People Want Us To Become Judges By Disclosing Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
18. AITJ For Not Inviting My Nephew To My Son's Birthday Party?
“My son’s fifth birthday party is coming up. I invited almost every child in my family that was around his age, except for my nephew. My brother and his wife openly allow their son to use curse words because they don’t want to ‘censor his vocabulary.’ How they raise him is none of my business, but I don’t want my son to be potentially influenced by theirs.
I know other members of the family feel the same way, and I also invited friends who I know wouldn’t want their child to be around another child who uses profanity. So for that reason, I didn’t invite him.
My brother’s wife confronted me about it.
She says I’m being a ‘bully’ by specifically excluding her son, and he deserves to come because I invited the whole family. I even tried to make a compromise, I told her he could come if she promised he wouldn’t use any curse words at the party.
She said it was ridiculous for me to expect her to ‘censor’ his vocabulary. I feel like I have the right to decide who I do and who I don’t want my child to be around, but I also feel like I might be in the wrong because I am specifically excluding my nephew.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She has a right not to censor his language, but that doesn’t mean that you have to invite that kind of language into your home or accept it to impact your parenting. She doesn’t want to budge even a tiny bit on her ideals but expects everyone to adjust their morals for her.
She’s a jerk. I also don’t believe in censorship, but I strongly believe that there’s a time and place for everything and that there’s such a thing as age-appropriate language.” AffectionateHand2206
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – not your circus, not your monkeys
You can always send her a link to this sub to save yourself from repeating yourself.
These parents should expect their child to be rejected over and over again because people won’t want him around. Good luck with his future anger management issues when he doesn’t understand why the people who ‘love’ him set him up for exclusion and failure. They’re sabotaging their child’s future success.
The censorship claim is laughable.” HunterIllustrious846
Another User Comments:
“First off no 5-year-old old should be cursing. This is bad parenting and this kid will more than likely grow up to be a jerk.
Secondly, his parents need to learn that actions have consequences. You gave a fantastic compromise that he can attend as long as he behaves himself and act accordingly.
Yes, we have the 1st amendment however that doesn’t mean there are no consequences for using it. All it means is that the government cannot through you in jail for making fun of the president. If you display poor judgment in your language which a 5yr old would definitely do, then you face the consequences of your actions.
The parents and the nephew are finding out the hardware that actions have consequences.
If they refuse to restrict the child to age-appropriate language then that’s on them when they get excluded. this child doesn’t know any better that curse words have consequences. And he definitely is too young to be using them properly.
Stand your ground.” sousuke42
17. AITJ For Poking Fun At My Sister's Crush On My Fiancé?
“My fiancé and I (32M, 26M) kept our relationship private for a while, including a significant portion of our engagement. There were a multitude of reasons for this: It began as a way to save myself from embarrassment if things went bad. I had gone through a series of break ups the last two years and I didn’t want to have to tell anyone if yet another relationship ended. It was also my first time being with a man.
I wanted to give myself the space to figure myself out and decide on a label before I began telling others, especially my family.
Once things began getting more serious between him and I when I was inviting him home for the holidays, it turned into something of a game between the two of us.
My parents have a rule in their house where significant others aren’t allowed to share a bed unless they’re married. (It’s only lightly enforced and mostly used to teasing me and my siblings when we bring home new guests.) My fiancé and I would pretty blatantly act like a couple in front of everyone – sans any real PDA – to see if anyone ever called us out.
No one did, although I’m sure my parents clued into what was going on pretty quickly.
The only person who I don’t think caught on was my sister. She (27F) told me pretty early on in meeting Fiancé that he was incredibly handsome. I could tell from the way she was acting around him that she had a crush on him.
It turned into another one of us our silly holiday games to poke a little fun at the situation. That went out the window when, over Thanksgiving this year, she actually got him alone and asked for his phone number. While it was funny because of the sheer ridiculousness of the situation, she took the rejection pretty hard.
He and I have been engaged for about seven months now. While we don’t have specific wedding plans, we know we want to elope sometime in the upcoming spring or summer. Yesterday, we invited my family (and some close friends who already knew about our relationship) around to our home and announced our engagement.
After the announcement, we made a joke about knowing this would probably break my sister’s heart but maybe it would soften the blow to know my fiancé didn’t even play for the same team she did. She left pretty quickly after that and texted me today saying I embarrassed her and that we both owed her an apology, not just for yesterday but for all the years he ‘led her on.’
AITJ?
EDIT: My fiancé never led my sister on. They were never alone together in any meaningful way, so he and I had assumed this was a harmless crush prior to the incident.
For context, weeks had passed between the rejection and our engagement party.
In my mind, that was plenty of time for my sister recovers from the situation because she and my partner weren’t close. They would chat in a group setting at our family gatherings, but it felt like the equivalent of asking out a friend of a friend at a bar and getting turned down – that’s something I’d get over pretty quickly.
But I realize that everyone isn’t me. I handled this situation insensitively. I called my sister today to apologize, and she said that if I had let her in on the joke in advance, it would’ve definitely softened the blow and she would’ve reacted accordingly.
Lesson learned and all is mostly well. He and I are already brainstorming some great Christmas gifts for her as an extra apology.”
Another User Comments:
“Yikes, dude. I get how this felt like a fun secret little joke to you two, but it was actually very mean-spirited and hurtful.
Clearly, it took your sister a lot of time to build up the courage to ask for the number of someone who was presented as a friend of the family—AKA someone she could trust—and was probably humiliated. You further embarrassed her publicly, even when you knew she’d been hurt by it.
The rule of thumb in a situation like this is that your sister has to be the first one to make a joke about it! You owe your sister a private, really heartfelt apology, and so does your fiancé.
YTJ” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Once you realized your sister was interested in your fiancé, you should have stopped things from going further. At that point, you could have let her know of your involvement or your fiancé could have made his disinterest clear before she asked him out.
You didn’t do that.
You were having too much fun and too many laughs at her expense. That was selfish and cruel.
You made things even worse at your engagement announcement when you embarrassed your sister once again – only this time in front of a group of family and friends.
Your actions were petty, nasty, mean-spirited, and lacking in empathy. You should consider how you would feel if the situation were reversed. Your sister deserves an apology. The question is if you are a decent enough of a person to recognize that.” Mermaidtoo
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You have both been complete and utter jerks. Your sister met your ‘friend’ and thought he was attractive – fair enough. She started making it clear that she fancied him. Do you know what you should have done at that point? Told your sister about your relationship.
What did you do? Both you and your partner made fun of her instead. You made fun of her for unintentionally misreading the situation and not picking up the clues. You did indeed string her along – for your own amusement.
And if that wasn’t enough, you had to make fun of her in front of all your family and friends and really humiliate her.
You’ve been an awful brother. The spite and pettiness are unreal. You and your partner should be ashamed of what you’ve done.” Sea_Midnight1411
16. AITJ For Not Agreeing To Let My Husband's Family Stay With Us After I Give Birth?
“I (32 F) am due to give birth to our first child soon (husband 35 M). His family lives internationally and they want to visit within about a month after the baby is born (3 people total). They would be staying with us in our house for a few weeks.
I expressed to my husband that I’m really not comfortable with them coming and staying with us so soon after the baby arrives, and asked if they could instead come in the spring, as we’ll (hopefully) be a bit more settled into our new life/routine with a baby.
None of them speak English and I don’t speak their language so communication is already an issue – having a newborn and the inability to communicate I know will be tough for me and I want to take care of myself during this time.
Plus, we’ll be mostly out of cold and flu season by springtime so the risk of them bringing sickness will be lower, which I think is a valid concern.
This request did not go over well and now my husband is upset with me.
I’ve tried my best to express that mentally and physically, these past 9 months have been so tough and I don’t want to have to host his family so soon after the baby arrives. It’s not like after I give birth I’ll just pop back to my old self and I want to be gentle with myself.
I said if they want to visit so soon after, they can get a hotel/air bnb, as I know I will not feel comfortable so soon after birth hosting them and dealing with a newborn and navigating postpartum recovery. He is saying I don’t understand that this is also his child and it’s tough for him and that his family will be absolutely devastated when he tells them that they should come later.
I’m feeling like absolute crap. That I’m this wicked wife that is making things difficult and coming between my husband, child, and their family. I feel like my feeling is valid so why am I feeling this way? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, absolutely no visitors so soon after a baby is born.
NO.
The baby and you need privacy and time to bond.
The baby needs the ability to experience quiet and peace, you will not be able to be restful and calm.
You need time to recover from the birth to go to your kitchen wearing granny pantries, your hair is in a mess because you are hoping to have 5 minutes to eat ice cream over the sink while your baby sleeps.
You need time to have bonding with your husband and the baby. This isn’t an instant process. It takes time.
His family should know this. For some strange reason, they’ve decided to ignore your needs and focus on theirs. Remind everyone in the family this is your new mother’s time, and you are taking it.
You love them, but you aren’t hosting anyone in your home after giving birth.
It’s stand-up time for you. It’s time to be a mama bear. The answer is NO.” PerkyLurkey
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you established healthy boundaries for your new life at home.
It would be a nightmare with 3 people who don’t speak your language running around the house with a new baby. You obviously understand it’s your husband’s child too – but he doesn’t seem to be clear on the reverse. If his family will be ‘absolutely devastated’ by not coming to stay at the house less than a month after the birth, they will need to figure out a way to get over it.
And finally, yes, it’s cold and flu season, and traveling and close contact should be minimized around a newborn, completely reasonable. Best of Luck and congrats on the baby!” Fouchington
Another User Comments:
“When he is bleeding out his hoo haw after going through birth, having a baby literally feeds off you all while dealing with hormonal fluctuations that will cause you to think you’re going crazy… on barely any sleep while learning to literally be everything for this new little human… Then he can decide when visitors can come for weeks at a time.
Yes the baby is his too, but he is not going to be equal in this – as his body won’t change and cause emotional havoc, he didn’t give birth or be pregnant… he is a dad but he is not on equal footing with you on this journey yet.
When you are healed emotionally and physically when you have a grasp on what the heck you’re doing and how the heck you’re doing it regarding the little one when he is feeding, changing, caring for the baby, and doing household chores as much as you then you are on equal footing… right now you’re vulnerable and he has to defer to your needs as the actual baby grower, birther, and primary caregiver of the baby.
NTJ!” TBdoggies
15. AITJ For Not Attending My Brother-In-Law's Funeral?
“I’m 22 and Kat is 25.
My sister ‘Kat’ married her husband ‘Mark’ when she was 21. My interactions with Mark were always kind, and respectful and it’s obvious they loved each other. He was a bit of a negative influence on her though, and because of this Kat, Mark, and our parents didn’t get along that well.
I’ll be the first one to say my parents were pretty strict growing up, but it was never anything that serious, and they always looked out for our best interests. Kat also used this opportunity to go low contact with our parents, but she and I kept in touch.
Mark passed away recently, and the funeral is next week. It’s a private funeral so only the people invited can come. Kat invited me and I said I’ll be there.
I was talking to mom and she mentioned Kat hadn’t invited them to Mark’s funeral, and they’re hurt but they’re also worried about her.
I was surprised, and I called Kat later. She said she didn’t want mom and dad there, and I replied they just want to look out for her. Kat got pretty mad at me, so I replied I understand she’s in a lot of grief right now, but if she’s going to try to break our family apart, I, unfortunately, won’t be attending.
Kat said I was ‘picking sides’ and ‘she doesn’t want me there anyway if I’m going to be like that’. She didn’t reply to my texts afterward, I’m just sort of caught in the middle but Kat’s angry with me
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You don’t say in what way Mark was a ‘negative influence’ on your sister, but reading between the lines it sounds like your parents were more strict/interfering than your sister deemed reasonable and she and her husband had different boundaries.
She had every right to not include people who she didn’t feel were supportive of her and her marriage.
You had every right to refuse to go when she didn’t invite your parents, but that doesn’t make you not the jerk for refusing to go .” MaggieMae68
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Not only did you fail spectacularly at being supportive in a very difficult time, but your solution was also to shove your parents who your sister already does not get on with in her face.
When she expressed she had no desire to invite them, you shamed her and then punished her by not only withdrawing your presence but any and all emotional support you could have provided.
It is her husband’s funeral. You already stated your parents disapproved of the union, and so vocally she went low contact.
If she wanted to be shamed for having married him at his own funeral, I’m sure she could have invited them personally without a problem.
This is not a wound that can, or needs to be, healed by you. You way overstepped your boundaries.
Also, it begs the question of favoritism.
The way you worded the post makes it sound as though your parents were hard-handed and controlling to your kids and, perhaps, you skipped the brunt of it by being the favorite child. I highly doubt your experience with your parents is anywhere near similar to hers.
You need to reach out and bend over backward apologizing to your sister and making this right. She already lost her husband and has no desire to interact with your awful parents. The last thing she needs is a smaller support group.
Shame on you.” National_Impress_346
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – the funeral is about celebrating Mark’s life and as you said your parents were not supportive of him or involved in their lives. So why would they be invited to attend the private funeral? You were a part of their life and must feel like you are abandoning her now by taking your parents’ side.
If they want to repair their relationship with your sister, they need to respect her wishes and send her their condolences after. After the funeral is the time to start re-building trust and the relationship.” Far-Juggernaut8880
14. AITJ For Not Giving My Concert Ticket To My Cousin-In-Law?
“I (17f) recently got Taylor Swift tickets for her Era’s Tour. Now, as you probably know, it was very difficult to get these tickets and I actually waited 5+ hours in the Ticketmaster queue to get them.
I’ve loved Taylor Swift since I was two years old. My cousin, ‘John’ (29m) recently got married to his wife ‘Jane’ (27f) and I attended the wedding with my parents.
At the wedding, another cousin of mine asked me whether or not I got tickets and I excitedly said yes.
John overheard and pulled me aside and asked me if there was any chance, I’d be willing to give my ticket to his wife as she also tried to get tickets but didn’t manage to get any. I said that I waited a long time to get my ticket and that I didn’t want to give it up because, as he knows, I love Taylor Swift and I’m really excited about going to the concert with my friends.
He seemed disappointed but ultimately walked away. I went back to my table and thought nothing of it.
Then John and Jane had their first dance which was to Taylor Swift’s Lover. At the end of the dance, he got the microphone and told everyone at the wedding that I had so kindly decided to give Jane my Taylor Swift ticket as a wedding gift. Jane started crying and said I was the best cousin ever and that I made her wedding day ten times better.
I stood there in shock, and I asked if I could speak to her in private, but she brushed me off. I tried to talk to John too, but he ignored me.
My whole family kept coming up to me and saying how mature I was for giving my ticket to Jane and how it was the perfect way to welcome her to the family.
I told them that I never said I’d give her my ticket and I was planning on keeping it and going with my friends like I had originally planned. Word got back to John and Jane actually started sobbing and saying that I was selfish for not giving her my ticket and that since I didn’t get her a wedding gift, the least I could do is give her my ticket.
I stood my ground and said that I did not owe her anything. John then said that I’d already seen one of Taylor’s concerts before and that Jane hasn’t so it was only fair that I give her my ticket. I said that I understand that it was really frustrating to wait in that queue only to not get tickets, but it wasn’t my job to make sure that Jane did and that if they were patient, the scalper prices might go down by the show and she might be able to snag tickets then.
John screamed at me to leave and said that I ruined his wedding. Some of my family has been messaging me saying I’m a selfish witch for ruining Jane’s wedding and I should’ve waited until after the wedding to tell her that I wasn’t giving her my ticket.
Others, including my parents, agree that I had no obligation to give up my ticket. I hate conflict though and a part of me wonders whether I should’ve just let her have the ticket.
So am I the jerk?
Update: I told my parents the severity of some of the messages I’ve received from some people on that side of the family, and they’re angry.
They didn’t realize how bad they were until they saw them, and my dad reached out to John and said that he was out of line and that he was disappointed that his own nephew would do something like this to his daughter. My mom told my aunt and uncle that unless I got an apology, their entire branch of the family (which were the main people who were giving me a hard time) would be uninvited to our annual Christmas party we host at our house each year.
John didn’t really say anything back except that he wouldn’t apologize for trying to do right by his wife. Jane, on the other hand, did end up getting tickets for face value. Ticketmaster sent out a way for some fans who didn’t get tickets to be able to request two tickets to the show they were not able to get tickets for.
Jane ended up getting two tickets and posted in on social media with no mention of what happened at the wedding.
I’m hoping since Jane got her tickets, she’s over it now. John is very stubborn and can’t seem to ever admit when he’s wrong so I doubt I can fix that relationship which honestly makes me sad, I really don’t want any bad b***d between us.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. John knows you’re nonconfrontational, he probably thought you’d be too uncomfortable to say no if he announced in front of your whole family that you’d agreed to the gift. He ruined his own wedding by being a manipulative liar. If you’d gone along with it publicly and then declined after the wedding, he’d be telling everyone how manipulative and terrible you were for ‘changing your mind later’ and ‘intentionally upstaging everyone with a dramatic gesture at the wedding that you didn’t intend to follow through on’, that sort of thing.
It would definitely not have been better to wait, nor should you have given in to his strongarm move. Good on you, and good on your parents for backing you up.” VeritatemQuarens
Another User Comments:
“NTJ!
You know who is the jerk? The grown man who thought it necessary to ask his minor cousin to give up tickets that she rightfully purchased on her own and then after getting a no proceeded to publicly announce and lie to make said minor give up her tickets anyway.
And then, after said minor has to be the adult and correct the situation, the alleged grown man screams at the minor and accuses her of ruining the wedding which wouldn’t have been ruined if said alleged grown man would have accepted the no in the first place.
Oh and Jane? I don’t know where you’re from but at least in my family, the minor children are included in the wedding presents given by their parents. Otherwise, I owe my aunt a wedding present back when she married my uncle when I was three months old.
I know that not all families and cultures are the same however I do think that it’s insane to think a minor child, who may not have a job of their own and therefore no disposable salary, owes you a wedding present… and on that note, if OP doesn’t have a job, said tickets were probably purchased with their parents’ money and approval. Pretty sure they wouldn’t be okay with this whole giving tickets away business.” Corgilover243
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Good on your parents for standing up for you and saying you have no obligation to give up a ticket you worked hard to get, because they are correct, and I am so happy you stood your ground and refused. The rest of the family should have scolded your adult cousin for trying to basically steal your experience the second they were informed of what happened.
If your cousin knew how important this event was for his wife, he should have done what you did – waited in line, and did his best to help her get a ticket himself. You are also very young and under no obligation to bring a wedding present so that whole deal is also super strange to me.
Guilt tripping and gaslighting to get you to give up an experience like that is just… Peak trashy behavior.
Your cousin ruined his own wedding by trying to force you into giving up something very special to you, knowing full well you had no intention or desire to give it up after working so hard to get it, looking forward to going with your friends to this concert.
May he step on legos for the rest of his life for the liberties he took in front of all those people?” ButtercreamGanache
13. AITJ For Wanting My Sister And Her Husband To Sign A Lease Agreement With Me?
“My sister and her husband live in Florida. Due to a recent natural disaster there, they are currently homeless.
They have sort of worn out their welcome where they were staying. They have asked if they can move in with me until their home is rebuilt.
I do not really have a problem with this. I have a guest suite over my garage. They are welcome to stay there.
Here is the issue, though. Their insurance is rebuilding their home and providing them with funding for temporary housing. But they want to keep all the money from the insurance. I want to help them but I don’t think that is fair. They do not want to pay anything.
Not even utilities.
They think that since ‘I am family’ I should not just help house them but also pay for their electricity, water, heating, and the Internet.
I told them ‘NO’ and that if they wanted the suite they could rent it. For cost. And that I would expect all of the money from the Insurance company to go into an account that would cover any damage they did while living with me.
I think that is fair. But my parents and her in-laws are bugging me to let them move in without anything to cover my butt. basically, everyone thinks that I am being a greedy jerk for trying not to get screwed.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Not only are you NTJ, but they’re also trying to commit insurance fraud. The insurance company giving them money for a place to live while theirs is repaired is contingent upon them paying for a place to live while theirs is repaired. If they aren’t paying anything and telling the insurance company they are, that’s insurance fraud.
And they’re trying to make you an accomplice.
This isn’t just about avoiding increased utility bills and preventing damage (which are valid concerns in their own right). This is about not being party to criminal acts. Don’t let them move in.
Edit: It is fraud specifically because they are not incurring additional living expenses.
If they were, then it is very possible that the company works to give them X per day regardless of what they spent it on and that wouldn’t be a fraud. But claiming a loss where there is none is fraud.” PepperVL
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And do not be guilted into letting them live with you. I would tell the lot of them that you are only doing this because they are family, otherwise, they wouldn’t be allowed to live in your extra space. You are not their parents, who can afford to cover the extra costs that will be incurred with additional people living in your home so unless one of the complainers wants to cough up some funds or let them move in, they should all butt out.
Finally, insurance is intended to put them back in the same place they were prior to the loss and not a better one, so unless they are willing to pay expenses like they would living in their own home, you may just need to make a phone call.
Also, it isn’t like you are asking to profit from the situation but literally recover costs associated with them living there or potential damage. If there is no damage, well they get to keep the money.” AlbertaDaisy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Wait, they want to lie about buying/renting housing, and pocket the cash from insurance?
I’m pretty sure that’s illegal, and you should tell them that. You are in no way obligated to help them commit insurance fraud. And since insurance is paying for this, it’s not like it’s going to cost them anything in reality.
You also need to sign a lease agreement with them so that ground rules are established in writing, in case conflicts occur later.
Document everything that happens during the move-in process, while they are there, especially whenever money exchanges hands. A lease agreement also gives you legal protection in case you ever need to evict them. And considering that they’ve ‘worn out their welcome’ in other places, it sounds like such a thing might become necessary.
If you can afford to do so, it may be good to consult a lawyer who knows about housing laws and renters’ rights.” ghosts-on-the-ohio
12. AITJ For Not Wanting To Give My Clothes To My Half Sister?
“My (18f) parents divorced ten years ago after my mom had an affair with a family friend.
The result of this is that they now have a nine-year-old daughter, aka my half-sister. Now I won’t lie, I did become quite resentful and bitter toward my mother. She completely tore our family apart and because of her actions, I am permanently traumatized. I still try to treat her with respect though and our relationship has gotten a lot better, but I guess some of the resentment still lingers.
We don’t see each other much, but the other day she suddenly came over to our house while my dad was out, and asked to grab some things from the basement. I followed her there and saw that she was grabbing a bunch of my old clothes to give to my half-sister.
I was quite annoyed about this, because not only did she come by unannounced, she started taking my things without asking. I confronted her and she got irritated and said I wasn’t using them. I told her I would donate them to people who needed them, and that she can ask her husband to buy clothes for their daughter.
This line made her flip out since Id never said anything like this before and she started scolding me, telling me I was selfish and petty, and that I’d always been hateful toward an innocent child. I got pretty mad and we had an argument before I told her I would call my dad if she didn’t leave.
Finally, she got fed up and stormed out, no doubt ranting to her husband all about this.
When my dad came home I told him about this and he said I should have just given her the clothes and there was no need to get angry.
Honestly, this incident brought back some of my past resentment and perhaps I was a bit out of line. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t think the clothing is the actual issue here, but it could just be me reading into it wrong. I think that it was wrong for your mom to come by unannounced, and then take some of your things (even though it’s old clothes, they’re still yours) to give to your half-sister probably set you off a bit.
I think that’s understandable. It might be worth having a discussion with your mom that you have some feelings of resentment towards her and that you don’t feel comfortable with her assuming it’s okay to give her other daughter your things without asking first.
Communication here doesn’t sound very good between all parties, maybe a sit-down discussion would help prevent future issues.
Best of Luck.” Fouchington
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your mom violated your trust once again. She could have asked you if you would like your old clothes to go to your half-sister. Instead, she tried to take them without your consent. She went behind your back.
While not as egregious as her affair, it was nonetheless behind your back. Sorry, your mom isn’t what you deserve.
You get two chances in a mom/daughter relationship should you choose to have children and have a girl. I know you’d be nothing like her.
The mother’s actions are not as innocent as they seem.” ChrisRuss86
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I understand your dad doesn’t want to add more to this chaos over old unused clothes, but your mother needs to understand that she needs to handle things like this with a lot more care, caution, sensitivity, and delicacy.
Taking your old clothes (without even asking) has nothing to do with her kid- it doesn’t benefit said kid, it benefits her parents who don’t have to pay for new ones, the very 2 people you have a problem with and destroyed your family.
It’s cool that you’ve been cordial with them, but they’re stepping over your toes now.
Marching in and taking things to help her and her affair partner, she should have expected that not to go down well. Plus, if you don’t actually treat your half-sister badly, it’s in poor taste to villainize you in this situation.” higaroth
11. AITJ For Spending So Much On A Kid I Don't Know?
“I (28F) have two nieces (8 & 5) from my sister (38F). They’re my only family, but I’ve never been super close to my sister or our mom (63F), so I’m not super close to the kids. Even less so when I moved 6.5 hours away a few years ago, and they live in the same city.
I only see any of them during Christmas, a week over the summer, and one weekend trip close to the girls’ birthdays. They’re good kids, I love them and have fun with them, but we just aren’t that close.
A month ago I asked my sister what the kids wanted for Christmas and she said she was finally relenting on their wish for tablets, but asked if I could get them because both she and mom are tech incompetent, while I’m a software engineer.
So I said cool – got a tablet, headphones, and a large squishamallow for each of them. Got good deals all around, so I only spent $125 on each kid.
The problem came up because I also saw one of those ‘pick a kid off the tree’ charities, where you buy gifts for low-income children.
I had always wanted to participate, and since it’s the first year I’m not a broke grad student, I thought, why not!
Picked a 10-year-old girl who wanted books, science kits, and board games. And I don’t know if it’s just because I’m passionate about girls in STEM or also love reading and board games, but I found myself getting so excited to shop for this kid.
Ended up getting like 20 presents – a mix of board games, science kits, clothes, a skateboard, brain puzzles, a journaling kit, and a bookstore gift card. Took advantage of Thanksgiving deals, and spent about $250 for $350 worth of presents.
Well, we share an Amazon account and I guess they saw all the purchases, assumed it was for my nieces, and called to ask.
When I explained, they were both so upset with me. They said that they aren’t able to get the kids much this year (both teachers), and if I had that kind of money, I should be spending it on family instead of some random kid I will never know.
I hadn’t really thought about the fact that I don’t actually know this kid but retorted that my nieces have three adults buying them gifts, while this kid might only get presents from charity.
We argued in circles, they accused me of being cold / not really loving my nieces and hung up in a huff.
But have been pestering me about it over text for a week now. I feel like I’m missing some unspoken social cues and being punished for doing a nice thing.
Edit: I’ll definitely get my own Amazon account after this. My mom got it years ago, and my sister and I only used it occasionally, until it just kinda grew into a family account.
Same with Netflix and Disney, but those don’t have my credit card info on them…
I’ll still be gifting the tablets to my nieces, they’re blameless in this. It’s just always something with my mom and sister.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You got your nieces what your sister asked you to get plus a little extra and that’s okay.
They’re just trying to get more out of you, don’t give in.
You gave those kids that there is hope and good people in the world, these kids most likely suffer year-round and barely get stuff for their birthdays or any other holidays, they’ll be thankful.
Yet your sister and mum are the greedy ones, I would suggest reminding your sister that they have food on the table and Christmas presents under the tree each year and the charity kids don’t. (Or have sufficiently less).” theeclosetalker
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ at all, you are an amazing human being.
$125 per niece for a higher value gift is perfectly acceptable in the range of niece gifts. However, you should seriously, seriously consider spreading the wealth around that you got for that one girl. There are LOTS of kids on EVERY gift tree who will not get picked and will go without, and the items you ordered could easily pertain to some of the other candidates.
And, it is nice to spoil the family sometimes. Your sister and mom have no right to be upset, $125 is plenty but maybe splurge for the birthday or something. I don’t know. Some people enjoy giving gifts with their money, some enjoy giving back, some enjoy getting themselves extra fun.
Everyone’s different.” Apprehensive-Pack309
Another User Comments:
“NTJ!
You’re not doing anything bad to your nieces. They both got GREAT, expensive gifts and unless your sister and mom have infected them with their entitled attitude they would probably be super happy to share in their good fortune with another kid who doesn’t have a generous aunt.
I’m sorry that the hateful adults are ruining what could have been a great Christmas with their entitlement and jealousy.
Also, one thing I hate is people who pocket-watch. If they want to be so involved in your finances, let them make some of those student loan payments.” Leading_Vehicle_4325
10. AITJ For Not Eating The Salad That My Wife Made?
“My wife (29F) and I (28M) divide up our housework equally. Our collaboration on the division of chores is something that we’ve both been happy with from the beginning.
One of the tasks we’ve agreed on is that I prepare our dinners from Monday to Thursday, she prepares dinner on Fridays and Saturdays, and on Sundays, we either have leftovers, order food or go out.
Last night, she prepared some kebabs, rice, and salad. This specific salad is something that she’s been preparing for us for years, and I love it. I love it to the point that she makes me an extra half portion of the salad every time that she makes it.
The salad is pretty simple, a bunch of bell peppers cut up with quartered cherry tomatoes and crumbled feta cheese. It’s delicious and a salad that both of us enjoy without dressing (generally I don’t like salad dressings, prefer to eat salads raw, and ask not to have salad dressings on the salads that she prepares).
Last night, the salad tasted different to me. I ate about 10% of my salad, and it was tasting very off. I ate a bunch of individual pepper pieces and some individual tomato slices and realized that they weren’t the problem. I found a large, individual chunk of feta and realized immediately that something was off with the feta.
I was raised in a house where we were told to power through bad meals and I have done that a million times and I was prepared to do it this time as well but I just couldn’t.
So, I looked at my wife across the table and asked her if she wanted any of my salad, she was just polishing off her plate and she was full.
Then I asked her if I were to box it all up into three individual containers, and if she would bring them to work for lunch to start her week. She seemed confused and frustrated and an argument ensued.
In the argument, I mentioned that the feta didn’t taste good to me and since she ate her portion of salad I assumed that she would be willing to finish my salad later.
She told me that the feta was fine and that we had just bought it at the market earlier today, I reminded her of how much I loved the salad and that I wouldn’t be saying this if I didn’t taste something off with the salad.
She very directly told me to just put the salad in the strainer to rinse off all of the feta and then eat the rest of the salad. That option didn’t really sound appetizing to me and I had already finished the other parts of the dinner, so I told her that I wasn’t really hungry anymore.
This really seemed to frustrate her, so she told me to just put my plate in the fridge and leave it.
I did as she told me, went to clean myself up in the bathroom, did the dishes, and then went to read in bed for the rest of the night before turning in early.
Whenever we get into arguments we usually give each other space for a few hours and then reconcile but this time was different. It’s now Sunday evening, she has not spoken to me since the dinner argument and has been intentionally ignoring me and giving me the cold shoulder all day.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. But y’all really do need to communicate better.
I can see how your wife would have been put off by you, trying to push the salad on her in multiple ways. When she was too hungry to eat it right, then you then made a suggestion to split it up for her for lunch, so it sort of feels like you were being pushy.
And that probably wasn’t your intention at all. The intention was absolutely probably to not waste the food but from her perspective, I could also see how she felt like you thought the salad wasn’t good and now you’re pushing it off on her.
In your mind, renting the cheese off of it, made it sound unappetizing also so in her mind, it may have sounded unappetizing because of the way you were acting about the salad.
I think ultimately, y’all should’ve just communicated a little bit better.” PanicTechnical
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s not impossible that it was off, it is also not impossible that you are coming down with something that has affected your taste buds so it was less appetizing, or even that you have just gone off it, it really shouldn’t be that big of a deal.
If I make something and my partner doesn’t like it, he just has to tell me that he wasn’t a fan or wasn’t keen, and that is the end of it. If he wants something else he can help himself and if there are leftovers I will either eat them myself or throw them out.
Your wife’s reaction seems very over the top. There may well be more behind it from her perspective, but if there is something else bothering her she should use her words and communicate that to you, rather than giving you the silent treatment.” Sunflower_dream85
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She shouldn’t take it personally. The cheese didn’t have to be ‘bad’ but obviously, it tasted different to you. It wasn’t a personal insult to her that you didn’t like it this one time. I don’t really understand why she felt the need to argue with you about it and get hurt.
If an adult doesn’t like the taste of something, they shouldn’t have to eat it. It’s not about her.
By the way, cheese is one of those foods that taste odd or different as a symptom of multiple medical issues. Not saying there is anything wrong, but just have this possibility in the back of your mind if other odd symptoms crop up.” ParsimoniousSalad
9. AITJ For Not Liking It When Families Show Up Unannounced?
“I (25F) live with my partner of 8 years (25M). We own a house… well it’s in my name but he helps with the bills and stuff so it feels like it’s ours together.
This morning, his dad calls to make sure he’s up and says he’s about to be here at our house to visit.
For context, his dad lives 2 hrs away. This isn’t the first time he’s just shown up unannounced at our house, and I don’t like it. I don’t have a problem with him coming to visit… I just want to know he’s coming so we’ll be prepared, so I can clean up a little bit, etc. I told my partner how I feel every time it happens and I’ve asked him to talk to his dad about giving us a heads-up that he’s coming over but I don’t think he ever does it.
My parents never show up unannounced like that and they only live 5-10 mins away. And technically it’s my house even though I don’t like holding that over his head.
Anyway, his dad gets here and wants to go out to eat and I don’t want to go bc I didn’t have any plans of going anywhere and doing stuff today plus I didn’t have any time to get ready.
Now my partner is mad at me for not going and says I never want to spend time with his family and he thinks I’m avoiding his dad and is overall just being really annoyed. AITJ for being upset about his dad just showing up, or am I just being overdramatic?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and it’s a good idea to have a serious sit down with your partner about this. It is a complete and utter disregard for your boundaries and no good can come from that. Maybe he was used to and ok with people coming over when he lived in his own place but that’s not the case anymore and he has to start respecting that your comfort matters too.
I mean honestly, you just gave a very fair consequence for an unannounced visit even if you didn’t realize that’s what you were doing. If the behavior continues without being addressed it is going to cause resentment and anger towards his family and possibly damage the relationship irreparably.
God help you IF you decide to have kids and this behavior is still happening because that’s a surefire way to blow up a relationship. Good luck OP.” Jovon35
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If your partner had respected your boundary request this would be ‘no jerks here’, but he didn’t.
Different families have different norms. Some are used to the ‘dropping by’ framework and it’s ‘normal’ and they do it and have it done to them and it’s seen as a ‘why wouldn’t you want me to come by?’. Other families need 3-5 business days’ notice to physically, mentally and emotionally prepare.
There are plenty of people somewhere in between.
It sounds like your partner comes from the first family culture where ‘give me notice’ is heard as ‘I don’t really want you here’. You come from the other one, where it’s considered common courtesy to give notice.
You tried to establish a boundary and he didn’t respect it or try to even work with it. Even if he doesn’t understand it, he should still work with it. Neither culture is wrong, but it’s appropriate to match one of the hosts. If someone wants to notice, give them notice.
Maybe talk to him about it in these terms and try to come up with a specific solution (e.g. he asks his dad to call when he’s leaving the house so you have 2 hours to prep, or he calls the night before). And maybe talk to him about arranging actual planned get-togethers with his dad where you all actively invite him at a planned time.” EwokCafe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Sounds like you and your partner have to talk about things. At least the dad called before arriving. Some people don’t even give you that.
Your partner shouldn’t expect you to go hang out at a moment’s notice and embed shouldn’t get mad when you stay behind.
He should know you by now, meaning that you like to make plans in advance. He should also respect that. You shouldn’t worry about cleaning up when his family shows up like that. Cleaning up for his family should be your partner’s job.
Your partner and his family obviously do things differently from how you and your family do, he needs to acknowledge and accept that.
Neither is right nor wrong. Just different.” Ok_Professional_4499
8. AITJ For Taking My Daughter's Side Against Her Argument With My Brother And His Partner?
“I have a daughter, Tory (4). My brother Jason has a partner, Carmen, who has a daughter, Lia (5), with her ex, who does not see Lia. Jason and Carmen have been together 6 months, and don’t live together. I met Carmen first at a dinner when they had been together for 4 months, and the next time I saw her was when she and Jason came to my house with Lia.
Lia and Tory were playing together in my drawing room, I was watching them, and Carmen was in the kitchen with my mother preparing tea. After a while, I heard the girls raising their voices, so I went over to see what happened, only to find Tory tearing up and Lia looking very angry.
I asked the girls what had gone on, and after a fair bit of untangling, I figured out that Lia had told Tory that they were cousins, and Tory had said that they weren’t. This upset Lia who kept trying to make Tory admit she was wrong, which Tory would not do.
Lia kept insisting they were cousins, but Tory said they can’t be because Jason isn’t Lia’s dad. Both girls were demanding I settle the debate, so I just said that no, they aren’t cousins, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be friends, and someday if Jason becomes Lia’s dad, they might be cousins.
Lia immediately burst into tears. I called Carmen back into the room and explained what happened.
Carmen insisted I should have told the girls Lia was right to make her feel validated and part of the family. I argued that I wasn’t going to lie to my daughter to force a narrative.
This was the second time I was meeting Carmen, and the first time the girls met, did she really expect me to gaslight my daughter for the sake of what she told hers?
At this point Lia was inconsolable, so Carmen and Jason left. Jason has since told me he thinks I owe Carmen an apology.
He said even though Tory was right, it would have been easier to spare Lia’s feelings and explain the situation to Tory later. I told him I wasn’t going to lie to my daughter and teach her that you adapt the truth to fit the situation.
I was happy to stand my ground on this until Jason said Carmen is refusing to see the family (our parents sided with me) because of this since she takes it as proof we don’t like her. I don’t think I was the jerk for taking my daughter’s side, but since Carmen is making such a scene, I’m beginning to think maybe this is a bigger deal than I realize and maybe I messed up.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I’d say you handled the situation with the girls beautifully and thoughtfully by reassuring them that they could be friends and didn’t NEED to be cousins, and by adding that they might one day be cousins still. That was lovely!
Carmen, on the other hand, seems to be wearing a full outfit made of red flags.
Your approach was sensible, warm, and thoughtful. Hers is irrational, demanding, and based on telling small children untruths and insisting as an adult on seeing things in exaggerated terms of black and white, and nothing but. Yikes.
Contrary to what Carmen is suggesting, there is a vast world of nuance between calling someone ‘family’ or their children ‘cousins’ when they have been with your brother for a mere 6 months and you’ve only ever met them twice, and ‘not liking them’.
You can like someone very much and even consider them a dear friend… that doesn’t make them your cousin, or sister-in-law, or any sort of family. That she is demanding that her child be literally called by a familial term this fast, and when she’s only been with your brother for a matter of months is worrisome.
It’s not even healthy for her daughter to be teaching her to call people ‘family’ this fast. It skews a young child’s understanding of what family is.
I’m very sorry. This sounds exhausting. But you handled it really kindly, and you are certainly NTJ.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
6 months isn’t long. The children aren’t close. They’ve hardly met.
Lia may desperately want a cousin or a family. She may have been told something about, ‘playing with her cousin.’ Who knows?
Tory knows that Lia is not her cousin.
You know that Tony and Lia are not cousins. Carmen knows that Tory and Lia are not cousins.
It’s not kind to tell Lia that Tory is her cousin, when you, Tory, Jason, and Carmen know that it is untrue. Carmen and Jason asked you to lie to Lia.
A mother asked you to lie to her child. Unless there are EXTREME circumstances, this isn’t normal. (Extreme circumstances are explained by parents). Carmen and Jason also expected you to deny your own child, for the sake of Lia. This is beyond troublesome.
I wouldn’t have Lia or Carmen in my home.
I would limit any time that Tory spends with Lia or Carmen at this time. I wouldn’t apologize to Carmen.” mrslII
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your brother and his partner the jerks. They need to just be upfront and honest with Lia. This way, she can learn to accept the truth.
If they think they gotta butter her up every time and sugarcoat things to spare Lia’s feelings. Well. Let’s just say I feel sorry for Lia. She won’t be able to understand and handle the brutal honesty of this world. She won’t be able to face the reality of matters.
What does your family agreeing with and supporting the truth have to do with them liking Carmen and Lia? Carmen needs to wake up and see things as is and help Lia through this. Carmen needs to stop interpreting the truth to meet whatever reality she has set for herself and Lia.” Puzzled_War_8402
7. AITJ For Not Wanting To Buy My Mother-In-Law A New Bed In Our Guest Room?
“My MIL stays with us far more frequently than I would like. She recently requested that we purchase a new bed for our guest bedroom because the current bed we have (a newer pillow-top King size mattress) is too soft for her liking. When we pushed back a little she said she would be willing to pay for one but she doesn’t have any money so I worry that if she was to buy one it would be the cheapest mattress possible.
Other guests that have stayed with us have commented on how comfortable the bed is and when I sleep in that room (if kids join us in bed in the middle of the night or my husband is snoring), I think it’s wonderful.
My husband frequently feels ‘in the middle’ between his mom’s numerous requests and my lack of supporting those said requests.
I don’t want to put him in a bad spot but I just can’t wrap my head around getting a brand new King mattress for this reason.”
Another User Comments:
“If she’s willing to pay for it herself, this is literally what mattress toppers are made for.
(Well, no, they’re made for fixing terrible beds in furnished rentals, but close enough.) Won’t cost nearly as much as a full mattress, bit of a pain to store between uses if she’s the only guest who wants it, but far better than throwing out a perfectly good new mattress.
Of course, if the actual problem is that she visits more frequently than you’d prefer and your husband isn’t interested in changing that, then you don’t have a MIL problem or a mattress problem – you have a husband problem. NTJ, but it doesn’t really sound like your MIL is either.” TakimaDeraighdin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t have to buy things for someone who doesn’t need them and doesn’t live in your home. You also don’t have to accept the ‘gift’ of a cheap mattress. Your husband needs to stick up for you. No is a complete sentence, and he needs to start using it on his mom if he wants to continue having a wife.
He doesn’t need to be in the middle, he needs to listen to your concerns and be on the same side as you often enough that you can sometimes say YES to MIL without completely losing your mind. You would have less conflict with MIL if hubby would stand by you and you didn’t have to be constantly on guard for unreasonable requests that you can’t rely on backup for.” inkpaperdream
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You don’t buy a new bed to accommodate one person. If all your other guests don’t complain about the bed. Your MIL will just have to******* up or keep her butt at home.
And your husband needs to grow a spine when it comes to his mother.
He’s only in the middle because that’s where he put himself. All he needs to tell her and that you two haven’t received any complaints from your other guests about the bed so there is no reason to replace a perfectly fine bed. But when it is time to replace the bed maybe then you’ll take her firmness preference into consideration.
But if he truly can’t stand up to his mom maybe he needs to buy a firmer mattress topper that can be put on for when she visits.” FilthyPop__
6. AITJ For Not Allowing My Kids To Stay With My Mom Again?
“So I (30s F) asked my mom if she could watch my kids one evening while my husband and I went out.
My mom countered by asking to have my kids (4m and 1m) have a sleepover at her house which I agreed to as she was doing us a favor and she preferred to have them at her house. Our evening went great, I got the message the kids went to sleep so I thought all was good.
The next day we went to pick up the kids and my mom had given my 1-year-old A HAIRCUT! She did not ask me if she could give him a haircut or give me a heads up (which I would’ve said no). My mom said ‘oh I assumed since it was a little crooked you wouldn’t have minded’ (she knows I would mind; she often plays dumb to get away with things it’s her modus operandi).
I don’t usually stand up to my mom, it’s something I struggle with, but my brother supported me, and that was messed up. I told my mom as we were leaving that if she ever does anything like that again the boys will no longer be allowed to stay with her again.
My mom did not apologize and only yelled ‘let’s make it official now!’ I said to her ‘that was messed up and I hope you can see why I’m upset’ and I walked out with the kids and went home.
I’m now wondering if I was being too harsh and a jerk for threatening to not let the kids stay over again.
Did I overreact to a haircut? I feel like it was a complete violation.
AITJ?
Edit to add info: I need my mom to watch my 1-year-old once a week and don’t really have any other options consistently so I can’t go no/low contact though I’d rather go no contact/low contact.
It wasn’t my son’s first hair cut but I just gave him a haircut a week ago and I liked the way he looked.
Update – my husband and I found a temporary arrangement for the next three months. It will take a large financial toll on us ($1,000/month) but we will reevaluate at that time.
We are able to cut my mom out 100% and she will not have any unsupervised visits.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother was out of line to cut your son’s hair. Sounds like a power move to me. Since you can’t go low contact because of needing free child care you made the mistake to threaten her.
That feeds into the power struggle dynamic. You will have to make your peace with her overstepping if you cannot make other childcare arrangements. In my opinion, it will be useless to say anything more about her crossing your boundaries until you can make consequences stick because clearly, she cares more about her preferences than yours.” Anxious-Engineer2116
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You set a boundary and warned her what would happen if it was crossed, and she said ‘let’s make it official’ meaning ‘I don’t want my child to give me boundaries’ and that’s all you need to know when your mother’s ‘play dumb, do the thing, ask for forgiveness later’ doesn’t work, she’s just going to throw a tantrum and wait for you to apologize and come crawling to your belly for her forgiveness.
Later on, if you hold to her words, she will probably message you asking if ‘you’re still holding onto the past,’ and ‘I thought you would have moved on by now.’
Just kindly remind her that she chose to make it official, and if she’d like to admit that she was wrong and that she didn’t really want to never see her grandkids again, and take her words back, and also give a genuine apology, everything can go back to how it was, with the exception that she needs to consult you personally before she does anything concerning the children.
She literally robbed you of the child’s first haircut (if it was the first haircut). That’s a hallmark you can never get back. Stay strong.” ferventlotus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you had every right to be upset over this. She is not their parent, so making a unilateral decision to cut your child’s hair without any mention about it to you until you actually saw your child was completely out of line.
You get to raise your children the way you prefer and she needs to respect the boundaries that you give her regarding your children. I think giving her only one more chance to prove that she can stay in her lane before taking the step of not letting the kids stay with her is reasonable.
(At least this is how I interpreted your response regarding her behavior.)
At this point, her refusal to apologize or even acknowledge that what she did was wrong sounds like she doesn’t respect you as their parent or the boundaries you have set. You have told her your course of action and what you expect from her to be allowed to continue getting to spend time with her grandchildren, so now it is up to her and her alone to prove that she can and will respect your boundaries.
If she doesn’t, she already knows what the consequences for not doing so will be, so you would remain NTJ if you have to take that more drastic step.” Own-Preference-8188
5. AITJ For Telling My Sister She Was Ruining Thanksgiving?
“I (34f) had an altercation with my sister (28f) at Thanksgiving this year after my wife accused my husband of being purposefully incompetent.
After Thanksgiving lunch, the men were outside with the kids and the women were sitting around inside.
I was just telling a funny anecdotal story about how my husband is notoriously bad at doing the dishes and sometimes the laundry which is oftentimes why I’m the one doing the chores.
It was only meant to be a funny haha sort of story that the other women could relate to as my sister, my mother, my aunts, and my grandmother are all married. And everyone did enjoy and laughed at my story except my sister who instead scoffed and rolled her eyes very purposefully.
She then proceeded to tell me that my husband was being purposefully incompetent in order to get out of doing chores. She explained that her husband knows how to do the dishes and the laundry and said that men who ‘didn’t know’ or were ‘bad’ were purposefully doing so to manipulate their wives into doing it instead and not asking them to in the future.
It was all very weird and out of nowhere.
The other women around us were visibly uncomfortable by my sister’s outburst and I was pretty annoyed by her very disrespectful statement. I told her she was rude and out of line to talk about my husband that way and that it was none of her business, but my sister refused to back down on her stance.
She said she only said it because she loves me and she wants me and all the other women in our family to want ‘better’ for themselves and that it was her business since I decided to tell the story that started the whole thing.
At that point, I told her she was being extremely toxic and ruining Thanksgiving for everyone else. My sister looked shocked that I wasn’t agreeing with her points and ended up leaving pretty soon after. My family was pretty split down the middle about the whole thing because they did think my sister was out of line but my sister has always been very outspoken and it honestly wasn’t that shocking compared to some of the other outbursts she’s had at Thanksgivings in the past.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and a fool if you think your husband faking being incompetent doing household chores is cute and funny.
Your sister is right and not toxic at all. If there’s any toxicity it’s you and your husband. He’s not performing surgery, it’s dishes and laundry.
Children can do both. Why can’t he? You’ve been conned.
Your husband is disrespectful and inconsiderate. Also, you’re the one causing drama and it’s a shame your family members are too afraid of your next outburst/tantrum to tell you so.
Sis definitely struck a nerve. Consider why you’re so defensive by what she said.” atxtrace
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You’re telling me, that a grown man, is incapable of cleaning dishes and laundry, to the point he’s that bad at it you don’t even bother asking him no more?
She is right. You can’t be bad at doing the dishes, it’s literally soap, water, and wiping them till they are clean! Same with laundry. Separate the colors, add powder, check the temperature, and start the machine…
The only thing your sister is guilty of is highlighting flaws in some of your husbands, but she’s not a jerk for it.
You brought it up as a joke and she didn’t find it funny and called it out. You were the one being toxic by telling her she was ruining thanksgiving cos she didn’t agree or sympathize with you.” HunterDangerous1366
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your sister is right, and if she isn’t and your husband really is so incompetent, he needs to immediately be given full responsibility for both dishes and laundry, because he needs to practice.
No adult should be incapable of doing dishes or doing their own laundry unless there’s a medical reason for it.
Your sister was doing a very important thing, which was to push back against the idea that men are incapable of doing chores. Which is both misogynistic and infantilizes men.
Men can do incredibly complex things at work, but the moment they step over the threshold of their home, they suddenly cannot read a label or load a dishwasher. Nope, doesn’t fly.
That you think that what your sister said is toxic should make you examine your own internalized misogyny.
In addition, you should look at your partnership with your husband, and see whether it is truly equitable – do you get the same amount of free time? I bet not. Your husband has you snowed, and the rest of your family is equally brainwashed.” KeyFly3
4. AITJ For Blaming My Mom For My Being Single?
“Four years ago, my mom and brother got into a car accident. My brother was fifteen at the time and learning to drive.
He crashed into a sports car out of panic because mom was screaming at him for messing up on parking. Insurance wouldn’t pay and my parents had to pay out the sports car owner.
This really financially hurt us. Some of the money had to come out of my own college fund as my parents’ names were also on it.
As a result, I missed out on an internship and an opportunity to study abroad because I couldn’t afford it. Thanks, Mom.
Recently I was on leave for Thanksgiving. I’m 23 and single. Most girls in my town around my age are already married or have great jobs or are in med school or law school.
I’m enlisted in the Navy, not out of patriotism but because the benefits are good.
Mom was complaining about how I’m still not married or in grad school. I snapped and told her, ‘if you didn’t bankrupt us after that accident you caused, maybe I’d find a husband at (original college).
Maybe I wouldn’t need to enlist!’
My dad and most of the family are mad for making her cry and ruining Thanksgiving. I may have gone overboard, but I think I was in the right. We’re stuck in this quagmire because of an accident she caused.
AITJ?
Edit: just to clarify – I was contributing to my college fund with money from relatives and from a part-time job I had in high school.
I know I’m not entitled to travel abroad or go to a fancy school. Two of my friends who are married now met their husbands through a study abroad exchange and now live overseas.
My mom did pressure me to date while attending the Trashy State School (TSS). I didn’t because the guys are a bunch of losers who would go back to their podunk towns after graduation. And frankly, I don’t want kids just to spite her.
She is desperate to be a grandma.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It sucks that that happened, but it’s time to move on. No one got hurt (?), which is the important thing. Also, why didn’t insurance pay it? Was your brother driving without a license/permit?
Also, I don’t know if I’d blame your mom 100% for the accident, your brother was the one driving.
And it’s not like only if you go to Yale you get a good job and husband/wife. People go to every college, meet people, date, and get married. People don’t go to college and accomplish all of these things.
Does it suck you lost your college fund? Yea. But you could’ve done loans, gone to a cheaper college, and applied for grants/scholarships. You didn’t have to go into the military. You could’ve taken out a personal loan to go abroad if you really wanted. And you could’ve gotten a different internship.
Stop blaming your shortcoming on your mom.” Buying_Bagels
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your mom sucks for complaining about not being married at age 23 (plus about the grad school bit when she is partially to blame). YTJ for blaming your mom for an accident (an accident caused primarily by your brother, not your mom – the driver has to be mostly at fault).
You also have a fantasy notion of this magical life that exists in a different timeline where you didn’t enlist in the navy and got to study abroad. No one made you enlist in the navy. Tons of people have zero money from their parents for college.
You said you still had some college funds. You have to find a way to stop hating your mom for being in a car accident.” AgoraiosBum
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your mother should take some responsibility for how her actions affected you.
It’s her behavior that led to an accident.
And it was she and your dad who decided to take money from your college fund.
Missing out on internships, changing from a more prestigious to a less prestigious school – yes, those changes have an effect on your career opportunities.
If you’ve never let her know how her actions affected you and how you resent her – your response was long overdue.
She was a total jerk to go after you like that. If you had reacted with tears and run off – you might have ended up with the family sympathy vote. Instead, you fought back, letting your mom go the drama queen victim route and win the popular vote.
Ultimately, and for your own sake, you have to let this go. You can’t dwell in the land of might-have-been. That’s not to say you should accept the crap your mom dishes out – you can still put her in her place.
You may not have had the opportunities you were promised and what you worked and saved for.
But you still likely have a lot of good attributes and a really great future if you’re open to it.” Mermaidtoo
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your mother for bringing up and shaming you for your lack of relationship and degree.
You for blaming her for lack of relationship and not going to college.
You could have applied for a scholarship or gotten a student loan and paid a good chunk off with the rest of your college fund but decided to go into the Navy. You have a phone and can download mingling apps, go to military mixers, ask to go on blind dates set up by trusted friends, do it the easy way, or a thousand other things to find a partner.
College and money don’t guarantee that your relationship will work out and the lack of them doesn’t guarantee it either, but saying that your lack of money or college education because of an accident 4 years ago has kept you single is like saying the sprained ankle you had in second grade is the reason why you’re not a gold medal Olympic track star.” MaleficentBasil4
3. AITJ For Not Stopping My Son From Coming To My Brother's House?
“My brother-in-law lives right next door to us so he can access our house and we can access his through the back as there’s no fence separating them. My son is 4 and will go to his house to say hello or to call him for lunch/dinner every day.
The only time he doesn’t go is if my brother-in-law is already at ours.
His fiancée moved in a few weeks ago. Things have continued as normal as my brother-in-law hasn’t asked us to stop letting our son go to his nor has he given us any indication he’s no longer okay with it.
However, his fiancée told me to stop letting my son go to their house without asking first. I asked her if she had spoken to my brother-in-law about it since he was the one who originally started encouraging my son to do this, but she said she hadn’t.
I told her I thought it was best if she spoke to him about it first as I didn’t want my brother-in-law to think I was trying to stop him from spending time with my son. She told me she didn’t need to speak to him first and I should respect her rules and keep my son out of their home.
I told her I would only do it if my brother-in-law asked me to so she’s mad at me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
But not for why you think, although it’s perfectly reasonable for a fiancé to not want to be responsible for a 4-year-old who randomly walks into her home whenever.
You are the jerk because when your FOUR-YEAR-OLD walks into the neighboring house, they are no longer in your sight and you’re just assuming that your BIL or now the fiancé is willing AND able to be responsible for a small child with no warning.
What if BIL was sleeping or in the shower? Then your small child could walk in and have a whole house full of dangerous things they could grab in seconds. Kitchen knives, medication, and household cleaners. A person without little kids isn’t going to have a kid-proof home.
Even things like popcorn and grapes are a huge hazard to small children who aren’t supervised.
Be a parent before you lose your child. It takes seconds for a 4-year-old to get into dangerous stuff.” SourSkittlezx
Another User Comments:
“NTJ since you say that your brother-in-law has always encouraged it, and this isn’t just you allowing your child to intrude on their household, BUT…
If I were you, I’d keep in mind that his fiancée is now looking for a reason and a way to stop this and that she has every incentive to make sure that your 4-year-old son ‘accidentally’ sees something that he shouldn’t when he shows up unannounced, so it may be worth rethinking the situation anyway.
Either way, I suggest that YOU have a talk with your BIL as soon as possible rather than waiting for her too. This is a nightmare waiting to happen. He should know that his fiancée has been going behind his back discouraging his nephew from visiting unprompted – a habit that he has encouraged and supported to build their relationship – because he should know what kind of person she is.
And his feelings on the matter need to be clarified anyway.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“The way you say she needs to talk to your brother-in-law is like she needs to get his permission. She is not a guest. She is his fiancée and has moved in.
She didn’t say he couldn’t come over. She asked for a heads-up. You have no idea what your son is interrupting. And my guess is she took umbrage with your attitude that you don’t have to listen to her in her own house.
You basically said she doesn’t have any right or autonomy in her own home and needed a man to tell her what she wanted was okay.
Should she have talked to her fiancé? Yeah but it’s not any of your business. It’s their private relationship that she can handle the fallout for.
She could have just said she didn’t need to because she felt like you were saying she didn’t have any right to make that request. Maybe she did voice her concerns and just said she didn’t need to because she wanted to mark her territory and make a clear boundary.
Your BIL’s home is her home, not yours or your child’s
Her not talking to your BIL is a jerk behavior maybe if that’d be a problem. But I honestly don’t think it is. She didn’t say your kid can’t come over, which is how you’re reacting and demanding your BIL give her permission.
She said ask. She’s not even being a jerk to your kid. She’s saying her world and your BIL’s world don’t revolve around him or you at your whims. She is asking for some courtesy, not making a huge life-changing decision.
I’d need a heads-up if anyone wanted me to become responsible for their child. If she were banning your kid, then yeah—she is a jerk to you, the kid, and her fiancé for not running it by him. But that’s just not the case
Because she didn’t act like a jerk to you in a way, YTJ” PettyHonestThrowaway
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. His situation has changed and he is not the only one living there. You don’t get to dismiss her wishes simply because they aren’t yours.
She sucks because the first person she needed to speak to is her fiance. Not you. Him. She didn’t because she figured it would be easier to tell you no than risk a fight with her fiance. How was she not aware that this was normal behavior as I can’t imagine she just started coming around.
He sucks because when moving in together EVERYTHING needs to be discussed. Seeing as your families are exceptionally close how is this not brought up? If this was going to be an issue it should have been dealt with before moving in together.
The only one who doesn’t suck is the 4-year-old.” Flashy_Ferret_1819
2. AITJ For Making My Vegan Roommate Smell Cooked Meat?
“I’m also vegan (3 years now). And I live with my friend (2 years vegan) and her partner (1 year vegan).
Note: We were not vegan when we all first met and I was the only vegan at one point.
They all gradually went vegan after living together. So meat was cooked in this house previously. Us all being vegan was something that happened over time. This was never established as a vegan-only home.
My roommates and I have been sharing a home for about 2.5 years now without conflict.
Recently, my partner (who is not vegan) unexpectedly moved in. He has a severe back injury and is in need of assistance with daily tasks. He cannot sit, drive, or bend at the waist, and even standing and walking is excruciating for him on really bad days.
As compensation for the additional person in the house, I happily and willingly offered to pay the entirety of the water/power bill instead of my usual third without being asked.
Everything was going well until my partner wanted to try a combination of a carnivore/keto diet.
The general consensus from the physicians he’s seen is that losing weight would definitely help his recovery. He’s been eating mostly vegan, up until now, because I do the cooking but had only seen minimal weight loss. His lack of mobility makes it even more difficult because his exercise options are very, very limited. I support his decision to try carnivore/keto because I want to see him go back to his normal life as much as he does.
We also got a gym membership together so I can take him to go use the pool and hopefully aid in his weight loss.
A few days ago, he managed to cook himself some meat, eggs, etc while I’m out at work. I get home from work and my friend sits down while I’m eating dinner and tells me she cannot stand the smell of meat in the house.
We have a short, civil conversation. I understand her point of view and let her know that I’ll figure out a solution.
That night, I send her a message letting her know that I’ll help my partner cook everything and meal prep for the week, while she’s at work so that he only needs to use the kitchen as little as possible and only when she’s not in the house – that we’d keep the house ventilated and clean up very well afterward.
I also explain why he’s doing this, even though she knows and sees the pain he’s in.
I woke up to a message back saying that she can’t do it. That the house smells like a slaughterhouse. That the smell sticks to everything. That it makes her lose her appetite.
And that the two options are: either she moves out or she’s willing to pay half my rent to get him ‘to never cook a dead animal in the house again’.
I, personally, don’t care what people eat. The smell doesn’t bother me and I know for a fact that it doesn’t bother her partner (my other roommate) either.
I’m a peacekeeper at heart so, in a perfect world, both she and my partner would be happy. I understand that people can be very sensitive to smells – but I thought I offered a sensible solution. I did not complain back when I was, at one point, the only vegan in the household.
So AITJ for thinking she should be more understanding to the smell of cooked meat?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It comes down to this: your roommate has done your partner a favor & put up with inconvenience because she feels sympathy for him, & in return, he is showing her less than zero consideration.
You’re already imposing on your roommate in a big way by moving another person (who pays no rent) into the house suddenly & cooking meat really seems like an unnecessary & pointed lack of consideration. It seems that the real reason your partner is at your house is because of his family issues.
Your roommate obviously has sympathy because she was fine with you moving him in – but an extra person in the house, who needs to be waited on hand & foot, has got to be causing difficulties. The meat-cooking issue is probably the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I feel sorry for your partner, but he’s a guest. If he wasn’t with you, he would have had to figure out how to deal with his family situation. Luckily, you & by involuntary extension your roommates, have done him a massive, massive favor.
I don’t know, if that were me I would be making a big effort to cause the least possible disruption to the people who let me move in with them for free. Is your partner at all bothered by the disruption he’s causing your roommates by insisting on cooking meat, or by the tension he’s caused between you & your roommate by ignoring household rules?
If he absolutely needs to eat meat, why not order that is already cooked in order to minimize the smell? Or go out to eat since he’s mobile enough to get to the pool.
Your roommate is being quite hard-line on this, but I’m not going to say everyone sucks because her offering to pay half your rent or move out demonstrates that she’s genuinely distressed by having meat cooked in her home, she’s not being difficult for the sake of it.
The decent thing for you to do would be to find a way to avoid cooking meat in the house. Your partner is staying with you short-term, so he can limit his meat consumption temporarily.
As an aside: Meat has a really pungent smell & to someone vegan/vegetarian who isn’t used to it, it’s both very unpleasant and very noticeable.
It’s like smoke to a non-smoker – regardless of what precautions you take, that smell will be absorbed by fabrics & linger. I think it’s unfair to subject someone to that in their home. There is no medical reason to eat meat that can’t be worked around with meat alternatives.
If he was, for example, staying temporarily in a strict Muslim household, it would be the height of rudeness for him to eat pork or drink liquor – even though drinking a beer is far less disruptive than the smell of cooking. People are allowed to agree on rules for religious or ethical reasons in their own households, & those rules are binding for guests who may not share their religion or ethics.
It’s very, very easy to lose weight on a vegan diet. Unless you’re shoveling the carbs, it’s pretty much impossible not to lose weight by starting a vegan diet honestly. Going temporarily vegan is a well-known weight-loss method, actually, like keto. Vegetarian keto is a thing if your partner is set on keto.
Since mobility is the issue, it seems like food intake restriction is the place to start with weight loss?” Isbll1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have bent over backward to accommodate your roommate. It isn’t about ‘respect;’ it is about control. You’re clearly not one of the preachy vegans, and it seems your roommate is.
Your roommate is shaming your partner for a choice he made; would she react favorably if your partner said that the large amounts of plants being cooked in the house made it smell like a compost heap? I rather doubt it.
Your roommate is behaving very hypocritically, and she needs to be checked. Seems she left you with a choice, and if I were you, I would levy the tax she volunteered for her controlling nonsense.
She wants control over the kitchen? She can pay for it, and ‘dearly.’
Edit: I would take her up on the payment of your half of the rent, but she said: ‘in the house.’ She said nothing about outside.” LunchboxtwinPNW
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Maybe the quarrel hides a bigger picture: it’s less about your roommate having to endure the smell of meat than about her having to endure your partner’s presence. How did they feel about him moving in with you? You describe him as nearly immobile, which means he is constantly at home and in need of full assistance.
Having myself some roommates, even though I appreciate them, it can be very irritating when they‘re constantly at home. It means more noise, more mess, less space, more waiting for common rooms to be free, etc. And in addition to that: a smell they seem to be absolutely not able to live with for ethical reasons.
Yes, you offered to pay for the water bills, but your partner is unable to pay for his fair share of the rent. And I assume not everyone was enthusiastic about having an additional roomie.
In my eyes, the smell could therefore be the scapegoat of a bigger issue.” politicanna
1. AITJ For Not Checking What My Son Was Wearing?
“I (37F) am in a huge fight with my husband (40M), and I’m looking for some perspective.
We’ve been together since we were teens. I’ll preface it by saying that we’ve been struggling for a while, and have been in marriage counseling since May. We’ve had ups and downs since then, and right now we’re definitely in a down period.
We have four kids together.
Our washing machine broke yesterday, and my husband is very handy but wasn’t going to be able to fix it in time for us to wash clothes for church this morning. So I told the kids if they absolutely needed something cleaned to wear to church, to go get it and I’ll wash it by hand.
(I think I said ‘I,’ but I may have said ‘we.’ Not sure if it matters.)
The only kid who needed something washed was our 12-year-old son. My husband asked me ‘do you want me to wash them?’ and I said ‘yes,’ or ‘sure.’ Frankly, I was surprised he offered and expected that I would have been the one washing them, because my husband had been working most of the day – not typical for him on a Saturday – but I didn’t push back.
In the past, he has expressed frustration when I question his offers to help.
So he hand-washed and machine-dried a polo and a pair of khakis for our son.
Fast-forward to today. My husband went to church early. I got the kids ready and brought them later.
We were rushing, which we always are, and I overheard my 12-year-old complaining about something about his clothes across the house, but I didn’t investigate what was wrong and he didn’t come and ask for help. He went to the car without me seeing him, and when we got to church, we all went our separate ways for various things.
Honestly, I saw my son several times throughout the morning, but I never noticed what he was wearing. I can’t tell you why, but I just didn’t.
When I got home later after dropping our daughter off somewhere, my husband asked why our son wasn’t wearing the clothes he washed for him.
I realized I had no idea. Son came out and explained that the pants were too small so he fished some other stuff out of the laundry to wear – a sports jersey, gym shorts, under-armor tights, and a shirt… I was appalled.
My husband is furious at me for not checking him before he left the house.
He says he wasted his time washing the clothes and I wasted his time by not checking to make sure the kid was dressed appropriately before we left.
I’m furious that my husband is furious and don’t see why I owe him an apology!
I think if I’m a jerk, it’s for not making sure our son has clothes that fit and are clean, not because I didn’t inspect him before we left the house.
Context: my husband is typically responsible for laundry – washing, drying, and folding.
The kids make sure it gets right side out and to the laundry room and put away. I help the youngest who’s just turned 5. I’m responsible for shopping and all cooking except on Monday night, which is my husband’s day off. We both work full-time.
What am I missing here???
Update: My husband and I have talked a lot over the days since then, and we’ve had many opportunities to practice what we’ve been learning in counseling. I think it’s true that somewhere along the way, we lost respect for each other.
We’re both committed to each other, our relationship, and our family, and we’re going to continue to rebuild. We need to laugh more, take things less seriously, and give each other grace. We’ve been through a lot, separately and together, and we’re both worth fighting for.
I almost didn’t include the fact that we’re Christians and that church was involved, because our issue wasn’t about the church dress code or God being mad at us for not dressing properly… it was more about my husband and my insecurities being triggered.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband was probably embarrassed, and he’s taking it out on you. Remind him that church is not a fashion show (at least it shouldn’t be). Your son was there to learn about God. That’s the important thing, not what he was wearing while he was learning.
I don’t think God cares about clothes, so your husband should just get over it.
And I really think your son did a great job dressing himself. He didn’t come to you, he did what needed to be done on his own. He should be given a lot of credit for that.
You should be proud of him (and tell him that). Many 12-year-old boys would have whined about it and waited for mom to handle it.” GuinevereMorgan
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
It is a known fact that you can lay out the clothes on Saturday night and Sunday morning, one kid will have outgrown the outfit, another will have no socks anywhere in the house, and you will be running late.
That is just what it is.
You made it to church. That’s a win. What do you do with all these negative emotions? That is an opportunity: for humility, for better preparation, and to rethink how you communicate with family members. Allow yourself—and your husband and your son—to make mistakes and move forward.” Iwasgunna
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Y’all need to be furious about the situation and maybe the kid, but not each other. Why did the kid hand over clothes that didn’t fit to get hand washed? Frustrating that it happened, but nothing to do but live and learn.
Adolescents will push boundaries and manipulate the situation sometimes (I’m sure he had some reason he wanted to wear sports gear). Sounds like he created an excuse for his pants to be unavailable, then managed to stay out of plain sight (already in the car, otherwise there, but behind things?) There was a reason you didn’t notice until it was a done deal. If he’s never done this before, why would you feel it necessary to indirect him before getting in the car?
If he didn’t manipulate the situation, he’d have made sure you knew he had to find different clothes.” Aunt_Anne
Another User Comments:
“What you’re missing here is your responsibility to also make sure your kids are taken care of and that they have access to clean clothes that fit them.
I understand that you were in a hurry, but you made the choice not to check on your son when he tried to tell you, and that’s your fault when you could have completely prevented this.
I can’t stand this entire ‘This is his responsibility, this is mine’ mentality.
You are married. You are still ultimately responsible for everything together, regardless of whoever does certain chores around the house.
Everyone sucks here. Just not the kids.” CyclonicHavoc
