People Get Defensive In These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
22. AITJ For Kicking Out My Unmotivated Adult Son After He Refused To Clean Up Or Find A Job?
“So, my (42M) adult son( 21M) (let’s call him Owen) has been living in my house for all his life (obviously). My wife, his mother, died in a horrific car crash four years ago when Owen was 17. Since then, we have both been grieving but he has become lazier and lazier.
After he finished secondary school he failed to get into the college he wanted, meaning he had to receive a place at one he wasn’t familiar with the area as it was further away from us. Since he finished college, he’s been living at my house rent-free and without a care in the world.
Every time I suggest to him he find a job, he tells me “I’ll look later!”, when in fact ‘later’ never comes. I supply him with all the food he needs, all his basic necessities for absolutely no cost, and it’s starting to become difficult financially especially after his mother’s death.
Whenever Owen eats something in a wrapper (e.g. chocolate bar, cupcake, etc), he doesn’t bother to get up and go to a bin, but chucks wrappers across the living room in random directions hoping it might land in a bin. This ensures our house is a TOTAL MESS all day, leaving me to clean it after I get home from work, when I am already exhausted.
A month or two ago I told him he had a month to pack his things and get out of my house or find a job. He has done neither. I told him two weeks ago, after the month period expired, that he needs to leave or I would be calling the police as it is a domestic issue.
He told me I was being unreasonable and stupid, but the threat of the police was enough to get him to leave.
As I said, it’s been two weeks since I kicked him out and he’s been texting me telling me he can’t find a place and he’s been couch-surfing and I suggested he move in with his grandparents (which he did after I suggested it).
Owen is now residing at my parent’s house, where he continues to send me texts saying I’m a jerk, that I’m a horrible parent, and he even had the nerve to send me a text that told me to “let him back in because it’s what mum would’ve wanted”.
I was shocked at this message as he knows I am still grieving his mother’s death (as is he) and I am not doing particularly well in that department right now. I blocked his number and cut contact with him, which now I think might be an overreaction as my parents are telling me I’m being a bad father and an awful parent.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Yea to be honest you are. He’s a 20-year-old young adult with no savings whose mother recently died, take some responsibility man you might’ve lost your wife but it sounds like Owen lost both his parents that day considering you decided he was an adult from that moment she died. Now you’re forcing him to live off your parents, who have already dealt with you for however many years and now have to deal with him (because that’s what family does) there’s plenty of ways you could’ve got Owen to get up and sort his life out, like blocking the wifi, locking away sweet food, making him tidy up his own mess rather than threaten to call the police you’re a bad parent man look at yourself.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, kid loses mom and dad doesn’t think that can affect a child in any way. Then when the kid shows signs of something being not right you do nothing. 17yo needs therapy after this and you did nothing for 4 years except kick him out.
Dad of the year right here and don’t act like you don’t know it. I am an uncle and do more stuff than you as a dad And then when he calls you out you block him like a child. You failed in every way of being a dad.
You sent them to your parents like a pet you wanted and then got bored of it. Let me guess your wife did all the work? Now that you have to be a dad it’s too hard for you, he did lose his mom 4 years ago but I bet money he never had a dad in the first place by how you talk.” WhiT8
Another User Comments:
“To all the YTJ voters, did ya’ll actually read the post? He’s 21, finished college and has zero motivation, uses the house as a trash can and decides to use his mother’s death as a weapon. That’s not grief, that’s pure laziness. Should the dad have gone as far to block him and not communicate?
Probably not, but it sounds like his son hasn’t and won’t take responsibility for himself. NTJ.” butrzrulz
21. AITJ For Hiring A Pet Sitter After My Partner Was Noncommittal?
“I have an issue with guilt in general (thanks to religion) but especially when it comes to asking for help. I just don’t feel comfortable inconveniencing others, so I’m the type to ask for very little. I’ve explained this to my partner in the past. We do not live together – we live 30 minutes apart.
I also tend not to ask him for help given past experiences where there have been excuses or last-minute bailouts. For example, I have moved 2x and he has not helped. I asked one of those times if he could be physically present at my old place while the movers worked so I could drive to the new place and get my keys and he told me that it sounded like I was asking him to do a meaningless job so he did not do it.
I’m the pet parent to a senior kitty and a handful of ferals and had plans to visit family for the weekend. The ferals come by at the same time each day – he’s aware of this. My normal go-to’s for pet-sitting I soon learned were unavailable so I mentioned this to my partner early in the week before my trip and stated I may need help if this second sitter I was attempting to contact fell through.
He said okay.
Thursday rolls around and I have no other options – so I ask and he says he can do it. Friday I asked if he could do Sat/Sun between 5-530 and he said that time frame might not work. At this point I’m unaware of any solid plans he has, so I said anytime between 5-6 would be fine and reminded him that the timing is important to me because of the ferals.
He says he’ll have to see. Given that it’s Friday and I’m leaving Saturday I immediately respond that I’ll just find a random sitter on Rover and I’m disappointed because I don’t ask for much. I stated I did not want to spend my day stressing over whether my cats would be cared for while I was gone – and so I thankfully found someone.
He got mad at me for this response and stated I made him feel like rubbish. I reiterated I just needed to get it taken care of and I didn’t have time to stress – at no point did I speak angrily or in a mean way.
He then said he had an appt one of the days at 5 and that I was getting mad at him about not being available for “feeding strays”. I reiterated I just needed to get this taken care of – at no point was I made aware he had a conflict – let’s move on.
It is 3 weeks later and he is still mad about this.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“He should feel like rubbish. It’s either a yes or a no. It’s not an I’ll see. The I’ll see gives him an out if he forgets or just cannot be bothered (not sure which one I’d opt for).
And the appointment – complete BS. He’s just trying to beef up his position. NTJ” East_Parking8340
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like he’s unsupportive – and it also sounds like you don’t ask him for help because you know his answer is probably going to be no. This might be a bigger issue than just this incident.
You deserve someone who wants to support and help you, not someone who treats you poorly for getting help that they refused to provide.” Helpful-Register7177
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You deserve to be with someone who cares about you as much as you care about them.
It doesn’t seem like you’re in a relationship like that and I hope one day you’re able to experience what it’s like to be able to count on your partner to have your back. I don’t think you’ll ever experience that if you stay with this dude.” Comfortable_River808
20. AITJ For Being Blamed When Our Son Gets Hurt While I'm At Work?
“For context, I’m 33yr (M) who has a job in a company where the flexible work-home arrangement policy has shifted to 2 days a week in the office (8 am start and 4 pm finish), whilst my partner 34 (F) works from home remotely full time.
My partner and I have noticed we argue way more than we did before our son was born.
I’ve acknowledged this as a challenge of entering parenthood but try to compartmentalise each issue we experience because over-reacting just feels dramatic.
Now that our son is a full-blown toddler almost going into his “threenager” phase so I understand times ahead will be tough for us but I know he is still developing whilst trying to be super independent.
It’s something I’ve come to feel frustrated but do love it deep down.
I feel that my partner feels the same but she does have harsher reactions than me but understandably to me because she’s giving 110% effort like preparing a yummy healthy snack plate only for our son to pick out one and ask for another plate with different foods.
Again the joys of toddlers.
I’m glad to say because she and I earn comfortable salaries, that we can afford him to go to daycare 4 times a week where I drop him off at 7 am and either I or she will pick him up at 4:30 pm.
To bring this back to the subject heading, I see now that my partner will blame shift when it comes to our son getting himself hurt.
She does it to her mom her immediate family and me. I know she’s very protective of our son but it hurts when I get blame shifted in moments that involve him hurting himself and a) I’m the closest to his location and therefore could have stopped it with flash-like speed or b) guilty of having to drive back home from work with the risk of being stuck in traffic, which means she is on her own to care for him and effectively watch like a hawk.
Eventually, toddlers will win at the end of the day with our son hurting himself jumping from the couch poorly and falling to his small desk, causing a bad scratch under his chin. On that day when I got home, she blamed me for not being there because I got home late at around 5:30 pm and I didn’t help her.
Should mention commuting to and from work (either by car or by train) will take on average an hour.
At the end of the day, I love my partner but I’m living these days on edge when it comes to her and my son who I know will continue to earn his bruises and scratches because that is the life of any growing child.
Appreciate your comments guys.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your wife needs a bit of a reality check (esp because no one wants to be blamed when no blame should be ascribed). Toddlers will fall and hurt themselves. We should also allow them to do so as long as it’s not something really damaging.
They need to grow and learn. As adults we sometimes hurt ourselves – we fall, cut ourselves, etc. It’s one thing to be overprotective and another to be disruptive of normal growing “pains”.” Kami_Sang
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like your partner has a lot of anxiety around your son’s safety and well-being, which is natural – but she shouldn’t be taking it out on you or anyone else.
She’s trying to assign blame to people because otherwise she has to acknowledge that she doesn’t have any control over whether your son gets the odd bump or bruise, and that scares her. I’d suggest sitting down with her and talking this through, as well as suggesting a therapist for her (or the both of you if there are other issues in the relationship).” laughinglovinglivid
19. AITJ For Asking My Partner To Share His Chocolate After I Bought Most Of Our Groceries?
“I (20F) buy my partner(23M) a lot of things, and sometimes he buys me things too— there’s an imbalance though lately. He is from a more well-off family than mine, but we are both college students. Today, we were making spooky hot cocoa together at my place and I bought most of the things for it (apart from the hot cocoa mix which we went halfsies on) I want to be clear, I don’t normally care about who buys what and I don’t care to keep a tally, but lately he brings up when I owe him but never when he owes me so now I do keep track somewhat.
When we were just about done I asked if I could have a piece of the dark chocolate he had. This was great value brand dark chocolate before someone says well was it fancy German chocolate, no. To be clear, I had some dark chocolate too, but he was already opened, and I wanted a piece for the hot chocolate.
He asked why I wanted some because he thought I already had some.
Which is true, I explained that mine was still closed and that I just wanted a piece. However, seeing that he was reluctant I said never mind and then I brought up that I had bought most of the other things and given them easily to him, but when it came to his chocolate he did not want to give me any.
I brought up how I felt like things were inconsistent and he said that he wasn’t saying no that he was just asking why I wanted some when I had dark chocolate. He said he would try to be more giving in the relationship and that he recognized that I had been getting a lot for him lately, but he had not been doing the same.
I was trying to express that I was concerned with the imbalance but hadn’t spoken much yet. He then said he had serious concerns for our relationship because it is terrifying that I would get like this over him trying to say no over something so small.
At this point, I said I was shocked because that was all that I felt at that moment. He then said he knew that I was going to try to spin this on him and that I was not sorry. I told him to please leave.
I’m not sure what to make of this situation because maybe I did overreact over a piece of chocolate, but I don’t know, I have been feeling like there was an imbalance, and at first, I thought he understood that, but it didn’t turn out that way.
Anyway, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He asked why you wanted a piece, and then he was still reluctant to give you one, which caused you to bring up this larger issue, which is that he’s been nickel and diming you but he never seems to remember what he owes you back.
And then he tried to minimize the whole issue by saying that it’s scary that you’ll get this mad over a piece of chocolate. The *whole point* is that it’s not just the piece of chocolate. It’s that you are generous with him and he is stingy with you.
Maybe it’s worth another conversation to see if he genuinely becomes more generous, but if this attitude continues, I’d break up. Life is too short to be endlessly negotiating over $5 chocolate bars.” algunarubia
Another User Comments:
“Why wouldn’t you just say that you wanted a piece for your cocoa?
Just communicate. That’s it. If he does something that irritates you, then tell him. He should do the same. It sounds like all of your relationship problems here are due to a lack of communication (from both sides) and that this was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I don’t know if anyone’s a jerk, y’all just sound young and inexperienced with relationships.” someusernamebruh
Another User Comments:
“Even if it was a fancy German or Swiss chocolate, eff it? I mean, I hoard my sweets like a dragon hoards her trinkets but I’d happily share with my significant other.
So no, you’re NTJ but it seems like you both need to figure out some stuff about your relationship. Money is a delicate topic in many relationships so better start the conversation you will need to have. Otherwise: (not serious) dump him and look for a Swiss dude with chocolate.” Different_Two3047
18. AITJ For Going To A Club After My Partner Said It Was Acceptable?
“When my partner and I got together we ended up talking about things that we wouldn’t accept from the other person eg what we classed as being unfaithful etc.
One of the things my partner mentioned was going to a club.
She said she wouldn’t have an issue with me going to a club and she’d be fine with it but she’d draw the line at getting a private dance.
I told her I’d never really seen the appeal of clubs anyway and that I see paying for dances etc as a waste of funds.
It’s come up a few times in conversation since some of her friends went to watch a male dancer show a relative of mine hired dancers for his friend’s stag do and every time it came up my partner’s opinion remained the same.
It was a friend of mine’s 30th birthday a couple of weeks ago and a group of us went to a different city for the night to go out for drinks.
After a few drinks, my friend wanted to go to a club.
A few of the group wanted to go and a couple of us didn’t but since it was his birthday we all went. Some of them paid for private dances but I stayed near the bar with one of the guys and had a few games of pool.
The dancers were walking around trying to talk people into private dances. The next morning I travel home. My partner asks how the night was and I tell her it was good.
I told her about the places we went and she was fine with it and happy I had a good time and that I respected her boundaries and didn’t get a private dance.
She mentioned it to a friend of hers about the night and her friend immediately started saying how disgusting I was and how my partner shouldn’t put up with it.
When my partner got home she said what her friend said and that she thinks I shouldn’t have gone to the club.
I pointed out she was fine with it until her friend told her she shouldn’t be. I told her she shouldn’t be letting her friend dictate what the boundaries are in our relationship and that she had no concerns at all until her friend had a different view.
My partner just said that her friend said how disrespectful it is what I have done and that I should apologize.
I told her I was not apologizing just because her friend thought I should and that we should be the ones deciding our boundaries, not her friends but she said she thought I was being unreasonable.
AITJ for going to a club?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ But I think perhaps you were a little dismissive of your partner here. Yes, she has consistently said that she would be fine with it under these circumstances, but she *is* allowed to change her mind and want to open up the discussion.
There’s also the fact that up until this point, going to a club has been hypothetical for you and she didn’t find out until after the fact. This is one of those things where you should check in before actually doing it.” coastalkid92
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Boundaries were discussed and respected. It’s fine if she now wants to discuss changing her boundaries, but having you apologize for something that was previously agreed on, no. She might need to take a minute and you probably need to talk about why a single conversation made her change her mind.
I would be uncomfortable with anyone having that much influence over my way of thinking, as her friend has on her.” ML_1190
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Sounds like this is something that’s been discussed in your relationship, and now the goalposts have been moved because of a conversation she had!
Not cool and I agree nothing to apologize for in fact I would mention that it’s hurt you to suddenly be accused of being disrespectful when checking in all along! You only went for a friend’s birthday not like it was your idea …. you went and played pool !” WolvinRose
17. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be Best Friends With My Overbearing Neighbor?
“My neighbor is in her mid-40s and from the East Coast, she’s lived here for a while now (we live in the Midwest).
She was quite friendly, VERY outgoing, and kind of a busybody (knows everything about everyone, knows everyone in the building, etc.) she had no qualms about immediately telling me her life story and decided that I would be her little sister. She’s constantly asking to feed me, to give me things to buy me things, etc. I always say no, mainly because I barely know her, it’s impolite etc. I am a little standoffish with new people and am an introvert which she noticed and pointed out as weird.
I think she thought I was being stuck up. I just told her I’m shy, which is the truth.
She offered me an old couch because I didn’t have any furniture and after saying no multiple times, I gave in and took it so she would stop pestering me and it’d be nice to have furniture.
I offered to pay her for it which she declined because she’s a “good person.” This is where I messed up.
Maybe she sees me as her little project because I’m new or something but the way we’ve interacted in only a month of living here is starting to make me uncomfortable.
Anyway, a few nights after getting the couch she texted me at 1 am and I didn’t respond because I was tired and went back to sleep. I had work in the morning so I forgot to respond to her. Well, she took this as a slight and is now rolling her eyes at me in the hallways and yelling profanities at me because she saw me.
I am confused because I never gave her the impression that I wanted to be best friends with her. But I think she thinks that because she gave me the couch, I now have to say yes to the hanging out that I have always said no to.
The food I have always said no to. I wanted to text her and ask her what I did wrong so I could apologize and explain that I didn’t mean to come off any type of way, but I think she already had/has this idea of me, and it wouldn’t fit her narrative anyway.
That’s all good and well but we are neighbors and she knows everyone in the building. I’ve only ever talked to the maintenance man who I think knows that she’s kind of lonely and keeps his distance. I don’t want her to cause any problems with management or whatever in my safe space.
I like it here so far and don’t want any issues. What do I do? Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – It’s ok not to be her friend, and if she can’t seem to take no for an answer, then she is the jerk, not you.
Just because you accepted her sofa, it doesn’t make you obligated to her in any way. I have a feeling she is overbearing with everyone and takes every imagined sleight as a direct insult. It’s not you, it’s her.” BigBlueD7664
Another User Comments:
“I bet this is a pattern with her.
One that she’s pulled on new people over and over. She’s lonely and has no friends, so she latches aggressively on everyone who moves in, using finely calibrated toxicity to prevent them from maintaining their boundaries. OP, you’re going to have to go scorched earth and offend her in the end – there will be no politer way to fend her off.
So why not cut the circuit short? NTJ.” _s1m0n_s3z
16. AITJ For Correcting My Drink Order Despite My Friends' Disapproval?
“I (22F) don’t drink for personal reasons, but I love the taste of piña coladas. I recently went out to eat at Outback Steakhouse with two friends and saw “piña Koala” on the menu. It was described as a cocktail version of a piña colada with a koala on it.
When the server came, I asked if they could make a virgin piña koala, and she said she’d ask the bar. A few minutes later, someone from the bar came over and said “Here’s a virgin version of the drink” and put it on the table.
It was not a Piña Koala. This was a tall pink drink with a koala rubber duck on it (I later figured out this was their other “Koala” theme drink).
She had already left before I could process that I got the wrong drink.
I looked at it again and said aloud to my friends “This isn’t a piña colada…” One of my friends responded with “It’s okay, at least you got a drink.” I shook my head and expressed that I ordered a piña colada and that’s what I was expecting.
My other friend shook their head in response saying “They went through the pain of making the drink virgin for you. Just be grateful.” I said that I was going to correct them because it wasn’t what I ordered. My friends went back and forth with me for a while insisting that it would be completely rude and unnecessary of me to correct them.
They even suggested I just try the drink and only correct them if the drink was “awful.” I’ll admit I did try a sip of the drink and it was good in its own right, but I wanted a piña colada. They kept reiterating how the bar went through the “trouble” of going out of their way to make a virgin drink for me so I should just be happy they even did that.
Finally, the server arrived and I corrected my order, ignoring my friends. The server was very kind and apologized and had the bar make me a virgin piña Koala.
My friends were so annoyed and irritated with me the whole night. They insisted I was being a “Karen” and should have just stayed quiet.
They said I embarrassed them with my entitlement. I just continued to ignore them. The end of the night was awkward and I’ve been thinking about this incident for a few days now. I normally struggle to correct my orders so being able to do so was a big step for me, but I still wonder if my friends were right and I should have been grateful to receive anything.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Yes, you acted entitled — because you WERE entitled to get what you ordered. That’s why it’s called an order and not a wish upon a star. Of course, people, including servers, do sometimes make mistakes, and part of not being a jerk is not being nasty about it.
But that doesn’t mean you have to take whatever they give you. It means you address the matter politely, and they in turn politely fix the problem. And it seems like that’s exactly what you and the server did. NTJ. Your friends are — and especially so if they know what you’re struggling with.” philautos
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You ordered something, and they said they could accommodate it, and you should expect that. If they couldn’t make it, they should have said so. Accepting the wrong order is a decision someone makes but it is not required. And it seems you were nice about it with the server.
I want what I order and I expect that if the place expects me to pay for it. I’m betting if your friends received something (food, drink, clothing, etc.) other than what they ordered, they would demand it be corrected. They are afraid of a big confrontation.
They will learn to nicely stand up for themselves as they mature.” Ducky818
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for correcting the drink mix but god help the people at the next table who had to listen to this awful back and forth with your friends. And as an Australian why are there pink koalas on drinks?
Koalas are nasty little creatures that bite and smell and are high all the time on eucalyptus leaves. They don’t drink booze but have been known to pee on unsuspecting tourists.” AussieKoala-2795
15. AITJ For Not Letting My Irresponsible Brother Move Into My House?
“I (19F) live by myself. 6 months ago, my mom moved out so she can go move in with her partner. My mom chooses to pay the mortgage on my house(I say chooses because I’ve offered multiple times to take it over but she says no and wants me to save money) alongside buying dog food for mine/her dog(we have 2.
Both were adopted when I was younger but one of them is attached to me and they eat the same food. And they are bonded together so they can’t be separated.) I pay for everything else in my house. She gave the house to me when she moved out since I already was living with her, it’s close to my college campus, etc.
My brother(25M) moved out of my/mom’s house 8 months ago. He has recently ‘fallen’ on hard times. I say ‘fallen’ because I knew this was going to happen. He chooses to buy controlled substances and spend his money on video games instead of paying his bills.
He gets the bare minimum for himself and his daughter(3F, who lives with her mom 90% of the time. He gets her every other weekend). He’s behind on his rent to his apartment and mentioned in conversation that if he gets evicted, he can just “move back to Mom’s house” aka mine.
I’m calling it mine since Mom said she’s transferring the house to me when the mortgage is done. I immediately said no to him moving back in.
My brother is entitled, a terrible roommate, etc. When he was living with my mom and me, he didn’t watch his daughter which led to me having to parent her and I’m not a kid person in general, she’s my niece, I care about her.
But I’m just too busy and don’t have enough patience to deal with it. He has 0 respect for others in the house since he gets high in the house when being asked not to(I have had asthma so smoke is a big no), he gets the munchies and eats everything, so much so that led me to keep a mini fridge in my room so I wouldn’t have to deal with it.
He will also become stagnant if given something too good like free housing and such, like he did with my mom. He moved in with my mom when he was 19 and didn’t have a job or anything between 19 – 24. All he did was play video games and order food with the unemployment he was collecting so I don’t want to deal with that either.
And so much more.
My other brother(M21) and Dad feel like I’m being a jerk because he could be homeless for a while and not be able to spend time with his daughter if he gets evicted.
My mom has 0 opinion on him moving back in and says it’s up to me since I’m the one living there and the house is mine besides it legally being in her name.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You said your mother has no opinion on the matter, so it’s up to you. You already know what life will be like if your brother moves in, and I can’t blame you for not wanting that. And, let’s face it – once he gets in, he’s not going to leave and you are going to be stuck with a deadbeat roommate that you are going to have to take care of from here on out.
If your father or other brother is so worried about him being homeless, then perhaps they should take him into their own homes until he can “get on his feet again.” bamf1701
Another User Comments:
“I don’t blame you for not wanting him to live with you.
However, keep in mind he sees it as you “sponging” off Mom. You receive free housing and he wants the same thing. You don’t have a huge argument against him for also wanting the same arrangement. If you truly want to cement the house as yours you need to start paying the mortgage, taxes, and insurance and get on the title.
Until this happens you don’t get to decide. It’s your Mom’s house.” InternationalWeb8763
Another User Comments:
“Technically, it’s not your house as long as it’s in her name. That’s something you might want to fix. When is the mortgage paid off? It could be decades in the future.
But she’s on your side. NTJ for refusing to house a brother with such a terrible record. You’d have such trouble getting him out again once he got a foot in the door. Tell your other brother and your father they can take him in, or he can set up a cardboard box under his overpass of choice, but he’s not living with you.” SavingsRhubarb8746
14. AITJ For Giving My Friend A Bill After Hosting Him For 10 Days Without Him Contributing?
“A friend came to visit my country for 10 days and stayed with me and my partner. To show his gratitude, he brought us 4 bottles of wine, around €6-8 each.
We drove him for over 1,000km for a few days to take him on adventurous trips around the country.
It’s usually expensive to rent a 4×4 and hire a tour guide here. We were essentially his driver, tour guide, and host. We prepared a guest room for him with toiletries in his bathroom, made all bookings, and prepared camping gear for him.
I thought the wine he brought would even out our “service” for him, and we picked him up at the airport at 4:30 am to be a good host.
However, every time I took out my card to pay for our meals, he sat silently. I was happy to treat him for the first meal or two as a host, but after 6 days (like 7 meals), his silence unsettled me. The same when we had to pay for attractions, gas, or groceries.
No, thank you, no offer, nothing. Just sat silently.
I admit I was never upfront with him about finances. I just assume as an adult in his 30s with a professional job in Germany, he would offer to pay for his share, chip in, or take turns to pay for meals.
He also never mentioned paying us back for the hotels we paid for him. I consulted him on the prices before booking, so he should know he had to pay. He only brought $200 cash here, and his hotels were already over $200. He didn’t seem to plan to pay us back in cash.
I was antsy. He also rented a sedan for city sightseeing in between but the car rental was at the airport. We gave him a ride to the airport at first, and he hinted he wanted more rides from us to take him home after he dropped off the car, and a ride to the airport for his 4:20 am flight.
I told him to take a taxi, it was less than €6.
On his last day, a few hours before he flew, he still mentioned nothing. We presented him with a bill for his hotel, meals, and groceries. He seemed taken aback. We told him we spared the gas in exchange for his wine.
AITJ for giving him a bill that listed out all his expenses? As a host, I should be more gracious, or upfront if I were transactional, but his silence, not even a thank you, upset me and made me give him a bill.
This person is not close to me.
We met on a trip 8 years ago and hadn’t seen each other for 6 years. He was interested in seeing my country.”
Another User Comments:
“You kept paying and never brought it up for TEN DAYS, then presented him with a bill. He may have found it odd as well, but perhaps assumed it was a cultural thing, that you *wanted* to pay and considered it part of hosting.
You said you’d bring out your card then look at him – easy to interpret that as “I’ve got this” rather than “last chance to jump in and pay instead”. ESH for not just talking about it.” embopbopbopdoowop
Another User Comments:
“He’s a user.
That would have been apparent very quickly so you were foolish to expect him to eventually do the right thing. You should have looked at every dinner bill and told him what his share was. You should have told him he would need to put his credit card down to reserve hotel rooms. Of course, he had access to more than $200 cash.
ESH. I can’t say that you are an A-H (he is) but presenting a bill at the last moment of his trip is a poor way of handling resentment. In the future, be more straightforward and “rude” if necessary. He knew what he was doing and took advantage of your passivity.” Aw_Yeah_Nuh
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You can’t bill someone after the fact. Communicate like an adult. – willing to pick up at the airport; which rental car company did you reserve? – we’d like to treat you to dinner on your first night here. – we work M-F and we veg out on work nights.
Feel free to sightsee and taste all over town without us. – OR: we’ll be expecting you for a nice home-cooked meal on Wednesday. Other than that, we’ll let you explore our beautiful city and its restaurants. – we took three days off work to spend time with you.
When I book, do you want to Venmo me your admission or give me cash? Looking forward to it. – I’ll drive today; tomorrow you can drive the rental and we’ll just plug the navigation in. In other words, let him know well in advance!
He may be unable to afford the trip. But you kept paying and he kept letting you. ” Popular-Way-7152
13. AITJ For Asking My Wife To Swap Nursery Run Days?
“My wife (29F) and I (31M) have a toddler (3M) who goes to nursery five days a week.
Neither of us likes doing the nursery run, because to make the drop-off and get to work means you need to wake up incredibly early to get showered and dressed before setting off, then still arrive at work a bit late/flustered / covered in baby food.
So we didn’t argue about it in the morning, we agreed on a system of the wife doing Monday+Tuesday, I doing Wednesday+Thursday and then we flip a coin on Thursday evening for who does Friday. This isn’t a totally hard and fast rule; if one of us is ill or away for business then the other takes over, but in general, we usually stick to it.
This week, my wife has some friends in town from overseas, and they’re leaving on Monday morning. She is going to go out with them on Sunday evening and asked if I could do the nursery run on Monday morning so she could stay out a bit later / have a few drinks and still be functional in the morning (because she’d have more of a lie-in).
I said no problem and asked her which of my Wednesday / Thursday days she’d prefer to take as a swap.
She blew up at me, accusing me of treating the relationship “transactionally” and accusing me of “keeping score”. She hasn’t spoken to me since beyond strictly necessary conversations about childcare.
I know this sounds like there’s a piece of the conversation missing, but it was genuinely like I’d said, ” Sure if I can get a hall pass to be unfaithful to you” or something that extreme, and her reaction was instant and very strong.
From what I can gather from her (it was quite an emotional conversation) we ought to just do each other’s days if asked (without swapping them for another day), because it will probably come out in the wash, and anything other than this – especially tracking to make sure the workload is approximately equal – is unacceptable to her.
I’d note I had no idea she thought like this – for example, I earn more than her every month, but the amount I make is variable because I’m on base+commission, so I track quite extensively to make sure our disposable income is the same each month and she is quite attentive to this conversation but has never said it makes her uncomfortable.
It isn’t like her friends are blowing up my phone or anything, but I genuinely can’t fathom how my wife thinks she’s in the right here, let alone how she’s so confident she’s right that she’s giving me the silent treatment. AITJ for asking my wife to switch days rather than me doing an ‘extra’ day?”
Another User Comments:
“Under the following circumstances as you have mentioned “Obviously this isn’t a totally hard and fast rule; if one of us is ill or away for business then the other takes over” Is it then usual for the partner who was ill or away to make up the days?
If not then it seems inconsiderate of you not to cover for her in this instance. I understand that it seems logical to you for her to just do one of your days instead though, but it seems there are some underlying issues with your relationship which needs to be explored further between you.” GoldenLife444
Another User Comments:
“I’m surprised at the YTJs as well, I would have assumed she would offer to trade days since it’s a want, not a need. But her blowing up makes it seem like there’s more to this issue. For your finances.
Why are you tracking it to the cent? Put both paychecks in a communal account. Set an auto transfer every month to go into each of your accounts. Boom. You both have equal disposable income. Pay bills from the communal account. (Since you say your income fluctuates, set the transfer amount based on your lowest income.
Then on months when you have more, put it into a 4th joint account for savings/trip/whatever).” SingleAlfredoFemale
Another User Comments:
“I am genuinely curious about how I would feel if this were me. Sure, it’s transactional on some level but not every transactional thing is bad.
What’s wrong with wanting to swap a day? It’s not like she’s sick or hurt. I would consider that something not to ‘swap’. It’s stepping up for the family. She wants to have some fun and he’s doing her a favor by being available to do the drop-off for her to have that fun.
So, why can’t he want to drop one of his days? So, I think my vote is NTJ. At the least, it doesn’t warrant such an explosion. It makes me feel like there is an X factor we on the outside aren’t aware of (I don’t mean OP is hiding from us, he may not know).” LadyAmemyst
12. AITJ For Refusing To Help My Family Track Down My Aunt's Stepkids?
“Before I (18f) was born my aunt was married to a guy, we’ll call him Tim for the post. So my aunt and Tim were together/married for close to a decade. Tim then passed away. Tim had kids before he met my aunt. They were very small when my aunt and Tim met.
Both were under 3 at the time and to the best of my knowledge there was no unfaithfulness. He was either divorced or no longer with the mother of his children. He also had primary custody and my aunt adored the kids. But when Tim passed away the kids went to live with their mother and my aunt never saw them again.
She did try to keep in touch but their mother wouldn’t allow her to have contact. My aunt had been pregnant when Tim passed away but had a miscarriage due to her grief and the stress of losing not only Tim but the kids too.
My aunt has never remarried. She still wears her wedding ring. She still talks about Tim. She talks about the kids a lot too. She has family photos in her house. She tried to look them up a few years ago but couldn’t find them and stopped because she figured they might not want to know.
Now my mom and my two sisters have decided they want to surprise my aunt by tracking down the stepkids and bringing them “home” for my aunt. I took some classes on the best ways to find people and I helped a couple of friends find family members.
Because of this my mom and sisters want me to be a huge part of finding the stepkids.
I just have huge reservations about this. Mostly they never tried to find my aunt and looking at photos of the “happy times” I don’t get the vibe that they thought as much of my aunt as she did of them.
Looking at body language, how they gravitated to being close to their dad and on his side in photos. They looked way happier in photos with just their dad than with just my aunt and in photos of just the siblings without my aunt and Tim.
It makes me suspect they might not want a reunion. I just feel kind of weird because if that’s true, my mom and sisters are all set for them to want this and I think they’d be pushy if the stepkids don’t and I don’t want a part of that.
They might even annoy them off enough for my aunt to get a very negative and hostile kind of contact.
But my mom and sisters think I need to and think I’m being unfair with my refusal.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t have to do something you don’t feel comfortable about.
I don’t think it makes sense for your mom and sisters to do something neither the stepkids nor the aunt has requested; saying they will bring the kids “home” is very concerning, and if the stepkids reject your aunt that could cause more harm than good.
I do not think there would be a problem if your aunt wanted to find them to send a message saying I’ve always missed you, hope you are well, would love to catch up—but it should come from the aunt, not your mom and sisters, and only if she were mentally prepared for possible rejection.” Fit_Try_2657
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but if I were you I’d track them down. If you find them you won’t try to pressure them into a happy reunion. It sounds like your mom and sisters would. If you found them and they didn’t want to see your aunt you could tell mom and sisters you tried and failed, that might get them to give up, and if it doesn’t at least the ex-stepkids are forewarned.” Ok-Raspberry7884
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You all (mother, sisters, yourself) have no idea what happened since Tim’s death. All you know is that their lives included a divorce and the death of their father while they were still very young. Young enough to not even have clear, strong memories of your Aunt with their father.
Showing up on their doorstep and importuning them might be welcome; however, it could be cruel as well, too, and remind them only of things they’ve lost. Your reservations are likely shared by many. Too bad about your mother and sisters.” tosser9212
11. AITJ For Wanting To Step Back After My Sister Said I'm Not Family?
“My sister and I are half siblings but I’ve always treated her as my full sister and loved her to pieces…this will be important later in the story.
My brother-in-law has been a part of our family for 25+ years. My brother-in-law was involved in a tragic work accident and passed away suddenly. My sister and brother-in-law have 2 young children. Once I heard what happened I drove out to my sister’s house to be there for her, my nieces, my parents as well as his family.
I stepped in and started just doing things to help. I was doing dishes, watching the kids, going to the store, and purchasing anything my sister, the kids, my parents, or my brother-in-law’s family wanted/needed. I was happy to do so because it made me feel like I could actually do something to help.
I really wanted to feel helpful and that I was able to do something to ease anyone’s pain even for just a moment.
I was driving there and back every day until the weekend. I knew my sister had a bunch of visitors planned and I needed some time to be with my kids since I had barely seen them since my brother-in-law passed.
My sister, since I got there, was saying some pretty awful jabs towards me and my parents. We knew she was hurting didn’t take offense and continued to help.
My parents wanted me and the rest of our immediate family to get there a little before noon for the viewing.
My mom went to get something out of the car when my sister approached and said so I’ll see you tomorrow at 1:30. The way she said it was like she wanted me to leave at that moment which hurt but I tried to just ignore the pain.
I told her I was planning on being there at 12 so I could attend the viewing and be there for her. She then asked why would I do that it’s not as if I’m family and walked away. That comment hurt and I went outside and told my mom that I was leaving and I would see her at the funeral at 1:30 so I didn’t overwhelm my sister.
She looked confused but said ok and hugged me goodbye.
I can put all of the other nasty comments aside but to be told I’m not family I just can’t shake. AITJ if I step away after the funeral instead of trying to continue to help once or twice a week.
She lives an hour and a half away and I’m taking away from time with my kids to help her and if she feels that I’m not her real family maybe there’s someone that she’d rather have helping her.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but if I were you, I would go low contact after the funeral. Your sister showed her hand in that moment, and she doesn’t deserve your support anymore.
Let her reach out first (if she ever does). You are taking time away from your family to help her and she goes and trashes you instead.” CentaurusAndromeda
Another User Comments:
“NTJ It’s time to step back. I wonder if the weekend you weren’t there, her inlaws managed to turn her against you.
But, interestingly, it would be her inlaws as I would think she would be closer to her parents (is she?) than she is to her inlaws (or is it your stepfather’s family) unless there is more going on that you haven’t said as she was pretty hurtful to your parents too (did that include your mother as it seems that she is your mother’s and your stepfather’s child.
How old are you and how old is your sister? If you have known your brother-in-law for 25+ years then you likely knew him as a child or is there a significant age gap between your sister and your brother-in-law? But she is grieving. Give her the space she asks for.
You are hurt and so is she but there may have been irreparable damage done to your relationship even if it looks like you forgive each other… You can forgive but you don’t forget because there is always that element of doubt that they may do that again and what do they think of you.” KitchenDismal9258
10. AITJ For Making My Older Daughter Take The Bus While Her Siblings Get Driven?
“So I (45m) and my wife (46f) have 4 children together 17m, 15f, 12f and 10 m. The two oldest go to the same high school.
My youngest son goes to an elementary school and my youngest daughter goes to a middle school. I am not a fan of buses, so all of my kids are picked and dropped by my wife and me. My two oldest school is close to our house, and I work from home so I can easily pick and drop them.
My youngest son has a carpool with two girls from our neighborhood (7f and 9f). They drop him off in the morning. My wife drops off our younger daughter on her way to work in the morning and picks up both her and our son plus his carpool in the afternoon.
At the end of last year my son got his license and we agreed to let him drive to school while picked up his sister.
But a few months ago, my wife got a new job offer with a much better salary and we both agreed it was best for her to take it.
But the hours are later so she can no longer pick up. This was fine for our son as we just switched with the carpool so now my wife drops everyone off and they pick up my son. The issue comes from my younger daughter as now there is no one to pick her up.
This means that I had to now pick up one daughter as I cannot take off that much time in the afternoon to pick both up. I decided to pick up my younger daughter for a few reasons, the bus from her school is worse as it is a public bus and her school is farther whereas my daughter has a private bus that I can pay for which is better plus her school is closer.
Also, my older daughter is obviously more mature and has a phone, so I am less worried about her. My older daughter was not happy about this but agreed.
Recently though she was talking to her aunt (my SIL 50f) who she is very close with and complained that it is not fair that she has to ride the bus and none of her siblings do.
My SIL and criticized us and said we are playing favorites and being unfair. I asked my daughter if she also thought we were playing favorites, and she said yes. She has complaining more and more. I asked if there’s a specific reason but no she just doesn’t wants to ride bus and hates it.
I agree it sucks but there’s not much else I can do. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Don’t make it difficult. If your oldest can’t drive with his sister, he should be taking the bus with her. Obviously your favorite gets a car and can leisurely drives himself, while his sister has to take the bus, and get this, they both end up at the same place, school!
I’m not even sure why yall think that was fair. I’m not sure why she’s complaining about you picking up her sister, when it’s your son. YTJ.” Salty-Contact4371
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – You made a reasonable decision based on the circumstances, and your daughter is a teenager and has every right to complain to someone about things that she thinks are unfair.
She’s right that it’s not fair she has to ride a bus while the other three do not, but it is not because *you* are being unfair – sometimes life is unfair, and this is one of those times. It’s okay to empathize with her – and point that out.” KrofftSurvivor
Another User Comments:
“If oldest son is unable to confidently drive his sister home, then the “fair” thing to do, would be to have them both ride the bus home. There has been no stated reason why it’s necessary that he drive to school – just that he got his license, so now he drives.
They should both get dropped off, and then take the bus home. Might give him the impetus to practice more to drive with others in the car to overcome his anxiety.” drm66
9. AITJ For Wanting To DNA Test My Foster Daughter For Medical Reasons?
“I (30 f) am fostering my niece (Lilly 8 f) and nephew (Landon 7 m). I have 3 children of my own with my husband but we do still plan on adopting Lilly and Landon as the CPS case is coming to a close and the parents are unfortunately both not fit to care for them.
This is now where I think I might be the jerk. Lilly has medical and mental problems/ disabilities. We have been working with doctors to do our best to help her have a normal life. Many of these things do not run in the family on their bio mom or bio dad side.
That made my husband and I start wondering if we were missing something. During a drive, I randomly remembered Lilly’s bio mom told me about hanging out with her ex during the beginning of the relationship with the kids’ dad. I decided to look up the ex.
(I’ll call him Matt). Matt unfortunately passed away in 2019. But the moment I looked at his photo I knew he is probably Lilly’s real father. The bio mom has always said my brother is both kids’ bio dad. There was also a DNA test done on Landon when he was a baby so we know for a fact my brother is the dad.
I want to DNA test Lilly so that we can find out if anything she is dealing with is genetic and or if there are things we should look for. Also, if there is any surviving family I would want her to have the opportunity to get to know them.
I want to make it clear that no matter what her DNA is I will love her no matter what! Unfortunately, with CPS still being involved I can’t do a DNA test unless I bring it up to them. But if I bring it to their attention it could 1 delay the case and 2 I’m scared CPS will take Lilly away from me and give her to a member of Matt’s family.
And even if I wait till we have adopted both Lilly and Landon the DNA test could cause major rifts in the family. We already have PFAS on both the kids’ bio parents, my mother and most family won’t speak to us due to taking the kids in so they wouldn’t be with strangers and following CPS rules.
I want to give all my children, Landon and Lilly included, the best chance at life. But would it be best to just leave it alone or should I get the test done?
I feel like I will get it done after the case is completely closed and we have adopted the kids.
But would I be the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“If there is a medical reason to look for a particular mutation (like in cystic fibrosis), you’re NTJ. If you’re doing to determine who her parents are, you’re YTJ. If she has questions about who her parents are, she can test herself when she is an adult.
I work in a field where we do DNA testing for medical reasons, and, boy, does it mess people up when they figure out their parents aren’t their parents and weren’t expecting it.” Relative_Medium9307
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for wanting a medical test done to see if she carries markers for genetic disorders that might not be prevalent in your family.
Though a lot of that testing can be done on her without needing family. However, the paternity thing is a massive can of worms. Honestly, I’d wait years until she’s old enough to understand and ask her if that is something she wants. Her entire world is already being torn apart if CPS placed her in your care, adding this new layer will only make things more confusing.
Focus on her health and safety first, and let her make the decision to explore her past when she’s old enough to properly understand it” AgnarCrackenhammer
8. AITJ For Engaging In Conversation With A Woman Who Was Flirting With Me While Her Partner Was Present?
“I M28 went out with a couple of my guy friends on Saturday night.
We all wanted a calm night, enjoy some drinks and watch some football. I was sitting on the end of our group at the bar with 2 open seats next to me. It was a little crowded but not enough to be running into each other.
I feel somebody bump into me. It was a couple, she apologized and asked if the seats next to me were taken. I said oh no go ahead. I must note, she had on some type of sparkly heel shoe with lulu lemons leggings and a lower cut shirt and her makeup was all done.
The guy she was with had on sweet pants a baggy sweatshirt. The way they were dressed and energy levels both didn’t match. After sitting next to me for 5-10 minutes I made a comment about a call to my friend and she asked me how I saw that in live time.
Just trying to be friendly I started speaking with her. I must add I recently was broken up with and also am helping take care of a sick family member.
My brain isn’t thinking about picking anybody up. Anyway she starts chatting with me about the game.
Being kind of flirty and is now facing more towards me then the guy she came in with. I mentioned her partner and she did confirm that yes they were together. This went on for the remainder of the game. Her asking me a bunch of questions.
Where I grew up where I went to school. My age. If I was seeing anybody. All while leaning in towards me. I tried a couple more times to add him to the conversation since he was looking annoyed. She cut him off quickly and started going back to asking questions.
It was at about this time they whispered some stuff to each other. Then he seemed to not be as annoyed. A couple of minutes later after us talking. I noticed they both started to get a lot more touchy with each other. This went on for maybe another 10-15 minutes before the game was over.
After it was left she said goodbye and hugged me. Which I’m not sure if I was off put by the entire experience but it seemed like it was out of left field. It was for sure a tight hug. Then they both left. Shortly after we paid our tabs and even the bartender joked with me it was odd.
She also mentioned they gave off swinger vibes. Which I kind of felt but I didn’t want to say anything.
AITJ for this situation?”
Another User Comments:
“Some couples just do this. An older couple, about twice my age(ish), used to come into my work.
The guy would go about looking around by himself, while his partner would almost always come up to me and start a convo or ask random questions. She was very pretty and they were both extremely friendly. After 10 or 15 minutes, inevitably the partner would come over and start talking to me all smiley.
I just figured this was their way of keeping a little sultriness in their long term relationship.” RotaryPhoneEmergency
7. AITJ For Avoiding Sharing Classes With My Stepsister?
“I’m (16f) a junior in high school and I have a stepsister the same age as me who’s also in the same school as me.
Our school is smaller and only core classes have more than one class per grade. Electives are one class per elective and since I started high school I have always tried to do different ones to my stepsister. I don’t want us in any of the same classes and generally that has never happened before.
But in April she suggested she would take the same electives as me because she wanted us to spend more time together and have the same schedule in school. I already had my interest registered but when she said this and actually went ahead and changed it, I asked to change mine at the last minute, like two days before classes ended for summer.
When we went back this semester and she learned we weren’t in any of the same classes and I didn’t have the same electives she was so upset and she tried to change. I had spoken to our guidance counselor, who covers some of this, and we worked out a plan for me not to be in the same electives.
So she wasn’t able to switch. They told her the numbers were full. But then a couple of weeks later another kid transferred a couple of electives and she started asking questions.
At this point my dad got involved and he was angry that I had changed electives after hearing my stepsister would be taking the same as me.
He told me it was excessive to go out of my way to avoid sharing classes with my “sister” and that she was now aware of how much I don’t want us to share classes after this latest stuff. He told me I wasn’t thinking of my own future and I wasn’t thinking of the long-term impacts on “our family”.
My stepsister told me I can’t avoid us being close forever. That we’re sisters and one day I’ll need to accept that and call her my sister and stop with the step stuff and it’s been 8 years and we could have enjoyed junior and senior year together if I wasn’t so determined to keep her away from me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I lost a few brain cells trying to comprehend your stepsister saying that you can’t avoid being close forever and that even after 8 years you need to stop with the step stuff and just accept her. OH MY GOD. I’m positive someone is feeding this poor child a horrible lie that you’ll come around eventually and accept her.
After 8 years most people would be like “Okay I’m done I’ll leave this person alone.” But after 8 years, 8 WHOLE YEARS SHE’S STILL GOING AT THIS??? Yeah no. Someone is feeding her nonsense. NTJ op.” Big_Drama_2624
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Step is obsessed by the idea of you being sisters; by changing electives to force you to spend time with her she’s being quite intrusive.
Net result will be you leaving home upon graduation and having no relationship with her or your dad and her mom.” Clean_Factor9673
Another User Comments:
“The only thing dad and stepsis are about to guarantee is OP leaving for college and going LC or NC for this behavior.
In elementary school, I had 8 cousins and two siblings. A couple of us were in the same grade, and they made sure to keep everyone separated (I can say my brother and two of my cousins were the reason, lol). The way she’s acting, I wouldn’t want to be around her either.
Can your relatives from your dads or moms family do an intervention to advocate for you? Just don’t embarrass her in school because you’ll never hear the end of how you made her school life miserable.” JellyBelly1042
6. AITJ For Cancelling Halloween Plans With Friends Due To Personal Circumstances?
“I am feeling stuck and awful and am not sure how to handle this. In September my friends reached out (who live two hours away from me) to invite my husband (m34) and I (f36) out to a Halloween activity three hours away or so from where we live that is ticketed. I conferred with my husband and we decided to go as it sounded fun and at the time it seemed doable.
However, we’re running into issues. I work away from home so I am gone during the week, only seeing my husband on weekends so we are already stressed out (for context) with trying to do what we can to manage coordinating just daily life stuff while apart and right now, circumstances are that is not going to change.
We also have a diabetic cat and we have no one available now to care for her. So, now, the options are: to not go (which will hurt and disappoint our friends–there is a lot of context here too. We often have to go to them, one has had a really hard time that I have not had enough time to spend with them but it has been overwhelming and I am doing the best I can, etc), or I go and my husband stays back (I do not want to do this because I do not want to drive the three hours there and back in one day, especially late at night, or spend time trying to figure out where to stay and miss out on time seeing my husband, My car is not exactly in the best shape either).
The event is this weekend and I know I should have never said yes in the first place but now I am dreading it and just feel overwhelmed with trying to coordinate. I can’t deny there is some other stuff seeping in (some resentment that we always have to go their way, they have only been to our house once because basically we said that it needed to be fair, and my own life circumstance stress ) impacting my judgement.
I truly do not want to be a flakey friend and disappoint my friends, but I just do not know what else to do besides not go at this point.
Would I be the jerk and risk hurting and disappointing my friends by cancelling plans with them that I committed to in September?”
Another User Comments:
“You are allowed to cancel but YWBTA because you committed to it a month ago and while I’m assuming it seems like nothing changed since then. I get the feeling you always worked away from home, your cat was already diabetic and you always had to be the ones to go to your friends.
These are all the thing you should have considered when you agreed, or the week after you agreed or the week after that…….not a few days before the event” Apart-Scene-9059
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Sounds like excuses to me, to be honest. You will get to spend time with your husband, you literally will be in the car together for 6 hours… The cat you knew when you agreed to the event, so that’s not something that just happened and you couldn’t prepare for.
The last part of you always going is tough but the time to discuss that was when you made the appointment with them. Not now that you already agreed to go. The reality is that your friend thinks you put them last, and seeing you make excuses it seems she is right.
It’s your right to cancel, but don’t be surprised if they go LC or NC. I would if someone kept canceling on me.” adobeacrobatreader
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Okay here’s the thing. I would cancel if I was in your situation. Pulling out because of your cat is a legitimate excuse, especially with traveling so far.
But you have to let them know NOW. And you need to swallow the price of the tickets (?) unless they find someone else to go with. And also give them an opportunity to plan. The reason why YTJ is because, regardless of justification, this is a not nice thing to do with so little notice.
And I think you’re on here looking for words affirmation, that “you’re in the right” and “it’s okay” and “you’re not a bad person /friend”. In reality, you ARE doing a not nice thing to your friends and if you haven’t told them yet, you’re being even more not nice by not giving them time to plan.
And you need to accept that some decisions, even justified, make you the bad person. So yes. I say cancel. It doesn’t sound like you want to go anyway?” AbjectFlatworm5792
5. AITJ For Defending My Wife's Hobby Against My Friend's Misogynistic Views?
“I’ve got a friend who the last couple of years has turned a bit “Tatey”. He has been wronged by a couple of women in the past couple of years (one left him and got married within three months, the other took a lot of his money) but he seems to have a particular dislike for women selling content or just generally being confident in how they look.
That point brings me on to my wife. She’s 39 and we’ve been together since school. She’s a very fit and attractive woman and her main hobby is pole dancing. She loves it and has been doing it for a few years. She’s really good and she loves it so much, it’s great to see her really excelling at something and being so passionate about it.
She posts a lot of pictures and video of herself pole dancing on accounts that only friends can follow so it’s not like she does this for attention even though I’ve told her if she ever wanted to I wouldn’t mind as a few of her friends have quite big followings and sometimes when they do shows my wife is in the photos and videos and gets a lot of positive comments.
At the weekend I went to my friends to help him with some DIY and he asked me if I mind my wife posting what she posts. I said not at all it doesn’t bother me. He then said “you’re part of the problem.
Women are getting too much ego and it’s bad enough when it’s single women but married women shouldn’t be doing that” I told him if he’s that bothered then don’t look and unfollow her. He said that won’t change anything and it’s the culture being created around women getting validation for their bodies or some nonsense like that.
I got a bit wound up at this point and asked him if he’d like to ring my wife and tell her himself? He said no he was just talking to me man to man and I need to grow a backbone. I told him I’m not the one with the backbone problem if he can’t handle a bit of flesh and gets offended by it and he’s the weak one.
I ended up leaving and a few mutual friends have said that while I was right he’s going though a hard time and is a bit vulnerable to this way of thinking. I personally think that’s nonsense and we need to tell him he’s heading down a wrong path.
Me and my friend are both 41 I forgot to mention that.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Good job standing up for your wife’s right to enjoy a hobby and be confident! I agree with you about letting him know you (and hopefully your other friends) don’t agree with these new views he’s taking on.
If the people around him just let his comments go without any push back or worse, agreement, it’ll only make him feel validated and justified and more comfortable with these new views. He needs to understand that just because he’s been hurt by two women, doesn’t give him the okay to be a misogynist. Even without all that, what business is it of his what YOUR wife does anyways?” anothertypicalcmmnt
Another User Comments:
“NTJ— Good for you for sticking up for your wife and other women, even when they are not in the room. Men like this only have something to say behind a computer screen or under his breath to other people. I would’ve said the same thing- SAY IT TO HER FACE THEN.
These men are miserable, and will always be miserable. They are SCARED of women, let’s face it.” DANADIABOLIC
4. AITJ For Encouraging My Fiancé To Cut Off His Abusive Mother?
“My fiancé TJ (31M) has a rocky relationship with his mom. Both of his brothers do as well due to past emotional and psychological trauma she has inflicted on all of them. We’ve been together for over 7 years and we recently welcomed a new baby.
I know my fiancé hates his mom with a passion. He’s been very clear about his stance on her for years because she has done so many horrible things to him and his family.
To name a few, she’s constantly manipulating them into being on her side before and after she divorced his dad (lying about him stealing from them when they were kids) she’s constantly degrading everyone but herself (at anyone’s birthday or event we go to she will go off on them for eating cake by calling them fat but she’s allowed to if she wants to) she’s only concerned with her own health ( if TJ goes to the ER she will call me to tell me her foot hurts and go on an hour rant about it then say oh is he okay).
I am personally disgusted with her as a person and a mom because of all her actions. TJ told me she refused to put them above her dogs so they got luxury everything and they didn’t get anything compared. All her attention went to them instead of her kids growing up.
Recently our son started had to go to the ER for a minor emergency and so we told TJ’s mom what happened and she didn’t bother to call us or ask what happened. A week later our son began to crawl so we texted her again.
Her response was to send us an article of bear sighting and how she was so worried about it.
TJ flipped to say the least because for the 100th time he’s mentioned he’s sick of her and wants to cut her off completely. He wanted my opinion on what he should and I was honest. I told him I hate that woman and all she’s done to him and his brothers.
I hate how she has hurt and continues to hurt him. Watching him continue a relationship with her out of pity has been something I stayed out of because it’s his decision not mine. Now that he’s asking for my opinion I gave it to him but I think he wants to take it.
I think he needs therapy and to move on from her mistreatment because it’s taking a toll on him.
AITJ for telling him to put himself before his mom?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ; I (72M) had a similar situation. I was estranged from my mom for a number of years (her heavy drinking) .
My wife didn’t understand and was always trying to patch things up. Well, when we had only been married a few years, my mom came over to our home intoxicated. I kicked her out, I didn’t want my kids exposed to that. My mom then called my wife and they got into an argument, My mom then told my wife that “her son only has one mom but he’ll have many wives.
My wife then understood why I didn’t have anything to do with my mom.” hclopez883
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you’re doing a good job looking out for your family and your fiance. Even if its harsh, it’s the truth! Sounds as though his mother clearly does not care about him.
If she can’t even put her own son first for even a minute, especially when he is in the ER, she is not someone worth keeping in contact with as she clearly doesn’t care about him how a mother should. Cut contact and help your fiance get into therapy.” loathies
3. AITJ For Not Allowing My Dad's Ex-Wife, My Aunt's Plus One, To Participate In My Wedding?
“I (26M) got married a month ago and some wedding drama has since come to light mostly via my aunt, who’s my dad’s older sister. Aunt decided to take dad’s ex wife as her +1. Dad and his ex have been divorced for 5 years now.
They got married when I was 7 though which is where my aunt is coming into play. Dad had me and my three older siblings when he met his ex. They met not too long after my mom died. But it took a few months for them to start seeing each other.
None of us (siblings and me) really connected with her or cared much for her. To us she was dad’s wife who couldn’t have kids of her own and saw us as her chance at motherhood. She made us uncomfortable sometimes with how insistent she was that she was now the mom of the family.
It got really awkward at times when we were younger and dad was doing something for us but she wanted to do it instead. My aunt always liked that she tried to step in and become mom. For one she never liked our mom. But it was also her belief that when kids lose one parent, someone needs to fill that space for them.
So when dad and his ex divorced and none of my siblings or I kept in contact with his ex, it upset her. She told us repeatedly she felt the ex deserved better and she should be regarded as mom in some way after all those years.
She should be seen as someone worth keeping around to all of us.
I didn’t know before my wedding day that the ex was her plus one. It didn’t bother me. But I was clear that she wasn’t going to be in the wedding photos.
My aunt hated it and she expected to be able to sneak her in but no that was taken care of. My aunt also wanted me to dance with the ex but I didn’t.
After the wedding my aunt went a little crazy on me and since then she has told me on an almost daily basis that she thinks I was a jerk for doing that to the ex.
She told me I had mom for 5 years but I had the ex for 14 and she did most of the raising of me and my siblings so we should all be keeping her as mom and for the future as grandma. She told me it was disgusting to exclude her during the wedding too when she was already there.
I told my aunt I hadn’t invited the ex and I was never going to.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I am amused how people in the bride’s family now think this random person is your aunt’s gf whom aunt is trying to push on everyone” Backgrounding-Cat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Tell your aunt that you are disgusted by her behaviour and that she has no say on who is your family, no matter how many tricks she tries to play. Warn her that the only thing she is doing is excommunicating herself from your family for a stranger, and that if she wants to make that choice, goodbye.” Cursd818
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: I hate people who think that the stepparent, or parent’s SO, needs to step into a parental role. I experienced this when I was younger; my older sister and I were always mistreated by what people thought we needed as a ‘dad in our life.’ Now, I’m not saying that this is what happened here, in this case, but what I am saying is that NO ONE should feel obligated to see another person as a parental figure, and vice versa for the stepparent or SO.
And as for the aunt, what kind of fairy tale is this woman living in? To be so involved in someone else’s life. She must be super lonely to insert herself so much, acting as if she’s some keeper of peace and harmony.
Narcissistic much?” ZyrusMain
2. AITJ For Being Jealous Of My Friend's Relationship With My Favorite Teacher?
“I 17 year old female, senior in high school and my friend who’s the same age and same grade as me, have been friends since 6 grade.
It’s a lot of time but I don’t really consider her as a best friend just a close friend. Since 6 grade I felt like she felt some type of jealousy towards me but I’ve always disguised those feelings. When I started wearing skirts for school because I thought they looked cuter, she did too.
I started getting good grades and she did too. I started to get better at my English and she did too, when before she had no interest in them. Throughout my high school years she kept this behavior but I as always just ignored them, especially for this year, I wanted to enjoy my last year and forget about all the bad stuff.
My skills when speaking English became really bad. When I entered high school for my freshman year, there was this biology teacher who would always say nice things to me, he would encourage me to speak, he would try to talk to me about sports we both liked, he would also show interest in my culture.
Since then he’s been my favorite teacher. This year he’s teaching anatomy, and me and my friend are in his class. At first when she found out he was going to be our teacher, she started to judge him saying she didn’t want to have him as a teacher and that he didn’t know how to teach, and that he was boring.
I obviously defended him and told her that if she wanted to she could change the class but I was going to stay because I knew he was a great teacher. A couple days into the class I guess she saw the relationship we shared and how he treated me.
Out of the sudden, a day she started to only be at his desk talking to him about tennis (a sport we all like). Now, every chance of free time we get, she’s at his desk. I’ve tried to make conversation with him but she will find a way to make herself the main character and leave me out of it.
It’s becoming annoying for me to not be able to talk to my favorite teacher because my friend doesn’t gives me a chance to. My mom says I should talk to her but I don’t want to sound toxic or be crazy about it.
I actually do feel jealous but I don’t know if I should be. After all they’re both free to talk to whoever they want, it just annoys me that she didn’t even liked him and now she’s all over him.
What should I do?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – or at least a very bad “friend.” You talk about her as a little lost puppy dog following you around instead of a person. She started wearing skirts, getting good grades, and talking to a teacher and that offends you?
You’re 17 years old, not in kindergarten learning how to share…. The poor girl actually sees you as a friend and puts effort into the relationship. Deserves way better than she’s getting.” Kaynico
Another User Comments:
“NTJ it could be so many different reasons it does sound like your friend is seeing whatever your doing and is following she could be doing it because she thinks your cool and what you do is cool and wear but if she’s doing this because she’s jealous you gotta let her go it’s senior year and you might not even see her next year have fun and do you” Unusual-Jump-8398
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, except maybe you. You’re both acting like teenagers – trying to look cute, bonding with teachers, working on your language skills. It doesn’t sound like she’s copying you. It sounds like she is doing normal teenage things. You think a teacher is cool and now that she’s spent time with him she also thinks he’s cool.
You are not seeing this guy and she is not intruding on your relationship. You sound very possessive of a teacher. A high school teacher likely has six classes with 30 students in each. You, my friend, are one of 180 students he has a relationship with.
You’re not special.” AssistantNo4330
1. AITJ For Telling My Sister To Grow Up Over Her Sons' Feud?
“My sister has two sons by two different guys. The older boy (Jamie) is 17 and the younger boy (Jordyn) is 15. Jamie no longer spends time in my sister’s house. He’s lived with his dad for almost 2 years now. While Jordyn lives with my sister and has nothing to do with his dad, per his dad’s own choice.
My sister and Jamie’s dad were not on good terms. My sister was unfaithful to Jamie’s dad with Jordyn’s dad. She also admitted to being unfaithful to Jamie’s dad before Jamie was born and Jamie’s dad had to do a DNA test to be sure Jamie was his bio son.
It was a mess. She really jerked him around. When Jordyn’s dad left her, my sister lied to the woman Jamie’s dad was seeing at the time and claimed Jordyn was his. This broke them up and even though he isn’t the father, my sister expected him to “do the right thing” for both of her children.
Her expectation for Jamie’s dad to step up for Jordyn never ended.
Jordyn was naturally upset, jealous and had a lot of feelings from a young age about Jamie having what he didn’t and because Jamie had a lot more and did a lot more because his dad could afford that.
Jamie’s life was very different to Jordyn’s. And Jamie never wanted to invite Jordyn to his dad’s house or to places his dad would take him. Eventually Jordyn started saying negative things about Jamie’s dad and Jamie would defend his dad. Their relationship had never been close before this but once those fights became very common, it was very nasty between them.
My sister blames Jamie’s dad for this even though she never explained things to Jordyn correctly. I tried a couple of times but my sister had made him feel like he had a right to expect more from Jamie’s dad.
The last time Jamie was in the house, he told Jordyn they weren’t brothers and they weren’t family.
And Jordyn wished Jamie’s dad dead. They have not spoken since. I still see and speak to both boys. My sister doesn’t like this. She doesn’t like that Jamie has been to my house since he moved out of hers. So she came over the other day and confronted me about keeping in touch with Jamie and keeping him a part of my family even though he refuses to be a part of theirs.
She complained for about 20 minutes about this and it came across very childish to me. Almost like when kids are like you can’t be friends with her because I’m not. I told her to grow up and act like the mother she’s meant to be and not like a middle grader.
She told me I should be more understanding and less harsh to her.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister’s actions have caused a lot of hurt and conflict in the family, and it’s understandable that you would be frustrated with her complaints, especially when it sounds like she’s not taking responsibility for the situation.
You’re maintaining a relationship with both of her sons, which is a positive thing, but she seems to be more focused on the drama and her own feelings rather than the well-being of her children. Telling her to “grow up” might have been blunt, but it was a response to her behavior, which does seem immature given the circumstances.
You’re right to maintain your relationships with both Jamie and Jordyn, and your sister should be focusing on mending the family dynamic rather than trying to control who you can interact with.” GlintMynx
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister’s actions have created a lot of chaos and it’s understandable why you’d be frustrated. You’re trying to maintain a healthy relationship with both boys, and that’s commendable.
Your sister seems more focused on the drama and her own emotions rather than the well-being of her children. You responded to her behavior, not the person, which shows that you’re tired of the immaturity and want the best for everyone involved. You did the right thing standing your ground.” EchoFable24
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister DOES need to grow up, quit putting a wedge between the boys, and clarify the entire situation. It sounds as though she really doesn’t care about her children, merely using them as pawns to make others miserable. That she doesn’t put her own children first is really pretty wretched. Jamie’s dad owes her nothing, and he certainly doesn’t owe the younger child, who is not his, anything, either.
What a poor situation your sister has deliberately created for these boys! As for your relationship with them, I am so glad they have you! If I were you, I would do what I could to strengthen the bonds with your nephews, no matter what your sister says.
Don’t bad mouth her to the boys, just be the best you can be, because those boys sound like they need good people in their lives.” PickleNotaBigDill
