People Ask Us To Critically Evaluate Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
22. AITJ For Calling Out My Homophobic Grandma's Hypocrisy?
“I (26 M) am in a gay relationship with my fiance. We’ve been together coming up on 3 years. I’m bi, and my fiance is the first man I’ve been with long-term, but he is not the only man I’ve been with.
My grandmother (72) is very deeply concerned with her public image – to the point that she is an entirely different person publicly than she is behind closed doors.
For example, she made a post on social media for my high school graduation that read ‘So proud of my grandson for making it through high school as a gay man’ – the same year she deliberately asked me not to bring my then-partner to family Christmas.
I’ve been dealing with this kind of behavior for over 10 years, and it’s turned into full-blown bigotry ever since my proposal to my fiance last year – I’m talking an escalation from casual, ‘I just don’t get it’ type of stuff to ‘Why can’t you just be normal’ and tears over my planning a wedding with a man.
This all finally came to a head at a vacation/family reunion last month when I refused to appear in anything but large group photos. I tried to play it casually but she caught on pretty quick and eventually asked why. I told her I just wasn’t comfortable with social media posts where I was the focus.
She asked why, and I admittedly responded harshly – I told her that anytime I let her single me out, she used me to seem like a kinder person than she actually was and that I was tired of being the way she could come off as accepting when she’d treated me poorly ever since I came out.
She then spent the next 2 days telling the rest of the family how I was rude to her and ungrateful for her support of my ‘lifestyle choices.’
I finally got sick of it when I heard her continuing to do so at a large potluck dinner (around 40 people, mostly out-of-town extended family we hadn’t seen in years), so I barked across the table ‘Grandma, I love you, but you’re gonna stop pretending you’ve been good to me ever since I came out.’ That led to a shouting match between us with plenty more swearing and several insults thrown around until I said ‘Look, you’ve gotta stop using me for some nonsense ‘liberal brownie points’ or all your little quilting club friends are gonna hear about how you’re actually a bigot jerk, and then you’ll just be screwed, won’t you?’ I took off back to my hotel room after that, with my fiance and sister with me.
The next day, my mom came to me and said that while she understood, she wasn’t happy with how I chose to confront my grandma, or with the fact that she had to do damage control because I just bailed. My dad and fiance both agreed with my mom, worth noting as they’re usually in my corner about times I snap like this (yeah, it’s not the first time) and so I think I might have actually gone too far in what I said and where I said it.
The rest of the family has been understandably just avoiding me as well. I know I was A jerk, but am I THE jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“I call it the ‘omg what will the neighbors say’ syndrome and I personally think it’s one of the most annoying attitudes a family member can have.
Also known as hypocrisy. I get it that when it’s a family member there will be more drama and other family members taking sides, but it’s still a simple case of a hypocrite demanding to be left being a hypocrite in peace. And it’s not ‘damage control’ just because it’s Grandma, it’s still just your regular hypocrite desperately trying to get their castle of crap and lies back on its foundations.
NTJ absolutely, you’re not even A jerk for that. Calling out a filthy hypocrite (and I’d even say THIS kind of hypocrite especially) is always the right thing to do, especially if their castle of lies is built on your back.” Drezhar
Another User Comments:
“NTJ? – I kind of get the perspective where when you do something like this in public it doesn’t just ruin the intended ‘victim’s’ day, it ruins everyone else’s day too, and that sucks. I personally don’t like doing public drama, I just find it annoying and tacky… that being said, your grandma is a hypocritical…
not very nice person, and I can see why you snapped. I’m actually surprised you didn’t just call her out on social media and ruin her reputation, that’s what I’d be tempted to do… but at the same time, I also hate fights on social media and find them trashy, so probably not.
Anyway, not how I would have handled it, but I’m a pretty passive and quiet person in real life.” grouchykitten1517
21. AITJ For Taking My Problems With My Ex-Best Friend To Court?
“I (f 28) and my ex-friend ‘Beth’ (f 29) have known each other since high school.
Beth became a realtor after high school while I went to college. While I was in school she was being mentored by my mother and uncle and went on to become fairly successful. Beth’s problem is their money management.
It became even more apparent that she was horrible about it when I graduated and moved into the city closer to her when I got my job at my current company.
Thanks to my savings and my bonuses at work, I was able to buy a small condo instead of renting.
Anyway, her spending habits were insane. Always buying the newest designerwear, buying the most expensive bottle of wine at the restaurant we went to for dinner, or paying expensive dinners for her clients to celebrate.
She does not have a company card and from what I know her company does not reimburse for celebration meals unless it’s a big client. Meanwhile, she’d be struggling for rent each month.
It all caught up to her and she ended up in $15k worth of credit card debt.
She came to me because she didn’t know what to do. I paid it off for her under the terms that she would control her spending and pay me interest-free monthly. Not only did we shake on it, but we also wrote up our agreement and signed it with her partner ‘Rocky’ and our friend ‘Amy’ as witnesses (my big bro brother is a lawyer, his idea).
Rocky Amy and I were all out while she was on a work trip. While there I slipped and her partner caught me before I seriously hurt myself. The position we were in apparently looked compromising because the next day, when Beth got back, she went off on me for trying to steal her man.
An old client of hers saw us at the bar we were at and took our picture. She did not believe me or Rocky when we told her what happened. It ended up being a huge fight.
Over a week she sent hate messages egged my car and made complaints about my work.
I almost lost my job until I showed HR the messages I was receiving from her and they confirmed her number was the one who’d been calling.
It wasn’t until Amy got back from her own business trip that it all stopped and Beth believed her.
She tried to apologize but I refused to talk to her after everything. Since I won’t forgive her, she decided she no longer owes me the remaining $10k. Furious and heartbroken over how Beth treated me I took my bro’s advice and brought her to court.
With the agreement we signed, the evidence in the text messages, and the reports from work, the judge sided with me and ordered her to pay me the remaining money. The judge said I should consider criminal charges for the harassment and vandalism.
Now Beth’s family and some of our other friends have been telling me I shouldn’t have taken her to court before trying to work it out with her.
Her mother told me that it was my fault because ‘I knew what she was like’ and should have expected this. Her father even showed up at my house. These are people I consider my second family.
I don’t know what to do and I’m so emotionally exhausted. Am I the jerk for taking her to court?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s sad, but your friendship was over when she thought you were involved with her partner. The harassment, the vandalism, the refusal to pay: this is who she is. It’s an unsettling discovery, but it’s also the truth. I don’t think for one second she would have paid you back if you didn’t take her to court, which is why she and her family are upset about it.
If she had every intention to pay you back, the judgment would mean nothing because it would just reinforce what she was already planning to do. She messed up here, not you and forgiveness is not a requirement.
I really despise the idea that you have to automatically forgive people who have done you wrong.
There was damage done, and just letting things go lets those wounds fester. Mourn the friendship but know that you haven’t done anything wrong. Life just sucks sometimes. People too, as evidence.” BetweenWeebandOtaku
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Perhaps facing consequences (being held responsible for the debt which she agreed to repay – that agreement was not contingent on staying in the close friendship that existed at the time of the loan – and if you do, as you should, follow up on the advice provided by the judge), will help Beth to learn not to be ‘like that’.
She had the opportunity to do the right thing – to trust that her partner and best friend were telling her the truth instead of vandalizing your property and trying to cost you your job.
After going through all of that, why would you believe that she wanted to apologize rather than further mistreatment you?
It seems more like she wanted to try to find an excuse to avoid repaying her debt. As the saying goes, ‘When someone shows you who they are, believe them – the first time’.” HoneyedVinegar42
20. AITJ For Blowing Up At My Stepsister And Calling Her Out On Everything She Did?
“I (20 f) have a twin sister (Anna) and two stepsisters, (Rachel 18) and (Eva 22).
For a bit of context, our parents (my mom and their father) got married when I was around the age of 10. Like most blended families it took some adjustments to make everything work.
My step-family comes from a country where there aren’t too many opportunities so they moved to Canada with us. This is where the problems begin. Eva began acting very jealous towards my sister and me and complained whenever we got anything or attention. She would get angry when her father would treat us like his children.
We had many family discussions about that but nothing ever came from it. My mother also advised that Eva go to therapy because she has unresolved issues from her past (being abandoned by her mother and growing up in poverty.) Therapy didn’t last long because she and her father didn’t believe in it.
Eva began withdrawing herself from the family, we would try to get her to be included but after years of trying we got fed up. My mother kept suggesting therapy but it was always shut down. Eva would take things the wrong way and have emotional outbursts.
Her father would then scold and yell at my sister and me for her outbursts. After that, my twin and I would try to avoid Eva. I have severe anxiety (stemming from childhood trauma) and can’t deal with severe emotional outbursts. I tried explaining that to Eva and her father, but they didn’t care because the only one allowed to have problems was Eva.
Throughout our teenage years, my relationship with Eva deteriorated.
Present: Eva was having a mental breakdown and her father once again blamed my twin and me for not talking to her. I was tired of explaining that she was the one who stopped talking to us first and each time we tried to fix the relationship it would start all over again.
For the sake of my mental health, I said no more.
This is where I may have been the jerk; after a family discussion, I couldn’t contain my emotions anymore and had a full-blown panic attack. I then went on a rant calling her out on everything she ever did.
I said that I bet she didn’t take therapy because she lives off of the attention that she gets from her shenanigans. I know I shouldn’t have done that, I just need to know if my reaction was justified and if I truly am the jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. While blowing up at family is generally a jerk move, in this case, I’d say it’s justified and you’re NTJ for it. For your and your twin sister’s mental health, I’d suggest both of you walk away. Sit down with your mom and explain that she can either back up her husband and stepdaughter in this or you two, her bio kids.
I come from a blended family of myself – two stepbrothers. While there’s never been conflict between me and my stepbrothers due to them moving out several years before my mom and stepdad started being together, that doesn’t mean that my mom wouldn’t back me up in a situation like you and your twin sister are in with Eva.
Your mom should have put her foot down years ago and told their dad that if Eva didn’t get her act together, she wasn’t welcome in the home.” Efficient_Wheel_6333
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There are two sides to every story and sounds like you have not been allowed to tell yours.
Of course, that is frustrating, eventually leading to your blow-up. Maybe now your parents will hear you and consider how Eva’s behavior has adversely affected you too. There is no excuse for allowing one child to dominate the family dynamics and it is past time that your parents see this.
I include your mother as equally culpable here as she needed to have intervened earlier to help fix this situation. She cannot be allowed to be a silent partner with no responsibility here. Both adults need to lead this family better.” Realistic_Head4279
19. AITJ For Not Making My Stepdaughter's Mother The Trustee For The Trust We Initiated For Her?
“Three years ago, I met my husband, who was finalizing his divorce.
His ex-wife, bitter about the divorce, blamed me and labeled me a ‘homewrecker.’ Despite this, our blended family initially thrived, especially our kids, Annie (11), Sarah (11), and Ben (8). However, the ex-wife actively worked to alienate Annie from us, leading to a traumatic incident last summer.
Following that, my husband decided to give Annie a break, with the possibility of revisiting visitations in a year.
Recently, I initiated a $1M trust for each child to use to aid them in the first few years of ‘adult life’, and I named myself as the trustee.
When my husband shared the details with Annie’s mother, she erupted in anger. She criticized the amount saying it could be a lot more with what I have (it’s true, but that’s not the point of the trust), questioned why she wasn’t named the trustee, and objected to the imposed restrictions on fund usage (education, housing (only for the children living alone or rooming with peers), limited car expenses, and budgetary constraints for food, entertainment, travel and groceries, etc.).
She accused me of favoring my biological kids saying their trusts were probably more (we told her they weren’t and are all equally funded at $1M) and insisted on being the trustee for ‘her’ daughter’s trust and also demanding that the amount be increased to at least $5M.
Despite the ex-wife’s demands, I refuse to make her the trustee due to a lack of trust stemming from her attempts to harm my reputation, alienate Annie, and false reports to CPS and police claiming I was abusing my children. Her financial irresponsibility, evidenced by two bankruptcies, further fuels my reservations.
While I may harbor some personal resentment due to her past actions, I believe my concerns are valid. Am I the jerk for not making her the trustee and having ‘strict’ restrictions on how the funds can be used?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are doing a wonderful thing by setting up generous trusts, and more so by setting restrictions that will prevent errors or exploitation.
Of course, you are right to not make her the trustee.
As far as why she blames you if you only met your husband after the divorce was being finalized – well, I’m gonna guess she was expecting her initiating divorce would make your husband give her whatever it was she wanted, and instead, she got what she asked for.
(So of course she’s gonna blame you because that is what people like that do.)” mifflewhat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’ve honestly never even heard of a step-parent setting up a trust for their stepchild. You seem like a good person who cares about your stepdaughter.
If she was a good mother at all she would be grateful – grateful that her daughter can live a comfortable life in the future and grateful that she has an amazing stepmother who loves her so much. I mean we’ve all seen the evil step-parent stories on the internet.
The only reason she’s pushing it so hard is because she wants access to the money herself. You don’t have to prove anything to her, so don’t even worry about it.
Let her think you’re a jerk who cares. She does seem unhinged though and you should probably save every message and record every conversation with her going forward.
People do ugly things for money. Maybe therapy with your stepdaughter so she can’t be swayed by her mother about her opinion of you” TruckPure6828
18. WIBTJ If I Don't Attend My Brother's Wedding Because I Don't Want To See My Mom?
“This is about me (16 M) and my parents as well as my half-brother (26 M) and my younger siblings (14 f and 12 f).
So my dad was married before and had my half-brother. His first wife died and then he met and married my mom. My younger siblings and I were born. Growing up we always knew my half-brother didn’t think of our mom as his mom and he never liked my mom.
There wasn’t a whole lot of tension but he was very distant. My mom always saw him as her first kid though. She has convinced herself that he loves her even though he has never said the words to her and has told everyone she is not his mom or his parent.
He’s not close to my sisters or me either.
The only time it ever became a really big deal was when he graduated from high school. The school had a photographer and he was taking pictures of the graduates and their parents. My half-brother made it very clear the photo was just going to be him and Dad.
My mom was so upset. She cried on my shoulder until dinner and vented to me because he didn’t thank her in his speech during dinner. But then my mom acted like it never happened and she continued talking like she was my half-brother’s mom.
A year ago my mom got her first smartphone (she was always behind in technology and had a basic phone for years) and she discovered TikTok around that time. She became obsessed/fixated on these videos of stepkids asking their stepparents to adopt them and of weddings where stepparents get acknowledged as the ‘real mom/dad’ for the first time.
She watches them on repeat and comments like those are her reality. Because of those videos, she has become certain that my half-brother is planning to ask her to do a mother/son dance during the father/daughter dance. My mom has built herself up to believe it so badly.
I told my dad about it and he didn’t want to hear that I think mom is going to be crushed. He told me it’ll be fine because we’ll be there for her. But I know by we, he means me, he even said I was so good to her at the graduation and I could do it again.
I don’t want to and I know my half-brother won’t be doing a big surprise ‘you’re my real mom and I love you’ thing at his wedding. We’re only invited at all because he knows Dad wouldn’t come if he excluded us. But he hasn’t been a part of the family for real in years.
He only keeps in touch with Dad.
I brought my concerns up to Dad again and he told me to just make sure I’m close to Mom so I can take care of her if she gets upset. So I told him I’m not going if that’s what I’m there for.
My dad told me I had to go and to think of my family.
I’m thinking I won’t go and on the morning of I will just refuse and maybe even lock myself in my room or something or leave the house before they can make me.
But maybe that would make me a jerk?
WIBTJ if I don’t go?”
Another User Comments:
“I understand why you don’t want to be involved. Your dad is putting it on you and your siblings to help mitigate the damage done by her unrealistic expectations.
I don’t think you’re a jerk for not wanting to go, especially if you don’t have a strong relationship with your older brother but I think your plan is very childish (which makes sense because you’re a child).
My only piece of advice here is maybe to give your brother a heads-up and ask him if he can level-set expectations with your mom.
And then when your mom is upset just be honest with her that she’s chosen to hurt her feelings. NTJ.” coastalkid92
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This has disaster written all over it. If by chance you were able to warn your brother, there is a good chance your family would be uninvited from the wedding.
If your mom has a breakdown at the wedding, there is a good chance your family will be thrown out and blamed for ruining the wedding. There is a very good chance that your brother would have no contact with your family, especially your dad.
You have tried to warn your dad and he won’t listen. If you are forced to go to the wedding, then don’t placate your mom and dad.
When your mom has her breakdown apologize to your brother, grab your siblings, walk away, and wait at the exit.
Let your dad deal with your mom. That is all you can do. Don’t argue with anyone, just remove yourself and your siblings from the situation. When you get home, don’t argue with your parents. You tell your mom you are sorry her feelings were hurt, but don’t place blame on her or your brother at the moment.
Unfortunately, telling your parents I told you so won’t help the situation. Just suggest your mom get therapy to deal with her feelings. I am sorry that you are put in this situation. It isn’t fair to you, your siblings, or your brother and his wife.
This is due to your father and mother having unrealistic expectations. You can’t control other people’s feelings or behaviors. You can only control how you react to them.” PDK112
17. AITJ For Refusing To Buy Groceries?
“I (27 F) live with my uncle (60 M) and cousin (25 F) and keep getting into the same argument like clockwork every other month or so. For context, me and my cousin are in a bad spot and are able to live and save money while living with our uncle.
I had lived in a big city while going to college and stayed for around 9 years supporting myself alone and paying rent living with roommates I am quite familiar with shared spaces, having my own belongings and not touching my roommates’ things. My cousin on the other hand has lived on her own but with an ex or their family so they are used to communal living and sharing everything.
I had moved here 2 years ago and everything was fine. Another piece of info is I am plus size and she is 100 pounds wet. So little comments came here and there that I was eating everything in sight. And I am keen on the formative years of me living in apartments under the rule of ‘Don’t touch my stuff’ because I mostly lived with strangers.
Now I am accused of eating all the butter, drinking all of the milk, eating all of the eggs, and using the detergent that 80% of the time I AM PURCHASING.
After the last argument, I lost it genuinely, I was passive for the most part because I didn’t care enough to sit and nickel and dime someone.
But this time I was upset. I lost my job last month and had about $300 to cover my bills and get groceries to hold me for about 3.5 weeks until my new position started.
I spent $120 and planned my meals to use every item accordingly to not waste money I didn’t have.
Today is the 3rd day of my new job. I am fully run out of food. My cousin came home, and immediately I saw she was in a mood. Mind you, she’s been grocery shopping once and got maybe 3 things this whole month. I meal prepped and made meals to keep me afloat.
She makes roughly $600 a week and has ‘nothing to buy food’ yet buys the most expensive food in the store. Or when I’d give her money to get stuff she would buy only what she eats and say it was smarter to buy.
She started nagging me about how there was no food, and WE didn’t have groceries.
And I stopped her there to say I don’t have groceries. I am meal-prepping to keep myself on budget. I am on a grocery strike because I keep replacing EVERYTHING. I buy it for myself and it keeps being eaten by her. I also budget very well, nearly everything is store brand and the cheapest I can buy it.
I can make a $40 stretch to feed myself for 3 weeks on meals. I have had to eat rice and beans to pay rent before. I know how to struggle, I lost both of my parents. I don’t have a financial security net, if I don’t have money, I’m screwed. She has both of her parents who offer CONSTANTLY to help her.
I literally am at my wit’s end I feel like I am being told I am crazy for wanting my own food and household items.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I’m sorry that you’re in a situation (it sounds like for financial reasons) where you’re getting body shamed and also judged that your food isn’t ‘smart’ (what?!).
There’s really not much you can do except tell her that you’re meal planning because it’s all you can afford and you’d like to keep things separate (which it sounds like you’ve already done). I’ve never been in this exact situation, and I’m sure you don’t need an extra expense, but maybe a bar fridge in your room to keep your food?” Hefty-Sprinkles-8305
Another User Comments:
“You are absolutely NTJ. Tell her she ate all the food and didn’t pay you her share of the groceries, so you are broke and she needs to transfer you funds to go shopping with. Then go buy raw ingredients to cook with, since she is too lazy to actually cook or meal prep.
Since you live in S. FL, if you can’t afford food, hit up a food pantry. Seriously. You are working but living on the edge, you are who food pantries want to help. Especially since you’ll be pleased to get the beans and rice that so many people complain about.” Algebralovr
16. AITJ For Being Upset About What My Ex And His New Partner Are Telling My Kids?
“I (34 f) picked my son up from his dad’s (35 m) house. I walked in and his dad’s partner of 6 months was there. Not a big deal that she’s there, my ex and I have a pretty good co-parenting relationship.
What my son said to me on the car ride home had my b***d boiling.
My son said, ‘Dad said if Karen (the woman) is here she is your mom’. My son is brutally honest to a fault.
At first, I thought he was making it up but logically how could a six-year-old make something like that up? I told his dad about it and he told me he would never say something like that.
I want to believe him, but my gut is telling me there is some truth to my son’s words. To add: my daughter, who is 11, said that Karen has tried to get my daughter to tell her that she loves her. Their dad and I were together for 13 years, and off and on for the past two years.
I broke it off this past April and he got together with this person not even two weeks later.
I just feel like he is crossing boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed this early in a relationship. Our kids also tell me all the negative things he says about me so I can only imagine what he tells his now-partner about me.
I don’t care what he thinks of me, I only care about how he talks about me to our children.
To add, I never talk negatively about him in front of our kids, I have all the respect for him as a father and I genuinely think he’s a good person.
I get triggered when my kids tell me about what he says about me in front of them.
I do know/am aware it’s none of my business who he brings into our kids’ lives and how he chooses to parent, but it doesn’t take away the fact that it makes me upset.
I just want our kids to grow up with happy, healthy, and nurturing parents.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He doesn’t sound like that great of a guy if he is bad-mouthing you to your children. But the mom thing is totally inappropriate. She’s not their mother in literally any sense and she has no obligation to these kids beyond what she feels like doing for/with them.
Her role is to be your ex’s partner and a positive role model for these kids. Her role was never and will never be to be their mother. Even if she became their stepmother, that does not mean she needed to be a parent. Now if you don’t trust him to tell you the truth you need to focus on your kids.
Tell them that’s a no, they need to respect this woman but she’s not their parent. And if she makes them uncomfortable to continue to let you know. Reaffirm the boundaries and their right to have boundaries.” Distinct-Practice131
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – The best thing to do is address this as it comes up and don’t draw it out too far with the kids.
Have a really basic conversation with the kids and your ex’s present, just have them share with the dad what they said to you and they can tell him they don’t feel comfortable with it. It’s insanely important that the kids be involved (especially the 11-year-old) in that conversation because, at the end of the day, you can’t effectively co-parent if the kids are on the outside of every conversation.
I am speaking from making waaaay too many mistakes in a similar situation and wish I could go back and resolve many of them.” icollectt
15. AITJ For Not Wanting To Meet My Grandfather?
“My (F 33) mother’s father is visiting us for a day. He was estranged from my maternal grandmother ever since he had an affair and married his mistress. He moved to another city and basically left my mom, her siblings, and their mother to fend for themselves.
He then had three more children with his second wife.
Decades later, he has tried to reach out and seems way too eager to have a relationship with me despite not really being around much while I was growing up. He comments on my social media posts as if we’re close.
For the most part, I just tolerated him since it was mostly harmless stuff anyway.
I did however get quite upset with him a few weeks ago. You see, I am part of a theater group, which my grandfather knows about. One of my closest friends in the group recently passed away from a chronic illness.
This really took a toll on me emotionally as he was so young and fought his illness bravely. I made a post about him the day he passed, and of course, my grandfather just had to comment about how he’d like me to sing for him when he visits.
I saw red at that moment and just blocked him. To me, it was so insensitive and disrespectful of him to make my friend’s death, which upset me so much, about him. It made me look back on all the things he did, such as demanding we book a nice hotel for him during his visits or forcing my mom to host his 2nd wife at her home, where my grandmother still lives.
He keeps pushing his new family to blend into the family he abandoned, without even asking if that’s what the first family wants. And until now I never made a single comment about him or complained. But what he did to me was the last straw.
Earlier today my mom asked me if I would reconsider meeting with him. She said something along the lines of ‘he’s getting old and maybe you won’t get to see him again’. I understand how she would feel the need to rebuild a relationship with her father, but I don’t think I should have to be roped into it too.
The guilt-tripping around it makes me upset too. It’s like my own feelings about what someone did to me suddenly aren’t valid because of my mother’s family issues. The thing is, while he is my mother’s biological father, the man is a complete stranger to me.
So AITJ for not wanting to meet with him?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s OK to set a boundary with your mom. Something like ‘I’m at peace with where I am. I don’t want to spend time with him and I don’t want you to ask me about it again.’ If she continues to push, just repeat the phrase as needed. You don’t need to discuss or argue about it, just hold firm.
You could also invite your mom to talk about her feelings in this situation; it might be helpful to her and you might gain some insights about her that you didn’t know before. Bear in mind that when a parent has behaved as your grandfather has, many times their children hope for apology or reconciliation as the parent ages.
We all have an inner child who wishes for a parent’s love, and once he’s gone, it’s too late, and that’s a different type of grief. Not just for his passing, but for all the things you never got from them. Your mom has her own reasons for having him in her life, but that doesn’t extend to you.
It’s possible to support her in coping as she needs to without you having to do the same.” TYJerry
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother and the rest of the family he abounded are trying to cater to a heartless old man who’s trying to weasel his way into your life.
I understand they have their own issues, but your mother trying to rope you into their nonsense is not ok at all. They wanna play family with the old dirtbag, that’s fine, but you absolutely don’t have to be a part of it.” [deleted]
14. WIBTJ If I Express How I Feel To My Family About Them Choosing My Ex Over Me?
“I had a relationship of about 2 years where they constantly ignored a lot of my emotional boundaries, constantly love bombed me and towards the end genuinely made me hate myself.
He essentially moved himself into my family home when I was at one of my lowest points after the person who literally raised me died out of nowhere.
Now it was a cycle of every month or so I would beg him to move out and go home, literally screaming and crying because he just refused, and living with him was so bad for my mental health because he refused to do anything around the house and I would get constant crap from my family about it.
He didn’t even look for a job the first 6 months he was here and instead complained about the internet not being top-notch for him so he could play his games (literally all he did for those first 6 months!).
He was so mentally draining to live with and be around constantly that there were numerous occasions I would literally be crying to my family and close family friends that I couldn’t deal with it anymore and I felt trapped and like I wasn’t allowed to have a life without him (I wasn’t allowed any friends, regardless of gender, if they weren’t his friends too).
Aside from myself and the weekly family chill sessions, we would have, my family and family friends have no connection to him. Now when I finally got him to leave, we had temporarily stopped going to these sessions because of a family issue.
A couple of months passed and now I’ve found out the reason I’ve not been invited back is because they invited him.
Despite my telling my own family and people who have watched me grow up the numerous ways this person controlled me and mentally and emotionally mistreated me, they have made it extremely clear that they chose to welcome him back into their lives and just stop talking to me altogether.
It hurts because I miss them so much and I want to see them again but I just don’t get how they can actively choose to have him in their lives after everything I told them and even the things that they witnessed themselves.
Now I don’t know if it’s a generational thing so maybe someone can help me out with that – some people, my parents, and family (them included) think I’m wrong for being upset over the whole situation but everyone I’ve spoken to about this (35 & under + my therapist) think they’ve got a screw loose or something for thinking that that’s acceptable to do.
Now I know that I have no control over what people do and if they would rather associate with him, surely that’s just messed up?
So, if I were to talk to them and tell them exactly how I feel about the situation WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You can tell them, but they will not care. They have chosen your ex and had chosen him before you were able to get him out of your house. The good news is that you know this now and can focus on what makes you happy and building the family you deserve.
Go no contact for your own sake. In that case, you won’t be hoping or expecting them to reach out, and you won’t be constantly hurt by the fact that they don’t. This way, you’ll have taken charge of your own life and taken action for yourself.
I’m sorry your family is making such a crappy choice, but you’ve done well to get rid of him and get therapy. Keep up the good work. NTJ” corgihuntress
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ. It isn’t weird for you to be upset. It isn’t a generational thing either.
Therapist here. They sound like they have (several) screws loose. What I’d invite you to think about is what you would like to come from telling them how you feel? Tell them if you think it will help, but these are incredibly obtuse people & you may not get what you hope for.
I’m sorry about the hurt your family has caused you. What feels most important is that you work through what happened, build a support network & go no contact with these jerks if you need to. It’s you & your future happiness that is paramount here OP.
I really hope you find your way there. You survived all that crap so you have the strength to – with proper support.” Apart-Ad-6518
13. AITJ For "Punishing" My Wife After She Hastily Punished Our Son?
“My (39 f) wife (Mia – 40 f) is a very reactionary parent and is very quick to give punishments. She’s hot-headed and kind of petty. I like to think I’m calm and more rational with punishments. I often have to explain the pros and cons of things to my wife to get her to reconsider certain things otherwise she’d be stuck in her ways and would burn so many bridges with friends and family.
She would rather do the wrong way 100 times than take someone’s advice. I’m teaching her critical thinking and empathy skills. We’re in couples therapy and individual therapy about all this. Mia is in the process of getting diagnosed with autism.
A few days ago, she confiscated Josh’s (our son – 14 m) phone for getting detention at school for not finishing a work assignment.
I suggested to Mia that we give Josh his phone during school hours so he can call us if something happens to/from school. Also, his bus ticket is on his phone so he’d need it to travel and I’m not paying for another ticket on top of the ridiculously expensive week pass.
I told Mia that if he didn’t get his phone for school hours, then he’d need to be driven to school. Mia said he’d be fine but I said that she should be the one to drive him to school the next day.
She said that if he ‘can’t figure out’ a way to get to school, then she will. I still don’t know what that means.
The next day at 7:30, Josh came into our room to ask who was taking him to school. I said Mia was.
She looked at me like I just said something horrible and got out of bed. When she returned, she refused to talk to me.
It wasn’t until just before pick-up time that she spoke to me to ask if she was picking Josh up.
I said ‘He hasn’t got his bus pass so he’ll need picking up. I can do it if you want but I’ll need you to walk the dog if I go.’
She groaned and said ‘Ok I get it. I jumped the gun with the punishment.
You were right. But you didn’t need to punish me by making me get up so early.’ We had a discussion (a first for us as she’s usually quite defensive). I had to write down why Josh’s punishment correlated to her having to get up early because she did not get it.
I think I did an ok job at explaining it but she’s still super mad at me for making her drive Josh to school.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Her having to drive Josh to school was not a punishment. It was a consequence of her taking his phone away.
That being said, I don’t like the idea that you are ‘teaching her empathy’. That doesn’t fall in the remit of being a spouse. If she needs to be taught empathy, she needs a lot of therapy. If she is autistic that is a further complication, but it should be possible to get there.
Your remit as a parent is something else entirely. You need to make sure that you are protecting your son from all of these excessive punishments that are no doubt a result of some really serious black-and-white thinking.” FragrantEconomist386
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She decided on this punishment without thinking it through, nor did she ask you before she levied it.
She made a unilateral call here and should be the one to deal with the logistical aspects of it if you are unwilling or unable to for whatever reason. You made it clear that this is what she would have to do because of the punishment she gave and even offered a compromise so she didn’t have to pick him back up.
This is also a parenting lesson for her. Don’t make a punishment that obligates you as parents to do something you don’t want to do, LOL!
Sometimes there’s no choice and it’s our jobs as parents to suffer through it as well, but if we don’t want to do something (like get up early) then don’t put a punishment that requires that on the table, especially if there are others ways to deal with it.” AngelofSol80
12. AITJ For Being In A Relationship With My Friend's Close Cousin?
“My partner and I are both 31 years old. I met my partner earlier this year at my (now ex) best friend’s wedding while a bridesmaid. My friend no longer speaks to me.
For years, my friend had joked about setting us up because his mom met me and liked me (they are an Indian family; I am white) and we would joke about marrying me into the family and being sisters.
It was mostly a joke because we didn’t think we’d ever be compatible.
Fast forward six years and I finally met him at the wedding. The groom ended up setting us up during a day of day drinking. The bride was there but she and I didn’t talk about it.
I called her after the wedding to tell her all about it and I let her know we were continuing to talk (I told her I wasn’t sure the purpose behind it as we didn’t live in the same city but that I was enjoying the conversation).
She asked me not to talk about him to her while we were talking so that it wouldn’t affect the friendship. I agreed this was a good plan.
Two months later, I could sense something was off with her and I asked her how she was feeling about me seeing her cousin (though they think of each other as brother and sister).
She blew up at me and said she was upset that I didn’t ask for her consultation before going out with him. I apologized to her. She asked for space and wasn’t ready to talk about it, but said we would eventually need to if he and I got serious.
I gave her space for a few months.
When I reached back out, she suggested we talk only in person if we were ever in the same place (I was living in a different country at the time).
Several months later I finally moved in with my partner who lives in the same city as my friend and reached out to her ready to talk.
She then told me she’d already withdrawn from our friendship, was unwilling to ever talk to me again, and told me I was ‘invading’ her family.
AITJ for not realizing I needed to ask her for her permission to go out with him and is her behavior justifiable?”
Another User Comments:
“You need to realize that you had a binary decision: him or her. You chose him. Now live with that and stop thinking of her as a friend. She has made it quite clear she does not want you as a friend nor a member of her ‘family’.
Leave the former relationship in the past and let your partner do any communicating in the future.
NTJ for not getting a ‘permission slip’ for your heart! But you will be if you try to force a dead relationship with the former acquaintance. Focus on the positive.” Avlonnic2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But what’s happening here is your friend feels like she lost her 2 best friends at once. Now you and your partner are each other’s ‘person’ and there’s no room for her. It sucks to feel left out, but it’s not your fault she feels this way.
You’re not doing anything wrong. Unfortunately, these things happen in life. It’s too bad she’s taken this extreme stance and is painting herself into a corner. She could have just let the friendship drift apart without her tantrum and making no contact.
Then no one would have to feel awkward at family gatherings. But that’s not the path she chose. Your partner will have to be the one dealing with her, but I suggest just letting it go peacefully. Keep it cordial and light when he runs into her, no grudges.
Maybe she’ll come around one day, or maybe she won’t. But there’s no need to play into a smoldering resentment. Just go forward in your happiness and wish her the best (in your heart).” PerniciousPompadour
11. AITJ For Not Wanting My Husband's Friend In Our Home Until He Apologizes?
“My husband’s friendship with ‘Mike’ is complicated. I am not going to get into their friendship here for anonymity.
Long story short, they are friends. Not best friends and my husband limits his time around Mike. Mike is the type of person who says anything he wants regardless of how it might hurt someone. The frustrating part is no one ever holds him accountable.
Not his family, his wife, or my husband.
Last week he made a rude, hurtful, and ignorant comment about people with a particular color of hair. He knows and has seen me with this color (purple) hair, which I currently have. I said at the time that I was uncomfortable with his comment and he just doubled down.
My husband did shut the phone off as soon as he doubled down. I am not upset at his comment, I know he is a jerk. I am upset that everyone is acting like it is okay for him to say rude things about me and others with no consequences or consideration for how it may make others feel.
I have told my husband I am annoyed and uncomfortable and I do not want Mike in our home until I get a meaningful and honest apology where he explains to me that he understands how his comment was hurtful.
To be clear, I am not telling my husband he cannot hang out with Mike, I am saying not in our home.
Now Mike’s wife is telling me I am overreacting and that Mike is just like that and won’t change. Mike is upset and saying that I am being a wimp (not the word he used… much much worse) and overreacting. My husband respected my wishes and apologized to me.
I know that Mike won’t change his opinions and his brazen comments. He is not my friend and I am not asking him to change. I am asking him to apologize to me for the hurtful comment he made and take accountability for what he said.
Whether he changes or not is up to him.
So am I the jerk for not letting my husband’s friend into our home?”
Another User Comments:
“This idea that words don’t have consequences befuddles me. So Mike is ‘just like that?’ Okay – and?
You’re ‘just like that’ too but in a different way. Why is your way not as valid as his way? He is free to say or do whatever stupid crap he wants to. No one is stopping him. However, you’re entitled not to put up with crap you don’t want to – PARTICULARLY in your own home!
Cool – Mike is upset. He knows he’s a jerk which is why he’s calling you a wimp. Keep your head up, keep your demeanor calm, and let Mike’s wife know that you’re not keen to continue to be insulted in your own home. You’re not trying to change Mike – you’re just requesting he keep his stupidity out of your house.
NTJ.” MrsQute
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have every right to feel comfortable and respected in your own home. Mike’s hurtful comments and refusal to take accountability show a lack of respect for you and your feelings. Understandably, you don’t want him in your home until he genuinely apologizes.
Your husband’s support of your decision is important, and it’s good that he’s respecting your wishes. Mike’s unwillingness to change doesn’t mean you have to tolerate his behavior in your personal space. His wife’s dismissal of your feelings is also not okay.
Stand your ground and maintain your boundaries.
You deserve to feel safe and valued in your own home, and Mike needs to understand that his words have consequences. If he can’t offer a sincere apology, he doesn’t deserve access to your space.” ZoeyRadiance
10. AITJ For Making My Nephews Clean Up After Themselves?
“My nephews (6 and 8) came over to our house for a few days. They are my brother’s (Ryan – 38 M) sons.
Ryan and his wife went on a business trip and decided to leave the boys with us (Me – 36 F, my wife Elizabeth – 37 F, our daughter 7, and son 6).
The kids played together a lot and had a lot of fun. So much so that they had a pillow fight in the living room, made each other a ‘mummy’ by wrapping each other up in toilet paper and trying to scare my wife and me, and played out in the garden and came back in with muddy feet.
Set up a tent in each one of the rooms and slept in an indoor camp, etc. I was watching over them and making sure they were safe the entire time.
My wife and I have a few simple rules in the house and our kids know and follow them very well.
One of them is that we let our kids run around and play inside the house as they want as long as it is safe and as long as they clean up after themselves. Sometimes this includes helping us vacuum, mop the floor, wash their stuff, etc. But as long as they participate in the entire cleanup process, we let them have fun.
With the cousins now all together, there was a lot more fun and much more of a mess left after the kids. So much so that Elizabeth said she felt like she entered a warzone when she came home. However, on the first day that my nephews were with us, Elizabeth and I explained that as aunts we have this rule intact for them, and they should also help their cousins in the process of cleaning up after themselves.
So on the last day of their visit, we all got in the process of cleaning the house and putting stuff in their original location. It lasted maybe a few hours and afterward, the kids played low-profile games together until it was time to go back home.
I just got a call from my brother saying I overstepped a line and I should’ve discussed the rule with him and his wife and I shouldn’t have I quote ‘made his kids clean up my massive house as a labor’ because it ‘undermines his role as the parent and the primary person responsible for disciplining his own kids’.
Was I a jerk for making my nephews clean up after themselves?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You didn’t discipline them, it wasn’t a punishment. You didn’t undermine him, if that isn’t how things work in his home, he can very easily explain to them that different homes have different rules.
Also, ‘(help) clear up after yourself if you have made a mess’ is such a basic thing it wouldn’t even cross my mind to think of it as a rule that had to be discussed. If he thinks you made them clear as some form of discipline it sounds like he totally misunderstood what happened.
Plus – he’s fine leaving his kids in your care for multiple days but isn’t aware that your kids are typically expected to help around the house and clean up after themselves?” ProfessorYaffle1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, the kids were respecting your house rules in your house and it sounds like they didn’t have a major issue with it.
Your brother is weird for being upset about this, it’s a basic and versatile life skill that kids should learn as young as possible since the older they get the harder it will be to teach them about chores. And it wasn’t disciplining them, it was just having more help to clean up more mess, because they MADE the mess.
Besides, you provided them with childcare for multiple days and kept your nephews safe, fed, and healthy, and they had a lot of fun with their cousins too! did they even pay you for all that? LOL.” catboycecil
9. WIBTJ If I Do Not Renew My Lease With The Other Tenant?
“So my parents currently live in a Duplex house with my little brother, they rent one side, and the other side is rented by a different tenant.
The landlord is selling the house and the other tenant is currently the one who is most likely to buy it. My parents really want to get it, but they can’t get approved due to a few different reasons, even though they could most likely afford the house.
I also want to own a home sooner rather than later and would like to move back to the area where literally all of my friends and family live.
About a year and a half ago now I moved to a different state about 6-7 hours away depending on traffic.
I’m thinking of applying for the mortgage with them, as then we could offer more than the other tenant and be approved with no problem, as I make almost as much as my two parents combined, and I have better credit. However, if I did this, it would be with the plan that once my lease is up on my apartment, I move in with them or my grandparents for a few months, then once the current tenant’s lease is up we don’t renew it and I move into the other half of the Duplex.
I told a friend about this plan, and they said it’d be kind of a jerk move to do to the tenant currently living there.
Normally I would agree that I’d be a crappy person for doing this, however, the other tenant is already very well off.
She owns a much more expensive house about 40 minutes away, and she only rents here so that instead of having to commute her son to the private high school we have in town, he can just walk there instead. It’s not a cheap private school either, it’s $72k a year if the student boards there, $51k if they only attend classes but don’t live there.
It’s not like she couldn’t easily rent elsewhere that’s nearby, even if it was more expensive. That’s my logic anyway, so I don’t seem to really understand the problem
So, would I be the jerk for this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… But you may be making a financial mistake.
If you are looking for a house in a particular area, study the market and do not limit yourself to that duplex. Do not try to outbid the other potential buyer by paying above market rate. Also, make sure to talk about this joint home ownership deal. Who is going to be on the deed?
Who is going to pay the mortgage? Is your brother going to have a stake in it? What will happen when your parents pass?” MycologistNeither470
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, make sure you fully document the condition of the property during the purchase. Make sure you do a full walk-through with the tenant when they leave.
Like flush toilets and run water in drains kind of thorough. Some things are wear and tear but trust me, there’s a chance of bitterness in this situation. We found multiple issues left by the previous owners when our house closed. Including a partially cooked rotten fish in a cupboard.” okmustardman
Going in with your parents, make sure you get everything in writing, who is responsible for what. Who gets what if someone dies. This will protect all 3 of you.
8. AITJ For Yelling At My Mom And Telling Her To Be More Like My Stepmom?
“I (16) live with my mom, her partner Ted, and Ted’s son Josh (18 m).
I spend every other week with my dad and Josh spends every other week with his mom. Josh and I are super close and I consider him my best friend.
My parents had me at 17. They dropped out of school to get married and both were raised super fundamentalist. Neither finished high school or ever got a GED. They also both work minimum-wage dead-end jobs.
My mom had a lot of ‘friends’ when I was growing up and we’d move a few times a year because they’d realize my mom was a mooch and end up kicking us out. My dad still lives in the same place so that was stable in a sense but it’s in horrible disrepair because my dad can’t afford to get anything fixed and while he’s able to do it, he refuses to.
I’m also homeschooled because when my mom and I were forced to move it always meant moving schools too. I use a free online curriculum, Khan Academy, and I basically watch videos and try to teach myself. Neither of my parents ask about or keep track of my grades.
I get zero social interaction outside of Josh because my parents both think it’s overrated and they don’t want to put in the effort to join a co-op. Josh’s 11-year-old half-sister on his mom’s side, Gina is also homeschooled but is part of several co-ops and does multiple extracurriculars so it’s very different from me.
About a month ago, my dad was going to be out of town on my week with him and Josh asked his mom if I could come stay that week too. My mom didn’t care, she never cared so I was scared but I said yes.
It was the best week of my life. I got to see the homeschool co-ops, tried hibachi, and boba, and went to a coffee house for the first time in my life. Went to the zoo, another first, and a science museum. I was never allowed to go to one because it goes against my parent’s beliefs.
Josh’s mom spent time with us and made sure we got to do things we wanted and Gina too. All things my parents never did.
A few days ago I was begging my mom to let me ride to the store with her and she told me no. I asked why and she kept saying because I said so.
I got upset and yelled at her, I wish you were more like Josh’s mom, she actually cares about her kids.
I’m currently grounded, not that I do anything as it is and my mom is angry. AITJ?
(I wish I was allowed to go to college: both of my parents make it clear I am expected to get married and start popping out kids at 18, even if it means dropping out of school.
I’m also not allowed to learn to drive. I don’t want to be trapped in their cycle.)”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But sweetie, once you are 18 you are legally allowed to leave. I’m not saying it would be easy, but you can. If your parents aren’t paying attention and want your education, start researching scholarships or shelters or ways out of your situation.
Do NOT talk about Josh’s mom again. Apologize to your mom and say you were wrong. If you want to get out you have to fly under the radar. Pretend to go along while you’re plotting your escape. If you think you can trust her talk to Josh’s mom about helping you get out.
It’s unfair and it will be hard but you do have options to get out if you start now. I wish you the best.” DrJScience
Another User Comments:
“Your parents can’t force you to marry anyone at any age: that would be human trafficking.
Are things better at your dad’s or your mom’s? Do not compare your mom to Josh’s mom. They will just start preventing you from hanging out there. In fact, present her as being the ideal they want you to emulate. It sounds like Josh’s mom is more savvy about homeschooling, so maybe ask her to help you find a more rigorous and well-rounded curriculum.
Why do your parents want you to get married so young when it didn’t work out for them?
Also, once you hit 16 you don’t need parents permission for employment. You could start babysitting because a lot of people expect to have to pick the babysitter up and you can frame it as seeking to expand your childcare experience so you’ll be ready for all the birthing in your future.” eightmarshmallows
7. AITJ For Refusing To Take Care Of My Nephew?
“I had a 2-year age difference with my sister. We never had a particularly close relationship.
She had a kid (22 M now, ‘Hunter’) when she was 21, and when she was 27, she and her husband got in a horrible car accident and passed away, leaving Hunter alone.
I was 25 back then and was struggling with poverty, homelessness, and addiction, so I couldn’t take him in.
He had no other relatives and ended up in foster care. Eventually, I got back on track and even though I’m still struggling, I have a roof over my head and a warm meal every day which I’m grateful for. When I got back on track, I had to work a lot and wasn’t exactly mentally capable of taking care of a traumatized child on top of that, even though when I got significantly better when Hunter was 12, the CPS contacted me again asking if I would want to take him in and I refused because I never wanted kids, never was close with his mom and with him, even when he was little.
Hunter lives a life of crime, he has been in and out of jail since he was about 14. Mind that he was in prison for serious crimes, mostly crimes against persons. He’s not mentally stable and also not very smart. We’re not close and I’m afraid of him due to his history and because he used to harass me by saying some disturbing stuff, it was so bad I considered filing a restraining order, but luckily he got to prison again.
Recently he got out of prison. He showed up at my house, which made me freak out because I moved right after he was locked up and he probably did stalk me. I was scared and I did a very stupid thing because I let him in.
He tried to be friendly, but when I said I was not interested in being in contact with him, he lost it, called me a jerk and a lot of other stuff, and said that I dumped him and because of me he is ‘like that’.
I said I couldn’t take care of him and the CPS would never allow me to take him in, he said I could’ve taken him in after I got better. I said I didn’t want kids and didn’t feel like caring for one. He called me a jerk again, spat on the floor, and left.
I feel bad for him because he lives a pretty miserable life, but I’m scared of him and don’t think I could’ve helped him back then and definitely don’t think I could help him now.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s an adult and responsible for his own life.
Even though he’s had a rough life, he’s not alone; a lot of people have. He’s a stranger to you. You can’t go around taking in every stranger who has had a rough life. And you can’t make an exception just because there’s a b***d link.
Then for him to start getting verbally abusive? That’s a big ‘C’ya’. You didn’t dump him. You couldn’t care for him. He had opportunities. Even in jail he probably had some chances that he blew off. If you rent, alert the landlord. If not, get cameras.
Give your neighbors a heads-up.” FuzzyMom2005
Another User Comments
“NTJ. Hunter needs help, professional help. This is beyond what you are capable of giving and was way more than you could have given when his parents died. It’s sad, but it is not your fault.
Hunter is an adult, and while a damaged person, he is capable of making decisions to improve or worsen his life. I don’t know what services are available for ex-offenders where you are, but if you want to help direct him to these.” boredathome1962
6. AITJ For Not Coming To My Brother's Wedding?
“My sister Cat (late 20s) and Jules (early 30s) worked together at a club for about 6 months before I (late 20s/F) started working there in late 2022.
I asked Cat her opinion of him. She said she likes him, he’s somewhat flirtatious but is that way with everyone, and is a favorite co-worker.
Fast forward to spring 2023, Jules and I start seeing each other.
What seems like out of the blue, Cat hates Jules.
She wants us to stop seeing each other. I ask why and she cites that at the club, right after he and I had started going out, tipsy Jules told her ‘I’m sleeping with your sister’. He apologized the next day to me, saying that Cat told him I was straight and to not even bother, so it was meant in a joking ‘Well you were clearly wrong about this’ type of way.
Not funny to me, but he hasn’t said anything like that since.
I had Jules over my house and after he left Cat was upset (she and I lived together at this point). She said Jules had always tried to get at her and as soon as she’d made it clear she wasn’t interested, turned his attention to me and was using me as a stand-in for her.
I asked her to explain, as I’d seen them interact before we started going out and nothing had seemed flirtatious to me. And Jules never asked her out, or even to hang out alone. Her reasoning was that he would put his hand on her back while walking by at the bar, and make a comment about her hair being long.
I didn’t see any of these things as real issues so I continued seeing Jules.
Months later there were a couple of family events coming up and I wanted to bring Jules. My mom and older brother get super involved on Cat’s behalf. It became clear that my family had been talking about my relationship.
Brother and Mom were ‘very concerned’. I asked for clarification and they repeated things Cat told me. She had told almost everyone in our family that Jules was a creep. I want to include that Jules is non-binary, and my family is conservative. I feel that she gave them an excuse to not accept Jules without admitting it’s homophobia.
I talked to Cat, who refused to take any responsibility for the way my family was treating Jules. Some of the things she told them were outright lies – that Jules had a significant other when we started going out and that he would message Cat about her turtle in a way that was threatening (???).
She offered to tell our family members that what she said about him wasn’t true. I found out yesterday she still hasn’t done that.
My mom, dad, and 2 of my siblings have met him and fully approve. I told my brother and family yesterday that I won’t be at the wedding.
My family is upset with me and thinks I should go without him.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Cat is a hater and she sounds jealous, either she’s jealous because she likes Jules OR she’s just upset to see you living your best life.
If Cat really is as awful as you’ve described then your family knows she’s messy and is taking her side regardless.
You need to do some reflection on who your family is and who you are to them cause it doesn’t sound like they like or respect you very much.
I know lots of people, including myself, tell everyone to seek therapy but you should consider therapy to help you sort it all out. Good luck.” saintandvillian
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, that is insane behavior from your sister. Be as vocal as possible about how she’s spreading lies because she’s jealous and you’re appalled at this underhanded and disgusting behavior of slander because of it.
I would press that she seeks therapy. If anyone comes after you, you tell them the jealous bit and you’re disgusted she’s spreading these lies and that (insert relative that contacted you here) believes that too. ‘I’m seriously considering contacting an attorney on Jules’s behalf or pushing them to seek one for a cease and desist because of the impact these awful lies can have on someone’s life.
It can literally ruin lives and images.’ This is insane. I’m so sorry Jules is going through this.” Oddveig37
5. AITJ For Prioritizing My Disabled Brother Over My Sister?
“About seven years ago, my I (M 28) younger brother J (M 21) was involved in a horrific car accident. We lost our mother and J’s twin sister in the process, and he ended up with a VERY severe TBI, leaving him essentially in a vegetative state.
Since then, I’ve become his primary caregiver and paid for every treatment and care home he needs.
After the crash, my dad became very distant with both me and my youngest sister, R (F 18). R and I weren’t particularly close due to the age gap + her being closer to my late other sister.
And yet I tried to be there for both of them – but I made it more of my mission to be there for J – spending hours talking to him, desperately hoping to catch a glimpse of the brother I once knew, as he was obviously the worst off from this.
As the older sibling, I stepped up for R too. After visiting J at the hospital, I go home to cook for her and our dad, attempting to understand the impact the accident had on her, even though we were never really the kind to talk about our feelings with each other.
I don’t know why but R, since she was eleven, refused to visit J at his care homes, basically shattering what relationship we could have had due to J taking up so much of my time. I initially thought it was a phase, but it stayed, she hasn’t seen J since it happened.
I try to make conversation over dinner, but she constantly shuts herself off. But yesterday, she confronts me, accusing me of neglecting her for the past few years, feeling like she’s always lower priority to J. She even says it might have been better if J hadn’t survived the accident – claiming she’d get more attention from me.
Attention I’ve tried to give her, that she pushes away.
I obviously defend myself, explaining how I’ve given her countless chances to connect, to be part of the whole family-supports-family concept. I list the responsibilities I’ve taken care of for her, from feeding her to providing a roof over her head.
But it’s not enough for R. She insists I need to do more, telling her partner how unimportant I am to her and even claiming I’ve been a jerk to her for years. I’ve given her so many chances to visit J and to talk to me about her life.
I cannot remember the last time she sat down and chatted with me about stuff. And I could see from her side, feeling neglected due to my involvement with J and her lack of it, but she chose this. She chose this lack of connection between us.
Perhaps I’ve misunderstood her perspective entirely, that she could have simply struggled to reach out and communicate how she felt with me.
So, AITJ for prioritizing my severely disabled younger brother over my sister, who seemingly wants nothing to do with him or me?”
Another User Comments:
“A soft YTJ. As someone who has spent her entire childhood and most of her adult life in and out of care centers and hospitals for various people, I understand where she is coming from. Yes, it is where the person needs to be to get the best care possible but as a kid being surrounded by all those people who are basically dead is horrible.
The smell of old people and antiseptics still sends me into panic attacks.
Even if she had gone with you she would still be in the same place if not even more upset. Tagging along while you care for him is just that. It isn’t you spending time with her, it’s her following you around still being neglected.
This may sound cruel but if your brother truly was a vegetable in the way most Americans mean it, then he didn’t need your emotional support. He couldn’t have perceived it. Your sister though? She lost basically everything at once. So did you and no one can tell you that you are not a victim here.
It’s an impossible horrible situation for all of you.
I do think you all need family therapy, or at least individual therapy. I’m willing to bet your sister feels very alone and abandoned. It isn’t your fault, it’s an awful situation with no ‘winners’ and everyone should have handled things differently.
Your father shouldn’t have clocked out, your sister as she got older should have communicated her feelings better, and you should have paid more attention to the other people in your life.” Dracudorable
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, except I think your father.
I understand that he must be traumatized for losing his wife, his daughter, and having his son so horrifically injured, but he had two other children and should have stepped up to raise your sister, help your brother, and help you.
I have to say you have been extremely brave and I am not sure many of us would be able to do this amongst the grief you must have been in, so young.
But in this case, your sister’s life changed from one day to another when she was only a child. Suddenly, her mother was dead, his father was psychologically missing, her other sister was dead too, and you basically were trying to survive and take care of both of them.
That couldn’t be easy for R at 11 or less to understand, and it is pretty normal for young kids to not want to visit hospitals or care homes. And if the only memory she has of your brother was of when she was a kid, she doesn’t have any relationship with your common brother.
I don’t say it is fair, but she might not have any connection or interest in visiting your brother not now, or in the future. Her relationship with him is just not the same as you have with him. Your relationship cannot be conditional to her visiting J and you even say that you can see how she could feel neglected after so many years, but it wasn’t her place to fix it up with you using J as a condition.
She might never want anything to do with J, because for her, unfortunately, he is a distant memory she is not close to.
If you gave priority to your brother, as I can perfectly understand given the circumstances, you couldn’t multiply yourself to give your sister the same support she lost with your parents and other sister, and she might have felt unimportant, and alone.
If you want to save your relationship with your sister, try to connect with her in a way that is not dependent on her inexistent relationship with J, and now that she is also an adult (or in the peak of becoming one) you might have a more adult relationship.
If you both didn’t have any help after the accident, you might seek grief therapy too. But if you focus so much on J, to the point of saying here that your strained relationship is her own fault for her not wanting to see J, your estrangement is going to grow over time.
But nobody is at fault here. I only see two young people suffering. You, a young person who stepped up in an enormously difficult situation to try to take care of everybody despite his own grief, and a child who didn’t understand why she lost everybody in a heartbeat and who felt second best for years.
Be kind to yourself, OP, and if you can and have strength to do, with your sister, too. Nobody should have to suffer what you two did.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Mild YTJ. It does sound like you’ve not been there emotionally for your sibling.
Her lashing out isn’t misbehavior; it’s a cry for help. She lost everything too, just like you did. All you had left was each other. This isn’t about your disabled brother. This is about your family telling you that they need you to be there for them.
You don’t have to be if you really don’t want to, but that’s a choice you’re making.
As an aside, after the trauma of losing most of her family, it’s not unreasonable that she’d be afraid of seeing her brother in that state, or of medical facilities in general. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love him.
She’s just terrified and lonely, and she’s trying to ask you for help.” Dominoodles
4. AITJ For Saying My Sister Is Selfish And Using Her Mental Health As An Excuse?
“My sister (30 f) and I (34 m) have been best friends our entire lives.
We’re from a large family and it was always me defending and supporting her.
It’s not uncommon that every 18 months or so, my sister isolates herself and does practically nothing but play Xbox and watch The Lord of the Rings, but she has always still engaged with family.
I’ve always been the ‘strong one’, not just with her, but with the entire family. But the truth is, I’m the most sensitive and have my struggles with mental health.
Our dad died recently. He was the first close person in our lives to die and it knocked us all hard.
It fell on me to arrange the funeral and sort everything else since Mum and the family were too upset. Anyway, after everything was sorted I quickly went back to work (RN) but recognized I was distracting myself from my grief.
Throughout, I was supporting my family including my little sister.
But she never once tried to support me. I feel so alone in this world and feel since Dad, I’ve lost the one person who truly had my back. I needed my sister for the first time in my life and she wasn’t there. I arranged (and paid for) a motorhome holiday to Scotland for her and me, and a week before she canceled on me.
Then, she started ignoring my calls, drinking more, and smoking. But whilst she was ignoring me and treating me like a stranger, she was engaging with the extended family on social media (she’d created a new account and didn’t add me).
I tried several times to talk to her, sent messages, sent money for my nephews for their birthdays and Christmas, and heard nothing.
Then, all of a sudden she pops up and says she ordered me a cheap game on Xbox and I should download it. She sent a few pleasantries and said she hid away until she felt herself again. But I explained this time, she was selfish.
She should have been there for me like I have been her whole life. I feel since she’s engaged with others that she can’t blame mental health because mental health isn’t people selective like that. It felt very personal.
I was honest with her and told her I didn’t want her gift, I wanted her love, time, and support.
A friend, a sister. I told her drinking and hiding away is her choice and I refuse to be treated like a stranger at the drop of a hat like this.
She ignored me, ignored my calls, and has since blocked me. No explanation, nothing.
I told her I felt pushed away and alone, and her answer was to push me away and make me feel alone.
It’s the anniversary of Dad’s death coming up, and I just feel so broken. So, AITJ for feeling she’s selfish and blaming mental health?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You made it pretty clear what you want, need, and expect from the relationship with your sister. But she doesn’t seem to be in a place mentally where she can be that person for you. Judging from your description of your sister she found a way that works for her, whenever her mental health takes a turn for the worse.
I understand your wish to be in a sibling dynamic where you share your grief and be a support system for each other. Unfortunately, your sister can only deal with her pain and grief and seems to be very aware of this fact.
It might help you to look for a support group of people who are dealing with the loss of a loved one.
They are strangers, but their experiences are similar. You might benefit from talking to others who are willing to offer you a place where you can be vulnerable and don’t have to play the part of the strong one for once.” Villain-in-Training
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can’t always be the one offering support and not get any when you need it in return. Supporting family isn’t something we keep checks and balances for but that also doesn’t mean it’s just a one-way street. I would consider if talking to you about your Dad might have been more difficult compared to keeping in touch with cousins on a more superficial level.
This doesn’t excuse her making a whole new account to avoid you and then going no contact instead of just trying to talk things out though.” sravyak13
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I’m saying this gently, but I would suggest that you look at this a little differently.
When she is struggling, she withdraws and needs space and time to sort through what’s in her head and heart. It’s possible that she was doing the same for you – not just taking her own space but giving YOU space as well.
While it may not have been the type of support and help you wanted or needed, she was loving you in the way that she needs to be loved. It may not have been helpful, but she was deliberately giving you breathing room and not burdening you with her grief and that’s not a small thing.
Best of luck to both of you.” HappyKnittens
3. AITJ For Reporting My Brother-In-Law And His Partner To Animal Protection?
“Last summer I (37 F) attended a family get-together with my partners (35 F) family. I’ve never got along with her older brother and I was struggling hard with my baggage around family at the time.
My partner and I had a cabin to ourselves and our dog so I wasn’t really worried.
My partner’s older brother got divorced so everyone’s sleeping arrangements shuffled and we were now sharing our cabin with my younger BIL (27 M) and his partner (27 F). I like my BIL and the cabin has two rooms so I let it happen but booked a campsite half an hour away in case I needed space.
My BIL and his partner showed up with three of their four dogs. Immediately upon arrival, they refused to let our dog meet any of theirs. Concerned about how to keep them apart for the week, I asked BIL and was told it would be fine because the dogs stay in their cages because they are sports dogs so that’s the home they are trained to stay in all day.
After the 7-hour drive, each dog got taken out for a 5-minute walk while their plastic travel crate was moved into their bedroom. Two of the dogs were stacked. They barked constantly and I couldn’t go into my cabin if I wanted to – but there was no point anyway because BIL’s partner had taken over the entire kitchen, fridge, and living room with their stuff.
They continued to go fishing 8 hours a day while the dogs stayed behind in their cages barking at anyone staying behind to enjoy the cabins.
Morning #2 and BIL and partner are eating breakfast, showering, and otherwise moseying about, the dogs not having been let out since bedtime the night before.
I yelled about how the dogs were being mistreated and if they let them out for a proper run maybe the one dog wouldn’t need anxiety meds. I raged that the dogs need water at all times and not giving them water on the hottest week of the year so they won’t pee in their crates is inhumane.
I left for my campsite.
On the last night before we left, I came down with sunstroke and my partner and her parents picked me up from my campsite so I wasn’t alone. They brought me back to the cabins and when I headed towards my room, I was blocked by my BIL and refused entry into our cabin.
He claimed I was dangerous and they felt unsafe sleeping under the same roof as me.
I learned that I was badmouthed the entire time, my words twisted to ‘called her fat and she needs to go for a run’ and that she is a c-word.
They decided I left for a campsite because ‘I was mentally unstable and needed to be far away to prevent myself from hurting them.’ all I wanted was a peaceful holiday.
When we returned from holiday, I called their local animal protection to check in on the dogs.
They were deemed safe and healthy. My BIL and his partner have maintained that I am unsafe to be acquainted with because of my actions.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Calling an animal hospital is a bit much, but I also think what you said is right.
Crates are good if used correctly, this is not used correctly. Sports dogs or not, having your dog in a crate for over 6-8 hours is very much discouraged by vets especially if they have not been properly taken out. Adding onto not giving them water so they do not pee in their crates very much proves that they are doing it very wrong and just don’t want to deal with them.
And then on top of that, making up insane lies just because you called them out on their laziness. NTJ OP.” ChickenPale907
Another User Comments:
“I think that if the BIL had gotten along with you the entire time, you wouldn’t have ended up ringing animal control.
I think the actions you took were out of anger. Glad the dogs are alright. For how they treated you I’d say you could have handled it better. For example, when they claimed you went away for being unsafe etc you could have brushed it off with ‘Ah he’s a joker this one.
Can’t a man take a dump in peace without being accused of all manner of things? To be honest, if you hadn’t said anything and just gone about your holiday. Perhaps talking to your SO about the situation would have resulted differently.” Guilty-Shape-6878
2. AITJ For Calling Out My Parents For Coddling My Older Brother?
“So I (18 F) have a brother (25 M) who basically can’t do anything.
He can’t do laundry, he can’t cook, he can’t clean, can’t fix anything. He dropped out of school at 18 because of depression and he hasn’t done anything in his life since. Now at 25 he finally found a job and my parents have gone bonkers. They make his little lunch box, wash his clothes, cook everything for him, and clean his room.
But it’s not like he just can’t do it, it’s that my parents never taught him, NEVER.
For the past years that he hasn’t worked or studied a minute, I’ve been doing everything, I cook most days, I’m the only one cleaning the house, I fix wires and stuff, I study and go to school and I even have a side job.
They expect me to do all those things, they just take it for granted. They never prepared me a lunchbox or cleaned my room.
Now the other day I was talking to my parents and I told them that they need to stop pampering him.
I told them he needs to grow up and that one day, when they’re going to die (not so far away sadly), he’s going to be in great difficulty. If no one cooks for him, he’ll just eat bought biscuits for dinner. He can’t sustain himself this way.
Apart from having that concern for his future, I need to admit that I am mad at this. Why do we get treated so differently? Why after 8 hours outside the house, at 16, do I need to come back and cook for him??? And I get shouted at if I don’t (happened way before he got a job since I was 15).
I never thought that I came from a conservative family or something, my parents are far left and for the freedom of everyone… So why do I feel like this has to do with him being a man? Or maybe they’re just attached to their firstborn… I don’t know… What do I do?
Am I even right or a jerk for pointing out?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The situation you are in is disgusting and unfair. And I’m sure it really hurts to not have all that you do acknowledged by your parents while your brother gets celebrated just for finally being employed. Since you can’t move out at the moment, you will just have to find some ways to mentally deal with the situation until moving out becomes possible.
First, you can be grateful that you at least have life skills – you would rather be you than be your brother, right? Remember to celebrate yourself for all the things you are capable of. Be proud of yourself!
Next, I would recommend doing as little as possible at home so that you have more time for working and studying.
Get the best grades that you can and prepare for your future. Luckily you have the ability and maturity to do this because you are NOT your brother. YOU can make a plan, and start saving money.
Soon enough you will be out of there.
You don’t need to withhold your opinion about the situation but don’t expect it to change, either. It might be healthier for you to just find some other way to reduce your frustration, such as a sport, or going out with friends. Good luck, honey!” madelinevf
Another User Comments:
“Depression isn’t necessarily something you can just pop out of. It can be a struggle for years. Maybe your parents just want to be helpful and ease the shift in his life as he starts working. Suddenly asking him to do everything a healthy person should be able to do, might just be too much for him at the moment.
While I understand that it is unfair to you, he might just need more help to survive. As I don’t know the full situation, I’d say give him some time first, let him get his job into a routine, and then you can start asking him to pull his own weight.” TheWhyWhat
1. AITJ For Being Mad At My Mom For Buying The Lululemon Gift Cards?
“I (27 F) planned to buy my nieces (17 F & 16 F) $50 Lululemon gift cards each for Christmas but wanted to wait until I got paid to get them.
I said this to my dad (important for later).
Yesterday, I had to go pick up my mom (70 F) from her part-time job. On our way back to her house, we were talking when she suddenly says Oh, by the way, you owe me $100. Thinking she was joking, I asked why.
When she had gone out earlier, my dad (67 M) told her I was buying Lululemon gift cards. She was by Lululemon, so she went in and bought 2 $150 gift cards, thinking that it would save me a trip and then she would put her name, my name, and my dad’s name on the gift cards.
Here’s where the argument starts. I told my mom that, while I appreciated it, I wish she talked to me about buying the gift cards. I told her that, while she could tell the nieces that I helped with the gift, they were going to think the gift came from my parents, so then it looked like I didn’t get them anything.
Since moving out and getting a decent job, I’ve been getting them gifts separate from my parents for years and I wrap the gifts myself and put my name on them so that they know I bought them.
I also tried to explain that now instead of just going to Lululemon, I have to go find an ATM and get $100 out.
We don’t live in a bad neighborhood but I don’t usually go to ATMs since I’m worried about potentially being mugged, and since I use my card for everything. My mom doesn’t have PayPal, Zelle, etc either, and I don’t know where my checkbook is so the only way for me to pay her back is with cash.
She said I don’t have to pay her back right away, but I told her that wasn’t the problem and that now, instead of me being able to get the gift cards and finish thinking about Christmas shopping, I have to constantly be thinking about paying her back until I go get the cash.
I also asked why she didn’t call me about it, as I would have suggested to her to buy 2 $100 Lululemon gift cards and then I would go buy my 2 $50 gift cards so then it would look like the girls had multiple gifts.
She got mad that it looked like I didn’t appreciate what she did.
When Dad got involved later, he suggested I just go and buy the $50 gift cards as I planned and then the nieces get $200 for Lululemon so they can buy more stuff. I told him that, while not a bad idea, I know mom is going to keep bringing up how I owe her $100 if I don’t give it to her and (as I’m on a tight budget with a big trip I have planned next year) I don’t want to have to spend $200 to satisfy everyone when I had only planned on spending $100.
For additional context, my nieces like more than just Lululemon, so it would have also been easy for her to go buy a different gift card for them at one of the other stores that was near where she was. We can’t give my niece cash as the oldest one will either use her money for bad things or will steal the cash from the younger niece and then use all of it for bad things.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. However, if your niece wants to buy illegal stuff she will just flog the gift card for half its value and go buy those stuff. It’s just cash with a conversation penalty and extra steps. But then she may do that for anything of value you get her, addiction does that to people.
The really easy way to fix this stupid fight is just to tell them it’s $50 from you and $100 from your parents if the perception of your contribution is that important. Or write it on the card or whatever. Sure it’s a little irritating your mum didn’t ask, but it’s such a non-issue I think you are being about as irritating by making such a fuss over it.
Neither of you rises to the level of a jerk but you both sound tiresome.” Alternative_Boat9540
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. In the grand scheme of things, it is very minor. The nieces won’t care in a few months, you aren’t in the hole for more than you intended, and there will be other gifts where you can do what you want.
Everything will be fine. But. You have put in mental effort to plan out how you can save your money and time to make your nieces happy, and now your mother has just completely thrown all that out the window. Now you have to make a whole new plan, and that takes time, energy, and mental work on your end.
If she had stuck to your plan, you wouldn’t have had to adjust things with 0 notice.
At the end of the day, it’s not entirely about having to go to the bank or atm to get money, having your name tacked on to a gift, having to pay someone back, or having to pick a new place to get a gift card from.
I will bet this is not the first time your mother has done something without any regard for your planning and effort and doesn’t acknowledge that her making changes to your plans does not indeed make things easier. And this isn’t the first time she’s held something over your head.
And this isn’t the first time she’s done something without consulting you.
You’re not mad about the gift cards. You’re mad your family/mother doesn’t value your time and planning and cannot see this from your side. And you are mad she just does what she wants without regard for others.
Your feelings are valid, there are underlying issues at heart here and this is just one manifestation of it. But it’s also not a dire situation. It’s just an unpleasant one. It’s not worth this much anguish.” PristineLack8182
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You are overthinking this.
I bet that your nieces will be happy they got 150$ to spend in that store. Your mother just went ahead and bought it and as she said you can return the money whenever or you can suggest a deal where you’ll do the shopping for them in value of 100$ and you’ll call it even.
There are so many ways to solve this issue and if you want to give them something extra I’m sure you can find some Christmas cards or something to go along with the gift cards. Yes, your mother overstepped the boundary but it’s not like something changed.” DivineJerziboss
