People Are Curious For Our Impressions Of Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
16. AITJ For Not Picking My Sister Up At The Airport?
“So my family decided to go on an Alaskan cruise this spring leaving out of Seattle.
We live north of Portland and are planning to make the drive up there the morning before the cruise (about a 3-hour drive) that leaves around 4 pm.
My sister booked a flight months in advance that landed in Portland the morning of the cruise instead of just flying to Seattle.
She wanted to drive up there with us I suppose. The problem is that the flight lands just 5 hours before the cruise leaves and somehow I got the responsibility of picking her up which I just sort of accepted begrudgingly.
I had accepted this task without going over it with my SO who does not like this plan at all because of the time crunch.
It became a heated topic with us for a few weeks with me just saying I have to because my sister is an idiot.
Well after thinking about it further I decided I wasn’t comfortable making the trip to the airport and possibly risking missing the cruise since I’d have to wait on the flight and I wanted to be there at noon, not 3:30-4:00.
A month in advance, I informed my sister that I would not be picking her up from the airport as I was not comfortable with the time and offered to pay for a rental car for her to drive herself.
Well oh boy she did not take that well at all and I feel like I’d need to provide a little bit of backstory to explain why she might have exploded. She is recently divorced and is in a terrible state of mind right now because she did not want the divorce at all.
The problem is that while she was married I became really close to her husband and he felt like a brother to me. We got along great and hung out quite often and talked about personal stuff that I couldn’t discuss with anyone else.
After their divorce, I was expected to cut ties with him but I didn’t want to despite my ENTIRE family saying I should. I was too close to him to just completely remove him from my life and so I didn’t. I do not discuss my friendship with him with anyone and I keep it to myself to not upset my sister but she knows I still talk to her ex-husband.
So maybe I’m a jerk for that but I don’t think so.
Anyways she absolutely lost it. I messaged her privately to discuss how she’d like to get to the port so I could pay for it. After a couple of angry texts saying that I should screw myself, she decided to message the group for the cruise stating, “OP is so stupid.” This, of course, started a family-wide attempt to calm us both down since of course I had to defend myself and we basically just fired off at each other and said some just terrible stuff.
After it all calmed down my parents were not happy with my sister’s behavior which was nice of them to finally be on my side but my other siblings found me to be a huge jerk.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I can see why she might be a little bit annoyed with you for canceling the arranged plan BUT it’s not like you’ve dropped this on her 2 days in advance… and your reasoning for not wanting to do it is understandable.
You’ve even offered to pay out of your own pocket (which you absolutely don’t have to do – as you were doing her a favor by picking her up) to get your ADULT SISTER to the cruise on time via alternate arrangements and she’s treating you horribly for it?
Screw her.
She’s a grown woman, let her pay her own way there as she is just being petulant at that point. you’re not her slave, to re-iterate: you were doing her a favor in the first place by picking her up.
I get the impression that this is probably a lot to do with resentment she probably holds for you for being friends with her ex-husband, by the sounds of it your siblings feel the same way (NTJ for that either in my opinion).” ValonqarNathan
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
Your sister is planning poorly and asking something unreasonable of you. You agreed to it though. Then backed out.
I think this is really about being so close with her ex. It seems clear from this post you value him “as a brother” more than your sister.
So she probably feels rejected by you. She is probably also jealous of you because you are so close to him and she didn’t want the divorce. That’s a lot of emotion to try and handle with grace (which she is probably not managing to do).
I guess it’s just a matter of priorities. Any of my siblings would be prioritized over any of their partners without a second thought. Your sister is discovering that’s not the case for you. I honestly can’t decide if it makes you the jerk… but it is going to be tough for her to accept either way.” zaxscdvfbgbgnhmjj
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I cruise all the time and this setup is asking for trouble. Flying cross country into the port city on the day of the cruise is always a risk since plane delays happen all the time. You also need to be aware of the latest time you can board the ship, usually, you need to be on 2 hours before the ship leaves but in some lines, it’s 1 hour.
Assuming the flight gets in on time, there is no baggage to pick up, and you immediately leave on a 3-hour drive which will get you there 1 hour before the ship departs means you are most likely going to miss embarkation anyways let alone if there are any delays.
Unless your sister wants to spend additional money flying to the next port she can embark on, which may not be the next port, she needs to change her flight to Seattle and make sure she gets in at least 5 or 6 hours before the ship is scheduled to depart.
Ships do not wait.” Goddessocoffee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Planning the travel that way is just stupid, and definitely risking missing the cruise. You’ve given her more than enough time to either change flights or make other arrangements, and your siblings suck too for siding with her yet not being willing to pick her up themselves.
Feels a bit like a sibling dogpile!
And yeah, I’m guessing that she’s taking out her anger at you still being friends with her ex over this. To me, that’s a no-jerk situation, unless the relationship ended because of mistreatment, where she might have legitimate safety concerns.
This guy was a part of your family for a long time, and as long as you’re not rubbing it in her face or doing things like inviting them both to events, it’s understandable that you might want to continue to be friends.” bluedog33
15. WIBTJ If I Confronted The Parents Of The Girl Who Stole My Dog?
“Some background: I (28f) just got engaged to my now-fiance (29m). His new apartment in a swanky high-rise is way bigger and nicer than my old place, so we decided to move in together. We hadn’t before this because I had an elderly cat who didn’t get along with his lab and terrier mix.
The cat developed a medical condition that needed constant monitoring, which I wasn’t able to do, so my mom offered to take care of him. I was sad about having to give up my cat, but he’s way better off with my mom. Recently, we got a French Bulldog puppy.
On the floor above us (in one of the penthouses) lives a family with three kids: one girl, “Suzie” (6), and two twins (m, about a year). Both parents take frequent work trips, so the kids are left with a nanny, “Katie” (23f), who I’ve become friendly with.
I walk the dogs to the same park that Katie takes the kids to. Suzie loves my dogs, plays with them, and talks to them. It’s really cute, but she’s said some stuff that concerns me, like that they are her “only friends” and that “they are the only ones who love her.” But she’s really imaginative and has a flair for the dramatic, so I wasn’t sure what to think about that.
Anyways, a couple of days ago, I was about to take the dogs for a walk when I discovered that the lab (who had eaten grass in the morning) had barfed in our bedroom. I tied the leashes around the shoe rack and tried to clean it up quickly.
I heard the elevator stop on our floor (it opens into a kind of foyer on each floor) but then it kept going up. When I had finished cleaning, I went back and I saw that the bulldog was gone. I thought he had run into the elevator, so I checked the lobby and the street.
I was just about ready to call my fiance when I remembered that Katie would be bringing the kids back from the park and that Suzie might want to help.
So I took the elevator up to their floor, only to be greeted by Katie asking me if “I wanted the puppy back from his playdate.” I was shocked and confused. When I went into the living room, I saw Suzie sitting and playing with the puppy, feeding him salami that I knew would upset his stomach.
The second she saw me, she started crying, saying that I was stealing her best friend, that she wanted him back. The puppy ran over to me, and I picked him up and mumbled a few things to Katie before hightailing it right to the elevator.
I told my fiance what happened and that I thought we should talk to Suzie’s parents. He agreed with me and said that it sounded like Suzie had some issues with friends. When I told my mom, she said Suzie was probably just being bratty, that this would probably make Katie lose her job, and that I shouldn’t make “a bunch of trouble over a spoiled kid.” I don’t want to make Katie lose her job, but I feel like there’s more to Suzie’s behavior.
So, WIBTJ if I talked to Suzie’s parents?”
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ, I don’t think in any way this should make Katie lose her job. If Suzie’s behavior is a problem, why is it something Katie has to fix? You should talk to the parents in a non-accusatory way (sometimes parents are very defensive when it comes to their children) and explain what happened and express your concern.
You should also explain to Katie why you’re bringing this up with her parents as well, so she doesn’t take it as if you’re going behind her back or betraying her.
Also, it was jerkish of Katie to just take your dog without your consent.
If this situation didn’t involve an adult supervising Suzie, your dog could’ve potentially gotten hurt (most likely not intentionally, but sometimes children don’t understand how to look after animals completely).” Lemon104
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Talk to Katie first. Katie should know that allowing a child to take a dog that does not belong to her is wrong.
If she and Suzie had asked beforehand and you gave them permission it would be a whole other story, but the fact that they stole your dog while you weren’t looking is bizarre and crosses boundaries – it is not their dog and they have no right to take it.
I would speak with Katie first and tell her either not to let Suzie take your dog or to ask permission first if you feel okay letting them hang out. I don’t think it’s entirely necessary to tell Suzie’s parents she needs therapy – she is not your child and though I agree it does sound like she could benefit from therapy, ultimately it’s not really your place to say what she needs and that may upset her parents and cause other unnecessary issues.
If Katie persists in allowing this behavior, let Suzie’s parents know so that they can lay down the boundaries for their employee.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“No one’s a jerk (kid’s too young to be the jerk, just bratty). Speak to the parents but emphasize that Katie returned the dog to you immediately (hopefully preserving her job) but don’t mention therapy.
Even the hint of such things can make a lot of parents become extremely defensive.
Just express your concern about the way their daughter is forming attachments to an animal that is not hers and mention that you heard her talking about not having friends at school.
Be sympathetic, of course. Feeling alone and friendless is hard at any age.” TinselFlagellum
14. AITJ For Not Wanting To Engage With My Half-Brother?
“So, my half-brother lives 8 or so states away.
He (40 M) has struggled with addiction for pretty much his entire life. Now, he has decided in some capacity that he wants to be better and he is in recovery. This is wonderful, and no shame on him for having addictions – I (21 F) get it and I don’t judge him for that at all.
However, I literally don’t remember him whatsoever. I’ve known he exists for my whole life, but he moved away from the state I’m in when I was very young and has made no effort whatsoever to contact me until December of 2019. I don’t remember him at all.
I still live very close to my father, and up until December the only time he would contact my father is to ask for money. Again, I’m super glad he’s turning his life around but… he messages me constantly.
The messages began in December and they were literally every single day (on social media).
I responded at first, but he was constantly insisting on me giving him my phone number (something I am not comfortable with and repeatedly refused) and kept insisting I should say I loved him and referring to me as “sis”. He also repeatedly insisted I talk to him on the phone, which I am not comfortable doing.
He also tried to contact my brother and repeatedly asked me to give him my brother’s number (who lives near me). I said no because that is not my place whatsoever, and if my brother wanted him to have his number he would’ve given it himself.
It got to the point where my half-brother would call our dad on the phone when he knew myself and my brother would be with him (like on holidays) and insist that we talk to him and my father would humor him, shoving the phone in my hands.
My brother hasn’t spoken to him at all and I have started to refuse.
My half-brother has also started to talk about taking over my father’s family business, and he’s starting to say to my dad that he’s just going to show up at my college graduation this year.
He also told my dad he was going to “call out” me and my brother for not speaking to him. Now, while my father can do whatever he wants with his business I think it’s super inappropriate for him to suggest just showing up and expecting things from “family” whom you never had a relationship with before a few months ago, and hardly even now.
The problem is that my dad of course wants me to be friends with him. At least speak to him. Thankfully my dad understands why I don’t want this guy at my graduation but thinks I should go along with everything else and it’s really hard telling him no, as I feel guilty… especially because recently I am refusing to talk to this guy at all because he was pushy and crossed many of my boundaries, and I said as much to him.
I also feel guilty because this guy seems to be trying to better his life, and I feel like I owe something to help that. But he just never takes no for an answer and again just steamrolls past others’ boundaries sometimes.
AITJ for not wanting to talk with him or meet him?
Thanks in advance.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s made remarks and requests which make you uncomfortable and if there were no b***d relation, I’d guess you’d have blocked him already without a second thought. For all intents and purposes, he’s a stranger, and this kind of behavior wouldn’t be tolerated from a stranger.
If he really wants to better his life, he should start by respecting the requests of people in it.” NikolaTeslaX
Another User Comments:
“No one’s a jerk – I don’t think anyone here is a jerk and I am being a little bit of an optimist. He could honestly be trying to start a fresh and reconnect with his family and you can of course limit his interaction.
Now he is being pushy about stuff and honestly, if you don’t want to meet him then it’s fine.” DeathGP
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You don’t owe him crap. A family connection has no inherent meaning, especially when you have literally no relationship with this guy.
The fact that he is in recovery doesn’t mean anything.
The fact that he is repeatedly disrespectful to you and your boundaries means a lot, none of it good.” Hunterofshadows
Addicts want what they want when they want it. Be it their drug, booze, to go gambling or whatever the addiction is. In your half-brother’s case, his “addiction” is to now get you and your other sibling to do what he wants.
13. AITJ For Not Wanting To Do This Guy's Dishes?
“My (23F) sister (21F) and I went to her ex-friend-with-benefit’s (26M) apartment since his parents were out of town and he said he wanted to cook steak for us. I was a bit disappointed when we got there and he realized he didn’t have any meat so he just cooked some sausages instead.
This was the first time I met the guy and he was behaving weirdly the entire time, whenever I would ask him something he would get super defensive and try to start an argument, but I don’t know if that’s relevant.
After we ate, sis and I started making pancakes.
As we were mixing the ingredients, he came into the kitchen and started yelling I should put the milk back in the fridge. I explained we still need it as we just started making the pancakes but he said the milk would go bad and he doesn’t wanna buy more.
While we’re all eating the pancakes he says “I hope you guys are gonna help with the dishes” in a very condescending tone. My sister was like yeah sure.
After we all finish eating and we’re just chilling, sitting down, he gets up and says “Well are you gonna do the dishes, or…?” which I’m not gonna lie annoyed me a lot.
First of all, I don’t ever recall having friends over for the evening and asking them to do the dishes, and second, the way he said it just felt very rude to me. So I told him something like “I don’t know why you think we HAVE to do your dishes, you could’ve asked nicely but you decided to be a jerk about it, plus I never make anyone do my dishes when they come over so that’s pretty weird.”
He got very mad and said that since we all used the dishes he shouldn’t be the only one doing them, plus his parents are gonna come back the next day and he can’t do all the cleaning himself. I know sis said we’d help, but his attitude ticked me off.
My sis started doing the dishes and I helped her but I told her we’re only gonna clean the dishes we used for making pancakes, he can clean the remaining three plates himself, I wasn’t gonna help at all because I was mad but I didn’t want to let my sister do it alone (she can’t properly use her left arm).
We finish and when he comes back I let him know he can clean the rest. Now the guy is fuming, he literally turns red and starts screaming “Why are you trying to be such a smarty pants, couldn’t you have just done all the dishes?”
I got super mad and yelled, “I’m done with you, you’re a manchild who can’t even wash three plates, I bet your mum does all the cleaning and you never help her either.” He got very angry and punched a wall and he looked like he was gonna cry.
We left but my sister blamed me for the entire thing, she said I should’ve been nicer and if I didn’t mock him this wouldn’t have happened. I feel like the way he basically ordered us around to do his dishes was infuriating and if he wanted help he should’ve asked nicely.
So, AITJ for not wanting to help a guy do the dishes?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Unfortunately. He was being really strange and I would be really uncomfortable in that situation… and even though I agree with everyone here that I wouldn’t ask guests to wash dishes, I would also never go to someone’s house and cook pancakes, using some of their ingredients, and then not clean everything I used. If you had cleaned as you were cooking he wouldn’t have had much of a leg to stand on asking you to do the dishes.” GetPunched
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Yikes. He sounds like an entire person made out of red flags. I’m sorry, but tell your sister that you did her a favor by standing up to this guy when he was rude – and showing her exactly what he was like.
You can get a lot of insight into a person by observing the way they react when you say ‘no’ or disagree – and this is how he behaved in front of someone he had just met over something pretty trivial.” Issamelissa84
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He gives me vibes that he just wanted you guys to be his maids while his parents are out.
I never expect guests to do dishes at my house. Even if we were making food together, I’d probably just leave them for later. It’s Being a Good Host 101.
Whatever mess is made in your house is your responsibility, not anyone else’s.” slumberingGnome
Another User Comments:
“ESH, but that guy the most for his ridiculous attitude. Why the heck did you guys decide to cook pancakes after he had made the sausages? This makes no sense.
You already knew the guy was acting weird (the milk comment is really odd). You both should have left after eating the sausages or sent out for pizza.” RedRose_Belmont
12. AITJ For Wanting To Cut Ties With My Uncle?
“For background, I (32m) had a rough childhood. My parents were physically and emotionally horrible. I left home at 15 and went to live with my uncle. I’ve been mostly no contact with my parents since, though I’ve kept in touch with my siblings.
My uncle was a great parent; because of him I finished school and went to uni.
I met a wonderful woman five years ago, and two years ago we were married. I invited my younger siblings (then 22m and 19f) and older sibling (then 34m) to the wedding, on the understanding none of them would tell my parents of it.
Someone told, and the day of, my dad showed up intoxicated. Among other things, he used a religion-based slur toward my wife, which is odd, as we’re all of the same faith. My uncle got him out of there and had a rather strong discussion with him.
I presumed one of my siblings told, though never learned which it was (each blamed one of the others when asked) but I’ve got past it.
My wife (30f) and I recently decided to start a family. She’s pregnant, due in September. It’s still pretty early, so we haven’t told everyone, but we told her parents and my uncle.
Uncle asked when I’ll tell my siblings, and I told him I won’t, as I don’t want them telling my parents. I don’t feel my parents deserve to even know about their first grandchild. This upset him at first, but then he seemed to agree it’s for the best.
Today, I got a call from my older brother. Before I could say “Hi,” he tore into me, accused me of wanting to wreck our family, etc. After a lot of him yelling and me trying to get a word in, he hung up. When I tried to call back, his phone went straight to voicemail.
This was followed by my phone blowing up with texts from my other siblings saying all sorts of awful things, wishing ill on me, my wife, and our child.
I got in touch with Uncle, asking if he had slipped up, and mentioned the pregnancy to my siblings.
He broke down and admitted he had. He has also, it seems, told my parents. I now suspect he told them about the wedding as well. I gave him a vicious telling off, told him I never want to speak to him again, and hung up.
Naturally, I’m angry. I told my wife I’ve had enough, that I don’t want anything to do with my parents, siblings, or uncle anymore. She insisted it must have been a mistake, or that he didn’t think before he spoke, but I’m certain he did.
He’s always the peacemaker, trying to get me to forgive my parents, trying to get them to admit their failures in caring for their children. My wife and I argued about it, and I stormed out for a while. When I got home, my wife and I talked it out, and we’re okay.
My uncle meanwhile has tried to call and text me endlessly, which I’ve ignored, but I’m starting to feel bad about it.
He betrayed my trust, but before that, he was my surrogate dad. He’s also old and in frail health. I feel I’ve been absolute crap to a man who really just wanted what he sees as best for me.
I’m still angry, but I worry I’ve gone too far. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I entirely understand how you feel and how angry you are. Are you sure that a permanent breach is what you want, though?
The fact that you are here suggests that you’re not certain, and bearing in mind your uncle’s age and health, you perhaps need to consider how you would feel if he died without you reconciling.
(If this concerns you at all/you think you might regret that, maybe you could meet him somewhere neutral and try to explain calmly your feelings/how his behavior has hurt you/how it needs to change in the future. If you have the terrible messages from your family you could show them to him.
You could lay down some clear and inviolable rules for the future, and explain that further “mistakes” or breaches of trust will result in no further contact.)
To be clear, I’m not saying you SHOULD do the above, just that you perhaps need to think carefully about your future self.” HRHArgyll
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. At. All.
There’s nothing wrong with taking some time off to recover from the betrayal (from uncle) and attacks (from siblings), and also to figure out what kind of boundaries you want with each of them. You don’t have to cut them off forever, and you don’t have to talk to them tomorrow.
I would send a quick text or mail to uncle, saying how much his betrayal has hurt you, that you need time to recover from this and that if and when you’re ready to talk to him again, you’ll reach out. Then take the time to figure this out.
If I were you, I would get some help to detangle all of this (therapy) and to help me figure out what boundaries I want and how to enforce them.
To all the people who said about the uncle “He had good intentions”, I’ll respond with “The way to the underground is paved with good intentions”.
OP was very clear with the uncle about why he didn’t want to share the news. If uncle thought that was wrong, he could have talked with OP. Instead, he chooses to violate OP’s trust. Steamrolling someone else’s boundaries is not caring, and is not well-intentioned. Does it mean OP should cut off uncle (and the rest of the family forever)?
No. But past good deeds don’t mean OP has to forgive and forget either. And cutting contact for a while might teach the uncle there will be consequences if there are future breaches of trust again.” LazyOpia
Another User Comments:
“I think what’s being overlooked in the discussion of his ‘good intentions’ and ‘peace keeping’ is how incredibly damaging his behavior has been.
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He passed information to your abusive parents that allowed one of them to show up, insult your wife, and mar an important day in your life. That’s on him. He never apologized for it, because he lied about being responsible.
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He let you believe that one of your siblings was responsible, fostering suspicion and distrust among a group of survivors who should be able to lean on each other for support.
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He protected his own butt when you were so hurt that you chose not to share information with your siblings because your distrust of them continued. He let you believe that you needed to protect yourself from even more of your family, knowing that you don’t have much, out of self-interest.
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He turned around and told them anyway – and WHAT did he say, if they’re so angry at you? – AND he went and told your abusive parents again! Who the heck knows what they’re going to do with the information?!
I’m sorry, none of this can be excused with good intentions.
These were deliberate actions and a deliberate covering up of those actions that left you feeling isolated and unable to trust your family, all while he continued to act like he was the one you could trust. That’s awful. You’re NTJ if you opt not to keep engaging with this person.
Maybe you can reconsider it AFTER you work on figuring out what he said to your siblings and repairing the damage he’s done to your relationship with them. And you really don’t even have to do that.” Chrystory
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – You are being unreasonable in expecting family not to talk to each other on your orders.
You can’t control his conversations with his other nieces or nephews or brother/brother-in-law. It was also unreasonable to tell your siblings not to mention your wedding to your parents. It was setting them up for an argument if your parents ever heard these facts and found out that they weren’t informed. You can decide you don’t want to inform them of things and you don’t want to invite them but trying to set rules over what other people say is daft. It’s not as if a wedding or baby can remain big secrets.
If you put impossible expectations on people then you are setting yourself up for disappointment and you will never get on with anyone.” PuzzleheadedUnit1
Another User Comments:
“ESH – Your uncle for obvious reasons. He strikes me as the type who means well but goes about it in the wrongest way possible.
You went over the top, though. Cutting ties over this seems a bit too much and I think you’re starting to realize that. Have a heart-to-heart with him about boundaries. And don’t involve him in things you want to be kept private anymore.” FeedThePug
11. AITJ For Not Wanting High Schoolers To Attend An Event Unattended?
“I’m a mentor for high school students and they are invited to our college campus every week for a workshop where we talk about growing up, mental health, etc. Recently, they have taken to just chilling in whatever location we have booked after sessions – this is usually fine since I and some other mentors can stay behind to ‘chaperone’ them until they leave.
Though we have a range of students, the ones who usually stay behind are a group of girls who are high school seniors (17-19).
At the end of last session, the girls were invited to an event following our workshop by a guest speaker (who was also a college student) and they were really excited about going.
I wasn’t quite sure what the event was going to be like but I thought it would be okay since I didn’t have anything after the session, so I could stick around for a while and keep an eye on them. However, we were specifically told that the event was exclusive to a specific ethnic community and about half of the mentors had already left; those of us who had stuck around were of the wrong race.
I was pretty anxious about letting the girls stay behind without a mentor. The guest speaker who had invited them said she would look after them, but they’d only known her for like an hour and I’d only met her that day.
We tried to convince them not to stay at the event, but they were pretty stubborn (as teens are with a college social event laid bare before them) and, though I offered to at least stick around in the building, the general atmosphere from the other mentors was to leave them to their own devices.
The other mentors then left, but I slipped out of the group and stayed behind until (to my relief) I saw one of the mentors who had left early (prior to the whole debacle) come back and was able to confirm that he could go to the event.
I have had past experiences being young and reckless, making bad decisions that ended catastrophically and caused a lot of lasting pain for myself, so I was kind of shaken by the whole thing and made sure to bring it up at the next meeting.
There was a lot of talk about ‘not limiting agency’ and ‘letting them have a taste of college’ etc. but like… excluding the one 19-year-old, the other girls were underage and it’s our responsibility to be available to them. Luckily this event ended up not being a major event and the one mentor was able to be there but I only knew that afterward.
Some of the other mentors were saying things like, ‘We were only two doors/one block over, so it was fine,’ but in my experience, things can go south very quickly even when your friends are in the next room, so what use is it being in the next building?
At this point, the situation has been somewhat resolved and we’ve now set up a protocol for after-session lurking, but I still feel uncertain as to whether I was overreacting or whether my worries were founded. I’m also a little older than the other mentors (I’m a postgrad) so am thinking maybe I’m babying the mentees too much.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. They were invited. They were being chaperoned. They were asked to partake in an event that could enrich their experience, not a frat party. Ease up. Trust them to make the right decisions, too, and if they don’t make it a learning experience for next time–isn’t that what becoming an adult is all about?” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“No one’s a jerk – if you didn’t know what kind of event it was and you are responsible for them, I can understand not wanting to leave them unattended. I don’t understand why you didn’t just stay with them.
Just say, ‘Hey these girls I’m responsible for really want to attend, do you mind if I crash to keep an eye on them.’ I bet it would have worked out.” marheena
Another User Comments:
“No one’s a jerk. The girls were going to an event that they’d been invited to.
And you were trying to be responsible and look out for them. I don’t think either of you did anything wrong.” maryolivia2000
10. AITJ For Wanting To Walk Myself Down The Aisle?
“I am getting married this summer. My father will not be present at the wedding. I have been getting asked by friends, family, and the people at the church, who will be walking me down the aisle.
I’ve been answering that I want to walk by myself, and the only person who hasn’t responded by telling me that is a preposterous idea is the pastor. Huh.
I have two brothers, neither of whom I feel like I have at all a close enough relationship with to even link arms with casually.
My mother keeps telling people they will be walking me down the aisle. While my brothers are less afraid of the cooties than I seem to be, they do not feel inclined to do the aisle walk – both have other duties during the ceremony already and agree that I should walk by myself if that is what I want.
Because of years of conflict before my father left the picture, I do not feel that I could stand to be walked by my mother, either.
My fiancé has been asking me for a few months to consider having his father walk me down the aisle.
I have no relationship with his father. We get along well and have had decent enough conversations, but the only times I’ve called his father were when I took him to the ER for various things and needed to let his parents know. He keeps asking me to have his father walk me, and I’ve told him politely that I am not at all comfortable with that.
He keeps pressing, and I’ve started to say that it is a definite no, and I will give it no further thought. He says it is just a suggestion – it is, but with tons of pressure, just like my mother is “suggesting” that my brothers walk me down the aisle (telling anyone who asks that that is what is happening).
There has been a lot of conflict in my family for the past decade and a half (yay addiction, mistreatment, and the like) and it has ruined a lot of relationships between myself and various family members. While I am cordial and able to be around everybody still in the picture with no problem, I don’t feel that I can trust any of them or get “close”.
I don’t feel like my family has any business “giving me away”, as tradition dictates. My fiancé is very tradition-oriented, which is actually wonderful for the rest of the wedding planning, but also insists that I be “given away”, even if it’s by his own family.
I don’t want to walk with anyone, link arms with anyone, or be given away by anyone. I feel a major pull to be independent and take control of myself with this. I know “my wedding, my decision”, but it is my fiancé’s wedding too and his input is important and valuable for it.
AITJ if, knowing how my fiancé and family feel, insist on walking down the aisle by myself?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
‘I know “my wedding, my decision”, but it is my fiancé’s wedding too and his input is important and valuable for it.’
His input is important and valuable. For the parts of the wedding that are “his parts” (like his choice of suit and shoes) and “our parts” (like the venue, menu, decorations, and first dance song).
However who walks you down the aisle is strictly a “you part” of the wedding, same as your dress, your shoes, and how you style your hair because it’s a part of the ceremony that only you are participating in.
Heck, you could choose to not walk down the aisle at all if you wanted to and enter from the front like the groom does. It’s your aisle walk so do what feels right to you.
Also, watch out for people getting up in arms with unwanted opinions over the father-daughter portion of the reception.
I could see this exact same issue popping up with the same people pressuring you now.” kt-bug17
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Girl, walk yourself down the aisle. I will be doing that. (Although, my wedding will be a Byzantine Catholic ceremony so both the bride and groom are walked down the aisle by the priest – brides in this type of ceremony sometimes have their fathers walk them to the Narthex of the church and do the handoff there.) I think this is an absurd relic of the days when women were considered property and “ownership” of the bride went from the father to the husband.
I would like to add here that while I personally think it’s an absurd tradition due to its history, I don’t judge any bride who wants to continue this tradition for whatever reason she has. “You do you, boo.”
To the OP, you are NTJ here.
You’re not the only bride who will be walking to her future husband on her own, independent, because she chooses to do so freely and of her own volition. Stand firm. I am here, behind you in your decision all the way!” hdmx539
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are the bride, you of all people have to be happy and comfortable at your own wedding! And even wedding traditions are just that, traditions. For example, you say, ‘I don’t feel like my family has any business giving me away’ and indeed the whole ‘giving away’ thing is just one tradition, and really a rather misogynistic one: it portrays the bride as, essentially, a piece of property being passed from one man (father) to another (groom/husband).
However, it’s not by far the only tradition when it comes to weddings.
In Sweden, for instance, the bride and groom walk down the aisle together, side by side. So nobody is “given away”, instead, bride and groom together walk in, side by side, as equals – which I think starts the entire marriage off a whole lot better as a marriage of equals, rather than making you, the bride/wife, seemingly subservient to your groom/husband.
You could even present that as a compromise of sorts: that way you don’t walk down the aisle alone, and you are in fact being walked down the aisle by the man with whom you have the closest relationship. And it is definitely traditional – just from a different tradition.
I must wonder though… since it seems almost more important to him that you be “traditionally given away” than that you, his bride, are comfortable with the ceremony – a ceremony which, after all, is supposed to be the starting point of a life-long commitment to your relationship; and not just commitment by you to him, but also by him to you – if your fiancé is that strongly set on you being “given away” and “given to him”, does he really see you as an equal partner in your marriage?” ObjectInMirror
9. AITJ For Still Talking To My Half-Sisters?
“My mother has been blaming me for failing to communicate about my half sister and failing to discuss with her and my sister what is going to happen before I do anything.
They both feel hurt because of the situation for different reasons.
My sister fears she will be left behind and, considering our bad relationship, I will just disappear into the night. I have no way to verify what my mother tells me about my sister and considering how she has been treating me since the wedding, I don’t care all that much.
Last February, she called me to tell me that she no longer wants to talk to me and that I am no longer her brother. So be it.
My mother has become (in my opinion) vile and toxic over the last year. The reason I am posting here today is following a phone conversation with her today.
3 weeks ago, the day after I had lunch with my half-sisters, my mother swung by our house. My oldest told her that I had supper with my sisters. My mother was confused and once she understood she became red with anger to the point I had to kick her out and spend some time with my oldest to make her understand she did nothing wrong.
My mother today called me telling me I am inconsiderate of entertaining a relationship with my half-sister (she still believes there is only one) and having supper with her without considering the negative impact it will have on my mother and sister. That, when my actions have a negative impact on my family, I should consider changing my behavior to accommodate their sensibilities (Again, her words).
My POV, these are my half-sisters, they are a good thing that happened to me considering that I have been without b***d family for the last decade. I have a good relationship with my sister, we share a lot and are very open with each other.
It is just like we have always known each other and makes me very happy to have them in my life. But they are my half-sister on my father’s side, they are unrelated to my mother and sister and are their own family bubble for me.
It has nothing to do with my mother and she shouldn’t have a say in that relationship. I have absolutely no intention of changing who I am to please my mother and her needs to control that relationship. While I understand it might upset her, going into a frenzy every time is not helping to discuss these issues.
She has been on my case for this for months and I am now considering just cutting her off. She has been a tremendous weight on my mental health and well-being and I don’t want that anymore. If I have to change how I act, who I see and how I behave to please her, I prefer not to please her.
When I told her that, it didn’t go very well and she told me I was very inconsiderate of family.
So AITJ? Am I the jerk for refusing to see my mother’s point of view and change my behavior to accommodate her and my sister or am I NTJ for sticking to my guns?”
Another User Comments:
“Sounds like your half-sisters are more like your family. I understand why your sister and mother are upset, but disowning you over being a decent person to your half-sisters? Unless your half-sisters are doing something that is hurtful to your mum and sister, you’re absolutely NTJ.” soybeaan
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You are just spending time with your half-sisters. It doesn’t affect your mom or your other family members in any way (unless you are talking crap about them or doing something malicious).” Unearthed_Soul
8. AITJ For Not Wanting To Accommodate My Mother's Dog?
“I live with my mom and we have 3 dogs, (all dogs have always lived in her house) one is “hers” I suppose as he bonded with her, the other is more mutual, and then the other is mine.
My dog is a small toy poodle and is going on 16 years old and has struggled with arthritis for many years. As of maybe a month ago, she stopped being able to walk on her own so I walk her myself and set a schedule for her to be fed/drink water/walk and can see when she is trying to get up.
We thought she was gonna die soon naturally but she has actually… improved since I have been helping her back to her full healthy self (other than not being able to walk on her own). I have been keeping her on the couch next to me when I study so I can see whenever she props up and needs me which my mom is fine with, all the dogs are allowed anywhere they want.
HER dog, a little crap, chihuahua basically is always on the couch (is a huge L shape couch and is at the very end). Recently he has begun peeing on my dog when she’s on the couch (he used to do this years ago but stopped a long time ago) and a lot of the time it gets on the couch (he has been doing it for the past 4 days in a row now).
SOMETIMES it is JUST the couch and my dog isn’t even there but I guess her smell is, but sometimes it’s in a different area than usual. My mom keeps getting mad at me and telling me I need to remove everything from the couch whenever I leave the room for any reason (her little blanket bed I usually leave there).
I also have my studying materials/books laptop etc there because I’m studying (everything is put away when I leave for a while) but it has been really annoying to have to remove everything whenever I need to go to the bathroom, get a drink in the kitchen, etc.
So I refused to do it because it’s ridiculous but I also feel bad because “her house her rules” but when I told her I feel like I shouldn’t have to do it just because her dog thinks he can pee on everything that’s on the couch and it isn’t my fault.
Her reasoning is “He lives here so you need to accommodate him.”
He has peed even when nothing was there (only once) but usually, it’s if her bed/my stuff is there. I am getting fed up because she doesn’t assert any type of authority towards him or thinks he’s done anything wrong and says he can’t help it.
I have to wash my dog and her stuff/my stuff every time he does it while getting yelled at if it got on the couch itself. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Except for the dogs. Here’s my take… Something has changed that has caused the chihuahua to freak out and start peeing.
It could be something in the poodle’s body chemistry (like a medication) or maybe the chihuahua is jealous that she doesn’t get carried everywhere like the poodle. Either way, something is wrong and until it’s figured out, these two need to be kept separate. Stop fighting with your mom and start figuring out a system where the dogs don’t smell each other.” bellyscritches
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, sounds like the Chihuahua is having dominance issues.
What the heck, your Mom thinks it’s okay for her dog to pee on another member of the household and that the other members should accommodate that disgusting behavior?
I’m sorry that she doesn’t want to set appropriate boundaries and train her animal to be completely house-broken.
I hope your studies go well so you can move into your own place soon.” MxBunnificent
Another User Comments:
“I’ll be a little nicer but yes YTJ. Unfortunately, unless you own the home, you have no say in the rules. Your things shouldn’t be left out everywhere anyway, especially if the dog is peeing everywhere.
What happens if he pees on your laptop?” Art3mis77
Another User Comments:
“Buy a crate, put the annoying peeing dog in the crate when you need to get up for a short time, and then clean up all your stuff when you will be done for an extended period of time.
Alternatively, just study in a different area that has a door. That way you can just shut the door on the peeing dog.” SC_Hokie_Girl
7. AITJ For Not Being Able To Afford My Sister's Bridal Party Events?
“So, some background. I got married last year.
My husband is a teacher and I am a college student, so we’re pretty strapped for cash, so we decided to wait to take our honeymoon this summer because we were married at the beginning of the school year. A lot of drama happened at my wedding and in the lead-up with my younger sister that I won’t get into because it doesn’t really affect the situation except one of those things that annoyed me was her getting engaged at our joint bachelor/bachelorette party, was not engaged at all with anything having to do with my wedding (she didn’t want to go to the co-lorette party because it was cheap, family-friendly, and did not involve booze).
Fast forward to now. I’m set to be one of her 10 bridesmaids (though I’m certain it was because she was pressured, as she had told me right after I got engaged that I wouldn’t be in her wedding party). She picked out a $200 bridesmaid dress.
Also, it was the worst dress appointment I have ever had. They ignored us for close to half an hour after we had checked in (there wasn’t anyone else there). Then they kept making comments about my weight and how “large” I am (I’m a size 6/8).
They were trying to get me to order a size 16 and got angry when I told them no. They also wrote down the wrong size on the receipt that they sent me for the dress and refused for most of the phone call to issue me a new receipt with the correct size.
They don’t do exchanges.
I also was informed about what the bachelorette party is going to be like. She asked her friends who have money what they could afford instead of her family members, all of which don’t have the money and are college students.
She is now angry because we’re not going to be able to go to her destination bachelorette party. A couple would go, but if they go for one day they then have to pay for all of the days they have planned. We also do not feel comfortable that she is trying to force the related minor in the group to get a fake ID so she can drink.
She is also planning on making us pay for multiple new, matching outfits for this weekend on top of the expensive clubs and restaurants she is planning on.
She also planned her bridal shower to happen when my husband and I are gone to Japan, We have had our tickets purchased for over a month before she decided on this date.
She is now angry that I will not be going to the shower, either.
She has had multiple people in the family tell her that she needs to keep in mind that we cannot afford to help her with this wedding. The three bridesmaids who are related to her have told her that they’ll be in the party but that they can’t do all of the expensive things she wants us to do.
I’m sad for my sister that her family is having to take the back burner on a lot of her wedding, but she is planning this wedding with her friend’s budgets in mind, and that seems to tell me who she would prefer to have in the wedding in the first place.
Are we the jerks?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I can understand that it is your sister’s wedding and she wants to do things her way. However, she needs to understand that wanting an expensive wedding and all the extras means that some people just can’t make it work.
She doesn’t have an obligation to make sure family CAN participate, but she has no ground to stand on in regard to getting mad that you guys can’t be as involved as she expects.
I’m sorry for your sister too; my family is important to me and I would want them involved so I’d try to work things around for them.
If that’s not her priority though, that’s just how it is for her.
You aren’t the jerk. I hope you enjoy your trip to Japan and that things go smoothly moving forward.” LuckyS18
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I had a friend who is still holding a grudge that I didn’t attend their bachelorette party that would have run me about $1000 for the weekend (they planned it to be expensive as they and the others attending all had SOs who make decent money while I was a single woman on a tight income)….
she never could get why I couldn’t come up with the funds and it’s remained a sticking point. Your sister can plan whatever she wants, but she has to be prepared that it will mean not everyone can participate. Don’t go broke trying to keep up with the Joneses.” proteamom
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s welcome to want that, but also has to understand that she’s not entitled to expect others to spend that much on her wedding.
It could be pointed out that she might enjoy having a smaller party of her college friends for her bachelorette thing, rather than family members she’s not so relaxed around and one she has to sort out a fake ID for.
This way it can be just her and her besties going out and partying as they want to.” Reddit user
6. WIBTJ If I Cut Contact With Unsupportive Family?
“I’ve (19 M) come out as transgender to my parents (50M and 49F) 2.5 years ago, they didn’t accept it, and the situation hasn’t changed a bit since even without talking about medical transition.
They keep misgendering and deadnaming me, except my father, who uses the correct gender for mocking me when we are angry at each other. I’ve tried many times to talk about it but they don’t want to see that my happiness depends on my transition.
Two months after coming out I got diagnosed with a visual impairment that makes you progressively lose sight. Nothing mattered anymore, so I didn’t speak about being trans for around 6 months. And they took it like more proof that I’m not really trans.
My father, who owns a successful company regularly gives a lot of money to scientists who research my disease and is very involved in the only association.
He was really supportive and, once I was diagnosed, never has been ableist.
I’ve moved out for my studies and it’s been such a long time since I have been so happy. Here, everybody (my classmates and my teachers) knows and acknowledges that I’m a boy and respects me.
That also makes me realize that the less I see my parents, the more I am happy, and I deserve to be happy. I’m tired of making effort and repressing myself for their comfort. They haven’t even looked at all the resources or brochures I give them, pretexting that I should explain it myself and then never letting me finish the explanation.
So I want to cut ties. But I feel really guilty about thinking of doing that. They aren’t violently transphobic parents they’re just… the passive-aggressive ways of being transphobic. But my father has done many things for me, giving me 37,000$ on an account for a big project in my life (I don’t live in the USA, my studies are free so it’s not for that), is extremely supportive of my disability, lets me do my studies even if I won’t be able to work in the job field I’m training for forever (because I’m going blind and it’s not compatible), pays my apartment, regularly says how much he loves me and my brother, finances things that will help the research on my disease… etc.
So perhaps I won’t stay away from them forever or I shouldn’t cut ties but I don’t see how I can make them understand that I’m serious. With my disability, I can’t take HRT right now because many tests are needed before I know if it’s safe so I can’t take it and hope that it will convince them.
They don’t let me talk and if I get angry at them, I’m hysterical and if I insist, my father gets angry and breaks things to prove he’s very angry. (When I was younger, I also broke things to be listened to by him, but I read that it is horrible behavior and I want to be a good person, so I stopped, I just go away when he does that).
And also, I’m just tired of trying.
WIBTJ for cutting ties with my family that has been very loving and caring except on my trans identity and for keeping their $37,000 if I do so (I mean, they gave it to me)?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You should regard the funds as “damages”, payment for the emotional mistreatment. At the same time I think that you are entitled to support in regards to your eye disease in the meantime and as long as your dysphoria doesn’t cripple you too much, you can just stay in touch with your parents for as long as you need and not a second longer.” Jaol65
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Their lack of support is a form of mistreatment. They gave you that money, it’s yours. Go live your life, that’s how you prove to them that you didn’t choose this.” keyboardbill
5. AITJ For Blaming My Depressed Friend?
“One of my best friends, Diane, and I are both single so we decided to do a “friends valentines” this year.
We planned it out weeks in advance, bought each other gifts, made plans for a whole day of activities together, and even confirmed in person the day before.
Then she doesn’t show up. We’re supposed to meet at noon, and an hour past I text her again asking her where she is.
I notice she’s been active on social media and Messenger. Hours pass and I’m very upset and hurt, spending the whole day waiting for her and wondering why she would stand me up. By the fifth hour, I get the sense that something must be really wrong so I text her again asking if she’s okay.
Six hours later, she finally responds, crying about something unrelated involving her sister. She tells me that she woke up at 5:30 PM and she doesn’t address that she stood me up or even that we had plans. I bring it up and ask for an explanation, but she just responds “I just want to be alone, okay?” To which I reply, “you owe me an explanation at least. You’re being such a crappy person.
You completely stood me up today, and you didn’t even apologize. I deserve to be treated better.”
She only apologizes after realizing how upset I am. When I bring up that she was active all day, she tries to hide it at first, but then admits that she lied about being asleep until 5:30, but that the real reason was she was depressed today and didn’t want to hang out, and was worried I would be annoyed with her for canceling.
I tell her I’d never be upset with her for needing to cancel because of depression since I myself have done this, and that I’m only upset because she ghosted me and made me wait for her all day. She apologizes again, saying she’s behaved like this in the past and feels very bad about it, and says she completely understands how crappy it was to stand me up and that she won’t do it again.
All is forgiven… EXCEPT, my other best friend, Sam, who I was talking to about it, is absolutely furious at me for holding her accountable. He thinks I should’ve never been upset with her because it wasn’t her fault for standing me up and ghosting me: “it was the depression’s fault.” I heavily empathize, but I still don’t think that excuses hurting your friends.
To clarify, Diane has a therapist but isn’t diagnosed as depressed and it has never interfered with her work. Both Diane and I disagreed with him on this initially but now it’s causing a serious tension between me and Sam and I wonder, given her depression, AITJ for holding Diane accountable for standing me up?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I’ve got some pretty nasty depression and have had days where I’ve laid in bed unable to move even to get up to eat. Sometimes there are dark days that make you do irrational crap.
The thing is, even if you’re not responsible for your actions at the moment, you’re responsible for how you handle them afterward.
It was crappy of her to have ghosted you. It’s crappy behavior to leave someone on the hook. She should be told that was crappy and it hurt you.
Thing is, she apologized and acknowledged it was wrong. True it was only after you pushed, but that’s learning to cope and be better about how we act out when mental illness is hitting hard.
If you’re happy with the apology and are confident she’s going to respect your time, then that’s what matters.
Sam is being a massive jerk if he’s inserting himself into this, especially if your friend already told him she disagrees with him. He’s speaking over the person he’s attempting to defend and frankly suggesting that if someone is depressed you must accept without question every single maladaptive habit they have.
No.
A cold might make me sneeze when I don’t want to, I can’t help that, but I can keep from sneezing on another person.” Imreallyjustconfused
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Depression can be crippling but it doesn’t preclude you from being a respectful friend.
The depression made her want to isolate herself, and her anxiety made her lie about it. What made her the jerk was that she didn’t apologize and got defensive. But then she apologized.
Your friend thinks she should be let off the hook for any and all the behaviors she exhibits.
She is still a human being with thoughts, feelings, and attitudes independent of her depression, and he’s making it seem like she can be nothing other than a representation of her mental health.” scusername
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have those days when I’m down deep into my own depression, and I have flaked out on my friends a couple of times in the past, but I always text them before the time we were supposed to meet.
You’re a sweet friend for standing up for her in spite of being so hurt and angry about her no-showing, which is also totally valid. It was crappy for her to stand you up without apology or explanation as close to the time you were supposed to meet as possible.” jayne_snow
Another User Comments:
“Mild YTJ here because you went straight into the attacks and judgments (“you’re being such a crappy person”) without first getting their side of the story.
You’re right to be angry – what happened to you sucks – It would’ve been better if you used I statements to express your feelings without attacking her e.g “when you stood me up I felt angry and rejected and given our friendship I feel I deserve an explanation.”
And I’m going to get disagreed with for this but her depression excuses her behavior. Depression really does a number on your thoughts and convinces you that your imagined reality is real.” justatog
Another User Comments:
“Gentle YTJ. Only for “you’re being such a crappy person.” Communicating you’re hurt and expectations in a constructive manner is good, and while her depression may contribute to what happened, Sam using it as an excuse for her isn’t constructive either.
Communication and support are the best way to improve both her health and your friendship.” beastly_guy
4. AITJ For Letting A Friendship Fizzle Out?
“My (21F) best friend (24F) and I have been friends for 7 years now.
We shared everything. I was at her place at least once a week. Her parents saw me as their own. I went along with family vacations and to birthdays from aunts, uncles, etc.
My best friend was hearing impaired until she was 4 years old. She didn’t hear anything and because of that, her mental growth stuttered. She got surgery and could hear afterward.
Because of this she can’t do math, can’t read the time, and was very insecure. I helped her through this, taught her how to read the clock, and helped her check out at stores so that she could do it herself. She was afraid to use public transport by herself so whenever she had to go somewhere I went with her to teach her how the trains and buses worked.
Fast forward a few years…
I have been growing up as everyone does. Getting my degree, getting my driver’s license, moving out, getting a job, etc. But my best friend quit school when she was 18 and has been sitting at home ever since. She started getting her driver’s license but quit because her mom would drive her anyway.
She tried to get a job but quit after 2 weeks because she didn’t like it. She’s on government support because she’s convinced the authorities that she’s heavily autistic. (She’s not even autistic at all, she’s just a good actress. She bragged to me about how she tricked them all.) And her parents pay for everything she needs or wants.
We’ve been seeing each other much less lately because well I’m busy building a life for myself. We got in a fight a few months ago (texting) because she was telling me something about kingdom hearts and I told her, “Sorry I don’t really know anything about it.
I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
She told me I always put her down and I could just listen. After this everything changed. She always found a way to be mad at me even when we hadn’t spoken or seen each other. This really irritated me and I told her that as well.
My friend got depression. I told her it’s because she’s been sitting at home every day for the past 5 years and that she’s gotta find work or be a volunteer or something. But she doesn’t listen. We had long talks but it feels like she’s using the depression for attention.
I just started nursing school and it’s been really tough. I noticed she didn’t respond to my tags on social media like she used to and messaged her asking how she was doing and if something was wrong. She told me yes I’m fine and I’m not mad, just disappointed in you.
I asked her why but she never responded. It’s been 3 weeks now.
Am I the jerk for just letting this friendship bleed out from now on?
She just doesn’t understand that I don’t have as much time as I used to have when I was in high school and feels left out.
She doesn’t have any other friends besides me. But then again, I don’t have any other friends besides her. But she’s really weighing me down emotionally.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You’re at the age where lives change, people move and go into different paths. Sometimes friendships outlast these turns, sometimes they don’t.
It’s natural for people to grow apart.
It sounds like you’ve tried to reach out a few times, but there’s only so much you can do. It’s also important that she learns to build her own network outside of you and not be dependent on one friend.
Vice versa, I think you also need to find other friends that aren’t people you have to take care of. I think your friend learned from a young age to get used to being taken care of by other people and it made her complacent.
She has to learn by herself to get out of her rut.” glassfury
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is going to sound harsh, but it sounds as if she’s lazy and just given up, and this is before the depression. She’s literally just, given up on everything or opportunity because it’ll be done or taken care of for her anyways and on top of that, she’s scamming the government and proud of it.
She’s the kind of person faking it, that makes actual people with disabilities scared of being called fakers or makes it just that much harder to get help because of people like your friend.
Listen honey, you’ve tried, but you can’t be her only lifeline.
Her parents have failed her because they aren’t making her do anything. They aren’t encouraging her to do anything, they are letting her sit at home and play video games and be depressed. That’s on them. You are as far from being the jerk as can be.
At some point, you have to focus on you and your life.” littleredteacupwolf
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not about the friendship anyway. Your friend is hurt because you’ve moved on and she hasn’t. You feel guilty because you’ve tried but you’ve moved on. The thing is you’re at a place in life where friendships and social groups change a lot.
It’s not wrong if you don’t want to bother trying anymore with her. And it may be a good thing for her in fact. Her parents are enabling her to stay dependent and lazy. But she’s at an age where she’s going to want to have friends, to go out, maybe find a romantic partner, but that’s not going to happen while sitting at home pretending to be autistic (which, by the way, holy crap… it’s fraud for her to pretend to be autistic to get government services and she may end up in a lot of trouble down the road if/when they find out.
It’s not like she can pretend to “get better” from autism. She’s definitely being a jerk in that regard.) And you need to find your own tribe–you’re in nursing school, see if any of the other students want to get together to study. Maybe when your old friend gets out in the world you can reconnect.” Pencils_
Another User Comments:
“ESH, normally I’d say no one’s a jerk because she sounds depressed, but as you said she’s a good actress. If this is all true, then don’t slowly let it bleed out.
Be the bigger person that you are and tell her she’s annoying you and ticking you off with her nonchalant behavior.
You’re only stooping to her toxic levels if you let the friendship die out.
If she wants to throw away the friendship that’s on her, but you’ve had to have stayed all these years for something. If you truly want this to die out, then tell her you don’t want to be around her.
Don’t friend-ghost her. She’s toxic and self-absorbed, but don’t let that discourage you from telling her rather than bleeding it out.” ChiquitaBananaKush
3. AITJ For Hiding The PlayStation Away From My Sibling?
“We were given the PS4 for Christmas years ago. My sister has zero interest in gaming, so she never played it. I on the other hand love gaming.
I was the one who bought all the games and considered the console to be mine. And it pretty much is.
One day I decided to surprise her and buy the Sims 4 for the PS after she had expressed interest. When I gifted it to her, she was really happy and started playing it a lot.
I was relieved and excited that she could now play too.
The problem is that my sister (who’s 17 by the way) isn’t good at looking after her stuff, let alone other people’s. She’s spoiled (although she denies it), and has no concept of money either.
A good example of this is when she was complaining about getting $200 in gift cards, saying it was a crappy gift because she can’t spend it anywhere. When we told her she was being ungrateful, she says that because she isn’t a starving African child, she has the right to complain.
Yikes.
One day she asks if she can play it in her room, and I say yes. After a couple of days, I go in to retrieve it and am horrified by the state of her room. She has dog vomit on the floor that hasn’t been cleaned for like a month, and a cup of what looked like vomit with an array of molds growing on it (That image is burned into my brain).
Now my sister is on the spectrum and has never been hygienic so this isn’t exactly new, but I didn’t want her playing with it in her room anymore. I tell her she has to play it out in the lounge if she wants to play.
And she does.
At this point, I realize that gifting her the game was a mistake. She’s previously spilled liquid on her TV and has broken her headset in two. She’s shown she can’t look after electronics, and now I’ve given her the incentive to play with something expensive that I care about a lot.
A few days later I come home to see my sister had used my drawing tablet as a placemat for her dirty dishes. She’s done this multiple times with my laptop too. This was the final straw and I lose it. Although she hadn’t done anything to the PS, I take this as confirmation that she can’t look after it.
I take the PlayStation and hide it. I tell her she’s never playing it again. After a fight, she ends up apologizing which is rare. I appreciated her apology but I wasn’t going to give it back.
We just had a screaming match today with her asking for it back, and I refused. I explained that I couldn’t trust her with it.
She had a meltdown saying she owned it too, and that I couldn’t do this. I told her I owned all the games and that I was the only one who played it until now, so I had the rights to it. She threw the fact I bought her the Sims 4 in my face, saying she owned that game so she had the rights to it too.
I really hate the Sims.
I feel really crappy. She’s not used to not getting her way and I can see why she thinks it’s unfair, but that doesn’t change the fact I can’t trust her with it. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Buying games for PS4 and buying an actual PS4 are 2 very different things, just because you bought games and played it doesn’t give you the right to own it, it was bought for both of you to enjoy.
Also buying a gift for someone and then taking it away? Who the heck does that?
She is a jerk for the things she has done in the past but you can’t really call her a jerk for “potentially” breaking a PS4. I’m sure you have messed up in life sometimes but you don’t have a label taped on your forehead to remind people of what you are.
But you sure did it to her and “punished” her for something she didn’t even do.
People make mistakes and it is obvious that both of you have made some, you should have talked to her about it and told her that she needs to get cleaner because you both live in the same house and SHARE the same ps4.
I repeat you can not take it away from her when you literally received it as a gift from both of your parents. How would you feel if your parents took the ps4 and told you that you are addicted to games? (just an example) You would feel scammed too because it was gifted to you, now imagine how she feels because you took the ps4 from her.
At least in the parent situation, the one who bought it took it but you didn’t buy the ps4, if you wanted to take away the games that’s perfectly fine but the gift, nah, that’s hers.
Not even that she apologized!
What else do you want her to do?
She admitted the mistakes she has done, owned up to it, and still said sorry and you appreciate it? Who the heck are you to be the god in this situation to have the right to take everything?
Also, the stuff you pointed out of what she has done, I mean I agree it’s bad behavior but it has absolutely nothing to do with the PS4 situation and it seems like you just said that because you are really mad at her and you wanted to make her look dumb.
It’s your sister, stop treating her like a buddy and start treating her like family if you even know what that word is supposed to mean.
I think the best option is to talk with her and maybe not fight?
I know sibling fights can get you really ticked off but when you start losing them you will really regret the times and trust me I’ve been there.
I know what it feels like (not talking about death, talking about when they move out and you rarely see each other).
Best of luck OP!” Matejacar02
Another User Comments:
“ESH: she obviously won’t treat it right but it is also hers to use. Maybe save up for a PS5 and leave the 4 in communal living spaces.
She might just lose interest. But, your parents need to learn how to keep their kid functional because what you described is not only unhealthy but almost dangerous to let just hang out in her living spaces.” Majestic-Koral
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I get wanting to protect the PlayStation.
However, telling her she can never play it again when it technically belongs to both of you isn’t right. Maybe you should talk to your parents about establishing some ground rules for her playing so the tech stays safe, but she gets to use it.” stateofgrace17
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m guessing your parents have constantly given into her demands. She needs to realize that the world isn’t like that and she can’t just use other people’s things whenever she wants to.” aurora-dreamer-art
2. WIBTJ If I Ended My Contract?
“So I have been preparing for a j1 visa since last year.
Long story short, I found this one agency as a sponsor for living there and helping me find jobs. Then I paid the first $300 fee for the starter and later after I get a job I will have to pay the rest of the payment for my program and they will help me prepare the rest of the paperwork until I go to America.
I then chose some work openings from them.
Not far from then, I went on a family trip that lasted me for 3 weeks and I was not able to properly keep up with the paperwork. This is where my response became slower because of the time difference, and I did not always have internet available.
But so are the agency’s responses.
They appointed me for an interview that was impossible for me to do time-wise. They told me they will give me another opening but no news and keep on rescheduling that interview (I got it btw, after some troubles).
Because my trip is a group tour, it was not flexible. I was not able to make time for it, I would be too tired and mostly stayed a night only before changing hotels. For my second work choice, I had to fill out some kind of psychological assessment before the interview, but I was not able to access it and asked them for help.
They only told me it was because of the firewall and asked me to access it from other computers. I had asked my partner and also used my sister’s laptop and it was still not accessible.
So on my trip after the 2 weeks group tour finished, I extended 1 more week with a family member.
I told the agency that I had more ‘free time’ without telling them my real situation (hence the troubles). The first time they chose the interview on the same flight I went for holiday and the second reschedule it just had to be on my way back home!
My second choice job is just forgotten by them, actually, I was more interested in that position and they got better offer and payment.
In total, I only had 1 skype interview with the agency, and 1 for a work interview. And the rest is by email.
Meanwhile, my partner is using another agency, and is coached and contacted a lot by his agency and practiced before his interviews, while I only got pdf tips for it. I consulted with him and talked about how I envied him and that they really tried to suit his schedule (he was also busy, and had business trips).
My partner actually was going to use my agency, but they were not proactive AFTER he made his payment. So he terminated his contract and changed agencies. We started preparing for j1 about the same time (I even started earlier than him), I was also the one referred to this agency.
While I have not proceeded to the next step, do you think I will be the jerk if I were to terminate my contract with my current agency and move to my partner’s agency? I have asked him to ask his agency for me first before I decide to move.
And I know that I won’t get back 100% of my funds back and it will take a long time.”
Another User Comments:
“No one’s a jerk, you should do whatever you think will be the most successful for your situation. However, you need to really adjust your priorities if you want to make it work.” sgmalek89
Another User Comments:
“No one’s a jerk. Do whatever you want although your lack of communication with the agency is your fault.” MyLadyFromGuatanamo
1. AITJ For Not Attending My Sister's Wedding?
“Am I (28M) the jerk for not wanting to go to my sister’s (24F) wedding and ending a friendship with my best friend (29M)?
So here’s some backstory: My best friend and I have been friends since middle school. We were like brothers and we used to hang out every day. He’s a good guy but I recently found out he has been with my younger sister behind my back.
I didn’t know until now. It was only when my sister announced they were going to get married I knew what was going on. Apparently, they have been messing around for many years and engaged for 14 months without telling anyone.
Fast forward to today, and my sister announces she’s going to get married and the wedding is next week.
She invited her whole family to the wedding. I thought maybe she had been secretly seeing someone maybe that’s why she suddenly is going to get married. And maybe she hid it from me as she knew I would disapprove as I’m overprotective? My sister is the type of girl every guy wants (blonde hair, blue eyes and she’s very pretty).
A lot of guys hit on her and I’m afraid someone will use her or hurt her so that’s why I’m overprotective. But I guess she’s going to get married anyway so there’s nothing I can do other than congratulate her.
However, the next thing she said shocked me: Her fiance is my best friend.
Apparently, they started seeing each other in 2014 and got engaged around Christmas 2018. After hearing this, I felt betrayed and angry. I’m disappointed in both her and my best friend, especially my best friend. No one messes around with their best friend’s little sister. Nobody does crap like that.
To make matters even worse, they hid their relationship from me and my family for 6 years. I’m going to end the friendship with my best friend (a.k.a. future brother-in-law) for being a backstabbing piece of crap. I’m done with him.
Anyway, I told my sister that I won’t go to her wedding or want to have anything to do with her soon-to-be husband and she freaked out.
She wants me to walk her down the aisle and give her away (our father died three years ago and I’m her only sibling). But there is no way I’ll go to her wedding. I mean my best friend is going to be my brother-in-law?
It just feels too weird. So I told her to either walk down the aisle alone or find someone else to do the honor. Well, my sister started crying and begging me to come to her wedding. She says she wants my blessing. But she will never get it because I will never approve of her marriage.
We then talked with our mother and she said I’m being selfish. She also said that I should go to my sister’s wedding. But I said it’s my choice whether I’m going or not and no one can force me. However, my sister says I’m a horrible brother and that I hurt her feelings.
I know it’s her special day but I really don’t want to see her fiance again.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. They suck for keeping their relationship from you for so long. I understand why you are upset and hurt. They should have told you immediately when they started seeing each other instead of hiding this secret for years.
You are TJ for overreacting. You seem to be controlling. Your sister is a grown woman, not your property. You don’t get to decide whether she’s happy or not. And neither do you get to choose who she’s marrying. It’s none of your business.
If he’s your best friend, it means you already have approved of him, haven’t you?
You know your friend. If he’s your best friend, don’t you trust him? He must be a good guy because you are best friends! If he was a bad guy, you wouldn’t be friends with him. Don’t you want your sister to be with someone you can trust?
Would you rather want your sister to be with someone you don’t know?
Be happy for your sister. She has found a good guy she can spend her life with. Attend her wedding and walk her down the aisle. Be the best brother and friend you can be!” JackTheEuropeanGuy
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Sorry but love is love you don’t choose who you fall for, there are no rules on it being your best friend’s family, etc. It happens.
Given the length of time they have been going out and the seriousness of the relationship it’s quite clear they do love each other.
Yes, it sucks they hid it from you but given the reaction you are having that’s probably why they hid it in the first place, and I’m not surprised your sister is hurt.
You should be happy they are happy and there is absolutely no way this should end or ruin your relationship with either of them.
If he’s a good person like you say, that’s good enough to be your best friend and like family surely that’s the best sort of person for your sister? You know she’s in good hands because you know what he’s like.” Titchyhill
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They are for lying and going behind your back for all these years. How did nobody have any idea this was going on for so long? I say you’re NTJ cause they completely betrayed you by hiding this from you. Your best friend and your sister didn’t even have the common decency to stop and think about how you would feel when you found out they have been lying to you for so long, so easily.
Why did it ever have to even be a big deal that they wanted to see each other to begin with?
That’s the part I would be mad about. You should still attend the wedding though, but I think they should have the decency to push it out for a little bit to give everyone time to adjust to the news, cool off, and for everyone to try and work through their feelings about everything so there isn’t so much tension at the wedding if they still decide to go through with it when all is said and done.
I’m just curious as to why they ever felt like they had to lie about it in the first place? Is he an awful person or something? Once everything cools off give a little more thought to walking her down the aisle, cause you may end up regretting it later if you don’t.
Some things you don’t get to have a do-over with. I’m sorry I’m with you, I don’t see why they had to lie about it and cause all this turmoil between people.” jesslynn39
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and the way you talk about your sister is just plain creepy.
You can be a protective brother without being overbearing. The fact that they hid the relationship leads me to believe you fall into the overbearing overprotective type who thinks he has the right to dictate who his sister can be attracted to. It isn’t abnormal at all for friends of family members to meet and go out.
Heck, I used to go out with one of my brother’s friends. It didn’t work out, but it happened. Honestly, I don’t see why you feel having him as a brother-in-law is weird. He’s your best friend. You already have a good kinship with him.
If anything, I’d love it if my brother went out with a girl I could be close friends with. It strengthens the family dynamic. Your reaction to this just seems… out of proportion. Is there something you are leaving out here or perhaps don’t want to admit to yourself?
Really stop and take the time to dissect why you are so angry. What is really bothering you about this? Is your reaction justified or are you the TJ? I personally think you are.” Notsogoodadvicegiver
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It is a little crazy that they’ve been going out for so long and only now managed to get around to telling you.
But you don’t get to control who your sister sees or marries, and you don’t get to control who your best friend sees or marries either. At this point you have two choices:
- Be happy for your sister and best friend, go to their wedding and be supportive of both of them.
- Be angry that your best friend “betrayed” you (completely ignoring your sister’s own agency in this, heh). Cut your best friend out of your life, which will probably mean cutting your sister out too. Carry around this anger with you for the rest of your life.
The choice is ultimately up to you. Just keep in mind if you choose door number 2, you might not be able to undo that choice later. How much is your anger worth to you?” acmtsa
Your relationship with her ex has nothing to do with being sensible. Maybe she’s not thinking clearly because of the divorce trauma, but landing 5 hours before embarkation time in an airport that’s a 3-4 hour drive from the port is not going to end well. Cruise ships DO NOT WAIT.