Comments:
“This is tough. The way you phrase it, from your perspective, you were doing nothing wrong and this guy was just flipping out, aggressively.
If that’s the case, being aggressive back is not required, but also not quite jerk-level if you do.
The thing is, an impartial observer that knows the culture of the place you were in may well say that you were out of line. Maybe the guy wasn’t completely flipping out… maybe he had a point, but you’d have no way to know because you shut him down completely.
By your own admission, you didn’t care whether he had a valid point.
Given how quickly you responded rudely, there’s a reasonable chance that actually YTJ, but we’ll never know.” Jeffrey_Friedl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’d wager the weights had rubber coatings, dropping them, as you know but this guy is ignorant of them, is to protect the weights from damage when they’re dropped. He must have not known, and instead of asking politely and perhaps engaging in a polite discussion that could have led to a response in which you could have explained the rationale of the lift and why you drop them, etc. He went straight to assumptions and casting an ego lift judgment and basically trying to insult you.
I hope he does go to your coach all riled up only to be left red-faced when he learns of his own ignorance.” jerbaws
16. AITJ For Wanting To Get A Raise Before Helping A Colleague With Her Schooling?
“I (32F) work in a daycare.
I recently obtained certification through an online school. Another teacher, let’s call her Estelle (probably in her 50s), showed great interest. The thing is, it’s a lot of work. The certification is pretty much self-directed and then you have to fill out a ton of paperwork, take an extensive exam, and then be evaluated as a teacher.
It took me well over a year to obtain mine and it was a huge pain in the butt. I explained this to Estelle and she was on board. I thought that was the end of it.
Then my boss, ‘Adrian’ approached me and asked if I could help Estelle enroll as she wasn’t familiar with the website.
I agreed and we got her signed up. Both Adrian and I stressed that it is a very intensive process and she’ll have to do a lot of work. The classes are non-refundable. Estelle said yes, yes, that’s fine. She paid for everything.
Estelle approached me today and asked if I could help her order the materials needed. I found this a little weird as the website is pretty self-explanatory and there’s a big tab that says ‘store’ where you order them.
But okay, I was still willing to help. We get this done and that’s when Estelle started asking me the same questions about the course that I already answered. She still didn’t seem to get this self-directed program. They have an administrator that looks over your work, but it’s on you to read the book, do the work and submit it.
There are no classes to attend.
Later on, she approached me again and asked if I could help her with the assignments, study, etc. I was clearly hesitant and she said ‘Adrian told me you would help. I only signed up for all of this because she promised you’d help me type things up’.
I went to Adrian who claimed ‘It’s not a lot of work’ and ‘Just help her out’. I asked if this came with a raise and she said no, as I’d be doing all of this off the clock. I said I’m not a teacher or administrator, I’m not doing this.
Adrian wasn’t happy but there was nothing legally she can do.
Estelle is very upset and frantic. She says she can’t do this by herself, why can’t I just help her? She already sunk a lot of money into this. Some of our colleagues are on her side.
They say I’m being unfair and it’s not fair to Estelle that Adrian lied to her. They say she can’t afford to waste the funds and really needs to see this through, but she can’t do it alone. The thing is, I’m the only one with this certification at the school (most have a bachelors in the field, so they never did this).
So no one else can really help her.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
They’re right in saying that it’s not Estelle’s fault your boss promised her your help, but it’s also not yours. If anything, Adrian should take the time to help with the assignments since they were the ones that started this whole mess (it’s unrealistic, I know).
Please, OP, stand your ground on this. You’re absolutely in the right on this, and you can tell Estelle that you already warned her about all of this. If Estelle can’t do it alone, she should hire a tutor, or grow up and do the work.
Honestly, I’m tired of hearing about boomer-ish-aged people and this level of entitlement. She made her bed, with an adequate warning from you, and so she needs to lie in the consequences of her actions.” OutsideGroup2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your boss sucks for promising your help to Estelle and Estelle sucks for not having confirmed with you that you’re helping if she really is so unequipped to deal with the coursework herself.
You need to explain to Estelle that you were not asked to help her nor did you consent to helping her and you’re sorry Adrian misled her but she will need to figure things out on her own. You’d already explained to her the work that went into it.
Also, if your boss is in the habit of volunteering you for unpaid work, you may want to start looking for another job.” Oldgamerlady
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’d be doing something unpaid and off the clock to upgrade your colleague’s life and your workplace.
Yeah, no.
Either Estelle pays you or your employer pays you. You stressed to her over and over that it’s a hard thing to do, and she said it’s alright. Your colleagues only side with her because they know she won’t need their help.
They’re not paying you, you’re doing it off the clock so your free time.
Yeah, hard pass.
If Estelle can’t do the homework on her own she doesn’t deserve the certification. Adrian can’t promise anything on your behalf because it’s outside work. Adrian needs to figure it out and help Estelle herself because she’s the one who promised to do it.
That being said, everyone in your workplace would be pressuring you to help her. If you help her, they’ll see you as easy and ask you to do more things off the clock. If you don’t help her, your relationship with everyone is going to go sour.
Estelle probably won’t shut up about it, they’d probably talk about it behind your back.
If it was me, I’ll start looking for a higher-paid job. I wouldn’t want to stay in a work environment that would pressure me to do things for free.” Rissyntax_v2
15. AITJ For Having No Interest In Telling My In-Laws About My Pregnancy?
“Back in December my husband and I found out we are expecting and we hadn’t told anyone up until this past weekend when we announced it to my family.
All of them were super excited. My family is very close to my husband and has been super involved in our lives. We go on vacation with them every year, see them multiple times throughout the year and they actively check in on us. His family on the other hand is estranged. We see them all once a year (thanksgiving) and it’s very awkward every single time.
The only reason we are invited is that they want help with funding their feast. They don’t like my husband and have been telling me to leave him and save myself since I got together with him (he was severely depressed at that time and had no goals – he’s much different now but they still hold it against him years later).
It’s important to note that we had become pregnant years ago and miscarried. None of his family was excited and when they found out we miscarried they said it was ‘for the best’. So this time around I truly don’t care if they know. I don’t care to tell them.
I don’t like them as people and I certainly don’t like how they treat my husband. To be quite frank, I could go my entire life keeping my unborn child from people and sleep soundly at night. They crap-talk my husband to everyone so I guarantee they will do the same to our kid.
So after we told my family my husband said something about ‘Now we have to figure out how to tell my family’ (because we did a special announcement to my family with lots of planning). I said, ‘How about a social media post’. He asked why my family got a special announcement but his doesn’t and I said ‘We can do a special announcement if you want but I don’t see the point because they won’t be excited and they will not care, just like the first time around.’
I wasn’t trying to be dismissive about it but I guess I kind of am in the same sense because his family aren’t good people. And as I said, we can make a special announcement for them but I truly think it’s a waste of time and effort.
He says he’s hurt that I’m so dismissive and maybe a special announcement will help them see he’s not the man that he used to be. So he wants to do it for approval, whereas I think it’s a waste. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You probably see the in-laws for who they are – cruel people not worth keeping in your lives. But it’s much harder for a son to come to that realization. So even if you are correct and it’s for the best to keep them at arm’s length, if your husband wants to do this, let him.
You don’t have to help (though he would probably appreciate it if you did). If they have the reaction you expect, you can gently tell your husband I told you so and work to cut them out more permanently. If he is right and they are pleased for you both, maybe the relationship improves slightly.” 6felt9
Another User Comments:
“In my opinion, completely NTJ.
Yes, these people are his family. But so are you and your unborn child. The toll of constantly being told to leave your husband, being told it was for the better you lost your first child, hearing them talk trash about your husband TO YOU, and knowing they’ll do the same to your child – this is all literally emotional abuse.
I understand having a poor relationship with your family can be heartbreaking and isolating. But at this point, with the damage done by your in-laws to you and your husband, they need to be the bigger person and take the next step if they want a better relationship.
Does your husband know all of the terrible things they’ve said to you and about him? Having a conversation about that before the convo about the pregnancy reveal is going to be key.
Maybe start with dinner? If they can make it through the dinner without saying something vile, maybe they’re interested in change.
If not, your husband needs to not let his child around people that’ll actively try and harm the relationship between him and his child.” badabingbadaboom3
Another User Comments:
“No matter what our family’s dynamic is, most of us have a basic need to be loved and accepted. That said, for many that simply never happens.
It doesn’t keep us from trying. This may be what your husband is doing and feeling. Yes, you are being dismissive. His family relationships are his and HE has to come to his terms in his time. The fact that he wants to do something a little special to announce this to his family should be given serious consideration.
Your family is your family, while he may have a good relationship with them and be closer to them, doesn’t make them a substitute for his bio family. I do get your feelings, but gently YTJ right now.” many_hobbies_gal
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If he wants to do something then fine. He can figure it out and you will participate to make him happy. But I would be honest and tell him that you’re not over how they treated you the last time you got pregnant and you are especially not over dealing with how they treated you after your miscarriage.
So that is why you are not particularly interested in speaking with them or doing anything special for them.
Hopefully, he understands.” TKDavis07
14. AITJ For Paying For The Repairs In My Mom's Bathroom?
“My (M28) Mother (F60s) is disabled and lives on a very small income, and her bathroom is in pretty bad shape. There are rotting floorboards and some mold issues. I have one younger sister (F25) ‘Anya’ and one older sister (F30) ‘Bea’.
Bea was working in women’s crisis in a different state from age 17, and she only moved back in early ’22.
She is really big on feminism and women’s rights etc, and so is my mom. Twice a week they get together and drink a lot of cider and talk late into the night.
Anya is a different kind of feminist than Bea and they frequently argue about how Bea is a lesbian and she and her friends are very pro-female.
Anya has walked out after fights several times now.
Last week during a fight my mom stepped in and agreed with Bea, and Anya walked out, even though I tried to calm her down. I figured she drives to her apartment and cools off.
But this time she rang up my mom from the car and yelled at her saying that ‘Bea is manipulative and only talks about worst case scenarios’ and ‘Bea is trying to turn you into a bigot’ until my mom cried and hung up.
Then today my mom posted on social media about how a contractor came around and gave her a quote to get her bathroom fixed up, and how stressed she was. I went around to check it out on my lunch break and while I was there, Anya rang, and my mom put her on speakerphone.
Anya told my Mom not to worry as she will cover the bathroom costs, on the condition that she stop talking to Bea. ‘Not permanently, but not unless I and (her partner) are able to help mediate’.
I was shocked, because I always saw that Mom and Bea were happy to talk about anything, with no mediation required, and I didn’t want my mom to make this decision based on finances.
So I took my mom aside after the call and said ‘You need to decide on your own how you want to deal with Bea, don’t accept Anya’s offer, I will pay for the bathroom to get fixed’ (plus I have a friend who can help so it will be a bit cheaper) and my mom gave me a hug.
So I figured it was all fine.
Then I guess she rang Anya back and told her, because she rang calling me a ‘jerk head’ and that I had interfered in her ‘Intervention’ to stop Bea from poisoning our mom and that if our mother ends up a bigot it will be on my head.
She then said that unless I retract my offer, she won’t come over anymore.
I thought I did the right thing but I can’t stop thinking about it. My mom and Bea get along great, but Anya is the baby of the family and my mom adores her too.
But I would feel really bad to take back my offer. I had no idea this was part of an intervention Anya and her partner came up with. I don’t even know how much Bea influences my mom. So I decided to stick to my guns and not retract the offer… Which means I have picked Bea over Anya?
Even though I didn’t want to pick?
Anyway, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for helping your mother.
Anya is a jerk for financially manipulating your mother. Financial abuse isn’t made acceptable because someone else (not even the person in need of the help here!) has views you disagree with.
Any ‘intervention’ should be discussed; they are all adults.
Anya and Bea both sound intolerable on at least some subjects. I hope both you and your mother can draw boundaries about conversations on those subjects and just enjoy family life.” Tangerine_Bouquet
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother is the mother of three adult siblings. Each of you is allowed to have your own thoughts, opinions, and actions involving your mother outside the purview of your sisters. Your mother is a grown woman. And whether she’s disabled or not, she’s able to make adult decisions on how she views the social or political landscape without being treated like she’s an addict.
If Anya was truly having an intervention because she was concerned about your mother, why didn’t she tell you about this beforehand? Anya accuses Bea of wooing your mother toward bigotry, but Anya is suggesting brainwashing. Is her claim, ‘It’s for the greater good’? Then Anya literally threatens you with blackmail—if you don’t take back the offer to fix the bathroom, she won’t go to your mom’s anymore.
These are not loving daughterly or sisterly actions.
I don’t even know what Anya means by ‘mediating’ between your mother and her mother’s own daughter, Bea. Why do Anya and her partner need to meditate? That sounds… fishy? Worrying?
I think you were wise to step in.
1) because you have the right to do what you want with your mom. 2) because it was nice to give your mom space to think and not be coerced into action. 3) because Anya seems too pushy about her views, the very thing she’s accusing Bea of.
Be careful. Something seems off there.” liliette
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it’s super manipulative of your sister to try to hold your mother hostage this way. Ultimatums almost always suck, and it’s awful that you’re getting the backlash from it. Not sure why Anya thinks mom changing her views in order to have access to a functional bathroom would be genuine or worth it at all.” In-vino-fuga
13. AITJ For Letting My Sister Fail Repeatedly?
“I’m a 24F and my sister is an 18F, I’m Autistic and she has ADHD. My sister lives a few neighborhoods over with my narcissistic mother and grandparents.
Points: She is medicated, she’s in therapy (a therapist I had to get her), she’s not doing anything to help herself and my mother does no parenting and does not care about anyone but herself. She’s been on and off homebound because my mother doesn’t want to wake her up and get her on the bus, and my sister is too tired to get up either.
Ever since she entered high school, she’s gotten worse at doing her work, even on homebound. Most of her teachers do her work for her or she just doesn’t do it, then cries and panics when she’s failing. I’m tired of it honestly, because I’m always asked last-minute to help her with her work and my mother will get mad if I don’t help her enough to pass.
She’s basically been failing her last two years of high school, passing through grades because of the global crisis.
A month or so ago, I’m texted by my mother and I’m demanded to calm my sister down because she was not going to graduate at this point.
She needs 22 credits to graduate, she has 15 and even if she passed this second semester, she’d only have 19 credits and would still repeat.
I tried my best to help her ground herself and calm down, but it turned into a slight fight. She blames me for moving out as the reason everything is going wrong in her life.
The reason her mental health is awful and she’s depressed, why school is horrible for her, why she has no friends and is lonely.
I just snapped and told her to take accountability for her own actions, that repeating the 12th grade isn’t the end of the world, and that her issues are not my fault.
That I have enough going on, and I won’t be to blame for prioritizing myself against the mistreatment in that house and leaving when I got the chance. I’m tired of being forced to mother her and take care of her because my mother has her head stuck up her butt.
My mother just complains and never disciplined her growing up, I was forced to raise her basically.
I, myself, am in therapy, trying to unlearn all of my trauma and process my experience through my mother and such. I can’t help her anymore. She has put herself in a position to fail again and again.
She did better in school, and in person, but refuses to go because she wants to sleep in and doesn’t want to be around other people.
After the talk/mini fight, things seem normal, but I’m still frustrated, I’m done helping. I won’t. I know she’ll repeat and I just don’t care anymore.
It’s the same cycle, year after year, all the way since middle school.
She always plays the victim and nothing is ever her fault, everyone gives her what she wants, and she’s always been the favorite child, definitely the golden child. While I was parentified at 6 to take care of her, I sacrificed my entire childhood for her.
I’m officially over it.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can’t make your sister function. It sounds like she’s really depressed, and feels helpless, and copes with that by just mentally buzzing off into la la land until she has no choice but to cope again.
While it isn’t her fault that she’s learned those coping mechanisms, and it sounds like she’s suffering from living with a narcissist, it isn’t your fault either. Doing her work for her is not going to help her in the long run. She’s already blaming you for her problems (they are not your fault).
Set your boundaries about what you will do and what you won’t, e.g. I will sit with you while you make a study plan, but I won’t do it for you. I will read over your homework but I won’t do it for you.
I will reward you when you meet a deadline (takeout together or something small?) to keep you motivated, but I won’t nag you or hound you to do it. I will love you even if you fail, but I can’t carry you, and I know you can do this yourself.
And if you’re really just done, that’s totally okay too. You have done an amazing amount as it is.” NotWithoutHopeYet
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. I’ve experienced something very similar, you need to know that it’s not your job to keep her in line and make sure she passes.
It’s HER responsibility. And if she keeps blowing it for herself, that is her own fault and completely out of your control! So don’t feel bad when anything hits the fan for her. She’s only doing it to herself. Though if she is struggling maybe give her some words of encouragement.
But never do anything for her.” R3troLoser
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Are you me? Because this was my life to the letter.
You’ve been parentified and your sister has her own experiences, but she’s clearly not going to change unless something forces her to do so.
You need to let her face the consequences of her own actions. Right now, your sister is in one of the best environments for it. It’s high school. She has a roof over her head.
You’re not responsible for her emotions or for any of her actions.
You’re not her emotional support animal or her emotional regulator. You’re just you. Only you can take care of yourself.
Your sister has been coddled to the point of her growth being stunted. She’s being shielded from the experiences she needs to grow into a proper adult.
You’ve been set on fire to keep her warm while you suffer the burns.
For both of your sakes, cut the cord. Step back. Put your phone on silent and say that you’re working longer hours. Make yourself unavailable. You wouldn’t be abandoning her by not answering the phone.
You’d be removing yourself as an option and getting the space you need to heal.
We grow up thinking this is normal when it isn’t. We get trained into shame and giving in.
I learned this way too late in life, but don’t be shameful.
Be shameless. It’s not quite right, but a saying similar to what I mean is to ‘grow a spine’. Again, not quite right, but you need to place yourself first and, if you feel it’s safe, hand back what they’re giving you.
Your mother says that it’s your fault that your sister doesn’t have friends.
How could that be true? Do you impersonate her on social media and make mean comments? Put on a costume to look like her and purposely Tarzan through the lunchroom?
Maybe even ask your mom how it’s true. I mean, clearly, your sister is her own person.
Unless you’re secretly one soul sharing two bodies, you’re not driving the proverbial car that’s her brain.
If your sister is 18, she becomes a legal adult. If she doesn’t have a job, she could potentially qualify for additional help. Professional help could actually give her the tools to succeed. You, as her sister, don’t have those.” mimi7600
12. AITJ For Telling My Niece To Go To Her Room?
“I live in a four-bedroom home with my husband (41M), our two kids, ‘Emily’ (9F) and ‘Ryan’ (7M), my sister (40F), and her daughter ‘Bianca’ (11F).
My sister is currently 23 weeks pregnant with a baby boy that is due in early July. She found out that the baby was a boy about a month ago, and decided to tell us yesterday that the baby was a boy, by ordering a cake with blue insides that said ‘Boy or Girl?’ for us to eat.
The kids were watching in excitement, unable to contain their excitement for the big reveal. My son was on team boy, while my daughter and niece were on team girl.
As I cut the cake, and the blue insides were revealed, my son started jumping up and down and cheering.
My daughter said, ‘It’s okay, I will still love the baby!’ However, my niece appeared to be very upset that the baby was a boy and not a girl like she had hoped. When the two younger kids finished their cake and went off to do their own things, she stayed in the room with us and kept glaring at us like something was wrong.
So, my husband asked her what was wrong, to which she responded ‘I didn’t ask for a little brother. You know I really wanted a little sister and not an ugly stupid freaking boy. I really hope the baby dies.’
I immediately jumped in and told her that not only is she not allowed to swear but that it was completely unacceptable to say such horrible things about her own brother just because she wanted a sister.
I told her that what she said was rude, selfish, and inconsiderate, that we raised her better than this, and to go to her room right now. She told me that I was the worst aunt ever before storming off to her room.
After that, neither my husband nor my sister said anything to one another until about 5 minutes later, when my sister asked me to talk in private in the master bedroom.
I went with her, for her to tell me that she agreed that what her daughter said was completely unacceptable, but that I shouldn’t have sent her to her room because she was likely just sad that she didn’t get what she hoped for and that she didn’t mean what she said.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is a shared household, so the adults have to co-parent as a team, not just as couples, at least when it comes to basic decency expectations and boundaries.
Your sister can’t expect that you would live with a child who uses abusive language and throw tantrums without having at least enough authority to ask the child to leave the room IN YOUR OWN HOUSE.
What, are you and your family supposed to just tolerate whatever her kid does?
Also, you sent the kid to her room. You didn’t discipline her. You removed her from the space because she was saying hurtful things to other people, and she needed to calm down.
Your sister pulled the wrong person to the side. What she needed to do was wait for a beat for her kid to get a grip in her room, then go to her and offer her comfort as well as a discussion about appropriate ways to handle big feelings.
She’s the one who failed this parenting test, not you.” Udeyanne
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Not because you should have let her comment slide, of course.
You’re a jerk because you punished her by pushing her away. After all, she had really big, negative feelings about something you don’t think she should have big negative feelings about.
You didn’t parent (as you seem to have a parent role here), you didn’t teach, you didn’t correct, you just punished in a way that would hurt her most.
Telling her that her comment about wanting the baby to die was absolutely inappropriate, yes.
Talking to her about why she feels this strongly over the baby’s body parts, yes. Talking to her about how she’s feeling in general about getting a first sibling – in a clearly less stable parental situation than yes. Working with her to address her fears, yes.
Discussing how she is going to make amends to everyone for her comments, yes. Working together as an (extended) family to make sure she isn’t feeling like she’s going to be pushed aside or turned into a third mom, yes.
But just ‘You are rude, selfish, and being horrible; go away, we don’t want you here with us and the baby’, which is what she heard, whether you meant it or not, is not the way to win.” FishScrumptious
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to go with NTJ, I think what she said needed some kind of immediate action. I’m sure she didn’t actually mean what she said and she’s dealing with a lot of emotions, but if mom was too shocked to say anything, someone needed to step in, especially since it could affect your kids too if they start to think that’s okay.
You should have a discussion with your sister about what to do in the future in those situations since your kids are all living together under one roof. I’m sure if she’s around one day when your kids do something, you’d like for her to be able to step in and do what you would do.
I would also make sure she talks with her daughter to see where she is and why she reacted that way, and explain to her that talking that way is not acceptable.” Fun-Shame399
11. AITJ For Disapproving Of My Son's Marriage?
“My son (25) introduced me to his fiancee Sara (20). He informed me yesterday that he is ready to marry her. He has been seeing her for about 7 months in total. I was introduced to her 2 months ago.
I will say it outright, I don’t like Sara.
She’s messy (and by messy I mean she looks like she lives in a dumpster), rude (she’ll cuss you out when you eat the last of the chocolate, even if it’s your chocolate because she wanted it – source: she did it to my daughter, I saw it with my own eyes), wasteful, and quite conceited (my son and she are banned from family gatherings after a particular incident).
I told my son the truth about it when he asked for my honest opinion after I met her. But in the end, he’s an adult and I don’t control his life.
When he told me about the engagement, he asked me, since it’s been two months, if I approve of her now.
I laughed a bit and told him no, I don’t. And he got mad and asked me why. So I gave him the following reasons: They’re 20 and 25 and getting married, which I think is a bit too early since they’ve known each other for around 7 months; Neither of them has a stable income or knows how to cook and clean so they’re hitting a disaster zone; They’re not going to have a pre-nuptial.
Again I don’t like her, but again I told him he’s an adult so it’s his choice.
I also told him they were going to have to move out because I have 3 other underage kids to look after and Sara is not at all nice or kind to them and that I won’t support him and Sara, just if they are in an emergency (Right now I fully pay for and house him, he pays no rent, and he has a part-time job and his monthly salary, if they budget it, will give them more than enough for essentials + savings (Sara owns her apartment so no rent), plus I am fully paying for his college so no loans to worry about), but other than that they have to figure it out themselves.
I also told him not to expect me to pay for his wedding because A) they want a very extravagant one and B) with the cost of living rising, I want to save enough to make sure my youngest (who is in 8th right now) will have the same opportunity as him.
He got mad at me and left.
I recounted this to a few of my coworkers and they think I am in the wrong. So I have come here to ask some strangers, Am I wrong?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. All the examples you mentioned show, that he is still a kid.
He’s financially dependent on you. For the living, for the wedding.
You do not like the girl and they don’t do anything to prove you wrong. He wants to be an adult he has to behave like one and take over responsibility for his own life.
You are no jerk. You gave him the choice of who to love, but you are allowed to be honest with him that this girl is causing trouble for your family.” NixKlappt-Reddit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. All your points are valid and if he thinks he’s mature enough to marry then he should be mature enough to respect your stance.
Storming out is not very mature. He’s not entitled to your money at 25yo. Why in the world would he expect you to pay for his wedding? I think it’s great you were in a position to pay for his college. That alone puts him in a better position than a lot of people.
He’s not an only child though, so good for you for ensuring there’s enough to give all your children equal support.” Turbulent-Army2631
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’re right that he’s an adult and you can’t force him to make a different choice than the one he’s made.
Maybe it would be worth reminding him of how much you’re still financially supporting him at his big age of 25 since children, barring extenuating circumstances, typically start gaining footing in their independence in their early 20s. Whereas he seems like he’s not eager to make any steps towards that because he still presently expects you to keep providing for him and then some.
I’m not suggesting stopping paying for his college, but if you’re giving him allowances I think it’s time to revoke that so he starts making up lost time in learning how to walk on his own two feet here.
To be honest, based on what you’ve described I’d be questioning if substance abuse is a part of this picture.” SulusSultryVoice
10. AITJ For Not Being Excited About My Husband's Clown Interest?
“My (26f) partner (30m) has many different phases in which he becomes super interested (borderline obsessed) in something.
The new interest today is clowns. He decided he wants to take clown lessons (he has a full-time job in tech so this was more like a hobby).
I’m usually very supportive but today I just wasn’t feeling like listening to facts about clowns for the entire morning.
We looked up a cool clown school and found one that gives classes for adults but for me, that was as far as I could go.
I started watching my show after that and he wanted to watch clown classes together but I wasn’t in the mood.
He got upset saying that when I decided to do my master’s degree he supported me so he was expecting the same support now.
I laughed when he said that since for me it’s really not the same thing. He got very offended and left.
Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, just some excessive expectations on his part that are making him lose his perspective.
You can express verbal support without participating in the class or listening to details the whole morning. Your husband’s expectations are a bit much. When you did your master’s degree, he didn’t come to the classes with you, did he? Probably not.” FeedbackCreative8334
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You still have to do your interests, and his interest is just that, his.
You don’t have to be interested in them, and you don’t have to participate in them. Being supportive is making sure he has no impediment from you to carrying out his hobbies, not being part of them.
Also, hyper-focus like you describe is something I am acutely aware of and can suggest neurodivergence. In my case, an adult diagnosis of autism/ADHD. It may not be – but worth thinking about – for me it helped me understand my hyper-focus and also start to see my ‘current focus’ from the perspective of others.” seriousrikk
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
You don’t always have to be involved in your partner’s interests. It’s one thing if you’re never involved but needing a break from something you don’t find interesting is normal. His being upset by it is understandable if he’s used to you being supportive, but he shouldn’t be using the ‘I did this for you, now you do this for me’.
It’s not a healthy thing to do and say in a relationship. Out of my expertise.” ratakat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
At all. Your partner is wonderfully passionate about things they enjoy. Good for them.
But you DO NOT need to engage in everything they enjoy to care about them.
You helped them out. They get to do their thing and NO you don’t have to literally watch clown school videos for hours. NO a hobby, while important, is not a long-term necessary career step. If you attended grad school for kicks that would be one thing, but I’m guessing it was necessary for your career.
Your partner can cool off and accept that your support and love don’t mean doing everything they want with them. They want clown school. By all means. Doesn’t mean you’re enrolling.” JetItTogether
9. WIBTJ If I Don't Want My Cancer-Stricken Ex To Stay With Me?
“For most of our marriage, my husband (39M) and I (37F) had a very happy relationship. We had good jobs, decent money, two kids, and loved each other. Then he got diagnosed with a rare form of cancer and we went through years of painful treatments and recovery together.
We moved to a small house to be close to the research center where he underwent treatment. His parents paid half of the down payment on the house, the other half was from our savings and investments. In the divorce, he gave me the house and took all of his medical debt.
We have been divorced for a year, but now his cancer has come back and he needs treatment again at the same research hospital. He wants to stay in what is now my house while undergoing treatment and his parents expect me to house him and look after him because he was generous in letting me have the house without taking his rightful share from the equity.
When we were married and he was undergoing treatment, it was new stuff that was expensive and also very physically draining on him. We were lucky that both our jobs were supportive and flexible, but with his health issues, little kids, and expenses, we had to downgrade our lifestyle a lot.
That plus the physical changes in his body made him very depressed. Whenever he felt a bit better, he’d go stay in his hometown. It’s a small town where most of his family and a lot of his childhood friends live.
I was doing all the caretaking of him, while also dealing with insurance complications.
I was also managing the kids, the entire household, and my full-time job. We had help from friends and neighbors but it was very hard. I wasn’t happy about him spending his healthy days away from us, but it was good for his mental health so I didn’t feel like I could object.
While he was staying there he reconnected with his high school SO. A couple of years ago he admitted to me that he was sleeping with her and I filed for divorce. He had fully recovered from his cancer by then. There are other aspects around the situation that left me very heartbroken and feeling betrayed. His giving me the house and taking all the debt was an apology of a sort.
His parents feel that I owe him for getting the house and should let him stay there for the 2-3 months his treatment is at the facility. I do want him to be well and I don’t want my kids to lose a loving father.
But I can’t deal with having him around me, especially not if I end up being his nurse and caretaker again. I am still very bitter about how our marriage ended. A lot of people close to me are telling me that I should support him for the sake of my kids.
WIBTJ if I say I can’t do that?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You received the house as part of your divorce settlement. You could have gotten his retirement accounts or something similar instead of the house if there were such assets to be had. Stop thinking of the house as being ‘given’ to you.
It was awarded to you as part of the divorce settlement, not ‘given’ to you as prepayment for future caregiving.
But you getting assets from the divorce doesn’t entitle your lying Ex to free housing, utilities, food, and caregiving. Your Ex and his affair partner can find their own housing near a cancer center.
If it’s important to his parents that your Ex get care and housing, they can figure out how to help provide that. He’s your Ex which means that it’s no longer your responsibility.
‘While I empathize with Ex’s plight, I won’t be housing nor providing care for him.
Due to the circumstances of our divorce, it wouldn’t be appropriate for me to provide those services. At this time, Ex needs the support of his family and close friends more than ever, and I am no longer either of those. I hope that Ex recovers from his illness quickly, and I’ll be praying for him.'” teresajs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
No way. Last time this happened you were married. Now you’re not. Your duty to him is one of a co-parent, not a spouse, which means you just have to keep the relationship between him and the kids front of mind.
This doesn’t extend to you letting him into what is now YOUR home.
Further, when you did take care of him as your wife, he was unfaithful. Who knows what he will do when he is staying with you in the same position but only this time as your ex-husband with really no duty to you?
If his parents are that concerned let them take care of him or at the very least fund that care themselves.” Radiant_Composer_454
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He wants the same dynamic as before, with the added benefit to him that he ‘owes’ you nothing because you are no longer married while benefiting from the fact that many people would feel obligated to look after the sick person staying in their home.
He gave up the house because he’s a jerk who was unfaithful to his wife who sacrificed and stood by him while he was sick. His parents may have helped pay for the house, but he is the one who gave it away.
You aren’t part of his support network anymore.
It sucks that he’s sick again, but that is not your problem, and you have no obligation or moral responsibility to help him in any way. He’s on his own this time and it’s his own fault.” Natural_Garbage7674
8. AITJ For Keeping My Pet Chicken?
“I’ve always loved animals, and a few months ago I decided to get a pet chicken.
I named her Lucy, and she quickly became the sweetest little creature. She follows me around the house and garden, and I love having her around.
My neighbor, however, is not so thrilled. She has complained several times that Lucy’s presence makes her uncomfortable. She says she finds the sight of a chicken in my garden unsettling, and she doesn’t like the sound of her clucking.
I tried to be understanding at first. I made sure to keep Lucy in a coop during the night, and I even offered to bring her inside during the day when my neighbor was around. But she still seemed unhappy, and eventually, she told me that she thought it was ‘unhygienic’ to have a chicken in a residential area.
I was taken aback by this, and I tried to explain that Lucy was perfectly clean and well-cared for. I also pointed out that several of our other neighbors have pets, including dogs and cats, which can be just as messy as a chicken. But my neighbor was still insistent that Lucy needed to go.
I don’t want to get rid of Lucy, but I also don’t want to cause any problems with my neighbor. AITJ for keeping my pet chicken even though it makes her uncomfortable?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What world do we live in where neighbors think they can dictate what other grown adults do in their own homes and yards?
Your neighbors do NOT get a say in the animals you keep as pets as long as you’re not breaking any local laws. She can go get stuffed. I would refuse to even discuss the situation with her anymore. I’d get two or three more just to spite her since they are social animals anyway and provide eggs.
Tell your neighbor to mind their own business. If they don’t like your chicken they don’t have to look at it. They can NOT tell you what animals you can and can’t have. Only the local laws matter. Follow them and ignore your busybody neighbor.
Maybe install a privacy fence between the two yards so they will leave you alone.” depressivedarling
Another User Comments:
“NTJ as long as you’re allowed to have Lucy. Your neighbor just needs to mind her own business. If her seeing a chicken upsets her, well, she can just stop looking in your backyard.
Don’t stress trying to please your neighbor, she is complaining for no reason than being vaguely uncomfortable, and that’s not a good enough reason to rehome a family pet. Like, the lady legit has no real reason to complain and is grasping at straws.
Pick something random in her yard, tell her it makes you feel weird and she should remove said item… see how she feels about people telling her what she can and cannot do in her yard.” Incarcer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Wish I could have chickens where I live but alas I have to wait until we move. Your neighbor can feel any way she wants about your yard bird but she doesn’t get to tell you to get rid of it.
It sounds like you have a well-behaved chicken and not a feathered demon like my grandpa did. As long as you’re not breaking any laws by having her you are well within your rights to have a sweet bird to hang out with.” TypicalAd3575
7. AITJ For Giving My Partner's Daughter "The Talk"?
“I recently moved in with my partner after being together for five years, our relationship has been quite slow in progress with both of us having hang-ups from past relationships that meant we didn’t want to rush into anything.
He has a 14-year-old daughter from a previous relationship where they had a kid way too young but despite that relationship falling apart when his daughter was only 2 he’s always done his best to be there for her and he and his ex have her on alternating weeks.
I’m really fond of his daughter and over the five years I’ve been with him have gotten to know her a lot, I wouldn’t say I’m a mother figure in her life as that would step on her mother’s toes but we’re for sure close.
Now that I’ve moved in and gotten settled I took her aside one day she was over to show her where I was keeping my sanitary products and told her if she’s ever running low or has an emergency she can help herself and if she has a specific type or brand she likes to let me know and I’ll keep that stocked too.
I’ve been there at that age and I’m well aware accidents happen.
She had no idea what these were and was so confused and didn’t get what I was talking about and I swear I felt sick to realize at her age she didn’t know what they were.
It’s not strange to not have a cycle at her age though a bit uncommon but to be totally clueless? I ended up giving her a brief talk explaining the menstrual cycle to her, why it would happen, and how she’ll likely get it sooner rather than later.
I then ended up speaking to my partner in private telling him what had happened and how she had no clue about any of this and he was confused by this having left it to her Mother and school to teach that. He ended up calling her to demand to know what was going on and why she had no clue about this.
He and his ex ended up fighting about this as apparently, she felt there was no need for her to know any of this before she had to as she was of the opinion that it’d keep her from making the same mistakes they did and had even gotten her excused from the lessons in school.
She was mad that I’d done this as it wasn’t my place and she demanded their daughter come home as she didn’t want her around me now but my partner made it clear that wasn’t happening as his week is part of their custody arrangement.
He has defended me on this fiercely and is very angry that his ex has done this and at her insults towards me for telling their daughter this. Maybe I could have helped avoid this situation by just telling my partner that she had no clue about any of this and leaving it to him to handle and hoping things wouldn’t be as bad as they ended up.
I was just so shocked at the moment that I ended up telling her this without thinking as at her age it’s something she should know and I feel close to her. I just worry that maybe I am in the wrong for doing what I did?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like the ex is of the opinion that avoiding all mention of the reproductive system will stop the daughter from sleeping around too young. Which I think we can all agree is stupid and tends to just make it unsafe when it actually does happen (whether too young or not).
Plus periods are nothing to do with that, it was important for her to be aware of what would one day happen to her body and how to deal with it. Rather than it happening and her wondering what is going on and being scared and wondering who to talk to and, more importantly, how to talk to them.” JCaerso92
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for several reasons… The reality is that the daughter is going to need to know this information in the coming days, and you were a kind and empathetic voice explaining the situation to her. It isn’t strange that you figured she might’ve already needed feminine products, and it is a great gesture to offer to keep what she needs to be stocked.
Also, it’s admirable that you’re being cognizant of the biological mother, but you are in the family dynamic as a partner of the father. He apparently figured that the topic of feminine hygiene would be covered by a maternal figure with firsthand experience, but it seems like his assumption would’ve led to disregard of the issue.
His daughter could’ve been caught in an embarrassing or vulnerable situation if not for your conversation with her. He is validating your decision to step in and educate his daughter by defending you, and that is huge.
You don’t have to be the mother to have a good maternal influence.
It seems like the dad has your back in this decision to deliver vital information to his daughter. I’m sure he’s glad a kind female voice was there to help his child in an area he hasn’t lived. The mother’s gripes are her own to deal with, but good on you for helping and making an effort to be part of that family.” Aufseher0692
Another User Comments:
“Big fat obvious NTJ. You did the right thing, she deserves to know what is going to happen to her body so she won’t be freaked out when the time comes.
Also, mom not telling her daughter takes away the choice for her to progress into womanhood as she would like it.
Not everyone wants to share their ‘moment’ with their parents. Obviously, they may find out, but not everyone wants to share that intimate detail with their parents when it happens. And I may be going off in the deep end here, but I think mom is so afraid of her daughter possibly having a teen pregnancy, so she wants to be in control as much as possible.
She may not have told her daughter as she thinks it’ll force her hand in having to ask what’s going on when she’s bleeding which will give mom peace of mind that she at least gets to know when her daughter has started menstruating.” Draznyaa
6. AITJ For Skipping Study Group Because Of A Kid?
“I’m (20f) a student at a community college. I have math 3 days a week and after class, a group of us grabs lunch and coffee and sits down in the library to do homework together. Honestly, it’s just as much a social thing as it is academic and it’s a lot of fun.
A month into the semester, a 10-year-old girl joined the class. She’s a genius and apparently high school math was too easy for her so she’s taking math and biology here. As smart as she is, she’s still a little kid. She has a princess backpack and lunchbox and her backpack has more toys than books.
Her nanny was constantly late to pick her up and she can’t check herself into the campus daycare so someone invited her to join the study group. I’m not a kid person. Being in the same class as one is weird enough but I’m not going to get coffee (or in her case, a juice box) and hang out with one.
I went to study group when she was there once and it was just weird. The whole mood is different. She joins the group on Mondays and Wednesdays so I said that I have to work early on those days and do homework at home.
Then on Fridays, I joined the group and it was like the baby genius doesn’t exist.
Then on Friday, she asked if she could join us. Her nanny called in sick so she had to wait on campus until her mom could pick her up.
The group said yes so I started to leave. Someone asked where I was going so I said I got called in to work early. Well, that made them figure it out and I got texts from half the group asking if I’m seriously skipping the group because there was a kid there and all calling me immature and saying I hurt baby Genius’s feelings by not wanting to go to the group when she’s there.
I told my mom about it and she agrees that it’s stupid and immature to miss study group just because there’s a kid there. AITJ for skipping the group?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
If you’re not keen on hanging out with the kid, I don’t see anything wrong with you choosing to do something else.
You haven’t actively tried to exclude her from the group, or complained to your friends; you’ve identified a situation you’re not comfortable with and separated yourself from it rather than putting the onus for dealing with it on everyone else in the group. That sounds fairly mature to me.
You may have hurt the kid’s feelings, but she’s 10 so she’s not emotionally prepared to process why you’re not coming around. It would not make sense to me that a stranger’s lack of maturity should dictate where you set your boundaries.
As to your friends and your mom, they obviously don’t agree with you stepping away, and think your behavior is unnecessarily exclusionary and harmful.
On this point, I honestly sort of agree. Your discomfort is a you-issue, and stepping away from a work/social group because you can’t handle being around a 10-year-old is in my mind a little silly.
However, that’s just my opinion, and perhaps the opinion of your friends and family.
While I think there’s nothing wrong with them having and expressing those views, there’s equally nothing wrong with you having your own and having boundaries based on your own comfort rather than the comfort of others.” Narkareth
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You don’t like kids, and that’s fine.
You’re telling your feelings about the kid to a neutral 3rd party that does not know the kid and will never interact with her, us. I don’t mind the comments.
As long as you don’t make those comments to the kid or those that know her, then I feel you’re good.
You’re handling the situation as best as you can. You remove yourself from the situation. You don’t demand that a little kid goes somewhere else, so you’re not inconvenienced.
You understand that while the situation sucks for you, the kid had limited options and has chosen to go to this group of adults that she trusts and you remove yourself to give her that.
I respect that.” Meh_person90
Another User Comments:
“School-age kids taking a class at community college is common enough. Ten is unusual, but not unheard of – particularly for math, where kids that get it can bomb through the syllabus very quickly.
It’s clear that most of the group is happy hanging out with the girl after math class.
You don’t want to spend time with her. You’re not obliged to like everyone, and if you don’t like this girl (or children in general), and so don’t want to study with her, I suppose that’s OK.
Getting up and leaving when she asked to join the group was pretty obvious and pointed, though, and that makes you the jerk here.
YTJ.” _mmiggs_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you don’t owe anyone your time, and you didn’t tell anyone your reasons, they figured it out. That may have been inevitable but frankly – it’s very odd that any of you were put in this situation.
If the college is able to accommodate her educationally then they should be able to do something to provide adequate supervision and not have random students provide that labor (however easy it may be). If she was hurt or worse while in the study group, all of you would potentially be liable.
I wouldn’t want that. If I’m responsible for the well-being of a child that’s not mine, I’m getting paid.” Rfg711
5. AITJ For Not Paying My Share Of The Uber Cost?
“I (24F) was invited to an event with three of my friends recently. My house was the closest to the event and they all wanted to do pres so I offered my place, so the Uber there would be cheaper.
I bought ingredients for a huge cheese platter for us all to share, and the evening started out really fun.
After the event, my partner came to pick me up (this wasn’t originally planned) and they asked if he could also bring them back which my partner agreed to.
That night, after I was home, one of the friends that paid for the Uber there asked if I could send through $10 for my share.
Probably worth noting that the other people in the Uber were not paying their share because one was in a relationship with him and the other bought him a drink.
I assumed the next day they would realize that my partner coming to pick us up saved them $100+ Uber trip, plus I had fed them and allowed them to do pres at mine beforehand (which yes, worked out for everybody but was ultimately a lot cheaper for them too) and would let it go.
They followed me up for the $10 to which I responded explaining that since I arranged their lift home etc that would cover my portion of the Uber plus some.
They responded extremely angrily, calling me horrible names and telling me that they would never do me any favors moving forward.
I was really shocked at their reaction. I didn’t think they would react like that at all and honestly thought they were joking because it was only $10. If they had said that they disagreed with me or were really strapped for cash, I would have paid it as I don’t believe it’s worth ruining a relationship over.
However, now that they’ve been so aggressive and rude towards me, I’m not sure I want to be friends with them anymore but feel this will cause issues in our larger friendship group.
If I am the jerk, I will accept that and pay the $10.
Probably won’t be friends with them moving forward (considering how he spoke to me), but for my peace of mind, I would like to do the right thing.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You should send them a bill for their portion of the food you gave them, your partner’s gas, and an hourly rate to rent your house space.
Double down on petty and then still stop being friends. You don’t owe a dime.
I would also point out that they turned this into a transactional relationship. You were clearly being a good friend and shared both food and logistics. They are the ones that decided to be cheap when it was their turn to reciprocate and suddenly realize things cost money when they had to pay.” Incarcer
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
The events are discrete. Cab fairs are split. What happened with the other person doesn’t matter. You got in an Uber with someone, you should pay for your portion of the Uber.
Letting people use your house is not a service.
If you wanted people to pay for the cheese platter you could ask for funds for the cheese platter. In fact, by not paying for the Uber you are essentially making them pay for the cheese platter.
If your partner wants gas money they can ask for gas money.
You got in the Uber, pay for the Uber.” GWeb1920
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You reacted the same way I would have. You helped this group save money not only by hosting but also by providing a ride back. Your reasoning about if they had said they disagreed you would’ve paid them because it’s not worth ruining a friendship, shows that you didn’t intend this to be a big issue.
It’s your friend who chose to react this way and is someone I would not want as a friend after they chose to escalate. It’s also not fair to only ask you to help cover the costs of Uber.
I am curious though, with the other people not paying their share are they now expecting you to pay half the cost of the Uber, or was the Uber-like $40 and so split amongst 4 people they believe you owe $10?” Throwaway_mc4
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You shared the Uber, so you owe them your share of the cost. You cannot unilaterally decide that ‘we had drinks at my house first, you owe me for that’ or ‘I got us a lift home, that covers my share’ as they were your choices to make.
They might have had an alternative way home planned, or not wanted to spend money on snacks beforehand so expecting payment is unfair.
Equally, while you cannot expect them to pay you back for what you did, realistically this would be fair and that is exactly what they should be doing without needing to be asked.” nrsys
4. AITJ For Not Wanting To Name Our Baby Boy After My Partner?
“My partner and I already have a daughter together and I let him name her. He didn’t want to compromise on a name that we would both agree on so I said I wanted to give her a middle name. He also said no to that.
If I want to give her a middle name he’d rather not have anything to do with naming her. I ended up feeling bad and letting him name her. He ended up naming her Shelby because he loves Mustangs. I love her name now.
It fits.
He’s now telling me that he deserves a Jr. If we have a boy he wants to name him Jose. I’m not saying that he doesn’t deserve a Jr., he’s a great dad and a great person but I would love to name just ONE of my children.
I don’t plan on having more just so I can have the chance to name one. I know it’s just a name and it shouldn’t be such a big deal but to me it is. He’s really upset and doesn’t understand why it means so much for me to be able to name one of my children when he deserves it.
Why I won’t go back on this. Having a boy isn’t even promised but it’s definitely a conversation we’ve had a few times. AITJ for not wanting my partner to have a jr because I want to name the baby?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
And your partner is not a good person. In fact, I wouldn’t even call him your partner, because he clearly doesn’t believe in equality. Or respecting you. And he is gaslighting you – trying to make it seem like you’re the one who is stubborn and at fault and everything would totally be fine if you just gave in; meanwhile, he is the one that is demanding to entirely name the second kid (and that too a junior, which is just gross).
Where do your feelings and opinions matter? It’s as if you are just a childbearing vessel for him, and all the hard work you put into getting pregnant, having the child, and going through labor means nothing. This guy sits back and does nothing for 40 weeks, and then gets to unilaterally name your child?
Honestly, you should reconsider heavily having another child with this man.” TA_totellornottotell
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I think it is troubling that with all the red flags around his insistence, you don’t get a say in naming the first baby, you decided to have another child with this man.
The man who it appears believes you have contributed nothing to the existence of these children and therefore your wishes about naming them are irrelevant.
I am wondering if you’ve been thoroughly gaslighted into believing he is a great dad and person because he tells you this so often.
Generally speaking, two people are involved in deciding to have a child, the making of said child, and the rearing of said child. His insistence in the naming of both babies and the reasons he has stated that bestow upon him the right to be the sole decision maker of this process are concerning.
You are entitled to have a say in the naming of YOUR child. If he refuses to negotiate this with you I’d be reconsidering my entire relationship with him.” Several-Ant-8701
Another User Comments:
“If you are arguing so much about a hypothetical child you probably should not have another one – Yes it is reasonable for you to want to name your child.
Yes, it is reasonable for a dad to want a Jr. but if that was never in the discussion from the beginning about you having children together, that ‘card’ is moot. So it comes down to ‘fairness’. He named the first, you should pick the name of the second.
Marriage should be mutual respect and honor, and he certainly is not doing that for you.
If he said to you, Babe I know I got to name our beautiful girl Shelby, you can name our second one. You could totally be the rock star wife and CHOOSE Jose.
But the fact he is being so overbearing about it, why would you? I hope he respects you more, but maybe he is just being short-sighted and not intentionally cruel. NTJ.” musiesaidso
3. AITJ For Kicking My Sister Out For Not Having Boundaries?
“My sister, who we’ll call ‘Liz’, had just broken up with her partner of three years and was looking for a place to stay.
She had been living with him for the duration of their relationship, and now she was left without a home.
Liz had always been a bit of a free spirit. She didn’t like to be tied down, and she had always been the type to go where the wind took her.
I, on the other hand, was much more grounded. I had a steady job, a house, and a routine. We were very different people, but we had always been close.
When Liz called me to tell me what had happened with her partner, I could tell that she was upset.
I offered to let her stay with me until she found a new place to live. I thought it was a simple solution, and I didn’t think it would be a big deal. I was wrong.
As soon as I told Liz that she could stay with me, she started making plans.
She told all of her friends that she was moving in with me and started packing up her things. I didn’t realize how serious she was until she showed up on my doorstep with all of her belongings in tow.
At first, everything was fine.
Liz was grateful for my help, and we spent a lot of time catching up. However, as the days went on, I started to realize that having Liz living with me was going to be more difficult than I had anticipated.
For one thing, Liz had no sense of boundaries.
She would go through my things without asking and would eat my food without permission. I tried to talk to her about it, but she would always say that we were family and that it was okay.
Another issue was that Liz had no job and no money.
She had always been a bit of a free spirit, but I had never realized how little she had planned for her future. She would spend all day lounging around the house, watching TV, and using my internet. I knew that I couldn’t support her forever, but I didn’t know how to bring it up without causing a fight.
The final straw came when Liz started bringing men over to my house. She had always been a bit of a flirt, but I was shocked when I realized that she was using my home as a hookup spot. I tried to talk to her about it, but she brushed me off and said that I was being uptight.
It was at that point that I realized that I couldn’t have Liz living with me anymore. I told her that she needed to find a new place to live, and she was furious. She accused me of being selfish and heartless, and she said that I had no idea what it was like to be in her position.
We argued for hours, and in the end, Liz stormed out of my house and didn’t speak to me for weeks. I was heartbroken that my decision had caused such a huge rift in our relationship, but I knew that it was the right thing to do.
In the weeks that followed, I heard from other members of my family who were furious with me. They said I was being selfish, but was I truly the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The only thing you should have done better is be clearer about this being temporary and the necessity of her making a consistent effort to get a job and find her own place.
You should’ve also been more firm and assertive regarding her behavior.
Of course she is a jerk and she did take advantage of you but some people trying to do that is inevitable so you have a responsibility to yourself and others to be assertive about your desires and to set clear boundaries and expectations which you enforce.
Doing that is even more generous and kind than just being a doormat, it’s certainly more beneficial for them in the long run even if they don’t appreciate it.” Jackal311
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can be a free spirit but that has consequences.
And bringing random men back to the house someone is letting you live in for free crosses so many boundaries unless you have explicit consent to do so. She put you at risk. You offered her a safe place and she unilaterally decided it was her new, free permanent home.
Tell the people complaining to you that as they are so sympathetic to her, she can stay with them and watch them backpedal. You didn’t kill the relationship. She did by taking advantage of you as an ATM and roof.” Timely_Egg_6827
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. HARD NTJ.
Tell all the flying monkeys that you will pass on their address and information to your sister.
Thank them for helping her with a place to stay, the food she is going to eat up, and lounging around their house doing nothing with NO PLANS for her future.
Tell them you will ship her belongings to them and forward her mail.
Then inform them ALL that it is NOT your responsibility to take care of and raise another grown woman who didn’t prepare herself properly for being an adult.
You offered your help and hospitality for her to get on her feet and take care of business.
She threw your help in your face by disrespecting your house.
All the while showing you how unappreciative she is by not being grateful and thankful that she was not sleeping on the streets.
Block them all and move on.” SuperHuckleberry125
2. AITJ For Asking My Wife To Get A Driver's License?
“Partner has never been into driving. Prefers public transport. However both our families live in the suburbs and there are numerous times when we have to rent a car and drive around a lot.
We also drove an 8-hour trip twice. There are times when we rent a car while traveling. There are times when either she or my family relies on a driver or needs one. We move often so there’s a need for a driver there.
There are also numerous times when I’ve had to drop her off at the gym.
Every time I try to bring this up casually, it ends up escalating.
What I try to explain is that if she’s not driving, there’s someone that has to pick up her weight.
But she doesn’t see it that way and claims ‘I never ask anyone to drive me, they offer’. This is true, but when I’m a driver and the distance takes 1 hour to cover by public transit vs a 15-20 minute drive: it just doesn’t make sense to me for her to take transit.
I’d like for her to see the importance of learning how to drive. Brought it up recently and she just said she would like help. However, she’s not proposing any way for me to help. And doesn’t even feel like she’s genuine in her ask for help.
She’s just doing it ‘for me’ which I hate that this is how she sees things given all the above.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Why doesn’t she want to drive? Fear and convenience, doesn’t see the point if she wouldn’t have access to a car.
Most of what you speak about aren’t day-to-day things and non-drivers don’t really understand how stressful long-distance driving can be.
So try and find out what is stopping her. You’re not wrong to want her to but she’s also not wrong not to want to do something that has little day-to-day impact on her.
Most of what you want help with would be stressful for a new driver – long-distance, out-of-area driving. She’d need a fair bit of driving experience to be comfortable doing that.
Offer driving lessons. Consider whether she can have a car of her own. At the moment, all the benefits of her driving are for you.” Timely_Egg_6827
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you have had to drive for 8hrs twice in seven years? Muffin.
Driving should be considered something you opt-in to, not out of. It is dangerous if done poorly, and very expensive.
If you don’t want to drive everywhere when you go on trips then you two need to plan your trips around walking, biking, or public transit instead.
If someone else in the family needs a driver it’s not her responsibility to earn and maintain a license to be available to them any more than you are responsible for earning and maintaining a plumber’s license in case one of their pipes springs a leak.
When you move, hire movers or bribe a friend with pizza like everyone else.
I’m the only person in my household of 4 adults who has a license. The driving I do is factored into our division of chores and finances. Does it mean I drive people around in crappy weather and at annoying times?
Sure. But it also means I do fewer dishes.
You’re not hard done by because sometimes you drop your wife, the woman you love and chose to spend your life with, off at the gym. Are you going to sit here and tell me she never does anything for you?
That there aren’t chores or duties you slack on that she takes care of?
If you hate driving this much then maybe you need to stop renting cars and start biking or taking public transit – both of which have their pros and cons, and stop whining at your wife about choices you have made.” Wrong-Construction40
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
At some point, you are either going to let her take public transportation so she can decide to make up her mind on getting a driving license, or you keep on being her chauffeur. If you cave in every time to drive her someplace, then she won’t have a real need to get licensed. If she has to start fending for herself, then she will continue to take public transport or she will actually want to drive herself.
You do her a favor, so she doesn’t spend extra time on public transport. With that said you spend how much extra time taking her to and from places? Your time is just as important as hers. While you are doing something sweet it is costing you more than gas – it’s also costing time.
Time is precious and once it has passed you never get it back.” Dry_Dragonfruit_4191
Another User Comments:
“I would say YTJ. It seems that the perceived inconvenience for yourself is for ‘having’ to spend time doing something that not only do you not actually have to do, but have not actually been asked to do, and doesn’t seem to bother her when you don’t do it.
It just seems like manufactured offense taken to her choices. She could reasonably assume that if you are offering to drive her places, it is because you want to spend that time with her.
As an adult, I have driven approximately 300k miles in 15 years – some professionally but the majority just commuting.
I would happily trade my current 20 minutes driving to work for an hour riding a train or bus or something whether my time was mine. And not having to be acutely aware at all times that I can’t actually expect people to obey the rules and attempting to do so could cause major injury or death at a moment’s notice.
Driving can be very stressful, and although necessary for me currently because of a lack of transit options near my place of employment, that stress radiates throughout my day. I don’t wish it on anyone that doesn’t want to or have to deal with it.” GelatinousPolyhedron
1. AITJ For Not Punishing My Daughter Who Ripped Her Brother's Book?
“I (37M) am divorced, I get the kids 40% of the time, and the rest of the time is with my ex-wife. We had a bad parenting life at the beginning, so we came up with some rules to make it easier. One of the rules is if something happens on your watch, you pick the punishment or if you will punish them at all.
So if my daughter was being rude and I grounded her, she would be grounded at my place only and her mother can’t punish her a second time. The only time we would do a punishment that goes to both places is if it was a big deal like she got caught stealing or something (this has not happened).
Anyways my daughter (Shelly, 10) had a bad day at school and was frustrated in her room. She asked to be left alone, so I left her alone. I told her brother Mike (11) to leave his sister alone today also. Mike, if he wants to do something, will do it.
He is not good with boundaries. He is okay with friends but doesn’t get that family has boundaries as well. We are working on it.
Mike went into Shelly’s room to talk to her about the new comic series he started. Shelly told him to get out, it turned into an argument since he wouldn’t leave.
By the time I got there, Shelly grabbed the comic and threw it out into the hallway. The comic got ripped in the process.
I talked to both kids, Mike about respecting people’s rooms and Shelly about not damaging people’s things. I didn’t punish either of them and we got some tape for the comic.
I got a call today from my ex calling me a jerk and that I should have punished Shelly. She grounded Shelly which goes against our rule and now everyone is upset.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Tell your ex there’s something bigger going on here.
Your son seems to think that when he hears a girl his age say ‘no’, it means ‘keep asking til I get a yes’. And your daughter seems to understand that she cannot have privacy or her own autonomy without physically defending herself (in that she couldn’t use her words, ask him to leave, and he left. She had to resort to throwing his comic).
Neither is great, and neither is good in the long run. Both of you need to back up both kids in the process of setting their behavior right.” otsukaren_613
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You should have reasonably grounded BOTH children. Mike for not respecting Shelly’s boundaries and leaving her be when she needed the space to explore her emotions, and Shelly for acting out in frustration when you didn’t remove Mike from the get-go.
Mike is 11, and he should know by now not to go into someone else’s space without their consent. Period. He can knock and ask if she’s able to have company, but entering was a no-go.
If Mike cannot make sound judgments, then you as his parent need to make them for him, and remove him when he crosses the boundaries he’s been given.
That might literally mean physically removing him from the room. You should have done this the minute he refused to leave. And then scolded him appropriately for not respecting boundaries and giving his sister space. Had you done this, he wouldn’t have had his comic ripped.
See how none of this would have happened if you were teaching your son to actually respect boundaries by enforcing them? Sometimes you have to put a literal boundary in place (Like a lock on the door or physically remove them from an area) for them to get the hint.
Why was Shelly grounded but not Mike? Mike was the main instigator in this case, so why wasn’t he equally punished by your ex-wife? Your son was given a boundary (IE: Your daughter was upset and wanted some space to deal with her emotions, and so you asked him to leave her be for the time being, which he did not).
Your daughter was not unreasonable for asking for space when she’s upset, but as you stated, it wasn’t reasonable for her to destroy his comic either.
Had you grounded them both, the ball would have been in your court, and also it prevents your children from triangulating you and your ex-wife to supersede punishment.
Your son likely gave a narrative that got him out of punishment himself, and now he also got your ex-wife upset because he had the physical proof of the torn comic and Shelly had nothing.
In reality, though, you and your ex-wife need to learn to actually work together, because clearly, the previous rules were not fool-proof.
You both need to grow up and work together. It sucks, but it’s the reality of the situation, otherwise, your children will find ways to work around you both and then they can get out of punishments or respecting boundaries. You cannot be good parents to your children if you cannot lead by example – that means respecting boundaries, being able to communicate, and knowing when to enforce rules and where.
That means also using those rules. because you refused to punish both children (and Mike more so than Shelly in this case), you left it up to your ex-wife because she now feels she must ‘rectify’ the situation to correct for bad behavior – but she wasn’t there, and didn’t see what happened and any one of your children could re-write the narrative to get the other in trouble.
That’s why I say YTJ. You are needlessly hurting your children by not taking responsibility during your parenting time, both in that your daughter can have her boundaries disrespected and can disrespect her brother’s things and that you let your son get away with disrespecting her boundaries and should expect that any retaliation will be taken care of unjustly by his mother.
It’s no wonder he has no boundaries!” Snoo_68114
