People Want Us To Decipher Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
20. AITJ For Feeling Like A Third Wheel In My Own Relationship?
“So to preface, I (19F) have been with my partner (19M) for 2 years.
Our relationship started off rocky with many ups and downs, from living arrangements to mental health, it was always a bit of a mess.
(We currently live apart, about 15 mins from each other).
I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression before we started seeing each other, and he was supportive and helped me through a lot, but at the same time, he doesn’t seem to fully understand what these conditions are like.
(I take medication and go to counselling regularly and am trying my best to get better)
At the start, I got jealous, I’ve learned to give the benefit of the doubt, but things just seem off.
That’s where Amy (20F) comes in, we met her a while ago when she was seeing her past partner (broken up conveniently around the same time my partner and she became friends) at that time there was a general sense of dislike, but 3 months ago they got closer.
They seem to hang out a lot just them 2, more than he sees other friends. Since they started hanging out, I’ve met her once in passing where she barely spoke to me and seemed much more interested in my partner.
Once, where the same thing occurred, I expressed a general discomfort and he said ‘you just have to get to know her’.
This has led me to this post:
Today wasn’t one of my best, I was at my mum’s house helping her with things until maybe 7pm, he messaged me earlier in the day to say he was going to see Amy after work, I puttered about because I didn’t want to go home and be by myself.
I told him this and was told to hang out with my housemate when she got home from work.
At around 7:30 PM, I asked what they’re up to and he said getting food, we have a casual conversation via text and his responses get slower and slower until it rolls around to my housemate finishing work at around 9pm, I give her a brief rundown and she said we should all just get drinks or something to clear the air.
I messaged my partner and asked if he wanted to go to a local bar (that he loves and usually pounces at the opportunity to go to) and if he and Amy wanted to join.
30 minutes later he responded saying ‘not really up for it thanks anyway.’
I asked how come and where was he (maybe a little over the top but that’s why I’m here) and he responded 20 minutes later they were less than 5 minutes away and ‘we don’t want to join.’
I asked again why and was told, ‘I don’t want to. I’m seeing you tomorrow.’
Now I get that, 100%, but his responses have been so angry? Saying that I’m making him out to be the bad guy, that he “shouldn’t have to change his plans to accommodate for something that isn’t his problem” and ending it by telling me to “grow up”.
Maybe that bar wasn’t the place, maybe then wasn’t the time, maybe she just felt shy, but we could have worked together to find an alternative. He asks me to try toget to know her and when I do he doesn’t work with me.
I feel like a third wheel in my own relationship.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – This guy sadly seems very shady, saying you should ‘get to know her’ and then suddenly turning down the chance to introduce you two more informally at a chill environment.
I think you need to confront him a bit here and be upfront, as I think there is at minimum a bit of boundary-crossing. I think mental health can drain someone you’re seeing, so perhaps there is also an argument for him being emotionally burned out, but again he should talk to you about it instead of finding sanctuary elsewhere.
My best mate for 8 years is a guy and I have introduced him to every partner I have had, he always makes a big effort and would jump at the chance to try and befriend.
To add: I think if you feel like a third wheel in your own relationship, you need to get some more confidence and think about if you deserve to be treated as a spare tire.” Certifiedbeanbag
Another User Comments:
“ESH. More so he than you. But as someone with depression, we can’t always expect others without it to understand.
He sucks because it sounds like, based on this tiny bit of info we have, that he doesn’t really want to put in effort in your relationship/to help you be more comfortable.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ — these are some really really big red flags. Even if he doesn’t think of her romantically, you don’t know if she thinks of him romantically. I’d be just as, if not more, upset.
I’d try to talk to him calmly about it. If he gets defensive, I’d say there’s a possibility something else is going on.” regzm
19. AITJ For Not Wanting To Go On A Family Vacation?
“It’s my mum’s 60th birthday next year and my dad wanted to plan a trip with my parents, me, my new husband (10 days married so far), sister and her partner.
A few days to go away somewhere. Abroad was mentioned but that’s all.
Today I receive a phone call from my dad to ask what my partner’s full name is on his passport and before I know it, 4 nights in Madeira have been booked for the 6 of us at the end of January.
£325 each, please.
This had not been discussed with myself or my partner and at around 6pm I only just saw the message in the group chat from 4:40 where my dad said this is what he’d book.
No time for me to reply or chat to my husband about it before it was done. As I said, we’re newly married and in the process of buying a house which is going to need lots of work, new kitchen and bathroom etc. We’re also planning our honeymoon for around April/May and want our first trip away to be only us.
As someone who hates conflict and finds it hard to say no, I had a mini-crisis but eventually told my dad sorry but we’d like our time spent on our house next year. There will be a big do for my mum’s birthday as well.
Dads gone quiet on me and sister blew up saying we should go for mum and we can borrow the money, it’s only 5 days holiday, etc.
Our problem is that we weren’t asked about any of it.
The length of time, the cost, the location. My dad has a habit of still seeing me and my sister (29 and 24) as kids and arranges things and pays for things like meals out without asking and assuming we’re happy to go along.
My whole life and especially now that I’m married, I’ve resented being told what to do and assuming that I’m willing to go along with it. I’d like to choose what I do with my time, when and how and I don’t what to use 5 days and £650 on this, especially without our agreement!
It never seems acceptable to not go to something simply because you’d rather do something else.
Dad has gone a bit quiet but says he’s not upset, only that he’ll maybe lose his flight deposit (his problem, not ours!).
Sister was v angry and is now trying to bargain with me about borrowing funds. We would like all our spare finances at the moment for our new house.
AITJ in this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s not in the budget and you weren’t even consulted about the plans. You guys are adults, your dad should definitely treat you like that. Your sister is being especially all sorts of unreasonable for insisting you borrow for the trip.” pixierambling
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You do not have to go at all your father is pressuring you into a situation where you have to go.
You could always take the route of saying you can not get the time off work which is not an unreasonable thing to say and it makes you seem like you were willing to go but that is a pretty jerk thing to do.” PinappleGecko
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your father should NEVER have booked travel plans without discussing the plans and cost with you. You shouldn’t give him anything toward these plans.” teresajs
18. WIBTJ If I Cancelled A Trip Planned For Next Week?
“Details: Last month I bought myself a ticket for an event in Indiana.
I took a day off work so that I could have the night of the event off and make it a road trip for the week, including visiting my best friend (Eve) for the first time in real life in a different state from the event (at the suggestion of my husband, who pointed out the distance from event to Eve is shorter than from home to Eve).
Cool. We’re on board with the plan. I’m excited, he’s happy that I’m excited about something, we have a plan for him to be home alone that week and everything is neat and sorted.
Later, husband brings up that he wants to go visit (Adam), who lives about an hour away from Eve.
His plan is to stay with Adam for a day or two while I visit Eve.
I’m somewhat reluctant for several reasons.
I reluctantly agreed to the change in plans, mostly because I did not want to deal with the emotional fallout of declining (disappointed looks, “why don’t you want to go with me”, etc)(inb4 comments on our relationship: it’s complicated, leaving isn’t an option, that’s a whole different conversation)
Additional relevant details: my husband and I are not good friends. However, we are married, so I do my best to make sure he’s comfortable and supported despite our differences, and spend most of my time on his obligations and his needs.
I don’t have a social circle anymore because he doesn’t like that my friends don’t click with him and doesn’t agree that we can have our own circles.
After the agreement, all last month, I couldn’t get any concrete answer about the timing or length of his stay with Adam, whether Adam had all the details of husband’s accommodation needs and was able to meet them, whether he was infringing on Adam’s plans or if Adam was free, etc. Huge social anxiety boost.
At this point, I’m so uncomfortable with the entire thing that I would rather just not go altogether.
I just wanted a fun mini-vacation for myself, where I did what I wanted without having to plan out every single hour, without having to worry about someone else, without having to worry about work.
I know that canceling plans now would be crappy towards Adam if he had changed his own plans, however, according to my husband, Adam was free prior to the plans and did not change any of his own obligations.
I also considered just canceling my plans, and taking husband to Adam anyway, but not spending the whole week traveling (though I really don’t want to do that either for all of the reasons above plus the toddler tantrum thought of “this whole issue predates me anyway, why do I have to commit what little free time I have to this”).
The 3rd party’s plans/concerns out of the way… WIBTJ if I canceled this trip? My husband’s behavior is making me question the right/wrongs.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like his brother asked him to pick up the gear and he doesn’t seem to grasp what a burden it is.
It wouldn’t surprise me if that’s the whole reason he suggested you go see your friend. I don’t think it’s fair to your friend to offer to visit her and then just cancel on her.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“ESH I don’t get why you care what your husband thinks of your social circle if you’re not good friends but anyway… I mean this all just seems like a mess for no reason.
Stick to your plan. If his plan doesn’t match up that’s his problem. Canceling because the whole thing is giving you social anxiety and you don’t know if his friend can accommodate him etc. etc. is kind of a jerk move because it just seems unnecessary and conflict creating.” bluntSwordsSuffer
Another User Comments:
“You WNTBTJ but I think you should just tell your husband that this was meant to be a relaxing vacation for YOU not him to just jump on last-minute especially when all other accommodations for him at home were set up.
Tell him to cancel with Adam.” jbr_7
17. AITJ For Asking My Partner To Wake Me Up?
“I’ve never had trouble waking up until I started treating my anxiety two months ago, and my recently diagnosed ADD two weeks ago. I used to be a train wreck, yes, but an early bird at that.
At the gym by 7.30, then paralyzed with anxiety for the rest of the day. Now I feel much better, but I. Just. Can’t. Wake. Up.
The alarm goes off, I will get out of bed, press snooze, come back to bed, then won’t even remember the incident.
This will happen from 6am to 9 or even 10 am… exasperating, I know.
I (F29) have lived with my partner (30M) for two years. We both work (mostly) from home. We’re doing our PhDs so we have to organize our own schedules and the academic pressure is HUGE.
Naturally, strict schedules are a big part of coping with that lifestyle. So of course after my daily alarm concert, he wakes up in a bad mood. He’s never been a morning person at all, anyway, so he’s less than thrilled with this unwelcome new morning ritual.
I feel terrible for him (and for me! I HATE to wake up late, feeling guilty for it and rushing things), but I don’t want to mess with my prescription because other than the morning issues, I haven’t felt better in years.
So before trying to alter the meds, I do the obvious (I would think), and ask BF for help.
First few days, he makes me a cup of coffee, brings it to bed and lets me know there’s coffee on the nightstand.
I’ll say thank you, he calls it job done, leaves. I, of course, fall back asleep while the coffee gets cold. Then wake up at 10, guilt-ridden and in a massive hurry.
So I ask him to REALLY wake me up.
Like, throw water on my face, shake me, engage in conversation, give me coffee only in exchange for ten sit-ups. Anything. He’s agreed because the circumstances are exceptional, but he looks fed up. And he’s done it, sort of.
As I said, he is not a morning person, so I realize 8am is a bad time to ask for an energetic pep talk.
On the other hand, though, is it really too much to ask?
He’s always up by 8. Part of me thinks we could both avoid the alarm symphony if he just put a wet towel on my face after having his morning coffee. It’s not a forever thing.
And I’ve helped him cope with his mental health too in different ways.
So, Reddit, am I being unreasonable?
Edit: it might be worth noting that before the issue arose, I used to wake up HIM every morning with a cup of coffee on the nightstand.
Also, for people saying I’m using this as an excuse to be lazy, that’s far from it. I work for 10 hours a day, teach at university level, do my share of chores and work out.
I’m not sleepy all day at all. I just have trouble with the actual waking up part.”
Another User Comments:
“I hate to say it, but YTJ.
I hate to say it because I was you a decade ago, to a T.
I’d just started new meds, was on a high-pressure but self-managed schedule in grad school, and could not get up, and it made me anxious. I asked my partner to help me, and he did a good job.
He would literally roll me out of bed, put ice cubes in my socks, take all my blankets and pillows, play death metal, etc. It worked but it bred resentment. I was making him do so much work, both physically and emotionally, and it wasn’t fair to him.
And then if whatever he tried didn’t work, I’d feel like my lateness and resulting anxiety were his fault, and he’d be angry that he was doing so much work and I didn’t seem to be trying.
This all came out in a fight one day, and when I looked at it from his side I realized I was being a jerk.
I have a few suggestions/ideas.
-
If you’re taking a stimulant, force yourself to take it at the first sound of your alarm.
You’re likely having a bit of a slump when the meds wear off overnight. Keep crackers or a banana on your nightstand if taking it on an empty stomach makes you nauseated, and take it with a cup of apple juice or milk.
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Do you have any friends or family members who would be willing to be your wake-up service? My mom gets up at 5am and loves calling me, so she’d call and force me to chat for at least 5min.
Then she’d call again 15min later to check that I was in the shower. I only needed that for like two weeks because the embarrassment of being nearly 30 and relying on my mom to wake me up was a good incentive to just get up.
I was absolutely asking her to take on that job, but since we’re not in each other’s faces all the time it worked.
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Get an app that makes you get out of bed to snooze.
I had one that wouldn’t turn off unless I took a picture of the refrigerator (it had to match a photo I set), among other things.
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Go to bed earlier and get on a sleep hygiene schedule.
Easier said than done, so do some research and make an action plan.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You don’t need to change your prescription, but you do need to change your morning routine.
When your alarm goes off, go take a cold shower. If SO is still cool with making you coffee in the morning, he can do that and you’ll have it ready and (at least slightly) cooled down by the time you get out.
Get ready for the day while sipping your coffee.
Alternately, my SO is a heavy sleeper and we have agreed if he doesn’t wake up for his alarm, I can shove him out of bed. Hitting the floor wakes him up pretty quick.
If you can’t stay away after that, talk to your doctor who prescribed you the medication as that’s a side effect that can be considered dangerous (what if there’s an emergency and you need to drive soon after waking up?
or if you’re called into work early and aren’t allowed to skip?).” CannibalBun
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you obviously need the help to wake up. But as a wife to a man who requires 40 minutes of me nagging before he gets up, it’s annoying.
Your situation is totally different from mine, but I do empathize with your partner. I’d suggest looking into alternative solutions. I.e.. scent therapy. Eating a sour candy when the alarm goes off, etc., etc. Good luck!!!
Side note, sometimes the sleep stuff gets easier with more time on the meds. Once your body has fully adjusted.” jbotheunicorn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your SO isn’t much of a jerk, but you definitely aren’t – if you can’t wake up on your own, you should be able to ask someone you trust to help.
(Heck, that goes for if you can’t do anything on your own, having already tried your best.) It’s not like you’re even asking selfishly, you said you’re trying to make it so that neither of you has to deal with the “symphony.”
On the other hand, you could potentially try a few other things, there are apps that make you do tasks in order to turn the alarm off, or ask someone else to give you a call and make sure you’re conversing.
But again, if anyone’s willing to do that it should be your partner.” autumnflame4
16. AITJ For Being Angry At My Husband For Copying My Hobby?
“I’m not going to mention any details about what these hobbies are, because I don’t really want to be identified; it’s something fairly niche.
For the past 3 years, I’ve had a consistent art-related hobby that I’ve become really good at.
My husband has dabbled in the said hobby but never to the degree I have. About two weeks ago, I told him that I wanted to expand my hobby into another, similar hobby. He instantly says he thinks that’s a great idea.
I begin investing in materials and tools. Then I consult a few people I know who have been doing this more-complex hobby for decades, and I sought out advice and tips from people I would consider experts.
We have a group of about 8 friends who I’m planning on sharing this project with once it’s finished. Husband is constantly asking me what my plan is, and offering unsolicited advice. He started watching these YouTube videos about the hobby.
I was appreciative at first but started to get annoyed as time went on that someone who’s never even touched the materials was lecturing me
Last Friday, I was telling him the details of what I was planning, and the entire time he rolled his eyes, shook his head, and mumbled, “Nope.
That won’t work. You should just do exactly what this guy on YouTube does” and I lost it a little. It’s a very heavily male-dominated hobby which probably added to my impulsive defensiveness. I told him that I felt like I was being man-splained to, and that I really didn’t want his opinion.
He became incredibly hurt, “Fine. I guess I’ll just nod and say, ‘Cool, babe,’ because you don’t value my opinion at all, and you’re clearly an expert even though you’re a beginner. ” We end up talking through it later that evening and decide that he’s going to leave me alone about my project, but is free to do his own research into the hobby and if he contributes to materials, can use my specialty tools.
Suddenly, without saying a word to me, my husband announces to the 8 friends I was intending to show my finished product to, in a group chat, that he started doing this new hobby (no mention of me) including pictures of his completed work he made using my tools and materials.
(I was doing something complex, he chose to instead follow YouTube step by step for the fastest possible results, with no artistic creativity whatsoever. He literally followed a template while I was building and designing something from scratch.
Granted, his still looks professional, but he didn’t do anything original, or creative with it.) As soon as I saw that message, I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. I still feel resentful and betrayed. I explained to him that I felt like he was stealing my glory, and just swooped in and stole all the praise for my idea and my project.
He insisted I was being petty, because I didn’t invent this hobby and therefore anything I was doing wasn’t an original idea, and it’s my fault for not working faster. He told me I was being selfish.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Why don’t you guys do this hobby together? Seems like he wants to, but neither of you respects the other’s opinion and are more caught up in the level of expertise being displayed (you want to do it your own way, he wants to do it “by the book” according to YouTube).
You seem more resentful that he got to brag about it before you did.” Deceptivejunk
15. AITJ For Not Wanting To Celebrate My Brother's Birthday?
“So there’s me, 24. My sister is 29.
So my brother turns 40 on the 30th. Honestly, I wasn’t planning to do too much about it.
Our relationship has been fractured for many reasons I don’t want to get into. He’s got a wife, two kids (1.5F and 8M), and barely does anything. Due to his “health problems” that he doesn’t do anything about, she is the sole breadwinner.
My mom, sister, and my SIL’s mother do all of the babysitting for free, while my brother… Sleeps?
It’s infuriating and I keep myself as removed as I can. I’m dealing with my own host of mental and physical problems (that I am dealing with) and I can’t add any more of other people’s problems to my plate.
So I see my brother a couple of weeks ago and he asks to go out for lunch for his birthday. I say, maybe. He then asks if he can go to a restaurant that’s frankly out of my price range, like $20-30 a person.
I really tell him that I don’t know. I don’t make a whole lot and I’m struggling to make it out of my parent’s house as it is.
I text my sister and ask her what she thinks, see if we can split the bill.
She obliges, but we both agree that this is his present. This was Sunday.
We were supposed to go to lunch, but he ended up being too tired to get ready in a timely fashion and his car wasn’t ready (he and his wife share a car and she was out).
I was ready to go at 12:30, and then all of a sudden plans get pushed to 4:30. I keep my cool bc it’s his birthday, but my 1 of 2 days off is totally thrown in the crapper bc he can’t get himself together in a timely manner, ever.
After his meal, tip and tax, my half of his bill comes out to be $15. I don’t spend a lot on birthdays anymore, and I thought this would suffice. But then he asks what we’re all doing next Sunday, to see if we’d do something at my parent’s house for our mother to make a cake and dinner, which would probably consist of swordfish.
Everyone is floored. Me, my sister, my SO, my mother who somehow got her afternoon tied up bc of this mess (plus she has Celiac’s and wants her to bake the cake and he doesn’t like GF cakes), are all like, what is his deal?
We celebrated his birthday. That’s why we went out.
I don’t want to tie up another Sunday with his shenanigans, but yet, I feel bad. It’s his 40th and no one wants to do anything.
But the other half of me is saying, we did do something. We took him out to lunch. We didn’t do cake, but he has his own family now. I think that he should invite us to his house, but honestly, I don’t even want to do that.
I’m really conflicted here. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He asked to do lunch for his birthday, at a specific place that was a stretch for you financially, and you did. You are done here.
And I don’t like how he just sprung this on your mom, who would have to do all the work. Sometimes, it’s ok for the answer to be no.” cleanyourmirror
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna say NTJ.
He asked if you’d go to lunch for his birthday and you did. Then he just sprang this on you? He’s a grown man. He should have organized his own birthday in advance if he wanted a party or something.
Or at least asked his wife or parents if they wanted to organize it for him.
I’d make it clear that you went to lunch to celebrate and that next weekend isn’t good for you, it’s too short notice.” MeteorOfTheHour
14. WIBTJ If I Confronted My Mother In Law?
“My fiancé [26M] and I [26F] have been together for about five years now. When we got together, we both had a lot of baggage when it came to our families. Emotionally abusive mom on my side and his mom drank heavily and he grew up without a dad.
My parents passed away in 2014 and 2016 which made my fiancé want to try and mend some fences with his mom. From the little he’s told me, she would drink frequently and say many things about his weight or he would have to take care of her when she was getting rip-roaring intoxicated with her brothers.
He keeps a lot in and doesn’t like to talk about it because it’s still painful for him. On my side being affected by her intoxicated self, we were friends on social media and she started messaging my friends that she had never met in an intoxicated state and I thought unfriending her on social media would possibly show her that her behavior is unacceptable.
Since being with him, he’s only had one conversation with her about it. She did really great afterward and I think this had a lot to do with her first grandchild being born (my fiancé’s brother, not ours) but this came with a lot of drawbacks as well.
He and his mom planned lunch together with all of us for my fiancé’s birthday. His brother’s family couldn’t make it so it was just me, my fiancé, and his mother. I didn’t think it would be bad but I had to hold my tongue as she talked about how disappointed she was that she wasn’t seeing her grandson and went on and on about how she missed her grandson AT MY FIANCE’S BIRTHDAY LUNCH.
I was so annoyed but I never said anything about it to her but haven’t let it go.
Fast forward to this weekend. We got some pretty unfortunate news about my fiancé’s nephew and to keep my fiancé’s family’s privacy and because they might find this post, I won’t say exactly what.
It was his mom who told him via social media messenger. He tried a couple of responses but wasn’t getting anything back. I suggested he call her because she was probably upset and needed someone to actually talk to.
He was hesitant but went through with it and after five seconds, we both knew she was intoxicated from her slurring and talking about nonsense that had nothing to do with the situation. After finally getting off the phone with her, he was so upset and it absolutely broke my heart.
He gets so angry and upset when it comes to this situation and I vented my frustration about it as well.
We have family events coming up and I know myself. It’s going to be hard to hold back when something is bothering me and especially when it’s something that hurts my fiancé.
He doesn’t seem to have a problem with me saying something to her if it comes to that but I feel like the passive response will not work with her any longer and it needs to be firm, even if it’s hurtful.
She’s older and doesn’t have all the time in the world to fix her relationship with her son and with a lot of unresolved issues with my parents after their deaths, So WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, seems like the opinion that counts here other than your own is your fiancé’s. If he has no problem with it, then you are in the clear although you shouldn’t use it as a license to pounce on her.
Be sure she does/says something worthy of it first then you have his blessing.” Stup2plending
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I am not sure it’s your place to do so. You should probably look to support him in confronting her directly.
I say this for two reasons; The nature of the relationship, she is his mother and not yours and two the blowback might be considerable coming from a “third-party” as it were.
Good luck, families are really tricky!” Asarios
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but it definitely seems like a situation where you’d want to be very careful with your execution. If your fiancé is okay with it, your best interest may definitely be in having a talk with his mother privately to avoid a potentially dramatic situation at a future family event.” prttyguardian
13. AITJ For Bothering A Neighbor After Locking Myself Out?
“So I’m an idiot and I took our dog for a walk before bed (10.30pm) and when I got back I realized I didn’t have my keys on me. Crap. The neighborhood is fairly safe but the city, in general, isn’t and I really didn’t want to sit outside waiting for my partner to get back or cut his evening short.
So I figured I would walk around the building, find out which light was on, and ring the flat where people were still up. And so I did. Or so I thought. I have very bad spatial intelligence (something completely alien to my BF because he’s an architect) and I honestly thought I was ringing the flat with the blatant lights on.
To my surprise, a different neighbor picks up the intercom and yells “it’s really late!” To which I reply “I am horribly sorry to bother you but I’m your neighbor X from flat Y and I’m locked outside, could you please buzz me in?” He went off on me for bothering him so late, I kept apologizing, but he hung up on me and left me outside.
(He recognized me, it wasn’t about security).
I tried a different flat and the neighbor was lovely about it and let me in.
So when my partner gets back home ,I recount this little incident, as an anecdote.
He goes off on a rant. I’m a jerk for bothering this man so late because he has children (8 and 9yo, ish) and that he’s not surprised he’d yell at me and leave me outside.
I said the neighbor was absolutely in his right to be mad at me and tell me off, but he was already at the intercom, he could have just buzzed me in. Maybe I’m in the wrong but that just felt petty.
But of course, the real issue was not the neighbor.
My partner says I’m systematically careless with things like my keys and that is selfish because I expect people to solve my stuff for me.
What was really hurtful about that is that 2 weeks ago, I was diagnosed with ADD and I was SO RELIEVED and my partner knows this. I keep to-do lists everywhere, calendars, a journal, and like five different productivity apps on my phone to keep track of things, and yet I lose and forget practical things frequently, or double-book appointments, things like that.
I have always worked really hard to stay on top of things: my house is always sparkling clean, my pets are always taken care of, and I’m doing a PhD, ffs. So I’m not just wallowing in self-pity.
But when my psychiatrist diagnosed me I felt relieved because I realized I’m not stupid or a failure… he explained things like this are just a bit more difficult for me than the average person.
Now, I’m not the one to just expect the world to revolve around my mental issues. I work hard on myself. So I’d like a moderate amount of sympathy. But I get that my partner gets frustrated (he is very much on top of practical matters).
It must be exhausting to him to see me lose and forget things that are so basic to being an adult. I guess he’s understandably running out of sympathy in that area.
So, Reddit, help me figure this out!
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think you both have valid points. Obviously, this isn’t about just the neighbor; your partner has probably thought that you are careless at the expense of others often. Whether or not he is valid in feeling that way, we don’t know without more info.
I will say this particular case does show that both sides have a point. You made an honest mistake and IMO 10:30pm isn’t too late to ring someone who has their lights on. On the other hand, it was also indeed your own fault you forgot your keys and you really did compound the mistake with another error ringing the wrong house so you were a little careless in the situation.” DaisyInc
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but it sounds like you need a better system for keeping track of things like keys. Maybe it would help to come up with some thing so that you can attach a spare set of keys to your dog’s leash so that anytime you grab the leash, you also have the keys?” commandrix
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You made an honest mistake and didn’t deserve to be yelled at, especially since the guy knew who you were. Your partner’s first reaction was to lecture you instead of show empathy.
Why wasn’t his first response, “Oh, OP, I’m so sorry that happened to you”? You’re doing a great job, but it doesn’t sound like you have a great partner.” HindsightGraduate
12. AITJ For Not Going To An Important Meeting?
“In my spare time, I am in a theater group.
Right now we are working on a project involving different theater groups in different parts of the country. At the end of September, there is a meeting in another city (five hours away) where someone from our group must attend, otherwise, we cannot participate in the project.
The thing is that the teacher for the group can’t attend the meeting (I don’t know why) and is now trying to get me to attend the meeting instead. The train to the city and back will probably be paid for by the school behind the theater group but they will not pay for a place to stay.
I have my partner in the city and my teacher says I can stay with my partner. The thing is that the meeting takes all weekend and I will not be able to see him more than at night and at breakfast. I have just started university, and this will be the weekend just before a hectic period and I have a feeling that I will not have time to study if I go to the meeting.
I get anxiety attacks and I know that these types of events are easy triggers for me, also the fact that I will have to take the bus to the meeting alone which scares me as this is also one of my usual triggers.
I have tried to talk to her that this is not a good idea. I think such a weekend would be bad for my mental health at a normal time but just before a hectic period at university can ruin the whole week for me and not just the meeting.
I texted her to say I don’t want to go to the meeting and she has to come up with something else instead. Then she started writing that she doesn’t know if we can solve it in another way or send someone else.
She also said things before, like if no one (read me, because she didn’t ask anyone else) is in the meeting then we can’t participate in the project.
Now I feel like a jerk for letting everyone down.
I understand that she has other things in life than her work. As I write this, I think through the situation and feel that I should go to the meeting even though I do not want to, so as not to let the others in the group down.
My teacher may have a very good reason not to go that I don’t know about and I feel like a jerk for not going.
Am I the jerk for not ensuring that we can participate in the project that my group wants?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mental well-being and university success come first. It sounds like she counted on you to do this without consulting you first. Don’t let her guilt you into doing something that will cause problems for you.” AdamWestsButtDouble
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Take care of yourself first if you think that doing this will endanger your mental state then tell them you can’t do it.” CantBeliveme
11. AITJ For Wanting My Mom To Stop Going Out So Often?
“So a bit of context.
My parents are divorcing after a pretty garbage relationship to be quite honest and a couple of other incidents mostly involving my dad being a jerk (story for another day).
We have been pretty glad about it and such. But up until recently, my mother has been going out a lot mostly at night. Initially we didn’t mind and we were happy she was going out and socializing.
Then she started going out a lot more. She started going out essentially nearly every night even if she had work the next morning, usually coming home at 2 or 3 AM. A few times she hasn’t come home because she was intoxicated which is already concerning since drinking is really bad for her health.
When we tried to tell her about this and tell her to slow down a bit, she would retaliate saying how she didn’t get to enjoy her young life when she got with my dad (she got pregnant with my oldest sister when she was 16 and married my dad who was like 22), how she doesn’t wanna be held back like that again and how we are old enough to take care of ourselves.
The issue with the last one is mostly the fact that my sisters, despite being adults, still rely on my mother for health reasons. I’m 16 and although I don’t have any health issues like that, my sisters end up doing my mom’s duties which they really shouldn’t be doing.
We’ve gotten into so many arguments over this that some classmates at my high school think I’m mistreating my mom and it’s starting to seep into our other family members. Many of them agree with the notion that yeah you shouldn’t go out nearly every day and you should at least spend a few nights with your kids.
Her argument against that is the fact that she has been doing that for the majority of her late teens and adult life and she is tired of that and that we never do anything.
We tried having a pizza night and that ended in an argument over her insulting my sister’s problems and her leaving to her new partner (which is another can of worms).
We really do understand our mom here and we are happy she is socializing after a crappy divorce.
But are me and my sisters the jerks for wanting her to slow down and spend time with us too instead of just going to the club every night? Is everyone a jerk? Is nobody a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. While I’m sure your mom is going through a tough time after her divorce, she is handling it very immaturely and is neglecting the most important thing in her life, her children.
You and your sisters should do something along the lines of holding an intervention. Get together with your sisters and write out specific talking points. Be organized and prepared and talk to your mother together.
If you think it would help, have an adult family member there too so your mom won’t be able to use the excuse that you are just children. Your mom is being a jerk, and will continue to do so without outside intervention.” Pkron17
Another User Comments:
“NTJ however I think you maybe need to approach the situation differently. It must be hard for your mom and you have to remember that she has sacrificed for so long to bring you and your sisters up.
Yes you are right about spending time together but it sounds like issues keep propping up when this happens. Try to enjoy the time together doing something you all enjoy. Maybe a trip to the cinema or something else and take it from there.
Your mom is probably going through some sort of mid-life crisis and you just have to be there for her.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, assuming you’re the youngest at 16. I don’t think it’s abandonment, but she’s pushing the edge of appropriateness.
I’m wary to call her a jerk, because I feel for where she’s coming from and that you guys are capable. She needs to find a healthy outlet for socialization, and you guys need and deserve a stable home environment.” theres_a_con
Where is dad? Why ard you nit throwing fits at him? He gets to leave and gets off Scott free?
What duties does she neglect that sisters perform? Unless they are terminal, maybe mom has done too much. If if they have health issues mom isn't the only option.
I have been your mom. She is struggling to find herself while hurting. And you aren't helping by criticizing her and wanting her to be the person she cant be anymore. Give her time. She will come around. But if you push her and criticize her, she will resent you. If she gives up more of her life, then you leave the next, then she may lose her chances to grow while catering to practically grown adults. She wants to find herself before she is too old. You are asking her to bury pain and chance to change herself so that you are comfortable before you leave her for your own lives.
She will settle down and find herself, but she will never be who she was.
10. AITJ For Getting Annoyed At My Partner For Wasting My Time?
“The backstory: Been with my partner for 3 years. We live together and are in the same year of the same program in university. We spend most of our time together, and I genuinely love her to death.
She frequently asks me to do favors for her, many times a day. She asks me to drive her places (appointments, classes, the gym, friends’ houses); get her things from the store; fetch her drinks or make her food; proofread applications, reports, emails, and assignments; and accompany her while she runs errands.
She does reciprocate the favor if I ask her for something similar, but I don’t regularly ask her for anything, and there is a huge imbalance.
She asks me for so many favors throughout the day that I feel like I spend more time doing things for her than I do for myself.
The part about accompanying her on errands is the one that drives me the craziest. Most of the activities only require one person, and I feel like my involvement is a waste of my time since she is perfectly capable of doing these things by herself.
Also, we have both spent the entire summer working full time, and begin school again in less than a week. We moved to a new place on Monday, and had only 10 precious days before the start of school (next week on Wednesday).
It is now Thursday, and so far we have spent most of our time doing things with very little relevance to the house.
For instance, on Tuesday, we went shopping for nearly 4 hours so she could buy a raincoat (legitimate need, since it has been pouring here lately and she was scheduled to go kayaking on Wednesday).
This resulted in her buying 5 jackets at 3 different stores, 4 of which were returned today after she chose the one she liked the most. On both occasions (the purchase and the return trip) I accompanied her.
This afternoon (the same day as the return trip) she asked me to come with her to the pharmacy to get a prescription filled. While we waited 45 minutes for it to be filled, we went shopping in the connected mall, where I watched her try on shoes.
I wanted to look in the nearby bookstore, but my request was expressly denied and we never made it there.
Here is the conflict: I am frustrated and angry with my partner for causing me, in my opinion, to waste the little time I have before school starts.
Our program is very intense and I will be doing 12 months straight with very few breaks. So, naturally, I wanted to take some time to relax and refresh before the storm starts to brew again.
Our house is still a disaster. We already blew off a camping trip with our friends because we wanted to have enough time to get our stuff together. Now though, I don’t feel like we will have time to do anything besides organize the house, and I am getting stressed out and frustrated.
AITJ for being mad at my partner because I feel like she has wasted my time?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ quite obviously as you haven’t done anything wrong. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings and if you’re not happy with how the relationship is working then you need to express that more clearly.
If she can’t take that which I find unlikely you’re in a tricky position, but something as simple as just wanting to go to the bookstore is no big deal. Seems very unreasonable that she expects you to watch her try on shoes but won’t return the favor.
I could go on and on, in reality OP you just need to figure this one out, there will be a balance to keep you both happy.” Le_9k_Redditor
Another User Comments:
“You’re not the jerk but you let her use you for no reason.
She can go shopping by herself and by the looks of it, she can do most of those things herself but you should be angry at yourself, not at her, because it’s your duty to just say no. Maybe she doesn’t even know that what she’s doing is wrong because you never tell her anything about it.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“You’re not the jerk, you’re the sad sac who follows around your partner like a dog. My partner and I run errands together constantly, but they are not completely one sided and if it is easy to do we stop where each-other wants to.” manofsea
9. AITJ For Not Putting Away My Laundry?
“I want to start by saying I am a 17-year-old senior in high school. I wake up every morning at around 6:30 to get to school on time and I usually get there by just a few minutes.
I wear the same 5 or so outfits every day so to save time I just keep them on a chair in my room (which I never use) where they’re in plain sight and easy-to-access.
I do this because every time I look in my closet my brain gets confused because I have so many options I often waste a lot of time either trying to find one of my usual shirts, or I try and find something I haven’t worn in a while (I usually give up though and just grab one of my usuals.)
My logic is since I wear the same outfits nearly every day there’s no reason to put them away. I not only waste time throwing them in my closet but also looking through my closet to find that same outfit, so it just makes more sense to me to keep them on my chair.
And as little time as it takes, it’s still easier to just grab them off my chair than for me to go to my closet and take my clothes off their hangers.
Usually, within a few days, I’ll put the laundry away when I have a minute so my mom doesn’t pester me about it, but it’s been so easy just grabbing the same outfits off my chair.
I haven’t bothered to put them away for about a week. Well, my mom had finally had enough. She started threatening me with punishments if I didn’t put my clothes away. I tried to explain my logic to her, but no matter how hard I tried to convince her she just said back that “it’s disrespectful to me not to put them away.”
Now I 100% respect my mother. She makes my life super easy and is always helpful and there to pick up the phone when I need to talk to someone or ask about something. I don’t believe me not putting my clothes away is rebellious or anything of the like, but my mom sees it that way.
Our house isn’t a model home, on the market, or anything of the sort, and the few times a year we have guests over they usually don’t even set foot in the basement, let alone my room down there, so I don’t understand why my mom cares so much considering we’re not showing off the house.
My life is actually easier when my laundry sits on my chair which confuses me since my mom usually tries to make my life easier, so I don’t understand why I can’t just leave the laundry on my chair.
This seems like such a silly argument but I really would like to know for the future: AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Listen, I get it. I have the chair too, I also find it easier to grab clothes from it than from the closet.
In my case, it’s 90% laziness and my mom always got in my case because of that (I live alone now). I wouldn’t call you a jerk, and your mom is definitely not the jerk here either.
However, this is clearly important to her and it’s a matter of respect. You live under her roof, she does a lot for you, just do this for her. Think about how happy and satisfied she will feel after.
As for your closet, Marie Kondo that crap and keep only the things that inspire you happiness. Clear it out and you will feel less overwhelmed when searching for clothes.” downvotelizard
Another User Comments:
“Clean out your closet and get rid of things you don’t wear anymore.
Then, with the newfound room, put your clothes away. It sounds like it’s important to her, and she’s doing a lot for you. YTJ.” KillerWhaleShark
8. AITJ For Making My Husband Tell Me What's Wrong?
“I am at my parents’ house this week visiting and he had to return to work.
I get a text message asking if I was busy because he needed to talk to me privately. I hear this and it makes me very nervous. I was busy, my mom and I were just going to lunch with the kids, but I called him because it sounded important.
When he answered the phone, he sounded really upset. When I asked why he said forget about it and we would talk when we had more time. I have anxiety disorder and he knows that if he tells me he needs to talk to me and then doesn’t tell me what is going on I get very nervous.
I asked him to please tell me. I was worried something happened between him and his mom (she can be difficult to deal with at times), or something had happened to his 91-year-old grandfather, or something happened to the new car.
There were so many different things it could be and I was worried about it. He tells me to forget it. I tell him he can’t just tell me we need to talk and then refuse to talk.
He even went as far as hanging up on me. I called him back and begged him to please tell me. I was getting angry at this point. I told him I would be panicked all day if he didn’t let me know what was happening.
He gets really angry at me. He tells me he got his b***d work back and has to go on Lipitor. He tells me I am too pushy and am a jerk for pushing him when he was going through such a difficult time.
I told him I was sorry, but he was the one who wanted to talk and he couldn’t tell me there was a problem and then just leave me hanging. I told him I love him and I just want to support him and we can figure out how to handle this.
He gets mad and says he doesn’t want to talk now because I had been too pushy and he couldn’t deal with me right then.
I did send him a text apologizing, but I told him I was very worried and I just needed to know what was going on.
We have already started eating better because I recently was told I have celiac and can’t eat wheat or gluten and we have been eating things like quinoa and more vegetables in place of certain foods.
I will help him through whatever he has to do to get healthier. I don’t want to make this about me, I was just very concerned for him. Plus, he was the one who said we needed to talk.”
Another User Comments:
“I may be way off base here. If he is on Lipitor because his cholesterol is high, it’s not the end of the world. No one wants to be told they are not perfectly healthy but it’s not earth-shattering news.
Unless he has a weird lipid issue.
That said, he knows you have an anxiety disorder, he put you in a position of increased anxiety. If it could have waited then he should have waited until he knew you were free.
He had full control of the situation and when the time came he didn’t deliver the news knowing this would cause you issues. I don’t think YTJ.” stealthy_singh
Another User Comments:
“You’re not the jerk.
He’s being difficult. You do not call someone to see if they can talk, and then refuse to take “yes” for an answer. And you don’t make taking a new cholesterol medicine sound like a breakup or a cancer diagnosis.
Unless the last 5 generations of his family died within 2 weeks of receiving a Lipitor prescription, he needs to calm down a little.” flignir
Another User Comments:
“He knew exactly what he was doing and what it would do to you.
He’s probably scared and just wants to be worried over and made the center of attention. But as an adult, he should have handled this much better. All you did was ask something that as his wife you have a right to know, it’s just compounded by the fact that you have an anxiety disorder.
You’re not the jerk, he is.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“Your husband is a jerk.
Every human being knows the earth-shattering terror induced by the words ‘we need to talk.’
A good person never says those words to anyone.
Ever.
Your husband is obviously upset about his deteriorating health, but he needs to come to terms with the fact that in life, we all age, our bodies fail us and we leave this world, peeing the bed and confused about who the people we love are.
He needs to accept his own mortality and stop reminding you of yours by causing you heart attacks with the old ‘we need to talk’ bull crap.” ICanSeeYourFuture
7. AITJ For Criticizing Someone's Work?
“My online friend, “A,” and I drifted apart about two years ago. A is very sensitive and tends to think the worst of other people. They will easily make a defensive snap-judgment and be rude and aggressive to someone who was well-meaning.
I won’t stand by if my friends are being rude, even if it’s hard to hear.
A has a webcomic. In it, a character, “C,” is an incredibly abusive person, physically and psychologically.
But at the same time, they make him seem harmless and pathetic. It felt to me like the author excuses, ignores, and maybe even glorifies his behavior, because he’s mentally ill. Even the mistreated characters try to justify his behavior to the characters that think it’s wrong.
I’ve been mistreated in a similar-ish way and it was really uncomfortable to read.
I decided to contact A because I felt that A did not intend to write C this way. They were also planning to reboot the comic anyway, so it was a good time.
The conversation steered elsewhere for a while, but then A asked me to elaborate. I asked them about their goals, to make sure I wouldn’t make assumptions, and I complimented them for their efforts.
Then I told them my concerns, clarifying that it was only my opinion. They were frustrated at me for not trusting that they would fix it for the reboot.
Honestly, I doubt they will, because during the conversation they said it “wasn’t C’s fault” and that he’s “not really a bad person.” Giving them the benefit of the doubt, I asked to see their fixed scripts when they’re finished (which they used to share often), and they agreed. I know they have trouble communicating, so multiple times, I asked them if I was crossing a line, or if they were anxious, and each time they said it was fine.
I thought it went okay. Not great, but okay.
Turns out they were bottling up their bad feelings. They did a big vague tweet thread about me about a week later. They made the conversation look really bad, saying I “felt entitled” to their scripts when that wasn’t the case, among other things.
Finally, they sent a wall of text to me, saying I’ve been rude and insensitive to them. It’s full of completely incorrect assumptions/accusations about my intentions. I apologize and tell them if they want to ask me questions to clarify the situation, they can.
But they just proceeded to block me. It honestly felt really crappy that they would assume all that stuff and not even try to communicate their feelings.
Now they seem upset and demotivated, and I’m pretty sure it’s my fault.
If I were writing something with mistreatment-excusing implications, I would want to know. I wanted to talk to A as a concerned fan first and an ex-friend second, but I don’t know if it was my place to do that.
From A’s perspective, our friendship originally ended because I gave too much uninvited criticism, and I just came out of the woodwork after two years to do it again.
The more I think about it, the less sure I am on if I’m the jerk or not.
What do you think? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They are a jerk for failure to communicate in a healthy way but from the comic I don’t find that surprising. People write what they know and they may be writing the story about themselves as the mistreated or the one doing the mistreating.” Justfornow250
6. AITJ For Asking My Neighbor To Stop Dumping Their Lawn Waste On My Property?
“My wife and I are new homeowners and we live at the end of a dead-end street.
The street ends at a small clearing covered with tall weeds, some wildflowers, and grasses. Our lawn borders this small clearing.
One day, we saw two of our neighbors from two different houses on the street dumping their yard waste at the clearing bordering our house.
They had their lawn clippings and various yard waste collected into a large wheelbarrow and they wheeled it directly in plain sight right past the front of our house and proceeded to dump it haphazardly in a pile in the clearing.
They have done this frequently throughout the year, and it’s been picking up in frequency lately. My wife and I didn’t want to say anything to them at first because we were afraid of a confrontation and we didn’t want to upset them.
Nevertheless, the pile is growing and growing.
Each of the neighbors has access to empty clearings across the street from their own homes and they also have the option of having the town haul away their yard waste every Sunday but they don’t use either of these alternative options available to them.
It upsets my wife and I greatly each time we see them dump their waste two feet away from our property. It feels like the neighbors have no consideration or respect for us and our home.
This afternoon I saw one of the neighbors was pushing their wheelbarrow of lawn waste towards the dead end again. I happened to be outside at the time and was performing some yard maintenance. I didn’t actually think he would attempt to dump his waste directly in front of me but I was wrong and he was wheeling right past me and toward the clearing.
I was flabbergasted at this aggressive display and asked him nicely if he could discontinue dumping his waste next to my land. It basically went like this:
Me: ‘Hey there neighbor, would you mind not dumping there, I’d appreciate it!’ (said with a smile and a wave)
Neighbor: ‘Uhhhhh, I guess…’
Silence for 10 seconds.
Neighbor: ‘Do you mind if I ask why?’
Me (trying to be diplomatic): ‘I just got new lawn equipment and I want to beautify that area.’
Neighbor: (taking a dig at our natural grass because he paid to put turf put down) ‘Are you getting grass?’
What they’re doing is actually illegal in our town and if we cared to, we would be well within our rights to video record them dumping and they’ll be fined.
Are we crazy for being upset that the neighbors are dumping yard waste next to our house? Are we the jerks?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ But I would highly recommend not filming them and reporting it… You do not need the life having neighbors who hate you will grant you.
Just clean up the lot and if they still keep doing it have a conversation with them about how you would like it to add to property values in the neighborhood rather than detract.” Neville2MyLuna
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My next-door neighbor likes to spray killer next to the shared fence and my parents asked him to stop as we had (at the time) 2 dogs that liked to lay in that area, and we didn’t want them to be eating killer grass and getting in on their fur.” thompsonmegan20
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I don’t see what the harm is in dumping yard waste in the empty lot next to your property. If you are indeed planning to beautify it in some way, I think it was fine to make that request. Not sure where the conversation went from there, but “Are you getting grass?” doesn’t sound like a dig at your natural grass to me.” jeffsang
5. AITJ For Hoping My Friend Would Notice Something Was Wrong?
“Before I start, I want this to be clear. This is NOT for validation, and I am not looking for pity, I am just genuinely confused about my feels and whether or not they make me come off as a jerk or not.
This one will be a little bit different, because while it does include a 2nd party, the actual conflict is between me and me alone.
For context: I have a best friend, and we’ll call him Brad.
He has been my closest and best friend for 3 years, going on 4. He’s helped me with issues during the beginning of our friendship, and I can never thank him enough for all he’s done for me.
I have always had extreme body image issues and they have been very damaging to my mental health, and yes, I have seen a therapist before and I am currently working on getting better. Over the summer, I felt like it would be a bother to vent about it to anybody except my online friend, we’ll call him L.
It then got to the point of what some would call an eating disorder. I wouldn’t like to call it an eating disorder, because only a total of 7-9 lbs was lost until now. Either way, I was counting calories like kids on a school bus, hardly eating, and when I ate more than a collective 300 calories, I got so frustrated and angry at myself for it I ended up throwing it back up.
Then, school started again in August, and I was still very not okay. Given, I still looked like a healthy weight. I started at 135 and dropped down to 128 during that time, but I noticed Brad wasn’t really paying attention to me.
I’m not sure if it was jealousy or not, but some part of me was exhibiting some kind of toxic behavior that craved his attention.
I kept doing it, and it eventually seeped its way into my everyday life, and was getting harder to hide.
There were moments, which became very, very common later on, where I literally sat and thought to myself, “When is Brad going to notice? When is he going to care?”
My pessimism made me instantly jump to the conclusion that he simply prioritized everything over me, which I should clearly understand isn’t the case.
Given, during the first time he helped me through my eating disorder, he was the only person helping me, and when I finally started recovering he told me if I did it a 2nd time, it would only take him a week or 2 to notice.
One week went by, then two, then three, then eventually I was just pushing to see if he was going to notice or bother to intervene. Eventually, he did.
I look back on the past month or so, at all the toxic behaviors I exhibited during my mental state of me vs.
me, and the fact that I tried to include Brad in my little attention crave makes me sick, but another part of me kind of sympathizes with it and sees it as a solely psychological thing.
I’m completely unsure on whether or not the behavior I showed was wrong or not. My brain tries to rationalize it, but at the same time, I somewhat feel like it’s wrong. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you are mentally unwell and it’s good you are seeking therapy and recognize that you need professional help.
It seems like your behaviors only hurt yourself so far (unless you lashed out at or retaliated against Brad in some way, which I didn’t see evidence of in your post).
If you had actively mistreated Brad over this then it would get into jerk territory but for now it just seems like an internal conflict within your head.
Wishing you the best in resolving these feelings within yourself.” MundaneCommission
Another User Comments:
“In a way, you are being the jerk. It’s likely that your friends do notice, but are young and don’t know how to handle witnessing something as traumatizing as someone struggling with a severe mental illness such as an eating disorder.
It is also kind of manipulative of you to just “wish” someone would notice these things, and push yourself to the brink to let them notice, rather than actively communicating, “I have a problem, I need help with this.” I suffered from an ED for years and have since recovered well.
Reaching out for help is weird but is a great thing for you to do for yourself. I hit 80 pounds at 18. That was the worst it got. Good luck. Please practice self care and open communication.” blackmetalwarlock
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. To yourself, and also your friend, but mostly to yourself. Please don’t do this to yourself. It’s a one way ticket to full-blown eating disorder-ville, and other attention-seeking toxic behavior. Continue speaking to your therapist, and sit your friend down and have a very honest conversation.
Any good relationship, even just friends, relies on open communication to make them work.” vactu
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m not going to call you a jerk because your behavior is a symptom of your mental illness.
You are struggling with an eating disorder and it is causing you to act in a way that is harmful to you and others. You need help. I wish you the best on your road to recovery.” peonypegasus
4. AITJ For Going With A Friend While On Vacation With Someone Else?
“My friend we’ll call Sophie (F22) invited me (F23) to go on a vacation to a popular theme park with her and her family for several days. I offered quite a few times to chip in for park tickets or the hotel, but both she and her parents told me no, all I had to worry about was the flight to get down there as it was out of state.
The first day was a lot fun, but they wanted to leave before the big firework show which disappointed me. I did understand, though. They paid, they could decide when we came and left. I didn’t say a word or express my disappointment.
There was no way for me to stay as they had the rental car and an Uber/Lyft/taxi would’ve been too expensive.
Second night there, I found out a friend from high school was also at the parks.
She was staying for the fireworks and invited both me & Sophie, saying she’d take us back to the hotel. Sophie declined and said her family didn’t like the firework show. I said I wanted to stay and watch it, so I’d see her later.
Sophie didn’t protest or anything, she just said she’d see me later and left with her parents (who also didn’t make a fuss).
When I got back to the hotel later on (not too late, Sophie and her folks were still up), Sophie wasn’t talking to me.
Eventually, after we got ready for bed, I got her to tell me what was wrong. She told me that she found it wrong that I stayed behind when I was on vacation with her, that I was ungrateful (despite thanking them for everything) and that it had really hurt her feelings.
The next morning, her parents were acting off too. Eventually, everyone got over it and the vacation improved. However, afterward, Sophie vented about it to another friend and the fact that I never apologized (I just sort of defended myself).
Now I wonder if I should have.
Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH — your friend Sophie is right in some ways that because she and her family took you on vacation, you shouldn’t give off any impression that you’re ungrateful, or having anything less than a great time that you’re appreciative of.
On the other hand, Sophie should have seen that you really want to see the fireworks show and stayed with you. And it’s not like you missed out on anything with Sophie or made Sophie do anything alone — they just went back to the hotel to sleep right?
It made no difference if you were there or not. So I see both perspectives, and really it should have been a total non-issue. If Sophie really hates fireworks that much she shouldn’t have cared you stayed. Are you sure everything went down exactly how you perceived it?
Did Sophie really feel welcome to stay? Did she know this other friend? Did you make it sound like you really wanted her to be there too? Or could it have come across like “ugh finally, a chance to have fun away from these people?”Could it have seemed like you were choosing this friend over Sophie?
That’s why ESH — no one in this situation seems overly conscientious of the other person’s feelings.” FiftyShadesOfGregg
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
This is a tough situation because the polite thing to do would have been to explain — not in front of your nameless friend — that you want to stay for the fireworks show and let Sophie know she’s invited too, would she mind.
You weren’t wrong for going when neither Sophie or her parents made a fuss, but if you brought this up in front of the other girl they probably felt awkward and pressured.
I’m sure the point of inviting you was so Sophie would have someone to hang out with in the park and during downtime.
I see their side of this as well as yours. You were rude for leaving Sophie to chill at the hotel alone and Sophie and was wrong for not speaking up about being upset to your face.” SignificanceSpeaks
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Not for staying but for how you brought it up.
“You can stay too if you want” you had already decided to stay, you didn’t even have leaving with them as an option.
You put your own want to see the fireworks over their want not to. This is rude.
The actual staying isn’t that bad, but you could just have said ‘hey my friend is here too and can give us a lift, do you want to stay or would you prefer to leave?’
When I would take a friend with me on a trip like this, no expenses for her, and she would prefer to be with another friend and not think about my family’s wants that would upset me too.” doemaarbier
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you inconvenienced them by having them stay for the fireworks when they didn’t want to then that would be a different story. But since your other friend offered to take you back there was no real reason for them to be upset.
You shouldn’t have to miss out on something just because they wanted to. You might not have paid for the hotel but you did still spend money on a plane ticket to be there. There’s no reason why you shouldn’t be enjoying your vacation to the fullest.” hxngry_
3. AITJ For Telling A Bartender He Served Someone Underage?
“Over the weekend I (23F) went to a theme park with some friends (two other girls my age). Since summer is winding down, the park was really crowded. It was also crazy hot outside.
After getting off a ride, we decided to head to the bar for a drink.
The bar had a very long outdoor line, in the sun. I’m estimating about 20 people in front of me and 15 people behind me. This is where things get interesting. There were two girls in front of me waiting, no big deal. However, a group of their friends walk over and cut into the line.
Now, I usually don’t care if it’s one or two people, but this was legit eight extra people who joined the line.
I decided to confront them and let them know where the line starts and that they can’t just cut in.
However, the guys in their group started getting super defensive, towering over us and telling us they wouldn’t move. Now, I’m only 5’1. I felt intimated and didn’t really know what to say or do, so we ended up backing down.
At this point, I’m seething. I then overhear one of the girls saying she’s so lucky she has her sister’s ID. They get to the bar, order their drinks, and wait to get them. When it’s my turn, I whisper to the Cashier that that girl is using someone else’s ID.
The Cashier tells the Bartender who goes over to her and asks for another form of identification (i.e. a credit card with her name on it, etc.), which she doesn’t have.
He tells her he can’t serve her and she causes a huge scene.
She keeps repeating that it’s her ID, that the Bartender is racist because she’s Mexican, that this is discrimination, etc. Security ends up coming over and escorting her away. They might have even kicked her out of the park.
I have no way of verifying this, but we didn’t see her around the park later in the day, but we did run into a few from her group. Luckily they didn’t say anything to us, so I don’t think they knew it was me who snitched.
Now I know this is petty, but I felt happy with the outcome and even laughed about it with my friends. But I am going to be totally honest, I probably wouldn’t have cared that she was using a fake ID had they not cut in front of us.
My friend told me that I’m the because of that. She said everyone cuts in lines and that it was a bad idea to start things with a big group of people who could probably kick our behinds.
I tried explaining to her that they were jerks for cutting and intimidating us and that the girl deserved her punishment.
So, what do you think? Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It was her own fault that she and her group were rude and that she got stupid.
Look at it this way: had you not mentioned the swapped ID to the cashier, the bartender could have gotten fired, arrested, and gotten both himself and the park fined for not properly checking said ID.
You essentially saved someone from losing their job and being in a lot of trouble.
Plus, there’s not a darn thing wrong in taking satisfaction for getting someone in trouble for being rude and doing something wrong.” Torachi
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I would have gone otherwise but this is just petty as heck, and you’re taking personal satisfaction in ruining someone else’s day. Don’t act like you never used a fake ID or knew anyone who did; total jerk move to snitch like that just because you had to wait 5 extra minutes to get one drink.” edgar__allan__bro
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: first you prevented an unstable underage person from breaking the law. Second, you prevented a bartender from possibly losing their job. Third, you didn’t get her kicked out. If she was kicked out it was her belligerence and attitude after being caught that did that.
Fourth, they deserved it for cutting and trying to intimidate you for wanting your rightful place.” dnjprod
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. 1 or 2 extra people join a group in front of you? Fine. 8? Come on, that’s just being rude.
Be underaged and don’t correct your behavior when confronted with social standards of queueing? Instant karma when the bartender checks your fake ID. Had they been cool and moved to the back of the line, I bet you probably wouldn’t have said anything if you heard anything.
Remember kiddos, if you’re already breaking one law, don’t double down by being a jerk and drawing attention to yourself.” mebjammin
2. WIBTJ If I Didn't Go To My Friend's Wedding?
“I’ll try and keep this concise. I have a good friend whom I met in college in the deep South, where I grew up.
She has remained in the South and I have moved away.
About me: I’m a gay man living very happily with my fiancé. Growing up in the deep South was tough at times. My college experience was mostly fine, but being in Mississippi, there were often instances of awkwardness or outright disdain from others regarding my relationship orientation.
I was always “out and proud” in college and I’m happy about it.
About my friend: She’s a deeply religious southern Baptist. Most of her social circle is as well, aside from our mutual friends from college.
This is an important part of her identity that she holds onto. Despite her religion, she and I have a great relationship and she loves and accepts me yadda yadda. The problem is that she’s more the exception within her faith.
The issue: the wedding is in Mississippi. It’s going to be southern Baptist. It’ll have a ton of southern Baptists there, including both the “good” and “bad” (I also don’t know the groom at all.
Never met him).
The thing is that I want to go to support her. I want to see her and my friends. I don’t have a problem with that kind of environment because I’m used to it.
But I’m also the confrontational type who will absolutely call out someone I don’t know who is rude to me, and that has a very real possibility of happening. I don’t want to make my friend have to deal with that at her wedding, but I also won’t stand for passive-aggressive comments about my relationship preferences from strangers, even at my friend’s wedding.
Maybe that alone makes me the jerk…
The other concern is my fiancé. I don’t want to go to this wedding without him because I love him and want to share that experience with him.
But he’s also never really had to face the kind of discrimination/comments/stigma that I grew used to growing up. I don’t want him to have to go to a wedding and have a really terrible time because of the looks/comments that we might get.
Regardless of my willingness to snap back, it can still ruin an otherwise nice evening.
So despite the fact that I really want to go to this wedding for my friend, I really don’t want to put my fiancé in an (almost inevitable) situation where he’s uncomfortable and I don’t want to put my friend in a situation where she has to deal with homophobic crap from her other guests on her wedding day.
WIBTJ if I told her I didn’t want to come to her wedding because I didn’t want to deal with a Mississippi, southern Baptist wedding, knowing it’ll probably hurt her feelings and harm our friendship?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My gay cousin recently had a similar dilemma but it was a Catholic wedding with our strictly Catholic relatives, he decided not to attend. He made the right call because he was the hot topic before the appetizers were served. I was out of there before dessert because it was either that or starting a food fight with my 87-year-old great aunt over feminism and women’s rights.
I completely understand your concern and it’s a valid one. I also understand that your friend could be hurt if you don’t attend, people don’t usually invite friends they don’t care about to their weddings.
I think it’s best you have a conversation about this with her. If she could sit you with people she knows won’t start anything and (I know how bad this sounds) if you and your fiancé could keep the PDA lowkey around the guests not to ”provoke” small-minded commentary, everything could go smoothly and you could be there for your friends big day.” lucijasworld
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and talk to her about how you feel, and ask her how she feels. She might be able to provide insight on how she would handle it.
Before I knew/accepted I wasn’t straight, I got married at 19.
LDS, in Arizona (which is a little less intense than Utah, but not by much). Most of my friends were LDS, as was all of both our families. My ex-spouse’s dad was marrying us as he was a bishop.
(The plan was to get married in the temple a year after the legal marriage.)
I had a couple not straight friends attend, one was a guest (the other in the party), neither were LDS.
Gay guy, had a serious partner. Also the confrontational type.
He asked me if any of my guests would be uncomfortable if he brought his partner as his date, because he didn’t want to stress me out on my wedding day.
I made it very clear to him that I wanted him to be there, as himself, and if he wanted to bring his partner that I wanted the partner there, he was explicitly invited by me personally, and anyone who had a problem with it could keep their mouth shut or I would be upset with them for letting their bigotry ruin the wedding day.
He ended up attending alone, which made me a little sad that he felt he had to keep that part of himself “at the door” to attend. Now that I know who I am I understand much more about what choice he faced. If he had chosen not to attend I would have understood that, too, but if he had attended with a date and anyone had started something, I would have blamed them, not him.
It also would have shown me how that person felt about how I turned out to be – or, if I had been straight and that marriage had worked out, it would have shown me who I would not want around a potential future family.
If she accepts you as you say she does I really would talk to her. I’m sure she’ll understand whatever you decide to do.” katsukatsuyuuri
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I was raised Southern Baptist (and now agnostic because of it).
The Southern Baptists in the Church I grew up with wouldn’t even be passive-aggressive about it. They’d straight up tell you to your face that you’re going down there and the only way to get right with God would be to confess your sins and never do it again (be celibate for the rest of your life), cause you know hate the sin, not the sinner.
Or that as soon as you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior you would no longer be gay and would no longer have those “urges.” And if you did, it because you just didn’t love Jesus enough or you’re not praying hard enough, cause you can totally pray away the gay.
barf.
While you love your friend, you don’t need to put yourself in a situation to be mistreated. And even more so to put someone you love (bf) in a situation that would be highly uncomfortable.
You just know there will be some people older than dust who will use some derogatory terms and have no idea that it’s not ok. And you don’t know the groom which means you don’t know his family or friends.
There might be some good ol’ boys who don’t take kindly to a gay couple being at the wedding/reception. If you choose not to go I would call your friend and just explain you wouldn’t feel comfortable in that situation.
Send a lovely wedding gift. And next time you’re down in Mississippi (if you ever are) offer to take her and her new husband out for a nice dinner.” Freyja2179
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ.
I think a wedding should be about the bride and groom’s feelings not a guest’s. If you can’t spend a day biting your tongue for your friend’s sake, YTJ. If you can’t leave your fiancé at home for someone’s wedding (who I’m guessing he’d just be a plus one at, not an invited friend), YTJ.
Admittedly you’d be a bigger jerk if you went and caused a scene or took your fiancé and put him in an awkward position but you should be able to put your own feelings aside for your friend’s special day.” reverandglass
1. AITJ For Not Giving Up My Seat To The Elderly?
“This happened a few years ago, when I was at university. I had spent all night working and then spent the day downtown at engagements I couldn’t miss, so I was exhausted. I got on the train to go home and I was lucky enough to find a seat near the front.
A few stops later, a pair of old people boarded the train. They needed seats and the train was full. Normally I’m always happy to give up my seat, even to someone who isn’t old, because I see it as an easy and free way to do something nice, but on this occasion, I was so tired I couldn’t bring myself to get up.
I just waited hoping someone else would give up their seat.
Well nobody did as the old ladies walked past the front of the train, and when they passed me, I felt guilty but I still didn’t get up.
Finally, a man and his wife a couple of rows behind me got up and offered their seats. The now standing man proceeds to loudly and angrily admonish the front of the train for not giving up their seats, using words like disgraceful and despicable.
I just ignored him but he kept at it until the next stop where he and his wife exited the train. He seemed really upset and aggressive; the rest of the train was silent.
Here’s why I think I’m NTJ: I was not sitting in the handicap seat, so there was no special obligation for me to get up.
I was sitting in a single-seat, and the ladies would logically prefer a double. Most importantly, why should he get to keep his seat and I have to give up mine? The old ladies were not disabled, they had walked to the train and were perfectly capable of walking down the aisle.
If they had gone down the train and no one offered a seat I would have given mine up. But I had been awake for 40hrs and I assumed someone else would offer their seat if I did not.
He could have stood up and offered his seat the second the old people got on, but he also waited to see if anyone else would.
Here’s why I think I might be the jerk: I was young and healthy, I was closer to the front than the man and his wife, and I saw the two old people, knew they needed seats, and did nothing.
So what do you think? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“‘I was not sitting in the handicap seat, so there was no special obligation for me to get up.’
NTJ – this goes in the “it would have been nice” category.
It would have been nice for you to give up your seat, but you have NO obligation to do so since you weren’t in the “handicap/elderly priority” seats.
The person who admonished you is a judgmental jerk though.
You could have had MS just finished a round of chemo or whatever – he has no way of knowing what your situation is and should shut up about it. He made the situation right and should have just moved on with his life.
Public transport is just that – public. You deal with the good and the bad. Sometimes you’re not going to get a seat and so it goes.” lenachristina
Another User Comments:
“Your minor act of “can’t somebody else do it” jerkiness is eclipsed by the nuclear morality rant guy who made the situation supremely awful for everyone on that train.
So compared to that guy, mostly NTJ.
Quick question, if the old ladies had passed the train and come back and nobody was getting up for them at all, would you have gotten up then?” MladenL
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
In my opinion, people on public transit tend to be rude and annoying (especially those who take up two to three seats when the bus/train is packed…) but you were not in the handicap or elderly seating area so there was no need for you to move.
That guy needs to keep his mouth in check though, a major jerk.” spacecashboi
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Give up your seats for old folks, people. It will be you soon enough.
My mom and dad are getting up there and don’t get around very well at all (surgeries etc.) and I would hate it if you just sat there when they needed a seat.
It’s disgraceful.” Rosevillain
