People Are Curious If We Think They're The Problem In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
24. AITJ For Not Wanting To Ride With My Grandmother?
“Roughly 5 years back, I was going through cancer treatment.
I was 13, and a female. I was very attached to my hair, tried to keep it as long as I could without shaving it, finally had to, and I sobbed. After that, I started wearing hats/caps that kind of looked like beanies.
One day, me, my grandmother, my aunt, and my two cousins went to go berry picking.
My youngest cousin was around 2 or 3 at the time. At some point, we sat down, and my cousin was in my lap or something. He pulled off my cap, and I very lightly pushed him away (enough that he wasn’t hurt or cried, he didn’t even fall).
I quickly put it back on, was upset, and started crying. I wasn’t mad at my cousin.
I forget how the whole conversation went after, but essentially, my grandmother told me to get over it and was actually kind of mean. My sister happened to be in the same town about 5 minutes away getting her nails done, so I called her to come to get me.
I refused to go near or talk to my grandmother and refused to get into the car with her. I waited with my aunt until my sister came and avoided my grandmother for a while. Obviously, everything is fine now, but it still is something that never sat right with me and she never apologized for it.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ.
You were a teen girl going through a very stressful time and deserved compassion. Besides going through cancer, and the effects on your body, you were dealing with understandable body image issues. Grandma should have known better and yes, you deserved an apology.
Since it has been 5 years, you know she isn’t going to apologize, so you need to find a way to let go of it for your own sake. I wouldn’t be able to forgive it, but you will feel better to make peace and accept your grandmother is not a kind or sympathetic person.
Hugs to you.” tatersprout
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, sure maybe little mean to the kid but you were going through a lot but overall a normal argument between family members.
You shouldn’t think too hard about it sure there are ups and downs but in the end, family is family nothing can change that.” Dark_solder18
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were 13, going through what you did must have been a horrible feeling. I understand your cousin was young but your grandmother didn’t need to get involved. She should have just let it be. You were a child yourself, going through emotional roller coasters.
Not to mention you just hit puberty. Talk about double emotions. So happy to hear you got through so strong.” Ok_Pumpkin174
23. AITJ For Not Showing Excitement When My Friend Got Engaged?
“I (25F) am a very reserved person and have a hard time showing emotions and talking up in conversations that involve alot of people. Because of this, I only have a small number of close friends who I feel comfortable opening up to.
I am in my last year of vet school, and M (26F) has been my roommate for all 4 years so we are very close. I am also close to another girl in my class Q (24F) and she and M are also friends.
So this incident happened in Nov/Dec.
I was at a very low point mentally due to clinics, a car accident, and in general, having a bad time. The only times I felt peace honestly was with my bf so I spent alot of time with him. Q and I ended up having the same 2-week vacation scheduled at the beginning of Nov to study for our big board exam so we decided to spend Mon-Fri both weeks studying together.
She told me that she thought she would get engaged soon and I was super happy for her, asked her a bunch of questions, doted on the ring she wanted, everything.
During the week of Thanksgiving, I had an extra hard time. All my friends got to go home to their families but because of the rotation I was on at the school, I had to stay and be on call.
I was devastated since I hadn’t seen any of my family in a long time and this was the first Thanksgiving I missed ever. I went to my partner’s house that day for theirs but still ended up tearing up over my potatoes cause I was so upset.
That’s when Q texted me a picture of her ring on her hand. I responded ‘So pretty!’ With emojis but truly didn’t have any more emotional energy left. She never responded and we talked normally in the few weeks after that.
M, Q, and I ended up on the same rotation together in Dec.
On the first day, Q sent me a huge text saying that I hurt her feelings by not saying enough and not asking about her ring when we saw each other. I felt terrible and profusely apologized for hurting her and also explained how low I was mentally during that time.
She forgave me and said we could drop it. A week later out of nowhere she group texts me and M together, calls us narcissists, and says we don’t care about her and are jealous. M decided to not respond at all but I felt I couldn’t cause I just felt it was so unnecessary.
I responded and basically said that and told her it was ridiculous and gave her examples of times she wasn’t emotionally there for me and I never verbally attack her for it. Then I said I love her and I want us to work it out.
She never responded to me. Later that week, she gave M a formal apology but not me. She has since cut me out of her wedding and her life.
M tells me that Q is in the wrong here but is still her friend and they still hang out; just don’t invite me anymore.
My family and partner are on my side but I don’t know what to think because of how drastic her reaction was. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and your friends are clearly being a bad friends.
She shouldn’t dictate how you have to reply.
It’s controlling and narcissistic.
She keeps using this as a bludgeon to hit you with. She said it was done and then she started calling you names later.
Attacking you isn’t productive and given the other behaviors, it’s pretty concerning.
You’re allowed to put your own mental health first. It’s reasonable for her to check in with you to see why you didn’t respond how she expected, but it’s not reasonable to continue to be mad after you explained.
She owes you an apology and you might be better off putting your energy into kinder people.” Jocabia
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, but mostly Q.
‘So pretty’ is not the same as ‘Congratulations, I’m happy for you,’ and Q was looking for that.
It’s clear to us that you were in a sad, dark place when you responded to her photo, but she didn’t know that until later, and by then she had already established her emotional groove and was set on feeling victimized and couldn’t let that go.
Her rejection might hurt and be confusing, but I hope you can see that Q is projecting her unlikable traits onto you. When you countered her criticisms with sanity and reason, Q took that as a sign you couldn’t be manipulated into doing her emotional labor, and people like Q want people who will supply easy praise, adoration, etc. Your resistance showed her that you will not fulfill her need for an easy supply of good feelings.” Johoski
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you had nothing to apologize for!
You don’t owe anyone anything and they don’t owe you anything.
If things were reversed. If you texted her before she did about how sad you were and how depressed, would she have sympathy?
Would she have been there for you? You did what you emotionally could at that moment. If she doesn’t understand that she isn’t a friend.” ReaderMomof1
Another User Comments:
“Soft ‘everyone sucks here.’ I understand emotional exhaustion. But you probably should have included congratulations when you replied!
Or you could have waited to reply at a time when you could show excitement. At the same time, your friend is the jerk for being upset at your lack of reaction. Of course, people should be happy for their friends, but the engagement is their news, not yours!
Still, it’s normal to send congratulations and celebrate a friend’s happiness with them.” Miserable_Worry_1046
22. WIBTJ I Don't Respond To An Email Invitation To Meet My Mom?
“I (F40s) have very low contact with my mother (F70) for about 4 years. We live in different countries that are very far apart. Prior to this, we were no contact for 17 years, my choice.
This changed when she walked into my place of work with my stepfather, no warning – they found out where I worked via LinkedIn. Again, we live in different countries so I was not only completely unprepared for this but also a bit traumatized as I had made my peace with never having contact with her again.
I met up with her once more while she was still in there country I live in. I did not enjoy it and was very uncomfortable, she seemed frustrated with me that I wasn’t able to sit and make small talk. She asked very little about me.
In the last 4 years, we have emailed a few times. It started with her writing a lot about inane subjects, I tried to reply in kind but my heart wasn’t in it so my responses became briefer, but I like to think not impolite.
We now only email each other with brief messages on birthdays and Christmas.
About a week ago, I got an email from my stepfather (she uses his email account so this wasn’t too weird, but this was from him not her). He said she was in the city I live in and wanted to meet up.
Gave me her details to call her.
I responded a few days later to say I thought it was strange she wasn’t contacting me directly to ask to meet up and to not have contacted me sooner so we could plan better. I asked for the dates of her trip, saying it would help me understand if I could meet.
He responded to say she was so excited about her trip and there has been a lot happening, given the war in Ukraine as an example, to explain why she hadn’t contacted me prior to traveling. Then asked what dates I would be available (he didn’t advise any of her dates).
About two hours after that email he sent another to tell me to just call her to arrange the meeting.
At this stage, I haven’t responded. I’m pretty sure I don’t want to meet up with her because I feel it’s been sprung on me again and the tone of the communication has been her being very controlling.
But I feel like a jerk for not responding at all. Would I be the jerk if I just didn’t respond and ignored the opportunity to meet up with her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Just reply, ‘You have it quite clear that my thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs aren’t a priority to you.
I made the clear choice to not talk much to you because you haven’t even tried simply apologizing or taking responsibility, even accountability, otherwise we would have a relationship. Please stop trying unless you can show me you are willing to actually put in the effort to fix our relationship otherwise, goodbye, and no longer will you trample through my peaceful mind’.” Br0kenH3arT1995
Another User Comments:
“First of all… it’s NOT an ‘opportunity’ – it’s an obligation.
Secondly? There are no Travel Dates to give you because she’s not going to confirm/commit to traveling until you tell her when you can meet.
Thirdly? It sounds like you are going to have to straight up tell both of them that you won’t see her.
But I wouldn’t be surprised if she came & ‘surprised’ you again. Sorry.
NTJ.” MannyMoSTL
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She didn’t think it was important enough to see you to give you a heads up before she traveled to your country. So it’s not that important.
Just go on with your life and don’t reach out to her.” voluntold9276
21. AITJ For Speaking For My Fiancé?
“Me (M21) and my fiance (m22) have been together for 3 years.
Engaged for 6 months. My fiance (E) is autistic and doesn’t like talking to people. That means, that in most social situations, I speak for him.
I always give him a chance to speak first, I never say stuff he hasn’t said to me and I always give him a chance to but in.
I also often bring it up in private to see that he is still okay with it.
Me speaking for him extends to talking to his parents (he talks to them a bit but long stuff is my job) talking to doctors, speaking to strangers, ordering his food, etc.
I have ADHD. I talk a lot. My family despises it. Every time we visit my parents, sister, or grandparents (maternal) they comment that I answer for E. They also will call me afterward to berate me and call me abusive and horrible for not giving him a chance to speak.
E says he is okay with it. He actually likes it and it makes him feel safe, but my mother says he is being stunted by me and I should let him answer otherwise he won’t feel comfortable with her.
I feel like I’m the jerk a lot, and I’m scared I am taking over too much and should just let him deal with it, but at the same time, E says it’s okay?
So AITJ for talking for E?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but both things can be true. E may prefer it, but it may also restrict his ability to get more comfortable speaking with others. You can’t always be there to speak for him, so he does need to speak for himself sometimes.
But this is something you need to work out between yourself and E – find some situations where he is slightly uncomfortable speaking and encourage him to overcome it… but be his safety net when it’s too much.
You’re not awful and horrible – you’re caring. But part of caring is encouraging others to develop their own skills too.” xj2608
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You’re not a jerk, and I can’t speak to whether or not you are ‘stunting’ your partner. However, you will not be available at all times when your partner needs to convey information.
Speaking to people is a skill.
Nobody is born doing it. And if he can do it in some contexts, he can do it in more contexts. It just needs to be a thing that you both go into knowing what you intend to do. You intend to talk less, and he intends to talk more.
That’s a healthy approach to the problem that seems to be here.” toofat2serve
Another User Comments:
“Not the jerk.
Especially if he asks you to? And if you do overstep a boundary (it doesn’t seem like you have) a simple apology and correction of what was actually being expressed would be in order.
You wouldn’t be ‘a jerk’ for trying to facilitate communication on behalf of someone who asked for help.
You could incorporate more public speaking exercises with the help of a therapist if you are concerned your partner is being overly withdrawn or this affects their quality of life, but otherwise, they seem fine.
If you are happy and your partner is happy with the arrangement, then I don’t see an issue.” hysteriaisntreal
20. AITJ For Ruining My Roommate's New Shoes?
“I (21f) have a college roommate (19f) in a house off campus from our university.
I was actually the one who got accepted to live in the house and I chose her as a roommate from my school’s roommate finder. I brought all of the furniture and appliances for this place. She didn’t have to buy anything. This is her first year not living with her parents and it’s very apparent.
Their family has a lot of money and she basically just has to demand things and she gets them. After living with her for 4 months, she has taken out the trash 1 time and never cleans. I have not seen her sweep or mop the floor once or clean the bathroom or shared areas.
For the past 4 weeks, she has basically been living in our living room because her room is so messy she can’t work or be in there. I gave her some grace because I was messy during finals (2 weeks) but then I did a deep clean of all the shared spaces and made sure that all of my things were out.
The fact that I have cleaned up after her this whole time has definitely gotten to me. I’ve asked her to do chores and she says she will but never does and after about a week, I end up doing her chores because I don’t want to live in a mess.
Also, we started out agreeing that if she’s going to smoke that, she needs to go outside but because she’s basically moved into the living room she has turned my coffee table into a giant rolling tray. After asking her to not have her stuff all over the table, we agreed that she’d get a bin to put her stuff in but it’s been 4 weeks and she still just leaves all of her stuff out in the shared spaces.
So now for where I could be the jerk. I haven’t taken out the trash in a game of chicken to see how bad it has to get before she takes out the trash.
As a result, the bin has been overflowing for 2 days.
She recently bought new shoes that cost $200 and was very excited about them. And after wearing them once she left them right next to the trash can. Tonight I was eating something with red sauce and when throwing it away some of it dropped on her new shoes and I didn’t notice (it was a drop about the size of a dime).
I continued with my day and about 30 minutes later she came home and saw the drop on her shoes and started to freak out and was trying to get it off.
At that time, I was leaving for something I had planned and I threw out some ideas on how to try and clean it but she didn’t listen to me and instead called her mom.
On the phone, with her Mom, I heard her blame me and talk about having me replace the shoes. I haven’t talked to her yet about it but I’m thinking of refusing to pay her anything. She has left all her clothes and shoes around the kitchen and living room and has never taken the trash out.
I also feel like it’s common sense to not leave your brand-new white shoes next to an overflowing trash can. But regardless am I the jerk in this situation and should I offer to pay for her shoes to get cleaned or for a new pair of shoes?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She needs to pick up her stuff, and not leave new shoes next to the friggin garbage can, overflowing or not.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The truth is if she had been cleaning up after herself then the garbage wouldn’t be overflowing.
If she had cleaned her room, she wouldn’t basically be living in the living room and her shoes wouldn’t be there. You’ve been cleaning up after her for however long now and she probably isn’t going to start now. What you could say is that since she doesn’t clean, she has to pay a certain amount a month to have you clean up after her.
Either way, if she doesn’t clean or pays then every mess she makes it will be thrown into her room. Dishes, laundry, stuff laying around.” Mp93123
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if anything, start putting all her stuff in her room when left out in the common area.
Maybe in the middle of her bed.” TheRealSkeeter
19. AITJ For Cleaning The Apartment?
“I am staying in a very small 4 bedroom apartment with 3 other female roommates all 19-20 years old. Since we have moved in, one roommate (who I will refer to as J) has had a problem keeping our common spaces clean.
J is an art major and will frequently leave unfinished projects, food, dishes, etc throughout the kitchen and living room area. She has been confronted and asked to keep it cleaner on several different occasions, but the problem has lasted through 2 semesters of school.
Before Easter break, I told J that I wanted to clean the apartment because I knew the family was coming over for a break.
J ended up going home for a break, so my other roommate and I cleaned/decluttered the living room and kitchen area. While we were in the kitchen, my roommate and I decided to clean out the fridge and dispose of rotten or expired food, another task that had been put off for months.
We only threw out foods that were past their expiration date, molded, or questionable. We ended up throwing out probably 70% of the food in the fridge, a large amount of which was molded.
All four of us have talked about cleaning out the fridge over the last few weeks, but J was mad when she returned home to find that we had thrown out so much food.
J claims that we also threw away her leftover pasta from before break and this combined with us moving some of her belongings from the living room into her room made her really upset. She says she feels like we should have waited to include her in the cleaning and that we violated her things by throwing away her food.
Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. How long did she expect you to wait for her to be involved in cleaning up? You gave her the heads up that you would be cleaning during the break. It’s not like it came out of nowhere and absolutely stunned her.
I can understand her being a little perturbed that you moved her things from the living room, instead of maybe stacking them neatly in a corner or something, but she still knew that you would be cleaning and if she had anything she didn’t want to be moved (or wanted to move herself), she could’ve just said that (‘Hey, can you leave ‘that’ where it is.
I like having it in the room when I’m watching tv.’).
Food, on the other hand, is a totally different animal. If it’s moldy, or approaching moldy, it’s a health hazard. It doesn’t matter if the person loved the meal 2 weeks ago, it doesn’t matter whose food it is, if it’s a health hazard, it gets tossed.” SpecificPeach5785
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have made repeated attempts to include her in the cleaning. A real violation would have been removing items from her room and/or discarding them.
Leaving food out is the entomological equivalent of an engraved invitation for what would usually be considered uninvited guests.
Consistently leaving her things in common spaces leaves that space unable to be used by others; that’s just disrespectful.
The expired and moldy food is disgusting. Refrigeration slows the growth of mold and bacteria. It doesn’t stop it. It’s a safety hazard.” TMA1978
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – personal belongings don’t live in communal spaces. This isn’t your mom’s house, you have roommates. She’d been warned repeatedly.
As for the fridge; y’all just saved her from food poisoning. Sure, she should be thanking you.
Throwing away literal biohazards and placing stuff in her room that has no business being in the common areas, does not make you a jerk.
She seems like she’s really not ready for, or capable of living an adult life.” CatteHerder
18. AITJ For Shaving My Head To Support My Partner's Sister?
“I (19m) and my partner (20m) have been together for almost nine months at this point. My fraternity has an annual shave n toss event where we get auctioned off to shave our heads for childhood cancer research.
It’s a big event for my fraternity and a lot of the guys participate and it usually brings in quite a huge amount. I told my partner early on when we were together that I really wanted to participate and he said no and that he wouldn’t date me if I shaved my head.
A couple of months ago his sister (30f) got diagnosed with life-threatening cancer and she’s expected to go through chemo. For obvious reasons, it’s been hard for him and I’ve tried my best to be there and be supportive of him.
The event rolls around and I’m texting him right before telling him again that I really want to do it but he still says no and that it’s insensitive to what he’s going through.
At the time I felt like he more cared about me just being bald considering the entire event raises funds for cancer research but I let it go and decide it’s best not to shave my head.
Later I’m standing by the stage with the guys and someone jokingly announces ‘$400 and (my name) will shave his head.’ Well, people start throwing out moolah and within two minutes we hit $400.
It all happened really fast and with everyone telling me to do it combined with the fact that I didn’t know how to tell people I still wasn’t gonna do it while the funds were in the middle of being collected, I made an impulse decision and shaved my head.
My partner finds out immediately from someone else’s social media and is already texting me that we’re broken up before I even get out of the chair. I immediately leave and call him and he starts screaming at me that I’m insensitive for doing it when his sister is going through chemo.
That he couldn’t even look at me because I went behind his back and did it and that I wasn’t thinking of him and was just being selfish. He also said I was now a walking reminder of his sister who s going to be bald, I’m unattractive to him, and I’m naive to think $400 would even matter.
We argue for about an hour with me trying to tell him that I wasn’t planning on it but the situation happened so fast and I felt bad saying no with literally $400 for cancer research sitting at my feet. I eventually just apologize because obviously with everything going on I wasn’t gonna annoy him more and we’re somewhat ok now but he’s still not happy and says I’m not gonna be able to be around his family because they would think it’s offensive.
I feel really awful so I just need to know, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I get why he feels the way he does, but he needs to learn to process his emotions better. I went thru chemo and lost my hair last year, and I didn’t want anyone around me to shave their heads in solidarity, because all it would be was a reminder for me of what I was going thru, but if there someone like you who was doing it for charity I would have completely understood.
Just because it would have caused me a little more anxiety doesn’t mean that I would have ever thought I had the right to tell someone else what they absolutely couldn’t do, especially for charity. Your partner needs to sort himself out, not expect the world to change to fit his needs.” zoe_zoe2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did something to support cancer research and that’s admirable. Your partner doesn’t get to comment on what is or isn’t insensitive to a cancer patient, because he isn’t one nor is he a cancer survivor. As someone who has had cancer, I can tell you we don’t need to be handled with kid gloves.
I’m pretty sure his sister would have thought that you are pretty awesome for doing that to raise funds. He blew this all out of proportion for some reason. If he’s that quick to throw the breakup card over something like this, you’re better off without him.
He’s not mature enough to handle a relationship.
Again, you are NTJ, and in my book, you’re pretty great!” rangerman2002
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to say NTJ verging ‘no jerks here’ or ‘everyone sucks here.’ If you told him you wouldn’t do it and then did, I understand why he’d be upset by it.
He’s going through a lot and I think there’s a low level of irrationality that is allowed in those circumstances. But the anger and unilateral decision-making about your hair is what puts it over the edge for me, I think. He’s going through a lot.
But he doesn’t sound like a very good partner. If anything you made a small blunder in the heat of the moment that could have been avoided by letting the announcer know ahead of time. But it’s not a massive deal and if it was really triggering for him, he could have requested that you guys not see each other for a short time until your hair grows out or something.
To be honest, it does sound like at least part of his frustration here is that you defied his will, and that’s not great.
It seems like a lot of time at 19, but a 9-month relationship isn’t a super long time and it sounds like he’s really not in a good headspace for a relationship right now.
It’s all probably for the best. I would just give him some space.” Nihil_esque
17. AITJ For Being Mad At My Mom For Throwing My Things Away?
“I (19f) live with my parents. I’ve always been very sentimental. I keep all of my childhood journals, drawings, etc. in my room. My mom went into my room randomly to clean, which I appreciate, and know it’s a bit embarrassing I didn’t get to it first. I gave her $50 since she dusted my shelves and washed my plushies.
I appreciate her help, but I have issues with the way she dictates what I can or can’t own. She dumped out my drawers and either threw stuff in the shed or the trash. I didn’t know she’d gone through them until later when I had a feeling to check the bin after noticing she’d been in my room.
Most of the things she threw out were just trash, and I would’ve thrown them out too, but I also found my 1st-grade writing journal, and I got upset because it’s my most sentimental item. I used it for writing class; It has stories about my childhood dog (who passed away in 2020).
I’ve reread every page in that journal. I’m mad at my mom because she threw it out like it meant nothing. She knows about my aversion to change and how much I value things like that. I just want to make sure my sentimental items are safe.
When I asked my mom about it, she argued with me. I went to the bin and looked at everything else because I was worried about what was in it, but the only other thing I took out was a dart gun. She started yelling that I didn’t need any of this stuff.
She said she didn’t do anything wrong because I have other things from 1st grade so I didn’t need the journal. I was being kind of annoying (not insulting, just talking back and mad-crying) and this made her angrier so she was threatening to throw away more of my stuff.
She kept calling me insane. She acted like I was a hoarder. I don’t keep trash. I keep stuffed animals, toys, drawings, books, Pokemon cards, etc. My room is very small, so anything will look crowded in it. I keep all of my stuff either in my drawers, in my closet, or on shelves.
I don’t leave my stuff scattered around the floor or on my bed.
She said she felt no sentimental attachment to anything, and this was annoying to me because obviously SHE wouldn’t be attached to MY stuff because it’s MINE. I don’t dislike my mom, but it bothers me because I feel like she’s never tried to understand how I think.
I want her to make the effort to respect my boundaries and my privacy, not throw out stuff because it’s ‘just paper.’ Writings from that long ago can’t be replaced. I want her to stop calling me crazy. (I’ve read a lot of articles and websites, and I might be autistic, but I don’t want to self-diagnose or anything since I’ve never seen a therapist or anyone who can test me.
I’m not trying to use this as an excuse, just a possible explanation for my behavior.)
I’m not sure if I’m overreacting. Right now I feel like I’m justified for being mad that my mom threw my stuff away without asking me if any of it was important first.
I’m very grateful that I’m allowed to live at home, but I think I should be allowed to keep my stuff.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are a grown woman and have every right to be very upset. I think your mom is so mad because she knew she was wrong.
Your 1st-grade journal?! Move out ASAP. Sometimes that’s the only way some moms begin to treat you like an adult.” RobRenWhi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When parents do this, it is so toxic. She should not be throwing your stuff away. Maybe one way to try to keep her out of your room is to keep it as neat as you can (I know this is hard!).
I would also ask her not to go through your drawers. I hope you get to move out soon so that you have more control over your environment.” Aylauria
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I would be mad if someone cleaned my room and just started throwing things away that weren’t trash and were put away.
Maybe it’s time to not have her clean your room. It’s a nice gesture but if she’s going to be throwing stuff away, then I would take on the task of doing it yourself.” brit31400
16. AITJ For Not Hiring My Boss's Nephew?
“I’m involved in the hiring process at my work, I don’t necessarily make the hiring decision, but I’m involved in interviewing and trial shifts, after which I can recommend or not recommend an applicant to my boss. Our applicant’s interview, and if that goes well they’re invited to come in for a short trial shift to see how we work and for us to see how they work.
Pretty much every applicant who’s come in for a trial shift has got the job as they’ve interviewed well and enjoyed their trial shift too.
Anyway, my boss’s nephew applied. Boss did mention his nephew applied but didn’t say his name or imply he’d automatically get the job for being his nephew either, as they wouldn’t be working directly together.
Anyway, he interviews well and I invite him to the trial shift. At the trial shift, he works well but makes inappropriate jokes.
The trial shift is usually pretty informal as we’re working together and it’s an icebreaker just as much as it is a trial shift, so I don’t mind jokes at all.
However, he joked about quite an inappropriate subject. After his 2nd bad joke, I said to him, informally, that those jokes aren’t funny, and aren’t acceptable here or anywhere else, but I understand he’s young and maybe doesn’t realize that yet if he doesn’t make any more I won’t have to say anything.
Anyway, a few minutes later he makes another one and doesn’t seem to care when I’m obviously not amused, and then makes a similar joke to another co-worker who looked uncomfortable. At this point, I’d decided that I won’t recommend him. His trial shift finishes, we shake hands and I’ll say we’ll let him know.
30 minutes later, I’m on the call with my boss and another co-worker involved in the hiring, and my boss asks, ‘How did my nephew do earlier?’ my heart sinks a bit as I hadn’t realized he was the nephew and I tell him that while his work was fine, he made inappropriate and offensive jokes even after being told not to, so I’m not recommending him as I don’t want myself and co-workers to be uncomfortable or offended by his jokes.
I didn’t want to repeat his jokes but said I could elaborate now or later if necessary.
Boss is visibly surprised and seems annoyed at me, the mood around the office feels off since and no one has been hired instead either.
AITJ? I didn’t realize I was stepping on any toes by not recommending him, and I do feel bad as they must have looked forward to working with each other.
I didn’t realize he was the nephew my boss mentioned, I treated him like I would any applicant. If he hadn’t made any more jokes after I asked him not to I would have recommended him.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If your boss thought the nephew was an automatic hire, he could have hired him automatically.
Instead, he (wisely) chose to put him through the standard interview and trial shift process. Because the boss was reasonable in this regard, I wonder whether he’s more disappointed/annoyed in the situation than you personally. It was hard for you to report your nephew’s shortcomings to the boss; imagine how hard it would be for the boss to report it to his nephew or sibling and yet continue to see them at family gatherings.
So you’re definitely not the jerk, I’m undecided on the boss, and the nephew is a purebred jerk.” JeepersCreepers74
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When your boss told you his nephew was applying, that was not just random talk. Even if he didn’t say specifically who, he was letting you know you needed to be on board.
So when he asked ‘So how did my nephew do’ you knew exactly what was going on… but apparently you don’t catch on so fast. So you gave him a critical review. That’s why it feels off now.
You spit in the boss’s face and everyone knows it.
What your boss is doing is wrong, but that’s one of the perks of being the boss. The reason the nephew didn’t care what you said is because he’s the boss’s nephew, the fix is in. Oops.” disruptionisbliss
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
This is exactly why rules against nepotism exist. The boss should not have been involved or even commented on anything during any part of the hiring process once his nephew was being considered. I recommended a friend for a job at my office and I was involved in the interview process, but to do that, I, myself, made a standardized set of questions that I asked all candidates, ran it by my boss, and refused to comment on any of the candidates, and disclosed my connection to my boss.” fakezzzfake
15. AITJ For Making My Granddaughter Cry During Invisible Game?
“I was looking after my granddaughter while my daughter was out doing errands.
I decided to do a ‘magic trick’ with her and I put a ‘spell’ on her to make her invisible.
Obviously, she did not really turn invisible but I pretended she did.
I acted like I could not see her or find her anywhere. I let it go on for about 20 minutes, pretending that I could not see or hear her. She got a little scared and started to cry.
When my daughter came to pick her up my granddaughter told her that I scared her and she started crying again saying that I made her disappear.
I thought it was a funny joke but my daughter got mad at me and said I was a jerk.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“All is fun and games until it isn’t, as long as you stopped the moment it wasn’t fun for her and you explain lovingly that it’s a game you would not be NTJ.
But it doesn’t sound like you did so YTJ!” Crankypenquin
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Twenty minutes is a long time for a young child. Once the person that the joke affected starts having negative reactions to it, you stop. Why keep it up? She was scared!” Moon-Desu
14. AITJ For Not Telling The Whole Truth About My Ethnicity?
“I (14) and my dad (50m) have been arguing for the past day about my deciding to tell someone my incorrect ethnicity.
I am half Brazilian and half Portuguese with my dad being the Portuguese one. I have no shame whatsoever in my ethnicity but it’s easier to say I’m Brazilian due to my curls, tan skin, and body hair.
Yesterday, I was out with my dad when one of my mum’s friends (we’ll call her Maria) says that I’m pretty and asked where I’m from. I say I’m Brazilian and thanked her, and I thought nothing of it until we got to the car.
My dad started yelling at me and calling me a ‘liar’ and ‘biased to my mum’ for saying I’m Brazilian only instead of half and half. I personally think I’m not the jerk but my dad won’t talk to me, so am I the jerk for saying I’m Brazilian?”
Another User Comments:
“As half Puerto Rican and half Ecuadorian, I get that. I was raised only by my Puerto Rican side of my family and don’t have a good relationship with my dad, so I think part of it stems from that, but I always just say I’m Puerto Rican unless something Ecuadorian pops up and I’m like oh yeah that’s right.
For me, I know nothing abt my Ecuadorian side, but even if I did, it’s my identity, and I get to choose what matters to me. If you feel more comfortable siding with the nationality that most resembles your features, that’s your choice and your father can be salty but it doesn’t change your chemical make-up, doesn’t change that you are half and half, it just makes explanations for strangers a little easier.
People who know you will know you’re also Portuguese, so it’s really not that big of a deal. Seems like your dad doesn’t understand what it’s like to feel like his identity is torn in two directions, but whatever you choose to say to randos on the street is up to you.
NTJ! Good luck with your dad, this might be an uphill battle for him but like ultimately you are your own person and whether you mention both your nationalities or not, that’s still who you are and your dad shouldn’t blame you for navigating a hostile situation like that.
And yes, I feel like strangers prying into what I’m made of as hostile, and invasive. YOU DO YOU.” prismaticshards
Another User Comments:
“That question, ‘where are you from’, annoys me to no end. I’m European, passing as racially ambiguous. It gets it a lot.
My response is usually a confused look, as I answer in a friendly tone, ‘USA, where are you from?’
Maria should not have asked you that. A simple ‘you’re pretty’ is enough. Didn’t need to go there.
You are free to answer as you please.
I get where your dad is coming from, but you don’t need to go into that much detail for people who are prying anyway.
NTJ.” Total-Being-4278
Another User Comments:
“I’m from Canada. Born and raised in a small town. My grandparents on my dad’s side are Russian.
I have seen them maybe 5 times in my 31-year life. My dad has no trace of an accent. My grandpa does. I somehow got a Russian accent. I am white. Like Snow White. Can’t tan. What people would assume ‘Canadian’ is and I still get asked where I’m from.
And then the whole ‘no really what country are you from’ I actually joke and say I was born in this hospital (where I now work) people never believe what. NTJ” Nurse_1308_
13. AITJ For Expecting My Mom To Pay Me While She's Grieving?
“My (26F) father passed away 1 year ago and left me a part of his life insurance.
It was a good amount, I have a well-paying job, but that funds went to buy a house and save the rest.
My parents have been divorced for 6 years and they both remarried. My mother married my stepfather
He was always in bad health, so he needed a lot of medication (insulin was one of them).
My mother, about 8 months ago, asked to borrow money because there was a problem with the benefit of free medicines by the government and its availability would be on pause until the review (it took 2 months). The meds added in the 2 months came to a total of almost 9k and I helped because my stepfather is a good person and all his children turned their backs.
I know very well that they were going through financial difficulties, so I always made it very clear that this moolah could be returned when they got it.
My stepfather passed away 5 months ago due to health problems and my mother was one of the beneficiaries of his life insurance.
I didn’t know he had life insurance and that my mother had already gotten money. Who told me was my aunt who said that my mother received some funds from my stepfather and was renovating the house and buying items of the best quality.
I went to my mother’s house to talk.
I tried to politely talk about the moolah and she didn’t react well.
I’ll quote briefly what she said in the outbreak:
How could I charge my own mother for funds
Insensitive of me to talk about it while she’s grieving
There is no charge when helping to save someone’s life.
I replied saying that my stepfather was not my father, so I am not charging my parents money but something from him. And that was the deal.
She got angry, saying that I was a selfish daughter who demanded moolah from the mother who took care of me for more than 16 years (as if it wasn’t an obligation as a mother) and grieving.
In the end, she came into the room and threw all the amount she loaned me at me and I was asked to leave.
She’s on her silent treatment but ironically asked my aunt to ask me if I’d leave the moolah for her to shop for the month (I always give that moolah away).
I know she’s grieving but she must be spending way over 50k on house renovation and item purchases. I don’t doubt that she spends all that and after she spends it, she won’t pay me as she lives on a (retired) salary that provides the basics for her only.
(What I saved from my father’s insurance was about 20k and from that I gave 9k, so for me, it makes a difference).
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ–HOWEVER:
You should ALWAYS have a well-articulated conversation when lending to someone. Even family, ESPECIALLY family if you intend it to be a loan.
Telling your Mom that she can pay it back ‘when she can’ becomes problematic because then it becomes a judgment call on the word ‘can.’ In this case, though it sounds like your Mom always intended for this moolah to be a gift, so it seems like there was a large miscommunication.
Honestly, I am not sure you should have brought it up at this time because she absolutely used that to make you the villain. It seems like she has paid you back, so I would accept that moolah, and apologize to your Mom about your timing.” kimariesingsMD
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but very foolish.
Your mother is a jerk because she refuses to pay back your loan. However, you should NEVER lend to family or friends. Lending to family and friends is rife with too many emotional landmines and a lot of them will think it’s a gift.
It’s best to just gift the funds to family and friends if you can afford it. If you can’t, then tell them no. You’ll avoid so many awful situations like this one.” Winnipeg_dad888
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
All of it was your mother’s responsibility, by the time your mother and father got divorced it’s literally none of each other’s business to take care of the other’s spouses, much less you, her son.
Your mom had financial difficulties, doesn’t mean she can just hope you would forget or bypass it cuz she is grieving.” scarlet-twilight
12. AITJ For Not Paying My Friend's Energy Drink?
“So my friend who we will call Peter is good friends with me and we go on a 3-day field trip (with our school).
On the last day of the trip, my friend said: Here OP you can have my gfuel (water-soluble caffeinated powder) cuz I don’t want it anymore
I accepted the offer and took it.
Fast forward to today
During our football practice, he walked up to me and asked can he have the gfuel back and here’s how the conversation went
‘Hey OP can I have that gfuel I gave you on that field trip 3 weeks ago?’
‘Uhh hi Peter but I don’t have the gfuel anymore’
‘What do you mean, OP? I want it back and I don’t care if u don’t have it.
I paid for it and I want it back.’
I just walked away, and he started spreading rumors that I stole from him yadda yadda
I think that I actually am the jerk for just drinking all of it but also I think my friend is a jerk for requesting something back that he gave me.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if someone gives you a perishable gift (aka food or drink, candy, snack, whatever) that’s yours. If it was like a necklace or a pokemon card or an object of sentimental or monetary value and the person has second thoughts, that’s rude to ask for it back but somewhat understandable.
But like your friend basically gave you an energy drink and then 3 weeks later asked for it back? That’s beyond stupid and I think your friend may be taking something else out on you. Maybe it’s not about the gfuel but maybe something else is bothering him and he only can understand a piece of it.
I’d say your friend either should understand that this is trivial and understand that when he said ‘do you want it, I don’t want it anymore’ that you accepted it under those conditions. Not like ‘hey will you hold onto this for me, feel free to have some but leave me some’ or ‘I’m not sure if I’m going to finish this, want some?’ those are clearer messages about boundaries.
He basically said it was free, and you accepted. If you’re friends, it might be worth talking about it to see if maybe there’s another issue going on.” prismaticshards
11. WIBTJ If I Tell My Partner I Don't Like Excessive Texting?
“I (M25) and my partner (F23) have been together for almost 2 years now and have a great relationship. She has never been with anyone and I’ve had one roller coaster relationship back from high school, so we’re both relatively new to long-term relationships.
I’m more of an introvert that just keeps to myself, bottles emotions, avoids confrontation, and just tries to be a people pleaser really (which is a pitfall of mine). She is more of an extrovert and likes to always be talking with me and has even admitted that, she herself, is very needy and constantly wants attention and I play it off like ‘No you’re good, babe!’
I have no issue with texting (introvert specialty) it’s just I feel like I need space every once in a while and I get frustrated having to always be in contact non-stop be it texts or calls and I have said as much to her but then she’ll respond ‘so you don’t love me’ or ‘k’ or hang up the phone or something like that and it usually ends up to some pent up frustrations.
There are also numerous instances of mini arguments breaking out over text and I just feel like constantly being in contact with each other at all hours of the day can be counter-productive to our relationship? We are both now full-time salaried employees but if she has days off and I don’t it’s like she expects me to drop my work to read texts and respond when I am engulfed in my work which is what happened today and why I’m writing here.
I should also mention that she fully acknowledges she is overly needy and always tells me she’s worried that this is going to push me away, but I am not going anywhere because when we are together, it’s a spark of joy and love and I really want to be with her and start a life together but I feel our different personalities just clash with each other’s needs at times.
I also admit I’m no saint, I have my flaws and outside issues that are not contributing to this but I really try to be a genuine and caring partner/overall person. I struggle to articulate my feelings well but have always been good at loving and caring and I know what we have is true and I just want some advice on this and if I’d be the jerk for trying to bring this up.
I’m thinking I should plan it better and do this as a face-to-face deal and show her I do love her but I just can’t always be sucked into her attention sphere.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all, but I think you need to tell her exactly what you wrote here.
She needs to hear this. To me, it sounds like she’s a bit immature and maybe stuck in a high school/immature kind of mindset about how relationships work, especially based on the ways you say she responds (‘k’ or ‘you don’t love me’ are really immature responses).
She needs to be confident and secure in your relationship and find other ways to satisfy her needs (such as needing to talk all the time). It’s not fair for her to put that all on you and it’s good for you to speak up that the constant texting isn’t working for you.
Relationships are all about compromise and finding that middle ground where both partners are happy.” 0eozoe0
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you need some time away and if you’re constantly texting then you aren’t getting that time. If you don’t want to bring it up again, maybe just respond every 30 min-1 hour or longer and if she comments, just say you’re tired of constantly having to be on your phone, plus you’re busy doing other things, but you’ll check it every so often just to see if she text you and maybe after some time that will become the new norm.
A conversation would be best though.” Mp93123
Another User Comments:
“I think a big part of growing up is realizing other people have their own stuff going on and other people respond to situations differently than you. I think she needs to acknowledge that your needs are just as important as hers, but hers keep getting met and yours keep falling by the wayside.
I’m exactly the same as you in personality type and my ex did that same thing, saying I don’t love her anymore and even got to the point of breaking up with me every night and undoing it every morning after. If your conversation with her proves to be a learning moment for her and she can agree to at least not expect you to reply when you’re seriously busy and expect maybe a gentle busy reply when you’re just doing stuff around the house, then I think you two can work on this and honestly grow from it, especially if you do love each other so much.
What I will say though, is that if she doesn’t take it well, that is a sign she might not be ready to consider someone else’s needs yet, and not ready to be in a serious relationship. Plus the friends are big red flags and if she doesn’t understand why her friends are jerks, she’ll never understand why she is when she picks up their behaviors.
When that behavior is acceptable for someone else to do to you, you internalize it’s okay to behave that way with others too. This goes for both of you. Make sure you stick to your values and hopefully you both can grow together. Good luck!” prismaticshards
10. WIBTJ If I Postpone My Wedding Proposal?
“My (22M) significant other (21F) and I have been together for 4 years now (all through college) and I know she’s the one for me. Both of our families get along and we agree on most fundamental things, kids, religion, lifestyle, etc…
The only thing is that she has approx 40k in student loans and I have 0.
We both had the same amount of family help but I chose a cheaper college and worked part-time during all 4 years and she did not. I also am much more frugal in my lifestyle at school (I hang out with friends for free and she and her friends go to a different bar/restaurant a week).
Our families said they will contribute some to a wedding fund (approx 10k out of 25k total budget, we live in Philly, PA, USA and this is a fair budget for the area and our families’ sizes) but the rest would be left up to me and her to pay for (15k).
This leads to the point that I would have to pay for the rest of the wedding by myself while she pays down her loans (or she funds the wedding budget 50/50 and doesn’t pay down the loans in which I still have to pay them off when we get married: same difference).
WIBTJ if I waited until she paid down her loans (I think it would take about 2 years) so that we could each contribute 50/50 to the wedding fund and not just me? I have talked to her and she said that she just wants to get married and deal with the loans later.
Part of me thinks it’s fair because she could have had much less debt if she made different choices and also I want her to pay for her own school and choices but also I see that it could be a jerk move to delay a marriage over money and I could seem a bit selfish.
INFO: (both of our jobs pay roughly the same, around 70 – 80k and we would plan to live together and split expenses after grad)”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – But you and she need to have a serious talk about finances before you get married because it seems like you two have very different spending habits and levels of comfort with taking on debt.
You also need to talk about long-term savings goals (e.g. a house and retirement) and saving vs. investing. You two are going to be making enough money starting out that if you are smart and careful you can put yourselves in a really strong financial position early on.
Even with the debt she currently has.
And keep in mind that being married does not mean that you automatically have to take on her debt or combine finances right away. Get a prenup that states that debt incurred prior to the marriage is the responsibility of the spouse who incurred the debt.
Then agree to keep your finances separate except for one joint account that you both contribute to equally and that you use ONLY for joint expenses (rent, utilities, groceries, etc.). You could also do a joint savings account that you both contribute equally to if you want to save up for something like a house.
Whatever you each have left over after those contributions you each get to spend however you want. Some of hers would obviously need to go towards her loan. With the salaries you will both have, if you split expenses and live frugally then she should be able to pay off her debt in a couple of years before it balloons with interest. But she needs to be willing to make that a priority for her spending.
As for the wedding – it does not sound like the two of you have 15k to contribute to your wedding fund. There is nothing romantic about taking on debt. Have a less expensive wedding, or wait until you have saved up the amount you want to spend in cash.
But seriously, 25k makes a nice dent in a down payment for a house. So consider what your goals are.” Forward_Squirrel8879
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – however, you need to look at this much more clearly.
You say that you agree on most fundamental things which is great… but you clearly don’t agree on financial issues.
You’re frugal she isn’t. Finances are one of the major issues for failed marriages.
Going into a marriage with little to no debt is great, however, if that debt is keeping you from proposing, are you putting finances before love? Are you saying they are only worth it if they don’t have that debt?
Everyone is allowed to live and do what they want, so no jerks here at all if everyone is handling their finances so they can live without assistance. But these financial issues will only get worse once you have kids, maybe grad school, medical bills… if you don’t get on the same page now, you never will.” CornMuscles529
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
My bigger concern is how you each handle finances now. Are you both working full-time? Does your SO pay all her own living expenses, including paying her loan payments? Is your SO saving for the future?
Based on your ages, I’m guessing that you may both be graduating now and not necessarily have full-time jobs and be making loan payments.
It could be a mistake for the two of you to get married right out of college. Get established in jobs, live away from home/school, pay your own living expenses, and learn to live independently for a year or two.
That would give you time to see if the two of you are financially compatible or not (for instance, if she continues to spend lavishly instead of saving for a wedding or paying down debt).
And it would give you both time to save for the future wedding.
If you both split wedding costs equally, it would be fine to marry her while she still had student loans… So long as her student loans in a year or two are less than they are now (in other words, she needs to make payments to cover more than just the interest so the principal decreases).
It’s not whether your partner has debt or not that’s important as much as their attitudes about debt and finances.” teresajs
9. AITJ For Being Mad About My Stolen Charger?
“I (15F) have been dealing with this 100 times. Every time I come from home and go to my room, my charger magically wouldn’t be there, and when my things aren’t in order it freaks me out and makes me very annoyed. Anyway, today was particularly worse.
My aunt (25F) comes over every week with my little cousin to work, since her home is far from her work, and mine’s close to her home.
Today she started working at 2 PM, while I was still at school. When I come back from school, I played with my little cousin and then took a nap till 8 PM.
When I woke up, I saw that my phone was at 4% and I wanted to charge it ASAP. I go to my room to charge my phone and see my charger isn’t there. Mind you, I had just woken up and thus was obviously going to be moodier, I started calling my mom asking her where my charger was, and she told me ‘I don’t know, go ask your aunt’, and so I did.
I asked her where my charger was and she was the one who took it… Not so surprising.
My mom noticed that I had an ‘annoyed’ face and called me out for it. I told her it’s because I don’t like people taking my stuff without me knowing – or asking and then NOT telling me where it is, where they have put it or it’s them that have it.
She got mad at me and started lecturing me saying ‘Your aunt takes you out to eat, have fun, etc’ and that I basically wasn’t allowed to be annoyed with it cuz she’s an adult and I apparently can’t be upset with stuff like this lolol.
I told her my feelings were valid and my mom kept invalidating me and gaslighting me, fortunately, I’m stubborn so I obviously didn’t want to listen to a thing she said. I told her I had the right to be mad that my stuff is taken without me knowing, and me being a child and her an adult has nothing to do with it since respect goes both ways.
My mom got mad at me and told me to shut up and that I know nothing and am talking back…
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, use a sharpie or nail polish to decorate the outside of the charger, then there is no doubt it is yours, along with a tag that says DO NOT REMOVE!!
Very annoying for you!!” winesis
Another User Comments:
“Wouldn’t it be simpler to just keep the charger someplace private? Yes, your room should be private but obviously, it isn’t, so how about in a drawer or the closet?
NTJ, but you won’t win this argument while still living at home.” TheRealSkeeter
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
‘I told her it’s because I don’t like people taking my stuff without me knowing- or asking and then NOT telling me where it is, where they have put it or it’s them that have it.’
That’s completely normal and reasonable to expect.
The older I get, the more I realize we don’t treat children like people. I’m sorry.” Still_Association
8. AITJ For Not Wanting My Dad To Remarry Yet?
“My mom and dad have been a part of a very messy divorce (took about 5 years for the divorce to finally happen) which involved my mother throwing cases of multiple types of abuse, him lying to her, and whatnot.
All of this started when I was about 9 years old – I’ll be turning 15 this year. They emotionally separated in 2018, but it ended legally in September 2021.
My dad, after the divorce, hooked up with multiple women and has now decided to marry one. He kept me in the dark for over a year.
After seeing him for the first time in 5 years in 2021, he told me that we’re going to spend time bonding and making up for the last 5 years (he wasn’t living at home, he was in Dublin and then Basel, whereas I was in another country with my mother and sister).
He introduced me to his fiancée as a childhood friend of his. She took me out for meals and shopping a couple of times. A few weeks later, I was told that she was going to be my father’s second wife.
I know that all of this sounds completely normal, but I didn’t feel like it was okay.
Everyone around me (my immediate family) expected me to look at her the way a child would look at a mother and that she would be my ‘second mother’ (my birth mother and I don’t have the best relationship, haven’t spoken in months) and I absolutely hate the idea of her being a part of my family.
Every time she comes over to our place, I feel like screaming and kicking her out of the house. I don’t dislike her as a person, I dislike her because of the position she thinks she has taken on. She’s already started bonding with my grandparents (who love her way more than they love me btw) and has started taking German lessons for when she moves with my dad and me.
My grandparents have started saying things like ‘Learn this and that from her’ and ‘She’s the best person on this planet’ as though she isn’t stealing my mother’s position in this family.
I just don’t feel like I’m ready for a new person in this family since my dad and I barely got any time to get to know each other again.
I feel like he’s no longer going to prioritize me the way he didn’t in the last 5 years, and I’m going to be left to rot. I feel so selfish even while writing this because I know I should think about what my dad needs and about the things that make me happy, but don’t I have a say in this particular matter?
Or am I actually being really selfish and should learn to adjust?
Update: I told my dad how I feel. I told him that I still need some time to process all of this. Instead of being angry, he was hurt. I couldn’t possibly feel more guilty.
I’ve almost never seen my dad cry and today I saw tears in his eyes. He told me that my feelings are understandable and that we can work on our bond and make up for lost time and have 1v1 conversations even though he’s getting married which made me feel a bit better but I still feel pretty weird.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Divorce is never easy to deal with, especially when your father hasn’t precisely prioritized you in the five years since the divorce. It’s understandable to not react well to his fiancée when their tactic has been ‘this is what it is’ rather than taking it slow and letting you have time to adjust. It’s especially understandable to feel as if she’ll be his priority rather than him fulfilling his promise of making up for a lost time.
I would suggest talking with your father one on one. However, I’ve also read through your comments that he has a short temper and that you’re afraid of how he’ll react to you revealing these complicated feelings. I would then suggest talking to your grandparents first to see their opinion on how best to approach your father on this.” Alistor3
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It does seem like they’ve sprung this on you instead of giving you space and time to adjust to the new dynamic. And it honestly sounds like your dad has been largely absent since the divorce, so it’s natural that you’d want time with him, not him and the new fiancée.
You don’t get a ‘say’ but you can absolutely tell your dad how you feel. Just be prepared for him to not take it well.” happybanana134
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You still have a lot of issues from the divorce and family dynamics. You aren’t ready to let someone else in and add to the issues you already have.
That is totally valid. Your feelings sound more like you are trying to defend yourself from another possible harm.
I think a counselor could help you work through this and communicate this to the family.” Master-Manipulation
7. AITJ For Not Being Obedient To The Assistant Principal?
“I (F17) study engineering at a tech high school everything was going great until we got a new assistant principal (keyword ‘was’) Mrs. Mooney (f 40ish). At first, I thought everything would be fine because the other few principals we had and have had were and are quite fond of me however, that was not the case.
This week was the beginning of our engineering finals and since I was pretty tired because of how long the tests are, I started to wear sweatpants and baggy shirts even though I mainly try to look neat for school (ex: Very neat outfits, lots of makeup, and nicely done hair) even with these less neat outfits, I always try to follow the dress code.
Yesterday (Wednesday) I finished my test early and was allowed to join the other group of students who had finished their test early to get lunch. We were having a great time until Mrs. Mooney stopped us and pointed to me stating ‘You young lady are breaking the dress code,’ which at first caught the group and I off guard.
There was nothing wrong with my outfit it was just plain black converse, black sweatpants, and a white shirt a size too big but to her there was something wrong with it. ‘Mrs. Mooney, I’m following dress code-‘ I began but she quickly cut me off.
‘Lunch and after-school detention for you, now go change.’ I normally don’t go against teachers or admin but this was just stupid ‘No, I’m not breaking dress code there’s nothing revealing about my outfit.’ This must have made her see red because she began screaming at me, calling me disrespectful, a loud mouth, and stupid in the end.
I was given ISS (In school suspension) for just breaking the dress code but for also speaking back to the school admin.
So am I the jerk for going against the school principal?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I hope your parents are willing to go to bat for you.
If you have a copy of the school’s dress code, make sure your clothes don’t violate them, then I would ask your parents to email the assistant principal and the principal asking them to please review your ISS consequence because it does not seem to be in compliance with school policy.
You can email yourself, but unfortunately, your parents will have more weight with the principal.” Spallanzani333
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Wear the exact same outfit, bring your parents to school and ask her to explain in front of your parents what is wrong with your outfit, explain in detail what is wrong.
Also if you can record her reaction and send it to the school board administrator depending on how good or bad it goes. I have a feeling she did that because she was discriminating against you.” ReaderMomof1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Even as a child, you shouldn’t be required to follow unlawful orders, and if you were not in violation of the dress code, that’s an unlawful order.
And that’s not even getting into how school dress codes enforce discrimination by determining children’s gender based on their clothing, so they should all be revised before anyone points a finger at another violation.” toofat2serve
6. AITJ For Being Mad At My Sister Who Doesn't Want To Say Goodbye To Our Grandma?
“I (19f) have a sister (22f) and we both live out of our house, I’m an out-of-state college student and she has an internship a state over.
Recently, our mom told us that our grandmother is nearing her end, and will likely pass within a week. My grandmother is 96 and is just passing of old age.
Even though it’s the middle of my finals season, I’m taking the time this weekend to drive a 12-hour round trip back home so I can say my goodbyes.
She’s been fading for a while but I feel it’s the right thing to do, particularly since it’s so hard on my parents. She’s our last living grandparent and my family is extremely small, so it’s really just me, my sister, and my parents.
I asked my sister if she was going back home so we could possibly carpool (I’m on her way back home) to make it easier on both of us. She refuses to go. She says she doesn’t ‘need to see her for closure’ and just doesn’t want to see her in the state she’s in.
I know it’s her choice, but I can’t help but feel really upset that she’s not even going to see our grandma before she dies. I don’t want to see her in that state either, but I’m doing it because I feel it’s right and to support my parents.
I haven’t gotten mad at her or anything but when I asked her why she wasn’t going to go she told me it was her decision and she wasn’t gonna argue about it. AITJ for being upset? I feel like she’s being kinda inconsiderate here but I also know she’s an adult who can make her own choices.
EDIT: this is not about carpooling or me wanting her to drive me there, I never even asked her about carpooling I just asked if she was going home to see our grandma and she said no. Also for those who are concerned, I do not hold this against her, my concern was whether it was okay for me to feel frustrated, not if it was okay for me to guilt her into doing something.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You are disappointed that your sister does not feel the same way you do about saying goodbye. Maybe your sister feels like she and your grandmother are in a good place and know how they feel about one another and she would rather remember her in the good times, than the last memory being on her deathbed. Different people deal with things in different ways.
If your grandmother specifically ASKED for the two of you to be there, then that would be a different story. Perhaps your sister will live to regret it, perhaps not. What is important is that you are doing what you feel is right for YOU.” kimariesingsMD
Another User Comments:
“YTJ… a little bit.
Everyone has their own way of grieving. She has a very legitimate reason why she doesn’t want to see her grandma in that state. If she has made peace with it, you really have no business to say otherwise.
Please don’t take this the wrong way, but you almost sound more upset that she can’t give you a ride/carpool over her not going. That sounds harsh but I just don’t care for the way you seem more ‘justified’ in your actions.
See how people can take people’s reasonings differently?
It’s the same way you are treating your sister. Just because she doesn’t want to see her grandmom… or doesn’t initially cry at the funeral or doesn’t do any other thing you may perceive as normal doesn’t mean she’s grieving any less than you. YOU do what YOU think is right.
If you feel you need to be there for your parents; good on you. But don’t throw that back in your sister’s face because you feel you are ‘doing more.’
And… it’s definitely one thing to feel that way. All kinds of thoughts and stuff going on in our heads.
We can’t be blamed for our thoughts. But don’t push that on your sister. Talk about her to your parents and don’t guilt her for not thinking the same way as you.” Sweet_Charming82
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for being upset. But don’t push her just because you think it’s what she should do.
Let her make her own decision. But again, it’s completely understandable that this upsets you. Everyone processes things and grieves differently. You don’t have to understand another person’s grieving process, just respect it. Her final response to you makes it clear that she felt like she was being pushed too much and was standing her ground.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because not everyone processes grief the same way, yet you expect her to feel and act the same as you about this situation. You’re losing one member of your small family to natural death (my condolences, but it does sound like a very long and full life at least), and you’ll lose another (your sister) if you hold some grudge against her for this.
As someone who did say goodbye to a dying family member, I’ll say it’s really tough to see the person you’ve always loved so vastly change. I wish that I hadn’t, because my grandma was too far gone to know I was there, and it terrified/unsettled me for years after.
I gave in to family pressure to see her though, and my being there didn’t make her passing easier on anyone, nor did it give her ‘peace.’ You don’t care about how your sister feels at all in this situation, YTJ.” ppl_n_r_neighborhood
5. WIBTJ If I Don't Want My Sister To Meet My Son?
“I 27f met my other half in 2020. Things moved really fast and we found out I was pregnant. So I moved to his hometown to live with him and our daughter (biologically not mine but that’s how I see and treat her, she loves it).
Our son was born in September and is now just over 7 and a half months old.
Now, when I announced I was moving, everyone was happy for me except my mother and older sister 32f (30 at the time) they kept saying I was abandoning them and my other half was stealing me away, etc., Very frustrating but tried my best just to ignore it.
Since my son was born, every close member has come to see him except my sister. She’s never even met her partner face-to-face or daughter (she’s met her partner over video chat but was very off with him and it was obvious she didn’t like him) she gets very angry if she doesn’t see pictures but has made no effort to see him, we have even offered to cover travel for people to come.
She can go last minute to a different city for shopping but can’t be bothered to meet her nephew. We haven’t been to my home town to visit as trying to wrangle a baby, nearly 12yr old, a service dog plus pram and luggage on and off trains is a nightmare).
I’m just at the point now where I’m not bothered we never talk and she just doesn’t seem interested even my own dad who I don’t have much of a relationship has been to see him.
So WIBTJ if she asks to visit in the future and I refused?
I’d love for my son to know all his family but I can’t help feeling bad for him and annoyed that his auntie doesn’t see him.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, though in the spirit of harmony in a family that isn’t completely toxic, if I were you, I’d see what her attitude is if she ever asks to visit.
Like, if she shows any kind of contrition or similar, I’d let her come. If she continues to act spoilt, forget it.” Old_Mintie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if she not making the effort then you don’t make any efforts. Family doesn’t mean anything.
You can pick your family!
Your family sounds wonderful, healthy, and amazing. Focus on them, anyone else who wants to be a part of that will if not, does it really matter?” ReaderMomof1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but don’t expect or try to force a relationship with someone who shows they don’t care.
Don’t exclude your son from the rest of your family, but you’re not obligated to give her any special treatment she hasn’t earned.” WholeAd2742
4. AITJ For Being Mad At My Friend For Suddenly Canceling?
“My friends (group of about 7 or so people) have been trying to make plans to go to the beach for the past week or so.
This has been very difficult because not everyone is always available and we also wanted to make sure that it’s gonna be good weather- thus us taking a whole week.
One of my friends, let’s call him John, never really answered texts but always said that he could make it no matter what date we chose.
We choose a Monday? John can make it. We choose any other day? He can still make it. I was also very excited about him coming because he is always fun to be around and we have two new guys joining us who don’t really know anyone except for me so John could make them feel very welcome.
We finally found a day where most people are available, which is in two days. I had to meanwhile text those two other guys about our plans because they’re not in the group caht. I already had to text them three times about a change in our plans, and I don’t want to do it again.
So, today, John texts and says that he can’t make it because he forgot about a game he has in two days. Apparently, he has to text his coach he can’t make it before Thursday, aka today. I’m confused because John said he could make it the entire week, and now, kind of last minute (not really though but still bad timing), says he can’t make it anymore.
I try asking him whether he can still cancel, or maybe call in sick, but he says that he can’t do that because it’s a trashy thing to do (call in fake sick). Of course, it is, but it’s also trashy to say you can make it the entire week and then cancel last minute.
Finally, he says that he might consider calling in sick but then realizes that he has a party with one of his teammates the next day and says that it would be ‘sus’ for him to still show up to the party… Also ends up saying that he’s already busy on Saturday (We are both going to a birthday party, but it’s late in the evening, I don’t know about his other plans).
AITJ for being mad at him? I just want to say that I don’t like being mad and am not really mad, but just feel awful about how this whole situation is playing out… another guy who already said that he might not be able to make it just now canceled so I will probably have to text those two guys and say that we need to change our plans again…”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s pretty normal to feel mad or frustrated in such a situation. John isn’t in the wrong either. He forgot a game and doesn’t want to call in fake sick. It is just one of those frustrating things that happen in life from time to time.” Lenethren
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, if he has other plans that are unfortunate, but you don’t ask people to cancel for you. He should be more aware of what he has going on, so it just sounds like he doesn’t want to go.
At least he called to cancel, I’ve ended friendships because of people never communicating with me that they were no longer coming to various events.
If people want to be around you, they will be, but you can’t force it.” Pr3dAcan3
Another User Comments:
“In my opinion, NTJ but John is the jerk. If it was an important game, he should have noted it down somewhere and had reminders.
Unless it wasn’t an already planned game (which I doubt but could be), it’s johns fault to have poor time management.
I have friends like that, been there, I was like ok guys, I am sick and tired of being the only one organizing these dates, do it yourselves and just invite me.
So don’t ponder too much in organizing, and toss the burden to someone else, they’ll realize how difficult it is.” scarlet-twilight
3. AITJ For Arguing With My Partners About Going To A Concert?
“I’m F30 with F26 and M34 significant others. We have been in a committed relationship for over 5 years. Recently I found out a couple of bands I really like have live streams for their concerts. I got into an argument with my girl about it because I am willing to pay 50 bucks to watch the live stream since I can’t go to a concert live due to anxiety.
She told me it was stupid and a waste of money for something I would only enjoy once. I tried to bring up when I have paid for them to go to stuff like Megacon, movies, and of course the video games that get played in the house.
Our male partner has agreed with her about it. I just feel like they’re having double standards but after arguing with both of them I’m not sure. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Going to the movies probably costs the same after food and drinks as well and it’s a one-time thing.
You’re paying for an experience and just because they think it’s stupid because they aren’t into the same experience doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t do what you want. You can agree to disagree. Being in a relationship shouldn’t prevent you from doing something you know you’ll enjoy and won’t hurt others for you to enjoy it.” pelorizado83
Another User Comments:
“Eh. Everyone sucks here.
They too should support things you want to do. However, I can understand not wanting to pay $50 to attend a concert in my living room. Something I can YouTube. It just seems like a waste. Going out and spending a lot to do things get you out into the environment the mood the ambiance are one thing sitting at home for a concert just doesn’t sound like something interesting to me.
So I get where they are coming from.
Like I said though you do stuff with them they should do stuff you enjoy too.” 926dr
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Paid live-streaming events have been a thing ever since Pay-Per-View (that’s how old I am). There is nothing wrong with spending your moolah on a hobby you enjoy.
Your partners are free to not participate, but they should really butt out of your business. $50 is hardly going to break the bank.” missshrimptoast
2. AITJ For Being Mad At My Partner For Not Talking To Her Parents About Our Kids?
“My significant other (24F) and I (23M) are high school sweethearts and have 2 children together.
We live 11 hours from our hometown which is where her parents live. They have medical problems, nothing life-threatening but they definitely make it hard to come to see us, so we travel to them. They hadn’t met our 9-month-old son yet, and this was really bothering them.
So we made a surprise trip on our daughter’s spring break so they could meet him before he turned 1.
I was holding our son and my significant other’s mom came in and told us she gave him crushed ice and he loved it. We smiled as she went to go get some from her ice machine.
She came back and grabbed a piece for him, I looked at it and thought it was too big so I asked her to grab a smaller piece. She looked at me and told me ‘No, this piece is fine.’ Then proceeded to give it to him.
I pulled him back right before it reached his mouth, causing her to drop it. While I pulled him back I told her I really would be more comfortable if he had a smaller piece. She responded after she dropped the piece ‘it’s fine. Don’t you know that babies can’t choke on ice?’ My significant other said ‘they can inhale it’.
Her mom just walked away, and it irritated me not because of the ice, but because in my opinion if she was willing to continue to give it to him while I told her no, she would definitely do it behind my back.
My significant other says that her mom never gave our son the piece so it’s okay.
I said that’s only because it fell. She then responded by saying well then you don’t know if she would because it fell.
We left it at that. I told her that I was annoyed over the respect aspect. I told her mom no, and she continued to do it anyway and she didn’t say anything about it.
As I said earlier, I jump on anyone who doesn’t respect my significant other’s decision. She birthed our children, she along with I are the people who make the decisions. Now because I’m like this, I thought I could be overreacting to the fact my significant other refuses to say anything.
I also think she may not want to because we don’t see them a ton as she didn’t even flinch or care when I asked if she could help me make sure her mom doesn’t smoke while holding our son because I walked out on the porch and saw her holding him while smoking.
She shrugged me off and continued playing her game because I grabbed our son so all is good now. To me, I expected her to say something. I’m not rude to her parents, I try to always respect them which is why I didn’t get into them.
Her not caring just added to the situation.
Am I the jerk here and should just drop it?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are right that you need to present a united front as parents, and also that each partner should be the spokesperson to their set of parents.
But I wonder if your SO just has problems confronting her parents generally. I think it’s worth having a conversation generally with her where you say to her: It’s important to me that we stick up for each other regarding parenting decisions.
How do you want to handle this?
I usually take the lead when it comes to my parents. How do you want to handle it when it comes to yours? Do you want to be the point person? Or would you prefer if I handle it?” Aylauria
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This has to do with your son’s safety.
I can see her not pressing the first issue because she did correct her mom about babies being able to choke on ice. From her pov, the incident was over. Unless it was repeated, she might not have seen the need to press it. But the smoking thing is incredibly dangerous.
Even an elementary school kid knows the dangers of secondhand smoke. I can’t see how your SO didn’t flip out.” FrederickChase
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But, I’d be far more concerned about your babies being held by her while smoking than ice. Smoke is no joke and it being on her hands, clothes, hair, and in her house would be a huge no for me visiting with infants at all.” rockyrockette
1. AITJ For Inviting Only Some Of The Kids In Our Family To My Wedding?
“I am very close with my 3 cousins and their families and I am inviting their kids to my wedding this year. One of my cousins, let’s call her Kelly, has 2 kids and is getting married next year to her fiancé (we will call him Tim) who has 3 kids of his own.
I told her fiancé that because the wedding is expensive I am only inviting my cousin’s kids who are my b***d relatives. I do know that Tim’s kids do not feel very included in our family and his daughter was hurt that they were not invited. Am I the jerk for only inviting Kelly, Tim, and Kelly’s 2 kids?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Even though they’re not married yet, I assume they already consider themselves a blended family? Those 3 kids are going to be your cousin’s kids, and by extension, your family too.
If one of your cousins had adopted their child, would you also tell them not to invite their child because it’s not b***d-related?
You might not be b***d-related to these kids, but they’re still your family.
It’s your wedding and you can decide who you want to be part of your day but don’t be surprised if Tim and Kelly refuse to choose between their kids and your wedding.” ExchangePowerful3225
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Weddings are already expensive and you should’ve expected that. You should’ve done a head count and rough estimations early on and if it was too expensive find a cheaper venue or have a child-free wedding. Do not exclude family because they’re not b***d-related. That’s so hurtful.
Love makes a family, not DNA.” Holmes221bBSt
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. That’s worse than if your cousin invited you to her wedding but said your husband wasn’t welcome. Of course, his kids don’t feel included; you are excluding them. Don’t expect to continue being close to your cousin; if she’s any decent kind of person, none of them will be at the wedding or have much of anything to do with you in the future.” Internal_Progress404
