People Go Into Detail About Their "Am I The Jerk" Accounts
21. AITJ For Expecting Cake On My Birthday?
“My (21M) birthday was yesterday. And it would’ve been a good day, if it weren’t for my father (50s).
For context, he and I have never had the best relationship.
Over the years, he has taught me to never have any expectations of him. He’s dismissive about me and my hobbies/passions and constantly verbally mistreats me through small comments or unsolicited advice.
He treats me like a stress ball and only ever back-pedals or lets up when people in his social circle speak up about this behavior.
With that in mind, I, of course, didn’t expect anything for this birthday either.
However, my father decided to pleasantly surprise me: He told me that he’d taken the day off and that he would spend time with me. I was cautiously optimistic, and when he asked what I wanted that day, I told him that all that I wanted was cake.
And then, my birthday came around and my father proved to me that, once again, I really should not have had any expectations at all.
When I woke up, he handed me a card and then left for work.
Even though he said he’d taken the day off. Or that we’d go and spend time together. And that he, at the very least, would make sure I’d have a dang cake on my birthday.
He couldn’t even do the bare minimum. When that sank in, I was absolutely devastated.
Luckily for me, I have great friends, and one of them came over. We baked my birthday cake together (it was delicious) and spent the day together.
That doesn’t mean that I wasn’t furious at my father for doing this to me and ruining what could have been an amazing day.
My first mistake here was having any expectations for my father.
My second mistake was making a post on social media.
I decided to post pictures of my cake (because it was great and I’m proud of my friend and me) with some text about almost having to spend my birthday alone if it wasn’t for said friend.
No big deal right?
Well, then my aunt called. . Considering she decided to phone me at a ludicrous hour. The first words that came out of her mouth were (almost) verbatim, “[Name], I saw your social media post. Our family was talking about it, and it’s making us look bad.” I LOST IT.
I LAUGHED LIKE A MANIAC.
After that followed 50 minutes of her giving me a TED Talk on why my father (her brother) is a great guy actually, that I should be the ‘mature’ one and “accept the fact that [your father] will never live up to all of your expectations.”
This is mostly a vent, but since my father’s side of the family is giving me this vibe… am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m in the same age bracket as your father.
I’m 51. If I knew him, I’d take him aside and tell him that his actions are having long-term effects on his relationship with you. I’d tell him that by ignoring you, that he’s creating distance, lack of trust and bad memories for you.
I’d also tell him if he really wants to leave this permanent impression of being a hands-off father who doesn’t give a darn.
I know you’ve processed or are still processing the hurt that your father’s latest actions have caused you.
I’m still glad that you were able to find some happiness with your friends on your birthday. It sounds like they care about you very much.” SupergirlKrypton
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Notice your aunt’s concern isn’t making sure you were ok but that your post was making “the family” look bad. I bet you didn’t get a single “happy birthday” message from any of them?
Of course, however, they are quick to defend their own kind. Your father’s side of the family is toxic. Cut them all off.” desert_red_head
20. AITJ For Blocking My Friend After Her Dad Recently Passed Away?
“I (28F) recently got divorced. There are a lot of reasons why, but it was for a lot of the same reasons my friend Angie (30F) got divorced as well, mainly related to the behavior of our ex-husbands.
Angie also recently lost her dad to a long battle with cancer. She has been devastated, and I have tried to be as understanding as I can and be a good friend, while still also managing my divorce.
I posted something on my social media about how good it felt to finally be free after my divorce was final, along with a quote caption about being a strong woman leaving the kind of relationship I left.
Angie proceeded to call me and leave a LONG voicemail about how I shouldn’t be claiming I went through something I didn’t, how there was no way it could have actually happened because it happened to her, and my situation wasn’t anything like hers (which it wasn’t).
And there is no way any woman who went through something like that in reality would be comfortable talking about it so soon.
I told her she had no right to tell me I experienced something I didn’t because it looked different than what she experienced. And no right to tell me the correct way to process my trauma.
It led to a huge argument, and I ended up blocking her and haven’t spoken to her since.
Now our mutual friend, Katie, is telling me I overreacted and that I need to apologize because Angie just lost her dad, and we all know my experience wasn’t as physical as Angie’s and that Angie is just hurt because I’m making it look like every person who goes through this should be able to get over it quickly.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. That’s not how you treat someone you care about. Especially a friend. Why is it so commonplace to block someone these days before you have a conversation with them?” Jealous_Cook_4677
Another User Comments:
“So you both had abusive husbands, and she’s denying you were abused because she thinks your social media post indicates you bounced back too fast?
NTJ. Block away.
I’m sure she’s having an awful time with grief, but that’s not an excuse to deny your experience or use you as an emotional punchbag. You are allowed to look after yourself, and your mutual friend should stay out of it.
It’s your decision when/if to let Angie back in.” threeforagirl
19. AITJ For Hanging Up The Phone On My Best Friend?
“I’ve had this best friend for several years, but our friendship sometimes feels very one-sided, and I feel like I always give her support that I never receive back.
Whenever she’s sad, I’m supposed to focus my whole attention on her or else she’s claiming I don’t love and care about her, and I feel guilty. When she’s happy, succeeding, or flourishing in something, I’m genuinely happy for her, and I always go all the way out to celebrate her happiness.
The past two years, I’ve stopped sharing stuff with her for the reasons I’ll explain, and I have started distancing myself.
When I got engaged and video chatted with her, she said a very dry, “Congrats” and then started talking about her ex and his new chick.
She didn’t focus on my engagement, the news, the ring, and she made it about herself.
When I got married, I had her as one of my bridesmaids, and she was the only one who kept giving everyone a hard time, me, the hairstylists, the makeup artists, many vendors, to the point that my mother-in-law had to privately scold her to keep herself together.
Yesterday, I announced to her that I’m pregnant with my first child. The only response I got was, “Ok? So anyway, let me tell you, girl, I have some news.
I decided to give a chance to that guy I was telling you about…” to that point I had enough of that being so constant, and I said, “Why did I even bother” and hang up the phone.
She kept calling me, but I didn’t pick up. She texted me demanding explanations. I sent her an entire paragraph of how she always does this, which is something I’ve done again one time in the past, and she fixed it for some time but then went back to acting like this.
She simply said I’m being egocentric and selfish for making everything about me, and our shared friends claim I’m a jerk for not being a supportive friend to her, and no matter when or how she tells me about her problems, I’m obligated as a friend to put my friend first and my own happiness second.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You know she is jealous of you, right? I mean, if you have your crap together, and her life is always some hot mess that she has to unload on you about exes and their new partner… you do realize that’s 99% what this is about?
She just feels that since you have this and she does not, you get to be her dumping ground. But that’s not friendship. It’s a give and take.” Issyswe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and they are not your friends… Tell them to screw off all the way into the sun. Your “bestie” is a narcissist. You should not even have to explain this to them, but if you want to see how bad they are at relationship-ing, ask them what their response should be after you tell them some really good news, like, “I just got my dream job at Disney!” Should the response be, “Great, let me tell you about this guy I wanna sleep with” OR “That’s great!
Tell me more about it!”
Your “friend’s” model of relationships only works if EVERONE does that all the time. Then everyone always has support.” abayifo
18. AITJ For Taking Back My Mother-In-Law's Birthday Gift And Leaving Her House?
Mothers-in-law are something else.
“My mother-in-law’s birthday was yesterday, and we had dinner at her house last night. She’s always been a little particular about her gifts, and because of that, she usually sends a very detailed list of the things she would like.
This year, she said she felt like everyone knew her well enough to get her something we knew she’d like, so she won’t send us a list.
I decided on a topaz necklace on a petite chain, topaz being her birthstone, and she enjoys very delicate jewelry.
My husband, unfortunately, was unable to attend dinner, so this incident occurred without him present.
When it was time to open presents, she opened ours first. She took the necklace out of the box and told us the stone looked like a “pee rock” and “we should have known she wouldn’t have liked it.”
I reached to the middle of the table where she had tossed it and gently grabbed the jewelry box, standing up from the table. I told her I would return it and apologized for gifting her a pee rock and left before she had time to respond.
She called me multiple times on my way home and left me multiple voicemails telling me I ruined her birthday and that was incredibly disrespectful.
My husband told me I reacted emotionally but told me she was out of line and should have just said thank you because that’s not how adults handle gifts they dislike.
AITJ?”
Another User Comment:
“NTJ. How did you react emotionally? You quietly picked it up off the table, apologized, and left.
As for your mother-in-law, good God. As someone who is so particular with gifts (kind of rude thing to be in my opinion but whatever), it’s really strange that she would open up the possibility of setting herself up for disappointment by not providing a list. It’s almost like this was some sort of childish test to see who “knew” her the best and humiliate the ones whose gifts don’t live up to her standards.
Also, in what WORLD, does someone receive a piece of jewelry, or any gift for that matter (that isn’t purposefully offensive), and say anything but thank you? And not only that but call it a “pee rock?” Unbelievable that you’re the one being considered disrespectful.
If the only way for your mother-in-law to enjoy her birthday is to belittle and insult someone without any pushback, then that’s not someone I would want to really ever be around.” Legitimate_Essay_221
Another User Comment:
“NTJ. She knows she’s picky (but in reality, she’s much more than that), decided not to do a list, and you put thought into the gift-getting her something you thought she’d like based on a few things you knew about her.
You did fine. But she literally said it wasn’t good enough for her and tossed it away from herself. She rejected the gift and was mean to you about it.
That would upset just about anyone with feelings.
And no, your husband is wrong. It’s not the adult way to just take someone’s abuse with a smile. Adults pick their battles, and when necessary, are brave enough to remove themselves from a situation when being mistreated. She ruined her own birthday by making the environment so negative and unwelcoming.
And by leaving multiple accusatory voicemails, she’s clearly the one being immature and emotional. She owes you an apology, but don’t expect one. Sounds like she’s pretty set in her ways.” nx85
Another User Comment:
“NTJ, it was a thoughtful gift, and she behaved rudely. But from her perspective, you did ruin her birthday. You were expected to take the insult and smile sweetly, so the evening could continue.
Leaving forced her to be accountable for her behavior. That’s the real reason she’s mad. Don’t apologize, op. She’ll only behave worse next time if you do.” HarlesBronson
17. AITJ For Still Being Mad At My Sister And Not Wanting To Talk To Her?
“I (29f) have a sister (45f).
My partner and I have thought long and hard about our goals, leading to the decision of moving to his hometown about 2,000 miles away.
We finished packing our POD when my dad got home. He was getting emotional, and I decided to walk away because I didn’t wanna cry again.
Before I left, my dad turned to my partner and told him, “She’s the thing I love the most; keep her safe.”
My cousin followed me, seeing as the moment was for them to talk. For some reason, my sister didn’t follow. About 30 minutes later, she walks in crying. I’ve had about enough, so I decided to just go into my room.
I hear her talking and just decide to ignore it.
The next thing I know, she is walking into my room sobbing saying, “He asked Papi for your hand in marriage.” And behind him stood my partner shocked that she said anything.
All I could do was have my jaw dropped and say, “Why are you telling me this? You should’ve let him tell me.” Her- “He even did it in Spanish.
It was so amazing to be there for it.” I look at my partner, and he goes stone cold. Very short answers.
Later he said, “I’m upset, and I just wanted to hold that close until the day I do propose.
I know it’s dumb, but I wanted that to be for us.”
It wasn’t dumb and his feelings were valid. I was too. She did it again. Made herself involved in a moment that doesn’t involve her.
THEN TOLD EVERYONE ABOUT IT. My partner and I are very private. We don’t share things because of her and her meddling. So for her to do that totally overstepped.
A few hours later, she calls me when I’m on the way home.
Her- “Hi! Just wanted to say I love you guys and thanks for letting me be a part of that.”
Me- “Yea. Just do me a favor and don’t go telling everyone and posting it online.”
H- “Oh, I would never tell anyone.” At that moment, I saw red.
M- “That’s a lie. You would and you did. You did tell people about it. You came into the house acting ridiculous and telling everyone in the house. Then you proceeded to tell me.
You didn’t even let my partner tell me. You didn’t even know if he wanted me to know. And now he will never have the chance to tell me.
Because you chose to involve yourself in a personal moment that wasn’t yours.
H- “I’m sorry; I was just so happy.”
M- “That’s not an excuse. We aren’t you.
HE is different. He does things with intentions, and you didn’t give a crap what that intention was.”
H- “You are right, sorry. My big mouth ruined that moment.” Once the reverse pity apology happened, I was over the conversation.
“What I’m feeling is valid. Being upset with you is valid. And I don’t care about the apology right now. What’s done is done and that won’t change.
You took something that should’ve been special and inserted yourself into it.”
It’s been a while now, and I still haven’t wanted to talk to her. My mom thinks I am too sensitive.
I’m upset. I’m tired of special moments or conversations being surrounded by her. AITJ for still being upset and not wanting to talk to my sister?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.Who knows how long he was planning this, planning the special moment to ask you. And it all came crashing down in an instant because she wanted to throw it out there.
Also, you don’t owe conversation to anyone. You are not required to talk to anyone you don’t want to. Even if she didn’t spoil this particular thing, you have your own life to live, and you can include whoever you want in it (family or not).” aveneline
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – She basically ruined your partner’s proposal. I’m a big believer in talking about it beforehand and agreeing that if me and my partner want to get married, we’ll talk first. Then one of us would propose.
She didn’t even give you the chance to have that conversation, though. She didn’t know if you wanted to get married, she didn’t know if he’d go through with it, she didn’t know if you already had something really special planned. Instead, she made it about herself, and nobody should have time for people who make every private situation into gossip or an opportunity for attention.
If you don’t want to talk with her, either don’t or write her a message explaining why. If she really is sorry, she’ll change given the opportunity and a note of what she did wrong.
Cutting all contact is also incredibly understandable.” ShiroShototsu
The reverse pity apology, hopefully, was “yes. You and your big mouth did ruin everything, like you have in the past and like you probably will again in the future.”
16. AITJ For Covering A Nightshift For A Co-Worker Without Consulting My Husband?
“My (F31) husband (M34) used to be the breadwinner and me a stay-at-home mom until our 3-year-old son passed away 2 years ago.
It was a traumatic and devastating loss for us, and I got so depressed and lonely and had plenty of time sitting around doing nothing besides the usual house chores.
I decided to look for a job recently after a close friend encouraged me saying it will help me heal when I go out and interact with people. My brother-in-law found me a job, but my husband didn’t welcome the idea, claiming I wasn’t mentally or physically prepared for this commitment but eventually agreed to let me take it on the condition I only work day shifts and be home before 8 pm.
Thankfully, my employer was very accommodating when I explained my circumstances.
A few days ago, I got a call from my co-worker telling me he had an emergency and begged me to swap shifts with him meaning I go cover his night shift, and he’ll return the favor later.
I didn’t know what to tell him since my husband is completely against me covering night shifts, but after my co-worker said the emergency involved his kid I just said, “Okay, no worries; I’ll cover the shift for tonight.” Then I left a message for when my husband returned home to tell him I left for my shift.
He returned at 11 pm and called me at work and was so angry asking what was going on. I explained my co-worker had an emergency, and I was covering his shift for him, and he went off saying I had no right to go behind his back and do that (accept the shift without consulting him ’cause he was going to say no).
I tried calming him down and told him about my co-worker’s situation hoping he’d sympathize, but he said that the people I work with are jerks and are taking advantage of me and that their emergencies are none of my concerns and demanded I get home right then, but I said no because why not just get this shift over with since I’m already there?
I tried telling him to relax, but he hung up the phone.
When I returned home, he was awake and waiting. He was still pretty angry and said because of me, he stayed up all night then went on about how I was prioritizing my co-worker’s wants over his thoughts and opinions.
I said it wasn’t a big deal really, but he argued that to him, it sure was and reminded me we had a rule, and this was not what we agreed on when he agreed that I start working and said I disrespected the one condition he had, and the least I could’ve done was consult him.
But his answer was already a “no.” I apologized for causing him unnecessary stress over this, but he kept saying I had no respect nor any consideration for him whatsoever then stopped talking to me all together saying until I recognize what I did wrong and guarantee not to do it again, but I really think he overreacted.
My husband is unemployed and hasn’t worked since the tragedy. He is currently spending his inheritance. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m so sorry for your tragic loss. I think getting a job and finding a new focus was a really healthy thing for you to do, and I’m shocked that your husband is being so controlling that he thinks you need his permission to help a colleague by covering their shift.
Your husband sounds like a bully who likes the idea of having you exclusively at his beck and call. You shouldn’t have needed his permission to apply for a job, and you don’t need his permission to pick up an extra shift. It’s one thing to let him know out of consideration, quite another for him to feel he can veto it.
Unless there is some massive back story we’re missing, I would be encouraging you to think about how healthy your relationship really is. And you deserve a partner who is prepared to support and encourage you, not keep you caged at home and only allowed out on his timetable.” QueenGuinevereKitten
Another User Comments:
“At first, I was gonna say YTJ because, personally, I think taking a night shift after losing a child could be detrimental to the husband and would be worth discussing (but obviously, it’s still not his decision).
But then you said he “let you work,” and he “allowed you to work under certain exemptions” and then you explained how he reacted.
These are all huge red flags.
He lost a kid and likely feels out of control and so he’s trying to control you instead. Talk to him about this, and if he isn’t receptive, go spend some time at your parents’ for a week or something.
Give him time to clear his head and come to his senses (and if he doesn’t come to his senses, he won’t, leave).
NTJ.” labree0
15. AITJ For Kicking Out My Friend With Nowhere To Go?
“2 years ago, my (26F) friend (27F) moved in with me, with no set end time and no specific lease or arrangement either.
We were friends, and I liked having the company. She does not have a job but is a freelancer, which for her is very, very little income and very inconsistent.
So half the problem is, she barely pays any rent. Some months, I’m lucky to get 1/2 the amount of rent due from her and nothing these last couple months because she has no income (and she owes me thousands of dollars in back-rent).
The other problem is she doesn’t do enough to keep the place tidy. Like at the very least, if you’re not paying rent, you could make sure things are always super clean, right?
But, no, she doesn’t.
So her life options are to stay with me or go move in with her parents, several hours away who live in the middle of nowhere, meaning she is housebound when there as she doesn’t drive and no public transport.
She likes to visit her parents but hates staying there.
But I don’t know how much more I can deal with her lack of rent and lack of help. Occasionally when I push, she’ll get some things done around the house, but often it’s not done as I would have liked (table still dirty after wiping, floor still dusty after being vacuumed, not noticing food stuck on dishes and putting them away, etc.).
The lack of job or freelance activity is due to her ADHD and other neurodivergent behavior, which I understand and am sympathetic to. Mental illness is difficult to deal with, and you can’t just snap out of it.
Sometimes she spirals into depression and just lies in bed for days at a time or spends 3/4 of waking hours playing video games.
So I know ADHD and especially the lack of executive function is difficult to have, and it’s not her fault, but I can’t keep living with it.
It makes me feel like a jerk for kicking her out to go live somewhere she hates. And she’s not going to get better or accomplish things there either. Would I be the jerk if I do kick her out?”
Another User Comments:
“Nope. I have ADHD. I work and pay my bills just fine. Even in my youth when I was getting established, I worked 2 or 3 jobs to survive.
Did I screw up and forget things and have trouble focusing and sometimes get in trouble at work? Yup. But I kept pushing through. ADHD is not an excuse for laziness.
Too many people use their neurodivergence as a crutch. Plenty of people with ADHD work even if they have struggles. Your friend is taking advantage.” variant123456
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Not going to lie, I was a bit upset at the title at first. But I have this same issue with one of my roommates. I have ADHD, so I get not being able to stop and clean every day myself.
But I have a roommate who I constantly have to remind to do things – take your dishes to the sink/rinse/put in the dishwasher, take out the trash when it’s full and stop overfilling it, if the dish is dirty when you take it out of the dishwasher then handwash, stop leaving beard trimmings in the shared sink, etc.
It wears on you. So hard. Missing a month of rent and playing catch up is one thing, but to not pay rent for months is crazy. Especially because I assume you’re not only paying for rent yourself but shared toiletries, food, cleaning supplies, etc.
If you are concerned about how they will react and feel offense toward their neurodivergence, you may consider giving them a heads up like. “Hey, if you don’t start paying rent/cleaning up routinely/etc by xyz date, we may need to look for other options for you that may be a better fit.”” aveneline
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are no longer her friend helping her out; you are her caretaker who has taken full responsibility for her. While you may be sympathetic and understanding of her mental illness, you don’t have to just accept it because she doesn’t want to live with her parents.
Mental illness can be crippling, but it doesn’t seem like she’s doing anything to even try to make it better. She doesn’t have to change because you’ve been there to save her.
You’ve done more than enough. I would tell her that you are no longer going to carry all the weight and either she tries to get help and makes an honest effort at it or she has to go.
She’s hiding behind her mental illness and using it as an excuse for her behavior, and that’s just not ok, and it’s not your problem. If she doesn’t want to move to her parents’, then she needs to learn some ways to cope and function in the world.” NoTechnology9099
14. AITJ For Not Letting My In-Laws Stay The Night At My House To Catch An Earlier Flight?
“I hate having people in my home. Hate it with a passion. I’ve always hated people in my space in general to where my bedroom was an off-limits zone, period.
I don’t have people over to “entertain” them, never did sleepovers as a kid, just altogether, screw that.
There’s no abnormal psych behind it. I’m not remotely introverted; I just hate it.
It took me a long time to let my now-husband into my apartment when I lived alone, and he’s always been very respectful. He also feels pretty similar, but it’s more a “creature of habit” thing for him.
We live about 30 minutes from the largest airport in my state, and my in-laws live about 3 hours away. Oftentimes, they’ll meet us for dinner or something nearby on their way to/from their flights.
Well, there’s now a big stink because my father-in-law and mother-in-law asked to sleep over, so they could get a good night’s rest before heading off to wherever they’re traveling for Thanksgiving.
I said no without an explanation. They asked again closer to the date, “Are you sure it won’t work?” and I said no again.
My mother-in-law asked me AGAIN, now that we’re just a few days out.
She asked why, if we had guests, and I just said, “We don’t have the space.” She was put out by this and got angry and asked what the big deal was; it was just one night, and it would save them a lot of hassle.
My husband took over and said no, that we aren’t a makeshift hotel and to please stop asking. He then said that we just don’t like having people over, period, and it’s nothing personal.
The “nothing personal” line really made my mother-in-law mad, who is now making a big stink up and down social media with all the “in my day” and “I would NEVER,” which is totally fine because SHE DOESN’T MIND IT, OBVIOUSLY.
AITJ?! For goodness sake, a hotel nearby isn’t going to be more than $150, and it’s not like they’re low on funds.”
Another User Comments:
“I’m not going to say that you are the jerk, because it’s your space, and your boundaries to set.
I will say that I would feel like a major jerk if I couldn’t bring myself to offer a little hospitality to family or friends that would make their lives a little easier.
Sure, they could stay in an airport motel, but maybe they actually wanted to spend time with their beloved child and his spouse. I guess they won’t make that mistake again.” ResidentOldLady
Another User Comments:
“YTJ only in how you answered. You don’t have to let anyone stay at your home if you aren’t into it, but you and your husband were unnecessarily rude with how you answered. You would not be a jerk had you said: Mother-in-law, unfortunately, we simply don’t have any space for you to stay here, but there are some nice, inexpensive hotels near the airport such as [name one].
We would love to see you for dinner if you do decide to stay in town that evening before your flight, so please let us know.” Unable-Bat2953
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Nobody is obligated to give anybody anything; this is true, but in the real world, if you would not do a reasonable favor for family or friends, you are a jerk.
Everybody needs a favor or help sometimes, and we need to rely on the people we love. So, technically, it is within your rights to not allow your in-laws to spend the night, but that doesn’t mean you’re not still a jerk.
Now if you had a problem with your in-laws, or they were hostile towards you it would be different, but that doesn’t seem to be the case here.” Lola-the-showgirl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t have any obligation to allow anyone in your house if you don’t want to. The fact that your husband agrees with you and stood up for you shows me that your stance on guests in your home is not new, and your in-laws should be aware of that.
There’s nothing wrong with them asking once, but after you declined first, then they turned into TA by asking again. You are not obligated to do something that makes you uncomfortable to accommodate someone else.
I don’t like people in my space either. I get a lot of anxiety when people do have to come over. I also grew up learning not to impose on people for my own convenience, even if it’s family.” macaronicat16
13. AITJ For Not Wanting To Bathe My Grandpa?
This can be all kinds of awkward, especially for a 20-something-year-old girl. Just saying.
“Back in July, my grandpa sadly underwent a stroke, and part of it was paralysis.
He also has a hard time communicating, eating, and having bowel movements.
Considering all that, my mom hired a home nurse, and she was pretty amicable and helpful and monitored grandpa’s progress.
However, mom felt like it was a waste of pocket money to hire a nurse when I could help him out.
At first, I agreed because I would love to help grandpa get around, feed him, etc. However, she also wants me to bathe him, and this is not something I am comfortable with.
He also has bowel accidents, but that is alright because I work with children part-time, so I am immune to that.
So I asked mom if she could take over the bathing aspect of it, and Mom was reluctant to do so herself.
She says that it is apparently inappropriate for her to do so because it is her own father. I told her I feel the same; the familiarity makes it all the more awkward and uncanny.
She just keeps ignoring me when I relay this to her and forces me to bathe grandpa. I feel very uncomfortable and disgusted by this. On one side, I am torn apart by Mom’s relentless criticism, and on the other, I feel stubborn for not wanting to bathe grandpa.
I am also planning to move to my friend’s house temporarily if she keeps forcing me like this. My father too has been scolding me saying it is what I am supposed to do and that culturally we are supposed to take care of the sanitation and other basic care of the elderly.
He then asked me if I would behave the same when he is old, and it is my duty to take care of him when he is frail and sick.
I agree with that to an extent, but how is hiring a home nurse NOT helping; why must I be the one doing the bathing?
AITJ here, or are my concerns valid?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If there are aspects of taking care of him that neither of you want to do, then a nurse isn’t actually too expensive, since they provide a service you’d be willing to hand off to someone else.
You can probably hire one to come in for a few hours every few days to do things like this and then handle the rest yourselves.” Hi_Im_Dadbot
Another User Comments:
“Lots of weird double standards here, don’t you think? Your mom can’t be bothered to do this for her dad, but you’re expected to do this for her dad and yours?
Or maybe your dad should bathe grandpa, or is this only a woman’s job?
So much contradictory self-serving logic on your parents’ parts.
NTJ – move the heck out. It is wildly unfair of them making you do something they don’t wanna do their darn selves!
And all because they don’t want to spend a cent to hire a nurse.” Libba_Loo
12. AITJ For Taking Away My Daughter's Thanksgiving Present For Not Eating What My Wife Cooks Her?
I think the daughter and the stepmom should start planning and cooking meals together.
“I’m (40’s) a father of 2 kids (son 14 and daughter 16). I recently got married to my wife Molly who is a great cook, and she has been cooking for me and the kids in the past few months.
However, my daughter doesn’t like all the meals Molly cooks and sometimes cooks her own dinners. Molly, as a result, would get hurt thinking her food isn’t good enough. She confided in me about how much it bothers her to see my daughter decline her food and cook by herself.
I’ve talked to my daughter to address the issue, and she said she appreciates Molly’s cooking, but naturally, can not be expected to eat everything she cooks. I asked her to be more considerate and try to take a few bites here and there whenever Molly cooks to avoid conflict since she’s very sensitive.
My daughter just nodded and I thought that was the end of it.
Last night, I got home from a dinner meeting with a few co-workers and found Molly arguing with my daughter.
I asked what’s going on, and Molly told me my daughter said no to the dinner she cooked and went into the kitchen to prepare her own dinner as if Molly’s food was less than.
I asked my daughter to come out of the kitchen and please sit at the table and eat at least some of what her stepmom cooked, but she refused, saying she’s old enough not to eat food she doesn’t like and pretend to like it just like I wanted her to, to appease her stepmom.
I told her she was acting rude and had her turn the oven off and told her no cooking for her tonight and asked her to go to her room to think about this encounter then come back to talk, but she started arguing.
That is when I punished her by taking away her Thanksgiving gift that her mom left with me (we both paid for it), and she started crying saying it was too much and that she didn’t understand why she was being punished. Again, I asked her to go to her room to cool off, but she called my in-laws (her uncle and aunt) who picked a huge argument with me over the phone saying my daughter is old enough to cook her own meals, and my wife should get over herself and stop picking on my daughter, but Molly explained she just wants to make sure my daughter eats well and that she cares; otherwise, it wouldn’t hurt so bad.
My in-laws told me to back out of the punishment, but in my opinion, this was more than an issue about dinner, and I refused to let them intervene and hung up.
My daughter has been completely silent and refuses to come downstairs.
To clarify, the gift, which is an iPhone, was supposed to be for my daughter’s birthday 2 months ago, but due to circumstances, we couldn’t celebrate nor have time to get her a gift, so her mom wanted her to have it on Thanksgiving.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You took away your daughter’s late birthday gift because she had a food-related conflict with your new wife. C’mon, you knew this was the wrong response.
I don’t think it is unreasonable to expect household issues coming up when a new spouse is in the mix, but you seem to go straight to finding your daughter at fault, with only a few questions asked. And I have to ask (because you wrote it), which is: Are your wife’s feelings hurt, or is she concerned about your daughter’s nutritional needs?
Listen, what is wrong with sitting down with both of them and figuring out a path forward about working as a family so that your wife and your daughter communicate about dinner plans?
And I have to admit a little bias, here – a 16-year-old who is willing to cook her own meal if she wants something other than what your wife cooks, instead of throwing a fit about what is served, and so long as she is not being rude or offensive about it, is not a bad thing.
You have two teenagers. There is bound to be conflict-related to this new family dynamic. But the feelings, needs, and wants of your kids are – at the very least – as important as your wife’s.
These are people whose brains are not yet fully developed, and who need guidance, understanding, and good examples to help them get to adulthood. They say that the human brain is not fully developed until around age 25, if I remember correctly.
I also have two questions:
-What does your ex-wife think of this punishment?
-Not intending to offend, but how old is your wife?
I hope you can resolve this issue so that all four of you can peacefully co-exist.” Apprehensive-hippos
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You move a new adult into the house with your teens. Where they used to have some autonomy now it’s Molly’s house, Molly’s kitchen, Molly’s rules.
I’m guessing your daughter did at least some meal prep before Molly moved in, am I correct? Now it’s Molly’s way or the highway? Do you have any idea how hard it is for kids (especially teens) when a new adult moves into their home and has more say about what happens than the teens?
It is so common for the new adult to try to exert authority in stupid ways and take away autonomy from the kids because they have some fantasy about how it “should be.” You and Molly made a choice to get married and make a massive change in their lives.
Your kids had no choice. They are forced to adjust to keep a relationship with the father they love. You are showing them it isn’t worth making the adjustment.
No one is telling you to let your kids walk all over Molly, but this was a complete non-issue that Molly blew up instead of handling it like the adult she is supposed to be.
Molly comes off as a little girl who got upset because someone ruined her game of “playing house” instead of an adult who understands that a 16-year-old is not a 2-year-old.
Your daughter had to reach outside of your home to get help because you and Molly were being completely unreasonable. Why isn’t this a wake-up call for you?” Corpuscular_Ocelot
11. AITJ For Not Forgiving My Dead Father?
“So a bit of context. Where I am from, arranged marriages are super common. They also followed very conservative and traditional practices (i.e. women didn’t get much of a say on who their partner would be, divorce was a taboo, and marriage was primarily for reproduction; you rarely married for love.) My mother was forced into marrying my father at a young-ish age (20), and from the get-go, there were many problems.
They became parents to my first sister (F35) after 6 years of marriage (primarily due to societal pressure) and then had my other sister after 4 years (F31) and I was an accidental pregnancy (F29).
My father was very upset that he had three girls (again, girls are considered burdens) and no son to continue the family name. My mother was a stay-at-home mom, and her parents had passed away by then, so she decided to stay in the marriage for the three of us.
As a result, he despised us- particularly me as I was unplanned, and he really wanted a boy. He did the fatherly duties like paying for our education and taking care of our medical expenses and food expenses (though my parents often fought as he provided her with very little income to survive on).
He barely spoke to us, would get annoyed with us for small things, and even call us names. He was so absent in our life that he didn’t know which grade we studied in or what some of our fears were.
We never went on family vacation; my mom would take us on a few of them by selling her jewelry. He liked my sisters – as they were more academically inclined and used to top the class whereas I was an average student (I would still be in the top 10 out of a class of 40), and I was really close to my mom.
He would belittle me over my academic failure and insult me for wearing short clothes even while I was in college. He once said, “If you wear such short clothes, you will get attention from boys – and don’t cry later if anything bad happens to you.” He forced me to do a course in college which I didn’t want to do but had no choice and would never talk about any of my accomplishments with his friends and the other family members.
By now, I was used to not having him in my life, but it still hurt that he disliked me so much.
He fell sick while I was in college and never really recovered. As a result, he spent a lot of time in hospitals, and I would visit him as I felt bad for him and did feel that he suffered too much.
He passed away after fighting for 5 years, and while I did feel bad, I never could bring myself to forgive him. He was a terrible husband to my mom (though she took care of him day and night when he was sick and never once left his side) and was never around for his family.
My sisters have forgiven him whereas I still speak about how unfair he was to us and what a terrible father he was to us, but I just can’t, and they have been calling me the jerk for not moving on.”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t know.
You’re from the Middle East; I know family names are important, but so what? You’re dead anyway; why do you care?
Your dad seems like a typical man: always wanted a son, too harsh on his daughters, works really hard, earns just enough income but not that much.
He seems a good man but a bad dad, and that too short stuff, I agree with him; you don’t know how boys think. If some lack morals or don’t fear the law, they’ll do anything, including assaulting women, and typically, the perfect victims are not those who wear wide robes; no, it’s the short skirt girls because they know for a fact the society will blame the girl, and your rights will be lost.
You can still continue to not like him, but just try to understand why he did it. I hate my father too; he got cancer and died while I was 6, left me alone in a literal war zone with nothing at all yet, I don’t let him affect me.
I don’t say good things about him or bad things; he is just a name stuck behind mine.” Dark_solder18
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Death doesn’t magically erase being a bad person.
You have no obligation to lie about how you feel.
That being said, I would argue you are being a jerk to yourself if you are allowing some dead guy who was a bad person to ruin your relationship with alive people you care about.
In a battle of feelings, both you and your sisters are right, so there will never be a “winner.” What you really need to ask is if disliking your father is worth causing friction with your sisters.
Is it fair that you would have to concede? No, hence NTJ. But is this the hill you want to die on?” Judgemental_Panda
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You took the brunt of his poor behavior, and it’s not up to anyone but you to decide when you should forgive him.
But I would suggest some therapy here. The man is gone, and I think you need an outlet that isn’t biased because they got treated better.
Next time your sisters tell you to move on, just shoot two examples of how they got treated better and how they can’t talk unless they were in your position in that scenario.” Latter-Ad-4065
10. AITJ For Not Giving A Random Stranger A Ride At 4 AM In The Park?
“I (M) just got back home about an hour ago from trying to view a lunar eclipse at a local park with a friend (F).
(It was cloudy so didn’t work out too well.) As we entered the park, we only noticed one other individual pacing around the entrance, but we didn’t make contact.
As we were leaving the failed viewing, the same guy walked up to us asking for a ride, I think he said to the nearest open store, and something about change.
I misunderstood and thought he was asking for change for a ride to the nearest store (failing to account for the fact that there would be nothing for him to spend the change on for a ride since all public transport was closed/he didn’t seem to have a phone, or he would just Uber or something), and just dismissed with a (factual), “Sorry, I don’t have any change on me.” He clarified that he was actually offering to pay me with change to get him to his destination.
Since I had my friend with me, I didn’t quite feel comfortable giving him a ride (neither did she) and made a remark that oh, I’ll just drop my friend off and come back to give you a ride (not intending to take his change, just to help a guy out).
He didn’t seem to quite like this and made a comment more along the lines of, “If I’m suspicious, wouldn’t it be better to give me a ride with a witness?” (probably referring to my friend), which I found to be a weird reason but okay.
I looked at my friend, and she was giving me a nononono stare, so I just started getting on the car saying sorry but no can do, but I’ll try to head back after I drop her off (still fully intending to).
And finally, as I was driving away, he said in a louder voice, “If you don’t come back, I’ll flatten your tires the next time I see your car!” …what the heck?
(I also figure now that I’m writing this that he probably saw my plate# as I was leaving).
I was weirded out and stopped to just make an off-hand comment that “Hey man, that’s not really the way to make me feel better about coming back,” to which he said something like, “Then you better come back.” I drove off after that.
During the ride home, my friend was saying how weird it was and that I should have just left immediately, but I still felt bad for the guy and wanted to at least help the guy out.
She gave me this look like I was crazy and that it would be very dangerous and cried while making me promise not to go back there. I relented but still wanted to help the guy out if possible.
I tried dialing the local non-emergency police line to see if they could do something about the guy. I mentioned everything including the threat at the end, and they said they “don’t do rides” (referring to I guess giving the guy a ride wherever he needs).
So yeah, now that I’m writing this, it sounds like it’s raining outside, and hopefully, the guy can find some cover at the park until public transport resumes around 7 am.
Just felt bad about telling the guy I’d come back for him but promising not to, to my friend.”
Another User Comments:
“Parking lot guy needs to read, “How to win friends and influence people.” I’m pretty sure threatening to flatten the tires of somebody if they don’t give you what you want is not recommended.
I would have driven away, never to return. Your friend has more common sense than you do. Listen to her. You have no obligation to parking lot guy. NTJ.” LuvMeLongThyme
Another User Comments:
“In my opinion, YTJ for talking too much to a dangerous person at 4 AM while your friend was clearly uncomfortable. You put her in a weird situation.
It’s like you haven’t lived in a city before or something.” iwanttoquitposting
Another User Comments:
“Um, what time was the lunar eclipse in your area?
He managed to get to the park for it, and he can leave the same way he came.
“If I’m suspicious, wouldn’t it be better to give me a ride with a witness?” And what’s a witness going to do if he has a gun and abducts you both to meet up with an accomplice?
Both of you would have ended up hurt or murdered.
Please listen to your friend- do not give strangers rides at 4 am. It’s sad that he might have had to wait in the rain until public transportation was running again, but he should have taken that into consideration before he came out to view the eclipse.
You don’t even know if what he was saying was true- it could have been a ruse just to steal from you- especially since it sounds like he wasn’t in the park looking at the eclipse but waiting at the entrance.
I still felt bad for the guy and wanted to at least help the guy out. She gave me this look like I was crazy and that it would be very dangerous and cried while making me promise not to go back there.
I relented but still wanted to help the guy out if possible.
Stop feeling sorry for strangers and listen to your female friend. As a male, you generally aren’t thinking about your safety all the time and figured that you would help out if you could.
But don’t you think that it is weird that a man who was not even watching the eclipse in the park was so insistent that you should drive him somewhere and even threatened you when he didn’t get his way?
Why are you ignoring the huge warning bells that are saying that this man was up to no good? You can be abducted, robbed, assaulted, and killed, even if you are a man.
Don’t feel sorry for not helping a sketchy man.” PanamaViejo
9. AITJ For Raising My Voice At Somebody Else's Kid?
“We have Sunday brunch with my wife’s side of the family every week. My son (4-years-old) and daughter (2-years-old) play with their cousins out in the garden.
My sister-in-law’s son is a 4-year-old built like an 8-year-old and has a temper. He tends to strike out on those weaker than himself. His mother and my wife are not on the best of terms, something that hasn’t impacted me much, to be honest. His father is a 6’4″ mechanic who doesn’t say much and always seems relaxed. My nephew plays alone cause he cannot share, and he’s a bully which the other kids don’t give him the opportunity to exert.
Granted, he is 4, and he is obviously a product of how he is parented and can be forgiven for many things, but violence towards others is a major thing for me.
Location: Kitchen facing out onto a long back garden divided by a foot and half wall.
The events: All the adults are having tea and pastries in the kitchen. My father-in-law and I are the only ones looking out into the garden.
My nephew was told off by his parents a short while back for something and was sulking up against the wall that divides the garden so facing away from us.
Head down against the wall. My daughter at the bottom of the garden approaches him from above looking to see if he is okay (I assume it’s a good 70 feet away).
She bends over to see his face. What she sees on his face scares her more than I have ever seen fear on her face, and she begins to run away further up the garden.
My nephew jumps the walls and chases her down about 10 feet from the wall, and with some rage, he pushes her to the ground.
As soon as I saw him chasing her, I jumped and ran straight towards her.
I don’t remember how I got there, but suddenly I was there and I picked up my screaming child, and my nephew was walking away. Not sure of the volume or intensity of my voice, but the message was clear.
“We don’t hit!” and I remember pointing my index finger at him while repeating, “You don’t hit or push!” At which point, a shout from the other end the kitchen end, “Hey!” It was his father.
I met him halfway back to the kitchen. He said, with pure anger in his voice, “He’s not your kid; you don’t…” not sure how he finished that sentence. I said, “I’m done talking to him; you go to him now,” no aggression in my voice.
Just wanted to get back to the kitchen.
Immediately, I felt remorse for raising my voice to the kids, which I assume I did. My nephew and his family were packed up and left before we could speak again.
A few hours later, once my stress levels dropped, I sent a message to my nephew’s father saying this: “Hi, I just wanted to apologize for earlier. I was upset at how hard I had saw him push Zoe and that she was hurt, but it’s no excuse for me raising my voice at someone else’s child.
I’m sorry.” He saw the message a minute after it was sent and has never replied. I have seen him since, but he remains quiet and short with me.
AITJ for firstly raising my voice to someone else’s kid regardless of the situation? And do you think my apology was enough?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My mom’s family is like this.
They never discipline their own kids or allow anyone else to intervene. One cousin in particular would always lean into my bassinet and scream at me until I cried and then he would run away laughing.
My dad was not allowed to stop him, but once, when no one was around, he told my cousin, “Don’t. Ever. Do. That. Again.” And scared the crap out of him.
Through the years, that cousin ended up hurting the littler kids at pretty much every family event. But never me because my dad intimidated him and it protected me. To this day, I can’t remember one time that that cousin injured me “accidentally,” but all my other cousins got hurt.” thefantasticmrhux
Another User Comments:
“YTJ… You’re a son of a witch! Why did it matter he was a 6’4” mechanic? You allowed your 2-year-old daughter to lean over a wall to speak with someone?
Doesn’t a two-year-old require more supervision? Your 2-year-old has the verbal skills to communicate if the boy was okay? Basically, this is your fantasy about picking the father in his place?
This story isn’t plausible.” Early_Equivalent_549
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and never apologize. His kid’s bad news and knows right from wrong obviously, and I’d keep my eye in him no matter what.
If his dad doesn’t like it, then he should raise his son better. Never not stand up to a bully, and always put your foot down. People-pleasing not allowed.” MermaidMedia
8. AITJ For Giving My Friend A Negative Job Reference?
I mean… She was being honest.
““Katie” and I were friends for 5 years. Being chronically ill, she often flaked on plans when her sickness was bad. I was always understanding about that, but it wasn’t the only time she would flake.
She would also flake, oftentimes because her anxiety was too much or because she just didn’t feel like it anymore. All last minute. If the flakes were for group things, I would have to be the one to break the news because she didn’t bother to tell anyone else.
I always tried to be understanding since something or the other would always be going on with Katie, and I didn’t want to pile onto her existing stress. But eventually, enough was enough, and I tried to talk to her about how I felt.
It didn’t go well, even though I tried to be calm and do it in private.
She blew up at me and told me she had more pressing issues to worry about than missing a bunch of stupid get-togethers I plan all the time and wouldn’t hear me out the one time I decided to say something after 5 years of being understanding.
That was a while back. Present-day, I get a call from someone who says Katie put me down as a job reference (we met at an old job and used to do this for each other).
I didn’t want to exactly take the high road since I was and am still hurt, but I also didn’t want to lie or sabotage.
I said something along the lines of, “I’m sure the quality of her work is impressive, and she does all her work well and on time, but she is prone to missing hours due to her health and would often have to leave work mid-day due to personal issues.” This wasn’t untrue.
There was a pattern of it when we worked together, and she would even tell me when she would do it at jobs thereafter.
Nobody ever followed up afterward, but my partner, despite not being happy with Katie’s behavior, says that this could have been the job that changed everything for her, and I could have at least just left it at, “She did good work when we worked together.”
I thought I was just being truthful, but now I’m wondering if it was a jerk move to say what I did.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I have one of those chronic silent illnesses.
I flake, OP. Trust me when I say that I want to be normal. I don’t want to feel tired all the time or hurt. I don’t want to get anxiety when I am feeling good because I might get an attack if I go out.
It’s very difficult, and yes, it limits you. And worse than that, you put limits on yourself.
What you did is very much jerk-y.
She made the mistake of putting you as a reference, but you are the jerk, trying to ruin someone’s life because they weren’t feeling up to getting a few drinks.” Good-Groundbreaking
Another User Comments:
“Might be harsh, but I’m going to say NTJ. When you were friends, you had an agreement to act as references for each other. Generally, the reason you use a friend as a reference rather than a former manager, etc. is because friends tend to talk up the positives about you while omitting the negatives.
She effectively ended the friendship and then had the audacity to still list you as a reference. As a friend, you obviously wouldn’t mention her unreliability, but she is no longer a friend; she is simply a former co-worker.
I’m sure picking up her slack constantly when she bailed mid-shift was difficult, so why wouldn’t you mention it?” Tai-Frasier
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It was an honest job-related answer to say that she would leave during the day.
Why does Katie still have you down as a reference? She should’ve changed that after she blew up at you. That’s another example of poor decision-making.” Unusual_Swordfish_89
7. AITJ For Telling My Mom That I Won't Be Her Maid?
“I (24f) live with my mother and younger brother (21). For a bit of context, my father was awful to both my mom and my little brother. He would mistreat my brother in secret until my mom found out and put a stop to it, but my mother still holds immense guilt for it which led to her babying my brother.
My mom raised me and my brother very differently, and I basically became a co-parent after we escaped from my father. From the age of 7, I was doing housework, making all the meals for all of us, as well as looking after my brother when my mom was at work or having a depressive episode.
I never once complained right up into adulthood. Now I am 24, working, and still expected to do all the housework and cooking. If I miss the dishes for the day because I am tired from work or ask her to cook a meal, I get a long lecture about how much my mom and brother work compared to me.
We all have jobs and work full time. My mom doesn’t listen to my opinions on anything and will just demand I do things and I’m not allowed to say no. She will text me something like, “We’re going to my friend’s house for dinner,” and if I say no, she will argue with me until I say yes.
However, she never does this with my brother. My brother doesn’t help out with anything around the house, he is always asked for permission first even down to my mom knocking on his bedroom door to enter versus just opening mine and barging in.
My mom makes the excuse that she will ask him to take out the rubbish once a week as if that is a huge help and also say she works too long and hard and “just wants to come home to a clean house.” I will admit I get home before her, but I still work from 6 am to 4 pm.
Today was the last straw when my mom sent me a text telling me how we are going out tomorrow while I heard through my bedroom door her ask my little brother if he wanted to go and politely saying it was OK when he said no. I sent her a long text back explaining in detail how she is completely disrespectful towards me, my feelings, and opinions.
I told her that I have put up with her BS my whole life and she needs to step up and re-evaluate how she views me and go to therapy.
I told her I was done being her live-in maid instead of her daughter and how if she doesn’t change I will move out and not talk to her again.
She threw a fit and left for the night.
My brother blocked me on all social media and my phone number, and I know despite our living in the same house, he will refuse to talk to me until I apologize.
I don’t think what I did was a big deal but I am being made to feel like I did something wrong by everyone. I understand my mother’s trauma and why she behaves the way she does but it is no longer an excuse.
So, AITJ?
I was told to add this in about why I haven’t left yet and why I moved back into my mom’s house after I left, so I will just copy and paste the comment: It’s only been this year I have been able to start working again and I still can’t drive which when you live in the country it makes things 10x harder.
For the past 4 years, I have been housebound due to my epilepsy being uncontrollable and extremely deadly. I was hospitalized more times than I can count due to head injuries.
I stopped breathing, was losing consciousness daily and was unable to receive disability because my government doesn’t see epilepsy as a disability. I didn’t choose to move back home once I got out it was either be homeless and die or move back in with my mom.
Anyone would choose the latter especially when I had my dogs to take care of. On top of this, we are having a housing crisis where I live there are next to no rentals and the price is ridiculous way more than I can afford.
I would have to and I plan to move out of state again where it is cheaper but that means finding a new job. It will take a while but I will do it
UPDATE: I got a very concerned call from my best friend today. Apparently, my mother called him telling him I was acting out and not being myself and she thinks I need help.
I told my friend what actually happened and what has been happening, and he said he will come to get me. So I am packing my things for myself and my dogs, and I am going to his place.
We will work out the rest later, but basically, he said I can live with him. You don’t even understand my relief! I’m crying, and I’m so ready to say goodbye.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re being made to feel like a jerk because everything you said to her was correct, and they don’t like dealing with that reality or the fact that they will have to change if they want to keep you in the house.
How can they get you to stay? Hmmm, maybe if they turn it around on YOU, make you feel guilty for making them feeeeeeel bad (by simply telling the truth and stating your boundaries), they can manipulate you into staying so they can continue their free maid service.
You just need to move out. It won’t get better, and they don’t seem motivated to change in any way.” Legitimate_Essay_211
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I grew up with a toxic mother much like yours.
She was mentally ill, and from the time I was eight or nine years old, I cooked for the family and me and my sisters did all of the housework.
I can remember being up until 3 or 4 in the morning as a ten-year-old doing all of the dishes from Thanksgiving or Christmas while my parents slept. I resented my parents and couldn’t stand them and couldn’t wait to get away from them.
While later in life I developed a relationship with my father after my parents did divorce, I never could get to a point where I cared about my mother. Through therapy, I was able to get to the point where I didn’t hate her, and I could feel some compassion for her, but I didn’t like her and would rarely spend any time around her.
I would suggest that you move out as soon as you possibly can. It is wonderful that you have set some boundaries and told your mother how you felt. She is using you as a maid and would continue to do so as long as you allow it.” milliebarnes
6. AITJ For Telling My Mom That My Opinion Is More Important Than Hers?
“For some context, I’m currently an incoming senior high school student from Asia trying to pick between two different universities. One of them, which coincidentally happens to be my dream school, specializes in STEM (which is what I’m definitely going to take), while the other specializes in Business/ABM.
The only problem with my dream school is that it’s quite far from home (around a 3-hour drive). That’s why a few months ago, I decided to talk to my parents about getting a dorm near there, to which they both agreed.
Fast forward to now, though, my sister, who is about to graduate college, wants to move out to live with my dad who’s in a different area from my mother and me.
This made my mom a little paranoid, and thus, she’s now trying to force me to stay with her and go to the other school I’m not really interested in.
I’m someone with very big hopes for the future (planning to take a STEM course in our national university for college), so hearing that I might not be able to get the best education for the course that I want in the future made me so disappointed.
I even told my mom that I could just wake up super early and commute every day, but of course, she didn’t and wouldn’t allow me to. One night, my mom wouldn’t stop talking about how I “really need to let go of my ambitions” and settle with what’s already near us.
That riled me up a ton, and I ended up telling her that MY future would be the one at stake if I went to the other school that she wants me to go to so bad and that my opinion on this matter is more important than hers.
Of course, she got super, super mad at me and ended up locking herself in her bedroom for the whole night. Afterward, I felt super guilty for yelling at her and even thought about apologizing, but my (closest) friends keep telling me up until now that I did the right thing standing up for myself and that I shouldn’t.
I’m really torn on what I should do. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
As a mother myself, I can say without a doubt your mother is in the wrong for trying to control the trajectory of your life – especially for her own personal comfort.
You’re going to feel guilty because that’s how she wants you to feel, but stay firm in your choices. They’re yours, and you’re right that they are more important than hers.
This is going to be really hard on the two of you because of her attachment and fear issues. I would highly suggest the two of you look at family therapy to work through some of this.
Otherwise, I could see it becoming a longer-term issue.” mizziness
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I hate to say this, but your mother sounds narcissistic.
I understand what you are going through as when I was applying to universities, my mom did the same thing to me, and I ended up going to a university near my home.
Please do not cave under the pressure that your mother is putting on you. At the end of this, it’s your life, and choosing the school you go to can dramatically change your life course.
After all, it is YOUR life, and you should decide what you do for it. You need to put your own dreams, wants, and desires above your mother’s now.
Don’t let her gaslight or guilt-trip you.
Why should your sister get to choose what she does and you don’t?” Beautiful_Tea_3374
Another User Comments:
“Slight YTJ for yelling. Doubt it was necessary. NTJ at all for what was said.
You’re absolutely right and proper for standing up for yourself.” Hairy_Accident_6602
5. AITJ For Asking My Partner To Step Up Financially?
“We’ve been together 8 years, and for the first 7 of those, I was making significantly more than him. We had a system that worked well where we still budgeted off of his income (as in when budgeting for what we could afford in rent/groceries/etc., we acted like we both made his salary) and split regular expenses 50/50, which freed me up to put more into our savings, and I’d cover bigger purchases and expenses.
For example: when we moved long distance and had to buy new furniture, I bought the furniture.
Now our roles are flipped. He got a string of big promotions at work which freed me up to leave the job I’d hated for so long where I had no work/life balance and get a job that I’m a lot happier at, even though I make less.
This was a mutual decision, and we agreed to reverse the roles we had.
It’s been smooth for the most part. Like we had car troubles, and he paid from his account, like I’d done in the past. I want to give him credit because it’s not like he isn’t stepping up at all.
But there are a few things I feel he’s not comprehending. He wants a new mattress (he IS in a lot of pain from ours) but thinks we should split it 50/50.
We have a few other moderate expenses coming that he still wants to split as well. When these things I paid for before.
I still keep track of our finances because I like doing it.
I use You Need a Budget for those familiar. It’s within his budget to cover these expenses. It’s not in mine to split them, which is just like how it was before but the other way around.
I also have student loan payments and a cell phone bill, which he doesn’t have because his parents insist on paying them (he doesn’t like that and is willing to pay himself but lets them because it makes them happy; again, he’s not a freeloader at all).
I just don’t think he realizes how much more I was spending for us over the years when I was the “primary earner,” and I’m having trouble making it sink in.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Some people just don’t get it until they can see it. Can you add up all of what you spent on stuff and just show it to him?
Maybe make some charts or something. He might not realize how much you spent on all the furniture in your house.
Also, didn’t you buy the first mattress? Now it’s his turn.
Just tell him that if you have to split it 50/50, you all can’t afford a new mattress.” Disastrogirl
Another User Comments:
“I don’t quite understand. You have joint savings.
You’ve been together for 8 years. Why does it matter whose income is whose? Isn’t it all ‘yours’ (plural)?
Maybe it depends on the country, but in my country, if you did split up, it wouldn’t matter whose account it was in; it would all be considered belonging to both of you and divided accordingly.” Waylah
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… Honestly, from what you say, he seems like a great guy. He may just not realize the extent of your prior contributions. Layout the facts for him and discuss them.
Communication is the key to happiness.” RoyallyOakie
4. AITJ For Wanting Some Of The Profit Off The House My Parents Are Selling?
“My parents live 8 hours away from me, and in 2018, they decided they wanted to buy a house in my town. I had been living in a downtown apartment and wanted to stay there, especially because I had just gotten a new job nearby and was getting out of an abusive relationship, so I wasn’t exactly stable.
Because my dad is retired, he was not able to get a mortgage approved in his name. So, they got the mortgage in my name.
For a few months, I basically had to plan my schedule around buying the house.
Being there for inspections, signing paperwork, meetings with lawyers, etc. I scrambled to find a roommate, and we moved in, paying the mortgage as our rent. When my roommate moved out, my (now fiancé) moved in.
We were there for just under 2 years and then bought a place of our own just 5 minutes away. We faced a bunch of trouble buying our house because I already had a mortgage in my name.
My parents rented out the house, and because I was close by, I essentially became the in-town landlord. I was the one having to contact tenants about stuff, utility issues, be there for any work and inspections, any issues with the mortgage company and insurance, meetings with the rental company, and had to do any handy work that my parents didn’t want to pay for.
We had a hurricane one summer and my fiancé’s parents, my fiancé, and I spent an entire day cutting up and moving huge dead and fallen trees and rebuilding the fence.
It’s been a frustrating process since I’ve had to spend so much time rearranging my schedule around handling the house and taking care of it.
My parents are now selling the house because they are moving down here and building their own house on the coast. I am heavily involved in the process because everything is in my name.
Meeting with realtors, lawyers, walk-throughs, inspections, signing documents, and everything that comes with selling a house. Luckily, it sold fast, and my parents are making about $100k of profit. My parents have made it clear that we aren’t seeing a cent from the sale of the house even though we feel like we’ve put in a decent amount of time and work for them with the house.
We were hoping they’d give us a couple of grand from the sale, but they say my reward is how selling the house will help my credit score (it was over 800 before they even bought that house), and I should be grateful.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your parents are lying to you. They couldn’t get a mortgage on their own because banks determined they were too big a credit risk, not because “retirement.” They did not earn that 100k by themselves just because of the downpayment.
You earned a big portion of it by being willing to take a risk no other bank would take. You also spent two years paying the mortgage on your own house, and your parents are stealing your fridge from you.
Do not allow them to take $100k home with them. It is yours too.” iwanttoquitposting
Another User Comments:
“The check will be cut in your name. You can do with it what you wish.
The parents have absolutely zero rights to anything. They used your and your credit and are now trying to take all the profit and run. They bought the house as an investment and expected you to do all of the work.
Unfortunately, they NEEDED you, and you don’t need them. You hold 100% of the cards in this, and you need to tell them YOU will decide how much profit YOU will give them for the house you bought and managed. They set you up by using your credit, time, and savings and now want to screw you out of everything.
Don’t give them one red cent until some sort of agreement is signed designating the profit split. NTJ.” babcock27
Another User Comments:
“I agree NTJ, but you pretty much CANNOT get a mortgage in the US if you’re retired. It happened to my mom, and it happened to my in-laws.
Both ended up paying outright, but it still became a big headache.” The_Curvy_Unicorn
3. AITJ For Telling My Mom That She Can't Tell Me How To Raise My Kids Since She Failed As A Mother?
“When my mom found out that I was pregnant, she kicked me out of her house even knowing that I had nowhere to go because my husband’s parents had kicked him out too.
She only decided to help me and apologize when I begged her to help me because I was really sick. I had hyperemesis gravidarum (a severe form of morning sickness during pregnancy), but I didn’t know it since I didn’t have any prenatal control; I couldn’t afford that.
I was weighing 85 pounds at that time, and I was 5’6″, so I was way underweight; that pregnancy almost cost me my life, but she didn’t care. She just wanted me to keep the baby.
She told me that I should keep the baby or that otherwise, I wouldn’t have a place to live because she wouldn’t let me live in her house. So I kept my daughter because I had already been kicked out of her house when she found out I was pregnant, and it was heck, and I didn’t want to live that again.
I never wanted to be a mom at 14. She forced me no matter how much it hurt me being pregnant; that’s why I think she is a failure as a mother.
Fast forward… My (25F) husband (28M) and I decided not to let our daughter (11F) have a smartphone until she’s 13. While at home, she uses my husband’s to watch videos and stuff, and she only uses it for two hours.
Well, lately, her friends’ parents bought them smartphones, and now she asked us if she can also have one because they all have Instagram and those things that we hate that someone her age has, so we told her that she can’t, and we explained to her why.
Of course, she ignored everything we told her, and she was very sad because she obviously wants one, and she literally cried for hours in her room, and my mom (46F) was at my house when that happened, and she started telling me that I wasn’t doing the right thing.
I told her that I was just trying to protect her from that side of the world (you know, the fake beauty standards of social media, predators, and a long etcetera), and she said, “but she’s almost a teenager; she needs to have fun with her friends,” and I ignored her because she clearly missed the point of what I said and I didn’t want to fight, but she kept pushing.
She called me an oppressor for not letting my daughter own a “stupid phone,” and I told her that I wasn’t an oppressor, that I was just trying to be the kind of mother that she could never be to me.
She asked me what I was talking about like she didn’t already know, and I told her that she failed as a mother and that she had no right to tell me how to raise my kids, that if she had known how to raise kids properly, I wouldn’t have an 11-year-old girl now.
She told me that I was being a horrible mother for regretting having my kid, and I told her that she should stop playing the victim, that she is nobody to tell me that I am a horrible mother because she was one too.
She then started crying and saying that she helped me when I got pregnant with my daughter and that a horrible mother would not have done that, and I told her that that was the least she could do after letting me down as a mom.
And I ended the conversation with that, but now my dad and the rest of my family accuse me of being ungrateful to my mom and to them, and I don’t think I’m being ungrateful, just honest. So, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“For the record, I don’t think it’s wrong to limit exposure to social media for an 11-year-old. My kids weren’t allowed to have those programs until they were full-blown teenagers, and even then, there was a very long conversation about appropriate online behavior and the long memory of the internet, impact, etc. That being said, there are apps that can limit access to certain apps and even time management that you could potentially utilize to let your daughter have the phone but not allow Instagram and whatever else you deem inappropriate.
Your mom can offer her opinion (and they’re notoriously famous for doing so), but it’s ultimately you and your husband’s call, obviously.
But am I understanding you correctly when you say that it is solely your mother’s fault that you decided to hook up at ~13-years-old, got pregnant and had a baby?
I feel like there’s a lot of missing info, and we’re not being given enough to go off of. On the surface, yeah, YTJ. I’m willing to amend that judgment if there is some explanation given to how your mom was bad to you, did she significantly help you after you had the baby at 14, if you were somehow mistreated, etc.
Because surface-level reads as though your mom criticized your choice over a phone, and you took the opportunity to tell her she was a terrible mother that pretty much ruined your life by somehow causing you to get pregnant as a teenager.” Tralfamadorians_go
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like things got a bit heated, and you might want to try to talk to your mother at some point, but considering it’s quite literally illegal for your 11-year-old to have Instagram (13 is the minimum age), I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.
You might get her some other electronic if that’s financially feasible? A family iPad or a game system so she doesn’t feel left out? 11 is young to have a smartphone unsupervised, and in this day and age, she’ll absolutely find something you wish she didn’t.
All that aside, your parenting is your business. It’s regrettable that your daughter is taking it so hard, but you’re not a bad parent for trying to protect her.” SunsCosmos
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Only because I agree with the smartphone decision at least until the child turns thirteen. Instagram has been shown to cause harm to kids in studies.
That being said, I think you and your mother should sit down with a therapist and talk things out. There is clearly a lot of resentment, and your child is gonna come in between it eventually if this keeps going on.” spamdg
2. AITJ For Returning The Funds My Future In-Laws Gave Us For Our Wedding?
In her head, she’s just trying to do the polite thing.
“I am getting married to “Adam.” We have an amazing relationship, communicate great, and he is my best friend, but we come from vastly different backgrounds. Adam grew up with extreme privilege, and due to that, we sometimes see things differently.
When we got engaged, his parents “Scott and Marie” gave us a very generous amount of funds to pay for the wedding and hinted that there would be more funds coming when we bought a house.
This was not unexpected. He is the youngest child, so we knew what they had done for their other two. I had a little pause about accepting such a large amount of funds, but I put it in perspective, and it wasn’t that much to them; plus, they wanted to do this for their son.
Recently, my parents hosted a cookout and invited Scott and Marie so the families could meet. Everything was going alright, but my parents are huge drinkers. His aren’t and don’t hold drinks that well, but I guess felt some pressure to keep up.
So Scott got wasted and was much more talkative than usual (I have been with his son for 4 years, and he has never made an effort to get to know me), and he was talking to my dad and said something about where he grew up (low-income government housing).
My dad was shocked and made a comment about how it’s amazing that Scott has come so far.
Now I knew some of the background. Scott grew up dirt poor.
He is brilliant and totally self-made. Someone said it is the best feeling to give your kids everything you didn’t get, isn’t it? Scott then said, “I just wanted my wife to have everything.
She is why I did it, and now there are those bad feelings because I have to give my kids all this stuff, and I’m just like heck no, but then you know she just makes it worth it.” Marie was like aww, like he didn’t just crap all over their kids.
I was floored. I knew Scott was a very cold man. I knew that Adam didn’t have the best relationship with him, but that just shook me to the core.
I didn’t say anything because what is the point when he is intoxicated, but I told Adam I wanted to return all of the funds and have the wedding we can afford.
Adam didn’t get it, but we sat down with his parents. I told them that, and Marie began guilt-tripping about I’m shaming him for his feelings, and people aren’t perfect.
It’s ok that he feels that way because he does the “right thing” in the end. Scott didn’t say much and just rolled his eyes.
I was adamant that all the funds are going back.
The venue we can’t get the funds back, so that is the one thing I will keep, but it is going to be a much smaller wedding, and Adam feels like I’m punishing him for what his dad did, and that it isn’t fair.
He is a huge extrovert, loves parties, and is salty over this. Scott and Marie think I’m being ridiculous, but I just don’t want his funds if he feels that way.”
Another User Comments:
“OP Is the jerk.
Not only is OP reading a whole lot into the man’s intoxicated comment like she’s a psychologist, just because the man’s wife may’ve been his driver that doesn’t mean at an expense to his kids.
Something that concerns me far more is OP’s “I, I, I, I, I,” “I made the decision, I’ll allow this, I’ll keep this because, I feel.” One more “I” from OP, and I think I’ll be committed to poking out her eye.
People, especially parents, don’t have to be perfect, not in the eyes of a potential daughter-in-law nor their own children.
I also don’t understand the unilateral decision-making she makes. And people wonder why 2 out of 3 relationships end in separation, and nearly 1 out of 2 marriages end in divorce.
What happens when “Adam” says shut up, and I’m sick of your holier than thou routine?” Comfortable3099
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Look, a friend of mine once put something similar into perspective for me.
You heard him “crap all over his kids.” Reading what you quoted, what I’m seeing is a man who loves his wife most of all. A man who loves his wife more than his kids.
That is OK. A couple SHOULD love each other the most. He loves his wife enough to yield to her wishes on finances and give his kids more funds than he is comfortable with, like, how is this him hating his kids?
When adult drinks are in the mix, people say stupid stuff. They also don’t tend to say things as elegantly as they would if they were sober. ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE LIGHTWEIGHTS.
You need to chill and be more considerate of your fiancé’s feelings. Making unilateral decisions about something he definitely gets a say in is crappy behavior.” TickledPink83
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Accepting finances as a gift is already a difficult thing and uncomfortable thing. Puts you in a vulnerable with the giver. Finding out that they aren’t actually giving it out of love makes it totally reasonable to not want to accept it.
It’s a decision that OP should consider and make with her fiancé, and not for the fiancé, so OP could be TA for that, but OP isn’t unreasonable to not want to accept the funds.” hi_imjoey
1. AITJ For Asking A Woman If Her Husband Is Single?
I personally think what she did was hilarious!
“My friend and I (21f) moved to a new apartment, and our neighbors are a couple. They’re both in their 30s and own some fitness place from what I recall.
Ever since I met the woman, she keeps bragging about her husband to me. Like at this point, I know more about him than I know about myself. She has told me every single detail: from his fancy job to his accomplishments, to his zodiac sign, to his diet, etc. She also never fails to mention his family background (apparently, he comes from an important family, and she was appalled when I said I don’t know them).
At first, I entertained her but after a while got sick of it. Avoiding her worked well so far. For the record, I don’t come across her husband that much; however, she always seems to be around.
I’ve asked my friend if she experienced this, and apparently, the woman doesn’t do that to her (still confused as to why).
A few days ago, I got on the elevator with my friend and bumped into the woman.
I wear my hair in braids nowadays, and the woman asked me where I got it done…. then told me that her husband prefers her hair and that I’m not his type.
This was a huge W*F moment! I was stunned, and she said that her husband only has eyes for her and never checks out other women.
So at this point, I was angry and jokingly replied; “Wow, your husband sounds amazing!
Is he single?” Well, she was livid big time and literally started yelling at me. Called me a bunch of insults and kept screaming louder and louder. Luckily, my friend managed to de-escalate the situation.
So now my friend thinks I’m a jerk. She says that the woman is nutty anyway and that I should’ve just ignored her remarks. She also says that we’ve now made enemies with a “crazy person” and that I should’ve never stooped to her level.
At first, I didn’t think I was the jerk at all, but now I’m not so sure. Am I really the petty jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but be careful with crazy neighbors, and try to make any other interactions with her short and sweet!
Maybe even just keep headphones on when she is around and act like you can’t hear her or make a fake phone call. Better to avoid than even engage. She clearly is threatened by you and has her own insecurities she is dealing with/projecting onto you.” Boredkitty420
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Was it petty? Yes, but the best and most hilarious response I have ever heard to this type of situation. Epic. I loathe people like that.
It’s clear she already decided you were her “enemy” and “competition” before you even said anything, so I doubt you would have been able to avoid one of her tantrums forever because she likely would not have left you alone.
She has been trying to make you as jealous of her as she is of you with her verbal diarrhea about how amazing her husband is. The statement about your hair (O**G!) is her idea of “putting you down” because in her twisted imagination she thinks telling you her “amazing” husband doesn’t like your hair is somehow an insult as if anyone cares about what some random neighbor dude thinks.
Gag.
Go back to avoiding her. Because I’m petty as heck: if she tries to talk to you again, cut her off and tell her you no longer wish to have conversations with her due to her previous outburst, what you said was a complete joke, obviously since she told you he is her husband, you couldn’t care less about him and you hope they have a long and happy marriage.
Don’t hesitate to report her to the building managers/owners and call the police if she escalates.” Liverne_and_Shirley
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Now here is the reason. You knew she wasn’t rational about her husband.
You live in an apartment, and this is your neighbor. You and your friend will now be a target of that crazy until one of you moves when you have friends over, a dinner party, family members come to visit.
Count on numerous complaints to management and possibly police. I have to ask, is this your first apartment?” MaryAnne0601
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